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The Lego Batman Movie (2017) | Transcript

A cooler-than-ever Bruce Wayne must deal with the usual suspects as they plan to rule Gotham City, while discovering that he has accidentally adopted a teenage orphan who wishes to become his sidekick.
The Lego Batman Movie (2017)

The Lego Batman Movie (2017)
Director: Chris McKay
Stars: Will Arnett, Ralph Fiennes, Michael Cera, Kevin Conroy, Rosario Dawson, Zach Galifianakis, Jenny Slate, Mariah Carey, Billy Dee Williams, Jason Mantzoukas, Conan O’Brien, Doug Benson, Zoë Kravitz, Kate Micucci, Riki Lindhome, Channing Tatum

Plot: In the irreverent spirit of fun that made “The LEGO® Movie” a worldwide phenomenon, the self-described leading man of that ensemble – LEGO Batman – stars in his own big-screen adventure. But there are big changes brewing in Gotham, and if he wants to save the city from The Joker’s hostile takeover, Batman may have to drop the lone vigilante thing, try to work with others and maybe, just maybe, learn to lighten up.

* * *

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

BATMAN: Black.

All important movies start with a black screen.

And music.

Edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous.

And logos.

Really long and dramatic logos.

Warner Bros.

Why not “Warner Brothers”? I don’t know.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

DC.

The house that Batman built.

Yeah, what, Superman?

Come at me, bro.

I’m your Kryptonite.

Hmm.

Not sure what RatPac does, but that logo is macho.

I dig it.

Okay.

Get yourself ready for some reading.

“If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a change.”

“Hooo.”

No. I said that.

Batman is very wise.

I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack.

Yeah, I’ve got an extra ab.

Now, let’s start the movie.

BILL: Gotham Tower, this is McGuffin Airlines, Flight 1138.

We are transporting 11 million sticks of dynamite, 17,000 pounds of C-4, about 150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs, and two best friends!

And request permission to fly over the most crime-ridden city in the world.

Over.

I’m just looking at all the guys’ faces here in the control tower.

I’m good.

Sounds good to me.

Do it!

Yeah, as long as they’re best friends.

Thumbs up!

Yep, I think we’re cool with that.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

LEAD CRIMINAL: Gentlemen,

seal breach in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

What was that?

One of us should check it out.

Okay.

BOTH: Scissors, paper, rock.

Paper.

Scissors.

Ha! You always do paper.

I’m a loser at home and a loser at work.

Holy cow!

(SCREAMS)

(MUZAK PLAYING)

Captain Dale, is everything okay?

LEAD CRIMINAL: I am afraid Captain Dale had to bail.

I’m your new co-pilot.

And I always come to work

with a smile!

You should be terrified.

Why?

Because I will be taking over the city.

Mmm…

What?

Batman will stop you.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

He always stops you.

No, he doesn’t.

What about that time with the two boats?

This is better than the two boats.

Mmm…

Well, tonight is gonna be different!

Tonight is my greatest plan yet.

And trust me, Batman’s never gonna see it coming.

BILL: Like that time with the parade and the Prince music?

JOKER: Hey, quiet!

Good night, Steve.

Take it easy, Jeff.

Man, I really like that guy.

I sure hope nothing bad happens to him.

(JEFF WHISTLING)

(SINGING) Nothing bad ever happens to me

What the…

JOKER: Your city is under attack

by Gotham’s greatest criminal minds.

Including

The Riddler.

(LAUGHING)

Scarecrow.

Pizza delivery.

(GROANS)

Bane.

Hello.

Two-Face!

We need that door open, baby!

Catwoman.

Meow, meow. You’re in! Meow, meow.

SECURITY GUARD: I’m jumping out of the way!

(HONKING)

JOKER: And let’s not forget, Clayface.

(ROARING)

(IMITATING GUNS FIRING)

Poison Ivy.

(IMITATES GUNS FIRING)

Freeze!

MR. FREEZE: No!

You freeze!

JOKER: Mr. Freeze!

Penguin, Crazy Quilt, Eraser.

Polka-Dot Man, Mime, Tarantula.

King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth,

March Harriet, Zodiac Master, Gentleman Ghost.

Clock King, Calendar Man, Kite-Man, Catman, Zebra-Man, and the Condiment King.

Okay, are you making some of those up?

Nope, they’re all real.

Probably worth a Google.

Hey, watch it!

Commissioner Gordon!

What is it, O’Hara?

We just got a report!

All the Z-grade villains have broken into the energy plant!

What are we gonna do, sir?

The only thing we ever do. Flip the switch to the Bat-Signal!

Flip!

OFFICER: (ON RADIO) Commissioner, are you there?

The Bat-Signal, she’s been egged!

(GIGGLING)

O’HARA: It’s Egghead, sir.

I’m well aware of his work.

Dear gosh. You’ve destroyed the Bat-Signal.

You have thought of everything.

Yeah, I know!

And when I take over Gotham City…

ENERGY PLANT COMPUTER: Opening reactor core doors.

JOKER:…Batman will grovel at the feet

of his greatest enemy!

Me! The Joker!

(LAUGHS)

Joker, do you read me?

10-4, girl buddy.

We’re ready for you, sugar plum.

Well, then, let’s raise the roof!

BANE: Fire in the hole!

(SIRENS WAILING)

O’Hara, have you tried the Bat-Phone?

Yes, but all I’m getting is this hold music.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

I love it.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I want snipers trained on that building!

You bet!

I want water and air support, yesterday!

Ahoy, sir!

And I need SWAT here now!

OFFICER: Phone call for Commissioner Gordon.

Hello? Batman?

Hi, Jimmy! It’s the Jokes. Oop!

Nobody calls you that.

(SCOFFS) Yes, people do call me that.

Okay, listen up.

ALL: Go, go, go!

JOKER: At this very moment, an unnecessarily complicated bomb

is being attached to the inside of the main energy core.

If the mayor isn’t here in five minutes to negotiate the city’s surrender,

then I shall destroy Gotham City.

I did something!

PIPPA: Doctor, that sounds frightening and overly complicated.

Talk us through it.

Well, I don’t wanna scare any small children who may be listening,

but it’s a little-known fact that Gotham City

is built on a bunch of flimsy plates stuck together.

There’s literally nothing beneath us,

except an infinite abyss that smells like dirty underwear.

If Joker’s bomb were to go off,

these plates would break apart,

plunging every Gotham citizen

into the eternal abyss forever.

JOKER: And you wouldn’t want that, now would you?

Now get me the mayor! Joker out!

Madam Mayor, I cannot ask you to do this!

Jim, did you find Batman?

No, ma’am.

Then we have no choice.

The Joker has the upper hand. We have to surrender Gotham City.

GORDON: Oh, no.

I’m sorry!

PILOT: Flying the mayor package in right now.

SWAT LEADER: SWAT team, get your stun guns ready!

Non-lethal.

BOTH: Yeah!

PILOT: Lowering mayor package through hole.

JOKER: Madam Mayor!

Thanks for dropping by.

(SCOFFS) I’ve only got one thing to say to you, Joker.

Well, you better make it fast.

Do you like to gamble?

Oh, I certainly do.

Do you ever play roulette?

On occasion.

Well, let me give you a word of advice.

I’m all ears.

When playing roulette…

Yes?

…always bet on black.

Batman?

What are you doing? You’re completely outnumbered here!

Are you nuts?

You wanna get nuts? Come on!

Let’s get nuts!

‘Cause I just wrote a song about how I’m gonna kick all your butts!

Stop him before he starts singing!

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Yeah!

In the darkest night

I make the bad guys fall

There’s a million heroes

Computer, overcompensate.

But I’m the best of them all

PUTER: I’m on my way, sir.

Who has the coolest gadgets?

Batman!

Who has the tricked-out ride?

Batman!

Who does the sickest backflips?

Batman!

Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na Batman!

Yeah, hey, hey! Batman jam!

Da-Na, da-Na, da-Na, da-Na

Batman!

You think my muscles are big?

Thank you.

You haven’t seen my brain

Ladies, it’s okay if you stare

Why?

‘Cause I’m a billionaire

Get it together, guys!

You’re making me look bad in front of Batman!

‘Puter, where’s the bomb?

PUTER: The bomb is located at the base of the energy core.

What the…

I get the last laugh I get the final grin

Throw you into the asylum With Harley Quinn

Turn Two-Face To black-and-blue face

I 100% am not Bruce Wayne!

Kiss me, Batman.

Who’s the manliest man?

Ugh!

Batman!

With the buns of steel?

Batman!

‘Puter.

Who could choke-hold a bear?

Batman!

Who never skips leg day?

Batman!

Who always pays their taxes?

Not Batman

How is he beating all of you again?

(GROANS)

Because…

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I’m Batman!

It’s gonna blow!

I’m Batman!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I’m Batman!

Hi, Batman! So weird to keep running into you.

Batman!

Looks like your plan failed.

Well, it’s only a matter of time before I take over Gotham City.

When has that ever happened? Computer!

PUTER: Calculating. Never.

You know why?

(YELPS)

Because I’m always one step ahead of you.

And I always get away!

Not this time.

‘Cause this time

I got you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, there’s only one problem.

Who’s gonna defuse the bomb?

It’s gotta be one or the other, Batman.

Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy.

You can’t do both.

I’m sorry, what did you just say?

You can’t do both, I said.

No, I mean the other thing.

Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy.

You think you’re my greatest enemy?

Yes! You’re obsessed with me!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) No, I’m not.

Yes, you are.

No, I’m not.

Yes, you are! Who else drives you to one-up them the way that I do?

Bane.

No, he doesn’t!

Superman.

Superman’s not a bad guy!

Then I’d say that I don’t currently have a bad guy.

I am fighting a few different people.

What?

I like to fight around.

Okay, look, I’m fine with you fighting other people

if you wanna do that, but what we have is special.

So, when people ask you

“Who’s your number one bad guy?” you say…

Superman.

Are you seriously saying that there is nothing,

nothing special about our relationship?

Whoa.

Let me tell you something, J-bird.

Batman doesn’t do ‘ships.

What?

As in “relationships.”

There is no “us.”

Batman and Joker are not a thing.

I don’t need you.

I don’t need anyone.

You mean nothing to me.

No one does.

(BOMB TIMER BEEPING)

(GRUNTING)

(SNIPS)

Hurray! Batman!

(ALL CHEERING)

You did it!

You’re welcome.

Thank you, Batman.

Oh, my pleasure.

WOMAN: Batman, we love you!

Thank you! I’m blushing super hard under the mask.

Grazie, Batman! (BLOWS KISS) Prego.

MAN: You’re the best, Batman!

Oh, I’m humble.

Thanks, Batman!

I’m super modest about it. Thank you.

Batman, you’re the greatest!

Oh, pray hands, pray hands.

WOMAN: Thanks for saving the city!

You’re welcome.

MAN 1: Batman, I love you more than my kids!

BATMAN: So do I, guy!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN 2: You’re our hero, Batman!

(LAUGHS) I love my life.

Computer.

PUTER: Go ahead.

BATMAN: Are we near the orphanage?

Yes.

Great. Let’s turn those frowns upside down.

(HONKING BATMAN THEME)

That sounds like the Batmobile.

No way!

Hey, orphans! Look who’s here!

(ORPHANS CLAMORING)

It’s Batman!

Hey, kids. Who wants a shot from the merch gun?

ALL: I do, I do, I do!

Great!

Kaboom!

I got a lunchbox!

Kaboom!

I got a sippy cup!

Kaboom!

I got a Batarang!

And the rest of you get Bat Bucks.

Kaboom!

(ALL CHEERING)

Remember, kids, if you want to be like Batman,

take care of your abs. Batman out!

ORPHANS: (CHANTING) Batman! Batman! Batman!

(HONKING BATMAN THEME)

Thanks, Batman. You’re my hero!

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Whoo!

(LAUGHING)

PUTER: What is the password?

Iron Man sucks.

Thank you.

It must be great to be Batman.

I can only imagine he is going home right now

to party the night away,

surrounded by scores of friends and lady tennis players.

(BATS SQUEAKING)

Hey, Computer.

I’m home.

(ECHOING)

PUTER: Welcome home, sir.

Initializing Batcave operating system.

Hey, ‘Puter.

What’s up, Batman?

Put this bomb in the museum.

Certainly, sir.

Thank you.

No worries.

Anything exciting happen when I was gone?

You have four pieces of mail.

Great, what’d I get?

You have this week’s Pennysaver,

two bills, and a coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond.

It expires in two weeks.

But I’ve heard that some stores will honor them past the expiry date.

Copy that.

Also, Alfred is on the 17th floor, grouting tiles in the second bathroom

of the fifth master bedroom.

Do you want me to tell Alfred you’re home?

No, that’s cool, Computer. Thanks for the update.

I should probably have some dinner.

Alfred left your lobster thermidor in the fridge.

Oh, that’s my favorite.

I can’t wait.

Oh, not 20 minutes. Stupid.

(SIGHS)

(SMACKS LIPS RHYTHMICALLY)

(STRUMMING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(PLAYING GUITAR SOLO)

Oh, wait.

There, which one is, uh…

Okay.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

JERRY MAGUIRE: You complete me.

(LAUGHS)

DOROTHY BOYD: (SNIFFLES) Shut up. You had me at hello.

(LAUGHING)

Love it!

(SIGHS)

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Dad.

I, uh…

I saved the city again today.

I wish you could have seen me.

I think you would have been really proud.

There you are!

(GRUNTS)

Oh! Alfred! I am so sorry.

I have incredible reflexes.

No, it’s all my fault, sir.

I should have known better than to sneak up on you like that.

Sorry, I was just lost in thought, and as you know,

when I’m in there, I’m in deep.

Were you looking at the old family pictures again?

At the what? The old family…

Oh, yes! I see what you mean.

Look at that! The old gang.

Yeah. No, I wasn’t.

I see.

Sir, if you don’t mind my saying, I’m a little concerned.

I’ve seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005

and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989

and that weird one in 1966.

Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling right now?

I don’t talk about feelings, Alfred.

I don’t have any, I’ve never seen one.

I’m a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante,

and a heavy metal rapping machine.

I don’t feel anything emotionally, except for rage.

24/7, 365, at a million percent.

And if you think that there’s something behind that, then you’re crazy.

Good night, Alfred.

Sir, it’s morning.

(HISSING AND GROANING)

Master Bruce, you live on an island, figuratively and literally.

BATMAN: Yeah. I love it.

You can’t spend the rest of your life alone,

dressed in black,

listening to angry music, and staying up all night.

Yes, I can, ’cause I’m Batman.

But don’t you think it’s time

you finally faced your greatest fear?

Snakes?

No.

Clowns?

No.

Snake clowns?

Bruce, listen.

Your greatest fear is

being a part of a family again.

Nope. Now it’s snake clowns, because you put that idea in my head.

Sir?

Time for push-ups!

One, two… We’re going to 1,000.

I’m afraid that’s not possible, sir.

It is possible. I’m already at 20.

You’re scheduled to go to Jim Gordon’s retirement party.

What? No. I don’t wanna do that.

You’re going to have a great time!

No, no, no.

You might meet some new people!

No, no, no!

You could even make some new friends.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(BEATBOXING) No!

And before you go, we can do your favorite thing.

(GASPS) Tuxedo dress-up party.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHS)

Sir, aren’t you forgetting something?

Nope.

Your cowl.

My what, now?

(SIGHS) Your armored face disguise?

Fine.

Happy now?

Indubitably.

Good. Must be nice to be happy.

PIPPA: Tonight, on Metropolis in Focus,

we have our favorite star, Superman!

What up, Gotham!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Superman, tell me. How do you feel

about your recent banishment of Zod to the Phantom Zone?

Yeah, look, Pippa, it’s… It’s complicated. Okay?

Zod and I, we’ve had some pretty epic battles over the years.

(SIGHS)

I don’t believe I would be Superman without fighting Zod.

See? Superman gets it. Why can’t Batman?

Check it out, guys. I built a CD rack. Ta-da!

And how am I supposed to get Batman’s respect

when I’m working with these human farts?

Boo-boo, look at me.

You’re too good for Batman. He needs to open his eyes

and see what it feels like when you’re not around. Okay?

Yeah, Pippa. I couldn’t put Zod in a regular prison, right?

He’s Zod. Come on!

No, he needed to go someplace

where he could never harm Metropolis ever again.

The Phantom Zone.

PIPPA: Ah, yes, the notorious space jail

that houses the greatest super-villains of all time.

They’ve got, like, the sickest baddies up there.

They got, like, this guy.

And her.

WICKED WITCH: I’ll get you, my pretty!

SUPERMAN: To say nothing about him. VOLDEMORT: Wingardium Leviosa!

SUPERMAN: And these guys.

DALEKS: Exterminate!

I’m starting to get an idea, monkey face.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

REPORTER: Bruce, over here!

Okay, shutterbugs. Look alive, here we go.

I’m gonna give you three poses. You ready?

Kissy face.

Oops, I did it again.

And the Bad Boys. What you gonna do?

I’m out of here, guys. Thank you.

Congresswoman.

Mr. Wayne, good to see you.

Senator, looking great.

Bruce.

(SINGING) I’m starting with the man in the mirror

Bruce, any advice for the new commissioner?

Long as he knows how to push the button for the Bat-Signal, he’ll be fine.

Bruce, I don’t know how you did it.

You can’t prove it, you didn’t do it.

Mr. Wayne, so great to see you! Come and join us!

Mr. Prime Minister.

Did you have some work done?

No way!

Bruce Wayne!

He’s the greatest orphan of all time.

ALL: (SINGING) Shamon Shamon

Nice to see you, Mr. Ambassador.

Mr. Wayne!

You want a picture?

That would be swell!

Here we go. Party face!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Boom. Keep it.

Whoa! Thanks, Mr. Wayne.

Call me Bruce, champ.

I’m just so jazzed to meet you, sir.

I’m sorry, did you say “jazzed”?

Yes! My name’s Richard Grayson,

but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.

Well, children can be cruel.

Yeah.

Great to see you, Bruce.

Nice to see you, sir.

So, I had a question for you, sir.

Okay, hit me with it.

Do you have any advice on how to get adopted?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you do?

Mr. Wayne, can I get an autograph?

Sure.

Um, all right, for example, is teeth whitener a good idea?

Yes. There you go, pal.

Thanks!

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Looking good, Bruce.

Thank you so much.

How about eyeliner or a foreign language?

Try both. Bueno.

Look, it’s the new commissioner!

Where? Oh, she’s with the mayor!

Okay. Let’s see.

Here she is, everyone!

Oh, my darling!

Hi, Dad.

(GASPS)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

DICK: Mr. Wayne?

Should I get experimental surgery to make my eyes larger

and more vulnerable-looking?

Uh, do that.

(LAUGHING)

Uh, Mr. Wayne?

Are you currently in the market to adopt a child?

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHS) Wow.

Are you looking for more of a base model orphan

or one that has more upgraded features?

Yep.

Like cooking or driftwood art?

Gymnastic abilities?

Yep. Yep.

Close-up street magic à la David Blaine?

All of it sounds great.

Really?

Because all of it sounds like me.

Mr. Wayne, do you think you’d be interested in adopting me

as your future orphan son?

Definitely.

Oh, this is great!

Because all I want is to get adopted, so I can finally stop being

alone.

McCASKlLL: We’ve gathered here tonight

to mark the retirement of Jim Gordon.

Goodbye.

And we wish him well on his South African jungle safari!

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you.

Now, to introduce you

to his exciting new replacement.

Everyone, meet your new commissioner!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: Meet Barbara Gordon!

The new commissioner of Gotham City!

Whoa!

She was top of her class at Harvard for Police.

She cleaned up the streets of Gotham’s nearby sister city Blüdhaven

using statistics

and compassion.

And now she’s bringing her new ideas

and her nunchucks to Gotham City.

Congratulations, darling.

Thanks, Dad.

Here she is, everyone!

Thank you! Thanks!

Hurray!

REPORTER 1: Ms. Gordon, over here!

REPORTER 2: Big smile!

Wow.

Thank you for the oversized key to Arkham Asylum.

And, uh, what’s this?

Thank you for the switch to the Bat-Signal.

Nice.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Dad, you’ve always done a great job protecting Gotham City.

Flip! (CHUCKLES) That’s me.

Thank you. Along with Batman, of course.

Whoo! Let’s hear it for Batman!

Who I wish was here right now.

BRUCE: Oh, I’m sure he’s listening.

I’d like to ask all of you a question.

Are you fed up with crime?

Uh-huh. We’re all tired of crime.

Yeah, we’re sick of it.

Great. Then let’s talk about real improvements

that will end the cycle of crime.

I’ve got a four-point pilot program that I’d love to share with you.

I wanna hear all four points.

It’s called…

I am ready.

It takes a village…

Best opening to a title ever.

Not a Batman.

Waiter.

Sir?

Can I?

Of course.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Thanks so much.

(GULPING)

What? Look.

Batman’s been on the job for a very, very, very,

very, very, very, very, very long time.

He has aged phenomenally.

However, despite all the great work Batman has done for us,

Gotham City is still the most crime-ridden city in the world.

She’s got a great point.

Interesting.

Historically speaking, that is accurate.

He hasn’t captured Riddler.

MAN: You know, she’s right.

He hasn’t captured Bane.

Huh! Or Catwoman.

Or Two-Face, or any of Gotham’s other villains!

He’s not good at his job.

Including the Joker!

She’s making a lot of sense.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Excuse me. I’m so sorry. Excuse me.

(CLEARING THROAT)

MAN: We love you, Barbara!

Yes.

Hi. Bruce Wayne.

Billionaire, bon vivant, gallivanter, playboy,

Gotham’s most eligible bachelor, like, 90 years in a row.

That’s me right there.

I know who you are, Mr. Wayne.

You bet you do. Quick quest, what is your problem with Batman,

and also, what the heck, dude?

I’m glad you asked, Mr. Wayne.

I’m not a Batman hater.

But we don’t need an unsupervised adult man

karate-chopping poor people in a Halloween costume.

We need to take what’s good about Batman…

…and marry it to actual laws and proper ethics

and accountability.

I hate everything you just said.

Because my dream is for the police force to team up with Batman.

Waiter.

Wouldn’t that be better?

(BRUCE SPITTING)

And I know that, together, the world’s greatest detective…

(JOKER GIGGLING) …and Gotham’s finest

could clean up these crime-ridden streets.

(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

Forever.

BOTH: Everybody, get down!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Grand entrance! (IMITATES GUNS FIRING)

Everyone! Make your way to the exits immediately!

WOMAN: Run!

Team Bane, block the exits.

Going somewhere?

Clayface, Freeze, bring me the new Commissioner Gordon.

We’re on it.

Cool.

And, Harley, you know what to do.

I sure do.

It’s time for Operation “Take Out the Laundry.”

(GRUNTS) Butler One, this is Bat One. Do you copy?

Go ahead, Bat One. I need my armored face disguise, now!

Only if you say the magic word.

Now! No.

You’re fired.

No. Sir, we’ll talk about this

back at the Batcave.

Hey, ‘Puter.

PUTER: Yes?

Initialize masterbuild music.

Right away.

Collateral damage assessment suggests the Scuttler, sir.

Good plan.

(GRUNTS) Madam Mayor, stay close to me.

Head for the south exit.

Now, ma’am.

(GROANS)

Go! Go! Go!

Honey, let Batman take care of it.

Dad, I got this.

(GRUNTING)

PUTER: Scuttler online.

Chief O’Hara, we’re coming in hot!

I’m almost there.

(SCREAMS)

BARBARA: Chief, get the mayor to safety.

BATMAN: Computer, I’ve got the Joker in my sights.

Team, I got the Joker in my sights.

Joker!

Joker.

Uh, excuse me? I was about to…

Push the Bat-Signal? Good call. I like your instincts.

JOKER: I’ve got a surprise for you guys.

And it’s gonna make you smile.

Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace.

Everybody, get down.

I…

Joker, no!

…surrender.

What?

Uh, what did you just say?

I said, “I surrender.”

KING TUT: Joker, what are you doing?

I’m sorry, my Bat-ears must be malfunctioning

because it sounds…

I surrender!

Okay, you know what? Cool it. You’re a criminal.

(TUTTING)

You run, and I catch you.

Not anymore, Batman.

You were right. There is no “us.”

So, there’s no point in me trying to fight you anymore.

Therefore, I will be surrendering myself

to our strong-willed and forward-thinking new commissioner.

Blink, blink, blink. Blinkety blink, blink, blink!

That’s really suspicious.

Yeah, it is. What are you up to, Joker?

I just wanna go to Arkham and pay for all of my crimes.

Blink, blink, blink. Blinkety blink, blink, blink!

Are you actually saying “blink”?

No! Blink, blink, blink.

Joker! That’s enough.

Okay, Babs. I got this.

Not so fast, Batman. You can’t fight me anymore.

I’m off the market.

What are you talking about?

I’m off the menu.

You won’t get to fight any of this anymore.

Man, am I sorry I asked.

Anyway, have fun in jail and…

Batman, what are you doing?

(GRUNTS)

Punching Bane.

That was unnecessary.

Oh, no, you can’t fight Bane anymore either.

Really?

(BANE GROANS)

Yeah. Or Riddler.

(SUPER-VILLAINS GROANING)

Or Catwoman. Or Condiment King.

Why not?

Because we’re all surrendering. Right, guys?

ALL: We are?

Yes!

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

(SUPER-VILLAINS YELP)

(ALL GASP)

RIDDLER: Riddle me this. What just happened?

It’s the end of crime!

All right!

That was amazing!

Over here, over here!

You did it!

Yeah, of course I did. I’m…

Sorry, not you. We’re talking to Commissioner Gordon.

Well, it was a team effort.

I got this, Babs.

Commissioner, how do you feel?

Amazing! This is a great first day.

(SCOFFS) Okay.

Question for Batman.

Shoot.

What are you gonna do with the rest of your life?

What do you mean, the rest of my life?

We don’t need a vigilante crime fighter now that there’s no more crime.

Uh, yes, you do.

You can spend some quality time with your family.

My…

Okay, Batman. We’ll take it from here.

All right, listen up.

All of you have the right to remain silent.

Let’s roll out!

PENGUIN: Toodle-oo, Batman!

BANE: Bye, Batman. POISON IVY: Au revoir, Batman.

CLAYFACE: Bye, Batman.

JOKER: Bye, Batman!

(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)

Today is a victory

for the citizens of Gotham City!

ALL: (CHANTING) No more crime! No more crime! No more crime!

No more crime! No more crime! No more crime!

No more crime! No more crime! No more crime!

Is everything okay, sir?

You’ve barely touched your lobster thermidor.

I don’t have time to eat lobster thermidor right now! (YELLS)

JOKER: Warrior two.

Pigeon pose. Tree pose.

Tree pose.

Hey, Batman!

Barbara!

What are you doing?

Nothing. I have a very full life.

No, I mean, what are you doing here?

Surveillance. On the Joker.

Batman, we both know the Joker’s up to something.

Well, then we can’t just let him run around loose in a prison.

He’s not loose.

He has to go someplace outside the law.

Outside the law?

Yeah.

Somewhere like, uh…

Hi, there. I’m here from Phantom’s Own Laundry.

Here to take that bad stuff off your hands.

Wait, that’s it! The Phantom Zone.

The Phantom Zone? No way!

That is super illegal and way outside our jurisdiction.

So, why don’t you and I work together

inside the law, to figure out what he’s up to?

Batman works alone. That’s my motto. Copyright Batman.

(SIGHS)

Batman, there are no more vigilantes allowed in Gotham City.

Okay. Totally got it.

Then I have to go into double-secret super vigilante mode.

You said that out loud.

I know that she said I said that out loud, but there’s no way I did.

She has no idea what’s going on in my super-mind.

Super-mind?

(GASPS)

Smoke bomb!

Computer, how do I put the Joker in the Phantom Zone?

Quickest route, no freeways.

‘Puter, do you hear me?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Hello, Master Bruce.

Alfred, there’s something wrong with the Batcomputer. Watch this.

‘Puter. Nothing.

‘Puter. Do you see what I’m saying?

There’s nothing wrong with it, sir.

I have just taken away your computer privileges.

The parental lock? You can’t do that.

Oh, I can. I’ve been reading

Setting Limits for Your Out-of-Control Child.

You know what? Doesn’t matter,

’cause I have a double-secret super password

that unlocks the parental lock.

You mean, “Alfred da Butt-ler,” with two T’s?

(LAUGHS)

Sir, it’s time for you to stop this unhealthy behavior.

No, it’s not.

You need to take responsibility for your life.

Not right now, I don’t.

And it starts by raising your son.

I’m sorry.

I literally have no idea what you’re talking about.

The young orphan you adopted at the gala. Remember?

(RICHARD WHOOPING)

Wow! Stairs. Whee!

He’s been living here for the past week.

Hello, table! Boom!

ALFRED: And I must say, I’ve grown rather fond of the young lad.

(WHISPERS) Hello, secret camera.

ALFRED: You should get to know him.

(SINGING) We are family

You and he have a lot in common.

En garde.

Hello, family photos.

ALFRED: He lost his parents at a very young age.

I’ve always wanted one of those.

Doesn’t he deserve a chance for someone to take him under their wing,

as I took you under mine?

Alfred, you’ve been watching way too many Lifetime movies

and drinking chardonnay.

It’s Pinot grigio, sir.

Whatever it is.

Listen, you don’t have a family.

You’re satisfied serving me.

So what do you know about having a surrogate son?

Now, I’m gonna go fight crime

while you put that kid on the next jet to the orphanage. Got it?

(SIGHS)

As you wish, sir.

(WHISTLING)

Whoops-a-daisy.

(RICHARD GASPS)

BATMAN: Wait, what are you doing?

Dusting.

You can’t let him into the Batcave!

I’m not. I’m letting him into your life

via the Batcave.

(WHOOPS)

(GASPS)

What?

(GASPING)

It’s the Batcave!

(BATS SQUEAKING)

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

(WHOOPING)

(GASPS) Batman! Whoa!

You’re darn right, “Whoa.”

Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne’s basement?

No. Bruce Wayne lives in Batman’s attic.

We can have sleepovers every night!

No, we can’t.

Wow! Look, it’s the Bat-Sub!

Wait, don’t touch that!

Over there, it’s the Bat-Space shuttle.

Please, keep your hands off that.

Look, it’s the Bat-Zeppelin!

Don’t touch that either!

It’s the Bat-Train!

No!

It’s the Bat-Kayak. No!

It’s the Bat-Dune buggy. No!

It’s the Bat shark repellent?

Uh, actually, you can touch that. It’s completely useless.

Whoa! Thanks, Batman!

Please, stand over there.

And don’t touch, look at, or do anything

for the remaining moments you have in my presence.

Okay, cool.

Computer. Go ahead.

How do I put the Joker in the Phantom Zone?

PUTER: Joker can only be put in the Phantom Zone

using the Phantom Zone Projector.

Current location,

Superman’s Fortress of Solitude

inside the Atomic Cauldron.

However, only a person that isn’t shredded, ripped, or extremely swoll

can enter the cauldron.

Ugh, I’m way too buff.

PUTER: You also have beautiful abs, sir.

That’s my cross to bear.

Additionally, once inside the cauldron,

multiple Kryptonian defense systems engage,

including the Acid Moat, Ring of Napalm,

and the Jaws of Death.

Chance of total mission failure is 110%.

Those are not great odds.

Wait a minute.

Hey, kid.

Yes, sir?

You’re super nimble, right?

I sure am!

And small?

Very.

And quiet?

(WHISPERING) When I desire to be.

And 110% expendable?

I don’t know what that means, but okay.

Great. Follow me.

We are gonna steal the Phantom Zone Projector from Superman.

Steal?

Yeah.

We have to right a wrong.

And, sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right.

Gandhi said that.

Are we sure Gandhi said that?

I’m paraphrasing.

Cool!

PUTER: Preparing Fortress of Solitude infiltration gear.

Wow! Look at all these!

Do I get a costume for the mission, too?

I got a feeling that you’ll just look like a kid on Halloween.

Don’t you think?

Don’t touch that.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo-hoo!

PUTER: El Mariachi. RICHARD: I like that one!

That one is culturally insensitive.

Night Terror.

That one!

BATMAN: No way.

This one?

PUTER: Death Merchant.

BATMAN: No.

I’m okay.

This one.

PUTER: Fire Starter.

This one. Clawed Reigns.

Excali-Bat.

This one?

Silent but Deadly.

BATMAN: Nope.

Bat-ryshnikov.

(WHOOPING)

How do we feel about this one?

Dress-up parties are for grown-ups only.

Wait. What’s that one there?

BATMAN: That one was for the assignment called

The Jamaican Caper.

The locals called me Reggae Man.

I love it!

Ah! Feels like I was poured into this.

My only trouble is,

these pants are just a little tight.

I don’t know if I could throw a kick or jump in them.

I got an idea. Rip! That’s better!

Now I’m free, now I’m moving.

Come on, Batman. Let’s get grooving!

I can only look you in the eyes right now.

Sir, what are you doing?

What do you mean?

Why is Master Dick dressed like that?

How dare you tell me how to parent my kid I just met?

To the Batmobile!

Hot-diggity-dog!

PUTER: Vehicle rotisserie engaged.

Retrieving the Speedwagon.

Atomic batteries to power.

Turbines to speed.

Hey, kid. Let’s go.

Oh, shoot!

What?

I probably shouldn’t leave

until I get the thumbs up from my new old man, Bruce Wayne.

Uh, yeah. Here’s the thing.

Bruno and I decided

to share custody of you.

So I get a say

and you’re mission approved.

No way! Is this really happening?

Yeah.

Whoo-hoo!

A month ago, I had no dads.

Then I had one dad. Now I have two dads!

And one of them is Batman!

Yeah.

(SINGING) It’s raining dads!

So,

are you ready to follow Batman

and maybe learn a few life lessons along the way?

I sure am, Dad Two!

But first, where’s the seatbelt?

The first lesson is,

life doesn’t give you seatbelts!

Let’s go!

Whoo-hoo!

Yes!

(WHOOPING)

Faster, Dad! Faster!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Yeah!

RICHARD: Yes, yes, yes!

(BRAKES SCREECH)

(GROANS)

Oh! Oh, my goodness. I am so sorry.

Get back up in that seat. There you go.

Hey, listen. As soon as I get back to the Batcave,

I’ll make sure that Alfred puts seatbelts on there, okay?

But for the time being, I’m just gonna put my arm right here.

And we’re just gonna gently ease out of here.

And here we go.

Okay. Like all superheroes,

Superman has zero friends, and he spends most of his time

basking in sweet, sweet isolation, here at his alone palace.

So, I’ll keep him busy

while you sneak into that vent and get the Projector. Got it?

Copy that! Oh, here’s an idea. I could also…

Whoa, whoa. Don’t even finish that thought.

See this counter? These are all the good ideas Batman has.

And no one else has ever had any good ideas. So don’t even try.

Your super power…

(GASPS)

…is excellent listening and execution of my ideas.

Let’s try it out.

Cool!

Drop to the ground. Do a backflip.

Do a front flip. Triple Axel.

Plié. Relevé. Jeté. Pythagorean theorem.

A squared plus B squared equals C squared.

Physicalize it!

A squared plus B squared

equals C squared.

How’d I do, Dad?

Mediocre.

Yes!

And don’t call me “Dad.” Now, begin mission.

Yes, Papa.

“Papa” falls into the “Dad” category.

(RICHARD GRUNTING)

(SUPERMAN THEME PLAYING)

‘Sup, Supes?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHS) Wow. It’s Batman.

And he’s at my house.

Right now.

What are you doing here?

Don’t worry about it, dawg. I’m not here to throw down or anything.

Uh, no, I would crush you.

(SCOFFS) Okay. Sure, sure, sure.

Hey, listen. Thank me later,

but I just happened to be in the hood.

And I figured that you could probably use the…

(MUSIC STOPS)

…company.

(FLASH COUGHS)

Wait a minute.

Are you… Are you having

the “57th Annual Justice League Anniversary Party”

without me?

(MOUTHING) No.

ALL: No! No! No!

No! There must have been some mistake with the email.

That’s crazy, man.

Totally! Yes, email mistakes happen all the time.

Sometimes I don’t get Superman’s emails for

years.

Great point, G.L. Great point.

All right. Well, that clears up everything, right?

Enjoy the party, bro.

Hit it, DJ Wonder Dog.

(BARKS)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) I’m Superman at the super party

I’m Superman at the super party

Hey-hey

Hey, Batman. Do you wanna take a quick pic?

Sure. Where do you want me?

Right there is perfect.

Here’s the camera.

Oh.

Okay, party people, get together.

Yeah. Everybody say…

ALL: Super Friends!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Let me see it! Let me see!

Classic! We got everyone.

Yeah, everyone.

FLASH: Thanks, Batman.

Yeah, no problem. I did, like, a burst.

FLASH: This party is the bomb!

Look at me! More like Martian Dance Hunter, am I right?

(ALL LAUGHING)

‘Puter, call kid.

Bat-Dad?

How’s it going?

‘Cause everything is going great down here.

I can see the target.

But there’s some kind of laser energy thing

that I can’t get through.

Okay. I’ll see if I can shut it off.

But I’m gonna have to make up an excuse to leave this party

without anyone noticing.

Bye.

Kid, tell me when it’s off, all right?

Now? No.

Now? No.

Now? Not quite.

Now? No.

My son…

No.

These irreplaceable crystals contain all my knowledge,

which I now pass on to…

Darn it. It’s gotta be one of these. Is this the one?

O.M. gosh! You did it, Padre! It’s off!

Okay.

Now you gotta make your way to the Atomic Cauldron

and get that Phantom Zone Projector.

Do exactly as I say.

10-4!

Okay. Jump!

Do a front flip. Do a backflip.

Run, run, run. Drop.

That’s excellent listening.

Shimmy.

Strafe-left. Strafe-right.

Avoid.

Hey, I was thinking. If I’m gonna be a superhero,

and go on awesome superhero missions like this one, can we use code names?

Mine can be Robin.

I’m sorry, say that again? Robin!

As in the small, Midwestern frail bird?

Yeah, and I already have a catch phrase. Tweet, tweet, on the street.

Hard pass. And a song.

(SINGING) Fly, Robin, fly

Harder pass. Now slide!

(WHOOPING)

Okay, kid. I’m gonna teach you

how to masterbuild your way inside that thing.

Yay!

Grab those 2×6’s, pull out the axle studs,

disconnect the 6×10 plates.

Like this?

Whoa! Unbelievable obeying.

Now, let’s ride.

Toes to the nose.

Now you’re gleaming the cube.

Yeah!

Now, get creative.

Freestyle a little bit. Oh, that’s good, kid!

It’s like looking in a Bat-mirror.

Okay. Leap.

(WHOOPING)

I’ve got the Projector, Dad. Booyah!

Now do everything we just did backwards.

Oh.

Oh! Here you go, Dad. We did it!

Yeah! Mission accomplished. That was fun!

You okay, Batman? You seem the opposite of stern.

Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just

watching you out there,

it was like the world wasn’t all darkness anymore.

For a brief moment

I could have sworn I felt something.

PUTER: That feeling is pride, sir.

You’re right.

I am super proud.

(GASPS)

Of myself.

For being such a good teacher, obviously.

Yeah, you’re a great teacher.

I am?

Yeah! I wanna be just like you when I grow up, Padre!

Wait, what did you call me?

I called you Padre.

It’s Spanish for “Dad.” Sorry.

Well, isn’t it also a cool Spanish way to say “buddy”?

Yeah, I could’ve been saying it that way.

Then I’ll allow it.

Oh, you’re such a great padre!

What are you doing?

I’m trying to give you a big old hug.

Thought you were attacking me.

Hey, you up for another top secret superhero mission

to defeat the Joker?

ROBIN: Oh, I am down to stop that clown.

But I don’t wanna make my other dad, Bruce Wayne, angry.

Do you think we’ll be done before my bedtime?

Bedtime?

Batman’s life lesson number two.

Vigilantes don’t have bedtimes.

Yes!

So, what’s the vigilante policy on cookies?

Unlimited!

All right, kid. We need to avoid Commissioner Gordon.

So, lesson number three.

When going stealth,

you gotta hide every part of you, physically and emotionally.

Got it?

Yeah!

Already failed.

Now, what I need you to do

is use the naturally dark areas of your costume,

and integrate into the dark parts of this environment.

Okay.

Can you see me?

Yes.

How about now?

Yes.

What about now? Now?

Yes.

Yes. You’re a goner, kid.

Batman?

(GASPS) Barbara!

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Batman? Batman!

Hey, there. Look at you.

Who’s this?

Hi, police lady.

Is that your son?

Yes, I am.

Is that my son… No, that’s just weird.

It’s weirder if it’s not your son.

Right. No, I don’t… (STAMMERING)

I’m not in a relationship or anything.

I could have a kid.

I mean, if I met the right lady,

and if she was just standing right in front of me,

and we looked at each other and thought, “Hey, let’s do this.”

“Let’s be together.”

Batman?

Yes?

I hope you’re back because you’ve decided to work together

on the Joker case.

Uh…

Yeah. Absolutely!

Great.

(DOOR ALARM BUZZES)

Ooh. Arkham Asylum.

So, before we question the Joker…

Uh-huh.

…I’m gonna need you to hand over all your weapons.

I mean, I don’t know if I have anything…

(SCANNER BEEPS)

Oh!

I just got a couple here. There.

Is that it?

Yeah.

(SCANNER BEEPS)

Oh. Of course.

What about the utility belt? Anything in your cape?

(SCANNER BEEPING)

Under your cowl?

And your shoes.

There we go.

Uh… This is really uncomfortable.

Sorry. My shoes are part of my pants.

(ALARM BLARING)

Oops.

Batman?

Yes?

Why is your “not son”

trying to smuggle the Phantom Zone Projector into Arkham?

What? Hey, kid. What is this?

Batman, give me the Phantom Zone Projector.

No.

Batman!

Give me the Phantom Zone Projector! Give it to me!

No, no, no! Whoa! Nice.

I studied Brazilian jiu-jitsu at Harvard for Police.

Oh, yeah? Well, guess who got a PhD in smoke bombs!

(COUGHING)

Dr. Batman.

BARBARA: Guards! Get them!

Freeze, Batman!

Hey, kid. This is a training exercise. These guys are my bros.

Go ahead and take a couple of them out.

Cool!

BATMAN: Hey, Frank.

ROBIN: You want a piece of Robin?

BATMAN: Barney! Nice compound fracture!

ROBIN: How’d you like a punch, Glen?

Code Red!

I need total security lockdown, now!

(ALARM BLARING)

Om!

‘Sup, Joker?

Namaste, Batman.

Namaste.

Gross.

Ooh. Briefs man. Me, too.

Cut the baloney. Kid, guard the door, will ya?

On it! Take that, Alan!

Huh. Looks like you’re going to a lot of trouble for little old me.

I must be your greatest enemy after all.

Right, Batman?

I see what you’re trying to do.

And what is that?

You’re trying to entrap me into a relationship.

Really?

Yeah, and it’s not gonna work.

Oh, yes, it is.

Because I’m inside your head.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

No, you’re not!

No, you’re not!

(GASPS)

I knew you’d say that.

No, you didn’t!

No, you didn’t!

(GASPS)

And I knew you’d say that!

See? We aren’t so different, I and you.

It’s, “you and I!”

It’s, “you and I!”

Argh!

Admit it. I’m your greatest enemy.

You’re not my greatest enemy, Joker.

Okay, then send me to the Phantom Zone.

Fine, I will.

And prove I’m your greatest enemy.

(GROWLS)

Batman, don’t do this.

As long as you’re in the Phantom Zone, I’ll be saving Gotham City,

and that’s all that matters to me.

Goodbye, Joker.

Oh, Batman, thank you!

(JOKER LAUGHS)

Yes! That’s what I call saving the city again!

Batman, what are you doing?

I’m Batman-ing.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

I’m Batman I’m awesome

I got a nine-pack

Stop it!

Batman, I can’t believe you did this.

Hi, police lady.

And even worse,

you’ve made this kid into an accessory to your crime.

Sorry, kid.

That’s okay, ma’am.

As long as I’m doing a dime in the big house with my old man,

everything’s gonna be A-okay.

Officers, take this Projector to the evidence room.

You got it.

And get this man some pants.

I’m good the way I am.

B Go, why has nobody fist bumped me yet?

(SIGHS) You know, when I was a kid,

I wanted to be you, Batman.

I wanted to be as strong

and as fast and as smart as Batman.

But you’re not who I thought you were.

Uh… What do you mean?

You can’t be a hero if you only care about yourself.

Barbara, I…

I think you’re underestimating

the importance of the Joker being in the Phantom Zone.

Really, it’s kind of a stroke of genius. All the…

Hey, where are you going?

I just put Joker in the one place he can’t do anyone any harm.

(SIGHS) Yeah.

But what if you just gave Joker exactly what he wanted?

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Whoa!

Look at this place! Am I being too loud?

(CRACKS KNUCKLES)

Hi!

Oh, my gosh!

(GASPING) Sorry. I always do that.

How about a warning next time?

You’re so right, and I am so wrong.

Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy.

Yeah, bad guy.

My name is Phyllis.

Oh, that was my grandma’s name.

Now hold still while I scan you.

(IMITATES BEEPING) Scanning for badness.

Trying to assess whether you are bad.

(JOKER IMITATING GUNS FIRING)

(JOKER LAUGHING)

Ugh! Your whole thing screams “bad guy.”

Oh, yeah. I’m a really bad person.

But with vulnerabilities.

Who, me? (CHUCKLING) No way.

So, where do you keep all the other bad people in this place?

They’re standing right behind you.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

Whoa!

Hi there, guys.

Lovely to meet you all. I’m the…

Oh, fist bump? There we… Handshake?

(LAUGHS) It doesn’t matter. I’m the Joker.

Take a look at the new guy.

Guess they’ll just let anybody in here.

Oh, no, no, no. I’m very bad, too.

They just showed a video montage…

Boring!

What?

You’re boring.

He looks delicious.

(GASPS)

Let’s eat this guy.

(GROWLING)

(JOKER STAMMERS)

Stop with the violence for just a second!

What if I told you I could get you outta here?

I’m sorry, what’d you just say?

That’s right. I’m so bad,

I got myself thrown into this heck-hole on purpose!

I’m listening.

Count me interested.

Look, everyone here knows

what it’s like to be hurt by a hero, don’t they?

We’ve all been taken for granted, right?

ALL: Yeah, bro. MEDUSA: I’m relating.

Well, that’s why I came to this space prison.

To recruit the universe’s greatest…

We’ll do it!

I’m sorry?

You were going to say something about

recruiting the universe’s greatest villains

to conquer a superhero.

Am I right?

Uh, yeah.

Well, we’re in!

ALL: Yay!

Really? Because I brought a PowerPoint…

Still boring!

Yeah. Just get on with it.

You want us to humiliate him?

I certainly do. Yes.

You want us to make him grovel at your feet?

I would like to see that very much!

(ECHOING) You want us to smite him?

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want us to make the rivers of Gotham City

run red with his blood?

Oh, that’s…

Oh, no blood? How do you feel about lava?

Yes! Lava.

Done.

ALL: Yay!

KING KONG: I can’t wait to crush buildings.

VELOCIRAPTOR: Excuse me. Hello?

Over here. I don’t want to be a downer,

but how exactly are we going to get outta this place?

Oh, leave that to me.

GUARD: Don’t wanna jinx us,

but I’ll be a lot happier when this Phantom Zone Projector

is locked up tight.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Going up, ma’am?

No. You’re going down!

(GUARDS GROANING)

Look out! Smash!

I guess you’re right. I am going up. Ding!

Here comes the…

Phantom Zone!

Huh?

(THUNDER CRASHING)

I’m gonna go start looting.

JOKER: Hello, Gotham City!

The Clown Prince of Crime

is back!

Commissioner Gordon, you gotta take a look at this.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

BARBARA: What’s that?

GUARD: A monkey and dog are friends.

(LAUGHS)

Not that. That!

And I’ve come to finally take over the city.

But in order to do that,

I need to break my friends out of a giant, scary prison.

Hey, guys, he means us!

PRISONERS: Yay!

And I ain’t talking about

those rogue losers dressed in cosplay!

PRISONERS: Oh!

Me-ouch.

I’m talking about my new peeps!

And they’re just like me.

The greatest villains you’ll ever see.

You wanna meet them?

No.

Too bad.

He’s evil, he’s magic,

and it’s about to get tragic.

It’s Voldemort.

Magic!

You are a fish.

You are a frog.

You are a fish frog.

JOKER: He’s a 9,000-year-old incarnation of evil,

with an eye forjewelry.

Give it up for Sauron!

SAURON: Good afternoon, Gotham City.

(ROARS)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

JOKER: He likes long, violent walks on historic buildings.

It’s King Kong!

Come at me, Gotham!

(SIREN WAILING)

Commissioner Gordon, these monsters, they’re too powerful.

Can you contain them to downtown?

That’s gonna be impossible.

Half the police force are fish!

Sergeant Jackson! Stop floppin’ around!

JOKER: And rounding out the evil all-stars,

Wicked Witch!

Medusa.

And British robots!

DALEKS: Exterminate!

JOKER: Ask your nerd friends.

Hello? Bad guys?

(MAN SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

What a crew, huh? And they all work for me!

Who’s the greatest villain of them all now, Batman?

Still not you.

Actually, this does look pretty terrifying, Bat-Dad.

(LAUGHING)

Whee!

Nice destruction all around.

Watch your step!

Good work, guys!

Now, all that’s left for me

is to rub it in Batman’s bat face.

Hey, Sauron, doesn’t your flaming eye

have a unique ability to peer through time and space?

Uh-huh.

Well, I need to find Batman.

Where’s homeboy’s man cave?

Hmm. Give me a second.

Scary noise.

It’s beneath Wayne Manor!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on a sec.

Are you trying to tell me

that Bruce Wayne is Batman…

…’s roommate?

Uh… Yeah.

Evil army, this way to the Batcave!

(VILLAINS GROWLING)

Good grief!

(ROARING)

(ROARS)

(WHOOPING)

Hey, Batman!

Joker’s home. (ECHOING)

(LAUGHS) I’m rubbing my butt all over your stuff.

We’re going to have to rename this the Butt-mobile.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, evil army.

I need Batman brought here.

Now go get him!

Joker out!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Uh…

Padre?

BATMAN: Yeah?

Do you ever get scared?

No.

Yeah, that’s what I figured, ’cause you’re Batman.

(ROBIN SNIFFLING)

Hey, kid. You know who does get scared?

ROBIN: Who?

Bruce Wayne.

Really?

Yeah.

Bruno told me once

that sometimes the only way to get out of a down moment

is to start boxing.

And by “boxing,” he meant

beatboxing.

Oh!

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SINGING) Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na…

(BEATBOXING)

Feel it, uh-huh

Dick Grayson on the mic, go

Oh. Um…

(BEATBOXING)

(BOTH BEATBOXING)

Oh, my gosh. This does make me feel better.

Okay. Shh. Batman solo.

(SINGING) Bat, bat, bat Can I get a bat?

Can I get a bat? Bat…

(DEVICE RINGING)

(GASPS) The Bat-Fax!

Ha! The city needs me. Bang, bang, bang!

Excuse me.

Can you get the commissioner and show her this?

Batman.

Would you stop doing that?

I sent the Bat-Fax.

(SIGHS) I hate to say this, but you’re right.

The city needs you.

Yes! Let me out.

I’m only going to let you out on one condition.

Name it.

You can’t do it by yourself.

(GROWLS)

Fine. Who am I working with?

SEAL Team Six? Fox Force Five? Suicide Squad?

No. Me.

Oh, I wanna help, too!

And I shall join as well.

Whoa!

Alfred Pennyworth at your service, ma’am.

How did you…

Alfred, you gotta let me out of here.

Sir, those creatures out there are unlike anything we’ve ever seen.

Speak for yourself. You don’t know everything I’ve seen.

I haven’t told you everything.

And you’ll never be able to defeat them alone.

And it’ll be more fun if we all do it together!

What’s the worst thing that could happen?

What are you so afraid of?

The thing I’m most afraid of?

I gotta be honest with you. It’s snake clowns.

Yeah, that’s not a thing.

Well then, nothing.

I’m not afraid of anything.

Okay.

(DOOR LOCK BEEPS)

Prove it.

Oh, I will.

Good.

Do you know what the B-A-T in Batman stands for?

Not really.

Best At Teamwork.

Best At Teamwork Man is my full name.

Yay! We’re going on a family trip.

This is not a family trip.

I can wear my costume, too.

Well, luckily for us, you left your costume back at the…

Rip!

Oh!

Nope. Under your clothes. That’s perfect.

Rip!

Alfred, what are you doing?

I miss the ’60s.

Hey, can Scarecrow help?

PRISONERS: Yeah!

He’s destroying our city, too!

Permit us to lend you assistance.

Yeah. Why don’t we use these guys?

What am I gonna do?

Get a bunch of criminals together to fight the criminals?

That’s a stupid idea.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Okay, guys. Game plan.

Joker’s taken the Projector

to Wayne Manor.

Wayne Manor.

Right. Thanks, Batman.

We need that Projector.

Projector.

Or there’s no way

to blast these monsters…

Monsters.

…back to the Phantom Zone.

Phantom Zone? Yep.

Batman, I really don’t need you to finish my…

Sand castles.

No.

Sister’s homework.

No.

Succulent something.

No.

Um… Everybody?

SAURON: Batman is in Arkham Asylum.

Get him!

Okay, everyone, grab on to me.

ALL: Whoa!

(ALL GRUNT)

We’ve gotta take cover!

Whoa!

Joker has eyes on us.

Where?

No! I mean, he literally has a giant eye on us.

I think that thing can see our every move!

Shaka-laka-Iako.

We’ve got to destroy it, or we’ll never make it to Wayne Manor.

Uh… Bat-Dad?

I really think you should see this.

KING KONG: Building survey!

This building’s not up to code!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ROARING)

(GRUNTS) Gotcha.

(ROBIN YELPS)

(ROARING)

Is that real lava?

I’m okay.

All right, yeah. It’s 100% lava.

(ALL YELP)

Everyone, start throwing me bricks.

Right away, sir.

I need a 4×6. Come on, quick.

Here you go.

I need an elbow.

Elbow.

Ow!

BATMAN: Whoo!

Yes! I did it. Pretty cool, huh?

BARBARA: (MUFFLED) Batman? BATMAN: Yeah?

Why did you build this thing with only one seat?

‘Cause last I checked, I only had one butt. What the…

What have you done to Wayne Manor?

JOKER: Hey, Batman, guess what!

I found out one of your secrets.

Uh-oh.

What do we have here, Batman?

It looks like a bunch of relationship comedies.

What’s that one? Must Love Dogs.

Must love crying.

Marley & Me.

I love the ending.

Oh! Serendipity?

We have Serendipity? I love that movie!

JOKER: For a loner, Batman,

you sure like movies about relationships!

Oh! And look what else I found!

All your wonderful toys.

Accio lightning storm!

Uh… Everyone, hold on.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(VILLAINS IMITATING GUNS FIRING)

JOKER: Gremlins, dismantle that plane now!

Ugly monsters on our three.

(ALL CHITTERING)

Uh… Padre?

Not now, kid.

Kind of got my hands full.

I’ve got good tone. Firing.

Uh… Batman?

What’s up, buddy?

ROBIN: Are we nearly at Wayne Manor?

BATMAN: Why?

Uh… Your number two needs to go number one.

I thought I told you to go back at the prison.

I tried, but Bane was in there.

So?

He had sort of a “get out of this bathroom now” vibe.

BATMAN: I knew I shouldn’t have given you that water.

Can you hold it in like a big boy?

BARBARA: Engine one down.

Not a big deal. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.

BARBARA: Engine two down.

It does that sometimes.

BARBARA: We’ve lost engine three.

Oh. Could live without it.

BARBARA: Engine four!

(ALL SCREAMING)

That I do need to fix.

Good news. Our bathroom problem is solved.

BATMAN: You three wait here while I go fix the engine.

Don’t worry, Batman. You fix the Batwing, I’ll fly.

All good, Babs. I’ve got my autopilot on it.

(HUMS) Done.

BARBARA: Autopilot? That’s just a rope!

Exactly. All right, guys. Until I get back, rope’s in charge.

Thanks, rope.

All right, let’s see. Yes, the piston brake out here.

Jet engine brake in here and…

Get out of here. No. Give me… No! Stop it!

Come on, Master Dick. We need to help him.

I’m with you, Grandpa!

Get off my Padre!

ALFRED: Unhand him, you animatronic fiends.

What are you two doing here? I told you to stay in the cockpit.

You disobeyed me. You’re on a timeout.

Batman, you’re on a timeout.

What? Alfred, you better un-timeout me right now!

No. Not until you un-timeout Master Dick.

(GASPS)

Guys, you’re all un-timeouted!

We have incoming!

Sir! Watch out for those…

What are you doing?

(SCREAMING)

(ALFRED AND ROBIN SCREAMING)

Okay. Everybody, timeout off.

Whoo-hoo! I’ve been parented.

Batman, I can help you.

No. Protect the rope.

The rope is fine!

Save Master Dick!

I’m fine. I’ll just do one of my gymnastics moves to…

(YELPS)

No!

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Dick…

(SCREAMING)

Gotcha!

Hold on, Alfred. I’m almost there!

No!

(GASPS)

Alfred!

(GASPS)

No.

No!

Move over, rope.

(GRUNTS)

Hold on!

(SCREAMING)

(BARBARA YELLING)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(ALFRED SCREAMS)

Gotcha!

Barbara, did you see that?

Batrope saved Alfred.

Sick moves, rope. I never doubted you, bro.

PUTER: Actually, sir, Ms. Gordon saved him.

Rope! You lied to me!

Wait a minute. You mean, without you,

Alfred would have been

street meat?

Batman, trust us.

We can do this.

Yeah. I know Gymkata.

Sorry, what’s that?

It’s a gymnastics-based martial art.

I can punch those ’80s monsters off the plane.

Uh… Okay.

PUTER: Multiple bogeys on our six.

Sir, I’ll get them off our back.

I was a tail gunner for the Royal Air Force.

Locked and loaded, sir!

Good. Love that!

I got an idea. We’re gonna change course.

I want you to fly straight into that flaming eyeball.

What?

Barbara, trust me.

All right. Let’s do this.

(VILLAINS IMITATING GUNS FIRING)

(ROARS)

BATMAN: We got a giant sea monster, 12 o’clock!

BARBARA: Got it.

We’ve got his attention.

He’s tracking us.

(ROARS)

(LAUGHING) I’ve got you now.

Eat dirt!

Bob’s your uncle, you ruddy duff cobblers!

Okay, Babs, this is it.

Fly us straight into that eye, and wait for my signal.

Can it come now?

Can we make the signal thing happen?

Almost there.

Almost there!

Fire!

BATMAN: Almost there!

ROBIN: That fire’s coming in hot!

Hot, hot, hot!

Now! Barbara, dive bomb!

(SAURON SCREAMS)

SAURON: My eye!

(ALL GASP)

JOKER: Sauron!

(GASPS)

(WHISTLING)

Nothing to see.

(ALL GROANING)

Whoo-hoo!

Yes! That was so rad!

We did it, everyone!

That was so great! Go team!

Come on, let’s hear it for us!

That was incredible!

(WHOOPING)

I felt so jazzed!

I say “jazzed”!

I gotta give it to you, Batman. That was awesome.

Ha! And you were awesome.

Thanks.

And you were awesome.

I love compliments!

And you were awesome, and I was amazing.

I’m not trying to make it about myself, obviously.

But I just wanna make sure that everyone gets a pat on the back.

Because it feels good.

It does feel good.

You had a good idea, you had a good idea,

and you had a good idea, and I had a great idea.

You know what, I think that collectively, I’m gonna add…

…one.

(BEEPS)

No way!

Yes!

Man, that feels good.

Best team ever!

(LAUGHS)

Let’s take a photo! All right, everyone, squeeze together.

BATMAN: Hang on a second.

Nice and close!

I gotta get my pump on.

It’s worth it.

Okay, everybody in?

BATMAN: These abs are no fluke.

Everyone say, “Bat Family!”

ALL: Bat Family!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Ooh, let’s take a look!

BARBARA: Look at that!

Splendid.

Wow.

Didn’t it turn out great?

Hey, guys! It’s my first family photo!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Hey, Bat-Dad.

Oh!

Whoa. What are you doing?

I’m trying to give you a big, old H-U-G.

Okay, just…

Batman, are you okay?

(STAMMERS) Yeah, I’m fine.

We are just one big happy

fraternity of people who did an awesome job together.

I can’t think of any other way to put that.

Cool.

So, guys, listen up!

Taking the Projector from the Joker

is gonna be our most dangerous mission yet.

A family battle mission!

Right.

Salvage what you can out of the Scuttler, and maybe root around,

see if you can find a few Vitamin waters or something,

and then we’ll head out.

Right away, sir.

Anything for you, Padre.

I think I’ll need snowshoes.

Yeah, I don’t think you’ll need snowshoes, but could you grab that flashlight?

Batman? Padre?

Sir?

What are you doing? Hey, Batman.

Please, wait!

BATMAN: ‘Puter.

PUTER: Yes, sir?

I’m locking in some coordinates now.

(IMITATES BEEPING)

Take the Scuttler to the taco stand

on the border of Gotham City and Blüdhaven.

ALL: No!

I want you to get these guys a couple of chimichangas

and three Jarritos.

Sir!

And then keep them there until this whole attack on Gotham City blows over.

Padre, please. Don’t do this!

Batman, you need us!

How many times I gotta tell you?

Batman works alone.

No, we have to stick together.

Please.

Now go on, Scuttler. Go!

Go! Just get outta here.

ALFRED: Batman.

ROBIN: Padre!

Get moving!

ROBIN: Please!

(SHOOING)

Just go.

BARBARA: Batman! Please, wait!

Scuttler, move out!

BARBARA: You’re doing the wrong thing!

Listen to me! Don’t do this!

ALFRED: Sir, please. Sir!

ROBIN: No!

AGENT SMITH: Scanning for intruders. Scanning for intruders.

Scanning for intruders.

JOKER: Hi, Bats.

What have you done to my…

Bruce Wayne’s house?

You’d better hope he’s a cool guy and doesn’t go crazy.

What happened to all your friends?

I don’t need friends. I don’t need anyone to stop you.

(YELLS)

JOKER: Are you sure about that?

Look in the mirror, Batman. (GRUNTS)

When I saw you working with your friend-family,

I actually thought you’d changed.

But, no.

You pushed them away.

(GRUNTING)

You’ve run away from every other person in your life.

But I’m the one you’re always chasing.

Is this about that stupid “greatest enemy” thing?

No, it’s not.

Not anymore.

VELOCIRAPTOR: You tell him, Joker!

JAWS: It’s time for a fresh start.

DALEKS: He’s not worth it.

I think after 78 years, I deserve respect!

That is right. Respect!

Do you realize that you have never once

said the words,

“I hate you, Joker”?

Not once.

Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now.

That’s for darn sure.

Annoyed is not the same thing!

Listen, Batman.

I…

hate you.

ALL: Aww!

That’s nice.

Now you say it.

Me, too.

(ALL JEERING)

You won’t. You won’t change.

‘Cause you can’t. You won’t, and you can’t.

JAWS: Batman will never change.

You know what, boo-boo? Just shut it down.

These diseased lunatics are right.

Yes, we are!

I am not gonna be part

of a one-sided relationship any longer!

HARLEY QUINN: Yes!

What are you talking about?

You and I are done!

What is wrong with you?

I’m moving on!

That’s ridiculous.

And on my way out,

I’m gonna blow up Gotham City!

No. You’re not serious.

Wingardium Leviosa!

No!

You know what? For once, Batman, you’re right.

I’m not your greatest enemy.

Your greatest enemy

is you.

Goodbye, Batman.

Wait a minute. Hold on a second. (GROANS)

HARLEY QUINN: Good for you, boo-boo!

ALL: Yay!

Everybody, get a bomb. Let’s go.

Bomb, bomb, bomb. Let’s bomb it out.

ALL: Yay!

(ALL WHOOPING)

KING KONG: Say goodbye, Gotham City!

Whoa. Hi!

(GASPS) Whoa!

Oh, I am so sorry.

It was all my fault, I keep doing that.

Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy.

(GASPS) What are you talking about?

I’m not a bad guy.

But you’re all in black. You have a cape.

And you wear a big, scary mask.

Well, I’m not.

And you kicked me in the face.

Listen, I’m Batman.

Oof! You even sound like a bad guy.

I swear, I am a good guy.

Okay, Mr. Batman.

Hold still while I scan you.

(MIMICS BEEPING) Scanning for badness.

Yes, sir?

You’re super nimble, right?

I sure am!

And 110% expendable?

I don’t know what that means, but okay.

How’d I do, Dad?

Mediocre.

Yes!

And don’t call me Dad.

Sorry.

BATMAN: Alfred, put that kid on the next jet to the orphanage.

But doesn’t he deserve a chance for someone to take him under their wing,

as I took you under mine?

Listen, you don’t have a family.

So what do you know about having a surrogate son?

BARBARA: Batman!

We have to stick together.

Please.

BATMAN: Joker, you mean nothing to me.

No one does.

Huh. You’re not a traditional bad guy.

But you’re not exactly a good guy, either.

BARBARA: Batman? ROBIN: Padre?

PHYLLIS: You even abandoned your friends.

What?

Go on, Scuttler. Go.

Batman, no. No!

Don’t do this!

Abandoned? No.

No, I was trying to protect them.

PHYLLIS: By pushing them away?

Well, yeah.

Are they really the ones you’re protecting?

BARBARA: Computer, Batman’s in danger.

ROBIN: Please, Computer, take us back!

Do you really want the man who made you to come to harm?

PUTER: Batman programmed me to obey him.

But he didn’t say to not not rescue him.

What are they doing?

Come on, guys. Let’s hustle.

Gotham City’s not gonna blow itself up.

Well, hello!

‘Puter, go to super-secret stealth mode.

(ROARS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Hold on!

No!

Evil buddies, those are my last three painful reminders of Batman.

Run!

Come on, Alfred. This way.

Wait, where’s Dick?

The little guy? He’s over there.

PUTER: Initializing Batcave operating system.

What’s he doing?

I’ve gotta save my family!

Just think.

What would Batman do?

What?

I know. Not listen to anyone else. Be mean to people.

Destroy as much property as possible.

Talk in a really low, gravelly voice.

And go it alone.

Kid, don’t do that.

PUTER: Atomic batteries to power.

Turbines to speed.

Don’t do what I would do!

I never even taught you how to drive!

Hold on a second, Brick Lady.

(STAMMERING) I’m so sorry. I need to get down there and stop this.

I can’t let you go. My boss will be really mad at me.

Yeah. But I bet your boss would be happy

if you were able to get all those bad guys back in here.

Hmm. She sure would.

Then let me try. Let me get down there and help them.

But haven’t you tried that before?

BARBARA: This way, Alfred.

You do the same thing over and over.

(SCREAMING) (ROARING)

What’s gonna change?

No!

I know what I need to do.

Just give me 24 hours, and I’ll come back.

Whoa!

You’ve gotta let me go down there and save them.

I’ll do whatever you want.

(GRUNTING)

Please.

DALEKS: Exterminate!

Please.

Okay, but I need all the bad guys locked up in here.

I promise.

And I mean all of them.

One of these buttons has to save my friends.

PUTER: Self-destruct mode activated.

Self what?

(ROBIN SCREAMING)

Master Dick!

No!

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(ROARING)

Dick!

(SCREAMING)

Look who’s bat!

ROBIN: What?

(ALL GRUNTING)

Everyone okay? Dick, Alfred, Barbara.

Are you guys…

We’re fine, Batman.

Listen, I just wanted to say

that I’m really,

really, really,

really, really, really,

really, really…

s-s-s…

(CLEARS THROAT)

Soooo…

Sorry?

Yeah. Whoo! I did it!

(SIGHS)

I don’t even know why you bothered coming back.

BATMAN: I was

afraid.

What?

The reason I came back

was the same reason I left you.

I was afraid

of feeling

the pain you feel

when you lose

someone close to you.

Gotham needs us.

So I came back to do this.

Flip.

Flip? What is that? I don’t…

You gotta turn around.

I call it the Babs-Signal.

And I’m flipping the switch for you.

Because saving this city is too big a job for one person.

Flip, flip.

So, what do you say, Commish?

Will you work with me?

I need your help.

I thought you’d never ask.

I’m very, very proud of you, sir.

But there’s still only four of us against Joker’s entire army.

That’s why I called in some backup.

Flip! Flip! Flip! Flip!

Whoa!

CLAYFACE: We saw your signal,

and we came to help.

Joker may be done with us, but we’re not done with him.

We will be the Joker’s reckoning.

Joker said mean stuff to us.

You were right, Barbara.

It takes a village. Not a Batman.

(ALL CHEER)

Okay. Everybody, listen up.

These monsters want to destroy Gotham City.

BATMAN: That’s right. We need sick new vehicles.

BARBARA: An arsenal of advanced weaponry.

Costumes that suit our individual personalities.

Rip!

And code names to use on our walkie-talkies.

Call it out!

Your name is Lady Bat.

Lady Bat?

BATMAN: Bat Lady.

Veto! Nope. What?

BATMAN: El Batarina. Soccer Mom… Bat?

How about a cool costume?

Nice!

That one’s called Batgirl.

If you call me Batgirl, can I call you Batboy?

And lastly, a coordinated attack strategy,

and a kick-butt theme song!

Robin?

(GASPS) My superhero code name.

Oh, yeah. Hit it!

Got it!

(’80S POP SONG PLAYING)

No!

(OTHER ’80S POP SONG PLAYING)

(GROANS)

(ROBIN SONG PLAYING)

Absolutely not.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROWLING)

This music is filling me with rage.

Let’s use it!

All right, team. I’m going to need to know your special powers.

I’m a giant clay person!

I’m irritating.

I have a sack for a face.

I make unpredictable decisions.

I raise the stakes!

I can squirt ketchup!

Nice! Orca.

I’m a whale!

Oh, we got this covered!

Go team!

(ALL WHOOPING)

Whale, yeah!

(POP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Shh. Quiet.

Who’s laying down those funky beats?

ALL: We are! CATWOMAN: Meow, meow!

Batman?

Evil army, get rid of them!

Team Gotham Family,

activate!

Voldy’s got this.

VILLAINS: Here we go!

Yeah!

VOLDEMORT: Bombarda!

Smash! Smash! Smash!

Whoa.

Batman, take out Joker’s bomb.

I’ll get that Projector!

BATMAN: 10-4, Co-Go.

Freeze, Clayface, take this guy out!

Coming through!

(YELLS)

Okay, Alfred, bring the pain.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Bringing it, sir. For Queen and country!

(LAUGHS)

You just got Union Jacked!

Robin, get ready.

I’m about to teach you some father-and-son stuff.

First, driving.

Put your hands at 10 and 2.

Okay.

Now, fly! Turn left!

Run over these skeletons.

Now drive up the wall!

Great driving.

Thanks, Padre.

Yeah!

Okay, Robin.

Together, we’re gonna punch these guys so hard,

words describing the impact

are gonna spontaneously materialize out of thin air.

Yeah!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

High five!

Stop moving around, you Muggles.

All right, team, let’s shut him down.

Orca! You’re up, baby!

(ORCA YELLS)

You wanna see a magic trick?

I’m gonna make you disappear.

Wingardium Levio…

Me-yoink!

Wingardium Levio… Shut up!

No!

Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy!

Fudgecake!

BARBARA: Whoo! Here we go, Bat Team!

Batman, think fast!

Welcome to the Phantom Zone, bad guy!

Robin, go long.

Nice grab.

Yeah!

PHYLLIS: Oh, my gosh. Yes!

Here you go, Grandpa.

Hey, Batman!

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTING)

Get off my padre!

It wasn’t useless after all.

End this, Batgirl!

Adiós, shark.

Okay, BRB, guys. I’m gonna go defuse that…

This is the end of Gotham City!

As I predicted, we’re doomed!

We’re not doomed. I got this.

Everyone, grab on to me.

Gotcha.

Come on, guys. We need to hold this city together.

Batrope, no!

Everybody, run!

No! We have to stick together.

Right, Batman?

We need to use our heads!

Maybe we should build something together.

ALFRED: Heads. BARBARA: Stick together.

ROBIN: Build something. BARBARA: Together.

(ECHOING) Build.

Together. Together.

ROBIN: We should build something together.

I got it.

You’re right, Babs. We need to stick together.

Literally.

Robin, quick. Give me a boost.

On it, Padre.

We’re gonna stick together, using our heads,

and the most powerful weapon of all.

Shredded abs. Let’s do this.

CATWOMAN: Meow, meow. ALL: Yeah, let’s do this.

Ready?

Here we go.

You got this, Alfred?

Yes, sir. Abs of steel.

Great! Now you bend,

and I’ll grab the other side!

No!

MAN: Batman, what’s going on? ROBIN: Are you okay?

CLAYFACE: I’ve got you.

(STRAINING)

Joker!

Please, help us!

No! I’m not gonna help you.

At least if this city is destroyed, I’ll die knowing

I’m your greatest enemy!

I’m gonna have to die to know it.

Shut up, Joker! If there’s no Gotham,

then I’ll never get to fight you again.

What?

You’re the reason why I get up at 4:00 in the afternoon

and pump iron until my chest is positively sick.

You’re the reason I’ve given up

a life spent with Russian ballerinas and lady activewear models.

And if it wasn’t for you,

I never would have learned how connected I am with all these people.

And you.

So if you help me save Gotham,

you’ll help me save us.

You just said “us.”

Yeah. Batman and the Joker.

What do you say?

You had me at shut up.

How are your abs, bro?

Too much flab, not enough ab. (CHUCKLES) Why?

Because I need you to crunch them.

Citizens of Gotham,

we need all of you to join us and help bring this city back together.

(STRAINING)

(ALL STRAINING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

I’m just gonna come right out and say it.

I hate you, Joker.

(GASPS)

I hate you, too.

I hate you more.

I hate you the most.

I hate you forever.

Splendid!

We did it, everyone!

BANE: Bane is feeling warm and fuzzy.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

ROBIN: Padre, where are you going?

I made a promise.

I gotta go back to the Phantom Zone.

Sorry, kid.

Padre, please.

Don’t call me Padre.

Okay.

Call me…

Dads.

(GASPS) My two dads are the same dad.

But they’re both leaving.

It’s gonna be okay, kid.

Sometimes, losing people is part of life.

But that doesn’t mean you stop letting them in.

Some very wise people taught me that.

My father figure.

My platonic coworker buddy, who’s a girl, but just a friend.

And you.

Mi hijo.

It’s Spanish for “son.”

This is my family, but it’s your family, too.

(SNIFFLES)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(THUDS)

(GRUNTS)

Do you have a knife?

Why?

‘Cause someone needs to cut the tension between the two of us immediately.

(GROANS)

Okay. I deserved that.

PHYLLIS: Hi.

Wait a minute.

What’s going on?

I came back, just like I said I would.

You know, Mr. Batman, (SIGHS) when you’re a talking brick, working at the Phantom Zone, you see a lot of crazy things.

But I’ve finally seen a man, in order to make the world a better place, take a look at himself and make a change.

Who?

Superman.

What?

I’m kidding. It’s you.

(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHS)

Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you on the streets, Batman.

I guess so. Catch you later, Joker.

Let’s go, gang.

(CHUCKLES) Wait a minute,

we’re not just gonna let these criminals go, right?

Ah, come on, Commish. Let’s face it.

Those guys are no match for the four of us.

We’ll give them a 30-minute head start.

Besides, you can’t fight crime on an empty stomach.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Computer?

ALL: We’re home!

(ECHOING)

PUTER: What is the password?

ALL: Iron Man sucks!

(LAUGHING)

When Dad and me were fighting, I was giving them my best one-liners.

You

complete me.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Holy family photo, Batman. I love it!

BATMAN: White.

All important movies end with a white screen.

And tying up loose ends.

We’re coming for you, Gotham City!

BATMAN: Like this snake clowns bit.

BARBARA: Snake clowns?

BATMAN: Told you they were real.

BARBARA: Did you stick wigs onto snakes?

BATMAN: Maybe.

BARBARA: That is so weird.

ROBIN: Can I play that song I wrote for the end credits?

BATMAN: That is a hard pass.

ROBIN: Come on.

BATMAN: No!

BARBARA: Let the kid play whatever music he wants.

BATMAN: No, no, no!

ROBIN: Please?

BATMAN: No.

ROBIN: Padre?

BATMAN: (SIGHS) Fine. ‘Puter.

(BEEPS)

PUTER: Okay, sir.

ROBIN: Yay!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

PUTER: Now playing Robin’s happy, poppy music.

The kind that makes parents and studio executives happy.

(GROANS)

Come on, everyone!

Come on, Batman!

No!

(PLAYING GUITAR SOLO)

BATMAN: (LAUGHING) Wow, that was fun!

Really hope nobody was recording that.

Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.

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