The Jim Jefferies Show – S2, Ep17, 7 August 2018 – Full Transcript

2018-08-12T19:30:39+00:00August 12th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , , |
  • The Jim Jefferies Show - 3D-Printed Guns

Season 2, Episode 17, 7 August 2018

– Jim looks at the recent controversy surrounding the accessibility of blueprints online that allow people to produce guns using 3D printers. And how the TSA is struggling to fight against them.

– Congresswoman Barbara Lee has a long history in Congress, but her progressive politics and push to become the first black female House leader may represent the future.

– The story of the police dog that the Colombian cartels want dead.

* * *

Jim: Welcome to The Jim Jefferies Show! 3D printers can now print working guns, but luckily they can also print good guys to shoot them. So I think we’re gonna be just fine.
Then we talk about security theatre and the weird things we do to feel safe. For instance, my son’s security blanket. It has not real protective powers… but I still can’t sleep without it!
And I sit down with congresswoman Barbara Lee, that’s all coming up, let’s get the show started.

The 1D Brain Behind 3D-Printed Guns

Jim: Welcome to The Jim Jefferies Show! I’m Jim Jefferies.
Great news! Getting a gun just got even easier.

[John Yang, PBS NewsHour] There’s a new front in the fight over gun control: people making guns at home with 3D printers. They don’t have serial numbers, they don’t require a background check, and they can slip through metal detectors.

Jim: So Americans have a huge problem with undocumented people, but undocumented guns are just fine. I guess if we really wanna get the guns off the street, we should call them, “Mexi-guns”.
We should’ve known it was just a matter of time before anyone could download and print a gun. We’ve been headed this way for a while.

[PBS NewsHour] In 2013, a gun rights enthusiast and self-described anarchist, named Cody Wilson posted online the designs for a 3D printed, functional, plastic hand-gun.

Jim: A self-described anarchist? You don’t say. Don’t all anarchists have to be gun nuts? If they’re in trouble, what are they gonna do? Call the cops? “Hello? Government agency I don’t believe in? Come quickly! Someone broke a law that I don’t acknowledge!”
Wilson claims distributing the plans is legal, because he’s simply exercising his first amendment rights to share information. Yeah, it’s just informing the public. That’s the way every shooting victim feels. You know, when they get shot… “Thanks for the information, I feel so educated!” Maybe that’s why there’s so many shootings that happen in school. It’s just the latest way for the kids to learn. Kids can’t get enough of those “wisdom bullets” whizzing past their heads! Hey, son. How was school today? Ah, dad. We learned so much! Like, if a bullet leaves a gun traveling 2000 beats per second, and Jerry forgets to duck, how many days do we get off school? Dad… Dad, why do my hands constantly shake?

But Wilson does have a point. It’s not illegal to share information. And it’s not illegal to make your own gun.

[Cody Wilson] Well, in the United States it’s always been legal to make your own gun. Literally, all the things that these people are afraid of were already legal. We’re just providing you a direct way to do it, and saying, “yeah-why not?”

Jim: “Why not?” Well, for one, there’s murder. That’s probably the number one reason why not. It’s generally not a good idea to make it easier to kill people. We don’t encourage people to drive drunker. We aren’t running ads for mail-order cancer. Like, forget all those time consuming cigarettes. We bring lung cancer direct to you.

The Jim Jefferies Show - Lung Cancer

Now a bunch of states are suing to get the plans taken off the internet for good.

[News12 Live] At least 19 other states are suing the federal government over its decision to allow the Texas company to publish the downloadable blueprints. They want a federal judge to order a temporary restraining order to block the agreement.

Jim: A bit late, mate. Those blueprints have been available for a long time. Plans for the AR-15 were downloaded hundreds of thousands of times. Politicians simply don’t understand new technology. That’s why Jeff Sessions still watches his old Hitler rallies on Betamax. He thinks it’s better quality. Although, they did release them on DVD, but for me, George Lucas just added too much stuff.

Look, it’s a tough issue for me. Obviously, I’m an anti-gun guy. But homemade guns? That’s impressive. Forget guns! I find homemade pizza impressive. How about homemade soap? That’s why they can charge $25 a bar of soap down at the farmer’s markets. Like, who knows how to make soap? I barely know where to buy soap. Since I’ve lived alone, I’ve been slowly letting my supplies run low. Last night, I washed myself using Windex and an old newspaper. I can’t function.

It’s just scary to think where American priorities are. Like, we can’t have plastic straws, but we can have plastic guns. And what do you think happens when you’re done with those plastic guns? You just chuck them in the trash. And they wind up in the ocean. Aren’t sharks scary enough already? Ironically, their gang is called The Jets.

The Jim Jefferies Show - Sharks and guns

This is what’s important to us? This is how we’re using the promise of technology? Printable guns? Why is it every time we invent something new, people want to know two things: Can we fuck it? Or can we kill people with it? What happened to all the cool shit the future was supposed to bring? Where are the hoverboards? The clones? The teleportation machines? Weren’t we supposed to be living in a “Planet of the Apes” monkey overlord situation by now? You know, I was talking to Roseanne about this and she said we already were. She went on for quite awhile. And I said, “you know what, Roseanne?” “You should tweet that!” And now that’s one less show I have to compete with. [Applause]

Honestly, I know I should be enraged about printable guns. But it’s already way too easy for people to get assault rifles, anyway. Shootings happen almost every day and the government refuses to act. A few crappy, plastic weapons won’t make things worse. Unless, of course, you’re the type of person who lives your life behind metal detectors, like lawmakers. Maybe that’s why some of them are finally kicking up a fuss about these plastic guns. Rather, than say, the millions of metal weapons that everyone else has to worry about on a daily basis. And let me be absolutely clear. I don’t support any kind of violence. Period. But, I’m just exercising my right to share information.

* * *

What’s The Point Of The TSA?

Now the printable guns are reality, it’s even more likely that anyone could have a weapon on them at any time. That’s why airport security is more important than ever.

[CNN Live] TSA is considering allowing thousands of passengers to board commercial airplanes across the United States without being screened.

Jim: Well, fuck me! Yes the TSA might eliminate screenings in more than a hundred and fifty of the country’s smaller airports. And sorry for the people who live in flyover States but, according to the US government, your lives are literally worth less.

[CNN Live] An elimination of security screening at small and some medium-size airports that operate commercial planes with 60 seats or fewer. Their operating theory is that attacks with small aircraft would not be as attractive a payoff to terrorists, because the potential for loss of life would be less than what terrorists could achieve with larger planes.

Jim: Terrorism isn’t a numbers game? Killing 60 people in a plane hijacking is pretty respectable. They can’t all be 9/11? Which I believe is an inspirational poster on the wall of ISIS headquarters. “You hang on there Ahmad, you hang on there.”

The Jim Jefferies Show - The can't all be 9.11

Come here. I’ll let you in on a little secret though… the TSA doesn’t really do a whole lot of anything.

[Jeff Pegues, CBS News Washington] The new report by the DHS Inspector General found continued problems with TSA screening procedures. The exact findings remain classified but sources say in tests, possibly over 70% of the time, explosives and weapons were able to get through checkpoints. Just two years ago testing found a 95 percent failure rate.

Jim: 95 percent failure rate. If they suck that bad, then by all means get rid of the TSA, no one would mind. See life is a constant trade-off between safety and irritation. We could prevent every car accident if everyone drove at 10 miles an hour, but we don’t, because we have shit to do. When a terror attack happens, I always think “oh my god, that is awful, that’s gonna hold up the security line… god”. What’s next, they’re gonna make us take our shirt off? Now I have to be early and do sit-ups. And people are gonna see my Cosby tattoo. It all fit as I got it a long time ago, last year when I thought he was going to get off.

The TSA is the most obvious example of what we call security theater. We go through the motions with like metal detectors and removing shoes and tiny bottles of shampoo and the quailers [?], right?But none of that shit makes us safer, it just makes us feel safer. It seems important on the surface but it’s really worthless, like Purell dispensers or monogamy. [Laughs] And it’s not just airports. We fake comfort security theater at concerts, theme parks, sporting events… like, a guy shining a pen light into your bag may make you feel better, but there’s no way it’s helping.

Check out this security guard at a Premier League soccer match.

Hey, that guy’s like me during foreplay. All right, that should do it, let’s head on in.

Going through the security line makes us feel better because we’re really bad at calculating what is a real risk and what isn’t.

Bruce Schneider, Security Expert: We respond to the feeling of security and not the reality. People underestimate risks in situations they do control and overestimate them in situations they don’t control. So once you take up skydiving or smoking, you downplay the risks. If a risk is thrust upon you—terrorism is a good example—you’ll overplay it, because you don’t feel like it’s in your control .

Jim: Terrorism sounds scary because it’s beyond our control. But the truth is we’re more likely to die choking or drowning in the bath than a terror attack.

The Jim Jefferies Show - Number of People Killed Annually in the United States By...

For fuck sake, 29 people a year die being buried alive. And that’s the bad kind of buried alive, not the good kind where you pass out drunk and you wake up with a mermaid tail and great tits. I have no friends some local kids did that to me.

The Jim Jefferies Show - Waking up with a mermaid tail and great tits

TSA employees are like more kind of Santas, I know that they are not really doing anything, they are typically fat guys in uniforms that need to deal with the public and they need to answer the same questions over and over. Also, I once had a molsanda ordered me to remove my clothes so he could give me a pat-down. Look, it was a different time back then 2014. But my son believes that Santa is real and most people believe that the TSA is actually doing something. And I think sometimes it’s good to at least feel secure, but instead of worrying about terrorism we should be worrying about other shit that is more likely to kill us, like lightning or parachute accidents. That’s why our studio’s security doesn’t even screen for guns. We do have a strict not lightning, no parachute, no shovels, no bathtubs,  to fatty foods, no sharp objects, no fireworks, no bees, no tight clothing, no peanuts, no bad luck, no drop bears, no sun illness, no zombies and least no pianos. I always thought it was an overrated instrument… takes up too much of the room. So here’s the Jim Jefferies Show, we are serious about your safety.

The Jim Jefferies Show - Attention

* * *

Keeping America White: Interview with Barbara Lee

As the midterms approach, a battle is brewing for the leadership of the Democratic Party. So I went to Washington D.C. to sit down with the progressive who may just be the secret weapon liberals have been waiting for.

Donald Trump has built a zombie army of supporters by telling it like it is.

[Donald Trump:] I just said it. I didn’t care, I, honestly, want to say what’s right. I don’t care.

Well, the current Democratic leadership seems so scared to say the wrong thing, they practically say nothing at all…

[Nancy Pelosi, Minority Leader of the United States House of Representatives:] But that… but because he…

Democrats desperately need new blood and there’s one hip up-and-coming progressive who’s been turning some heads: 72 year-old congresswoman Barbara Lee. She’s in the Congressional Black Caucus, Progressive Caucus,  Pro-Choice Caucus, LGBT Caucus,  HIV/AIDS, Health Care Task Force, of course, the Asian Pacific American Caucus. If you look at the term “woke” in the dictionary, you’ll see a picture next to it. Really, she’s credited with coining the term. And she might just make history.

The Jim Jefferies Show - Barbara Lee - Woke

[CNN:] Congresswoman Barbara Lee is jumping into the race to become the first African-American woman to hold a house leadership post.

[Jim:] So I traveled to Washington DC and got Barbara Lee to take a break to talk with me.

Jim: First of all your button. Can you tell me about that?

Barbara Lee: We have to constantly stay woke because we have someone in the White House who is trying to destroy our democracy.

Jim: Plus he’s just a bit of an asshole with the way he tweets.

Lee: I don’t understand him at all! He’s strange, he’s different.

Jim: He is an old man.

[Jim:] Barbara Lee speaks her mind about Donald Trump and she is on the front line defending California from the [?] reach of these stubby little fingers.

The Jim Jefferies Show - Barbara Lee - Tweet

Jim: Tell about the Reefer Act.

Lee: The “Reefer Act”? The REFER Act.

Jim: Ahh… REFER.

Lee: You know, California had passed recreational and medicinal, so the federal government needs to stay out of our business…

Jim: I wasn’t far off right?

Lee: … and so we’re saying…

Jim: Why don’t you call it the Reefer Act, that’s a lot more fun!

Lee: You smoke as reefer, if you don’t it’s REFER.

Jim: We’ve the same increase in drug-related problems.

Lee: There’s been no increase in crimes.

Jim: But the sales of Doritos must have gone through the roof.

Lee: Do I eat Doritos? I don’t even drink wine.

Jim: What’s your vice come on!

Lee: I don’t have any! I work!

Jim: So you are a work-alcoholic…

Lee: I water my plants, I love flowers and plants.

[Jim:] Wow, that’s boring even for a democrat. But maybe it’s her love for flowers that will help us snip out GIP bullshit on issues like immigration.

Lee: These children especially are traumatized.
ICE [Immigration and Customs Enforcement] has created unwarranted fear in many of our communities.

Lee: Most of the cities in my district, or sanctuary cities, were prohibiting our local police from conspiring with Trump’s ICE raiders.

Jim: The ICE raiders. They sound like they’re out of Star Wars, right? The have the ICE raiders coming over to you, yes?

Lee: People are living their lives, they don’t deserve to live in fear.

Jim: Can I [?] and be attacked by an ICE raider? I never had any anger towards me coming over here.

Lee: But you don’t look black or brown.

Jim: So it’s no really an immigration thing at all.

Lee: No, it’s Keep America White.

Jim: Yeah.

[Jim:] Barbara Lee isn’t afraid to call out racism, especially when it comes to kids, recently taking education secretary Betsy DeVos to school.

[C-Span3] Lee: Madam Secretary, you just don’t care much about civil rights of black young children. This is horrible.

[Moderator:] Gentleladies, time is expired.

Jim: You’re a big critic of Betsy DeVos.

Lee: Oh, my god.

Jim: What’s up with you and DeVos.

Lee: She was either cutting or zeroing out the offices of civil rights within the Department of Education. I’m not gonna accept that as a person who supports public education. And quite frankly I wish that she would leave.

Jim: Take that Betsy! What’s your opinion on sex education in high schools?

Lee: Young people need to know how to prevent unwanted pregnancies and this administration it’s taking us backwards.

Jim: I never had sex education. My mother was the substitute teacher. I just walked in one day—this is the truth, this is true—and it was just my mother with a chart. She just pulled the paper and said “this is a penis…”, and I went “all right, well I’m not showing up to this class again”. So I never had one piece of sex education.

Lee: Me either, I was a teen pregnant mom.

Jim: You were 17?

Lee: Yeah, I was pregnant when I was a teenager. Sure, I would have wanted to have comprehensive sex education.

Jim: So your kids are watching right now, so you’re basically saying you didn’t want them.

Lee: I can’t say that!

Jim: It’s like my son, I love him dearly but if I could get a life without you Hank…

[Jim:] It’s easy to blame Republicans for the problems facing America. The Democrats could use a hard working, work later, like Barbara Lee to stand up to the elected, all dysfunctional Donald Trump’s presidency.

Lee: We can get there, I believe, and say no to all of the ugly stuff.

Jim: Don’t be an asshole.

Lee: I can’t say that. You can’t.

Jim: But it’s right.

* * *

Cartel Puts out Bounty on K9 Officer

American security situation may be a little bit… shit. If you want some serious crime fighting, checkout Columbia.

[El Tiempo News] Sombra, the 6 year old German shepherd has help Colombian police sniff out more than 9 tons of cocaine and led to the arrest of hundreds of people. She is so successful Colombia’s most powerful drug gang is offering a reward for killing her or capturing her.

Jim: Holy shit! The cartel put out a hit on a German shepherd! Look, you should stop showing on TV so much, you are not helping the dog! Here she is working, her she’s from a different angle. Here she’s in the yellow vest she wears to work every single fucking day. Why not just print out the map of the route she takes to work every day! Also, look, I’m not trying to escalate a drug war or anything, but if you are the cartel maybe your first thought shouldn’t be “we need to kill that dog.” It should be “we need to hide out drugs better.” Did you really need to put a bounty on her? Couldn’t you just threatened the dog? You could have her woken up in bed with the cut-off head of a squeaky toy. And a note that said “bad girl!”

The Jim Jefferies Show - Cartel Puts out Bounty on Police Dog

Luckily for Sombra, the police found out about the hit and she’s being protected.

[CNN Live] And a one more thing on her: she’s due to retire in a couple of years so she’s going to be safer there.

Jim: She’s scheduled for retirement. She’d be like, [barking] “I’m getting too old for this shit! I’m 7! When you’ve lived as long as I have, you’ve seen some serious stuff. I remember when the song Gangnam Style came out! K-pop they called it!” Because this is ridiculous, she wouldn’t say that in English, she would say that in her native tongue, Colombian. Enjoy your retirement Sombra, or as you would say “feliz navidad.”

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