Love and Death (1975)
Directed by Woody Allen
Woody Allen followed the slapstick sci-fi of Sleeper by going back to the 19th century with this zinger-filled spoof of heavyweight Russian fiction. As well as parodying Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky, Allen tips his hat to the Marx Brothers, especially with this sequence’s relentlessly silly volley of words — pure Groucho. Despite being a self-styled “militant coward”, Boris (Woody Allen) has agreed to join Sonia (Diane Keaton) in her plot to assassinate Napoleon, hoping it’ll get her to jump into bed with him. Together they arrive at the emperor’s residence, impersonating Spanish royalty.
* * *
INT. NAPOLEON’S MANSION — EVENING
A small crowd has gathered around Boris and Sonia. Sonia has a glass of Champagne in her hand and is starting to get into the act.
Sonia: Mmm, yes, yes, Spain is quite warm this time of year. Barcelona is warmer than Madrid, but, then, the people are so different, the Barcelonians and the Madridniks.
Officer: Are all the ladies in Spain as beautiful as you are, madam?
Sonia: (laughs) Well, not all. You gotta have some beasts.
A general approaches the officer.
Officer: Oh, general. Do excuse me, madam.
They walk away and the crowd disperses.
Boris: Take it easy, will you? You’re making a fool of yourself.
Sonia: (swigging from her glass) Hey, this is good Champagne.
Boris: Yeah? Have you had enough or are you gonna drink another case?
Sonia: I’ll be fine — all I need is a few solids.
Boris: A few solids, huh? You should drink a blotter.
An upper-class French lady approaches them.
Lady: Oh, I believe I had the pleasure of meeting your sister once.
Sonia: My sister? Which one?
Lady: I thought you only had one?
Sonia: One? Oh, no, no. Actually, well, I have a half-sister. Well, no, not exactly half. Its two-fifths…
Major domo: Ladies and gentlemen, His Imperial Highness, the Emperor Napoleon.
Triumphant music swells as Napoleon enters the room, walking straight up to Boris.
Napoleon: So, you are Don Francisco?
Boris: Yes. I have regards from your brother in Spain. He says you went away, you don’t write, nothing comes on Friday night, he never hears from you. You took his razor, you never returned it…
Napoleon: (bowing) This is an honour for me.
Boris: (bowing) No, a greater honour for me.
Napoleon: (bowing) No, a greater honour for me.
Boris: (bowing) No, it’s a greater honour for me.
Napoleon: (bowing) No, a greater honour for me.
Boris: (bowing) Well, perhaps you’re right Perhaps it is a greater honour for you.
Napoleon: (to Sonia) And you must be Don Francisco’s sister?
Sonia: (bowing) No, you must be Don Francisco’s sister.
Napoleon: (bowing) No, you must be Don Francisco’s sister.
Sonia: (bowing) No, you must be Don Francisco’s sister.
Boris: (bowing) No, it’s a greater honour for me.
Napoleon: I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humour.
Boris: Yeah, she’s a great kidder.
Sonia: No, you’re a great kidder.
Boris: (bowing) No, you’re Don Francisco’s sister.
General: Shall we dine?
Boris: Oh, can we eat first?
