Original air date: October 22, 2023
Gretchen screws up her sister Jestain’s bachelorette party: she forgets to invite Justine’s friends and forgets to book a limo and the party is tonight. She pressures Linda to help her. They borrow Nat’s limo, which Bob drives, and invite Gayle and Jestain’s former school teacher to fill in for Jestain’s friends. When the strip club Pickles turns out to be closed for fumigation, Linda rigs the restaurant up to look like a club while Bob tries calling some strippers to come last minute. When it seems that the strippers aren’t coming, Gretchen tearfully apologizes to Jestain, ashamed for messing up everything and being a failure of an older sister. Jestain tells her she still looks up to Gretchen, in spite of the way the evening has gone. The strippers arrive, having received Bob’s voicemails. They perform the routine, saving the night. Meanwhile, Tina pressures Gene and Louise into playing a board game she found, but finds the game to be miserable. Instead, they sneak down to the restaurant in the crawlspace to watch the strippers, but find their view blocked by the grate.
* * *
♪ ♪
Aw. Hey there, big guy. How you feeling this morning, huh?
Uh, good.
Okay. Just checking. You’re a tough little cookie.
Thanks, Linda.
Are you guys, uh, talking about dad’s hemorrhoid?
Oh, you mean Gary?
You named my hemorrhoid?
Yeah. Gary. He lives in your butt.
Well, uh, Gary has moved out. It’s just my butt now.
Brian?
Wait, my butt’s name is Brian?
Big ol’ Brian.
Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better.
So much better. Yep.
’cause what the doctor was gonna do to you sounded like a horror movie.
W–we don’t have to talk about it.
Seems like we do.
The doctor said if your dad’s hemorrhoid didn’t get smaller, they’d have to put a needle up his butt and drain it.
Agh!
Ew!
Nope.
They were about to do it.
But then I started to get nauseous and I was dry heaving.
In–in a brave way. So, he said we could wait a few days
And see if it got better on its own.
And it did.
Yup. It’s totally better. All gone. On its own.
Never will have to do that needle thing.
Butt needle.
Gene.
Why isn’t Gretchen calling me back?
[scoffs] I know why.
’cause I melted her look-book
At the salon and she’s really upset.
I’m still a little confused how you melted something
While getting a haircut.
Ah, I was in the chair, looking at Gretchen’s look-book. She has old magazine cutouts of every hairstyle she’s ever done. She puts inspirational stuff in there, too. Some cute dogs, Jason Priestley. Anyway, Gretchen had to step away and she put down her curling iron. So I then decided I wanted to read a magazine, so I put down the look-book on top of the curling iron, Which I did not see. Apparently, you’re not supposed to do that.
Because of fire?
Yes, Tina.
It melted in the middle and got sort of roasted around the edges.
Like a Cubano.
Anyway, I feel horrible. I–I’m just gonna call her again.
Damn it. Voice mail.
Hey, Gretchen. Oh, my god, I bet you look so pretty today, I can’t stand it.
That’s a weird-looking squirrel. Wait, never mind. That’s just a wet sock laying in the road.
It makes you think.
Well, well, well. What do we have here? Free stuff? Veterinarian, the board game.
“Feel the high-paced intensity of a veterinarian’s office from the comfort of your living room.”
Damn. Who’s excited to play this after school?
I mean, the television still works, right?
Look, you get to operate on dogs, birds, cats. There’s a spinner thing. That’s fun. Right? Oh, you guys kept walking.
Gretchen!
Hi, Linda.
Hi! You’re not here to beat me up, right? [weak chuckle]
No, I just got my nails done.
Okay, well, how about a free burger? On the house.
Sure. I could eat.
Wait. On the house? Seriously?
One burger of the day for Gretchen, Bobby.
Okay.
Hi, Bob. How are you? You look good.
Hi, Gretchen.
His hemorrhoid went away.
Thanks, Lin.
They were gonna have to use a butt needle.
Lin. Yup, yup, it but it’s fine now. It’s all good. Bye.
So, I figured out how you can pay me back.
Yeah?
You’re friends with a limo driver, right?
Yeah.
Well, you know how I’m planning my baby sister Jestain’s bachelorette party?
Yeah.
And everything was gonna be great. We were gonna eat at the Oyster Palace.
Ooh, yum.
Yeah, she likes the seafood tower. It’s like they put the whole ocean on that thing. And after dinner, we’re going to pickles to see a different kind of seafood tower, if you know what I mean!
I think I do. Should I say?
Teddy, no.
And we were gonna drive around all night in a limo, which apparently you have to book in advance, which I did not do. So I was wondering if your friend could help me out, and I’ll forget all about you burning my look-book that I worked on for 15 years!
Okay, okay, yes! I’ll call her, I’ll call her!
Oh, frick, Linda, I’m out of town.
No.
Yeah, I’m staying with my friend axel in Cedarburg, Wisconsin for the week. He bought a bunch of goats. His neighbors are mad at him and honestly, I don’t blame ’em. He doesn’t have a fence. Wait!
What?
Use my limo. Ow. Ow. You just have to find a driver you can trust who’s comfortable handling a large, elegant vehicle that’s also a rolling work of art. Do you know someone like that?
I mean, I… Wha–what about me?
Done. You’re a limo driver now.
Seriously?
Of course. You just have to pay for gas and clean up any pukes or poops. Or puke-poops, which is a thing.
Thank you so much, Nat. I’ll take good care of her.
Yes. Now I don’t have to burn something you love. This is gonna be the best bachelorette party. I’m the best big sister ever!
This bachelorette party’s gonna suck. I screwed up. None of Jestain’s friends can come!
Okay, slow down, tell me what happened.
I forgot to send the email invite and now all her friends are doing other things tomorrow night.
All of ’em?
Yeah. One of ’em’s an er doctor. Another one’s visiting her mom in Florida. I mean, come on. And another one “already has plans” because the person “let them know more than a day before the event.” So now we have an empty limo. Except for me, Jestain and Ms. Baker, our third-grade teacher.
Your third-grade teacher?
I was desperate. Third-grade teachers can be friends, Linda.
Should we just do it on a different night?
No, it has to be tomorrow. Jestain asked her boss for the night off weeks ago. That wing you do doesn’t just let waitresses take off whatever night they want. [sighs] That limo’s gonna feel so empty.
Well, uh, I could go, maybe, as a guest?
Huh?
I mean, I know Jestain, sort of. I met her that time at the salon, when she brought you wings. And then you ate the wings while you did my hair.
Okay.
And my sister Gayle could come, maybe? She’s sort of fun for people to be around.
Yeah.
Then it’ll be you, me and our little sisters hanging out and shouting… [whoops] And ms. Baker, too.
Yeah. Maybe that could work and not be too weird.
Now we just need to find a new limo driver. Ooh, what about Bob?
Wait, you want me to drive the limo?
Bobby, please. I need this night to go well so Gretchen will forgive me. And driving is just like sitting. So, really, you’ll just be sitting all night.
Mmhmm. I love sitting.
Well, maybe you want to sit down here and play a little board game that’s fun for the whole family?
Nope.
No thanks.
Sorry, Tina.
Not feeling it right now. Okay, I get it.
So Bob can do it. Bob’s gonna drive.
Great. Hey, this is gonna be okay, right?
Of course. We’re gonna give Jestain the bachelorette party of her dreams, with people she kind of knows. All right!
[Tina whistles]
Thank you.
Doesn’t your father look like a real limo driver?
What can’t this guy do?
Touch his toes.
[Bob] Mm.
Touch his knees?
Okay.
Brush his teeth?
W–we don’t have to play this game.
Wait, where’s Jen? She should be here by now.
That’s the first rule of babysitting. You got to be at the place.
I’m gonna call her. Hi, Jen. It’s Linda Belcher.
Hi, Linda. It’s Jen.
Are you on your way?
In life?
To our house?
I’m not babysitting till next weekend, so if I left now I’m worried I’d get there too early.
Next weekend? No, tonight.
Oh, it, um, can’t be tonight because I wrote down “Linda Belcher babysit next weekend.” Tonight I wrote down “teach night school.” Class, go ahead and take out your graphing calculators. I should probably get off the phone. Bye.
Okay, Tina, you’re in charge tonight.
In charge, huh? So they have to do or play whatever I say?
No, mom, please.
She’s gonna make us neuter animals.
Sorry, she’s the oldest, she’s in charge and we got to go. Don’t neuter anything I wouldn’t neuter and stay out of my room.
Uh-oh. Just going over a speed bump. Front wheels… And back wheels. Oh, yeah, we did it.
He’s very bad at driving.
Gayle, what are you wearing? Is that your renaissance faire outfit?
Yeah. I also sleep in it sometimes.
[phone vibrates]
Ooh. Hey, Gretchen.
[Gretchen] I just thought of something. Bob can’t be Bob, your husband. It kind of ruins the magic. Can he be someone else?
Um, yep. Bob, you got that?
What am I doing?
I got to go. Bye.
Pretend you’re not my husband and just be the limo driver.
Okay.
And maybe you should come up with a fake name.
Really?
You should probably have an accent.
Wait, what? I–I don’t want to do an accent.
I think you got to do it.
Mm.
Oh, Bob, pretend you’re an excon putting your life back together. And you didn’t mean to hurt all those people but their ghosts come to see you at night and give you little riddles to solve about their lives.
Do I say all of that, or…
No, that’s just your vibe.
Oh, my god, look at this freaking limo!
[Bad Italian accent] Hello. Ciao. I–I’m your limousine driver, Dob. Dob the driver. Uh, and, uh, I am not married. I’m single.
Not me. I’m getting married.
Hello, Dob. It’s nice to have never met you.
[Jestain] Glad you could make it, Linda. And Gayle, right? This is Ms. Baker. I haven’t seen her since third grade.
I brought stickers. Jestain always liked stickers. Gretchen liked fighting.
Well, now look at her. Or look at me, ’cause she did my hair. She’s a genius with hair.
Like that Einstein guy. Have you seen the hair on him?
[whoops] I can’t believe we’re going to pickles after dinner! Gretch, remember the last time we were there?
Of course I do.
The tea party.
The tea party!
Tea party? Is that, like, a sex thing I don’t know about?
No, the three dancers were on stage having an actual tea party.
Not just any dancers, either. The best dancers at pickles. Throb, Rocket and Steve. Ah.
Yeah, sitting in little chairs. Little saucers, tea cups, tiny sandwiches. And then the music kicked in.
And when those men formed a pyramid and the guy on top sprayed tea everywhere like he was the damn fountain at the Bellagio… In that moment, everything in the world felt beautiful.
Oh, my god.
And I got to be there with my big sister. If we see that performance tonight wow.
Oh, you’re seeing it. Don’t you worry. Look how many singles I brought. $40 worth of singles.
[whoops]
Oh, I dropped one. Oh, I–I dropped some more.
I love my big sister! Oh, red light. Hi. How’s your sandwich?
[Tina] Now, look, I know you guys are a little on the fence about playing this game.
On the fence?
But I’m in charge, so we’re doing it. So, it says the player who has saved the most animals wins. You spin the little spinner thing and move your game piece. Gene, you go first.
[Gene] Four.
Ooh, exciting. Procedure card. See what it says.
“Express poodle’s anal glands. Collect $150.” Yeah!
Way to go, Gene. My turn. Six. Big number. Heh. “Fake credentials, license suspended”? “Lose two turns, pay $200”? What? But, uh, having fun. [short chuckle] All right, Louise, your turn.
Okay.
Hope you get a six. Kidding. [short chuckle]
[Bad Italian accent] Oh, we’re going to drive by pickles on our way to dinner.
Maybe if we look real hard we’ll see some abs.
Yeah. A little abspetizer.
[whoops]
What the…
Uh-oh. Linda. Linda.
What?
Pickles is being fumigated.
What?
Look.
Oh, no. Oh, my god. Um, uh, you know what, don’t drive this way. Turn, turn, turn.
What?
Turn.
Oh, my god. Uh, hang on, everyone.
[Gretchen] Whoa!
[Jestain] Easy there!
Sorry. That, uh, street was, uh… Uh, no good.
What a mysterious man. I wonder what demons he’s running from.
Welcome to the Oyster Palace, ladies.
Um… [short chuckle] Gretchen, hang back here for a second. Everyone else go in. Everything’s fine. Ooh, oh, I can smell the oysters.
What is it? What’s going on?
Pickles is closed. They’re fumigating.
What? No, no, no, no, no!
That’s why I turned like that. I–I’m a good driver.
Didn’t you call and make a reservation?
Who makes a reservation at a strip club? “Hey, hi, can you reserve some naked men for us?”
I just figured you’d called or something.
What are we gonna do?
Well, is there another strip club nearby?
There was Dingles in Bog Harbor, but it shut down last year. And, of course, Todd’s Tush Tavern closed a while back. So, Pickles is really the only option. Oh! I keep screwing this up.
What? No.
You heard how much Pickles meant to her. Can we at least wait till after dinner to tell her we’re not going?
No. You’re not telling her anything. You asked for my help and I’m gonna help you. I don’t just burn precious look-books, I also put out fires.
[gasps] I just got chills.
Yep, yep.
Wait, Jen! Jen’s cousin works at Pickles.
Hot cousin Dave?
Yes. Maybe we can call Jen and get his number. And then maybe he can get us the numbers of those guys.
Throb, Rocket and Steve?
Yeah.
Wait, and then what? There’s no Pickles right now.
Well, uh, maybe we all go to a different place. Like, maybe they’ll come to Gretchen’s place?
Damn it. My landlady said no more parties since the one where I kind of peed off my balcony onto her balcony. What is a balcony for, then? What are you using your balcony for?!
I mean, there is a place we could use. Bob?
Oh, no.
Come on, we’re desperate here.
I don’t know if that’s even legal.
We’ll cover up the windows.
But we serve food there. What if penis sweat gets everywhere?
I mean, it won’t get everywhere. Do it for Gretchen.
Yeah, do it for me. And Jestain. Oh, my god. My sweet little Jestain.
Oh, fine.
All right!
Yeah, yeah!
Pickles at the restaurant.
Oh, my god, thank you. We should get inside and eat oysters. For Jestain.
Right. Uh, Bobby, can you call Jen and all the other people?
[sighs] Accent or no accent?
Uh, feel your way through it. Have fun. Thank you, love you, bye. Oysters!
Okay, 50 bucks for giving a parakeet CPR. Pretty good deal.
Yeah, I’m rolling in veterinarian dough. Lopping off dog testicles is easy money, baby.
All right, Tina, it’s your turn. Break a leg. Not a dog’s leg. Again. That was sad.
Here I go. [groans] Three. Mmhmm. “a cat was hit by a car. “Spin an even number for a blood transfusion or lose the patient and your next turn”? You got to be kidding me.
You got this, T. Do it for Kitty.
Five. Damn it.
Ooh. Sorry, Kitty. She can be friends with the other ones you lost. In pet heaven.
[groans]
Tina, it doesn’t seem like you’re really enjoying this. We don’t have to keep playing.
Uh, what are you talking about? I–I love this game. I don’t even care at all how bad I’m doing.
[whispers] I heard she went to the worst vet school.
[indistinct conversations]
Do you think Bob can pull this off?
Oh, yeah. Bob is great at talking on the phone. Unless it’s to my mother. Or–or people. But maybe he’s great at talking to male strippers?
Ah, I’m so nervous. I–I’m gonna drink some more of my scotch on the beach.
Excuse me, waiter. Can I take these shells home with me?
Uh, those are yours to keep, ma’am.
Yes! Anyone else keeping your shells?
Can I have your shells?
What, you want my shrimp tails?
Yeah. Give ’em to me.
Should we get another round? You want another round?
Ms. Baker. Look at you.
What? It’s not a school night. Who wants stickers?
I’ll take one.
Ooh, everybody gets stickers.
I’m so full of seafood but I’m saving room for Pickles!
Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.
Yeah. [weak chuckle] Pickles.
I’m putting my sticker on my face.
Hot cousin Dave. It–it’s Bob Belcher. Your cousin Jen babysits for us. I mean, our–our kids. We’re–we’re grownups. Quick, uh, work question for you. Um, do you happen to have Throb, Rocket and Steve’s phone numbers? Which Throb? There’s more than one?
Hi, uh, is this, um, Throb? Oh, sorry. Terry. Your real name isn’t Throb. I–I of course. Well, uh, Hot Dave gave me your number. You guys don’t call him that? I–I think he’s pretty hot. Uh, I’m wondering if you’re busy oh… You’re at a nursing home? Stripping? Right, not stripping. You’re w–w you’re with your father. That’s–that’s nice. Is he mobile?
You’re making pizza. That’s, uh, that’s great, uh, Rocket. Uh, well, tell your son happy birthday from–from me.
Hey, Steve, uh, my name is Bob. I–I got your number from Hot Dave, who I guess isn’t considered hot in your community, but anyway, uh, this is, uh, kind of a Hail Mary, but, uh, here–here it is.
♪ we’re getting in the limo ♪
♪ we’re getting in the limo! ♪
Whoa. Ms. Baker loosened up.
Lot of Mai Tais. So many.
Well? Are they coming? I’m freaking out.
I don’t know.
What do you mean you don’t know?
Well, Throb is with his dad and it’s Rocket’s son’s birthday. They’re having pizza. But I left a voice mail for Steve. Uh, a good voice mail? I think? I mean, you know, for me?
So we don’t know if he’s coming?
What do we do? We get Bob to strip? Bob, what are you comfortable showing us?
I–I don’t think that’s a good plan.
I think we just take her to the restaurant and hope Steve shows up.
Oh! We’re screwed.
Well, who knows? Maybe she’s all full of shrimp and oysters and shots that Gretchen made up that used vodka and tartar sauce in a way that seemed to make the bartenders uncomfortable and now she’s sitting down in the cozy limo and she won’t be that excited for strippers anymore?
Strippers! Strippers!
Strippers! Strippers!
[Bob] [bad italian accent] Well, we are here, ladies. At the Restar I–I m I mean, uh, Pickles. The private Pickles place.
Yup, private Pickles. It’s better than regular old public Pickles because here you get the dancers or maybe a dancer all to ourselves. I–it’s, like, a premium package.
Yeah, yeah. Um, uh, Dob, Any word on your, uh, limo driver phone about anything?
[whispers] Nothing.
Wait, isn’t this your restauran–
Hey.
[whispers] You haven’t been here before. You don’t know where you are.
Ow! Oh! Ow!
Looks like a burger place.
That’s why it’s such a good private club. Let’s go in. [whoops]
[Tina] Spin an odd number or the bunny will have to be euthanized. Oh, I don’t know if I can take this.
Tina, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s pretty late. We should probably go to bed?
No. We started this and we have to finish it.
Kids? What are you still doing up? I’m just, um, getting sheets for the restaurant.
Is the restaurant cold?
Um, here’s the thing. Sometimes mommies and daddies are doing a bachelorette party and the strip club is closed and you have to have the strippers come to you.
We know all that.
Meaning, come to the restaurant?
Uh, yes. W–we hope. We haven’t heard back.
Are you sure we shouldn’t, um, come down there and help out? Serve waters, choreograph numbers?
Sorry. Kids at a bachelorette party kind of kills the vibe. No offense. Now go to bed. And stay out of my room.
Okay. Yeah, we’ll just go to bed while Pickles is going on downstairs.
That’s what I say every night. Talking about my hm–hm.
Okay, I have a proposal as your babysitter. We stop playing the game, get the ladder, go into the attic, drop down into the crawlspace and watch the stripper party through the vent in the restaurant.
Whoa. Uh, okay. I like sneaking into places. Let’s do that.
But good game, everybody. Who knows who would have won. [short chuckle] Neck and neck. [short chuckle] But I feel bad about that cat’s neck.
Great, let’s go see some grownups acting like maniacs around dingalings.
Good wine at this place, huh? Tastes like it was opened this week.
Oh, he’s not coming. This is a disaster.
[sighs] I’m so sorry, Gretchen. Uh, do you want me to strip? I mean, I would, I–if we could, you know, make it a lot darker in here, like, pretty much completely dark?
No, let’s just call it. But thanks. I’m just gonna tell her. [groans] Jestain, I screwed up everything. No strippers are coming!
Huh? W–what do you mean?
I forgot to invite all your friends until it was too late and that’s why they’re all busy tonight. And I forgot to get a limo and Dob is actually Bob. He’s a burger cook and this is his restaurant.
Hi. Hello.
And I never called Pickles, so I didn’t know that they were closed. I just messed up everything. I’m the worst person you could have asked to do this.
Oh.
Boo!
I’m sorry. I wanted this to be great. I wanted to do this for you ’cause you look up to me so much.
[Louise] [whispering] There’s more crying at this strip club than I expected.
Huh. It was a lot of work to get down here and I’m not sure how we get out. It’s fine. Never mind.
I’m sorry, Jestain. I’m a terrible big sister.
Gretchen–
I ruined your party.
You’re not terrible.
You don’t get it, Linda. You’re always the perfect older sister.
Mm… I mean, I’m not.
Definitely not.
Okay, Gayle.
She makes a lot of mistakes. You know, one time she tried to sleep with my husband.
No, Gayle. That was you. My husband. And you. Bob.
That’s true.
Well, that’s not how I remember it.
I’m just saying, big sisters are allowed to make mistakes, too. We’re not perfect. Otherwise, how do little sisters know it’s okay not to be perfect?
[whispering] Oh, that’s what you’ve been doing for me. Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Gretch, I know tonight didn’t go exactly as planned. Like, none of my friends could come. Though Ms. Baker is making her way up there!
That’s right.
But you’re the coolest person I know. You’re, like, the one I want to be with on my bachelorette party night.
I freakin’ love you.
I freakin’ love you, too!
I still have a hemorrhoid.
What?
It–it’s not better. It hurts. I’m in a lot of pain right now. I–I lied.
I knew it. That man has been clenched for three days.
I was so scared at the doctor, Lin. When he was about to put the needle in my butt, I just wanted you to be there to hold my hand. But I was too embarrassed to ask you to come to the butt doctor with me.
Oh, my god, of course I’d hold your hand. I don’t want you to be scared. You’re my big, strong boy.
Thanks, Lin. Uh, sorry. It seemed like we were all confessing things.
Are we in the right place?
Steve?
You came!
Oh. Hi, Steve.
Well, it was hard to say no to that voice mail. That guy sounded so desperate.
Hey. Uh, that–that was me. I–I… I get that a lot.
I brought my friend smooth. I’m sorry we can’t do the tea party routine, but smooth and I can do the double Dutch routine. I don’t know if you’ve seen that one.
Oh, tea party.
Sorry, we need a third person for the high tea finale. We form kind of a pyramid.
Oh, I know.
The double Dutch is still pretty good. I mean, it’s no tea party, but what is?
I’ll be your third!
[gasps]
Oh, wow.
Damn.
Seriously?
Um…
I know every move. And I’m strong. I’ll be the base.
Right on. I’ll be the top. Can we borrow some cups and saucers?
Uh…
Sure.
Smooth?
Let’s serve some tea.
Okay, all right, here we go.
[cheering]
This makes me want tiny sandwiches. Wait, where are they going? No, no, no. Are they climbing onto the counter? We can only see their feet. I don’t want to just see feet.
Watching you right now is my favorite part so far. You look like a dog that got locked out of a tennis ball store.
[Gene] Too soon. She lost a lot of dogs today.
[Bob] Oh, god.
[whooping, cheering]
Take it off!
Yeah!
You got to be freakin’ kidding me.
[cheering, whooping continuing]
[Bob] c–careful with the cups.
Careful with the cups!
♪ tea party, party ♪
♪ party, party, party ♪
♪ little chairs ♪
[Jestain] Sittin’ in little chairs.
♪ little saucers ♪
Little saucers.
♪ tea cups ♪
Tea cups.
♪ and tiny sandwiches ♪
Tiny sandwiches.
♪ spraying tea ♪
Spraying tea…
♪ everywhere ♪
Like he was the damn fountain
♪ damn fountain ♪
At the bellagio!
♪ at the bellagio ♪
In that moment, everything in the world
♪ tea party… ♪
Felt beautiful.
[Linda] oh, my gosh.
♪ tea party, party… ♪
[Gretchen] Now I don’t have to burn something you love! I’m the best big sister ever!
