Clerks (1994) | Transcript

Clerks (1994)
Director: Kevin Smith
Writer: Kevin Smith
Stars: Brian O’Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Marilyn Ghigliotti

Plot: Dante Hicks is not having a good day. He clerks in a small convenience store and is told to come into work on his day off. Dante thinks life is a series of down endings and this day proves to be no different. He reads in the newspaper that his ex-girlfriend Caitlin is getting married. His present girlfriend reveals to have somewhat more experience with sex that he thought. His principal concerns are the hockey game he has that afternoon and the wake for a friend who died. His buddy Randal Graves works as a clerk in the video store next door and he hates his job as much as Dante hates his.

* * *

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hello.

What?

No, I don’t work today.

I’m playing hockey at 2:00.

Why don’t you call Randal?

‘Cause I’m fuckin’ tired!

I just closed last night.

Jesus.

What time do you think you’re gonna come in, 12:00?

Be there by 12:00? Where?

Swear you’ll be there by 12:00 and I’ll do it.

12:00, or I walk.

(SLURPING)

It’s a meaningless end to the story

Got no time for the forgotten glory

And now just when I know what I’m after

It just brings me to laughter

(ENGINE STARTS)

Just save up all your nickels and dimes

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Let’s see what you find and you know

I guess I’m livin’ day to day

Just in case you feel led astray, hell, yeah

I guess I’m livin’ day to day Hear what I say, yeah

Just save up all your nickels and dimes

Let’s see what you find and you know

I’d just die for a piece of that pie but

I’ll be glad to just feast on that pie crust

And now just when I know what I’m after

It just brings me to laughter

Shit!

Just save up all your nickels and dimes

Let’s see what you find and you know

I guess I’m livin’ day to day

Just so glad to be led astray Hell, yeah

I guess I’m livin’ day to day

Hear what I say

Well

It’s a meaningless end to the story

Got no time for the forgotten glory

And now just when I know what I’m after

It just brings me to laughter

Just save up all your nickels and dimes

Let’s see what you find and you know

I guess I’m livin’ day to day

Just hopin’ to be led astray Hell, yeah

I guess I’m livin’ day to day

Hear what I say Oh, yeah

Ooh-hoo

Thanks. Have a good one.

Do you mind if I drink this here?

Go ahead.

You open?

Yeah.

Pack of cigarettes.

Are you sure?

Am I sure?

Are you sure?

About what?

Do you really wanna buy those?

Are you serious?

How long you been smoking?

What is this, a poll?

How long you been a smoker?

I don’t know. Since I was about 13.

Thirteen. Let’s see, you’re about 19,20?

Am I right?

What in the hell is that?

That’s your lung. By this time, your lung looks like this.

You’ve gotta be shitting me.

You think I’m shitting you?

Here.

What’s this?

A trach ring.

They install it in your throat when cancer takes your voice box.

This one came out of a 60-year-old man.

Oh, God!

He smoked until the day he died.

He used to put the cigarette in and smoke that way.

Excuse me, but…

This is where you’re heading.

Cruddy lung, smoking through a hole in your throat.

Do you want that?

If it’s already too late, I guess…

No, it’s never too late. Put the cigarettes back, and try some gum instead.

Here. Chewlies gum. Try this.

It’s not the same.

It’s cheaper than cigarettes, and it certainly beats this.

Oh, Jesus!

It’s a picture of a cancer-ridden lung.

Keep it.

I’ll just take the gum.

Fifty five.

You made a very wise choice. Keep up the good work.

If you’re gonna drink that coffee, I think you oughta take it outside.

I think I’ll drink it in here. Thanks.

If you’re gonna drink it here, I’d appreciate it if you don’t bother the customers.

Okay. I’m sorry about that.

Pack of cigarettes. What’s that?

This?

How long you been smoking?

Kill the drummer

Kill the bass player Kill both bass players

This song is the reason why I’m now going deaf

We need some tits and ass. Yeah!

I feel good today, Silent Bob. We’re gonna make some money.

Know what we’re gonna do? Go to that party and get some pussy.

I’m gonna fuck this bitch. I’ll fuck anything that moves!

What the fuck you lookin’ at? I’ll kick your fuckin’ ass!

Shit, yeah. Don’t that motherfucker owe me 10 bucks?

Tonight we’re going to rip off this fucker’s head, take out his fuckin’ soul.

Remind me if he tries to buy something.

I’m gonna shit in the motherfucker’s bag.

(GIRL LAUGHING)

What’s up, baby? What’s up, sluts?

Yeah. Silent Bob, you’re a rude motherfucker, you know that?

You’re cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal.

Hey, you fucking faggot? I hate guys.

I love women!

What you want, Grizzly Adams?

You’re spending what, 20, maybe $30 a week on your cigarettes?

Forty.

Fifty three.

$53 a week on cigarettes! Come on!

Would you give somebody that much each week to kill you?

That’s what you’re doing now by paying for this so called privilege to smoke!

We’re gonna croak sometime.

It’s that mentality that allows the cancer producing industry to thrive.

Of course we’re all gonna die someday! Do we have to pay for it?

Do we have to throw hard-earned dollars on the counter and say, “Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and clothes, and fry my lungs!”

DANTE: Now, wait a second.

Here comes the speech about how he’s just doing his job by following orders.

Let me tell you about another group of hate mongers who followed orders.

Who’s that?

They were called Nazis!

That’s right.

Friggin’ Nazi.

They practically wiped an entire nation off the Earth, like your cigarettes are doing now!

DANTE: I think you’d oughta leave.

You want me to leave. Why?

‘Cause somebody’s telling it like it is, giving these fine people a wake-up call?

No, you’re loitering and causing a disturbance.

I’m a disturbance? You’re the disturbance, pal.

Here, now I am a customer. I’m gonna buy some Chewlies Gum.

I’m a customer engaged in a discussion with the other customers.

That’s right.

Smoke my big fat cock!

He’s scared now ’cause he sees the threat we present.

He smells the change is coming!

You are the source in this area, and we’re gonna shut you down for good!

For good, cancer merchant!

(CHANTING) Cancer merchant! Cancer merchant!

Who’s leading this mob?

(COUGHING) That guy.

(COUGHING CONTINUES)

(WOMAN) Freeze!

Let’s see some credentials. Slowly!

You’re a Chewlies Gum representative?

MAN: Chewlies?

You’re stirring up anti-smoking sentiment to, what, sell more gum?

Get out of here!

And you people, don’t you have jobs to go to? Get out of here. Go commute.

You oughta be ashamed of yourselves. A bunch of easily led automatons.

Try thinking for yourselves before you pelt an innocent man with cigarettes!

(COUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, pack of cigarettes?

Don’t you think you’re taking this too hard?

Too hard?

I have enough indignities in my life and people start throwing cigarettes at me.

At least they weren’t lit.

I hate this fucking place.

Then quit. You should be going to school anyway.

Veronica, the last thing I need is a lecture.

All I’m saying is, if you’re that unhappy, you should leave.

I’m not even supposed to be here today!

I know.

I stopped by your house. Your mom told me you left, at 6:00.

The guy got sick. He couldn’t come in.

Don’t you have a hockey game at 2:00?

Yes.

I’m gonna play like shit because I didn’t have a good night’s sleep.

Why’d you agree to come in?

I’m only here until 12:00.

After that, I’m gone. The boss comes in.

Why don’t you open the shutters?

Someone jammed gum in the locks.

You’re kidding.

Bunch of savages in this town.

Thanks.

How much did you leave up there?

Three dollars in mixed change and a couple of singles.

This time in the morning, people just get a paper or coffee.

You’re trusting.

Why do you say that?

How do you know they’re taking the right change

or paying for what they take?

Theoretically, people see money, no one around,

they think they’re being watched.

Honesty through paranoia.

Why do you smell like shoe polish?

I needed shoe polish to make that sign out there.

Smell won’t come off.

(DOOR OPENS)

You think anybody can see us down here?

Why, you wanna have sex or something?

Can we?

Really?

I was kidding.

Like you can’t get enough of me.

Typically male point of view.

How do you figure?

Show some bedroom proficiency, you think you’re gods.

What about what we do for you?

Women?

Women as lovers are basically the same. They just have to be there.

Be there?

Making a male climax isn’t at all challenging.

Insert somewhere close, preferably moist, thrust, repeat.

How flattering.

Now, making a woman come, therein lies a challenge.

You think so?

A woman makes a guy come, it’s standard.

A guy makes a woman come, it’s talent.

And I actually date you?

Something wrong?

I’m insulted. Believe me, Don Juan, it takes more than that to get a guy off.

Just being there, as you put it, is not enough.

I’ve touched a nerve.

I’m astonished to hear you trivialize my role in our sex life.

It wasn’t directed at you. It’s a broad generalization.

You’re making a generalization about broads.

Those are my opinions based on the few women

who were goodly enough to sleep with me.

How many?

How many what?

How many different girls have you slept with?

Didn’t we have this discussion before?

We might have.

I don’t remember. How many?

Including you?

It better be up to and including me.

Twelve.

You slept with 12 different girls?

Including you? Yes.

Ow! What’d you do that for?

You’re a pig!

Why’d you hit me?

Do you know how many men I’ve had sex with?

Do I get to hit you after you tell me?

Three.

Three?

Three, including you.

You only slept with three people?

I’m not the pig you are.

Who?

You!

No, who are the three, besides me.

John Franson and Rob Stanslyk.

Wow.

That’s why you should feel like a pig. You men make me sick.

You’ll sleep with anything that says yes.

Animal, mineral or vegetable.

Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.

They put up the least amount of struggle.

After dropping a bombshell like that, you owe me big.

Name it.

I want you to come with me on Monday.

Where?

To school.

There’s a seminar about getting back into a scholastic program

after a lapse in enrollment.

Can’t we have a discussion without that?

It’s important to me, Dante.

You have so much potential going to waste in this pit.

I wish you’d go back to school.

Stop. You’re making my head hurt.

Shit! Why’re you getting up?

I have class in 45 minutes.

Willam?

Hey, Ronni. How you been, man?

What, do you work here now?

No, I was visiting my man.

Dante, this is Willam Black. This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.

How you doing? Just the soda?

No, and a pack of cigarettes.

So where you been, man? Still going to Seton Hall?

No, I transferred into Monmouth this year. I was tired of missing him.

That’s beautiful, man.

So, you still talk to Silvan?

I just talked to her on Monday. We still hang out on weekends.

Oh, that’s great.

Well, you two lovebirds take it easy, okay?

Bye. Take it easy.

RONNI: That was Snowball. DANTE: Why do you call him that?

Silvan made it up. It’s a blowjob thing.

What do you mean?

After the blowjob, he likes to have it spit back into his mouth while kissing.

It’s called snowballing.

He requests this?

He gets off on it.

Silvan can be talked into anything.

Why do you say that?

Like you said, she snowballed him.

Silvan? No, I snowballed him.

Yeah, right.

I’m serious.

You sucked that guy’s dick?

Yeah. How do you think I knew…

You said you had sex with three guys. You never mentioned him.

Because I never had sex with him.

You sucked his dick!

We went out a few times. We never had sex, but we fooled around.

Oh, my God. Why did you tell me you only had sex with three guys?

Because I did only have sex with three guys.

Doesn’t mean I didn’t go with people.

I feel so nauseous.

I’m sorry. I thought you understood.

I did understand!

That you had sex with three guys and that’s all you said!

Please calm down.

How many?

How many dicks have you sucked?

Let it go!

Shut up and I’ll tell you. Jesus!

I didn’t freak out when you told me how many girls you fucked!

This is different. This is important. How many?

Well?

Something like 36.

What? Something like 36?

Lower your voice.

What is that? “Something like 36”?

Does that include me?

Uh… 37.

I’m 37?

I’m going to class.

Oh, my God.

Thirty-seven! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!

In a row?

Where you going?

Listen, jerk. Until today, you never knew

how many guys I slept with because you never bothered to ask.

You act all nonchalant about fucking 12 girls. I never had sex with 12 guys!

You sucked enough dick!

I went down on a few guys.

A few?

One was you. The last one, I might add.

Which, if you’re too stupid to comprehend,

means I’ve been faithful since we met.

All the others I went with before I met you.

If you want to have a complex, go ahead.

Don’t look at me like the town whore,

you were plenty busy before you met me.

Why couldn’t you sleep with them like any other decent person?

Because going down isn’t a big deal.

I liked a guy, we’d make out, and I’d go down on him.

But I only had sex with the guys I loved.

I feel sick.

I love you! Don’t feel sick.

Every time I kiss you, I’m gonna taste 36 other guys.

I’m going to school. Maybe later you’ll be more rational.

I’m 37! I just can’t…

Goodbye, Dante!

Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!

Hey! Hey, you! Get back here.

I thought that place was supposed to be open at 11:00. It’s 11:20.

I’ve already called his house twice. He’ll be here soon.

Hey, it’s not like it’s a demanding job over there.

I’d like to get paid to sit on my ass and watch TV.

I walked in the other day, that son of a bitch was sleeping.

I’m sure he wasn’t sleeping.

Are you calling me a liar?

Are you calling me a liar?

No! He was probably resting his eyes.

What the hell is that, “Resting his eyes”?

Like he’s some air traffic controller?

Actually, that’s his night job.

Wise ass too, huh? Go ahead. Keep cracking wise.

That’s why you jockey a register in some fuckin’ convenience store

instead of working at a steady job.

I’ve got no time to bullshit around, waiting for that son of a bitch.

Make sure he gets that.

The number’s 812. My name’s Wynarski.

I wanted a movie tonight.

If you tell me the movie title, he’ll hold it for you.

Don’t hurt yourself, buddy. I’ll go to Big Choice Video instead.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

You forgot your keys.

Guy ain’t here yet.

You’re kidding! It’s almost 11:30.

I’ve been here since 11:00.

I hate it when I can’t rent videos!

I would’ve went to Big Choice, but the tape I want is on that wall.

Really? Which one? Dental School.

You came for that too? That’s the movie I came for.

I have first dibs.

Says who?

Says me. I’ve been here half an hour. I’d call that first dibs.

Ain’t gonna happen. I’m getting it.

Like hell you are.

I’ll bet you 20 bucks you don’t get to rent that tape.

Twenty bucks?

Twenty bucks.

All right, asshole. You’re on.

You’re late.

What are you doing here?

The boss called. Arthur fell ill.

Why are the shutters closed?

Someone jammed gum in the locks.

Bunch of savages in this town.

That’s what I said.

If I’d known you were here, I’d have come even later.

What smells like shoe polish?

Go open the store.

Hey, you see a set of keys around here?

No time for love, Dr. Jones.

Fucking kids.

Some guy just came in refusing to pay late fees.

Said the store was closed for two hours yesterday. I tore up his membership.

Shocking abuse of authority.

I’m a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class,

especially since I rule.

RANDAL: Want something to drink? DANTE: No, thanks.

Who was on your phone this morning, like, 2:30?

I was trying to call for half an hour.

Why?

I wanted to use your car. Snack cake.

You don’t wanna know.

You call Caitlin again?

She called me.

You tell Veronica?

One fight a day is all I can stomach.

What do you fight about?

We don’t fight about anything.

She wants me to leave here, go back to school, get some direction.

I bet the most frequent topic of argument is Caitlin.

You win.

I’m going to offer you some advice.

Let the past be the past. Forget Caitlin. You been with Veronica how long?

Seven months.

Chick’s nuts about you.

How long you date Caitlin?

Five years.

Chick made you nuts. She cheated on you how many times?

Eight and a half.

Eight and a half?

Party at John Kay’s, senior year. I pass out in his bedroom.

Caitlin jumps all over me.

So that’s cheating?

In the middle of it she called me Brad.

She called you Brad?

That’s not cheating. People say crazy shit during sex.

One time, I called this girl “Mom”.

I hit the light, she freaks.

She thought I was Brad Michaelson.

What?

She was supposed to meet Brad in a dark room. Picked the wrong one.

She didn’t know I was at the party.

God.

Great story, huh?

That girl was vile to you.

Interesting postscript. Know who wound up in there with Brad?

Your mother?

Alan Harris.

Chess team Alan Harris?

The two moved to Idaho together.

They raise sheep.

Frightening.

Different strokes to move the world.

I don’t see how you could romanticize your relationship with Caitlin.

She broke your heart and drove men to deviant lifestyles.

There was a lot of good.

Oh, yeah?

Aside from the cheating, we were a great couple.

That’s what high school was about. Algebra, bad lunch and infidelity.

Think things will be different this time?

They are.

When she calls me now, she’s different. Frightened, vulnerable.

She’s finishing college and about to enter the real world.

Shit, I gotta place an order.

Talkin’ to myself.

I’m listening. She’s leaving college…

And she’s looking for support.

This is leading our relationship to a new level.

What about Veronica?

The arguments Veronica and I have are a manifestation

of a subconscious desire to break up,

to pursue a meaningful relationship with Caitlin.

Caitlin’s on the same wavelength?

It’s safe to say yes.

I think all four of you better talk it over.

All four?

You, Veronica, Caitlin and Caitlin’s fiancé.

Do you sell video tapes?

Yeah. What are you looking for?

Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Uh, one second.

I’m on with the distribution house. Let me make sure they got it.

What’s it called again? Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

CHILD: Happy Scrappy…

She loves it.

Obviously.

This is RST Video calling. Customer number 4352.

I’d like to place an order.

I need one each of the following tapes.

Whispers In The Wind, To Each His Own,

Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning,

All Tit Fucking Volume Eight, I Need Your Cock,

Ass Worshipping Rim Jobbers, My Cunt And Eight Shafts,

Cum Clean, Cum Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III,

Cumming In Socks, Cum On Ilene,

Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum,

Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt,

Men Alone II: The KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips,

oh, yeah, and All Holes Filled with Hard Cock.

Yup. Oh, wait a minute. What was that called again?

I’m a needle, you know

Never want to be a haystack

Don’t ever want to break your heart in two

Know the crowd is gonna sell their soul

Take it anywhere I know Well, I promise you

It’s making me sick

Yes, I’d like to check on a misprint in today’s edition.

Today’s edition.

It says, “Bree to wed Asian design major.”

No, everything’s spelled fine.

I was just wondering if the article was a misprint.

I don’t know, a typographical error or something.

Maybe it should say, “Caitlin Bray” or “Caitlin Bre” with one “e”.

I’m a curious party. A curious party.

I’m an ex-boyfriend, and…

I talk to her all the time and she never mentioned this engagement.

That’s why I’m thinking maybe it’s a misprint.

Are you sure? Maybe there’s a vindictive printer working for you.

Meaning like, someone who asked her out once and got shot down,

and this is his revenge by putting this bogus article in the paper.

Hello. Hello?

(SNIFFING)

(CAT MEOWS)

I don’t care if she’s my cousin, I’m gonna knock those boots again tonight.

Look. The fuckin’ human vacuum.

Scumbag, what are you doing?

Hanging with Silent Bob and his cousin.

He’s your cousin?

He’s from Russia too.

No way.

What part of Russia?

Do I look like his fuckin’ biographer?

Olaf, what part of Russia are you from?

Moscow.

He only speaks Russian?

He speaks some English, but not good.

Is he staying here?

He’s moving to the big city this week.

He wants to be a metal singer.

GIRL: No way.

I swear. Olaf, metal.

That’s his fucking metal face. Olaf, girl nice?

(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

That’s fucked up, man.

What did he say?

I don’t know, but this guy’s a character.

He really wants to play metal?

He’s got his own band in Moscow.

Called “Fuck Your Yankee Blue Jeans”.

That doesn’t sound metal.

You gotta hear him sing. Olaf, “Berserker.”

Come on, man, Berserker!

Does he sing in English or Russian?

In English. Come on, Berserker. Girls think sexy.

Ah. Ah.

Watch, he’s gonna sing it. It’s too funny.

My love for you is like a truck, Berserker

Would you like some making fuck, Berserker

That’s fuckin’ funny, man.

Did he say, “making fuck”?

(SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE SOUNDS)

(MAN SCREAMING)

(SOUNDS STOP)

My love for you is ticking clock, Berserker

Would you like to suck my cock, Berserker

That’s beautiful, man.

Hold on to the counter and I’ll pull.

Usually I just turn the can upside down.

Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.

They ought to put a warning on these, like with cigarettes.

I think it’s coming!

Thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.

I’ll throw this out as a precautionary measure.

(CHUCKLING) Stings a little.

A word of advice. Sometimes you got to let those hard-to-reach chips go.

(DOOR OPENS)

Thanks.

That article’s accurate. Caitlin really is getting married.

RANDAL: Know what I just watched?

DANTE: Me pulling a can off some moron’s fist?

RANDAL: Return of the Jedi.

Didn’t you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married.

RANDAL: What did you like better? Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?

DANTE: Empire.

RANDAL: Blasphemy.

DANTE: Empire had the better ending. Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader’s his father. Han gets frozen, taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that’s what life is a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

RANDAL: There was something else going on in Jedi. I never noticed it ’til today. They build another Death Star, right? The first one was fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it.

DANTE: Luke blew it up. Give credit.

RANDAL: The second one was being built when they blew it up.

DANTE: Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

RANDAL: Something never sat right with me that second time. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Something wasn’t right.

DANTE: And you figured it out.

RANDAL: The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people on board were stormtroopers, dignitaries, Imperialists.

DANTE: Basically.

RANDAL: So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil’s punished.

DANTE: And the second time around?

RANDAL: It wasn’t even done being built yet. It was still under construction.

DANTE: So?

RANDAL: A job of that magnitude would require a lot more manpower than the Imperial Army had to offer. I’ll bet they brought independent contractors in. Plumbers, roofers…

DANTE: Not just Imperialists. Is that what you’re getting at?

RANDAL: To get it built quickly, they’d hire anybody that could do the job. Think the average stormtrooper can install a toilet main? All they know is killing.

DANTE: So they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset?

RANDAL: All those contractors brought in are killed. Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. Look, you’re a roofer. Some juicy government contract comes your way. You got a wife and kids, the two-story in suburbia. This is a government contract which means all sorts of benefits. Along come these militants who blast everything within a 3-mile radius. You didn’t ask for that. You had no personal politics. You’re trying to scrape out a living.

I don’t mean to interrupt, what are you talking about?

The ending of Return of the Jedi.

He’s trying to convince me that any independent contractors working on the Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed.

I’m a contractor myself. I’m a roofer.

“Done and Ready Home Improvements.”

Speaking as a roofer, I can tell you a roofer’s personal politics comes into play when choosing jobs.

Like when?

Three weeks ago, I was offered a job up in the hills. Beautiful house.

Tons of property. A simple re-shingling job.

They told me if I could finish it in one day, I would double my price.

Then I realized whose house it was.

DANTE: Whose was it?

Dominic Bambino’s.

“Baby Face” Bambino? The gangster?

The same! The money was right, but the risk was too high.

I knew who he was, and based on that, I turned the job over to a friend.

Based on personal politics.

Right!

The next week, the Foresci family put a hit on Baby Face’s house.

My friend was shot and killed. Didn’t even finish re-shingling.

No way.

MAN: I’m alive because I knew the risk involved in that particular client.

My friend wasn’t so lucky.

Any contractor working on that Death Star knew the risk involved.

If they got killed, it’s their own fault.

A roofer listens to this, not his wallet.

They say so much, but they never tell you if it’s any good.

Are either one of these any good?

Sir?

What?

Are either one of these any good?

I don’t watch movies.

(SIGHS) Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

I find it’s best to stay out of other people’s affairs.

You mean you haven’t heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Nope.

(SIGHS)

Well, what about these two?

They suck.

(SIGHS) These are the same two movies.

You weren’t paying any attention.

No, I wasn’t.

I don’t think your manager would appreciate…

I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am.

I beg your pardon?

Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.

I was only pointing out that you weren’t paying any attention.

And I hope it feels good.

You hope what feels good?

I hope it feels so good to be right.

Nothing’s more exhilarating than pointing out

the shortcomings of others, is there?

(HEAVY SIGH) Well, this is the last time I rent here!

You will be missed.

Screw you!

You’re not allowed to rent here anymore!

JAY: Yeah!

Screw me?

You’ll never believe what this unruly customer said.

Wait.

She in here?

This guy’s going through all the eggs.

This has been going on for 20 minutes now.

What’s he looking for?

Said he has to find the perfect dozen.

Perfect dozen?

Each egg has to be perfect.

The quest isn’t going well?

Obviously not.

Look at the cartons that didn’t make it.

Why doesn’t he mix and match?

I told him that, and he yelled at me.

What’d he say?

He said it’s important to have standards. No one has pride anymore.

It’s not like you laid the eggs yourself.

I give him five more minutes. After that, I’m calling the cops.

I don’t need this. I’m not even supposed to be here today.

Two packs of cigarettes.

I’m as puzzled as you.

I’ve actually seen it before.

You know him?

No, but I know the behavior.

He’s looking for the perfect carton of eggs?

RANDAL: How’d you know?

I’ll bet you he’s a guidance counselor.

DANTE: Why do you say that?

I saw it happen in Food City, last year. Different guy, though.

Stock boy said he looked through cartons for half an hour,

doing all sorts of endurance tests and stuff.

I asked him why nobody ever called the manager, and he said it happens

two, three times a week, sometimes more.

Get out of here.

No, I kid you not.

They call it shell shock. Seems to only happen with guidance counselors.

They used to make a big deal of it. They just let it go now.

They always pay for whatever they break. They never bother anybody.

Why guidance counselors?

If your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn’t you go crazy too?

My guidance counselor was worthless.

See?

It’s important to have a job that makes a difference.

That’s why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.

You can go your own way

Go your own way

You can call it another lonely day

Did you ever notice that all the prices end in 9?

Damn, that’s eerie.

You know how much money the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?

What’s a jizz-mopper?

The guy that cleans up the nudie booths after each guy jerks off.

“Nudie booth”?

Yeah, nudie booth.

You ever been in a nudie booth?

Guess not.

Oh, man, it’s great.

You go into a booth, and there’s glass between you and these chicks.

They put on a show for you for 10 bucks.

What kind of a show?

Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you’d like to see chicks do.

These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body.

Any opening.

Can we not talk about this now?

The jizz-mopper’s job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load.

Everybody does it right on the window.

I don’t know if you know this, cum leaves streaks if you don’t clean it.

I will never come to this place again.

Excuse me?

Using filthy language in front of the customers. You both should be fired.

Oh, I’m sorry. I guess we kinda got carried away.

I don’t know if sorry can make up for it.

You’ve highly offended me.

Well, if you think that’s offensive, check this out.

Oh!

(SCREAMING)

You can see her kidneys.

Why do you do things like that?

You know he’s going tell the boss.

Who cares?

He’s an asshole. Everybody that comes in is way too uptight.

This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers.

I’m gonna hear from the boss tomorrow.

Would you loosen up?

You’d feel better if you’d rip into the occasional customer.

Why? I don’t bother them and they don’t bother me.

Liar! Tell me there aren’t customers

that annoy the piss out of you on a daily basis.

There aren’t!

How can you lie like that?

Why don’t you vent? Vent your frustrations. Who pisses you off?

Well, I guess it isn’t customers in particular.

Maybe just a group of customers.

Well, let’s hear it.

Well, the Milk Maids.

The Milk Maids?

The women that go through every gallon of milk, looking for that later date,

as if somewhere beyond all the gallons is a container of milk

that won’t go bad for like a decade.

You know who I can do without? The people in the video store.

Which ones?

All of ’em.

What would you get for a 6-year-old boy who chronically wets his bed?

So, do you have any new movies in?

Do you have that one with that guy

who was in that movie that was out last year?

They never rent quality flicks.

They always pick the most intellectually devoid movie on the racks.

Ooh! Navy Seals!

In order to join they have to have an I.Q. less than their shoe size.

You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage that I get.

There’s no ice? I’ve got to drink this coffee hot?

So, how much is this thing anyway?

Do you sell hubcaps for a ’72 Pinto hatchback?

Oh, Mini Truckin’ magazine.

See? You vented. Don’t you feel better?

No.

Why not?

My ex-girlfriend is getting married.

You got a one-track mind. It’s always Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin.

Veronica!

What happened to home by 12:00?

Boss hasn’t shown up yet.

How come you’re not in class?

Got canceled.

So I brought you some lunch.

What is it?

Peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off. What do you think?

It’s lasagne.

Really?

Oh, you’re the queen.

I’m glad you calmed down a bit. Hi, Randal.

Thirty-seven?

Shut up!

Yes, I’ve calmed down. I’m not happy, but I’ll be able to deal.

(SUCKING SOUND)

Why don’t you go back to the video store?

You had to tell him?

I had to. He put it into perspective.

What did he say?

He said at least he wasn’t 36.

And that made you feel better?

And he said most of them were college guys I never even seen or met before.

The ostrich syndrome. If you don’t see it…

It isn’t there. Yes.

Thank you for being rational.

Thank you for the lasagne.

Couldn’t get the shutters open?

No.

I called the locksmith. The earliest he can be here is tomorrow morning.

Bummer. Well, I gotta head back for the 1:30 class.

What time you get finished?

8:00. I have a sorority meeting ’til 9:00.

I’ll see you when you close. Can we go out for coffee?

Sure.

Good.

See you when you close. Enjoy the lasagne.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SUCKING SOUND)

Vermont?

No, that can’t be. I just talked to him this morning.

He left at what time?

He really went to Vermont? When the hell was someone going to tell me?

He promised me he’d be here by noon!

Jesus, when does he get back?

Tuesday? You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!

I’ve got a game at 2:00, the shutters are jammed.

And he’s in Vermont? I’m not even supposed to be here today!

(SIGHING)

So I’m stuck here until closing?

Oh, this is just great. I can’t fucking believe this.

No. No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.

Yeah, I know.

No, I’ll be all right.

Well, that’s all I can do, right? Yeah.

All right, thanks. Bye.

Vermont?

Can you fucking believe this?

He didn’t mention that to you?

Not a word! Not a fucking word, that slippery shit.

So, what? You’re stuck here all day?

Fuck!

Why’d you apologize?

What?

I heard you. Why? You had every reason to be mad.

I know!

That seems to be the leitmotif in your life.

Ever backing down.

I don’t back down!

You always back down. You assume blame that’s not yours.

You come in on your day off. You buckle like a belt.

Know what pisses me off?

That I’m right about your buckling?

I’m going to miss the game!

Because you buckled.

Shut up with that shit. It ain’t helping!

Don’t yell at me, pal.

I’m sorry.

See? There you go again.

I can’t believe I’m going to miss the game.

At least we’re stuck here together.

You got a customer.

What? What do you want?

I can’t fucking believe this.

Yeah, hello, Sanford. Dante.

I can’t play today. I’m stuck at work.

Yeah, I know I’m not scheduled today… Forget it.

Point is, I can’t play today. Neither can Randal. He’s working too.

Wait a second. Do we have to play at the park?

Hold on. You feeling limber?

Pull my laces tighter, man.

I’ve got to tell you,

this is one of the ballsiest moves I’ve been privy to.

I never thought you capable of such a disregard of store policy.

I told him I had a game. It’s his own fault.

No arguments here.

Insubordination rules.

I just want to play hockey.

I’m gonna grab a Gatorade.

If you grab one, then everybody will.

So?

Who’s gonna pay for these Gatorades?

What do you care, motherfucker?

I have a responsibility.

Everybody can’t grab free drinks.

What responsibility?

You’re closing the store to play hockey.

He’s got a point.

Will you let me maintain some semblance of control?

If you’re gonna be insubordinate, go the full nine,

not pussy out when it comes to free shit.

As if we’re going to have a run on Gatorade.

Fuckin’ A.

All right! Jesus, you fuckers are pushy!

I hear Caitlin’s marrying an Asian drum major.

Design major.

Can we not talk about this?

Fine, but you’re living in denial and suppressing rage, motherfucker.

You gonna lock the store?

You gonna lock the video store?

Look who you’re asking here. How’re we gonna block the street?

We’re not playing in the street.

Then where are we gonna play?

Hit ’em, hit ’em, hit ’em!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(YELLING)

I got it! I got it! It’s mine, it’s mine!

(YELLING)

Yeah!

(YELLING CONTINUES)

Hit ’em!

All right, here we go. I got it.

When is this period over?

Eight minutes.

What, are you shitting me? I wanna get cigarettes.

Just wait a few minutes.

I’m gonna break my neck on this ladder.

Lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill, and open the fucking store!

Where are you?

He’s busy!

In a second!

Fuck “in a second”! Oh, look at you. You can’t even pass.

DANTE: I can pass!

How about covering the point? You suck!

Who are you to make assessments?

I’ll assess all I want, pal!

Dante, you in or out?

Don’t pass to this guy. He sucks.

You’re any better?

I can whip your ass any day.

Easy to say over there.

Give me a stick, pretty boy!

I’ll knock your fucking teeth out and pass all over your ass!

You open?

Yeah, you open?

No!

No!

There’s a stick. You’re shooting up against this goal.

Hey, Redding! Come on. Get this fucker!

Oh, man! Hey!

Come on. Let’s go, let’s go! Come on, come on. Get him!

Come on. Get him, get him!

Give me another ball.

There are no more.

What are you talking about? How many balls you bring?

I brought the orange one and… the orange one.

Hey, any balls down there?

JAY: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry.

You only brought one?

I thought Redding brought all the balls.

REDDING: Dante had the balls.

Nobody has another ball?

Shit!

We got what, 12 minutes of a game and it’s over? Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck! I’m not even supposed to be here today.

I still get free Gatorade, right?

Be careful.

I’m trying.

You know, the insides of those has got stuff that can give you cancer.

So I’m told.

Yeah.

I had a friend that chewed glass for a living. In the circus.

And he got cancer from chewing fluorescent bulb glass?

Got hit by a bus.

Oh. Can I help you?

Well, uh, that depends. You got maybe a toilet in here?

Yeah, but it’s for employees only.

I understand.

But I, uh, thought maybe you’d let me use it anyway.

I’m not so young anymore and I’m, how do you say, a little incontinent.

Sure. In the back, through the cooler.

Thank you, sonny boy.

Say, uh, what kind of toilet paper you got back there?

The white kind.

I didn’t ask about the color.

I mean, is it rough or is it cottony?

Actually, it’s kinda rough.

Oh, boy!

It’s gonna knock the hell out of my hemorrhoids.

I thought maybe you could let me have a roll of the soft stuff.

I see you sell the soft stuff back there.

Yeah, but…

Come on, boitshik! What’s the difference?

You said yourself you have the rough stuff in the back.

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Thank you, sonny boy.

You’re a lifesaver.

Say, young fella, I hate to bother you again,

but, uh, maybe I could have something in the back there to read?

A paper or something?

Sometimes it takes me a while,

and I like to have something to read while it’s going on.

DANTE: Yeah, sure, go ahead.

MAN: One of the magazines you got in the back behind the counter.

The porno mags?

Yeah!

I like the cartoons. They make me laugh.

They draw some of the biggest titties you ever saw.

Not this one. Maybe the one you got underneath this one.

They got bigger titties in there.

Here.

Now leave me alone.

Oh, thank you, sonny boy.

I appreciate it.

Hell of a game.

One ball? I close the store, they come all the way here, for one ball?

Hockey is hockey. At least we got to play.

Twelve minutes is not a game. It’s hardly even a warm up.

Bitch, bitch. Want something to drink?

Yeah, a Gatorade.

Hey, what happened to all the Gatorade?

Exactly. They drank it all.

RANDAL: Know what Sanford told me? DANTE: I can’t believe she’s marrying.

Julie Dwyer died.

Yeah, right.

No, I’m serious.

Oh, my God!

Sanford’s brother dates her cousin. He found out this morning.

How? When?

Embolism in her brain. Yesterday.

Jesus.

She was swimming in the pool in the YMCA when it happened.

She died mid-backstroke.

I haven’t seen her in, like, two years.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t she one of the illustrious 12?

Yeah, number six.

You’ve had sex with a dead person.

I’m gonna go to her wake.

No, you’re not. It’s today.

DANTE: What? RANDAL: The next show’s at 4:00.

DANTE: What about tomorrow? RANDAL: She’s buried in the morning.

You gotta watch the store. I gotta go.

Wait.

Has it occurred to you I might be bereaved?

You hardly knew her.

True. Do you know how many people will be there?

All her old classmates.

This is beneath even you.

I’m not gonna miss what’s probably the social event of the season.

You hate people!

But I love gatherings. Isn’t it ironic?

Stop being an asshole. Someone’s gotta watch the store.

If you go, I go.

She meant nothing to you!

She meant nothing to you neither ’til I told you she died.

I’m not taking you.

I’m going with you.

I can’t close the store.

You just closed the store to play hockey.

Which means I can’t close it for another hour just so we can both go to a wake.

You were saying?

Thanks for putting me in such a tough spot. You’re a good friend.

She was pretty young, huh?

Twenty-two. Just like us.

Embolism in a pool.

What an embarrassing way to die.

That’s nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.

How did he die?

He broke his neck.

That’s embarrassing?

He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.

Shut the hell up.

I swear.

Stop it.

Bible truth.

Oh, my God!

Haven’t you ever tried to suck your dick?

No.

Yeah, right. You’re so repressed.

Because I never tried to suck my dick?

No, because you won’t admit to it.

As if a guy’s a fucking pervert ’cause he tries to go down on himself.

You’re as curious as the rest of us, pal. You’ve tried it.

Who found him?

My cousin? My aunt found him.

It was a mess. He was on his bed, his legs doubled over himself.

My aunt freaked out.

You know that you are a shooting star

Made it, huh? Dick in his mouth?

Yeah.

Balls resting on his lips.

Wow. He really made it.

Yeah, but at what a price.

I can never reach.

Reach what?

You know.

What, your dick?

Yeah. Like you said, I guess everybody gets curious and tries it sometime.

I never tried it.

Fucking pervert.

Suddenly everyone loved to hear him play his songs

Watch the world go by Surprising it goes so fast

Johnny looked around him and said “Hey, I’ve made the big time at last”

I knew this was a bad idea.

Listen to you.

I can’t help it. At least on the roof, I could see if anybody wanted to go in.

Nobody’s there. It’s 4:00 on a Saturday.

How many people ever come to the store at 4:00 on a Saturday?

Let me in!

(CAR DOORS SHUTTING)

You know what I can’t wait to get a hold of?

Those death cards they give out here. Did you ever see them?

Would you lower your voice? People are mourning here.

Holy shit, there they are. Come on.

Fine. Just whatever you do, don’t embarrass me.

If you’re not already embarrassed by your own sad fucking existence,

then I assure you, nothing I can ever do or say is gonna make you blush.

See? These are those death cards I was talking about.

On the front there’s a picture of Jesus, or Mary and Jesus,

or Lazarus and Jesus, or some angels and Jesus,

and a significant quote about being dead.

And on the back, you’ve got your stats and a bonus prayer.

In this case, the Acts of Contrition.

I’m telling you, they’re sweet.

I got a few from my relatives’ funerals, but they were all older than hell.

Julie’s is what I like to call a rookie card.

Got it. Got it. Need it. Got it. This doesn’t even look like her.

You sicken me sometimes.

Dante?

Alyssa? Oh, my God. How are you doing?

I haven’t seen you in, jeez, I don’t know how long.

I hear you moved up to the city.

I did. A few months ago.

It’s good to see you. I just wish it wasn’t…

Here? I know. Why do you smell like shoe polish?

Long story. When did you find out about Julie?

Last night. I was coming down to see her on that stupid game show

they did at Eden Prairie yesterday.

She was supposed to be on that?

She was so excited about it,

but then she ran into that kid TS Quint Thursday night,

the one who hangs out with that Brodie guy.

Anyway, the way I hear it, he told her

that the camera adds 10 pounds when you’re on TV.

ALYSSA: So Julie heads down to the YMCA

and starts doing all these laps to tone up for the show.

That’s when she… When she… Man, I still can’t believe she’s gone.

I know, neither can I. I just found out this afternoon.

I was working, but I still had to come.

Got it. Got it. Need it. Got it.

I had no idea there were this many dead people in the world.

Why’d you bring him?

You know him. He insisted on coming.

He said he didn’t wanna miss

what was probably going to be the social event of the season.

God, I hate him.

So do I sometimes.

This is so weird. I haven’t seen Julie in almost two years,

and then I found out less than an hour ago that she’s dead.

I’m still reeling.

You know, she was talking about you last week.

Really?

I swear.

She said you must feel like an asshole

now that Caitlin’s gonna marry some other guy.

How’d she know Caitlin was getting married?

Caitlin told her.

Caitlin told her?

Caitlin’s told everyone. She called me two weeks ago to tell me.

I’m surprised she’s not here today.

I don’t think she knows yet.

At least I’m not the only one in the dark.

Wait a second. You mean Caitlin hasn’t told you she’s engaged?

No, and we’ve been talking on the phone a lot lately to boot.

Goddamn Caitlin and her secrets.

Oh, Dante. You just have no idea.

Who’s this guy she’s engaged to?

Sang? He’s an Asian design major.

He’s a nice guy, as far as guys go.

You met him already?

Yeah, once or twice.

He’s not really my type. But then none of them are.

Man, I’m starving. Don’t they usually have food at these things?

Where are the sandwiches at? Hey, Finger Cuffs.

Go to hell, Graves.

Some people are so fucking touchy.

Come on. Let’s get in line.

When we get up there, I’m going right to the coffin.

You’re supposed to express regret to the family first.

Yeah, well, I don’t think her parents need to see me right now.

What are you talking about?

They caught Julie and I together once.

Get out of here.

Lower your voice.

They caught you fucking Julie?

Worse.

Worse than fucking?

Something no parent wants to see their child engaged in.

Butt-fucking?

(ALL GASPING)

Would you please shut up? God, look where your mind is.

It must be frightening to have your libido.

Terrifying. So what happened?

We were watching TV in her living room

and things started going on.

With her parents right there?

No, idiot, they weren’t home.

So we were going at it, and it’s the living room situation.

So the pants don’t come off, per se.

We’re talking jeans and panties off one leg, right?

And one shoe.

Ah, the one shoe on,

the parents’ house daughter banger’s false sense of security.

DANTE: So I start sliding down.

Work the nipples a little bit, kiss the belly some.

Then, head south.

You lady-killer.

And I’m eating her out,

and she’s got her legs wrapped around my head grinding into my face.

(RANDAL WHISTLES)

You’re making me hard here.

And then, out of nowhere…

You prematurely ejaculate on your cords?

DANTE: In walk her parents carrying a couple of videos

they had just rented across the street.

Jesus, what happened?

Julie jumps up and says, “Mom, Dad, this is Mrs. Hicks’ son, Dante.”

They knew your mother?

From church.

No way.

Swear to God.

That’s classic.

Her parents drop out of the parish, and Julie got grounded for two months.

And you haven’t seen her parents since?

No, and I prefer to keep it that way.

So you greet the parents, and I’ll go straight to the coffin.

Got you.

Mr. and Mrs. Dwyer, I’m really sorry.

I went to high school with Julie. She was… Well, she was special.

Thank you. What’s your name, son?

I’m Randal Graves, and this is Mrs. Hicks’ son, Dante.

Let’s go check out the stiff.

Hmm. Interesting look.

I can’t believe they laid her out like this.

RANDAL: I always imagined Julie having an outie.

A tube top? What were they thinking?

I believe they’re referred to as belly blouses these days.

I don’t understand. Do you think this is some sort of request she made

while she was still alive?

Maybe after a fifth of Scotch.

If anyone ever asks, I wanna be laid out in a suit.

If anyone ever asks me,

I’m telling them you wanna be laid out in a belly blouse.

I don’t like this part. Can we just go mingle?

She was really pretty. I wish I’d spent more time with her.

Why would you wanna spend more time with someone

who had an ass that fat?

They probably had to get a doublewide coffin.

This chick had the fattest ass.

Would you shut up?

This is creepy, man. I’m pretty uncomfortable.

What exactly are we supposed to be doing up here?

Praying for the repose of the soul.

Jesus, I think I just saw her chest move.

It’s so weird. I was intimate with this girl.

There’s lint in her bellybutton.

Leave it alone.

That’s a hell of a way to go to your grave,

with lint sticking out of your bellybutton.

Why do you think no one’s pulled that out yet?

Because it’s not that noticeable.

Bullshit, it’s like a fucking fern.

Could you be quiet just for two minutes so I can get a little prayer going here?

(SIGHS) I’m bored.

Jesus.

Would you go wait in the hallway? I’ll be there in a minute.

Oh, fuck that. Give me the keys,

so I can go to the car and listen to the radio.

You are the king of the pains in the asses. Here.

Holy shit.

What are the chances?

I’ll bet you couldn’t do that again if you tried.

You couldn’t catch the keys?

You couldn’t just hand them to me?

Oh, God.

They’re down there, man. I can’t even see them.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Those are the car keys and the store keys.

Just go get the undertaker.

And cause even more of a scene? Screw that.

You reach in there and get them.

Fuck you. I’m not reaching into that terminal vagina.

Fine, then stand behind me. I’ll get them.

And why exactly am I standing behind you?

To block the view of the crowd, idiot.

We don’t want them to see this.

Should I rub your shoulders to make it look like you’re upset?

Yeah, that’s good. Do that.

There, there, man. Just let it all out.

Men can cry, too, sometimes. It doesn’t make you any less macho.

I’m just gonna stand here and massage your shoulders

to comfort you in this, your hour of despair.

Oh, yeah. That’s it.

Do what you feel you must do to relieve the pressure.

For it will relieve her pressure, too,

as she prepares to enter paradise and be with the baby Jesus.

All right, what the hell’s going on here?

You feel anything?

I think I’ve almost got it.

Get out of my way!

Hey.

I… That is, she…

(MR. DWYER SCREAMING)

I can explain.

Even in death, you can’t leave my poor Julie alone.

I’ll fucking kill you!

You sick, sick perverts.

Listen, lady. We’re not the ones

who dressed our dead daughter in a bippy top.

I’m gonna kill you. You’re on my…

Jesus.

(CRASH)

(SCREAMING) Julie!

(DANTE AND RANDAL SCREAMING)

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

In the big charade

Are you more than dead

Leaders and followers Leaders and followers

(DOOR CLOSES)

I can’t fucking believe you.

I’m telling you, it wasn’t my fault.

You knocked the casket over!

I was leanin’ on it. It was an accident.

Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!

So the casket fell over. Big deal.

Her fucking body fell out!

I put her back in it. It’s not like it matters if she breaks something.

Just go open the video store.

JAY: Open the video store!

Shut the fuck up, junkie.

Would you just go open the video store?

Yeah, you cock-smokin’ clerk.

How many times have I told you not to deal in front of the store?

I’m not. What’re you talking about?

Have you got anything, man?

What you want?

Let me borrow your car.

I don’t want to talk to you.

Fine. Just let me borrow your car.

Why should I loan you my car?

I want to rent a movie.

You want to rent a movie.

I want to rent a movie.

(SIGHS)

What’s that for?

You work in a video store!

I work in a shitty video store.

I want to go to a good video store so I can get a good movie.

And a pack of cigarettes.

Cute cat. What’s its name?

Annoying customer.

Fucking dickhead.

Can you imagine being halfway decent to the customers?

Let me borrow your car.

May I be blunt with you?

If you must.

We are employees of Quick Stop Convenience

and RST Video, respectively.

We have obligations that, although they may seem cruel and unusual,

mean manning the store until closing.

I see.

So playing hockey and attending wakes are standard operating procedures?

Those are obligations that couldn’t have been met at any other date.

Renting videos, that’s gratuitous, and illogical, since you work at a video store.

Are you open?

Yes.

I don’t care for your rationale.

It’s gonna have to do, being it’s my car up for request.

Can I help you?

A pack of cigarettes.

What’s your point?

You’re a clerk, paid to do a job.

You can’t just do anything you want while you’re working.

“Space alien revealed as head of Time Warner.

“Reports stock increase.”

They print any kind of shit in this paper.

They certainly do. $3.

Your argument is title dictates behavior.

What?

You won’t let me use your car because I have a title and job description.

I’m supposed to follow it, right?

Exactly.

I saw one one time that said,

“The next week, the world is ending.”

In the next week’s paper, they said,

“We were miraculously saved at the zero hour

“by a koala-fish mutant bird.”

(LAUGHING) Crazy shit.

I’m no more responsible for my decisions here than

a death squad soldier in Bosnia?

You’re not being asked to slay children or anything.

Yeah, not yet.

And I remember one time…

I’m gonna break your fucking head, you fucking jerk!

I’m sorry. He meant to hit me.

Well, he missed.

Here, let me refund your money and we’ll call it even.

I’ll never come in here again.

And if I see you again, I’m gonna break your fucking head open!

What the fuck did you do that for?

Two reasons.

One, I hate it when people can’t shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.

And two, to prove a point. Title does not dictate behavior.

What?

If title dictated my behavior as a clerk

I wouldn’t be allowed to spit water at that guy, but I did.

My point is that people dictate their own behavior.

Even though I work in a video store, I choose to rent movies at Big Choice.

Agreed?

You are a danger to the dead and the living.

I like to think I’m a master of my own destiny.

Please get the hell outta here.

You know I’m your hero.

Sounds like somebody needs to hit the gym.

Excuse me?

You strained when you picked up that milk.

It only weighs 7 pounds.

I didn’t strain. I sighed.

I don’t think so. That was a grunt.

A deep inhalation of oxygen to aid in the stretching of muscles.

I’m a trainer. I know what that sound signifies. You’re out of shape.

What? There’s no fat on my body.

No fat!

No tone either. You don’t get enough exercise.

You open?

Yes.

Just the paper.

Thirty-five.

Hey, uh, let me ask you a question. Think this guy’s out of shape?

Can’t really tell from here.

He is.

I am not!

How much can you bench?

I don’t know.

I’d say about 60, 70, tops.

I know I can bench more than that.

Three-fifty, four.

No way!

Feel that.

Hey, that’s tight. Solid.

Now feel this. Roll up your sleeve, chief.

Oh, for God’s sakes!

See, you’re ashamed.

You know you’re out of shape.

Here. Take my card.

I can get you on an aerobics, free weights program.

Are you open?

DANTE: Yes. I’m not out of shape.

Excuse me. Have you been here all day?

Yeah, since 6:00 this morning.

He’s got those love handles.

I don’t have love handles!

Were you working here about 4:00?

Yes.

It’s from being around this food every day.

Oh, I know.

If I had to work here all day, I’d be bloated and out of shape too.

I’m not out of shape.

Can I have your name, please?

Dante Hicks. Why? What’s this all about?

You’re Dante Hicks? Oh, my God. I didn’t even recognize you.

Because he’s out of shape!

Do I know you?

Do you remember Alyssa Jones? She used to hang out…

With Caitlin Bree!

I’m her sister.

You’re Alyssa’s sister Heather?

Yeah.

You, uh, say Caitlin Bree?

Yeah.

Pretty girl?

A little taller than her? Gorgeous body?

Yeah.

And you’re Dante Hicks.

You went to the same school, played hockey.

How did you know that?

You still goin’ out with her?

No, she’s getting married.

To you?

No. To an Asian design major.

Aw, shit!

Don’t take this the wrong way, but, uh, I used to fuck her.

What?

Yeah, about two, three years ago.

While you two were dating. I drove a black Trans Am.

You’re Rick Derris?

Yeah.

You know him?

Yeah.

Caitlin talked about him all the time.

Really?

Wait a second. You used to fuck Caitlin Bree while I was dating her?

Don’t let it bother you. That was a long time ago.

I’m surprised you didn’t know about it.

Everybody in school knew about it. Even in my class.

Jesus Christ! What next?

Here you go.

What’s this?

A fine for $500.

What?

Five hundred bucks? For what?

For violation of New Jersey Statute, Section 2A, number 170/51.

Any person who sells or makes available tobacco,

or tobacco-related products, to persons under the age of 18,

is regarded as disorderly.

What are you talkin’ about?

An angry mother called the state

and claimed that a Quick Stop employee

sold her 4-year-old daughter a pack of cigarettes today.

The Division of Taxation called the Board of Health

and sent me down to issue a fine.

You claimed you were working here all day. Hence, the fine is yours.

The fine is doubled due to the young age of the child.

But I didn’t sell any cigarettes to any kids!

You sold cigarettes to a 4-year-old? What a scumbag!

That’s sick, Dante.

I didn’t sell cigarettes to any kids! I swear!

The due date is on the bottom.

This summons cannot be contested in any court of law.

Failure to remit will result in a charge of criminal negligence,

and a warrant will be issued for your arrest.

Have a nice day.

But I didn’t sell cigarettes to any kids. Hey, wait a minute!

Forget it. I don’t wanna deal with a guy that sells cigarettes to 4-year-olds.

Can I, uh, give you a lift somewhere?

Sure. How ’bout the beach?

I like the way you think.

Jesus! What next?

WOMAN: Dante?

What? Caitlin!

(MUZAK PLAYING)

When did you get home?

Just now.

I can’t believe it. I haven’t seen you in so long.

Dante, you have a customer.

I just saw Alyssa’s little sister outside.

She was with Rick Derris.

Let’s not talk about her.

How’d you get home?

Train. It took eight hours.

I can’t believe you’re here.

Excuse me. Do you…

Back behind the oil. How long you staying?

Until Monday. Then I have to take the train back.

Pack of cigarettes. Congratulations.

I saw the announcement in today’s paper.

She’s marrying an Asian design major.

So I’m told.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

You’re just gonna close the store?

I wanna talk to you, and I don’t wanna be disturbed.

Something I read in the tabloids.

You saw it.

Very dramatic, I thought.

It’s not what you think.

Oh, it’s not.

What? You’re pregnant with the Asian design major’s child?

What’s goin’ on here?

I am not pregnant.

Were you gonna tell me, or send me an invitation?

I was gonna tell you, but we were getting along so well.

You could’ve broken it gently.

You could’ve told me you had a boyfriend. I told you I had a girlfriend.

I’m sorry, but when we started talking, it was like I forgot I had a boyfriend.

And then he proposed last month.

You said yes.

Well, kind of. Sort of.

Is that what they teach you in school? “Kind of,” “Sort of”?

Everybody knows! Do you know how humiliating that is?

I would’ve told you, and you would’ve stopped calling me.

How do you know that?

I know you.

You prefer drastic measures to rational ones.

So you’re really getting married?

No.

You’re not really getting married?

(SCOFFS)

The story goes like this. He proposed, I told him I had to think about it,

and he insisted that I wear the ring.

Then my mother told the paper we were engaged.

I don’t like her.

Then my mother called

to let me know the announcement was in the paper.

I hopped a train to come here, because I knew you’d be a wreck.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Was I right?

“Wreck” is a harsh term.

“Disturbed” is more like it. “Mildly disturbed”.

I love a macho facade. It is such a turn-on.

What smells like shoe polish?

So you came here to comfort me?

The last thing I needed was for you to think I was hiding something.

But you were!

No, I wasn’t! Not really.

I told you I’d been seeing other people.

But not seriously. You’re ready to walk down the aisle.

That constitutes something more than seeing somebody.

What’s going on?

I’m giving him his ring back.

What?

(SIGHS) I don’t want to marry him.

I don’t want to get married now. I’m on the verge of graduation.

I want to go to grad school after this, and then I want to start a career.

I don’t want to be a wife

and then worry about when I’m gonna fit in the other stuff.

I have come way too far and studied too damn hard

to let my education go to waste as a housewife.

And I know that’s what I’d become.

Sang’s just signed with a major firm, and he’s gonna pull in a huge salary,

which would give me no reason to work.

He’s very traditional.

Wait a minute.

His name is Sang? Past tense?

Stop it. He’s a nice guy.

Well, if he’s so nice, why aren’t you marrying him?

I just told you.

There’s more to this, isn’t there?

Oh! Why, Mr. Hicks, whatever do you mean?

I don’t have something to do with it.

You have nothing to do with it.

You lie!

Look how full of yourself you are!

I believe in giving credit where it’s due.

I believe I’m the impetus behind your refusal to wed.

If I’m so nuts about you, then why am I having sex with an Asian design major?

Oh, Jesus. You’re so caustic.

I had to knock you down from that cloud you were on.

When I say I don’t want to get married, I mean that.

I don’t want to marry anybody. Not for years.

Who’s asking? I don’t want to marry you.

Well, good. Keep in that frame of mind.

Well, let’s date.

Oh, I think Sang and Veronica,

they’d love that.

We can introduce them. They may hit it off.

You’re serious? You wanna date again?

I wanna be your boyfriend, yes.

It’s just the shock of seeing me after three years.

Believe me, you’ll get over it.

Give me a bit more credit.

I think it’s time we got back together.

I’m more mature, you’re more mature. You’re finishing college.

I’m already in the job market.

You work in a market.

Tell me you wouldn’t wanna go out with me again

after all the talking we’ve done.

The key word here is “talk”.

I think the idea, or the conception of us dating,

is a lot more idyllic than what actually happens when we date.

What are we supposed to do? Pretend over the phone we’re dating?

I don’t know. Maybe we should just see what happens.

Let me take you out tonight.

On a date?

Yeah, a real date. Dinner and a movie.

Oh, the Dante Hicks dinner-and-movie date.

I think I’ve been on that one before.

Do you have a better suggestion?

Well, how about the Caitlin Bree

walk-on-the-boardwalk-then-getnaked-somewhere kind-of-private date?

I hear that’s kind of a popular date.

Jerk!

Here I am, throwing myself at you, succumbing to your wily charms,

and you’re calling me a slut in so many words.

What about Sing?

Sang!

He’s not invited.

He’s your fiancé.

I’m offering you my body, and you’re offering me semantics.

He’s just a boyfriend, and in case you haven’t gotten the drift

of why I came all the way here from Ohio…

Duh! I’m about to become single again.

And, yes, allow me to placate your ego.

You are the inspiration for this bold and momentous decision

that will probably get me ostracized from both school and home.

You ask me who I choose.

I choose you.

So, what are you saying?

You are such an asshole.

I’m just kidding!

I can already see this is not gonna work.

I’ll ask Randal to close up.

Where is he, anyway?

I thought he’d be at your side like a lapdog.

He went to go rent a movie. He isn’t back yet.

I’ll close up and leave him a note.

You are too responsible. But no, I have to go home first.

They don’t even know I’ve left school yet.

I should break the disengagement news to my mother,

which is gonna cause quite a row considering she loves Sang.

Who doesn’t?

Well, me, I guess.

(SIGHS) So I shall take my leave of you,

but I will return in a little while,

at which time I would love to go for dinner and a movie with you.

What happened to the walk and the nakedness?

I’m easy, but I’m not that easy.

See you later, handsome.

Yes!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Get to work.

Hey, what’d you rent?

“Best of Both Worlds”?

Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs.

You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks.

And you rented this?

I like to expand my horizons.

I got fined for selling cigarettes to a minor.

No way.

Five hundred dollars.

Bullshit.

No, I’m not.

Holy shit! I didn’t think they enforced this.

Living proof.

You never sold cigarettes to kids.

I didn’t. You did.

Really?

Yep. A little girl, maybe 4 years old.

Holy shit! That girl?

As opposed to hundreds of other children

you’ve sold cigarettes while working here.

How come you got the fine?

‘Cause I’m here.

You’re lyin’.

No, I’m not.

Why aren’t you screaming at me?

I’m happy.

I’m happy.

You’re happy to get a fine?

No, Caitlin came to see me.

Now I know you’re lyin’.

I’m not. She just left.

What’d she say?

She’s not marrying that guy. She telling her mom.

You’re kiddin’.

I’m not.

Well, you’ve had quite an evening.

She went home, getting ready and we’re going out.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Watch the store.

What about “Title dictates behavior”?

This is my way of spitting water at life.

You want me to bring the VCR over so we can watch this?

No, I might be leaving early to go out with Caitlin.

You’re gonna lock up the store tonight.

You’re missin’ out. Chicks with dicks.

(BERSERKER PLAYING OVER STEREO)

My love for you is like a truck, Berserker

Would you like some making fuck, Berserker

My love for you is like a rock, Berserker

Berserker

(LAUGHING)

(MAN MOANING ON VIDEO)

WOMAN: Uh, no. Oh.

Well, Randal Graves,

scourge of the video renter.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Asian Design Major herself, Caitlin Bree.

You saw that article? God, isn’t it awful? My mother sent that in.

I take it she likes the guy.

You’d think she’s marrying him.

What are you watching?

Children’s programing.

What’d your mom say when you told her?

She said not to come home until after graduation.

Wow. You got thrown out for Dante?

What can I say? He does weird things to me.

Can I watch?

You can hold me down.

Can I join in?

You might be let down.

I’m not a hermaphrodite.

Hey, few are.

What makes you think you can maintain a relationship with him this time?

A woman’s intuition.

Something inside of me says it’s time to give him a serious try.

Wow. Hey, you know, you and I have something in common.

We both eat Chinese.

Dick.

Exactly.

So where is he?

He went home to change for the big date.

God, isn’t he great?

No. This is great.

Oh, lord. Can I use your bathroom?

There’s no lights.

Why aren’t there any?

There are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14.

You’re kidding.

Nobody can figure it out.

The boss doesn’t want to pay the electrician

because he owes money to the video store.

Such a sordid state of affairs.

And I’m caught in the middle,

torn between my loyalty for the boss and my desire to piss with lights on.

Well, I’ll try to manage.

Oh, hey, Caitlin? Break his heart again this time, and I’ll kill you.

Nothing personal.

You are very protective of him, Randal. You always have been.

Territoriality. He was mine first.

Oh, that was so cute.

(SIGHS)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(BED SQUEAKING)

(PEOPLE MOANING ON VIDEO)

Who eats cock?

Bunch of savages in this town.

Caitlin’s in the back. Check on her.

She’s been back there a long time.

There are no lights.

I told her that. She said she didn’t need any.

Why don’t you go join her? Make a little bathroom bam-bam.

I love your sexy talk. It’s so kindergarten.

Poo-poo, wee-wee.

Fuck you.

(DOOR OPENING)

(WOMAN MOANING ON VIDEO)

MAN ON VIDEO: I said stop.

WOMAN: Oh, God. MAN: It’s all about pain, you bastard!

(WOMAN MOANING ON VIDEO)

How did you get here so fast?

I left like an hour ago.

Do you always talk this weird after you violate a woman?

Maybe the Asian design major slipped her some opium.

Could be.

It has never been like that before.

Like what?

When you just lay perfectly still and let me do everything.

Am I missing something here?

Okay.

I went back and Dante was already waiting for me.

He was?

It was so cool.

He didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to.

He was just ready.

You know. And, like, we didn’t kiss or talk or anything.

He just sat there and let me do all the work.

You dog. I didn’t even see you go back there.

The fact that there weren’t any lights on made it so…

God, that was so great!

My legs are still shaking.

It wasn’t me.

(SCOFFS)

Yeah, right. Who was it, then? Randal?

Was it you?

I was up here the whole time.

You two better quit it.

I’m serious.

Oh, so we didn’t just have sex in the bathroom?

No.

Stop it. This isn’t funny.

I’m not fooling around. I just came in from outside.

This isn’t fucking funny.

I’m not kidding.

Who went back there?

Nobody. I swear.

I feel nauseous.

Sure there was someone there?

Well, I didn’t just fuck myself! Jesus Christ!

I’m gonna be sick.

You just fucked a stranger?

Shut up.

I can’t believe this.

Call the police.

No, don’t!

A stranger just raped Caitlin.

She did all the work.

Will you shut the fuck up?

Who the fuck’s in our bathroom?

WOMAN: Who is he?

DANTE: I don’t know. He came in and asked to use the bathroom.

What time was this?

I don’t know.

What time did hockey end?

Um, like 3:00, 3:30.

What time we get back from the funeral?

4:00, I think.

Wait. Who was working here?

Just me.

You said you went to play hockey and then went to a funeral.

Yeah, we did.

Who was operating the store?

Nobody. It was closed.

With this guy locked in here?

Everything happened quickly, I guess I forgot he was back there.

MAN: Can we take it now?

Go ahead.

Was he alive when Caitlin…

No. I place the time of death about 3:20.

Then how could she… you know.

CORONER: The body can maintain erection after expiration for hours.

Did he have the adult magazine when he came in?

No, I gave it to him. He asked me for it.

I can’t say for certain, but my guess is he was masturbating,

his heart seized and he died. That’s when the girl found him.

(SNIFFING) Something smells like shoe polish.

This has got to be the weirdest thing you’ve ever been called in on.

I had to tag a kid that broke his neck trying to put his mouth on his penis.

What about Caitlin?

CORONER: Shock trauma. She’s gonna need years of therapy.

My question is, how did she come to have sex with a dead man?

She thought it was me.

What kind of convenience store do you run here?

(SIREN BLARING)

(HUMMING THEME FROM JAWS)

Salsa shark.

We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa.

Shark’s in the salsa. Our shark.

What’s with you, man? You haven’t said anything for 20 minutes.

What the hell’s your problem?

(SIGHS) This life.

This life?

Why do I have this life?

Have some chips. You’ll feel better.

I’m stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages,

working on my day off.

The goddamn steel shutters are closed.

I deal with every fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish.

My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy,

and my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.

Thirty seven.

My life’s in the shitter, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to stew a bit.

MAN: You open?

Yeah.

RANDAL: That’s all bullshit. Know what the real problem is?

I was born?

You should shit or get off the pot.

Shit or get off the pot.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

This thing you have, this inability to improve your station in life.

Fuck you.

It’s true, man.

You blame life for dealing you a cruddy hand,

never once accepting responsibility for your situation.

What responsibility?

If you hate this job and the people

and the fact that you have to come in on your day off, why not quit?

Like it’s that easy.

It is. You just up and quit.

There’s other jobs. They pay better money.

You’re qualified for at least one. So what’s stopping you?

Leave me alone.

You’re comfortable?

This is a life of convenience and any attempt to change it

would shatter the pathetic microcosm you’ve fashioned for yourself.

Like your life’s any better.

I’m satisfied with my situation for now. You have been bitching all day.

Thank you. Go back to the video store.

Same with Veronica.

Leave her out.

You date Veronica because it’s convenient and she’s low maintenance.

But all you do is talk about Caitlin.

You carry a torch for a girl you dated in high school.

High school, for God’s sakes. You’re 22.

Leave me alone.

If you want Caitlin, be with Caitlin.

If you want Veronica, then be with Veronica.

But don’t pine for one and fuck the other.

Man, if you weren’t such a fucking coward…

If I wasn’t such a fucking coward.

It must be great to have this ability to simplify things.

Am I right or what?

You’re wrong.

Things happened today that ruined my chances with Caitlin.

Oh, what, the dead guy? She’ll get over fucking a dead guy.

Shit, my mom’s been fucking a dead guy for 30 years. I call him Dad.

Caitlin and I can’t be together. It’s impossible.

Melodrama coming from you seems as natural as an oral bowel movement.

What do you want me to say? “Yes, some things you say are true”?

Things are not going to change.

Make ’em change.

I can’t, all right?

Jesus, will you leave me alone?

I can’t make changes in my life like that. If I could, I would.

But I don’t have the ability to risk the comfortable situations

on the big money and fabulous prizes.

Who are you kidding? You can so.

Jesus H. Christ! I can’t.

So you’re gonna be miserable ’cause you don’t have the guts to face change?

My mother told me once that when I was 3 years old,

my potty lid was closed,

and instead of me lifting it, I shit my pants.

Lovely story.

The point is, I’m not the type of person

who’ll disrupt things just so I can shit comfortably.

(DOOR OPENING)

(SINGING) Noich, noich, noich Smoking weed, smoking weed

Doin’ coke, drinkin’ beers

Pack o’ “rass,” my good man.

Time to kick back, drink some beers and smoke some weed!

Done poisoning the youth?

Hell, yes, whatever that means.

Now it’s time to head over to Atlantic, drink some beers,

get ripped and, hopefully, get laid.

DANTE: $1.79.

Pay the good man.

Yeah, you close soon?

In half an hour.

We get off the same time every day.

We should hang out. You get high?

I should start.

Wanna come to this party? There’s gonna be some pussy.

With you? I don’t think so.

“I don’t hang out with drug dealers.”

Nothing personal.

What happened with that old guy?

He died in the bathroom.

I heard he was jerkin’ off.

I don’t know. I wasn’t watching.

He saw that Caitlin chick. I know I felt like beatin’ it when I saw her.

Come here, bitch. You like this? Huh?

This what you want?

Knock it off.

That used to be my girlfriend.

Oh, you used to go out with her?

I thought we might be starting again.

Don’t you already have a girlfriend?

DANTE: Yeah, Veronica.

You’re gonna dump her for Caitlin?

Maybe.

I don’t know, dude.

Caitlin’s nice, but I see Veronica doing shit for you all the time.

I saw her rubbing your back, brings your food.

Didn’t I see her change your tire once?

I jacked up the car. All she did was unloosen the nuts and put the tire on.

All I know is she does a lot for you.

She’s my girlfriend.

I had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.

My grandmother would say, “What’s better?

“A good plate with nothing on it?” No, wait. I fucked up.

“What’s a good plate with nothing on it?”

Meaning?

I don’t know. She was senile.

She used to fuckin’ piss herself all the time, and shit herself.

Come on, Silent Bob. Let’s get out of this fuckin’ gyp joint

with this fuckin’ faggot Dante. You cock smoker.

There’s a million fine-lookin’ women in the world, dude,

but they don’t all bring you lasagne at work. Most just cheat on you.

JAY: Come on, limp dick!

SILENT BOB: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He’s right.

I love her.

That’s it. He doesn’t love you anymore. He loves Caitlin.

And he told you all of this?

Pretty much. All except the latent homosexuality part. That’s my theory.

I don’t know what to say.

Don’t hold it against him. He just never got Caitlin out of his system.

It’s not your fault. It’s Dante.

Look. I don’t know thing one about chicks.

So if you gotta cry or something, I can get out of here.

I’m not sad.

You’re not?

What did you do that for?

If you didn’t wanna go out with me, why didn’t you say so?

Instead you pussyfoot around and see that slut!

What?

You’ve been talking to her for weeks!

Only a few times.

Then you freak out because I’ve gone down on a couple of guys.

Oh, a couple?

I’m not trying to patch up with my ex, sneaking around behind your back!

If you think 37 dicks are a lot, just wait.

I’m going to put the hookers in Times Square to shame!

Will you let me explain?

What?

How you’ve been waiting until the time was right to dump me for her?

It isn’t like that!

Damn right!

I won’t let it be like that. You want your slut? Fine.

I don’t want Caitlin.

You don’t know what you want!

But I’m not going to hold your hand anymore until you figure it out!

I’ve tried with you, Dante.

I’ve encouraged you to get out of this fucking dump and go back to school,

to take charge and find direction.

I transferred so maybe you’d be more inclined to go back if I was with you.

Everyone said it was a stupid move, but I didn’t care because I loved you

and wanted to see you pull yourself out of this funk

that you’ve been in since that whore dumped you so many years ago.

You wanna go back to her so she can fuck you over more!

I don’t wanna go back…

Of course. Not now.

You’re caught, and now you’re trying to snake out.

I want you to follow through so you can find out what an idiot you are.

And when she dumps you again, and I promise you, she will,

when she dumps you again I want to laugh in your face

so you realize what you gave up our relationship for.

I’m glad Randal had the balls to tell me since you couldn’t.

Having him tell me was the weakest move ever. You’re spineless.

Veronica, I love you.

Fuck you!

(GONG RINGING)

Dante?

Our problems seem a world away

Close your eyes

And they’ll all go away

Close the night and listen

Close your eyes to me

And sell the lie

My face

Shall live

You’ll all be replaced

How’s your eye?

The swelling’s not that bad, but the F.D.S. stings.

How’s your neck?

It’s kind of hard to swallow.

You didn’t have to choke me, you know.

Why did you tell Veronica I was gonna dump her to go with Caitlin?

I thought I was doing you a favor.

Oh, Jesus.

You’re always saying how you can’t initiate change.

I thought I’d give you a hand.

Thanks.

You still didn’t have to choke me.

Oh, please. I’m surprised I didn’t kill you.

Why do you say that?

Why do I say that?

Forget it.

No, really. What did I do that was so wrong?

What don’t you do?

Sometimes I think you come to work to make my life miserable.

How do you figure?

What time did you get to work?

Like 10:00, or 10 after.

You were half an hour late. And then all you do is come in here.

Yeah, to talk to you.

Which means the video store is closed.

It’s not like I’m miles away.

Unless you’re out renting videos.

Hermaphrodites. I rented it so we could watch it together.

You get me slapped with a fine.

You argue with the customers, and I have to patch everything up.

You get us thrown out of a funeral by violating the corpse.

To top it off, you ruin my relationship. What’s your encore?

I mean, what’s your encore?

Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?

You know what the real tragedy about all of this is?

I’m not even supposed to be here today!

Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal!

Jesus, there you go, trying to pass the buck.

I’m the source of all your misery.

Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake?

Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend

without even discussing how he felt with his present one?

You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself.

“I’m not even supposed to be here today.”

You sound like an asshole!

Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here.

You’re here of your own volition.

You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder,

like this would fall apart if Dante wasn’t here.

Jesus, you overcompensate for having what’s basically a monkey’s job.

You push fuckin’ buttons. Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs.

You’re so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic,

so much more important than it really is.

Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add.

I work in a shitty video store, badly as well.

That guy Jay’s got it right. He has no delusions about what he does.

We like to make ourselves seem more important

than the people that come in to buy a paper or cigarettes.

We look down on them as if we’re so advanced.

Well, if we’re so fuckin’ advanced, what are we doin’ workin’ here?

Hey, the floor looks pretty clean. I put the cat next door.

Need a ride home?

No, I got one. Just pulled up.

You workin’ tomorrow?

Same time. What about you?

I’m callin’ out. Goin’ to the hospital and visit Caitlin.

And then I’m gonna try to talk to Veronica.

You wanna grab a bite to eat when you’re done with that and I get off work?

I’ll give you a call, let you know.

All right.

Hey, good luck with Veronica.

I can talk to her, try to straighten…

No, thanks. I think I can handle it.

We have a lot of shit to talk about.

Hell of a day.

To say the least.

Want me to do anything before I get out of here, man?

Why don’t you wrangle for me?

(SCOFFS) No.

Come on. Just wrangle out the door.

No. No, no, no.

Come on.

(SINGING) Here comes Randal

He’s a Berserker

(HUMMING)

(LAUGHING)

You’re closed.

I may never get what I want

But I’m happy just to die tryin’

And I hope I ain’t done nobody wrong

But I miss you smilin’

And I’m lookin’ for a cure ‘Cause I’m bored to tears

And I’m stuck in here

Stuck out here, stuck in here

We lived through another day

It’s a good excuse to celebrate

Take a number, knock on wood

We’ll find a reason to feel good

I know you know I want to know

How I feel

I can’t even tell

I can’t even tell

I can’t even tell

No one knows nothin’ about me

I’m guessin’ I’ll just keep on guessin’

No one sees what I see

This is my blessin’

And I’m lookin’ for a way to get outta here

Get me outta here

Outta here, outta here

We lived through another day

It’s a good excuse to celebrate

Take a number, knock on wood

Find a reason to feel good

I know you know you want to know

How I feel

I can’t even tell

I can’t even tell

I can’t even tell

I’m outta here

Outta here Outta here

I know you know I want to know

How I feel

I can’t tell

I know you know I’ll tell ya

If it’s real

It’s not our last affair

I can’t even tell

JAY: (SINGING) Smokin’ weed, smokin’ weed

Noich, noich, noich Smokin’ weed, smokin’ weed