South Park
Season 28 – Episode 2
Episode title: The Woman in the Hat
Original release date: October 31, 2025
Plot: Stan Marsh and his family move in with Grampa Marsh at the retirement home he lives in. Considering life in the town to now suck, Stan teams up with Kyle Broflovski and Kenny McCormick to create a subreddit discussing that opinion. When it becomes popular, Stan creates a meme coin with the help of Kyle’s cousin Kyle Schwartz, who goes to Washington, D.C. to discuss the pump and dump scheme with Donald Trump Jr. Meanwhile, the renovation of the East Wing causes a vengeful spirit to haunt Donald Trump.
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South Park – S28E02 – The Woman in the Hat | Full transcript
[bright music]
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
♪ ♪
How was school today, bud?
STAN: It was fine.
RANDY MARSH: Look, Stan, I know it’s been really hard for you the past month, with us not having a home.
STAN: Yeah, it sucks.
RANDY: I’ve tried to find work, but there’s just not a lot out there. And with the government shutdown, I can’t get my job back with the USGS. Times are hard, and I know we all miss Tegridy.
STAN: I don’t miss Tegridy, Dad. I just hate that our family is living in a motel. It’s really embarrassing.
RANDY: Well, that’s what I need to tell you, Stan. There’s some good news: we’re moving out of the motel.
STAN: Wait, really? We can live in a house again?
RANDY: Well, no, we can’t afford a house, so… we’re moving in with your grandpa.
STAN: Moving in with Grandpa?
GRANDPA MARSH: This is a bunch of bull crap! First you stick me in this place, and then you all come along?
RANDY: Pretty nice, huh, guys? There’s a TV, a microwave, and we have Bingo on Thursdays.
STAN: There has to be somewhere else we can live.
RANDY: Come on, Stan. You have that space over there by Grandpa’s shit pan.
STAN: You can’t make me stay here. This is completely inhumane.
GRANDPA MARSH: That’s what I said! Didn’t work.
[lively music]
♪ ♪
[hammers pounding, metal clangs]
SITE MANAGER: OK, so then over here is where you’re gonna have the big golden pillars that you guys wanted.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ah, yeah! That’s great!
SITE MANAGER: OK, and then right over here is where we’re gonna put your dance floor.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: All right!
SATAN: Wait, dance floor? I thought we were knocking the East Wing down to make room for the nursery.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: The what?
SATAN: The nursery! You said all this remodeling was for the baby, not to make room for more of your stupid parties.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Hey, relax, guy! We can just stick the baby in the bathroom or something.
SATAN: Wow! OK, so obviously I have no say in this remodel.
DAN SCAVINO: Mr. President, sir. I’m very sorry, but we need to speak with you urgently. It’s a matter of national security.
[dramatic music]
DAN SCAVINO: We don’t want to frighten you, Mr. President, but we’ve received intelligence that someone might be trying to stop your baby from being born.
SATAN: What? Who?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Hey! Relax, guy!
DAN SCAVINO: We don’t know who yet, sir, but Pam Bondi has been looking into it.
PAM BONDI: That’s right, sir, we won’t let any harm come to the baby of the greatest president that ever lived. You are without equal, sir
DAN SCAVINO: Uh, hey, Pam.
PAM BONDI: And we are honored to be…
DAN SCAVINO: Pam. Pam, sorry. You got a little shit on your nose there.
PAM BONDI: Oh, do I? Did I get it?
DAN SCAVINO: No, it’s still there.
SATAN: If someone is trying to harm the baby, then we must know who.
Well, there is… one theory.
[sinister music]
STEVEN MILLER: Some people believe that by demolishing the East Wing, we may have unleashed some sort of…wrath.
♪ ♪
PRESIDENT TRUMP: What kind of wrath?
STEVEN MILLER: Vengeful… wrath.
[thunder booming]
♪ ♪
[phone ringing]
PETER THIEL: What the hell is going on? I was supposed to be in Washington.
J.D. VANCE: There has been a change in plan, Mr. Thiel. They are on to us at the White House.
PETER THIEL: But how? How did they find out?
J.D. VANCE: Someone must have heard us talking. Do you still have the child?
PETER THIEL: Yes, he’s here. I have him heavily sedated. It should last another six, seven hours.
CARTMAN: [chortling laughter] [mumbling] Six, seven!
PETER THIEL: But I can’t keep him here forever.
J.D. VANCE: You’ll just have to wait until it is safe. I think some brownnoser here is after my job.
STAN: Hey. Come on in. You guys can’t tell anybody that I’m living here.
KYLE: Stan, you shouldn’t be embarrassed, all right? Everyone’s having a hard time right now.
STAN: Yeah, everyone’s having a hard time. And you know what the problem is? Nobody’s doing anything about it. How many weeks has it been now, dealing with one stupid thing after another? The truth is, I think a lot of people are just afraid to admit that South Park sucks now.
KYLE: South Park sucks now?
STAN: Yeah, everyone knows it. South Park sucks now. And it’s because of all this political shit. We’re just getting totally bogged down in it. Remember when we used to do stuff? Just us guys? Ever since all this political crap took over, it’s like-what? Like-like what happened to us? Like, Kenny, I haven’t even heard you say anything in, like, four months.
KENNY: [muffled speech]
STAN: You see? That’s what I mean! We don’t even know what to say. South Park’s getting ruined, and all of us Gen Alpha kids are just sitting here, watching it happen.
KYLE: You’re right, dude.
KENNY: [muffled] Yeah!
KYLE: But what do we do?
STAN: I know exactly what to do.
STAN: Hey, guys, are you sick and tired of what’s happening to our town? Do you feel like it’s broken and going nowhere? Then click below and join our online community at South Park Sucks Now. Things are clearly not right here, and if you’re like us, you are fed up!
KYLE: South Park Sucks Now!
STAN: So please, like and subscribe, smash the button, up-vote-whatever the hell you need to do, because together, we can make a difference.
[eerie music]
DAN SCAVINO: Mr. President, we don’t want you to be afraid. Tell us exactly what it is you think you saw.
♪ ♪
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ever since I tore down the East Wing, there’s… this thing that keeps appearing.
DAN SCAVINO: What kind of thing?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Sometimes I see it in a mirror. Or in the hallway.
PAM BONDI: President Trump, you are an incredible man. Whatever this is, we have your back.
DAN SCAVINO: Uh, Pam. Pam, you got some shit on your nose again.
PAM BONDI: Oh, really?
DAN SCAVINO: Mr. President, this entity you speak of, how many times has it appeared?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: It appears more and more lately. I-I can’t get away from it. It’s everywhere I go.
[music stops]
PRESIDENT TRUMP: [whispering] It’s here right now. In the corner.
[ominous tone]
DAN SCAVINO: I’m pretty sure that’s your wife, sir.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: My wife? [whispering] What does it want?
[ominous tone]
DAN SCAVINO: Maybe it’s somehow trying to communicate. Don’t worry, we won’t let anything happen to you.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ah! Where did Pam Bondi go?
DAN SCAVINO: What?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Pam Bondi! She’s gone!
DAN SCAVINO: But she was sitting right here!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Pam?
DAN SCAVINO: Pam?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Where’s Pam Bondi?
PAM BONDI: I’m right here, sir!
DAN SCAVINO: [gasps] Look, it’s back.
PAM BONDI: What’s back?
DAN SCAVINO: You’ve got some shit on your nose again.
PAM BONDI: Oh, my God! What is going on?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: That thing! It’s not there anymore.
[ominous tone]
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ah!
[tones chime]
PA: Good morning, seniors. It’s 6:30 a.m. Rise and shine for your morning medication.
RANDY: Ugh, God, 6:30?
GRAMPA MARSH: Yeah, it fucking sucks, doesn’t it?
STAN: Holy shit.
RANDY: What?
STAN: Holy shit.
STAN: 756,000 likes, you guys. We just built a massive online community.
KYLE: Wow. I can’t believe how many people agree with us.
STAN: I thought we could get 50 or 60 kids from school to sign up, but this is incredible.
KYLE: All right, we’ve got everyone’s attention. So what do we do now?
STAN: What do you mean, dude? It’s obvious. It’s time for phase two.
[gentle music]
STAN: Hey, guys, if you’ve come here, then you’re likely joining the chorus of voices that’s fed up with the direction our town is going. We all want change in our community. And now there’s an opportunity to truly make your voices heard. Introducing the South Park Sucks Now cryptocurrency coin. This digital meme token is your way to be a part of the fastest-growing community in America. This used to be a great town before all the politics came and ruined it all. Get in on our crypto meme coin with this incredible presale offer. Each coin is just $9.95, but could be worth ten times that overnight!
KYLE: Wait, a meme coin?
STAN: Do you want South Park to change? Then order your coin today at SouthParkSucksNow.com. Stan Marsh is not a financial advisor affiliated with any financial institution. Digital assets are highly volatile and may involve significant risk, including loss of all funds. Ownership of South Park Sucks Now Coin does not represent equity, profit sharing, or ownership of any company platform or project. Participation is voluntary and should only be undertaken by individuals who fully understand the risks associated with block chain assets. South Park Sucks Now Coin is not registered with or regulated by the SEC or any financial authority. Please review all disclosures and consult a licensed financial advisor before engaging in digital asset transactions.
[thunder booming]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
[scraping]
♪ ♪
[shower curtain scrapes]
♪ ♪
[Towelie screaming]
♪ ♪
[cabinet squeaks]
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ahh!
[ominous tone]
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Ah, fuck! Fuck!
SATAN: What?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: It’s the Woman in the Hat!
SATAN: What are you talking about?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: The Woman in the Hat! She’s in the fucking bathroom!
SECURITY AGENT: We’ve double checked everything, sir. All the exterior doors are locked. No windows have been breached.
DAN SCAVINO: And yet the president swears something was in the room with him.
SECURITY AGENT: Is he going to be all right?
DAN SCAVINO: Pretty shaken. Pam Bondi is in there now trying to calm him down and make him feel better.
PAM BONDI: [screaming]
DAN SCAVINO: Pam? Oh, my God!
PAM BONDI: [groaning]
KYLE: Stan, what are we doing?
STAN: What do you mean, dude? We’re trying to change things.
KYLE: By selling cryptocurrency?
STAN: What’s wrong with trying to make a little money while also pointing out the things wrong with our town?
KENNY: [muffled] Yeah, what’s wrong with that?
STAN: I have to do something, Kyle. I’m nine years old and I live in a retirement home.
KYLE: And you really think crypto is your way out? Do you even know anything about how that stuff works?
STAN: Well, actually, we have a really strong crypto advisor-your cousin on the east coast.
KYLE: My cousin?
COUSIN KYLE: I’m back! All right, looks like we’ve got a lot of movement on your coin, boys. The presale really popped. We cleared 100 grand in volume before liquidity even locked. The token’s really got traction.
STAN: And we don’t ever have to pay anything, right?
COUSIN KYLE: Nope, you never pay anything. You guys created the coin, so all you do is profit from it.
STAN: See? I told you.
KENNY: [muffled speech]
COUSIN KYLE: Now we just need to keep creating hype around the South Park Sucks Now digital coin, so we need to come up with things to give people FOMO and make them ape even harder.
KYLE: You guys, this isn’t about a coin. It’s about a movement.
STAN: Oh, that’s really good.
COUSIN KYLE: Yeah, yeah, that’s perfect. “This isn’t about a coin. It’s about a movement.” Yeah, that’s some savvy Jew Jitsu right there.
STAN: So what kind of time frame are we looking at to get our money? I need it as fast as possible.
COUSIN KYLE: Well, I think we’re looking at a classic rug pull in just a few days. Once we pump the coin high as it’ll go, then I can register for an MSB with the federal government.
STAN: The federal government? That sounds hard.
COUSIN KYLE: Oh, no, it’s gonna be easy. The crypto corruption at the White House is off the chain. We’re gonna screw a lot of people out of their money, boys. It’s gonna be fantastic.
[thunder booming]
[heavy knocking]
[thunder booms]
STEVEN MILLER: Yes?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR HUSBAND: Uh, yes, we’re paranormal investigators. We’ve been asked to come and investigate the mysterious Woman in the Hat.
STEVEN MILLER: I am Stephen Miller, Senior Advisor to the President for Immigration and Domestic Policy.
[thunder booms]
STEVEN MILLER: Won’t you… come in?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR HUSBAND: Oh, my God, it’s incredible. Subject is showing some kind of viscous residue on her nose.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Well, what the fuck is it?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR WIFE: Sometimes there’s a physical manifestation of spiritual energy, a bridge between the spiritual world and ours. In this case, it appears to be some kind of rectoplasm.
DAN SCAVINO: Rectoplasm?
J.D. VANCE: What is it made of?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR HUSBAND: It’s unbelievable! The rectoplasm seems to be 54% Filet-O-Fish sandwich!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Oh, my God! I ate a Filet-O-Fish sandwich last night!
DAN SCAVINO: Jesus!
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR HUSBAND: And it’s also… 28% Taco Bell.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Oh, my God! I ate Taco Bell this morning!
DAN SCAVINO: What does it mean?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR HUSBAND: And it’s 14% its own cum.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Oh, my God! I ate… [chuckling awkwardly] Hey! Pam! Deal with them!
ANNOUNCER: This is a Fox News Super Alert!
NEWS ANCHOR: Two paranormal investigators were indicted today on federal charges of falsifying data. The president said that the bad people manipulated readings and reports to make fake news. The charges were filed by Attorney General Pam Bondi, who said that “the President is a great man, even if he does eat his own semen.” In other news, many people are saying that South Park sucks now. The small mountain town in Colorado has been a hotbed of political activity in recent weeks, and three local Gen Alpha boys are vowing to put a stop to it.
STAN: OK, we’re mooning. We’re mooning… All right, that’s gotta be it. OK, we’re done mooning. I think we’re ready to dump.
[train horn blares]
COUSIN KYLE: OK, sounds good. I’m on the Acela train right now. I should be in DC by 6:30 to meet with Don Jr. Once I get White House approval, we should be able to do the rug pull.
KYLE: I’m out, dude.
STAN: Kyle? Kyle, wait! Dude, you can’t quit now. Do you know how much money we’re about to make?
KYLE: I thought you were sick of the way South Park was going, Stan.
STAN: I am!
KYLE: So then why are you trying to engineer a rug pull in conjunction with the federal government?
STAN: Bro, it’s the world we live in, OK? I mean, at least we’re being men and taking some control. Look at Kenny, he-he’s doing stuff now!
KENNY: [muffled] Yeah, dude, I’m doing stuff!
KYLE: I know it sucks to be living in an old folks home, Stan, but you can’t fix things if you’re only thinking about yourself.
[thunder booming]
[heavy knocking]
[thunder booms]
STEVEN MILLER: Yes?
COUSIN KYLE: Uh, yes, I’m with the South Park Sucks Now cryptocurrency. We’re trying to fuck a bunch of people out of their money. Is Don Jr. around?
STEVEN MILLER: Ah, yes, he’s been expecting you. Do come in.
[door squeaks]
COUSIN KYLE: Oh, Jesus, it’s a little drafty in here.
STEVEN MILLER: You’ll have to excuse the conditions. The master has taken down the East Wing and unleashed a wrath.
BRENDAN CARR: [eerie moaning] [unintelligible groaning]
COUSIN KYLE: Oh, Jesus! It’s a mummy!
STEVEN MILLER: No, no, that’s just the head of the FCC. He’s lost his freedom of speech.
BRENDAN CARR: [mumbles]
STEVEN MILLER: Come. Don Jr. is… this way.
[thunder booms]
[eerie music]
COUSIN KYLE: Thanks so much for taking my meeting, Don Jr. We’ve got an incredible crypto opportunity here and we just need your help taking a big dump.
DON JR.: That sounds really great. There’s nothing I like better than a big crypto dump.
COUSIN KYLE: So sorry I had to bug you this late in the evening, but time really is of the essence here.
[door opens]
PAM BONDI: We need everyone to gather in the dining room. Immediately.
DON JR.: In the dining room? Why?
PAM BONDI: We are going to have a séance. It’s time to confront the spirit here.
COUSIN KYLE: The-the spirit? What spirit?
[line ringing]
KENNY; [muffled speech]
STAN: Yeah, I can see the price is going down. What the hell is he doing?
KENNY: [muffled] He’s not answering?
COUSIN KYLE: Hello, you’ve reached Pump and Dump Crypto Advisors. Let us know how we can help you fuck people over. Just leave a message. [beep]
STAN: Dude, what is going on? Our token’s value totally peaked and it’s starting to go down. Whatever approval you have to get at the White House, we need it now! [beep] God damn it!
KENNY: [muffled speech]
STAN: I don’t know, Kenny, OK? Shut up already!
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
COUSIN KYLE: Oh, Jesus, this is a little creepy. Are we having dinner? I’m allergic to dairy.
PAM BONDI: Everyone, please put your hands on the table.
♪ ♪
PAM BONDI: I am speaking to the entity in this house.
COUSIN KYLE: Is this a good time to talk turkey? I just need to go over some quick business.
PAM BONDI: We know you are sad. We know you are…lonely. But we must ask you to leave our president alone.
♪ ♪
DON JR.: Oh, my God, this is really scary.
PAM BONDI: The President is a great man, and he does not deserve to be tormented like this.
DAN SCAVINO: Pam! Pam!
PAM BONDI: Oh! Oh. Restless spirit, we only wish to communicate!
[thunder booming]
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Holy shit! She’s right fucking there!
COUSIN KYLE: What is that?
PAM BONDI: [moaning] Deception! Deception!
J.D. VANCE: Boss, maybe we should stop this.
PRESIDENT TRUMP: No! I wanna hear what it has to say.
PAM BONDI: [moaning] Epstein!
PRESIDENT TRUMP: Uh, no, no. You’re right. Let’s stop this.
PAM BONDI: You!
[eerie music]
PRESIDENT TRUMP: What? You? What did he do?
PAM BONDI: He lies!
J.D. VANCE: Oh, you fucking bitch!
PAM BONDI: Corruption!
J.D. VANCE: She’s not possessed! Pam Bondi’s trying to get my fucking job!
[thunder booms]
COUSIN KYLE: Oh, I can’t do this!
PAM BONDI: Lies!
BRENDAN CARR: [muttering]
COUSIN KYLE: I gotta get out of here!
♪ ♪
[face screaming]
COUSIN KYLE: Oh, God! Oh!
♪ ♪
COUSIN KYLE: OK! OK! It’s all true! We’ve been dealing in deception and lies! We’ve all been getting filthy rich off of crypto! Oh, Jesus. We’ve lied and we’ve cheated. Crypto’s just a giant money laundering scheme for the rich to get richer. Please don’t haunt us anymore! We’re sorry. We’re all very sorry!
ANNOUNCER: This is a Fox News! Agh! America!
NEWS ANCHOR: A massive crypto fraud has been exposed at the White House, and the perpetrator has been indicted. A ghostly wrath that was unleashed in the East Wing exposed the traitor at a séance last night. The traitor is now behind bars and serving 10 years for fraud. Charges, of course, were once again filed by Pam Bondi, who said, “We will continue to indict anyone who says bad stuff about our amazing president.”
[gentle music]
STAN: I’m sorry, Kyle. I should have listened to you.
♪ ♪
STAN: I guess there just no really going back to the way things used to be.
KYLE: Things will get back, Stan. I know it’s hard to see right now, but things will go back to normal. And in the meantime, we just have to make the most of where we are.
[“If I Didn’t Care” by The Ink Spots]
All right, seniors, just move with the rhythm now.
♪ ♪
♪ If I didn’t care ♪
NURSE: Good! Good, seniors. Nice!
♪ More than words can say ♪
♪ If I didn’t care ♪
♪ Would I feel this way? ♪
♪ If this isn’t love, then why ♪
[theme music]
♪ ♪
