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Candy Cane Lane (2023) | Transcript

A man is determined to win the neighborhood's annual Christmas decorating contest. He makes a pact with an elf to help him win--and the elf casts a spell that brings the 12 days of Christmas to life, which brings unexpected chaos to town.
Candy Cane Lane (2023)

Candy Cane Lane is a 2023 Christmas comedy film directed by Reginald Hudlin and written by Kelly Younger. It was released on December 1, 2023 by Amazon MGM Studios on their streaming service Prime Video.

Plot: Chris, a resident of the festive town of Icicle Falls, is determined to win the annual neighborhood Christmas home decoration contest. In his pursuit of victory, he stumbles upon a mysterious Christmas shop where he purchases a magical tree. The tree’s layers come to life, bringing festive scenes to life, but the magic soon turns into mischief as the characters wreak havoc on the town. Chris must find a way to control the tree’s magic and restore order before Christmas is ruined.

Cast: Eddie Murphy as Chris, Josh Gad as Elf, Kimberly Williams-Paisley as Holly, Tracee Ellis Ross as Aunt Pearl, Lil Rel Howery as Officer Johnson, Ken Jeong as Mr. Chan, Anna Kendrick as Narrator

Audience: Candy Cane Lane is a family-friendly Christmas comedy, with a PG rating from the MPAA. This means that it is generally suitable for all ages, but may contain some mild language and thematic elements that parents may want to be aware of. The film’s humor is generally lighthearted and slapstick, and there is no violence or other potentially disturbing content. The main characters are all positive role models, and the film promotes messages of love, family, and community. Overall, Candy Cane Lane is a safe and enjoyable choice for families to watch together during the holidays.

Availability: Candy Cane Lane is available to stream on Prime Video.

* * *

(“Merry Christmas Baby” by Chlöe playing)

♪ Merry Christmas, baby ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, baby ♪

♪ Sure did treat me nice ♪

(whooping)

♪ Santa came down the chimney ♪

♪ Half past 3:00, y’all ♪

♪ Left all them good ol’ presents ♪

♪ For my baby and for me, ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, baby ♪

♪ Sure did treat me nice ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ You bought all those good ol’ presents ♪

♪ I love you, baby, for the rest of my life ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, baby ♪

♪ Sure did treat me nice ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

(song fades)

(air hissing)

BRUCE: Ah! And God said, “Let there be Santa.”

(chuckles): Holy cow. Wow.

You sure got a thing for candy canes, don’t you, Chris?

Yeah.

And you sure got a thing for big blow-up dolls, don’t you, Bruce?

Yeah, I love those blow-up dolls.

Oh. Okay. No.

(laughs): I see what you did there.

Did you blow all those up?

We’re, uh, we’re a family that blows.

And I see you’re, uh, still carving your wood… little hobby.

Yeah. All hand-carved.

Yeah, it’s cute.

(chuckles): It’s not first-place cute, but it’s cute.

I don’t know how a blow-up doll could, you know, compare with this handcraftsmanship.

(laughs) Not interested.

Well, we’ll see. We’ll see, Bruce.

We w… We will see.

We will see. We will see.

We will see.

Do I want an invisibility cloak or flying shoes?

If an elf can make it, you can wish for it, okay?

Santa’s elves can make anything.

They can make anything. Now finish that letter.

Come on. We got to send it all the way to the North Pole.

How much more inflatable crap is Bruce gonna put on that roof?

Oh, Bruce. Babe, thank you for reminding me.

Please don’t forget to buy a nice bottle of red for us to go over there tonight.

I’m not getting a good bottle for the competition.

They’re not the competition. They’re our neighbors.

(sighs) Dad, where are my cleats?

Your cleats are right here.

You know, Joy, I was wondering: Since you’re having such a hard time keeping track of things while you’re at home, what’s gonna happen when you go off to college…

Notre Dame?

How’d this get in the house?

Dad, I… I know that you guys met at USC, but I don’t want to go there.

What?! Huh?!

(gasps dramatically)

Excuse me.

USC is in your blood.

Fight on. Fight on!

Listen, sweetheart, I-I would be happy to call my old softball coach.

No, Mom, I… (stammers)

I’m-I’m shattered that you don’t want to go to USC.

Wow. Joy.

USC. Fight on.

Fight on, honey. Fight on.

Only a half hour away.

You could spend so much time with Dad.

(chuckles) That’s right.

It’s only 20 minutes with no traffic.

You could eat dinner with your family every night.

Yeah.

Nick, um, how did that math test go?

Oh, you had a math test? What’d you get?

I don’t let grades define me, Dad.

All right, that does not sound good.

Yeah, that don’t sound good at all.

Look, Nick, if you want to win in life, you have to learn to focus on what’s important. (mouthing)

Well, my music is important.

Math is required. Music is elective.

Okay, but, sweetie, the-the music makes him happy.

Yeah, but he ain’t gonna make no money making music.

Well, I mean, there’s a lot of music people that make money, Chris.

CHRIS: Not playing the tuba.

Name one tuba player that’s living his life like it’s golden.

Oh. Just one.

Have you ever heard somebody in the band say, “And on tuba is,” and they introduce him?

CAROL: Hey, hon, I think you should focus on the math.

CHRIS: You should focus on the math.

No one ever blew up on the tuba.

(“This Christmas” by Donny Hathaway playing)

(singing along to radio): ♪ Hang all the mistletoe ♪

♪ I’m gonna get to know you better ♪

♪ This Christmas ♪

♪ And as we trim the tree ♪

♪ How much fun it’s gonna be together ♪

♪ This Christmas ♪

♪ The fireside is blazing bright ♪

♪ We’re caroling through the night… ♪

Hey, good morning, Pam.

(crying): Good morning.

What’s the matter with you? (sobs)

(sobbing): Merry Christmas.

TRE: But, hey, good news.

Our outplacement officers will gladly assist you in obtaining the strongest references.

Lee, nobody can talk to the vendors like I can.

Nobody has my relationships, my history and my Rolodex.

Rolodex, huh?

Classic O.G.

I love it.

You’re really gonna do this right before Christmas?

It’s just business.

Listen, we know it’s the holidays.

(mouthing) We want to give you something to say thank you for your service.

Hey, don’t nobody want your fleece.

Hey, you know what? I’m-a take this fleece.

You know what I’m gonna do?

I’m gonna regift it, show you how much contempt I have for your holiday fleece.

There for you.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas, brother.

Merry Christmas.

Uh, who’s next?

CAROL: So I stopped the bleeding on the night sort by 14%.

Great job as always, Carol. Right?

The regionals are gonna be impressed by all this.

So, do you think that they will consider me for the director of operations position?

I feel like when the regionals come, they’ll see how we are the… that we’re the best distribution center in the west.

(both laugh)

Because of me and-and because of you. Because of you.

And be… well, because of… Mostly because of me, so… can I count on your support?

If everything goes perfectly.

Yes! Thank you. You got it.

Good work. Thank you so much.

Thanks. Yes!

(phone vibrates)

Hello, Mrs. Carver.

CAROL: You are never gonna believe what just happened.

Yeah, you know, I was gonna say the same thing to you.

I did it. I-I got, I got Donald’s support.

Oh, that’s great, babe.

They’d be crazy not to promote you.

Chris, this is gonna be, like, an increase in pay and-and more vacation time.

Hey, listen, um… something funny happened here today, too. Oh, hang on. Hang on a…

There’s a backup in the sort. (alarm buzzing)

I’m gonna call you back. Hey, Carol, listen…

I’ll call you later. Okay, bye.

(line beeping) (knock on glass)

Yoo-hoo. Hi.

I’m Kimmer, your outplacement officer.

I’m here to assist in your transition.

You’re my what, now? Outplacement officer.

An outplacement officer? Yes, you’re being outplaced.

Ah, yes, I-I know.

I knew I was being outplaced,

but I didn’t know that there was an actual, uh, officer that assisted you.

Yes, I’m here to help. How are you feeling today?

Well, you know, I got that… got that, uh, outplaced feeling.

So is this what you do?

You help the fired people leave their jobs?

RFPs. Oh, R…

“Recently fired persons.” Oh, wow. Thank you, Kimmer.

And out we go. Oh. (chuckling)

(car alarm honks)

♪ ♪

(“The Christmas Song” by Nat King Cole playing)

♪ Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ♪

♪ Jack Frost nipping at your nose… ♪

CAROL: Hey, there you are.

You ready? (sighs): Yeah.

Hey, Carol. Huh?

There’s something I… I…

Where’s the red wine?

Ah, damn it.

Oh, Chris, come on.

I really don’t want to drink that box wine.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry, honey.

You look pretty, Mom. Aw, thank you, sweetie.

Hey, can you tell Joy and Nick that we’re across the street?

Yeah.

And the pizza’s on its way, okay? Okay.

You ready? Yeah, I’m ready.

(chuckles)

Okay, I think we should try pickleball.

Seriously, everybody’s doing it. Scott and Shelly are doing it.

And I think that we should get those matching headbands and, um, shorts.

You look so good in those shorts.

And that way, we could do stuff together.

It’ll be like we used to do. You know how we used to do that?

We would dress up and we would go out and do, like, an activity.

Hey, Carol. Hey. Yes, my darling?

Yes?

I got laid off.

Wait, what?

I got laid off.

Lee sold the company, and they cut the sales division in half, and I was in the wrong half.

Oh, my God. Wait, when did this happen?

This morning.

I didn’t want to say anything about it ’cause you were so excited talking about Donald and the promotion.

(sighs) I just didn’t want to ruin it, so…

Are you okay? No, I’m not okay.

I’m screwed.

No, you’re not screwed. You’re not screwed.

We’ll… we’ll figure this out.

We will. -Listen, the kids can’t find out about this, okay?

What are you talking about? They love you.

They do, and they should know what’s going on.

No, I just don’t want to ruin the last Christmas.

“Last Christmas”? What are you talking about?

Joy is moving out. Uh-huh.

Nick is not that far behind, and…

Oh, my God, my little baby girl is almost old enough to realize what’s going on.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You got thrown a curveball, all right, but this is not our last Christmas.

Okay?

It’s okay. We’re gonna figure it out.

Are we? Yes, we are. We’re gonna figure it out.

All right. BRUCE (pirate accent): Ahoy, neighbors!

(laughs): Permission to come aboard!

I got the good stuff!

BRUCE: Yeah, join us for a box of grog!

He means wine!

We’ll be right over!

Give us two secs!

(normal voice): There’s a box of wine, though.

CAROL: Yeah. (laughs)

Do you want to skip this?

We can skip it. No, you heard him.

He got the good stuff. Let’s go. All right.

CHRIS: Could do with a glass of the good stuff.

I’ll drink the box myself. (laughs)

Maybe I’ll feel better.

CAROL: I’ll give you some good stuff later.

CHRIS: Oh, okay, I’m-a hold you to that. (laughs): Okay.

(“We Wish You a Merry Christmas” playing)

(lively chatter)

Aidan’s school called.

Apparently, compared to the other kids in his class, he is testing off the charts in math. (laughs)

You know, I saw an article online recently that said a lot of sociopaths were math prodigies.

But not Aidan.

Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m so excited Candy Cane Lane is here.

Yeah. The lights, the decorations, the goodwill between neighbors.

I hear the competition is different this year.

MAN: Hurry up, guys. It’s about to start.

(fanfare plays) ANNOUNCER: This is Prism 1.

Seeing the world through your eyes.

Hi. I’m Emerson Turner.

And I’m (clicks tongue) Kit Kleiman.

Oh, that’s-that’s new.

And we’re hosting the Candy Cane Lane Spectacular live from beautiful El Segundo.

Only on Prism Cable.

EMERSON: Not only will there be music, merrymaking…

And lights!

But there will be high stakes as well, as the neighbors compete for best decorated house, and because of our sponsors…

Wait, sponsor? We’ve never had a sponsor. What?

$100,000. (cash register dings)

(crowd gasping, murmuring) SUZ: I’m sorry, what?

(laughter) Shut up!

Oh, my…

$100,000?

Join us all week as we cover the festivities, starting with our Santa’s house lighting parade.

And ending with our spectacular finale on Christmas Eve.

(squealing) Christmas Eve!

EMERSON: Christmas Eve is only three days away, so let the competition begin.

Ho ho ho. (laughs)

(fanfare plays) (excited murmuring)

(laughs)

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Yeah.

(yawns) This was so fun.

I’m tired. Thank you so much.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (lively chatter)

It was so nice. It was so nice.

It was so ni… thank… okay, we’re…

Thank you so much. Yes, have a good night.

We got to get Aidan… The wine was amazing.

Of course, we got to get Aidan to sleep. Good night, everybody!

(birds chirping)

(knock on door)

I need your brackets to mount a reindeer.

What?

(whirring)

Dad!

(hip-hop beat playing)

Dad, are you, are you serious?

Thank you, son.

♪ ♪

I’ve got a supplier.

I can hook you up with more if you need it.

That’s my girl.

CAROL: Uh, what is all this?

What is this? What do you mean, what is all that?

You said to get a plan, so I got a plan.

Ugh. Okay.

Hey, look, I know it looks like a lot, but I got to do something spectacular, something they’ve never seen before.

Okay, well… (groans) This’ll be…

I was talking about a plan for after Christmas.

Mm. Yes, like (quietly): maybe update your LinkedIn, telling your vendors, letting people know you’re back on the market.

You know, we good, we good.

You know why? Why?

‘Cause I’m gonna win Candy Cane Lane.

Oh, my love, I know that this is something that’s so important to you, but I think that you need to consider the idea that you might not win.

Oh, well, I also might not not win.

Okay, you know what? Let’s go, guys. Come on. Let’s go.

Let’s go to school. Oh. Yes. Get the show on the road.

Hey, can you bring Holly to school today?

I don’t know if I can do that because I got a lot of stuff to do today.

I’m really busy. I got to get a thousand icicles.

God, okay, well, I got to go to work. Okay, touché.

Touché. Okay, you’re going to work.

Uh-huh. You got it? Okay. I will handle it.

Thank you. Thank you, my love.

All right, I love you. Love you, too.

Bye-bye! (door closes)

Yeah, I’m not going to school, am I?

Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you’re not.

(“Jingle Bells” playing) (people clamoring)

(“Silent Night” playing)

(soft pop music playing)

Already?

You got to be freaking kidding me.

But our decorations are handmade.

They’ll see how hard you worked.

That’s better than buying stuff.

Hard work? Nobody cares anymore.

And crap beats quality every time.

Hard work.

I’m sorry, you’re old enough to know the truth.

Whenever somebody says to you, “It’s just business,” then you’re the one getting f…

Fleeced. Fleeced.

“Fleeced”?

Fleeced, yes.

Yeah, fleeced. You’re the one getting fleeced.

I got fleeced yesterday.

And I did not like it.

Who cares about craftsmanship or relationships?

You spent your whole career developing.

Toss you out like cheap plastic… Dad. Stop!

(lights buzzing softly)

♪ ♪

(bells jingling) (door creaking)

CHRIS: Holly, look at this.

HOLLY: Wow.

♪ ♪

(soft mechanical whirring and buzzing)

♪ ♪

CHRIS: This is unbelievable.

Wow. This is amazing.

Look at this detail here.

I know. Look at this thing. It looks like…

Merry Christmas! Oh, sh… Hey.

Oh, I’m so sorry. (chuckles)

I didn’t mean to scare you.

(laughs)

Who am I kidding? Of course I did.

What’s Christmas without a little terror?

(laughs) I’m Pepper.

Hey, Pepper.

Uh, hey, h-how long has this place been here?

Oh, well, we’re what the kids call a pop-up.

You know, here today, gone tomorrow. Pop.

Very Instagrammable. Go on, take an elfie.

Oh.

Sorry, sugarplum.

Please, please be careful with that.

That’s very precious to me.

HOLLY: They look so real.

Don’t they?

Each one has their own story.

So what’s yours?

Indoor, outdoor? Flashy, classy?

Mistletoe, mistle-no?

We are looking to kick some ass. Ah-ah.

(chuckles) That’s not what she meant to say, Holly.

Oh, children always say what they mean.

It’s adults you can’t trust.

See, I like her.

CHRIS: Yeah. Mm.

Listen.

Every year, our block goes all out for Christmas.

You have my attention.

And this year, the stakes are higher than ever.

Keeping up with the Joneses.

It’s actually gonna be televised this year.

Cable? Streaming? The Internet?

Probably all of that.

This year, the competition’s got a lot of money on the line, and I mean a lot of money.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your reindeers.

Christmas is not about money.

I agree. Christmas is…

It has never been about money.

Christmas is not about money.

It’s not. Except that it is.

(laughing): I’m just kidding. Of course it is.

‘Tis the reason for the season.

Follow me. Let’s kick some ass.

♪ ♪

♪ On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love sent to me ♪

♪ 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping ♪

♪ Ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing ♪

♪ Eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming ♪

♪ Six geese a-laying, five gold rings ♪

♪ Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves ♪

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree. ♪

(Pepper gasps)

Now, that, my friend, is the pièce de résistance, the crème de la crème, the winner, winner, chicken dinner.

And up there at the tippy-tippy top is the luckiest partridge you’ll ever get your hands on.

I’ll take it.

Oh, cool your cocoa, Krampus. (chuckles)

These are handmade.

Each one of a kind.

I need to know that you understand the true meaning of Christmas.

Are you kidding me? I’m Mr. Christmas.

Christmas is about giving.

And Christmas is about the power of a child’s imagination.

And it’s about giving the least popular reindeer with the red nose a chance to be great. Mm.

Unless you want to go the religious angle.

(laughs) Jesus Christ, no.

I’ll ring you up.

One magnum Toblerone… (keys clacking) 36 boxes of Christmas lights, one “12 days of Christmas” tree.

(cash register beeps) And your grand total comes to…

No, no, no. I don’t even want to know.

Probably for the best. (chuckles)

Uh, tap your card, please.

Yeah, sure.

(machine beeps “Jingle Bells”)

Signature, please.

(chuckles)

Oh, ignore all the fine print, legal mumbo jumbo. (chuckles)

Honestly, it’s like you’re signing your life away.

(both laugh)

Yeah. (clears throat)

(toys ringing, wailing, honking loudly)

(squawks)

Silence!

(toys wind down)

(chuckles softly)

Go on.

(both chuckle)

(printer beeps)

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

(“Gee Whiz, It’s Christmas” by Carla Thomas playing)

♪ Hello there ♪

♪ Merry Christmas, how’ve you been? ♪

♪ It’s been a long, long time ♪

♪ Can’t explain why you crossed my mind ♪

♪ I guess it’s just to wish you ♪

Okay, keep coming.

♪ A Merry Christmas… ♪

Keep going. Yeah.

(grunts) A little more.

Yeah.

Okay, stop.

Stop!

(slams loudly) (electronic giggling inside)

“Rub partridge.”

I just want it to be a great Christmas.

Let me win this thing.

It’s stupid. Daddy’s trippin’.

(Chris sighs)

(lid creaking)

(yells, grunts)

(mechanical clicking, whirring)

♪ ♪

(chirps)

(chuckles)

(fanfare plays)

ANNOUNCER: This is Prism 1.

(laughs)

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas here in El Segundo.

I’m (clicks tongue) Kit Kleiman.

We’re still doing that.

And I’m Emerson Turner, and welcome to opening night here on Candy Cane Lane where the temperature is cooling off… Ooh.

But the competition, my friends, the competition is heating up. (Kit exclaims)

And let me just say how thrilled I am to be here with you.

And I am also here with you.

Well, the 1300 block of Acacia Avenue is about to get lit.

(scatting excitedly)

(laughing)

And with good reason, ’cause this year, the residents of Candy Cane Lane are competing for a $100,000 prize.

Well, this is exciting.

I’ve been looking forward to this all year.

And you know what, I’ve been looking forward to this, boy, ever since I graduated top of my class from the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism.

Really?

No. So let’s kick it off by sending it to our Prism Cable News meteorologist Sunny Roberts.

(fanfare plays)

JOSH: Can I give y’all some advice?

When y’all brought the spaceship out and mixed it in with Santa Claus, it screamed, “I don’t want to win.”

I’m sorry, who is that?

Oh, that’s my nephew Josh!

He’s an influencer.

Okay, where is… where’s Sunny? Where’s Sunny?

(horn honks, crowd cheering in distance)

Hold up, hold up. I got, I got, I got to go to work.

I got to go to… (stammering)

It’s time to work! Why you ain’t tell me…

We’re recording! This is live! This is live!

Welcome!

Coming live from Prism Cable, ya dig?

Your boy Josh DaBoss hanging with Santa Claus.

You know what time it is.

Ain’t nobody come to play! (chuckles)

Yes! On Candy Cane Lane.

Ay, KJ, D-Berry, I told y’all I’m gonna be on the news!

Didn’t I tell you? Ah! (chuckles)

Make sure y’all hit that like and subscribe button, ’cause I don’t know how long I’m-a have this job.

Is this gonna be on Roku cable?

Well, you heard him.

It’s time to get this party started with the big man himself, the one, the only Santa!

(band playing “Here Comes Santa Claus”)

Yeah! (laughs)

Oh, here we go.

They are starting to turn on some lights.

Let’s see what happens. (laughs): Hey.

EMERSON: And with one wave of Santa’s magical pointer finger, the houses light up.

♪ Joy to the world ♪ Oh!

♪ The Lord is come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her king ♪ (song changes)

♪ Hanukkah, Hanukkah… ♪

Whoa! Santa Claus got it lit up down here!

They got the Hanukkah mixed in with the Christians, but, you know, Jesus was a Jew.

Yes! He was Jewish.

L’chaim to all of our Jewish supporters.

Santa Claus is lighting up everything.

You got a LAX house.

♪ I just wanna fly… ♪

♪ ♪

(band playing lively music)

(horn honks in distance)

Dad, Dad, Santa’s coming! Hurry up! He’s coming! Hurry up!

CHRIS: Okay.

(Carol shouts) (band playing lively music)

Oh, you look amazing! Hey! Oh!

(laughs) Oh, look at him go!

♪ ♪

HOLLY: Dad, Dad, he’s coming! He’s coming!

I know. I’m ready.

He’s two houses away. Hurry up!

(electronic dance music playing)

Oh! That’s the Matrix?

Hey! Matrix! EMERSON: Oh.

HOLLY: Dad, they’re almost here!

(horn honks in distance)

BRUCE: Hey, Santa! Santa!

Strap yourself in because I’m about to blow this house up!

Oh!

(“Run Rudolph Run” by Foo Fighters playing)

Right?

♪ You know you’re the mastermind ♪

♪ Run, run, Rudolph ♪

♪ Randolph’s running way behind… ♪

Wow.

This house has won the past four years, so it looks like we have an early front-runner.

Mm, he’s gonna win again.

HOLLY: We’re next, Dad, we’re next!

Come on, Chris, what do you got?

♪ ♪

Come on, Dad.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Come on.

(plug clicks) (electricity whirs)

(crowd groaning)

(crowd murmuring, booing)

JOSH: Man, come on, brother man.

You must not pay your light bill.

You couldn’t hook it up to the Matrix?

Ah, poor guy.

What a disappointment.

God, you sound like my father.

Josh, what’s going on down there?

(stammers)

JOSH: Santa Claus, give it one more.

One more shot. Do your little thing. Do your little thing you do.

♪ ♪

(switch beeps) (choir singing “Total Praise”)

♪ Amen ♪ (crowd murmuring)

♪ Amen… ♪

(rapid warbling)

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Amen… ♪

♪ A… ♪

(laughs): Wow!

♪ …men ♪

(rapid rattling)

(singing ends) (crowd cheering)

Dad! You did it!

Yeah, we did!

(whooping, laughing)

That’s my house.

That is my husband! Hold on! Yeah. Nice.

Um, I’ll be right back.

Oh, Dad, this is amazing!

It’s amazing, yes.

(laughter)

JOY: Oh, my God.

CAROL: Chris!

Chris! This is incredible! Hey!

You see this? Oh, my God!

Look what you did!

(laughter)

JOSH: Give me some!

Got a six-foot elf.

I ain’t never seen nothing like it. I ain’t never seen that.

I think this is the house to beat, don’t you, Emerson?

All is definitely bright.

And things will only get brighter on Christmas Eve when Prism Cable brings you the… Live from El Segundo…

Candy Cane Lane Spectacular Extravaganza Bonanza!

(laughs) That’s a mouthful.

I added that last part. Yeah, we-we know.

(gasps) Oh, my gosh.

(electronic whirring)

(phone vibrating)

(sighs) SQUAWKING VOICE: Uh, hello?

Hello. Hello, Chris.

(squawks) And who is this?

Rise and shine, naughty boy.

Do you know where your ornaments are?

They know where you are.

They’ll be coming for you.

(squawking laughter)

(phone beeps)

Hey, teenagers, how do you block an unknown caller?

I’ll tell you if you tell me how to block out Nick’s music.

What? (hip-hop beat playing)

Hey, what are you listening to?

Uh, it’s… I wrote it.

You want to hear it from the beginning? (music stops)

JOY: Uh, no.

(stammers) What’s wrong with you?

In a second.

♪ ♪

Hey. Hey.

What the…

No.

No, no, no! This is…

CAROL: Chris!

No! Chris!

Hey, Carol, we’ve been vandalized. Somebody trashed the whole…

(birds honking)

I know we are not doing live swans.

No.

What the hell’s all of this?

I don’t know.

But you mean to tell me that you will not let the kids get a dog, but you’re gonna get swans?

These guys need to go.

I didn’t do this. I didn’t bring these back here.

But now that you mention it, live animals would make a hell of a statement.

No, no.

I am squashing the swans, okay?

And I do not want to be late for regionals.

Get these out of here. -O-Okay, I’ll get rid, I’ll get rid of ’em.

It’s in the pool. That’s disgusting. Okay, I’m gonna…

I’ll get rid of ’em. Please, please.

Hey, hey, little swan.

Hi.

All right, listen, you swans, y’all have to get up out of here.

Let’s go. Let’s go.

(grunts) Come on.

Oh! Hey! Hey! (honking loudly)

(honking and shouting continue outside)

Don’t worry about this, honey. I can fix this.

Hey, Bruce. Hey, Tricky Bruce.

BRUCE: What?

Yeah, I know you know what happened to my ornaments.

Don’t act like you don’t know.

Hundred percent don’t know what you’re talking about.

Don’t act like you don’t know what happened.

You know exactly what happened to them ornaments.

I have no idea what you’re talking about, Chris.

And you know what just dawned on me?

That whoever did it wasn’t working alone, Scott and Shelly.

Why would we do it? Look, the only thing I know is I don’t know what you’re talking about. You know exactly what I’m talking about.

And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, maybe you should ask Scott and Shelly what I’m talking about, ’cause I think they might know.

Chris, we didn’t do anything. (vehicle doors close)

We didn’t do anything. Did you guys do anything?

No. I did nothing.

Okay.

SCOTT: Stop looking at me like that, man.

BRUCE: Oh, my God. Creeping me out, man.

Yeah, you see, it’s all good holiday cheer till there’s $100,000 on the line.

Then you see what happens to the thin veneer of neighborly love?

What are you gonna do, Dad?

I’m gonna go back to that weird woman and see if she can hook me up with some replacement parts.

Can I come? Don’t you have school?

It’s the last day.

We’re watching Frozen in like three different classes.

You know, you’re very, very cute, and you’re also very manipulative.

(both scream)

Hey, I don’t know about this bird.

Well, Pepper did say it was good luck.

Not so far.

What was that?

(birds honking in distance) Oh, my God.

(egg whistles, splatters)

(honking loudly)

(shrieks)

(gasps, shouts)

Oh.

(shouts)

(entry bells jingling)

Hello?

You in here?

Hello?!

What are you doing? Hey! Ooh.

You have to stop scaring me like that!

Oh, looks like someone’s been rubbing the partridge.

What? No.

I know a rubbed partridge when I see one, sir. (chuckles)

I rubbed it like the instructions said to rub it.

Weird instructions, by the way. What was your wish? Fame?

No, fortune.

No, no, no, that is right.

You want to win a contest, because Christmas is all about winning, isn’t it, Chris?

Look, lady… Pepper.

Uh, look, Pepper, somebody stole my ornaments, and I need some replacements.

Oh, I’m sorry. It’s like I told you.

Each one of those trees is unique.

If you lost your ornaments, I’m afraid you have to find them yourself.

I didn’t lose my ornaments. Somebody stole ’em.

Do you hear that song?

No. You don’t hear the tune?

I don’t hear nothing.

♪ What’s a little man to do ♪

♪ To make his little wish come true? ♪

♪ Before the old clock tower dings ♪

♪ You must collect the golden rings ♪

♪ Then all will hail the king of Christmas ♪

♪ A strip of land is called an isthmus. ♪

A isthmus?

Well, nothing else rhymes with “Christmas.”

Yeah, um, that’s weak.

Well, the joke is on you… ha ha… Because you’re also weak.

(smoke bomb pops, whistles)

(coughing)

(entry bells jingling)

Ooh. A customer.

Welcome to Kringle’s. We’ve been expecting you.

Pepper is crazy.

MALE VOICE (British accent): Psst. Oy. Over here.

Hello.

Dad.

Good morning, milady.

Good morning, good sir.

What the…

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪ (beatboxing)

Easy, guv. Bit of an head scratcher, innit?

But no worries.

Pip here at your service.

Nice to meet you, Pip. I’m Holly.

Hey, Holly, don’t get so close to that little, tiny man.

But he’s so cute.

But he’s not real.

Oy.

Are you real?

As real as you. Least I was.

We all were until we fell into that elf’s sick, twisted trap.

Yeah, don’t get screwed like us, man. It ain’t good.

PIP: No, Christmas is wonderful once a year.

But every day? It’s a nightmare.

I’ve been eating nothing but chestnuts for ten years.

I’m right clogged up.

CORDELIA: The relentless good cheer, these ridiculous outfits.

GARY: And it never ends.

I light the lamp. I blow it out.

Light it, blow it out again.

Light, blow, light, blow, light, blow… Stop it!

I would love to, Cordelia.

So Pepper’s a real elf?

Pepper was Santa’s favorite, but any mistake and she’d put you on the naughty list.

Her standards were impossible.

One strike and you’re out.

So Santa demoted her all the way down to the reindeer stable.

(groans) Ew.

CORDELIA: And then she just quit.

Who quits Santa?

Now she’s made it her mission to punish anyone who makes it onto her naughty list.

And I got news for you, fellas.

We’re all on the naughty list.

But the benefit is I do have a two-inch waist.

Guys, enough of the backstory. Not enough time.

There’s not enough time. She’ll be back soon.

PIP: Quick, guv, what’d she sell you?

She sold me some decorations, the 12 days of Christmas.

♪ 12 drummers drumming ♪ (beatboxing)

♪ 11 pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping… ♪

Stop it! (screams)

Please!

PIP: Did she tell you what to do, a task of some kind?

There’s usually a very bad rhyme involved.

Yeah, she… Yeah, it was, “Before the old clock tower dings, you must collect the golden rings.” “The golden rings.”

♪ Five gold rings. ♪ (beatboxing)

Find the five gold rings before the clock tower dings.

That bell only chimes on Christmas Eve at 8:00.

GARY: That’s in three days.

Hurry, man, get those rings.

It’s the only way to save yourself.

But be warned: If you fail…

Yes? What are you doing?

Oh! Sh… Hey.

You got to stop doing that!

What’s going on?

Um, we were just, uh, admiring this craftsmanship.

It’s very lifelike.

Hmm.

Interesting choice of words.

Yeah.

(clears throat quietly)

We got to find those rings, Dad. No.

I bet you that was just some hidden camera practical joke thing that some idiots want to put on the Internet.

We’re not chasing any rings.

(birds cooing)

Shoot.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Get the ring.

Holly, this is crazy.

What if it’s not?

What’s the worst that could happen?

If it’s not real, you’ve got the ring.

But if it is, you’ve got the ring!

(birds cooing) (seat belt clicks)

All right, easy there, chickens.

Easy.

All right, little chickens.

Chick-chick-chick… (grunts)

Yes!

(back-up alarm beeping in distance) (bell ringing)

(buzzer sounds in distance)

(phone vibrating)

Look at this. Look at this.

Oh.

CAROL: Hey. I had the weirdest morning.

Yeah, I bet not as weird as mine.

No, I’m about to meet the regionals, and there’s egg on my face.

And I mean it. Like, on my suit, too.

Well, baby, you’ll crush that. But, hey, listen.

This is gonna sound kind of crazy, but about those ornaments?

I don’t think Bruce took them.

It’s some kind of test.

I got to get all the rings by Christmas Eve.

It’s the only way to win the contest.

Chris, I was attacked by birds this morning.

What? What kind of birds?

Listen, they were laying eggs out of the sky.

What kind of bird does that?

That is no way to perpetuate a species, and it was, like, all over my suit, my brand-new…

Six geese a-laying!

Huh? Were there rings?

Gold rings? If you see a gold ring, grab it!

Oh, I got to go. I love you. Hey, Carol…

I got to go. Okay.

Wait. (line beeping)

Something’s going down at Mom’s work.

Well, think there’s a ring?

Only one way to find out.

(engine revving)

♪ ♪

All right, my little French hens, time to wreak some havoc, cause some chaos and make them suffer as only the French can.

Vive la résistance!

(birds clucking)

Well, what are you waiting for? Allez!

Go, Pierre. Go, Jacques.

By alternating packaging flow, we avoid backups that could lead to costly ware…

(bird clucks mockingly)

…warehouse shutdowns.

Right this way!

You see how…

Let’s go that way.

The sorting is unbelievable.

Sort, sort, sort, sort.

We’ll go that way. Go ahead, go ahead.

DONALD: Business all the way through.

Wait till you see what she has to say. It’s pretty incredible.

Go ahead, Carol.

So, packing peanuts.

Ours are completely biodegradable.

(bird clucking)

They are plant-based and s…

(bird clucking quietly)

…sourced and…

(clucks) Oh! Chicken.

Our packing peanuts are made of chicken?

No.

No, no. That would be crazy.

(clucking)

(bird clucking quietly)

(bird clucking)

(grunting)

CAROL: (mutters) I got this. Uh… (chuckles)

(Carol muttering) (bird squawking)

I got it!

I got it! (squawking wildly)

Oh, my God. Okay. (grunts)

(bird screams)

(clucking)

(exhaling sharply)

Carol? Yes?

What is the problem?

Ex… Y-Yes!

This is a problem.

I wanted to demonstrate what can happen.

Bottlenecks.

Unpredictability.

Chickens. Chickens.

You would avoid all of that if you came to our warehouse and do my protocols.

(clucking) (grunts)

Yes!

Yeah?

Yeah.

Come on. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, seriously.

Get it out. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. (whoops)

♪ ♪

HOLLY: Where are we going, Dad?

CHRIS: We’re going around back ’cause I need some answers.

HOLLY: The sign says she’s not there.

CHRIS: I’m not talking about her.

I don’t like this.

And are we breaking in?

No, no, not at all.

We are paying customers, all right?

(door thumping, rattling)

Oh.

See, the door was wide open.

♪ ♪

(quietly): Go keep a look out front.

That’s the kind of thing you say when you’re breaking in.

Just do what I said.

Hey.

Wake up. Wake up. (lights clicking, voices murmuring)

Wake up, everybody.

Wake up, wake up. (yawning)

Everybody.

(yawns) I usually don’t get up before 10:00.

Okay. What’s up, man?

(sleepy moaning)

Wake up.

Oh, man. Okay, okay.

We’re here. Okay. Okay.

All right, Tiny Tim, now Pepper’s messing with my family.

Oh, blimey, that’s what she does, guv.

Goes after the people you love most, turns your whole life upside down.

Well, it’s not gonna work because I’m calling this off.

This has to stop.

Stop?

You can’t make it stop. Mm-mm.

PIP: You made your wish. You’re in it now.

CORDELIA: Yeah.

GARY: Mm-hmm, that’s how she gets you, man.

Tells you you can get a wish.

Only you have to complete some crazy, stupid, impossible challenge.

Well, why me? Why any of us?

Because we took the bait.

Anyone can make one mistake, and then you’re cursed and no one can help you.

She’s evil but needy like a cat you bought and raised but hates your guts.

Well, she sent me looking for gold, frankincense and myrrh.

I mean, gold was easy, obviously.

I have a ton of that at my house.

But what even is that other stuff?

I went to every Sephora I could find.

I found plenty of Fenty but no myrrh. No myrrh!

And she made me dress up as a New York City cop to rescue my estranged wife from a Japanese-owned high-rise being attacked by terrorists.

What? Die Hard?

That’s not even a Christmas movie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It is the Christmas movie.

I literally cannot with you. Well, I can with you.

You won’t. All right, then.

Guv, we all failed.

Now we’re trapped in Christmas Village.

Just like you’ll be if you don’t find those rings.

Like I’ll be?

I’m not gonna get trapped in no Christmas Village.

I didn’t sign on for this.

CORDELIA: Uh-oh. But you did.

You literally signed on for this.

Your receipt? There’s, like, a bunch of fine print at the bottom.

You didn’t read it?

Nobody reads the fine print.

GARY: Oh, come on, brother.

You got to read the fine print, man. The terms of service are brutal.

I know one thing:

No elf is gonna shrink me down into some freaky Christmas person.

Hey!

Well, I am freaky. That’s personal.

Sorry. Sorry.

‘Cause I’m going after those rings.

Whoa. Whoa! Holy Sonic the Hedgehog.

I’m already on my way.

Oh, my God, he’s doing it.

He’s really doing it!

That’s a good sign, guv.

You only need three more.

And if he gets all five…

CAROLERS: ♪ Five gold rings… ♪ (beatboxing)

Shut up!

(whimpering)

If you get all five, you can break the curse.

GARY: And if he breaks the curse for himself…

Maybe it breaks it for me!

All of us! All of us. All of us, girl.

I don’t know nothing about no curse, and I don’t know about no magic, but I do know one thing, that I ain’t scared of no elf.

That’s right, Chris. (laughs) That’s right. You tell her.

GARY: Yeah, too bad she not hearing you say it right to her face. (chuckles)

(muffled over car speakers): ♪ One day of Christmas, I got a smartphone ♪

♪ “Jingle All the Way” playing on my ringtone ♪

♪ Second day of Christmas, I copped two pair of kicks… ♪

Dad, she’s coming.

♪ 12 days, 12 days ♪

♪ 12 days of Christmas ♪

♪ It’s the 12 days, 12 days… ♪

(car alarm chirps) (song stops)

Dad, she’s right outside!

Okay, come on.

Take us with you, guv.

Help us, and we’ll help you.

Okay, come on. All right. Oh, thank you so much.

Everybody, in. Come on. Thank you, Chris, is it?

Move it, move it, move it, move it.

Come on, man. Hurry up, man. Is there a pub on the way?

All right.

CORDELIA: See you never, Kringle’s!

Oh!

Ah, take that, Pepper! (Chris grunts)

(laughs) We’re out of here!

(entry bells jingling)

(door closes)

(bells chiming) (electronics whirring)

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Come on, come on. Be careful.

GARY: Oh, my God, that’s the sun, dawg.

CORDELIA: Hey! I’m outside!

PEPPER: No!

No, no, no, no, no!

I can’t live without you!

I mean, I can, but who wants to try?

PIP: Easy, guv. GARY: We all right?

(all grunting)

Ah, right on my coccyx.

GARY: Ah, ow! Sorry for putting my butt on y’all.

Oh, God! Ow!

(clock chiming) CORDELIA: Good job, bonbon.

PIP: Let me head up top.

CORDELIA: Whatever you do, don’t peel out!

(all screaming, whooping)

GARY: This is amazing! (Pip laughing)

(exhales slowly)

(groans angrily)

(tires squealing)

So that’s how you want to play?

Game on.

I’m the king of the…

(shouts)

I pulled a hammy.

CORDELIA: Hey!

(tires squealing)

(Gary whoops)

Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hey! That was fun.

All right, just don’t take any more turns like that.

I don’t know if I can take it!

(grunts, groans)

♪ ♪

Two normal-size people driving down the street.

Hello, neighbors. Hello, neighborhood.

GARY: Uh-uh. Is this a broker version of where we came from?

CORDELIA: I have motion sickness.

GARY: Girl, don’t throw up on me.

(Pip groaning)

Ow.

(laughs)

Ah, at last, free from the torment of eternal Christma…

Oh. Ew.

I’m-a burn up everything in here.

(grunts)

Oh, run! -Paper tidal wave! Incoming!

Hop it! Hop it! (grunting)

Ow, my bustle! Ow, my everything.

(whistles)

You’re quite the home decorator, Holly.

(bell chiming)

What is this, some sort of butcher’s chart?

Oh, my God, it’s Operation!

Yo, I love Operation, dawg.

Oh, I am flawless. I never get shocked.

Watch this, y’all. (laughs)

(screaming) CORDELIA: Gary!

Oh, no. S-Sweeney Todd!

Oh, my God, Gary, are you okay? Do I look okay?

(electricity crackling) Ay. Ay. Ay. Ay.

I actually think it’s an improvement. Eh.

(Carol sighs)

Hey, hold up.

This is important.

Dad, come on, seriously?

Do you have any idea how bad that could’ve been?

I can explain. And why were there chickens?

Did you bring the chickens?

No.

Well, kinda, yeah.

Oh, my God.

This about the contest?

Are you ki…

Chr… Chris… (whispering): you are supposed to be spending this time looking for a job.

Why Dad looking for another job?

JOY: Did you quit?

You got fired?

No, I got laid off.

And I didn’t want to tell you guys because I didn’t want to ruin Christmas.

But it’s fine. It’s fine.

Seriously, fine.

As long as I keep my job.

I’m gonna show you guys something, and when I show you what I’m gonna show you, all your questions are gonna be answered.

But when I show you this, don’t freak out.

(snickers)

Come on. You got to see this. Careful. Careful, you guys.

Holly, seriously? What are you doing?

What is happening?

(villagers murmuring excitedly)

CORDELIA: Oh, my God, look at this.

CAROL: What is this? (metallic tapping)

What am I looking at? This is what I want you to see.

CAROLERS: ♪ Let nothing you dismay. ♪

(whooping) CAROL: Who’s singing?

CHRIS: They’re singing.

(villagers chattering excitedly)

CAROL: What?

(laughter)

Oh, my God.

(chatter continues)

(whooping, laughing)

Ooh, look at you, hot stuff, looking like a tall drink of water.

Gulp, gulp, baby.

CAROL: Step back. Step back.

Step back. What’d you just say about my mom?

Hey, I know you see this fire between us, girl.

Is he talking to me? Hey, watch it.

That’s my wife. For now, brother.

CORDELIA: Oh, I am so sorry.

Hi. Um, nice to meet you.

I can only apologize for Gary.

He’s the worst.

She feel that heat, though. She feel that heat!

(gasps) That tree is feeling the heat!

God, watch it! The tree! Hey.

CAROL: It’s on fire. Oh!

See, you’re burning stuff down.

Watch what you’re doing, Gary.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, it’s kind of my thing, though.

Woo-hoo! (toy car horn honks)

Check out the new whip, everybody.

Someone order a cab? (laughs)

Pip!

Hi-ho, cheerio, Holly.

Okay, Chris… what are these?

Hey, everybody, this is my wife Carol.

Hello. ♪ Here we come a-caroling ♪

♪ Among the leaves so green. ♪ No.

Nope. That is weird.

And-and this is my son Nick.

♪ Jolly old Saint Nicholas ♪

♪ Lean your ear this way. ♪

And you guys remember Holly.

♪ The holly and the ivy. ♪

And this is my oldest daughter Joy.

♪ Joy to the world. ♪

CAROL: Wow. (clears throat)

Wait.

Whoa.

We’re all named after Christmas stuff?

(whispers): Oh, my God.

NICK: Seriously?

Just now figuring this out?

I have to admit that was my idea.

Yeah, it was all him. I kind of talked Mom into that.

Mm, he did. Chris, can I talk to you for a second?

CORDELIA: Oh, she’s talking through gritted teeth.

You know what that means. We can talk right now.

Think we should do it a little privately.

Just kind of step away for a second.

PIP: Mm, someone’s in trouble.

No, no one’s in trouble. (clears throat)

What are those and why are they talking?

They’re little Christmas people.

Yes, I can tell, but that’s insane.

I mean, do you wind them up? Is there a battery?

I don’t got no battery, but you can check.

CHRIS: No, there’s no battery.

They’re-they’re little Christmas people that have come to life.

It seems scary to me. What’s scary about it?

They’re talking and they’re little, and that little one keeps flirting with me.

Hey, I’m scary at first, baby, but…

I’m telling you right now, you say one more thing,

I’m gonna flick you into next Christmas. Ooh, girl.

Oh, you smell good.

CHRIS: You don’t think this is amazing?

CAROL: No, it doesn’t feel magical. It feels terrifying.

Please don’t touch that! Don’t touch it.

CHRIS: It’s okay. They’re…

It’s safe.

You know what this is? Mm?

This is Christmas magic.

Well, I’m magic. I don’t know what Gary is.

(laughs)

Mostly, like, gross.

CHRIS: That’s why I got to find three more rings before this clock chimes eight times on Christmas Eve.

Okay, so Popper… Pepper.

Pepper. Pepper. It’s Pepper.

It’s Pepper.

Pepper will make your wish come true?

Right, then I win. I win the contest,

and I get $100,000. Right.

Then this family has the best Christmas of all the Christmases ever.

Except for the first one, which was obviously a biggie.

That was special.

Wait, so that was your wish?

To win Candy Cane Lane?

Not, like… I don’t know… world peace?

End hunger? End homelessness?

NICK: Stop climate change?

JOY: Save the polar bears?

New Drake album? Oh.

Oh, I love Drake.

Me, too. (chuckles)

Okay, point taken, but I wasn’t thinking like that.

I was thinking about my family.

Oh. That’s why I love him.

But remember, if you fail…

(shushes)

If you fail? What?

If I fail, then I don’t win.

But we don’t have to worry about that.

‘Cause I’m gonna find those rings.

That’s right. Yeah.

Hopefully.

What you mean, “hopefully”? Stop being negative.

All right.

Stapler.

Stapler!

Somebody better find that stapler.

Come on, guys, who used it last?

Over here, you little piper.

There you go.

You little suckers.

Gotcha.

Right there, lady.

There you go.

All right.

So, we got two rings.

The first one is from…

♪ Two turtledoves ♪ (beatboxing)

Yep. And the second one is from the three…

♪ Three French hens ♪ I was gonna say it.

Okay. And we also met…

♪ Seven swans a-swimming ♪

CAROL: And the six geese a…

♪ Six geese a-laying ♪

That looks just like her. I’m-a burn her ass up.

Firepit that ass.

Hey, Gary. No, no, no, no. Yes.

Mm-mm. She going to hell.

Gary, put the fire down.

Aw.

Question.

So, Dad, Dad, who is this Pepper person?

She some old girlfriend or something?

‘Cause I met one of those before, and she was still mad.

She’s not wrong.

No, no, she’s not an old girlfriend.

She’s an elf.

And she fights dirty, so we got a new house rule: Nobody can leave this house till Christmas Eve.

What?

What?

Wait, what? Fine with me.

Dad, I got band. You’re gonna have to skip band.

Okay, more importantly, I have a track meet, and a scout’s gonna be there.

Oh. Really? A scout?

(stammers) From USC?

Yeah.

Okay, we can’t skip that.

We’re gonna all go to that together. I’ll just have to keep you safe.

Yeah, and we’re gonna do this as a family.

We should split up. What do you mean, we should split up?

Have you ever watched a horror film?

When you split up, somebody dies.

That’s true.

Yeah, a Black person always die first, and all y’all Black.

CAROL: I’ve searched online, and no one has heard of this Pepper.

I think we should wake up tomorrow morning and call the police.

And tell them what?

And tell them the truth, that some sadistic little elf is targeting our family.

Yeah, I just said it out loud. It’s not gonna work.

I just got to find those damn rings.

Can you please forget the rings, Chris?

Seriously, just give the-the village back and all those little tiny figurines and say you’re sorry for whatever you did to piss her off, and then be done with it.

It’s just not that simple, Carol.

What are you not telling me?

There’s something you’re not telling me. What are you not telling me?

Carol, I just can’t walk away.

I have to.

Okay.

Okay, I hear you.

Okay? Okay, yes.

All right. We made a promise to each other.

I’m glad you’re saying this. I was about to remind you.

Oh, you were gonna remind me? Before you said it.

Okay. Okay.

Okay? So… Yes, I’m gonna show up for you because we are on the same team with each other. Yes, because of this, we show up.

We show up for each other. Right, we show up for each other.

No matter how strange, no matter how crazy, we show up for each other.

I don’t think those were in the vows.

I’m putting that in now.

No matter how strange or how crazy, we support each other.

Okay.

So I got your back.

We’re gonna get this done.

And that’s why I love you so much. I love you, too.

Mwah.

Give me another one.

Ooh, I love both of y’all right now. How strange it ’bout to get?

No! No! Hey.

No! Chris. I’m-I’m-a handle him.

Oh, don’t cup me, brother, not on the holiday.

I’m gonna d-deal with our little friend, and I’ll be back in a second.

(cup rattling)

(Gary grunting rapidly)

PIP: All right, you got the letter?

HOLLY: Yes.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Disarmed.

PIP (whispers): Here we go.

You’re very brave, Holly.

Thank you, Pip.

I’m quite scared myself.

You see, Pepper will never stop until she finds us.

It’s okay.

We can protect each other.

That’s very kind of you, love.

I’m just so tiny, you see.

I am, too.

Is that the mailbox?

It is.

We got this, love.

Thank you, Pip.

(chuckles): Well, and Bob’s your uncle.

HOLLY: I don’t have an uncle.

PIP: It’s an idiom, love.

HOLLY: What’s that?

PIP: A figure of speech.

You ever hear of a writer called Charlie Dickens?

HOLLY: No. PIP: Oh?

My mother knew his mother.

Yoo-hoo.

Where are you, my naughty little stocking stuffers?

Pip?

(quietly): Don’t move. Don’t even breathe.

Cordelia?

Lamp boy?

(gasps) Oh.

My Santa. It’s a slum.

Oh, what a downgrade.

Come out, my little villagers.

It’s me.

Where are you?

Hello?

Mm. (whispers): Please, no.

I want to tell you a bedtime story.

But you need to come out.

Where are you?

(laughs): I’m starting to get angry.

Feels like you’re hiding on purpose.

(gasps)

Well, look at this.

(gasps)

Is that me?

I’m stunning.

(sighs)

All right, I’m leaving.

Or am I?

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

(muffled humming)

How’s that song go again?

Does anyone know the lyrics?

♪ O’er the fields we go ♪

(muffled humming)

♪ Laughing all the way ♪

♪ Ha ha ha! ♪

Oh.

Aha!

You know, he can’t protect you forever.

He’ll never find the last ring.

For the king of Christmas to save himself, he needs the one upon the shelf.

(chuckles)

I’ll be back when the clock strikes 8:00.

And then you’ll learn your tragic…

Destiny?

Inevitable outcome?

No, that’s not it either.

♪ ♪

(indistinct announcements over P.A.)

Okay, girls, this is just a normal relay.

Yeah, totally normal for a Notre Dame scout to be watching us.

Joy, does your dad know?

(crowd cheering in distance)

(whistle blows)

Hey, Joy!

CAROL: We see you!

Look, just don’t worry about him.

(crowd cheering)

I think those are those scouts from USC up there.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a look. See, right where…

That’s them, right?

Is that them?

Yes? Yeah.

Yes. It is? It is? The middle one, the middle one.

Hey! Oh.

Yo!

Fight on! Okay. Oh, my God.

Whoo!

(whispers): Stop. Yeah.

(chuckles) (phone vibrating, ringtone playing)

I’m getting sick of this.

Hello. SQUAWKING VOICE: Squawk.

Clock’s ticking, naughty chicken.

Polly doesn’t just want a cracker. She’s after all of you.

No Carver is safe. No Carver is safe.

What is that? (squawking laughter)

Some prank call, like I don’t have enough problems.

(line beeps)

(laughs) Sounds like a parrot.

That’s it.

The birds.

What?

NICK: Birds?

The calling birds.

She’s messing with us. Okay.

What do we do? Look, hey.

Take these binoculars, look around the crowd.

You spot anything, say something. On it.

You think she’s here? She could be. She could be anywhere.

Oh. Hey.

Hey, look at that. Nick, that’s your math teacher.

No, it’s not. Mr. Benedetto. Hey. Hi.

Oh, my God, sweetheart. Hey.

He’s probably excited ’cause you’re doing so well in math, sweetheart.

Yeah, I’m doing, I’m doing good in music. Yeah? Uh-huh.

He’s coming to say congratulations.

Hey! Hi there.

I see you. Hi. Okay. Okay.

I’ll be right there. Hey.

Where’s Nick?

(door creaks)

(feedback hums)

(high hat playing rhythmically)

(hip-hop beat playing)

(upbeat instrumental music playing)

(exhales heavily)

(music distorts)

(no audio)

♪ ♪

There she goes. There she goes. Come on, Joy!

Come on. Come on, babe. Come on, Joy!

(tuba playing to music)

(electric piano playing to music)

Oh. -Got a minute. Come on, Joy!

I need to talk to you about Nick. Smoke ’em, Joy!

Yeah, you want to praise my boy.

Run, girl, run! Come on, come on.

Whoo! Praise your boy for failing my class?

Failing. He’s not failing. Come on, now!

If he was failing, I would know he was failing.

Fight on!

Is he failing? Whoo!

Oh, yeah. Exponentially.

CHRIS: Who’s failing? What?

(xylophone playing to music)

I don’t know where Nick is.

Uh, there you go. Need I say more?

No, you should not.

Sports.

A topic I know nothing about.

But I did my research last night, and I looked up some of the greatest sports icons of all time.

The likes of…

Wade Gretzky…

and Tiger Wools.

And of course the classic trio of Le, Bron and James.

And the greatest of all time…

Michael B. Jordan.

And do you know what they would say if they were here right now?

They would say this is not a game.

We’re not running in circles out here.

We’re not passing the baton.

Life is about taking the baton and shoving it right up the competition’s chimney!

That was your cue. Go, go, go!

Run! (excited shouting)

(upbeat music continues)

(cow mooing)

(music fades)

Ring.

Milkmaid?

Hi.

Got milk?

(screaming)

(panting)

(cow mooing)

(grunts)

(crowd groans) Hey!

Oh!

Go.

(crowd murmuring)

What the hell are you doing?

(grunts)

You’ve got no drip.

You have got to be kidding me.

I’m coming, Joy! I got you!

Hey, this doesn’t count!

Hey, man, what…

♪ ♪

(lords shouting)

All right, now, I ain’t no punk.

What? (crowd murmuring)

Hey! Why y’all messing with me?

Y’all should be working for Cirque du Soleil.

CAROL: Run, Joy!

BENEDETTO: I don’t know if you understand how important math is. Run!

HOLLY: nine, ten.

Mom, ten lords a-leaping.

Joy. What are you doing?

Why y’all dressed like Prince?

Hey, Chris, the ring!

You got to stop him!

BENEDETTO: Math is at the heart of everything. It’s vitally important.

Nick… Listen to me, Friar Tuck.

(stammers) I need you to shut it!

Stand by.

♪ ♪

(panting)

Ha! Yes! Yes!

What were you saying?

I… I… Oh.

(doors creaking)

(cow mooing)

(gasps) (moos)

♪ ♪

(crowd murmuring)

That’s right!

I was about to start whipping everybody’s ass up in here!

Y’all got off easy this time!

Joy, that was amazing. That was amazing. Thanks, Dad.

You got it. You got the ring.

Are sure you’re okay? Yeah, I’m good, Mom.

You’re okay. All right. Thank you.

CHRIS: Hey, oh, there’s that scout.

Where? Oh.

Wait, Dad, don’t. (shushes)

CHRIS: Hey, how about that? Did you see that?

Did you see what she did out there? Wasn’t she amazing?

Look, listen.

It’s not my policy to talk to parents, okay?

Or an athlete at these events.

I’m just here to observe. That’s it.

Well, consider yourself lucky. You got a chance to observe her.

But did you see what she did?

I did. I did.

I counted, uh, 20 violations and infractions.

Well, I-I promise, I don’t usually run like this. Yeah.

Look, if she could run that fast with all those obstacles and hurdles coming at her, imagine how good she’ll do in a USC uniform.

SCOUT: I hope so. I do.

‘Cause she’s not running for us.

Oh. Notre Dame?

Nobody want to go to Notre Dame.

(laughs)

Well, she’s definitely not.

What’s going on?

Holy cow! Holy…

(footsteps squishing)

I don’t want to talk about it.

So you lied about how you’re doing in math?

It wasn’t a lie. It was a spin.

Yeah, now, how far you expect to get in life with an attitude like that?

I don’t know.

I’m thinking president.

Something big. Big things.

This boy. I can’t. Look.

Only reason I didn’t tell you I was a loser in math is ’cause I know how you feel about losers.

And, Dad, just as a reminder, I can speak for myself.

Excuse me. Don’t you even try to make this about me.

Okay? USC scout.

That guy was from Notre Dame, and you knew it.

Yes.

Okay? I don’t want to go to USC, okay?

I-I don’t want to come home for dinner every night.

I want my own life, away from you.

CAROL: Hey.

There is nothing wrong with that, but you need to be honest with your parents.

Do you two even know how hard that I work so that you can have the best of everything, the best in life, the best Christmas?

Everything that I do, I do for you.

Oh, no, no, no. You do this for yourself.

All this Christmas stuff, this isn’t for us.

Not anymore.

It’s all for you.

You… yeah, y-you say that you want our help, but you really just want to do it yourself and then have us stand here and go, “Wow, isn’t Dad so amazing? He’s number one!”

CAROL: Hey. (Joy scoffs)

Okay, that’s not helping anything.

Hey.

(whispers): We. We do the work.

I know we do the work. Okay, okay.

Okay, but, you know, not right now.

CHRIS: Look, everything you said out there was true. All right?

I want to apologize for a lot of things.

And I haven’t told you the whole truth.

If I find all the rings, I win.

Yeah?

But if I don’t… then I get turned into one of them.

What? Dad, what?

Oh, my God, Christopher.

Gary, you already knew that.

I know. It’s still a big reveal. Girl, I’m in the moment.

No. Dad!

(Holly sobbing softly)

Hey. What do you mean?

You’re gonna be one of those little guys? Forever?

Forever. Why didn’t you tell me?

‘Cause I thought that I could, you know, fix this by myself.

By yourself?

Oh, my God, Chris.

(whimpering): Now they gonna turn me into a little…

Don’t cry. I’m gonna be all tiny.

I would break you.

(whimpering)

You’re not gonna let her take my dad, are you, Pip?

Not if I can help it, love.

Oh, little bonbon.

I’m not crying. My eyes just sweat when I see something adorable.

You know what I mean?

CAROL: No, sweetheart.

No. Get up. Get up.

We are not gonna let her turn your dad into one of those weird, old-timey Happy Meal toys.

Not like… No offense. I’m sorry.

None taken. A little taken.

Mom is right.

We’re in this together.

We’re the Carvers.

Yeah.

You know what? We are a family.

We will do this together because we are the Carvers.

We’re the Carvers! Yeah!

(stammers) Technically, you guys are not Carvers.

PIP: Honorary members.

On a temporary basis.

Temporary honorary Carvers!

Seriously?

Hey, these tree creatures have to have the ring.

Mm, don’t be so sure, guv.

Pepper’s not to be trusted.

In fact, she was here last night looking for us.

Wait, she was in my house?

And she said you’d never find the last ring.

CORDELIA: There’s always some trick.

GARY: That’s how she gets you.

Right when the clock strikes 8:00 and you think you’re about to win…

You lose.

But she also said something about, “Don’t forget the nice gift maker.”

CORDELIA: Oh, yeah, and, “For the king of Christmas to save himself, he needs the one up on the shelf.”

“Up on the shelf”?

What does, what does that mean? What does that mean?

What? Seriously, you guys?

Elf on the Shelf.

Duh. -Oh. Oh, elf. Yes.

NICK: Ah, that’s it.

Elves make gifts. Pepper’s the elf.

Pepper has the last ring. Pepper has the last ring.

(exclaiming)

(chuckles) Huh?

Do you see this?

How nice is it to have some help from your family?

Yeah, it’s good to have some help from your family.

Right? And what you need is an operational manager, and that’s all me.

(Carol laughs)

Follow your mother. I have ideas. Let’s go.

Come on, you heard your mother. Let’s go! Yeah!

What is she doing? (shushes)

She’s in the zone.

Okay. Okay.

Okay!

Listen up! Here’s how it’s gonna go down tonight.

Village people, I want you right here, front and center.

To do what?

You’re the bait.

I liked when Chris was in charge.

I mean, he wasn’t effective, but I felt safer.

No one asked you.

Yeah, for once, I agree with Gary.

Do you guys want to catch an elf or not?

(ringtone playing)

ALL: Don’t answer it!

Hey, listen here, you stupid birds.

Let me tell you something right now.

We are all coming for you ’cause you messed with the wrong family.

That’s right. So you better not ever…

BENEDETTO: Nick, this is Mr. Benedetto.

What the heck is going… (line beeps)

That’s the wrong number.

CAROL: Oh.

Oh.

CAROL: Okay, listen up, guys.

We are gonna need a pulley, plywood and string lights, lots and lots of string lights.

Now you’re speaking my love language.

Hey, babe, do you think you can make a lasso out of string lights?

That’s my man.

(“Takeover” by Voli Contra playing)

♪ I’m dripping with the spirit, I been on a wave ♪

♪ ‘Tis the season, we gon’ ride or die today ♪

♪ You better stay home, happy holiday ♪

♪ If you want smoke, we blow your squad away… ♪

(music distorts, stops)

Merry Christmas Eve, everybody, and welcome to our special live coverage of the El Segundo Candy Cane Lane Spectacular.

Extravaganza Bonanza. (applause)

(over speakers): Now, all week long, our sponsors have been judging the houses, and one of these lucky families will be declared the winner of Candy Cane Lane.

And receive a check for $100,000.

(crowd murmuring, laughing) Right?

Whoo!

Um… (clears throat) it’s not a check.

It’s, uh, prizes that equal $100,000.

Was that not clear?

No, that was absolutely not clear. (crowd groaning)

What kind of prizes?

KIT: You know, just see for yourself.

Can you run the prizes, please?

Oh, and of course, gift certificates to Tony’s Tacos.

Live every day like it’s Taco Tuesday.

Tacos? (crowd murmuring)

$100,000 in Tony Tacos?

It’s not cash? It’s tacos?

Dad, Dad, just stay focused.

They are gonna turn you into a tiny action figure.

Stay focused on the plan.

Tacos are stupid.

A hundred grand in tacos? Oh, God, that’s unbelievable.

You know what else is unbelievable, Emerson?

I don’t know, that I haven’t fired my agent?

The magic and music the good folks of El Segundo have in store for us.

Take it away!

(light applause) (gentle piano music playing)

♪ Said the night wind ♪

♪ To the little lamb ♪

♪ “Do you see what I see? Do you see what I see? ♪

♪ Way up in the sky, little lamb…” ♪

PEPPER: And she shoots.

And she scores! Touchdown!

♪ “Do you see what I see? ♪

♪ A star, a star…” ♪

Do you see what I see?!

Is-is that the thing?

♪ “Tail as big as a kite ♪

♪ With a tail as big…” ♪

(gasps)

A peppermint.

There she is. (gasps)

Okay, go, go, go. Go, go.

(gasps) A peppermint.

(gasps)

There she is.

Joy killer.

Pip.

(“Zat You, Santa Claus” by Louis Armstrong and The Commanders playing over speaker)

Hello, old friend.

Hello, Santa’s little devil.

(panting)

Going for a spin?

(song speeds up)

See if you can catch me.

(panting)

(grunting) (mug shatters)

(panting)

Oy! Now!

(screams)

Gotcha!

(gasps) Messed with the wrong family!

Seriously?

This is the Oompa Loompa that has been causing all the trouble? What…

Oh, no.

I walked right into your trap.

Or did you walk right into mine?

What are you talking about?

Santa’s been giving too many nice passes to all the naughties.

I’m here to put a little coal in your stocking.

(Pepper laughing)

You got some real anger issues. Just a little.

(gasps)

Well, I got the last ring.

Winner! Yeah!

(laughter) CHRIS: I win!

I win, win, win!

Did you?

All right, I get it. I got a lot to learn about Christmas.

It’s not about what you have on the outside of your house.

It’s about who you have inside with you.

Yeah.

And nothing compares to that.

Oh, my God, if you do not stop humansplaining Christmas to me.

(explosive whooshing) (crowd gasping)

(car alarms wailing)

What is that?

(explosive whooshing)

(bells jingling)

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. It’s coming in hot.

(crowd murmuring)

Dad, what is that?

(sleigh screeches)

Peppermint!

Oh, crap.

Is that who I think it is?

(Pepper screams, grunts)

Uncle Santa! What’s up?!

(crowd cheering)

I knew Santa was Black, man!

Oh, my gosh, Black Santa! (laughs)

I only see Santa.

What color is that nutcracker?

It’s white.

(crowd cheering, murmuring)

Santa, we love you!

(laughing)

That’s Santa Claus. It’s Santa! Hi, Santa!

HOLLY: I knew it!

SANTA: Peppermint! Oh.

Peppermint?

SANTA: Peppermint, you working my last nerve.

Oh.

(laughs): Hey, you.

Fudge me.

You look great.

What’s your secret? Less cookies?

Peppermint, what have you done?

Well, I know how busy you get this time of year, so I thought I’d just teach a few people the true meaning of Christmas.

SANTA: The person that needs to learn a thing or two is you! What?

Wow. Santa.

It’s Santa, right? Uh, hello, Christopher.

Yes, it’s me.

He knows your name.

I’m… I’m really sorry about all this.

CHRIS: No problem.

Wow, you’re actually really here.

Hey, listen, Santa, um, I’m good, right?

‘Cause I got all the five gold rings.

Ah-ah-ah.

I never said five. Yes, you did.

“Before the old clock tower goes ding, you must collect the golden rings.”

There are five golden rings. Uh-huh.

Are there?

(birds squawking)

Twelve.

Dad, there’s 12 partridges.

Why? Why are there 12?

Oh, no.

What? That song “The Twelve Days of Christmas,”

it repeats.

She always changes the rules. That’s her trick.

That’s why no one ever wins.

Is this a… some sort of pet entrance?

You sing it over and over again, and every time you do, you add another one.

Oh. (gasps)

12 partridges!

Why… why are we doing math right now?

(crunching)

(ticking)

And two turtledoves.

And then it repeats that verse.

11 times.

So… so that means there’s…

22 turtledoves!

So it’s not really five golden rings.

It’s 40.

Forty.

Oh, my God.

He’s right. How is Nick right?

I don’t know. It’s… it’s music.

But it’s math.

I’m doing math.

Is this what y’all call calculus?

What? It’s multiplication, you idiot.

But you’re right, for once.

Wait a minute.

40 rings?

(Pepper laughing)

I got you so good. All of you were like, “Five? Let’s find the five.”

(laughing): It was 40.

SANTA: Peppermint. Mm.

Enough is enough.

No. No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

He made a deal. He signed it and everything. Look.

(wind whistling)

See?

Signed it right there.

And there’s nothing you can say or do because it’s a deal.

A deal is a deal!

Well, there’s a lot of fine print here.

You can’t expect someone to read all of this.

Oh, dear.

I’m afraid she’s got you.

Oh, my God.

CHRIS: Hey, wait a second, now. Wait a second, now. -(chuckles)

You’re Santa Claus, so you should be able to veto this or something. Yeah.

Christopher, you signed the receipt.

That’s your name.

Only you can break the curse.

(gasps)

♪ Do you hear what I hear? ♪

(bagpipes and drums playing march music)

(crowd cheering)

Wh-Wh-Where y’all come from?

(crowd gasping, murmuring)

Whoa. Everybody, back up.

Ticktock, ticktock.

Almost eight o’clock.

Seriously, you want us to try to get 40 rings now?

Oh, no, no, no. I expect you to fail.

Peppermint, I’m warning you, if…

No, I’m warning you, old man.

You’ve gone soft.

Well, all that’s about to change because Peppermint is coming to town!

CHRIS: Oh! Son of a Blitzen!

Fly, my pretties! Fly!

(door rattling)

(birds squawking, honking, clucking wildly)

She just kick Santa Claus?

That’s what I saw. (birds squawking)

Whoa! Oh, my God! Oh!

(laughing maniacally)

Ooh, that hurt.

Hey, we need more rings. Oh, quick, how many do we have?

Five. Five?

Okay, we got five rings. That leaves 35.

Yeah.

I’m like a math genius, y’all.

No, sweetie.

Okay, everybody has to get as many rings as they can.

Yes, okay, split up. You said not to split up.

That only happens in horror movies.

What do you think this is? Come on.

Hey, Santa Claus, you all right?

Are all your elves like this?

I’m telling you, this generation.

Brother.

(squawking, honking)

Where these birds come from?

(crowd clamoring, screaming)

(groans)

(laughs): Oh, he got you.

(shouts)

He got you. (groans)

(wailing)

Hey, Santa, are you sure there isn’t anything else you can do?

(wood creaking)

(honking)

Yes! Hell no!

(laughs) Santa Claus!

Well, maybe you come by the shop sometime.

Introduce you to the elves.

We got Cupcake, Twinkle, Dinky…

Okay, okay, let’s hurry this up.

We got Winky, Dinky, Binky… and Stinky.

He not allowed inside.

If you looking for scrambled eggs, I’m telling you, it’s going down on Candy Cane Lane.

I could’ve stayed in the hood for this.

(squawking) (screaming)

(grunting)

(imitates squawking)

(squawks)

(sobbing): Thanks, neighbor. (laughing): Oh. All right. Hey.

All right. All right, Bruce.

Thank you. (laughs)

My window is rolling up so slow.

I can’t do this.

(shouts)

(squawking, honking)

Hey! Hey!

Wow.

You’re fast.

Yeah, it’s kind of my thing.

Mine, too. We should talk.

(crowd clamoring, screaming)

♪ ♪

(ticking)

(Pepper chuckles softly)

(quietly): Oh, my God.

Oy, that’s dirty pool.

Pepper know what time it is, but Chris won’t.

Okay. What we gonna do, just sit here?

Actually, guys, I think it’s time for me to drive.

(clock clicks, chimes loudly)

(crowd clamoring)

No.

What? It’s not time yet. We still have five minutes.

(clock chimes)

Carol!

Where’s that ring? Excuse me.

I’m-I’m sorry.

(clock chimes)

There it is.

What are y’all doing?

(people gasping)

Yo, who are these guys?

Yo, we got to get those rings.

Rings? What rings? There’s a ring on that drum.

Oh, this the battle of the bands? Dude, let’s go.

(clock chimes)

Yo, everybody, bring them in closer.

Then I can grab the rings.

Carol!

(clock chimes)

(whistle blows)

(band playing upbeat music)

Go ahead, Nick.

(clock chimes)

What in the world?

Oh, no!

Breaking news!

Brother man who house couldn’t light up the first try, he just shrunk.

She got me.

Hey, I still have time.

(gasps)

Coming through! Watch your step, y’all!

I don’t know what just happened. I ain’t never seen no…

Where did he go?

Let ’em get closer. Let ’em get closer.

Drum line, single file.

(upbeat music continues)

Hey, this is all we can do, Nick. Got to do it now!

There they go.

NICK: Gotcha.

(crowd cheering)

What?

Yeah.

I got ’em.

Carol, down here!

CAROL: Chris?

Carol!

Whoa!

(bird growls) (gasps)

(roars)

Hey!

Whoa, this chicken is trippin’!

Beautiful and fast, coming through!

I’m the cabbie! I should be the one driving!

(yells)

Now I know what Barbie feels like!

Let’s punch it!

PIP: You’re not even using the turn signal!

Look, it’s Chris!

Hey! Cordelia!

Oh, gee, we’re too late.

Get in! Get in! Chris, jump in!

Hey!

Oh, my God, I’m never going to Popeyes again!

PIP: Get in, guv!

(shrieks)

Oh, you got to be yolkin’ kidding me! (shouting)

PIP: Punch it! CORDELIA: Let’s go!

(shouts) Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What happened to me? It’s not 8:00 yet.

Pepper moved the hands on the clock.

I told you, she always cheats to win!

But I still have time. We got to get the rest of those rings.

Ay, we all just gonna sit here and act like his ass ain’t already glass?

We just gonna do that?

(squawking)

♪ ♪

There’s one.

Hard to port! Put your weight on it!

Catch it, bro! Oy! Huzzah!

That’s what I’m talking about. Nice one, Pip!

That ain’t nothing. Watch this.

Call this a Tootsie Roll.

A-one, a-two, a-three. (laughs)

I got all the rings from Cordelia’s three marriages.

Those were annulled and you know it!

Oh, bombs away! Look out!

(all yelling)

Got it! I got it! I got it!

(engine revving)

We can’t get traction, y’all!

We got to go! (bird clucking)

(squawks)

(squawks)

♪ ♪

(roars) CHRIS: Come on, come on, come on!

Uh, that’s not our only problem.

Give me that thing.

Hey, don’t just touch another man’s stick.

(roars)

I got this. Oh, I think I got it.

(engine revving) Here we go!

Whoa!

Stick that chicken!

Okay. (vibrating grunts)

This better work!

PIP: Come on, Chris!

GARY: Okay, impressive.

Yes!

CHRIS: Got the ring! Let’s go!

PIP: Yes! Everything is going great!

End of the road, sugarplums.

God! Why are you always finding us?

Oh, look at the oppressor with the foot on our necks.

You signed a contract.

That’s not fair.

Oh, it’s just business.

Dad, no!

You’re a villain.

Hey. Ow.

Oh, my God.

Easy now, guv.

Hold on. One minute.

Chris? Oh, my God.

Oh, blimey. (sighs)

I had no idea that this would actually happen.

I know, honey. It’s like we’re in the Twilight Zone.

(crying): Dad, no.

NICK: How do we fix this?

Daddy!

I’m-a keep it real.

Worst Christmas ever.

Look, bad things happen to good people, but if you have family and love,

you’ll get through anything.

And it’s always better to get through it together than on your own.

(Carol sobs softly)

Joy, you go to any college you want to.

‘Cause you are unstoppable, and it should be your choice.

And, Nick, your music is good.

Really good.

I saw that tonight.

Son, you’re an entertainer and you’re a leader, and you need to share your gift.

And, Holly, baby girl,

you keep the spirit of Christmas alive, every day.

That’s always been your gift to the world.

That’s always been your gift to me.

And, Carol, mama, you gonna have to go on without me.

No, Chris. Chris, we’re not the Carvers without you.

We’re just not.

Oh, too bad, so sad.

Say goodbye to your dad. (laughs)

Wait, wait. Wait!

Santa! Please.

Please, you’ve got to help.

No, no, no. Don’t get any ideas, old man.

I won fair and square.

They needed 40 gold rings in their hands.

And how many rings do they have?

38. I counted. Uh, 38.

We have 38 gold rings.

You sure about that?

Y-Yeah. I-I…

(gasps)

Wait. 39.39!

Plus mine makes 40!

(gasping, shouting)

(Chris shouting)

JOY: Dad, you’re back! What just happened?

(grunting excitedly)

CAROL: Oh, God, you’re heavy.

(laughs)

Hi. (laughs)

Oh, my God! I love you!

CHRIS: Oh, I love y’all so much. (laughs)

CAROL: We love you, too. Oh, God.

Oh, my goodness. (sighs) Holly.

HOLLY: Daddy, I love you.

(Chris grunts) (Holly laughs)

Those don’t count. Those don’t count!

40 rings, Pepper.

No! No. Just like you said.

In their hands.

No, no, no, no!

No!

No, no!

(sighs)

No. No.

No!

Hey, can y’all not forget about the little people, like, literally?

Hey, Santa, is there anything you can do to help them?

No. No, they are mine.

(all shout)

They made a deal, too, and they lost!

They lost! You’re right. They did.

Oh. There’s nothing I can do.

CORDELIA: Shaken ornament syndrome.

But I know something that can.

Oh, what’s that?

A child’s Christmas wish.

CORDELIA: Aw.

Oprah said if I believe, I can do anything!

(shouts)

Let’s park and dive!

PIP (screams): Jumping in!

Oh! Oh! (family cheering)

(excited shouting)

(laughter)

(excited chatter, laughter)

We’re back! We’re back!

What in the absolute f…

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪ (beatboxing)

Holly, my angel.

Are you Gary? Yeah. And you my future, ain’t you?

No, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that. Are you my future?

Come on, baby, you don’t like all that?

I don’t. Okay.

All right, all right.

(screams) What are we doing?!

What are we doing?! (laughter)

Hey! Way to go, Santa Claus!

Why is this happening to me?

It’s what I asked Santa for.

For Christmas.

Are you elfin’ kidding me?

Thugs need hugs.

Oh, no, no, no. -No, don’t, don’t, don’t! (all shouting)

CORDELIA: Don’t! Oh. Oh.

Why is it so warm?

That’s the spirit.

Now, if you promise to be good, I’ll let you return to the North Pole.

Deal!

CHRIS: Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You gonna let her return to the North Pole after all the stuff she did to us?

I’m Santa Claus, Christopher.

Everybody gets a second chance.

Oh, no, Santa Claus.

I mean, she did a lot of stuff here.

At-at the very least, she should be flogged or something.

Mm-hmm. PEPPER: Oh.

It’s been a long time since my last flogging.

Well, you overdue. (shudders)

All right, come on, everyone.

Let’s get you home in time for Christmas.

Oh, oh! Bye! (laughs)

CAROL: Bye!

Shotgun! (grunts) Not if I get there first!

(chuckles) That’s not how shotgun works, Gary!

My heels! Oops.

Where’s your magic up in here?

I’m gonna miss you, guv.

Pip, I wish you could stay, but you probably got family waiting on you, right?

Right.

Family.

That’s the real gift, innit?

Yeah, it is.

Merry Christmas, Pip.

Merry Christmas.

All right.

Babe, look. They’re gonna take off.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas!

Bye, Cordelia!

(laughs) Bye!

Hyah!

♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling, too ♪

♪ Come on, it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ♪

♪ Take a ride ♪

♪ Outside, the snow is falling… ♪

Bye-bye! Bye! -Bye!

Bye, Santa!

(sleigh whirring)

(explosive whooshing) Ho ho ho!

CAROL: Oh! Oh.

(Kit gasps)

Oh, my gosh. Oh, oh, oh!

Wow. -Hey! Oh, my God.

Oh, that was great. And snow?

(laughs): Hey! Hey!

Whoa! Look at that!

It’s amazing. It’s amazing. No way.

Hey!

Oh. (sputtering)

What happened?

That’s not snow.

Oh, hell no. Oh, you’re kidding me.

From Bruce’s yard! It’s Bruce!

Ugh. I thought it was one of those moments.

(chuckles): Wow!

Wow! Wow!

I mean, it all looked so real.

I mean, I think it… I think it was real.

Uh, real good. (laughs)

Like Tony’s Tacos.

Live every day like it’s…

Like it’s Christmas.

(gasps)

(laughing)

I don’t know how we gonna top this next year.

No, Chris, we don’t want to do that. What? Next year?

Seriously?

What?

I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Okay, but the-the good news!

It’s ten months to Halloween.

Yeah!

(excited chatter)

HOLLY: Yeah!

JOY (laughs): Oh, my gosh, seriously, Mom?

♪ ♪

Not bad.

CHRIS: Merry Christmas, Bruce. Oh, hey.

Chris. Thank you. Yeah, man.

I didn’t get anything for you, but I will.

And hey!

(chuckles): What is this?

It’s fleece. It’s fleece. Is this… Is it real fleece?

That’s real fleece. Yeah. That is so generous of you.

(laughing) I love fleece.

How about that?

I saw it, and I thought, “Bruce.” (ringtone playing)

Little known fact about fleece: It’s very breathable.

Very breathable fabric. (ringtone continues)

That’s not the calling birds, is it? I really hope not.

Hello?

It’s for you.

Oh. All right. (sighs)

Okay.

So, yeah, man, I think you’re gonna enjoy that.

(chuckles): Yeah. What size is it?

Hello? Your size.

Uh, uh-huh.

Um, okay, yeah.

Uh, merry Christmas to you, too.

All right. Buh-bye.

(gasping)

(laughs)

(hoarsely): I got the job.

I got the job!

You got the job.

HOLLY: What? Are you serious?

You got the job! (laughing) (squeals)

(laughter)

All right. Incredible!

(knocking) Oh. Oh, get the door.

I got the job. Oh, my God. Mommy!

Oh. I got the job. Ah.

I can’t believe it! I got it.

No, I’m okay. Okay. Okay.

Hey!

Pip, you’re back.

Morning, guv.

Hey, is everything okay? Yeah.

Just found myself in the borough, thought I’d stop by.

Pip!

Merry Christmas, my angel. (Carol laughs)

I made a wish meself, Holly.

It’s to not spend the holidays on me own.

Aw.

If you’ll have me. Oh, man.

Get this man a taco.

Tacos. Taco?

What is that? This is wine in a box!

How kind. Aw.

And what is this?

That is a fresh lady mallard.

Ah, a fresh-killed lady mallard. Ah.

Delicious. Oh, yes.

It’s a Christmas miracle. (Pip and Carol laugh)

Ah, well, come on in and have a seat.

Please come sit down. Have a seat with us, Pip.

We’re having tacos tonight.

Please. -Oh, splendid. But, uh, I’m sure we could, uh, figure out how to, how to break this, uh, lady mallard down into…

Baby, do you, do you know how to prepare mallard?

Ooh, nice one.

Chris, fits like a glove.

Ah, yes, it does. That’s a sport cut.

Yeah, it’s very hard to breathe, though.

CHRIS: This is, this is Bruce. This is Pip. Pip, Bruce.

PIP: Pleasure. You must be the local dandy.

♪ It’s a miracle ♪

♪ What we go through ♪

(tree dings)

♪ We will aim high ♪

♪ We’ll find the joy for you ♪

♪ Bells are ringing, ringing ♪

♪ Your time is ticking, too ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ ‘Tis the season for the golden rings ♪

♪ Everybody, gather round and sing ♪

♪ Let’s bring the type of joy that keep us together ♪

♪ A friendly reminder we can do this in any weather ♪

(song fading): ♪ It’s a miracle… ♪

Well, hello. Good to see you.

I thought you were giving me a second chance!

Oh, you’ll get one.

I believe in you.

And if you’re a good little ornament, you can work your way up to the reindeer stalls…

Santa, please! Anything but that.

Where you’ll shovel dookie.

Please. Is there anything I can do?

(scolding stammer) No, but I just feel that…

(scolding stammer) I’m just upset because clearly…

(scolding stammer)

You can’t just turn everyone you want into an ornament.

(scolding stammer) I’m sorry, Santa.

Please. Please. (scolding stammer)

You’re ruining my life, Santa.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Let’s get mystical ♪

♪ Here’s what we gon’ do ♪

♪ We will aim high ♪

♪ We’ll find the joy for you ♪

♪ Bells are ringing, ringing ♪

♪ Your time is ticking, too ♪

♪ Your time is ticking, too, hey ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I can’t believe the love and the joy sent to me ♪

♪ Everybody came together, and that’s all that we need ♪

♪ That’s all we needed ♪

♪ We can’t get caught up in this world’s evil little game ♪

♪ Just believe it in your heart, anything can come your way ♪

♪ “Jingle, jingle bells,” we sing ♪

♪ Traveling around for rings ♪

♪ Mm-mm ♪

♪ We need the whole family ♪

♪ When we swallow our pride ♪

♪ We can do anything ♪

♪ It’s a miracle ♪

♪ What we go through ♪

♪ Oh, what we go through ♪

♪ Let’s get mystical ♪

♪ Here’s what we gon’ do ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ We will aim high ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ We’ll find the joy for you ♪

♪ We’ll find it ♪

♪ Ring, ring, ring ♪

♪ Bells are ringing, ringing ♪

♪ Your time is ticking, too ♪

♪ Oh… ♪

Why’d you pick the tuba anyway? It called me.

It called you? The tuba called you?

CAROL: What did it sound like? (sputters)

(laughter)

(film beeps) Hey.

Oh, God, I think there’s a saltine in here that’s…

EMERSON: Oh. It’s tearing me up.

You want some saltines? Uh, no.

(laughs) I have chocolate!

PEPPER: Well, all that’s about to change because Peppermint is… (shouts) Who?

(laughter)

I bet you the white Santa Claus could help us.

(laughing): I’m sorry.

Why you gonna do that to me, man? I’m sorry.

It’s not as heavy as it looks. It’s huge! It…

You ready? No!

Don’t push it! I’m pushing!

Don’t push it!

(laughter)

(beatboxing)

♪ It’s Christmastime in… ♪

(beatboxing continues) (laughing)

I am not as loud as you. (laughs)

In fact, you know how I met your mother? I’m scared to ask.

We was at a party, and I heard somebody screaming, (goofy voice): “Party over here! Party over here!”

“Go ‘head! Go ‘head!” Go ‘head!

Let me tell you something you guys don’t know about your father.

Hey. (stammering) He’s an amazing dancer and he can sing.

What? I’m right… They can hear you.

You ain’t got to talk so loud.

(laughter)

(“Timeless Christmas” by Coco Jones playing)

♪ Snowflakes falling, it’s that time of year ♪

♪ ‘Tis the season, spreading joy and cheer ♪

♪ Fire’s glowing and the lights are bright ♪

♪ Mm-mm ♪

♪ Children dream of gifts underneath the tree ♪

♪ Smiles on their face full of pure glee ♪

♪ Friends and family are near ♪

♪ Sharing memories so dear ♪

♪ Cherish the moment ♪

♪ With the people that surround you ♪

♪ Live in the moment ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ Let’s have a timeless Christmas ♪

♪ Let’s just come together ♪

♪ In harmony as one forever ♪

♪ Ring the bells, let the music play ♪

♪ Feel the joy, it’s time to celebrate Christmas ♪

♪ Oh, this Christmas ♪

♪ In every home, a candle’s lit aglow ♪

♪ A warmth of love for all to show ♪

♪ As snowflakes dance outside the window ♪

♪ A feeling of peace forevermore ♪

♪ Feel the king, o holy night ♪

♪ The choir sings a song of life like ♪

♪ Pa-rum-pum-pum, pa-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum ♪

♪ Cherish the moment ♪

♪ With the people that surround you ♪

♪ Live in the moment ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Let’s have a timeless Christmas ♪

♪ Let’s just come together ♪

♪ In harmony as one forever ♪

♪ Ring the bells, let the music play ♪

♪ Feel the joy, it’s time to celebrate Christmas ♪

♪ Oh, this Christmas ♪

♪ There’s laughter in our hearts, a special kind ♪

♪ Sharing love and kindness in every rhyme ♪

♪ Every rhyme ♪

♪ We gather round with friends by our side ♪

♪ And feel the magic in the sky ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

♪ Let’s have a timeless Christmas ♪

♪ Let’s just come together ♪

♪ In harmony as one forever ♪

♪ Ring the bells, let the music play ♪ ♪ Ring, ring ♪

♪ Feel the joy, it’s time to celebrate Christmas ♪

♪ Oh, this Christmas ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Timeless Christmas. ♪

(song ends)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(music ends)

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