South Park
Season 28 – Episode 5
Episode title: The Crap Out
Original release date: December 10, 2025
Plot: A depressed Stan Marsh wishes for a Christmas miracle to change his life for the better, inadvertently summoning the Woodland Critters. At the same time, Donald Trump and JD Vance arrive in South Park to free Peter Thiel and Pete Hegseth from jail, using Jesus to assist in their escape. Satan finally finds out that Trump wants to abort their unborn child from Towelie, and goes to South Park to confront him, only to be hospitalized after going into labor. Trump and company arrive at the hospital, standing off against Stan, Towelie, and the Woodland Critters, only for Jesus to defect to Stan’s side after he calls him out for losing faith in himself. While the standoff occurs, a doctor informs everyone that the unborn baby has committed suicide in Satan’s womb. A depressed Satan packs up and leaves the White House as Trump celebrates, while Jesus grants Stan’s prayers by giving the Marshes’ old house back to the family.
* * *
South Park – S28E05 – The Crap Out | Full transcript
[festive music]
STAN: The past few months have just been… really awful. There were these ICE raids and my dad’s company went out of business. Then we lost our house and had to move into the old folks home with my grandpa. It’s like everything keeps changing and I really don’t know how to cope with it.
JESUS: Uh-huh. And how exactly do you feel like shit has changed, bro?
[guitar chords]
STAN: Well, Jesus, It just seems like people aren’t really as kind and giving as they used to be, you know? Like, I just got some money from Saudi Arabia and I’m thinking of sharing it. ‘Cause I feel like that’s what everyone needs right now. Like, a big Christmas miracle?
JESUS: Sounds like some socialist bullshit to me, bro.
[guitar chords]
STAN: Jesus, I don’t wanna live in an old folks home anymore, OK? Now, I don’t know what’s made you change like this, but we need some God damn Christmas magic!
PEGGY: Hey, baby, I brought us some Pinot Grigio!
JESUS: What took you so long?
[guitar chords]
PEGGY: Don’t be mad… I was out doing my charity work! I’m a Christian, so I sing to people in need! [snorts]
JESUS: Just shut up and pour me that shit. You wanna make your life better, Stan? Join the frickin’ club! This is the time of year we all wish things were better. But trust me, nothing miraculous is gonna happen to anyone.
[festive music]
♪♪
SATAN: ♪ The crib is decorated
♪ And the nursery’s
all planned ♪
♪ I put holly on the diapers
With all the love I can ♪
♪ Tiny dreams in tinsel glow ♪
♪ What’s more special than ♪
♪ A new baby at Christmastime ♪
Only days remain until America meets President Trump’s demon spawn. How Satan will give birth to the butt baby is still unclear, but everyone knows the crap-out is coming.
SATAN: ♪ Don the wipes and mistletoe ♪
♪ There’s so much to be done ♪
♪ We’ll drink eggnog and cocoa
when labor has begun ♪
♪ So many reasons to be glad,
and I’ll be having one ♪
♪ A new baby at Christmastime ♪
♪ I will love the baby
and so will its dad ♪
♪ We will be so…
SATAN:Â Wait a minute. Where the hell is he? Donald? Donald! Where is Donald?
Oh, sorry, Satan. The President had to fly to Colorado on an urgent matter.
SATAN: An urgent matter? Are you serious right now? I told him this was the day we were going to sing songs and decorate the nursery! What is he doing that’s more urgent than that?
Sorry, it’s all high-level classified stuff. Even we don’t have clearance to know what he’s doing.
SATAN: He is such a piece a shit! He does this to me all the time! I’m about to have this baby, and he’s out fucking around!
Hormones, huh?
It is strange that the President hasn’t even informed me why he’s going to Colorado.
Well, the President said it’s top secret and only he and the vice president can know. Whatever they’re doing… must be part of an extremely covert military operation.
[bells ringing]
TRUMP: Merry Christmas! Relax, guy! Hey-hey-hey! Relax, guy!
VANCE: OK, Boss, this is the place. That is the police station over there. That’s where they are keeping Peter Thiel.
TRUMP: All right, we just gotta keep it quiet. Nobody can know I want to kill this baby… ope!
TRUMP: Merry Christmas! Hey-hey-hey! Relax!
TRUMP: Are you sure this Peter Thiel can do it?
VANCE: Yes, Boss. But we must find a way to break him out of that police–
TRUMP: Shh, shh, shh, shh. Happy holidays! Hey-hey-hey!
Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have any spare change, mkay? The government cut school funding so I lost my job. Then, you know, everything costs more with all the tariffs, and my health care got cut, so I’m just struggling like a lot of Americans are.
TRUMP: All right, well, Merry Christmas!
[bells ringing]
VANCE: We better hurry, Boss. The town might be onto us, and the crap-out could be any minute now.
TRUMP: OK, let’s synchronize our watches. It’s time to complete Operation Kill My Own Baby!
♪ I’ll be home for Christmas ♪
♪ If only in my dreams,
my dreams, my holiday dreams ♪
PEGGY: Hello, seniors, I’m Peggy Rockbottom here to spread a little holiday cheer. You know, sometimes we forget the reason for the season. But there’s only one man in my life, and that man is Jesus Christ. And I wrote this song for him.
[jaunty music]
♪ A Christian woman knows her place ♪
♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
♪ ‘Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
♪ That’s why I wrote this holiday song ♪
♪ With my big fake tits and my Botox lips ♪
♪ Saying merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
PEGGY: Come on, seniors, sing along!
♪ A Christian woman knows her place ♪
ALL: ♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
♪ ‘Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
♪ That’s why I wrote this holiday song ♪
♪ With my big fake tits and my Botox lips ♪
♪ To say merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
STAN: I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’ve been kind of wishing for a Christmas miracle. If miracles can still even happen, please, make it happen now.
ALL: Yay!
Look, guys, it’s Stanny!
ALL: Stanny!
STAN: Oh, no!
Did you miss us, Stan?
STAN: Oh, no!
SATAN: That son of a bitch. I could give birth any minute. “Oh, hey, Satan, you about to go into labor? OK, how about you go do everything, and I’ll do nothing?” Oh, yeah, great idea, Donald! Just like you always do. Ugh. God, he is so disgusting. Ugh, he’s such a pig! A blue jock strap? He doesn’t wear a blue jock strap. Who does this belong to?
TOWELIE: Vance. It’s Vance. They’re together.
SATAN: What are you talking about?
TOWELIE: They just wanna kill the baby.
SATAN: What?
TOWELIE: The President… Vance… so much sex.
SATAN: I can’t understand you ’cause you’re covered in dried-up milk!
TOWELIE: It’s not milk.
SATAN: Eww!
TOWELIE: Oh! [coughing] Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God!
SATAN: Tell me everything you know!
TOWELIE: I will, but first… please… I need to get… just a little high.
STAN: Go away!
[critters clamoring]
STAN: What do you guys want?
Well, didn’t you hear, Stan? Satan’s gonna give birth to the antichrist!
Yeah, he’s gonna have a butt baby and there’s gonna be a big crap-out!
And nobody loves a crap-out more than us!
[all cheering]
STAN: Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait. This doesn’t make any sense! You guys are just something that Cartman made up in his head!
Aww, are you really gonna over analyze a crap-out?
No way! Crap-outs have no rules!
ALL: Yay!
All right, y’all, Stan wished us here to help the Prince of Darkness, so we gotta do what he says.
STAN: I didn’t wish for that! I didn’t know anything about Satan having a baby or crap-outs.
But you asked for a Christmas miracle, Stan! And this crap-out’s gonna make everything better!
STAN: It is? Are you sure?
Of course! Crap-outs are the best!
Come on! Let’s get to it!
ALL: Yay!
TOWELIE: [inhaling] Oh, it’s been so long. [exhales] So then Vice President Vance, he doesn’t want you to have the baby, right? ‘Cause he thinks your baby is gonna hurt his chances of becoming president. So he convinces Trump to try to get rid of the baby himself, but every time he tries, he gets blocked by the FCC.
SATAN: If he didn’t want the baby, why didn’t he tell me?
TOWELIE: They couldn’t let anyone know they wanted to get rid of the baby because, you know, Republicans, abortions… it’s a bad look.
SATAN: [growls]
TOWELIE: So then Vance gets this guy Peter Thiel to get rid of the baby, and Thiel’s about to come do it when Pam Bondi suddenly finds out there’s a plot to kill the baby. So crazy, man. You can’t write this shit.
SATAN: What did I ever see in him?
TOWELIE: So then The President, he’s pissed off at Vance. He says, you’ve been lying to me, but Vance says, I was just trying to protect you, and then they start having sex over and over and over and over…
SATAN: Enough! The president hath deceived me. He hath deceived us all. And I shall make him pay.
TOWELIE: Oh, hell yeah, man. Let’s go get that motherfucker.
♪ What a special time,
it’s a special day ♪
♪ It’s a Woodland Critter
Christmas ♪
Crap-out!
TRUMP: Hey! Merry Christmas!
VANCE: Merry Christmas!
TRUMP: Happy Holidays! Relax, guy! Hello, we’re with the Salvation Army! We brought some food for your prisoners!
HARRIS: Food for the prisoners?
TRUMP: Hey, relax, guy! This is the time of year to give to the needy! We brought ’em this cake!
HEGSETH: We don’t need your cake! The president’s gonna come for us, and he’s gonna… oof!
HARRIS: Well, I guess there’s no harm. Mitch, let ’em in.
TRUMP: Hey, thanks, buddy!
ALL: ♪ We’re headin’ for a crap-out ♪
♪ Crap-out, crap-out ♪
♪ We smell a crap-out comin’ soon ♪
♪ Don’t take the hard route ♪
♪ Just get to the crap-out ♪
ALL: ♪ Satan’s gonna crap-out his anal womb ♪
STAN: OK, hold on a second. You said that Satan was in Washington, D.C.
Yeah, he was, and now he’s about to be here!
STAN: But how can you know that?
Oh, for Pete’s sake, Stanny, will you just get on board with the crap-out already?
Don’t worry, Stanny. Everything has been foretold and nothing can stop the antichrist from coming.
Except, of course, for Peter Thiel!
[critters jeering]
P-P-P-Peter Thiel!
STAN: Wait, you mean the six seven guy?
You know Peter Thiel?
STAN: Yeah, he did a big dumb assembly at the school.
He’s here?
What are you gonna do, Stanny?
Are you gonna kill him and eat him?
STAN: All right, look. If I’m gonna get on board with something, I need it make at least a little bit of sense.
Well, OK, Susan Sontag, we’ll make sure it all lines up perfectly for ya.
ALL: Yay!
THIEL: Peter Thiel to Red Dragon. Come in, Red Dragon.
TRUMP: Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon.
THIEL: I got the walkie in the cake. Awaiting further instructions.
TRUMP: Excellent. Just stand by, and we’ll find a way to get you out so you can kill my baby. Let’s synchronize our watches.
SATAN: Donald!
TRUMP: Uh-oh.
SATAN: You have lied to me.
VANCE: Satan! We were just doing some charity work!
TOWELIE: Yeah, I don’t think so! I told Satan every detail of your expertly-crafted plot.
VANCE: Boss, it’s your cum rag!
SATAN: I stayed with you while you two are fucking behind my back? Did Donald tell you he has genital warts?
TRUMP: [laughs] Hey, relax there, guy.
Look, there he is! It’s Satan!
ALL: Yay!
Just as the prophecy foretold!
STAN: Towelie? What’s going on?
TOWELIE: What’s going on is the most exquisitely woven tapestry of ideas that you’ve ever seen, man.
SATAN: Your deception is over, Donald, and so are we. This child will be born. And for once, you are going to have to live with the consequences of your actions.
[whooshing]
JESUS: Keep your hands off my president, bro.
Whoa! It’s Jesus Christ!
ALL: Aww!
JESUS: This happens to be a great man who’s protecting our country from fags.
TOWELIE: What the hell happened to Jesus?
STAN: He’s all Christian now.
SATAN: This man is a con artist, and I will deal with him!
JESUS: Don’t think so, bro! Yeah! America! Whoo!
[guitar chords]
TOWELIE: Oh, my God, this just keeps getting crazier.
SATAN: [groaning]
What’s wrong, Satan?
SATAN: It’s the baby. I think it’s coming.
Oh, wow, y’all, it’s time!
What do we do, Stan?
STAN: I don’t know! You gotta get him to a hospital!
Oh, boy! The big crap-out is almost here!
I can hardly wait! Can hardly wait!
Look, it’s the doctor!
ALL: Yay!
DOCTOR: All right, we’re almost ready. We just wanna run a quick ultrasound, and we’ll get you into the OR.
SATAN: Doctor, we must hurry. There are evil forces at work.
[guitar chords]
TRUMP: All right! This guy’s incredible! OK, now set Peter Thiel free!
[guitar chords]
THIEL: Mr. President! What happened?
TRUMP: I don’t know! I got another Christian dipshit to help me get what I want! Let’s go, Christianity!
THIEL: Then we can proceed. We have very little time to stop the antichrist from coming.
VANCE: Boss, just so you know, I don’t care if my asshole is filled with genital warts. I still love you.
SATAN: I can’t believe he turned out to be this big of a piece a shit. I seriously fall for the worst guys.
Now, now, Satan, you need to save your strength!
SATAN: I mean, I knew he sucked, OK? I knew it, but I didn’t think he would go this far. I am so stupid.
No! You’re not stupid! Stanny, tell Satan he’s not stupid.
STAN: You’re not stupid.
SATAN: No, I’m stupid! I saw how he treated everyone, but I was willing to look the other way. All because I just wanted my Christmas miracle.
STAN: Your Christmas miracle?
SATAN: My little baby. The only thing in my life that could actually be good. But now Donald has Jesus on his side, and we’ll never be free.
Satan’s right. If the President has Jesus on his side, he’s unstoppable!
It’s only a matter of time before they come here and ruin everything.
ALL: Aww!
Now, don’t be down, y’all. We have our own secret weapon.
That’s right! They might have Jesus, but we’ve got Stan!
ALL: Yay!
♪ What a special time, it’s a special day ♪
♪ It’s a Woodland Critter Christmas ♪
♪ Crap-out! Yeah! Let’s go!
[dramatic rock music]
♪♪
TRUMP: Let’s do this!
Oh, no, here they c-c-c-come!
What are we gonna do?
THIEL: Where is room 67? Thank you!
[guitar wailing]
[elevator dings]
[music playing faintly]
[elevator dings]
[music builds]
♪♪
[music stops abruptly]
TRUMP: Hey, kid! Get out of the way!
STAN: No. If you wanna get to Satan, you’ll have to go through us. I am fully embracing this crap-out.
ALL: Yay!
THIEL: Do not listen to these foul creatures of darkness, child!
STAN: I don’t know who to listen to anymore. All I know is, I might as well help someone get their Christmas miracle. ‘Cause nobody’s helping me with mine. At least that’s what Christmas used to mean. Trying to make things a little easier for someone else who needed it. I don’t know what happened to your Spirit of Christmas, Jesus. Let’s face it, you gave up, and now you’ve hit rock bottom.
JESUS: Hey, I didn’t hit her, OK? I mean, all right, maybe I did! But Peggy was asking’ for it!
STAN: That’s actually not at all what I was talking about.
JESUS: No. You’re right. You’re right, my child. I gave up and I lost faith. I don’t want to do this.
TRUMP: Hey! Don’t forget I can sue you!
JESUS: Then go ahead and sue me. I’m not going to be afraid anymore.
DOCTOR: Excuse me, everyone. Sorry… sorry to interrupt, but I’m afraid we have some really bad news.
JESUS: What?
TRUMP: What? What happened?
DOCTOR: We’ve looked at the ultrasound, and… it appears that at some point when nobody was watching, the baby hung itself and took its own life.
STAN: What?
What are you talking about?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you can see it all in the video. The baby got ahold of some bedsheets. There’s a couple minutes missing from the ultrasound, but it’s definitely a suicide.
TRUMP: You gotta be kidding me! The baby hung itself?
VANCE: Boss! Boss! It’s a miracle!
But does that mean there’s not gonna be a crap-out?
ANNOUNCER: This is a Fox News special alert.
Fox News has just received confirmation that the unborn child of Satan and President Trump has decided to take the easy way out and end its own life.
Definitely an unfortunate turn of events. Fox News has analyzed the ultrasound. You can see the baby probably considering suicide right here and then… a little bit missing… and it killed itself. Obvious confirmation of suicide. You can see a little chair there. Just what babies do sometimes.
That’s right, and if you or someone you know is a fetus contemplating suicide, we urge you to call Fox News as much as you possibly can.
In the meantime, all our thoughts and prayers are with the president tonight, Who will be holding a funeral for his unborn child at the White House.
[upbeat festive music]
♪♪
TRUMP: Hey, Merry Christmas! Did you hear the news? The baby’s dead!
Yes, Mr. President, we are so sorry.
TRUMP: Happy holidays! The baby’s dead!
Are you OK, sir?
TRUMP: Yeah, it’s really hard! Here, have a cigar!
TRUMP: Hey, Pam! Merry Christmas! The baby’s dead!
PAM: You’re so strong, Mr. President. And you’re taking it really well.
TRUMP: Hey! Thanks, Pam!
[soft piano music]
♪♪
[upbeat festive music]
♪
TRUMP: I win! I win! I win again!
♪
TOBY: Christmas letters from home. Here you go. Some Christmas joy from your loved ones. There you go. Hey, there’s one for you today.
JESUS: Dear Stan, I’m writing this because I owe you an apology and a thank you. You asked for a Christmas miracle, and I didn’t listen. So now, go to this address.
STAN: No way.
Thank you. Thank you!
[twinkling]
JESUS: I’ll be here, Stan, watching over everybody. Be good. And remember, never give up on the things that you commit to.
PEGGY: He’s so great, isn’t he? Merry Christmas, everyone! Let’s all have the happiest holidays!
♪ A Christian Woman knows her place ♪
BOTH: ♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
♪ ‘Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
♪ That’s why I wrote this holiday song ♪
♪ With my big fake tits and my Botox lips ♪
♪ Saying Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
PEGGY: Come on, seniors, sing along!
♪ A Christian woman knows her place ♪
ALL: ♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
♪ ‘Cause I deserve it, I was wrong ♪
♪ That’s why I wrote this holiday song ♪
♪ With my big fake tits and my Botox lips ♪
♪ To say merry Christmas, Jesus Christ ♪
PEGGY: ♪ A Christian woman knows her place ♪
ALL: ♪ So go ahead and punch me in the face ♪
♪ ‘Cause I deserve it ♪
