Bob’s Burgers – S14E12 – Jade in the Shade | Transcript

Linda and Louise stumble into a treasure-hunting adventure on a tour of the town's bootlegging history; Bob, Tina and Gene play host to a group of street performers looking to settle a beef.
Bob's Burgers - S14E12 - Jade in the Shade

Original air date: March 10, 2024

During a historical tour, Louise and Linda learn of the Jade Jellyfish, a lost treasure hidden somewhere in Wonder Wharf by legendary smuggler Slippery Sam a hundred years ago. Louise notices that certain clues refer to the secret Fischoeder clubhouse under the wharf that only the Belchers know about. She convinces Linda to help her find it, who doesn’t believe it is true, but wishes to spend time with Louise and support her ambitions. Sneaking below the wharf, Louise’s suspicions are proven correct when she successfully manages, despite some danger, to find the statue in a hidden wall panel. However, they are intercepted by Mr. Fischoeder, who confiscates it, as it was hidden on his property. He later informs them that the appraisal determined that the statue was only made of cheap dyed quartz, which he sold for $100. He gives Louise a portion for finding it, which she proudly displays above her bed commemorating her first treasure-finding.

Meanwhile, Bob, Gene, Teddy, and Tina are asked to judge which impressive street performer deserves the spot previously occupied by a now-deceased performer. They are ultimately moved by the final performer, a man who humbly plays PVC pipes as an instrument, but he opts to split the space with the other three.

* * *

♪ ♪

[Louise] yes, yes, yes! Oh, my god,

Oh, my god, oh, my god, it’s gonna be so great.

And I thought Gene was excited

About pancakes.


Louise: Oh, pancakes schmancakes.

Both: Hey.

We’re going on the bootlegger tour today.

Yeah, we are. You and me.

Two tickets to the tour at the hotel down the street.

[whoops] history.

Seriously, Louise? Learning stuff?

On a Saturday? You’ve changed, man.

Yeah, history? More like hisborey.

’cause it’s boring? High five?

It’s bootleggers, you fools.

Bootleggers and smugglers used to hang out at that hotel.

At that hotel. What were they doing in there?

Whatever they wanted.

Selling their illegal goods and illegal booze.

It was just like a badass farmers market.

Don’t say “badass.”




Okay, fine.

It’s nice that they gave us

Free tickets just ’cause we’re a local business.

More places should do that. But not us.

I don’t want to give anything away.

Well, I’m excited, too.

Mom and Louise day, having a bootlegging time.

Oh, should we wear boots?

Or leggings, or both? Or dress as flappers?

Call ourselves the bootlegging flappy bappies? Huh?

[Louise] eh.

I’ll keep thinking.

Who wants to see my flappy bappies?


Hey, Harold and Edith.

You here for the tour?

No, we’re popping in here for some afternoon delight.

Yes, we’re here for the tour.


[Manager] Hello, and welcome

To our new dishin’ about prohibition tour.

Let me take you all the way back to… Oh, hello there.

Ugh. Logan?




[both retching]

Okay, hey, let’s get started.

Can we? Let me take you all the way back to the Jazz Age, when flappers were flappenin’ and illegal hooch was happenin’.

And the hats? Don’t get me started on the hats.

Tell us about the hats.

It’s just, people had amazing hats.

Whoa, look out the window. That’s balloon lady.

Mom hasn’t been gone 20 minutes

And dad already has a wandering eye.

No, Gene. Balloon lady.

One of the sidewalk performers from down by the wharf.

She’s a baluminary.

[Gene] Oh, yeah.

[Gene] Wait, is that the bubble master?

Yes, it is.

Holy crap. Two heavyweights.

[Gene] And Doug the juggler?

Are you kidding me?

[Tina] and, also,

A guy with a bunch of dirty pipes.

Oh, my god, they’re coming in.

Okay, we’re all here.

And pipe guy, for some reason.

I overheard you guys when I was lurking near you.

Now, how do we decide who gets Giovanni’s spot?

We fight? I’m up for fighting.

Um, what’s going on?

Giovanni died.

Oh, no.

Is that the guy who tap-danced on a piece of wood?

Yeah, I guess you could say he, uh, tapped out.

And he had the best spot on front street.

Right by the entrance to the wharf.

So now we’re trying to decide who gets his spot.

And I think it should be me.

Oh, please, bubble boy.

I’m making a balloon sword.

Let’s all make weapons.

That’s cute.

I juggle real swords.


Uh, would any of you like to order something before you swordfight?

Ah, fine.



Are those leaking something?

Uh, probably.


[Manager] So here we have

An ordinary bookcase. Just your regular old… Wuhoh!


Or is it a secret entrance

To the hotel’s old speakeasy?

It is. Go on in!

From 1920 to 1933,

This was a well-hidden haven for drinking gin and doing sins.

After prohibition, it became a very inconvenient storage room,

But now it’s a bar again.

Go ahead, look around.


We have way too few secret rooms at our restaurant.

You’ve mentioned that.

[Manager] [oldtimey voice] Look out, the cops are coming!

Harold, hold my stash.


[regular voice] If law enforcement showed up,

The doorman would warn the naughty patrons inside here

Through this simple hose with a little bell thingy

At the end of it that looks like a flower.


And then the bartender could talk back through it.

[oldtimey voice] “Thanks for the warning, buddy.”

[regular voice] and everyone could escape

Through a secret tunnel behind the bar

That led to the pier.


That same tunnel

Was also used by the bootleggers

To sneak booze and other smuggled items into the hotel.

It was just a really great tunnel.

Is the tunnel still here?

Uh, sadly, no.

No, the whole thing was filled in by the city in 1953.

No sense of fun, those city people.

But everything else here is still intact,

So you can have a look around, and then

I’ll take you to room 111, where the notorious smuggler Slippery Sam always stayed,

And where he was eventually betrayed.

You can react. You could gasp or “ooh,”

Or somethin’ like

[all oohing]


Thank you, that’s great.

[Teddy] They’re having a sitdown in your restaurant?

That’s a big deal. I don’t think anyone’s

Ever seen them all in one place.

Like the Beatles.

Well, I get the biggest crowds.

Ha! Maybe 15 years ago.

Bubbles are over. Can you make a bald eagle out of a bubble?

I don’t think so.

Bubbles will never be over.

Bubbles are forever.

Bubbles, balloons, you both blow. Get it?

I found these pipes in a dumpster by a grocery store.

Look, this isn’t getting us anywhere.

There is only one thing left to do: Let the street decide.

Uh, w–what does that mean?

We perform and the winner is chosen by the audience.

Wow. Uh, when are you gonna do that?

And–and where?

Right here, right now.

[all gasp]

wait, what?

They mean us. We would decide.


I think I’m gonna throw up.

Well, that’s the least fun

Street performance.

So, this is the room 111,

Where slippery Sam would always stay.

But they could have called him “suspicious of everyone” Sam, because he made modifications to the room

Unbeknownst to management

In order to hide his stolen goods from his fellow thieves and ne’erdowells.

Just an ordinary bedpost, right?

[all oohing]

And did you notice the antique outlets?


[all oohing]

but the hiding spot

For his most famous hidden loot has never been found.

Why not?

I was getting to that.


In 1932,

Sam checked into the hotel hoping to find a fence for the jade jellyfish.

A dazzling piece of home decor that was estimated to be worth

Around $40,000 at that time, which today would be the equivalent of over $700,000.

[all oohing]

holy crap!

The jade jellyfish

Was stolen from its original owner,

A New York collector named Carlyle Linus,

And hidden somewhere in or around the hotel

While a sale was arranged.

Slippery Sam had more than his share of enemies,

So not only did he hide the jellyfish,

He also left behind a letter for his girlfriend Mimi Molero,

In case anything should happen to him.

But it would turn out to be Mimi herself

Who would betray Slippery Sam.

[gasps] Mimi.

Yes. On October 15th, 1932, Mimi was arrested for running an unlicensed casino on a converted barge out in the bay.

She called it the S.S. Perfectly legal, but it certainly was not.

To avoid jail time, she sang like a canary

About her notorious boyfriend,

Giving the gmen enough dirt to put Sam away

For the rest of his life.

Which wasn’t long, because he died in a shootout

In this very hotel

When they tried to take him into custody.


See? That’s why you don’t need

A girlfriend, logan.


Now, Sam’s letter to Mimi was discovered in the bedpost years later.

A cryptic clue from a dead smuggler to a femme fatale.

“our green friend” clearly, the jellyfish

“has made a home 20 paces west of Poseidon.”

Nearly everyone agrees that “Poseidon,” Greek god of the sea, means the hiding spot

Was 20 paces from the ocean,

And this almost certainly refers to some nook

In the now filledin bootleggers’ tunnel

Which ran under front street.

If only he used the hotel safe, right?

[soft laughter]

yeah, that was funny.

Now, if you’ll follow me back to our speakeasy/VIP lounge,

You can enjoy a complementary rumrunner’s blind blackout

Which I believe is apple juice or Peruse our updated cocktail list and light appetizer menu.

[edith] Is there a discount?

[manager] There is not, but

[edith] I’ll take the juice.

[manager] All right.

Let’s not stay. I don’t want to stay.

Also, I have to pee. Let’s go.

Bye. Bye. So sorry we couldn’t chat.


[Linda] Oh, there you are.

Do you want to split this tomato feta thing with me?

[whispering] Mom. Sorry. Listen.

Ow, ow.


We know something

About the jade jellyfish that the manager doesn’t.

That no one else knows.

Wewe do?



“Poseidon” doesn’t mean the sea.

It’s got to be the Poseidon statue near the ride.

In Fischoeder’s secret clubhouse under the pier.

The statue where you pinch his nipples?

Yes. We can go there and maybe find the jade jellyfish.

Find it? II don’t know.

Please? I need you.

We’re the bootlegging flappy bappies.

We are? You and me? Flappy bappies?

Flappin’ together, bappin’ forever?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So?

[whispers] Okay, okay, let’s do it.

Let’s go find the jolly jellyfish.

[Louise] jade.

[Linda] Yeah.


Okay, ready.

You sure you don’t have to tinkledinkle?

Ugh, yes. But, hey, mom, want to make $700,000?

Ugh, you sound just like your father.

I am not selling vitamins to my friends.

No, mom. [indistinct whispering]

And then… [indistinct whispering]

Did you brush your teeth today?

Mom! No.

So, yeah, we’re gonna go find Slippery Sam’s jellyfish

In the underpier.

[bob] Linda, what are you talking about?

[whispering] Louise thinks she can find

This smuggler’s jellyfish thingy

They told us about on the tour.


I know, I’m sure it’s long gone by now,

But Bob, we’re doing a thing together.

She wants to do it with me.

We don’t have a lot of things like that,

And this one I didn’t have to force at all.

Remember when I tried to make her watch

Knots landing reruns with me?

Mom. Come on.

[regular volume] Okay.

Okay, see you soon, bye.

All right, come on. Here we go.

Damn it. Who locks the door

To a secret underground clubhouse?

Nofun poopheads, that’s who.

Hey, you want to go get a hot dog or ice cream?

Yes, that’s it. Ice cream.


Oh, great.

I’m hungry.

No, that’s another way

To get into the underpier.


Let’s go.

Ah… Ow!

It’s a little cold for ice cream.

I don’t think

They’re getting ice cream.

But if they are, I want some.

Ah, not before you’ve had some growing food.

Don’t say “growing food.” ugh!



Uh, can I get a sample of the double-fudge nut blast?

Mom. Oh, my gosh.


The weirdest thing we just saw

Mr. Fischoeder, your boss, right?


He’s over on the wonder wheel

Throwing paper airplanes made out of ten-dollar bills.

Seriously? I love ten-dollar bills.

Be right back.

You’re a sneaky little

Slippery Sam, aren’t you?

I can be somewhat slippery.

Wow, look at that.

After you?

Wait, no, I lied. After me.

Yep, yep.

[Teddy] a Chinese dragon made out of balloons?

[Tina] How is anyone gonna top this?


Probably not.

[clears throat]


You guys like showstopping finales?

[Teddy] I do.

[Tina] Whoa.

Oh, my god.

Wow. That’s impressive.


You and I are gonna get married.


Who’s next?

Who’s next? This is the most amazing day of my life!

You know, it’s actually kind of fun down here

When no one’s chasing you and trying to murder you.

I guess most places are like that.

So, the secret clubhouse with the Poseidon statue

Will look just like a wall with some crap around it.

Oh, whoa, I tripped on a seahorse.

Aw, they’re cute. Except that one.

Mom, come on. We’re down here

To find the jade jellyfish, not to look at cute old things.

You’re right. Besides, I can look at cute old things

When we get home and see your father.

[laughs] good… That’s a good…

Know what? Stop getting distracted.

Right, right, right. Aw, dead pigeon.


Yep, yep, yep, yep.

[Tina] seems like one we could have done outside.

For those of us who have to mop

All this up later.

Tina, shh.

[Gene] Whoa.

He just made smoking cool again.


[both] wow.


He’s amazing.

I call it “reincarnation’s infinite spirit.”

Heh. Okay.

I do feel a little reincarnated.

Wait till I go.

Uh, excuse me, cancan I wash

My flip flops in your sink?

Uh, uh, uh…

I yeah, in the bathroom.

Oh, never mind. [snorting]

I’ve got more spit than I thought.



Ugh, why does this secret clubhouse

Have to be so damn secret?

Well, I think the important thing is

The bootlegging flappy bappies are having themselves

Quite an adventure.

Can’t we just be the bootleggers?

The bootlegging belchers?

No. Anyway, I’m glad we’re doing this,

No matter what happens.

Oh, my god.

The clubhouse. This is it. The hatch! We found it.


Let’s open this baby up.

Somehow, from the outside…

[both grunting]

[Logan] Mom, walk faster.

Dang it. Wait.

We’re gonna lose them, come on.

[shushes] Hold on.

[Cynthia] These are not good walking shoes…

Do you hear something?

What? What?

[Logan] You never bring good walking shoes.

I’m gonna buy you some comfortable flats.

Some sensible flats.

Oh, no.


Oh. Hey, Louise.

Hi, Linda.

Quick, let’s hit ’em over the head with something heavy.

No, never mind.

What? You can’t just take a great idea back like that.

I can’t believe you followed us here, Logan.

Wait, how did you know to follow us here?

Oh, just a little thing called hearing you talk

About finding the jade jellyfish

Through the secret pipes on the hotel tour thing.

Damn it. That’s so sneaky.

I have to respect it but I also don’t like you,

So I–I’m at a loss here.

You’ll also be at a loss when we find

The jellyfish before you.

Now, would you do me a favor and–and just tell me

Where this Poseidon ride is?

Uh, I mean, I think Poseidon rode, like, a seahorse?

So maybe that has something to do with it?

Seahorse, huh?

But, ugh. What am I saying?

Why am I telling you any of this?

Wait, what? Oh. Quiet, Louise.

Oh, Logan. What about the seahorses we saw back


It’s probably not even down here.

Let’s just go home and be the amount of rich we already are.

We’re leaving? Oh, thank god. I need a shower.

And you are definitely doing a tubby tonight.


A bath, a bath.


Good thinking, Louise.

You clever little cutie patootie.

Okay, come on.

Use that mom strength.

[both grunting]

Use your muscles, mom. Please. Come on.


whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute. 20 paces west.


The statue of Poseidon

Is right on the other side of this hatch,

Like, a few feet away.


So I’m realizing that based on what side of the country

We live on and how the ocean works,

20 paces west is that way.

Outside the hatch. We don’t have to open it.

Well, that’s good, ’cause that thing is not budging.

That wall looks like it’s about 20 paces away.

And it looks like it’s been around for at least 100 years.

It’s got to be in there.

Wait, in the wall?

Yeah, in the wall. Classic slippery sam.

Come on, come on, come on.

Um, Louise?

The boards are cracking.


But not in, like, too dangerous of a way.

Oh my god. I–I think these boards are rotten.

Come on, mom. You know how old boards are.

They crack. It’s part of their whole charm.

I–it’s just

look, we’ll just walk nice and easy, okay?

See? [vocalizing]

Okay, but one more crack and we’re out of here.


[board creaks]

That was more of a creak.

This is also very good.

[Teddy] Yeah. You think he just had all those things with him?

What? He did not just do that.

[muffled] mm, I did do it. Yeah, I did. I did it.

At any moment, he could have cut himself with the sword,

Taken a bite of the lightbulb, dropped the apple

On the ground, and then it’s all dirty.

[Tina] damn.


I think I’m gonna faint.

And that is why I deserve Giovanni’s spot.

And they do not.


Are you gonna finish that apple

And/or can I play around with your sword?

Sure, whatever. Here, catch.




20 paces from which seahorse?

[groans] I guess I’ll have to do all of them.

You seem cranky. Are you hungry?

I brought raisins.


Okay, maybe a handful.

Louise, I really want you to come back.

In a minute. I’m just gonna try this way.

Louise. I’d come grab you,

But I’m too heavy and I’m afraid we’d both fall through.

So please walk your little feet back towards me,

Slowly and carefully, but also somehow quickly.

I am walking back toward you, but I got to go the long way,

Toward the wall, which coincidentally

Is where the jellyfish is, which is unrelated.

I’m just walking back towards you the long way, okay?

Uh oh.



Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Oh, no.

We were so close.

Okay, minor setback. Let’s think.

Louise! We are not gonna find the jellyfish!


I’m sorry, sweetie. I just

There’s just no way it’s still down here.

What do you mean? The letter said

It’s been 100 years.

Things get bashed around and filled in and washed away.

It’s just how it is with things. I can barely find

My car keys when I need ’em.

So this whole time,

You never thought we’d find the jellyfish?

I mean… Eh…

Then w–what are we doing down here?

Aw, honey. Having fun, right?

The bootlegging flappy bappies?

No. No. No bootlegging flappy bappies.

You’ve just been lying to me this whole time.

I’m sorry.

You’re a bootlegging flappy liar!

Louise, no. Ugh, another dead pigeon.

I can’t believe this whole time you were just

Playing pretend with me.

Like I’m a child.

I mean, you are a child.

I’m not a child. I’m nine.

Listen, it’s been so great spending the day with you,

Seeing you so excited. When you have kids,

You’ll see how happy it makes you to see your kids happy.

We were doing it together, you and me.

We had a thing, something we could share.

Until it almost got you killed.

I just…

I know it’s there, mom. I know it.

Huh. You really believe that, don’t you?

Yes. I do.


Okay? Like, okay okay?

Yes. [groans]


Damn your sweet little face full of hope.

If you really believe it, then…

I’m gonna believe it, too. Maybe. Sort of.

But if you die, you and I are going to have

Big problems, lady. Big problems.

Okay, yeah.

All right, I think I have an idea.

I’m a little terrified about what this is gonna be.

What is dripping out of those pipes?

Let’s call it water.


♪ ♪


Oh, my god.

I’m crying, I’m crying.

So he wins?


Yeah. Giovanni’s spot is all yours, pipe guy.

You beautiful freak.

Thank you all. But, honestly, we should share it.


Yeah, what?

Then what the hell was all of this?

Tina, calm down.

I really just want Thursday mornings and Sunday afternoons.

You sure you want to do that?

It’s what Giovanni would have wanted.

And I should know. He was my dad.

He was?


Okay, probably not.

But let’s just share the spot.

I’ve written out a schedule for you.

It’sit’s on a pipe, but still.

Seems fair.

Works for me.

Yeah, I can work with this.

Wow, great. Now, uh, now that that’s settled,

Can, uh, can I bring you guys some lunch?

You guys want to split a burger?

All right.



So one burger, split four ways?

Well, there’s four of us.

I’ll split it. I got the sword.

Maybe five ways? I would have some.

This was a great idea, mom.

[groans] I hate this idea.

Leaving is a good idea, but we’re doing this.

Yep. Yep we are.

[groans] Can’t I be the one to go out on the board?

Uh, no, you weigh more than me, remember?

Stupid adult body.

[groans, moans]

Okay, yeah, just checking the panels.

How long are we gonna do this? Like, like, five more seconds?

Where are you?



Ha! I mean, shh.

Mom. Mom! Look.


Holy crap.

[laughs] Ooh! Shh. Shh.

Keep it down. Mom, keep it down, but look.

Okay, okay, time to come back. Come, come, come, come.

I knew it. I knew it. I was right and you were wrong.

You thought I was just a child.

Uhhuh. Okay, okay. You were right.

Oh, my gosh.

You were right. Let, let’s just not

Fall into the ocean and drown to death.

You were like, “oh, I’ll just pretend around her,”

But it’s real.


Will you ever doubt me again?

No, no, no.

Eh, I don’t know, maybe.

It’s amazing.

Put it under your coat.

Oh, ooh.

Oop, oof. Ooh, it’s squishing my boob.

Dang it. Where is it? [groans]

You know, we could probably find

Some bootlegger treasure on eBay.

You think so?

I’m gonna say yes.

More raisins?

Thanks, mom.

All right, all we got to do now is get past the ice cream kid.

Follow my lead, and we’ll be jade in the shade.

[fischoeder] hello.

[both] aah!

You, uh, take any good bootlegger tours lately?

Hmm. I–I don’t think so.

Heh. Yeah, I–I hate tours.

You weren’t scurrying around under there

Looking for my jade jellyfish, were you?

Your jade jellyfish? That belonged to Slippery Sam.

Um, if it–it would if it–if it was still there, or if I you know, I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

As owner of this property, you should understand,

If it were there, it would belong to me.

Unrelated: Have you got something under your coat?

Her boobs?

Three of them?

Don’t judge.

Come on, give it. Give it here.

Sorry, hon.


Oh, you’re gonna make Fischy so much money.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Well, it’s worth nothing.

Wait, what?

Yes, I had the jade jellyfish appraised.

And, oddly enough, it’s not made out of jade.


does it even have jelly in it?

The dyed quartz jellyfish would be a more accurate name.


There was a lot of that going around

Back in the jade craze days.

But I sold it to that rube manager at the hotel

For him to use as part of his tour.

After some fierce negotiating, we settled on $100.

And since you found it, I’m giving you half.

Yes! I get 50 bucks.

Minus expenses.


I had to invest in locks for the hatches

To the underpier, thank you very much.

And I had to get a fun keychain for the keys.

Look, it’s a little palm tree. Don’t touch it.

Anyway, I deducted those costs, and this is for you.


Okey dokey.

It’s something.

Now, be a lamb and stop trespassing

On my property, okay?

[Gene] No!


Mom, we’re pretty good at this.

You know what I’m thinking? You, me, lost city of Atlantis.

I bet it’s in Atlanta. Has anyone looked there?

I don’t know. Maybe? When’s your spring break?

Or maybe just find some more, uh, you know,

Walking distance treasures, closer to…

Don’t be jealous.

So Louise, what are you gonna spend your money on?

I think I know what I’m gonna do with it.

♪ ♪

♪ flappy bappies ♪

♪ flappy bappies, flappy bappies ♪

♪ flappy bappies ♪

♪ flappy bappies, flappy bappies ♪

♪ bootlegging flappy bappies ♪

♪ ah… ♪

♪ flappin’ together ♪

♪ bappin’ forever ♪

♪ flappy bappies ♪

♪ flappy bappies, flappy bappies ♪

♪ flappy bappies ♪

♪ flappy bappies, flappy bappies ♪

♪ bootlegging flappy ba… ♪


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