South Park
Season 28 – Episode 4
Episode title: Turkey Trot
Original release date: November 26, 2025
Plot: The town of South Park holds a 5K Turkey trot with a $5000 reward sponsored by Saudi Arabia. Eric Cartman attempts to get Tolkien Black to join his team, believing him to be a fast runner due to race science, but Tolkien decides to stay home due to Saudi Arabia’s human rights violations. Cartman takes Tolkien’s Xbox, causing him to chase after him through the race. Meanwhile, Trump sends Pete Hegseth to retrieve Peter Thiel from jail, only for Hegseth to believe the runners are Antifa insurrectionists and disrupt the race with tear gas. Tolkien gets his Xbox back from Cartman amid the chaos and inadvertently crosses the finish line first, winning the $5,000. Hegseth is then thrown into jail with Thiel.
* * *
South Park – S28E04 – Turkey Trot | Full transcript
[twangy music]
MAYOR: All right, people, it’s almost Thanksgiving, and that means the annual Turkey Trot is nearly upon us. How is it that we haven’t found one sponsor to help pay for this event?
South Park’s just fallen on hard times, Mayor. Nobody’s got the money.
Tegridy Farms used to be a sponsor of the Turkey Trot, but as you know, we’ve recently all lost Tegridy. So I’m afraid we just can’t help.
What about the City Asian Pop Up Store? Can’t they help sponsor this year’s race?
How City Asian Pop Up pay for Turkey Trot? We gotta pay tariff! We more fucked than anybody!
Let’s just face it, Mayor, South Park businesses are dying and a lot of good people have lost their jobs.
Trash? Anybody got trash?
Oh, yeah, here’s some. Bank shot!
MAYOR: There has to be a solution, people. The Turkey Trot is the one time of year this town comes together as a community. We all need it now, more than ever.
Well, of course, there is someone who’d be willing to give South Park a bunch of money.
[curious music]
I mean, they’re giving money to everyone else. Why not us?
[music ends]
MAYOR: My God. That’s it!
ANNOUNCER: This Thanksgiving morning, lace up for holiday fun and tradition. It’s the 28th annual South Park Turkey Trot. Sponsored by… Saudi Arabia!
[Arabic music playing]
♪
ANNOUNCER: It’s a 5K race absolutely stuffed with Thanksgiving traditions.
♪ ♪
ANNOUNCER: And the first one across the finish line wins their team $5,000!
♪ ♪
ANNOUNCER: Sign up your team now! All ages are welcome! Disparaging remarks towards the Saudi Royal family are strictly prohibited. Start your Thanksgiving with this time-honored tradition. The South Park Turkey Trot.
[singers vocalizing]
STAN: $5,000, you guys. The winner of this year’s Turkey Trot gets $5,000 from Saudi Arabia. Like, if anybody’s gonna get money from Saudi Arabia, it should be us.
[muffled speech]
And just one person has to win the race and your whole team gets the money?
STAN: Yeah!
CARTMAN: Dude, that is crazy!
[muffled speech]
STAN: We should just get a bunch of kids on our team, and then the chances of one of us winning is way better.
Yeah, but then you gotta split the prize money more ways.
CARTMAN: It’s true, man. I say we keep our team to four, five runners, max.
Nobody said we wanted you on the team.
STAN: Yeah, you kinda slow us down.
CARTMAN: Oh, no, no, no, trust me. You want me on the racing team. I happen to be an expert in race science, you guys. I know a way to give our team an optimal winning advantage.
CARTMAN: Tolkien! Hey, man. Listen, I was, uh–I was just wondering whose team you’re thinking of being on for the big Turkey Trot.
TOLKIEN: Turkey Trot?
CARTMAN: You know, the big footrace Thanksgiving morning? First place wins 5,000 bucks for his whole team.
TOLKIEN: Oh. I’m not really a runner.
CARTMAN: Yeah, right. Of course you’re a runner, Tolkien. Sorry, guys, just give me one second.
STAN: What the hell is he doing?
I don’t know.
CARTMAN: All right, look, Tolkien, I’m a racing science expert, OK? The data shows your race always wins races.
[locker slams]
CARTMAN: Whoa, whoa, Tolkien. Tolkien. Come on, man, it’s Thanksgiving. If you don’t want to race for yourself, then do it for the needy, Kenny and Stan. I mean, Stan’s family lost their home, dude. Those guys could really use the money, and all the analytics show that with you on the team, we can’t lose. Could you-could you just do it for Thanksgiving?
TOLKIEN: All right, fine.
CARTMAN: Yes? He said yes!
[suspenseful music]
HARRIS: Jesus Christ, Mitch. A $5,000 prize for the Turkey Trot? Everyone in town is gonna want to do this race.
MITCH: I was kind of thinking of signing the family up, sir. We could really use some of that Saudi Arabian dough.
HARRIS: Can’t do it, Mitch. We’re gonna be busy on race day.
COP: Sir! The White house is calling again. They’re demanding we release the prisoner.
HARRIS: Tell them we’re busy.
COP: But they said if we don’t comply, they’re gonna send in Pete Hegseth and the Department of War.
HARRIS: Who’s Pete Hegseth?
HEGSETH: Yeah! Yeah! Hey, what’s up, guys? This is Pete Hegseth with the Department of War! We’re here to infiltrate this police station and extract a POI ’cause that’s what we do! [barking] At ease, soldier! The President of the United States orders you to release custody of the prisoner to me immediately.
THIEL: I warned you I had powerful friends.
HARRIS: Yeah, well, Totoro still has to be processed and seen by a judge. And we have a big Turkey Trot to deal with, so it’s gonna be a few days.
HEGSETH: Hey, man, I don’t think you understand. You’re messing with the Department of War! And we mean business. We don’t stand down for anyone! Be sure to like and subscribe. All right, let’s do this! [barking]
HARRIS: All right, I certainly don’t want to tangle with you guys. How about you just push the secret button in the floor over here and the jail cell doors will all open.
HEGSETH: The secret button?
HARRIS: Yeah, it’s in the floor. Right there, you see it? It’s right-there it is!
HEGSETH: Ah, ah, ahh!
HARRIS: Now get your little bitch ass out of my town.
HEGSETH: Oh, you– I dare you to do that again. [screams]
[indistinct chatter]
OK, and did you already register your racing team online?
Yeah, it’s, uh, Jimbo and Ned. We’re racing with the Kiwanis Gun Club.
Yes, here you go. Good luck with the race, happy Thanksgiving, and [speaks Arabic].
MACKEY: Uh, it’s Mackey. Mr. Mackey, mmkay.
OK, Mr. Mackey, and how many on your team?
MACKEY: Oh, I’m not on no team, mmkay. I need that sweet Saudi Arabian money all for myself.
All right, guys, we got our racing numbers.
STAN: Damn, dude, there’s so many people signing up. How are we ever gonna win?
CARTMAN: Don’t worry, you guys, I’ve been scoping out the competition. That group over there is the Rotary Club. They won last year, but they’re all, like, old now. Over there is the City Pop Up team. The race science says they’ll race smart, but not necessarily fast, so we’re good there.
WENDY: Oh, hey, Stan. You gonna do the Turkey Trot this year?
STAN: Yeah. You guys are too?
Hell yeah, we are! $5,000!
CARTMAN: Oh, yeah, I’m sure all four of you ladies have a really awesome chance of winning.
There’s actually five of us.
Hey, guys, what’s up?
[dramatic sting]
Well, we’ll see you at the race.
All right, see ya!
CARTMAN: They’re teaching race science to girls now? What the hell kind of country are we living in?
HEGSETH: Commitment! Strength! The ability to obliterate our enemies! That is the Department of War! What’s up, guys? I’m Pete Hegseth. We’re outside this woke liberal town that is actually defying our government, and nobody defies the Department of War! Pete Hegseth will do whatever it takes! I’m here to kick bubblegum and chew ass, and I’m all outta ass. I’ll do whatever’s necessary to get the job done!
[phone ringing]
HEGSETH: Oh, yeah, look at that! That’s the President of the United States calling me, right now! Yes, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Hegseth! What the fuck are you doing? Did you get Peter Thiel?
HEGSETH: No, sir, we were unable to extract the prisoner. We were met with resistance from the woke local police force.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: God damn it, we gave you one job to do. We need Peter Thiel here at the White house.
HEGSETH: Sir, yes, sir! I’m gonna need the full might of the Department of War! I’ll need all our tanks and guns and dudes!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Then you’ve got it. Just get us the prisoner, no matter what it takes!
HEGSETH: Hell yeah!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: And Hegseth, don’t just make a bunch of content. Like, actually go and do something.
HEGSETH: [quietly] Be sure to like and subscribe, guys.
HEGSETH: Yes, sir, Mr. President! I will make this town pay!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: God, he is such a douchebag.
HEGSETH: All right, men, we’ll have a full army here by tomorrow. And then that smalltown cop is gonna see he messed with the wrong guy.
KCBR5 REPORTER: It’s the morning of the big race, and all of South Park appears to have turned out in the spirit of community. People are putting on their numbers and rocking out their festive costumes. I’m with Police Chief Harris, and Chief, your guys have been working overtime.
HARRIS: Yeah, well, we just want to make sure everyone has a safe Thanksgiving morning. We want people to stay hydrated and be responsible. Let’s have a good Turkey Trot.
KCBR5 REPORTER: Now, of course, there’s a lot of money on the line for the team of the race winner, and so some people are turning to race science.
CARTMAN: That’s right, you know, a lot of people these days want to debunk science. You know, vaccine’s cause autism, jet fuel leaves chemtrails, but when it comes to racing science, it’s science.
KCBR5 REPORTER: Certainly a lot of runners hoping to cash in today, so may the best turkey win.
CARTMAN: All right, you guys ready to run? We got this. Come on, team, let’s go! Where’s Tolkien?
Oh, you didn’t hear?
CARTMAN: I didn’t hear what?
STAN: Tolkien says he’s not gonna race.
CARTMAN: What do you mean Tolkien’s not going to race?
STAN: He said because it’s being sponsored by Saudi Arabia, he’s bowing out for political reasons.
CARTMAN: Are you fucking joking?
No.
CARTMAN: God damn it, wait here!
MAYOR: Welcome, everyone to the 28th annual South Park Turkey Trot!
[cheers and applause]
MAYOR: This is a wonderful turnout, and I’m sure you’ll all help me in thanking this year’s sponsor, Saudi Arabia!
[cheers and applause]
HEGSETH: Holy shit! Holy shit, we’ve got an Antifa uprising! All right, Department of War, listen up! The people of this town are starting an insurrection! But they will not stand in the way of us getting our man!
[knocking on door]
CARTMAN: Tolkien! Tolkien? Tolkien!
[banging on door]
[door opens]
CARTMAN: Dude, what the hell are you doing?
TOLKIEN: Playing “Arc Raiders.”
CARTMAN: The guys said you’re not gonna race because it’s being sponsored by Saudi Arabia?
TOLKIEN: Yeah, just doesn’t feel right.
CARTMAN: “It doesn’t feel right”?
TOLKIEN: Yeah, doesn’t feel right.
CARTMAN: “It doesn’t feel right”? What, Tolkien, you don’t like that Saudi Arabia is buying American stuff? They’re trying to be progressive, OK? You want them to go back to what they were doing? You want Saudi Arabia to just go back to cutting people up and paying Kevin Hart? Is that what you want?
TOLKIEN: I can’t see the screen.
CARTMAN: Tolkien, you can’t whine about a country trying to come into the 21st century. Them wanting to help pay for American things is good. ‘Cause guess what? If Saudi Arabia is out paying for sporting events, they’re not out hacking up reporters and inviting Pete Davidson to come do comedy.
MAYOR: All right, everyone, on your mark… Get set…
[gunshot]
HEGSETH: Holy shit! Shots fired! Shots fired! Get set up over there! We need content! Now!
HEGSETH: What’s up, guys? Pete Hegseth, Department of War. We are being fired upon! There’s an uprising here. Some kind of insurrection. Make sure to like and subscribe!
[indistinct happy chatter]
HEGSETH: You can hear the liberal terrorists all screaming and chanting behind us. We’re gonna take ’em on! Just another day in the Department of War! Let’s move out!
CARTMAN: Did you know that since 2018, they actually allow women to drive in Saudi Arabia? They allow women to drive! It’s like practically a lesbian utopia over there.
TOLKIEN: Can you please just let me enjoy my Thanksgiving morning?
CARTMAN: Oh, yeah, sure, who cares about lesbian utopia? Not Tolkien. Tolkien wants Saudi Arabia to just keep chopping off gay people’s heads. That’s way better, isn’t it? You’re being a dick, bro.
TOLKIEN: Go away.
CARTMAN: All right, Tolkien, you know what? Fine. If you really don’t want to be a part of our country embracing Saudi Arabia’s desire to change, then we don’t need you.
TOLKIEN: Hey! Hey, gimme back my Xbox!
CARTMAN: Come get it, asshole!
[footsteps thudding]
Come on. Come on, we gotta get that money.
HEGSETH: The rioting terrorists appear to be advancing north, northeast. Our plan, gentlemen, is to intercept them at this location here, and get as much content as we possibly can. It’s quite possible we’ll also be needing to get content in this area, so be ready. Third Battalion, you’ll be posting up here. I want you posting on Instagram and Twitter. Alpha Team post here. Bravo Team content there.
[tires squealing]
KRISTI NOEM: All right, everyone, stand by. At ease, soldier. We heard there’s a civilian uprising.
HEGSETH: Yeah, we don’t need Homeland Security’s help. We got it.
KRISTI NOEM: We’re just here to assist in any way we can. That’s what Homeland Security does. Be sure to like and subscribe, guys. We’ve got a…
HEGSETH: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is not your content. Everyone like and subscribe to Department of War!
[cheering]
STAN; [panting]
MACKEY: Come on. Come on. You got this. I got it.
[cheering]
CARTMAN: [panting]
TOLKIEN: God damn it! Gimme my Xbox!
CARTMAN: Tolkien, how can you not catch up to me? [pants] You’re not even trying!
TOLKIEN: I am trying! I told you, I’m not a runner!
CARTMAN: Yes, you are! Will you stop fucking around?
KRISTI NOEM: Homeland Security to Department of War. The protestors are headed your way.
HEGSETH: Stand down, Homeland Security. This is our content.
KRISTI NOEM: There’s too many of ’em!
[dog barking]
[gunfire]
[dog whimpers]
HEGSETH: Here they come. Everyone, hold your positions! Department of War will not be intimidated! Hold. Hold! Fire the tear gas! Yeah!
[cannister clatters]
[all shouting and coughing]
STAN: [coughing] Dude. Dude, which way are we supposed to go?
MACKEY: [coughing] I can’t-I can’t see nothing.
[coughing]
CARTMAN: Tolkien? Tolkien!
TOLKIEN: [coughing] Where the hell did you go?
[distant booming and shouting]
[bell dings]
[coughing] What the hell’s going on?
We don’t know.
Well, how the hell are we supposed to race if they’ve blocked the road?
[thudding]
[squeaking]
Look, all I know is that the Stotch family is in big financial trouble this year. We have to reach that finish line.
You think you fucked? We gotta pay tariff! That prize money is our only chance.
Does anyone have a Turkey Trot route map?
MACKEY: Yeah, I’ve got one here.
All right, let’s see. So if this area’s all blocked off, then our best chance at getting to the finish line is detouring through here.
MACKEY: No, no, we should go this way through the underpass.
BUTTERS’ DAD: Are you crazy?
That’s too much of a shortcut. We could get disqualified.
All that matters is that it’s OK with Saudi Arabia. Would going this way be OK with Saudi Arabia?
There’s no way to be sure what Saudi Arabia wants. All I know is, I need their money. So I’m gonna go out there and take my chances.
[’80s rock music]
♪ ♪
HEGSETH: What’s up, guys? Pete Hegseth, Department of War. We’ve got the Narco terrorists on the run and we’re gonna take ’em out. Yeah!
♪ Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
♪ Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
♪ Acting like a tough guy ♪
♪ Posting it around the world ♪
♪ Making lots of content ♪
♪ Like a little teenage girl ♪
♪ Pete Hegseth’s a fucking douche ♪
♪ Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
[gunfire]
[siren blips]
HARRIS: All right, buddy. I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but I’m pretty sure I told you to get the hell out of my town.
HEGSETH: [scoffs] Oh, yeah? Well, what do you think you’re gonna do about it?
[dramatic music]
CARTMAN: Hello? Hello? Anybody?
TOLKIEN: Give me my Xbox!
CARTMAN: Ah! What is your problem, man? You could’ve made this an amazing Thanksgiving. [coughs] For Stan. For Kenny. But you just wanna play games.
TOLKIEN: [coughs] For the last time, just because I’m Black doesn’t mean I run fast!
CARTMAN: Yes, you do. You just weren’t trying because you have a problem with Saudia Arabia joining the global community.
TOLKIEN: That has nothing to do with you being a racist.
CARTMAN: Oh, I’m a racist? You want Saudi Arabia to just keep stuffing journalists into suitcases, but I’m the racist!
TOLKIEN: I’m going home.
CARTMAN: OK, fine, forget it.
TOLKIEN: Yeah, I will forget it! And I can think whatever I want!
CARTMAN: OK, you’re right, Tolkien.
TOLKIEN: Yeah, I know I’m right!
CARTMAN: OK, that’s cool. Have a good Thanksgiving, man.
TOLKIEN: I will have a good Thanksgiving ’cause I won’t be listening to your stupid bullshit!
CARTMAN: Yep, sounds good. Enjoy the holidays with your loved ones.
TOLKIEN: Oh, God damn it.
CARTMAN: Yes! Race science! Race science!
[triumphant music]
MAYOR: On behalf of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and His Royal Highness Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud, this year’s Turkey Trot grand prize goes to the team of South Park’s very own Tolkien Black!
[upbeat Saudi Arabian music]
[camera shutters clicking]
STAN: We did it, dude.
HARRIS: It’s right there. You see it? It’s right there!
HEGSETH: [screams]
HARRIS: There you go. Almost there.
HEGSETH: [screams] [screams]
[door slams]
HARRIS: All right, guys, that about wraps it up. Let’s get home and eat some turkey.
HEGSETH: You son of a bitch! The president will come for us!
HARRIS: Yeah, maybe so. Judge will see you Monday.
[ominous music]
HEGSETH: South Park’s gonna pay for this. They’re all gonna pay.
♪ ♪
♪ Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
♪ What you gonna do now ♪
♪ Everybody is laughing at you ♪
[…]
♪ Pete Hegseth’s a fucking douche ♪
♪ Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche ♪
