Wednesday – S01E07 – If You Don’t Woe Me by Now | Transcript

Kooky Uncle Fester pays a visit and shares his theory about the monster. Wednesday begrudgingly agrees to a date with Tyler at Crackstone's crypt.
Wednesday (TV series)

Original release date: November 23, 2022

At Mayor Walker’s funeral, Wednesday notices a lurking figure and chases it into the forest. The figure is revealed to be Uncle Fester, who explains to Wednesday that the monster she has been investigating is a Hyde. Together, they retrieve a diary from the hidden library revealing that a Hyde must always have a master. Later, they track and follow Xavier, who they witness meeting up with Dr. Kinbott, Wednesday’s therapist, in the forest. After returning from a date with Tyler, Wednesday finds her dorm ravaged, the diary stolen, and Thing gravely injured. Research into Laurel Gates reveals that she is both alive and the master of the Hyde. Wednesday initially suspects Dr. Kinbott, but she is killed by the Hyde. Police arrive to arrest Xavier, who Wednesday believes to be the creature. Wednesday meets with Tyler and kisses him but suddenly has a vision of him being the Hyde.

* * *

[thunder rumbling]

[“If I Be Wrong” by Wolf Larsen playing]

[Wednesday] I enjoy funerals.

I’ve been crashing them since I was old enough to read the obituary section.

“God is our refuge and strength…”

Mayor Walker was murdered, and I know the killer is here, standing innocently among us, plotting their next move.

And watching everything I do.

I know I’m close to the truth.

I have all the pieces of the jigsaw.

I just need to slot them into place.

♪ What if I’m wrong? ♪

♪ What if I lied? ♪

♪ What if I’ve dragged you here ♪

♪ To my own dark night ♪

♪ And what if I know ♪

♪ What if I see ♪

♪ There is a crack run right down ♪

♪ The front of me ♪

I must look past the tears and masks of grief.

Until now, I may have been outmatched and outmaneuvered,

but the final gambit has yet to be played.

The killer will make a mistake,

and I’ll be ready.

[low, ominous music playing]

[suspenseful chase music playing]

[mysterious music playing]

[blade rasps]

[electricity crackles]

[man] Still as sharp as ever, my pig-tailed protégé.

Uncle Fester.

[fay, wondrous music playing]


[jauntily macabre music playing]

[Wednesday] How long have you been stalking me?

[Fester] Just blew into town this morning and was hit by a wave of nostalgia.

I thought you didn’t go to Nevermore.

I didn’t. Your dad got all the brains.

But I used to drop in on him.

Usually from the ceiling with a dagger clutched between my teeth.

Just to keep him on his toes.

Of course.

He filled me in on what’s been going on.

Monsters, murder, mayhem.

What fun!

I told him I had a job in Boston, but I’d be checking up on you.

What kind of job?

The kind that means I need somewhere to lay low for a couple days.

[whimsically eerie music playing]

This place belongs to a friend.

You’ve actually made a friend.

That poor kid will be going home in a body bag.

Oh. [chuckles]

I like a hideout that comes with snacks.

Those bees are hibernating.

They’re practically Eugene’s children.

Ooh. [chuckles]


That means do not eat them!

[Fester] You know,

when you give me that death stare of disapproval,

you remind me of your mother.

Speaking of scary things,

you know what kind of monster you’re dealing with?

I haven’t been able to identify it.


[chilling music playing]

It’s called a Hyde.

As in Jekyll and Hyde?


You’ve seen one before?

Oh yeah.

In ’83, during my vacay at the Zurich Institute for the Criminally Insane.

Where I got my first lobotomy.

But you know lobotomies. They’re like tattoos. Can’t just get one.

Tell me about the Hyde.

Ah. Olga Malacova.

Jeez. She had it all.

Beauty, brains, and a penchant for necrophilia.

[Fester chuckles, claps]

Olga was a concert pianist,

until one night she transformed in the middle of a Chopin sonata.

Massacred a dozen audience members.

And three music critics.

What triggered her? Or did she just change on her own?

No idea.

I only saw her in group electroshock therapy.

There’s never been any mention of Hydes in any outcast book.

And Nevermore is reputed for having the best collection.

You try Nathaniel Faulkner’s diary?


Before he founded Nevermore,

Faulkner traveled the world, cataloging every outcast community.

How do you know this?

You think your parents can’t keep their hands off each other now, oy vey.

I showed up unannounced one night in Gomez’s dorm room.

Let’s just say I wasn’t interrupting a pillow fight.

Uncle Fester.

[restrained laughter]


The diary, where is it?

Nightshades Library.

Your dad parked me there and said I should settle in for a long stretch.

And that’s when I found this nifty little safe.

I was hoping for a stash of cash or jewels but instead I found a diary.

We’ll sneak into the Nightshades Library tonight.

In the meantime, lay low.

If you are discovered,

I will disown you and collect the reward tied to your capture.

I’d expect nothing less.

Leave the bees alone.

[simpering chuckle]

[elegant classical guitar music playing]

[keys clacking]

[Wednesday] My novel started out as a twisted fiction,

but somehow reality has turned it into my own personal looking glass.

My visit to the Gates mansion has left me with so many questions.

If Laurel Gates died 20 years ago, then who’s sleeping in her bedroom?

Why do they have photos of me?

And what is their connection to this Hyde?

Whoever it is, they’re clearly willing to kill for their secret.

Goody predicted this quest for answers would become a lonely pursuit.

Of course, Goody’s nowhere to be found when I need her.

[door rattling]

The dead can be just as annoying and unreliable as the living.


Sorry, I figured you were still at Mayor Walker’s wake.

As soon as the dirt hits the coffin, I’m out.

I can’t seem to find my bottle of silver moon nail polish.

[music stops]

Do you mind if I look around?

Yoko’s hosting a mani-pedi party for her crew.

This is the third time in 24 hours you’ve forgotten something.


how is everything going?

Solitude suits me.

With no annoying distractions, I’m almost finished with my novel.

Was I an annoying distraction?

You definitely had some annoying habits.

Such as?

You giggle when you text, which is a 24/7 addiction.

At least it’s not a migraine-inducing typewriter hammering into my head.

When not grinding your canines, you growl in your sleep.

As opposed to late night cello solos?

You over-commit to activities, then complain about them.

I’d take that over your obsession with all things creepy.

You could gas an entire village with the amount of perfume you spritz.

That’s just off the top of my head.

Guess I’m lucky with the new bestie that doesn’t try to find ways

to endanger literally everybody she comes into contact with.

In fact, Yoko and I are so in sync that she’s begging me to be her new roomie.


Don’t let me hold you back.

Enjoy your solitude, Wednesday.

It’s not solitude if you’re still here.

[door slams]

[adventurous, sweeping music playing]

[snaps twice]

[gears clicking, clacking]

[chilling music playing]

Uncle Fester?

Who’s Uncle Fester?

What are you doing here?

Since I’m an actual Nightshade, I don’t have to explain myself.

What’s your excuse for creeping around in the middle of the night?


On the monster?

I’ll save you some time.

There’s nothing in here matching that thing.

Isn’t that convenient?

You know what your problem is?

I would love to hear your piercing insight.

You don’t know who your real friends are.

I’ve been on your side since day one.

I literally saved your life.

I believed your theories when nobody else did.

And what do I get in return? Just nothing but suspicion and lies.

Fine. You want honesty? Here it is.

Every time the monster’s attacked, you’ve been right there.

Starting with Rowan at the Harvest Festival.

[fireworks whistling]



Then on Outreach Day,

you arrived just minutes after the monster disappeared,

yet you say you didn’t see it.

I didn’t realize proximity was a crime.

Then there’s your drawing obsession.

You have drawn the monster dozens of times,

yet you’ve never seen it. Or so you claim.

You even drew where it lived. Then when Eugene went to investigate,

you tried to kill him so he wouldn’t spill your secret.

You think I would hurt Eugene?

Let’s not forget your oh-so-convenient appearance

after Tyler had been attacked at the Gates mansion.

If I am the monster,

then why haven’t I killed you?

Because for some reason I cannot fathom or indulge, you seem to like me.

What’s to like?

[broody, chilling music playing]

[door closes]


How long have you been lurking?

Long enough to feel the tension between you two.


Seriously, you could cut it with an executioner’s axe.

[rapid scrabbling]

I’d recognize the patter of those fingertips anywhere.

Hello, Thing.

[emphatic tap]

You can’t still be mad about the Kalamazoo job.

It wasn’t my fault.

[Fester gurgles]

You said you could crack that safe in 30 seconds.

Five minutes later, we were still there.

You’re all thumbs.

[forcefully] Enough.

[cheeky music playing]

Let him go.

Show me the diary.

[wet squelch]

[electricity crackles]

[Fester] Here we are.

Iggy was Faulkner’s right hand.

Trained a generation of Nightshades.

And behind Iggy Itt…

Do I have time for a snooze, or can you crack this quickly?

[insulted, determined music playing]

[knuckles crack]

[dial clicking rapidly]

[safe clatters]

[Fester] This is turning into a replay of Kalamazoo.

[resounding click]


These are some sweet digs.

How’d you swing your own single?

My former roommate couldn’t handle my toxic personality.

[Fester] Mmm.

Here it is.

[suspenseful music playing]

Faulkner describes Hydes as artists by nature,

but equally vindictive in temperament.

Born of mutation, the Hyde lays dormant until unleashed by a traumatic event

or unlocked through chemical inducement or hypnosis.

This causes the Hyde to develop an immediate bond with its liberator,

who the creature now sees as its master.

It becomes the willing instrument of whatever nefarious agenda

this new master might propose.

[Fester] Anyone willing to unlock a Hyde is a next-level sicko.

That means I’m not looking for one killer but two.

The monster and its master.

[knocking at door]

[relieved sigh]

I didn’t mean to startle you.

I was just working on my novel.

Enid has requested to room with Yoko for the rest of the school year.

She did?

When there’s a falling out,

I like to get both girls’ perspectives on what happened.

You two seemed as thick as thieves.

Ultimately, thieves turn on each other. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

Deflect all you want, but you and I both know that you care about Enid.

And you have to admit she managed to bring out a spark of warmth in you.

Oh, don’t worry. Just a tiny spark.

Barely perceptible to the average eye,

but… I noticed.

Part of the dorm experience is

making friends with people that you wouldn’t normally connect with.

And those friendships often turn into lifelong bonds.

I would rather buy a rope.

Is it really so difficult for you to admit that you made a friend,

and now that she’s gone you might actually miss her?

I’ll survive alone.

I always have.

Well, if that’s your decision, I’ll submit the forms to Principal Weems.

[door opens]

[exasperated sigh]

Uncle Fester?

[faint squeaking]

[deflated squeak]

[whimsically eerie music playing]

Uncle Fester?

[muffled giggle]

Hey! Being a solo lobo has its perks.

You get to live by your own rules, do whatever you want.

Just look at me. [chortles]

[whimsically eerie music continues, trails off]

[chilling music playing]

Hi. Um, I need to talk to you.

No, like… like, right now.

Yeah, I know where that is.

Okay, I can meet you there in, like, 20 minutes.

Okay. Bye.

Who’re you talking to?

It’s none of your goddamn business.

I know what you are, Xavier.

Can you stay the hell away from me?

Did you place the tracker?

Don’t worry. Uncle Fester’s got you covered.

[lo-fi electronic beeping]

Okay. Let’s hit the road.


I picked it up on my way out of town.

You know me. I like to travel incognito.

[Fester chuckling]

[groovy, kooky music playing]

Come on, let’s roll!

[music trails off]

[tense music playing]

[indistinct voice] Hey! What’s so urgent?

What happened?

I had a dream where you died.

[scoffs] Get in the car.

[tower bell tolls]

Principal Weems, it is imperative I speak with you about Dr. Kinbott.

Wednesday. We were just talking about you.

[Kinbott] Speak of the devil.

[foreboding music playing]

And she shall appear.

Dr. Kinbott was just discussing your assessment.

I need to sign off on it before she hands it in to the court.

Well, what’s the verdict, Doctor? Am I cured?

I’m glad you find it amusing. The judge assigned to your case won’t.

I’ve explained to Dr. Kinbott

that you’ve recently been taking small but meaningful steps

towards embracing your new Nevermore family.


I think I’ve actually reached the half-hug stage.

I’ve been reading about hypnotherapy.

It might be a good technique to unlock my inner Wednesday.

Are you a devotee?

Yes, very much so.

I applaud your new willingness to delve deep into yourself.

I’m seeing you on Monday.

We can start then.

What did you so urgently need to discuss, Wednesday?

It can wait.

Now if you’ll excuse me,

I have some homework to finish.

[door closes]

Kinbott has to be Xavier’s master.

[Fester] Hmm.

The Hyde lays dormant until unleashed by a traumatic event

or unlocked through chemical inducement or hypnosis.


[Fester slurping]

Are you listening?

She must’ve figured out he’s a Hyde and used hypnotherapy to unlock him.

That would explain their secret sessions.

I think the kid behind the counter has clocked me.

Yeah. He’s walking over.

I’m gonna put him in a Romanian sleeper hold.

Cover me.


He’s not interested in you.

Uh, made you a quad. On the house.

Hey, thanks kid. [chuckles]

Need a refill on this puppy too.



This is my Uncle Fester.

Oh. Uh…

Hi, it’s nice to…



[Fester snickering]

Is that…?

It’s called a Hyde.

[Tyler] Whoa, that’s it. From that night.

Your father gave you explicit instructions not to be near me.

Yeah, my dad’s not here, and I’m on a break.

Well, apparently a Hyde needs to be unlocked by someone. Its master.

Holy shit.

[Galpin] Tyler.

What’d I say?

[Tyler] Uh…

For the record, Wednesday was trying to keep her distance.

I was the one that sat down with her.

All right.

Putting these up around town.

It’s a bank robbery suspect, and he’s a real creep.

You haven’t seen him, have you?


Yeah, he’d be pretty hard to miss. [snickers]

I’ll pin it on the bulletin board.

Ah, why waste my breath?

Thank you. But you didn’t have to do that.

Yeah, your family’s very… colorful.

Ironic considering Fester’s the black sheep.

He’s harmless.

So, about rescheduling our date…

Between the monster and my uncle…

Hey, no excuses.

Figure after what happened last time, you owe me.

I can’t sneak off of campus. All eyes are on me.

You won’t have to.

I’ll come to you.

9:00 p.m., Crackstone’s Crypt.

[thunder rumbling]

[insistent tapping]

I don’t miss her.

Friends are a liability and can be exploited.

That makes them weaknesses.

Your job is to guard that diary while I’m gone.

I’ll be back as soon as I can.

It’s not a date.

It’s a quid pro quo for almost getting him disemboweled.

Watch that diary!

Last time somebody threw a surprise for me here, it did not go as planned.

I guarantee this one won’t make you pass out cold.

But you do have to close your eyes.

Are you serious?


I’m only doing this because I owe you.

Okay. Watch your step.

Wait here. Close your eyes.


Easy. Right here.

One second.

[door slam echoes]

Okay, you can open your eyes now.

[delicate, wondrous music playing]

What? No one’s ever taken you on a picnic inside a crypt before?

How do you feel about scary movies?

Prepare to be horrified.

[“Perfect Day” by Hoku playing]

♪ Sun’s up, it’s a little after 12:00 ♪

♪ Make breakfast for myself ♪

♪ Leave the work for someone else ♪

♪ People say ♪

♪ They say that it’s just a phase ♪

♪ They tell me to act my age ♪

♪ Well, I am ♪

♪ On this perfect day ♪

[song trails off]

[indistinct police radio chatter]

That is definitely our suspect’s bike.

Looks as weird as he does.

All right, he couldn’t have got too far on foot. So, you guys spread out.

I’m going to check down by the lake.

[bird trilling]

[Wednesday] That was torture.

Thank you.

[wry chuckle]

Okay, don’t hate me. I’m just gonna come out and say it.

I want us to be more than friends.

[tender, emotional music playing]

You’ll snap out of it.

Don’t do that.

Discount my feelings.

I’m not friend material, let alone more-than-friend material.

I will ignore you, stomp on your heart,

and always put my needs and interests first.

Yeah, you can keep trying to push me away.

It’s not going to work.

I almost killed you.

I survived.

Beginner’s luck.

I’m tougher than you think.

You’re making a mistake.



[door opens]

[gun cocks]

What the hell?


Dad? What are you doing here?

The school groundskeeper found a motorbike by the lake.

It matches the description of the one the bank robber stole.

There’s a canoe missing. Figured he might be on Raven Island.

I’m not going to ask what this is, but I never saw the two of you here.

You got it?

Unbelievable. Come on.

[low, unnerving music playing]

The diary…



[jarring stinger]


[dramatic music playing]

Fester? Fester, help!

Help! Help! Thing’s not moving.

He was stabbed!

Get him on the table!


[electricity sparks]

Oh, come on, Thing.

[tense, distraught music playing]

He’s gone, Wednesday.

No, he’s not. Thing.

If you can hear me…

if you die, I will kill you.

Go again.

Now! Again, please!

[shuddering gasp]

For a minute, we thought you’d picked your last lock, buddy.

Who did this to you?

Knife from behind the back. Cowards.

I promise that whoever did this to you will suffer.

And it will be slow,


and excruciatingly painful.

I’ll stitch him back up.

They found your motorbike, so…

the sheriff won’t be far. You need to go.

Maybe next time steal something a little less conspicuous.

Where’s the fun in that?


All right. I’ll lay low here tonight,

keep an eye on the patient, and I’ll skedaddle in the morning.

I guess I’ll see you at your arraignment or the next family reunion.

You’ll always be my favorite, Wednesday.

Be sure to tell Pugsley that.

It’ll give him a complex.

I’m guessing it’s not some kind of random prank.

Whoever ransacked my room also stole Nathaniel Faulkner’s diary.

That’s supposed to be safely locked in the Nightshades Library.

So you do know about that diary,

which means you also know the monster we’re after is called a Hyde.

[fire crackling]

Thank you, Ms. Thornhill. I’ll take it from here.

Of course. If you need anything, I’ll be right down the hall.

[door closes]

Faulkner spent years studying Hydes.

He wanted to determine if they were just mindless killers

or conscious of their actions.

What was his conclusion?

He was killed by a Hyde before he could reach one.

Others tried to carry on his research,

but the Hydes were too unpredictable and violent.

They were officially banned from Nevermore 30 years ago.

All of this time, you’ve known the monster was a Hyde.

Why didn’t you tell the sheriff?

Because then Nevermore is done.

Over. Shut for good.

And that’s not happening on my watch.

But I’m not the only one withholding.

If you suspect someone, you need to tell me.


All you’ve ever done is gaslight and obstruct me.

You don’t care how many people die, as long as your reputation is safe.

I am protecting our Nevermore family, which also includes you, Ms. Addams.

[low, foreboding music playing]

[music builds, fades away]

[students chattering indistinctly]

Come with me.

I have information about Mayor Walker’s murder.

Printed these off my dad’s computer.

Seems he was trying to track down someone.

Laurel Gates? Looks like he started right after Outreach Day.

Must have recognized her there.

According to British police, Laurel was presumed drowned,

but no body was ever recovered.

The Gates mansion was purchased a year ago by a 90-year-old candy heiress.

She then mysteriously died and gave all of her belongings to her caregiver,

Teresa L. Glau.

It’s an anagram for Laurel Gates.

Laurel secretly buys her old house

and then comes back to Jericho as someone else.


Revenge on all the people she blames for her family’s misfortunes. Your father.

The coroner.

My parents.

Most of all, Nevermore.

How does the monster fit into all of this?

The monster is a Hyde. It’s doing Laurel’s bidding.

She controls it.

You know who Laurel is, don’t you?

[disconcerting music playing]

Wednesday, we don’t have an appointment scheduled today.

I wanted to return something.

[Kinbott] Uh…

I found it in your old childhood room.

[music box playing delicate tune]

I know you’re Laurel Gates, and you’ve come back to Jericho to seek your revenge.

And so did Mayor Walker, which is why you had to kill him.

Who better to slide in and out of the hospital undetected

than a psychiatrist under the guise of visiting another patient?

[low, distorted audio]

You’re not actually accusing me of murdering the mayor?

The roses you left in Eugene’s room were your mistake.

They’re the same variety I found near your childhood bed.

I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.

There’s only one reason an overqualified psychiatrist like yourself

would settle in the inconsequential backwater that is Jericho.

It allowed you to crawl through the troubled, young minds of outcasts

until you found one that you can manipulate to exact your revenge.

You know what?

I don’t have time to deal with your delusional fantasies.

I have a patient emergency.

Who? Xavier?

I know all about the secret sessions you’ve been holding in your car.

I also found the cave where you’ve been holding sessions to unlock his Hyde.

You are so out of line.

Do you know how violently unpredictable a Hyde can be?

It was your plan to have Xavier committed before he could turn on you too.

Wednesday, you need help.

More help than I can give you.

Who you calling? Xavier?

Judge Reynolds.

I’m going to recommend you stay in a juvenile psychiatric facility.

Oh, please. You and I both know I’d be running that place in a week.

Time’s up, Laurel.

[tense music playing]

Principal Weems, it’s Valerie Kinbott.

Wednesday Addams just barged into my office.

I wasn’t aware that Wednesday had a session today.

She didn’t, and her behavior was completely irrational.

[glass shattering]

[thumping, thrashing]

Dr. Kinbott?

[thumping continues]

Dr. Kinbott?


[scream echoing]

She’s gone.

Dr. Kinbott’s dead.

This ends now.

[dark, determined music playing]

[Xavier scoffs]

You know what? You need to stay out of my space.

You need to take your own advice.

You left that in my room.

Actually, you left it in Thing.

How long have you been seeing Kinbott?

Have you…?

What am I saying? Of course you have. You’ve been spying on me, right?

‘Cause I’m the villain in your fantasy.

My father thinks that my mental health is a PR problem that he needs to manage.

He wanted to keep his troubled son out of the tabloids.

I wasn’t in your room.

Believe me or don’t believe me,

I don’t care.

Your painting’s been improving.

I enjoy this one in particular.

Feels like you really lived it.

What do you want?

I’m asking the questions.

What is Rowan’s inhaler doing in your shed?

Or Eugene’s glasses?

Whoa, whoa.

Or these stalker images you took of me?

No. I…

Don’t forget your latest addition.

Kinbott’s necklace.

Somebody planted that stuff!


Drop the knife. Down on your knees.

Cuff him.

You have the right to remain silent.


Anything you say can and will be used against you in court.

You have the right to an attorney.

If you cannot afford an attorney one will be appointed.

Appreciate the help, Addams.

You! You framed me!

I’m being set up.

I shoulda let Rowan kill you.

[indistinct police radio chatter]

[delicate, suspicious music playing]

[car door slams]


You’re back.

I’m gone for a few days, the place gets trashed,

and Thing almost dies.

Someone’s gotta look out for you two.

What happened to rooming with Yoko?

Yoko’s great. I just decided I needed a few more boundaries.

Skip the tape.

Don’t tell me Wednesday Addams is mellowing out.


More like evolving.

Well, one inch of duct tape at a time.

[poignant music playing]

Why the sudden change of heart?

Because we work.

We shouldn’t, but we do.

It’s like some sort of weird, friendship anomaly.

Everything you said about me is true.

But I don’t apologize for it.

Not anymore.

It’s just who I am.

Thing said he missed you.

I missed him too.

I’m sorry about Xavier.

I’m not. He’s a liar and a killer.

Besides… there’s nothing quite like the feeling of being proven right.

Except maybe someone to share it with.

Thing may have blabbed about your date with Tyler.

So how’d it go?

It was interrupted.

Well, I heard Tyler’s working the late shift…

[Tyler] We’re closed.

Then you should lock your doors.

There’s some real sick people out there.

Yeah, my dad told me what happened with Xavier.

Pretty nuts.

That guy always seemed so normal.

You know, for an outcast.

Well, you know,

it has made me re-evaluate things.

Like what?

Like who I can trust.

That mean you’re ready to be more than friends?

[tender, emotional music playing]

[Tyler chuckles]

[eerie whooshing]

Whoa, hey!

[savage snarling]


[claw slicing]

[guttural growling]

[heavy panting]

You okay?

I need to go.


Wh… What’s wrong?


[Wednesday] Of course the first boy I kiss would turn out to be a psychotic, serial-killing monster.

I guess I have a type.

[dramatic music playing]

[jauntily macabre outro music playing]


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