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Ted – S01-E02 – My Two Dads | Transcript

Ted and John's plan to exact revenge on the school bully inadvertently puts them in a parental role
Ted - S01-E02 - My Two Dads

Ted
Season 1 Episode 2
Episode Title: My Two Dads
Original release date: January 11, 2024

After being attacked in the bathroom, John and Ted get back at Clive, the school bully, with a prank call in which they pretend to be his absentee father and humiliate him in public. Despite succeeding, the two feel guilty over hurting his feelings and continue pretending to be Clive’s dad in hopes of bettering his life, something they quickly grow to enjoy doing. However, things come to a head when Clive becomes more interested in meeting his father in person at his birthday party. John and Ted hire a mall cop and aspiring actor to pose as Clive’s dad, but the ruse is discovered. Although angry, Clive comes to realize that his rival’s actions truly did help him out. Meanwhile, Matty is hesitant to receive a colonoscopy due to a painful memory from his Vietnam days. However, he quickly realizes that having Blaire around makes him more comfortable.

* * *

[Norah Jones’ “Everybody Needs a Best Friend”]

♪ ♪

* My words are lazy ♪

♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing I’m sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪

♪ I’m happy I’m yours ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

The other night I was out at a basketball game with my whole family.

Right.

And I only asked this guy in front of me to just sit down a bit so I could see, and he beat me unmercifully. He beat me very badly and my hairpiece fell off.

[laughter]

And it was awful, because when he beat me, my teeth were also in my hairpiece.

[laughter]

Oh, man. The Jerky Boys are like the greatest living comedy geniuses.

I know. It’s like the telephone was just sitting there for 100 years and it took these two guys–

Both: To figure out what it was for.

See, yeah, you understand. You understand.

All right. I gotta take a leak. Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck. Clive, 2 o’clock. He follows you in there, you’re a dead man.

This is bad. I really got to go. You saw me down that Capri Sun at lunch.

I know. You were sucking that straw like it promised you a modeling contract. But Johnny, you got to hold it.

It’s not safe to hold your pee.

You got to do it, man. Just think about baseball.

That’s not how it works.

Think about your dad coming out of the bedroom naked on a weekend.

What the fuck?

With his hog hanging out of his robe waving like a bat sleeping through an earthquake.

Shut the fuck up, all right? Just follow me in there and stand guard.

All right.

[sneaky music]

♪ ♪

All right, go on, get to peeing.

All right, just watch the door.

OK.

Shit.

Go on, hurry up.

I can’t, all right? There’s another guy in here and I’m pee shy.

Jesus Christ. Hey dude, do you mind? My buddy’s self-conscious.

Yeah, I thought he might be having some trouble when I didn’t hear anything. I just want you to know, you take all the time you need to. I won’t judge.

Oh, here we go. Thank you.

That is all the thanks I need.

[urinal whooshes]

Wait. Jesus?

All right. It’s OK. Everything’s going to be OK.

Oh shit, he’s here. Wrap it up.

That’s not how it works.

Hey, look who’s here. It’s Bennett. And he’s got his little boyfriend with him.

[laughter]

All right, Clive, what if I am his boyfriend? What if we are having an affair? I can satisfy him in a way you never could.

Oof!

Better be careful, Bennett. You wouldn’t want to slip!

Yeah.

Nice going, Bennett.

Pee much?

[laughter]

Why don’t you go ask your mother’s face? Oh Jesus, I am so sorry. That was so over the line.

What the fuck, dude? That’s sick.

It was out of my mouth before I knew what it was. Kind of like your mother. Oh, my God, what is wrong with me? I am so sorry. I deserve what’s about to happen to me.

Yeah, no shit.

[laughter]

Drink up, asshole. Oh shit.

Wait, no, not the toilet.

I’m not supposed to get wet. It said so on my tag!

[toilet flushing]

[laughter]

Teddy. Teddy?

Well, the joke’s on us, Johnny.Pipes don’t go anywhere. The kids are just flushing them back and forth all day. Yuck.


If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.

[adventurous music]

♪ ♪

I’ve seen this episode before. It’s a good one.

How can you watch that shit? It’s just car chases and blowing stuff up.

Why did you just say two good things as if they’re two bad things?

Give us a break, Blaire. Jesus. We had a hard day. And this show is very educational. We’re learning about the struggles of Vietnam veterans and how to turn a wood chipper into a cannon that shoots cabbages.

Matty, Dr. Frankel called when you were at work today. He says you’re overdue for a colonoscopy.

Yeah, I’m not getting one of those.

He says it’s important.

That guy’s a quack.

No, he’s not. He’s very smart.

Not all Jewish doctors are smart, Susan. That’s one of those stereotypes.

Wow. Even when you’re technically on the right side, you still find a way to ruin it.

What? I just said they’re not all smart. Some of them Hebrews are just in it for the money.

That is beyond fucking offensive.

Sorry. Hebrews and Shebrews.

Honey, it’s a routine test. You’re sedated the whole time. It wasn’t so bad when I did it.

What? When the hell did you have a colonoscopy?

Last year when I was having my tummy troubles.

Where was I?

You drove me.

No, I didn’t.

Well, I had you drop me off across the street at the mall. I didn’t want to worry you. And plus you needed undershirts, and Jordan Marsh was having a sale.

This is hilarious. You’re afraid of a procedure Aunt Sue’s got done without even telling you.

I don’t remember picking you up.

I walked home.

She walked home.

It’s just a couple of miles. Couldn’t feel my legs anyway, so it didn’t matter if my pumps got slushy.

Well, Matty, it’s your move.

My move is I’m getting a beer.

My results were negative. Oh gosh, he seems so worried.

Man, I wish the A-Team was real. That way we could hire him to beat the shit out of Clive.

Who’s Clive?

This fucking goon at school who picks on us.

Is that Muriel’s son Clive?

I don’t know, is Muriel’s son a sadistic steroid bully with a pee fetish?

Oh, that poor boy. He doesn’t have a father, you know.

Huh?

Oh yeah, he walked out on Muriel before Clive was even born. It’s probably why he’s so unhappy.

It’s a classic defense mechanism. Hurt people hurt people.

Wait, wait, wait, are you saying Clive is a bastard child?

His mother is so sweet. Must be hard.

Johnny, we have been blessed with information we can weaponize.

What do you mean?

What would the Jerky Boys do?

All right, found it. 555-3816.

[keypad beeping]

Oh, we are going to fuck this guy’s head up so bad.

[line trilling]

Hello?

Clive, this is your father.

What?

I’m your father. I abandoned you when you were a baby. Sorry about that. I had a rough day.

Dad, is this really you?

Yes, Clive. This is so totally fucking your dad.

[laughs] Dad, I knew you’d call someday. Mom said you wouldn’t, but I just knew it. Where are you? I mean, can I meet you?

Holy shit, he wants to meet. This is fucking classic.

What do I say?

Say yes. Tell him to meet you at Friendly’s tomorrow.

Yeah, sure, be at Friendly’s tomorrow after school. And wear a sailor suit.

A sailor suit?

Yeah, I spent some time in the Navy, so it’s sentimental for me, you know. I fought in the war.

Whoa. Which one?

You got that right, my friend. I don’t like talking about it though, especially in specifics.

Man, that’s so cool.

And I mean a real sailor suit, all right? Like the kid on the Cracker Jack box.

But where do I get a sailor suit?

You back talking me? See, this smart mouth attitude is exactly why I left.

Sorry. No, I’m sorry, Dad. No, I’ll do it. I promise.

That’s more like it.

Tell him to say ahoy.

Oh yeah, and say ahoy to people when you get there.

OK. Dad, I can’t wait to meet you.

Yeah, get those hopes sky high, buddy.

I love you–

Oh, my God, that was fucking amazing.

That was great.

Well, we got to be there when he shows up.

Totally. Wait, wait, no, no, we can’t. He’ll see us and he’ll kick our asses.

No, he won’t.

This was good. This was a good plan.

OK, now as far as anyone knows, we’re two ad executives on a business trip from Hartford looking for some local talent. Right.

Hey, keep these milkshakes coming, huh?

Sure thing.

You know, we’re celebrating. Just landed a big account. Bounty. It’s a very famous paper towel.

Yep. I use them every day.

Oh, terrific. Well, you know, originally the slogan was supposed to be the “quicker picker upper,” but we added the word “thicker quicker picker upper.” Bought a summer house with that one adjective.

Congratulations.

Yeah. My wife’s miles away, even when we’re in the same room.

You know, she hasn’t let me touch her since the miscarriage.

I’ll be back with your Fribbles.

The fuck was that?

What do you mean? I’m just rolling with the area.

That was fucking sad, dude.

Oh, forgive me for trying to add a little gravity into the backstory, all right? I mean, why are we traveling?

Gravity? I want to slit my wrist.

So you get to be Mr. Thicker Picker Upper and I got nothing to work with over here?

Sorry, did you want sprinkles?

We picked out a name. The room was painted.

Calm down.

No, no, that’s what everyone says. I get to grieve.

[doorbell jingles] Oh, my God, look.

Ahoy.

Holy shit. He fucking wore it.

Yeah. Fix your kerchief.

There you go. Now you’re a proper seaman.

All right. You ready?

Yep. I’m going in. Oh, maybe don’t talk to the waitress while I’m gone.

Just fucking go.

[phone ringing]

Good afternoon, Friendly’s.

Yeah, hi. I need you to deliver a message to one of your customers. Dumb looking guy dressed like an idiot.

Sir, this is Friendly’s. Can you be more specific?

The kid in the sailor suit. This is his dad. I got a message for him.

I have a message for you from your dad. He says he’s not coming because you’re a disappointment to him and he’s glad he left, and he likes his adopted Korean kids better. Sorry.

[sobbing]

[doorbell jingles]

[continues sobbing]

[wailing]

Man, this is way sadder than the miscarriage.

His name was going to be Lawrence.


[mellow music]

♪ ♪

You know, I still feel really shitty about yesterday.

Yeah, me too.

It’s almost like Clive’s an actual human being, with a heart.

Well, you know, I’m sure it’s going to be fine.

Hey, did you guys hear? Clive tried to kill himself.

Holy shit.

He ate an entire bottle of Flintstones vitamins.

Even the Bettys.

Did he–did he say why he did it?

Who cares? I never felt more free. Now I can wear my Ace Of Base shirt without getting my ass kicked.

Shit, Teddy. What are we going to do?

It’s out of our hands. If he wants to wear the shirt, he’s going to wear the shirt.

No, no, I mean, this is our fault. If Clive wasn’t an idiot, he’d be dead right now.

All right. OK. You know what? We can fix this.

Nice shirt, queer.

Oh!

Hm, nature abhors a vacuum.

OK, you ready?

Yeah. Hang on. Hang on one sec. We got a boy’s heart in our hands here. I want to make sure I got my wits about me.

[inhales]

[coughs]

All right, I’m good. Call him.

[keypad beeping]

[line trilling]

Hello?

Hey Clive. It’s your dad. You done barfing up Bamm-Bamms?

Leave me alone.

Wait, wait, just hang on. Hang on. I want to apologize. I’m sorry about not showing up yesterday.

Then why did you do it? And why did you leave that message?

It was a test.

It was a test of your manhood. And you passed with flying colors.

You said you liked your adopted Korean kids better.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I don’t have them anymore.

You don’t?

No, it seemed like a cool idea at the time, but it was costing me a shitload, so I had to release them back into the wild. But that’s why you are so important to me, Clive. That’s why our relationship is so important.

Well then, can I meet you for real?

Yes. Eventually. Eventually. But right now, I’m kind of busy with work.

What do you do?

What do I do?

Ad exec trying to have kids?

Jesus, what the fuck is it with you with that–

I’m a soldier of fortune in the Los Angeles underground.

Whoa.

Yeah, me and these other crack commandos fight injustice from our van.

That’s so cool.

Yeah, if people have a problem and if no one else can help and if you can find us, maybe you can hire me and my friends. That’s kind of like our slogan.

Wow. My dad has a van.

Yeah, anyway, I’ll keep in touch and do good in school.

[scoffs] I suck at school. I have a math test tomorrow I’m probably going to fail.

Oh, come on. I bet you’re smarter at math than you think. Like OK, like, if a bully beats up 10 kids for their sexuality and 20% of them are in the choir so they get extra beatings, how many go to the hospital? Um, two.

Guess what, Mr. I Can’t? You just did math. I’ll talk to you later.

[keypad beeps]

I think we fixed it.

Yeah, I think so too.

I feel really good right now.

I feel so good.

We’re good people.

Yeah, if he kills himself now, it’s from other stuff.


[school bell ringing]

[chatter]

Why were these burgers just, like, sitting in a tray of water?

Yeah, I don’t know why they do that.

Yeah, every time it’s burger day, there they are, just sitting in water.

I don’t know. It seems normal. Have the guys over, water up some burgers, watch the game.

Hey, you know what’s weird?

What?

I’ve been, like, thinking about Clive.

Yeah, me too.

You have?

Yeah, like I’ve actually been wondering how he did on that test.

Me too. It’s fucked up, right? It’s like I actually give a shit about him.

Johnny, look.

I don’t know why he hangs out with those boys. They’re a bad influence.

I think Coach Johnson…

Holy shit. I think that’s his test. Wait, don’t look, don’t look, don’t look now.

What does it say?

I don’t know. There’s a grade on the front, but I can’t see it. We got to get a closer look.

That sounds really tough.

[chatter]

They know how to make corn and they don’t touch it.

What the fuck do you want, Bennett?

Nothing. Nothing. You know, I’m just– I’m just–I’m just walking around. You know how I be.

Yeah?

[laughter]

Eat a dick, asshole.

C+.

[gasps] He passed.

He passed.

Oh, my God, I knew he could do it. Great job, buddy.

Our little genius.


♪ ♪

Matty, you can’t keep putting it off.

Yes, I can. It’s my body.

But the doctor said–

I don’t care what the doctor says. I’m not doing it. If you ask me one more time, I’m going to stay at a motel.

Matty, why are you so resistant to a colonoscopy?

Oh Christ, not you too.

Look, I know it’s scary to think about what they might find, but early detection is–

You think I’m worried about cancer? You get cancer, you don’t have to pay taxes.

I don’t think that’s true.

Not if liberals have their way. All I’m saying is, get your cancer now.

Look, cut the shit and just tell me the truth. Why won’t you get the colonoscopy?

When they put you under, you’re not in control. All right? You can say some shit and not even remember it. I don’t want to say stuff.

Jesus. There’s things you’re not saying?

I just–I don’t want anybody to find out my secrets.

What secrets?

I got secrets.

OK, well, what the fuck do you care what some doctor thinks of them?

Doctors talk. This is a small town. I don’t want to ruin my reputation.

You’re banned from Dunkin’ Donuts. Listen to me. You got to do this. OK? You catch colon cancer too late, you’re dead. You’d be leaving John and Suze on their own. You really want to do that?

All right. I’ll go in there.

Great.

But you got to go with me.

To your colonoscopy?

Yeah.

Why?

Because when they drug me up, if I start saying anything about Vietnam, you got to make a lot of noise.

Why? What happened in Viet–

La, la, la, la, la, la, la! Like that. You got it?

Mm-mm.

No, you don’t. Let’s practice. It’s me. Here’s the doctor. Hey Doc, this one time in Vietnam– right, that’s you.

La, la, la, la.

No, you got to be louder and faster. Come on. Again. One time in Vietnam, Doc–

La, la, la, la, la.

Keep going. One time in Vietnam. Louder. One time in Vietnam. Keep going. Keep going. I’m fucking trying. There was this one time in Vietnam. Keep going. I’m about to spill my secrets!

What is going on in here?

I’ll get the colonoscopy.

You will? Oh, thank God.

[laughs]

Oh, I feel like it’s Christmas.

I just want this family to know that from here on out, I’m going for full-on alcoholism.


Hey, am I crazy? I kind of want to call Clive and tell him he did good.

I know. Me too. I mean, he obviously studied so hard for that test.

Yeah, he should know his dad’s proud of him.

Yeah. But, but, but, do we want to send the message that all we care about is grades?

Well, I mean, he can’t live up to our expectations if we don’t set any.

Yeah, but I want him to do well for him, not for us.

Let’s just call him.

OK.

[keypad beeping]

[line trilling]

Hello?

Hey Clive. It’s your dad.

Dad. Hey, guess what? I totally aced that test. I got a C+.

Well, how about that? Good for you, champ. That’s great. That’s not really ace, but wow, good job.

Hey, I know you’re busy and all, but my birthday’s coming up on Saturday and I was wondering if maybe I could see you.

Ah, yeah, sorry pal, I got a work thing.

I just wish I could meet you just once.

I know. Me too. But it’s an important mission. We found a terrorist base under the roller rink, so we’re going undercover as coke dealers. And if we find love along the way, we’ll take it.

Oh.

But hey, maybe next year, huh?

Yeah, sure.

And great job on that test. All right, I’ll talk to you later.

Bye, Dad.

[line clicks]

Man, I feel really bad letting him down again.

Yeah, we got to make it up to him. You know what? His dad needs to send him a really great birthday gift.


[bright music]

♪ ♪

Oh, what about this? Sega Genesis.

Yeah, I don’t know.

Why not?

I’m just worried he’s going to spend all day in his room instead of playing outside. What about a baseball glove?

He doesn’t like playing sports.

Well, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t encourage it.

Baseball’s your dream, not his.

Oh, my fucking God.

Look, it’s his 17th birthday. He’ll be an adult soon. We don’t have many of these left.

I just feel like you’re always trying to spoil him. You know, you can’t buy his affections.

I am not trying to buy his-

Yes, you are. You’re trying to buy his affections because you’re never at home.

You’re too strict with him. You always have been.

Well, somebody has to be the bad cop. And frankly, I feel like it’s shitty of you to always dump that on me. You know what? None of this shit matters anyway, because we only got 20 bucks.

Oh yeah, you’re right. What are we going to do?

Where’s the menswear? OK, that’s good. Get ready.

OK, now turn right. This is so fucking stupid. Why don’t I just wear the coat myself?

Extra height, Johnny. When you’re tall, people assume you’re in charge. Hey, why don’t you go ahead and take the rest of the day off?

Wow, thank you, tall supervisor.

See?

OK, which way am I going?

All right, straight for a bit then you’re going to turn.

Talk louder. Your feet are blocking my ears.

Hard left, hard left, hard left!

Jesus. What the fuck was that?

Go straight. Just go straight.

Well, fucking tell me when I’m going to bump into something–fucking A!

Watch out!

C’mon, you got to warn me.

OK, it’s good. It’s good.

We’re good for a minute.

My head hurts.

Oh, this is going to be a problem.

Fuck, shit. The fuck is that?

Don’t go that way.

Can I turn around?

Oh shit. [overlapping shouting]

Sideways. Which sideways?

Go sideways. [both yelp]

Excellent work. You can take your lunch now.


Look, we weren’t even stealing it for us. OK? We were stealing it for a kid who doesn’t have a dad. And that’s not even really shoplifting, right?

[scoffs] Nice try. You boys are in big time trouble. I’m going to need your parents’ phone numbers. My parents are out of town.

I don’t have parents on account of I’m a Teddy bear that came alive.

All right, look, it’s really important to us that we help this kid, OK? Haven’t you ever had something that was just really, really important to you, something that you’d do anything to make happen? Like maybe you wanted to be the best security guard in Boston.

[scoffs] No. No, I never wanted to be a security guard. I really wanted to be an actor.

Oh wow. Oh, this just got so much worse.

Acting is my real passion. When I was in my 20s, I did this community theater production on “Pippin.” And when the show ended, I found out that John Rubinstein was in the audience.

Oh, my God.

Oh wow.

Who was, of course, the original Pippin.

I was about to say. That’s the guy.

That’s the guy.

Fucking God damn right he was.

And he actually came backstage after the show and he walked up to me and I can still see his face and he said, I really enjoyed the show. You were all wonderful.

I was like, oh, my God, what a moment.

Amazing.

I mean, it’s amazing just even hearing it.

I wasn’t there, but just hearing you talk about it.

Yeah, it was him in the flesh. And to have the kindness to say, because obviously I was Pippin.

Of course. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean you, Burt, are not going to do “Pippin” if you’re not Pippin.

To have the kindness to say, you are all wonderful. Because you see, the rest of the cast was right there with me. So he couldn’t really single me out because that would have been dismissive to them.

Oh yeah. You can’t do that. Sure, sure, sure.

But he gave me a look. John Rubinstein gave me a look and that look said, you are on the stairway to stardom.

Oh, good Christ. Wow, wow.

That’s what I said too.

Well, I guess life had other plans for me. But that’s OK.

♪ Everything has its season ♪

♪ Everything has its time ♪

♪ Show me a reason ♪

♪ And I’ll soon show you a rhyme ♪

♪ Cats fit on the windowsill ♪

♪ Children fit in the snow ♪

♪ So why do I feel like I don’t fit in ♪

♪ Anywhere I go ♪

Oh, sorry. Wow. Wow, that felt fucking great. Right?

Yeah.

Wow.

Was that a moment just then we had?

Wait, that was a moment? That was a real–

I think it was. I couldn’t even hear you.

Someone was playing the original cast recording of “Pippin.”

It’s like a rope connected us that only we saw the rope.

All three of us. All three of us. We are one.

Tighter and tighter…

We were one organism in that moment.

My feet are tingling. Wow.

1,000 wows and more wows on top of that.

I feel like this was time well spent.

Yeah, we got a lot accomplished.

Was it not?

Both: Yeah.

You guys-you guys can go ahead.

We’re good to go, right?

Absolutely.

Thank you. Thank you, man.

Really appreciate it.

This was wonderful.

Yeah.

We’re all going to go our separate ways, but we’ll take a piece of today with us.

Thanks for letting me sing.

Jesus, that was a fucking nightmare.

You are telling me, Johnny. This has got to stop.

I know. It’s gotten out of control. I mean, I care about what happens to Clive, but we’re acting like fucking lunatics.

Raising Clive is not our responsibility. We got to tell him the truth.

[PA system chimes]

♪ Everything has its season ♪

♪ Everything has its time ♪

♪ We’ve got a very big sale on aisle nine ♪

It might be time to go.

♪ Cats fit on the windowsill ♪

♪ Children fit in the snow ♪


♪ ♪

I don’t like this. This was a bad idea.

Will you fucking relax? It’s going to be fine.

You hear the word Vietnam, you yell like the place is burning down. Do you understand me?

Yes. Jesus Christ. Calm down.

Good morning, Mr. Bennett. We are all set to begin your procedure.

Yeah, listen, this is my niece. She’s going to be with me in the room there.

Oh, I’m afraid that’s not allowed.

What do you fucking mean?

It’s against hospital policy.

No, no, no, no. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You don’t understand. She’s always with me for every colonoscopy, right?

Yes. I love watching and it’s my half-birthday today, so treating myself. [chuckles]

Well, that’s interesting, but it’s medical staff only. I really am sorry.

Give us a minute, OK?

Get under the gurney.

What?

Hide under the gurney.

I am not doing that.

Blaire, you got to be in the room in case I talk.

Matty, these people don’t care about your stupid goddamn secret, OK? They’re professionals. They’ve heard everything.

I don’t trust them. You don’t become a butt doctor unless you’re into some really weird shit. Some of these guys, it’s sexual for them.

This is not sexual for them.

I’ll give you $300.

Seriously?

You’re always whining about how expensive your textbooks are. 300 bucks.

You have lost your fucking mind.

Dr. Fisher to OR prep room three. Dr. Fisher, OR prep room three.

♪ ♪

All right, Mr. Bennett, I need you to count backward from 100.

100, 99, 98…

All right, he’s out.

[laughing] OK. Wow. What a weirdo. Guy wanted his niece to come in here with him.

Oh, I heard that. That’s bizarre.

Absolutely.

Let’s see what he’s working with here.

[all yelling and laughing]

Oh, my God.

Damn, look at that! Hair on the tip. That’s a new one.

Yuck. His poor wife, huh?

I was just thinking that.

Guys, I got to be honest. This is sexual for me.


♪ ♪

Look, we just got to tell him the truth.

You know he’s going to kick our asses.

Look, the key to not getting hurt in a fight is staying loose, like a drunk guy in an accident. That’s why the Kennedys are always fine after they fuck up their cars.

Oh, hey Clive, can we–can we talk to you for a second?

What do you two fucknuts want?

Look, there’s no easy way to say this, but, um, it’s about your dad.

What about my dad?

Um, your dad, uh, invited us to your birthday party. And he said he’s going to be there too and we just wanted to say we are so excited just to be part of it.

What are you talking about? I’m not having a party. He said he wasn’t going to be around.

That’s because it’s a surprise.

Yeah.

Oh no, I spoiled it!

Oh, Teddy, oh!

We weren’t supposed to say anything.

Fuck.

I knew it. I knew he’d show up. Oh, it’s probably going to be huge if even you two losers are invited. Hell yeah.

[laughter]

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I know, but did you see the look in his eye? He’s like fucking Charles Manson.

What the fuck are we supposed to do now? He thinks his dad’s showing up.

I don’t know. We find somebody to be his dad.

Well, fucking who?

I don’t know. We find an actor or something.

Ah, shit.


♪ ♪

All right, we got balloons, a cake. Do you think he’s too old for a piñata?

Yeah, I don’t think we want to put a bat in his hands, Johnny.

Oh yeah, good call.

Oh. How did it go?

It was a living nightmare.

Matty, how you feeling?

Doc says I’m clean as a whistle. Nothing to worry about.

That’s not all the doctor said.

What do you mean?

It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard.

Blaire, what happened?

Matty made me go into the operating room with him, so–

Blaire, what the hell?

To shut him up if the drugs made him say some shit about Vietnam.

You’re not getting those 300 bucks!

I don’t care. This has to end. Nothing is worth what I went through today. Do you know where they put the wand when they’re done with it? I do.

What secret? What is she talking about?

Forget it, Susan.

No, Matty, this is insane.

You have to talk about it and move on, because I am not fucking doing that again in five years.

Just drop it!

What’d you do? Desert your platoon? Go AWOL? Did you accidentally shoot Bob Hope? What?

I wish. I could live with that.

Whatever it is, I’m sure we’ll understand.

No, you won’t. This was war.

For Christ’s sake, Matty, we’re your family. Just fucking tell us.

I jacked off a dog!

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

You guys said you’d understand.

That was before we knew how fucked up it was.

You’ve never been to war. Things happen.

Not that. No. Why the fuck would you jack off a dog?

Whose dog was it?

My platoon was camped in the jungle about two clicks south of the Do Lung Bridge. Our dog Scout was with us… [chuckles] Chewing on some dinner scraps. My buddy Donny and I were about to start the night watch when we noticed… Scout had an erection.

Well, you were very handsome back then.

Just let me do this, Susan. We waited for it to go away on its own, but it didn’t. It was obviously stuck. Now, that could be dangerous for a dog, especially in the jungle-it gets infected. He could have died. We didn’t have a medic with us. I had to do something. I tried to ease it back in, but it popped out. So I tried again. No good. Time was running out. Let me tell you, that dog had sniffed out more landmines than I could count. He had saved all of our lives, so I had to keep trying. And that’s when it happened. He made a noise like a bark, but happier. Then he went back to his food. Donny and I didn’t make eye contact for the rest of the war. … For God’s sake, somebody say something.

You soldiers gave so much.

I-I think you did the right thing. Very heroic.

Yeah. Great job, Dad.

You did it there so we didn’t have to do it here.

Stand down, soldier.


♪ ♪

[radio channels tuning]

All right, testing, testing, one, two, three.

Yeah, I can hear you. Oh, that’s neat.

Yeah, I paid off a techie at school. Just remember to keep the other one on so we can hear you and Clive.

OK, so we’re going to be feeding you what to say as we go along, and if there’s–

Right, right. If you could not give me specific line readings, that would be great.

What?

Yeah, just, you know, tell me what you want to communicate and then I will interpret it as an actor.

You know, I was going to get a coffee cart for the set, but now forget it.

Oh, tell me something. Where am I coming from?

Huh?

Like just before I meet Clive, where was I?

You were right fucking here talking to us.

No, no, no. No, not me. The character. Where was the character? It’ll affect how I play the scene.

He was playing Pippin on Broadway.

No, no. He was at home, grieving over his wife’s miscarriage.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I like that. You’re good. You should get into the business.

The fuck is wrong with you?

What? We’ll get one like this and then we’ll try it your way. All right? Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah, in case anyone else needs a drink too. What the hell are you talking about, Derek?

Clive?

Dad? Is that you?

It’s me, son. I’ve returned. [chuckles]

Oh, Dad, I can’t believe it’s really you.

OK, that’s good. Now tell him you can’t stay. You’ve got an important mission back in LA. There’s a sniper trying to take out the world’s top surfers in Malibu.

I can’t stay long. My wife and I have suffered a personal tragedy and she needs me at home.

See? It plays great.

Shut up.

I have a stepmom? What’s her name?

Catherine. She’s a widowed farm owner and she’s hired me as a farmhand at her estate.

Is that-Is he– Is that “Pippin?” He’s doing “Pippin.” Is he fucking doing “Pippin?” He’s fucking doing “Pippin.”

God damn it, no “Pippin!”

But I thought you were a soldier of fortune.

You’re blowing this, you motherfucker.

♪ Sitting on the floor and talking till dawn ♪

♪ Candles and confidences ♪

Clive’s going to beat the shit out of him.

♪ Trading old beliefs and humming old songs ♪

[laughs]

Clive.

Mom.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

What’s going on? What is all this?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Jeff Driscoll’s mother told me you’re having a party out here in the park. Why didn’t you tell me?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Mom, look. Dad’s here.

Abort, abort, get the fuck out of there.

What are you talking about? That’s not your dad.

Say that’s not your mother.

I hate giving other actors notes, but I feel like you’ve come in so hot, you’re not giving yourself anywhere to go.

Who the hell are you?

OK. I can’t work like this. Let me guess, she’s the producer’s girlfriend. Bullshit.

Hang on, Mom, I’ll be back.

That was a good note I gave her too.

Hey.

I’m in way over the top.

Hey. What the fuck is going on here? Are you not really my dad?

No. These two guys paid me to come here and play your father. But let me tell you something. This is the most shoddy, disorganized production I have ever been a part of. John Rubinstein would never stand for this, and neither will I.

Oh, fucking cock fuck.

Is this some kind of fucking joke?

Oh, shit.

Oh God, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on.

Clive, Clive, just listen. OK?

You motherfucker! You think you can fuck with my head and live? I am about to beat the face off of you. You’re dead, both of you. You’re fucking dead.

Ah!

Clive, Clive, just wait one minute, all right? Before you kill us, just hear us out. Look, I’m sorry we lied and said we were your dad. But think about it. What is a dad? It’s someone who believes in you, someone who roots for you to do your best, and who’s proud of you when you work hard and you win.

We did that.

What do you mean?

We told you you could pass that math test and you did it. Didn’t that feel good? And when you got that B-, I mean, what an improvement. We were there pulling for you. We were encouraging you to reach your full potential.

We did all that. And didn’t it feel good? Didn’t you feel good about yourself?

Yeah, I-I did.

You’ve really turned things around. Your grades are better. You’re smiling more.

I am?

All the guys in woodshop are saying so.

I’ve been thinking about taking guitar lessons.

You hear that? He’s thinking about taking guitar lessons.

Well, that’s fantastic.

Hey, we’re going to be at every recital.

Really?

Absolutely. We are not going anywhere.

Bring it in here.

[crying]

We are so fucking proud of you, buddy.

There you go. Oh, OK, easy there. Easy there, Lenny. Don’t kill the rabbit. OK. Hey, what do you say we have some cake?

Yeah.

And something healthy.

All right, don’t undermine me in front of him.

Come on, let’s go.

[laughs]

♪ And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪

♪ Little boy blue and the man on the moon ♪

I think we should try for another.

♪ But we’ll get together then ♪

♪ You know we’ll have a good time then ♪

[Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle”]

♪ ♪

♪ My son turned ten just the other day ♪

♪ He said thanks for the ball, Dad ♪

♪ Come on, let’s play ♪

♪ Can you teach me to throw ♪

♪ I said, not today ♪

♪ I got a lot to do ♪

♪ He said, that’s OK ♪

♪ And he walked away ♪

♪ But his smile never dimmed ♪

♪ And said, I’m going to be like him ♪

♪ Yeah, you know I’m going to be like him ♪

♪ And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪

♪ Little boy blue and the man on the moon ♪

♪ When you coming home, Dad ♪

♪ I don’t know when ♪

♪ But we’ll get together then ♪

♪ You know we’ll have a good time then ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Well, he came from college just the other day ♪

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