Ted Lasso – S04E01 – Home – Transcript

Ted Lasso
Season 4 – Episode 1
Episode title: Home
Original release date: August 5, 2026

Plot: A couple of years after leaving AFC Richmond, Ted is still living in Kansas City and co-parenting with Michelle but his life is in a weird place as Henry is graduating elementary school, Michelle is facing stress at work and Dottie is selling Ted’s childhood home. He is surprised by a visit from Rebecca, Keeley and Higgins, who offer him the head coaching job for Richmond’s women’s team, which Rebecca and Higgins are secretly having financial troubles with. Ted promises to think it over. During the visit, Rebecca discovers a fondness for Kansas City barbecue but ruins all of her outfits with the sauce, forcing her to buy an overly bedazzled outfit from a local boutique. Higgins, unable to visit the American Jazz Museum due to a private event, instead visits the Negro League Baseball Museum and is inspired by the career of Satchel Paige. Keeley’s belief in the women’s team is further inspired by a visit to CPKC Stadium as they watch a Kansas City Current game. After Rebecca, Keeley and Higgins board their flight back to London, Ted returns home and reflects on his time at Richmond. He texts Michelle and Henry and asks how they would feel about the family moving to London. They agree that it would be a good idea.

* * *

Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[beeping]

[Ted hums]

[announcer on PA] Amy, could you please come to the seafood department? Amy to the seafood department.

[vocalizes]

[Ted] Okay, we got eight cans of cat food, eight packs of smokes, and one coconut water.

[scoffs]

[Ted] Are you sure you need all them cigarettes, Ms. Halpern?

Don’t you worry, Teddy. If I die, the cats know what to do.

[Ted] [chuckles] Okay. Total’s 94.09.

Hmm. [grunts]

[Ms. Halpern] Eight, nine. Keep the change.

[Ted] I appreciate it.

And give your mom a squeeze for me.

[Ted] Oh. Yeah, will do.

Here you go, ma’am.

Thank you.

Of course.

Hey, Ted.

[Ted] Hmm?

Can I go on break?

[Ted] Yeah. Go nuts, man.

[PA chimes]

[announcer] Price check needed on aisle seven.

[Ted] Hey, Vanessa. Can you cover me for a minute?

Hell, yeah. You do you, king.

[Ted] Thanks, m’lady.

Mm-hmm.

[Ted] [whoops] Oh, boy. [chuckling] Oh, oh, what a day. What a haul. Yeah. There we go. You ever have this stuff?

[stammers] No.

[Ted] Thirty seconds in the microwave, it’s as good as people food.

You steal all that?

[Ted] Heck yeah. Perks of the job. Am I right? Yeah. As a little boy, I saw the musical, Oliver. Then I saw Aladdin as a teenager. Both those things made stealing look so cool, I had to give it a shot. Now I’m addicted to it. Heck, I haven’t paid for razors in almost three years. I’ve saved 9,000 bucks.

Don’t you worry about getting caught?

[Ted] Actually, I don’t. Nope. Probably due to my deeply ingrained white male privilege.

Yeah.

[Ted] I mean, heck, I don’t even like licorice.

[announcer] Ted, please report to the manager’s desk. Ted to the manager’s desk.

[Ted] Oh, snap. Bet he saw us on the security cameras. Hey, do me a favor. Put all this junk back, a-as well as the cigarettes you took, and, uh, I’ll smooth things over with the boss. Cool?

Yeah, cool, cool. Okay.

[Ted] Hey, ’cause I can’t go back to prison.

[stammers]

[Ted] Hey, how you doing?

Hi there.

[baby coos]

I know.

Coach?

[Ted] Joe Conrad? [chuckles] 225 career tackles, 21 sacks, all-American, all-conference, and all-around good guy.

You forgot about that mule I stole from Central Missouri.

[Ted] I did, but a mule never forgets. [chuckles]

Thought that was elephants.

[Ted] Yeah, maybe. I can’t remember. How you been, man?

I’m great, Coach. I got married five years ago. Been working for my father-in-law. We just had our first baby, Jake.

[Ted] Oh, and here I am thinking this was just an elaborate fanny pack. Nice to meet you, Jake. How you doing? [chuckles]

What about you, Coach? I heard you were over in England coaching soccer or something.

[Ted] Yeah, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, and now I use it to wash my tires. [chuckles] No, came back home a couple of years ago to be with my little boy, Henry, who ain’t so little no more. I’m just making up for lost time. Making school lunches, playing lots of Fortnite together, trying to help him become the best version of himself.

Just like you did for all of us.

[Ted] That’s kind of you to say.

There you are. Jesus. I thought you ran off with the baby.

Sweetie, guess who this is.

The assistant manager.

This is Coach Lasso.

It is? You are?

[Ted] Yes, ma’am.

The man you refer to as–

The greatest role model of my life. Coach, this is my wife, Tabitha.

[Ted] Hey. Nice to meet you.

Hi. A-And you work… You work here?

[Ted] Yes, ma’am. Yeah, well, part-time. Though I use the employee discount full-time ’cause, let me tell you, it takes a buttload of PB&J Uncrustables to have enough energy to play video games all weekend.

[chuckles]

That is awesome.

[chuckles]

That is awesome, right, baby?

I am so confused right now.

[manager] Ted, manager’s desk now.

[Ted] Hmm. Uh-oh.

Urgent. I repeat, urgent!

[Ted] They’re playing my song. I gotta run. Really nice to meet you, Tabitha.

Yeah.

[Ted] You too, Jake. Joe, great to see you. Maybe I’ll see you on the Battle Bus soon, huh? Yeah.  All right now.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Baby, can I get a PlayStation?

[Ted] Hey, sorry about that, Ronnie. What’s up?

Oh, Michelle called. Sounds like Henry got in some kind of trouble at school, and y’all got to go and talk to the principal. [chuckles]

[Ted] Okay. You mind if I duck out early?

Sure. Hey. Hey, Vanessa, need you to cover for Ted this afternoon.

I got you, Daddy.

She’s high as a kite, but she’s never missed a day. Plus, the ex-wife hates her.

[Ted] Yeah, I bet. Okay, I’ll see you.

Hey, Ted, you want to tell me why I saw your ass stealing a bunch of shit on the security cameras?

[Ted] Oh, yeah, uh, sorry about that, but… [stammer] …don’t worry. Tyler set me straight. Won’t happen again, all right? See you next week.

[gentle music playing]

[Ted] Hi.

Hey.

[Ted] Sorry I’m late. I-I got here as quick as I could.

That’s okay.

[Ted] Did you get a haircut?

Oh. Yeah, a couple weeks ago.

[Ted] Oh. Looks nice.

Thanks.

[Ted] So, what’s going on?

I don’t know. They didn’t tell me anything. I don’t–

Yeah.

Oh, hi.

[door closes]

Thank you both so much for coming in on such short notice.

Of course.

Can I offer you some tea?

Uh, no, thank you.

[Ted] Hmm, yeah, I’d rather suck sweat from a horse butt…

Okay.

[Ted] I mean, no, thank you.

Mr. Casey, is everything okay with Henry?

[sighs] Uh… Henry will be graduating next week, but, here at Manning Elementary, we don’t like to pass on our problems. A teacher found some very disturbing, uh, poetry in the back of Henry’s notebook. And I quote… [clears throat] “I got a letter from the government the other day. I opened and read it. It said they were suckers.” Suckers is underlined.

[Ted] , wow. Okay.

Oh.

“They wanted me for their army or whatever. Picture me giving a damn, I said never.”

[clears throat]

Well, I give a damn.

Yeah.

[Ted] Mm-hmm.

I give a damn… very, very much.

[Ted] Mmm. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clearly.

[chuckles, clears throat]

Thanks. [chuckles]

[Ted] Boy, oh, boy, that was a whole lot of something about nothing. [chuckles]

How do you get to be a principal without knowing the lyrics of Public Enemy?

[Ted] I reckon most antiquated institutions ain’t too keen on encouraging folks to fight the power these days.

[chuckles]

Well, thank the Honorable Elijah Muhammad that Henry will be out of here in two weeks.

[Ted] Yeah, I think a change of scenery will be good for the little guy.

Yeah. [sighs]

[Ted] Mmm.

Okay, well, I better get back.

[Ted] Yeah. How’s work going, by the way?

It’s exhausting.

[Ted] Mm-hmm.

Derek put me on another bullshit faculty committee, and it’s eating up all my time, and I…

[coach] Ready, go! Good goal.

See you at the game tonight, Coach?

[Ted] Yeah, I’m sorry. Um… Yeah, no, I’ll see you tonight.

It’s okay. Okay.

Oh, hey, remember to charge his iPad. You hung me out to dry last time.

[Ted] The only thing at zero percent should be your doubt that it will be done.

Okay. [chuckles] Bye.

[Ted] All right.

[cheerful music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

[Keeley chuckles]

[vocalizes]

Oh… Did he not see us?

[Higgins] What? Uh…

[Higgins humming] Hmm.

Um.

[Keeley] Hmm.

Should we…

[Keeley] Uh…

[smacks lips] Yeah, maybe we… go in?

[Ted] What?

Oh.

[gasps] Oh.

Yes.

[Ted] Rebecca and Keeley in Kansas.

Ooh. [chuckles]

[Ted] Higgins in shorts. Oh, my.

I feel unleashed, Ted.

[Ted] Yeah. Get in here.

[shrieks]

[all laughing]

How’re y’all doing? What the heck?

[Ted] What a nice surprise.

Hi. [chuckles]

I did reach out several times actually.

[Ted] Oh, I’m sorry about that.

Hey, y’all hungry?

[gasps] Oh, I’m starving.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I could try that Kansas City barbecue you were always prattling on about.

[Ted] Oh, I know just the spot. Get ready for some good old-fashioned Midwestern hospitality.

[bell rings]

Hi, may I help you?

[all gasp]

[Ted] Oh, hey, sorry, Gwen, they’re from out of town.

Ted! [chuckles]

[both] Ted!

[Ted] Hey, fellas!

Now did you just come in here for a quick sniff, or do you want the usual?

[Ted] We’re going to do the usual times four, please.

You got it. Four president’s trays, please.

[both] Four president’s trays, please.

Aight.

Oh.

[Rebecca] Mmm.

[Higgins] Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Oh, shit.

[Ted] Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

[Ted] Battle wound. Your hero’s journey has now crossed the threshold.

[laughs] I love the food in Kansas.

[Ted] Yeah. Well, actually, we’re in Missouri right now. Kansas is just right across the street over there. It’s confusing. I know. Hey, let’s play a game. Everybody’s gotta say what they’ve been up to the last couple of years. You only get ten seconds, and you can’t say anything about work. All right? Higgins, go!

[mumbling]

[Ted] Oh. Caught you mid-rib. That’s my bad. I’ll tell you what, I’ll go first, okay. Uh, let’s see. Okay. I moved back home, loving life. Um, my mom’s moving out of my childhood home. That’s a whole thing.

Oh.

[Ted] And, uh, oh, Henry grew a foot. [stammers] Uh, you know, in height, not a third one.

[both] Mm-hmm.

[Ted] Yeah, all right, Higgins, you’re up.

[mumbling]

[Ted] Oh. Yeah, savoring every bite. I love that. All right, keep cooking. Quick pivot. Keeley, what do you got?

Oh, uh, designed new uniforms for the women’s team.

No, but that’s work.

No, that’s work. Shit. Uh, ooh, just landed a sponsor–

That’s work as well.

Damn it. Yes, all right, Higgins. Barbara and I just booked a spa weekend.

[Ted] There you go.

Yeah, for our annual work retreat. Fuck.

[Ted] Hey, darn good try.

Oh, my God. Hmm.

[Ted] And what about you and Roy? How y’all doing?

Yeah, we’re great. Just really, really good friends.

[Ted] Mmm. How about that? Is that how Roy sees it too?

Mm-hmm. Mmm. Mm-hmm.

[Ted] Mmm. Okay. Yeah, no, that’s complicated. Okay. All right. Rebecca, your turn. Come on.

Uh, Matthijs and I are happily still in our honeymoon period thanks to, you know, distance, and Zoom sex.

[Ted] Mm-hmm.

Uh, oh, I finally watched Breaking Bad. Hilarious. And, uh… Uh…

[Ted] Come on, three seconds.

I’ve recently switched my favorite color to green.

[Ted] Mmm, and I envy your ability to change.

Thank you.

Oi, did that really happen?

I don’t know. I panicked.

Oh.

[Ted] All right, Higgly Wiggly. Come on, your time to shine, baby.

Oh, oh, okay. Uh, um, um, Julie gets more and more beautiful every day.

[both] Aw.

My son Dana gave himself a tattoo. We think it’s a taco or-or Australia, we-we’re not really sure.

Hmm?

Oh. We just got heated flooring in our bathroom at home. I’m obsessed.

[Ted] Oh, ain’t no better piggies than a bunch of warm little piggies, I say.

[laughs] Yep.

[Ted] Know what I mean? Yeah. All right. So, come on, talk to me. What the heck are y’all doing here, huh?

[Higgins] Uh, okay, for a few different reasons actually. I’m going to the American Jazz Museum tomorrow down on 18th and Vine. They’ve got Benny Goodman’s shoes, Ted.

[Ted] Hmm. Ooh.

And tomorrow afternoon, we’re all going to watch the KC Current football match.

[Ted] Hmm.

Check out their state-of-the-art facilities, do some research for Richmond’s new women’s team.

[Ted] Mmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Hmm.

[Ted] How about that? So, of all the ladies’ soccer joints, in all the towns, in all the world, y’all just happen to walk into mine, huh?

We want you to coach our women’s team. To lay the foundations of the Richmond culture that you created with our men.

[Ted] [scoffs] Hmm. Are you trying to sabotage this team now too, or something?

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[Rebecca] No, quite the opposite.

[chuckles]

Last time, I hired you for all the wrong reasons. This time, I absolutely want to hire you for all the right ones.

[Ted] Oh, man. Well, that’s… that’s a mighty kind offer, um… Let me sleep on it, yeah?

Oh. Of course.

[Ted] Thank you. Okay. Hey, look, I hate to oogie and boogie, but little guy’s gonna be home from school, so you mind if we skedaddle?

Absolutely.

[Ted] Okay. Great. Oh. And-and if y’all aren’t dealing with the jet lag later, come on and check out Henry’s soccer game.

Yeah, we’d love to.

Yeah.

Good, good, good.

Don’t you mean football, Ted?

[Ted] Uh, no, sir, we’re in America, my friend. We call it soccer, and I’ve got dollars in my pants, and we use elevators to go up to our apartments where we poop French fries into our diapers.

Hmm?

[Ted] [clicks tongue] I’ll grab this for y’all. Come on.

What is–

I don’t know. Come on.

[car hoots]

[Ted] [sighs]

[sighs]

[Ted] Hmm. [scoffs]

[Henry] Dad, I’m home.

[voice] So you can see I’ve got my stains ready to go. Press the tip onto the stain to release… I’m pressing… I’m… Oh, crap. I don’t know what happened.

[sighs]

Now it’s worse than before.

[ringing]

[Rebecca] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[ringing continues]

[breathes heavily]

Hello, you.

Hey… [speaks Dutch] How was your flight?

Uh, yeah. Good.

Complimenten the captain. You made great time, especially considering you were fighting the North American jet stream.

Oh, you know, I love it when you talk pilot to me.

Ah, you mean when I say stuff like, “Right now we are using maximum thrust to compensate for the headwind.”

Oh, you’re going to make me play with myself.

Hi, Rebecca.

Jelka! Hello!

Where are her friends, Papa? Why does she have to play by herself?

[speaks Dutch]

Aw. [sighs]

[speaks Dutch]

I’m so sorry. [chuckles]

[chuckles] No problem. But hey, how did it go? Did he say yes?

Uh, Ted, uh, no. Not yet. But he will. I think. I hope. [sighs] I don’t know.

[speaks Dutch]

Uh, “You can always give up tomorrow?”

Very good.

Thank you.

[knocks on door]

Oh, I’ve gotta go. That’s Higgins. You can tell by the syncopated time signature.

On your way back, I hope you’ll fly at a high altitude to reduce drag and take advantage of the tailwind. [kisses]

[sighs] Stop it.

[speaks Dutch]

[speaks Dutch]

Oh, what happened to you?

With the jet lag and all the pork, I fell asleep.

Mmm. That’s okay.

On the toilet.

[groans]

[sighs] Could I have some tea?

Mm-hmm.

All that’s left in my room is decaffeinated.

[groans]

[groans]

Did you hear the news?

What, about the new Hermès collection?

We have very different TikTok algorithms. No, the Twickenham FC women’s team has folded.

Oh.

[sighs] “A well-intentioned but unsustainable financial liability that was draining resources from the men’s team.” This is exactly what I’ve been worried about, Rebecca.

Right, yes, but it’ll be different for us… somehow.

Yes, we shall succeed where others have failed for some unknown reason out there, somewhere, somehow.

Well said, Leslie.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Regardless, I should let Keeley know.

Oh… No, I’ll do that.

[mutters]

I don’t like to squash her enthusiasm.

Mmm. I’m not sure that’s possible, but agreed. [yawns] Oh, and Alice Chilton has thrown her hat into the ring to manage the women’s team.

Coach Chilton? I don’t think she likes me very much.

Oh, it’s not you. She doesn’t like anyone.

Oh, wonderful. So if Ted says no and we can’t hire a growling Rottweiler, there’s always Alice Chilton waiting in the wings, growling even louder. Hmm. Thanks, Leslie.

Thank you. [yawns, groans]

[sighs]

Oh, fuck it!

[Ted] All right, before I put on any music, can you please remind me of our one and only rule about you listening to hip-hop?

I can hear all the words. I just can’t say all the words.

[Ted] And allow me to now add that you can’t write down any of the words either. You get it.

Yeah.

[Ted] Don’t worry. Your mom and I talked about it. We’re gonna let it slide, all right? But I will say, as a young fellow from a generation that is so acutely aware of keeping receipts, that was a fumble by you, man.

[chuckles]

[Ted] Never leave a paper trail. [clicks tongue]

Mm-hmm.

[Ted] Hey, by the way, you’re gonna have some special guests at your game today.

Really?

[Ted] Yeah, Rebecca, Keeley and Higgins are in town. Want to come watch you play. How about that?

Are they just here to watch me play?

[Ted] No, no. Actually, um, well, get this, they offered me a job. They want me to coach that new women’s team they got over there in Richmond.

Uh, are you gonna do it?

[Ted] Mmm, no. No way, man. No, I ain’t going nowhere. You’re stuck with me, buddy boy. [chuckles] All right, let’s get you in the zone. Here we go.

[“Can’t Truss It” playing]

♪ Bass in your face, not an eight track ♪

♪ Gettin’ it good to the wood ♪

♪ So the people give you Some of that reactin’ to the facts ♪

♪ That I kick and it stick And it stay around ♪

[whistle blows]

Come on, guys! Set the tone! Wake up!

My new condo is the perfect amount of space. It’s all seniors, but they don’t allow Fox News playing in any of the common areas. Plus, there’s a pickleball court.

Pickleball? What’s that?

Oh, it’s like tiny tennis, only much louder and you’re not allowed to move.

Oh, that’ll be right up your street. Leslie!

[gasps] No, I didn’t!

Oh, here we go, here we go.

Henry!

[Ted] Nice move, Henry. There you go.

[crowd cheering]

Nice, Henry!

Come on!

[Ted] Attaboy! [chuckles]

[Keeley] Whoo!

Whoo!

He is so fast!

Oh, Dottie, thanks for letting us sit on your, uh… Wait, what are they called again?

It’s called a Tush-Cush.

Tush-Cush.

No need to thank me. I’m not having anyone in my family parking their buns on this hard metal bench.

It really is very comfortable.

Yeah, everything in Kansas is really cushy.

No, actually, we’re in Missouri now. Kansas City, Missouri.

Oh.

How many cities are in this city?

[Dottie, Ted, Michelle] Two.

What?

They offered you a job, didn’t they?

[Ted] They want me to coach the women’s team.

That’s amazing.

[Ted] I’m not gonna do it.

Why?

[Ted] What do you mean, why?

Ted, do you want to take that job?

[Ted] No.

Oklahoma.

[Ted] I don’t know.

All right, Henry! Let’s go, baby!

Henry, I’m open! I’m open!

[groans]

[whistle blows]

[groans] Don’t gamble, Lasso! Make the easy pass. You hear me?

[grunts]

Besler, get in for Lasso.

[whistle blows]

[coach] All right, Henry, you’re out.

[whistle blows]

What, are you out of your mind? He’s the best player on your team!

[Ted] Mom, Mom, Mom. You keep yelling like that, they’re gonna make you watch from the car again.

Have a seat, Mbappé.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Ted, why aren’t you coaching Henry’s team?

[Ted] Oh, I kind of realized that coaches and dads sometimes have conflicting jobs.

Hmm.

[sighs]

[scoffs]

[Ted] There you go, big guy. Hey, great game.

Wish I got to play in it.

Oh, come on. You were too good. They had to take you out.

Kids. They’re kids, man.

[Ted] You know, if you want, I could always say something to Coach.

No, no. Don’t do that. Really, I… I’m fine.

[Ted] Okay. You got it. Um, have a good week, all right? I’ll see you on the Battle Bus. [chuckles]

[coach] All right, man. I’ll see you next week.

[Ted] Hey, Coach, you got a sec?

Not really, Ted.

[Ted] Hell, half of one then. Look, I really appreciate what you’re trying to teach Henry. Y’know, I used to have a player like him always playing in cursive when I just needed the young fella to play in print–

Ted. You’re a coach, so I know you get it.

[Ted] Uh, get what?

How annoying it can be when parents meddle in their kid’s business.

[Ted] Hmm, well, I’m not sure Tina Knowles would agree with you, but… [chuckles] …I hear what you’re saying. No, um… Hey, have a good night, Coach.

You too, Ted.

I love jet lag. It’s like fucking time travel. The Kansas City me is six hours ahead of the London me, and I’ve already worked out, eaten the biggest breakfast burrito I’ve ever seen in my life, worked out a second time, and returned all of my emails before the shops here are even open.

Well, could you send one of your time travel emails to yesterday me and tell her to wear a bib?

[chuckles]

Everything I own is covered in barbecue sauce.

Kansas looks good on you.

Uh, unless this is fucking Missouri.

Oh! A wishing fountain.

Oh. What?

Hold this.

Oh, you don’t really believe in… Of course you do.

[sighs]

[squeals]

Come on then, what did you wish for? How much is it gonna cost me?

[chuckles]

Hey, no littering.

What?

Oh, officer, I’m sorry–

Gotcha. [chuckles] Happy to know I still got it. Especially after my bullshit suspension. Have a fantastic day, ladies. [whistles]

You too. He was lovely, wasn’t he?

Oh, God, I couldn’t last here a week. Everyone’s too nice.

Mmm.

You know, when I got my coffee this morning, the barista tried to give me a hug. Can you imagine?

Ryan? Oh, he gives great hugs.

[sighs]

Did you know that him and his girlfriend just decided to open up their relationship?

Yes, I know. I know that his father went back to college. I know that his sister is bisexual. I know everything there is to know about Ryan. And I know that I wish Ryan and I just had a little more mystery between us. Wait, “dazzle me moi”?

[gasps]

Come on now.

Oh…

[“I Don’t Want to Know” playing]

[exclaims, grunts]

[pants] Oh, my God. Oh. Like disco balls for your feet. I hope they have the other one.

Yeah, that’s nice.

If it didn’t have all the bits and bobs on it. Who wears this shit?

Good morning, ladies.

Hi.

Hi, hello.

I’m Tammy Dineen. So let me know if you two life-size Barbie dolls need a hand with anything, okay?

Thank you.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[squeals]

[whispering] She didn’t hear me, did she?

[“Oh, Lady Be Good” playing]

[music continues]

Is this, uh… Oh. [clears throat] Ooh. Hi, um, excuse me. Will the jazz museum be opening shortly?

No, sir. It’s closed for a private event.

Oh.

The Abramowitz Bar Mitzvah. Rumor is the parents hired Janelle Monáe, Ariana Grande, and, uh, someone else real tiny.

Bruno Mars?

That’s the one.

Ah.

You can come in here if you want.

Uh. What’s this?

Uh, it’s a museum dedicated to Black baseball players.

Oh.

Yeah, it’s not for everyone.

Oh, no, no, no. I-I love Black people.

Hmm.

I mean, not all of them.

Hmm.

O-Only ’cause you can’t love all of anything, right? I-I mean, I-I just don’t know anything about baseball. It-It’s like cricket, right? ‘Cause you both use hard white balls. You know what, I mean, I’d love to. [chuckles]

That’d be ten dollars, please.

Yes, of course, I am so sorry. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

[Ted] [sighs]

Hey, uh, Dottie, the tag here says ten bucks. How about five? Huh?

Oh, boy. I brought that back from Italy, gosh, 30 years ago now. Handmade by a Vatican priest.

I got to have it. Here’s 20.

What?

Oh. [chuckles]

What are you doing? Babe, I was doing something. You gotta let me haggle.

[Ted] Mom, Michelle and I gave you that lamp five years ago for Mother’s Day.

Well, like the man once said, hardest part of sales is the lying.

[Ted] Here’s all that stuff Henry wanted to sell. Uh, he said he’ll only take 20%. You can have the rest.

Sweet kid. I’ll give him 12.

[Ted] I will let him know. All right, I should get going.

Oh… [stammers] …actually, will you price all this stuff before you go? Four bucks apiece.

[Ted] [sighs] All right, fine. Um… What… What the heck?

That can be yours for five dollars.

[Ted] Yeah, but I gave it to you.

Ten dollars. It was a gift from the head coach. Oh, uh, hey. Fun fact about this mixing bowl.

[Ted] [sighs]

And I know the women can’t have a team plane yet, but what about a team train? With an ice bath and massage tables for the team and a fancy caboose with a bar for the owner and her best mate.

Keeley, uh… There’s something I need to tell you.

[Tammy] Y’all doing okay?

I ju–

Yes, she’s just trying on the suit that you got for her.

Did I get your size right, Glamazon with pajamas on?

Uh, yes. I just… I’m just not sure it’s me.

Well, like I always say, wearing new clothes is like a vacation for your body.

Ooh, I like that.

[Tammy chuckles]

Come on, get on out here and show us what you got.

Yeah, come on, Rebecca. Let’s see.

[sighs, clicks teeth]

[Tammy] Mm-hmm.

[Keeley gasps]

[exclaims] Well, consider moi dazzled.

Oh, you look incredible.

Yeah, no, no, it’s-it’s, uh, quite nice.

[Tammy] Mmm.

Oh, I love this place. Is it all yours, Tammy?

Oh, yes, ma’am. I used the cash from my divorce settlement. Figured it’s about time to be my own boss. The only thing I didn’t consider was a goddamn recession. But luckily, a couple of summers ago, when Taylor Swift was performing in town, one of her backup singers, a wingless angel of color, she floated in, bought an outfit, posted it on her Insta. We’ve been popping and hopping, and gals have been shopping ever since. Women helping women, am I right?

[gasps]

So what do you think, Rebecca?

Oh, God. I’ll take it.

[Keeley] Yes!

[chuckles] Looks, brains, and good taste.

She is beautiful.

I’m obsessed. [chuckles]

[gasps]

[“K.C. Blues” playing]

Satchel Paige, the biggest star of the Negro Leagues. Some say he is the greatest pitcher of all time, better than Cy Young, Sandy Koufax, Nolan Ryan.

Well, those are certainly some names…

Mm-hmm.

…of baseball men.

[chuckles] In your terms, think Duke Ellington, John Coltrane, and Louis Armstrong all rolled into one.

Whoa. Well, blow my top, Daddy-o.

Uh, now you get it.

[chuckles]

[fans cheering]

[guide] See, Satchel was a showman. He had a wild throwing style and all these crazy names for his pitches. The Hesitation, the Midnight Creeper, the Dipsy-Do. Many thought old Satch would be the first to break the Major League color barrier. He wasn’t.

[TV presenter] Manager Dressen thanks Hero Robinson.

[guide] But he finally got in at the age of 42.

[commentator] And in comes Cleveland’s Satchel Paige.

[guide] Oldest rookie in history, and he was still incredible. Yeah, the Negro Leagues were glorious. They didn’t do it for fame or fortune. They did it because to not play would have been unacceptable. My favorite saying of old Satch’s was, “Ain’t no man can avoid being born average. But there ain’t no man that got to be common.”

Hmm.

Look around. You see it. None of these men were common.

They’re immortal.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

[clicks teeth, blows]

Oh. You’re a natural. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

Thank you, Charles. You know, their story is quite similar to how women in England weren’t allowed to play football for years.

Mmm.

Not similar. Sorry, uh, what happened here, much worse. Much, much worse. Much, much, much, much. I can’t stop saying much for some reason. Is there a gift shop I can support?

[chuckles] It’s right over here. So when did they start letting women play soccer in the UK?

1971.

Damn, that’s recent as hell.

I know, right?

And you’re sure all it needs is a battery?

That’s right. And if not, it’ll still be right twice a day.

Hmm.

[Ted] Okay, Mom, I gotta go.

Oh, actually, Teddy, could you bring the box down from your bedroom? It was too heavy for me.

[Ted] [groans]

Thank you, baby.

[Ted] [sighs]

I love you, my big strong baby boy.

[Ted] Mm-hmm.

[sentimental music playing]

[high-pitched ringing]

[Ted] [sighs]

Thanks, honey.

[Ted] You remember when Dad used to take me to his work?

Oh, of course. You loved it.

[Ted] Yeah. Every time I went up there, folks would get so excited, treat me like I won a contest or something. [chuckles] Let me raid the vending machine or race around on those fancy office chairs they had up there. Talking about what a great guy Dad was. You know… just… it was fun. Yeah. Hey, why don’t you ever ask me about my job? I mean, no one does, you know? Not you. Not Michelle, Henry.

Well, I’m sure I have. I’ve–

[Ted] Mom.

Well. If you don’t care about it, why should I?

[Ted] Whoa.

Teddy Bear. You didn’t love going to work with your father ’cause of how it made you feel. You loved being around how his job made him feel. It’s good for a boy to see his father do something he loves.

[Ted] [sighs] Hmm.

Take the job.

[Ted] For crying out loud, Mom. You tell me that my son needs me, so I’ve got to come home. Now you’re telling me I should go back? What the heck am I supposed to do, split myself in half?

You’ll figure it out.

Oh, hey, that is pure silk from India. A personal gift from Mr. Yul Brynner.

[“Be” playing]

♪ There’s no way around it You piss me off ♪

♪ There’s no sense about it I’ve heard enough ♪

♪ Just let me be ♪

As you may know, CPKC is the first privately funded stadium in the world built solely for professional women’s soccer.

Hmm.

Love that blazer, by the way.

Oh, thank you. It’s a Dazzle Me Moi.

[groans] Tammy’s incredible.

Hmm.

[person] Hi, Katie.

Hi.

[gasps] Ooh, I think we should build our own stadium.

I think we should play a match first.

Right, yeah, of course. Yep, I know, yeah.

Hey, Katie. A bunch of questions for you.

It’s like walking around Wonka’s chocolate factory with Veruca Salt.

I want a stadium now.

Well, the women’s team does need our support. ‘Cause ain’t none of those women are common, Rebecca.

What are you wearing?

What are you wearing?

Hmm. Good point.

[Ted] Hmm.

You okay, Ted?

[Ted] Yeah, just running some laps up here in the old noggin. I dig this fit. You look like Mookie from Do the Right Thing.

Ooh, thank you.

[Ted] Mm-hmm.

[cheerful music playing]

Come on! Bring it on, yes!

[cheering]

Oh, my God! [sighs]

[Rebecca cheers]

The energy here is incredible. Whoo!

Yes-a! [cheers]

Bye, Ted.

[Ted] Bye.

I love Kansas City.

[Ted] Yeah.

Great to see how the sausage is made. You’re the sausage.

[Ted] Oh. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

This is one of my see you soon hugs, yeah?

[Ted] [chuckles]

My goodbye hugs last for days.

[Ted] Oh, I remember.

Good.

[Keeley] Hello.

[Ted] Hey. Mr. Higgins.

Ted, I’m gonna miss you.

[Ted] Hmm.

And I’m going to miss the hot Midwestern air flowing through my leg hair.

[Ted] The air’s gonna miss them calves. [chuckles] Ah, man.

[chuckles] Take good care.

[Ted] Oh boy, that’s a lot of food.

Don’t look at me. It’s hers.

[Ted] Hmm. I hope you left some for the rest of us.

Well, what can I say, Ted? Kansas City barbecue’s changed me.

[Ted] Hmm. Well, if you eat all that food, you’re gonna change the toilet on that plane.

[both chuckle]

[Ted] And, hey, I’m sorry you came out all this way to not get the answer you’re looking for. I can’t take the job. I got to stay put. This is home.

You know, sometimes home is just a state of mind. Just a little something to remember me by.

[Ted] [chuckles] Thanks, boss.

Hmm.

Bye, Ted. God bless you.

[Ted] You better hurry or you’ll miss that plane.

It’s my fucking plane, Ted. It’s not going anywhere.

[Ted] Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were doing Casablanca here.

Never seen it.

[Ted] Oh.

Never will. Hmm.

[Ted] Good for you.

[“Kansas City” playing]

[attendant] Ms. Welton, welcome aboard.

[Rebecca] Thank you so much.

♪ I listen to you time and time again ♪

♪ While you tell me just what’s right ♪

♪ And you tell me A thousand things a day ♪

♪ Then sleep somewhere’s else In the night ♪

♪ I’m going back to Kansas City ♪

♪ And I love you dear ♪

♪ But just how long ♪

♪ Can I keep singing the same old song? ♪

♪ And I love you dear ♪

♪ But just how long ♪

♪ Can I keep singing the same old song? ♪

♪ I’m going back to Kansas City ♪

♪ And I love you dear ♪

♪ But just how long ♪

♪ Can I keep singing the same old song? ♪

♪ I’m going back to Kansas City ♪

[Ted] [sighs]

[sentimental music playing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[typing]

[Ted] [sighs] Come on, man.

[phone chimes]

[chuckles]

[phone chimes]

[Ted] [sighs] Hmm. Mmm, nope.

[theme music playing]