Young Sheldon
Season 7 Episode 8
Episode title: An Ankle Monitor and a Big Plastic Crap House
Original air date: April 18, 2024 (CBS)
Plot: Sheldon studies to be Meemaw’s lawyer when she is put on house arrest, and the Coopers have a plumbing emergency.
* * *
How’s that feel?
Unnecessary.
You ran from the police. You’re a flight risk.
She can’t run. She got a funky hip. She can barely waddle.
Watch it.
RICH: You got a 50-yard radius from the base. It’ll beep when you get close to the edge. If you cross it, we get a call. If you tamper with it, we get a call.
Will it give her a little zap?
No.
Well, how’s she gonna learn?
Will it beep if I kill him?
As long as it’s within 50 yards, go for it.
I can’t leave the house? What the hell am I supposed to do all day?
I am way ahead of you. See? I stopped and I picked up puzzles. Got us the Grand Canyon and Dogs Playing Poker.
If I were to run right now, would you shoot me?
Ooh. I found a corner.
Congratulations.
Oh, come on. We can have a little fun.
I have lost my business, I have lost my home, I have lost my freedom, and you want to have fun?
A little fun.
Do you not understand? I could be going to jail.
Oh, come on, please. They’re not gonna send a sweet old grandma to the pokey.
Well, I hope not.
Ah. Well, tell me something if you would. Is that sky or water?
Let me see it.
It’s a good thing that didn’t go 50 yards. You can still get it.
(door opens)
Hey, we’re back.
Hey, hi.
Where’s my little girl?
Um, she’s with Mary.
Why?
Well, how do I put this?
(gasps) What the heck is that?
I’m under house arrest.
Why?
We got busted.
We?
Me.
Do they know about Georgie?
No, of course not.
Your grandma’s not a snitch. Which, by the way, will serve you well if you end up in the slammer.
The pokey, the slammer. What is it with you?
I like cop shows. You learn things.
GEORGE JR.: What about the Laundromat, the video store?
They shut everything down.
God. So what are we gonna do for money?
Yeah.
That’s an excellent question.
How was Dollywood?
Magical. What are we gonna do about money?
Hey.
Hello.
Studying for a test?
Studying to take the bar exam. Meemaw’s going to need a smart lawyer. By the time we find one, I could just learn how to do it.
Seriously?
Common law was invented by a bunch of English farmers in the Middle Ages. I think I can hack it.
All right, what do you got?
Well, have you ever heard of Vincent “The Chin” Gigante?
He a boxer?
He was originally. Good for you. But he’s better known as a major crime boss who managed to stay out of prison by employing the legal doctrine of mens rea.
Which is?
He pretended to be nuts. He wandered the streets of New York in a bathrobe, he had poor personal hygiene, he mumbled to himself– all the cuckoo classics.
Yeah. If you need someone to testify that she’s off her rocker, you give me a call.
Thank you.
Toilet’s backed up.
What? Don’t look at me. I just got home.
Yeah, but it’s had years of you.
(sighs) I’ll check it out.
Come on, little buddy. You can do it. Talk to me. There you go. Let it out. Aah! (groans)
Years.
♪ Pump it up. ♪
Here’s the estimate. I’m gonna need 50% down to get started.
Are you kidding me? We’re fixing a toilet, not buying a car.
Good thing I wasn’t going to college.
Nothing’s wrong with your toilet. Septic tank is shot.
(sighs)
What’s a septic tank?
It’s basically a big container under the backyard that’s filled up with all your… bathroom business.
Ew! I played in that yard.
Missy, not now. Come on, Phil. Isn’t there some kind of friends and family discount? I mean, we went to high school together.
Yeah, and you were mean to me.
Oh, come on! I-I was mad at the world, not just you!
I ate that dirt.
Did he fix it?
Not quite. And he’s still a weasel.
What’d he do?
Look.
(gasps) What a weasel.
What are we gonna do? I mean, we’re six people. We need a toilet.
Don’t worry. Georgie, come with me.
Where are we going?
I got a plan.
Is it a good plan?
Yeah.
All right. So I believe that completes the sky. Satisfying, huh? So, what do you think? Want to get some exercise, go for a walk until you start beeping?
Ha, ha, ha. It’s not funny. My life is in shambles, and I’m too old to start over.
Oh, come on. You are not too old. Now, listen, you are a smart, vibrant, perky woman.
Perky?
Well, yeah, compared to me. (chuckles) And I’ll tell you another thing. Your life’s not over. You are writing a new chapter in the book of you. A book where a perky heroine rises up and…
And what?
I don’t know. Y-You want to get drunk?
Yes.
Great. I’m gonna run to the liquor store. You want to come with me?
Dale!
Right. Okay. Be back in a jiffy.
(music playing faintly)
(door opens and closes)
God help me, I love him.
GEORGE SR.: All right, just a little bit more. Oh, easy, easy. There you go. (laughs)
Yeah.
Not bad, huh?
I don’t know. Might look better by the fence.
Look better? It’s a big plastic crap house.
MARY: Oh, dear Lord.
You wanted a toilet? Voilà.
Where did you get it?
From the high school. We got, like, ten of ’em for visiting teams. Yeah… give it a whirl.
I’d rather die.
Is there a light inside?
No.
Trust me, that’s a good thing.
We’ll just tie a flashlight to the handle.
Huh. I always wondered what rock bottom would look like.
Come on, at least check it out.
(Mandy sighs)
I checked, I’m out.
(door closes)
I can’t thank y’all enough.
Oh, don’t be silly. Stay as long as you need.
It’s only temporary.
Whatever. We’re just thrilled to have you and the baby here.
And me, too, right?
Yes, you’ll be here, too.
Well, let me give you a hand.
Oh. Thanks.
Now, Georgie, if the police come for you, what should we tell them?
Mom.
I’m sorry. I’ve never harbored a fugitive before.
Mom!
Who’s that guy?
It’s Donny Osmond.
Never heard of him.
You know, Donny and Marie?
Sometimes I forget how old you are.
Thank you.
(unzips bag)
I’m sorry about my mom.
You kidding? We got a double bed and an indoor bathroom. She can spit in my Corn Flakes, and I’m a happy camper.
Good, ’cause she might.
Don’t worry. I’ll win her over.
She thinks you ruined my life.
So? You thought I ruined your life, and you married me.
I called it. I said no good would come of this marriage.
Yeah, yeah, you said it a lot. You said it at the wedding. But, uh, still, you know, I… I think you could be a little nicer to him.
Sure, I can also go out in the backyard and water the crabgrass.
We’re gonna be okay, right?
Oh, of course.
How can you be so sure?
Hey, you didn’t just marry a pretty boy like Danny over here.
Donny.
Yeah, him. You know, I’m the hardest worker you’ll ever meet. When I see something I want, I don’t stop till I get it.
You are relentless.
The good news is, with Amanda back in the house, I can help her come to her senses.
Good plan. Hey, uh, in the meantime, I was thinking of putting Georgie to work at the store.
There you go, watering the crabgrass.
It’s not charity, all right? He’ll work.
He’s a criminal, Jim.
And what I want is to take care of you and CeeCee and maybe someday a Georgie Junior Junior.
You mean George the Third.
No, that’s too fancy. He’d get his ass kicked.
Mm, yeah.
JIM: And for your information, those little backroom slot machines are all over town.
How do you know?
People tell me stuff. I… I just got– I got one of them faces.
ADULT SHELDON: I had a plan to avoid using the porta-potty. I just had to get through the night until I could get back to my dorm in the morning. I lowered my overall liquid intake, skipped my pre-bed chamomile tea, and gave my bladder a stern talking to. My bladder did not listen.
(sighs)
I can do this.
ADULT SHELDON: My body may have been weak, but my mind was strong. I just needed to think about this situation in a different way. Instead of a porta-potty, it was a TARDIS. Instead of Sheldon, I was Doctor Who, whose urine was ready to travel through space and time. For those who aren’t familiar, the TARDIS is bigger on the inside. This one, however, was smellier on the inside.
I can’t do this.
ADULT SHELDON: I’m not proud of this, but that night, I relieved myself inside Billy Sparks’ chicken coop. Until my wife, those hens were the only females I ever exposed myself to.
(chickens clucking)
I guess I could have left that part out. Oh, well.
GEORGE JR.: More bacon?
Pile it on.
Good morning.
Morning. Have a seat.
Georgie made us breakfast. Isn’t that nice?
Oh, well, look at that. Thank you.
My pleasure.
AUDREY: I guess I’ll just have to run to the supermarket later and get some more eggs for that cake I was going to make.
Oh, no problem. I-I can go to the grocery store.
Oh. Apparently we’re not job-hunting today.
Oh, speaking of jobs. Good luck to you, son.
Meemaw. Meemaw. Meemaw.
What?
Oh, my, you look terrible. Are you sick?
Of life, yes.
Oh, good. That’s not contagious.
Get in here. The light’s killing me.
You smell like alcohol. Yucky.
(door closes)
Look who came to visit.
Oh, great.
SHELDON: You will think it’s great when you hear the brilliant legal strategy I have to keep Meemaw out of prison.
I thought you were a science guy.
I am, but sometimes I like to spread my wings.
Oh, okay. Uh, proceed.
What do you got?
It’s simple. We argue under Article 46-B of the Texas Penal Code that you’re unfit to stand trial due to mental incompetence.
You-you want to tell ’em I’m crazy?
Yes. And keep this look. It really bolsters our case.
Has this worked before?
It has.
Oh. Well, that’s good news.
The bad news is, you’ll probably be institutionalized.
You-you… you want me to go to the nuthouse?
I want you to stay out of prison.
Oh, Moon Pie, thank you. Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it, but I’m fine.
You know, I have a buddy whose nephew is a lawyer. He’s gonna help us out.
Is this because I haven’t passed the bar yet? Because that’s just a formality. A monkey could do it.
No, I… I think that I’d just feel a little more comfortable if I was getting advice from somebody who had a little more professional experience.
Okay. I mean, I’ve been doing this for a day and a half, but suit yourself.
(door closes)
Got your eggs, everything on the list.
Thank you.
Also filled out an application to be a bag boy while I was there.
Oh. Wonderful. My son-in-law, the bag boy.
It’s only temporary. I’ll make my way up to cashier, then night manager, then manager-manager, then regional supervisor, then it’s just a hop, skip and a jump to HQ. That’s short for headquarters.
You can do all that without a high school diploma?
If you’re a member of the can-do club.
God help me.
I’ll just put these away.
What’s the can-do club, and why is my mom so mad about it?
What are you doing?
Cleaning out these rain gutters. Otherwise, the water gets backed up and wrecks havoc on your roof.
Wreaks… havoc.
No, I’m pretty sure it’s wrecks, ’cause that’s what it do.
Oh, look at that.
(door opens)
Audrey, is this your Wham-O?
(door closes)
Audrey?
And the wolf said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.” Don’t worry. Daddy’ll never let that happen to you. I’m gonna keep you safe. (chuckles) Uh-oh. Somebody needs a new diaper. Come on, let’s get you one.
Oh, hey. She’s got you and Mandy’s good looks, but– phew– she poops like her dad. (laughs)
Lovely.
Your grandma’s coming around on me. (laughs) Yeah, she is.
The good news is, I’ve had some encouraging talks with the district attorney, and I think that we can…
Hang on. How old are you?
I know I look young, but I’m 24.
You bring me a child attorney?
Well, you were about to take advice from a 14-year-old.
Oh, who’s that? I might know him.
Oh, just finish up what you were saying.
Right. A deal can be made without going to trial. You plead guilty, pay a fine, lose your business license, maybe some community service, probation, but no jail time.
So I’ll lose the gambling room, but I can keep the Laundromat and the video store?
No. Those are all considered a part of the criminal enterprise. They get confiscated.
What if I fight it?
On what grounds?
I didn’t have an illegal gambling room. I collected… antique slot machines. It was my hobby.
And the evading arrest?
I was just taking my great-granddaughter for a brisk stroll.
I’m confused. Did we start the insanity thing?
I think you should take this deal. Put everything behind you, get on with your life.
What life? I have no life.
You have me.
Yeah, yeah. What if I had something to offer? Then maybe I could keep my businesses and skip the fine?
What are you thinking?
That greedy rat of a cop I was paying off.
Rutledge? He’s the one who flipped on you.
Son of a bitch. You can’t even trust a dirty cop these days.
Come on, Connie.
Yeah. No one wants to see a grandma behind bars.
Great-grandma.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
How old are you?
None of your business.
So, do I tell ’em we have a deal?
Okay, fine.
Oh, thank God. I’m too old to find somebody new.
♪ ♪
What are you doing?
Making a withdrawal.
You put a hole in my wall and hid money in it?
It seemed safe. I mean, who’d look for money in this dump?
Why do you need it?
Legal fees. Maybe a new gambling room.
Mom.
By the way, what is that porta-potty doing out there in your yard?
We’re having plumbing issues. We need a new septic tank.
Ouch.
Tell me about it. How much you got in there?
None of your business.
It’s in my wall!
It’s the devil’s money, Mary. You don’t want it.
I don’t care. Last night, I went to pee and there was a snake in there.
Here you go. Get yourself some indoor plumbing.
Oh, Mommy, thank you.
(shrieks) Snake’s back! Snake’s back!
Nice house.
Got the job. Part-time bag boy.
Well. They let you take the apron home?
Aw, shoot.
(Mandy chuckles) That’s great, Georgie. I’m really proud of you.
It’s only temporary till I find something better.
Listen, Georgie, Audrey and I were thinking… (clears throat) I was thinking… I could really use some help down at the tire store.
Really? Selling tires? You are not gonna regret this. I’ll work my butt off for you. Nights, weekends, holidays– you name it, I am there.
Pretty impressive kid, huh?
We’ll see.
“We’ll see”? (scoffs) Good job.
Told you. (chuckles)
♪ I go out walkin’ ♪
♪ After midnight ♪
♪ Out in the moonlight ♪
♪ Just like we used to do ♪
(sighs)
♪ I’m always walkin’… ♪
(newspaper rustles)
What the hell is…? Oh, a snake! Snake! Oh! A snake! (whimpers): Snake! Mary?! Bring a towel!
