The Bear
Season 5 – Episode 00
Episode title: Gary
Original release date: May 5, 2026
On May 5, 2026, FX released a surprise episode that follows Richie and Mikey on a trip to Gary, Indiana, before the events of season one.
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Transcript
Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.
[♪ “Heart of the Sunrise” playing]
Go time. Ooh.
You look good. Yeah?
I am proud of you.
I’m proud of you. I love you.
I love you so much. Mmm.
And I love you. [chuckles]
[kisses]
And I love you.
[Richie] Mmm.
Mwah.
[chuckles] My God, just fucking go. Yeah.
[car horn honking] Do this.
Okay, you better be home by 5:15.
[honking continues]
No problemo, babe.
[horn honking]
Yo, stop, stop.
You’re gonna wake up the whole neighborhood.
Be fucking on time.
Shit, I forgot s… Are you fucking kidding me?
Yeah, I’m sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, give me a sec.
Motherfucker. Damn it.
Fucking… oh yeah, there it is.
There it is. Oh, Jesus.
Would you get in a fucking c– You want me to go in that car?
Get in the fucking car! [horn honking]
Get in the car. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
[Richie laughs]
Let’s go.
J-Just nothing loud yet, all right, just…
[Mikey] W-Why are you slamming that for?
Why do you have to… Just… Just fucking shut it.
[Richie] I didn’t slam it.
[Mikey] Don’t say you didn’t when you did.
[Richie] Mike, I did this.
[Mikey] You gotta show me again.
[Richie] Yeah, exactly. All right, just stop.
[burps]
How terrible is that fucking filth?
I got it from fucking GoGo’s.
I think it’s pretty good. What is it, hazelnut?
And they’re debit only now.
What if you don’t have a debit card, right?
Then you’re fucked if you don’t have a debit card.
You got the debit card. You got to pay a fucking fee.
They fuck you in the ass either way. Yeah, because if they do the credit card, then they got to pay a percentage to the credit card.
I understand, but why fuck the customer? It’s just for no reason.
Got to tell you, Mike, it’s kind of like a little bit of a glass-half-empty kind of energy you’re working with for this mission.
00-fucking-suck-my-dick. What do you mean a mission?
Yo, we’re fucking transporting some goods across state lines.
We’re taking a fucking tape box to Gary, Indiana.
Gary, fucking Indiana. That’s where we’re going.
What’s in the box?
I don’t know what’s in the fucking box. It’s taped. I just said it’s taped.
You can tell me.
All right, fair enough. I don’t need to know.
You’re a fucking donkey. That’s what you fucking are.
That’s what you are, you fucking haul…
You don’t even know what you’re fucking taking.
You’re just fucking moving. Donkey. Fucking pack mule donkey.
I am a donkey. Yeah.
You ever see what a donkey’s packing downstairs?
Did you see that donkey downstairs? [laughs]
Hee-haw. [chuckles]
What’s happening? Stay here.
Is that Jimmy?
Mike.
[sighs]
[person] Thank you, Michael.
What are you doing? You good?
Didn’t I say stay in the car?
What? Man, I said stay in the car.
Why can’t you just stay in the fucking car?
You didn’t say stay in the car. You didn’t hear me say stay in the car?
You didn’t say it. You just fucking watching me?
I didn’t hear you ’cause you didn’t say it.
It’s too much, Rich.
Fucking dog. Huh? I’m not a fucking dog.
You can’t fucking tell me where, where to go and when to do it.
[Richie] Yo, look what I made last night.
[Mikey] You made a fucking… Did you make that?
[Richie] Yeah, I made this. Tunes for Gary.
Come on, baby, let’s do this.
[♪ “Draw Your Brakes” playing]
Oh, oh, oh. Gradual with the volume.
All right? Just… Just… I am gradual with the volume.
Just turn it off. This is gradual with the volume.
[turns volume up] That’s exactly what I did.
I swear to God, if you… Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
I’ll pull this fucking car over and leave you here. You understand?
This is not… this is… This is not gradual with the speaker.
[turns volume up] Like that.
That’s not what I did. I know how to… I respect the fucking car.
Now I want you to respect the fucking music.
[♪ song continues]
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
Good gracious. [laughs]
Yeah, there he is. There he is. [Mikey laughing]
There he is. Stop. Don’t fucking touch me. Stop, stop.
[Richie] You want to hear some fun facts about Gary?
[Mikey] Can’t wait.
[Richie] Guess the population.
70,000.
Uh, it is a Rust Belt city.
It was once known as Magic City.
It was once also known as the city of the century.
City of the century. 54% female.
For those of us in the car that are, you know, not married…
[scoffs] …that might be a pretty fun fact.
Obviously John Cougar Mellencamp. Michael Jackson, you fucking orangutan.
Michael Jackson’s from Gary? The whole Jackson 5 for that matter.
You could have fucking said Tito before fucking John Cougar Mellencamp.
All right.
Oh shit. Koney King does a pizza puff.
What? Koney King does a pizza puff.
I thought that was just a Chicago thing.
You’re trying to tell me you’re not at all excited about traveling more?
Traveling? Yeah.
You’re not just tired of the same old, same old?
This is what I’m talking about, Michael. This is a fucking mission.
Jimmy’s entrusting us with some more responsibility.
We got the fucking open road ahead of us, you know.
There’s a lot of, you know, positive things about this day.
Responsibility, huh? Yeah?
Yeah. You feeling respected?
Yeah. Yeah?
I think with time you’ll come to find that this is a… maybe a potentially transformative day.
[scoffs]
Come on. We’re having a great day. Bop down to Gary.
Little bada bing, bada boom, bop back out of here.
We’re fucking home by 5:15, the latest.
5:15? Why 5:15?
It’s just a thing with Tiff that she’s got superstition about.
Superstition about what?
Her mom went into labor at 5:15 and she got it in her head that she’s gonna, you know, the same thing’s gonna happen to her.
That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. I can’t…
Why would the same thing… I know.
‘Cause literally, how many minutes are in a fucking day?
There’s like thousands of fucking minutes in a day.
Why would it happen at the same time? I’m not saying this makes any sense.
So we need to be back by 5:15 because her fucking mother spit her ass out…
It’s a non– It’s a non-issue.
It’s the stupidest shit I ever heard. It’s a non-issue.
It is a fucking issue if you’re saying we got to be back by 5:15.
We’ll be back by 5:15.
That’s why I’m saying it’s a non-issue. It’s fucking retarded.
You’d rather be fucking serving beefs all day?
Come on. Like an open road.
[♪ “Kansas City” playing]
♪ With my Kansas City baby And a bottle of Kansas City wine ♪
♪ Well, I might take a train I might take a plane ♪
♪ But if I have to walk I’m going just the same ♪
♪ I’m going to Kansas City Kansas City, here I come ♪
♪ They got some crazy little women there And I’m gonna get me one ♪
Yo.
Welcome to Indiana. There you go.
You’re a fucking world traveler, Rich.
Congratulations. Let’s go.
Oh yeah, you feel different?
[♪ song continues]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
[Richie] City of Magic. City of the century.
You think this happened overnight?
Oh yeah, they just flipped the switch.
And everything just went… [exclaims] They flipped a switch. [laughs]
Definitely doesn’t feel like Chicago.
[chuckles]
[chuckles]
It’s like 35 minutes away. [laughs]
[laughs] Yo. I don’t know what to say. She’ll change quick.
♪ They got crazy little women there And I’m gonna get me one ♪
♪ They got crazy little women ♪
Call up Jimmy. Just…
[phone dialing]
[Tiffany, on phone] Hey! Hi hon. Hi. Hey. How are you feeling?
[Tiffany breathes deeply]
Uh, um, I, you know, I think I’m good.
[groans] What do you mean?
I don’t know. I’m not sure how to describe it.
It’s just like, it’s like… What?
It’s like, I feel like I have to shit really bad, but I don’t know.
I can’t tell if this is what the doctor said to look out for.
Okay.
Contraction? You think it’s like…
Like Braxton Hicks? Okay.
Uh, yeah, probably. But you know, I’ll be okay.
It’s not close to 5:15 yet, so.
Yeah? Yeah, don’t worry, I’m okay.
Okay. Did you do the drop-off?
Uh, almost. Uh-huh. Well, I’m proud of you.
I’m really proud of you. How’s the drive? Are you having fun?
Yeah, yeah, we’re having a good time.
And how about Mikey? Is he okay?
Yeah, he’s good. Okay, that’s great.
But don’t smoke any cigarettes though, honey. Promise me, right?
Right. Okay.
Listen, I’m gonna call you back, okay?
Try me if you need anything. I love you. All right. I love you.
Okay, I love you so much.
What’s up? What did he say?
He said he’d let us know in a few hours.
He’ll let us know.
What’s a few?
Like three? Four? Richie, I didn’t say it. He said it.
We had hours to kill in Gary. You still feeling respected?
Fuck it. Let’s just, I don’t know, let’s get something to eat.
You see that? It’s Michael Jackson’s house.
Huh. Yeah.
Shamone! [laughs]
[car door closes]
Lock the door.
Meet you in there.
[♪ “When Someone Loves You Back” playing]
What we listening to, Teddy Pendergrass?
Yes, we are.
Whoa, a little TP. I love…
Yes, I love Ted. Romantic hot dog place you got here.
[both laughing]
Mmm. I listen to the old-school music.
Yeah, I’m right there with you. It means something.
Yeah. Yeah. And you know what they’re saying.
[chuckles]
Hi. Welcome to Koney King.
Appreciate you. Yo, Mike, this is Alicia.
How are you, Alicia? Nice to meet you.
Mike. How are you?
I’ll be your server. Just let me know if you need anything.
Appreciate it. I got you a lemonade.
You want some?
You’re missing out. Missing out, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
How long have you worked here?
I’ve been working here five years. Five years? Yeah.
How’s business? Pretty good? It’s great.
Yeah? I love it.
You love it? What do you love about it?
I like working with people, the public. [Richard] There you go.
That’s the answer right there.
Michael hates people.
[laughs] Oh, man.
Don’t believe what he says. I don’t like crowds.
I don’t hate people, but I just don’t like crowds.
You cook at home?
You want the truth?
Yeah, only the truth.
No. When I leave here, I don’t want to go stand in front of a stove again.
[Richie] That’s it, huh? Y’all cook at home?
A little bit.
Sometimes I’ll write out some pots and pans, but I don’t know, not too much.
I don’t really cook at the restaurant though, so.
What kind of restaurant?
Similar to this. Similar to this spot. Okay.
You cook?
I do some cooking from time to time.
Yeah. Yeah.
[Alicia] What do you do? [Richie] What do I do, uh… at the restaurant? At the restaurant. Yeah.
[Mikey] Yeah, what do you do?
Uh, I guess I’m a bit like a, I don’t know how you say it, like, like, kind of a bit of a song and dance man. There you go. There you go.
I don’t know, public relations, forward facing, you know.
[Mikey laughs] That’s good.
[♪ “Johnny Too Bad” playing]
Cousin, what do you think of the name Annie?
Throw some names at me you like.
Hit me.
Call me crazy, but I actually like the name Althea.
Althea? Althea.
Althea sounds like the name of like somebody that’s getting their ass kicked all the time.
Nah, Althea? Real strong. Althea.
Sounds like a nerd. Nah. Althea?
Althea.
Althea later.
[both chuckling]
Althea around noon. Althea…
Althea when I get back from, uh… [chuckles]
From social studies.
Althea for dinner.
[both chuckling]
Althea when Althea.
[both chuckling]
[chuckles]
I met this, uh, Eva that I liked once. Eva.
[Mikey] Oh, look at these little fuckers.
Oh, these little fuckers are about to get it.
What’s up girls? Oh, we’re gonna fucking… Okay. Yes, sir.
All right, you little fuckers.
You ready to get some?
It’s my second favorite sport right here.
Hey, we got next.
[Mikey] Hey, what… what’s the score of that game right there?
Are you guys hooping or you picking daisies?
Let me and my boy get one of you. We run threes. Which one?
All right, come on, daffodil. You ready to win?
Yeah? Come here, young buck.
What’s going on? I’m Mikey.
Nice to meet you. Jaden. What’s up, buddy? How are you?
Oh, we gonna have balls like that? Y’all want five points?
What’s up? Mikey. What’s up? All right, let’s run.
I don’t even need to warm up.
Come on, Rich. Let’s go.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It’s time for a little silk and swede.
Y’all about to get it.
You sure you don’t need to stretch? I don’t need to.
About to stretch you, boy. Hold on, let’s wait for him.
You ready? Yeah.
Hey, good luck, youngsters.
[Mikey] Let’s go. [clamoring]
[person 1] Come on. [Richie] Here, here, here.
[Mikey] I’m sorry. Where were you? All right, play, play, play.
I got bigs. Go out there.
Stay with him. Stay in front of him.
Uh-uh. [laughs] That’s gonna hurt. [person 1] Damn.
Let’s go. Yeah, it’s man game now.
It’s different. Let’s go. [laughs]
[person 2] Oh! You know it’s the orange circle, right?
It’s the orange… You wanna try to get it in that orange circle.
[Mikey] Everyone’s afraid of contact out here. Go to the basket.
That ain’t happening.
[Mikey] Don’t be afraid. Come on.
[cheers]
[Mikey] Good for you. Mike, every dog has his day.
All right, bring it down there again.
It’s ’cause I’m covering three guys, Rich.
Let’s go. Play ball.
[laughs] Fuck.
It’s every time. He’s… He’s beating you in the back fucking door.
Yo, keep the fucking door shut. Do not let him…
Do not let him get behind you.
It’s this… Motherfucker. All right, let’s go.
Nice play. Oh, where are you going?
Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about.
Hey, you got it. It’s one. That’s one.
[Richie] Let’s go.
[person 3] Hey. Come on. Yep. Hit one, daffodil.
That’s a good shot, boy. Thing’s fucking open.
[person 4] All day long. I see it.
Hey, hey, hey, it’s a shot that fucking counts, right?
Let’s go. Play defense, hotshot.
[Richie] Heads up.
Let’s go.
[person 5] I see that. Hey, grow up. You all right, huh?
You all right?
Let’s go. Play ball. Check up.
Check up. He’s crying.
I’ll tell you what, they breed ’em soft out here in Indiana, huh?
This ain’t the ’80s. It ain’t the ’80s? It ain’t the ’80s?
Let’s go. Hey, I don’t like your attitude.
Did you change your diaper before the game?
Like, do you… Or do you just play? What do you got a swimmy on, huh?
You play with a swimmy on?
Let’s go. Next basket wins.
[Richie] No. [person 1] Fuck off.
[Mikey] Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Yeah! Yeah! Hook this, baby. Let’s fucking go.
You see that screen? Yeah!
I’m a fucking lion. I love it.
I love you, boy. Whoo! All day.
Hey, good shit, good shit, youngsters. Good shit.
Look at that. Look at what he’s doing.
Ah. Hey, young buck, you’re not so bad.
Did you just miss a back… How do you miss a backdoor there?
You see the back of his head, you got to cut to the…
And you’re not passing the fucking ball. Exactly. I’ve been trying to tell you.
You guys are fucking garbage.
The Indiana guys are fucking garbage. [person 2] Hey, shut your bitch-ass up.
Ooh. [chuckles] You’re negative.
You’re negative. You know what? Actually I’m about to…
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It’s all right. Let him play. Let him play. We love you. We love you.
Yo your fucking Nikes look like fucking moccasins.
[both chuckling]
[Mikey] Fellas, it’s been real.
Gary, Indiana.
[chuckling]
[bell chimes]
[Richie] Hey, you got tall boys? Here we go.
[cashier] No tall boys. Just regular boys like you.
[Richie chuckles] Funny.
See what we got here.
[Mikey imitates O-Dog] Hey, yo, why you creeping?
[both chuckling]
Go on, get me some of that O-E.
I’ll fuck with some of that Ides. Ides!
[in Korean accent] Drink your beer and get out.
Okay, okay. Don’t drink beer in store.
[Richie] Yo. I feel sorry for your mother.
Bro, shut the fuck up already. [Mikey chuckles]
What you say about my mama? [shushes] Shut the fuck…
Sorry about my friend.
Two, please. Two.
Let me get a scratch card.
Crescent kick is a defensive maneuver. That’s just, you know, clearing space.
Just to… Just to fucking… Snap kick is for… for speed.
[Mikey chuckles]
Don’t even see that fucker coming.
But then if you need power, then you know, it’s just fucking psychic… [exclaims] …all day.
Break a fucker’s knee, right? [exclaims]
Ooh, I felt that shit. That’s it.
Want me to tell you what the move is though?
Yeah. Look, I don’t want to fight you at all.
I’m just going home. That’s it.
Fucking back kick. Back–
[exclaims] Right?
Back kick.
I was getting there. [chuckles] The power’s out.
Ding dong, motherfucker.
[chuckles]
Oh, be careful there. Be careful. Don’t get on the new suit.
Hey, I’m so sorry about… Boom!
Oh! And it’s like so… it’s like a fucking mule.
Like, think about a mule. Like that… It’s these big…
You’re actually generating force with like the big fucking muscles.
[exclaims] You know what I’m saying? Yeah.
It’s ’cause you’re already going this direction, then you come in that direction. Yeah.
You see, I just… Even like the sight of it, you know what I mean?
Yeah. Fuck yeah.
[♪ “Heart of the Sunrise” playing]
Why are we stopping?
Christmas, cousin.
[Mikey clears throat]
Hoo-hoo!
[inaudible]
Sure. Appreciate you.
[chuckles]
Yes sir. Yes sir. [chuckles]
You’re fucking unbelievable, bro. Coming?
Hee-haw.
[both chuckling]
We got fucking magic powers, dog.
[Mikey laughs]
[♪ song ends]
[♪ A Shot of Rhythm and Blues” playing]
♪ And your feet start movin’ around ♪
♪ And if you start to swing and sway When a band starts to play ♪
♪ A real cool and way-out sound ♪
♪ And if you get the can’t-help-its ♪ [mumbling]
♪ And you can’t sit down ♪
♪ You feel like you gotta move around ♪
[Richie tapping]
♪ You need a shot of rhythm and blues ♪
♪ With just a little rock and roll On the side ♪
[sniffs, exclaims] [Mikey] Ooh!
Smooth. Smooth one. [Mikey chuckles]
♪ With your lover by your side ♪
♪ Then you know You’re gonna have a lot of pleasure ♪
♪ Don’t you worry about a thing If you start to dance and sing ♪
♪ And chill bumps come up on you ♪
Yo.
♪ And when that rhythm finally hits you When the beat gets you too ♪
You see that sign?
Huh? Cousin, you see that sign over there?
Yeah.
[♪ song continues]
I think…
Did you… Did you see it before?
What you talking about?
I’m saying there is no way…
The two of us are sitting here for over an hour and neither of us have seen that fucking sign right there.
Yeah, Rich, its a fucking sign.
I think that bar just appeared Shut the fuck up.
Yo, for real. For real though. Shut the fuck up.
I think that bar just fucking appeared, Michael.
[chuckles] Okay, bar just fucking appeared, Rich.
You don’t think that’s crazy?
Uh… It’s a fucking bar.
It’s a sign. Mmm.
It’s a sign “Open.”
That sign is a sign.
That sign is a sign.
We’re going in there.
Are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking…
We’ve been sitting here an hour. He’s gonna call any minute.
We’re not going in a fucking bar. What’s the big deal?
We run in with a little fucking shot of rhythm and blues.
We’re not going in the fucking bar, Rich. Just sit down and do your fucking job.
Listen to what I’m telling you.
Michael, that sign is a sign. Okay, it’s a fucking sign.
Some things are bigger than you and me and fucking Jimmy.
We are going in there. We’re not going in the fucking bar.
Just sit the fuck down. Oh, man, I hate when you get like this.
I get like… I fucking hate it.
Don’t hit the fuck… What are you doing?
What are you fucking doing? All right. You’re right. You’re right.
[Mikey] Damn it. You’re right.
We can’t go in. Right.
[♪ song continues]
What are you doing? Hey, Richie, get in the fucking car.
Rich.
Sir, can you please step out of the vehicle?
[chuckles]
Sir, please, I’m not going to ask you again.
Please step out of the vehicle. [chuckles]
License and registry. Okay, that’s it.
Put your vagina where I can see it! [laughs]
Put your vagina right where I can see it! Stop! There’s fucking houses.
Stop. Yo. Yo, come on.
What do you mean come on? We’re not going.
Yo, come on, let’s just go.
I’m not going. No. One bourbon, one shot, one beer.
Just a little shot of rhythm and blues and we come back.
We’re not doing it. Come on.
Your fucking hand… Are you fucking cra…
You fucking do a shot of fucking cocaine, you think you can fight a fucking tiger?
Come on. Stop.
It’s fucking terrible. What’s terrible?
I’m like genuinely inspired here and you’re just shitting all over my fucking dreams.
It’s terrible. I hope you feel good about yourself right now.
Why are you pressuring me?
Come on.
All right, fuck you.
Fuck.
[sniffles] I’m going in. Go in.
I’m going in. Go in.
Oh, shit.
Yo, I’m good? How do I look?
You look like a fucking barbarian. You look like my father.
All right, I’m going to go.
Honk if you need anything.
Yeah! [sighs]
[trills]
You’ll fucking see.
You’ll fucking see.
You’re gonna remember this fucking day.
That’s a fucking sign!
[people clamoring]
[♪ “Paid in Full” playing]
♪ Thinkin’ of a master plan ♪
♪ ‘Cause ain’t nothin’ But sweat inside my hand ♪
♪ So I dig into my pocket All my money spent ♪
♪ So I dig deeper But still coming up with lint ♪
♪ So I start my mission Leave my residence ♪
♪ Thinking “How could I get some dead presidents?” ♪
♪ I need money I used to be a stick-up kid ♪
♪ So I think of all The devious things I did ♪
♪ I used to roll up “This is a hold-up, ain’t nothing funny ♪
♪ Stop smiling, be still Don’t nothing move but the money” ♪
♪ But now, I’ve learned to earn ‘Cause I’m righteous ♪
♪ I feel great, so maybe, I might just Search for a nine to five ♪
[knocks on door] [sniffles] Hey.
Hey. [chuckles]
You Mike?
[chuckles] Yeah.
Is it true? [chuckles]
What’s that?
You’re one of the goalies for The Blackhawks?
[laughing] Uh…
Yeah?
EBUG?
[Mike inhales sharply]
That’s right.
What is that? What’s an EBUG?
That’s the emergency backup goalie.
Yeah, yeah. I, like, never play, but, yeah, I’m with the squad.
That’s cool. That’s cool. Mmm.
Yeah, your buddy told us about you.
Yeah, I bet he did.
He also said, um, tell you to put your big boy pants on…
[laughs]
…and join us in the bar.
Sounds about right.
Oh, boy. I’m just a messenger.
I got it. Okay.
It’s pretty fun though. Okay.
I think you’ll like it. Okay, okay. Yeah, I’m coming.
[sighs]
[♪ “You’re Gonna Miss Me” playing]
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
[bargoer 1] So I… One time after a night out, uh, I got a ride home, but they took me to the wrong house, and I was too embarrassed to tell them that I knocked on the door of the house and… and convinced them to let me just come inside for a little bit. [laughs]
[all] It’s a fact. Fact. It’s true!
[Richie] That’s a fact!
[laughing, chattering]
[bargoer 2] Okay, all right.
[all] You’re on, you’re on. Let’s go.
All right. [thuds]
Nine years old. I’m an altar boy. [bargoer 2] Mm-hmm.
[all] Fiction, fiction.
Yo! what the… [all laughing]
[bargoer 3] No, no. Immediately no.
You guys are fucking good. [all laugh]
All right, can I take another crack at this?
All right.
Okay, um, my senior year, uh, I was doing pretty well in school, but with fucking maths, I’m with my fucking… you know? So…
[bargoer 4] Hey, look what did the cat drag in.
Hey, everybody. How’s it going? Yo. You see this?
Sorry for interrupting. Fucking great.
Um. So my grandma, she gave me an ultimatum.
She was like, “You got to get a math tutor.”
And so she told me about this lady, Roxelana, who sang in her church choir, who she was like a-aa math professor for Cooks County Community.
And I was like, “No fucking way, Grandma. I don’t want to fucking do this.
I don’t want to do the math tutor with some fucking 90-year-old, like, you know, fucking babushka,” like…
Yeah, you know what I’m saying? Like… So…
But she was like, “Listen, you gotta do it or you gotta move out.”
So, come Thursday, 7:30.
I’m at this dude’s house… [bargoer 3] Right.
…eating his fucking mom’s golden lasagn, you know, and I realized, like, I gotta be at, uh, at Roxelana’s, this tutor’s, you know, in, like, five minutes.
So I fucking down my cranberry juice and I fucking sprint over there, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, knock on the door.
And this fucking woman that opens the door, I swear to God, like straight out of Sports Illustrated fucking swimsuit issue.
This is the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen up to this point.
Jet black hair, long all the way down, just kissing kind of the top of her butt, you know, and we get in–
What, what, what, what, what? Do you guys wanna fact or fiction me yet or you wanna hear more of the story?
You wanna hear the story? Yeah, you wanna hear the story.
Okay, all right, so we get in there.
We’re talking math, and all of a sudden, I feel my entire insides just turn to liquid, and I got to take a shit, like bad.
But I know that she got one little bathroom right there, this tiny thing.
I know if I go in there, she’s gonna hear everything, you know…
[bargoer 5] Oh, God.
…and I’m just like, I mean, on the outside, I’m cool as a cucumber, you know, we’re talking math, and on the inside I’m just like, “Come on, asshole, don’t you fucking fail me now, baby.”
[all laugh]
And somehow, by the grace of God, I make it through this fucking tutor session, right?
[bargoer 5] That’s not healthy. Mmm.
So, Roxelana, pleasure to meet you.
I’ll see you next Thursday, you know, ba-ba-ba.
I get outside and I’m like, “Yes, I’m gonna fucking make it.”
I start to walk quickly back up… back down, and it just comes out.
That’s it.
It all… And it’s just like that’s… [stammers] …that’s what is happening.
And I’m just… I start to pull my drawers down, my pants down.
I look like one of those, um, photographs of the guys that just discovered oil, you know, like with this like, like stuff is gurgling.
I can’t tell what’s coming up, and it’s just like some mud and shit, and everywhere.
[stammers] And I have this incredible feeling of relief, right?
Until I see her little porch light come on…
[bargoer 2] No. …and time slows down.
And I see her doorknob turn and open. [all] No.
And I look at her, and she looks at me very quickly, and then she quickly looks away.
And… [laughing]
…and I just fucking take off through the hedges and I’m just fucking running.
I’m just heading right back to Michael’s house.
I’m covered with brambles, and my balls are slapping on either side.
And I just got, like, a trail behind me.
And I just can’t stop laughing and I’m crying with laughter
’cause I know in six blocks down fucking Milwaukee, I’m gonna be at this dude’s house and I’m going to tell him this story, and this motherfucker is gonna love it.
[all] Aw. Fact or fiction?
[all laughing] Fact!
Facts.
Sadly, sadly, it is a fact. That is a fucking fact.
I love you, bro. I love you.
All right. [stammers] This one’s on me. I-I subject you guys to it.
[all] Oh, no. All right. Hold on.
I’ll be right back. I’ll be right back.
[all cheering, clapping]
[bargoer 5] Yes, sir.
You know, I know, right?
What’s that?
Huh?
You know I know you’re not a goalie for Blackhawks. [laughing]
Uh… [laughs] Yes. That’s total bullshit, yeah.
Mmm.
What gave it away? [laughing]
Oh, something in your eyes.
[continues laughing] Yeah, fair. Fair.
You prefer Mike, Mikey, Michael?
Oh, it’s… it’s got to be your call, yeah.
No preference, huh?
Preference, up to the customer. Mmm.
How about you? What-what-what’s your name?
Can you tell me? [chuckles]
Guess.
Guess?
Oh, man, uh, Daphne.
Bridget, I don’t know. What?
S… Sh… Shh.
Oh, boy, Shonda, sh-sh-shit.
Fuck, I don’t know. Sherri.
Sherri, okay. [laughs]
Sherri from Gary.
Oh, hey, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that.
You don’t want to play the game, huh?
Eh.
I don’t know if that one’s for me. I mean, you…
You-You wanna go. It’s…
Sure, I’ll go. Yeah?
I’ll go.
Fact or fiction, Michael.
Okay.
Uh…
Ask me a question.
You’re from here?
I am not from Indiana.
I am from Portland. Maine, not Oregon.
Okay.
What are you doing here?
Needed to start over… Uh-huh.
…and to get away from someone, something.
Got in my ’88 Honda Accord and started driving west and my car broke down not too far from here.
My mom’s favorite movie was Love in the Afternoon
starring Gary Cooper. Mmm.
She always said she would’ve named me Gary if I was a boy, so I saw the sign and I was like, “All right, Ma.”
Stayed one night. It was quiet.
I like a ghost town, you know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
Kept staying. Mm-hmm.
Worked at this jazz joint.
Jazz joint down on Broadway called Dirties.
Dirties? Yeah, I work at the bar.
You like it? It’s great.
Why?
Come on, what’s not to like about a divey jazz and blues joint in Gary, Indiana?
[exhales] Eh… Ah…
Seem… That is a fact.
Fiction. No, really?
Yeah. Fuck, fuck.
[laughs]
Gary Cooper shit. I would suspect this motherfucker.
No, that’s real. No, that’s real?
No, it’s not. Oh, fuck.
[laughing] I’m never gonna believe you.
[♪ “Driftin’ Blues” playing]
Tiff, it’s me. It’s Richie. Wait. No, I can barely hear you.
Tiff, it’s me, Richard!
Oh, hi! Where are you?
I’m in fucking Gary.
So loud there.
It’s going so good.
You sound like you’re in a bar. Are you in a bar?
We’re in a bar.
Why are you in a bar?
‘Cause the clients.
What clients? What clients are you meeting there?
They’re clients from Jimmy.
Tiff, it’s going so fucking good.
Mikey is so smooth, he’s so fucking smooth.
It’s… Mikey is so smooth! I can’t really–
[line breaking] Okay.
We’re having such a good time.
[line breaking] Okay, can you hear me? ‘Cause I can’t really hear you.
Hello? Hello? [stammers] How are you feeling?
Do it again? Mmm.
Yeah. All right.
I was born and raised right the fuck here in Gary, Indiana.
I lived here my whole life.
I love to travel, I’ve gone everywhere, but I lived here my whole life.
I love trains. Do not put me on a boat.
Let’s see, I got two older sisters.
They got a different dad who I thought was Santa Claus until I was 11 years old.
I’m not shitting about that one. [chuckles] Mmm.
I had ovarian cancer when I was 22.
Hmm.
My mom is okay. My dad is not.
We have a three-legged dog named Lucky. He’s the coolest dude in town.
[sighs] Man. I mean, that’s–
And I studied to be an arborist.
An arborist? Yeah.
You like trees? I do.
You do? Why? Why do you like trees?
[sighs] They’re quiet, sturdy, reliable. They’re always there when you need them.
Yeah, yeah.
And they’re pretty.
That’s a fucking fact.
Maybe.
It’s a fact.
Maybe, maybe not. What makes you say it’s a fact?
Uh… You just…
I don’t know, you’re sp-speaking from your heart.
Right?
What are you looking for, Michael?
Anything?
Oh. [chuckles] There you are, Sarah.
[Mikey laughs]
I think he just called me Sarah. [laughing]
I mean, a pretty upgrade. [laughing]
Hear what he fucking calls me. [continues laughing]
[Richie] Okay, so it’s 3:17 right now.
I… So I got enough time to be home by 5:15, right?
[bargoer 4] Oh, yeah. All right, we good?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, if the train isn’t running.
[bargoer 3] Oh. …under the channel.
What-What happens with the train?
[bargoer 6] You’ll get caught behind. It is.
O- Jones. [stammers]
Oh, okay. All right, thanks, guys. Leave yourself a buffer.
That’s, like, kinda the whole operation, you know.
Wow. So you like work for him? Hmm.
Uh, I mean, I’m, I’m self-employed, you know.
Yeah, yeah, so you’re the boss. [chuckles]
Yeah, I guess I’m the boss.
A lot of people depend on you.
And I depend on a lot of people.
I bet you’re a good leader.
[sighs, chuckles]
People like that people say things about me.
And what do they say?
They say that I don’t finish things.
Fact or fiction, Michael?
You mind if I do a pump?
I want you to be you.
That’s…
That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.
[both chuckle]
Do you plan to be there for it?
Yeah, yeah, no, I’m gonna be back.
We’re just down here want to… wrapping up some business and I’ll be back up there.
Put my catchers mitt on ready to fucking go.
Yeah. Yeah. What’s her name?
I can’t tell you that.
That’s like a birthday wish.
No, no, no, I would tell you, but my wife’s got all… she’s all superstitious about a lot of this stuff, and she’s like… She doesn’t want to be sharing it.
We’re having a girl. I can tell you we’re having a girl.
Ooh. Yeah, yeah.
You? I’m good.
No. Uh-uh.
There was this, um…
When I… when I was a kid, you know… Yeah.
…my mom, she used to do this thing where, like, when she was, like, on, like, the perfect mixture of, like, all kinds of fucking things in her system, you know, it’s just, like, perfect.
She… she’d, like, come in my room in the middle of the night, you know, and she’d, like, scratch my back and she had like the longest nails.
Hmm. And she just, you know, and she used to…
She used to walk me through my day, you know, like-like the most fucking minute details.
So, you know, like-like describing every little fucking bit of fabric of the fucking day, you know.
Like what we’re going to eat, when we’re gonna wake up, what I was gonna wear, what was going to be on the radio.
Like every fucking thing, you know. Just like…
[sighs] It would make me feel like, I don’t know…
Like… [stutters] …it would just make me feel so relaxed.
Like held? Like really held? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And, like, no matter what was going to happen that day, it didn’t matter, like, a fucking test or some shitbag I had to fucking deal with.
Like, I knew that and she had planned it for me.
It was great, and I remember there was this one time I was like, “Hey, Ma.
[chuckles] Hey, Ma, will you come in and tell me about my day tomorrow?”
And she was like…
She got kinda angry, you know, she’s was like…
She’s was like, “Mikey, fucking difference does it make? It’s just a day.”
Like… [stutters] I still didn’t understand how that could be like…
Like this, um…
Like-Like how that could be the same person, you know.
Mm-hmm.
That’s… That’s so scary. Hmm.
[chuckles, sniffles]
Yeah, she shouldn’t have done that.
She tried her best.
Can I… Can I sit with you?
Yeah, I wish you would.
[Mikey chuckles]
Come on in, the water is fine. Oh, boy.
[both chuckle]
His first impulse was the fucking movie. You know what I’m saying?
You know what I’m saying? The one without the narration, that’s the one.
Okay. Okay. Okay?
I gotta call my uncle. You’re gonna call him?
All right. Call him. Let’s all…
Everyone call their uncle.
Jimmy, it’s Rich. Where the fuck are you now?
All right. Call me back.
This is just like, you know, this way of seeing the world, you know, like this perspective, you know, this lens that I’ve always had.
Like these things that just bother people and hurt people and make them frustrated or furious, you know.
Like to me, it just… I-II never got it.
It didn’t affect me like that. It doesn’t matter.
No, it doesn’t fucking… What matters…
Nothing fucking matters. Nothing matters.
Nothing fucking matters, and I get that, right?
Yeah. And it’s meaningless.
So why…
And… [stammers] …when I’d go on that trip, like, I could catch this groove, you know, sometimes for like weeks at-at a time, you know, like sometimes for months.
I just like… I’d just like have this, like, bliss, you know.
Mm-hmm. And yeah, I know I’m, like-like…
[chuckles] …I’m like all fucking, like, babbling and shit, like, here in a fucking bathroom like a fucking baby, but I-II could be, like, I could be a fucking blast.
I can be a bla… Like, I can share it, you know. And then all of a sudden, like, out of nowhere, those same thoughts, like-like-like this kind of meaninglessness of it all, you know.
It… [sighs] …It like makes me sad.
Yeah.
Nothing matters. It sets you free, but then where are you, right?
It’s the same thing. You’re nowhere.
It’s the same thing. And then I’m like… Yeah.
Like, so sad, like I’m fucking drowning, you know.
My jaw feels fucking… Like, a million fucking pounds.
And I-II… It’s like I don’t want to…
That sounds exhausting.
You must be really tired.
[sighs]
[crowd cheering]
[♪ “96 Tears” plays]
Oh, yeah. Over the top. Over the top.
Yeah. Over the top. Over the top.
[crowd cheering] [all] Yeah.
[grunts]
[cheers]
♪ Too many teardrops ♪
♪ For one heart to be… ♪
[crowd cheering in a distance]
[Richie] Mike, you in there? Yeah, Rich, I’m good.
I’m good. I’m coming.
[Richie] All right. We gotta go. [knocks on door]
Yeah. [Richie] I’m sorry to interrupt you guys.
Cousin, we gotta… we gotta go.
Okay, we’re going. [Richie] We gotta go. Like, now.
Rich, don’t do that. I said I’m coming. [Richie] Mike, I’m serious.
Okay, we’re fucking going!
[Richie] Cousin, Jimmy said he hasn’t heard from you all day.
This guy is waiting. Okay. I heard you.
Cousin, I’m coming. [Richie] All right.
I’ll be, uh, right outside. Fuck man that’s…
[both chuckle]
Hey, I’ll come back.
Fiction.
[♪ “Heart of the Sunrise” plays]
Yo, Cousin, it’s go time. We gotta go.
You look like fucking Ronald McDonald. What’s wrong?
[chuckles] No.
Yo, your phone is dead, huh?
Michael, come on. Just leaving the phone.
It’s not a capital crime. What’s the problem?
Yo, Cousin, we got this meeting in ten. Where’s the fire? Where’s the fire?
We’re going, we’re going. Okay, okay. All right.
Hey, let’s hit it. Yeah.
Yo, we’re out of here.
What about my turn? Fact or fiction? Nice to meet you guys.
It’s been a pleasure to meet y’all. Wow. Wow. Wow.
[Mikey] Hang on. Hey, we’re in America though, right?
Last time I checked, Gary, Indiana is in the sovereign United States.
Is it not, Vanessa?
Are we not in Amer…? Everybody get a turn.
Everybody gets a turn. Fucking, don’t… All right.
How great are you fucking people? How great is this fucking…
[all cheering]
This place got fucking heart. That’s what I was trying to tell you.
Magic. This place is magic.
All right.
Yo. We’re just a pair of fucking wired and worried travelers, and we fucking love it here. We thank you.
We thank you, Gary fucking Indiana. We thank you.
[all cheer] Magic, magic.
Thank you. Thank you. [Mikey] I just want to take this opportunity because right now, my, uh, my fine furry Cousin right there, my fucking best friend.
Any second now, he’s gonna be a dad.
[all cheer]
Not only that. Not only that. Not on… [Richie] Hang on. Hold on.
Hey, he’s happy.
He’s happy. Rich, you’re happy.
Right now, I swear this is… this is the most…
It’s, like, the most healthy and, like, you’re-you’re… you’re full.
You’re full and I love it.
He’s in love, you know.
Fucker cannot wait to be a father either.
I mean, he can’t fucking… [chuckles] …he can’t… he can’t fucking wait.
I mean, he-he’s got this pride.
You’re glowing, Rich.
You’re glowing. I love you.
It’s my fucking boy. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you so much.
Fucking love you.
Look at him, he’s gonna be a dad. Look at him.
Look at this fucking… That’s going to be a father.
That. That right there is going to be a father, right?
Fucking kid’s gonna end up abandoned and alone just like he was.
But hey, shit, hey, at least you went into it with a good fucking mindset, right, kid, huh? [chuckles]
I mean, no, no, no, no, no, it’s okay. No, I love it. That’s-that’s the thing.
That’s the thing you got to know about Rich, man, is that the one thing that you can absolutely fucking depend on with this fucking guy is that if he is involved, he’s going to fuck it up.
I mean, he is going to fuck it up and everybody knows it.
I mean… [stammers] …nobody says it, right?
Nobody says it because everybody’s a fucking coward and a fucking liar.
But this isn’t going to be any fucking different.
I mean, he’s going to fuck this.
He’s got his entire life is a fucking bed that he took a shit in the middle of and he just smears it right and that’s what’s beautiful.
Hey. Hey. Look at him. He’s beautiful.
But he’s got to fuck this up too, right?
No, no, no, no, no, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. Everybody knows it.
They don’t say it, but they look, look.
Ooh.
Oh, look at his eyes.
Look at those beady little fucking eyes. He knows it too.
That’s the fucking thing. [Richie] All right.
He knows it too.
Well, all right, what? We gotta go. [Richie] We gotta go.
We gotta. Where are we going?
Where-Where are we fucking going? [Richie] Yo, we got this meeting.
Yeah. We got it. You know what you ought to do?
You ought to get in the fucking truck and just start fucking driving.
[Richie] All right. Just fucking bolt, Rich.
Just fucking… you wanna do that kid of yours a favor?
Just fucking bolt. Just fucking hit the fucking road and do not come back.
You wanna do him a favor, right? [Richie] Okay. Okay.
No, it’s fine. It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter. It’s the truth.
It’s the truth. What you’re gonna be a good father?
Is that what you got to be?
Huh, Ronald McDonald, you’re gonna be a good father?
Are you gonna be a good father? It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t matter. Just say it.
Just say you’re gonna fuck it up, right?
Come on, you’re not mad. Don’t be mad.
You’re not mad. [Richie] I’m not–
You’re not mad. Are you mad? Are you mad? Stop. Stop.
You’re not mad. You’re not mad. No, just say it–
[person] Oh, my God. Stop it.
No, no, no, no, no. [Richie] Stop that.
Ah!
He’s telling the fucking truth finally.
He’s telling the fucking truth. Say it again.
You hate me? You hate me, Rich? [spits]
You gonna fuck this up, Rich. Just say that and we’ll go.
Say it and we’ll go. Oh. [crowd] Oh.
[person] All right. That’s an… I don’t know.
Stop.
[Mikey] At least you’re not lying anymore.
Why are you doing? [Mikey] I love you.
Why are you doing this? [Mikey] I love you.
[Sherri] Just…
You’re a coward, Rich. You’re a fucking coward.
I’m a coward? [Mikey] You’re a coward.
I’m a coward.
A coward.
[Richie] I’m a coward.
Kid’s gonna hate you, Rich.
Kid’s gonna…
This is
[chuckles]
No, no, no. [stammers] Mm-mmm. [chuckles]
[tires screech]
[car beeping]
[car door closes]
Hey, One of you Mikey?
This is for Jimmy.
[sighs]
[sniffs]
[car door opens]
[car door closes] What’s in the box?
[engine starts]
Plastic pump impellers.
What do, uh…
What do plastic pump impellers do?
They rotate.
Hmm.
Okay. See you around.
Probably not.
FedEx strikes are over.
[tailgate opens] [box thuds]
[sighs]
[engine starts]
[railroad crossing bell ringing]
[train whistle blowing]
[horn honks]
No. No. No. [tires screech]
[glass shatter]
[♪ “Heart of the Sunrise” plays]
♪ Love comes to you and you follow ♪
♪ Lose one, on to the heart of the sunrise ♪
♪ Sharp ♪
♪ Distance ♪
♪ How can the wind with its arms all around me? ♪
♪ Lost on a wave and then after ♪
♪ Dream on ♪
♪ On to the heart of the sunrise ♪
♪ Sharp ♪
♪ Distance ♪
♪ How can the wind with so many around me? ♪
♪ Lost in the city ♪
