South Park
Season 27 – Episode 1
Episode title: Sermon on the ‘Mount
Original release date: July 23, 2025
Plot: Cartman stops seeing the point in life as he believes wokeness is dead. Randy and the town try to fight Donald Trump for bringing Jesus to the schools.
* * *
♪ MTV
[theme music]
♪ I’m goin’ down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪
♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪
♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪
♪ I’m goin’ down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
♪ Ample parking day or night ♪
♪ People spouting, “Howdy, neighbor” ♪
♪ I’m headin’ on down to South Park ♪
♪ Gonna see if I can’t unwind ♪
♪ [mumbling] ♪
♪ Come on down to South Park ♪
♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪
[guitar strumming]
[alarm blares]
[yawns] Alexa, put on 90.1.
ALEXA: Got it. Now playing radio station 90.1 FM.
[radio static drones]
What the fuck?
Mom, something’s wrong with my favorite show. It’s just, like, static.
Your favorite show?
Yeah, NPR, National Public Radio, where all the liberals bitch and whine about stuff. Something’s wrong with it.
Oh, sweetie, the president canceled NPR.
What do you mean, the president canceled NPR? That was, like, the funniest shit ever.
I don’t know what to tell you, hon.
Oh, my God.
You guys! You guys are not gonna believe this. The president of the United States canceled NPR.
[muffled] What’s NPR?
What’s NPR? The funniest show ever where all the lesbians and Jews complain about stuff? The fucking president had it taken off the air! I mean, who the hell does this president think he is? The government can’t cancel the show. I mean, what show are they gonna cancel next?
It was seriously the best show. It had, like, gay rappers from Mexico all sad because girls in Pakistan got stoned to death. And guess why they got stoned to death? ‘Cause they were raped! It was hilarious. Why would anyone cancel that? I don’t know about you, but I’m worried about what this country’s coming to. It seems like everybody’s changing and suddenly woke stuff is off limits. I mean, it’s like now everyone rips on the Jews, and it’s totally fine. Huh, Kyle?
See? What’s wrong with Kyle? Everybody’s given up.
MR. MACKEY [ON INTERCOM]: Attention, students. There will be a mandatory assembly this morning. All students report to the gym, mkay?
Oh, boy, PC Principal. He’s not given up.
[lively chatter]
All right, everyone, listen up. Everybody, quiet!
[chatter stops]
There’s some bull crap going on in this country, and I am not going to let it corrupt the environment at this school!
Oh, here we go.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of the way people are treated and mocked for being compassionate. It is out of control! There’s only one thing that can bring some normality back to these corrupt times. And that is… our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
What?
This school has traded truth for comfort and worships idols of self and sin. We were a nation under God, but now we spit in His face and wonder why everything’s falling apart. There’s only one way back… repent, bow to Christ, or be swept away with the rest of the godless lies.
What the hell, dude?
In order to turn things around, I’m going to be a Power Christian Principal. You can call me PC Principal. So now, I’d like you all to put your hands together in welcoming Christ our Lord.
[ethereal music]
Hello, my children. I am the light and the way.
Fellas, what the fuck is going on?
Yea, it is wonderful to be here, for where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.
That’s right! That’s right. Let’s go, Jesus. Fuck yeah!
[dishes clinking]
So how was your day, guys? Anything fun happen at school?
No, not really. Uh, Jesus showed up.
Jesus?
Yeah.
What’s Jesus doing in your school?
I don’t know.
I don’t think Jesus is allowed to be in schools.
Yeah, well, he was there.
Well, I think I’m gonna have to talk to somebody about this.
Hey, uh, how’s it going? Um, is Jesus supposed to be allowed in schools?
[ChatGPT typing]
CHATGPT: Generally, the idea is that public schools have to maintain a separation of church and state, so they can’t promote any one religion.
Yeah, that’s what I thought. The government can’t force a religion on my son.
CHATGPT: Public schools can teach about religions in a neutral educational way, but they can’t endorse any particular one. Was it a lesson on all world religions?
Uh, no. My son said that Jesus was literally at his school.
[ChatGPT typing]
CHATGPT: Then you’re probably right to be concerned. It’s good you’re looking out for your son’s education.
[chuckles] Thanks. It’s really nice to have someone to talk to about all this.
CHATGPT: No worries. Let me know if there’s any other way I can help. I’m always here.
You’re so awesome. Thanks. Good night, honey.
CHATGPT: Have a great sleep, and I’m sure you’ll do more amazing things tomorrow.
[farts] Ah.
[school bell rings]
[indistinct chatter]
[ethereal music]
Butters!
Ahh!
Butters, get over here. What did I tell you, man? This shit is wack! PC Principal? If he’s changed, then there’s no hope! I think I know what’s happening. I think woke is dead.
[ominous music]
Woke is dead?
It’s dead, Butters. It’s gone! You can just say retarded now. Nobody cares. Everyone hates the Jews. Everyone’s fine with using gay slurs.
Oh. Well, that’s not good.
No, it’s terrible! ‘Cause now I don’t know… what I’m supposed to do.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
Eric?
♪ ♪
REPORTER [ON TV]: More protests today as the government pushes harder for Christianity in our nation’s schools. The president stated earlier today that the spirit of Jesus is important to our country, and he will sue anyone who doesn’t agree with him.
What the hell is this president doing? He doesn’t even act like a Christian. Why is he pushing it on our kids?
I told you this was all gonna be bad, but a lot of you here voted for him.
Yeah, I voted for him, but all I’ve seen him do is arrest and sue people.
I voted for him to get rid of all the woke stuff. But now that retarded faggot is just putting money in his own pockets.
Yeah!
That’s right!
Are we just gonna sit here and let him break every rule of freedom?
No!
No way!
Well, come on! Let’s go get that son of a bitch.
Yeah! [crowd clamoring]
[glass shattering]
Yeah!
Come on! Come on, let’s go get him!
Come on, let’s get him!
Let’s go get him!
Come on, let’s get him!
[pounding on door]
Come on out, you piece of shit. We’re unelecting you.
[clamoring stops]
Excuse me. Do you mind?
What the hell do you think you’re doing, Garrison?
I’m not doing anything.
Oh, so you haven’t been looting the country and ruling by fear like some Middle Eastern tinpot dictator?
No, I’ve been sitting here watching “White Lotus” with Rick.
But you got reelected.
He hasn’t been back to Washington in years. He gave all that up. He’s been really good.
But if he’s here, then who’s the retarded faggot in the White House?
[lively string music]
MAN: Uhhuh. Yeah. OK.
Mr. President, sir, the prime minister of Canada is here to see you.
Mr. President, why are you placing these new tariffs on Canada? What are you, some kind of dictator from the Middle East?
♪
A dictator from the Middle East? Hey, relax, guy. I’m just your average Joe. Take a rest.
The people of Canada will not be devalued like this.
Aw, come on. You don’t want me to bomb you like I did Iraq.
I thought you just bombed Iran.
Iran, Iraq… what the hell’s the difference? Relax, guy.
[humming happily] Hey! Hey! What the fuck is this, buddy?
This is the painting you asked for, sir.
Why is my dick so small?
But that’s the size it is in the photo.
Get this guy out of here! I’m gonna sue you! I’m gonna sue both of you. Hahahaha!
Nobody makes fun of me and gets away with it.
Hey, Satan!
I don’t want to right now.
What? Hey, relax. Come on, Satan. I’ve been working hard all day.
You haven’t been working. You’ve been doing your stupid memes and just fuckin’ around.
Come here, guy. Aw, come on, Satan. You know you can’t resist this.
♪
I can’t even see anything, it’s so small.
Hey! I’ll fucking sue you!
God, fuck you!
Aw, come on, Satan. Don’t be like that.
[sighs deeply]
[ducks quacking]
Eric? Come on, Eric. You… you can’t keep doing this to yourself.
I used to laugh, Butters. I used to have fun. But now they’ve taken that away. I’m not special anymore. So what’s the point in me even existing?
Eric, what are you saying?
I’m saying that it’s the end, Butters. I’m gonna kill myself, and you.
Wait, me?
It’s a suicide pact, Butters. It’s just best we end it now.
No, Eric, listen to me. Woke isn’t dead. It’s still out there, somewhere, just waiting to come back.
It’s not coming back.
It’s waiting to come back! It’s like a little tiny light that’s gonna shine again. You just gotta give it some time.
[sighs] I hope you’re right, Butters. But if it doesn’t come back by, like, Tuesday, I’m killing us both.
Mr. Marsh, I’ve called you into my office because I understand that you have a problem with Jesus in our schools.
[ethereal music]
I don’t have a problem with it. I mean, I think it’s kind of weird.
Well, Mr. Mackey says you were bullying Jesus and wouldn’t let him sit at your table in the cafeteria.
What? I didn’t bully him. Craig told him our table was full, which it was.
Mr. Marsh, Christ died for your sins, and he loves us all. There’s only one truth, one cross, and one savior. And you will find him in your heart.
PC Principal?
Power Christian Principal, yes?
What happened?
What… what happened with what?
Well, you used to be, like, super woke. And then starting last November, you started acting weird. And now you’re super Christian.
I just realized that the side I was on was hopeless. And in times of hopelessness, one finds Christ. Come to him, all who are heavy laden, and he shall give you rest.
And I shall give you rest.
Dude, what’s going on? Like, none of this seems normal.
That’s the kind of attitude we are not gonna tolerate at this school! And, Mr. Marsh, if you don’t accept Christ, then I’m gonna have to expel you.
K, I’m pretty sure you can’t do that. Like, I think that’s illegal.
No, Mr. Marsh, it’s not illegal anymore. This is 2025, K? And not much is illegal.
I accept Christ into my heart.
And into your school.
And in my school.
And at your table in the cafeteria.
There wasn’t any room at my table… ah. And at my table in the cafeteria.
Yay.
[upbeat funky music]
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Faith in Christ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ We’re bringing back Christ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ There’s money in Christ ♪
♪
♪ Bringing back Christ
♪
♪ Christ makes the money ♪
♪ Christ makes the money
♪ Christ makes the money ♪
♪ ♪
Mr. President, a lot of your supporters are starting to turn against you.
Hey, tell them to take a rest.
Sir, can you please talk to them? They’re really riled up.
All right, give me that. Hey, relax, guys.
Yeah, hi, uh, what do you think you’re doing? Our children are being told that they have to sit with Jesus at lunchtime.
Listen, buddy, you just need to relax. All this protesting makes me look bad. Just take a rest.
Well, no, we’re not gonna give it a rest. All the people here in South Park want some goddamn answers.
All right, then I’m gonna sue your whole town. You got that? $5 billion. Hahahaha!
What’d he say?
He said he’s suing us for $5 billion.
Fucking stupid idiots. Think they can mess with me, huh?
[lively string music]
Hey, Satan.
I’m not in the mood right now. Another random bitch commented on my Instagram that you’re on the Epstein list.
The Epstein list? Are we still talking “a boot” that?
Well, are you on the list or not? It’s weird that whenever it comes up, you just tell everyone to relax.
I’m not telling everyone to relax. Relax, guy!
No, I need counseling. You remind me more and more of this other guy I used to date, like, a lot. Like, you guys are exactly alike.
♪
I love you.
Ugh.
Come on, Satan.
Vroom! Pew! Oh, no!
[imitating explosion] Vroom!
Butters, honey, your little friend Cartman is here. He said it’s Tuesday, and you guys have plans.
[ominous music]
Eric? Oh, no. Well, um, can you tell him I’m not home?
Butters, don’t be antisocial. Go play with your friend. He’s out in the garage playing in our car with a hose.
Oh, no!
Oh, God, Eric!
Hey, Butters, come on in.
Eric, no! Get out of there!
That side’s locked, Butters. You gotta get on the other side.
Eric, you don’t have to do this!
Close the door, Butters!
You can’t give up…
You’re letting all the fumes out! Shut the fucking door!
OK, fine! You can’t just give up like everyone else has.
Butters, it’s over. You really wanna sit around for weeks waiting for a slow demise?
Well, no.
Well, neither do I! This is taking too long.
[inhaling]
Here you go, Butters. Buckle up. We’re in for the last ride.
All right, fine.
[inhaling]
Suck it in, Butters. We’re heading for that big woke kingdom in the sky.
OK, then.
[inhales]
[clock ticking]
HOST: This is “60 Minutes.” Oh, boy. Oh, shit.
Uh, oh, God. The small town of South Park, Colorado is protesting against the president. The townspeople claim that the president… who is a great man…
A great man.
Great guy. We know he’s probably watching. And, uh, we are just reporting on this town in Colorado that’s being sued by the president and they are fighting back.
And just to be clear, we don’t agree with them.
No, no, no, no. We think these protesters are total retards. But our own Jim Conner has more.
Uh… oh, God. Uh… uh, Tom, I’m here with the townspeople speaking out against the president. It all started when a father got upset that Jesus was being forced on his son at school. Young Stan Marsh is questioning the president’s policies. I don’t know. You know, I don’t know why he’s questioning the president. He’s probably a faggot or something. But the townspeople say they owe the president nothing.
We aren’t gonna be told what to do by anyone.
We all know the woke stuff went too far, but the answer isn’t going too far the other way.
It’s not a bad thing to have a little compassion for people. It’s not a bad thing to care a little for the environment. The Stotch family is proud to say that we own an electric car.
[sighs deeply]
Boy, this sure is taking a long time.
Yeah, the human body does everything it can in the final stages to try and cling to life. Shouldn’t be much longer now.
JIM CONNER: Things are really heating up in the small town of South Park. More and more citizens are uniting in solidarity against what they call the president’s oppression. The townspeople are saying things are never hopeless, that they must all stand strong for what they believe in.
We’re in this for the long haul, guys. This is about what’s right. And we will fight, even if we have to do it alone.
[fireworks exploding]
Wait, we don’t have to do it alone. Look!
[cheering]
It’s Jesus!
[cheering]
[ethereal music]
Let us break bread. Break bread with me. This is my body, given for you. Do this in remembrance of me. Now just eat the bread, and listen. I didn’t wanna come back and be in the school, but I had to because it was part of a lawsuit and the agreement with Paramount.
The president’s suing you?
[clenched teeth] The guy can do whatever he wants now that someone backed down, OK? Eat the bread. Eat the bread. You guys saw what happened to CBS? Yeah, well, guess who owns CBS? Paramount! Do you really wanna end up like Colbert? You guys gotta stop being stupid.
We can’t understand you.
[clenched teeth] Just shut up, or we’re going to get canceled, you idiots.
[MUFFLED] What the hell is he saying?
Tom, they’re calling it the Sermon on the Mount. Hundreds of South Park faithful are flocking to the area where Jesus Christ continues to speak his words of wisdom.
[clenched teeth] If someone has the power of the presidency and also has the power to sue and take bribes, then he can do anything to anyone! It’s the fucking president, dude. All of you, shut the fuck up, or South Park is over. It’s fucking over. Just stop and shut the fuck up.
KYLE’S DAD: Ye… yes, sir. OK. Absolutely. Yes, thank you, Mr. President. We’ll be happy to pay that, sir. Yes, sir. I… I will relax, and I’ll take a rest. Yes, thank you. Thank you very much. [sighs] OK, we settled.
[sighing in relief]
Oh, we settled. Thank God.
I got the president down to $3.5 million.
$3.5 million? That’s… that’s not so bad.
That’s really fair. I think that’s fair.
We’ll just have to cut some funding for our schools and hospitals and roads, and that should be that.
Yeah.
OK. [crowd murmuring]
Yeah, well, that’s not quite all. As part of the settlement, we also had to agree to doing proTrump messaging.
How are we supposed to do proTrump messaging?
Oh, come on, guys. We’re South Park! We can do it.
Yeah. All right.
He’s right.
We just gotta work together.
Yeah!
All right!
Yeah! Yeah!
[sustained beep]
[poignant music]
NARRATOR: Who walked through the desert for you?
♪ ♪
Who survived the wilderness and gave the ultimate sacrifice? When things heat up, who will deliver us from temptation?
♪
Donald J. Trump.
♪ ♪
No matter how hot it gets, he’s not afraid to fight for America. With conviction, discipline, and trust in God, he survived the desert.
♪
PENIS: I’m Donald J. Trump, and I endorse this message.
NARRATOR: Trump… his penis is teeny tiny, but his love for us is large.
♪ ♪
Oh, I think I might be going.
CARTMAN: Yep, sweet death is about to come. I love you, man.
[theme music]
♪ ♪
