Ted
Created by: Seth MacFarlane
Season 2 Episode 5
Episode Title: The Sword in the Stoned
Original release date: March 5, 2026
Plot: Realizing John is light on extracurricular activities for college applications, John and Ted audition for the school play; Matty and Susan get part-time jobs at Dunkin’ Donuts.
* * *
Transcript
Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.
[♪♪♪]
Man. I can’t believe we’re halfway through senior year.
Yeah, time flies when you’re stoned fifteen hours a day.
Everyone sure has changed since we got here.
I mean, Clive’s even got a beard now.
Ted: He looks like Chuck Norris quit karate and started calling himself Charles Norris.
He looks like an admiral who defies the President’s order to nuke a Russian sub.
He looks like a man of letters who sexually satisfied Barbra Streisand in 1978.
You know who hasn’t changed at all?
Who? Me.
I’m the same fucking loser I was the day I walked in here.
You know, I’m gonna go to college having never had a girlfriend.
How fucking lame is that?
What about Bethany?
No, I’m talking about, like, a real relationship.
Everyone in school’s got it figured out, but not me.
I’m the last single guy left.
I mean, the jocks have the cheerleaders.
Andrew’s got Polly.
Even all the gay kids have carpal tunnel from giving each other handjobs.
I can’t believe Blue Cross covers that.
Hey, what about Erin? She’s single.
And remember, Susan told us she’s not a total bitch.
God, she’s so fucking hot.
Never happen, though. She doesn’t date dorks.
Hey, you never know.
Maybe she’s sick of guys with lots of confidence, chiseled jaws, and huge dicks.
I’m too nervous to even masturbate to her.
I get self-conscious and I got performance anxiety.
Lately, I can only jerk off to people who are lesser than me.
Who? Lot of Tammy Faye Baker and homeless women.
Ah.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, what about NYU?
Don’t pick nothing too expensive.
Don’t worry, Matty. John’s not getting into college.
Hey, why not? I got a 2.6.
Colleges don’t just look at your grades.
They also consider your extracurricular activities.
You have zero.
Oh, my God. John, she’s right.
It says “Activities,” and then there’s eight blank lines.
Who the hell does eight lines worth of stuff?
Tim Allen.
People who actually go to college.
I mean, I did debate, newspaper, swimming, volleyball.
But John can’t do any of those things.
He’s just a boy.
I could swim if there’s an adult.
[♪♪♪]
There’s no way to bullshit ourselves, Susan.
We’re in real financial trouble here.
Well, you’ll pull us through, Matty. You always do.
I don’t know. Not this time. We’re not gonna–
We’re not gonna stay above water, let alone pay for college unless I find other work.
And you know whose fucking fault it is?
Oh, please don’t say it’s yours.
Course not.
It’s fucking Clinton.
Oh. Yeah. Why–
Why’s he telling everybody they should go to college anyhow?
Like I want to blow twenty-five grand so my son can turn gay?
It should be cheaper to do that.
I always thought John could get a job or– or get drafted like I did, but there aren’t even any good wars.
This whole thing’s my fault.
I’ve been spending like a society girl, getting all my oil from Olay.
I can find cheaper sources.
No. Don’t ever say that.
You deserve the best skincare that Filene’s Basement can offer.
I’ll find a job to pull us through to spring.
I saw a deer today.
I don’t want to get involved.
[♪♪♪]
John: Jesus Christ.
This is what it takes to get into college?
These all look fucking awful.
Math club? No.
Lacrosse? No.
Soccer? No.
Astronomy? No.
Did the Holocaust happen?
No. Oh, wait! No!
Ah, too late. No. No, man.
Fuck you. Too late, too late.
You’re a monster. I’m telling everybody.
Fuck you. Oh, hey, look at this.
“Audition for Camelot. A Royal Delight!”
Huh. What do you think?
Well, if I try out, would you audition with me?
Sure. How hard could acting be?
I mean, John Travolta does it.
Skeet Ulrich makes a living at it.
There’s no way Tom Arnold does something we can’t do.
Matt LeBlanc seems to get by.
Someone’s paying Kevin Costner.
Christian Slater sticks around.
There’s always plenty of Charlie Sheen.
Craig T Nelson owns a house from acting.
I can act. You can act.
[♪♪♪]
So, are you familiar with this location?
Yeah. My dad died in here.
Oh. Sweet.
So why do you think you’re qualified to work in a fast-paced environment with real growth opportunities like Dunkin’ Donuts?
I eat donuts and I know what coffee is.
That’s basically it. Welcome to the team.
It’s $4.25 an hour plus tips.
Do a lot of people give tips?
It’s never happened once, but it might.
I should get you a shirt.
Jesus Christ. I gotta wear pink?
Everybody does. It’s how the cops know who not to shoot if anything goes down.
Ah. We got a Marty. That’s close enough.
[piano playing]
[singing off-key] ♪ Tell me how am I supposed ♪
♪ To live without you? ♪
♪ Now that I’ve been ♪ ♪ Loving you so long ♪
♪ How am I supposed ♪ ♪ To live without you? ♪
Okay. Okay.
Thank you, Kenneth. I think that’s plenty.
Thank you. Um, you can go.
Oh. Well, are you leaning one way or the other in regards to my inclusion in the play?
Cast list goes up on Monday.
Okay. Thank you.
Poor Kenneth. He auditions for the play every year and he never gets cast.
Yeah, I overheard Principal Bernard saying they’re worried about his long term self-esteem and they may have to shoot him.
Well, it’s better than letting him suffer.
Yeah.
Hey, Johnny. Look.
[piano playing]
Holy shit, it’s Erin.
♪ Kiss today goodbye ♪
♪ The sweetness ♪ ♪ And the sorrow ♪
Fuck, she sounds really great.
And she’s pretty, so it means more.
♪ Wish me luck ♪ ♪ The same to you ♪
♪ Won’t forget ♪ ♪ Can’t regret what I did ♪
Hey, Teddy. If Erin and I were both in the play, then I would get to spend every day with her.
[audience clapping]
Erin, that was lovely. Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay. John Benet.
Oh, it’s, um– It’s Bennett.
Of course. Sorry. I spent the summer in Paris.
Come on up.
All right, buddy, go fuck ’em up.
Okay.
I will be performing the “Not without my daughter” scene from Not Without My Daughter.
[sniffs, clears throat]
Not without my daughter!
Thank you.
Okay. Thank you.
Next, uh, Ted.
Good job, man. That was powerful.
Hi. Uh, Ted Bennett. Two feet five inches.
I am locally based, SAG eligible, and I will not shave.
Okay, I will be performing the theme from the Gummi Bears.
[theme music from Adventures of the Gummi Bears playing]
♪ Dashing and daring ♪ ♪ Courageous and caring ♪
♪ Faithful and friendly ♪ ♪ With stories to share ♪
♪ All through the forest ♪ [lip-syncing]
Ted: ♪ They sing out in chorus ♪
♪ Marching along ♪ ♪ As their song fills the air ♪
♪ Gummi bears ♪
♪ Bouncing here and there ♪ ♪ And everywhere ♪
♪ High adventure ♪ ♪ That’s beyond compare ♪
♪ They are the Gummi bears ♪
♪ They are the Gummi bears! ♪
Thank you very much.
I have a question.
Have either one of you ever seen a play before?
No. No, we have not.
[♪♪♪]
John: Well, how much longer do you think it’ll be?
I don’t know. He said 10 a.m.
Well, maybe we just leave and come back later.
Nah, this way, we can beat the crowd.
Ah. Johnny, look.
Okay, let’s check it out.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
What? Football jocks.
John: Oh, shit. What do we do?
All right. All right, here’s what we do.
We walk by casually, and we check the list without stopping.
Okay. Good plan.
Here we go.
[students chattering indistinctly]
Guard number one!
Guard number two!
Hey! They’re in the play! Get ’em!
Oh, shit! [Ted whimpers]
John: Shit!
[both whimpering]
John: Oh, my God!
Oh, man, are they gonna get it.
So can you understand why what you did was wrong?
I guess. I–
I mean, I’m still struggling to understand how our involvement in the play affects you.
Well, it’s just, when you’re public about it, and I see you doing something like checking the cast list, it puts me in a position where I have to act.
Where you have to come beat us up.
Cameron: Exactly.
To see students involved in the arts is just really kind of a nonstarter for me.
It makes me uncomfortable. All of us.
[jocks agreeing in unison]
We’re all uncomfortable.
And I just feel like school should be a non-threatening environment, and we should feel safe.
And our participation in the play makes you feel unsafe.
Deeply. I mean, that’s all I’m saying.
And I just don’t think that’s fair.
I guess when you put it that way.
We were wrong. We were wrong. Yeah.
I apologize. Yeah. Yeah. Me, too. I– I–
The last thing we want to do is make anyone feel uncomfortable.
Okay, well, thank you for understanding.
Oh, no. God, don’t mention it.
[chuckles] I’ve had this go so many different ways.
I’ve had to beat up so many people with so many diverse interests.
Oh, listen, we do not want to add to your already full plate. Really.
I appreciate that. We’ll be more discreet.
Thank you. Really.
Okay. You have a good day now. You, too.
Thanks. And stay dry.
Looks like we might get some drizzle.
We will. Thanks so much.
This school is so fucking weird.
Sorry, I forgot.
[groans]
[♪♪♪]
Today we’ve been talking with some people who say they are all that, even though their friends disagree and say that they’re just crap.
Oh, my goodness.
[door opens]
[chatter continues on TV]
Look at this check, would you?
Huh, you fucking believe it?
I worked 40 hours this week.
You know, this Dunkin’ money is only half of what we need to get by.
And we– And we ain’t taking any fucking handouts.
Maybe I could get a job, too.
You? Who’s gonna make dinner?
I’d still cook dinner.
Who’s gonna do the laundry?
Well, I would.
Who’s gonna vacuum? Me.
Well, as long as we’re still splitting everything equally, then sure.
Do they need any more help at the Dunkin’ Donuts?
They still got the sign up.
Well, maybe I could be your little helper.
You and me, side by side, making the donuts and the coffee.
Be so romantic.
Yeah, great. Hey, do me a favor and boil a paperclip. I got a wart on my toe.
[♪♪♪]
No, no, no, no. Lancelot, Guenevere, you two are supposed to be in love, okay?
I’m not feeling any passion here.
Okay, sorry. She’s giving me absolutely nothing.
Excuse me? I’m literally pouring my guts out in this scene.
Oh, that’s what that smell was.
Fuck you. Okay. Okay, let’s–
Let’s let’s do some basic warm up exercises here.
We’ll clear our heads.
Uh, Erin, I thought you were great.
Oh, thanks. I feel so much better now.
Hey, it’s pretty cool that we get to work together for the next few weeks, huh?
Let me nip this in the bud right now.
Not interested in whatever it is that you’re trying to get going here, so just stay out of my way, Guard number one or two or whatever.
He’s number one. I’m number two.
Also, speaking of number two, sorry again about that time I shit all over you in class.
Fuck off, bear.
Okay. Erin, Nathan.
Let’s try a repetition exercise, okay?
We’ll start with something simple.
Maybe “I like your shirt.”
Say that back and forth to each other.
See if you can generate any emotion.
I like your shirt.
I like your shirt. I like your shirt.
Thank you. It’s Ralph Lauren.
No. No, that’s not how it’s done.
Look, someone else try.
John, Ted. Our two guards. You guys go.
This ought to be good.
Uh, okay.
I like your shirt.
I like your shirt.
I love your shirt.
I fucking lied. I hate your shirt.
You hate my shirt? Fuck you!
Fuck you and your fucking shirt!
Don’t talk about my shirt.
I’ll fucking kill you, motherfucker!
I’ll fucking kill you and fuck your shirt, you piece of shit!
Fuck you! [Ted grunts]
[both straining]
Aren’t you gonna– [shushing]
Ted: I’ll use your shirt to choke you out like a bitch!
John: I’ll strangle you and your whole fucking family!
[John groans] I’ll fucking use your baby son as a club to beat your fucking mother!
I never knew my mother!
You never knew your mother?
No. I never knew my mother.
Or any of my aunts.
Oh, Sydney, I’m so sorry! I had no idea.
His name was Sydney in the exercise.
[laughing]
Now that, that is acting.
I’m not even wearing a shirt.
Okay, everybody, let’s take five.
I gotta go over some notes with the stage crew.
Hey. Hey.
That was actually good. What you and Ted just did.
Thank you.
How, um–
How’d you do that?
Oh, well, I watch a lot of movies, and I figured that all acting’s basically just yelling, whispering, or crying.
So I just picked one of those three things before I said anything.
Huh. That actually might work.
Thanks, John.
What a fucking cunt, right?
Hey, should we start a massage train?
[♪♪♪]
Okay. Susan, I’m gonna show you our employee orientation video.
Oh, I’m so excited.
I haven’t seen a movie in seventeen years.
All right.
[jingle playing on TV]
Here’s your fresh dozen.
Thanks for coming to Dunkin’ Donuts.
Smells delicious. Thank you.
Hi. And welcome to the Dunkin’ Donuts family.
At Dunkin’ Donuts, the customer always comes first.
There are Dunkin’ dos and Dunkin’ don’ts.
Let’s look at a typical situation.
Hello. I’d like a dozen of the chocolate glazed donuts.
We’re out of those Also, my shift just ended.
[scoffs]
director: Go!
I’m not sure that customer will ever want to come back again.
Now let’s look at the right way to handle the question.
Hello. I’d like a dozen of the chocolate glazed donuts.
Good choice. You picked one of my favorites.
I’ll get them boxed and ready right away.
Also, can I suck your cock for you?
Oh, God damn it!
Sorry. Sorry.
That was clearly a Jeffrey prank.
He was fired last month.
But actually, everything before the cock thing was correct.
So, look, just be nice to the customers and greet them with a smile. Can you do that?
Oh, I love smiling.
I’m always looking for new things and people to smile at. Jesus Christ.
Matty, let’s see your best customer smile.
[sighs]
Isn’t this exciting?
You and me, side by side, bringing donuts to the people.
You should know, there’s a guy with a hole in his cheek.
Comes in every morning. Just puts the donut right in.
It’s horrible to watch.
Oh, my.
[indistinct chatter]
[piano playing]
both [harmonizing]: ♪ That we may love once more ♪
And here we’ll do the big kissies.
But let’s wait until the actual show.
We don’t want to waste the chemistry.
Guard number one, what are you doing?
You’re too far downstage.
Oh. Uh, right.
Um, Guenevere is married to King Arthur, so I figure as Guard number one, I’m probably not too happy about Lancelot hitting on her.
So I’m up here getting ready to…
[grunts] …you know, defend the state or whatever.
Yeah. No. Step back onto your mark.
Wait. Actually, I like that. What he said.
At least somebody’s treating me like royalty.
[scoffs] Honey, you think you’re all that, but you’re just crap.
Hey, that’s our fucking queen, pal.
Listen, I gotta rehearse some swordplay with Arthur.
Okay, go. We’ll move on to the Mordred scene.
[scoffs]
You know, you’re the only one in this play who’s actually giving me anything to work with.
Really?
Yeah, it’s funny.
Whenever I want to get into character, I just look at you, because you’re staring at me all wide eyed.
Oh. Uh, sorry if I’m being creepy.
Believe it or not, it’s helping.
Makes me feel like an actual queen.
Well, that, uh, that makes sense, then, because you are kind of like the queen of the school.
Do you want to run lines with me after rehearsal?
I have a few scenes I’m shaky on, and Nathan’s always trying on wigs.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Yeah, definitely. For sure.
Cool.
I live to serve, milady.
[laughs]
So Lancelot and Arthur are fucking.
I saw ’em wiping their dicks on the velvet curtain.
You want to go get burgers?
[♪♪♪]
Okay. [claps hands] Everybody, gather around.
I’ve got huge news.
Are the pumpkin munchkins coming back?
No, those were a complete disaster and they got a lot of people fired.
What is happening is President Clinton is visiting Framingham next week…
[gasps] …and he’ll be stopping by this store. What?
The news is gonna be here, too.
So, uh, Jurgis, if you could look American, that’d be great, buddy.
[speaking Latvian]
Holy shit.
This– This is gonna be the best fucking day of my life.
I thought you hated the President.
Don’t you see, Susan?
This– This is gonna be my chance to rip that fucking shithead a new asshole with the whole world watching.
Remember when that happened to me when I had John?
This is a great fucking day for America!
At least I got to ride in a helicopter.
All right, pal. What’ll it be?
Can I get a powdered donut and a tea?
I’m not making tea for a guy.
[♪♪♪]
Come away with me, Guenevere.
Surely you know I can’t.
And because you can’t, you shan’t?
I have taken an oath before God to be with Arthur.
Then shan’t I ne’er you e’er?
No. Farewell forever, my fair– my fair Lancelot.
Wow! That was so good. Really?
Oh, my God. You guys were– That was great.
That was like a Folgers commercial.
Cool.
So are you excited about the show?
It’s only a week away.
Well, yeah, I guess, but you’re the one with the big starring role.
Yeah, me and Johnny just got to stand there.
Our whole job is to just not poop for those two hours.
But, uh, what about you?
I mean, I never pegged you as a theater girl.
What with being a cheerleader and all.
Secret’s out. [chuckles] I really want to be an actress.
In fact, my dad is paying a video guy five hundred bucks to tape the show for my Emerson application.
No pressure, right? [chuckles]
Wow. That– That actually sounds like a lot of pressure.
I hope you don’t blow it all with one small mistake.
Well, hey, if you need to be reminded that you’re a queen up there, you just look at me. I got you.
Thanks, John.
John, I need to measure you for your armor.
Oh. Yeah, all right.
Hey, um, do you want to hang out after the show?
We could celebrate or drown our sorrows, depending on the reviews.
I- I– I think I might be free.
He has no plans ever. He’ll do it.
Great. See you then.
Holy shit. John, you just got a date with the hottest girl in school.
Yeah, I guess I did.
The humiliation of being a nobody is finally over.
Hey, I need the smallest codpiece we have for John.
wardrobe assistant: What about the extra, extra, extra small ones?
No, those are still too big.
Call the company and see if they can specially make a smaller codpiece than they’ve ever made before. For John.
It’s all right. No one even knows which John he’s talking about.
For John Bennett of 48, Clifford Lane, who has an extremely small crotch measurement.
I hate the crew.
[♪♪♪]
Matty, is everything okay?
Yeah, why?
Because you’re not screaming.
That’s ’cause today is the day I finally stick it up the ass of your President, Slick Willie.
You’re– You’re– You’re gonna do anal to Bill Clinton?
You’re goddamn right I am.
And I’m gonna say, “Hey, thanks for creating so many new jobs, because now I got two of ’em.” Cool.
I saw the political cartoon you stole that from.
Then– Then I’m gonna tell him– I’m gonna say, “See you on the unemployment line, asshole.
Because now that we got NAFTA, we can hire a Mexican President for 60% off.”
Why would you be on the unemployment line?
You just said you have two jobs.
That’s only for the first joke.
And then when he’s walking off with his tail between his legs, I’m gonna go– I’m gonna go, “Hey, what am I, the draft?
‘Cause you’re dodging me.”
What about you, Aunt Suse?
Are you excited to meet the President?
I’m more excited about my baby’s first big show this Friday.
It’s not that big a deal, Ma. We don’t have any lines.
I don’t think the audience is even gonna notice us.
Still, you’re so brave to get up there with all those eyes staring at you. What do you mean?
Well, if I had five hundred people watching me, I’d be terrified.
I don’t know how the cast of Nunsense does it every night.
Five hundred? Oh, at least.
All at the same time.
Oh, honey, the whole town’s coming.
I’ve told everybody.
My baby, the Broadway star.
[gasps] Oh, Matty, maybe I’ll get my tap shoes out tonight.
I threw ’em away.
[sirens wailing]
[♪♪♪]
Remember to say, “Dunkin’ Donuts just off the Mass Pike.”
[scoffs] Don’t you worry.
I know exactly what I’m gonna say.
POTUS is on the move.
Please only let the President have one donut.
[indistinct chatter]
Matty, isn’t this exciting?
Oh my gosh. Here he comes. [crowd cheering]
Well, hi there.
Thanks for letting me visit with you this afternoon.
Welcome to Dunkin’ Donuts, Mr. President.
Well, you must be Miss Massachusetts.
[chuckling] Oh, dear.
Oh. Mm. Uh, I have to pee.
Well, gosh, what should I order?
Let’s see. Everything looks good.
Any recommendations? Yeah.
I recommend you– you do a– you do a better job.
Pardon? You–
You you’re not doing a very good job.
And– And– And, yeah.
Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.
I’d love to know your thoughts.
Well, the–
Your economy is bad.
Well, I feel your pain, and I want to hear your grievances.
Listen, would you folks mind giving us a few minutes to talk?
I think he’s a little nervous. [camera shutters clicking]
Of course, sir. We’ll be right outside.
Now, tell me what you’re feeling.
I think you stink.
And– And you’re– And you’re doing a garbage job.
Really? Yeah.
Well, listen here, you pockmarked piece of shit.
You got some set of fucking balls.
I take time out of my day to visit your little shit shop and you’re giving me lip?
Maybe the real problem is you’re just a fucking loser.
But– Fuck you.
Think you’re so fucking tough with your fucking shitbag mouth.
Why don’t you take a swing at me, tough guy?
I’ll slap you back so hard you won’t even recognize your own fucking dick.
Um– And get a shave, you pig.
The fucking President’s here.
Now listen, throw some fucking Munchkins in a bag, give me a cup of coffee and shake my hand and smile to the window so people know we’re having a good fucking time.
Go!
[camera shutters clicking]
That’s right. Keep smiling, you fucking dog’s vagina.
All right, they got it.
Coffee’s cold, asshole.
[camera shutters clicking] [reporters clamoring]
I meet President, but still not Courteney Cox?
What fuck?
[♪♪♪]
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Dude, the play is in two hours. I can’t do this.
Yes you can. It’s gonna go great.
Why did mom have to get into my fucking head?
Hundreds of people watching. I can’t go up there.
I’m gonna panic. Well, we can always bail.
Yes. No. No, dude. We can’t bail.
Erin is never gonna go out with me, and she’s gonna hate me for the rest of my life.
I mean, you heard her. They’re taping the show for her college application.
I got an idea.
♪ I want to be the girl ♪ ♪ With the most cake ♪
♪ He only loves… ♪
Blaire. Whoa, dude.
Ever heard of knocking? Blair, we need your help.
Aren’t you guys supposed to be getting ready for your play?
Yeah, well, Johnny’s having some trouble.
He needs a little, uh, something.
You– You got anything mellow?
I thought we already established I’m not your dealer.
Come on, Blair. Me and Johnny are smoked out.
The cupboard is bare.
Blair, please. I can’t do it.
I can’t go out on that stage, all right?
I am too scared.
Please, I’m begging you.
Okay. You’re in luck. Paige made these brownies.
Super mellow. An edible?
Yeah, I took one, like, 30 minutes ago, and I just feel super chill and focused.
Take one right before you go on stage and you’ll float through the play.
Thank you, Blair.
It’s easy to lose sight of, but drugs are always the solution.
So, we’ll see you at the play?
Absolutely not.
[♪♪♪]
All right, you ready? Here we go.
Yeah, we’re eating a brownie, not going to the fucking moon. Calm down.
Hey, John.
Erin.
Wow. [chuckles] You look amazing.
Thanks. You, too.
I’ll see you out there. Remember, you’re my rock.
[audience chattering indistinctly]
Ted: Huh, big audience.
Yeah, who cares? By the time we get out there, we’re gonna be chill as fuck.
John, you have a phone call.
Hello?
Guys, do not eat those brownies!
What? They’re laced with shrooms or some shit. I’m in fucking hell right now.
What’s wrong? She says not to eat
the brownies. What?
We already did.
No! God. Oh, God. No!
Oh, God, what’s happening to you?
I have to kill myself as a 500-year-old woman.
Fuck! I can’t talk.
When I’m 500, I have to die.
She’s freaking out! What do we do?
Oh, shit! What the fuck do we do?
We gotta throw up.
[both gagging]
I don’t know how girls do this all the time. It’s impossible.
I have no gag reflex. Please don’t let that get out.
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, Matty, I saw you on the news.
Yeah? I gotta ask you.
What did you say to the President?
[scoffs] I– I–
I called him a lying piece of shit, and– and he almost cried.
Yeah. And then– And then I– I threw a coffee at him.
Really? Yeah.
I– I won.
I like that Dunkin’ Donuts.
I saw Courteney Cox there once.
Oh! You need to be joking me!
Fuck, Teddy. We got ticking time bombs in our stomachs.
Okay, let’s just calm down here.
How do you feel now?
Right now, I actually feel fine.
Me, too. Maybe– Maybe Blair just can’t handle her pot.
Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. That’s what it is.
She’s a lightweight. Not like us.
We’re fucking pot experts.
Yeah, maybe it won’t hit us as hard.
Guards, thirty seconds. You’re on.
Oh, fuck.
Dear Guenevere, your beauty is intoxicating.
You mustn’t say such things within the castle walls.
I cannot withhold my feelings.
I believe I’m falling in love with you.
My darling Lancelot, lower your voice.
The guards will hear you!
[loudly] I say, the guards will hear you!
[audience murmuring]
[John exclaims]
Everyone’s staring at us.
So many eyes.
I don’t know who’s in the play anymore.
I think the people not sitting in chairs are in the play.
They’re gonna know, Teddy. Everyone’s watching us.
They’re all gonna know we’re on drugs.
No they’re not. Nobody’s gonna know we’re on drugs.
Oh, I’m sure they will. They’re gonna know we’re on drugs.
No, not if we keep our voices down and whisper like we’re doing right now.
What an interesting plot twist.
Lancelot, it– it is impolitic for us to carry on in this fashion.
Line? You don’t have any lines.
Okay, then I’ll improvise.
ALF, you can’t eat the cat. It’s Christmas.
[John urinating]
Jesus fucking Christ, are you pissing?
It’s too much pressure! I don’t want to grow up!
He’s just a boy, everyone!
What the fuck are you doing?
Hey, there is a demon in my butthole, okay?
[grunting]
Line?
[♪♪♪]
I mean, it could have been worse.
We didn’t die.
Erin. Fuck you, John.
Erin, wait. Please. I’m so sorry.
Me and Teddy, we got fed some bad brownies, and I fucking– I messed up, okay?
But what we felt in those rehearsals, that was real, wasn’t it?
I mean, it was for me.
Are you fucking insane?
You just completely and massively fucked me over!
Maybe we could talk about it down at Friendly’s?
[laughs]
I would literally rather have prison sex with Jeffrey Dahmer.
Goodbye, John.
And fuck you, Ted.
You know, there’s, like, a 10% chance we’re still on stage.
[♪♪♪]
John: Activities.
Did play.
Nice.
[♪♪♪]
[“Everybody Needs a Best Friend” by Norah Jones playing]
♪ Oh, you’ve got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪
♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪
♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪
♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪
♪ I’m just a clown ♪
♪ And I’ll bring you down ♪
♪ But you just don’t care ♪
♪ ‘Cause your ♪
♪ Best friend is me ♪
[♪♪♪]
