Young Sheldon – S07E04 – Ants on a Log and a Cheating Winker | Transcript

Missy steps up, Mary has a surprise for George, and Sheldon finds his dorm occupied.

Young Sheldon
Season 7 Episode 4
Episode title: Ants on a Log and a Cheating Winker

Original air date: March 7, 2024 (CBS)

Plot: Missy steps up, Mary has a surprise for George, and Sheldon finds his dorm occupied.

* * *

[cabin alert chimes]

Excited to be going home?

SHELDON: This is home. I’m always here. But I am excited to share everything I’ve learned with my colleagues.

That’s nice.

SHELDON:Scientifically speaking, they’re savages covered in their own filth, and I’ll be bringing them the light.

There’s probably a nicer way to say that.

SHELDON: Oh, there is. But if a summer in Germany has taught me anything, it’s that brutal honesty is its own kind of love.

I’ll crochet that on a pillow. Mm.

SHELDON: Mark my words, string theory is going to be the next big thing.

What does it do?

SHELDON: It explains the fundamental forces of the universe. How everything works, where everything came from.

I know where it all came from.

SHELDON: Mother, we’re in the sky. Why are you pointing up?



SHELDON: Oh, there’s no reason to do that. It’s just irregular motion of air around the plane caused by temperature changes.

[louder rumbling]

SHELDON: Oh, that was a big one. And given our altitude, perfectly predictable.

[cabin alert chimes]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: The pilot has turned on the seat belt sign. Please return to your seat.

SHELDON: A reasonable precaution. Snug as a bug.

[loud rumbling]


Would you like me to include you in my prayers?

SHELDON: No, thanks, I don’t need to seek help from an invisible man.

You’re right, you’ve got your invisible strings.

PILOT [over intercom]: Sorry for the delay. We hope to be wheels up in about 20 minutes.

SHELDON: That’s what he said 20 minutes ago.

Nothing we can do.

SHELDON: If we don’t take off soon, we’ll miss our connecting flight to Houston.

It’s out of our hands. I’d tell you whose hands it’s in, but you don’t like that.

[baby crying]

SHELDON: Babies. Why’d it have to be babies?

Oh, relax. He’ll cry himself out. You won’t even know he’s there.

[baby crying]

SHELDON: [sighs] Please tell that mother to quiet her baby.

Sometimes moms can’t make their kids be quiet no matter how much they try.

What’re you doing?

SHELDON: Trying to get my ears to pop.

Want a piece of gum?

SHELDON: Is it cinnamon gum?


SHELDON: I have enough problems.

[baby crying]

SHELDON: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.


GEORGE JR.: Welcome home.

Great. Hey, Mary.

[baby cries]

SHELDON: Look, Mother, more babies.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain

♪ I bet I could be your hero

♪ I am a mighty little man

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

SHELDON: I cannot wait to sleep in my own bed.

You didn’t tell him on the plane?

SHELDON: Tell me what?

I thought you were gonna tell him in the car.

Well, he was grumpy in the car.

How do you think he was on the plane?

I’ll tell him.

You stay out of this.

SHELDON: Tell me what?

Well, for God’s sake. Me and Georgie and the baby have been staying in your room.

SHELDON: Oh, that makes sense. I was out of town, there was a tornado, you needed a place to live.

So you’re okay with it?

SHELDON: Oh, no, I’m home now. Get out.


Well, hang on, we’ll handle this. You heard her, Sheldon, she doesn’t want to leave.

SHELDON: But it’s my room.

Well, and it’s my house.

Our house.


SHELDON: Why can’t they stay in the garage?

Why can’t you stay in the garage?

SHELDON: I’m neither a car nor a box of Christmas ornaments.

Sheldon, my grand baby’s not sleeping in the garage.

Our grandbaby.


Look, I slept out there. It’s not that bad.

Hey, there’s even a sink you can pee in.

That is not helpful.

You used it.

It was an emergency.

SHELDON: I go away for a few months and my family turns into a bunch of hillbillies.

GEORGE: All right, it’s been a long day, everybody’s tired. Why don’t you just sleep on the couch and we’ll figure this out tomorrow, hmm?

SHELDON: Fine. Oh.


SHELDON: My ears finally popped. Testing, testing. One, two, three. Testing.

So, Sheldon’s home.

SHELDON: Hello? Hello? Somebody say something.

Oh, Lord, I missed you.

Oh-ho. I missed you, too.

I was talking to the bed.


[sighs] Been a while since we’ve been apart so long.

Oh, I know.

A long time for a man to be without his wife.

George, I want to, but I just spent 18 hours with you know who. I need to sleep.

Understood. Wouldn’t take long, but understood.

I promise, if you wait, it’ll be worth it. I might even have a little surprise for you.

Ooh, I like the sound of that. All right, I can wait.


But if you can’t wait, just give me a poke in the ribs. I’ll be ready right quick.

[baby crying]

♪ I couldn’t sleep at all last night ♪

♪ Well, I was tossing and turning ♪

♪ Turning and tossing

♪ Tossing and turning

♪ All night. [Knocking]


SHELDON: The baby’s crying.

You really are a genius.




SHELDON: Meemaw, it’s me.

Shelly. Everything okay?

SHELDON: No, everything’s terrible. The baby stole my room and won’t stop crying and now they’re making me sleep in the garage.

What do you need me to do?

SHELDON: Pick me up and I can stay with you.

Oh, well, this is Dale’s house. I have to ask him.

Ask me what?

It’s Shelly. He wants to spend the night.

Oh, yeah, it’d be nice to see the little guy.

Dale says no. See you in the morning.

[dial tone]


Oh, slept in. Morning.



MARY: What’s all this?


Who made it?

Me. I can heat it up.

No, no.

Georgie, what’re you doing?

What does it look like? Dishes.

Since when?

It’s my day.

Oh. Look, a chore chart. I made one of those. Y’all ignored it.

They don’t ignore it if you stop feeding them.

That was a long weekend.

Georgie, bathroom.

Thank you.

Crowded house, one bathroom. We needed a schedule.

Smart. Can I help with anything?

Nope, just enjoy your breakfast.

Thank you. Hey, maybe we can spend the day together.

That sounds nice, but I promised Taylor I’d help him buy some back-to-school clothes.

Oh, yeah, Taylor. When do I get to meet him?

He’s just a friend, Mom. Don’t be weird.

I wasn’t being weird. Where were you?

SHELDON: Garage.

Oh. Sleep okay?

SHELDON: Not a wink, but thank you for asking.




SHELDON: I need to use the bathroom.

Well, too bad, it’s my turn. Check the schedule.

SHELDON: I don’t see a schedule.

Look on the fridge.

SHELDON: Mmm. He’s right, it’s his turn. This is going to be close.

MARY: So, how’s it going, you two living together?

She’s leaving out, “in sin.”

I didn’t say it.

Well, don’t we get a pass for being old?

I didn’t say anything.

With his back being all askew, there’s not much sinning going on.

Well, not none. We find ways to be creative.

I don’t want to know.


So, what’s going on with your house?

Well, I’m gonna rebuild. It’s just gonna take a while.

In the meantime, she has a home.

Oh, thank you for that.

With a man who gives her plenty of loving.

MEEMAW: Anyways, how are you doing? It must feel good to be home.

Yeah. I guess.

Hmm. What’s wrong?

Well, they have everything running pretty smooth without me, so feeling a little displaced.

Hmm, a little displaced.


‘Cause your home, which was not blown away in the tornado, is running smooth.

Oh, no, I didn’t mean… You know what I mean.

Just hang on.

What’re you doing?

Tell you what, next time you start feeling sorry for yourself for being a little displaced, you just take a gander at my home of 47 years.

I’m sorry. This is terrible.

Yeah, I took that picture with my Minolta. Made the front page of the local paper. I got a copy of it around here somewhere.

She don’t wanna see it.

Of course she does.

[whistle blows]

GEORGE SR.: Go on, keep running! Y’all look like you haven’t moved all summer! Come on! Lopez, what, are you taking a break out there?

I think he’s throwing up, Coach.

Good stuff, Lopez!


Well, hey, Mary. Welcome back.

Thank you.

That’s a nice surprise.

Well, I just thought I’d come hang out, watch you turn this ragtag bunch of kids into state champs.

George, you didn’t tell me Germany made her funny.

Hey, I think we got a real shot this year. Lopez, what the hell did you eat?

What you got there, Mary?

Oh, I made some snacks for the team.

Oh, did you bring anything for the coaches?

Just a little sugar.

Ooh. [Chuckles]

So, we over the jet lag?

I think so.

Okay, now I’m gonna puke.

Grow up.

ADULT SHELDON: I returned home from Germany to a family which no longer cherished me. But I knew somewhere I was still valued, where I was still the center of attention. And, most importantly, where I had my own bathroom.

[heavy metal music playing]

SHELDON: Excuse me.

[music continues playing over headphones]

SHELDON: Hello? What are you doing in my room?

What are you doing in my room?

SHELDON: That’s what I asked you, and I asked first.

This is my room.

SHELDON: Well, then how come my key opened the door?

I don’t care. Go away.

SHELDON: Wait. I’m not going anywhere.

[typing on keyboard]


SHELDON: I’m not going anywhere.


SHELDON: All righty then.

[typing on keyboard]


SHELDON: What are you working on?

Uh, I’m writing a Pascal compiler for an alpha processor.

SHELDON: I don’t understand.

Uh… [sighs] Here.

SHELDON: Thanks.

What’s your name?

SHELDON: Do you mind? I’m reading.


[music playing over headphones]

SHELDON: Sheldon Cooper.


SHELDON: I finished reading, and my name’s Sheldon Cooper.

Wh… You finished it?


No, you didn’t. Uh…How can I program this with a reduced instruction set?

SHELDON: Use a lexicographic ordering algorithm.

[scoffs] Impressive. You should major in computer science.

SHELDON: [laughs] No, thanks, I’ll stick to real science.

Wh… Dude, this is the future. I mean, computers are gonna change the whole world.

SHELDON: Maybe commerce, communications, media and banking, but nothing important.

[scoffs] Uh, what’s so important about what you’re studying?

SHELDON: String theory, where do I begin? It explains everything. It unifies the fundamental forces in an elegant way.

Yeah, but what does it do?

SHELDON: Hmm… Get out.

No rush. There’s plenty to go around.

All right, guys, wrap it up. We got blocking drills to run.

George, can’t you let them. Catch their breath?

No. You heard Coach, hit the sleds. Let’s go.

Oh, the sleds, I love the sleds.


[whooping] Whoo! [laughs]

Ants on a log?


They’re not real ants. It’s raisins.

I know what they are, Wayne.

You guys are doing great! State champs! Whoo!

[toilet flushes]

SHELDON: Well, that was Chernobyl-adjacent.

Sorry, still getting used to Tex-Mex.

SHELDON: You don’t have to be from Texas to flush.

Noted. You, uh, grow up around here?

SHELDON: Medford. It’s not as nice as it sounds.

Oh. Yeah, now you ask where I’m from.

SHELDON: I don’t do that.

Cool. Oh, so what is the girl situation here?

SHELDON: I don’t do that either.

You into guys?

SHELDON: I’m into science. Everything else is a distraction.

So… no video games?

SHELDON: Star Fire?

Hasn’t even been released yet. I’m a beta tester.

SHELDON: Oh, my.

ADULT SHELDON: I didn’t know his name or where he was from, but he was my new best friend.

[whistle blows] Well… this was a fun, special, one-time thing, wasn’t it?

Actually, I was thinking I could keep doing it, kind of like a team mom.

Team mom.

Yeah, I think the boys really enjoyed having me here.

[chuckles] Mary, sit with me. Yeah.

Oh, honey, it’s-it’s been so good having you back.

Oh, thank you. Oh. You know, when I was in Germany, I was thinking we should do more…

Hold that thought. Thing is, these practices aren’t meant to be enjoyed. They’re meant to be endured, survived. Hated, actually.

That sounds terrible.

Uh, no. It’s a good thing because then they take that hate and they unleash it on the other team.

Sounds like you’re turning them into monsters.

There you go, and monsters don’t have team moms. Let me help you get this crap in the car.

[weapons firing on computer]

SHELDON: I can’t kill this guardian. He’s too strong.

Move over.

SHELDON: What are you doing?

Hang on.

VIDEO GAME VOICE: Weapons upgrade.

Try now.

SHELDON: Ooh, that’s a big gun. How’d you do that?

I just put in the cheat code.

SHELDON: Excuse me? I do not cheat.

Wh… No, it’s not cheating, you know, it’s-it’s like a-a secret command that gives you extra powers.

SHELDON: And it’s called a what code?

Wh… No. It’s part of the game, you know. They build it in.

SHELDON: So you condone cheating?

Yeah, but, you know, with a wink.

SHELDON: I don’t like winking either.

What’s wrong with winking?

SHELDON: At the end of the day, it leaves you with an uneven number of blinks per eye.

That’s insane.

SHELDON: Oh, I’m insane? You’re the cheating winker. Are you from California?

Oh, now you want to know where I’m from.

SHELDON: I think I know enough. Goodbye.

Thanks for cleaning up.

SHELDON: You’re welcome. Also, the toilet bowl is still disinfecting, so I wouldn’t use it for another 20 to 30 minutes.

[door closes]

[weapons firing on computer]

[knock on door]

SHELDON: I’ll keep the room clean if you keep the game clean.


ADULT SHELDON: We had had our first fight, but, at the end of the day, it really brought what’s-his-name and I closer together.

Hmm. Ugh. I miss Germany.



Everything okay?


Do you want to watch a movie or…


[door slams]

[sighs] I miss Germany.


[Missy crying] Honey? You okay?

MISSY: Go away.

All right, well, I’m here if you want to talk.

Taylor broke up with me.

Oh, baby. Oh…

Please don’t tell Dad. He didn’t know we were going out.

Of course. It’s none of his business.

I’m glad you’re back.

Me, too. Do you want to tell me what happened?


[weapons firing on computer]

ADULT SHELDON: It took 14 hours and 211 lives, but I emerged victorious.

[triumphant video game music playing]

SHELDON: Hey, cheater guy, I won. Fair and square.

What time is it?

SHELDON: 7:42 a.m. We should celebrate. Do you have any Yoo-hoo?


SHELDON: Wait here. I’ll go get some.

ADULT SHELDON: I wish I could tell you we toasted my victory, but I fell asleep in the hallway.

Hey, where’s Sheldon?

Probably out in the garage.

Should someone tell him breakfast is ready?

Oh, no, this is lovely. Uh, let him sleep, jet lag and all.

Hmm, the whole summer with him was enough, huh?

If you want me to get him, I’ll go get him.

That’s okay.

No, it’s fine.


MARY: Are you ready for your surprise?

I sure am.

MARY: Okay.

[German accent]: Hello, you handsome American boy toy. I am Helga. Do you like what you see?

[German accent]: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[both laugh]


MARY [German accent]: Are you sure your wife won’t come home?

GEORGE SR.: [laughs] I’m sure. Yeah, yeah.[Mary laughs]

GEORGE SR.: Oh, Helga.

ADULT SHELDON: I never talked to my father about what I saw that day, but, from then on, I added extra knocks so people could get their pants on.


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