Curb Your Enthusiasm – S12E09 – Ken/kendra | Transcript

Original air date: March 31, 2024

A misunderstanding with Cheryl’s masseuse threatens to tarnish Larry’s image before his upcoming trial. To try to dispel the negative impact, Larry offers to introduce her to Bruce Springsteen who is in town on tour and wants to meet Larry due to his actions in Atlanta. Larry ends up with COVID which he passes on to Bruce, further threatening Larry’s public image.

* * *

♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(GRUNTS)

♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LARRY DAVID: (GRUNTS) Yeah, that’s it. That’s the spot. That’s good.

Cheryl tight same spot.

LARRY: Yeah.

Only Chunhua can fix.

LARRY: All right. I hope so.

Cheryl so nice. She’s so pretty. Cheryl too good for you! (LAUGHS) And Ted Danson. He’s handsome and flexible.

LARRY: Oh, really?

CHUNHUA: Yes. Don’t be jealous! You brittle like wood! You are so skinny. Why you no eat?

LARRY: I eat. I eat plenty.

Your skin so dry. You drink water?

LARRY: Yeah, I drink water.

Not enough!

LARRY: (SPLUTTERS, SCOFFS) This is… Oh, yeah, that’s good. I like that. That’s nice.

Finish!

♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

LARRY: Huh? That’s it? What about this? You’re done?

You want happy ending?

LARRY: No, I don’t (CHUCKLES) Happy end No. You’ve only done 35 minutes. I paid for an hour.

No! No, no, no, no.

LARRY: I don’t want a happy ending!

No! No, no happy ending!

LARRY: I don’t want a happy ending! I just want an ending!

No, no, no. I no happy ending!

LARRY: Are you nuts? What are you doing?

You mess with wrong person.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS)

LARRY: The woman’s out of her mind. That’s all I said. “That’s it?” She gave me 35 minutes. You know, and the whole massage she’s going… (IMITATES CHUNHUA) “Oh, you too skinny. You need to eat. You have bad skin.”

So, she’s insulting you the whole time–

LARRY: She’s insulting me the whole time, and then she threatens me at the end for something I didn’t even do.

That’s scary shit.

LARRY: Scary. I’m a little nervous. You know, she’s… she’s kind of off her rocker.

JEFF GREENE: You know what? Cheryl was always talking about her, but I never used her. I had a hunch about her.

LARRY: If you had a hunch, why didn’t you say something?

Well, a hunch can be wrong, so I keep my hunches to myself.

LARRY: No. A hunch is something that’s shared. Otherwise, it’s just a thought in your head.

A hunch is like a sneeze, gotta let that shit out.

LARRY: Exactly. Eleanor Roosevelt…

Yeah?

LARRY: …what if she had a hunch about Pearl Harbor? Is she supposed to keep that to herself, or should she tell her husband?

(IMITATES ELEANOR ROOSEVELT) “Franklin, I have a very bad feeling that something awful is going to happen at Pearl Harbor tomorrow. You must get the ships out.”

LARRY: Could you imagine if she told Franklin the day after?

(IMITATES ELEANOR) “Franklin, I had a hunch about that.”

(IMITATES FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT) “Eleanor, you stupid twat.” (CHUCKLES) “Why didn’t you say something?”

You’re rewriting history.

LARRY: You had no hunch.

No, you didn’t have no fucking hunch. Know why? ‘Cause your fucking shoulders didn’t go up.

LARRY: Your shoulders didn’t move.

And that mannerism’s only good for hunches and shit. See? I had a hunch. You can’t use that shit for, “Fuck you.” Or, you know, “You cheated on me. You ain’t shit. Don’t come back here no more.”

It’s exclusive to the hunch?

LEON BLACK: Fuck yeah, it is. You don’t use that shit nowhere else.

Gentlemen. How’s everything tasting over here? I’m the owner.

Great salad.

Are you Ollie or Al?

Actually, those are made up deli owner characters. My name is Lorenzo.

LARRY: Oh, okay.

LORENZO: Let me know if you need anything, huh?

Thank you.

LARRY: Will do.

Fucking berries are fucking delicious. You know what they say, the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

LARRY: What do they say?

Darker the berry, meaning the darker you are, the sweeter your juice is.

What?

If a cannibal ate me, that motherfucker would be like, “Mm! (SMACKS LIPS) Wow, this motherfucker’s delicious.”

LARRY: You’re saying that cannibals prefer Black people to White people?

Fuck yeah, they do.

LARRY: I think he’s got a point, ’cause Dahmer mostly ate– Black people, did he not?

Yep. He did. If the motherfucker did, he’d have to add condiments on you motherfuckers. Like, shit… (MUTTERS)

LARRY: Yeah. Yeah, you need condiments for White people.

Hey. Hohohoho. I got some great news. I got a call from Bruce Springsteen’s manager. Bruce Springsteen is coming to town on his farewell tour, and he wants to meet you.

LARRY: He wants to meet me?

Yeah.

LARRY: What?

JEFF: Yeah.

Wow.

He was really moved by you taking on that voter law.

LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Get the hell out of here.

Are you good with that?

LARRY: Yeah.

Great. It’s exciting. I’ll call his manager.

LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Fantastic.

The Boss.

♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LARRY: Hey, what if I walked like this?

You start walking like that, man, they gotta give you your own fucking lane. That way it won’t throw regular motherfuckers off. You know?

LARRY: This is, like, good exercise.

Yeah.

LARRY: And I’m making progress.

I like that shit.

LARRY: Huh?

You’re moving along,

people see it, everybody’ll start doing it.

LARRY: It could catch on.

And then they’ll add you to the evolution of man chart.

LARRY: (LAUGHS)

Like motherfuckers who walk normal, and then all of a sudden, at the end…

LARRY: Yeah.

…like modern day motherfuckers walk like this.

LARRY: (LAUGHS) Right.

Next thing you know. You see? You go down in history. (LAUGHS) Shit. Let’s get the fuck out of here. Fuck you doing, man?

LARRY: Trying to get the zipper up.

(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

LEON: Do that shit in the car, man.

LARRY: It’s easier to do it standing.

You gotta jiggle it.

LARRY: Yeah, I’m jiggling.

You ain’t jiggling right.

LARRY: What is it with these zippers?

You’re not a good jiggler.

(LAUGHS) Larry.

LARRY: Hey, Les.

How’s it going?

LARRY: Eh, you know, I can’t get this zipper up here, but whatever.

I haven’t seen you since Young Larry.

LARRY: Yeah. Oh, hey, Leon, this is Les McCrabb. He directed two of the Young Larry episodes.

My man.

LES MCCRABB: Anyway, I just wanna tell you that my episodes have had tremendous feedback. People have been saying they don’t look like any of the other episodes.

LARRY: Yeah, they did have a a a distinctive look.

I only ended up doing the two episodes, but I’d love to do some more.

LARRY: Oh. Um, well

Between you and I, I think I’m gonna be busy anyway. I’m in talks about this, um, Waze app feature.

LARRY: A movie, uh, based on the Waze app?

LES: Yeah.

LARRY: Okay.

Ron Howard’s people.

LARRY: Uhhuh.

A guy called Jeff Donat.

LARRY: Jeff Donat.

Right. Jeff Donat.

LARRY: Jeff Donat.

LES: Yes, he’s in charge of the whole thing. Do you know him?

LARRY: Don’t think so. No.

I’m told he’s way up there. He works with Ken Puffin.

LARRY: Nice.

Sounds like a good idea?

LARRY: No. Not really.

I didn’t really wanna talk about that. What I do wanna talk about is my manuscript.

LARRY: Hang A Lantern On It.

LES: Hang A Lantern On It.

LARRY: Yes.

Did you like it?

LARRY: Oh, uh, I loved it.

Which bit did you like the best?

LARRY: Yeah, I– I mean, there were– Oh, my God, there’s so many.

We need to talk about it because I need your opinions before it goes to the publishers. So, it’d be great if you could give me any ideas that you have.

LARRY: Yeah, well, no, we’ll discuss the book. It’s great. (CHUCKLES) It really is.

Well, we could now. I mean, there’s a seat here.

LARRY: You know what? I can’t do it now. I– I– You know, um, I gotta take my friend. He’s getting a, uh, shingles vaccine. We’re kind of late. So…

Does he have shingles?

LARRY: No, no, it’s to prevent the shingles. It’s just recommended. You should get one too.

Well, you should get one. You know what shingles means? It’s herpes.

LARRY: Oh!

What the fuck?

Okay.

LARRY: Yeah.

And you’ve been sat in the car with him?

LARRY: He doesn’t have it.

I wouldn’t get back in that car.

Wait a fucking minute.

It can kill men your age.

LARRY: Food for thought.

Thing is, Larry, time is of the essence with this book. I’m about to go away, and where I’m going, there’s no mobile phone, so I’ll be off the grid, as they say.

LARRY: Oh. Where are you going?

A yoga retreat. I plan to get a complete clear out. Have you had a complete clear out?

LARRY: No. What is a clear out?

Let’s just say it’s a very delicate matter where nothing is left to the imagination.

LARRY: I’m imagining.

There’s an old saying at home, “Every hole is a goal.”

LARRY: Mm.

Do you want a hand with this zipper?

LARRY: Oh.

LES: Hold this.

LARRY: What? Uh, you don’t really have to.

No, I don’t mind at all.

LARRY: Les. Uh, Les.

You gotta jiggle that shit.

There we go.

LARRY: Oh. Oh, wow.

(CHUCKLES) Whoa.

LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Hey! Look at that.

There we are. Yeah.

LARRY: Good job there, Les. Yeah.

Look. Don’t forget to call me. I’m only here for a week.

Motherfucker.

LARRY: Absolutely. I’ll call you.

LEON: Hey, go fuck yourself, Crabby. Jeez.

LARRY: Oh, my God. That’s the last guy in the world I wanted to run into.

What was that, man?

LARRY: He’s the worst director we ever had. I’d never hire him again.

You read his book?

LARRY: No, I didn’t read his book. But you know what? Now I have to.

If you weren’t spending so much time on the zipper, we would’ve been fucking out of here by now.

LARRY: It’s true. The zipper delayed me. We would’ve been gone. I never would’ve run into him.

And being feeble didn’t allow you to fucking get that zipper back on track.

LARRY: Wait… Wait a second. Wait a second. So you’re saying that I couldn’t get that zipper up because I’m enfeebled?

Feeble motherfuckers don’t even know they fucking feeble.

LARRY: Okay, you know what?

LEON: Hmm?

LARRY: When we get back to the house, you’re gonna put this sweater on. I wanna see you put that zipper up.

I’ll zip it up. You know how many times– I’ve had to throw my pants on real quick?

LARRY: Bullshit.

And the lady’s husband shows up or her boyfriend shows up, I gotta put that motherfucker on quick. I never derail. You got zipper karma. You fuck with the zipper, and the zipper fuck with you.

LARRY: Ah, can’t believe I gotta read that book now.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Oh, okay.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

You must be Larry’s new lawyer, huh?

Mmhmm. I’m Sibby Sanders.

Hey, Sibby. Good to meet you. Yeah. My name’s Leon Black.

Hi, Leon.

I like that lipstick you got on.

Thank you.

LEON: Yeah. That shit’s beautiful on your mouth.

Hmm.

Mm. What’s it called?

It’s called, “Don’t go there.”

Okay. Okay. I see what’s up.

SIBBY SANDERS: Mmhmm.

(LEON CHUCKLES) You need anything?

SIBBY: No, I’m good. Thank you.

LEON: Yeah. Let me ask you a question. In that bungalow I got back there, I had a lot of hit and runs. You know what I’m saying? So, if you ever wanna get in an accident, that could be, uh, Tboned, sideswiped, head on, or rear ended. You feel me?

Mmhmm.

(LEON CHUCKLES)

Well, look at you. You look great.

LARRY: (CHUCKLES) Really? It’s not me. It’s just, uh–

SIBBY: I love it.

LARRY: The jury’s not gonna buy this.

SIBBY: It’s perfect.

LARRY: They’re gonna see through this act. I feel like a phony.

How does he look?

Like a mortician. Like you ’bout to bury a motherfucker.

Don’t listen to him, Larry.

LARRY: So you guys have met?

You ever have hot chocolate in the house again, you let me know. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. We got a little pending hit and run case we’re working on. You know? (CLEARS THROAT)

LARRY: Okay. Get the fuck out of here. Get lost.

See you later.

He lives here?

LARRY: Yeah. I’m so sorry. But I don’t know what he said, but I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant.

I’m used to it. It’s okay. So, the trial is in a few weeks, and it’s gonna be more about you and how you’re perceived than the facts. The facts are indisputable. You gave her the water. So it’s gonna come down to the jury saying, “Do we like Larry or do we not like Larry?”

LARRY: Well, if it’s coming down to that…

Mmhmm.

LARRY: …it’s no contest. Okay?

That’s right.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Not in that suit.

LARRY: Leon, will you get that?

LEON: I got it!

LARRY: And in terms of being likable, you know what my mother used to say? “What’s not to like?”

Larry, did you ask my masseuse for a hand job?

LARRY: What?

Oh, shit.

LARRY: No!

She’s not a sex worker. She’s a masseuse. She’s a professional woman.

LARRY: Never, never did that. No.

Larry.

Is this true?

LARRY: I didn’t do that, okay? She misinter–

CHERYL HINES: It’s so disrespectful.

LARRY: I didn’t do that! Cheryl, she misinter– It’s bullshit. This is–

Hey, Larry. Don’t talk to her like that. That’s a woman right there.

LARRY: No, that’s not–

Thank you.

LARRY: That’s my ex-wife. That’s not a woman. Yeah.

By the way, I’m Cheryl.

Sibby Sanders. I’m his lawyer.

Oh. Good luck.

SIBBY: Mmhmm.

LARRY: This whole thing’s a misunderstanding. Okay? She gave me a massage, and then she stopped after 35 minutes, and I went, “That’s it?” And she misinterpreted it.

True or not true, this is an ugly accusation at the worst possible time. You gotta fix this. You gotta handle this before the trial.

She is very upset, Larry.

LARRY: (SIGHS)

Maybe I should go over there and talk to her and make sure she’s even qualified to be giving hand jobs to people.

I don’t think that’s necessary.

LARRY: Does she like Bruce Springsteen?

I– Well Who doesn’t like Bruce Springsteen? (CHUCKLES) I mean, I can ask her.

LARRY: Okay. All right. I’m seeing him tomorrow. I could introduce her to him, maybe.

Why are you seeing Bruce Springsteen?

LARRY: Eh, he wants to meet me because of, uh, Atlanta.

So you’re gonna introduce her to Bruce?

LARRY: You know, I’ll try.

Wow, that would be big. That would be nice. That would be really nice.

And hopefully that’ll fix it.

And if Chunhua’s gon’ be there, then maybe Bruce Springsteen would like a hand job.

♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LARRY: Oh, my God.

LARRY: He changed his rating from a C to an A.

You’re kidding me.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

And you saw him do it?

LARRY: I saw him do it.

He should’ve said B. If he said B, it’s not that far from A.

You’d eat in a B?

A B? Yeah, I’d eat at a B.

Springsteen eats at a B.

(LAUGHS)

I’m shocked. I gotta tell you, I’m completely shocked.

Well, B’s not that bad.

LARRY: Yeah.

I’ve eaten at a thousand and one Bs.

LARRY: I mean, I’m eating here. I don’t even know what this is. What’s the rating on this dump?

Bruce, my house is an A-plus. Trust me.

LARRY: You know what I’m thinking?

Hmm?

LARRY: I’m thinking I should call the health department on this restaurant.

No, don’t get involved.

LARRY: Why? Is that squealing? I don’t even think that’s squealing.

I don’t know if it’s fulltilt squealing, but it’s… it’s squealish.

LARRY: You could be eating in that restaurant, getting sick, and dying because it’s a C. I could’ve saved your life.

I know one thing about Larry David. Larry David is a man that gets involved.

LARRY: Thank you, Boss. May I call you Boss?

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Yeah. Sure, sure.

LARRY: Eh.

Hey, the thing in Georgia, the balls it took to put yourself in that situation. I told myself, “I wanna meet Larry David. This guy is a hero of mine.”

LARRY: Thank you.

SUSIE GREENE: Now, you know, he knew the woman. It didn’t take a whole lot of balls, really.

The woman in Atlanta?

SUSIE: Yeah. He knew her.

That you gave the water to?

LARRY: Why don’t you mind your own fucking business? Who cares?

SUSIE: I’m just saying. It’s just a fact.

JEFF: Talk about squealing.

LARRY: I still know I’m getting arrested. I gave her the water.

You knew you were gonna be arrested?

Well, I knew it was against the law.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Yeah.

JEFF: And you didn’t care.

LARRY: (SIGHS) Les McCrabb. This guy sent me a manuscript of his book. He asked me if I read it. I said I did, I loved it, and now, he’s calling me to have an in-depth conversation about it.

(LAUGHS) Same thing happened to me. A musician gave me a demo of a band that he liked and thought could go somewhere. I get the tape. I put it on for two seconds, I took it off. I never listened to the rest of it.

LARRY: Who was this?

I don’t wanna say. You know, I mean, we’re friends.

LARRY: Who was it?

No, we’re friends. I don’t wanna…

LARRY: You can tell me. Boss, come on.

BRUCE: I don’t wanna say.

LARRY: Come on. Come on, Boss.

(HESITATES) It was Don Henley.

LARRY: Don Henley.

BRUCE: And now, I’m self-conscious if I get a phone call from him or if I see him somewhere.

LARRY: Sure, yeah. Yeah. I would avoid him for the rest of my life.

That’s… That’s the situation you’ve got yourself into with Mr. McCrabb…

LARRY: Yeah. Yeah.

…or whatever his name is.

LARRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Les McCrabb.

Yeah.

That is great news.

God. Farewell tour completely sold out.

(LAUGHS)

KEN MORRIS: Isn’t that awesome?

Hey.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank you.

That’s great.

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Larry, good to see you again.

LARRY: Again?

I’m sorry. I do this all the time. I forget that I haven’t told people. It’s been like 20, 25 years. I used to work at Universal when you were at Seinfeld, and, uh, I used to be Kendra. And now, I’m Ken. Remember Kendra?

LARRY: Mor… Mor… Kendra Morris?

(CHUCKLES) Kendra Morris. Yeah.

LARRY: Hey. Oh. Wow.

I don’t know if you guys know this, but Larry and I used to hook up.

LARRY: Eh. (CHUCKLES)

KEN: Let’s just say it. Let’s just say it.

LARRY: Sure, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It’s no big deal. It’s no big deal.

LARRY: Sure. When you were Kendra. Yeah.

We had some great times.

LARRY: Yeah. Yeah. Good times. Good times.

It’s crazy you guys haven’t seen each other in so long.

LARRY: Wait a second. Wait a second. That… That’s my water.

I don’t think so.

LARRY: I’m 100 percent positive that’s mine. I You know, I follow my water like it’s a three-card monte game.

I put my water down where I can comfortably reach it.

LARRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But as you can see, this is– It’s within my hash marks.

It’s in your hash marks?

LARRY: It’s within my hash marks.

All right, got it. This one’s fine.

LARRY: Yeah.

I’m fine.

LARRY: Yeah. That’s…

It’s so good to see you, Larry. It is crazy how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other.

LARRY: Yeah.

You look great.

LARRY: Oh, that’s so nice.

Still a sexy beast.

LARRY: (LAUGHS)

Look at you. Look at you. Doesn’t he look great, you guys?

LARRY: Yeah. You– You’ve changed, uh, quite a lot.

KEN: Yeah. Yeah.

LARRY: Yeah.

Some people say that I’m as hot as a man as I was a woman.

LARRY: Uh.

KEN: So…

LARRY: Eh…

KEN: This guy.

We had this little thing. I don’t know what it was. Larry would come over to my place–

LARRY: You know, nobody’s really interested in reminiscing and going over this stuff. It’s boring, really. You know.

It’s not boring.

I am. I’m interested.

(CHUCKLES) I wanna hear a little more about this.

KEN: Do you remember this? You’d come over, and every time we were intimate, we would have sex on the floor.

(GROANS)

On the floor?

KEN: Yeah.

I’ll tell you one thing. (SPLUTTERS) Sorry. I didn’t make you out for a floor fucker. (CHUCKLES)

Why’d you wanna have sex on the floor, Larr?

LARRY: Because if you have sex on the floor, nobody wants to hang out on the floor afterwards, so you can, you know, put your coat on and go home.

So, you don’t have to bond or, you know, talk or cuddle afterwards, yeah.

LARRY: All right, so what? Who wants to talk to somebody you’ve had sex with?

I’m sure there was cuddling before, though.

Oh, yeah, when Larry wanted something, Larry was real cuddly. Weren’t you, Larry? And then, uh, afterwards, nah, not so much.

It’s a small world, Larry. You and Ken sleeping together?

LARRY: No. No. No. I slept with Kendra… not Ken.

Kendra is Ken.

LARRY: Kendra is not Ken.

No, Kendra’s Ken.

LARRY: Kendra’s not Ken.

Kendra’s Ken.

I am Ken. You had sex with me.

Ken is Kendra. Kendra is Ken.

LARRY: Ken is Ken, Kendra is Kendra, and never the twain shall meet.

Oh, we’ve met. I’m Ken, and we banged it out.

Hey, this was fun. I’m glad when I came out here I got a chance to say hello. Time to hit it?

KEN: Yeah.

Yeah. Let’s get going.

BRUCE: Think we’re gonna hit it. ‘Kay.

Nice to meet you all.

LARRY: Yeah.

Nice to meet you.

LARRY: Nice. Yeah.

See you, Larry.

LARRY: Good to see you again.

SUSIE: Wait. You’re leaving already?

We gotta go. I– We got a thing. I’m sorry.

SUSIE: We had dessert and everything.

JEFF: All right, thanks for coming by.

LARRY: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pleasure.

I promise you.

SUSIE: We have more food.

I will never mention this again, ever.

SUSIE: Can I help you?

Oh, I’m Chunhua for Larry.

LARRY: Yeah. Yeah.

For Larry?

LARRY: This is, uh This is Bruce. This is Chunhua.

BRUCE: Oh, hi.

(GASPS, GIGGLES)

SUSIE: Bye.

LARRY: Yeah.

BRUCE: Bye-bye.

What is that, Larry?

LARRY: What do you mean?

That is not introduction.

LARRY: That was an introduction. I introduced him. I said, Bruce, this is Chunhua. He said hello.

But no handshake, no talk, not even picture!

LARRY: I never said anything about a picture. I said I’d introduce you. I introduced you.

No introduction! You fail! You fail!

LARRY: I didn’t fail!

You have nice house.

LARRY: I didn’t Was that not an introduction?

(DOOR SLAMMING)

It was not a good introduction.

LARRY: It was an introduction.

You bringing these crazy fucking people into my house? Who the hell was she?

LARRY: Oh, well, she’s a ma masseuse.

You know what? Get the fuck out. You make Bruce leave early. You bring some crazy broad in here. Just go. I’ve had it with you today.

LARRY: Fine. Fine. I don’t need to stay anymore.

SUSIE: No, you don’t.

What are you doing?

LARRY: I gotta zip up before I go out.

What are you, six years old? You can’t do your fucking zipper?

LARRY: All right, I’m going! Oh, hey. Got it.

SUSIE: Good boy.

LARRY: Drop dead.

♪ (“SYMPHONY NO. 5” BY BEETHOVEN PLAYING) ♪

( COUGHS, SNIFFS)

(COUGHS)

(SIGHS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey.

LARRY: I have COVID.

You do?

LARRY: Yeah. I had a little sore throat, so I figured I’d take a test.

JEFF: What’d it say?

LARRY: Positive.

Do you have two red lines?

LARRY: Yes. It shows the two red lines. Two red lines.

I fucking hate the two red lines.

LARRY: Anyway, you better take a test, you and Susie.

We will. Hey, by the way, I was about to call you. Turn on channel five, KTLA.

LARRY: Okay. Hold on.

Sad news for Southland music lovers. Bruce Springsteen has been diagnosed with COVID.

LARRY: What the fuck?

RICK CHAMBERS: He is symptomatic, which means he’s had to cancel the final show of his farewell tour that was set to take place right here in Los Angeles. What a shame…

LARRY: Maybe I was wrong about whose glass was whose?

JEFF: Do you think?

Get better soon, Boss.

MAN: (OVER TV) Thirty-six hours of steady rainfall…

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(COUGHS)

LARRY: Yeah, I’m just calling people I’ve been in contact with. So, you know, take a test. … Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m quarantining. No, the It’s very disappointing, because I’d gone years without getting it. I felt really special. Now, I’m just like You know, I’m like everybody else. (SIGHS) It’s too bad I didn’t have more social obligations. It’s such a great excuse. The fridge is still humming. I think you need to come back and fix it, but I guess you’ll have to wait till I’m better. Unless you wind up having COVID. In which case, you know, you can come tomorrow. (SIGHS) Yeah, I feel like a pariah. More than normal. Thanks for being so understanding. Let me know if you get it. We’ll… We’ll do something.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

LEON: What’s up?

LARRY: Just contacting people.

Who you got left?

LARRY: I got everybody but, uh, this guy, Les McCrabb.

Oh, yeah, the British dude.

LARRY: I can’t really call him until I read the book.

Man, you gotta let that motherfucker know, Larry. This COVID shit real, man. Don’t keep fucking around.

LARRY: I’ll call him as soon as I read the book. Come on, I’m sick. Don’t harass me.

Harassing you? You got me fucked up right now. I’m over in that bullshitass, littleass house, and you got the good bathroom. I can’t take number twos over there. It’s too small.

LARRY: It’s pretty sad.

LEON: You don’t need all this house, Larry.

LARRY: I’ll switch places with you, okay? You get the COVID, I’ll live there.

Shit, I don’t want COVID, man. I don’t know what that shit gonna do to my dick. How ’bout I get the house and you live over there?

LARRY: Maybe you could quarantine with me if you had COVID!

Hey, don’t do it. Larry, don’t do it. Don’t do that shit, Larry.

LARRY: If you had COVID!

LEON: No, no, no, no, no, no!

♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(COUGHS)

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

LES: So then Tony says, “America’s not going to like that.” He was always speaking as if his name was “America.” Any time the writers wrote something a little audacious…

LARRY: (GROANS)

…a little salacious, Tony would poopoo it in the name of “America.”

LARRY: (SIGHS)

LES: This became increasingly evident when I was directing Herman’s Head.

LARRY: (SIGHS)

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LEON: You negative yet?

LARRY: Positive.

LEON: Shit.

It’s bad enough Bruce had to cancel his farewell tour, maybe indefinitely, but his health is actually a real issue, and we don’t know how this is gonna turn out.

Yeah, Bruce Springsteen is saying he got COVID from Seinfeld co-creator, Larry David.

LARRY: What?

He tweeted, “I got COVID from spending time with Larry David. If you think you’re sick…

LARRY: Oh, come on. That’s bullshit. You don’t know that!

…don’t invite people to get together.” And Larry’s got a trial coming up at the end of the month in Atlanta.

HODA KOTB: Getting the Boss sick? That is not a good look.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

LARRY: Oh, my God.

SAVANNAH GUTHRIE: Bruce tweeted, “I want to apologize to all my fans. I am heartbroken to miss my final concert.”

LARRY: Hey.

Are you watching this?

LARRY: Yeah, I’m watching.

This is not good, Larry.

LARRY: Yeah, I know it’s not good, but you know what? Maybe he gave me COVID. What are we gonna do about this?

(INHALES DEEPLY)

LARRY: We gotta put out a statement, no?

SIBBY: Putting out a statement is just gonna keep it alive in the press.

LARRY: Wait. Hold on.

(MUFFLED GRUNTS)

SIBBY: Larry?

♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Hello?

(GROANS)

(GASPS, BREATHES DEEPLY)

Larry.

LARRY: You were saying?

LEON: So, when Larry told me he caught something, I thought it might’ve been some old people shit. You know? Like… Like, uh… Like whooping cough, scurvy. You know what I mean? Rickets and shit like that. That’s why I have my own Leon cup with a straw.

Okay, well…

LARRY: Oh. To what do I owe the honor?

Well, Susie told me about your little “sex on the floor” trick.

LARRY: “Sex on the floor” trick?

CHERYL: You used to tell me, “Let’s have sex on the floor because it’s hot. That’s how they do it in the movies.”

Oh, you’re a floor fucker. You never told me that shit.

LARRY: Okay, I like to have sex on the floor.

CHERYL: Why?

LARRY: So what?

What’s the real reason you wanted to have sex on the floor?

LARRY: Because I… (SIGHS)

What?

What is it?

LARRY: I don’t like to… cuddle… and talk.

You don’t like to hug the person you just had sex with?

You can’t hit it and quit it with your wife.

LARRY: Cheryl, listen, if after sex you wanted to talk about the Rangers…

Yeah, I know.

LARRY: …I would’ve had sex on the bed every time. “Hey, how ’bout the way Breadman’s playing? The way he controls that puck, it’s really amazing, isn’t it?”

But you can’t say, “Oh, I love you, and you’re the most important person to me in the whole world?”

LARRY: People talk like that?

Yeah.

LARRY: They do?

Yeah. That’s what happens when people have sex.

LARRY: They say stuff like that?

CHERYL: Yes. They say, “I love you. You’re very special.”

LARRY: Men do that? Hey, by the way, that masseuse gave me COVID.

No, Chunhua did not give you COVID. She tested negative.

LARRY: Oh.

You know, she’s really angry with you.

LARRY: Why?

You said you were gonna introduce her to Bruce.

LARRY: I said an introduction. Chu He said hello.

Did she get a picture with him?

LARRY: He was leaving! What am I supposed–

You need to make it right with her.

LARRY: Why? What do you mean?

Because she’s gonna take you down.

LARRY: What do you mean, take me down?

She’s going to “Me Too” you.

LARRY: “Me Too” for what? I didn’t do anything!

You did something.

LARRY: Just ’cause I like to have sex on the floor does not make me a deviant!

Okay. Well, you better make it right. Yes.

LEON: Hey, you don’t wanna get “Me Tooed.” I was in a threeway, shit got messy, and I got “We Tooed.”

Hey, I’ll… I’ll… I’ll see you later.

LARRY: Have you ever had sex on the floor?

Of course, I did. Know what’s even better? Fucking in mud.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

LARRY: (INHALES) (GASPS) (LAUGHS)

LARRY: (SIGHS)

JEFF: Hey, hey.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

LARRY: All better!

JEFF: Oh, yeah?

LARRY: Yeah.

COVID negative?

LARRY: Negative.

Ah. Congratulations.

(SCOFFS)

LARRY: Yeah. Oh, boy.

I got news for you.

LARRY: Yeah?

Susie’s got COVID.

LARRY: Oh, my God.

Susie’s stuck upstairs. I got the whole first floor to myself.

LARRY: This is unbelievable.

JEFF: Oh, it’s a dream. It’s Jeff World down here. I do whatever I want.

Who’s down there with you, Jeffrey?

It’s Larry.

LARRY: Hey.

He’s not supposed to be here.

LARRY: What? I have immunity.

Oh, you think so?

LARRY: And can I tell you something? I feel like Superman.

Do you really?

LARRY: I can go anywhere, do anything.

How could you be so happy right now? You gave Bruce COVID, Larry! You destroyed his life, his career. He might never play or sing again.

LARRY: Poor Boss. Oh, the poor Boss.

SUSIE: That’s right, poor Boss. His fans are devastated.

LARRY: Oh, the poor fans.

Everybody fucking hates you now.

LARRY: Oh.

SUSIE: It’s all your fault. You’re a walking fucking virus, Larry!

LARRY: Let me tell you something! You’re the virus! Injecting yourself into everybody’s lives!

You’re the virus!

LARRY: You’re the virus!

BOTH: You’re the virus! You’re the virus!

Your entire aura is viral overload!

LARRY: I have a fantastic aura! Jeff, don’t I have a good aura?

A great aura.

LARRY: I have a great

Susie, leave the man’s aura alone.

LARRY: It’s an epic aura. I have a Hall of Fame aura.

You’re small. You’re petty. You’re jealous. You’re trite.

LARRY: I would rather be all those things than the tattletale you are. You had to tell Cheryl I like to have sex on the floor?

Oh, yeah. I had to tell. Yes, I did have to tell.

LARRY: What the hell is that? You’re a squealer!

It was criminal.

LARRY: You ought to be ashamed of yourself, squealing like a little pig.

The fact that you wouldn’t be intimate and cuddle with your own fucking wife. What kind of ingrate human being are you?

LARRY: Oh, you know what? Go fuck yourself. i hope you’re up here for another three weeks.

You coldhearted, COVIDcarrying cocksucker!

LARRY: Hey, let’s go watch the game.

(SIGHS)

Yeah.

LARRY: Drove by Ollie and Al’s. A is still up.

You’re kidding.

LARRY: (CHUCKLES) No.

Where does that guy get off?

LARRY: I’m gonna talk to him about it.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

You have bad foot. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. This no smooth ride.

LARRY: Oh, please.

Herkyjerky.

LARRY: Oh, my God.

When we see Bruce today, I want photo.

LARRY: Yeah, great. Yeah, I don’t even know how we’re even getting in, okay?

I masseuse. Masseuse always get in.

LARRY: Oh. Yeah.

FANS: Bruce!

LARRY: Um. Oh, jeez. Uh-oh.

FEMALE FAN 1: Get well soon!

FANS: Bruce!

♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

FEMALE FAN 1: We love you!

FANS: Bruce!

FEMALE FAN 1: We miss you!

FANS: Bruce!

MALE FAN: Asbury Park rules!

LARRY: Um, all right, I gotta pull over.

CHUNHUA: Why stop here?

LARRY: You’re gonna have to drive.

FANS: Bruce!

We’re sending our love!

FANS: Bruce!

MALE FAN: Feel better, please.

FEMALE FAN 1: We need you back on tour, man!

FANS: Bruce!

LARRY: I still don’t get how you’re gonna get in here. It’s impossible.

CHUNHUA: Leave it to me.

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

FEMALE FAN 2: We’re praying for you!

MAN: (OVER INTERCOM) Hello?

Massage!

MAN: Excuse me!

Massage!

MAN: I’m sorry, uh, we did not order a massage.

Somebody in this house order massage. Open gate.

MAN: No, no one in this house ordered a massage.

You order massage. 362 Bristol. Open gate or I leave, and you pay me.

MAN: Uh… Okay, come on in.

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

LARRY: Unbelievable. (LAUGHS)

FANS: Bruce!

Larry. Larry.

LARRY: Yeah.

CHUNHUA: Where Bruce?

LARRY: One second. Follow me.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

MALE FAN: Whoo! Springsteen!

A house divided against itself cannot stand.

(COUGHS)

LARRY: Ah.

(COUGHS)

LARRY: Hey.

(COUGHS)

(GASPS) Bruce!

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

What the fuck?

LARRY: Hey.

LARRY: Hey, man.

Larry.

LARRY: Yeah.

What are you doing in my backyard, and how did you get in here?

LARRY: Oh, I laid down on the floor of the car. She said she was your masseuse. They let her in.

What?

LARRY: By the way, there’s a lot of people out there.

Yeah, because they think I’m dying from the COVID I caught from you. Mr. ThreeCard Monte with the glasses. That’s where it happened.

Hey, I’m almost 99.9 percent sure that was my glass, Bruce.

I lost my sense of smell.

LARRY: I’m so sorry. There’s nothing to smell. Everything stinks. It doesn’t matter.

(SIGHS) Fuck.

LARRY: You’re better off. Hey, what are you watching?

BRUCE: Uh, Young Mr. Lincoln.

LARRY: Lincoln in Illinois?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

LARRY: I love that movie. (IMITATES RAYMOND MASSEY) A house divided against itself cannot stand.

That’s a good Massey. Now get the fuck out, please.

LARRY: Okay. Hey, um, do you remember Chunhua?

(GASPS) Bruce. I love you, Bruce.

LARRY: She didn’t get a chance to talk to you last time. She– You know, she’s a big fan. She just want one– Just–

One photo.

I’m sick as a fucking dog. It’s not really the best time.

LARRY: It’ll just take one second.

One photo.

LARRY: It’ll take one second.

What?

CHUNHUA: Thank you.

LARRY: There you go.

Wha– Larry (COUGHS)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

LARRY: Okay. There you go.

Show me. Show me.

LARRY: Okay, man.

BRUCE: (COUGHS) Jesus Christ.

No, Bruce, only me and reflection.

LARRY: What am I supposed to do?

CHUNHUA: Take photo!

LARRY: This is the last one!

Larry, Larry…

Take photo, you dumb, bald man.

…take the fucking photo!

LARRY: I took it! I took it!

CHUNHUA: Photo, Larry.

Larry, what are you doing?

LARRY: Oh. Yeah.

You guys can’t be here. He doesn’t feel well.

LARRY: Yeah.

I’m sick.

Yeah. You gotta get out of here.

I’m sorry about this. I totally had a hunch that this was not a good idea…

LARRY: Yeah, you know, you had a hunch.

…that you meet Bruce.

LARRY: That’s not a hunch. I think you want all the credit for being right without doing any of the work.

If you had a hunch, you should’ve said something.

LARRY: There you go. There you go.

Yeah.

You need to get out of here, Larry.

LARRY: (IMITATES RAYMOND MASSEY) All right. We’ll take our leave now.

Come on. Come on. Please, no photos. Yeah.

Ah, Jesus Christ.

LARRY: Steven, may I add…

Let’s go.

LARRY: …we’re very honored and appreciative of the time we got to spend here.

KEN: Yep. Let’s go.

LARRY: Mary, why do you constantly insult me in front of my friends?

♪ (MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(COUGHS)

RAYMOND MASSEY: (OVER TV) Would we not rather say the remedy is in our hands?

Fucking Larry. (BLOWS NOSE)

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

LARRY: Do you You got what you needed, right?

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Oh, my God, it’s Larry David!

You gave Bruce COVID, you psycho!

(FANS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

LARRY: No, no! No, no, no! I didn’t give him COVID!

You ruined the tour. I had front row seats.

LARRY: No, no, no, no, no, no!

It was my last chance to see him.

LARRY: He gave me COVID! Holy shit!

Drive! Drive!

LARRY: No, no, no! Hey, hey!

Go, go, go!

LARRY: Oh, my God.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

LES: Did Patricia Heaton get a little hands? Well, that is a tale for my next book, because that’s a wrap!

LARRY: What a piece of shit.

Now you gotta call that motherfucker.

What’s up, fellas? Keeping it light today.

LARRY: Lorenzo. I saw what you did. I saw you change the sign from a C to an A. So, I’m not about to eat food from your restaurant.

That C was undeserved.

LARRY: Oh, really? How so?

One of my guys had sex with a waitress on the floor. Health department found out, and then, boom, we got a C. Doesn’t even make any sense. Why have sex with anybody on a floor? There’s plenty of places to have sex. I have a couch in my office.

LARRY: Maybe he just knows that women don’t wanna hang out on the floor and… and that he can have sex and then just get dressed and, uh, go about his business.

You know, I considered that, and that pisses me off more than this fucking C. What kind of asshole doesn’t want to cuddle after sex? That’s what separates us from animals. We’re not two badgers fucking in the woods. We are people who love one another. Woman just gives herself to you like that, and you’re not gonna spend a little time thanking her? And the fact that he couldn’t throw an arm around her, talk about the rest of her fucking day. What’s she gonna do? Where’s she gonna go? It just takes one minute of common fucking courtesy. There’s never an excuse not to cuddle. That guy is a straight up sick fuck.

LARRY: Well, you know… (CLEARS THROAT) …we don’t know anything about this guy. Maybe he’s just a nice guy in a hurry.

No. He is a dirty floor fucker who doesn’t deserve to live amongst us. You know what? This is all on me.

LARRY: Really?

The place is clean. We deserve an A.

LARRY: I’d like to meet this guy.

(LEON SIGHS)

LARRY: We got something in common.

LEON: You do.

LARRY: I could probably be friends with this guy. I only did it in my house. He’s doing it in restaurants.

Yeah.

LARRY: It’s sad to think that there might be a guy out there who has sex on the floor…

LEON: Yeah.

LARRY: …and I’m never gonna meet him.

Yeah, that’s deep shit right there.

LARRY: All right. (SIGHS) Let’s go.

Wait. What the fuck is happening here? You read the book. You know what time it is now? You gotta call this motherfucker.

LARRY: Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. One second.

LEON: You gotta do that shit right now? Every moment counts. You gonna put that shit off again, and this motherfucker’s walking around, spreading Rona.

LARRY: Ah. Okay. Got it.

LEON: There you go. See? Now call that sorryass English motherfucker and let him know he got the Rona.

Namaste, sister. Thank you.

(CHUCKLES) Mahmoud! Lovely to see you again.

Wonderful to see you too, brother.

Bye-bye, phone. See you in a week.

Hmm.

(LES CHUCKLES) Here you are, everybody!

(PASSENGERS CHEER)

LES: Hey, hey, hey! How is everyone?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

LES: Fantastic to see you. I didn’t sleep last night. I was so excited. There you are. Give me a kiss. Come close.

WOMAN 1: Big hugs.

LES: I was hoping you’d be here. My brother tells me you’re pregnant again.

WOMAN 2: Twins.

Let’s do this.

MAN: All right, Les.

Now, everyone, I want you to take a cleansing breath before we take off. (INHALES DEEPLY)

(ALL YELL)

Great. Right, let’s go. Let’s not be fucking late.

♪ (“CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM” THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪