In Paris, the crème of the Western elite has gathered. We flatten entire countries with total indifference, but when a church burns, we cannot find peace. Notre Dame reopens, serving as a perfect excuse for yet another high-profile parade. Hosting the event is the worst French president since the days of Asterix and Obelix. A true catastrophe. Even former African colonies have rebelled against Macron, while the authentic French are in despair. As they wait for someone to finally respect their vote, they count the days until their president returns to the banking sector. Most of the illustrious guests hadn’t set foot in a church for decades, and staying awake proved to be quite the challenge. Among them were zealous defenders of Christian values who happily endorse cluster bombs, alongside fervent protectors of traditional family values who cheat on and betray their spouses.
The guest of honor was a smiling Trump, sporting a fluorescent yellow tie. The newly elected president is fresh from appointing the craziest government in the world. Truly a popcorn-worthy show. Last time, the establishment turned against him, so he’s chosen loyalists who despise the very institutions they are supposed to lead, and who are even less competent than he is. From his perspective, it’s a smart move; for the American empire, it’s the final blow. Trump continues to send reassuring signals, claiming the world has gone mad and that Syria isn’t their fight. Good, but the tiny problem is that politicians nowadays wield the same influence as a two of spades when clubs are trump. To prevent wars, Trump needs to leash his secret services, put the Pentagon on a strict diet, and rein in NATO’s warmongers who are dragging us toward World War III for no apparent reason.
But the jet set looms large. After surviving the soporific ceremony at the cathedral, Western leaders were welcomed into Art Deco mansions adorned with red carpets and Louis XVI furniture for souvenir photos. The King of England’s son was there to uphold the family’s colonial tradition; his father seems tired of rotten vegetables and verbal abuse. Also present was Biden’s wife, while the President remained on the threshold of the afterlife, gazing at the light. Arriving late but omnipresent was Elon Musk, who allegedly managed to sell a couple of antennas to an elderly Andalusian woman by the end of the night.
The evening continued for the night owls to the tunes of Aznavour, with snail canapés and frog skewers stuffed with Camembert and walnuts. The undisputed protagonist was Zelensky, the hero of the steppe, who showed up in a parka and combat boots, as if he’d just emerged from the trenches and not a five-star hotel. Truly heroic acting. Putin wasn’t even invited—apparently, he’s accused of setting fire to the cathedral because he’s inherently evil and hates us all. Before the cream-and-anchovy dessert, Zelensky held a top-secret meeting with Trump and their host, Macron, in a secluded sitting room. Leaks suggest a new victory plan in two phases: find a white flag and wave it. But with dignity, as victors would. Trump also offered Zelensky a few houses in Florida that might suit him.
In short, a prestigious Parisian evening filled with brotherhood, where distinguished guests applauded the resurrection of a symbol of Western civilization like Notre Dame and calmly discussed everything—or almost everything. It seems that the word “Palestine” has become taboo at such lofty social heights; anyone who utters it causes panic. After all, those plush seats are no joke; if you end up targeted by the pro-Israel lobby, you might have to find a real job to survive. God forbid. And enough is enough. It’s been over a year now—maybe they should stop getting themselves exterminated and just roll up their sleeves. Oh right, nobody cares about the poor souls in rococo palaces. The West is the most advanced civilization on the planet, where everything runs perfectly: generations of workers rush happily to their posts while shopping malls overflow with affordable happiness. Truly a great era and a great evening! Merci beaucoup et au revoir.
