Old Dads (2023) | Transcript

Director: Bill Burr
Writers: Bill Burr, Ben Tishler
Stars: Bill Burr, Bobby Cannavale, Bokeem Woodbine

Jack Kelly (Bill Burr), Connor Brody (Bobby Cannavale) and Mike Richards (Bokeem Woodbine) are best friends, business partners and old dads. After agreeing to sell their throwback sports apparel company, they’re excited to punch their tickets to the lives they’ve always dreamed of. But when the company is made over by an eccentric new millennial CEO (Miles Robbins), Jack’s anger boils over, creating a series of crises at work, home and his son’s ultra-progressive preschool. In the aftermath, Jack and his fellow old dads must fight to win back their families and self-respect on an unlikely quest that takes them from Palm Desert casinos to strip clubs to the e-scooter riddled streets of Los Angeles.

* * *

[electric guitar note plays]

[instrumental rock music playing]

[man 1] This is the best part of my day, every day.

I always wanted to be a dad. It just took 46 years for it to happen.

When people ask me why, I tell ’em to fuck off.

Or I just say I hadn’t met the right woman yet.

Ah, there she is. Leah.

Got the second one in the oven, and she still looks great.

According to her, the reason I got such a late start is because I had an unhappy childhood.

But I’m not gonna whine about it.

That’s what vegans do.

I’m just gonna make sure my kids are prepared for whatever this world has to offer.

[boy screaming]

[man 2] Slow down.

[man 1] Unfortunately, I have no idea what that is anymore.

For some reason, I can’t leave my kid in the car to run into a convenience store, but that same store can sell him food so full of hormones he’ll be able to grow a beard by the third grade.

But nobody gives a shit because they’re too busy jerking off to Internet porn.

Buddy.

What do you say there, Jackie boy?

[boy screaming]

Oh, you motherfucking…

You’re up.

Goddamn. I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch!

[boy continues screaming]

Hey! Give me the stick! Give me the stick! Give me the stick!

Hey, buddy. What happened? You all right?

Colin pushed me.

Yeah, I know he did.

I told you if you play rough, rough things are gonna happen, right?

Here, let me see.

[man 2] Colin, give me the stick!

Ah, that’s not so bad. Just rub some dirt on it, buddy.

There you go.

You might wanna get him checked or at least put a little Neosporin on it.

That thing could get infected.

Who are you?

I’m, uh, Hunter Lewis.

Lisa’s husband. Just moved in across the street.

Thanks for having me.

Oh, yeah? Are you a doctor, or are you just one of those WebMD guys?

It’s just common knowledge. You wanna keep the cut clean.

Oh, is it? Listen, I’m trying to raise a little man here, not a fucking pussy.

So I appreciate your concern.

But why don’t you just go back to your hard seltzer and, you know, go on Twitter and go share the story where you’re the hero?

[Hunter] Okay.

Daddy, you said a bad word.

Yeah, I know I did, buddy. Sometimes you have to, all right?

Don’t tell your mother. She’ll kill me. I love you. Come on. Let’s get up.

[man 2] Hang on, Jack! Hang on! Hang on!

[panting]

Colin’s got something he wants to say to you, kid.

But, Dad, he pushed me first…

Hey, no, no, no. I don’t care. Okay?

You don’t hit somebody with a stick. We don’t hit our friends.

Let’s apologize now. Say you’re sorry to Nate. Come on.

[screaming] No!

[man 2] Hey, come on. Don’t cry.

[screaming continues]

Come on. It’s okay, buddy. Say you’re sorry.

I’m just asking you to apologize. You don’t gotta freak out.

Hey, buddy. Ah, shit.

[screaming] No!

Okay, okay. What is going on? Why is he screaming?

Because he hit Nate with a stick, and I told him to apologize.

[fingers snap]

What you’re feeling now is what you’re feeling, okay?

Let it out.

[Colin screaming]

I don’t think that…

[woman 1] I don’t need you to think now.

You need to respect your son’s autonomy and really let him process how crossing this boundary

is affecting his ever-evolving moral code.

I want my stick!

[fingers snap] Stick, where is it?

It’s…

Jack. How’s Nate doing in school?

Great, you know. He’s comin’ along. Uh, how’s your little one doing?

He’s great. He’s perfect.

Yeah?

Come on, bro. I…

[Colin] No!

Hey, hey, hey!

Jesus!

I’m gonna murder you. I swear to God. Let’s go get a drink. Come on.

How fucking sad is that?

He did it to himself.

[Jack] Yes, he did.

[Colin] No!

[Connor] Come on, stop it.

Did you see that? That kid is a maniac.

Yeah, he’s a lunatic.

I’m gonna say something to Cara. It’s too much.

No, no, no. Don’t say anything.

I’m not gonna freak out on her. I’m just gonna talk to her.

Like, mom to mom. It’s what moms do.

Mike, should she say something?

Three cardinal rules of friendship.

Don’t bring up politics. Don’t bring up religion.

And don’t try to tell people how to raise their kids.

Oh, I’m sorry, Mike. I didn’t realize you had your own daytime talk show.

Harvard. Duke.

Girlfriend, ex-wife.

It’s kinda airtight, honey.

Mmm, kind of. Not really.

[chuckles]

What’d she mean by that?

Uh, she’s just breaking your balls.

Look, we’re happy for you guys.

We’re wondering when you’re gonna make an honest woman out of Britney.

I told you. She doesn’t wanna get married. She doesn’t wanna have kids.

All she wants to do is fuck me and go to the gym.

Goddamn, Mike. You found a fucking unicorn.

[Colin screams]

[“You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’” by Judas Priest playing]

[Jack] What?

It’s a team sport.

You okay, buddy?

♪ One life, I’m gonna live it up ♪

♪ I’m takin’ flight I said, I’ll never get enough ♪

♪ Stand tall, I’m young and kinda proud… ♪

[Jack] This is the company my friends and I started 23 years ago.

We make high-end throwback jerseys.

But I got talked into selling the company so I could afford to send my son to private school, where all the kids are dressed like fucking news anchors.

Goes against everything I believe in, but I’d do anything for my kid.

Dude, what are you doing?

You look like you just ran over a dog. Come on.

It’s a great fucking day for us.

Is it?

We’re about to become employees of our own company.

Jack, selling a business and the owner staying on is older than discovering a country that already has people.

There you go.

Not to mention, the time to complain was before we signed the deal.

I did complain about it.

Yeah, but you complain about everything.

[Jack] Oh, I do not.

Relax. It’s gonna be great.

Well, that’s easy for you to say. You’re home free.

Yeah, that’s true. You got no more child support.

You got college taken care of.

Yeah.

What are gonna do now? Airbnb your kids’ rooms, you cheap prick?

[Jack laughs]

[sarcastic laughter]

Laugh now, motherfuckers, but wait till you see what I got coming next.

Yeah, we’ll see. We’ll see.

What’s up, party people?

[Jack] Morning, everyone!

[woman] Morning, guys.

[woman 2] Morning.

Monica, what’s poppin’, girl?

Good morning, Connor.

Yo, you happen to check that new joint from Lil Baby dropped on Twitter last night?

[Monica] No.

What? Boom. Come on. Pound it out.

Ah, it’s okay. Thanks.

Oh God.

[Mike] There he goes again.

Don’t sleep on Lil Baby, on any of the babies.

I heard Big Baby got something coming out too. It’s gonna be fire.

Big Baby?

[Connor] Yeah, you… you peep him yet?

I don’t believe I have, no.

What? He’s fleek.

Oh.

Yeah, he’s on fleek. Flickity-fleek.

[chuckles]

[Mike] Connor, come on.

Aight. Gotta bounce.

[Monica] Okay.

One love. One love, girl.

Okay. Okay.

[Connor] One love, y’all.

You know, she’s never gonna think you’re cool.

I am cool, Jack. I’m sorry that you feel threatened by that.

Oh, I think everybody’s threatened by it.

All right, you two, lock it down. We gotta impress this dude.

Wait. By “this dude,” you mean the douchebag half our age we now work for?

I don’t know, Jack. If I were you, I’d give him a chance.

I hear Aspen has a real collaborative leadership style.

That guy?

He looks like he’s in a musical about janitors.

[Mike] Play nice, Jack. The new owners love him.

And if we wanna get paid, we gotta keep our jobs.

Gentlemen. What an honor.

Aspen Bell.

Mike.

Uh-huh.

Hey! Connor.

Oh! I’m gonna get some of that? Ah!

Jack. Good.

Hey, how are you? That’s all right.

Okay. Uh, guys. Yeah, have a seat. Get comfortable.

Wow! The trifecta behind Trifecta.

This is some broad shoulders to stand on, boys.

Let’s get right to it.

Look, this is your company, right?

You built it.

And I want you to know that I respect the shit out of what you’ve done here.

I mean, come on, throwback jerseys?

You didn’t just start the trend. You perfected it.

The breathability of this fabric.

Must have been sewn by the gods.

Actually, it was sewn together by some hardworking women in Koreatown.

[Mike clears throat]

But, uh, thank you. We’re, uh, very proud of it.

And you should be.

You should be very proud of everything that you’ve done here.

And I want you to know that my door will always be open to you.

But I’m gonna break some eggs because I’m a disruptor.

It’s in my DNA.

What does that mean?

It means that we’re gonna pivot.

This company is now a gender-neutral, carbon-neutral, 21st-century lifestyle apparel brand.

And the first step in that is to liberate everyone born before 1988.

[woman] For what? All of us?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck? That’s, like, half the company.

[Mike] Calm down, man.

[Jack] You calm down.

[man] Let’s go.

Damien’s 35? Goddamn, he looks good.

Hey, what happened to two weeks’ notice? You can’t just kick ’em out.

Don’t touch me.

These people put their hearts and souls into this business.

And we signed them up for Zip Recruiter. They’re gonna have a new job in no time.

Look, we are living in an exponential era.

Hmm.

Jack, change and growth, these things happen faster than they did when you were young.

I mean, look at me.

I’m 28 years old, and I’ve already worked for 15 different start-ups.

Is that something you wanna brag about?

[Aspen] Absolutely.

Success does not care about the way that you feel.

I want people to come in here with a smile on their face, but I need them to have Kevlar in their souls.

If that’s too much to ask, then I don’t care how long you’ve been here.

You’re gonna be out the door.

Is that a threat?

No, no. It’s just transparent leadership.

Look, I care about you.

In fact, there is this woman I would love for you to go see.

She’s an old friend of my mom. She has had a lot of success helping people in your situation to restrain their aggressive tendencies.

You want me to go see a shrink?

I appreciate you.

“I appreciate you.” “I appreciate you.”

Fucking sociopath hipster douche.

Gonna threaten me in my own goddamn building?

I’ll fucking knock you out, throw you in a bag of laundry, and they’ll never fucking see you again.

Oh my God!

[car horn honks]

Come on! I’m gonna be late.

Just fucking sitting there.

Oh, look at this fucking asshole.

Fucking 30-year-old man riding a kids’ toy right in the middle of the fucking street!

[car horn honks]

Get over!

What’s he doing now? Is he freestyling? Is he making a YouTube video?

Oh my God! How fucking self-involved are you?

[car horn honking]

Share the road!

Hey, I agree!

So, why don’t you get up onto the fucking sidewalk where you belong?

Oh, is that for me? Oh, you a tough guy now, huh? Huh?

[tires squeal]

[car horn honks]

Where you going, you little cocksucker, huh?

What?

When was the last time you saw one of those bastards stop at a stop sign?

Then they get hit and frost the thing like some unforeseen tragedy happened.

Am I wrong?

Yes.

Toxic.

[Jack] Oh, look at this. Of course.

Unbelievable.

500 people come here every day, and they got 20 fucking spots.

How much money do you have to pay to get a parking lot?

What does that say?

I’m not reading all that fucking shit.

Eh, fuck it. Be in and out.

So, you are reading to your kids every night?

[woman] Uh, we do 17…

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, sir?

Yeah?

You were late for pickup.

I’m sorry. There was no parking spots.

Daddy! Daddy!

Nate! Hey, little buddy.

Ah! What’s up?

What’s up?

I’ve missed you, man.

Me too.

How was school?

[Nate] Good.

You were late for pickup.

Yeah, I told you I couldn’t find a spot.

I’m sorry. We don’t accept excuses.

Wasn’t an excuse. Just what happened.

Plus, I was only, like, two minutes late, right, buddy?

Have you read the school guidebook?

Yep.

What?

It’s a dollar for every minute you’re late.

Of course it is.

Okay.

Here’s five bucks. It’s all I got.

Oh, no. The first violation is free.

Really? Well, why didn’t you tell me that before I put my kid down?

Well, if you’d actually read the guidebook instead of just saying you did, I wouldn’t have to tell you anything.

Is there, like, a problem here, miss?

Well, actually…

If you have some issue with me, you take me aside in private, and you talk to me.

You don’t dress me down in front of my kid.

I’m paying you to educate my son, not me, okay?

Oh. Well, we here at Little Hearts and Minds believe that education extends into the home.

Oh, do you? Fantastic.

And once again, you’d know that if you’d picked up the guidebook and…

Jesus Christ! I read the goddamn fucking guidebook!

All right, you stumpy little cunt?

Wow!

Oh my God.

Let’s go, Nate.

[Nate] Daddy, what’s a cunt?

[Jack] Somebody that gives you shit for being two seconds late for pickup.

How you doing?

Okay, buddy, we’re home. Now what are we gonna do?

[Nate] Forget what happened and finish my ice cream.

[Jack] That’s right.

Hey, buddy, was that good?

Ah, you’re the best. Here. Let’s get you cleaned up real quick.

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Doop-doop-doop-doop-doop.

Yep, okay, cool.

All right. Nothing but happiness when we go in there, okay? Awesome.

Mommy!

Well, hey! How are you, buddy?

Hey, how was your meeting, honey?

Oh, it was good! How was pickup?

[Jack] Oh, it was great, smooth, uneventful.

Hey, you wanna go watch Puppy Dog Pals?

Puppy Dog Pals!

Puppy Dog Pals. Yay!

[Leah clears throat] Jack.

Uneventful? I just got off the phone with Doctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner.

Oh boy.

What is uneventful about calling Nate’s principal a stumpy “C”?

If you saw the way she was talking to me, it was a perfectly normal response.

For who?

Anyone with a shred of dignity.

[whispers] Keep it down.

[TV playing]

[whispers] Anyone with a shred of dignity.

Okay, she was talking to me like some deadbeat dad for showing up a minute and a half late for pickup.

Oh my God! This has nothing to do with your dignity.

This has everything to do with our son’s academic future.

Do you know how powerful Doctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner is?

Her kindergarten recommendation makes or breaks whether he gets into The Meadows.

Great. So we’ll send him to a different private school.

She writes the recommendation no matter where he goes.

Great! Then it’s public school. That place wasn’t that bad, and it’s free.

Are you kidding me?

That place was that bad.

You admitted that…

Sh.

[whispers] That one was that bad. And you said it was that bad. Okay?

We have been over this. We’ve looked at all the data.

Oh, Jesus Christ with the fucking data! Your generation and the data.

What?

The data, the data, the data.

Here’s some data for you, okay?

Not having your every need catered to is actually a good thing.

I went to public school. I turned out fine.

Where you learned to talk to principals?

No, it’s where I learned to stick up for myself.

You need to fix this.

And you need to talk to someone about your anger.

Oh, Jesus Christ with the fucking therapy. Here we go.

Great. Fine. Fine!

Always with the therapy.

Go ahead, white-knuckle it through this world.

But tomorrow, you’re gonna go into that school, and you are going to apologize.

Good, fine. You think I’m afraid of that? I’ll go down there right now.

Great.

She’s not the first person I ever called that word.

[whimsical music playing]

Don’t worry. I’ll smooth it right over.

Jack, Leah. Thanks so much for coming.

Thank you so much for meeting with us, honestly.

Yes. Doctor Shmieckel-Turner, I… I just wanted to…

Uh, please, call me Doctor L.

Doctor L, I just wanna say…

No, no. Save those thoughts.

[Jack] Oh, okay.

[Lois] Uh…

Oh.

Oh, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

We’re gonna do this in front of the whole school?

[chuckles nervously]

Um…

We view this more as a village than a school.

And we firmly believe in the practice of restorative justice, or gacaca.

A common practice in Rwanda which was especially effective in the aftermath of their genocide.

And please, join the other parents.

Oh. Okay.

Okay. Wow! [chuckles]

That’s quite a turnout.

Um… All right, um…

I guess, uh, looking back, I, uh, let my emotions get the best of me yesterday, and, um, I wish I could have chosen my words a little bit differently.

All right?

And I am sorry that six of you heard this and then told the other 40.

And, uh, to any of the children that heard what I said, it’s never okay to say those words, okay?

I… I was very, very wrong. All right?

So that’s it. Have a nice morning and, uh, keep using those paper straws.

I know they get soggy, but they’re good for the turtles, evidently.

Thank you.

Okay. No, no. Jack. Jack. Jack.

Yeah. We… we appreciate the words, but the process of healing has only just begun.

Yes, Judy.

[Judy] Yes, thank you.

Um, I would just like to voice how incredibly hurt I am.

Mr. Kelly, do you understand that using the C-word is like the N-word but for women?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, I’m… I’m sure… I’m sure it is.

You know, other than the 400 years of slavery and continued systemic oppression.

Other than that, I think you’re making a really solid point.

Yes, Mimi.

Even though I wasn’t there,

just knowing that language like that was used in front of the child…

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Please. Brian.

As a parent of a child and someone with chronically low metabolism, but loving my body…

Oh. Good for you, Brian.

Yeah.

…your use of the word “stumpy” was a real trigger to me and my whole family.

[chuckles]

Seriously?

Yes.

Any type of body-shaming just reminds me of what it feels like to be told that my body ain’t good enough.

[Jack] Oh, okay. All right.

Well, I understand that, and I’m sorry I made you feel that way.

And I’d also like to add, and I think a lot of you would agree, we do have a major weight problem in this country. Do we not, you know?

And it doesn’t just affect this man and his child.

I mean, the burden that out-of-shape people put on our healthcare system, not to mention the loved ones they leave behind is… it’s truly, truly heartbreaking.

And I… I think, as a community, we should be able to talk about it.

Like maybe put a salad bar at drop-off or something like that.

Oh man! I would love that.

[fingers snap]

All right. Maybe… maybe not now.

Wrap it up. Thank you.

Uh, I’d just like to say that I am truly sorry for my actions yesterday.

They have no place in this community. Okay? All right.

I’m sorry. Have a nice morning. Good day.

Eh, eh. Uh…

Okay. Okay, let’s all thank Jack.

It’s not easy to admit when we are wrong.

This is going to be a long… a long journey.

But I know we will all be there to support him.

[applause]

What the fuck? What does she mean by “long journey”?

The journey’s over. I just apologized to her and a bunch of weak-kneed people who weren’t even there.

She doesn’t write Nate’s recommendation for another three months.

So?

So!

You have a long time to prove to her that you are a good dad.

But why do I need to do that?

Because this recommendation is as much about Nate as it is about us as parents.

Oh, Jesus Christ! Is it ever over with these people?

I mean, how many fucking hoops do you have to jump through?

I don’t know, Jack, but you created this problem.

So, are you going to man up and solve it, or am I registering for two pacifiers?

[laughs]

Well?

All right.

I will play nice, and I will jump through all the hoops, okay?

Mm-hmm. Thank you. Have a good day.

Hi, baby. I grilled up some buffalo steaks, and there’s a Manhattan waiting for you on the table.

Goddamn, baby. You look good.

[chuckles]

[Britney] Follow me.

[Mike] Just what I needed tonight.

Well, I do know how to take care of my man.

[Mike chuckles]

Go on. Sit down.

Have a drink. Get all nice and relaxed.

Why? What happened?

Nothing.

No…

Okay, well, I do have to tell you something, but you have to promise to not get mad.

I went to too many years of law school to agree to something like that.

What’s going on?

Well,

I’m late.

[chuckles]

There’s no way. That’s impossible.

I couldn’t believe it either.

I had a vasectomy, and I pull out.

I… I know. I don’t know how it happened, but… maybe there’s a reason.

Pee again.

What?

Pee again!

I did. Three times.

Well, it’s not mine, so go take a test.

[doo-wop music playing]

[doo-wop music continues]

I mean, look at it this way. You got really strong sperm.

You should be proud.

Seriously. I mean, guys our age, our cum is usually, like, asthmatic, you know, but your shit’s, like, Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, bro.

Yeah. To plow through a vasectomy with pre-cum.

I mean, that’s unheard of.

Come on.

That’s like some Braveheart-level jizz.

Yeah, dude. You’re like a Black William Wallace.

[shouts] Pre-cum!

Sorry.

Mike, this is gonna be great, okay? And remember, kids keep you young.

No, they don’t.

My kids almost killed me.

[Jack] Oh, come on.

Don’t you remember the beauty of becoming a dad?

The smell of a newborn baby’s head. I mean, it’s the best.

They’re funny, Mike. They’re funny.

They say funny shit. They think farts are funny.

In the morning, he comes running in. “Pull my finger. Pull my finger.”

Wet one. It’s funny.

[laughs]

It’s adorable.

Another thing, you come home, they’re excited to see you.

How many places do you walk in, and people just freak out and start running at you, screaming your name?

You come home, you feel like you’re famous.

Yeah, exactly. They don’t die after 12 years.

Exactly.

Like a dog.

Hopefully.

Mike, this is gonna be great. We all get to do it together.

Yeah.

Jack, you’ve aged ten years since Nate was born.

Connor, I don’t know what’s up with you ’cause you don’t fucking age.

Thanks, buddy.

[Mike] It’s not a compliment.

I don’t know what kind of Botox shit you’re on, but it’s gonna kill you.

All right, dude. Ease up. Okay? I didn’t fucking get you pregnant.

Just… If you don’t want the baby, just get an abortion.

Flush it.

[scoffs] I don’t believe in that. That’s some white shit.

What’s that mean?

What?

I don’t know. I’m emotional.

She said she didn’t wanna have kids.

What the fuck am I gonna do?

I’m having a heart attack.

You’re not.

Can we get some water? Just breathe.

I’m gonna have a heart attack.

You’re not gonna have a heart attack. You go to the gym.

Nobody has a heart attack that goes to the gym.

Except… Remember that jogging guy? He died of a heart attack.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Remember that guy?

[bell ringing]

[Lois] Good morning, everyone.

Morning, Doctor L.

Oh!

[Jack] Hey, buddy.

[kisses] I’ll see ya. Have fun. Okay?

Is that for me?

Oh, it’s for the whole community. Yeah, it’s an olive tree.

Very drought-friendly. And an eternal symbol of peace.

I thought it’d be a nice way to cultivate the kids’, uh, social-emotional growth.

Something we work on a lot with Nate at home, you know?

Well, I… I am impressed.

But this tree is incompatible with our ecosystem.

The insects that it would attract would be detrimental to all plant life here.

[Lois laughing]

This is a funny moment.

[Jack laughs]

Yeah. You and I are having a…

[laughs] What?

I find it so apropos that you have brought the plant version of yourself.

Jack, I appreciate the effort.

I know how hard this is for you.

But fortunately, I am here to guide you.

If you’re willing to take my advice. Is that something you’d be open to?

I need a verbal confirmation.

Yes.

Walk with me.

As you can see, this is such a dynamic and whimsical place.

A launching pad for the next generation of great leaders.

Such as Nate.

But they’ll never reach the stratosphere without enough fuel.

Our annual fundraiser is coming up, and given your leadership experience in sales, I think you might make a great chairman.

[laughs] Me?

What do you think?

I think I’m beginning to see how this school works.

♪ Come on, baby Let me see you with the lights up… ♪

Let’s go. You’re fucking getting to ten.

Let’s go!

Ah! I got it.

Are you a pussy?

No.

Are you a pussy?

You’re a pussy.

You’re a fucking pussy. Come on, let’s go. Let’s go.

Come on. What are you, on your period? Let’s go. Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me!

Ah, I’m looking.

That’s it. Let’s go. One more. One more. One more.

Come on! That’s all you! That’s all you!

[straining] Fuck!

All right. Let’s go. Down. Down.

Up high. Twice. Ah! Fuck Pilates!

Whoo!

That was a good set.

[breathing heavily]

[grunts]

So, you gonna help me with this thing?

[straining] Fuck, no.

Come on. It’s just a fundraiser meeting.

I said no.

What about that time I pretended to be your dad ’cause you were lying to that chick about your age, huh?

I have no recollection of that incident.

Oh, you don’t? You don’t? Isn’t that convenient?

Hey, there’s Mike.

[Jack] That Britney’s car?

[Connor] I don’t think so.

Look at the plates. Someone went crazy on CarMax.

You know what? I give you two-to-one

there’s no more baby, and there’s no more Britney.

No. You think so?

Yeah. Fifty bucks.

Fifty? Hundred.

Hundred. C-note?

C-note?

C-note!

C-note!

All right. Be cool.

All right.

[Jack] Hey!

Yo, yo, yo.

Look who’s here. Big Mike!

What’s cracking?

[Jack] Man, how are you?

[Connor] What’s up, baby?

You look good.

You get a new car?

[scoffs] Ford Fusion SEL, fully loaded.

Heated seats, Bluetooth, dual sunroof.

Delivered straight to my door. You wanna take it for a spin?

Me? Nah, I’m good. I’ll just rent one the next time I go to Tampa.

Hey, so, you and Britney still having the kid, right?

Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?

I don’t know. Everything you’re doing is suggesting you took a mulligan.

Why can’t I be raising the kid and have the car of my dreams?

And pick up a Boyz II Men pinball machine on eBay.

People say it’s impossible.

Well, fuck those people because I’m doing it. Huh?

All right.

Fuck.

[Mike] Let’s get it in, fellas.

All right. Pay up, or go to the meeting.

Motherfucker.

[laughs]

Okay, I can get the VFW to give us the space for free.

My buddy Mitch has a wholesale liquor company.

We get the booze at cost, and that just leaves the entertainment and the auction.

Uh, but what’s the theme?

What’s the theme? You know, everybody takes an Uber.

We all get ripped. Take a night off from our kids.

You know what? I think she’s right. I think we need a theme.

Yeah.

[woman 1] We definitely need a theme.

Last year’s theme was the Puerto Rican Day Parade.

[woman 2] That was great.

We had Tito Puente Jr.

How about an ’80s-themed party?

[Connor] Now there’s an idea.

I fucking love the ’80s.

Fucking ’80s are the best.

Tank tops, T-tops, and blow, baby.

Finger-banging for days. Miami Vice!

That’s what started that whole thing, sport coats with the T-shirt underneath.

Yeah. No socks. Remember? You fold over the pant, roll it up.

No… Yeah.

Boom. Hummer.

Are we reliving your childhood or planning a party?

I’m always down for a party.

I am too.

[Connor] Right?

How about “We Are the World”? That’s an interesting song. Right?

And, you know, it’s inclusive.

Deals with Africa. We got a lot of Black kids in the school.

Uh… Wha… I… I mean, I guess it is kind of inclusive.

Inclusive adjacent, but some of us weren’t even born in the ’80s.

So I just think that, like, why would we be looking backwards?

You know? Like, our whole vibe here at this school and this whole community is… is looking forward, and I just don’t think it really lines up.

I’ve got it. What about the United States of Gender?

There it is. Oh my God. I love that!

I know. I love it.

We could have an entirely trans waitstaff. It’d be great!

Okay. Wait, guys. There’s gonna be a lot of different people here at this party.

Maybe we should try to keep it a little more mainstream.

Hmm. Define mainstream.

I don’t know, like, you know, not turn it into, like, a tranny bar.

Oh my God!

Tranny? You cannot say that word!

What are you supposed to say?

[clears throat]

[all] Trans!

Oh, all right. Well, I was close. Trans, tranny. It’s like Mike, Mikey.

Mikey!

Yeah. [laughs] I mean, people call me a ginger. I don’t give a fuck.

I didn’t mean anything by it. All right. Trans.

I think if we could just peer through the fog of Jack’s antiquated logic, we’ll all realize that Jack’s trying to bring us together, okay?

He’s trying to move us forward, not polarize us, okay?

Can I just… Can I just…

Is there a reason we always have two white men dominating the discussion in this room?

Was that directed at us?

‘Cause if I’m not mistaken, you’re also a white male, buddy.

Why don’t you consult the results of my 23andMe test?

Because the 3% of my lineage that is Sri Lankan is really not appreciating your tone in this moment.

So I’m gonna need you to check your privilege.

Check my privilege?

That’s right. Check your privilege.

Okay. Uh, why don’t we concentrate on the silent auction?

That’s not a white guy?

I’m confused.

[hip-hop music playing]

Oh my God! Look at this place. It just gets more depressing every day.

What up, party people?

[both laughing]

Ah! What up, fam?

Yo, y’all check out that TikTok video of the couple exchanging clothes?

What?

Uh, no, I’m not actually on TikTok, man.

What? What are you on an Android phone?

Yeah. As a matter of fact, I am.

Yeah. Me too.

It’s open-source software. Fully customizable.

Yes! Yes!

Right? That’s what I’m talking about.

Fuck.

Yo. Did you feel that earthquake this morning? You feel that?

Don’t worry.

It’s just my thoughts.

[inaudible speech]

Fame.

It was once only the provenance of the talented.

But now we are living in an era in which everyone believes that they deserve to be famous.

The fame bubble is big, my friends. And it’s about to burst.

You can already see the cracks.

Celebrities announcing they’re taking a break from social media by taking a selfie and posting it to social media.

It’s insane.

And we are going to make an insane amount of money by making not wanting fame the new fame.

We’re gonna find a brand ambassador.

Someone who earnestly does not crave fame.

Introducing Ed Cameron.

He is the LeBron James of not being famous.

Lives on a plot of alopeciad land in New Mexico.

He is entirely self-sustaining.

And as far as we know, he’s had little to no human contact, not since the late 1980s.

How did you find him?

Well, it wasn’t easy.

But in 1976, he signed up for a raffle at a local church.

That information was sold to Mammoth Mart, who then sold it to Columbia Record and Tape Club, who turned right around and sold it to JPMorgan Chase.

And then they got hacked, and it ended up on the dark web, so that was a little harder to…

It’s not that important to talk about how we acquired his personal information.

Doesn’t matter.

[Aspen] What matters is how we’re gonna bring him in.

And I got three words for ya.

Jack, Mike, Connor, the founding fathers.

[imitates explosion]

Whoa, whoa! What?

You want all three of us to go pitch this guy?

Yeah. Yeah, with my boy, Trav. [tongue clicks]

Why is Travis coming?

Good question, Connor. I appreciate you.

Hey, hey. This guy chose to live in the middle of nowhere.

[Mike] Yeah.

So, how the hell are we gonna convince him to become famous?

Ah!

[laughs]

[remote thuds]

Therein lies the work, Jack.

Do you think that Steve Jobs invented things?

Yeah. Quite a bit, actually.

Yeah.

iPad.

[Aspen] No.

He said things, and then other people did them.

So I’ve said things today, and I want you to go and do those things.

[apple crunches]

[instrumental rock music playing]

[Mike] Jack, what do you think we’re walkin’ into here?

I mean, you think this guy is even gonna be able to speak English?

[Connor] Yeah. When did he go off the grid?

Like, 1988.

Seriously?

Yeah.

He’s probably still jerkin’ off to Samantha Fox.

[Mike laughs]

All right, serious question.

Would you rather fuck Samantha Fox in her prime, but she’s wearing a Barbara Bush mask?

Or fuck Barbara Bush, circa 1988, but you get to have Samantha just lookin’ at you, full eye contact, and she’s naked?

Oh, wow! That’s a good one.

[Connor] Thank you.

[Jack] You always get the left turn.

[Connor] Mm-hmm.

I mean, I think I gotta go with the combo platter.

I mean, Samantha Fox is smokin’ hot, but if I get both of them…

You know, I get to look at Samantha.

And Barbara Bush, I think she was a clean woman.

You know?

Yeah.

And I’ve never been that close to that level of power before.

Do it in the Oval Office, you know, pick up the red phone, see who’s on the other side.

The oval orifice.

[all laughing]

Yeah, dude!

See what I did there?

Bunch of guys, right? Just fuckin’ hangin’ out.

Trashin’ women. Yeah, so cool. You guys are so dope.

What, are we offending you?

[Travis] No, man, you’re not offending me.

I just think this misogynistic behavior amongst groups of men is a little, uh, little cliché.

Ah, Jesus Christ. We got a feminist in the car.

Look, I’m just looking out for you guys, okay?

No offense, you’re just comin’ across a little…

A little old, you know? A little out of touch.

We try evolving.

Evolving? It’s a good idea. Like your generation, right?

Filmin’ yourselves while you’re flippin’ over water bottles.

Incredible progress.

If I may interject.

Travis, it sounds like what you’re saying is you feel your generation is more evolved than our generation.

[Travis laughing]

Oh my God, that was a real question? Yeah, absolutely. Yes.

Travis, do you like rap music?

I mean, yeah, I listen to all kinds of music.

You go deep, or you listen to that mumble rap shit?

No, I go deep.

Really? How deep?

You know, the greats. Wu-Tang, Biggie, Nas, uh, N.W.A.

N.W.A?

Okay, my man Travis goes way back.

Saw the movie. Bought the soundtrack.

You probably know who Yella Boy is.

Wow!

You like to sing along to them in the car?

Yeah, I rap to them sometimes. Yeah.

What do you do when they drop the N-word?

[chuckles]

You keep singing along?

Uh, no, I…

I…

I…

I listen.

You just listen?

[Travis] Yeah. I do. I… I listen.

I mean, what, do you got a pause button in your brain? This is N.W.A.

You’re by yourself. Windows are up.

Cruisin’ down the highway. You feelin’ it!

Are you tellin’ me that you stop your flow?

I do.

Bullshit, motherfucker! Nobody could.

It’s N.W.A.

I thought you said you loved them.

I do.

Do you love them?

Yes, I do!

And you stop your flow?

No, I say it!

[gasps]

I wanna hear how he says it. Put on N.W.A “Straight Outta Compton.”

Oh, come on, man. I don’t wanna do this. I don’t wanna do this.

Why not? You say it when I’m not around, but you won’t say it when I am around.

That makes me feel like you’re sayin’ it in a way I wouldn’t wanna hear it.

[“Straight Outta Compton” by N.W.A. playing]

I just wanna go on record as saying I don’t wanna do this.

[shouts] Sing the damn song!

Okay.

Just chill out.

♪ Straight outta Compton Crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube ♪

♪ From the… ♪

♪ When I’m called off, I get a sawed-off ♪

♪ Pull the trigger And the bodies get hauled off ♪

♪ You too, boy, if ya fuck with me ♪

♪ The police are gonna have to come And get me ♪

♪ Off yo ass ‘Cause that’s how I’m goin’ out ♪

♪ The punk motherfuckers That’s showin’ out… ♪

N… No.

[Jack, Connor laughing]

Fuck! I don’t wanna say it, man. I don’t wanna say it.

Good. You shouldn’t wanna say it.

But on behalf of Dr. Dre and company, thank you for buying this shit.

Hey, Mike, for the record, whenever I listen to hip-hop, I never say it, bro.

Really? When do you say it?

[Connor] Uh…

Okay, guys. Come on. It’s over.

Jack! Jack!

[loud thud]

[tires squealing]

[Connor] Oh shit.

[Jack] Shit.

[engine stops]

[Travis] Shit, Jack.

The fuck was that?

[armadillo chittering]

[Mike] I don’t know, but it’s dead.

[Western movie music plays]

[Travis] What’s that guy doin’?

Holy shit. I think that’s him.

[Connor] Who?

Ed Cameron.

[Travis] Nuh-uh.

You fucking kidding me?

No.

[Mike] Where you goin’? Get back in the car.

[Jack] Hi.

How you doing?

Uh, excuse me. I’m sorry. Was that your armadillo?

It is now.

The highway provides.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

This, uh, might seem like a weird question, but you wouldn’t happen to be Ed Cameron, are you?

Who’s askin’?

Oh. Jack Kelly.

Uh, we were just coming up here to talk to you.

You ain’t a bunch of fags, are you?

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, Cara.

Yeah.

[Leah] Hey.

Sorry.

I’ll catch you later.

Bye, Joanna.

Sweetie, let’s go.

I was hoping I was gonna run into you today.

How’s the second trimester?

You know? It’s harder than it was with Nate.

You know what? I could tell. You’re looking a little peaked.

You still working out?

[laughing uncomfortably]

Yeah.

Uh, I was gonna talk to you about Britney’s baby shower.

[Colin roaring]

And I was thinking we should… Oh!

Hey, Colin. You have to be careful, okay? Auntie Leah’s got a baby in here.

Hi, baby!

Colin! You are not allowed to do that, do you understand me?

Hey, hey! He’s got a little extra energy.

That doesn’t give you the right to scream at my child.

I was just trying to protect myself.

He’s five years old. He doesn’t know any better.

Don’t you think he should?

Are you calling me a bad mother?

You could say I think your parenting techniques are interesting.

[scoffs]

Home birth, no epidural, 4% body fat.

The proof is in the pudding.

Maybe if you occasionally ate some of that pudding, you wouldn’t have sweat your tits off.

Yeah.

[gasps]

I cannot wait to see the look on Aspen’s face when he congratulates us for landing that fucking lunatic.

Fucker’s gonna give us all bedbugs.

Hey, Travis.

Yo.

Holy shit. They already got him on a T-shirt?

Yeah. It’s the prototype, but it’s pretty fucking sick, right?

So, last night, Aspen goes to this ayahuasca ceremony, and he gets this, like, crazy vision.

Memes, T-shirts, NFTs.

I don’t know what any of that means.

I mean, dude’s a crazy fucking genius. This campaign is gonna be fire.

If you say so.

Hey, sorry I’m late.

Hey, Connor. You see they already got this guy on a T-shirt?

Unbelievable.

What are you doin’ way over there?

I can sit wherever I want.

There a reason you’re not looking at me?

I don’t know. Is there?

[Aspen] Gentlemen.

[laughs]

You did it. You guys crushed it. You really did.

I mean, I understand now why this company has been alive for 23 years.

Yeah, well, guess these old dogs had a little more bite left in ’em than you thought.

Yeah.

[laughs]

We’re gonna have to talk about the rental car though.

Ah, just a scratched bumper. We have insurance.

We have insurance for the car. We don’t have insurance for this.

Hey, let me ask you a question. Did Caitlyn Jenner keep Bruce’s dick?

[Mike] Like in a jar?

Where’d you get this?

[Jack] No, like, she still has it.

Like, Caitlyn has tits and a dick, and is that why you say “they”?

[Mike] I get what you’re saying.

Look, I’m not saying I’d bang Caitlyn.

But, I mean, tell me that’s not a better person to watch a game with.

That’s fucking Bruce Jenner.

I wonder, like, every four years when the Summer Olympics come up, who’s the first one to call Caitlyn and be like, “You wanna watch the decathlon today?”

Yeah. [laughs]

[Travis] I feel super fucking bad for all your wives.

Let me ask you something, Travis. You ever been married?

No, I haven’t.

Well, there you go.

Why don’t you go up to a Marine now and tell him what it’s like in battle?

Did you set that camera up? You fucking snitch.

Whoa. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Trav had nothing to do with this, okay? This came from the rental car company.

They sent it to us in exchange for all of our users’ personal information.

Are you fucking kidding me?

[Aspen] It’s an information economy.

They, uh, record everything for liability and safety, apparently.

Well, you know, once I saw it… Guys, my hands are tied.

Gonna have to liberate you.

“Liberate” us? Is he firing us over that bullshit?

It’s a bunch of guys shootin’ the shit in a car.

There’s no way that’s fucking legal.

It is, actually, in New Mexico.

[laughs]

Okay, fine, so we’re terminated. You still gotta pay us.

Actually, we don’t.

Because your behavior violated the terms of your morality clause in your contract.

Morality clause?

What… what’s he talkin’ about?

So all of your equity has been liquidated, and it’s been returned to the general fund.

What the fuck?

[Aspen] You have to leave the premises immediately if you don’t mind.

Let’s go.

Look. The meter maids are back, huh?

You hide behind these guys? Do all your dirty work?

Yeah, they’re good guys.

Un-fuckin’believable.

120 pounds soakin’ wet.

You fucking piece of shit.

[exhales] Wow!

[Aspen] Come on.

Real nice, man.

Travis, can you get that?

Yeah.

Yikes, right? [laughs]

You too, though, Travis. You too.

What?

I didn’t condone anything that was goin’ on in the car.

I was being vocally…

♪ And shit ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah… ♪

Is that my apartment?

Yeah.

♪ Yeah… ♪

Why… why do you have this, Aspen?

[Aspen] You got a TV with a camera. Things could happen.

♪ Gold all in my chain ♪

♪ Gold all in my ring ♪

♪ Gold all in my watch ♪

♪ Don’t believe me, just watch Nigga, nigga, nigga ♪

♪ Don’t believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Don’t believe me, just watch Nigga, nigga, nigga… ♪

Justin.

Come on, man!

Oh, Aspen, come on, man. I was getting hyped, dude.

I was… I was gettin’ ready to start my fuckin’ day.

I was gettin’ ready to start the day, dude!

What the hell’s a morality clause?

It’s a boilerplate clause in every corporate contract, but I’ve never heard it used in the context of secretly filming someone in a rental car in a different state.

Well, why the fuck would you have us three knuckleheads sign a morality clause when you know how we are?

Don’t you mean how you are? Motherfucker, let me tell you somethin’.

If it wasn’t this, it’d be somethin’ else.

And now, thanks to you, I’m gonna be working until I’m 85!

Oh, you’re not puttin’ this on me, Mike. You’re not puttin’ this on me, okay?

For 23 years, you didn’t miss a goddamn thing, but you were so hot to trot to get your loaded Ford fucking Fusion, you left us exposed.

Are you questioning my competency?

No, I’m questioning your motivation.

Guys, come on, okay? We’re all in this together.

[Mike] Not anymore. I’m done with you, Jack.

You and your big fuckin’ mouth.

Come on, Mike.

[Connor sighs]

Connor, why aren’t you lookin’ at me?

Don’t worry about it, okay? I can look wherever I want.

The fuck is goin’ on with you?

Jack, we can’t hang out right now, okay?

Just know that there will come a time in the future when we will be able to hang out again, but that time is not now, okay?

It’s just… It’s too fuckin’ weird.

[melancholy music playing]

The fuck are you talkin’ about?

Why don’t you ask your wife?

[door opens]

[melancholy music continues]

[Leah] Hey, babe.

[door closes]

Did you try to fuck Connor?

Huh?

What? What are you talking about?

How come Connor said you’re the reason me and him can’t hang out?

I don’t…

Answer me that, Leah. Answer me that.

Oh my God.

Okay. So, Cara and I got into an argument at pickup, okay?

I said she was a shitty mom who couldn’t parent her kid.

Oh!

Oh.

Well, didn’t I tell you not to do that?

Yes, yes. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, but…

Do you really think that I would try and fuck Connor?

No, that was stupid.

I mean… Come on, what are you…

I’m emotional.

What’s going on?

I lost my job today.

What?

I lost my job today.

What?

We all did.

Oh no, honey. Oh no. What happened?

I don’t know. I…

We said some shit on that road trip, and it got back to the office.

What did you say?

You know, stuff you say in a rental car when you don’t know you’re bein’ filmed.

Can I guess?

I’d appreciate it if you didn’t.

It wasn’t that bad.

Look, the real point is, you know, I let you and the kids down, and now Nate can’t go to private school.

I feel terrible about that. I’m gonna figure out a way…

No. You know what? Nate is gonna go to private school.

And I don’t care if we have four mortgages on the house and I work every day until my water breaks, but my son is not gonna get left behind because his father has the self-control of a two-year-old.

It’s not self-control. It’s a right-to-privacy issue, but…

[sentimental music playing]

[Connor] Dear Jack, these last months have felt like a fuckin’ eternity, man.

I miss you.

I miss our brotherhood.

The fighting for a common goal, the camaraderie, the ball-breaking, even though it was often at my expense.

[announcer] Jenner into the spin. Lets it fly.

Bruce Jenner has won gold!

[howling]

You don’t have to know what’s going on to be what’s going on.

[female voice] The Ed Cameron Collection.

[hawk squawking]

[sentimental music playing]

[Connor] Mike is hanging in there.

You know, he’s got a good job at a mid-level firm, and I think he’s really comin’ around to becoming a father again.

And he seems happy, but… Well, you know Mike.

He’s not a big talker.

Being unemployed hasn’t been easy.

But I’ve been watching this guy Joel Osteen a lot.

Man, once you get past all the God shit, the guy’s got a pretty positive message.

And his hair is bangin’.

He told the story of these three sheepherders…

[Cara coughs]

[mysterious music playing]

[sighs] Fuck.

[sighs]

[sentimental music playing]

Dear Jack,

I miss you, man.

As you know, I was a neglected child.

Lot of time with the Legos, if you know what I mean, and…

[door creaks]

[eerie music plays]

What are you doing?

[splutters]

Nothing. It’s just…

It’s… it’s…

Just knockin’ off a little haiku. It’s…

[paper burning]

It’s stupid. I…

[blows]

Let’s go to bed, right, babe?

I’m so tired.

Uh… It’s…

[jazz music playing]

[indistinct chattering]

[bartender] Here you are.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[woman] Jack!

Hey.

I mean, great party. Everybody seems to be having a blast.

Oh, thank you.

[man] I have to commend you.

Having the foresight to see that any party theme decided upon by a predominantly white committee would be inherently biased…

Well, your growth really makes my heart smile.

Oh, well, I was just listenin’ to the group.

[laughs]

Hey, who knew throwin’ a party celebratin’ white people not hurtin’ anyone would actually be a big hit?

I’m a little surprised too. Congratulations, Jack.

Oh, thank you, Doctor L.

But remember, the real metric for the party is what it does for the children.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Godspeed.

Hey, hey. You know what? Don’t worry about her.

Yeah, you’re right. This next item is gonna sell itself.

If it doesn’t, we can always auction off some of our dumb jewelry.

Listen, you just need to focus, okay?

Right. Right.

Think about Nate.

You know, turn on that charm I so deeply regret falling in love with every day.

[chuckles]

You’re gonna bring it home, like you always do, right?

Right. Right. All right.

Oh, uh, Connor gave me a note.

Actually, he gave someone else a note to give to me to give to you.

I don’t know.

You’re gonna be great. I know it.

I love you.

Thank you. Thank you.

[Connor] Dear Jack, this situation sucks. But I’m here for you, bro.

I’d write more, but these gummies are starting to kick in.

[sentimental music playing]

[sentimental music fades]

[Cara] What are you doing?

[pop music playing]

Doin’ this, girl. Ah, remember that? The old days? What? Girls.

Oh!

[pop music fades]

All right, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, just a little quick reminder.

There’s only 45 minutes left in our silent auction.

That’s still plenty of time to bid on some incredible items, including artwork created by your own children to raise money for the school.

[crowd cheering]

It’s not child labor if it’s for a good cause. Am I right?

[crowd laughs]

All right. Now, if we look at the Doctor L-O-Meter, we are inching towards our goal of $30,000, which brings us to the live auction.

The next item we have up for bids is something very special.

I know what you’re thinking to yourself.

You’re thinking, “Jack, how the heck are you gonna top two floor seats to see Adele at The Forum?”

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you better have those paddles in your hands ’cause I’ma tell you something.

We are about ready to bid… Get ready for this.

We’re about ready to bid on two hours of uninterrupted, one-on-one time with the one and only

Doctor Lois Shmieckel-Turner!

[crowd cheering]

Yes, there she is!

Two hours to glean an entire lifetime of parental knowledge from one of Southern California’s leading educators.

Now, this is crazy to me.

They told me to start this bidding at $1,500.

But I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it is.

Old Jackie boy is feeling a little bit crazy tonight.

I don’t know, but since I’m having so much fun at this “no theme” theme event that I’m gonna get a little crazy here, people.

I’m not starting the biddin’ off at $1,500.

I’m gonna start it off at $2,000, huh?!

Yeah! So, who’s gonna have fun with me, huh? All right.

Do I hear $2,100? Who’s got 21? I got $2,100 right there.

$2,100. Do I hear 22? 22! Who’s got 22?

Brian Dodson! Big Brian. Not body-shaming. You look fantastic.

My God! Ladies, look at this guy. I know he’s married, but you know, little side glance won’t hurt you.

Do I hear 23? Who’s got 23?

Joanna Wilkerson, who needs a nanny who’s also a personal assistant, if you can help out.

All right, 24. I need 24. Who’s got 24? 24?

Brian Dodson! Back to Big Brian.

Oh my God! We’ve got a dogfight going on here.

And I’m jumping right in the middle of it.

I’m not going $2,500. I’m not going 26, 27, 28.

I’m taking the elevator up to the penthouse.

I’m going $3,000!

[crowd cheering]

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

$3,000, baby! Who’s coming with me?

Who’s going $3,200? Let me hear $3,200.32.

Thirty-two. Great number. OJ Simpson. OJ Simpson scaring the white people.

All right. Marcus Allen. Who’s going $3,200? Come on.

[silence]

All right. Old Jack, you got a little too crazy. How about $3,100?

$3,100. Who’s got $3,100, huh?

[silence]

$3,100?

[silence]

All right. Come on, people. I saw a lot of Teslas in the parking lot.

[silence]

Just ’cause your car’s quiet doesn’t mean you have to be.

$3,100.

[silence]

Really? You’re gonna let me walk with this for $3,000?

‘Cause I’ll tell you right now. I’ll take it. I will take it.

$3,000? $3,000 going once. $3,000 going twice.

[silence]

$3,000? Final time!

[silence]

Sold to Jack Kelly!

[crowd cheering]

I’m gonna fucking kill myself.

Hey! Old Jackie!

[crowd cheering]

Yeah! Jack Kelly!

[cheering continues]

All right. That concludes this portion of the auction.

We only have a few more items left to bid.

Please hold onto those paddles. We’re gonna get to our goal, all right?

Have a good time. Keep drinking those drinks.

I’ll be back in a few moments for the last few items.

All right. Enjoy yourselves.

[pop music playing]

[groans]

[Lois] Jack.

I must thank you for your generous donation.

And I’m also quite frankly surprised you’d want to spend two hours with me.

[chuckles]

Yeah. Well, I guess I’m full of surprises, huh?

[Lois] Yes. Yes, you are, considering I heard that you lost your job and your company.

How are you and your family handling this setback?

Just fine.

Because we have tons of literature that will help you through what I know must be a very trying time.

Hey, listen, Doctor L, you can drop the act, okay?

Just drop the act.

All right, you got my money.

So now I guess my kid gets a good recommendation, and everything’s fine.

Jack, I hope you aren’t insinuating that your financial commitment is going to buy your child a recommendation.

Oh, I would never do that. No.

You know, Jack, I don’t fault you for the way you are.

You’re just blinded by a lifetime of privilege.

If I was privileged, I don’t think I’d have to spend two hours pretending I wanted to talk to you, now would I?

Excuse me?

You heard me.

[Lois] I guess I did.

[Jack] Good.

I will take that into consideration when I write up Nate’s recommendation.

Oh, I bet you will. I bet you will, huh? That’s how you operate?

Fuck over an innocent child ’cause you have petty bullshit with me?

Hey. You two already started talking.

I, uh… I hope that doesn’t count against our two hours.

Hello, Mrs. Kelly.

Good night, Jack.

What did you say to her?

I didn’t do anything. She came over here. She started twisting the knife, Leah.

What did you say to her?

Of course. Of course. What did I say?

What did Jack say? Can you ever be in my corner, Leah, huh?

I just dropped three grand that we don’t have

to spend two hours with that fucking egomaniac.

And you come over with, “What did Jack say?”

You know what I said? I said what everybody is already thinking but doesn’t have the fucking balls to say.

Oh, great. Great. Now you’re gonna cry, right?

Yeah. Great.

[sniffles]

You’re an asshole.

Oh, I’m an asshole? Then why did I do all of this, huh?

What, you’re mad? What? What, Leah? ‘Cause I’m honest? Huh?

Huh, Leah?

[door slams in distance]

What the fuck are you guys looking at, huh?

Yeah, I could be like you guys.

Pretending to care. You guys don’t care.

All you’re trying to do is not get in trouble.

That’s what the fuck is wrong with your whole generation.

[woman] Okay, boomer.

Generation X!

[man] Slacker.

[melancholy music playing]

[Jack] Here you go.

[keys jingling]

[melancholy music continues]

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Leah.

Leah!

Leah, open the door.

[teeth click]

[doorbell rings]

Leah.

Leah, come on. Open the door.

I know you can hear me.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I’ll fix that.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck’s wrong with me? You locked me out.

I know I did. So, what are you doing standing here?

‘Cause I live here.

Oh, Jack. I need you to not be in this house right now.

All right, fine, whatever. I’ll sleep on the couch.

No. I have had it. I have had it with your outbursts.

I have had it with your… your inability to understand your level of anger and the negative effect it’s having on our family.

Okay, I’m sorry. I got a little sideways tonight. I just…

No. No. No.

You don’t get to keep doing this over and over and over again, okay, and just thinking that an apology makes it okay, because it doesn’t, okay?

You fucking humiliated me tonight. And you humiliated your son.

And I am past arguing about it with you!

What… what are you saying?

I just need you to leave, Jack.

Because right now, I don’t know if I even wanna raise my kids with you.

Okay?

Oh, Jesus! Really?

Yes!

You’re gonna take it to that level?

Yes, I’m going to take it to that fucking level, Jack!

Because of that bullshit down there!

Exactly!

[Jack] That I told you was gonna happen! I told you!

And I’m down there dancing like a fucking show pony!

Pack your bag!

Oh, honey. I’m sorry.

Hey, buddy.

Oh. Come here. Did we wake you up?

Mommy, why is Daddy leaving?

Daddy’s got a lot of work he’s gotta do, buddy.

When are you gonna be done, Daddy?

Um, yeah, I… I don’t know, buddy.

[somber music playing]

Hey. Let’s get you back to bed, okay?

Okay.

[somber music continues]

Oh shit.

[woman belching]

I said no onions.

[laughs]

[man] Oh, excuse me, sir.

You can’t smoke out here.

Well, what are you doing?

Uh, I’m… I’m vaping.

What’s the difference?

The difference is people can’t smell what I’m doing from ten blocks away.

All right. Well, I can see what you’re doing. It’s called smoking.

So, till you put yours out, I’m not putting mine out. How about that?

I don’t mean to pull rank here, but this is my hotel.

Motel.

What?

It’s a motel.

Open courtyard. A serial killer can walk right up to my door, man.

If this was a hotel, he’d have to go through a lobby first.

It’s a motel. So, why don’t you get off your high horse, huh?

Hey, quick question.

Uh, what the fuck is your problem?

What’s my problem? My problem is I live in a world where a guy who’s smoking is telling me I can’t smoke, all right?

That, in a nutshell, is my problem.

Well, in a nutshell, it’s not smoking.

What makes it smoking, buddy, is the fucking smoke coming out of your mouth, all right?

So, get out of my fucking face before I throw you in that fucking pool?

I don’t respond to hyperbole!

Good. I don’t know what that means.

If you want an ass-kicking, keep talking.

Oh! “Hyperbole”! I got big hotel words.

Ladies, ladies, whoa. What are we doing here?

It’s a nice day. Relax. Take in the view.

Sweetheart, mind if I ask you a question?

Yeah, what’s that?

Do you think vaping is smoking?

Oh, absolutely, yeah. And it’s ruining this country.

Thank you. Thank you. There. I rest my case.

Yeah, and so are those fucking immigrants.

I mean, how many more can we let in? [laughs]

[woman farting]

Well, that made some room.

[Britney] I’m excited for this baby shower.

Aren’t you glad Leah suggested we do coed?

We’re gonna have fun, right?

Definitely.

Baby, look at me.

I know you’re scared, okay? So am I.

But I can’t live in fear anymore.

I need you to know what I need, or this isn’t gonna work.

[ethereal music playing]

I want us to be official. And not just for the baby but for us.

[ethereal music intensifies]

I love you, Mike. And I want us to get married.

[echoing] And I know you may need some time to process this, and…

Okay.

Okay?

Yep.

Well, can you fucking hug me or something? Damn!

Where are you going?

[Mike] Nowhere. I’m just gonna go register to vote.

[door closes]

[scoffs]

[melancholy music playing]

[phone line ringing]

[phone line clicks]

[Nate] Hi! You’ve reached my mom. She’s not here.

[Leah] Tell ’em to leave a message.

[Nate] Leave a message.

[phone line clicks]

[busy signal]

[all laughing]

[melancholy music continues]

[waitress] From pastrami with love.

Yeah.

[waitress] Fries extra crispy. Oreo cookie shake.

And a root beer.

Thank you.

[melancholy music continues]

[music fades]

You sure you wanna do this?

There’s nothing else to do.

[snorting]

Oh God. I miss coke.

Where the fuck did you get that?

Don’t worry about that, Jackie boy. I know a guy.

[snorts] Now let’s go set this neon town on fire!

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, huh?

Okay, all right. We’re still in Pomona, so pace yourself.

You fucking pace yourself, okay? I got about 90 minutes before my wife gets home and notices my sister watching the kids.

So, you know, this might be the coke talking, but I don’t give a fuck.

[chuckles]

My man Mikey here is getting married.

[thud]

[snorts] What was that?

It’s just us in here, right?

Yeah, yeah. We’re cool. Just relax, man.

It was a bump in the road. Just the road!

Whoa! Sh! Sh! Sh!

[snorts] Okay. I’m good.

[Connor sniffs]

You’re watching him this time.

Whoo! Whoo!

[“Eye of the Tiger” by Paul Anka playing]

♪ Face to face ♪

♪ Out in the night ♪

♪ Hangin’ tough, stayin’ hungry… ♪

[snorts, groans]

♪ It’s the dream of the fight ♪

♪ Watching us all in the eye ♪

♪ Of the tiger… ♪

Whoo!

♪ The eye of the tiger ♪

[Jack] Guys, my foot went numb.

[Connor] Dude, I can drive. Want me to drive?

[Jack] No fucking way.

[Jack groans]

All right, man. Once this sciatica acts up…

You sure you all right with this?

Yeah, it’s fine.

I’m feeling lucky.

[“Lady Love” by Lou Rawls playing]

Ah!

♪ Lady love ♪

♪ Your love is peaceful… ♪

[Jack] Yeah, fuck Vegas.

Those casinos are all owned by the people who started Halliburton.

Look at this place. This place is great.

If I’m gonna lose money, I’d rather do it in a Native American casino.

I like it. Yeah! Monetary justice.

Goddamn, this coke is not good. I gotta take a shit.

Uh, I’ll meet you at the sportsbook?

Sportsbook. All right. I’ll see you.

Hey, where the hell’s Mike?

[Leah] Britney? It’s me.

[pensive music playing]

Cara.

Don’t look so surprised.

Britney and I are actually incredibly close.

It’s not like that kind of thing where we have to talk every day to reinforce it.

Right. Uh, sure.

Um, listen, I’m really sorry that I criticized your parenting.

That was a total overstep.

Hmm.

So, uh, you know, can we just move on?

Oh, I did already. I assumed you had too.

I just did.

Well, come in, come in because Britney really needs us.

[Leah] Right.

Oh no!

[dealer] No more bets.

[Jack] Hey, there he is.

Easy, big fella. What are we doing here?

Donnie, change me out for five grand.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No. What are you doing? What are you doing?

It’s okay. I’m due.

Mike, you’ve gambled, like, four times in your life, okay?

How the fuck are you due?

All right, Jack.

I’m a conservative man.

I drive a four-door sedan with seven airbags.

I got a vasectomy.

Guess what?

She got pregnant anyway.

Then I lost my job, my company, my retirement, all because I decided to exercise free speech in the back of a goddamn rental car!

So, yeah, Jack. I think I’m fucking due!

Okay, okay. Sorry.

But look. Look around the casino, Mike. Everybody here thinks they’re due.

Look at that poor lady. She looks like she’s scuba diving.

Hey. Is that Aspen Bell?

No fucking way.

Holy shit. That is him.

Told you my luck’s changing.

Let’s go.

[“Root Down” by Beastie Boys playing]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I kick it root down I put my root down ♪

♪ I kick it root down I put my root down ♪

♪ So, how we gonna kick it? ♪

♪ Gonna kick it root down ♪

♪ Yeah, how you wanna kick it? ♪

♪ Gonna kick it root down ♪

♪ So, how you gonna kick it? ♪

♪ Gonna kick it root down ♪

♪ Gonna break it on down Gonna kick it root down ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh shit!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Hey!

Hey, man! What’s up?

Oh fuck! What the fuck?

Yeah, motherfucker!

Look at us when we’re talking, corporate piece of shit!

You fucked with the wrong dads, ese.

What, are you here pissing away the money you made off the company we built?

Did you book a suite, motherfucker?

No, no, no, no. Guys, I’m… I’m here for sensitivity training.

You should be. ‘Cause you’re a fucking dick!

Wait a second. Wait a second. Sensitivity training? What’s that?

Did you guys know that Native Americans take offense to the term “spirit animal”?

Wait. Did you get in trouble for selling those Ed Cameron T-shirts?

Suspended indefinitely, actually.

I think that’s millennial for “fired.”

[all laughing]

That’s what happens to punk motherfuckers!

How ironic!

Yeah, how’d it feel to get fired for absolutely nothing?

“I appreciate you!”

[Aspen crying]

Oh boy. Oh my God!

What’s happening?

[Mike] Oh Jesus!

[Aspen] Fucking Twitter. They fucking posted me.

All right, relax.

They fucking put my home address on Reddit.

And my girlfriend left me.

[Aspen sobbing]

[Britney] Yeah, but you didn’t see the look on his face.

I don’t think he wants to be with me anymore.

Trust me. He does.

How do you know?

Because Connor has that look on his face all the time.

It means nothing.

It has to mean something.

This is what it means.

It means they need us. They know it. It bothers them.

Oh please.

Do not look to me for advice, okay?

I married an absolute lunatic.

Do you know that he tried to fight an entire row of college kids at the ArcLight Cinema on our second date?

And it worked. It totally charmed me.

I let him touch my boobs.

[both chuckle]

I guess I was hoping for something more, but Cara’s right.

I think, when it comes to guys, there’s just not a lot of layers.

So, anyway, what I’m trying to say is it’s one of the only things in life that lives up to the hype.

I mean, nothing you’re gonna achieve in your career can even touch it, so if you feel that way about Hannah, you should go and tell her.

‘Cause the only thing that matters in life is if you love someone and they love you.

That’s all that matters. That and your kids.

Jesus Christ! Look at the fucking ass on her.

[Aspen] Oh my God! Yeah.

[DJ] All right! Let’s get those Tuesday night dollars coming.

Come with me.

[dance music playing]

Oh, no, thank you. I’m… I’m good.

That’s not what your friend told me. He paid for two dances.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, baby!

We’re in Palm Desert, buddy!

Your mother’s in Palm Desert, you pussy!

Yeah! “Your mother’s in Palm Desert, you pussy!”

[laughs] My man! We’re not friends.

[dancer] Come on.

Hey, you’re on deck, haircut!

I need you to bring that energy way down.

It’s okay. Really. He’s cool. He’s cool, Randy.

Yeah, it’s okay, Randy. I’m cool.

Give me some.

Pound it out!

Randy!

[dancer 2] Aw, I’m sorry about that.

Oh, that’s okay. I mean, if I were him, I’d be intimidated by me too.

Oh, yeah. You are in great shape.

Oh, yeah? Thank you very much. I work hard at it.

You’re in great shape too. You have awesome skin.

[chuckles] Thank you.

How old are you?

Aw, I can’t tell you that.

How old do you think I am?

[dance music continues]

Forty-nine.

What?

How do you know that?

The neck.

[DJ] Tyler “Blam,” up on the main stage.

[dance music continues]

How you doing?

I think I had a nervous breakdown earlier, but I’m cool now.

Aw, that’s hella scary.

Well, don’t worry, Daddy.

Just don’t call me “Daddy.”

What do you want me to call you?

Call me Mike.

That’s no fun.

I’m gonna call you Hella Mike.

Mmm. Hella Mike.

[hip-hop music playing]

Fuck this place, man.

I don’t look 49. Do I look 49?

Forty-seven.

Man, fuck you!

See that guy over there? That’s a 49-year-old man.

Let me tell you something.

You have no idea how awesome I was at your age.

I was dating two chicks at the same time, both of them named Amy, and they knew about each other.

And they loved it. Happy to share me.

I used to hang out with my boys whenever I wanted, man.

I could eat whatever I wanted, crush Rolling Rocks all day, slept until I wasn’t tired anymore.

One time, Julio Iglesias came up to me in an airport, dead certain I was his son, Enrique.

The fucking kind of vibe I was putting out, bro!

And it was effortless. It was fucking effortless.

[laughs] That’s ridiculous.

I was ridiculous.

[DJ] Throw those dollars, guys. Come on.

♪ Uh, I’m Hella Mike! That’s what I like! ♪

♪ I’m Hella Mike! That’s what I like, uh ♪

I don’t know.

I have faced a lot of stuff in my life.

The fear of losing my family is worse than anything I’ve ever faced before.

My brain just keeps playing out this scenario about what could happen.

You know, seeing my kid every other weekend.

My wife’s gonna be married to some fucking orthopedist.

Levelheaded cocksucker.

[hip-hop music continues]

Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe Leah’s right.

Maybe I’m not cut out for this shit.

I mean, I love being a dad and everything.

Holy shit, that’s her. Shut the fuck up!

Leah, hey, hi! Listen, I am so sorry for everything that I said.

What?

Wait, who is this?

Ha! Uh! Ooh! Uh! Uh!

[girls exclaim]

Mike! Mike! Mike! Britney called.

Leah’s in labor.

Thank God! Man, you scared the shit out of me.

[laughs]

Congratulations!

Thank you.

Ladies, my man Jack here is about to become a father again.

[gasps]

That’s so amazing!

Oh, thank you.

You’re gonna be such a great dad.

I appreciate that.

I’m so happy for you, man.

[Jack] Oh, thanks, buddy.

She’s a couple of weeks early, so I’m freaking out.

Let’s get the fuck out of here.

You go ahead. I’m good.

The fuck are you talking about?

I’m not going back.

This is me now. Hella Mike!

Whoo!

Hella Mike? Who the fuck is Hella Mike?

[laughing]

Hella Mike? Mike, you’re hella hammered.

Uh! Uh!

Mike, there’s a situation back home that you can and will deal with because you’re a fucking man.

Look at me. You’re a fucking man.

Mike, come on.

You’re absolutely right, Jack.

[sighs] I love you, man.

I love you too, man.

[both] Aw!

[hip-hop music continues]

[Aspen] Hey, man.

Uh, that’s your third gimlet in, like, five minutes. Are you okay?

“Hey, man.” Let me tell you something.

Don’t ever count another man’s drinks.

And one more thing.

Don’t ever get fucking married.

[chuckles]

[gulps]

[choking]

[Aspen] Connor?

Connor, what the fuck? Are you okay?

[choking]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do I do? What the fuck? Oh fuck!

[Connor grunts]

[indistinct DJ announcement]

[Aspen] Shit!

Hey! I told you to fucking relax!

[Aspen] Wait!

Oh shit!

[man] What the fuck, man?

[Aspen] He’s choking! He’s choking!

[Mike] Oh shit!

[Jack] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Relax! Relax!

[Mike] He’s with us.

[Mike] Shit!

[Jack grunts]

I’m not with them! I’m not with them!

[both grunt]

[DJ] Whoa! Barbara!

[groaning, choking]

[Jack, muffled] My wife is in labor!

[growls]

Get off!

Hey, congrats on becoming a father.

[muffled] Where the fuck are you going?

[screaming]

[DJ] Ladies are still dancing.

[Jack] Connor!

[DJ] Don’t mind that skirmish.

I’m not with them! I’m not with them! Tell them I’m not with you guys!

You okay, buddy?

[gasps, grunts]

[Jack] You all right, buddy?

[gasps] I’m back!

[grunts]

[Jack] Connor! Oh shit!

[both groaning]

[Aspen] Hey! Hey!

Yeah, that’s right! TikTok LIVE, motherfuckers!

Documenting your use of excessive force on these poor, defenseless dads.

Get that fucking camera!

Guys, guys, run! Run!

Fuck! Shit! Oh God! I am an innocent bystander here!

[Connor] We gotta go, Mike!

[panting]

Oh no! Please let me go! Don’t touch me! I gotta pee!

[DJ] That’s Arabella on stage two.

[music fades]

Guys, I’m too hammered. Can either one of you drive?

Oh fuck.

[car horn honking]

[car horn blaring]

[Jack] All right.

One of you guys better be Connor!

You Richie?

How’d you know my name?

Oh, they say it on the phone.

[Connor] The picture’s different.

Do you mind if we move those golf clubs out of the back seat?

Yeah, I mind.

Why?

Because they’re a full set of Lee Trevino.

Wooden heads.

So you’re gonna shut the fuck up, sit up here in the front seat, and stop being such a fucking Mary.

[Mike] Are you fucking happy?

[Connor] That’s good enough for me. Let’s go.

Jesus! Now, let me see where you guys are sending us.

Um… Oh, for Chrissake! Memorial Hospital?

That’s downtown LA. It’s 100 miles, bud.

Yeah. Yeah, my wife’s in labor. She’s having a baby. Let’s go!

Wait a second. How old are you?

Fifty-one.

You still can fire a shot.

=That’s very cool. I like that.

[Jack] Thank you.

Dude, what rideshare did you call?

I could call another driver.

I speak English.

♪ Splish splash, I was takin’ a bath ♪

♪ ‘Long about a Saturday night ♪

♪ Rub dub, just relaxing in the tub ♪

♪ Thinkin’ everything was all right ♪

♪ Then, I stepped out the tub Put my feet on the floor ♪

♪ Wrapped my towel around me I opened the door ♪

♪ And then a splish splash I jumped back in the bath ♪

♪ How was I to know There was a party going on? ♪

♪ Bing bang, I saw the whole gang Dancing on my living room rug ♪

♪ Flip flop, they was doing the bop… ♪

Goddamn it, you fucking whore!

[car horn honking]

[Richie] Ugh! What a fucking sewer.

That’s why I left this goddamn city.

Every blond-headed dipshit with a dream has to come all the way down here, suck dick to host a fucking game show. [laughing]

Richie, I’m gonna miss the birth of my kid.

Oh, who gives a shit, bud?

You know where I was when my rotten kid was born?

I was down the street in a bar.

Having a beer, eating fried clams, ’cause that’s the way it went then.

[car horn honking]

[man] Let’s go!

Richie, can we make a fucking U-turn or something here?

I’ve been trying to make U-turns since I was 36 years old, bud.

Can’t be done!

I’ll tell you, the biggest mistake I ever made in my life was…

[thud]

You fudge-packing asshole!

Oh fuck, it’s a parade! Please go right ahead!

When is the last time you ever saw one of those bastards obey a stop sign?

[pensive music playing]

Where are you going? Wait.

Hey, Jack! What are you do…

Jack. Jack.

Fuck. Zero stars, Richie. Zero stars!

[car horn honking]

Go dodge a draft, asshole!

Oh, that’s a good idea. That’s a good idea, Jack.

What do I do?

Just take the picture.

I took the picture. Am I good?

You’re good.

What are they? How do I work these?

[Connor] It’s like a fucking skateboard. Just push it. Go! It’s electric!

Get on.

It’s not going!

[Connor] Hit the thing!

What thing?

Hit the thing!

I got it! I got it! I got it!

Come on. Let’s go!

You know I got a flip phone?

What the fuck?

What? I don’t want motherfuckers tracking me!

Man, nobody gives a shit where you are. Get on! Come on! Come on!

Oh shit!

Easy!

All right!

[Connor] Christ!

Whoo! These things are awesome. These fucking things are awesome!

[upbeat instrumental music playing]

[car horn honks]

Share the road!

We’re gonna lead! [laughs]

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoo!

Whoo!

[upbeat instrumental music continues]

Go, go, go!

Maternity? Maternity?

Thank you.

Jack?

That’s a good move.

[music fades]

I missed it?

I fucking missed it. I missed it.

Daddy!

Hey, buddy, how are you?

Daddy, I have a baby sister.

Yes, you do.

[sobs]

Are you crying?

[sobs] A little bit.

A little bit.

Why?

[sniffles] ‘Cause I messed up, buddy. I messed up. I messed up.

It’s okay. Rub some dirt on it.

[chuckles]

Yeah, rub some dirt on it, right? [sniffles] You’re the best, buddy.

No, you’re the best.

[tender music playing]

Jack, you wanna pull yourself together and come meet your daughter?

Yeah.

Hey, I got you these.

[baby cries]

She’s beautiful.

Here. Here, princess.

Just a second. No skin-to-skin with the glitter.

Oh. Yeah, right.

Listen, Leah, I know you’re super pissed at me.

And you have every right to be.

[tape tearing]

Okay, but I want you to know I love you to death.

And I’m so sorry I let things get the way they did between us.

[sniffles]

I know I have a lot of work to do, but I want you to know I’m not gonna spread my anger onto these kids, and you’re not gonna have to deal with it anymore.

[tender music continues]

I’m going to get help, all right?

I’m seeking help from a professional.

And you came to this realization at a strip club?

Yeah.

Yes, I did.

Probably another reason I need to go to therapy.

[sniffles]

[nurse] Hmm.

For what it’s worth, I got my first appointment on Tuesday.

You’re really lucky we make beautiful babies.

[chuckles]

Yeah. Can I see her?

Yeah.

Okay.

Meet your daddy.

Hey, princess. Hey.

[baby coos]

Am I gonna have to move the Kleenex to your side of the bed?

[chuckles] Yeah, probably.

Huh?

Look at those eyes.

Hey. Oh my God.

She’s beautiful. Look at you.

What are we gonna call her?

I was thinking…

[Cara] Where’s your fucking ring?

Oh yeah. It’s probably somewhere, like, in my lower intestine.

Your wedding ring is inside your body right now?

It’s metal. It’ll pass.

[Connor] Yeah.

What the fuck, Connor?

Okay, okay, okay. Let’s take that outside.

In fact, anyone who is not an immediate member of the family, out.

[Mike] Here we go.

You guys made a beautiful baby.

Thank you, Mike.

So…

Is there anything you wanna tell me about your little trip?

Nope. [inhales deeply]

I’m good. [exhales]

No more Hella Mike.

Who’s Hella Mike?

I don’t really know.

But I do know that he made some decisions over the last 17 hours, and I don’t like how things turned out.

But just know that I love you and… I mean, you know, there’s a lot of crazy shit going on in the news.

And it’s not just the booze talking, but I just fucking…

[Mike sighs]

Britney, would you do me the honor of becoming my bride?

Michael Jahim Richards.

I am not answering that question in the middle of a hospital!

[Mike] My bad.

Get up! Jesus!

Get up! Come on! Take a shower! Buy a ring! Show some effort!

At least take me to Tony Roma’s or something.

How about Ruth’s Chris?

I mean, I do love Ruth’s Chris.

I’m just so sick of your fucking excuses.

What? It’s not an excuse, Cara.

I’m in actual fucking pain, which is something you can’t relate to because you block it out with your cold, reptilian mindset.

You think I’m cold?

Babe, when you open your legs,

I can actually hear the East German National Anthem.

Ah! [chuckles]

Finally, a little fucking emotion!

Are you trying to tell me you don’t wanna be with me anymore?

No. No, babe.

I’m just telling you that I don’t wanna live my life this way anymore.

I would like to be less afraid of you.

You know, and maybe not have every minute of my life scheduled.

I would also like to eat carbohydrates every once in a while.

And speakin’ of,

would an occasional blow job fuckin’ kill you?

No cap.

[gasps]

Did you fuckin’ see that?

No cap! No cap! That means… that means that’s true!

Okay. Okay, Connor.

No cap! No cap!

[celebratory music playing]

For the record, it mean “no lie.”

That’s what I meant!

That’s what I meant!

[music stops]

Oh fuck.

[instrumental rock music playing]

[Jack] This is the best part of my day, every day. Still.

And things are better now.

We sent Nate to the local public school and threw a ripper down at the VFW that raised a shitload of money for it.

[cheering]

[Jack] I’m sure some of the programs aren’t at the private school level, but they still play tackle football, and you can pick your kids up whenever the fuck you get there.

We never did get our two hours with Doctor Lois.

Turns out she was embezzling all that money we raised for the school to keep her creditors at bay.

But at the end of the day, she’s a white woman, so she’s not going to jail.

She’ll probably get a book deal.

Meanwhile, that crazy Ed Cameron finally figured himself out.

He came out of the closet and ended up marrying the cute old guy from Judas Priest.

Mike sued the owners of Trifecta for age discrimination, and we got some of our equity back.

Connor blew his share on a neck lift.

Nice!

[Jack] Life is good. And I’ve been in therapy, doin’ the work.

Leah says she’s seen a noticeable change.

I don’t let things get to me the way they used to.

[man] Excuse me. Sir.

You really think that’s smart?

Throwin’ a ball around like that with a baby strapped to your chest?

You know what? I didn’t even think of that.

Thank you for that information. I appreciate it.

Yeah, absolutely.

[Jack] Have a nice day.

Fuckin’ asshole.

[“Apeman” by The Kinks playing]

♪ I think I’m sophisticated… ♪

[Jack] Come on, buddy. Nice throw.

[loud thud]

[music stops]

Holy shit. You all right, buddy?

[“Apeman” resumes playing]

[Jack] Just walk it off.

♪ I think I’m sophisticated ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m living my life Like a good homosapien… ♪

[Jack] All right, let’s try to get ten in a row here. That was crazy, huh?

♪ Everybody’s multiplying ♪

♪ And they’re walking round Like flies, man… ♪

[Jack] Nice throw! Nice throw! There you go.

♪ Sitting in their cages In the zoo, man… ♪

[Jack] Another nice throw. Right here.

Gets the ball over to first base!

♪ I am an apeman ♪

♪ I think I’m so educated And I’m so civilized ♪

♪ ‘Cause I’m a strict vegetarian ♪

♪ But with the over-population And inflation and starvation ♪

♪ And the crazy politicians ♪

♪ I don’t feel safe in this world No more ♪

♪ I don’t want to die in a nuclear war ♪

♪ I want to sail away to a distant shore ♪

♪ And make like an apeman ♪

♪ I’m an apeman, I’m an ape apeman No, I’m an apeman ♪

♪ I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voodoo man ♪

♪ No, I’m an apeman ♪

♪ ‘Cause compared to the sun That sits in the sky ♪

♪ Compared to the clouds as they roll by ♪

♪ Compared to the bugs And the spiders and flies ♪

♪ I am an apeman ♪

[music fades]

[Bill Burr] Oh, Jesus.

[instrumental rock music playing]

[instrumental rock music fades]

[instrumental ethereal music playing]

[instrumental ethereal music fades]