Poolman (2023)
Genre: Mystery, Comedy
Director: Chris Pine
Stars: Chris Pine, Annette Bening, Danny DeVito, Jennifer Jason Leigh, DeWanda Wise, Stephen Tobolowsky, John Ortiz, Ray Wise
Plot: In Chris Pine’s feature directorial debut, Poolman tells the story of Darren Barrenman (Pine), a native Angeleno who spends his days looking after the pool of the Tahitian Tiki apartment block and fighting to make his hometown a better place to live. When he is tasked by a femme fatale to uncover the truth behind a shady business deal, Darren enlists the help of friends to take on a corrupt politician and a greedy land developer. His investigation reveals a hidden truth about his beloved city and himself.
* * *
[orchestral music]
[stringed instruments playing]
[rumbling]
[birds chirping]
[dog barking]
[wind chimes clinking]
[door banging opening]
[wind chimes clinking]
[dog barking continues]
[water splashing]
[distant police siren wailing]
[“Flower Duet” by Leo Delibes]
[women singing opera]
[water bubbling]
[Darren v/o] Dear Erin, Happy New Year!
Isn’t it fantastic to be alive?
Today I’m back at city council, fighting to make Los Angeles a better and more beautiful place to live.
Jack and I are still making our documentary.
I want to inspire people just like you inspire me.
To top it all off, I have the world’s best girlfriend.
Susan and I gel because we listen to each other, Erin.
It’s as simple as that.
Love’s alive in Los Angeles.
How are you? Yours, XX, DB.
[Susan grunting]
[bed squeaking]
[both grunting]
[both panting]
[Darren] My arm.
Oh.
[Darren] Thanks.
Stop stealing the blanket.
I’m not. Just…
Stop stealing it.
Whoa. Yeah. Cozy.
[Darren sighs]
[light piano music]
[Darren sighs]
[Susan sighs]
Yeah.
Darren…
Susan…
No, I…
Sorry.
No, you go first.
I was just gonna say…
I really think Vitors has lost something since Samir died.
Not the chicken, obviously, it’s the rice, Susan.
Oh God. Samir.
Quite frankly, it’s over salted.
Can we talk about something?
Yes.
Apologies for bringing yesterday New Years Day and I failed and I own that.
Darren.
But, salty rice is no reason, those corporate schlocks behind Salad For Days should get the Vitors’ property.
They’ve been there 30 years, Susan!
The Vitors escaped a genocide for this.
This? A second genocide?
It’s hateful.
Fucking burns me.
Still or sparkling?
Still, please.
[Darren grunts]
While supplies last.
This fucking drought.
My heart hurts. Ah.
Well, let’s get you hydrated.
Samir.
Preacher, choir, Susan. I get it.
His death was a blow to one of the best chicken restaurants in Los Angeles.
He was never the best lover but he was always a great friend.
I did not know that.
Really? He and I were…
Uh, no. Not friendly with you in that way, no.
I thought for a second we, we might get married.
This is Samir, right?
Like, chicken Samir? Dead chicken Samir?
We talked about moving to Palm Springs.
I’d get my own pilates studio.
He’d buy a food cart.
Desert council did widen the permit market down there.
Could be a great thing for the city.
Maybe we should visit him.
Samir?
His grave.
We could bring lunch. Make a day of it.
Uh, I don’t know if…
Yeah, nah. You’re right.
Can you, like, I mean, even eat at a cemetery?
Yeah, yeah.
Nah. Yeah. You’re right.
It’s just that he really loved you.
I… I liked him, too.
Darr?
Yeah, Sus?
Should we get married?
Uh…
Yeah. I mean, we could. Definitely.
Oh.
We have tickets to Descanso Gardens.
But the camellias had to be replanted and the mondo grass died.
It’s this drought. It’s just so tragic.
Tragic.
Oh.
10:30 a.m. call time with Jack and Diane.
Hair and makeup.
My documentary.
Pivotal scene.
C’est la vie.
Oui, cherie.
We’ll always have Paris.
Sorry about Samir, Susan.
It’s okay, Darr.
Is this Italian?
What Italian?
The song.
Oh, yeah.
It really lifts the spirit.
Yeah.
[Italian music continues]
[sighs]
[knock on door]
[wind chimes clinking]
[growls] Teddy Hollandaise.
[Jack] That’s all the equipment.
You gotta be gentle with it.
You stick it right in the back there.
Put that one on the bottom, ’cause it fits.
Leave that one. Put that one back.
So, anyway, listen. Let me go back to my story.
Two steaks, a couple of lobster tails.
Oh, it’s New Year’s Eve for Christ’s sake.
What am I gonna do, have rotisserie chicken?
Just so we’re clear, I love rotisserie chicken.
Yes you do love rotisserie chicken, but I was down to get the surf and turf, but I went to a Japanese restaurant because that’s what Diane…
Oh, here we go.
She loves the jalapeños with the sashimi.
I do.
You know, the appetizer, right?
So, first of all, I’ve gotta park.
You ever park on Colorado Avenue?
Colorado Avenue is an absolute nightmare.
Have, have you, have you seen Susan, honey?
Of course I have. She’s my girlfriend
We’re going to Descanso Gardens.
It, it… Colorado is an unadulterated
You have schmutz.
catastrophe.
You wanna park? You go to Wisconsin.
They got the long-term meters.
So I’m at the restaurant.
What’s… what’s it called?
What’s what called?
The restaurant.
Omakasa Tomaya.
Omakasa Tomaya is where we are.
I’m telling ya Darr, don’t get old because it’s a drag.
Uh, the guy gives me the bag, so I look in the bag and there’s the jalapeños and the appetizer very nice, just the way she likes it.
You’re a little shiny.
But other than the appetizer the food is frozen solid.
It’s uncooked.
Um, it’s a Japanese restaurant.
Uncooked is kind of their thing.
No. Uncooked meat.
Di… Diane, uncooked raw meat is nobody’s thing.
Plus, I got these two giant lobsters staring me in the face.
Lobster tails, Jackie.
Tails. Right.
Yeah.
So I say to the guy, “What’s up with this?” He says, “Well at the moment, we’re acting as a… as a wholesaler.
We’re giving you the food in bits and pieces. So they…
Yeah, they’re trying something new.
You can’t blame them for being innovative.
Innovative? Innovative is a ball point pen.
This is six o’clock traffic on the west side of Los Angeles.
I don’t know how to sashimi.
Okay.
I gotta do it myself?
Plus, I couldn’t understand a word he was saying.
That’s not… no.
[stammers] What? He’s Japanese.
Do not go there, Jackie.
What are you gonna put there?
No. You’re going…
[Darren] Diane, did you pack the peanut butter and jelly?
It’s on the table, sweetheart.
He had a lisp.
He did not have a lisp.
[Darren] These PB and J?
Yeah.
Diane, he had a big lisp.
Okay. Let’s go. We’re gonna be late.
Oh my God.
Plus a battery went out in my hearing aids.
I could only hear him on the left side of my face.
[Diane] Oh. He says it was the battery,
but really, he gets just… he gets shy, you know.
[Jack] But truth be told, we had a great meal.
[Diane] We did.
[Jack] Yes, we did.
Babe, what was that meat called?
[Diane] Wagyu beef.
[Jack] Wagyu beef.
Darr, they, they massage this beef.
There’s so much fat on it it’s scary.
[Diane] Somebody adjusted my mirrors.
I, I moved the car before.
Just stop doing that
every time you get in my car.
[Jack] Alright?
I moved the car a little bit.
[Darren] Hold on, Diane! Careful!
[Diane] I am being careful.
[Jack] Go, go, go, go easy.
[Darren] That’s my outbox!
[Diane] There are two men
telling me how to drive.
You almost hit my outbox!
[Diane] You would think I never drive by myself.
[percussive music]
[Diane] That’s a great shot.
Hey, Reggie.
Hey, Darren. How you doing, man?
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year to you too, buddy.
How’s your family?
They’re good.
Did you talk to Dr. Rosenbach?
Yeah, thanks for that, man.
He’s a nice guy.
Yeah, he is.
[table clanks]
Thanks.
[Diane] You want your thing?
I got it. I got it.
Mr. Barrenman?
[Darren] Just be careful.
[Diane] I am being careful.
[Darren] Hold on one second.
Mr. Barrenman.
[Darren] Mr. Toronkowski.
You’re early.
[Darren] Well of course I am,
I take this city seriously. Do you?
We’re off to a great start I see.
So, what is it today?
The trolley line on Broadway?
Uh, you’d like to bring back Broadway.
I would like a functioning low-cost
public trolley system… but, que sera.
Take a seat.
You’re a bit shiny.
The cards were in my pocket.
Mr. Barrenman! Take a seat.
I am sitting.
Not on the floor.
You sit!
I am sitting.
Whatever.
Just a little shiny here.
[Diane] You gonna wear those?
[Darren] I don’t know yet.
‘Cause I don’t know.
I haven’t made a decision.
You have a little bit of a shine.
I’m really hot.
[Diane] Well, you know, it is warm in here.
[Wayne] Here you go, DB.
You’re late.
Sorry, DB.
Where is this from, Wayne?
It’s from…
I know where it’s from. We’ve covered this.
These people, they bulldoze a green craftsmen
to make way for their signature brand store.
Right. Sorry, DB
Apologize to the hand-carved wainscoting.
It’s okay. It’s okay.
Hello, Diane.
Hi, Wayne.
Stop flirting with Diane.
Hi.
It’s makes her uncomfortable.
[Wayne] You look great.
[Diane] Thank you.
I like your ensemble. What does your shirt say?
“Looking for fun.” That’s a good way to live.
[Wayne] DB. Hey, DB. I gotta talk to you.
I can’t right now. I’m duty-bound.
I’m memorizing my lines.
They moved to the toilets, DB, the FBI.
Under the direction of the Annu-Nagi.
The lizards?
[gavel bangs]
Mm-hm.
The meeting will come to order.
A-plus work, Wayne. I’m really proud of you.
Thank you.
We’re gonna have to circle back.
It’s go time. Are you ready for this?
You got this!
Energy, Wayne!
Let’s do it!
Energy! Energy! Energy!
Energy! Energy! Let’s go!
C’mon!
Hurry up.
That’s right,
you’re gonna be great. Don’t worry.
You got this, buddy.
Mr. Barrenman, welcome back.
Happy New Year.
I see your entourage is in tow.
Shana Tova U’metuka, sir.
Rosh Hashanah was in September,
but I appreciate the thought.
Mazel Tov. Now according to my records,
this is my 577th consecutive visit
to your illustrious chambers, surpassing one Anvil Cretin.
Wayne. Anvil Cretin.
Uh, Anvil was a grocer, a rabbi…
Just pop it down Wayne. Point to the menorah.
…Rabbi like yourself.
Buried in Boyle Heights Jewish reform cemetery plot 1887.
Incidentally, this is very interesting.
1887, the same year John and Fred Woodbury
saw the rural suburb north of busy Pasadena
and hoping to add to the wealthy class already gathering there,
established… Alta Dena.
Great stuff.
Uh, history, as they say,
just the quote,
“Prelude to the alchemy of the future,” end quote.
No one has ever said that.
Actually, Steve, Christopher Marlowe
was known for saying…
I don’t care.
Okay.
Mr. President,
distinguished members of the council,
esteemed members of the gallery,
I have just finished a study of how we can make
the bus schedule great,
if not damn near perfect!
Wayne, hand those out.
Mr. Barrenman.
One to each, Wayne.
Uh. Mr Barrenman.
I’ve taken bus 47…
I’ve taken… I’ve… Way…
Wayne, no.
I’ve taken bus 474 a myriad of times, sir.
Have you?
Mr. Barrenman.
MTA drivers William, Sandra, Carlos.
They are killing it!
You’ve finished your allotted time, please sit down.
Sandra, by the way, just gave birth to twin boys!
I bet you didn’t know that.
Reggie. [whistles]
And her PO box is up there
in case you wanted to send her flowers
and water that dead heart of yours,
but of course there is no water, because there’s a drought.
But, anyway I’ve…
Mr. Barrenman!
…personally animating an homage,
Wayne, an homage to the late William Hanna,
whose hallowed studios, by the way, you bulldozed
to make way for Concrete Bunker Bob’s.
Route 54, with my proposed alterations backed by
um, uh, leading economists and a bunch of other people.
Mr. Barrenman, I think you should sit down now.
While you’re are project
And I would like a red trolley on a platter!
was cute in a very bizarre,
Have you ever even seen
unhinged sort of way,
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
now it is time for the adults to run the entire city!
Oh yeah. Blah. Blah
By burning it into the ground?
Reggie,
would you please escort Mr. Barrenman
Respect!
out of the chamber!
How about some goddamn respect
for our city!
[water splashing]
[water bubbling]
[water bubbling]
[ominous music builds]
[footsteps]
[music trill]
[wind blowing]
[telephone ringing]
[answering machine] Hey there, Los Angeles!
It’s Darren Barrenman,
and you’ve reached Awesome Aquatics.
Sorry I’m not here right now.
Have an awesome aquatical day.
[beep]
Hi Darr. It’s Sus.
Just checking in.
I know you had a rough day yesterday.
Thinking about you.
I’d really like to talk about us.
So, can you just knock on my door?
Okay. [kissing sound]
Bye. [phone disconnects]
[Darren v/o] Dear Erin,
Is it possible to meditate too hard?
What does it mean when you find yourself in a scary cave
being attacked by a tree?
I started meditating to push away the blues
but now I feel them coming back.
Speaking of blues, Susan’s sad.
And I don’t know why.
Maybe she doesn’t like Descanso Gardens.
I thought everybody liked flowers.
Also, I didn’t want to tell you this,
but I spent the night in jail.
I hit my friend Reggie in the face and was arrested.
When did my passion turn into rage, Erin?
When did I become a threat to my city?
Why don’t I know what to say to Susan to make her happy?
And what about this tree?
It looks like just a tree, but I think it’s more than that.
[sighs]
Thanks for listening, Erin.
You’re the best.
Yours, XX, DB.
[distant police siren]
[harp trilling]
Mr. Barrenman?
[newspaper rustling]
Yeah?
I’m June Del Rey,
executive assistant to Councilman Stephen Toronkowski.
Um…
Technically new executive assistant.
Yes. New executive assistant.
Yeah. Because apparently,
you’ve stolen Carol Hodgkin’s job?
I did not steal…
She’s been there 40 years, Ms. uh, uh, Ms. June.
Things change.
Well they shouldn’t.
Perhaps the fact that I was the one who bailed you out of jail
might change your tune.
Uh… It’s complicated because I like Carol but,
obviously, thank you.
Obviously you’re a woman of taste
and obviously, thank you for getting me out of jail.
He lost a molar.
I don’t follow.
Reggie.
Oh, shit, shit, shit!
[man] Hey, Darren!
Hi, Ji-hun!
I like Reggie. Reggie’s a good man.
The good news is, he’s not pressing charges.
[Darren sighs]
Reggie’s a good man.
Not Reggie. Stephen.
Right, right. Wait, what?
You made a threat of abuse and verbally assaulted him.
No. That is… No. No.
That’s civil harassment, Darren.
Well, no.
My point is it’s done.
Yeah. It is done. Yes. Thank you
You’re welcome. What are you doing here?
I need your help.
Um, while I can appreciate that he…
Um, I’m busy right now. so…
Stephen’s dirty.
I knew it!
This is about backroom deals.
This is about the bus schedule.
[woman] Hola, Darren!
Hola, Rosa!
[water splashing]
The audacity! The fucking gall!
This is about the councilman accepting bribes.
What a dick!
Stephen is a threat to our great city.
Yeah.
I need your help taking him down.
Yes! Yes, yes!
Like, whoa. Like undercover?
Yes.
Uh, I’m not really trained… Can I get back to you?
“Moody Mule Cavern Club, Saturday, high noon.”
What’s this Moody Mule about?
Only our city’s best kept secret.
I overheard a phone call between Stephen
and Theodore Hollandaise about the Very Venice Housing Project.
Teddy Hollandaise?
Dutch Group Teddy Hollandaise?
The property developer.
Property Satan behind the destruction of everything.
The Northford case study of Santa Monica.
Jorge Pavlur’s famed pupuseria?
Las Tortugas Verdes,
one of five remaining Monterrey…
Monterrey revival garden apartment complexes
modeled after The Garden of Allah.
Crescent Heights has never fully recovered.
I think Teddy is gonna hand Stephen money at the Mule.
For what? I don’t know.
But it’s got something to do with the housing project,
and I need you to find out.
[drumming]
[Diane] Darren?
[sighs] I’m sorry. I have to go feel things.
So, are… are you in or are you out?
Uh… mainly out, actually.
I really wanna see Old Toro get the axe,
it’s just… jail…
wasn’t great and scheduling stuff.
But definitely keep me in mind for future whatever
and thanks for, you know, so…
[scoffs] Can we talk about this inside,
please?
Who’s this?
Can we talk about this inside?
[Diane] A tree?
[muffled] Um, meditating,
and I ended up in a cave, and I saw a tree.
Okay. That’s important. Let’s stick with the tree.
Mm-hmm.
The trees roots grew deep into the unconscious
and could be buried memories.
Trauma perhaps.
Hmm.
Honey?
Yeah?
Is there something you’d like to tell me?
Oh my God.
Oh my God. I got it.
I’m climbing a tree into a canopy of lies, Diane.
I’m a… I’m a fugitive from the truth.
I’m a fugitive from, from reality.
Yes. Yes.
Right?
You very well could be running from something
in your past into a prison of denial.
I was personally thrown in jail, Diane.
In some sort of Sing Sing of the soul.
We need to come back to the tree.
Uh-huh.
It’s Jack Denisoff for Fred Specktor.
Yes. I’ll hold.
So I need you to be brave.
I need you to confront your fears and seek the tree.
[thudding]
[man] I’m sorry, Diane!
Okay?
Mm.
Having spent years and years worrying about everybody else,
the universe is now saying,
it’s time to take care of Darren.
To take care of that wounded little boy.
To shine the purifying light of insight on the hidden you
and find freedom.
It may be scary, but be brave.
[Jack] Here you go.
A little stomach therapy for the kiddos.
Who was that?
Who was who?
On the phone.
Oh. That was the restaurant. The Japanese restaurant.
Oh. No it wasn’t.
Yeah, I was trying to get my money back.
You called Fred again.
Di, Di. I love you baby,
but this documentary’s my way back in.
This is an opportunity, do you understand?
It’s, it’s…
Did, didn’t Susan talk to this guy about the polka music?
Cesar!
[banging]
Shut it will you?
You’re gonna wake up Lawrence Welk.
You haven’t spoken to your agent in 15 years.
That’s not true.
We exchange Christmas cards every year.
Oh, come on. This is serious.
Fred is serious. What are you talking about?
He was an agent before you were born.
Darren was jailed for God’s sake.
And this June girl?
Darren’s a pool man. He’s not a detective.
If she’s so concerned, why doesn’t she call the police?
Police? That’s all I need is the police, then the feds.
I’m gonna have…
Then, like J. Edgar Hoover
Oh God, Jack.
with Putin to tank my career.
You were never blacklisted, okay?
You made a bad investment.
What about ’87?
I’m ready to be brave, Diane!
The tree, jail, June.
Who’s June?
My passion isn’t a threat to Los Angeles.
All these signs are saying my passion will save Los Angeles.
Hmm.
And June is,
is shining her flashlight on my freedom.
I have to take this case.
No. No.
Yes!
Sweetheart, you are not a detective.
Didn’t David trust his slay against the mighty Goliath?
Darr-bear.
David and Goliath!
Yes!
That’s the title for our documentary!
Darren!
That’s the title of our documentary!
Darr-bear. Sit down.
I’ve gotta move, Diane!
The boy’s gotta move, let him move!
Jackie! This is not about you, okay?
This is Darren’s life.
D,
whatever concerns Darr, concerns me,
to the extent we have a business venture going.
Oh. How about a real paying job, Jack?
You mean your brother?
Yes. There’s nothing wrong with selling timeshares.
Ugh. In Scottsdale. You’re brother’s a schmuck.
C’mon, DD. Don’t take this away from me.
What would Erin do?
No. What does Darren need?
Frankly, to kick some ass, Diane!
Attaboy!
Jack, put a spit-shine on the equipment,
we need to be able to move with stealth and speed.
Aye-aye, captain!
Diane, work up a psych profile on Toronkowski.
Who is he? Why is he?
[Diane sighs]
[Jack] Mmm…
Jack, what am I tasting here?
This is my take on the Langer’s egg cream.
A little bit of cinnamon.
It’s brilliant!
It’s brilliant, right?
You love it too, right?
Mmm. It’s good.
Oh. Their fucking pastrami!
They’ve been there over 75 years!
Oh. Oh my God. What are you gonna do, Darr?
First Langer’s for the number 19.
And then what?
Pastrami party then we got some homework to do, Jack.
I like it.
[slurping]
[desk rattling]
[VCR clicking]
[TV] Gentleman, today
you can walk out that door,
turn right, hop a streetcar
and within 25 minutes end up smack in the Pacific Ocean.
Now you can swim in it and you can fish in it,
but you can’t drink it,
and you can’t irrigate an orange grove with it.
Now remember, we live next to the ocean,
but we also live on the edge of a desert.
Los Angeles is a desert community.
Beneath these buildings,
beneath our streets, it’s a desert.
And without water the dust will rise up
and cover us as though we never existed.
Now the Alto Vallejo can save us…
[jazz music]
[distant police sirens]
William.
[water trickling]
[knocking]
[lock clicking]
Well, I’ll be.
I’m in.
How did you know where I live?
A feeling.
Hmm. Feelings are good.
Totally.
Um, I like your ensemble.
I couldn’t decide between Dietrich or Desmond
so I opted for a blend.
Yeah, I get it.
I bought a couple different outfit options myself.
I was gonna go Guinness but the wool’s pretty scratchy.
This is my take on Cary Grant.
Oh. To Catch a Thief.
Yeah.
You coming in?
[light jazz music]
What’s in the briefcase?
Gifts.
I work in colored paper to express metaphor.
Diane says it’s a useful tool for my therapy.
Fascinating.
Los Angeles Conservancy.
Member since ’99.
Drink?
Water.
Makes sense. You are a pool man, no?
Yes and no.
Well, what is it that you do exactly?
I’m a pool man.
I also work in and around water,
and also the origami.
Hmm.
Tell me more.
Okay.
As you can see, the flashlight, you,
is shining its light on the Statue of Liberty, me,
vis-a-vis my freedom.
Ah, and the tree is, where’s the tree I saw?
A tree. I see.
What tree did you see?
A big one.
What do you think it means?
I don’t know.
Hmm.
Shall we consult the cards?
Yes! Great idea.
Magic cards?
[lid clinks]
Pick one.
Ah. Le bateleur.
The magician. What does it mean?
Points to your talent and untapped potential.
You’re in the midst of a transformation.
Something hidden wants to be revealed.
Whoa.
Shall we light a match?
For?
I was thinking we might burn the gifts.
Uh…
You know, a ritual.
No. Ab… No.
The… I made, these are for… they’re gifts.
How about instead, we burn a match,
and blow it out together?
That’s great. That way the origami can live,
and, I’ve never done a Statue of Liberty before.
Hmm.
[match hisses]
[blows]
[crowd crosstalk]
[light guitar music]
Ah. Buona sera, signorina Del Rey.
[smooch]
For you tonight?
[Italian] I would like a martini, very cold…
with three olives, and a little dirty.
Certo, signorina, certo.
And for signor?
Do you speak French?
No.
Um. I do.
Uh, an egg cream.
Cold. Cinnamon-sprinkled. Please.
Yes. Of Course.
[footsteps departing]
Your tiny coliseum makes sense now.
You speaking Italian.
If I can’t travel in my real life,
I might as well play pretend and visit Rome right here.
At Korean barbecue?
They do impromptu improv on Friday nights,
and I’ve known our server Tom for years.
He’s fluent in five languages
and happens to be a very talented actor.
That’s actually how we met.
We had a three episode arc on Bones.
Do you act?
Once upon a time.
I work at City Hall when I can because I like it,
but my passion really is costuming.
I love Paris.
Oh.
I’ve never been, but I’m supposed to go with Susan.
She used to act, too.
She does yoga now. Pilates.
Who is Susan?
She’s my girlfriend.
Ah.
Grazie.
Ah. Prego.
And for the gentleman.
This is great!
Please do enjoy.
Hm.
To Los Angeles.
[sighs]
To the Tonga people who settled here so long ago.
You are not forgotten.
To the lost.
And to the found.
[glasses clink]
It’s cold.
So why me, Miss Del Rey?
Why send me on Saturday and not the cops?
This needs to be discreet.
Like I can’t tell anybody?
We don’t know how far up the food chain this thing goes.
The feds?
Maybe.
Yeah.
And I’m more impressed by a man with a passion
than some boy and a badge.
Right.
Hm.
When I asked how you knew where I lived,
what did you say?
Uh, a feeling.
It felt right.
I think it’s something like that.
When I look at you, I feel less alone.
God. I’m gonna… I’m gonna say it.
I’m gonna say it,
I followed you home from the office.
It was too much. I am so sorry.
And Diane doesn’t trust you
and that’s gonna be an issue.
Who?
Darren, who is Diane?
She’s my best friend
and union analyst
and I need to run this whole thing by her
and I know you just said that I can’t tell anybody, but, can I?
I think we can make an exception.
[sighs]
Thank you, I was so nervous.
You know that feeling?
That is really, really, really good.
Yeah.
Can I trust you, Miss Del Rey?
I’m an informer Darren, not a hypocrite.
[guitar music]
[men singing in Spanish]
[engine revving]
[jazz music]
[shutter clicking]
[jazz music continues]
[shutter clicking]
[Darren v/o] Dear Erin,
What a difference a day makes!
I’m back!
Doing what I love and then some.
Long story short,
I’m temporarily a detective acting on behalf of
a confidential informant inside City Hall.
I’d tell you more about it,
but I do not want to put you in danger.
As for Susan, the more I think about it,
the more I know she’ll love Descanso Gardens.
Especially the sunflowers.
That’ll make her smile. I know it.
Love is back in the City of Angels, Erin!
How are you?
Yours, XX, DB.
[water splashes]
[water bubbling]
[water bubbling]
[ominous music building]
[wind blowing]
[water trickling]
[man] Hello, Darren!
[Jack] The thing I don’t know is,
who comes up with pie and burger?
Uh, the restaurant of the same name, Pie and Burger.
Yeah. I mean each one on its own an American treasure,
and you put them together,
the combination is, like off the charts.
You… Stop doing that.
We have to concentrate on the case.
You gonna get into that banana crème over there?
I’m saving it for later.
This tree, Jack. What did Diane say?
Diane said, uh, make sure we wear sunscreen.
No, the case, Jack.
It’s hot.
Tree, jail, June,
mansion, nurse, shadows.
Shadows.
Mansion, nurse, shadows.
Right.
I was doing children’s theater in Massachusetts one year
and I was playing the Wicked Wizard.
And we’re… We got a packed house of kids,
it’s on a Saturday afternoon.
And a biker came in.
Out of the blue. Big guy.
Sat right in the middle with the kids.
I mean, just in full regalia.
And, anyway, at the end of the play,
the Wicked Wizard falls over in the middle of the stage
like he’s dead.
And all the kids have to clap and go,
“We love you Wicked Wizard, we love you.”
We stole that from Petter Pan
and Tinkerbell and all that stuff.
Anyway, long story short, the guy leaves me an envelope.
In the envelope is a key that says 2A.
And an address in Cape Cod.
Now I was already planning to go to Cape Cod the next weekend.
So I stop. I didn’t think anything of it, you know?
I stop at this place, it’s a rooming house.
I go upstairs to 2A,
I open the door, nobody in there.
It was very mysterious,
and there was a closet, full of clothes,
a bag, and a nightstand.
And on the nightstand,
was a pack of matches, a butter knife,
and a chuck of hash the size of John Wayne’s fist.
In the note, it said,
“Keep ’em laughin’, Wicked Wizard.
See ya next season.”
I never did another season. But I had a great weekend.
Okay.
But, how did he know?
It’s like magical,
Uh…
that’s the thing with the tree.
Diane thinks there’s something that you want to tell us.
[radio] From NPR News…
Oh!
It’s Lakshmi Singh.
Lakshmi Singh! I love her.
Such a great voice.
Oh. It’s like velvet.
[radio] These aren’t fancy condos for the rich.
Shh.
This is affordable housing for Angelenos
desperate for a roof over their heads.
[Lakshmi] That was land developer Theodore Hollandaise
speaking today from the future site
of the Very Venice Housing Project,
set to break ground later this year.
The VVHP has long been a pet project
of City Council president Stephen Toronkowski.
From NPR News, I’m Lakshmi…
Oh, Shit!
Oh. Oh God!
[Jack] There’s Toronkowski.
[seagulls squawking]
Don’t look at him!
Shh. Shh.
And… 1, 2, 3, go!
Go!
[jazz music]
I gotta get Diane!
I know.
I gotta get the walkie-talkie.
I’ll get the pie.
[Jack] I don’t wanna litter. Take the paper.
Take… No, leave the paper, somebody will read it. C’mon!
You c’mon!
Alright, Where is he?
I don’t know.
He’s right here. C’mon!
Get down!
Get behind the clown!
Duck!
[Jack] I gotta call Diane!
Di, Di, Di! Diane! DD! Come in!
C’mere.
[radio static buzzing]
[Jack] Come in! We, uh, I hear you.
Loud and clear. We are coming to you.
Jack, hurry up!
Stay where you are.
Do you copy?
Keep your eyes on
Whoa. Look at that.
the black Rolls Royce.
Can she hear you?
Tell her to mess with the squelch.
[Jack] Mess with the squelch!
[Darren] Diane, What’s wrong?
Jackie.
Shoot.
[Diane] Check the battery.
Diane, start the car we gotta go!
[Jack] Did you bring the pie?
[jazz music]
[Darren] Stay down, stay quiet,
[Jack] Wait up, wait up. For crying out loud.
Jack! Right here.
Stay down!
Get right here!
[Darren] June said it was Saturday at the Mule,
but I bet he’s meeting Teddy Hollandaise
here right now!
I’m starving!
[shutter clicking]
Diane, did you bring the fruit cups?
No, I did not bring the fruit cups.
Let’s see. The light’s going.
What the fuck is this?
This thing might be out of batteries.
Jack, what’s that?
No. Here it is.
Jack, what’s this?
No. That’s the… that’s… that’s the focus.
Here you go detective!
What are you doing here?
Susan said you guys might be out here.
We took a bus at eight this morning.
How, how, how are you two knowing each other?
Uh. Pilates intensive in the marina.
Where’s this from, Wayne?
We’ve got some action. Who’s that?
[Darren] Who are these two goons?
[Wayne] What are we looking at?
[Jack] Bad guys, Wayne.
This is good.
[shutter clicking]
I got it.
[Diane] Just as music is the space between the notes,
and the stars are beautiful
because of the space between them.
And just as the sun strikes raindrops at a certain angle,
and throws a prism of color across the sky,
so the place where I exist and want to keep existing,
and to be quite frank, I hope I die in,
is exactly this middle distance,
where despair struck pure otherness
and created something sublime.
[Jack] There’s a gun! He’s got a gun.
A gun!
Just calm down.
Oh my God!
This is good for the doc.
Okay. We gotta do something.
Wayne!
I’m gonna try and shoot these guys and save the councilman!
Wayne, put the gun down!
Wayne! Susan!
Okay. Susan, I don’t think it’s safe for you here right now.
Or you Diane.
Jack, we have got to get the women to safety.
Oh, fuck off!
Get fucked!
Susan and I will infiltrate and take out the targets.
Are you two dating?
Are you?
Are you two dating?
[Jack mumbling]
No, we’re not dating.
Then why can’t Susan and I infiltrate?
You know, sometimes I think you don’t even see me.
I see you all the time.
Except Wayne’s big face is blocking me.
Let Susan speak.
I have let Susan speak.
Thank you, Diane.
[Jack] Somebody look at this.
Do you even know what it is I do?
We’re on a stake…
Uh, you’re, you are an apartment manager.
You manage the Tiki.
And?
And, you’re really good at it.
No!
No.
I also happen to run
a very successful pilates studio, Darren!
[Jack] Will somebody look at what’s going on?
Duh. Yoga. Right?
Okay. This is exactly what I’m talking about.
This is what she’s saying, Darr-bear.
Look over here.
I will look at it if you just give me a second
to process whats happening.
Will you pay attention to what happening?
You want a megaphone?
Hey, I’m trying to work here. Your life.
[Jack] They’re doing business there.
[Darren] Whoa. Is that the bribe, Jack?
I know these guys.
From the city council.
Yes.
Yes.
They shushed me with their eyes.
The bastards!
[shutter clicking]
[jazz music]
There’s a clue right there, Jack.
[Jack] It’s incriminating evidence.
Let’s go! C’mon!
Everybody. Grab your stuff. Let’s go.
[jazz music]
Stop touching Susan, Wayne.
[Jack] C’mon.
[Wayne] I was just helping.
No, you’re not.
Yes, I am.
You’re touching her inappropriately.
Darren. Bring it down.
I just touched her shoulder.
Don’t…
[Wayne] Why are you so upset?
[jazz music continues]
You look like a young Robbie Redford
behind that camera.
Oh yeah?
[Diane] Yeah.
[Jack] Yeah, baby.
[Diane] Yeah, you did.
We made love.
[Diane] Oh.
How did this happen?
Wayne came looking for you after your fiasco
at the council meeting, and, uh, he found me.
But we have tickets to Descanso Gardens.
I knew there was something different.
You’re glowing.
I’m here too, thank you.
Oh.
Susan.
I just can’t help but think of Samir.
[sighs]
Samir? Chicken Samir?
Dead chicken Samir.
They were friendly. Did you know that?
He really listened.
Is this about me not listening?
He was just a great listener.
[sighs] I know it”s been years, but I still feel his love.
It’s still… It’s in me.
I hope you can find it in your heart
to hold both my love
and his love for me, and our love.
I love you for you, sweet sweet,
and I’ll love Samir, too.
I love you.
I love you, too.
What about Darr?
Okay. How does this make you feel, sweetheart?
Well,
I have feelings in my heart.
Yeah.
Um. I’m sorry, Darr!
I’m happy for you.
Yeah?
I think, I think you just need to figure some things out
before you can hold space for someone else.
I’m spacious!
He’s spacious for crying out loud!
I’m spacious!
[Diane] Jack, Jack, please.
Yes. Sweetheart, you are, it’s just…
Can we still be friends, DB?
[inhales deeply]
I’m happy for you.
I’m happy for Susan.
Wayne, dear. Anything else you’d like to say?
We’re moving to Palm Springs?
[Darren pouts]
Buying a food cart.
No. Dig deeper, Wayne.
[sobbing] No. He’s right.
Council did widen the permit market.
It’s a great thing for the city.
Those are good tears, sweetheart.
[sobbing] Are you sure?
They just feel like sad ones, Diane.
So what are you gonna do now?
I don’t know.
Probably read some Brene Brown or Esther Prout.
Book some more time with Diane.
I have Sunday at three open.
Sunday’s no good.
I have a double bill at the Egyptian.
Monday at noon?
Yeah, that’s probably better. Thanks.
I meant, what are you gonna do about your case?
Ah! That is privileged information, Wayne!
Information I would have shared with you literally.
But now, irregardless of your boundary-crossing, probably not.
[footsteps depart]
[Diane exhales]
Really?
[banging]
[Darren v/o] Dear Erin,
Well, the blues came back.
[opera music]
Turns out, I’m a better pool man than I am a boyfriend.
So, I’m gonna clean my pool.
And even though I’m kind of scared to see the tree again,
maybe you could tell me why…
[water splashing]
I’m not spacious.
I do have an extra ticket to Descanso Gardens.
Have you been?
Love is, well, hard, Erin.
Yours, XX, DB.
[ominous music]
[water trickling]
[ominous music builds]
[Lizard] Hello, Darren.
I’ve been expecting you.
[Darren] You have?
[Lizard] I want to show you the secret things.
[Darren] You wanna help me solve the case?
[Lizard] You must remember.
[Darren] Remember what?
[Lizard] It’s time to remember.
[Darren] I heard you the first time.
[Lizard] The tree.
[answering machine beeps]
[Diane] Hi, Darr-bear,
I wanted to make sure that everything’s okay.
I just want to remind you to take care of your self.
To take car of Darren. Okay, sweetheart.
[Jack] Is that Darr?
I left a little stomach therapy for ya on your doorstep.
Feel better, buddy.
[knocking on door]
We’re closed. Thank you. Goodbye.
Darren, it’s June.
I can’t really see you right now.
Open the door.
Um, it’s been a really long day.
Could we do this tomorrow?
No. We need to do this right now.
I… I have a couple more chapters to finish in my book
and then I have to do the worksheets,
so, thank you, goodbye.
Are you okay?
I’m great.
There’s a lot to fill you in on. The case is basically solved.
Really?
Yes, really.
Excuse me? You’re gonna… You’ll ruin my photos.
You’re bringing light into my darkroom!
Go back outside.
Darren. This is not a joke.
Duh.
These people,
this whole situation, is very serious.
[scoffs] Susan broke up with me and then I nearly got shot.
Yes, it’s serious.
Your job is the Mule.
That’s it. You got it?
No more tailing people.
I haven’t been tailing people.
Yes, you have.
No, I haven’t.
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Darren.
I have therapy twice a week
and my work schedule and everything.
Stephen saw you.
No, he didn’t.
Yes, he did.
Nuh-uh.
I saw you, Darren.
What? When?
When I was visiting my mother.
My mother…
My mother’s very sick.
She’s dying.
Oh.
I didn’t know that.
I didn’t know. I’m so, I’m so sorry.
She’s in good hands.
So, the shadowy guy in the mansion?
My uncle. It’s his house.
A 1924 Wallace Neff design
in the foothills of the San Gabriels, it’s…
beautiful.
Can I hug you?
Would that be okay?
Um, I mean,
I just broke up with someone, but…
I need you, Darren.
You’re the only man I can trust.
Without you I feel so alone.
Let’s finish what we started.
Together.
Lay low until the Mule.
Alright?
Mm-hm.
I’m already losing someone close to me.
My heart can’t take much more.
[smooch]
[light whimsical music]
[door closes]
[exhales]
[exhales]
[timer dings]
[jazz music]
Gotcha!
[tense music]
[munching]
Can I help you?
Darren Barrenman for Theodore Hollandaise.
Is he expecting you?
I don’t know. Is he?
[munching]
Mr. Hollandaise, there’s a Mr….
Barrenman.
Barren-man here to see you.
He’ll be with you in a moment.
I’ll be right here.
[door opens]
I just played the ninth hole the entire time!
The ninth hole. Ha!
Teddy, you’re too much, man.
[Theodore] Ah. Mr. Barrenman.
Allow me to introduce Mr. William Van Patterson,
CEO of Van Patterson Farms
and our angel investor for the Very Venice Housing Project.
Bill, meet Mr. Barrenman.
Mm-hm.
Mr. Barrenman is, uh…
I’m sorry, what is it that you do?
Pool man.
Great almonds, by the way.
Oh, thank you.
They’re from my farms in the San Joaquin.
Those are Bill’s gifts.
The marinade? Inspired.
It’s wasabi.
I taste honey.
Ah. A keen palate.
It’s a family recipe. I can send you some if you like.
More interested in that recipe, Bill.
Well, unfortunately, that must remain a secret.
Mm. Yeah, the secret thing.
Uh-huh. Sure.
Bill, great to see you.
Okay. Let’s do some tennis next week.
Oh. Sounds good, Dutch. Sounds good.
Mr. Barrenman, I will be right with you.
[door opens/closes]
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future
to a known God.
[jazz music]
[engine starting]
What?
[engine humming]
Look, sweetheart!
It’s just like Chinatown!
[mouths words]
Okay.
Water?
Mr. Hollandaise is ready for you now.
[jazz music continues]
[Darren] Let’s do this!
[door creaking open]
Ah, Mr. Barrenman.
Please, close the door, make yourself comfortable.
[door thuds]
[case rattling]
How can I help you?
[latches click]
Brought you a gift.
Well, thank you.
Samurai warriors were know to have exchanged gifts
before battle, so I brought one.
I did not know that.
It’s a canoe.
Do you believe in synchronicity, Mr. Barrenman?
I do.
Dave’s Dogs. Pilot for FOX.
I played Dave, hot dog vendor. It was my big break.
[laughs] I was just a boy who majored in musical theater
and came to LA with a big dream.
But dreams die, don’t they, kid?
No. I don’t think they do. No. No.
Cut to three years later, I am living in my car,
showering at a park off Lancashire,
wondering who the hell I am.
Why am I here? What is my purpose in life?
Then, bang!
God divined I see five words.
Five words that changed my life.
We. Buy. Houses. For. Cash.
I called that number on that flyer
and I asked the voice at the other end of the line for a job.
A job.
And now?
Now I am that voice at the other end of the line.
[laughs]
And maybe you are that sad man,
washing himself in the park off Lancashire,
wondering who the hell you are.
[case clicking]
[smack]
Call me paranoid, Dutch,
but it sure looks like you’ve hired two goons
to bribe Los Angeles City Council President
Stephen Toronkowski.
And if I were a betting man,
I’d say that the Very Venice Housing Project
was gonna run into some very well-placed red tape.
Poof! There goes the mixed-income housing and,
ta-dah!
In comes another bougie country club for the rich.
Am I getting warm?
You’re ice cold, you’re paranoid,
and you’re a lousy gambler.
This is not a bribe, Darren.
This is the truth.
Stephen Toronkowski is not what you think he is.
Is he a lizard?
Excuse me?
Humanoid shape-shifter.
No.
He’s hiding a secret at the Moody Mule.
[gasps]
Stephen represents San Marino and old money.
He summers with the Bohinis.
Get it?
Okay, but…
what about the money bribe you’re doing at the Mule?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
But didn’t Stephen at the racetrack, did…
Darren, you know, I like you, I really do.
If you’re ever looking for a real job,
you know where to find me.
It’s been a pleasure.
Thank you for the canoe.
Oh.
[case clicking]
[funky music]
[audience crosstalk]
[Dorothy] I’m gonna be the laughingstock
of the ladies on Sullivan Lane!
[audience laughing]
[Rose] Hi, Girls how’s everything going?
[Stephen] Awful.
Curt Ferguson is canceled
so we don’t have an MC for the talent show.
[audience laughing]
[Rose] Would it help if I got Bob Hope to be our MC?
[Dorothy] How are you going to get Bob Hope?
Easy. He’s my father.
Rose, honey, do you still actually believe that?
Believing that’s got me through
some really rough times, Blanche.
Whenever I have a problem that I can’t solve, I,
I always write a letter to Bob Hope,
and suddenly I don’t feel so alone.
All my life, I’ve always felt that he was there for me.
So I know he won’t let me down now.
Oh. I don’t know whether to cry, or commit you.
[audience laughing/cheering]
[Stephen laughs]
[audience cheering]
[audience murmuring]
[footsteps departing]
Thank you. Thank you!
Give me a few minutes and it’s cocktail hour.
Yes. Tonight was a victory.
Oh. I could do this forever.
Let me get on Mr. Flower Robe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[sighs] Oh, yes.
Okay. First entrance, late.
[dramatic music]
Excuse me?!
Darren?
Where are they? I know about the payoffs.
Darren. What…
Councilman,
where are those two dudes with the briefcase.
Where is the money?
I don’t what you’re talking about.
Oh, you do, too. C’mon.
Hollandaise, the housing project, payoffs.
Connect four!
I win! You lose!
What?
It’s not that complicated, Steve, okay?
This is a nightmare.
No. Uh, you know what’s a nightmare?
Trying to make your way to fucking San Anita
in rush hour traffic.
You followed me.
Of course I did. You knew this.
I did not know that.
What do you… June told me.
June?
That you knew.
Why are you talking to June?
That’s classified, thank you.
So you were following me.
I just told you that.
I know that you knew that you knew that.
I didn’t.
You didn’t?
No.
Oh. Well… [sighs]
Darren. Darren. Darren.
Okay, but…
Look, I don’t know how you’ve gotten yourself
caught up in this, but you need to leave
and trust that I have the best interest
of Angelenos in my heart.
You’re a liar!
Darren, my family.
Oh, I know, the Bohinis, blah, blah, blah.
No, no. I’ve never been able to tell them
and I don’t think they would understand.
I don’t think the Bohinis care.
No. My family.
I want to be able to tell them myself.
Then, go tell them.
In your own time. No rush.
What do you… I don’t…
What do you think I’m doing here?
Are you going to out me?
As Blanche?
Yeah.
Never.
This makes you, like, infinitely more vibey
than a rabbi moonlighting as City Council President. No.
Definitely do this, but you are,
in conjunction with being vibey,
also in tandem, a corrupt politician!
[Stephen panting]
You’re right.
Yeah.
I am?
Look, I, I respect you.
You, what?
You have courage. I envy you.
[distant music thumping]
That’s very nice of you to say, thank you.
I’d like to do better.
I’d like to change.
The only way to change the world is if you actually try.
I really want to try.
I’ve had a really hard week.
Me too.
There’s a tree that’s stalking me and a lizard.
I’m not sure what to do.
Therapy.
Mm. I have therapy twice a week with Diane.
Maybe medication.
I’ve… I’ve tried everything.
Prozac, Zoloft.
I just get depressed,
sad sometimes and I can’t pull myself out.
Me too.
And anxiety. I have a lot of anxiety.
Do you have that, too?
Terrible.
[Darren sighs]
I write letters to Erin Brockovich.
Do you know her?
I know the movie.
Julia Roberts played her.
Yeah. Isn’t she wonderful?
Wonderful.
Isn’t she beautiful?
Yeah. Beautiful woman.
[laughs]
[Darren laughs]
I write her a letter… letter every day.
Er, Erin. Not Julia.
Not Julia.
It makes me feel less alone.
Sometimes I feel really alone.
Though I do have Jack and Diane and Susan.
[sighs]
Not Susan. She’s with Wayne.
They made love.
I feel alone sometimes, too.
Well, I certainly did growing up.
It’s hard not fitting in.
I sent her flowers, you know.
Sandra.
Uh, she loves the white camellias.
Bus driver Sandra?
Bus driver Sandra.
She had a very difficult pregnancy.
I didn’t know that.
I’m sorry, Darren.
I’m sorry I’ve been so mean.
I’m sorry I’ve been so mean.
Will you forgive me?
Yeah.
Will you forgive me?
Always.
Can I hug you? Would that be okay?
Yeah.
Yeah.
[Stephen inhales deeply]
Okay.
[cries] You were great by the way.
Oh, thank you.
No, thank you.
You really, you’re a wonderful actor,
but I’m just gonna kinda come out and say it,
are you in cahoots with Teddy Hollandaise?
No. No, Dutch is a bad man
and when you read the Tribune next week you’ll find out why.
Can I just, can I just find out now?
This has nothing to do with the housing project, Darren.
Nothing at all.
You must remember this:
Los Angeles is a desert community.
Beneath this building,
beneath every street there is a desert,
and without water, dust will rise up
and cover us as though we never existed.
Chinatown?
Yeah.
[silenced gunshot]
[labored breaths]
No! No!
[man] Barrenman! Catch!
Ah!
[man] Good Luck, pool boy!
[door slams shut]
No. No.
Follow the water.
[pulsating music]
[police sirens]
[percussive music]
[police sirens]
[door rattles]
[opera music]
[panting]
[water rushing]
[Stephen] You must remember this.
[Diane] The only way to change the world
is by actually trying.
[Stephen] I feel all alone sometimes, too.
Purifying light of the…
You must remember this.
[Susan] I think you need to figure some thing out.
[Stephen] Follow the water.
[June] I feel less alone. You need to transform.
[Diane] The tree, Darren.
You must remember this.
[Diane] You remember about the tree.
[Lizard] It’s time, Darren.
[Darren] I don’t think it is. No.
[Lizard] Oh, yes. It’s time.
[Darren] No. No.
[silence]
[wind blowing]
[birds chirping]
[woman] I’m so sorry.
You alright?
Honey?
What, what happened?
Hey, buddy boy.
You gave a scare out there.
[telephone ringing]
I’m gonna, I’m gonna get that.
Jack!
It might be Fred.
C’mon. Don’t you dare.
It might… It could be Fred.
[crying] I’m really scared, Diane.
I know, Darr-bear.
They killed Blanche.
[Jack] Hello?
[Diane] What?
They killed Blanche.
Hey.
Who’s Blanche?
The councilman. They shot him. He’s dead.
Oh my God.
Oh.
And my prints are on the gun.
What?
It’s bad.
Jack! Get off the phone.
We have to call the police.
Just a second, hon.
What happened to my pool?
‘Cause I came back and the pool was empty, and then…
Jack! Now!
Eh, look, look, no. Just a second, baby.
The tree. What about the tree?
Tell him I don’t want it.
I’m supposed to remember something,
Tell him to go to hell.
but what am I supposed to remember?
What do I do, Diane? What do I do?
I don’t, I don’t know.
I’m scared, Diane.
Jack! Now.
You know, Diane’s never really seen the canals,
so I’m gonna take this all the way to Venice.
And then some sort of talking iguana lizard.
That could be a warning about a deception.
A sign of violence.
No!
It was like an actual lizard that was talking!
[Jack] Ha, ha, ha, ha.
That was Fred.
He got me an offer to direct a sitcom
at 75 thousand an episode.
Jack! What?
Ha. Yeah.
Jack!
You bet!
That’s…
Fred. I turned him down.
You what?
I turned him down.
Well, call him back!
I can’t. I fired him.
No.
Yes.
No, no, no, no, no!
Yeah. Diane, this is the story I wanna tell.
I believe in us.
You believe in yourself.
I believe in my boy!
This has always been about you, but guess what?
This is about Darren.
He’s wanted for the murder of Councilman Toronkowski.
[Darren crying]
Did you kill him, son?
No!
No!
They framed him!
[Jack] Oh, shit!
We have a third act!
[sighs] I’m calling the police.
I gotta call Fred!
Jack, what’s that?
[Jack] That, that’s, uh, that’s some B-roll from the,
the housing project I stuck in the trailer.
It’s a water truck.
[Jack] Right. It’s a water truck.
So what?
Don’t you see? Stephen was right!
There’s water in this desert and it’s right beneath us!
Right beneath the Very Venice Housing Project.
Wait a minute, June’s necklace. The coliseum!
It’s June!
And that guy from Hollandaise’ office.
[Jack] What? You mean…
[Darren] June and Van Patterson.
So, wait a minute, this Van Patterson guy
is using the truck to take the water out of the ground
and taking it somewhere.
Why?
Well, I don’t know.
Why do bad guys do bad things?
Why did, why did Cain kill Abel?
Abel was a better farmer.
No. Abel was the shepherd, Cain was the farmer.
No. No, no, I beg to differ. Abel was the farm…
Jack, your biblical references are always wrong.
What did you say about lizards, Diane?
They, they can symbolize a potential betrayal or deception.
Ah!
I’ve been hoodwinked.
Sweetheart!
[grunts]
I know it’s dangerous,
but I got myself into this,
and I gotta get myself out.
I love you!
Darr…
I gotta go save Los Angeles!
[door closes]
[forceful knocking]
Oh. Darren!
You’re a lizard!
Excuse me?
I don’t speak lizard,
so you’re gonna have to translate.
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
You set me up!
I would never set you…
You wanted me at the Mule.
You knew they were gonna kill him!
Kill who?
Your boss, Blanche!
What?
Oh, you knew this!
Evil real estate agents
assassinated him in his dressing room.
Are you even listening to yourself?
Admit it! You started this whole thing.
You get Carol Hodgkins fired,
you send me to the cabaret show,
which was phenomenal, by the way,
so thank you, firstly, secondly, to my point,
you put me in a position to kill your boss.
Let me clarify, I did not kill your boss.
But I was there
when the gun flew into my hands from offstage.
The perfect patsy.
And then I hold this beautiful man,
this talented, theatrical artist in my arms
while he traveled off to Valhalla.
This is, this is madness!
You’re a lizard!
You are in bed with Van Patterson!
He’s my father!
[breathes heavily]
He’s my father.
My mother worked for him.
He was married and they fell in love
and I was the accident.
He takes care of us.
He always has.
He put Mother up in a giant house and,
so long as we kept quiet…
and then Mother got sick and Father had…
He’s after the water, Darren.
Stephen was along for the ride
until his conscience caught up with him
and he said he was gonna go to the press and Father,
Father threatened me.
If I didn’t help Father, If I didn’t…
silence Stephen,
Father would have let Mother die.
And as for Teddy Hollandaise,
[sniffs]
the Very Venice Housing Project was just a front.
Father needed to get to the water
without inviting prying eyes.
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Yes.
Yes, of course.
I’ll be right there.
Oh.
Oh.
I have to go. It’s Mother, she’s…
Oh, Darren.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
Hm.
[sighs] Ah.
[door opens/closes]
Whoa.
We’re gonna protect her.
[munching]
Honey and wasabi.
Hm.
[munching]
Honey and wasabi.
Almonds.
[tense music]
[pop]
[screams]
Ah! Uh… uh…
[sounds of struggle]
Almonds, almonds,
almonds grow on trees!
Cain!
[funky music]
[police sirens]
Oui.
No.
[police sirens]
[police] Hey you! Stop!
After him!
Stop the moped!
[engine racing]
[tires squealing]
[officer calls it in on radio]
[funky music continues]
[muffled screams]
[William grunts]
Darren! Wh… What are you…
No!
[June screams]
Aah!
Do not do that! No!
[June] What are you doing here?
[Darren] No!
You’re safe now. I got you.
You shouldn’t have come here, Mr. Barrenman.
Yeah, no shit!
You’re pretty scary, but guess what?
Here I am and I’m ready to be brave.
What are you blathering about?
Lady Liberty does not fuck around!
Her fire is bright,
it is all-consuming, and it reveals.
It reveals the secret things.
You’re gonna shoot this old woman in the head
before you escape to Mexico!
Or the Coliseum.
Your almonds were the bifocals in the pool.
You know the incredible thing
about the Coliseum, Mr. Barrenman?
That it was built on a lake?
Yes, there is that, yes.
That the emperor and his consort had
a private entrance on the top
and put all the poor people down at the bottom?
Enough!
You have unraveled absolutely zero.
Nothing.
You put on your little swimmies,
and you waded out in the deep end with the adults,
and now you’re drowning right before our eyes.
And just for the sake of watching
your tiny little bird brain implode,
this woman here is my wife.
June, is my lover.
I’m killing my wife because I don’t like her very much.
She’s rich,
and she’s holding the deed to an almond farm
that I very much want for myself.
It’s as simple as that.
You’re a dickhead!
You’re a dickhead,
and guess what?
I have seen Chinatown, okay?
I have seen it pretty recently and I know how it ends.
You don’t have to do this.
You don’t have to marry you father.
Firstly, it is so gross.
And B, you are a smart,
beautiful, independent woman and, yeah!
I love you!
[laughing] Okay?
You kissed me.
We were caught up in the moment,
because our love is big!
And I have space for you!
In my heart.
This is not going to be easy.
But we could start over. I don’t know, maybe…
We could move to Palm Springs.
I, I’d get a food cart, start selling my origami.
You design costumes. Anything’s possible!
I don’t love you, Darren.
I know you’re saying that because he’s still right here.
[jazz music]
I don’t love you.
I never have loved you.
I never will love you.
Huh?
You’re a simple person.
Simple and tragic.
You see, people like me eat people like you.
You’re not even an appetizer, Darren.
You are an amuse-bouche.
So it’s not Chinatown?
No.
It’s not.
It’s life.
Couldn’t have put it better, myself, love.
[groans] Shut up Bill. Let’s get this over with.
Sure.
Goodbye, Darren.
Goodbye forever.
[gunshot]
[June screams]
Agent Dirk Pfumpter, FBI.
Wayne?
Bernice Tuttle,
Bill Van Patterson, you’re under arrest.
Bernice?
I’m bleeding, here! Someone help me.
I’ve been undercover investigating Bill and Bernice
and their good buddy Teddy Hollandaise for
a couple years now.
The two of them have been trucking water
from the world’s largest undiscovered desert aquifer,
up to the Van Patterson almond farms in San Joaquin.
Having bribed, conspired, stolen, murdered…
[Jack] Open up a little there, to the camera, Wayne.
Open this way.
What do you mean?
Open up to the camera. Open up.
Up? What do you mean open up?
Like in other words, move this way.
Like this?
Yeah,
and take it back from “bribed.”
From “bribed.”
And then maybe glasses off on “murdered.”
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Having bribed, conspired, stolen and murdered,
Good!
they were able to ink a deal that gave them control of
the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power.
Ah, ya! Stick it!
It was only a matter of time before our pipes reversed course
and sent this precious agua back up the 5 North.
Turn off.
Boss, we gotta move.
Cuff ’em up and ship ’em out.
Cuff me up. Cuff me up.
[June sighs]
Unbelievable.
Got it? Huh? Oh, is that all you got?
Just watch the bracelets, will you?
I know you had your batteries.
[William groans]
[cuffs clicking]
You know, it wasn’t all acting.
[radio chatter]
Hey, Dirk?
Yeah, DB?
How did Jack and Diane know?
I told them.
You deserve a good ending to your film.
And Dirk?
Yeah, DB?
What about Susan?
I love her.
In real life?
In real life.
Take her to Paris, will ya?
She’s taking me.
And DB?
Yeah, Dirk?
You did good.
You may be a pool man,
but you’re also one hell of a detective.
And you’re also my best friend.
[triumphant music]
[footsteps departing]
[Darren sighs]
[Darren v/o] I remember.
I remember a tree.
It was a giant tree.
It was so big it had no top and no bottom.
She put me there, beneath the tree
and walked away.
I looked up, there was wind in the branches,
the light of the sun.
And I realized I was alone.
I’d been left all alone.
[“Bridge Over Troubled Waters” by Jim Neighbors]
♪ When you’re weary ♪
♪ Feeling small ♪
♪ When tears are in your eyes ♪
Dear Erin,
Sometimes, it’s hard to feel different.
To feel all alone.
But then a tree comes
and tells you that it’s time to forgive.
Time to let your heart grow bigger
and more spacious.
To let the family that swam in your pool
tell you they love you just the way you are.
I have my family, Erin.
And if love is alive,
what’s there to be afraid of?
Thanks.
Thanks for everything.
Yours, XX, DB.
[Wayne onscreen] …Having bribed, conspired,
stolen and murdered,
they were able to ink a deal for control of the
Los Angeles Department of Water and Power.
It was only a matter of time
before our pipes reversed course
and sent this precious aqua back up the 5 North.
Cuff ’em up and ship ’em out.
[music onscreen]
[Jack] Mm?
It’s good.
But the kid?
He’s not playing with a full deck is he?
Watch your mouth, Fred.
Domiemi called.
They’re offering a deal at 5 percent.
You remember that sitcom I told you about?
It’s still barking.
Ooh!
[smooch]
[applause and cheers]
[applause]
Darren, would you please stand and approach the mic?
[Darren sighs]
[microphone feedback]
Darren, on behalf of the City of Los Angeles,
we would like to thank you.
We, the city council,
have voted unanimously to create a new full-time position for you
as a special officer of the court.
Ladies and Gentleman, it is with great pleasure
that I present to you, Darren Barrenman,
Policy Supervisor and Preservation Deputy
for the Office of Change and Beauty!
[applause]
[Jack] That’s my boy!
[applause]
Can’t do it, Jang!
Uh, firstly, I am surprised to see you and you pals here.
I thought maybe you’d be in jail,
but clearly the song remains the same.
B, I have a job, I’m a pool man.
[man] Yeah, Darren.
Thanks, Kenny, I appreciate that.
I’d like to start with an apology.
I’m sorry, Reggie,
I’m sorry I knocked your tooth out.
I feel badly about that.
Thanks, Darren.
I also want to tell you about the real Councilman
Stephen Toronkowski.
Who was deeply, deeply vulnerable,
and in his final moments atoned with such grace and depth.
He was generally just incredible and so gifted theatrically.
I wish you could have seen him.
Finally, I’d like to talk about trolleys.
We need them. Red ones.
Everywhere.
And we’re gonna work on that.
Mm-hm.
Meantime, I’ve just finished a study of how we can make the bus schedule great, if not damn near perfect! As you know…
[“Los Angeles Blues” by Peggy Lee]
♪ If you have sunshine And beaches ♪
♪ How can that be so hard ♪
♪ And maybe oranges And grapefruit ♪
♪ Growing in your own backyard ♪
♪ If you have mountains And the ocean ♪
♪ And a great, big smiling sky ♪
♪ There’s very little That is blue here ♪
♪ So the blues pass Los Angeles by ♪
♪ Everybody has a barbecue ♪
♪ Everybody’s goin’ Swimming, too ♪
♪ With that kind of living How can you be blue? ♪
♪ So the blues pass Los Angeles by ♪
♪ Oh, you can go to a mountain And ski down the side ♪
♪ Go to a beach And take a surfboard ride ♪
♪ The city of Angels Has a lot of pride ♪
♪ But the blues Have passed it by ♪
♪ And oh, the folks are nice In this tropical clime ♪
♪ Although they talk about The weather lots of the time ♪
♪ They call it unusual If the rain comes down ♪
♪ They don’t believe in blues In this old town ♪
♪ You can go to the desert In an hour or two ♪
♪ Where the sun and the sand Are so good for you ♪
♪ Where living’s that easy How can you be blue ♪
♪ Yes, the blues Have passed it by ♪
♪ Oh, you can live in the valley Where the grass in green ♪
♪ Or you can live on a hill With a view to be seen ♪
♪ The people do say That on a real clear day ♪
♪ You can see Catalina Though it’s pretty far away ♪
♪ Oh, you can watch the Rams Or Angeles or the Dodgers play ♪
♪ On a sunny California Smog-free day ♪
♪ If the boys are winning It’s easier to say ♪
♪ That the blues pass Los Angeles by ♪
♪ Yeah, pass right on by ♪
♪ Took a look at the sky ♪
♪ And they passed it by ♪
[funky music]
