Bob’s Burgers – S12E02 – Crystal Mess | Transcript

When Tina gets nervous about an oral report, Mr. Frond lends her a crystal his girlfriend claims has special powers; Bob and Linda purchase a box of imperfect produce and try to use it all before it goes bad.
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Bob's Burgers - S12E02 - Crystal Mess

Original air date: October 3, 2021

When Tina gets nervous about an oral report, Mr. Frond lends her a crystal his girlfriend claims has special powers; Bob and Linda purchase a box of imperfect produce and try to use it all before it goes bad.

* * *

TINA: Uh…

Did someone switch Tina to white noise?

Tina, sweetie, why are you making your sad mumble grumbles?

I’m just nervous about the oral report I have to give in class today. For Wagstaff 75th Anniversary Week.

Ooh, right! The 75th anniversary thing. That school’s getting up there, huh?

Yeah, it looks much younger, but it had a lot of work done. Boob job.

BOB: Mm.

Our class had to make posters for the anniversary assembly. Also, breaking news– fourth graders don’t know how to spell “anniversary.”

Well, Tina, I’m sure you’ll do great, even though sometimes you get a debilitating fear of public speaking. Sorry, pretend I didn’t say that last part.

It’s not just that. This is a speech with a partner. Zeke and I are doing a report together.

Wait. Why is having a partner bad?

(sighs) I kind of have a reputation when it comes to doing oral reports with partners.

They call her “the cooler.” She’ll take your perfectly good oral presentation and throw a bunch of cold sweat on it.

They also call her the cooler because you can sit on her at the beach.

I just don’t want to let my partner down, so I get all nervous and sweaty and I mess up my note cards and… (hacks) …my mouth gets all phlegmy, (thickly): like right now, ’cause I’m thinking about it.

Okay, calm down. You know, maybe just picture everyone with a giant booger that’s trapped in their nose hairs and they look ridiculous. Speaking of… Bob. Nose hairs.

Oh. Uh, well, I gotta go. Not because I had a booger in my nose. I’m gonna go to the Tuesday farmers market in Bog Harbor for produce.

That’s what Dad says when he goes to his mistress.

Tina, I’m sorry about the sweat stuff. Y-You get that from me. Sometimes I put rolled up socks under my arms.

No wonder this guy’s got a mistress.

ZEKE: Hey, partner! I’m real excited about our report today.

Hey, Zeke. Uh, yup! I mean, I’m not nervous or anything. I-I feel great.

Tell that to your pits.

Ah! Anyone have an extra pair of socks I can borrow? For… no reason?

I have extra socks, but I’m wearing them over my other socks.

Why do you have all those clothes on?

Jocelyn and I are doing our Wagstaff Anniversary report on what popular people wore, past and present. We’re gonna take off layers to reveal popular people clothes from different decades. Yes, you’re jealous.

Who’s jealous? Oh, them.

(school bell ringing)

See ya later, Tina! We got this, right?

Yeah, totally, thumbs up!

Oh, God. (panting)

Tina. Are you okay?

Yeah, really great. (panting)

Okay, I think I know what’s going on. Let’s go to my office. This seems like a situation for the Anxiety Society.

So, Panicky Paul, Nervous Nellie, and Worry Murray have all experienced what you’re experiencing. Isn’t that nice?

It’s just– I have to give an oral report with Zeke…

(phone chimes)

(stammering) I just got a text. Oh, my God, it’s from Cassie. She’s a person I’m dating. Twice. We went on two dates.

Um, okay…

(giddy laugh) Cassie had a nice time last night. What do I write back?

Maybe… say you had a nice time, too?

Ooh, that’s good! Uh… Okay, Tina, back to you. Did the dolls work, or… what are we doing?

Uh… A little?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. See this crystal? Cassie gave it to me.

That’s… nice.

She says it brings good energy to whoever is in possession of it. I-I think that’s how she put it.

Are you saying maybe it could help me?

What? Oh, because of your thing? With the nervousness? Maybe. I mean, Cassie’s so pretty. And her car was so clean. So, maybe she’s right… about crystals. So, yeah, go ahead and borrow it.

Okay. I mean, I guess it can’t hurt. Unless it’s sharp. Ow. That part’s a little sharp. Thanks, Mr. Frond.

Mr. Frond: Wait, wait, wait, wait. How does this look?

[shows his proposed phone text to Tina]

Tina Belcher: Maybe just one full line of exclamation points instead of two?

Mr. Frond: But, then, how will she know I’m excited?

He’s back!

Oh, thank God. I was worried about you.

Why? I was just at the farmers market.

Yeah, but you know how farmers get. With their pitchforks.

Whoa, that’s a big box of fruits and veggies.

Yeah, and I got a huge discount on all this, too.

Look at this carrot. It’s got legs. We could put a little pair of pants on it. And this tomato’s all lumpy. Wait a minute, all this stuff in here is weird-looking.

Yeah, that’s why it was so cheap. Also, it’s all about to go rotten.

Uh… yum.

People get so judgmental about how food looks. I mean, ugly, soft, discolored food is food, too.

No, it’s not. Sorry.

I’m proud of you, Bobby. You saved all this food.

Yeah. I mean, nobody at the farmers market said the word “hero,” but I think they were thinking it.

Hey, Linda, can you turn the tomato that way? So it’s not looking right at me with its weird tomato eyes?

Okay, but the other side’s worse.

Ah!

And here comes Mr. Carrot.

(as carrot): I’m coming to say hi to you, Teddy.

I don’t like it! I don’t like it!


…and in the ’90s, popular people at Wagstaff wore baby doll dresses like Wynona Ryder did in Reality Bites, which is my dad’s favorite movie and also the password for his laptop.

And these are lace-up jeans from the 2000s. It’s like your pants are shoes.

And these are our clothes. Because we’re great. So, yeah, the end.

Thank you, Tammy and Jocelyn. That was… an example of what happens when I don’t vet your report topics. Okay! Tina, Zeke, let’s hear your report on Wagstaff’s Amazing Alumni.

(quietly): You ready?

(exhaling deeply)

Okay, let me know when you’re, uh, at the end of that deep breath and we’ll start.

(stops exhaling) Ready.

Hey, Tina, when you look back at 75 years of Wagstaff, what do you see?

What do I see? I Spy Amazing Alumni!

(quietly): Nice.

Thanks.

Hey, you know what, Zeke? Let’s talk about those amazing alumni.

Alumn-I’d love to!

(quietly): We’re killing it.

Tina, you knocked it out of the park.

Yeah, you didn’t get all sweaty like you usually do.

It’s true. The report went pretty smoothly. And this thing only stabbed me once.

Whoa. Is that a diamond? Did you steal that from a scepter?

Oh. No, it’s a crystal. Mr. Frond let me borrow it ’cause I was nervous about our report. The woman he’s dating gave it to him. She said it brings good energy.

Good energy like a protein bar?

Mm, no.

Tina, Zeke, I’m supposed to select some of the oral reports to be given again tomorrow at the Wagstaff Anniversary assembly and I’m choosing you guys.

Oh, my God!

Do what?

Yep. And Tammy, Jocelyn, since you two were the only other people who didn’t just read from the school website’s “about us” section, you will also be presenting your report at the assembly.

BOTH: Wow.

I mean, yay!

What do you say, Tina? You up for doing this again tomorrow?

CRYSTAL: You can do it if I’m with you, Tina. Also, it might feel cool if you press me to your face right now. Or do it later, maybe. People might not get it.

Here’s an oral report, Zeke– Let’s do it!

That’s not really a report, but yeah!


Tina, I’m so proud of you! My little lordy lordy, look who’s doing her report-y in front of the whole school!

Yeah, you went from scaredy-cat to She’s All That.

So, Tina, you think a crystal made you do well on your report?

I mean, I don’t know if I like your tone. But yes. Maybe. I’m not sure.

I’m just saying, it could be that you practiced a lot. Like, over and over. Like, a few times, I thought you were talking to me, ’cause you were staring right at me and I said “What, Tina?” And you just kept talking about alumni.

Look. All I can say is before I got this crystal, I was the cooler, and then yesterday I wasn’t. I was the… furnace.

The Her-nace.

Uh, Mom, is this dinner? It’s, like, all vegetables and I don’t have enough places to hide them.

Well, your dad bought a giant box of weird produce for the restaurant and there’s no way we’re gonna be able to use it all down there, so I brought some up here. And this is our life now.

I smell a reality show.

Hey, you kids want to take these apples to school? Give ’em to your teachers?

Are you sure that’s an apple?

It’s fine. It’s natural. That’s how apples look sometimes.

It kinda looks like Dad’s butt. But not as red.

Oh, yeah. It does.

BOB: Mm.


Hey, Mr. Frond. So… about this crystal you loaned me…

Uh-huh…

Um, is it okay if I keep it for the assembly today?

Uh, yeah, sure. Big things are happening, Tina. I’m asking Cassie out on a third date. What do you think of this?

“Want to come over for dinner tonight? I make a mean casserole. Or in your case, a Cassie-role. LOL. I told you I can be funny sometimes. Anyway, this is Phillip Frond.”

Um… Perfect?

Great. Adding a heart, heart, heart, heart, heart and send.

You got this, Zeke.

There’s my partner!

Don’t talk!

What are you guys doing?

Zeke is trying to break his record for how long he can hold up a pencil with his lip.

(straining)

You know, I never think school’s gonna be interesting and then something like this happens.

Oh, my gosh, Zeke, three more seconds. Two. One. New record!

I’m the holding up a pencil with my lip champ!

I think you can quit school now.

Hey! I bet it was because Tina was here. With the crystal.

Jimmy Jr: Oh, yeah. Hey, Tina, can I borrow the crystal for PE today? We’re running hurdles and I want to clear all of them. So I don’t hit my penis like last time.

Uh… No. Mr. Frond trusted me with it and I don’t think I should lend it out.

Hey, I wasn’t holding the crystal when I broke my lip pencil record. Tina was just standing near me. Maybe if she’s just there, you won’t hit your poor penis.

Oh, yeah. Tina, could you do that?

Sure. I guess.

Great, let’s go.

Huh. They think Tina and her crystal have powers. That rock could make us some paper.

And maybe some money, too.


Oh, sir! Don’t forget your free fruit or vegetable.

What?

Yeah, one with every meal. Take it!

Oh… I think I’m just gonna go?

Sorry, Linda. His loss.

Yeah. You want it, Mort?

Uh…

Here’s your burger, Teddy.

Oh, thanks. Whoa. What’s that? What’s happening?

Uh, we’re trying out a new thing. A side salad is included with your meal.

Eh, no thanks. It looks weird.

It doesn’t matter what it looks like, Teddy. Close your eyes and eat it.

Bob, I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get rid of your weird vegetables. I’m not a garbage disposal.

You kind of are. You ate that lemon rind that time.

Oh, this again? You put a lemon wedge on my plate. What do you think a guy’s gonna do? At least it was a normal-looking lemon.

Bob, let’s face it. Even with the salads and the free ugly food bowl, we’re not gonna get through all this stuff before it goes bad. I think we might have to throw out the food we didn’t want anyone to throw out.

Don’t say that!

I mean, what are we supposed to do with this sad, old cucumber that’s at the end of its life? Oh, actually, this one’s going to Mort.

Right. Yay.

Wait! That’s it! I-I know what we can do! We’ll just do what Mort does.

Eat real slow and chew a million times?

What?

We pickle it.

(gasps)

Ooh! Good idea, Bob!

Why is that like what I do?

You know, like embalming.

That’s not even really… Okay, never mind.

Ooh! All of the sudden I’m feeling picklish! All right!


Tina, my favorite sister…

Hey!

And there’s the crystal. Good, good. You know, I’ve been thinking. You and this crystal could help a lot of people. And I feel like it’s our duty to find these people and ask for a small fee in order for you to stand next to them.

Uh…

You love it. Anyway, here’s Peter Pescadero. And for the low, low price of fifty cents, he’d like some crystal Tina time.

Wait. What?

I’ve been working on my breakdancing moves, but I still can’t crack the windmill.

There’s a crack in my windmill. This guy.

Could you just stand near me while I practice for one second?

Oh. I guess… But I can’t promise anything is going to happen.

You can do this, Peter.

Windmill…!

He’s doing it. I think.

Okay, Rudy, go ask Chloe your question. I mean, I still think she’s a dumb shampoo bottle in the shape of a person. But you paid your money, so have at it.

Bring it home, Rudy. Hey, Chloe. How about you and I be science partners today?

Um, I was gonna be Emmy Butler’s partner today.

Oh.

But then she got sick, which is gross, so yeah. Just for today. And maybe you do all the experiments for both of us. ‘Cause I don’t like wearing the goggles. They hurt my hair.

Yes!

Barf.

I can’t believe I’m doing this. Eh, what the heck? It’s for online poker. I never go all in like this. But screw it, I like this hand.

Is it a royal flush? That’s the only poker hand I know because it sounds like a fancy poop.

(computer chimes)

(gasps) Oh, my God, I won! I won!

You know, the right thing to do is to give us half.

No.

We’ll talk later.

Today is the best day of this young man’s life. I finally got the corner piece of the mac and cheese.

Crystal worked again, huh?

Yup. Every other time I’ve asked, Hildy said, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” But this time, Tina’s crystal was there and now I’m in the corner suite, baby!

Well, eat up. We got some more crystal customers booked after lunch.

Actually, I was thinking we should give the crystal a rest. I’m not sure exactly how it works, but, uh… maybe we should save some of its powers for me and the assembly? I mean, I don’t know how to recharge this thing.

I bet Billy Crystal would know.

Tina! There you are. Cassie said yes to having Cassie-role with me. Also, she asked me about the crystal and I said I was enjoying it very much. So I will be needing it back after you give your speech.

JOCELYN: Ah!

You okay, Jocelyn? I’m fine. I tripped on my jean laces.

So, Tina, as I was saying, I’ll need the crystal back.

Okay, Mr. Frond. I’ll give it back to you after the assembly. And don’t worry, I’m taking good care of it. Oh, my God! It’s gone!

(high-pitched): What do you mean, “it’s gone”? It was right here just a second ago!

So was my mac and cheese! Oh, no. It’s there. Hi, you.

(high-pitched): Where’s Cassie’s crystal?

Yeah, Tina! Where’s Cassie’s crystal?

It was right there! On the table!

Ugh. One of the alumni keeps texting me. He wants to know where to park his scooter. Tina, I need the crystal back by the end of the day. Or else my Cassie-role is grass.

Oh, my God. If we don’t find it, my Cassie-role is grass, too! I’ll have to do the report with Zeke in front of the whole school with no crystal!

Someone must’ve stolen it. And during peak crystal business hours. We gotta find this monster.

And we’ll start right after lunch.

Gene…

Fine. But the mac and cheese is coming with us.

♪ Crystal, crystal, crystal ♪

♪ Who can pull the missing crystal? ♪

♪ Distracting just to find the crystal ♪

♪ Crystal, crystal, crystal, crystal. ♪

♪ We’re pickling ♪

♪ Just like the cavemen used to do. ♪

Here are all the jars we have. Oh, God. That’s a lot of smell.

What smell?

The vinegar. Ugh. It’s really strong. We might’ve pickled our whole restaurant.

Wh-Why can’t I smell it?

You’re pickled. Go to the basement and come back up.

Okay… Going down, going down. It’s really dirty down here, we should clean it. Turning around and… Oh, God! What have we done? You did this to us!

I’m sorry! I thought I did good!

The produce is cursed, Bob!

No! They’re just ugly!

Same thing! This is going to destroy everything we built together. (sniffs)

Wait, I can’t smell it anymore.

(sniffs) Yeah. Me, neither.

Should we keep pickling?

Yeah, it’s kinda fun.

LINDA: ♪ Picklin’, picklin’… ♪


Uh, the assembly’s in one hour.

We’ll never find the crystal before then.

There it is!

(gasps) The crystal! Tammy has it.

What? No, I don’t!

Wait a minute. You had Jocelyn create a distraction in the cafeteria with her big, dramatic fall, didn’t you?

No. You know Jocelyn’s knees don’t bend right.

Give me back my crystal, Tammy!

It’s not your crystal, Tina. It’s Mr. Frond’s. You borrowed it from him. And maybe I borrowed it from you and I’m gonna give it back to Mr. Frond when I am done with it. Because maybe I need some crystal power.

What are you talking about?

I found out that one of the alumni who’s coming to the assembly is the woman who owns the boutique Mary Queen of Skorts.

Yeah, I know, she was in my report.

Yeah. And she’s in the fashion industry, Tina. Uh. If she likes my presentation, she might take me under her wing. I could be Anne Hathaway to her Meryl Streep, but I’d be blonde, which is even better. Oops, oops, oops, oops. Something’s falling out of my hands and into my locker and it’s closed.

(Tammy humming)

(groans) Now what do we do?

I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna go to class, get some bathroom passes, and break into Tammy’s locker.

And then what? Oh. Right. Get the crystal.

Glad you came back for a second lunch, Teddy. Because now you get to try the quick pickles. They should be ready.

Oh, what a surprise. Bob is trying to foist his ugly vegetables on people.

I’m ignoring that, because they’re pickles now. They’re reborn.

They’re pretty pickle butterflies. (sniffs) And I won’t smell like this forever, right? Right?

Pickled carrot, anyone?

Ah, no thanks.

I’ll try it. Mmm. You can’t even taste how mangled it looked.

Pickled cauliflower?

I think that’s a strawberry.

Oh, my God, I think that is a strawberry. Teddy?

Eh… Nah, I’m gonna pass.

You know what, Teddy? These pickles aren’t for you. They’re for people who don’t want to waste food and want to make the world a better place.

That strawberry doesn’t want to make the world a better place. It’s frowning. It looks mean.

(as strawberry): I’m not mean, Teddy, I’m a nice strawberry.

Ah! Stop it!

Sorry I’m late. I got my bathroom pass and then I actually had to go to the bathroom. How’s it going here?

I mean, I don’t feel totally great about lying to get out of class. And if we don’t get the crystal, I’m probably gonna have a super sweaty, phlegmy meltdown in front of the whole school. And Mr. Frond’s gonna hate me. But other than that, fine.

Great!

Ugh! Everything at this school is lousy except for these weirdly amazing, hard-to-break-into lockers.

(school bell ringing)

This is embarrassing– Ooh! I got it!

Yes!

(gasps)

Ah!

Ah!

You guys are stealing the crystal from me!

You stole it from me!

What does that have to do with anything?

(grunting)

Let go!

(grunting)

Oh, no!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Uh… You know what, Tina? Uh, you can have it. See you at the assembly.

Ugh, damn it, Tammy!

(pants) The crystal! It’s dead!

(panting)

Unless it’s one of those crystals that crawls back together? Nope.

Tina, there you are. Please tell me you found the…

(screams)

I’m so sorry.

(whimpering)

I hear they’re doing great things with glue these days. (laughs nervously)

(whispers): Let’s go.

(playing kazoos)

TAMMY: There’s Mary Queen of Skorts. Should I wave? Hey! Okay, she didn’t wave back or look in my direction, but I think she saw me and was like, “Who’s that girl?”

Hey, Tina, you okay? ‘Cause you seem kind of nervous. And you’re perspiring– a lot.

(chuckles) What?

Don’t worry, we’ll be all right. You got the crystal.

Um, yeah, so… actually, I don’t. Because Tammy stole it and then we got in a fight and broke it.

Ugh! Get over it, Tina. That was like ten minutes ago.

Hold up. You don’t have the crystal, Tina?

No.

Oh, boy. Now I’m sweatin’. Right across my little, tiny mustache. It’s there.

Mr. Frond: Thank you, fifth grade, for that somber rendition of Matchbox Twenty’s “How Far We’ve Come.” Kazoos have never sounded so haunting. So… Wagstaff. 75 years, huh? What a rich, wonderful past this school has had. But, eventually, everything is broken. And dreams die.

He’s taking it well.

Mm-hmm.

That’s it for this jar. Served all the pickles.

Great. So we’ll just keep doing our part, being good people and getting a box of ugly produce every week. I love it.

Yeah… yeah.

What? What’s with the face? You look like someone peed in your pickle jar.

It’s just… I mean, all of this was so much work. And everything smells. Including you.

No!

It’s true, Lin. You do. You both do.

Should we… never do this again?

LINDA and TEDDY: Oh, thank God I was only doing this because I thought you really wanted to.

I did. But now I really, really don’t.

Yeah. At least we saved all these sweet ugly babies from going to the dumpster. We’re gonna get into heaven now, right?

Yeah.

I want to go to heaven, but not like that. Not like that.


And we all die alone. And now, I’d like to bring up eighth graders Tina and Zeke to give their report entitled “I Spy Amazing Alumni.”

Oh, God.

Hey, Tina, when you look back at 75 years of Wagstaff…

What do I see?

Okay…

I Spy Amazing Alumni!

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha.

Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

Let’s talk about those amazing alu… (coughs) Sorry. Little phlegm. Um, anyway, ever heard of Mary Queen of Skorts? Oh, wait. That was your part, Zeke.

Um… Uh…

Oh, now it’s me. (clears throat thickly) She’s skort of a big… deal.

Oh, boy.

(sighs) I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone. I’m not great at oral reports, and when I have a partner, that makes me even more nervous. I sweat like crazy. And I get weird phlegm in my mouth.

(hacks)

It’s like a spit smoothie in there. And I’m extra nervous because I don’t have the crystal. That’s a whole other thing. I had a crystal. It might have had magic powers. I don’t know.

Uh… Are we still doing our report?

Anyway, maybe I should just accept that I get nervous. And maybe that’s okay. Uh, I mean, why try not to be nervous when I definitely am? I mean, look at this pit sweat. Anyone need me to put out a small fire? (chuckles)

(chuckles)

(exhales) Feels good to say it all out loud. So, anyway… Oops! I’m getting the “wrap it up” signal. Or that kid just really wants me to look at her watch. Uh… Thank you!

Well, didn’t really get to talk about the Wagstaff alumni or, uh… just about anything in our report. But I tell ya– it was a pretty nice little speech. Good job, partner. And you made being sweaty and nervous kind of cool.

Thanks. I’m gonna go get some water. (coughs, clears throat)

Good idea. You sound like phlegm-ageddon, girl!

Next up: Eighth graders Tammy and Jocelyn with their report on Wagstaff fashions past and present.

(phone buzzing)

Sorry. Sorry.

Wait! Where is she going? She’s gonna miss our speech. (gasps) Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Now she’s never gonna take me to Paris Skort Fashion Week with her.

Tina, I liked your speech. I mean, it was very awkward. So awkward…

Thank you?

And in a way, your speech gave me the push I needed to leave Cassie a long and very emotional voice mail about her crystal. And she just texted me that she believes crystals don’t really “break.” She says the energy just “spreads out.”

Really? (exhales) Phew!

She’s very wise, like a pretty owl. And she still wants to come over for Cassie-role.

Oh, good.

Ooh, I should go. I need to get all the cat hair off the furniture before Cassie comes.

Great speech, T. At one point I think you sprayed some of your mouth phlegm onto your armpit sweat. That was magical.

Thanks.

Well, I got about $3.50 of crystal money in my pocket.

Is that enough to buy me a new shirt on the way home?

Probably not. But maybe a medium frozen yogurt? Three spoons?

Deal.

You can make it two spoons. I like to use my hands.

TINA: Nope. Nope.

LOUISE: Nope. Nope.

♪ Crystal power ♪

♪ Crystal power

♪ Crystal power

♪ Crystal power

♪ When you and your partner have an oral report ♪

♪ And you’re feeling really out of sorts ♪

♪ Maybe get yourself a nice crystal, it’ll ♪

♪ Only stab you a little ♪

♪ Crystal power ♪

♪ Crystal power

♪ Crystal power.

* * *

References

Reality Bites (1994)
Tammy and Jocelyn say people in the 90s wore baby doll dresses like Winona Ryder in this movie.

Jerry Maguire (1996)
The burger of the day is “You had me at hellokra”.

The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
Tammy says that she could be Anne Hathaway to Mary Queen of Skorts’ Meryl Streep.

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