Curb Your Enthusiasm – S12E05 – Fish Stuck | Transcript

After an incident at temple, Larry asks friends to vouch for his character while also trying to help name a baby and worrying about a fish.
Curb Your Enthusiasm - S12E05 - Fish Stuck

Original air date: March 3, 2024

After an incident at temple, Larry asks friends to vouch for his character while also trying to help name a baby and worrying about a fish.

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LARRY DAVID: So, I needed a new lawyer, and Susie was going on and on about what a great lawyer you are. And then, the coup de grâce, she told me your last name.


LARRY: Mantle. Christopher Mantle.


Yeah. Yes.

LARRY: Oh, my God. I mean, Mickey Mantle, he was my idol growing up.

I don’t follow baseball, but I know who Mickey Mantle is.

LARRY: Oh, my God, it’s an amazing name.

Well, Susie’s great at connecting everybody. I love her. Oh, by the way, uh, she mentioned you might be going to the temple for the reopening of the plaza thing.

LARRY: Yeah, yeah. I’m being dragged there by this woman who I’m connected to somehow.

Yeah, I’m being dragged there too.

LARRY: Oh, you Really?

Yeah, my husband is Jewish.

LARRY: Oh, okay. We’re both being dragged.

We’re both being dragged. Yeah.

LARRY: Look at that.

Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, I familiarized myself with the case, like the rest of America, and listen to me, Larry. This is the most unconstitutional law that’s ever been passed. The law should be on trial, not you.

LARRY: Really?

So, I’m confident this will get cleared up quickly.


And I’ll file something by the end of the week, which is the cutoff date, to file a motion to dismiss. So, all will be taken care of. Yeah. You can rest easy.

LARRY: Oh, my God, that is music to my ears.

Yes. We’re gonna avoid a trial, and it’s gonna be… (WHISTLES) …tossed out.

LARRY: Mr. Mantle.


LARRY: All You You just hit a home run. You know?


LARRY: That’s fantastic.

Thanks. Yeah.

LARRY: So, the good news is, I can still parade around like I’m a hero of sorts without having to go to trial…


LARRY: …or prison, or anything.

That’s right. You will not have to go to trial. You will not be going to prison.


SECRETARY: Mr. Mantle, Denise on line one.

One second. Sorry.


Hello? Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, that’s great. Can you put that back, Larr? Can you put that back down? Yeah, it’s great. Thank you so much, Denise. Okay, bye. Sorry about that. That was my surrogate. My husband and I are having a baby.

LARRY: Ah, no kidding.


LARRY: Congratulations. Big news. That’s great.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah. We’re really excited.

LARRY: You like the surrogate?

I do. She’s really sweet.

LARRY: She took an IQ test?


LARRY: I mean, you don’t wanna get a moron, right?


LARRY: You’re sure she’s not a moron?

Yes. Thank you for your concern. Yeah.

LARRY: Let me ask you a question. How does it work with a with a gay couple? Who gets to choose the last name?

We, uh, had a discussion, and we chose my husband’s name.

LARRY: Oh. Which is?

Zeckelman. Yeah.

LARRY: (SCOFFS) You’re going with Zeckelman over Mantle?

Is something wrong with his last name?

LARRY: It’s not the greatest last name in the world, but Mantle is one of the great names.

Well, thank you. I–I personally think Zeckelman is also a great name. Is that okay?

LARRY: It’s okay. It’s not so great for the kid.

Why is it not great for the kid?

LARRY: I don’t know any Zeckelmans who hit 536 home runs.


LARRY: Okay. All right.

CHRISTOPHER: Okay. Nice to meet you, Larry.

LARRY: Okay. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too. I’ll see you at temple.

LARRY: Are you going with Zeckelman?

I’m going with… Zeckelman, yeah.

LARRY: Great. See you there.



FREDDY FUNKHOUSER: Let me tell you. I met the greatest girl. Her name is Jenna, and she’s pretty incredible. It’s been going on for a couple weeks.

LARRY: Really?

Yeah. She’s really funny. She’s smart. She knows music. She challenges me. Great conversationalist.

LARRY: What does she do?

She works for Disney. I think she’s an executive.


She’s always just talking about the film. She knows all the things that are coming out. I mean, she was talking about, like, the princess costumes and where they’re going and evolving. Just to be involved in steering the television and the films is a lot, but she’s gotta keep it in her mind, like, “How do I turn that into a ride?”

LARRY: That’s pretty impressive, yeah.

Super impressive.

LARRY: Honestly, I’ve never heard you talk like this.

Well, I’ve never felt this way before.

LARRY: Wow. Sports. She into sports?

You know, it’s too soon. I haven’t gotten into sports yet.

LARRY: If you get sports here…



LARRY: …it’s too much.

If I get sports, you’re my best man.

Damn. If she working at Disney, next time you talk to her, ask her about that fineass Tinkerbell.

LARRY: You’re attracted to Tinkerbell?

Tinkerbell flies her little ass in there. She put her little booty out, with that little booty tooch. Mm. That little booty go out…

LARRY: Yeah.

…and bling!

LARRY: It speaks of a very unusual perversion. A man attracted to a thimblesized fairy.

Tinkerbell fine as fuck. Come on. I’ll put her in my motherfucking pocket. You hear me? And I’ll just walk around knowing she home. And she flies her little ass out there, give me a little kiss on the cheek and shit, and flies the fuck off.


Hey. That’s a niceass jacket you got, too.

Oh. Yeah. Thank you.

LEON: Looks good on you.

FREDDY: I really like it.

LEON: I love it.

FREDDY: You wouldn’t normally think suede would be nice. ‘Cause it’s a darker green. Isn’t it nice?

LARRY: Look at that fish. What’s up with that fish? Looks like it’s stuck.

Look at him struggle.

LARRY: Yeah, yeah.

His little nose is trapped in that filter.

LARRY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, excuse me.

Yes, sir?

LARRY: That fish, it looks like he’s stuck.

Oh, no, fish not stuck, fish sick.

LARRY: No, no, fish stuck.

No, this time of year is tough for fish, so fish gets sick easily. The filter is very warm, so it make him feel better. So, it’s okay. It’s normal.

LARRY: Seriously? Look at that. That fish is stuck.

WAITER: No. See, fish wiggle, it mean fish sneeze.

LARRY: Fish don’t sneeze. The fish didn’t sneeze.

No, fish sneeze.

This guy’s stuck.

Fish sick now.

LARRY: Fish stuck.

No, fish sick.

Well, he’s gonna get sick if he stays stuck.

Yeah. No, it’s okay.

Can someone go in the tank and unstuck?

Sir, it’s not necessary. Fish sick.

Okay, you’re out of your mind.

LEON: You know what? All this talk about fish, now I want fish. Give me the snapper off the menu.

Oh, fish delicious. Okay.

LEON: My man.

That’s a stuck fish.

LARRY: I can’t even eat. I feel so bad for that fish.

At least that motherfucker can’t drown.


CYRUS: Great meeting everybody. Keep coming back. It works if you work it.


IRMA KOSTROSKI: …when I’m not in control of myself, you know?


Hey, if it worked for you, then that’s all I care about.

IRMA: It’s a 12-step program.


(SCOFFS) You know, you’re not supposed to have these. These are for everybody.


They count it exactly.

LARRY: What, are you kidding?

He just took a donut ’cause…

LARRY: What? There’s tons of ’em.

Hey, Larry. Thanks for coming.

LARRY: Hey, Cyrus. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Hey, good to see ya.

LARRY: Tell ya what, you alcoholics, you know your way around a good donut.

I guess that’s true.

So, what are you?

I never thought about that.

LARRY: Are you addicted to these now?

Well, as you can tell.

Yeah. Yeah.


IRMA: You know, Richard Lewis is here. He spoke during the meeting. Well, he took over the meeting.

CYRUS: Well– It was a– It was a lot.

It was his turn to share.

‘Cause he shared and shared and shared.


You know, a lot of people find it funny, but he works so blue. I heard the word “hell” like…

LARRY: Oh. Oh, poor thing.

…three times.

(CLEARS THROAT) Listen, um, I…

Come on! Get Just ask him.

Well I–

He know He gets this all the time, trust me.

I feel stupid. I’m embarrassed.

That’s okay. Don’t be embarrassed.

LARRY: No, no, be embarrassed. Don’t ask.


LARRY: If you don’t have to, don’t.

Well, listen. My daughter, she wants to be a writer, and, uh… (CLEARS THROAT) I just wondered if you had anybody that maybe could read her stuff?

LARRY: Ah. Uh, I… (SIGHS) Um, yeah. I Let me think about it.

Really? Thank you so–

LARRY: Hey, what the hell are you doing, man? Hell away from me.

He hates being hugged.

LARRY: There’s no touching here. No touching.

CYRUS: Okay.

Remember to keep it simple, babe.

Really, I appreciate the compliment. You should’ve seen me today.

LARRY: You had a good meeting?

I got laughs– bigger than I’ve ever gotten before at a meeting.

LARRY: I thought you were supposed to share here. It sounds like you’re doing standup.

It’s not standup.

LARRY: Well, you’re talking like it’s standup.

Well, I mean, I can’t divorce my comic self. Part of me will always be a comedian and…

LARRY: Uhhuh.

…and a drunk. I wish you would come and see me sometime.

LARRY: You What?

Hey. Excuse me, Larry. You absolutely murdered it tonight.

Hey, man.

Big laughs.

RICHARD LEWIS: Come back next time. Terrific.

I’ll do new stuff. They love me.

LARRY: What is going on here? This doesn’t sound like an AA meeting. It

No, it is an

LARRY: It sounds like a concert.

I’m doing a service, but I– I want people to laugh and enjoy.

LARRY: Do you let anybody else talk?

Well, there was a sad old lady who opened for me, but she only did ten minutes.

LARRY: The only problem is you’re doing your act, but nobody’s drinking. Imagine if they were drinking.

If they were drinking…

LARRY: Yeah.

…the roof would be blown off. You know, forget about it.


But I don’t know how we can–

Excuse me. I’m sorry. That was just incredible.

I had to thank you.

A lot of laughs?

AA MEMBER: A lot of laughs.

RICHARD: Oh, wow.

The bartender from hell part, I was crying.

RICHARD: Did that work?

Yeah, it totally worked. Have a good night. Thank you.

Thanks for coming over. I’m here, like, twice a week.

Okay, good. Thanks.


LARRY: The bartender from hell.

Yeah. I mean, I do the “from hell” on occasion, but I’m workshopping a few other things. I’ll tell ya, another couple of meetings like this, I’ll have a special.

LARRY: You know what? That’s a fantastic idea.

For a session.

LARRY: The AA special.

This is the hook I’ve been looking for.

LARRY: This is it!

Why not talk about being sober but get a special with HBO?

LARRY: There you go.

RICHARD: Thank you. That’s why we’re best friends. The Drunk From Hell concert.

The outpouring of support from the community…

This whole complex was all landfill. This land.

Hors d’oeuvres?

LARRY: Eh, no, I don’t think so.

What is this?

LARRY: Really? You’re gonna eat that?

It’s meat.

I may go get something else, so I need to build a base with some rice.

LARRY: Yeah, go build your rice base.

You gonna be okay on your own?

LARRY: It’ll be tough, but yeah.

I’ll miss you. Stay right there.




LARRY: Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! How are ya?

Good to see ya. Larry, this is Jenna, who I told you so much about.

So nice to finally meet you.

LARRY: Nice to meet you. He… He talked. He did some talking.

Did he?

FREDDY: A little bit.

Well, uh, yeah.

LARRY: He did. I’m hearing talk–

You talked me?

LARRY: A lot of talk. You know what? It’s kind of fortuitous that I ran into you, because…


LARRY: All right, here we go, okay? First of all, I hate asking for favors almost as much as I hate doing favors. And so, I have a friend, his daughter wrote a script, and the guy asked me if I knew anybody who could read the script, and Freddy told me all about you, and would you mind reading it?

You want me to read the script?

LARRY: And listen. I’m sure you’re really busy and–

No, no! I would love to read the script.

LARRY: You’re kidding?

No, I’d be excited.

LARRY: Maybe if you had any notes, you know, feel free, you know.

Totally. Yes, yes. I–

LARRY: I’m sure she would love that.

No, I can give her notes.

LARRY: Where did you find her? Huh?


LARRY: Where’s the planet?

Did I oversell?

JENNA: Stop.

LARRY: Point to the planet.

There’s no more. There’s no more of ’em.

Stop. I’m blushing.


Yeah, I’ll get you guys set up.

We’ll set it up.

We gotta run along and meet a couple other people, but it was great to see you.

So nice to finally meet you.

LARRY: Good to see ya. Nice to meet you.


This is the guy?

Yes, that’s him.

Right here?

Yes. But we don’t have to, like, make a thing.

Just give me a second.

Hey. Larry? Abe Zeckelman.


You have a problem with the name of our child?

It’s I…

LARRY: I wouldn’t say it’s a problem.

Well, what is it?

LARRY: Well, I thought that given the choice of Mantle and Zeckelman, that Mantle was a better name.

Based on what exactly?

LARRY: Let’s be honest, it’s not a great name.

What’s wrong with it?

LARRY: Zeckelman? Come on.

You seem really worked up over my last name.

LARRY: If you think that’s a great name, then what’s a bad name?

Well, I’d rather have a bad last name than no last name.

LARRY: My name’s Larry. I don’t think it’s a great name. I’m honest about it. Would I rather be a Dash or a Dazzy or a Dan? You know.

Well, the good thing about an opinion is that you can keep it to yourself.

LARRY: But then everybody would walk around not saying anything. You’re not keeping this to yourself.

No, I couldn’t keep this to myself.

LARRY: Okay, well, I couldn’t keep that to myself.

It’s a deeply inappropriate conversation to be having.

LARRY: You know, just think about the playground. He’s in a unique situation.

What’s that supposed to mean?

What? Yeah.

LARRY: Well, you know, the, uh… the two dads.

Yeah, it’s not that unique of a situation.

LARRY: Maybe it’s not unique. Different.


Well, it’s…

LARRY: Slightly different?

Slightly different.

To us, it’s normal. Yeah.

LARRY: Yeah. No, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.


LARRY: Let me ask you this question. How did you decide on the last name anyway? I assume it’s your semen, right?

What did you just say?

No, we’re talking about semen now.

LARRY: I assume it’s your semen?


LARRY: ‘Cause that’s how you got Zeckelman?

We’re having this conversation?

LARRY: What? I mean, I’m just wondering how you got there.

It’s Yeah. It– It’s my semen.

If you must know, it’s his semen.

LARRY: It’s your semen?

What’s the problem with that?

LARRY: I mean, you would think that… you know, the… the donor would… would get the name.

Well, we had a conversation at home about it.

Because it’s a private thing.

LARRY: By the way, I don’t know if you’ve chosen a first name, but if you need any help, I’m your guy.

Are ya?

‘Cause you got two first names.

LARRY: I’m How ’bout this? Off the top of my head, Ziggy. Ziggy Zeckelman. Hey.

You think Ziggy Zeckelman is a great name?

LARRY: I do. Scooter Zeckelman?

They’re all good names. We’ll put ’em both in the hat.

We’re not putting that in the hat.

LARRY: How ’bout Foots?

Foot Zeckelman?

LARRY: Foots.

Is our family a joke to you, Larry?

LARRY: No! Zeckelman needs a cool first name!

I think I’ve had enough of this conversation.


Uh. Great to meet you, Larry.

LARRY: Doc. Doc Zeckelman.

Doc Zeckelman is a joke.


I’m gonna go get some food.


LARRY: Ace Zeckelman? That’s not a great name?

We’re gonna talk about it at home.

LARRY: Dewey, Duncan, Deegan. Deegan. After the Major Deegan Expressway.

We got plenty of options.

LARRY: I’m giving you gold here.

Uh, the last–


One second. Um, thank you.



Don’t bother.

I gotta go. Babe, come on. Come back.




LARRY: Excuse me. Rabbi Adelman? Can I talk to you for a second?

Excuse me.

LARRY: Yeah. Sorry to interrupt.

Hey. I’m glad you’re here today.

LARRY: Who’s in charge of the bricks?

I am.

LARRY: You are?


LARRY: You know there’s a brick that says, “Larry David is disrespectful to women.” You allowed that to be up there?

We don’t really edit the bricks. The donor gets to express what thoughts and feelings they have.

LARRY: Oh, so anybody can write anything they want on a brick?

Well, we would not like hate speech.

LARRY: Well, what is that?

That’s hate speech. I think it’s strong dislike speech.

LARRY: Okay, I want that taken down.

We only add bricks. We don’t take them away.

LARRY: Oh, you don’t remove bricks? That brick is gonna be up there forever.


LARRY: Let me ask you a question. There’s nothing in the Old Testament about defamatory bricks? You think if Isaac chiseled something defamatory about Jedediah, you think it wouldn’t be taken down?

There’s nothing in the Torah about defamatory bricks.

LARRY: You know what this is, Rabbi?


LARRY: This is a shanda.

Will you excuse me?

LARRY: Certainly. (SCOFFS)

Larry? Oh, my God! This is crazy.

LARRY: Look at this! Hey.

Hi, again.

LARRY: Again.

SIENNA MILLER: What a treat.

LARRY: Usually, most people you don’t really wanna run into either, but I’m not minding this at all.

Me neither. Likewise.

LARRY: Yeah. So, what are you doing here?

I’m actually in the process of converting. To Judaism. Yeah.

LARRY: What? What?

That’s my rabbi and this is

LARRY: Get the hell out of here. What?

I’m Yeah. I know.

LARRY: You’re joining the team?

SIENNA: I am. I am.

LARRY: We are so happy to have you.


LARRY: Are you prepared to complain a lot?

Please, I can kvetch with the best of them. Come on.

LARRY: Wow. Very impressive.


LARRY: I’d be remiss if I didn’t ask. Why?

I like the whole thing. I like the food and the community, and truth be told, you know, I like the men. Aside from the obvious, you know, reasons.

LARRY: What, uh… These obvious reasons escape me. What are they?


Can’t deal with the alternative.


(LAUGHS) Yeah. It’s so good to see you.

LARRY: Very good to see you, too.

I have one question for you.

LARRY: Sure.

What is this wall?

LARRY: Oh! This is, um– It It’s a It’s, uh, for tennis. They put the winners of the tournament up.

You guys do a temple tennis tournament? They have a temple tourn– I am obsessed with tennis.

LARRY: No, yeah, I know, but it’s just a wall, and– Yeah, you should enter the tournament next year.

The temple has They have a temple tournament?

LARRY: The temple tournament, yeah.

Mixed doubles? Come on. Yes.

LARRY: Mixed doubles, yeah.

Amazing. How’s everything? How’s the whole court case? How’s everything working out?

LARRY: It’s scary, yeah. It’s a frightening prospect. I mean, I could plead guilty and just get off but…

Oh, my… Oh, my God.

LARRY: …I’m not gonna do that.


LARRY: And I don’t think it’s a big deal.

That’s so sweet. Um, listen, I’m having a dinner party next week. I don’t know if you’re around, but I would… I’d love you to come.


SIENNA: Really. There are so many people that would love to meet you and talk to you, and I would love to see you again. So, maybe? Next week sometime? If you’re here. It would be an honor for all of us. What do you say?


LARRY: Ah. I don’t think I can… make it.

Okay. Well, let’s just hope we can run into each other again.

LARRY: Yeah, hope so.

Yeah. I gotta schmeitz. But, um…

LARRY: You what?


LARRY: What’s that one?

Gotta go. (CHUCKLES)

LARRY: Oh, yeah.

SIENNA: It’s Yiddish.

LARRY: That’s a new one to me.

Yeah, well, there you go.


JENNA: I’m running a little late, so you can just drop me off, right here would be perfect.

FREDDY: Are you sure?

JENNA: Yeah, yeah. I work right there.

FREDDY: All right. I don’t mind taking you a little further if it’s…

No, this is great. I work right there.

You mean Do you work above the Disney store?

They have a office or something?

No, I work at the Disney store.

So, you’re managing, uh, the different stores or–

Oh, God no. No.

FREDDY: Accounting?

That’s I don’t have the head for numbers.

I’m so sorry. What I’m What do you do here?

I’m a greeter, and I talk to the guests. I put on a costume, like, a princess, like… (IMITATES CHARACTERS) …Snow White or Elsa or Ariel or Lilo or Stitch. My favorite is Mickey’s favorite. (IMITATES MINNIE MOUSE) Minnie Mouse.


It’s the best.

Yeah. And you do all of that…

Right there.

At the Disney store?


You know what would be so helpful with that, is the “store” part.

JENNA: Yeah, I’m like, (IMITATES DISNEY PRINCESS) “Hello. Come in. The most magical store in the mall.”

You don’t have any managerial or developmental role at Disney at all? That’s a–

No. I mean, I’m a senior character.

What’s a junior character?

I would say, like, mm, Doc McStuffins. (LAUGHS)


But listen, I gotta go. I had so much fun last night.

Sure. It was a great evening. Bye-bye. Okay.

I’ll see you later. Bye.





All right. Save it for in there.

I will.

Don’t drain the tank with me.


LARRY: How did you not know that?

How would I know? We’re talking about movies and music, and she tells me she works for Disney.

LARRY: You never asked her about her job? What about Disney? What department?

Okay, Larry. She lives in Glendale. I just assumed she’s like, you know, animation or something. She’s right I didn’t know she was working at the fucking Americana. I mean, I feel like I’ve been living a lie, I gotta be honest. I mean, I had this whole great thing in my head that I was excited about, and now I just feel crushed.

LARRY: Well, you had somebody who’s accomplished. She had a status, and the status is gone. So, what is that saying about you?

The thing is, is you’re right. It does say something about me.

LARRY: The problem is this makes you reflect on who you are, because she’s the same person.

I mean, she has the same great stories. It’s the same sense of humor. It’s the same likes and dislikes, but it just it feels so different.

LARRY: I think there’s a lesson to be learned here. Questions. Women like questions. When you have a date with someone, you go out, you’ve gotta ask a ton of questions. Otherwise, they’re going back to their friends, and you know what they’re saying? “He didn’t ask me one question.” They love questions.

What would you do? Honestly.

LARRY: I’m so superficial, I’d probably break up.

You would? Right away?

LARRY: Yeah. I’m not I’m not gonna date Minnie Mouse.

I think the thing I gotta do is at least kind of try. You know, spend some time with her and bridge the gap.

LARRY: Oh, my God.

What is it?

LARRY: I gave her a script to read. She said she’d be happy to!

Well, why didn’t you ask her what kind of development she did?

LARRY: Why is she taking a script?

Are you gonna listen to the notes?

LARRY: Oh, yeah, I’m gonna listen to the notes from Minnie Mouse!

The callback to the Corona ad on the beach? So, so good. I loved that part.

You liked Okay. Okay. Thank God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

Honestly, Dana, it’s really refreshing to see a comedic, apocalyptic show.

So you’re buying the whole premise?

Oh, I’m Totally.

You believe it? That’s great.

‘Cause it is out there.

And when it comes to questions, one last thing.




I didn’t understand…

DANA: You didn’t understand?

Yeah, I didn’t I didn’t–

Like, what she wanted?


No, I struggled with that.

She’s a little one-dimensional right now.

I had more in there.

You did?

Her backstory, what she went to school for, all that stuff, and I took it out last minute.

I think you should put it back.

That’s so easy. I can do that.

Yeah, and, um, does it feel long?

Yes, and I almost trimmed it.

It does feel long.

Yes, I almost trimmed it.


I’m so embarrassed. I know. I just need to tighten it up.

No, don’t be!

Dana, I think you have such a good script here.

Thank you so much.

You’re getting me so excited, and I just wanna thank you for letting me read it.

Are you kidding me? Thank you for reading it.

No, seriously.

And if there’s anything else you want me to read…

Are you serious?

Of course.

I’m so excited for you and your future.

Oh, my God, oh, my God. We’re coming out with a new line of Little Mermaid sleepwear, and I get a discount, so if you text me your sizes, I can hook you up.


LARRY: Hey, you want some of this?

You wash your hands?


Yeah. ‘Cause you’re making it for yourself, so you’re doing all this stuff like a third base coach. No.

What you guys talking about?

Hey, hey! Look at this. I come bearing gifts.

Oh, shit, man. Don’t do this.

What do we think it is?

Oh. Are you kidding me?



You said you liked it, so I’m giving it to you.

LEON: I did say that.

Come on, do us the honors.

Oh, I’ma put this shit on, man.

That’s something.


Looking sharp.

LARRY: Holy cow.

I think it looks incredible.

LARRY: Anybody wanna get Chinese food for lunch today?

LEON: Nah. Fuck that.

I unfortunately can’t ’cause I gotta see Minnie Mouse. You know, I’m gonna have a better attitude about it. She’s the same person, right?

LARRY: Same person.

I got a date, I’m gonna keep it, and I’m gonna make it work.

LARRY: Okay.

Thank you for everything.

LARRY: Sure.

Appreciate it too, man.

I appreciate you.

Appreciate you, Secret Santa.

LARRY: Jesus, that’s amazing he gave you that jacket. That was so nice.

Know what it is?

It’s the “I like it” gambit. All you gotta do is compliment people on what the fuck they’re wearing, next thing you know, they gonna give you one.

LARRY: (CHUCKLES) You know what? It’s not a bad idea.

It’s a fucking great idea. Shit, man.

LARRY: I’ll bet that works like 50 percent of the time.

Wish I had a suede dorag to go with this motherfucker.

LARRY: Mmhmm. Yeah.

That’d be nice.

Put that bitch on.


And I just tell ’em, “I like that bullshit you got on.” You know?


You know what? Fuck you, Larry.


LEON: Fuck you, Larry!

CHERYL DAVID: So, what’s going on?

LARRY: You know, not that much. What is, uh What is this material? What do you call this material?


LARRY: You think this is cotton?

Why are you here?

LARRY: Um, well, it’s very simple, really.


LARRY: Um, so they renovated the temple, and they have this plaza, and they were selling these bricks for charity. And Hobie Turner wrote something very defamatory about me, and it’s there for everyone to see. It says, “Larry David is disrespectful to women.” Come on, Cheryl. I’m not disrespect– I love women. Who loves women more than me? I love having sex with them. I love talking to them. I’m a champion of women.

Being a champion to women is saying you love–

LARRY: Well, I’m attracted to women. I like them.

Okay. There’s a difference. Okay.

LARRY: So, I’d like to refute his brick by having somebody who I know write something nice about me.

On the brick?

LARRY: Yes. “I was married to Larry David for many years, and he’s a veritable champion of women.” Something like that, right next to it. They’ll read his first. They’ll read yours second. You buy a brick.


I don’t think so.

LARRY: Why not?

Eh, it doesn’t feel right.

LARRY: What? What’s not right?

Because it sounds bullshitty.

LARRY: Okay, well, you don’t have to say that exactly. You can say anything. Say something nice. Can you You think you could come up with something nice?

TED DANSON: Hey, Cheryl?

I mean…



Hi, Larry.


TED: Can we run lines when he goes?

Well, Larry has a defamatory brick, and he wants me to buy more bricks.

LARRY: Yeah, somebody wrote a defamatory brick about me. It says, “Larry David is disrespectful to women.”

Ouch, ouch.

LARRY: Terrible, terrible thing to say. And I love women, Ted.

Well, he loves having sex with women, and he thinks that that proves that he respects women.

LARRY: Well, that, and there are other things, too.

Larry, completely understand. The deal is we already bought a brick.

Oh. Yeah.

Right? Didn’t we?

We already bought a brick.

LARRY: You already bought a brick? You didn’t even know what I was talking about when I brought up the brick.

You probably told me and I forgot or something. I don’t know.

But I might I might– You know, maybe I forgot to tell you.

I’m sorry. But we did. We bought a brick.

Yeah. Ted does a lot of things. He does– He’s very charitable.

LARRY: You bought a brick, huh?


LARRY: What does your brick say, Ted?

Nothing. We left it blank.

LARRY: The brick says nothing?

TED: Yeah. You know, we’re raising money. We’re not trying to advertise.

LARRY: I don’t think you bought a brick. What do you think about that?

Yeah. Look, the point is we bought a fucking brick, Larry.

LARRY: Okay, I’ll tell you what. I’ll make it very easy for you. I’ll buy the brick. I’ll write something nice. All you gotta do is put your name on it.

I don’t feel comfortable.

LARRY: What? I mean, what if it just said, “I was married to Larry David, and he’s a decent guy”?

Who writes that on a brick?

Yeah. It’s dishonest.

LARRY: Well, then you write it.

Well, I don’t have anything to say on a brick.

Yeah. There you go.

LARRY: You can’t think of one nice thing to say about me on a brick?

No, not on a brick.

LARRY: All right, so just for argument’s sake, is there anything nice you could say about me that’s not on a brick?



Something on a cake. “Congratulations.” “Good job.”

“Happy birthday.”

“He’s a good golfer, sometimes.” You want some more tea?

Is that what you were coming in here for? Okay.

Yes, I’d love some more tea.

How much longer do you think you’ll be staying, Larry?

LARRY: I’m leaving right now.

I just need to learn these lines, that’s all.

LARRY: Nice pen.

Thank you.

LARRY: Good pen. Look at that pen. That’s some pen.

Thank you.

LARRY: Yeah, how do you get a pen like that?

Do you want the pen, Larry?

LARRY: Oh, I’m not gonna take your pen.

Take the pen.

LARRY: Really?

TED: Yes, take the pen.

LARRY: You’re giving me your pen?

Good luck with the brick.


LARRY: Okay. How’s this? “He’s an amiable fellow and a big supporter of Title Nine.”

Oh, bullshit.

LARRY: All right. “He’s an amiable fellow who’s attended two WNBA games.”

Is that true?


And besides, you never went to one of Sammy’s softball games. I invited you so many times.

LARRY: The kid couldn’t even lift up a pencil.

Oh, stop it. She’s very talented!

LARRY: All right, how ’bout this? “Any woman who Larry David impregnated, he not only paid for the abortion, but accompanied her to the procedure.” That’s true.

You’re wasting my time. Leave.

LARRY: You’re not gonna buy a brick?

Apparently not.






Hey, Larry. It’s Cyrus. Irma’s sponsor.

LARRY: Yeah, I know who you are.

Yeah, look, I just wanted to call you because my daughter met with that woman you recommended. Uh, Jenna.

LARRY: Yeah, look, um… (SIGHS) You gotta–

She was great. (CHUCKLES)

LARRY: What?

My daughter said she gave great notes. She made the script better. She was amazing.

LARRY: Seriously?

Yeah! I thought she wouldn’t even give her the time of day.

LARRY: Yeah, for a highpowered executive, she’s very down to Earth, isn’t she?

CYRUS: Yeah. Right? They even met at a coffee shop.

LARRY: I know. You’d think she’s just a regular person.

Anyway, Dana wanted to send her some flowers to her office at Disney. So, if you could shoot me her address.

LARRY: Eh, you know, I don’t– I don’t think you need to do that.

Well, I live by the Americana in Glendale. I could just go over and get a gift card and send it over. How ’bout that?

LARRY: No, not necessary. I’ll just pass on, um, your enthusiasm.

IRMA: Larry!

CYRUS: Okay, well, you know best…

IRMA: Larry, where are my sleep brassieres?

LARRY: How the fuck do I know?

CYRUS: Seriously, I just wanna say, I owe you one. I really do. If there’s anything I can do for you…

IRMA: Larry!

LARRY: What?

CYRUS: So, uh…

IRMA: Never mind. They were in the hamper. They’re not that dirty.

CYRUS: Anything you need from me, you just say the word, okay?

LARRY: You know, um… now that you mention it, there actually is something you can do.

Yeah, say the word.


LARRY: According to your timeline, I have eight weeks left with Irma. I’m wondering if there’s any possible way that we can move that up.

Wait. You’re saying you want to break up with her early?

LARRY: Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.

Is there any reason?

LARRY: Yeah, I hate her. That’s the reason. How’s that?

Look, I don’t know what to tell you.

LARRY: I’m struggling here, Cyrus, and Sienna Miller is interested in me.


LARRY: I’m not joking.

CYRUS: Really?

LARRY: She is. When is this gonna happen again? Never. So, come on. G… Help a brother out. Is there anything we can do?

CYRUS: Larry, I appreciate everything you’ve done for us, but a breakup would just set her back, and I can’t allow that to happen.

LARRY: Is that better than murder? Who benefits from murder? She’s dead and I’m in prison.

Larry, I think you’re saying a lot of things you don’t mean right now.

LARRY: No, no, I mean it. Come on. There’s gotta be a way.

If she were to break up with you, I guess that would be okay.

LARRY: Her idea?

Then that would give her the power, give her her own agency.

LARRY: Oh, yeah. Like it’s gonna be her idea. On what planet? That’s never gonna happen.

I’m sorry. But thank you.

IRMA: Larry, where are my bunion splints?

Today was amazing, though. ‘Cause you know Penny? She’s normally a chipmunk, Chip or Dale, and she’s in, like, what we call fur all the time.


JENNA: She got to be Tinkerbell this week, and it was unbelievable, and we were so happy for her. And she was so good with the kids. And she was just having the best time ever, because she’s never a face character. I mean, she’s a little tall to be a pixie, but she was incredible. And they had a Peter Pan.


JENNA: Ian was being Peter Pan that day, and the chemistry was…


WAITER: Welcome back, sir.

LARRY: Thank you. I’d like a table for two by the aquarium.

That table is reserved.


But we have nice table over here by window.

LARRY: Oh, it’s reserved?


LARRY: Okay, we’ll go over there.

Okay. You follow me, sir. This way.

LARRY: All right. Okay.



WAITER: Sir. Sir. Sir, can I help you? Excuse me, sir.


Your table that way.

LARRY: Yeah, what happened to the orange fish that was stuck?

Fish sad, so we changed new location. Change of scenery make much happy fish.

LARRY: So, you moved the fish?

Yes. Fish living best life in downtown. Very happy there.

LARRY: That was so nice of you.

You can go visit your new friend, orange fish.

LARRY: I can handle the death of the fish. Just tell me.

Fish fine. Fish thriving.

LARRY: No, no, fish stuck. Fish dead.

No. Fish sick. Fish gone.

LARRY: Stuck. Dead.

Sick, gone! Sick, gone!

LARRY: Stuck, dead! Stuck, dead!

Fish not your problem anymore.

LARRY: I will not forget fish.

Okay, I bring your table some water.

How’s your fish?

LARRY: Fish dead.

Listen to me. You should’ve heard Irma today at the AA meeting. You would’ve been blown away. She shared for a half hour.

LARRY: Well, what did she say?

I– First of all, I would never tell you. In AA, there’s principles, there’s guidelines.

LARRY: So, any wino in Santa Monica can hear what she’s saying, but I can’t?

AA is private, man. That’s it.

LARRY: I’m not gonna tell anybody.

I just won’t do it.

LARRY: But we’re good friends. We tell each other everything.

I’m not telling you.

LARRY: So, you’re not gonna tell me?


LARRY: Hmm. Suppose I put you in my will?

Her first husband, horrible accident, and she was with him 24/7, like a caregiver.

LARRY: Was he in a wheelchair?


LARRY: Diapers?

He had diapers everywhere. He was like a fucking mummy. He lost some of his toes. His spine was sticking out.

LARRY: Oh, my God.

RICHARD: He couldn’t move. He couldn’t walk. And she started to drink more and more, and then she became an alcoholic over this. And then one day she woke up, she went, “You know, this is not the way I envisioned my life.” So, she just left the guy high and dry.

LARRY: ‘Cause she didn’t want to take care of him?

Yeah, ’cause she wanted to think about her own life.

LARRY: Selfish. That’s her husband.

She never wanted to see him again.

LARRY: It was the diapers.

She said she wasn’t proud of it, but if the situation happened again, she would do the same thing. She would still split. You know, she knows what she wants in life. Let me ask you something. How much were you thinking about leaving me?

LARRY: Oh. No, nothing. Yeah.


LARRY: It was a trick to get you to talk about it, which you did.

In three minutes, I lost all that money?

LARRY: You shouldn’t have told me. That’s all it took to get it out of you, your solemn AA oath? They should kick you out of there.

I have weaknesses.

LARRY: I got a good mind to squeal on you.

Now, let’s eat.




Um, hey, Larry. Sor Uh… (CLEARS THROAT)

LARRY: Oh, my God. What… What’s going on here?

I was, uh, working late last night. I–I got kicked out of my house, so…

LARRY: You got kicked out of your house?

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, yeah. Come on in. Um, did we have a meeting or something?

LARRY: Why’d you get kicked out? What happened?

Well, quite frankly, you know, you stuck this thing in my head about naming babies, and we got in a big fight, and things were thrown, and you got in the middle of everything, and now, you know, we don’t know what we’re gonna name the baby.

LARRY: Oh, so it’s my fault.

Larry, you planted this thing in our head, and then you brought up semen. Like, that’s none of your business about I– what I do with my own semen.

LARRY: Oh, are you telling me that if it’s your semen, you shouldn’t have the right to name the baby?

Yeah, but it’s my business.

LARRY: It’s your semen.

I don’t tell you what to do with your semen.

LARRY: Well, what am I gonna do with semen?

A normal man knows what to do with semen.

LARRY: I do normal things with semen. I wipe it up and throw it away. What else could you do with semen?

Well, you could impregnate somebody else and have a baby.

LARRY: Okay. If I did do that and my partner’s name was Papalopadopalous, I would use David as the last name.

Okay, and you know what? That would be your prerogative. And I wouldn’t come to you and say you should name it this or that and start naming your baby.

LARRY: Yes. Yes, but you knew deep down that I was right.

CHRISTOPHER: No, I didn’t.

LARRY: And that’s why you brought it up. That’s why you had a fight. That’s why you got kicked out. Isn’t that so?

Larry, you’re out of order. Let me name my own baby with my husband. End of story.

LARRY: To tell you the truth, I’m kind of surprised you’re sloughing off the blame on me.

And I’m equally surprised you won’t accept the blame.

LARRY: I think I’m way more surprised than you…


LARRY: …about the sloughing of the blame.

And I’m really wildly surprised that you aren’t accepting.

LARRY: I am so incredulous that you think I am more to blame than you.

What are you doing here, Larr?

LARRY: Can I sue a temple?

For what?

LARRY: There’s a defamatory brick at that temple. Did–

Oh, yeah. I saw that. Yeah.

LARRY: You saw that? What was your reaction when you saw that?

It’s fine. They can do anything they want. It’s freedom of religion.

LARRY: Freedom of religion?

CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, they’re protected by

LARRY: You just go around calling people assholes, and you put it on a temple? That’s not slander?

Anything else I can help you with?

LARRY: Hmm. How’d the, uh, the filing go? Are we good?


LARRY: Oh, God.


LARRY: Oh, my God.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

LARRY: Oh, God. No, no. Don’t Don’t even say it. Don’t tell me. No.

I forgot to file it.

LARRY: You forgot to file it?

Yeah, I forgot to file it.

LARRY: How could you forget to file it?

I forgot to file it because of the shit you put me through, Larry!

LARRY: Oh, it’s my fault?


LARRY: It’s my fault you forgot to file?

CHRISTOPHER: Yes! And if you accepted it, then this wouldn’t have happened. Why did you get involved in my stuff?

LARRY: Well, can you file it now?

No, I can’t file it now. It’s past the deadline.

LARRY: It’s past the deadline?

It’s past the deadline. I missed it. Look, it’s going to trial.

LARRY: I can go to jail for a year!

You’re not gonna go to jail. We’re gonna win the trial. I’m confident we’re going to win. Don’t worry about a thing, okay? I’m gonna make this a priority.

LARRY: I know you don’t wanna hear it, but I have to say it anyway.

What is it?

LARRY: I think a great compromise… is Ziggy Zeckelman.

Can you leave, please?

LARRY: I could so live with Zeckelman with a Ziggy.

Listen to me for once. Do you wanna win this trial?


Stop naming my baby.

LARRY: Okay. And you didn’t like Foots? Got it.


Tell me you got something good.

LARRY: Oh, I got the goods.


LARRY: Oh, yeah. Got something that’s gonna get us out of this mess that we’re both in.

All right, I’m all ears.

LARRY: Oh, by the way, the fish is dead. FYI.


LARRY: Yeah.

You know, in a weird way… (SCOFFS) …I kind of feel like me and you are that little fish. We just wanna swim and enjoy our day, but we’re stuck in that filter.

LARRY: That’s true.


LARRY: We’re like the fish.


LARRY: We’re stuck fish.

Squirming, screaming for help, but trapped.

LARRY: Not sick.


LARRY: Stuck.

Just stuck.

LARRY: Oh, my God.

But if you stay stuck too long, you’re gonna get sick, and then you’re gonna die. I mean, maybe in some small way, the… the fish lives on through us being free.

LARRY: Guess what?


LARRY: We’re getting out of that filter.


LARRY: Are you ready?

Can you make us unstuck?

LARRY: Oh, yeah. So, here’s the deal.



LARRY: (SIGHS) I’ve got something to tell you.

I got something that I gotta tell you.

What, Freddy?

LARRY: It’s medical.

It’s a medical thing and it’s getting worse. Don’t do that.

JENNA: Freddy, your hand.

LARRY: It’s called, uh, Groat’s disease.

I have Groat’s disease.

LARRY: It affects the nervous system and eventually I become incontinent, and you can’t even sit.


The shaking is the tip of the iceberg.

LARRY: I have to sleep on my knees, and I need 24-hour care. And you’ll have to hold my penis when I pee.

Ay, gevalt.


Okay. (SIGHS) I– I– I just can’t. The stents and the shunts and the ports, and I hear the word “hospice,” I

LARRY: Yuck.

I– I can’t.

LARRY: I’m distraught but I understand.

I’m so glad you do. I just I just

LARRY: Go live your beautiful life.

Thank you. I can’t. I just couldn’t do it again, you know?

LARRY: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, okay.


LARRY: So, take off. Okay. Yeah, you should go. Yeah.

IRMA: Okay. Okay.

LARRY: Oh, you know what?


LARRY: I really like that scarf.

IRMA: What, this?

Yeah, it’s got a button, and it heats up, right? It keeps your neck warm.

You like it?

LARRY: Yeah, it’s nice.

You Listen. Please, take it. Please, it’s the–

LARRY: Oh, please, no.

No, please. It’s the lea–

LARRY: Come on.

You gotta charge it, but it’s the least–

LARRY: What? Really?

Yes. It’s the least I can do.

LARRY: Oh, my gosh. Oh, what a wonderful thing.

Look, you press the little button there. Yeah, that’s gonna comfort you.


Keep your thyroid warm, and… Oh, I feel so bad, but, uh… Okay. Oh, anal leak.

LARRY: Okay, so go. Yeah, so you go.

I can’t do it.

LARRY: Yeah, all right, go. No, don’t. Don’t.

I’m sorry. It’s latex gloves. It’s secretions. It’s anal leakage.

LARRY: Yeah, go, go. Yeah, just go.

You’re better off without me. I– I’m sorry, I–

LARRY: Yeah, get the hell outta here.

IRMA: It’s gonna be hard.

Not great, what’s gonna happen.

LARRY: Go, go, go! Go! Please, go! Please, go! Go! Go. Going. Going! Gone!



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(IMITATING CINDERELLA) Hello there. Welcome to the most magical store at the mall. Goodbye. They can’t order you to stop dreaming. Thank you. Oh, hello, princess.

Hi, sweetheart. Do you have the, um, Mickey Mouse oven gloves that you put your hands in the mitts, and then he’s got his little hands on the–

I’m not sure.

IRMA: Yeah.

Do you want me to check?

Yeah, that’d be good. I just left mine at my boyfriend’s house. We just broke up, and I don’t wanna go back there.

Oh. I’m so sorry to hear that.


Well, it seems we’re both the same. My happily ever after has ended, too.

IRMA: Ugh. Sucks, right?

It’s awful.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, mine was sick.

Well, my Prince Charming was sick. What a small world.

Yeah. It’s a small world, you know.


I don’t wanna go through the thing with the degenerative disease he had.

I didn’t wanna stay by. I’m too young to deal with all that.

It’s a terrible thing, this Groat’s disease.

(NORMAL VOICE) Wait, what? Did you say Groat’s disease?

Yeah. You know this?

That’s what my boyfriend, Freddy, that’s what he has. Groat’s disease.

IRMA: What? Freddy?


Freddy who?

Freddy Funkhouser.

Larry David.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Can we get some lunch, please?

Ooh, yes. I want a sandwich or something.

Hell yeah.

IRMA: This is bad.

They lied to us.

Oh, my God.


Oh, hey. Dana. (IMITATES CINDERELLA) Hello.

You work at the Disney store?

Yeah, I work here.

(SCOFFS) Then why did you give me notes on my script?

‘Cause Larry David asked me to.

I used them. I got kicked out of my writers’ group.


Larry David.

Larry fucking David.

Those fucking pricks.





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