Original air date: October 29, 2023
Gene tries to lucid dream so he can remember the perfect song he wrote in his sleep; Louise and Tina try to catch a cricket that’s keeping Linda up at night with its chirping.
* * *
♪ ♪
[Gene groaning]
[Humming]
[Gasps]
Good morning, family.
Someone’s in a good mood. Gene, you got a real spring in your sneaker.
And a stench in his bench.
Thank you. So, you know how I signed up for the ultimate online songwriting showdown?
Online songwriting contest. That’s probably how the beatles got started.
Mmhmm. Well, last night in my dream, I wrote the perfect song from beginning to end, and I’m gonna submit it.
Wow. Really?
Yeah. Turns out my subconscious is super helpful. And I’m assuming also super tan.
That’s great. How does the song go?
Yeah. Give us a taste.
[Vocalizing]
Uh… Oh, my god, I can’t remember! Wait. [Vocalizes] No, that’s not it. Shoot.
Didn’t you have that other song you were working on? The one about zebras wearing bras or something?
“Brazebras”? Ah, I don’t like that one anymore. It’s too mainstream.
You also had that one about what it would be like if tater tots had legs.
Oh, yeah, so provocative. No, I want to submit the song I wrote in my dream. It was amazing, but… [Grunts] What was it? I can’t remember.
Well, what was the rest of your dream about? Maybe if you walk yourself through it, you’ll get your song back?
Okay. I was on a bus with a few other people. It was the kind of bus with a bathroom on it.
[Linda] Ooh, fancy.
[Gene] and it was sort of, like, a boat bus. It was driving on top of the ocean. And it docked at this cool little island, and there was a beach volleyball game going on and suddenly I was in the game. And I was not good at it, but I think I showed a lot of hustle. And then I saw a robot, but it was also ms. Merkin, somehow.
[Louise] makes sense.
[Gene] and then robot ms. Merkin points to, like, a lighthouse-type thing and tells me to go to the top. And then I climb this big staircase. And then, when I get to the top, I see my keyboard, but it’s bigger and sparkly. And then I sit down and I write the best song I’ve ever written in my entire life. And… [Groans] aah! I can’t remember it!
There’s always tater tots with legs.
“Hot tot to trot” isn’t good enough. I want them to hear my song and say, “wow, this song will probably save the world someday by stopping all the wars and curing all diseases. Even the common cold. And most of lupus.”
Totally reasonable expectation.
Come on, Gene, think. Stop looking at me, eggs. I’ll get to you in a minute.
Well, honey, I’m sorry you forgot your song, but I’m glad you got some sleep last night. ‘Cause I sure didn’t.
The cricket?
Yeah, the cricket.
I put my pillow over my head.
Did you kids hear it?
No.
Maybe.
Sometimes.
The damn thing is hiding somewhere in our apartment. You’re quiet now, cricket, but I know what you’re planning. You’re gonna sneak out later and chirp all night.
I kind of like it. But it doesn’t wake me up, so, yeah.
Mom, are you sure you’re not just hearing your nose whistle?
That’s going on at the same time. It’s a different pitch.
Cricket, if you’re listening to me right now, you’re not cute, you’re not cool and you don’t have any friends here, so you should just leave.
But still believe in yourself.
[Gene] Ugh. What was the song? Was it something about the world, maybe? Or… Roller blades? Aah! Brain, why are you keeping this song from me? I thought we were bros.
Brains, right? Wait, what are we talking about?
I’m trying to remember the song I wrote in my dream last night and I can’t, and it’s the worst thing to happen to anyone ever.
You also said that when mac and cheese Monday moved to Wednesday.
Ah, I still don’t know what they were thinking.
Gene, maybe there’s a way to have the same dream again? Like, what if tonight you do all the exact same stuff you did yesterday before bed?
Interesting.
Some things you did last night I don’t ever want to smell again. Maybe don’t redo that.
Whatever it takes.
I once dreamt I was wearing flip-flops, and I never wear flip flops.
Wow. You are wild in your dreams.
I know. I couldn’t get back to sleep after.
[Cricket chirping]
Ugh, damn cricket.
You keep saying that. Maybe you could just think it next time?
Gene, explain to me again why you wanted last night’s lasagna.
I told you, I need to recreate exactly what I did last night so I can have the same exact dream and remember the amazing song I wrote.
Is that does that work?
Well, that’s what Rudy said. If you have any other ideas, father, feel free to share them.
I… I will.
Finished. Now, I’m gonna change into last night’s pajamas aka my only pajamas, and brush my teeth with Tina’s toothbrush because that’s what I accidentally did last night.
Wait, what?
Good night, everyone.
It’s 7:00 p.m., Gene.
I need all the time I can get. This is a real “you don’t snooze, you lose” situation.
[Cricket chirps]
There’s the cricket again. You hear him, right?
[Louise] a little.
I kind of hear something. I guess I’m glad my ears are old.
Ugh. I would pay a million dollars for someone to find that cricket and get it out of here.
Really? Tina and I could find that cricket for you.
We could?
Yeah.
But not kill it, right?
No, no. We’ll trap it, give it a new name, new identity, a fresh start somewhere else. So, is a million, like, a jumping-off point and we negotiate from there?
If this is for real, I’ll give you a dollar.
Twenty dollars.
Ten, because I’m desperate. And you’ll split it. That’s my final offer.
Deal.
Yay.
Flipping my blanket over so the tag tickles my face and annoys me, just like last night. And knocking over my water glass with just a little water in it and cleaning it up with the underwear on the floor. And now I’ll climb into bed. Come on, Gene, fall asleep. Fall asleep, fall asleep, fall asleep. How is this not working? Fall asleep, fall asleep.
[Two hours later]
Fall asleep. Fall asleep. Fall asleep.
Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mmm.
No. Not salami. Song.
Salami. Salami. Salami. Salami.
[Yawns] it’s morning? No!
Mr. Ambrose, where would I find a book about dreams?
Why are you looking for that?
Because I wrote the perfect song in my dream and I can’t remember any of it.
Well, we don’t have anything like that, sir.
[Whispers] Meet me in periodicals.
Lucid dreaming.
What?
Lucid dreaming is having control over your dreams and what happens in them.
You can do that?
[Whispers] Follow me to the reference section.
Yes, I can do that.
What do you lucid dream about?
I do revenge stuff on people who were mean to me in high school, some fantasy and science fiction, some adult stuff I can’t tell you about. It’s hard to have the exact same dream twice, but it’s doable.
So I could learn how to lucid dream, too?
You could.
[Whispers] Come with me to the classics.
Why do we have to have this meeting in so many different spots? Are we trying to shake a tail or something?
No, I just have to reshelve all these books.
Oh. So, is there a book about lucid dreaming?
No, because we don’t have any good books.
Internet?
Internet.
Can I use a computer?
The computers here? Sure, if you want to get hand, foot, and mouth disease.
Worth it. I’m gonna lucid dream my way to a grammy. Or at least to the top of the pops. Thank you, mr. Ambrose.
Shh! [Whispers] we never spoke.
Why is this stuff all over the hallway? Is this a new, terrible way of recycling?
These are cricket traps, dad. Really good ones.
Yeah, breadcrumbs and sugar covered with newspaper. It said online that crickets are attracted to the food but then they can’t get out from under the newspaper.
And also they have something to read while they wait for us to take them outside. Or, if the cricket prefers a nice bottle, it can try to get this food in here and then it gets trapped.
But why are there so many traps? It’s just one cricket.
Whatever it takes, bob. This cricket’s a psychopath and I want him out.
Yeah, dad, we put traps everywhere the hallway, kitchen, bedrooms, bathrooms this cricket’s messed with the wrong frickin’ cricket hunters!
Hell yeah.
Okay.
We’re pretty amped, we drank a lot of soda so we could use the bottles for traps.
Um, so there’s bread and sugar on the floor under these pieces of newspaper?
Yup.
So, we’re getting rid of the cricket but gaining a ton of ants?
Ants don’t make noise. I’m fine with ants.
Okay, ready for bed, and I’m off to lucid dream my way to songwriting success.
What about dinner?
Already had it. Mom made me the sleepy beepy special, a turkey sandwich, a big glass of warm milk. I did some winddown yoga, had my prebed pee and now I’m off to dreamsachusetts.
How do you control your dreams? I mean, I’m not not interested.
It’s a lot of waking yourself up and writing down what you just dreamt. I’m not exactly sure how it works.
I like everything except the waking yourself up and the writing stuff down parts.
Well, good night, family.
Good early evening.
And no more sounds whatsoever in the apartment. Thank you so much.
Got my notebook, got my pencil, now let’s get lucid gooseid.
[Groaning]
♪ ♪
[Gasps] It’s the boatbus from my dream. Wait! Wait for me, dreamy boatbus. I’m coming! Wait!
Oh, my god, oh, my god. It started to work. I wrote my dreams down in this notebook and then I started to lucid dream. I saw the boatbus from the dream where I wrote my song and I made myself chase after it. Mr. Ambrose is a genius.
Wow, that’s great, Gene.
Yeah, my little dream catcher.
Nothing. No crickets in any traps.
Don’t like hearing that.
No cricket yet, mother. Keep that $20 safe and warm.
Ten. I said ten.
Oh, I just assumed there’d be a gratuity or a performance bonus of some kind?
Ten.
Okay, okay, the contest deadline is the day after tomorrow. So, trying not to stress out, but that means I only have two nights to remember my song, or else I won’t have anything to submit.
Just to say, all the time and work you’re putting into remembering your dream, you probably could have written a new song by now.
Dad, I wrote the perfect song. If you made the perfect burger but you couldn’t remember it and your dad said, “Oh, just make another one,” what would you do? How mad would you be?
I wouldn’t be mad. I would think he’s pretty smart and that’s good advice.
If I win this contest and then I get a record deal, on the liner notes I’m gonna write, “No thanks to dad.”
That should be the name of your album.
Ooh.
[Bob grunts]
Hey, hey, hey. Hold that bus. Oh, my god. I’m controlling this. The bus is waiting for me. I’m on the bus. I’m on the bus. What? Airplane? No!
Peanuts or pretzels?
Ooh, pretzels, please.
Okay, back on the boatbus. And it’s still a boat bus. Going good.
♪ The wheels on the bus go round and round. ♪
Mom? You’re not supposed to be here.
Well, what about them?
♪ Round and round. ♪
Yes, the island. I made it to the island. Volleyball. [Grunts] Giant cricket? No.
[Groans]
[Cricket chirping]
Where is it coming from? There? Or there?
I can’t tell. It’s throwing its voice.
Wh–what’s going on? Why are you guys out here?
We were checking our traps and now we’re listening to the cricket mocking us, I assume.
You’re all up, too? Nobody can sleep ’cause of that damn cricket.
No, we’re checking traps.
Uh, I’m out here because I have to pee.
Oh, now I have to pee.
Me too. Kind of.
Well, now I have to go, too.
I call first.
Second.
Third.
Great. That’s great.
[Cricket chirps]
[Grunts]
Volleyball hit. Okay, that went over there. But this is good. Oh.
Go up to the tippy top of the lighthouse.
Okay, I will, robot ms. Merkin.
What?
What?
Darn it.
[Groans]
And I’m opening the lighthouse door… Yes, staircase. [Laughs] I’m so much better at climbing stairs in my dream than in real life. [Gasps] my keyboard. It’s so beautiful. Okay, here we go. Oh, my god. What? What’s happening? Don’t turn into mush, casio. That’s not good for music playing. [Groans] [whimpers] No! Ugh. Aah! Ugh, I’m so close. Why is my brain holding me back? Doesn’t it care about the ultimate online songwriting showdown?
[Cricket chirps]
I’m not talking to you, cricket!
Ugh. I lucid dreamed all the way back to where I played the song, but then nothing. I hit a brick wall, literally. I think at one point the keyboard turned into a brick wall.
Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie. Eat your eggs. I promise they won’t turn into bricks or flowers or whatever. I don’t think. It’s a new recipe.
The songwriting contest deadline is tomorrow at midnight. I need to get back into my dream asap. Can I skip school and go back to sleep?
No.
No.
Ugh. You people don’t get it. Your priorities are all out of whack.
Well, speaking of not getting it… Louise, Tina, you didn’t get the cricket. And I didn’t get any sleep.
I’m telling you, Lin, lay on your side, pillow over the ear. It’s like your head is in a sandwich and you won’t hear a thing.
I don’t want to live like that, Bob. Sleeping in a pillow sandwich. Sorry, girls, I think I got to call an exterminator.
[Louise] What?
[Tina] No.
Yep. Either that or we move.
Mom, give us one more chance. We’ll catch him.
Yeah.
This cricket he’s smart. Possibly brilliant. We underestimated him before but we won’t make that mistake again. I’m actually glad he’s so clever, so crafty. He’s raising our game.
He is? That’s nice.
Mom, obviously, we’ll have to charge more. This cricket is probably genetically engineered. Maybe he escaped from a lab. Anyway, should we say an extra ten bucks for hazard pay?
Same money. Catch it today or exterminator.
Fine. We’re gonna stick it to that cricket.
But not in a bad way. [Weak chuckle] We’re still friendly cricket hunters. Helpers, you might say.
It’s getting late. You–you guys should go to school.
You just want us to leave.
That’s partly true.
How am I supposed to go to school when my entire career in music is on the line?
Even successful musicians went to sixth grade, gene.
That’s a myth.
Mr. Ambrose.
It’s lunch. Why are you here? And don’t say you want to tell me your dream.
What I’d like to do is sing you my dream, but I can’t because I get all unlucidy. Something isn’t working and I don’t know what it is.
Listen, it takes practice. What do you want me to say?
Not that. I need to get to the end of the dream tonight.
Ugh. Please. Eating. Librarians need a lunch break, too, you know? [Whispers] or several lunch breaks. Don’t tell anyone.
[Gene] Ugh.
This might be an awkward time to ask, but you don’t happen to have any books about crickets, do you? Catching them, specifically?
Or driving them away, nicely.
Crickets?
Yes, please. Smart crickets. I don’t know if the section is divided that way, but this is a smart cricket we’re dealing with.
[Sighs] you, things take time. Try and relax.
I can’t relax.
Well, you have to!
That’s not relaxing to hear!
And you two insects and other invertebrates.
Don’t call us that.
Behind you. Next to reptiles.
Oh, yeah, there it is.
But which one do you think is the best–
I’m eating my lunch! Let me finish my ziti!
[Student] shh.
You don’t “shh!” I “shh!”
[Cricket chirps]
Um, why does the apartment smell weirdly good?
We’re smoking out the cricket, dad.
We did more research and found out that crickets hate the smell of lemons, cinnamon, and peppermint.
We didn’t have peppermint, so we’re using the breath mints from mom’s purse.
Well, I didn’t think there could be any more food on the floor, but I guess I was wrong to not think that.
Yes, you were. So, the cricket will get grossed out by mom’s mints…
Hey.
And come out of hiding, and then he’ll get seduced by one of our many traps.
Many, many traps.
I’m off to bed.
Yup, your new thing where you go to bed at dusk.
Uhhuh. The deadline for the contest is tomorrow, so no pressure. Just all riding on this.
You know, you’re putting a lot on this contest that you found on the internet.
A panel of industry experts are going to evaluate my work and tell me if I have “it” or not. I need to know. Also, it’s sponsored by that company that makes the water bottles with the shoulder straps.
Mmhmm. Yup.
[Grunts] Here we go.
[Chords playing]
Yes. It’s working.
[Vocalizes]
♪ Saturday is when the week is done ♪
♪ And you want to have some fun ♪
♪ Saturday is the day that comes before Sunday ♪
♪ But it’s still full of sun ♪
♪ And you heat your buns in the sun ♪
♪ You heat your buns ♪
♪ In the sun ♪
♪ You heat your buns in the ♪
♪ Suuuuuuuu ♪
♪ Un. ♪
That was good.
Yeah. Good.
Yeah.
Really?
Y–yes.
And it’s factual. Saturday does come before Sunday.
Yes, it does.
Mmhmm. Mm.
Yup, yup.
Oh, my god, my song stinks.
No…
My dream lied to me! This song isn’t good at all. Ugh! My subconscious is a total bhole!
[Groans] My so-called perfect song is awful.
It’s not bad. That much.
Yeah, I mean, it had a beat. I think.
It just has not-great lyrics and a not-great melody, but aside from that, it was pretty good.
Ugh. I’m just gonna email the contest and tell them I’m withdrawing because the song I wrote that I thought was amazing is actually terrible.
Do you need to email them?
I think they’ll want to know what’s going on with me.
Gene, you kind of wrote that song in your sleep.
Yes. Your point?
Well, a lot of times, if something comes too easily, it’s usually not as good as you think it might be.
[Groans]
[Bob] Uh, I’m just saying, in my experience, to make something great, you have to work at it.
How do you know? Oh, right, the burger thing you do.
Yeah. I mean, you know, on a good day.
[Sighs] I think I’m just gonna go to my room and moan in private.
Aw.
[Moans]
Do you want your keyboard?
[Grunts] Okay. At least you aren’t covered in sparkles and lies.
Aw.
So, little cricket update.
You mean the cricket that the exterminator’s coming tomorrow to get rid of?
No, the cricket that we’re closing in on and we guarantee will be trapped tonight because we have this.
The most beautiful cricket anyone’s ever seen.
Mr. Chirpy sees her, falls in love, jumps in the bottle.
Kisses it and probably assumes it’s gonna come to life.
Or, if she’s not his type, she also makes a great best friend. She’s a good listener.
This plan can’t possibly work.
You would say that if you weren’t as desperate as we are. And maybe nobody’s been stupid enough to try this.
Until us.
Good luck. She’s pretty but she also looks dumb.
Why, ’cause her eyes are crossed? That was an accident.
♪ ♪
[Gene] ♪ I chased after a dream ♪
♪ It all seemed so simple ♪
♪ But get close to a star ♪
♪ And you can’t see it twinkle ♪
♪ Some dreams are you wanting ♪
♪ But not doing ♪
♪ Or making ♪
♪ The feeling is haunting ♪
♪ But remember ♪
♪ When waking ♪
♪ Chase the dream in real life ♪
♪ Don’t go back to sleep ♪
♪ The dream’s ♪
♪ Like a nightlight ♪
♪ It’s only there to help you see ♪
♪ Or for when you have to pee… ♪
Lookee, lookee, we caught a crickee.
I can’t believe it. You did it.
So the girl cricket worked?
Eh, in a way. We caught him in a different trap, but we’d like to think that she gave him a little FoMO.
And we did put her in with him now and, I don’t know, it seems like maybe there’s some chemistry.
Look at you, you little menace. I’d ask you what you have to say for yourself, but I don’t want to hear another peep from you, ever.
All right, mom. Time to settle the bill.
You earned it. Here you go, five dollars each. Now, let’s clean up these traps.
Yes. Please.
And get the cricket out of here already.
And put him in the restaurant? We do this all again tomorrow?
No.
No.
[Gene] ♪ I chased the dream ♪
♪ Like a ship lost at sea ♪
♪ Should’ve chased the thing in my dream ♪
♪ The thing that is me ♪
♪ I chased the dream ♪
♪ Like they say ♪
♪ You’re supposed to ♪
♪ But chase the thing in the dream ♪
♪ That your heart wants to show you. ♪
Well?
Gene, it’s…
It’s amazing and all the radio stations on the planet are gonna want to play it and I’m gonna be rich!
Sorry, what were you guys gonna say?
[Chuckling] I–I’m glad you believe in yourself again. And, yes, it really is a good song.
It really is. Like, really. Not like when we were saying it before.
I like both songs, but this one a little… A lot better.
So, did you send it in to the contest?
No way. I’m not wasting my song on that.
Wait, what?
You know how those contests work. They make you sign away the rights to everything. And this song is gonna be the first single from my debut platinum double album The Best of Gene Belcher.
Okay, good plan.
Mmhmm.
Oh, look, mint on the floor.
What? Can’t be from us. We cleaned.
Yeah, and we were so thorough.
[Bob grunts]
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I earned this floor mint.
[Linda] You sure did, honey.
♪ Tater tots with legs ♪
♪ Hot tot to trot ♪
♪ Tater tots with legs ♪
♪ Hot tot to trot ♪
♪ Tater tots with legs ♪
♪ Hot tot to trot ♪
♪ Zebras wearing bras ♪
♪ Zebras, zebras ♪
♪ Zebras wearing bras ♪
♪ Zebras, zebras ♪
♪ Zebras wearing bras ♪
♪ Zebras, zebras ♪
♪ Salami, salami ♪
♪ Salami, salami ♪
♪ Salami, salami ♪
♪ Salami. ♪
