Ted
Created by: Seth MacFarlane
Season 2 Episode 8
Episode Title: Fraudcast News
Original release date: March 5, 2026
Plot: After a health scare, Matty is under doctor’s orders to keep calm; this becomes especially challenging when the O.J. Simpson verdict is announced, leading the family to go to extreme lengths to keep him from learning the truth.
* * *
Transcript
Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, I can’t believe my boys are high school graduates now.
Yep. And all without openin’ a single book or applyin’ ourselves in any way.
Gun to my head, I couldn’t find Europe on a map.
Is it the one shaped like a hand?
I got through two years of French just knowing five words.
Baguette.
Déjà vu.
Gérard. Depardieu.
Boys, the world is your oyster now.
No, it ain’t.
From here on out, there’s no more gravy train.
All right? You’re an adult now, Johnny.
That means responsibility.
Don’t you worry, Dad.
You have my word.
I am gonna take adulthood and grab it by the ass.
Speaking of, I gotta take a dump.
That was a long fucking ceremony.
Jesus, we don’t all need to hear about it.
Have a good stool, Matty.
And, Johnny, did you do your doo-doos yet today?
Oh, Ma, I’m 18 now.
Mine is stools too.
Oh, good heavens, you’re right.
You’re right.
Oh!
How time flies.
[♪♪♪]
You said someone’s tokin’ some reefer.
[chuckles] No, I may have said something about smelling some pot.
You know, it’s just an observation.
Oh, an observation, huh?
Well, who the hell are you, man, Isaac fuckin’ Newton?
It’s kind of hard for me to buy that this guy has Isaac Newton on the tip of his tongue.
Yeah, and he really seemed to have it locked and loaded.
Like, “I hope a situation arises today where I can mention my favorite scientist.”
Oh, look, they’re gonna fight.
Why don’t you observe while I punch your teeth down your fucking throat. Come on!
Why do guys always take their shirts off when they’re about to fight?
‘Cause guys will always look at nipples.
Really? Oh, yeah.
If they’re out, a guy’s lookin’.
And while he’s lost in your nipples, you punch him in the face. Wow.
Yeah. Ask Evander Holyfield.
Hey, buddy, my fists are up here.
Exactly.
If JFK had been in the car shirtless, he’d be alive today.
Susan: Boys! Dinner’s ready!
To be continued.
[John grunts]
By the way, there’s a surprise in the salad.
Sun-dried tomatoes.
I got turned around at the Stop and Shop, and I ended up in the ethnic aisle.
Sun-dried is just a fancy word for old.
It’s a wop scam. Italian scam.
Wait. No.
Save ’em and give ’em out to the kids with the mustaches on Halloween.
Jesus Christ, you are such a fuckin’ bigot.
It’s like I’m living with Mark Fuhrman.
Oh, Christ. Not this again.
Oh, what? Because you still can’t admit he is a crooked, lying sack of–
O.J. did it! All right?
If-if the cops planted evidence, it was just to make up for O.J. un-planting it.
That doesn’t make any sense.
John, how’d your interview go today?
What? At my buddy Tommy’s tire shop.
Hey, it wasn’t easy gettin’ you in there.
Luckily, there was an opening because Bob Donahue got crushed under a truck.
Right. The interview.
Um… it went great.
I looked him right in the eye, and I gave him a firm handshake and everything.
Tommy doesn’t have a hand.
Oh. Lost it in a tire balancer last year.
This sounds like a uniquely dangerous workplace.
I shook his nub. He doesn’t have a nub.
It goes all the way up to the shoulder!
I shook his shoulder.
He’s a head on a torso!
How is this guy a mechanic?
Okay, Dad– You didn’t fuckin’ go, did you?
No, but– Goddammit!
I can’t fucking believe it!
If he takes his shirt off, don’t get distracted by his nipples.
See, the thing is– No!
I’m sick of your fucking excuses.
Y-you didn’t get into college. You ain’t got a job.
You ain’t done nothin’ but sit on your ass since June.
Matty, he’s a late bloomer.
He’s a boy, Susan.
Don’t talk about him bloomin’.
But it’s wonderful when a boy blooms.
I said stop it! You know what?
The two of you are kicked out of this fucking house!
Matty! No more free rides!
Matty, no!
No. It’s for his own good, Susan.
My kid ain’t gonna fuckin’ wind up like a fuckin’ welfare queen.
And more racism.
How the fuck is that racist?
You just said welfare queen. So?
So that is a racist black stereotype.
I never said she was black.
Oh, so it’s automatically a woman?
Well, a man’s not poppin’ out babies just to get rich, and don’t change the fuckin’ subject.
I am tired of comin’ home every day to a house full of freeloaders who…
[groans] Fuck!
Matty? Dad, are you okay?
Ah, it’s fucking indigestion.
[groans] Feels like…
Dom DeLuise is sitting on my chest.
Honey, you want some Mylanta?
Oh, shit.
[thuds] [screams]
[♪♪♪]
Doctor, is he gonna be okay?
He’s stable, but there are blockages in his arteries, so another cardiac event is likely.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Doc.
Explain it to me in sewage terms.
Is it just a clogged sink, or is the main line blocked and the shit comin’ up through the shower drain?
I guess it’s closer to the second one.
I’ll need your consent to insert a stent into each blocked artery.
Well, who’s gonna do it?
I’ll be performing the procedure.
Oh, yeah?
What about this guy?
He’s a nurse.
A guy?
Yes. What the fuck’s goin’ on?
Did you give me the drugs already?
Will you stop being a fuckin’ asshole and let him save your life?
[sighs]
All right. Fine.
I’m so sorry.
I’m a doctor in Massachusetts.
If I didn’t save racist lives, I would do nothing.
Susan, I’m scared.
Everything’s gonna be all right, honey.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
A-and, son.
Yeah, Dad?
III don’t say this enough, but… you really need a fuckin’ haircut.
I know, Dad.
Hey, Johnny, look, I’m the kid in the wheelchair at the school dance who’s also havin’ a good time.
[♪♪♪]
[sighs softly]
Hey.
Di–
Did you just put a breast cancer self-exam pamphlet in your pocket?
It’s for when I get home.
I’m ju– I’m just curious.
In the fantasy, does she find a lump?
Yeah. In my pants.
Not your best work, but you’re under a lot of stress.
It’s not even a photo on there.
You’re just gonna jerk off to a line drawing?
Doctor, how is he? Is he gonna be okay?
Also, the vending machine ate one of my quarters.
Is there a form I can fill out or…
The procedure went very smoothly, Mrs. Bennett.
Oh. Thank God.
I’m so relieved.
So Matty’s gonna be okay?
Well, he’s not out of the woods yet.
His condition is very delicate, especially for the next few weeks.
Wwhat does that mean?
He needs to remain calm.
If he gets overly agitated or angry, it could trigger another heart attack.
Possibly be fatal.
We’ll say our goodbyes now.
[pop music playing on TV]
♪ It’s too hot ♪ ♪ Too hot ♪
♪ Too hot… ♪
I think the best part of The Grind is all the grindin’.
We’re blessed to live in a time when dancing is just girls rubbin’ their butts against the dick area of guys’ jeans.
The patient is resting comfortably.
He’s not pissed about having to eat egg whites from now on?
Oh, I disguise them with yellow food coloring.
And tonight, I’m gonna use red dye to make the ground turkey look like ground beef.
This must be what it feels like to be a spy.
[hip-hop music playing]
Oh, Johnny, please change the channel.
I don’t want your father to hear this.
He calls it burglary music.
Delightful.
Judge Ito [on TV]: All right, Mr. Simpson, would you please stand and face the jury?
Oh, my God, I think they’re about to announce the verdict.
jury foreman: We, the jury in the above-entitled action, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty of the crime of murder.
Holy shit. He got away with it.
Well, that was a year and a half of our lives.
Oh, this is very, very bad.
Well, at least it might finally teach the LAPD a lesson.
Matty’s always talkin’ about how guilty O.J. is.
If he finds out about this, he’ll get so angry it could kill him.
Making him O.J.’s third victim.
[♪♪♪]
Matty will be up soon. How do we tell him about O.J.?
Oh, let’s tell him Johnny’s gay.
When he finds out it’s not true, he’ll be so relieved he won’t even care about O.J.
That’s a stupid plan.
Well, it’s worth a try.
Now, we’re gonna need rollerblades, bicycle shorts, and some ice cream to get angry at.
What does that mean?
Well, because the ice cream wants you to eat it, but you gotta keep your body lean for shenanigans.
What if we don’t tell him?
What? He’s stuck in bed.
He’ll never know.
Yes, he will.
There’s a TV up there.
It’s a Zenith.
We can cut the wires and tell him the cable’s out.
What, forever? No. Not forever.
Just till he’s better and he can handle the news.
That could work. Are you serious?
Blaire, you heard the doctor.
If he gets pissed off, it’ll kill him.
Oh, I can’t lose my Matty. What would I do without him?
Thrive.
I feel like this is all my fault.
Dad would have never had that heart attack if he hadn’t been so upset about me bein’ lazy.
Blaire, we gotta do this.
[sighs] Fine.
It’s not all your fault, Johnny.
I’ve seen him put a scoop of Crisco on an ice cream cone.
He does love his Cris-cones. [chuckles]
Mm.
[♪♪♪]
[inhales]
[groans, sighs]
[crackling]
Goddammit!
Susan!
Matty, what’s the matter?
Something wrong with the TV. I can’t get shit.
Oh, yeah. The, uh, the cable company called.
They said it’s gonna be out for at least a week.
Why don’t you read a book?
What am I, a woman?
Uh… Guys are nurses, men reading books.
Janet Reno.
What the fuck is goin’ on with the world?
Matty, don’t get upset.
Remember, the doctor said to keep calm.
I wanna watch the news.
The O.J. verdict’s gotta be out by now.
You know what? I’ll call Trammel’s.
Maybe somebody’s heard something.
He’s guilty!
What? Yeah, Dad.
O.J. was found guilty, just like you were hopin’.
So there’s no reason to be upset.
Why the hell didn’t you guys tell me?
I was… gonna tell you after you filled your bedpan.
As a reward.
Oh! [laughs] Oh, man.
Oh, I… I wish I could have seen the look on O.J.’s face when they read that verdict.
See, Blaire, even your black jury agrees with me about the cops. [chuckles]
You gotta feel pretty fucking stupid right now.
Oh, I… feel stupid.
Man, I can’t wait to read about this in tomorrow’s paper.
What? Yeah.
Bring it to me first thing in the mornin’.
You know what? They, they might not even cover it.
Of course they’re gonna cover it.
It’s the biggest news story of the year.
Right. There’s no gettin’ around that.
In the meantime, I can just listen to the news on the radio.
[stammering]
[clatters]
Oops. Oh, butterfingers.
It’s like he-he’s got butter on, all over your fingers, with what just happened.
Right?
Go wash your fingers. Huh?
Go wash your fingers.
[♪♪♪]
Well, we’re already back in fuckin’ school.
That didn’t take long. Yeah.
I can’t believe how easy it was to break into this place.
Yeah, probably be easy to come in, set a bunch of explosives, kill everybody.
Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Teddy!
What? I’m sayin’ it’s a flaw.
I’m-I’m pointin’ it out. I’m helping.
Seriously, what the fuck is–
Oh, come on, Johnny, you know I’m a good guy.
You’ve seen my manifesto.
[door creaks]
Ah, sweet. They got everything we need.
We sure we can pull this off? Oh, totally.
How hard could it be to make a fake newspaper?
I mean, it’s just a big headline that says “O.J. Guilty” and then a bunch of bullshit about how justice was served.
Johnny, there’s more to a paper than one article.
Real papers have sports sections and restaurant reviews and comics and Jumble, that scrambled word game that’s no fun and way harder than you think it’ll be.
Shit. You’re right.
We got a lot of work to do. Exactly.
Now, we got a long night ahead of us.
I want 500 words on the Big Dig.
And where’s the girl with my egg salad sandwich?
Right away, Queef.
[both laughing]
All right. Let’s keep my dad from dying.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Dad. How you doin’?
Bored as shit.
Well, get ready to cheer up, ’cause here’s today’s paper.
A little thinner than usual.
Oh, uh… well, the newspaper people were probably so focused on the main part that they ran out of time for the other stuff.
Or maybe someone was goofin’ off, accidentally unplugged the computer, and they lost hours of work.
Well, maybe that person needed to blow off some steam because his editor was ridin’ him so hard.
Maybe the editor resents having to hire the owner’s nephew.
Well, maybe that writer hasn’t seen his kid in fuckin’ weeks because the editor is such a goddamn slave driver!
Maybe this city’s full of promising young journalists who’d be happy to take his fuckin’ seat in a second!
Maybe suck a dick or two along the way.
[Matty laughs]
Look at this, huh? Ha ha!
“Simpson was found guilty of murdering “a blonde lady and another guy because he totally did it, “and anyone that thinks different is an idiot.”
Just like I’ve been sayin’.
Yeah, almost word for word.
See what else is happenin’, huh?
“Sox Win Makes Yankees Fans Cry.”
“UN Declares America Did Win Vietnam.”
Finally, a good news day. And look at this.
“Jane Fonda Admits ‘I’m a piece of shit.'”
If you’re lookin’ for a chuckle, maybe check out the comic strip.
Comic strip?
The Galumphs. What’s this?
Uh, it’s new, but I’ve been hearing good things.
Apparently it’s about a family called the Galumphs who get into all sorts of mischief but love each other at the end of the day.
It’s not drawn too good.
Yeah, it’s not supposed to be slick.
That’s part of the charm.
[laughing]
He, he brought a… He brought a beach chair to the DMV.
[laughing]
He knows he’s gonna be there all day.
Classic Galumphs.
All right, we’ll leave you to it.
Enjoy that article about Clinton’s hemorrhoids.
Hey, don’t forget to bring me tomorrow’s newspaper too.
Tomorrow?
Yeah, I’m sure they’ll have all the sections by then.
I wanna know what these Galumphs get up to next.
Yeah, me too.
[whispers] We’re gonna need some help.
[♪♪♪]
All right, here’s the headline for tomorrow’s paper.
“Forty Minutes on Toilet
Equal to Running Two Miles.” Oh, this is terrific.
Blaire, how’s the business section coming?
I just finished a piece on gender-based pay discrepancy.
Are you fuckin’ crazy? I can’t print this.
It’s all true. Women make 72 cents on the dollar.
I don’t give a shit about the truth.
We’re tryin’ to keep Matty alive.
So we’re just gonna create a bubble around him where all he ever hears is news that reinforces his warped worldview?
Pretty much. Give me something I can use.
Like “Scientists Prove Women Worse Drivers” or “Tipping With Change is More than Enough.”
[sighs] Why can’t one of you guys do it?
No. I’m working on a huge story.
“There’s No Reason to Turn the Heat On.”
And I still gotta figure out tomorrow’s Galumphs.
Okay, how about this?
Gary Galumph tells his wife to get all gussied up for a fancy dinner, and then he takes her to the grocery store to fill up on free samples.
I’m smiling, but I’m not laughing yet.
Okay. Uh, is this anything?
Gary Galumph is on the treadmill, and then we cut wider to reveal that he’s on roller skates.
Yeah, they did something similar in yesterday’s Wizard of Id.
All right. Uh…
Gladys Galumph becomes a health inspector for the city, and she finds a cockroach in the kitchen at one of the restaurants.
And before she can shut the place down, the cockroach says, “Excuse me, ma’am, I’m the owner.”
Yes, yes, yes. Draw, draw, draw.
Fuck, draw.
[♪♪♪]
Well, someone’s feelin’ better.
Look at this. Look at this.
“Hillary Clinton Spotted at Urinal.”
I fuckin’ knew it!
Hey, Dad, did you see today’s Galumphs?
Oh, the best one so far.
I-I’ll tell you, any time a dog wears sunglasses, you got my attention.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile, but not quite laugh, so much.
Well, the world finally makes sense, Susan.
O.J. got what he deserved. The Sox are on a winning streak.
You know, the only, the only problem is the damn cable’s still out.
Fuck it.
I’m gonna call, see what’s taking ’em so long.
Uh, oh, wait, uh, no, actually you don’t have to do that because… they’re coming by tomorrow.
Finally.
John, if we fix the cable, he’s gonna find out about O.J.
Well, what if we make our own news?
Huh? We got all that video equipment at school.
We just need to find an actor.
[sighs] Sadly, we know one.
[knock on door]
Come in.
What do you two want?
Here’s something you probably never heard before.
We’d like to hire you again.
[♪♪♪]
Well, look, I’d love to help you out, but I have a strict rule against sequels.
Oh, do you? Yeah, I do.
I hate seeing actors like Harrison Ford, Pacino, guys not without talent, throwing it all away for a quick buck.
This is not a… level. Yeah. No.
This is something much simpler. It’s not like that.
It’s a, it’s a new role. Yeah.
It’s a newscaster.
Go on.
That’s sorta it. Yeah, that’s it.
Yeah. Yeah. That’s the role.
Uh, could this newscaster have a son, uh, in the hospital?
Uh, yeah. Sure. Uh… I mean, I guess.
That’s why his job means so much to him.
Watching the news is the only way his bedridden son can feel connected to the outside world.
With the comforting face of his father as a beacon in the dark.
Yeah, we don’t really need, uh–
You know what?
I could play the son in a flash forward.
Yeah, we’re not makin’ a movie here.
And I feel like we need to be daring.
This-this newscaster’s grappling with his own sexuality, and as a result, he’s never been able to have an authentic moment with his son.
And now it might be too late.
Right.
Because of the cancer.
[chuckles] Oh, my God.
I mean, this is how people win Oscars.
Bingo. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
The fuck are you doing?
What? Don’t encourage this.
And the sex scene should be, uh, ambiguous.
I mean, sex to him is a rubicon.
I want the sex scenes to raise questions, but provide no answers. Yeah, this is getting kinda–
I’m willing to have sex on camera.
Okay, look, there’s also another role we need you to play.
Dual roles?
Oh, wow. I’m loving this.
[chuckles] What’s the other part?
It’s a cable guy who comes to the house to fix the cable.
Could I, uh, could I pitch you something?
Sure.
You ready? Yeah.
He’s retarded. No.
Oh, yeah. No.
He’s full-blown, one wheel in the sand.
Doesn’t help us at all.
Okay, now remember, just put the tape in the VCR and pretend to fix the cable.
[in English accent] Sure thing, guv’nor.
I just moved here from old Blighty, lookin’ to start a new life.
No, no. No, no, no. We talked about this.
Just get in the fuckin’ house.
And no limps!
Hey, Dad.
Look who we just ran into out on the steps.
It’s the cable guy.
Oh, about goddamn time. Can you fix the cable?
Yeah, blood, I can fix the cable.
No, no. Get the fuck to work.
Anythin’, uh, good in the paper today?
Kangaroos are fake. [chuckles]
Fuckin’ called it.
What? No, they’re not.
Olivia Newton-John admitted it.
Educate yourself, Blaire.
[sighs] Fuckin’ A.
The world’s finally gettin’ good, and I’m stuck at home. [sighs]
Maybe I should go for a walk.
Oh, no, no. No! No, no. Home is better.
Okay. All finished.
Wow, that was fast.
Guess I’ll go, uh, turn on the TV.
Good evening.
I’m Chad Farnsworth, and this is your world.
Who the hell is this?
I’ve never seen this guy before.
He seems complicated.
Our top story, O.J. Simpson is still behind bars, where reportedly…
[mouthing along] …he cries himself to sleep each night.
Fuckin’ yes!
Asked if reopening Alcatraz is a little extreme, the California governor said, “Not for this monster.”
Amen.
And now let’s check in with our weather girl, Haley Snowden.
Haley, uh, what’s the weather forecast for the weekend look like?
Oh, not so good, Chad… [laughs]
…unless you’re a duck. [chuckles]
[laughing] Good one, Haley.
Uh, we’re sleeping together. I can’t keep my hands off her.
[inhales] Not even at work.
Oh, yeah.
[moans] Oh, my gosh.
I haven’t felt like this since my wife died.
Mm! Ohh!
Okay, that’s enough of that. [turns off TV]
[♪♪♪]
We’re fucked.
Dad’s gonna be expecting another newscast tomorrow.
Well, that’s our life now, Johnny.
Preparing a daily paper and nightly news.
We are a two-man media empire.
Oh, and by the way, I fired Blaire.
She’s suing us.
Have you boys seen Matty?
He’s not in the bedroom, and I can’t find him anywhere.
No.
He-he’s not in the garage or the basement.
His coat’s gone, but the car is still here.
He-he must have gone for a walk.
Oh, shit. He’s out in the world.
He could learn the truth and have another heart attack.
Hey, how about those fuckin’ fake kangaroos, huh?
What?
[♪♪♪]
reporter: Excuse me, sir? Yeah?
Sir, we’re doing a man-on-the-street interview for Channel Six News.
Would you be willing to give your opinion?
Always.
We’re wondering how you feel about the O.J. verdict.
Oh, I love it.
Makes me proud to be an American.
Really? Absolutely.
I-I would have done the exact same thing if I was on that jury.
What about those who say the verdict was racially motivated?
Bullshit.
As far as I’m concerned, O.J. is getting exactly what he deserves.
Okay, well, thank you for your time.
Hey, can you believe your weather lady’s fuckin’ the anchor?
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Matty. Ain’t seen you in a few days.
What you been up to? Uh, I had a heart attack. Yeah.
They had to put a fuckin’ stent in my artery.
Oh, yeah? I got one of those.
Yeah, I’m mostly stent at this point.
They give you last rites? No.
Oh, then don’t fuckin’ bore me.
Hey, how about that O.J. verdict, huh?
Oh, don’t remind me. I’m still pissed off about it.
Why? For once they got it right.
Are you shittin’ me?
The whole thing was rigged.
Well, maybe a little.
But, you know, sometimes you gotta put your thumb on the scales of justice just to make sure things turn out fair.
Justice? You don’t know what you’re fuckin’ talkin’ about.
The hell I don’t.
Hey, hey.
I got other customers here, huh?
Yeah, you’re right. We shouldn’t be bickering.
We, we sound like
Gary and Gladys Galumph. [chuckles]
Who?
From the comic strip.
Never heard of it.
It’s in the paper every day.
I think they put that stent in your fuckin’ brain.
The… the fuckin’ Galumphs! Jesus Christ.
You know, “Oh, Gladys, my achin’ back.” The Galumphs!
I don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin’ about!
They’re making a movie with Rosie O’Donnell.
Oh, Matty, thank God. There you are.
Dad, we were lookin’ all over for you.
Honey, you gotta come home. You need your rest.
I don’t wanna go. I just got my beer.
You gotta get him outta here, Susan.
He’s talkin’ fuckin’ crazy.
Come on, Matty. I’m talking…
Let’s go. He’s fuckin’ crazy!
He’s never heard of the fuckin’ Galumphs!
There ain’t no Galumphs, asshole!
You wouldn’t know! You don’t fuckin’ read, you dumb fuck!
I read Garfield like a regular fuckin’ human being, fuckface!
Fuck Garfield and fuck you!
You should have been a fuckin’ blowjob, asshole!
Why don’t you go shit in another urinal, you drunk fuck?
Get him outta here.
[patrons speak indistinctly]
Glad you’re doin’ better, though.
[door closes]
[♪♪♪]
He’s asleep.
Well, that was a close fuckin’ call.
You guys, this is insane. We have to tell him the truth.
It’s too risky.
Plus, I already started working on tomorrow’s Galumphs.
Gary goes as himself for Halloween ’cause of inflation.
Ha!
Maybe we should wait a little while longer until he gets his strength back.
No, this is fucking crazy!
He walked to Trammel’s.
That’s the most exercise he’s gotten in years.
He’s fine.
He almost got in a fistfight over fucking Garfield and survived.
But he’s enjoying his new life.
Please, Blaire, all we have to do is lie to him forever and he’ll be happy.
[♪♪♪]
Matty: Hello?
I-I’m supposed to meet somebody here.
Hello?
I have some information you might want.
Blaire?
[sighs] Yes.
What the fuck are we doin’ here?
Do they know you’re gone?
No. I-I climbed out the bathroom window like the note said.
What the fuck is goin’ on?
The rest of the family doesn’t want you to see this, but… I can’t keep living a lie.
[sighs] What’s this? Some kinda joke paper?
No, Matty, it’s the real newspaper.
O.J. is a free man.
What? Read the rest.
It’s… it says Cleveland swept the Red Sox out of the playoffs.
Of course they lost. They’re the Red Sox.
You are fuckin’ with me! Look at the funnies.
Wha…
The Galumphs! Where are the fucking Galumphs?
There are no Galumphs, Matty.
But…
But Hillary Clinton, her dick was real, right?
[sighs]
No, she has a vagina.
[gasps]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Matty gasps]
[whimpers]
Oh, my…
[dramatic music playing]
Hey, look, that’s the guy from the news.
Hey! Thanks for stickin’ up for O.J.
Wh-what?
You’re the blackest white man in Boston!
[heavy breathing]
[music intensifies]
[heart thumping]
[thumping stops]
[panting]
Oh, my God. Um… I-II’ll call an ambulance.
No. [panting continues]
Let me die.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, Matty.
Thank God you’re okay.
I was so scared. I’m fine.
I’m actually starting to get used to these heart attacks.
Next one should be a breeze. Susan: Aw.
Oh, you’re not allowed to have any more heart attacks.
We’re gonna have a, a long life together.
[monitor beeping]
I love you, Matty Bennett.
I love you too, Susan.
I’m sorry, Uncle Matty.
I thought telling you the truth was the right thing to do.
I-I didn’t realize you were so… entrenched.
Anyways, yeah, I’m-I’m sorry.
No, it’s all my fault.
This whole thing started ’cause I’m a freeloadin’ fuckup, and I fucked it up even worse by tricking ya.
I don’t blame you for being pissed.
Are you kiddin’?
I’m not pissed. I’m fuckin’ impressed.
What? Yeah.
You made a whole newspaper every day for a week.
Shit, it was some of the best sports writing
I’ve read in years.
And, and the news.
Johnny, you created an entire world.
A world I wanna live in.
Where the Red Sox don’t suck.
Where Madonna is dead.
And where a white guy in America can finally get a fair shake.
Could I get some morphine?
Sure. I’ll join you.
Yeah, it was a lie, but… it gave me somethin’ to believe in.
And if you can do all that…
I know you can do anything you set your mind to.
It was kind of a two-man operation.
So you don’t think I’m a fuckup?
You got potential, Johnny.
I’m proud of you.
Thanks, Dad.
[gentle music playing]
[inhales deeply]
Oh, man, it’s just startin’ to hit me that high school’s really over.
Yeah, there’s no denyin’ it.
You and I are now responsible adult members of society.
Hand me that bong.
We’ll probably end up getting our own place soon.
You think Mom will still come over to, like, do our laundry and clean up and shit?
Abso-fucking-lutely not.
She’s right, Johnny.
We’re grown-ups now.
We’ll bring the laundry to Susan.
I say we become industrial bigwigs with an office in the World Trade Center.
Two offices, one in each tower.
And a satellite office in the Pentagon for all those fat government contracts.
And a summer home for vacations.
I hear they got some great open land in Pennsylvania.
Oh, nothin’ will stop us.
I think you guys might need to lower your expectations a little bit.
Oh, nuh-uh. You heard my dad.
I can do anything I set my mind to.
I can go to college, invent something.
The sky’s the limit.
So, what are you gonna do?
[inspiring music playing]
You sure this is what you want?
Never been more sure of anything in my life.
I’m gonna get totally ripped.
You mean like a normal level of in-shape?
No. Like, really ripped.
Like, so muscular that people who love me are concerned.
I support you in this endeavor.
Let’s go.
narrator: And John did indeed get massively swole.
There was a seven-year period where he never once wore a shirt.
Eventually he married a really cool girl, but they got divorced and he met another cool girl.
You know what? There are two movies about it.
Just watch them.
Well, the first one, the second one has funny moments, most of them in the first half, but even I can’t sit still for the whole thing.
Anyway, here’s the end credits.
[♪♪♪]
[“Everybody Needs a Best Friend” by Norah Jones playing]
♪ Oh, you’ve got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪
♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪
♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪
♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪
♪ I’m just a clown ♪
♪ And I’ll bring you down ♪
♪ But you just don’t care ♪
♪ ‘Cause your ♪
♪ Best friend is me ♪
[♪♪♪]
