Alex “Hitch” is a professional “date doctor” who coaches other men in the art of wooing women, with the main focus of having genuine long-term relationships. He is very successful at what he does until he meets Albert (a man in love), Sara (a gossip columnist) and Vance Munson (a shallow misogynist). Things are not going as planned.
* * *
[SAM COOKE’S “(WHAT A) WONDERFUL WORLD” PLAYS]
[ALARM RINGING]
HITCH: Basic principles: No woman wakes up saying: “God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today.”
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Now, she might say, “This is a really bad time for me.”
Or something like, “I just need some space.”
Or my personal favorite: “I’m really into my career right now.”
You believe that? Neither does she.
You know why? Because she’s lying to you, that’s why.
You understand me? Lying.
It’s not a bad time for her. She doesn’t need any space.
She may be into her career, but what she’s really saying is, “Get away from me now.”
Or possibly, “Try harder, stupid.”
But which one is it?
[BARKS]
HITCH: Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal. Body language. Thirty percent is your tone. So that means that 90 percent of what you’re saying ain’t coming out of your mouth.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Toby! Toby!
Shit!
Of course she’s gonna lie to you. She’s a nice person, she doesn’t wanna hurt your feelings.
What else is she gonna say? She doesn’t even know you.
Yet.
HITCH: Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn’t know what she wants until she sees it. And that’s where I come in. My job is to open her eyes.
WOMAN: Toby!
Oh, my God!
[HORN HONKING]
Oh! Oh.
Is this what you’re looking for?
Basic principles: No matter what, no matter when, no matter who, any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. Just needs the right broom.
[JIMMY CLIFF’S “YOU CAN GET IT IF YOU REALLY WANT” PLAYS]
You cannot use what you do not have. So if you’re shy, be shy. If you’re outgoing, be outgoing.
I’m not outgoing.
That’s okay.
She may not want the whole truth, but she does want the real you.
She may not want to see it all at once, but she does want to see it.
So tonight, when you’re wondering what to say or how you look, or whether or not she likes you, just remember, she is already out with you. That means she said yes when she could have said no. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. So that means it is no longer your job to try to make her like you. It is your job not to mess it up.
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
The shoes are hot. You went to the place I told you, right?
Yeah, but I don’t think they’re really me.
“You” is a very fluid concept right now.
You bought the shoes. You look great in the shoes.
That’s the you I’m talking about.
[MARTHA REEVES & THE VANDELLAS’ “IT’S EASY TO FALL IN LOVE (WITH A GUY LIKE YOU)” PLAYS]
HITCH: Now, the key tonight is hang back.
Give her plenty of space.
If she lingers at a photograph, move on.
But maintain the visual.
It’s supposed to be 64 and clear tonight.
So when you leave the club, walk a little.
Ask her what she thought about the show, what was her favorite photograph, why that one.
And when she answers, don’t be looking at her mouth.
Don’t be wondering what she looks like naked.
Listen to what she is saying and respond.
Listen and respond. Listen and respond.
HITCH: That way, when it’s your turn to talk, you’ll have something better to say than, “I like your mouth”
What was your favorite one?
The elephant, definitely.
HITCH: And all of a sudden, we’re on date number two.
[THE O’JAYS’ “LOVE TRAIN” PLAYS]
Ready.
[BOWLING PINS CLATTERING]
No way.
We’re going back in there. You have to smile.
In case you didn’t go to high school, hitting is a good thing.
HITCH: So how does it happen, great love?
Are you okay?
HITCH: Nobody knows.
I’m good.
Let me get a Bomb Pop and a Screwball for the lady.
HITCH: But what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye.
[YELLS]
HITCH: One moment, you’re enjoying your life.
And the next, you’re wondering how you ever lived without them.
Three dates is all I need.
Three dates, and I’ll get you here, to the high-stakes medal round, where eight out of 10 women believe that the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship.
[ALARM RINGING]
After that, you’re on your own.
But always remember life is not the amount of breaths you take. It’s the moments that take your breath away.
SARA: Did I call it or did I call it?
I mean, what did I say, six months?
And when was her first date?
So five and a half? God, I hate it when I’m right.
I mean, what is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks even when they’re going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole?
I mean, she’s only the single most fabulous thing walking around New York.
Thanks, Young.
Have a good day.
Are you kidding? Of course I’m gonna run it.
Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat?
Even if he is gorgeous.
Hey, if he’s stupid enough to cheat, then the world should know he’s dumb enough to get caught.
Exactly. I’m in the elevator. I’ll see you in a minute.
Good morning, how are you?
WOMAN: Great, Sara.
Bitter, party of one.
[LAUGHS]
SARA: Hey, you should try it sometime.
Barbados by myself?
I wouldn’t last five minutes.
It was just what the doctor ordered.
I slept in, I did my yoga, I read a couple of books, I flirted with my scuba instructor.
And apparently never left the office.
I know, isn’t that great?
You should’ve taken someone with you.
Who? Who am I gonna take with me?
This is where a boyfriend comes in handy.
I don’t have time for a boyfriend. Hi.
You said that two years ago.
Yes, and it’s as true today as it was then.
MAN: Hey.
Hey.
I thought you were on vacation.
See if these are in focus.
Have them on my desk in an hour.
Cool.
Besides, relationships are for people that are just waiting for something better to come along.
Ah, spoken like a true cynic.
I’m not a cynic. I’m a realist.
You are a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist. What are you doing here? What is she doing here?
She works here, remember?
No, she doesn’t. Not for another four days.
Well, this couldn’t wait.
Of course it could. What are you doing? Go back to the beach. I don’t want you here.
Oh. No, really, you do.
You are becoming a sick, workaholic lunatic, and this is exactly the kind of nervous, overwrought behavior that leads to–
Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.
A very, very big raise.
Jesus. You could find dirt in a snowstorm.
Comes with the job.
You know, kiddo, there is more to life than watching other people live it.
Can I help he was cheating on my beach?
Hey, I think that it’s great that you’re so good at your job. I’m just a little worried as to why.
Let me worry about that.
Okay. I want that column on my desk by lunch.
Does that mean you’re gonna pay for my hotel?
For you to sip mai tais? I don’t think so. Get out.
[CHATTERING]
[KEVIN LYTTLE’S “TURN ME ON” PLAYS]
Oh, come on!
What?
That’s good, right?
No.
No, it was in and it freaked out.
You know what your problem is, Hitch? You’re all about the short game. You pick your shots based on what you see first, not what’s necessarily best for you… in the long run.
Well, all of us are not married to the woman of our dreams and about to have a baby. You know, I’m very happy for you. It’s just not meant for everybody. So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty, totally varied, wildly experimental short game.
I was just talking about pool, but, you know, whatever.
Yeah, okay.
Honestly, I just hope one day you’re able to experience the unconditional love, trust and openness that I share with Grace every single day.
Is this really barroom talk?
You need to listen to me. I’m serious. Because when you get to a place with a woman like that, it’s so beyond anything physical that when I think back to when I used to run around with you and chase all these really gorgeous but shallow women… I don’t know, it’s kind of ridiculous and vaguely pathetic.
[WOMEN LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
Yeah, I see what you mean. That’s pathetic. That’s pathetic.
Uh-huh.
SARA: So how’d you meet him?
I was in La Perla just buying some weekend thongs.
And he was doing likewise?
No. Well, yeah. Actually, he said he was buying something for his mom.
His mom?
Mm-hm.
Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie for their mother?
Well, maybe he was looking for a robe.
Oh, Casey. Casey, he was hitting on you while he was buying lingerie for another woman.
Well, I prefer the mother story.
I know you prefer it, but that’s not the point.
No, the point is I’m not gonna start out assuming the guy’s a liar.
Why not?
Because that’s how you wind up…
Like me? Is that what you were gonna say? Yeah.
No. I was gonna say, “Like you.”
What’s his name?
Why?
I’m gonna Google him.
No. Google your own guy.
Let’s just see if his mother’s still alive.
So when is Grace due again?
Soon.
HITCH: You excited?
What’d you say?
Do you want me to bring them over here?
No. No, don’t do that.
Whoa. Are you saying you don’t wanna talk to them because you can’t go home with them?
Hey, I’m just trying to keep my head above water.
Did you ever hear of this guy they call the Date Doctor?
Urban myth.
Really?
Absolutely.
I was kind of hoping he also helped women.
Casey, you’re not sick. You’re single. You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.
I haven’t been ridden in months.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
On that happy note, I’m gonna go see if anybody interesting came in tonight.
Oh, you mean, besides me.
Right.
Bye.
I’ll go get those girls, bring them over here, we’ll have a conversation like human beings. Then you’re gonna home, and I’ll take them back to my apartment.
Well, that sounds like fun for me. But you might want to get in line, pal.
WOMAN: Hey, girl.
Hey, how are you?
Hey, baby, can I get a couple Coronas at the pool table, please? Thanks.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Lime wedges in the bottle’s fine.
Hey, asshole, I don’t work here.
Wow. I’m sorry. The paramedics are gonna have to come to get my foot out of my mouth, sweetheart.
Just don’t let it happen again.
I knew you didn’t work here.
You did?
How else was I supposed to get you away from all those guys?
Why would you want to do that?
HITCH: Some guys naturally develop a comfort with the opposite sex. They like women, women like them. Everything flows naturally. Back in college, I was just not one of them.
[FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS’ “SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY” PLAYS]
I seemed to lack the basic understanding that my peers just intuitively grasped. But like any late bloomer, I was eager to make up for lost time. Her name was Cressida Baylor.
Can you tell me where the registration building is?
Yeah.
HITCH: And my life would never be the same.
I’m Alex.
Cressida.
[GIGGLES]
HITCH: What we had was beautiful.
I love you. I love you so much.
I love you too, Alex.
I know you don’t love me as much as I love you. But that’s okay. I’m just glad you love me at all.
HITCH: In retrospect, I guess I may have come on a little strong.
[CRESSIDA MOANING]
But the experience taught me a lot.
Cressida!
What–? What are you–? What are you doing?
I’m sorry, Alex.
But I love you. What did I do wrong? Just tell me what I did wrong.
Dude, you’re doing it right now.
Cressida.
CRESSIDA: Alex, I’m sorry.
HITCH: Cressida!
I’m sorry.
HITCH: And it’s an education I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men.
[♪♪♪]
Because with no guile and no game, there’s no girl. And if ever there was a man born without game, it was Albert Brennaman.
Oh!
HITCH: My business is 100 percent referral. And, thus far, untraceable. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, when you orchestrate, coordinate and otherwise mess with fate, it’s best to fly under the radar.
I hope she’s single because I don’t do break-ups.
Hi. Thank you for seeing me. Yeah, no. I mean, she just got out of a relationship. Is that a problem? Because if it is, that’s fine. I’m a little uncomfortable with this anyway. Definitely been hurt a lot. I had a lot of bad experiences. Some good ones. But definitely a lot of bad ones. I’m desperate, basically. I mean, not in general, you understand? You know, not just for anybody. But, man, for her… Yeah.
Why don’t you tell me about her?
Oh.
All right, well, let’s see, what can I say? My company handles her finances. I’m her tax consultant. Well, I’m one of them. I’m the junior man on the account.
So does she know you’re interested?
Oh, no, no, no. No.
Alive?
I lent her my pen once.
Shoot. Does anyone have a pen?
MAN: Here, take mine.
Albert, you’re crushing my arm.
Sorry about that. Here you go, Allegra.
Here, Allegra.
Thank you.
[ALL GROANING]
Allegra? As in Allegra Cole?
Yeah, I realize that I’m not her usual type.
Well, her last boyfriend, like, owned Sweden or something.
Yeah, and the guy was a bum. He didn’t seem like a very nice person to me.
You swing for the fence.
Look, you don’t think I tried talking myself out of this? I mean, you don’t think I know how ridiculous this is? I know, okay? I just thought that maybe with your help-I just…
[♪♪♪]
You know what? I’m really sorry I wasted your time.
[ALBERT GRUNTING]
Hold on a second, Albert.
You know what it’s like getting up every morning feeling hopeless? Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness even if it’s never gonna be with you?
You are flat-out out of your mind. You know that?
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
That’s good.
It is? It’s good?
You ever heard of Michelangelo?
Yeah.
Heard of the Sistine Chapel?
Yeah.
Michelangelo. Sistine Chapel.
You saying you can do this?
My name is Alex Hitchens. Let’s go paint that ceiling.
[♪♪♪]
Take it easy, man. Take it easy.
Oh, my God! Oh, God.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Well, it looks like I’m still rich.
[ALL LAUGHING]
But what I would really like, and what I was wondering is… if I could have $500,000 to invest on my own.
O’BRIAN: Oh? And what were you thinking of investing in, Allegra?
Well, it’s something that I really have a passion for.
[♪♪♪]
[LAUGHING]
HITCH: Daydreams are for private time. When you’re in the room, be in the room. Concentrate. Focus. Women respond when you respond to them.
My friend Maggie is a really talented designer.
Mm-hm.
I’ve seen the business plan. And the samples look fantastic. And I would really, really like to get involved.
I’ll tell you what. Let us come up with a range of investments that we think you might be interested in. And next month, we’ll run the whole lot of them by you. Hm?
Okay.
O’BRIAN: Fine. Thank you. All right, gentlemen.
[♪♪♪]
Let’s go over this one more time. What is the objective?
Shock and awe.
That was shockingly awful. What is the objective?
Shock and awe.
What is the objective?
Excuse me, sir.
Yes, Albert? Yes, Albert.
I don’t really agree with that.
You don’t really agree with what?
[♪♪♪]
I think if you want to invest $500,000 in your friend’s business, that’s exactly what you should do.
Albert!
You don’t need us to tell you what to do. We’re a board of advisers, we’re not your kindergarten teachers. If you want to be taken seriously as an adult, I suggest you start taking yourself seriously as an adult instead of asking for permission to invest your own money from a boardroom full of your daddy’s golf buddies.
That’s quite enough!
I’m not finished. I’d like to see anybody in this room handle the attention and publicity that she’s had to deal with her whole life, with half her class. We should be taking advice from you, Miss Cole. Not the other way around.
Sit down–
No! You know what? I quit!
[♪♪♪]
[WHISPERS] Oh, my God.
Just breathe. Just breathe. How’d it go?
I yelled at her. I screamed at my boss! I quit my job!
What?
You said… I gotta go back.
No, I didn’t tell you to quit. Relax. Okay, listen, we’re fine.
Would you let me go?
Albert, no! Just relax! Okay? Just let it marinate for a second. Trust me.
No!
Albert! Albert! Albert!
[YELLING]
Relax. Relax.
[KNOCKING]
ALLEGRA: It’s Allegra Cole.
Answer it.
ALLEGRA: Could I speak to you?
Answer the door, Albert.
[SQUEALING]
Oh.
[COUGHING]
ALBERT: Yes. Hi.
What’s up?
Listen, Albert, right? Um… People don’t usually talk to me like that. Okay?
[WHISPERING] Close your mouth, man.
Let me rephrase that. People never talk to me like that.
[STAMMERS]
Stand up.
Mm-hm.
I guess it’s kind of scary for them. But that’s why I really appreciate what you did in there.
[♪♪♪]
But I was wondering, do you think that you and I could get together sometime this week? You know, to go over things. Financial things. You see, I’d like to see the areas where I can afford to take some risks.
Check your schedule.
I’ll check my schedule, Miss Cole.
Great. Let me give you my number. Do you have a pen? I don’t think I have one.
Yes, I do.
Great.
Oh, and call me Allegra.
You’re done.
[WHISPERS] Goodbye.
[GROANS]
Good job. Albert?
[THUD]
Oh, damn.
[EVERYTHING BUT THE GIRL’S “FIVE FATHOMS” PLAYS]
[CHATTERING]
She’s some kind of newspaper columnist. Comes in here once in a while. Great tipper.
What’s her drink?
Usually beer. Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty.
Hi. I noticed your glass was getting low, so I took the liberty of bringing you another apple martini.
Thank you.
And I couldn’t help but notice you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
What’s your name?
They call me Chip.
Oh, you can’t get them to stop?
[CHUCKLES]
That was funny.
Listen, Chip, I understand the courage it takes to walk across a room and try to generate a relationship out of thin air. So don’t take the following personally.
You have fantastic eyes.
Thanks. Try to listen. This is no reflection on you. I’m just not interested. But thank you for the compliment of coming over.
You’re welcome. So do you like Cuban food?
Chip, seriously, that was not code for, “I wish you’d try harder.”
Are you always so shut-down and afraid that the right man might make you–
HITCH: Feel like a natural woman?
[CHUCKLING]
Sorry I’m late, honey. I couldn’t get a cab. How was the meeting?
Well, there was a beginning, a middle and an end. Nice to meet you, Chip.
You too.
Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But on the other hand, should that be your problem?
So life’s kind of hard all around.
Well, not if you pay attention. You’re sending all the right signals: No earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn’t do it. And if that wasn’t clear enough, there’s always the “fuck off” you have stamped on your forehead. Who’d believe there’s a man out there that can sit down beside a woman he doesn’t know and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does without his own agenda?
Yeah. I wouldn’t even know what that would look like. So, what would a guy like that say?
He’d say, “My name is Alex Hitchens and I’m a consultant.” But she wouldn’t be interested in that because she’d be counting the seconds until he left.
Thinking he was like every other guy.
Which, life experience has taught her, is a virtual certainty. But then he’d ask her name and what she did for a living and she might blow him off. Or she might say…
I’m Sara Melas. I run the gossip column at the Standard. And then he’d ask all these penetrating questions about it because he was sincerely, if atypically, interested.
No.
No?
He’d be interested.
Oh.
But he’d see that there was no way he could possibly make her realize that he was for real.
Well, he could be funny and charming and refreshingly original.
Wouldn’t help.
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Not really.
They’d both probably go on to lead the lives they were headed toward. My guess is they’d do just fine. It’s a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.
Grey Goose martini from the gentleman who just left.
Ooh, is that for me?
What?
[CHUCKLES]
[PATRONS CHATTERING]
Vance Munson. Sorry I’m late.
Oh, no. Uh, not a problem. Wow, you’re the…?
Can I get you a drink, Mr…?
No, I’m fine, thank you. So tell me about her.
Have you ever met someone and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you? Not just because of her looks, but that X factor.
Mm. How’d you meet her?
Actually, I was in a shop buying pajamas for my mom.
And by that, of course, you mean you were buying lingerie for another woman.
Yeah. Yes. You can’t help where you meet somebody. And the lingerie is for a woman I’m no longer seeing.
Oh, no.
But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about, she’s so sweet, funny, Southern. She gives me her number. Now she won’t return my phone calls. I don’t know what it is about her. I just can’t get her out of my mind. You know, food has lost its taste. Colors, you know, they seem dull. Things that used to matter… I don’t know, they just no longer do. I think things aren’t gonna snap back unless I… Unless I bang her.
Excuse me?
You know, bang her. Clear my head. Get in, get off, get out.
I think you may have misunderstood what I do exactly.
No, l was told you help guys get in there.
Right. But, see, here’s the thing. My clients actually like women.
Hm.
Hit it and quit it is not my thing.
Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi. I need professional help.
Well, that is for damn certain. And I’m glad you can admit it because generally that’s the hardest part.
You see what I’m doing? This is what I’m about. Power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.
Oh. So that’s, like, a metaphor.
Oh, yeah.
Right. Well, see, I’m more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this…
[GROANS]
…this is more like me saying that I will literally break your shit off if you ever touch me again. Okay, pumpkin?
Got it.
SARA: Mm-hm. No. No. Pablo, I can’t just mention your restaurant. Somebody has to eat there. No, somebody famous. You know that.
Sara Melas?
No. No. Okay. Bye.
I need your signature.
HITCH [ON RADIO]: I hate it when a guy calls a girl who did not give him her number. So this is me not calling. Over.
Yes, you’re right. This is much less invasive.
Listen, I’ve been thinking about that sign on your forehead. I was wondering if you’d mind taking it down for dinner Friday night. Over.
Ooh, I can’t. I have a couple parties I have to hit.
HITCH: Gossip never sleeps.
SARA: Not till about 4:00 a.m.
Saturday.
[MOUTHS] You have a date.
I, um… I have a date.
Do you know the definition of “perseverance,” Miss Melas?
An excuse to be obnoxious?
HITCH: Continuing in a course of action without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure. Over.
Okay, Webster, how do I get rid of you?
Breakfast, Sunday. And you can barely even call that a date. You’d do that with out-of-town relatives that you don’t even like. Over.
[WHISPERS] Come on.
Okay, I guess I could do Sunday.
You forgot to say “over.” Over.
This conversation’s over as soon as you tell me when and where.
Seven a.m., North Cove Marina. Over and out.
Seven a.m.? No, are you crazy? I don’t do 7 a.m.
Hello?
MESSENGER: Sign here.
What?
You said Sunday, right?
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
What if I would have said Friday?
Sunday.
So I guess you’re not going to church.
Do you really expect me to wear this?
It’ll be awful cold out there without it. Good morning.
“Good” would have been at 10.
You’re a lot taller than I remember.
You ever ride one of these?
Not on the Hudson.
So, what do you wanna do? Race me around the Statue of Liberty?
If there’s time.
But you might need these.
Uh-oh. All right.
Bam.
Wow.
How do I look?
Fabulous.
All right, I give.
Where do I change?
So we’ll go past the wall, then take a left. It’s pretty much a straight shot from there.
Straight shot to where?
That’s for me to know, you to find out. What you do with these babies is–
Yeah, what I do with this baby is kick your ass.
[CHEERS]
[JOHN LEGEND’S “DON’T YOU WORRY ‘BOUT A THING” PLAYS]
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
Hey! Hey!
[WHISTLING]
What happened? You change your mind?
It just died.
[LAUGHS]
Did you put gas in it?
No. You know, I think it must have sucked up a diaper or something.
Gross. Try it again.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
[SARA LAUGHS]
You want me to call AAA?
Come on around and let me hop on with you.
I don’t know. What if you break mine too? Then we’ll both be sitting ducks.
I didn’t break it. It just died.
Yeah, yeah. All right, hop on.
Scoot back.
Hitch, I’m already here.
Yeah. But you don’t know where we’re going.
Why don’t you tell me? Then we’ll both know.
Sara.
Man, male egos. I don’t know how you guys make it through the day with them.
What? It is not my ego. I just don’t want to ruin the surprise.
Whatever.
Ah!
Ooh!
Sara! Sara!
[GASPING]
I’m sorry. Are you all right?
There. I always keep a few of those around.
Thank you.
l have lower back trouble. I just shove the ice packs right down there.
Ooh.
No, no, no. That’s a fresh one.
[ALL LAUGHING]
So Ellis Island.
I have to admit, I have lived in New York my whole life, and I’ve never been here.
I figured that. Most people haven’t. So I got my man Larry here to set us up a private tour.
Oh, great!
Anything for Hitch.
[♪♪♪]
LARRY: It was originally known as Oyster Island. The island was expanded to its present size with dirt removed during the construction of the New York subway system.
Are you serious?
Yes.
Did you know this?
Yeah. That’s why I brought you here.
In fact, over 100 million Americans can trace their ancestry back to a single man, woman or child on the ship’s manifest to an inspector’s ledger. By 1910, 75 percent of the residents of New York, Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland and Boston were immigrants, or the children of immigrants. They generally lived in the poorest sections of the cities: In Little ltalys, Chinatowns and other ethnic enclaves.
It’s called The Kissing Post. The plaque explains how different cultures kiss after long absences.
Now, what exactly would qualify as a long absence? I mean… That count?
No.
I, um… I actually had a relative come through here.
Really?
Yeah.
What?
What?
What was that thing?
No. You know, I was just thinking that you can’t really know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been. Ain’t that right, Larry?
Amen, brother.
That’s kind of deep for a first date, don’t you think?
[LAUGHING]
What is that?
[♪♪♪]
Oh, my God! That’s my great-great-grandfather. That’s his signature. Jesus, it’s right here! How did you–? How did you know? Hitch did the search. I just found the page.
[CRYING]
[SOBBING]
I’m sorry.
I saw that going differently in my mind.
So my family never saw him again. Well, except for on the wanted posters.
Look, I’m really sorry. When I saw it on the computer, it said, “The Butcher of Cádiz.” You know… I thought it was a profession, not a headline.
It’s just one of those horrible family legacies we’ve all tried to forget. But thank you. No, it was…
A train wreck.
No.
Let me get you a cab.
SARA: Thanks. Bye.
Bye-bye.
Taxi!
[PINK MARTINI’S “AMADO MIO” PLAYS]
CASEY: Poor guy. Sounds like he went to a lot of trouble.
It was fun. In a disastrous kind of way.
I mean, this isn’t exactly a hickey.
Ouch.
At least you got a good story out of it, right? Right? You should try mine, it’s great.
Wait. You’re seeing him again?
Well, look, you said that I’m always expecting men to let me down, right? Assuming that they’re gonna fail?
Which he did.
Yeah, but he did it with flair. I mean, Case, he really tanked.
And that’s a desirable trait?
Yeah. Weird, huh?
HITCH: Now, just keep it simple. Just like we practiced. We’re just leaving a message. Okay? Women like Allegra Cole don’t pick up numbers they don’t recognize.
[SIGHS]
ALLEGRA [ON PHONE]: Hello?
[WHISPERING] She’s on the phone!
[WHISPERS] Albert–
Yes. Hello, Miss Cole?
ALLEGRA: Yes?
Hi, I have Albert Brennaman for you. One moment, please.
[WHISPERS] No. Tell her I’m at lunch.
We called her to tell her you’re at lunch?
Allegra. Hi, it’s Albert Brennaman.
Hi, how are you?
Good. Good. I’m doing good. The reason I’m calling is about our appointment this Wednesday. Not gonna be able to make it.
Oh, uh… Well, when can you make it?
When can I do it? Uh… I don’t even know, because my whole next week is slammed. Right. But it’s all good. Yeah, it’s all good. Uh-huh. No, we’re gonna make it happen though, that’s for sure. We’re gonna make it happen. Yes.
Oh. Are–? What’s going on over there?
ALBERT: Just moving some things around.
Sky Studios.
Tonight I’m actually going to this fashion thing at Sky Studios.
Designer friend.
Yeah. I just thought it might be something your designer friend would be interested in.
Yeah, definitely.
Well, great. Then I will put you back on with my–
[MARK RONSON’S “OOH WEE” PLAYS]
MAN 1: Allegra, over here.
MAN 2: Miss Cole, this way.
MAN 1: Great. One more.
Hi there.
This was a fantastic idea.
I suppose. Hey, where’s Maggie?
Late as usual.
HITCH: Tonight I want you to meditate on the image of an iceberg. Do you know why I want you to do that?
Because I’m cool?
No.
I know, I’m not.
Uh, I’m saying that you are an iceberg in that over 90 percent of your mass is below the surface.
I know I’m heavy. I am.
HITCH: I’m talking about who you are. It’s a metaphor. Accounting, business, all of that is just a small part of a much deeper, richer Albert.
One more.
Okay.
All right. Now, it’s gonna be loud in there, so this is our opportunity to break the touch barrier in a non-sleazy way. So get to where it’s loudest. Ask her if she’d like a drink. Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back and say it in her ear like a secret. Watch your hand placement. Too high says, “I just wanna be friends.” Too low says, “I just wanna grab some ass.”
Okay. Friends. Ass. Me.
Wow.
Hey. Hey, yeah. Ooh, that is…
Special issues: Allegra Cole is a celebrity, which means that when people talk to her, they’ll ignore you completely. She’s classy, so she’ll introduce you. When she does, shake hands hard and speak up. Let them know you’re there. Show her you can handle being her escort.
Egon, this is Albert.
How you doing?
Albert, this is Zak.
Nice to see you.
These guys are friends with Maggie.
Oh.
Have you been to that new Brazilian restaurant?
No, but I am–
It’s disgusting. I’m writing an article about it. Did you see the new installation at MOMA?
Yes, did you think–?
It’s disgusting. Disgusting.
Women can always tell when you’re not being real with them. Worst thing you can do is try to fake it, because you are a great guy. And you do have something to offer Allegra that no other man does.
What was your name, Eggnog?
Egon.
What do you think of the design of the Jets’ new football stadium on the West Side?
Uh…
Let me guess. Disgusting?
Think it over. We’ll be back.
Thank you. I can’t stand those guys.
Really? I kind of liked them.
But when all is said and done, tonight is not about Allegra.
It’s not?
No. Tonight is about Maggie. A woman’s best friend has to sign off on all big relationship decisions. So you can’t afford to mess this up.
Albert, I want you to meet my friend, Maggie.
Hi, Maggie. It’s an absolute pleasure to meet you.
I’m Maggie.
No, you’re not.
Actually, I am.
Magnus Forester. Thank you so much for inviting us.
You have very soft hands.
Thank you.
Wow. So do you.
Thank you.
So tonight, you focus on one thing and one thing only.
Maggie.
Where does your inspiration come from?
Oh, my God.
Anything I see.
Something in a magazine, out on the street, in an old movie.
Mm. The receptive nature of the creative facility just astounds me. Oh. Anybody want any spring rolls? That’s a beautiful tie, by the way. This whole thing, it just works.
Thank you.
Is he gay?
I don’t think so.
I like him.
HITCH: About the DJ. Generally, I have a firm no-dancing policy. But if she asks, you cannot say no.
I’m not worried about dancing. But if there are people there–
I’m sorry, I hate to be a stickler, but I need to be thorough.
Show me what you mean by you’re not worried about it.
Trust me. You know what I’m gonna do.
[USHER’S “YEAH!” PLAYS ON STEREO]
That’s what it’s all about, right there. See how it gets bigger? Now I’m gonna start the fire. But the feet are going. I start the fire, I make the pizza. Hips are always going with it. Can’t get enough hip. From there, the Q-Tip. Q-Tip. Q-Tip. Throw it away.
Mm-hm.
If that’s not working, hit her with this.
[ALBERT WHOOPS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Ooh! Ooh–
Don’t ever… do that again. Do you hear me?
Just expressing myself.
No. No. Mm-mm. Not like that, you’re not, all right?
[USHER’S “YEAH!” PLAYS ON STEREO]
This is where you live. Right here. You live right here, okay? This is home.
None of this.
I don’t wanna see none of that.
Don’t need no pizza. They got food there.
[USHER’S “YEAH!” PLAYS]
Elbows, 6 inches from the waist, 90-degree angles.
Don’t you bite your lip. Stop it.
Okay. Women relate dancing to sex, all right?
Even a great dancer can lose it with one of these.
Okay, see, now that’s what I need to be learning.
Can’t stop it.
You cannot stop it.
Next subject.
Get out.
[CHATTERING]
Thanks.
So are you a Knicks fan?
When they’re good.
Hey
ROSS:Hey
I’m really sorry.
Oh, God. Why?
She was there?
I left you a bunch of messages.
My phone fell in the Hudson.
Yeah, well, it gets worse.
I don’t believe this.
I thought he was a bodyguard.
I’m the only one who will need protection.
Max is gonna–
Gonna be really irritated.
When I got the train this morning, I thought it was gonna be a good day.
Who the hell is Albert Brennaman?
Tell me how this happened.
What? There were some photographers.
Does this even look like dancing to you?
That’s just a little bit of me being me.
No, that’s you being a lot of something you don’t need to ever be again.
It’s just one dance.
No. One dance, one look, one kiss. That’s all we get, Albert. Just one shot to make the difference between happily ever after and: “Oh, he’s just some guy I went to some thing with once.” All right?
What?
You said “kiss.”
Is that a problem?
It’s not a problem, but this is Allegra Cole.
Eight out of 10 women believe that the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship. And believe me, she has definitely thought about it.
She has?
Oh, of course. Not that she’s gonna act on it. So it’s no real big deal.
All right, it’s no big deal then.
It’s a very big deal!
Huge.
Monumental! You are not listen– I need you to wrap your head around this. Tomorrow night, Allegra Cole could have her last first kiss.
[SIGHING]
All right, come on, just show me what you got.
What do you mean?
Just show me how you would kiss me.
Well, I wouldn’t kiss you.
I’m not me, I’m Allegra.
But you’re really not, so…
Okay, Albert, end of the night, you’re dropping me off at home. Show me the magic.
I’m not comfortable with this.
God, Albert, I had such a wonderful time with you.
Yeah, how about those Knicks?
[♪♪♪]
You see what I’m doing? This is a signal. Okay? I’m fiddling with my keys. A woman that doesn’t want a kiss takes her keys out, puts them in the door, goes in the house. A woman that wants the kiss, she fiddles. I’m fiddling.
Okay, you have a good night now–
You see what I’m doing?
Robbing me?
No. This is what most guys do. They rush in to take the kiss. But you’re not most guys. See, the secret to a kiss is to go 90 percent of the way… and then hold.
For how long?
As long as it takes for her to come the other 10.
Okay, 90-10. Got it.
Okay, come on. Shake it off. It’s your turn.
I had a really nice time tonight, Albert.
I had a great time tonight too, Allegra… with a beard.
What’s up?
I’m not feeling it.
What do you mean? I came 90.
I’m not feeling like you want it. Look, I’m Allegra Cole, the woman of your dreams. The woman whose green eyes are limpid pools of desire. Now, show me the magic, Albert. Show me the mag–
What the hell was that?
I’m showing you the magic!
No, I said come 90 and then I come 10!
You don’t go the whole 100!
My mouth was open, Albert. You overeager son of a…
Other than that, how was it?
KATE: They came together, they danced together and they left together.
He’s cute, in a sheepdog kind of way.
For all I know, he’s adorable.
But him dating her is…
You seem stressed.
You and I had an understanding. If you invite Allegra, you’re supposed to call me.
Sara, I didn’t invite her.
Honestly, sweetie, I thought she was still in Europe.
So you invited Albert?
No. Look, it says here the tickets went to some guy named Alex Hitchens.
What?
[WHISPERS] Machine.
Hi, it’s Sara. Um…
[GIGGLES]
I just wanted to say thank you for an unforgettable experience the other day. Um… And if you ever want to see your shirt again, you can come by the Fulton Fish Market tonight, around 8:00. Okay, bye.
Do you think he’ll show?
Yeah.
He’s too much of a player to have a bad date on his record.
Is this a source or a date?
A source.
Well, it sounded like a date.
Well, it was supposed to.
So it-It looks like a date and it sounds like a date, but it’s not a date.
Yeah. Right.
Just checking.
Hi. I wasn’t sure you got my message.
I wasn’t sure you called the right guy. You must be a glutton for punishment.
Either that or I really wanna pay you back. I think this is yours.
Thank you. I’m gonna frame this for my wall of shame.
Really? There’s a whole wall?
HITCH: So, what are we getting into?
Ever been to a food rave before? Happens once a month, all around the city. Different chefs, different venues. You any good in the kitchen?
I can stand the heat, if that’s what you mean.
Good. Because that’s my boss and his wife right over there.
Interesting.
Mm-hm.
Well, here’s a concept: We’re paying to cook our own food.
Here’s another concept: Shut up. It’s an evening out. The longer you’re married, the less you go out. In a couple years, we’re gonna end up bricked into our apartment like a Poe story.
So, Louise, are you in the newspaper business also?
No, I’m a psychiatrist.
Well, uh, that’s the last thing I’m gonna say tonight.
[SARA LAUGHS]
So, Sara, you never told me. How was the Sky Studio fashion thing you went to the other night? Did you meet anyone worth mentioning?
Uh, no. Mm-mm.
Really? I find that very odd.
Max.
I think you’re being odd.
Well, I’m always odd. It’s why you married me. And it’s why I married you. Speaking of which, Hitch, what exactly are your intentions for the lovely Sara?
Wait, you know what? Actually, there was someone. I think I met your friends Albert and Allegra.
My friends who and who?
Allegra Cole? Really? How do you know her?
Um, I don’t.
Oh, so you know Albert?
Well, knew.
He had your tickets.
I mean, how well do you really know your accountant? You know, it’s April 15, and then you don’t see him again till April 15.
[CHUCKLES]
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, a coquille St. Jacques with a lemon butter reduction. Compliments of our chef.
Thank you.
MAN: I’m sure you’re really gonna enjoy this.
Oh.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
That’s really good. Wow.
I’m very impressed.
Why is that?
Well, you know, around these two, people usually can’t wait to name-drop and dish their friends, and you’re being all discreet.
Yeah, it’s quite endearing.
Actually, it is. So why don’t we change the subject?
[CLEARS THROAT]
Whoa. Whoa. Are you all right?
Yeah. No, I’m fine.
So Sara tells me that you’re a consultant, Hitch.
Yeah, mostly marketing, a little advertising, brand management.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I have no idea what that means.
No one does. That’s why I get to charge so much.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Are you sure you’re all right?
Yeah, I’m fine. Hey, is it itchy in here or is it just me?
Oh, I know what’s happening.
No, no. You think that I’m in a stressful state because I’m trying to make a good impression while also dealing with my commitment issues…
[CLEARS THROAT]
…trying to avoid all these awkward conversations.
No, I think you have food allergies.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh!
Wow.
What?
[♪♪♪]
Uh, Benadryl. Where’s the Benadryl?
Aisle two.
SARA: Which one’s aisle two?
The one with the big “two” over it.
Sara, I’m fine.
You sure it’s in aisle two?
CLERK: No.
Really, it is not that serious.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Benadryl.
A lot of Benadryl. A lot.
What? What are you–?
Oh!
[YELLING]
Coquille St. Jacques. Death on a leaf!
[SLURPING]
Come on!
[HITCH SINGING EARTH, WIND & FIRE’S “REASONS”]
[SARA LAUGHING]
SARA: Okay, we’re doing fine. Just a couple more blocks and you get to lie down.
[SINGING OFF-KEY]
Oh, God.
Wait, who sings that song again?
Oh, girl. Earth, Wind & Fire.
Oh, you should let them sing it.
[LAUGHS]
I bet this would be great on the rocks. It’s good, right?
I bet I can ask you just about anything right now.
No. I’m a vault, baby. Locked down.
What is an heiress doing with a CPA?
Oh, they’re going to the Knicks game.
Yep, Fort Knox.
Mmm.
Oh, whoa. Whoa.
He loves her so much!
I’m sure he does.
I’m telling you, people search their whole lives trying to find the…
[SINGING] Reasons that we’re here
I wouldn’t know.
You would if you saw it.
Sometimes it’s really hard to see the forest through the sleaze.
[LAUGHS]
What about you? You ever been in love?
Yep.
But you’re never gonna know that.
[♪♪♪]
Okay. Okay, I think we’ve had enough of the juice box.
Let’s go.
[SINGING]
This is some place.
You live here alone?
Yeah. I actually prefer it that way. What about you?
I haven’t had a roommate since college. And he upped and married my sister.
SARA: Really?
Yeah, they’re gonna have a baby soon.
Oh, Uncle Hitch.
Thank you.
So how do you feel?
Good. Relaxed. So, what about you? Any siblings?
Sister. Maria. Lives in DC.
Uh-huh. Younger, right? I could hear it in your voice. Sort of an innate protective thing.
Yeah, I guess.
What?
She almost died once. I was 10.
[♪♪♪]
We, um… We were skating on the pond behind our house, and she fell through the ice. My dad pulled her out. Gave her mouth-to-mouth. Longest three minutes of my life.
Yeah, I’m sure.
I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten over it.
Kind of defines you, doesn’t it? You know, like, one moment you’re gliding along, the next moment you’re standing in the rain watching your life fall apart.
Except it was snow.
Yeah. That’s what I said, “snow.”
You said “rain.”
Some kind of precipitation.
Is that what happened to you?
[MUMBLES]
Nothing as dramatic as falling through the ice. You know… it definitely…
Left a scar?
Yeah.
I guess it’s best just not to love at all, right?
Or skate.
Hitch?
Are you here?
[GROANS]
Sara, you’re such an idiot! You moron! What the hell did you think? You’re so stupid! You’re so stupid! You gotta learn, Sara. When are you gonna learn–?
HITCH: Should I come back later?
Hi. I thought you left.
Well, I did, but then I came back with breakfast. I figured it was the least that I could do. Um, hey, I didn’t know what you were drinking, so I got a grande cap, a latte, an Earl Grey tea and something with “chai” in the title.
Uh, tea for me.
Tea. Yes! I was hoping you’d say that.
Oh, God. You’re a morning person, aren’t you?
Well, like I always tell my clients: Begin each day as if it were on purpose.
Wow. Beautiful day.
Yeah.
Beautiful girl.
Thank you.
Well, I’m this way.
Oh, I’m that way.
Give me a ring sometime.
I mean, on the phone.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Yeah. No, I definitely will.
[♪♪♪]
Good.
Um, I gotta go to work. Okay.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Hey. Can you believe what a beautiful day it is…
[SOBS]
…not?
What’s wrong, pumpkin?
I’m so stupid.
I ignored your advice. I went on that date.
With who?
Not the lingerie guy.
Vance Munson. And you’re right, there’s no way he ever had a mother.
Oh, that bad?
He took me to Scalinatella, and he was affectionate and sweet.
He told me all these intimate things, like how he can’t taste food and he wants three kids.
So you slept with him.
I never seen anybody get dressed that fast.
Oh, Case, I’m so sorry.
Well, maybe I’ll just die alone after all.
No, you won’t. You’re gonna meet a great guy with a great smile, and you’re gonna travel the world together.
Okay, who are you? Where’s my best friend?
It’s true. He just hasn’t found you yet. But he will.
Just as he’s leaving, guess what he says: “Date Doctor, my ass.”
What does that mean?
It means he’s really out there. And if I ever meet him, the only date he’s gonna need is with a real doctor.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[♪♪♪]
CONCIERGE: That’s him.
Vance, is that you?
Yeah, hey there, beautiful.
Hi.
Sara Melas, from the Standard. I’d like to discuss the dating consultant you hired before you went out with Casey Sedgewick.
Hey, you don’t wanna talk, that’s fine. I’m gonna write this anyway. You just earned yourself a photo with a boldface caption.
What? Oh, nice.
I can only imagine how the guys on the trading floor are gonna react when they see this.
You have no proof, no facts.
Vance, I’m a gossip columnist, not the DA.
Okay. Okay, how much will it cost me to stay out of this?
I don’t want money. I want a name.
I don’t know his name.
Well, what do you know?
VANCE: I know this.
All this for a lousy lay.
Are we satisfied?
Almost.
Oh!
No, you… Oh, you got to be–
[♪♪♪]
ALBERT: Is this really necessary?
Have you seen your back?
No, but I see my front and maybe we should be starting with some sit-ups.
Ahh! God! Mother of Troy!
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Wow. That’s crazy. Just hearing your voice makes me smile.
How are you?
I’m good, I think. Um… No, actually, you know what? I feel a little strange. Uh, I’m good.
ALBERT: Oh, sweet Georgia Brown!
What was that?
No, that’s just some guy screaming. Listen, is there any context under which you’d consider facial edema and pharmaceutical intervention a date?
Hm. Probably not.
How about a do-over?
What’d you have in mind?
Dinner, my place. Because obviously going anywhere public with you is out of the question.
Oh, God! That’s it. I don’t like you very much.
What is that?
It’s, uh–
Wait, I’m getting up.
It’s like one of those makeover shows.
That’s a makeover show?
It’s Danish.
Almost done!
Fflday?
Can’t. I told a friend I’d go speed dating. You know, for moral support.
But tomorrow I’m free.
[ALBERT SQUEALING]
Great. All right, 8:00?
Great.
All right. Bye-bye.
Bye.
See, it wasn’t so bad, was it?
God!
[OMARION’S “NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO (SHE’S A KEEPA)” PLAYS]
ANNOUNCER: Ball is back in play after a 20-second time-out.
Knicks lead the Grizzlies, 12-6, here early in the first quarter.
[CROWD CHEERING]
So this is what this feels like, huh?
“This” being…?
Great seats, great game.
Great date.
I mean, sort of.
To me, it feels like a…
Date?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Look at her. She looks so happy.
How does a guy like that end up with a girl like her?
[CHEERING]
[WHISTLES]
I am so jealous. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that.
Really? Tonight is your lucky night. Let’s see what you got.
Okay. You ready?
Oh, God. I’m sorry.
It’s fine. It’s fine.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Knicks off to a great start…
All right, here’s how it works.
Central Park Zoo, tomorrow, noon, by the sea lions.
No, don’t worry. I’ll find you.
All right. Thank you.
That guy?
That guy right there?
That guy down there. No, that guy.
Oh, no.
It’s all right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Damn me. Damn!
[WHISTLES]
Hey, that was it! You got it. Do it again.
Okay.
Do it again.
Look how cute they are.
[♪♪♪]
Thanks.
I had a great time tonight, Albert.
I had a great time too, Allegra.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[KEYS JINGLING]
Well, uh…
[CLEARS THROAT]
Good night.
Good night, Albert.
[COUGHING]
Allegra.
Yes?
[♪♪♪]
Hold on.
[ALLEGRA MOANS]
I like your lips.
They seem to like you too.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
[CHATTERING]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
Anything?
ROSS: Not yet.
But I got some great shots of you biting your nails.
Well, it’s a big story.
Oh, incoming.
Really?
Yep. They’re shaking hands.
Oh, my God. This is so great.
I can’t wait to nail this guy.
Get a good shot of his face.
Uh-huh.
What’s he look like?
Tall, dark and handsome.
Basic principles:
No matter what, no matter who, no matter when.
This is killing me.
Geoff’s managing to play it straight.
How long you been in love with her?
Oh, her? Child, about two–
[IN DEEP VOICE] Two and a half years.
Hm.
Take a look.
Okay.
[♪♪♪]
How’d you get my card?
Albert-Albert Brennaman.
Great guy, isn’t he?
Excellent guy.
What? Sara. Sara.
Pleasure to meet you, Geoff.
Hey, what–?
HITCH [ON RECORDER]: How’d you get my card?
GEOFF: Albert-Albert Brennaman.
HITCH: Great guy, isn’t he?
GEOFF: Excellent guy.
You sure you wanna do this?
Why wouldn’t I?
You know, Louise made an interesting observation
on the way home the other night.
She said people who are guarded are afraid
that you can see right through them.
That’s why they hide behind layers of secrecy or humor.
He’ll have to hide behind a lot more than that once this hits the fan.
She meant you.
What do you want me to say?
That I like the guy? Yeah, sure, I liked the guy.
Well, here’s his shirt.
Why don’t you think about it. Call me.
Thanks.
[PHONE RINGING]
[EARTH, WIND & FIRE’S “THAT’S HOW I FEEL” PLAYS]
Yeah.
RAOUL [ON INTERCOM]: Papi, Sara Melas is here to see you.
Thanks a lot, Raoul. Send her up. And stop calling me papi.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.
I believe this belongs to you.
Yeah, this thing is like a bad penny.
SARA: Wow!
So this is it.
Yeah, this is it.
Oh. Business must be good.
Well, it has its rewards.
[LAUGHS]
I’ll bet.
Tough day?
Mmm, you could say that.
Well, you know what? You can just sit back and relax.
I got this all covered.
[GASPS]
Spanish wine!
How thoughtful are we?
Here, let me pour that for you.
No, that’s okay.
You want some?
Sure.
So, Hitch.
Is that, like, a noun or a verb?
Uh, I guess it depends.
Mmm.
Let’s see, what should we toast to?
Never lie, steal, cheat or drink.
But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love.
If you must steal, steal away from bad company.
If you must cheat, cheat death.
And if you must drink,
drink in the moments that take your breath away.
Did you just make that up?
Mmm. Mm-hm.
Mmm. Mmm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Make yourself at home.
Um, I’m gonna check on the risotto.
Whoa.
Look at this! Which one’s the music?
[THE TEMPTATIONS’ “I CAN’T GET NEXT TO YOU” PLAYS ON STEREO]
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
And it does…
It does lights too?
Let me help you out with that.
Now, this is nifty.
What are you doing?
How does it work, exactly?
Oh. Well, usually you have dinner, then you have dessert.
No, no. No, I mean your thriving business.
I don’t do interviews.
But if you’d like to get back to the evening, I’d be happy to sit and talk.
Great idea. You start.
Well, maybe I would if you weren’t snarling.
[CHUCKLING]
Oh…
What if I told you
that I know exactly what you do and how you do it?
And I think it’s despicable!
You know what? We might need to go out to dinner.
There’s a great seafood restaurant I’d love to take you to.
[IMITATES HITCH CLEARING THROAT]
How about you just get a cleaver, butcher?
Maybe I will!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Nothing a front-page story can’t cure.
So that’s what this is about?
Uh-huh.
Albert and Allegra on the front of your crap-ass newspaper?
You put them there!
No, you did!
No, he did! The minute he called you!
[♪♪♪]
Dr. Hitch. Listen to me, papi. I need to bring my partner, Amir,
somewhere amazing for our anniversary.
Maybe it’s not your thing, but maybe it is.
What the hell are you talking about, Raoul?
It’s you, no?
So, my friend, how was she? Pretty good, eh?
[VENDOR LAUGHING]
How was she? I’ll tell you! She was great!
[BUZZING]
WOMAN: Isn’t that the Date Doctor?
MAN: No.
WOMAN: I’m telling you, that’s him.
MAN: It doesn’t look anything like him.
Excuse me. Do you know him?
No.
I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that he did not hire you.
Ma’am, I have never seen this man before in my life.
See you later, Tony.
WOMAN: Tony? You have got some serious explaining to do.
Albert. Hitch. You all right?
I can’t really talk right now. I’m kind of tied up.
POLICE OFFICER: One, two, three.
HOST: Women will remain seated.
Men will rotate to the left at the buzzer.
You get two minutes each, four minutes total.
So trade your talk time when you hear…
[CHIMES]
the gong.
If it’s mutual, you get numbers.
If not, better luck next time, okay?
Ladies, take your seats.
Case, you are a living testimonial to the triumph of hope over experience.
Thanks for coming.
I know it’s lame. I’m sure it’s the last thing you feel like doing.
I really prefer Rachmaninoff to the heavier romantic composers.
But, you know, despite the pan-Germanic anti-Semitism,
I’d still have to say my favorite is Wagner.
[BUZZER RINGS]
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Nice talking to you.
Okay, bye.
Thank you.
Bye.
Hi.
Hi.
HITCH: Excuse me.
MAN: That’s my seat, man.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
My name is Ron. I’m 28.
Albert Brennaman is a good man.
MAN: Excuse me.
In fact, Albert Brennaman is a great man.
I just got out of a five-year relationship.
HITCH: And you tore his life apart…
I’m a lot of fun at parties. I like dogs…
And then you’re mad at me for what I do for a living?
I’ve already got your number,
so why don’t you go consult your conscience?
Albert is in love with her.
Just like Sebastian?
Is there a problem?
No, just one sec.
What do you have against Allegra anyway?
Nothing. My interest is protecting women from assholes like you.
Oh! I did ice climbing once.
You don’t even know me.
And whose fault is that?
–the sun comes up, the ice really starts to fall apart.
I bet. I’m sorry.
Do you know this guy?
Apparently not.
You’re in my seat.
Look, you really–
I’m doing you a favor, believe me.
Basically, I like outdoor sports. But indoor sports have their place too.
There are certain aspects of my job that are secretive.
And my job is to try to find the truth.
The truth? You wouldn’t know the truth if it kicked you in the head.
If Albert Brennaman has to take a fall for it, so be it.
Say what’s pissing you off.
[GONG CHIMES]
I’ve been waiting to talk to her–
You wanna sit down? Here you go.
Gong!
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Whoa!
Hi. Actually, you’re not supposed to move.
I’m Alex Hitchens. No, it’s okay. Go.
I’m Casey.
Hi, Casey.
I work for a small publishing house in the press department,
which isn’t actually where I want to be. But it’s a good house–
You handled me. You manipulated me.
You researched me and you showed me
my great-grandfather’s signature.
Wait. You’re Ellis Island?
I thought that was real sweet.
Thank you.
Case, you’re not helping.
Excuse me, I’m on a date.
Does it ever occur to women
that maybe a guy might like to have a plan because he’s nervous?
He’s not sure that he could just walk up to you
and you’d respond if he said, “I like you.”
I like you.
I like you!
That sounds good to me.
That’s true, you can’t tell them you like them.
I tried that. It didn’t go well.
I’ve crashed and burned on that.
That is what you did, and I did like you!
I just didn’t know I was being worked over by some professional.
He doesn’t have a badge.
The only time he was sincere or spontaneous
was when everything was going wrong.
Or when you were stoned out of your head.
I’m sorry to interrupt. Do I know you?
No, I don’t think so.
You wanna see me be spontaneous?
Sure, you want a Benadryl?
This is really kind of distracting. And I haven’t gotten laid in a year!
We’re sorry. Why don’t you guys get back to your date.
Um, or go somewhere.
Maybe from the bank? Huh?
If this doesn’t work out, call him. He might hook you up with Paris Hilton.
Wait, that’s it. You’re the Date Doctor, right?
[CHATTERING LOUDLY]
You’re the Date Doctor?
Do we have a problem here?
Oh, yeah, a big one! What the hell did lever do to you, huh?
I’m-Am I missing something?
Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
All right.
Why don’t you go hit a titty bar
with your buddy Vance?
Wow.
I don’t believe this.
[♪♪♪]
That’s your source?
You buried yourself, Alex.
Then you weren’t listening.
I heard every word.
You’re a scam artist.
You trick women into getting–
Into getting out of their own way
so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance.
No, I want everybody to take a good look at this right now.
Because this right here,
this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard.
HOST: Sir, let’s go. Now.
And Vance Munson is a pig!
And I refused to work with him.
You need to get your facts right.
It’s because of jerks like him that I even have a job.
Had a job.
Can you believe that guy?
Actually, I do.
[♪♪♪]
TOM CRUISE [ON TV]: You…
complete me.
I might just have–
Shut up.
Just shut up.
You had me at “hello.”
You had me at “hello.”
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
No comment.
Oh, yeah. No, um…
This is off the record.
I came to apologize.
I made some assumptions about you
based on nothing, it turns out.
And I, um…
I guess Casey’s right. My best friend–
Don’t worry about it. We’re straight.
I should’ve asked you. But sometimes you’re so guarded.
I just don’t wanna be another reason for you to–
Look, uh, I’m not someone who likes to get involved past a certain point.
And that point was about a week ago.
Oh.
Well, I just want to say I’m really sorry.
And I didn’t mean to hurt you.
You didn’t.
Hm.
That’s a relief.
[♪♪♪]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Hey, fella.
Yeah, good. You?
Uh…
What you got there?
This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating,
it wouldn’t hurt so much.
She hasn’t called back?
Hey, you want some coffee?
I want you to fix it.
I got nothing, Albert.
Hey, you wanna do something? We should get out tonight.
Honestly, I never knew I could feel like this.
I swear I’m going out of my mind.
I wanna throw myself off of every building in New York.
I see a cab and I wanna dive in front of it
because then I’ll stop thinking about her.
Look, you will. Just give it time.
That’s just it. I don’t want to.
I’ve waited my whole life to feel this miserable.
If this is the only way I can stay connected with her,
then this is who I have to be.
No, you don’t. You can change, you can adapt.
You can make it so you don’t ever have to feel like this.
Ever again.
Oh, my God. You just don’t get it, do you?
Oh, I get it.
All right, so let me get this straight.
You’re selling this stuff, but you don’t believe in your own product.
Love is my life.
No. Love is your job.
[♪♪♪]
Hey.
You wanna jump out a plane without a chute, be my guest.
But forgive me if I don’t join you.
This isn’t about love for you at all, is it?
Yeah.
This whole time, I thought I was the coward.
Where you going?
Skydiving.
[♪♪♪]
[WHISTLING]
Allegra! Allegra!
Allegra! Allegra!
Taxi! Taxi!
Allegra! Allegra!
Taxi! Taxi!
[♪♪♪]
Mr. Hitchens.
HITCH: Miss Cole, thank you very much for seeing me.
You said it was a matter of life and death.
That man would’ve sold his soul to make you happy.
So, what does that make you, the devil?
My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole. It’s to create opportunities.
Like the boardroom.
Would you have noticed him otherwise?
Yes.
Really?
Eventually.
[♪♪♪]
Maybe.
How did you know all that stuff about me?
Boy, you really did your homework.
Like at boarding school when everyone used to tease me
because I couldn’t whistle.
And having him dance like a buffoon knowing that I can’t dance either.
Then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt so I’d feel less like a dork.
That was all you, right?
No. Hell, no.
That was him?
That’s got Albert written all over it.
Did you put him up to the inhaler?
Stop it. He did not show you that.
He chucked it right before he kissed me.
So wait, that…
That stuff worked for you?
It was adorable.
[LAUGHING]
What did you do?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
That’s great.
[♪♪♪]
So this was your plan the whole time?
Hey, Albert.
You sail off into the sunset with my girl?
Albert! Albert!
Albert! Albert!
ALBERT: You were like a brother to me!
Albert! Albert!
[WHISTLES]
He came here for you.
Who?
The guy you’re choking.
[♪♪♪]
[GASPING]
Oh, my God. I love you.
I love you.
ALBERT: No, I really love you.
I love you.
I love you more.
I love you more. I really do.
Hey, uh…
I got somewhere I gotta go. So, um…
[♪♪♪]
SARA: Yeah, who is it?
Hitch.
Uh, can I talk to you?
What?
Uh…
You almost hit me.
Um…
Look, I just wanted to stop by, basically, um…
See, this is the thing.
I, um…
Whoo, this…
This is weird. I don’t have me behind the door, you know.
Close your mouth.
Um, because I knew at some point I’d be…
you know, right here. But I thought that, you know…
[GIBBERING]
Everything would come out, but it’s like:
[IMITATES BRAKES SCREECHING]
That’s throwing me off.
Can we close the door?
What?
I’m sorry. Just, can we–? I just need…
Are you serious?
No, just like this.
What do you want, Hitch?
You.
[♪♪♪]
For a whole lot of reasons that don’t make any sense to me.
I mean, what, we’ve been on three dates?
But, see, that’s what’s crazy.
That’s what’s crazy, because I know.
I know deep,
like, just down, just in this area…
that I just know…
that I want…
I want to be miserable.
Like, really miserable.
Because, hey,
if that’s what it takes for me to be happy, then…
Wait, that didn’t come out right.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Nothing!
No! No, no. Not you.
I’m talking to me.
Alex Hitchens, Tom Reda.
Hey.
I’ll just put this in the car.
[♪♪♪]
Uh…
Maybe it’s like what you said.
We should just both go our separate ways and then we’ll do just fine.
What if fine isn’t good enough?
What if I want extraordinary?
No such thing.
I’m just as scared as you are, Sara.
But I’m right here, and our time is right now.
Oh, yeah? Well, what about before?
Sara, I am a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?
I’m a realist, and I know what love does to people.
No, you don’t.
Keys.
Keys.
There you go. Right here.
I don’t know who this is, and I don’t care.
What I do know is he’ll never feel about you the way that I do.
[CLUTCH GRINDING GEARS]
You know how to drive a stick?
Both of you, shut up!
[♪♪♪]
TOM: You okay?
Yeah. No, I’m fine.
[THUD]
You’ll never be fine, and neither will I!
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
Maybe I should drive.
Are you trying to get yourself killed?
If that’s what it takes.
Sara, what happened?
He jumped on the car.
WOMAN: Why?
Because that’s what people do.
They leap and hope to God they can fly.
[HITCH GROANING]
[♪♪♪]
Because otherwise…
we just drop like a rock,
wondering the whole way down:
“Why in the hell did I jump?”
But here I am, Sara, falling.
And there’s only one person that makes me feel like I can fly.
That’s you.
So you kind of like me, huh?
No.
I love you.
I love you, and I knew it from the first–
[♪♪♪]
If I say it back now, it’ll sound so stupid.
Sara.
This is the guy I was telling you about. Hitch, that’s my sister, Maria.
And that’s her husband, Tom.
HITCH: Hey.
Her husband.
[MARK RONSON’S “OOH WEE” PLAYS]
Where’s your date?
Oh, don’t have one.
I know. Shocking, huh?
[GASPING]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
[GRUNTING]
Are you all right?
Grandma, what happened?
This young lady just saved my life.
Ask her to dance.
Oh, well, if you insist.
I’m Casey.
Charles Wellington.
Oh, and this–
Forget it. Just go.
Basic principles:
There are none.
[HEAVY D & THE BOYZ’S “NOW THAT WE FOUND LOVE” PLAYS]
[PANTS RIPPING]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[♪♪♪]
[AMERIE’S “1 THING” PLAYS]
