Rick and Morty – S05E03 – A Rickconvenient Mort [Transcript]

Morty falls in love with an environmental superhero. Rick and Summer go on an apocalypse bar crawl.
Rick and Morty - S05E03 - A Rickconvenient Mort

Episode aired July 4, 2021

* * *

Ahh, I love that new T-shirt smell.

Chicks are gonna be up all up in our biz when they see us wearing these Rick and Morty custom tees.

I bet we could sell these.

Hells yeah. I f*cking love merch!

[Thunder crashes] Aah! The rain! It — It burns!

Oh sh*t! Quick, Morty, protect the shirts!

The door! Open the door! Rick!

Is it — Morty, will ya stop tryna–

[Lock clicks]

Okay, there, it’s open.

Jesus.

My skin is on fire. W-Why is the rain doing that?

[Laughing evilly] My acid rain will destroy all things green and natural or my name isn’t Diesel Weasel.

[Laughs evilly]

[People screaming]

Huh. Well, that guy’s easy to please.

Your acid rain is an acid pain… in the butt, Diesel Weasel!

Yikes.

Wow.

Who’s the chick in need of a dialogue pass?

First order of business is to clean up this acid rain with a little wind!

Yoww! Ow! Ow, my leg!

Wow.

And now an elemental punch that’s too hot to handle! Wa-kah!

Oh, wow.

Curse you, Planetina! I’ll get you next slime!

[Laughs evilly]

There’s only one solution for Earth’s pollution — you!

[Ting!]

Wow.

Morty, if you say “wow” one more time, I swear to f*cking God…

Are you crazy, Rick? She’s right there!

Yeah, get that aluminum, Morty. It’s 8% of the Earth. We’ll need every atom.

Thanks! Every litter-bit helps!

[Gasps] Your problem!

Excuse me?

S-Sorry. I-I-I wanted to say, “N-No problem, you’re welcome,” a-a-and it came out “your problem.” [Chuckles] I-I’m an idiot. Sorry.

You’re not an idiot. You recycled.

I-I’m Morty.

Nice to meet you, Morty. I’m Planetina, and I hope you have a wonderful day.

[Horn honks] Rick: Hey!

The f*ck we doin’ here?

Uhh, y-y-you like soft serve? There’s a shop around the bend.

Oh, I don’t eat ice cream. Veal is a product of the dairy industry.

Oh, that’s not good.

No, it is not.

[Horn honks]

Oh, my God! Come on! Let’s go!

I know a place that serves cruelty-free doughnuts. If you’d like, I could fly you and your friend there easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.

Okay, I-I-I’ll ask him. He — He said he can’t come. Let’s go!

What the f*ck was that sh!t?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Electricity crackling]

Planetina: The Earth is in danger! Pollution and waste are ruining our planet. Mother Nature has enlisted the help of four young adults from each major ethnicity — and when things look bad, and I mean really bad — they combine the powers of their elemental rings to create me! Planetina, conservationist super person! There’s only one solution… for Earth’s pollution — you!

P-Pretty cool, huh? I-I can’t believe I actually hung out with Planetina.

How old is this woman? She looks very mature.

She’s a sentient amalgam of natural elements, so I don’t believe age applies to her.

Great. Taylor Murphy dumps me the day before his hella-big pool party and my little brother’s dating a phase four super hero. Just shoot me in the f*cking head until I die.

Hey, hey, none of that, Summerfest. Look what you’re doing to your sister, you piece of sh*t.

Is it weird that she hasn’t texted me yet?

Yes.

No.

What if I told you that your Grandpa Rick’s got something up his sleeve that’s so Rick-diculous that it’s gonna make you forget all about that stupid asshole that dumped you?

[Plates clatter] Hey, my egg plate!

Morglutz, Slartivart, and Ferkus 9 — three planets are all ending in a delayed succession of cataclysmic events. A jam like this comes around only once in a lifetime. Morglutz’s sun is going supernova, Slartivart is falling into a black hole, and Ferkus 9 is getting “Deep Impact”-ed by an asteroid. They’re all having a major, final blow out — and I’m gonna drug it up and suck it up before each one goes ka-blamo, and I’m taking my favorite grandkid along with me!

Hells yeah.

10 seconds on Morglutz, and you’ll be up to your neck in I-could-give-two- sh*ts-about- what’s-his-ass. And also herpes.

Um… Oh, my God, thank you, Grandpa Rick! I’m gonna go pack my rollie.

Um, Summer? I-I-I haven’t given you my approval yet.

[Door closes]

Summer, approval is yet to be given here!

[Phone chimes] There’s a huge forest fire like 200 miles from here! This is amazing! Planetina’s bound to be there. Mom, I-I need the credit card to buy a train ticket.

Absolutely not.

Mom, this is the biggest wildfire of the year!

You’re not going!

You’re not going!

Da f*ck I’m not. Last time I checked, this wasn’t Russia.

It’s not Russia, Jerry.

My heart is broken, and I deserve to let loose, and if you don’t like it, you can suck my bigger [bleep] Adios, C-words.

Morty, I don’t want you getting hurt. Please, think this over.

I don’t want to think! I want to see a girl I like. If you don’t want to help me, I’ll find my own goddamn way to the wildfire.

[Door slams]

[Door slamming]

I’ll get the wine.

Thank you.

The Governor has implemented a mandatory evacuation. Abandon all hope, people! Nothing will stop this fire. Nothing!

[Air whooshing]

Scratch that! Here’s Planetina, Savioress of Earth!

Yeeouch! Talk about a hot foot. Better put this wildfire on ice!

Morty: Come here, little buddy. Come on, come on, come on, I gotcha.

Morty?! What are you doing here?

Oh, hey! Y-You’re here, too? Yeah, I heard about the wildfire back home, and, you know, I stopped by to lend a hand. H-Here you go, fella. All safe now. [Chuckles] Ahh, rabbits — al-always hopping —

Never stoppin’.

[Chuckles nervously] Y-Yeah. S-So it was, uh, great hanging — hanging out the other day. I-I was getting kind of a — I mean I-I got kind of a p-positive vibe.

Oh, good. I was putting one out. I-I really like you.

Holy sh*t. I-I-I mean, uh, well, oh, all right. Next step, you w-want to go out again?

I do! But, uh, Morty, I have kids.

Oh, I-I-I’ll get along with them. I’m-I’m a kid.

No, I mean the four kids that bring me into existence by combining the power of their elemental rings so I can save Earth from ecological disasters.

Oh, them! No, I-I know about them. I-I like them.

Oh, good. Well, here they are now.

Hey, buddy, you want an autograph? That’s 20 bucks a pop.

No, Eddie, he’s my friend. Morty, these are my kids, The Tina-Teers.

Oh, hey.

Tina, girl, have you gained weight?

Uh, well, I had a plant-based doughnut yesterday. Just a half.

Sugar is worst thing for figure, darling. You want to be ugly?

Heh, I-I thought they’d be younger.

They’ve been manifesting me since the mid-’90s. A lot has changed since then. This is freaking you out, huh?

It is a lot to take in.

I understand. Well, I guess I’d better go. See you around.

Hi-de-ho, TV 58!

Planetina, you single-handily saved a National Forest with ease.

I do what I can, but I can’t do it alone!

And who’s your friend over there?

Oh! This is Morty Smith. He traveled 200 miles just to save a rabbit from the fire. He’s a very special guy.

So, are you two dating?

Oh, um, w– I-I-I —

Yes, we are.

[’80s pop music plays]

F*ck love.

F*ck love.

All right, time to set the rules.

Lay it on me.

No whining.

Done.

No crying.

As if.

And absolutely, positively no getting attached. We’re here to smash max ass — quantity over quality. Deal?

Deal!

I’m gonna eat so much a*s, you’re gonna sh*t. Check this out. This is gonna be me at the party — b-b-laaaah! B-b-blaaaah! Oh, is that another a*s. Don’t mind if I– b-b-blaaaah!

Ho-ho! This’ll be me across the room — “Excuse me, miss. It appears that you have an uneaten a*s. Allow me — lalalalalaaah! Lalalalalaaah! B-b-blaaaah!

B-b-blaaaah!

Whoo! F*cking super nova party!

Love is a lie! Hack the planet! The world’s ending, and for some reason, I want to die with you more than anyone else.

[Giggles] Wow!

Yo, Rick, don’t look now, but someone’s giving you the big eye.

[Vomiting]

‘Scuse me. I got to see a man about a horse I’d rather have sex with.

Aah!

Hello.

I’m Rick. Hey. So, the world’s ending, and for some reason, I want to die with you more than anyone else.

Hello.

Summer: Have fun, Grandpa Rick! No commitments!

♪ I flew to you on an airplane ♪

[Keys tapping]

♪ I was afraid that you gave me strength ♪

♪ Forever, birds were soul twin loves ♪

♪ Baby, come back to me ♪

♪ Baby, come back like it was ♪

Surprise!

What are you doing here?

Mmm! I told my kids I went out to recycle batteries. All kidding aside, everyone should discard used batteries at proper disposal centers instead of tossing them into a regular waste bin.

Thanks for the tip.

♪ Flowers never last forever ♪

♪ But we can make it past forever ♪

[Dolphins squeaks]

♪ Baby, come home to me ♪

♪ Baby, you’re home with me ♪

[Cheering]

Solus is collapsing in five zip-zops. If we time it right, we can [bleep] together as the sun explodes.

Sounds ah-mazing. Say, I think I left my purse back at the bar. Can both of you go get it for me?

Anything for you, Mrs. Obama.

Time to ghost, Grandpa Rick.

Rick: Righty-right. Meet me at the car.

One of these has to be hers. Where’d she go?

I guess we’ll have to start without her.

Oh, her loss.

B-b-blaaaaaaaaah!

Whoo! Planet number two, let’s do it! Sorry, I took so long. I had to ditch some clingers.

[Slurring] Let’s do it. Up the [bleep], y’all.

Geez, you okay to drive?

Shiii! ‘Course, I-I-I’m mable. Bu[burps]ckle up.

[Crashing]

Yeah! Whoo! The best week of my life!

Daphne: Hello.

What was that?

Nothin’.

Who wants to see the most radadelic lady-version of a super hero?

[Cheering]

Fire!

Water!

Air!

And Dirt!

[Crowd gasps]

Oh, no, the convention. Morty, wake up! We overslept.

What’s happening?

Hey, there’s a little boy on her!

Oh, d-d-drop the curtain!

There is no curtain!

Idiots, zap her away!

No, no, no. Wait, I-I —

Whoa!

Security!

What did you do? B-Bring her back! No! Let me go!

Sorry, folks. Planetina will be back in a moment. Until then, who wants a limited edition Funko for only $50?

[Cheers and applause]

This is very bad. We are about to close deal. We cannot afford controversy.

Don’t you worry. I know how ta deal with this Morty kid.

[Cheering]

Hey, a bunch of us are going over to Hibler’s place to shoot ourselves. Y-You want to come with?

Sorry, but no man’s tying down Sum-Sum tonight. Hit the dicks.

Your loss, honey. You could have had allllllll this.

[Sobs]

Hey, check it out! There’s old people dancing!

[Dance music plays]

♪♪

Damn, girl. Your moves is tight.

Hello.

Summer: Rick! What the WTF is that Morglutzian doing here?

Morglutzian? She’s — She’s not Morglutzian.

She’s the only blue person here without three eyes!

Okay, fine. B-Busted. Thi-Thi-This is, uh, Daphne. Daphne, this is Summer, my granddaughter.

Granddaughter? Hello.

Daphne heard about our little party crawl, and I told her she could come with. I-I-In the trunk.

What in the actual f*ck, Rick? We said no commitments! This was to be our Apocalypse Party-crawl! You broke the rules!

Squares follow rules, Summer. Daphne’s down to freak. She’s up for any [burps] sick, nasty thing I want to do.

Hello.

Oh, yeah, baby.

[Both moaning]

All right, fellas, take five. He ain’t gonna give me any trouble.

[Lock clicks] Morty: Where’s Planetina?

Don’t you worry about her.

I want to see her!

Planetina’s got a lot of responsibilities. People depend on her. And you, my friend, are a distraction we can’t afford right now.

She’s just a product to you, isn’t she? Something to make money off of. W-Well, Planetina’s more than that. She’s a brilliant, living thing, and I love her.

Oh, you love her? Well, guess what. We own her. But not for long, of course. We’re gonna sell her to some Arab overseas. Fire. As for you, maybe she won’t love you so much if you ain’t so pretty no more.

Stop! Yah!

Ow!

Y-You want to f*ck with me? Do you? Stupid f*cking sh!t hole! Aaaaaah!

[Grunts]

Guard: Boss, what’s happening? Let us in!

Aah!

[Spits] Fire!

[Screaming]

Fire!

Can we conclude our business? I’m eager to celebrate my purchase of Planetina over dinner, and these infant seals aren’t getting any younger.

Momentarily, comrade. Soon, our partner will return. Ugh! What is taking Eddie so long?

His phone keep going to voicemail.

Eddie: ♪ Start leaving a message ♪

♪ I can’t make it to the phone ♪

Just kidding. It’s Eddie. Go f*ck yourself.

[Voicemail beeps]

Which one of you ordered a pizza?

No one order pizza. What is this?

Well, I got a cheesy Italian, extra crispy just for you.

I know those cheek bones like they’re me own! It’s Eddie!

[Bleep] Mother! Kill him!

Stone! Stone!

Fire!

Aah!

Airs!

[Air whooshing]

Cold Water! Cold Water!

Dirt!

Fire!

Wa–

[Screaming]

Airs.

Now we can be together, Planetina.

I am an individual character. I represent no group.

Fire!

Aaah!

Water! Dirt! Airs!

[Screaming]

Aah!

Not good!

[Baby seals growling, barking]

Blib…

Naga…

Threve…

Verillex…Gam!

Happy Apocalypse!

Oh, my gaaah!

This is awful!

Why were we cheering?!

[Rumbling]

Hello. Got any agua around here? Mama’s got to hydrate.

Glove box.

Oh, yeah. Rick is the coolest guy ever. We’re total soul mates. He’s gonna show me the wonders of the universe.

Ha! Once we get to the next planet, Grandpa Rick is gonna ditch you, like, so fast.

Oh, is that so?

Uh-huh, nobody is tying that guy down — ever. The only chick seeing the universe with Rick is me.

Not if I keep Rick’s mouth full of these.

Oh, my — Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. That’s right, girlfriend. This is what you’re up against. Wars were fought over these. They’ve ruined kings, inspired presidents. A hundred songs and nine national anthems have been written about them. Best set of elbow-titties on Morglutz. And now, thanks to Rick, the best in the galaxy. You want me to put them away?

Please.

Sure. But only because you’re Rick’s granddaughter.

Daph? Daphne? Where are ya, baby? Papa needs some more elbow grease.

Comin’!

Ya might want to keep your eyes on the road. It’s about to get sloppy.

Hello!

Hello.

Ugh!

[Loud moaning, bed creaking]

Then I put my sunglasses on and walked out like nothing happened.

I’m finally free. All because of Morty.

What a romantic story about our son killing a room full of people. Your turn.

Uh, seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven!

Oyyy, don’t punch my lunch!

A-ha! Eat it!

I’m out of food cards.

How ’bout I loan you two quiche at 10%?

That’s so generous.

My turn!

Double sixes, baby! One, two, three…

So, what’s next for Planetina?

Well, now that I’m not distracted by book signings and publicity stunts, Morty and I can concentrate on more important things.

Like school.

Like moving in. Planetina doesn’t have a place to stay now, so I said she could live with us.

Holy sh*t. Morty, no.

I’m so full!

What do you mean, no?

Whoo!

Don’t punch my lunch. [Laughs]

I wouldn’t be a burden, Mrs. Smith. I only want to spend as much time as possible with your son.

My son is 14, miss. I’m sorry, Morty. You’re way too young.

But y-y-y-you were a teenager when Dad got you pregnant.

I was 17! That’s at least 26 in boy years. I’m sure Planetina is very nice, but when you’re a teenager, love is fleeting, at best.

You underestimate Morty. He is a very mature young man.

See, Mom? I told you!

This is not happening. End of discussion. Planetina, I think you should leave, please.

Okay, Mrs. Smith.

Oh, no! [Belches]

Mom, I hate you! You suck!

Hey, now, it’s only a game.

Shut up! Shut up! Okay. My whole life, I’ve never fit in anywhere. Everything I have to say is always met with an eye roll as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore. Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I’ve been all over the universe, met hundreds of people, and Planetina’s the only one I’ve ever met that makes me feel like I belong, and you just kicked her out of our house!

Morty, please —

I will never forgive you for this!

♪ Get the sword and throw it far ♪

♪ Let it shine under the morning star ♪

Morty! Morty, come back! [Air whooshing]

♪ Who are you? ♪

♪ Who am I to you? ♪

♪ I am the antichrist to you ♪

[Lightning crackling]

♪♪

♪ Fallen from the sky with grace ♪

♪ Into your arms race ♪

♪♪

Get out! All of you, get out of there! You’re killing the planet!

Your people didn’t get the votes. Leave, or I’ll have you arrested.

It’s you people who should be arrested. Gutting the land, poisoning the air your children breathe?! Can’t you see what you’re doing?!

Easy for you to say! You can live how you want! We need the jobs. Let’s go, boys. She can’t stop us.

W-We’ll get them next time.

There’s no time left! Can’t you hear the Earth screaming? You filthy murderers!

Planetina, stop it!

There’s only one solution for Earth’s pollution!

[Screaming]

Oh, my God, no.

♪ Who am I to you? ♪

♪ I am the antichrist to you ♪

No!

I can’t believe I’m banging my co-workers. And I’m the boss!

This gay sex with my Dad is terrific! What was I thinking?

It’ll all be over soon! Last chance to pee on me! Anyone?!

Okay, Grandpa, the meteor’s almost here. We can go now.

Ah, nah, we still got time.

Well, then stop being in love and start having fun.

Ah, love’s pretty fun, Summer. Just give it a chance.

It’s not even real love! Daphne’s just with you so she can keep surviving!

Ah, the young — so naive.

[Footsteps squishing]

[Squishing]

[Groans] Eww, gross.

[Engine starts]

[Windshield squeaking]

[Explosion]

Congratulations, Ferkisians! Your apocalypse is aborted. And, Grandpa, you and I can go home. Daphne, you may come with. If you want to and don’t have to.

I don’t know what you’re getting at, Summer. Obviously, Daphne wants to — Aw, you cold bitch. Hello?

Goodbye.

Hey, she’s the one that saved the world! Now we got to go to work tomorrow!

[All booing]

You [bleep]

Sorry I messed things up with Daphne.

Just shut up. I get it.

Really? You’re not mad?

I’m furious. But I have to admit, it was pretty Rick of you to avert an apocalypse in a tantrum of cynicism just to destroy one dumb relationship.

Still, sorry.

Eh, I would’ve done the same for you.

Promise? Love you, Grandpa Rick.

Don’t make it weird.

[Phone chimes]

[Keys tapping]

[Phone chimes]

Please go. I-I-I can’t see you anymore.

Don’t you even want to try to make it work? We were so close.

You murdered 300 people.

And you murdered my kids.

They were gonna sell you away forever. Eddie was trying to kill me! Th-Those miners were innocent.

Those innocent miners voted men into power to protect their precious jobs so they can buy more plastic garbage and eat the corpses of tortured animals. The system is broken, Morty. This is the only way I can save Earth, the only way I can save you.

If that’s the only way, I-I don’t want to be saved. Please, go.

But…I love you.

I-I-I can’t — I-I can’t love you. I-I just can’t. Please understand.

No. [Sniffles] I’ll go, but don’t you dare ask me to understand.

Planetina, I-I’m so sorry.

F*ck you.

Morty? Are you all right?

She’s gone, Mom! She’s gone! [Sobs] I loved her so much!

I know you did, honey.

[Crying]

Shh, Mommy’s here.

♪ Let it shine under the morning star ♪

♪ Who are you? ♪

♪ Who am I to you? ♪

♪ I am the antichrist to you ♪

♪ Fallen from the sky with grace ♪

♪ Into your arms ♪

[Door bells jingle]

[Clears throat]

Good morning.

‘Morning.

Slow day, huh?

Yep.

Probably because everybody thought the world wouldn’t be, you know, like, here today.

Mm-hmm. Mom in back?

Mom’s not talking to us.

Because we had sex?

Yes.

Uh, yeah. That makes sense.

Happy birthday, by the way.

[Sighs]

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