The Next Pandemic: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver – Transcript

As COVID-19 continues to spread, John Oliver discusses what could cause the next pandemic, what we can do to avoid it, and why you shouldn’t kiss pigs.
The Next Pandemic: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Season 8 Episode 1
Aired on February 14, 2021

Main segment: The Next Pandemic
Other segments: Second impeachment trial of Donald Trump, State GOP
Guest: Jack McBrayer (voice-over)

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John: Hi there! Welcome to the show. We’re back! Still, unfortunately, in this blank void. I had hoped we’d be out by now, but instead, I’m still stuck in the blankest expanse on television, aside from the eyes of Romain from “selling sunset.” There’s just nothing there. We’ve been off since November, and clearly, a lot has happened since then. The vaccine rollout began. Wall Street was thrown into a frenzy over GameStop, and for a week, everyone got really into sea shanties. It’s been a weird time. But we have to start tonight with the impeachment trial that took place this week. Democrats put on a compelling, forensic case about Trump‘s clear role as instigator of the January 6th riots. And in response, Trump’s attorneys mounted a defense that could charitably be characterized as “incoherent,” with lowlights ranging from one attorney reminiscing about his childhood record collection, to another subjecting the senate to an 11 minute video of democrats simply using the word “fight.” It might have seemed that they weren’t trying very hard, but that might be because they didn’t really have to. Ted Cruz even met with Trump’s lawyers, while the case was still going on, and told them this:

Ted Cruz: I said, “look, you got — you gotta remember you’ve already won.” There are not 67 votes to convict. There — there are 55 votes to convict, plus-minus two.

John: And the thing is, he was right. And what a truly inspiring glimpse that is into the world’s most deliberative body. “I said to them, you gotta remember: the outcome’s predetermined, nothing means anything, and this entire process is a complete charade. Now, hands in, everyone: dead eyes, empty hearts, Ted Cruz.” And the fact the Republicans were going to acquit the former president no matter what is a pretty depressing sign of just how deep Trumpism runs in their party. But not just at the national level. In many ways, at the state level, it’s even worse. More than a dozen state legislators actually participated in the “stop the steal” rally preceding the riots, and one of them even made it inside. Derrick Evans, a newly-elected west Virginia state legislator, and chipmunk frat pledge, was eventually arrested. And while he maintained that he was only in the capitol as an independent member of the media to film history, the history he filmed told a very different story.

Derrick Evans, Storiful: Trump! Trump! Whoo! We’re in! We’re in! Derrick Evans is in the Capitol!

John: Now, everything about that is awful. From the fact that a state lawmaker participated in a deadly insurrection, to the fact he was stupid enough to broadcast himself doing it, to him excitedly talking about himself in the third person like some kind of alt-right Elmo. And while Evans has since resigned, he’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to extreme behavior in state republican parties. Oregon’s state G.O.P. put out a statement claiming the riots were a “false flag operation designed to discredit president Trump.” And Michigan’s top elected republican was caught on tape spewing dangerous conspiracies like this:

Senate majority leader Mike Shirkey in his own words talking about the deadly January 6th capitol riots, saying it was prearranged, and that it wasn’t Trump’s people.

That’s been a hoax from day one. That was all prearranged. That was all arranged by somebody that was funding it.

John: What the fuck are you talking about, Shirkey? To the extent January 6th was “prearranged” by anyone, it was clearly by Trump, as he repeatedly tweeted things like, “Big protest in D.C. On January 6th… Be there, will be wild!” Which, to be fair, was one of those occasions where he turned out to be completely right. And I know that man looks like he answers the question, “what if Steve Martin was awful?,” But the fact is, he’s the majority leader of the Michigan senate. He has real power. Then there’s Arizona, where their republican party censured three people — including their governor and Cindy McCain — for not sufficiently supporting Trump. And in early December, did this:

Using the “stop the steal” slogan, a Trump supporter writes, “I am willing to give my life for this fight.” The state republican party responds, “he is. Are you?” Then the official party doubles down, tweeting overnight a clip from Rambo and the quote, “This is what we do, who we are. Live for nothing, or die for something.”

John: Okay, aside from being completely terrifying, that quote is from the 2008 Rambo movie — at that point, the worst Rambo movie, until they made another one. I’m just saying, if you absolutely have to quote Stallone, there are so many better options. They could have gone with, “To survive a war, you gotta become war,” from Rambo: First Blood Part II. Or “This childish game will soon be over. And then the real game will begin,” from Spy Kids 3D: Game Over. Or even this actual Stallone tweet: “Everyone should try painting! Get stroking!” I mean, sure, it doesn’t make much sense, but at least it’s not likely to lead to people getting killed. And it’s not just party officials. Republican senators in Arizona have tried, among other things, to hold the Maricopa county board of supervisors in contempt for refusing to turn over voting machines and ballots for inspection. And one lawmaker introduced this particularly extreme bill:

Under house bill 27-20, the legislature could revoke the secretary of state’s certification of the election, and appoint members to the electoral college that it wants. Had this been the law in November, the G.O.P.-led legislature could have given the state’s 11 electoral college votes to former president Donald Trump. This morning, secretary of state Katie Hobbs appeared on Good Morning Arizona to say this.

Why not just do away with elections altogether, and just have the legislature pick all of our elected officials? That– that was sarcasm. Yeah, this legislation is ludicrous.

John: Okay, I do take your point there, but having to explain something you just said was sarcastic is never ideal. It kind of robs the sarcasm of its bite. Next time, why not just use a sarcasm alert horn? That way, the horn does all the work for you. Although I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You’re clearly so good at sarcasm. [Horn honks] see? It works. But that bill actually points to a much larger issue here: republican legislatures across the country have responded to what’s been called “the most secure election in U.S. history” by pushing new laws to make voting significantly more difficult. In Arizona, they’ve put forward 19 bills to restrict voting rights. And nationwide, 33 states are considering over 165 restrictive bills, just this year. Now luckily, there is currently legislation in Congress — H.R. 1 and the John Lewis voting rights advancement act — that could help curb state-level attempts at voter suppression. Unfortunately, the best shot those bills have at getting enacted is if democrats end the filibuster. And to do that, every senate democrat would need to be on board. The problem there is, one of those democrats is Joe Manchin.

We’re not going to bust the filibuster. We’re not going to bust the Byrd rule that basically protects the filibuster.

I’m not going to break the Byrd rule, I’m not killing the filibuster. I’m protecting the senate in honor of Robert C. Byrd, whose seat I sit in. So you’re talking about a person that’s going to defend the legacy of Robert C. Byrd.

John: Okay, it’s bad enough that you’re defending the filibuster, let alone doing it to defend the legacy of Robert C. Byrd, a man who literally used it to try and block the original voting rights act in 1964! He used the thing you’re advocating for in the worst possible way. It’d be like promoting zoom by reminding everyone that Jeffrey Toobin used it. You’re really not helping your case there! And it’s not just Manchin. Democrats like Kirsten Sinema and Dianne Feinstein have also defended the filibuster. And both Biden and Harris have been lukewarm on the issue in the past, which is very frustrating. Because democrats simply cannot afford to rest on their laurels right now. Republicans definitely aren’t! They’ve made it abundantly clear they’re willing to take things to drastic levels. And democrats just don’t seem remotely prepared to meet that threat right now. But you know what? You know what? Don’t worry. I’m sure the G.O.P. Will simply put the past behind them, recognize what they’ve done wrong, and shepherd all of us into a bipartisan era of mutual cooperation for the common good. [Horn honks] That was sarcasm.

And now, this.

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Announcer: And now… Newscasters offer tips for how to say “I love you” in the worst imaginable way.

I’ve seen all types of different opportunities to celebrate this Valentine’s Day. Let’s go over here and take a look at this bouquet of beef sticks.

Fried chicken bouquets. They included six chicken tenders, mini carnations, herbs, baby’s breath, and buttermilk dressing.

A bouquet made of chick-fil-a nuggets and waffles.

This is a chicken wing and chicken finger bouquet.

How about a corn dog bouquet?

A bouquet of salami! Why not?

A sausage bouquet.

These are bacon bouquets.

A bouquet of ribs.

Jerky beef bouquets.

This is my beef bouquet.

Jerky bouquets, I will tell you right now, that looks so delicious.

The first ever Maine lobster tail bouquet.

A terrible idea.

This is a terrible idea. Please do not ship this, do not put this in the mail. You know where you will spend this Valentine’s Day? On the toilet.

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John: Moving on. Our main story tonight concerns pandemics. You know, the thing every little virus could one day grow into.

Wait, even me?

John: Yeah! Maybe even you, mystery virus!

Wow, that’s great! Thanks for helping me believe in myself, John! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the mall of America! Whee!

John: [laughs] Oh, okay! Have fun! I’m probably going to regret that. And I know what you might be thinking right now: “John, shut the fuck up! No one wants to hear any more about the coronavirus!” And I get that! Which is why we’re not actually going to talk about the current pandemic tonight. We’re going to talk about the next one instead. Which, I know, sounds even less appealing, but, look, we are the show we are. If you want to see a British person do something hot or interesting, go watch Bridgerton. Lotta jizzing in blankets on that show. However much you expect, there’s significantly more. But now might also be the most important time to talk about this. Because scientists attempted to warn us about “the next pandemic” long before the current one hit, and we didn’t really listen. In fact, 17 years ago, just after the SARS epidemic was contained, a leading scientist was on 60 minutes, sounding a chilling warning.

What worries me the most is that we’re gonna miss the next emerging disease, that we’re gonna suddenly find a SARS virus that moves from one part of the planet to another, wiping out people as it moves along.

Something more lethal than SARS is what worries you.

That’s something to be keeping you awake at night.

John: Uh, yeah, it is. Because that is a hauntingly spot-on prediction there. I kind of wanted him to continue. “Just spitballing here, what if that guy from “the apprentice” becomes president? Or some lonely goon at Harvard invents a website that destroys the fabric of society as we know it? That’s something to keep you awake at night, too!” Look, I know this current coronavirus might feel like a once-in-a-lifetime nightmare, but it’s actually part of a global trend, because the total number of infectious disease outbreaks has increased significantly since 1980. We’ve seen outbreaks like SARS in 2003, H1N1 in 2009, a series of Ebola outbreaks, most notably in 2014, Mers in 2015, Zika that same year, and, of course, the current virus we’re all enduring, which is the main reason I’m currently speaking to you completely alone from what looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy’s ass crack. And the truth is, if we’re not very careful, the next pandemic could well be even worse.

[“Vice” (2020), Showtime]

There are viruses currently circulating in wildlife. They essentially kill 60 to 70% of the people they infect.

The virus that causes covid-19 might just be a dress rehearsal for the big one later?

This is not, by any stretch of the imagination, the worst mother nature has to offer us.

John: Well, that doesn’t sound great. And look, I know this isn’t the most important thing there, but: what is it with disease experts and predicting upcoming pandemics while on boats? That’s a terrible use of a boat. They’re supposed to be chill. Read the boat rules. One: the captain’s always right. Two: we only fish on days that end in “y.” And three: no grim tidings of the viral apocalypse. Did you hear that? That’s a boat foul, dr. Bummer.

Boat foul!

John: Indeed. And while you would hope that the last year would be a wake-up call to everyone, those who study pandemics are skeptical that we’ve learned nearly enough.

[CNN] I think what I’ve seen in history of looking at these pathogens over time is that we usually go right back to business as usual as soon as the thing ends, as soon as we have a drug, as soon as we have a vaccine, as soon as we can kind of ghettoize these diseases into marginalized populations. We don’t really do the fundamental social change that we could do.

John: Exactly. Unfortunately, there is every chance that after all this is over, we’ll end up treating the coronavirus like a really bad fart at thanksgiving. That is, waiting patiently for it to dissipate so we can never speak of it again and collectively pretend that it didn’t just kill grandma. So given all of that, tonight, let’s talk about the next pandemic — specifically, where new infectious diseases come from, why they’re on the rise, and what we can do to limit them. And let’s start with how we got into our current situation. The Covid-19 pandemic is caused by a novel coronavirus called “SARS-Cov-2,” which originated in animals before jumping to humans. And that is by no means unusual. It’s estimated that up to 75% of new or emerging infectious diseases come from animals. They’re called “zoonotic diseases” or “zoonoses.” Not to be confused with “zoo nose,” which, for the record, is a very hurtful thing to call a teenager who’s already got enough to deal with. And Covid is by no means the only zoonotic disease out there. There are an estimated 1.7 million currently undiscovered viruses in mammals and birds, of which between six and 800,000 could have the ability to infect humans. And lots of animal species are hosts for zoonotic disease. Birds and pigs can harbor influenza. Chimpanzees were the bridge of HIV to humans, and turtles can carry salmonella, which is something we all remember from one of the darkest episodes of the Ninja Turtles cartoon. That’s right: one of their turtle powers seemed to be inadvertently killing April O’Neil. One of the biggest vectors for transmitting viruses is, famously, bats. They’ve been linked to Ebola, the deadly Nipah virus, and Covid-19. In fact, here is that eerily prescient expert that you saw earlier warning of the dangers of a popular bat-based tourist attraction back in 2016.

The bats here in this cave are the same bats that carry SARS virus. When they’re up there, they urinate and defecate right on top of the tourists that are walking through. And all you have got to do is be that one person to breathe in at the wrong time, and suddenly you have been infected with a — with a virus that is not only potentially lethal to people, it could cause a future pandemic.

John: That’s horrible — and not just the disease part. Just the very concept of this walk-in bat toilet being a tourist destination. That might be the worst tourist attraction since Disneyland put Johnny Depp animatronics in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. C’mon, Disney, there’s kids here! They’re here to watch some jolly nautical rapists and thieves, not a weird, sad millionaire doing a b-plus Keith Richards. Now there are reasons that bats are such good hosts for disease. They can fly, so they can cover large distances. They’ve developed specialized immune systems that don’t overreact to infections, which keeps them from falling ill. And they are insanely plentiful. Nearly a quarter of the world’s mammal species are bats. And if you’re thinking, “great, then there’s an easy fix here: let’s simply kill all bats,” that’s actually not a great idea, for multiple reasons. Not only are they crucial elements of our ecosystem, they’re also way cuter than they’re often given credit for! Just look at this fuzzy little goober eating a banana! Look at this one scarfing down a watermelon! And just look at this little guy trying to absolutely house a single grape. Look at him go! Who’s struggling with a grape? You are! You’re struggling with a grape, you little goth mouse! Also, it is important to remember that the fact that we may’ve caught Covid from bats isn’t so much their fault as it is ours. Because outbreaks of bat viruses don’t tend to come from them seeking us out; they usually happen when a human takes a bat somewhere it’d never go on its own or intrudes on its home. And that actually brings us to the first big thing we’re doing that may well bring about the next pandemic. And that is erasing the buffer between civilization and wildlife. Scientists have repeatedly warned us about the dangers of deforestation, urbanization, mining, and generally supplanting natural habitats, which has been far more extensive than you might think.

Many people imagine there’s this untouched wilderness because they see it on their tv screens, but the reality is, there’s really not a lot of wild left there.

We’ve already lost nearly 90% of the wetlands around the world. We’ve transformed the forests, our grasslands. We’ve converted 75% of the land that is not covered by ice.

Three quarters of the terrestrial surface has been changed. A lot of it just to feed one species.

John: it’s true. We’ve changed three-quarters of the earth’s land areas! And while some of that was necessary, we have also changed a lot to build dumb, pointless shit that no one really wants or needs, like paintball courses, or novelty t-shirt shops, or Salt Lake City. And that vanishing boundary has brought increased risk. Over 30% of new and emerging diseases are linked to deforestation and land use change. Take the Amazon. Studies have documented that clearing patches of forest appears to create the ideal habitat along forest edges for the type of mosquito that’s the most common transmitter of malaria there. Or take West Africa. The first victim of 2014’s Ebola outbreak was a young boy who’d been seen playing near a tree infested with bats before he got sick. He lived in a small village where much of the surrounding forest had been destroyed by foreign mining and timber operations. And evidence suggests that that is what brought the bats into his village. And before you think this is just an overseas problem, it is worth remembering that one of the clearest examples of habitat destruction fueling an emerging disease happened right here in the U.S., where Lyme disease was first identified in Connecticut in the 1980s, and was driven by suburbanization.

[2011) What we’ve found is that the probability that a tick is going to acquire an infection when it feeds on a white footed mouse is about 90%. As we fragment the landscape, we chop up continuous forest into little bits, we lose species. They disappear. One of the last creatures is the white footed mouse. So as we reduce diversity, we’re losing the species that protect us and favoring the ones that make us sick.

John: Right. We fragmented the landscape and that drove out predators, leaving creatures like white-footed mice, who are the main culprits when it comes to Lyme disease transmission. And you know what that means: fuck white-footed mice. They can go fuck themselves. Unlike, of course, rats, who can and should go fuck each other. But it’s not just us moving closer to animals. It’s that, more and more, we’re bringing wild animals into contact with us through the wildlife trade. Now sometimes that takes the form of exotic pets, whether it’s when Paris Hilton got a kinkajou named Babyluv, or this random British man’s extremely ill-advised roommate.

[“ITV Evenings News” (2019), ITV]

An ordinary street in Kent and a suburban semi with a normal conservatory. But it’s licensed for something far from normal. Is a crocodile a suitable pet to have in a suburban house like this?

He’s very mellow. He’s not the same animal he would be because he’s — he’s adjusted, shall we say, to human life. Having something that no one else has got is — is an interesting thing.

John: I mean, sure. I guess that’s true. But even if you insist on owning a wild animal — which you really shouldn’t — why a crocodile? They’re not remotely cuddly. You’re basically flooding your broom closet to make room for a carnivorous surfboard. The only acceptable human use for any crocodile or alligator is as the star of the internet’s greatest music video:

♪ it’s flat fuck Friday ♪
♪ you fuckin’ losers ♪
♪ it’s flat fuck Friday ♪

John: Excellent. That is excellent. That song is catchier than SARS in a good way. The point is, exotic pet ownership has caused real problems. In 2003, 47 people across six states caught Monkeypox — which had never infected humans outside of Africa — after having contact with infected prairie dogs purchased as pets. And in 2006, Paris Hilton had to go to the hospital after her kinkajou bit her. And it’s hard to say which was worse: a U.S. Monkeypox outbreak, or Babyluv’s shocking betrayal. Et tu, kinkajou? But perhaps the most famous way wild animals can spread disease to humans is when they’re sold for consumption. And the phrase you’re probably already thinking of right now is “wet markets.” Like the one in Wuhan, which may well have been the breakout site of Covid-19. And you should know: the term “wet market” is used incredibly broadly and often incorrectly. Many wet markets are essentially just places where fresh meat, seafood, and produce are sold, not unlike a farmer’s market. And they can be key sources of fresh, affordable food around the world, especially in developing areas where there isn’t, y’know, a Trader Joe’s three blocks away. However, some of those markets do sell wildlife like bats and snakes and conditions in some of those wildlife markets can be ideal for disease transmission.

So here in cages right next to each other, we’ve got adult raccoons next to capybara, which is from South America. Those are from North America. Cages right next to each other. This is the biggest rodent in the world. And on top of here, I think — marmosets on top of the capybara.

What we just saw here is like a biological warfare lab. Any one animal can transmit a pathogen to another, somebody buys it, handles it, takes it home as a pet or eats it. Boom. We have another pandemic.

John: Right. When wild animals from different parts of the world are held in close proximity, with weakened immune systems due to stress, pathogens can easily jump from one species to another, and potentially to humans. Which should, at the very least, make you seriously rethink your island in “animal crossing.” You honestly still think it’s still a good idea to live in close proximity with a raccoon, an owl, a gorilla, a tiger, a sheep, a koala, an octopus, a hamster, a penguin, a rhino, and a chicken named Goose, all of whom traveled there from different parts of the world? That’s not an island paradise — it’s a disease Chernobyl waiting to happen. Shut that shit down! And listen, I know it doesn’t sound great whenever someone, particularly with this accent, starts tut-tutting about how people in other countries feed themselves and make a living. And for what it’s worth, before we go tell everyone else what to do, we might want to acknowledge that our track record on mixing animals isn’t great, either. One expert that we spoke to said a major concern of theirs is state fairs. Which does kind of make sense. State and agricultural fairs have been linked to multiple disease outbreaks, with one in 2012 that infected over 300 people — mostly children — across 10 states. That probably explains why fairgoers have been repeatedly warned, “no kissing pigs!” And look, it’s easy to think, “come on, I’d never kiss a pig,” but are you sure about that? What about this one? Not you’re so sure now, are you? What about this one right here? Now you’re even more confused. And how about this pig? Exactly, I thought so. I’ve got great news: this hot little pork chop’s been watching you from across the bar all night. It is down for some stuff. And America’s actually ground zero for another dangerous practice: factory farming. It’s something that started here, but has since skyrocketed around the world, to the point that factory farms now supply more than 90% of meat globally and 99% of meat domestically. In factory farms, livestock are bred and confined in ways that can enable viruses to spread among them much more easily.

[“Vice News Tonight” (2020)

Dr. Rob Wallace, Evolutionary Biologist: We have several thousand hogs packed in together and they’re all genetically largely the same. That selects for the most virulent pathogens that are possible. And so, in the course of industrializing livestock production, we are also industrializing the pathogens that circulate among them.

John: Exactly. I know it’s hard to believe, but the cold, mechanized factories that cram animals together before stamping their flesh into plastic meat-molds and ejecting the outcome into supermarket freezer sections across the nation might be doing something bad. And when you put all of this together, it does begin to seem like we’re actively trying to start pandemics. Which brings us to the obvious question: how do we stop doing that? Well, the most effective way would be to close down all wildlife markets, ban factory farming, stop eating meat altogether, halt deforestation, shut down all state fairs, and definitely take away Paris Hilton’s kinkajou. But obviously, none of those are going to happen. For one thing, we know that kinkajou bites. But also, draconian measures are just not going to work here. For instance, if you abolish wildlife markets, that could cause food scarcity, and would likely just lead to an explosion in black market trade of wild animals. The reason we know that is, that’s reportedly exactly what happened when China attempted just such a ban in 2003, in response to SARS. Which is not to say that we shouldn’t try to reduce harmful practices — because we should. Many experts argue for what’s called a “one health” perspective, where we recognize that the health of humans, animals, environment, are all connected, and take that into account when making decisions on everything from environmental regulations to urban planning. And there are going to need to be lots of smaller solutions, too, which will look different everywhere, because, crucially, everywhere is different. Take Thailand. They’ve had some real success in preventing outbreaks there by providing farmers with a phone app to flag any problems that they see.

It’s similar to a poor man’s Instagram without any filters, that helps the volunteers in the village to submit abnormal health events in real time.

You couldn’t train everyone to be a health expert but you can train everyone to be eyes and ears.

John: That’s very clever. Because with that app, farmers there have a way to spot a possibly sick bird that could inform broader public policy. Which isn’t just effective disease prevention, it was also interestingly the working title of this show. That scheme has been a success, partly because it preserves people’s livelihoods, and aligns farmers’ interests with those of their larger community. And there will be thousands of small ideas like that, that could end up making a real difference. And look, there’s no denying all of this is going to cost money. And unfortunately, some scientists doubt our appetite for long-term spending on this. Just listen to this researcher in Brazil make that exact point, while taking samples from bats.

[Close Up: Brazil – The Virus Hunters” (2020)

It’s extremely difficult to get funding for our kind of research. Now, during the pandemic, it has been a little easier. But as soon as the virus crisis is over, our financial worries will return. I’m not very optimistic.

John: Yeah, that’s not great. “I’m not very optimistic” isn’t what you want to hear from someone scraping germs out of a bat. That’s a woman who literally knows her shit. So we need to spend however much is necessary to change her answer there. And I’m not saying this will be cheap; one estimate for the cost of global prevention runs between $22 and $31 billion a year. But bear in mind, even if it was double that, the cost of Covid-19 in the U.S. Alone is estimated to be over $16 trillion. So, to put it mildly, it’s fucking worth it. And I know, right now, that might seem obvious. The problem is, as we come out the other side of this pandemic, there is a real danger that we’re going to start to get complacent. So for the good of future generations — and in all likelihood, us in a few years — we really need to remember the way we feel right now and invest accordingly. Because the truth is, you never know where the next pandemic is going to come from.

Hey, y’all! Remember me? I’m back! And I’m gonna do what the coronavirus couldn’t: I’m gonna kill Tom Hanks!

John: Please don’t do that, virus!

Rita Wilson, too! They’re gonna call me Oliver’s plague!

John: I really don’t want you to be called that.

Oh, I think it’s got a ring to it!

John: I absolutely don’t. The point is, we have got to remember this feeling. It’s our only hope. That’s our show. Thank you so much for watching, we’ll see you next week, good night.

Ooh, John, do you think a bunch of celebrities will make a video of themselves singing “Imagine” when I first break out?

John: Probably, to be honest.

I’ve got a surprise for you!

John: What is your surprise?

I can spread through Zoom!

John: How can you spread through zoom?

Nature’s full of miracles! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m goin’ to Disneyworld! I’m gonna give everyone bloody diarrhea!

John: I hate you!


2 thoughts on “The Next Pandemic: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver – Transcript”

  1. Hi this isn’t the full transcript; will you finish it? Want to edit the swear words and liberal jokes and try to get my conservative mom to take it seriously

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