The Simpsons – S37E02 – Keep Chalm and Gary On | Transcript

The Simpsons
Season 37 – Episode 2
Episode title: Keep Chalm and Gary On
Original air date: October 5, 2025

Plot: When attempts to stop the children of Springfield Elementary using A.I. to cheat cost Superintendent Chalmers his job, he becomes a janitor at the nuclear plant and discovers that slime excreted by giant radioactive snails there can be used as a miracle skin-care product.

Note: This episode was dedicated in memory of Jane Goodall.

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The Simpsons – S37E02 – Keep Chalm and Gary On | Transcript

♪ The Simpsons ♪

Hmm…

Hmm!

Read it and weep.

An A? I do read it and I do weep.

Oh! My special little guy.

Hmm…

This isn’t Bart’s work.

He used an artificial intelligence app called CheatGPT to write his essay.

So what? It’s not illegal.

It doesn’t have to be illegal to be unethical.

Your words mean nothing, and your face is a butt.

Do too and… [blows raspberry]

[blowing raspberries]

[Marge] Hey! Tongues down.

Just give me a moment to say goodbye.

[sighs] All right, we lost her.

Dad, can you please explain to Bart why using AI to do his homework is wrong?

Yeah, sure, uh…

“Relying on artificial intelligence to complete assignments could undermine the development of critical analytical skills.”

What? You just prompted CheatGPT to write that speech for you.

[Homer] Mmm.

Give me back my phonebrain, so me father better parent good.

[groans] Ugh, those poor teachers.

How are they gonna deal with this?

“In conclusion, the protagonist embraces the story’s central dichotomy of familiar versus exotic, thus realizing that he does enjoy green eggs in addition to ham.”

I’m supposed to believe that was written by Ralph Wiggum?

[grunts]

It’s the AI. We can’t keep up with it.

[teacher 1]

Help us. You gotta do something.

It’s just not okay.

You have to do something.

We’re aware the students are using CheatGPT on their devices, so in order to stay one step ahead of them, we’ve purchased AI detection software.

[scoffs] Teacher’s Net?

As always, the teachers are four steps behind.

[chuckling]

We’ve only got five minutes in the server room before Lunchlady Dora comes down to spit chaw.

Oh, no problem.

Just let me install this patch and detection software overridden.

Okay, they’ve destroyed our detection software and somehow also locked us out of the microwave.

Oh, my ramen is in there!

It just keeps spinning.

We’re not beaten yet.

We’re installing a state-of-the-art firewall, so that our system is un-hackable.

[chuckles]

They think we can’t get around a firewall.

Say hello to my little VPN.

The firewall has fallen.

[all] No!

Gods, man, we’re breached.

That’s it. We have no choice but to invoke the banana option.

Why is all our homework about bananas?

“Einstein’s theory of relativity is a linchpin in modern banana science.” Huh?

They ghost-prompted us.

Explain.

[grunts] I was gonna.

The teachers hid the word “banana” in our assignments in invisible white text.

Explain further.

[Devin grunts] [groans] So when we pasted the homework prompts into CheatGPT, we didn’t realize we also asked it to write about bananas.

They banana us, we’ll banana them.

[yelps, sighs] We bananaed them, they bananaed us.

[Chalmers] Skinner!

Your IT spending is through the roof, Seymour.

The battle against AI isn’t cheap, sir.

Well, the solution is simple.

I’m going to announce it today at assembly.

And why do I smell bananas?

Um… Because I’m happy to see you?

Ye… [sighs] I am thrilled to announce that Springfield Elementary is now a phone-free school.

[all gasp, groan]

And all the homework will be handwritten in class.

[clamoring]

Trust me, cell phone distraction is the enemy of learning.

In fact, that was the subject of my master’s thesis at the Ogdenville State University.

This is just like Animal Farm, and we’re the bananas.

Everyone, put your phone in these pouches, which renders them unusable until the end of the day.

[beeping]

[high-pitched whine]

Nice try, bucko.

[Nelson chuckles]

[sighs] You know, I used to like Chalmers ’cause he’d yell at Seymour.

Thanks to him, I know what the word “impotent” means.

This has gone too far.

We’ve gotta get rid of this guy.

But how do you get a superintendent fired?

Gary Chalmers is like a mouse in a bubble bath.

Squeaky clean.

Hmm?

Huh? [groans] Unless…

Chalmers said he went to Ogdenville State, right?

Yeah, that’s where he said he did his master’s “feces.”

Why don’t we shake that thesis and see what falls out?

Plagiarism? I-I’m not a plagiarist.

Well, we got an anonymous tip about some improprieties in your graduate work.

Ironically, the AI software you authorized to catch the kids cheating, it caught you.

But I would never cheat.

You neglected to put quotation marks around two different cited passages, and it’s like the difference between “ibid” and “op cit” means absolutely nothing to you.

Comptroller, surely these are inconsequential infractions.

We have “a zero tolerance policy when it comes to plagiarism,” and I’m using quote fingers accurately because I’m citing the author of our school honor code: You.

[sighs] Hoist with my own petard.

Stealing from Shakespeare.

You’re shameless. And fired.

[groans]

Punctual as always, Willie.

Leave him on the hood of his car?

As per protocol.

So, I guess my dad stole some words or something. Anyway, he was arrested. I wasn’t arrested. I was fired.

Always told the students that when they look in the mirror, they should be proud of the person looking back at them.

[groans]

Now that I’m no longer superintendent, I don’t know who I see anymore.

[sighs]

Yeah, I think he got arrested.

[Chalmers sighs]

[continues sighing]

Oh, a bartender’s favorite song:

the sigh of a depressed loser with money to burn.

Actually, I, uh, lost my job.

[sucking sound]

Fired. Oh, man, that’s rough.

Yeah, we’ve all been there.

You can talk to us, orI devoted my life to public service, and what do I get, hmm?

A backstab from the searing knife of academic technicality.

And that’s when I went from intendant to superintendent.

I took the title over the pay bump, never leaving a child behind, even though sometimes I desperately…

Oh, I desperately wanted to do that.

[sighs] At least I’ve got a new place to spend all my time, huh?

This must not come to pass.

I thought he was gonna be our Frasier, but it turns out he’s our Rebecca.

Do something.

Talking to him was your idea.

Talking to him was my idea.

I didn’t know we had to listen to him.

Hey, Mr. Fascinating, you know what might make you less of a massively annoying bummer?

I could get you a job at the power plant.

Oh, please, why would they want to hire a disgraced educator?

A middle-aged man past his prime?

But let me tell you how citations should really work, huh?

[grunts] Mmm. Hmm?

[sighs] Sweet silence at last.

[Carl, Lenny, Homer sigh]

Get off my lawn, you drunks!

[bird squawks]

[♪ humming]

Are you going to eat a third crumb cake, or is that about it?

Hey, it’s Super-Custodian Chalmers.

Just call me Gary.

Rather not be reminded about what I am now.

How’s your first day going?

Well, I’ve already cleaned the workstations, degunked the eye wash annex, and origamied the exposed square of toilet paper in each stall, like so. Hmm?

Buddy, buddy, you’re giving 110% right now.

You need to cut that in half to, um… uh… uh…

Fifty-five percent.

No, that’s way too high.

Uh, what about initiative and pride in a job well done?

Ugh, you’re even doing too much work in this argument.

You need to simply appear busy.

Come on, walk with me.

Actually, I’m pretty sure I outrank a janitor, so I’m gonna need you to push me around in your trash can.

Good Lord.

I mean, they’re more checked out than the public schoolteachers.

See? You’re working too hard.

Take a seat, relax, enjoy a crumb cake while I explain the most important thing.

You need to develop a sixth sense, for when the boss is about to-Ahem.

[stammers] I am so sorry, sirs-Taking a break?

Punish him, Smithers.

I’d do it myself, but that “ahem” took too much out of me.

The tunnels behind the cooling towers need cleaning right now.

Chalmers!

Yes, sir.

Right, right, right away, sir. Yes.

Ooh. [chomps] “Chalmers!” I mean, who talks like that?

If I had underlings, I’d treat them with-

What the hell was that? Who’s there?

Wha-What touched me? [grunts] Well, Lord Tennyson in a top hat!

Oh, dear God, some sort of mutated nuclear super snails.

Shoo. Shoo, now. Shoo, go away.

Please, take pity on a broken man who’s had every last shred of his dignity stripped away from him.

[elongated scream]

[screaming continues]

[screams weakly]

[panting]

[screaming resumes]

Horror movies suck now.

Forty-five minutes and there hasn’t been a single jump scare.

[thunderclap]

[screams] Dad, you look–

I know, I know. I look like a pathetic failure of a father, of a school administrator, of a man.

Shut up! I was gonna say you look amazing.

Really?

Bro, spill your skincare routine right now.

All I did was lie in a tunnel covered in the mucus of absurdly large snails.

Snail slime? [gasps] Did you bring me any?

Dad, give it.

Why on earth would you want snail mucus?

It’s called mucin, stupid.

It contains regenerative healing properties and boosts collagen.

TL;DR, it makes your face snatched.

People pay, like, actual money for it.

They pay for this mucin?

Sir, for the Christmas card this year, would you like the hound’s pajamas to match yours or just tastefully complement them?

Hmm. Can we prepare both and decide on the day?

Oh, absolutely.

Gentlemen.

Oh, Smithers, I must thank you for firing that old janitor yesterday.

It’s invigorating to see some fresh, young faces around here.

Actually, I…

I think that is the same old janitor.

The very same.

But how? You look amazing.

Spill your skincare routine right now.

You know my daughter, Shauna, said the same thing.

Shauna Chalmers complimented you?

That’s huge, sir.

Ooh.

I believe that the slime of the specially adapted snails here at the plant rejuvenated my skin, and I have a way to monetize it.

And why should we listen to you?

[gasps] A businessman.

[phone beeps]

[gasps] A business plan.

Gentlemen, snail mucin as skincare is a $4billionayear business.

You have the raw material, the man power and the infrastructure.

All you’re missing is a visionary who can take this enterprise to the next level.

Me.

Yes. Yes, quite.

Welcome to Mentrepreneurs, the podcast that finally celebrates companies run by and for men.

[whooping, cheering]

Today, we look at the rocketing success of the men’s skincare brand Escarbro.

Please welcome the founder and CEBro, Gary Chalmers.

[applause, cheering]

Well, it’s an honor to be here, and, you know, I’ve been a Patreon supporter of yours ever since $5 a month became nothing to me.

So, Gary, you used to be in the public sector, no?

[booing]

Yes, boo my lost decades.

However, I have nothing but gratitude for that broken path because it brought me to a dank tunnel of snail secretions.

Gratitude is huge.

So grateful for it.

Gratitude’s my oxygen.

Oh, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

Thanksgiving’s my Christmas.

We don’t even celebrate Christmas, just two Thanksgivings.

Well, anyway, that nuclear snail hole, and I write about this in the book, it phase-shifted me from a misguided dogooder into a disruptive entrepreneur.

Your marketing strategy is revolutionary.

You’re making normal guys feel insecure about their looks.

I mean, that’s the kind of insecurity that, up until now, only women were allowed to feel.

Well, at the end of the day, it’s about lifting people up.

So grateful.

Escarbro is lighting the Gram, the Tok, and the Tube on fire with its use of “ugfluencers.”

Hey, guys. Get ready for bed with me as I dab on my Escarbro Mansturizering Serum for Men.

I have been super selfconscious about my hyperpigmentation ever since Escarbro online ads explained what it was and that I should be super selfconscious about it.

But now…

Damn, Homer!

You make sure you subscribe, so you never run out.

I’m using Escarbro Macho Time Puffiness Pulverizer.

Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.

Trust me, youse gotta subscribe.

With this goo, open casket is actually an option over here.

[all] Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab. If I was a marketing paradigm, I’d be like, “Stop shifting me, bro!”

[chuckles] You know? So grateful.

How are you keeping up with all this demand?

Well, to keep the slime oozing, we scoured the globe to find the world’s leading snail handlers.

[♪ classical music plays]

Oh, I see, Claudia. I bring the romaine and suddenly we’re friends again.

Now that’s a return on investment.

[laughing]

Amazing turnout.

Oh, yes. It’s a real him’s him of direct-to-masculine-customer giants.

Waylon, meet Vijay from Vijay’s Butt-Pants.

Antoine, who dominates the goat colostrum protein frozen yogurt space.

No proven downside.

And Dirk Denchley, the CEO of Father D’s HighT Testosterone Tea Bags.

Gary, your website has the hardest-to-find “cancel subscription” button in the business.

Brilliant, bro.

Oh, well, that wasn’t intentional.

Come on, dude.

Our whole business model is people signing up for subscriptions that they forget to cancel.

That seems a bit underhanded. Although…

A toast to the suckers.

May they never check their credit card statements.

Yeah, um… salute.

It’s so weird having a super rich dad who people think is cool.

It’s also weird having a juice bar in your living room.

But, uh, great idea, honey, great.

I was kidding, but whatever. [slurps] You know, my friends can’t get enough of your antiaging goo.

Wait a minute.

High school kids are using Escarbro?

Oh, God, yeah.

Everyone wants to have kindergarten skin.

Yeah, but we… we weren’t marketing to kids.

Well, I guess there’s no harm, right?

Can I have a new pony? This one pooped.

Uh… Of course, sweetie.

Ugh, dappled? Fine.

Welcome back, sir.

The children are gonna love hearing about your journey to financial success.

And, uh, might I say your beard has grown in remarkably dark.

Oh, I use an adaptogen matcha spore powder.

[sighs] You know, I spent so much of my life in public education, but I never felt I was doing good in the world until I started selling creams for men.

Plus, even as a janitor, I made more money than as a superintendent.

Are you saying there’s an open janitor position?

Sorry I’m late. I had to charge my light therapy mask.

What a unique child.

These days, not so unique.

[both] Dab, dab, dab.

Oh, no. I look 12.

Make with the hydrating toner spray, now!

Just don’t forget your décolletage.

I had no idea our industry reached children this young.

How can they focus on learning while they’re worrying about all this?

[Devin] Hey, Escarbro guy.

[all] Gary.

[yelps] God!

Can I have a free sample?

Do you have a promo code?

Make my name a promo code.

Promo code: Devin exclamation point.

Yeah!

We want the code!

[students clamoring]

[grunts]

Whew. [yelps]

[students] Dab, dab, dab. Dab, dab, dab.

Greetings. [yelps]

[masks buzzing]

Good Lord.

Um… Would you excuse me for just one moment?

[stammers]

I have to do something. Pardon me.

The phone-banning guy can’t get off his phone. Ironic.

Hey, that is irony.

Very accurate heckling, Bart.

Thank you. I love you.

What?

Nothing.

Now, I’ve always believed that everyone should be able to look in the mirror and be proud of the person looking back at them.

And right now, as I look at myself in the reflection of your smooth, poreless, vigorously moisturized little faces, I am not proud.

I look ridiculous.

You all, all of you look ridiculous.

Sir, sir, I’m on the hiring web page.

It wants me to attach my resume as a PDF, but I only have it as a JPEG.

When I was a public servant, it was my job to educate you, but also to protect you.

Protect you from people like me.

Social media swindlers who profit off of insecurities that you shouldn’t even have yet, or ever.

[sniffles, yelps]

Who am I kidding? I am a superintendent, whether I like it or not.

And as of right now, I am banning all skincare products from school grounds.

[all gasp]

You can’t do that.

You don’t work here anymore.

Well, as a matter of fact, I can and I do.

I just bought Springfield Elementary at auction in the section for VCRs and public schools.

[school staff gasp]

Teachers, get those phone pouches back out here and fill them with all of that preposterous skincare!

Thanks for waiting for me, old friend.

Why on a competition baking show do they need to have an opening sketch?

Just get to the “and bake.”

You think the crew gets to eat all the cakes they drop on the ground?

Dad, are we poor again?

Now, don’t worry, honey. I still have a small stake in the skincare company.

And those nuclear snails, they’re never gonna stop sliming.

[chuckles]

I heard it was someone’s special day!

Francis, get over here.

Birthday treats for everyone!

Salty potato chips and buckets of beer.

Aw, they like it so much, they’re shaking with joy.

More like shriveling.

Maybe too much shriveling?

Uh…

Ooh.

Uh, let’s call it a day.

Seymour, you got this, right?

[sighs] I hope they at least let me keep the coveralls.

Ooh.

[munching] Mmm.

Whoever invented eating crumb cake in a trash can was a genius.

Wait a minute. I think I invented eating crumb cake in a trash can.

I’m gonna be rich! And then I’m gonna buy so many trash cans!

[munching, smacks lips]

♪ Eating crumb cake in a trash can ♪

♪ Spraying crumbs around ♪

♪ Because I’m in a trash can ♪

♪ No crumbs are on the ground ♪

♪ Don’t need a broom or dustpan ♪

♪ Something, something trash can ♪

[munching, smacks lips] Shh!