Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Season 1 Episode 4
Episode Title: Double Date
Original release date: February 2, 2024 (Amazon Prime Video)
Plot summary: John and Jane Smith plan a double date with another couple, also named John and Jane Smith. The new friends prove to be wildly unpredictable, leading to escalating antics over the course of the evening.
* * *
Hi.
Your driver’s license, banking card and marriage registration.
Did you, um, apply for high-risk?
[Jane] Yeah.
[John] Same.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You break the legs and I’ll break the arms.
Could we cover the head first?
[bones crunching]
Oh, my God.
[gags]
[Jane] What if we come up with a pact that, once we make a certain amount of money, we can part ways?
[John] Yeah, sure.
[Jane] John!
You can’t just go rogue like that.
You really care about me.
[Jane] No. I, like,
really care about you.
[computer chimes]
[John] “Hihi.”
“Enjoy your day off.”
[Jane] Ah, what a beautiful day.
[John] Yeah.
I like a stroll, you know?
Like a walk.
Yeah, not running.
Should we get some wine?
No, we have a whole room full of wine.
You know, only canned wine.
I-I like getting things sometimes.
[man] That’s my favorite.
Enjoy.
You know, the peppers from our garden
are really good, actually…
Stop.
What?
I’m never gonna eat that produce, ever.
I’ve already been sneaking it into your food.
Disgusting.
You’ve eaten a toe by now, for sure.
[laughs] Stop.
[Runi] Look at these beauties.
You just got them in?
[farmer] We did, yeah.
[Runi] They look delicious. Are they organic?
[farmer] They are organic.
[Runi] Yeah?
[farmer] Yeah.
[Jane] Can you make gazpacho with this?
Yeah.
Runi.
Stop it.
[chuckles] What’s up?
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
[laughs]
What’s going on?
Oh, my God. I can’t believe this moment.
Hey.
Hi. [laughs]
How are you?
Yeah. I’m good.
What’s going on?
[Runi] Wow.
How long has it been?
[John] Forever. I mean, forever.
Forever. [laughs]
[John] It’s good to see you.
[Runi] You look good.
[John] Thank you. You look great.
[Runi] Thank you.
[John] Hey, this is, uh, my wife.
Hi.
[Runi] Hello.
I’m Runi.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
This is Benjamin.
[John] Hey, how’s it going, Benjamin?
[Jane] Hi.
Hi.
[John] How old are you, man?
Six.
[John] Six?
Wow, really going ham on those tomatoes.
Good age.
Yeah.
Good age.
Yeah.
[John] Yeah.
You guys live in the city now?
Yeah.
Yeah. Uh, she just, um,
she just got a promotion, so we moved here.
Oh, wow. What do you do?
Um, I design software.
So just, like, user, you know, interface.
Stuff like that.
That’s amazing.
Congratulations.
[Jane] Thank you.
You still food styling?
Yes.
I’m art directing now.
[John] Ah.
[Jane] Cool.
Cool, yeah.
That’s cool.
Cool.
Yeah.
Well, it was really, really good running into you both.
Yeah.
It was so nice to meet you.
It was really nice seeing you.
We got to get going.
Okay.
Say bye. [laughs]
Bye.
Bye, Benjamin.
[laughs] Cute kid.
Yeah.
She’s stunning.
[scoffs]
You know, I’m actually really impressed by you.
Why?
I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that,
I just… I don’t know.
I thought you would be bothered by something like that.
Just glad you’re not.
What are you talking about?
Oh, that she has one hand.
[laughs] What? What are you saying?
Are you joking?
No.
That she has one hand.
She has two hands.
She has one hand.
Oh, did she have two hands when you guys dated?
Well, yeah.
Can I get three of these?
You don’t remember if the girl you dated had one hand or not?
She… Hold on.
Wait. Did you guys have sex?
Yes, I mean, that was, that’s, like, all we did.
It was the basis of our relationship.
Okay, but you didn’t notice while you were having sex,
like, one hand, two hands on you, like, that’s…
She has two hands.
Oh, my God. You don’t know.
That’s, uh…
Can I get this sliced?
[cashier] Sure thing.
[Jane] Thanks.
Can I get a Green Machine?
[blender whirring]
[whirring stops]
[indistinct conversation]
[both laugh]
John? John Smith?
This isn’t my order.
What’d you say?
This isn’t my order.
What’s your name?
John Smith.
Well, that’s the order for John Smith.
Yeah, but this isn’t what I ordered.
What did you order?
I ordered a regular old orange juice. OJ.
The old white Bronco.
I’ve been waiting, like, 15 minutes.
Oh, well, this is for John. John Smith.
Yeah, I know what you said.
Uh, I’m John.
That my drink?
Lean Green Machine, almond butter?
[tongue clicks] That’s the one.
Thank you.
No problem.
So… Mmm.
What was that?
That guy sucks.
[laughs softly]
Yeah, that’s what happened,
but I think we might have the same name or s-something.
You order an OJ?
I saw some guy walk up and claim it.
Really?
Yeah. He looked way too pleased with himself.
Uh, sir?
Yep.
Oh, no, no, no, no, you don’t have to…
No, no, no, what do you want?
I’ll get yours and another one of these. An OJ?
♪ ♪
Yeah, that-that’d be great.
[John #2] All right, so an OJ and another one of these.
[juice guy] Of course.
Wow. Six or seven years?
Is it, uh…
Is it still fun? Like, what… [laughs]
Is it like…?
What? Yeah. Dude.
Yeah, I still dig it.
John, look around.
Okay. Now…
Now look at us.
[laughs] Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some…
bumps in the road.
Yeah.
But just stay the course.
You keep through, and at the end of the day,
yeah, you’ll get some nicks and bruises, but…
John, it’s a fantastic life.
I was just saying that. I think…
Hey. Hi.
Hey. What’s up?
And this must be your Jane.
And she’s a cutie. You got lucky.
[laughs]
Uh…
Thanks, yeah, she’s beautiful. Um…
I’m John.
Jane.
His last name’s Smith.
He’s one of us.
[laughs softly]
What?
[both laugh]
[John] Yeah.
[Jane] Wow.
Yeah.
Another Smith?
Yes.
Have you met other Smiths before?
Yeah, I’ve met a few in my day, out in the wild,
but this is the first time it happened by accident.
Wow. [laughs]
Yeah. I know. We, uh…
we were getting juice.
This is crazy. What?
[laughs]
[phone chimes]
Oh. Oh, duty calls.
[John] Yeah…
[Jane] See, no, yeah.
[John] No, go ahead. Take it, take it.
[phone clicking]
It’s crazy. He, like, he has so much intel.
He… I think he thinks it’s, um, a 9/11 intelligence group.
‘Cause they’ve been doing it for, like, 15 years.
Okay.
This is what we should do,
dinner.
You can meet my Jane, we’ll talk shop,
we’ll have a couple drinks and kick back.
It’ll be a good time.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great.
Whenever you want.
How about tonight?
[Jane] Tonight?
Yeah. To… What?
You got other plans?
No, I’m-I’m…
Uh…
I think that’s fine. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that’s cool.
I’m good.
Okay, uh…
Oh.
Your phone.
[laughs]
Right. You don’t know…
[laughs]
where we live.
So, you have my number.
Text me your address. We’ll be there at 7:00.
I’ll bring a bottle of something old and dangerous.
Cool?
Yeah, you’re cool.
Great. Y-Yeah.
Great.
So nice to meet you.
So nice meeting you.
So nice meeting you, man.
Thanks.
[John #2] Hey, love. Listen, you won’t believe
what just happened.
Okay, so they’re coming over to our place tonight.
Yeah.
I want to make another round
and get other things.
Okay.
Yeah, we should, uh, get dessert.
Yeah, dessert. I saw some, actually.
There were apricots that I liked.
Apricots?
[♪ Thee Sacred Souls: “Future Lover”]
♪ Someone’s at the door ♪
♪ Ah, who is it? ♪
♪ It’s your future lover ♪
Hmm.
♪ Come on in ♪
Oh.
Mmm.
♪ Someone’s at the door ♪
♪ Ah, who is it…
You, um…
you nervous?
No, I mean…
just a little.
The cool thing is that they’re both Smiths, you know.
Yeah.
So we can actually talk about… a-anything.
Yeah.
Yeah. No, you’re right.
Yeah. You look great, by the way.
Yeah?
Really cute.
It’s not too much?
No.
This?
Mm-hmm. No, I don’t think so.
We’re matching.
We’re both wearing turtlenecks. [laughs]
I should change.
No.
Yes.
Don’t change. Never change.
[laughs]
[doorbell rings]
[John #2] Hey.
Hi.
[laughter]
[Jane #2] Jane.
Jane, yep.
Hey, how’s it going, man?
You look beautiful.
Good to see you.
[John #2] How are you?
Hi. Good to see you.
[laughs]
Good to see you.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
[music playing softly]
What a dump.
Yeah, this is great.
Guys, this is…
The best location, too.
[Jane] Yeah.
Yeah.
It’s beautiful.
Beautiful.
Aw.
Thanks.
[Jane #2] Smells incredible.
Oh, that’s all, that’s all John.
[laughs] Yeah, um…
You guys want a, want a drink or anything?
Yeah, we brought this.
[Jane] Aw.
It’s reminiscent of Hibiki.
Oh. Thank you so much.
Thank you.
[John #2] No, no, no, don’t thank us, no.
That one’s from the boss. It’s rare and proper
and-and not for the faint of heart.
So we thought it would, you know, fit the occasion.
“Enjoy.”
One word.
One word. No cryptic message or…
anything. Yeah.
What, you guys get messages?
[John] Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, we-we had one fail,
and now everything’s a message.
Well, it wasn’t like a…
[John] I mean, well, it was a technicality.
There was something we were supposed to do…
Yeah.
That just ended up hap…
It wasn’t-wasn’t our fault.
Yeah, that’s never happened to us.
No.
[Jane] Yeah, well,
it’s, you know…
It just happened one time.
Us either.
It-it did happen, but one time.
Us either. Yeah.
This thing, that wasn’t our thing.
Why don’t you pour us Janes a glass, love?
Yeah, sure.
[John] Yeah.
Am I getting a house tour or what?
[Jane] Yes, of course.
All right, yeah.
[John] I’ll get a glass. This is great.
[Jane #2] I guess the guys will go over there.
[John #2] Dude, such a nice house.
[Jane #2 gasps]
I thought the yoga studio was spectacular,
but this is…
Look at the size of this room.
[chuckles]
[laughs]
Ours leads to a great little garden on the bottom level,
but it-it’s much smaller.
Oh. That’s nice.
I will say, the company has surprisingly good taste
with this sort of thing.
I actually, I bought that one.
You did?
Yeah.
Yeah. Art’s what I wanted to start buying
when I first started making money.
You have a really great eye.
Yeah?
You can’t buy or learn that.
That’s very nice. Thank you.
I mean it.
Mm.
[Jane #2 gasps]
Oh, hi there, little puss.
[Jane laughs softly]
That’s Max.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Hi, Max.
Is this the-the…
Panic room.
Oh.
This is a weird spot for the room.
I know. I think it should be in the basement.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
This is the kind of thing you can trust the company with.
Optimization of space, efficiency and all that.
I don’t know how they do it… I really don’t… but…
it’s the difference between us and everybody else.
[laughs]
We never even use ours.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, except to eavesdrop. You’ve done that, right?
[Jane] I haven’t.
Oh, my God, you should.
[Jane laughs]
[Jane #2] You didn’t choose that one?
[Jane] No. We did not get this.
[beeps]
Classic.
[both laugh]
[tongue clicks] Aw.
Oh.
Okay. That… I know.
It’s… We like to do our debriefs together,
’cause it’s… I get nervous I’m gonna miss something.
I get it. I do all of ours.
All of them, by yourself?
Yeah.
Have you seen my John? He’s so amazing
at so many things, but writing isn’t one of them.
[chuckles]
He just misses a bunch of the details.
Ah.
I wouldn’t trade him, though.
I’m glad the company matched me with him.
Mm.
Do you ever think about who they are?
The company?
I used to.
A lot. Especially in the beginning.
But can I give you a little bit of advice about that?
Oh, yeah.
Jane to Jane?
Mm-hmm.
Don’t get in the way of your own happiness.
The company’s here to take care of you.
All you have to do is ask.
[John #2] Jane, love! Time to eat!
Oh.
I’m starving.
[John #2] So, I hook my foot
onto the top of the cage…
No underwear!
[laughs]
No underwear!
[laughter]
So your stuff is…
a lot of movement.
Lot of movement.
And just like, you’re like, “Get to the chopper,” like…
“Get to the chopper!”
But then, listen,
it’s a, it’s a, it’s a good lesson, right?
You always have to have on a good, clean pair of underwear.
[John] Yeah?
‘Cause you, you never know…
That’s what I say.
She says that
every-every meeting.
All the time.
I’m so sorry. That was my bad, baby.
It wasn’t your bad, no.
It was.
It was not. We were…
No, it was a big miscommunication.
No, but we were just, you know…
It was all my fault.
[laughter]
No. Listen.
Guys,
things… take a while to gel.
[both] Yeah.
But, like, especially in the beginning.
We got better since then.
Oh, yeah.
[John] How…
How long h-have you guys…
Like, five or six years ago.
Wait, so you guys didn’t… you didn’t start together?
I got rematched a few years in.
Oh…
Oh, wow.
I had to find a new Jane.
Wow.
Lucky me.
Yeah, really. Lucky you.
Lucky me. Yeah.
Aw.
She’s more…
Lucky me.
[John #2] She’s more mature, more…
Yeah.
We’re more, we’re more compatible.
Yeah.
That’s great.
That’s great.
How are you guys
finding your directives from Supe?
Pretty good?
[both] Supe?
[Jane #2] Supervisor.
Oh, we…
Oh.
[John] We call him Hihi.
Hihi?
Hihi? That’s cute.
Where did…
‘Cause that was the first thing…
They said, the… in the email.
Oh.
[laughter]
Yeah, they were like, “Hihi.”
Like, we were like, “Oh, this is a-a cute cartoon cat.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, that’s… yeah.
That’s cute.
Yeah. It was interesting.
Hihi.
But, yeah, Hihi stuck.
Yeah, they’re good.
They’re good.
Yeah.
Um, just tough.
[John] I think it took a while for us to, like, understand
the parameters of what…
Wait, wait, wait.
[Jane] Yeah.
What-what level are you two?
[Jane] We’re high-risk.
[John] Yeah, high risk.
[Jane] How about you?
Super high-risk?
Super high-risk?
[John #2] Yeah.
Wow.
We like it. It fits both our personalities.
Yeah.
But who knows? Maybe one day,
I’ll trade it all in and, and go low-risk.
[scoffs]
You know? Yeah.
You know, put on a uniform and…
[laughs] …and deliver some packages.
[laughs]
There will be a blizzard in July…
The delivery guys, they’re…
You don’t know that these guys, they make good money.
they’re Smiths.
Because the-the low-risk.
Oh, my God.
They’re the-the guys who were
giving us the…
The g…
Oh, yeah.
That makes so much sense.
For the benefits, do you think you could go low-risk?
No. I don’t think I’d do it.
Maybe.
I’d get bored. You would do it?
Yeah. There’s something nice.
It’s like a gardener. It’s like you…
You know when it’s done.
And you have your repetition, but I-I think
there’s something probably sad about…
James Bond delivering Edible Arrangements.
That’s-that’s probably not great.
[John #2] That’s right.
So, would you ever want to up your level?
I’ve thought about it.
[both] Yeah.
And we’ve t-tried both.
Yeah.
I mean, super high-risk is hardly any different.
Really?
Except the money and the perks are way better.
Yeah. O-Obviously, yeah.
I mean, I think we could…
I think we could do it. I would try it.
Yeah. I’d-I’d…
I’d be…
interested in that.
Absolutely. It’d be fun, to try.
Yeah.
One day.
Mm-hmm.
[both laugh softly]
[clears throat]
Yeah.
So, um…
how’s the intimacy between the two of you?
[laughs softly]
Mm.
How’s that working?
Romantically. What’s…
Yeah. It’s great.
It’s great.
It’s really great.
[laughs]
[Jane] What? It is.
[laughter]
I know, I’m meddling, I know, I’m sorry.
[John] It’s mind-blowing, guys.
But I’m just, like,
uh, it’s fascinating to me.
Yeah. We, um, we had, we…
we had rules at first. Uh…
Yeah.
To not sleep with each other.
[both] What?
[John] Yeah.
[Jane] Initially, yeah.
Wow.
[John] But then we…
I mean, how…
We…
Yes.
we ripped each other’s clothes off
the first night we met.
How did you do that?
I couldn’t resist.
[laughter]
It wasn’t that long. We-we…
We had to kill somebody
to get in the mood, so, like…
[laughs]
That’s pretty much… yeah.
[Jane #2] I just don’t understand because
we’re living in the same house, you’re doing all this
insane shit together, and then, I mean, naturally, right?
I mean, it’s so… charged.
[Jane] Yeah.
[John] Of course. Yeah, yeah, no.
[Jane] Yeah. No.
I mean…
I just didn’t want it to be messy.
You know? ‘Cause we’re business partners
and really, it… you know?
[John] Yeah, we just didn’t want it to get confusing,
I guess.
And you don’t get jealous?
No, I don’t get jealous.
She’s like a robot.
[laughter]
I’m not a robot, I just don’t get jealous.
Sorry you get jealous.
I want to know…
I go crazy
when he’s flirting just on missions.
[Jane] Really?
Oh, yeah.
Now I sound like such a rule maker, but, like,
we made this pact at first…
It’s a lot of pacts.
That we would… This is when we first started…
That we would make a certain amount of money,
and then once we made that, we’d part ways.
Yeah.
[John #2 laughs]
[laughs]
[Jane #2 clears throat]
Oh, no. Uh, what?
[laughter]
[coughing] Excuse…
[wheezes]
[laughing] Stop.
[both laughing]
Yeah, like you two can just,
you know, break up and quit, like… [laughing]
Ah…
Yeah. [sniffles]
[laughs]
Can you imagine if the company was that open-minded?
Oh, my God.
[exhales] I need a drink.
[Jane] Here, the water.
[John] Yeah, like, the water’s right there.
Uh, no. Something stronger, like…
There’s, um…
[Jane] There’s a bar behind you. [chuckles]
[John #2] Uh, okay, okay. Guys, sorry.
[Jane] No, no, no, no.
No, that’s fine.
I’m glad that it made you laugh.
[laughter]
[John #2] [sighs] Oh, man.
So, do you think if the company
hadn’t matched you, that you’d be compatible?
[John] Oh.
I think, um…
I don’t know, I feel like Jane is, like…
so smart, and I…
I just never have met anyone like her.
Yeah, I really, I really respect him.
I think he has…
he has a good heart.
[John] Yeah.
[sneezes]
Oh.
Whoa.
One.
He sneezes in threes.
Bless you.
Oh.
Yeah.
He sneezes in threes?
Yes.
[John] Oh.
[Jane] Uh-oh.
[sneezes]
Two.
Oh, my God. [laughs]
Oh, wow.
Well, now… now is the big finale.
[sneezes]
[John] Nah, we’re fair.
[Jane] I don’t know who I’m rooting for.
[laughter]
[John] No.
[Jane #2 groans]
[Jane] Go! Come on!
[laughter]
She’s tiny but she’s crazy strong, dude.
Okay, I’ve got an itch.
That is, that’s not helping.
It’s your nails. They’re going into my back…
They’re going in the back of my hand.
[Jane #2] Don’t blame it on that.
[Jane] Go.
[yells]
[shouts]
[Jane] Wow. John.
[clapping]
I got a cramp.
[John #2] She’s tiny but she’s crazy strong.
I got a cramp. That was a long time.
[Jane #2] Thank you, thank you.
She’s crazy. She’s-she’s like an ant.
I am. It’s my core.
It’s my… That wasn’t an easy defeat.
[John] Uh-huh.
It wasn’t.
I’ve had an easier time with men twice your size.
Sounds like you’re giving me a read, but that’s fine.
No, that was a compliment.
That’s fine.
[Jane #2] I’m strong.
[laughter]
[♪ Clipse: “Ride Around Shining”]
[glass chimes]
Oh.
[laughter]
[all sighing]
Oh, man.
[yawns]
Is this Eminem?
This?
Yeah.
This is, uh, the Clipse.
Oh. I like Eminem.
Is he still performing?
[Jane #2] Mm-hmm.
[John] I think he is. A couple years ago,
I saw him at, like, a festival.
Mm-hmm.
Um, and he was headlining.
And I remember, in between one of the songs,
he-he tells everybody, he’s like, “Everybody, like,
put your middle fingers up and say ‘Fuck you, Mom.'”
And there was, like, a weird silence…
No.
And we all are just like,
“Nah, bro, like, we love our moms.”
Like, “You need to talk to your mom.”
[laughter]
Like, we-we’re all, like,
“Forgive her, forgive yourself.”
Work on it.
“Work on it. You know? We’re, you’re past…
You’re old enough to figure this out.”
Yeah, yes.
Yeah, you were, you were affected by that.
[laughs]
Oh, John’s obsessed with his mom.
I’m not obsessed, I just…
Loves.
Loves his mom.
I-I… Well, who doesn’t?
It’s a good trait to have.
Yeah.
[scoffs] Yeah.
[Jane #2] How could Eminem
redeem himself for that?
[Jane] Oh.
Listen. Well…
How? Okay, but how can he get…
be cool again after that?
[John] You mean, like, relevant?
It’s hard to be old
and famous and stay punk. I’ll give you that.
I don’t think it’s possible. I don’t think
you’re supposed to be punk.
There has to be someone
who got cooler as they aged.
Who is it?
[Jane] Yeah.
[John] I…
What about Madonna?
No. No.
No.
Dolly Parton!
Oh, yeah!
Dolly Parton.
[Jane] That’s it.
[John #2] Dolly fucking Parton.
She only gets better and better…
Yeah, no. Ah.
and better and better and better.
[John] I’ll give you Dolly.
That’s the…
It’s like… Sade.
[gasping]
[John] Ah, Sade.
Sade.
Sade. That’s it.
Sade. That… I’m in it.
You got, you got, like, no, th-those are the aces.
[John #2] That’s it.
[Jane #2] That’s it.
You guys…
[Jane] We figured it out.
You guys want to be topped off?
I’ll have another scoop of that butter pecan, too,
please, yeah.
I’m good, thank you.
[John] Okay.
Just a scoop.
[John] Okay. No problem.
Sade. What a beauty.
[Jane] Yeah.
[John] What’s the, um,
what’s the craziest mission you guys have ever been on?
Oh, yeah.
Bali.
Bali.
Bali.
Yeah. [laughs] That was nuts.
What was it?
We, uh…
we had to get someone out of prison.
High security.
No comms. No weapons.
No-no-no cover.
Nothing.
Right? No…
It was just, like, very, very…
[Jane #2] Free fall.
Very, very specific parameters.
[Jane #2] Yeah.
[sniffles]
What’d you guys do?
[liquid pouring]
Here’s something I wish someone had told me early on.
There is a secret
to getting out of any situation you find yourself in,
no matter how tight it is.
It’s your breath.
If you can control your breath,
you can control anything.
That’s the key.
Breathing.
[Jane #2] Mm-hmm.
That’s powerful.
Also, it’s good to have a plan, but be prepared
to abandon it, right?
Be a master at thinking on your feet.
Be smart, trust your instincts,
go with your gut.
Yeah.
Listen.
Listen.
Yeah.
We’re definitely learning that.
Do you guys ever feel weird,
emotionally, after a mission?
Yes.
It’s natural.
We had to kill some other Smiths once.
Wow.
How-how come?
[grunts]
Maybe they’re getting divorced.
[laughs]
Dude, is this just Häagen-Dazs?
He’s joking.
This is so fucking good.
It’s from the farmers market. Some dairy upstate.
Mmm.
Let me see what time it is.
Oh, we’re gonna be late. We got to go.
[John #2] Oh, fuck. Yeah, we’re late.
What?
What?
[Jane #2] Yep.
We’re on the clock.
It’s the middle of the night.
[Jane #2] Okay.
Thank you so much.
This was a beautiful night.
All right.
John.
I am so sorry
that I can’t stay.
You are a hell of a chef.
I just want to say that.
I clean dishes
when I go to other people’s homes, and…
It was amazing.
So, you guys are on a mission?
[John] Thank you so much.
Yeah.
[John] You guys are l… [laughs]
Sorry, we-we drank a lot. You guys are going to…
to-to, on a mission right now?
[John #2] It’s more fun like that.
Oh, my God.
You guys are wild.
[laughter]
[Jane] Yeah. Wow.
[John #2] Actually, wait,
actually…
You know what?
Really?
You two should come.
[Jane #2] Yes. I was gonna say that.
[Jane] Oh, my God.
[Jane #2] That is a great idea.
Is that allowed?
[John #2] Who gives a fuck?
[Jane #2] I don’t know. Yeah, who cares?
[laughter]
[Jane #2] What a way
to give super high-risk a shot.
[John #2] Yeah.
[Jane #2] This is perfect.
[Jane sighs]
[Jane #2] Come on.
[stammers]
[Jane] Is it gonna be insane
if we do this?
[Jane #2] No. No.
You’ll see, it’s like… no.
We’ll split the fee and everything.
And if you like it, you-you request a bump.
If you don’t, you don’t.
I would do it.
You-you want to do it?
Yeah.
I would do it.
Okay, let’s do it.
Let’s do it. All right.
[John #2] Awesome. Okay, let’s go.
Oh, my God.
[John #2] Okay, go get changed.
We’ll meet you out front. I’ll drive. Let’s go.
See you outside.
Let’s go. Ow!
[panting] Okay. Here. Drink this.
Why?
I think they’re doing bumps of coke downstairs.
What? Really?
[laughs] Yeah. Okay.
Here, in case we need ’em.
Are you sure you’re good to do this?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah. [exhales]
Do you think the cheese plate was too much?
[whispers] Are you kidding? No, they loved it.
I feel like they barely touched it.
No.
They didn’t like the apricot chicken. That’s for sure.
No, that was good.
They… no, it wasn’t.
No one likes sweet chicken. I learned that.
They ate it all. It was great.
You did great.
All right, all right.
Okay, I’m gonna change. [exhales]
[♪ Juan Luis Guerra: “El Costo de la Vida”]
Put these on under your clothes.
Somewhere discreet.
Lower back usually works.
They’re trackers.
So we can have a lock on each other’s positions.
Yeah, you’re our new friends. We can’t lose you.
[soft laughter]
[tires screech]
What’s the assignment?
It’s something really easy.
Just something to dip your feet in the water.
It’s a delivery.
Eyes on the road. [laughs]
[tires screech]
But it’s a…
it’s a super high-risk delivery.
Super high-risk!
[both laugh]
Okay. Let’s go.
We got to carry these bags. This is for you.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Not that heavy, I hope.
Thank you, darling.
This is for you.
Okay.
[grunts] [laughs]
Nope. It’s okay.
Okay, let’s go.
[John] All right.
Let’s go!
[John] Yeah.
[Jane] Yay!
[Jane #2] Who-Who’s here tonight? Do you know?
[John #2] It’s probably Gary.
Gary. Oh, my God,
I love Gary so much.
What’s in the bags?
Uh, GPS.
And guns.
IPhones.
And guns.
Uh, yeah.
Are we going far?
[Jane #2] I don’t know.
I mean, we’ll ask Gary.
[grunts]
All right, let’s go.
Hey, Gary, how long?
[Gary] About as long as the last time, ma’am.
All right. You know what? I’m gonna sit…
No more than a few hours.
Yeah.
Dawn at the latest.
It’ll end by dawn at the latest.
[Jane #2] Make sure you leave the bags when you land.
[John #2] With the guys.
[Jane #2] Please.
You… Are you guys not coming with us?
No. No.
No. No.
Oh, uh…
It’ll be easy. Guys.
Yeah.
Enjoy. Have fun.
Be in the moment. Have fun.
It’ll be easy.
It’s gonna be great, okay?
This isn’t what I thought.
I think you guys should… I’m not gonna do it.
We’ll check in with you after.
[John] But I didn’t…
But leave your…
That’s not what we thought…
[Jane] Wait, what?
[indistinct chatter]
[Jane #2] Leave your phones in the helo!
[dialogue inaudible]
[helicopter whirring]
[cheering]
♪ ♪
[Gary] The jungle’s a hot zone,
so I’m gonna drop you off and circle back.
Fuel’s tight, so I’ll be back for extraction
in 30 minutes sharp.
Mm.
[animals chittering]
It’s supposed to be here.
[rustling]
John?
[Spanish chatter]
[speaks Spanish]
John y Jane?
[whistles, speaks Spanish]
[Jane] Okay…
[dogs barking]
[speaking Spanish]
[Spanish chatter]
Okay.
[Jane] Okay, okay, all right, all right.
[John] O-O-Okay, okay.
It’s okay. It’s okay.
[guns cock]
Whatever happens, I love you.
[Jane] [crying] I love you, too.
[overlapping shouting]
[woman screaming]
[knife slicing]
[man groans]
[Jane panting]
[phone ringing]
Oh. Hey.
[Jane #2] Oh.
Hey.
[John #2] There he is.
[Jane #2] Hi.
Not too bad, right?
Um…
It was pretty bad. It was pretty bad.
Yeah, the…
Their boss was not too happy to see us.
I think they were expecting to see you.
Oh.
Fuck. The Captain?
The boss. The guy who wasn’t a child.
They’re not children.
They’re 17 or 19 years old.
Yeah.
[Jane #2] I’m gonna get some water. Do you want anything?
[John #2] No, no, I’m good.
So how… uh…
Man. H-How did you get out alive?
It’s… I’m-I’m impressed.
We had to use a machete.
It was pretty horrible.
[John #2 groans]
Well, John.
Yeah.
They’re young.
Probably easier to fight off, right?
No, on the boss.
We didn’t chop up any kids.
Oh.
[Jane #2] What’s he saying?
They killed the Captain.
With a machete.
[Jane #2] Shit.
But that’s not… It’s all right for us, right?
[John #2] Yeah. It’s, uh, it’s all right.
[Jane #2] You know, we should just be doing our own thing
from now on. Just the two of us.
[John #2] Yeah, uh…
[Jane #2] Hey, listen.
Since you guys, um, did most of the work,
y-you really should have all of the earnings.
It’s only fair.
Uh, all right. Yes. Uh…
Thanks.
[John #2] Yeah. We’ll transfer the money.
[Jane #2] Wire transfer.
[John #2] Yeah, we’ll transfer the money, right.
Okay. You guys look tired. Let’s, uh, go rest.
Thanks, guys. You’re really looking out for us.
[John #2] Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hey, hey, hey, John, okay.
Guess what I read.
What?
Eminem opened up a restaurant called Mom’s Spaghetti.
[laughs] It’s, like, it’s a cool evolution, right?
Yeah. It’s-it’s very cool.
[John #2] All right.
[Jane #2] Okay.
[John #2] Okay, guys, okay.
[Jane #2] Bye.
[John #2] Much love. See you soon.
[Jane #2] Bye.
[John #2] Bye-bye.
All right, bye.
[phone chimes]
[cash register sound effect]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
[♪ Tchaikovsky: “Swan Theme” from Swan Lake]
[John] What are you doing?
[sighs] Trying to cry.
♪ ♪
Is it working?
No.
[music stops]
No.
[sighs]
I called you a robot.
You’re not, you’re not a robot.
I don’t, I just want you to know that.
I know you’re not a robot
’cause you get jealous.
[laughs] ‘Cause what?
You get jealous.
[laughs] No, I don’t.
No, I don’t.
Runi has two hands.
Always has.
[laughs] It was a good lie.
Whatever.
Such a whatever.
You fell for it.
You said she… [laughs]
You said th…
You said she had one hand.
I mean, it was good.
It was a good lie.
It was good.
If you had told me 15 minutes later,
I would’ve been like, “Nah,” but it was quick.
Good job.
And you fell for it.
I fell for it.
And you dated her.
[laughs]
And you… you questioned it.
I did. You got me.
Earlier you said you loved me.
Right before the machete.
Yeah, you did, too.
Yeah, but we were about to die.
So you didn’t mean it?
No, I do.
You do what?
[laughs] I do love you.
That’s cool.
[both laugh]
Say “I…”
Ow!
[both laugh]
Say it.
[laughs]
I like this. I like…
I mean, you don’t…
[grunts]
“I love you.”
I love you, Jane.
Do you mean it?
Yeah.
[exhales]
So stupid.
[both laugh softly]
I really…
I really didn’t like those two.
I hate those two people.
You do?
I hate them.
So much.
So much. They suck.
They’re not cool.
No!
They’re not cool at all.
No.
That’s what’s so cra… It’s like a weird spell
that you…
I don’t know what happened.
Why were we so into them?
I…
I really don’t know. They were so…
That snee… sneezing thing?
Oh, the sneezing.
We clapped for that.
We clapped. We were so into it.
We-we clapped. We were like,
“Why? Is that a… that’s your thing?”
It’s like, “Oh, we go to parties
and we sneeze.”
In threes.
And it was like, I… In threes.
I think that he faked the last one.
Yeah.
The first two, I’m like, “Okay, real.” The last one…
He couldn’t get it out, no.
He couldn’t get it out.
He was like, “Uh, there’s all this…”
[imitates sneeze]
[both laughing]
It’s his accent.
It is.
You-you want to help him.
I know.
You feel, like, you forgive so much.
He’d be like… [stammering]
Oh, my…
[with accent] “You… All you have to do
is breathe.”
[laughing]
“And you can get through anything.”
And you, like…
You were like,
you were like, “Uh, what?”
[laughing] No!
No! That was you.
You ga… you did the, you did this head shake.
You were like, “This is too good.”
He said something…
I did the head shake,
which is embarrassing.
That we’ve been doing our entire lives.
He made it feel like magic.
[laughs]
He made it feel like we had never done it before.
I know.
I was, like, “Breathing, of course.
Why didn’t I think about that?”
[both laugh]
Oh, my God.
[sighs]
[laughs]
Yo, fuck those guys.
I know.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
