Young Sheldon
Season 7 Episode 9
Episode title: A Fancy Article and a Scholarship for a Baby
Original air date: April 25, 2024 (CBS)
Plot: Sheldon’s published paper leads to a frenzy of grad school recruiting, and Georgie tries to speak more properly in front of his daughter.
* * *
MARY: Oh, Shelly, you got a package from your little friend.
SHELDON: Dr. Sturgis sent me something? He’s so cute.
No, your tutor friend from Germany.
SHELDON: Mei-Tung was not my tutor, she just assisted me in learning things I didn’t understand yet.
What’d you get?
SHELDON: It’s the latest issue of the International Physics Review. “Sheldon, check out page 58. I never thought I’d be published in such a prestigious journal.”
Wow, good for her.
SHELDON: Good for her? What kind of monster sends mail across multiple time zones just to rub their success in my face? Indulging the ramblings of a child. My respect for this esteemed journal is plummeting. Oh, my.
MARY: What is it?
SHELDON: It’s the paper I wrote with Mei-Tung. I’m the coauthor of an article in a highly esteemed physics journal.
Well, that’s neat, Sheldon.
SHELDON: Neat is a robot that doesn’t look like a truck that turns into a truck. This treatise revolutionizes the theory of manifolds.
What word would you like me to use?
SHELDON: How about… transformative?
Sheldon, that’s transformative.
SHELDON: Thank you.
Hey.
Hey, how was school?
Good. I got an “A.”
That’s amazing!
SHELDON: She gets an “amazing”? All-all she did was color inside the lines.
She tell you?
Yes, so great.
SHELDON: Dad, I got published in International Physics Review.
Nice, buddy. (pats back) Ooh, new boat catalog.
MEEMAW: An “A”?
That’s nice, sweetie.
It’s Medford from the year I was born.
SHELDON: Aren’t we going a little overboard with this “A” thing?
Hey, some of us never got an “A.”
Really? Not even one?
If only they graded lunch.
I’ll have you know, I love my body.
(chuckles) MARY: Shelly, tell your meemaw about your fancy article.
SHELDON: Gladly. As an alternative to the Calabi-Yau manifold, we’ve come up with a new shape to compactify the extra dimensions in string theory.
Well… hot dog.
SHELDON: Hot dog?
Maybe explain it a little more simply.
She means dumb it down.
Hey. But, yeah.
SHELDON: You know how a Mobius strip generalized to the third dimension is a Klein bottle?
Dumber.
SHELDON: A Mobius strip is a two-dimensional manifold that’s embedded in…
Dumber.
SHELDON: Do you know what a square is?
Yes.
SHELDON: Cube?
Of course.
SHELDON: Then you know what a C-8 octachoron is.
And for your information, I’ve lost a little weight.
You got to eat them Cheerios, they’re good for you. You can tell ’cause there ain’t no cartoon on the box. Now, Cocoa Puffs got that bird on ’em, and he’s cuckoo for ’em.
Maybe she’d like some bananas or some applesauce?
She don’t like none of that.
Any of that.
Any of what?
She doesn’t like any of that.
That’s what I said.
No, you said, “She don’t like none of that.”
We’re sayin’ the same thang.
No, we’re saying the same thing.
Exactly.
And we aren’t.
We ain’t?
I just think you may want to try speaking more properly in front of your daughter.
Ain’t nothin’ wrong with the way I talk. Lotta people talk like me.
True, but maybe CeeCee will have better opportunities in life if she’s well-spoken.
She don’t even talk yet.
No, she doesn’t. (chuckles softly) But she’s listening and she’s learning, and we don’t want her first word to be “dang it.”
Better that than whatever the snooty version of “dang it” is.
It’s “darn it.”
Dang it, I knew that.
Remarkable work. Well done, lad.
Yes, first paper published at 14. Oh. You’re officially a wunderkind.
SHELDON: Did you catch my sly in-joke about a tesseract?
Did I?
I did.
Did you?
(quietly): I don’t know.
SHELDON: It’s refreshing to talk to people who appreciate my work.
Appreciate it, understand it, and are inspired by it.
Ditto, ditto and ditto.
And I’m sure your family is very proud.
SHELDON: Yes, but not just me. Childish maps, impregnating a woman out of wedlock– they’re proud of all their kids.
The important thing is, that kid belongs to us. He is our cash cow. Okay. Explain this to me so I sound like I know what I’m talking about when I shake the donor tree.
Well, young Mr. Cooper has reimagined string theory.
And compactified dimensions like nobody’s business.
(both chuckle)
You don’t understand this, do you?
No. Not really.
I mean, we get what he’s trying to do.
Absolutely.
No, we don’t really understand it.
Not a bit.
So two of the top minds at our school are flummoxed by a 14-year-old.
Well, “flummoxed” is a strong word.
But accurate.
Accurate.
Mm-hmm. Okay, maybe I can sell this by saying that this is so advanced that even other brilliant scientists don’t understand it.
Sexy.
(growls)
Don’t do that.
(phone ringing)
Hello? This is she. Oh, really?
Who is it? If it’s a guy about a boat, hang up.
One moment, please. It’s Princeton. They want to talk about Sheldon going to grad school.
Ooh, what are they offering?
I don’t know.
Full-ride?
I said I don’t know.
Well, ask ’em.
I will if you’ll shut up.
Okay, but I wouldn’t use that tone.
(knock at door)
I’ll get it. Remember, cash is king.
Well, howdy. Is this the Cooper residence?
It is.
Phil Lambert, Stanford University. I was just passing through Medford and I would love to talk to you about your son’s future.
Come on in, Phil. Hey, Mare, tell Princeton, Stanford’s passing through.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
Well, I was kind of hoping I could meet Sheldon.
All in good time. We still got to whip some of the lumps out of that offer of yours. We’ll be in touch.
(stammers) Okay.
Whip some of the lumps?
Point is, Sheldon’s gobbledygook article got us a bidding war.
George, what do you know about grad school?
Nothing, but I do know about recruiting blue chip talent. These schools want him, and we got him.
He’s not a prize heifer to auction off.
Mary, we got two average kids. Let’s cash in on the smart one.
Do you think I talk funny?
What’d my mom say?
Just that I should speak more proper.
You’re fine, and she should mind her own business.
Thanks, ’cause she’s all worried CeeCee’s gonna sound like me.
Oh.
What?
Nothing. You know, when I was a weather girl, I took some speech classes, and they really seemed to help.
Did you used to sound like me?
Oh, sweetie, no. (laughs)
Incoming, nine o’clock.
Well, I hope you two are happy. Sheldon is being recruited by Princeton, by Stanford, MIT, Caltech. We are losing him, and you two have done nothing.
What can we do? Those are some of the best schools in the world.
We have a wonderful graduate program for physics.
Actually…
You’re the chair of the department.
Yes, and the program is far from wonderful.
That said, our animal husbandry department is first-rate.
Fine. (sighs) We have other cards to play. Uh… we’re near his family, and he loves you two– God knows why– and most importantly, he hates change.
I changed deodorants once. He made me change it back. Apparently, I smelled too outdoorsy.
All right, look, we-we’ve been catering to Sheldon and his family for years, so let’s take advantage of what we know and use it to keep him at East Texas Tech.
His mother is very religious. Someone might mention Caltech was founded by a Satanist.
Good, good. Wait-wait, is that true? Actually, I don’t care. We’re using it.
It is true.
And again, I don’t care, So, what else we got?
Eh, with all the freeways and traffic in California, he’s gonna need a car.
George, he’s 14.
Right. He’s gonna need a car and a driver.
We can arrange that. So, what do you say? Stephen Hawking and Sheldon Cooper together at Caltech?
It’s very promising.
And of course, some of our alumni include John Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
That’s an awful lot of Democrats.
Although Harvard did have some impressive alumni.
Bunch of presidents and that gal on the court.
Mm-hmm.
I thought U.T. was burnt orange?
Oh, no, that’s the University of Texas. We’re the University of Toronto. Go, True Blue.
Toronto?
Yes, sir, we’re the Harvard of the North, eh.
Well, you should probably get going. Got a long trip ahead of you.
I like everything I’m hearing, but, at the end of the day, this’ll be Sheldon’s choice.
Absolutely.
Hang on a sec. I see an engineering department, a physics department, computer lab. What I don’t see is a church.
Don’t worry, we have a beautiful nondenominational chapel built in 1956.
Nondenominational?
Everyone’s welcome.
STURGIS: Hello, Sheldon.
LINKLETTER: There’s my guy.
SHELDON: Oh, hello. Is everything okay?
Does something have to be wrong to hang out with a pal?
Here at East Texas Tech, we’re not just your faculty, we’re your friends.
SHELDON: In the past, you made it very clear that we’re not friends.
That’s just me giving you the business the way buddies do, you little scamp. Sorry, that was a little hard.
We know this recruiting thing can be stressful, and we just wanted to see how you’re holding up.
SHELDON: It’s actually not stressful at all. My parents have been handling most of it.
That’s great. That’s why it’s good to have family close by.
Friends and family just a hop, skip and a jump away.
SHELDON: I don’t hop, skip or jump.
See, that’s that sense of humor that we get but strangers may not.
Yes. (forced laughter)
Son, I know you have a lot of options for grad school, and I’m sure you’ll make the right choice for yourself and your sweet, aging grandma.
Who will miss you so much if you leave.
Moon Pie– isn’t that what she calls you?
SHELDON: Yes.
Sweet.
So sweet.
Hey, what you doing?
Reading.
English Grammar and Composition?
It’s Missy’s.
You know, you don’t have to do this.
Well, I want to do it for CeeCee.
Well, maybe I can help.
Yeah?
Yeah, you don’t need a book. Let’s just start simple. Um, instead of “ain’t,” try “isn’t.”
That isn’t gonna be a problem.
There you go. Now, let’s work on “wasn’t.”
Wadn’t.
Wasn’t.
Wadn’t.
See, I’m not hearing the “S.”
That’s ’cause it wadn’t there.
GEORGE SR.: So, we’ve narrowed it down to five schools. We got Caltech and Stanford in California.
The left coast.
Mom.
It is.
Can I continue?
Also known as the land of fruits and nuts. Continue.
And on the East Coast, we got MIT, Harvard and Princeton.
Damn Yankees.
We can’t move the schools, Connie.
There’s also East Texas Tech.
Is that a school that you’re considering?
I have friends there, and it’s close to all of you.
Why would you want to be close to us?
GEORGE SR.: Missy. This is your decision, but best I understand, these other schools are the major leagues, and East Texas Tech is T-ball.
SHELDON: Please don’t make sports analogies.
Fine. These schools are like… Superman and East Texas Tech is like… regular man?
SHELDON: Better, I think.
If you’re worried about being far away, they’re all offering to pay for travel expenses so you can come home for the holidays.
But to be clear, you don’t have to.
And we can also come and visit you.
Ooh, free trip. I like that.
You were just complaining about these places.
I can complain on a beach.
SHELDON: This is a difficult decision.
Which is why we’re all here to help you make it.
FRESH PRINCE (on TV): ♪ Now, this is a story ♪
♪ All about how my life got… ♪
Are we not done? It-it felt done.
(knock on door)
SHELDON: Come in.
What are you doing?
SHELDON: I can’t sleep. This is the biggest decision of my life.
What’s all this?
SHELDON: I’m employing an algorithm to assigns points to each school so I can statistically decide which is the best.
Hmm. How about “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe”?
SHELDON: I won’t miss you.
Same. What school’s winning?
SHELDON: I’ve narrowed it down to Caltech and MIT. Geographically equidistant, so the travel time home would be about the same. Caltech has Stephen Hawking, which is exciting, but he hasn’t won a Nobel Prize, unlike Henry Kendall at MIT, who recently did.
What’s this little guy?
SHELDON: Both schools’ mascot is a beaver. Not pertinent to my needs, but amusing nonetheless.
Mm. Well, if you want my opinion, I say pick the one that’s near the beach and Hollywood.
SHELDON: I hate those. Advantage MIT.
Where’s that?
SHELDON: Boston.
So, what’s your gut say?
SHELDON: It doesn’t say anything. It’s not a thinking organ.
Fine, what’s your… Spidey-sense tell you?
SHELDON: Spidey-sense warns Peter Parker of imminent danger. It doesn’t help him pick schools.
Well, the important thing is, no matter where you go, I’m gonna turn this room into a dance studio. Mm-hmm.
(knock at door)
Howdy.
Well, howdy yourself.
Is this a bad time?
No, but Sheldon’s not here, if you were hoping to talk to him.
No, I was fixing to talk to you and your hubby.
Come on in.
I brought you some pecan pie and some beer to wash it down.
You didn’t have to do that.
Oh, it’s no problem. It’s my ding-dang pleasure.
Okay. George?
President Hagemeyer. This is a real honor, having you visit.
Oh, stop it with that President nonsense. It’s Linda… y’all.
Okay, Linda, so how can we help you?
No, no, no, how can I help you?
Gee, I don’t know. Rain gutters could use cleaning.
George.
Just a joke.
Well, it doesn’t have to be. You got a ladder and some gloves, I’m your gal. (chuckles) And I guess that’s why I’m here. You know, everybody’s rolling out the red carpet for Sheldon, as they should. But, I mean, who’s looking after your needs?
Our needs? I don’t understand.
Wouldn’t you like all your children to be college graduates?
(laughs) Wait, are you serious?
I’m in a position to offer a full scholarship to Sheldon’s twin sister, his older brother, and I understand there’s a grandchild in the mix. Just imagine how expensive tuition will be 18 years from now.
Wow, that is very generous.
No, no, no, I don’t– I don’t think so. No, I think it’s just giving you good, hardworking folk what you deserve.
I don’t know what to say.
Yeah, we… we’ll have to talk it over a little.
At the end of the day, it’s still Sheldon’s decision.
Oh, of course, but-but it’s also a family decision, and that is what East Texas Tech is all about. Family. Or, as I like to say, kin.
(enunciating): Your mother has been helping me, and it has not been easy. But I’m going to keep working on it for you. Okay, let’s get you cleaned up.
See? He’s tryin’.
Try-ing.
It’s nice to see. Who’s ready for coffee?
I believe you mean, “Whom’s ready for coffee?”
Whom’s?
Oh, let him have this one.
STURGIS: Sheldon?
SHELDON: Which is better? One or two?
One, two?
Hat I’ll never wear one, hat I’ll never wear two.
Are you okay?
SHELDON: No, I didn’t sleep at all last night. For the life of me, I can’t decide between Caltech and MIT. No matter how I analyze it, how I break it down, they’re basically equal.
Great, then just pick the one you want.
SHELDON: What I want is to not have to make this decision.
Well, you could always stay here.
SHELDON: Maybe you’re right. Maybe deciding not to decide is the best decision I can decide.
Possibly.
SHELDON: After all, an object at rest stays at rest. That’s just physics.
The kind of physics we understand.
SHELDON: Very well, I’ll stay here, I’ll work with you two, and everything will be…
Stop. I can’t do this.
I’m glad you said that. I’m also having qualms.
SHELDON: What are you talking about?
You.
We have to do the right thing for him.
And for science.
So, we’re in agreement?
Consequences be damned.
SHELDON: Will someone please tell me what’s going on?
Sheldon, you can’t stay here.
SHELDON: Why?
You’ve outgrown us.
Me, literally.
You deserve the best education possible.
You’re going to do great things, Sheldon. And we’re proud to have been a small part of your journey.
SHELDON: So, where should I go?
Caltech. MIT.
(sportscaster speaking indistinctly on TV)
SHELDON: Mom, Dad, I’ve made a decision.
All right.
SHELDON: I’m going to MIT.
ADULT SHELDON: I know what you’re thinking. Wait for it.
SHELDON: I’m so excited to visit MIT.
Me, too. Proud of you, son.
SHELDON: Thank you, Dad.
SHELDON: Caltech?
Caltech.
ADULT SHELDON: Told you.
I don’t know what to tell you, Linda. We begged him to stay.
I got down on my knees, and, well, John was already there.
We did everything we could to keep him.
I wore a cowboy hat and offered a scholarship to a baby.
Ooh. You win.
Damn straight.
I’d like to propose a toast. To our complete and utter lack of integrity.
(chuckles)
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
