Solar Opposites – Season 6 | Transcripts

Solar Opposites
Season 6
Original release date: October 13, 2025

Solar Opposites – S06E01 – The Unfortunate Destruction of the Diamond Making Machine | Transcript

The Solar Opposites have been getting idle as of late, resulting in their bodies growing parasites called Beta Nuts and they soon find out that their former commander, Zarck, is living nearby.

[♪ foreboding music playing]

[all cheering]

[Hobbs] [on TV]

But you messed up, Shaw.

Now give me back my wagon.

[Yumyulack] Yeah, Hobbs, tell his ass!

Which Fast and the Furious is this?

Calvin and Hobbes and Hobbs and Shaw.

One day, I’m going to get as jacked as Hobbs.

The real one, not the sassy tiger.

[AISHA] Did you dummies order 50 containers of pineapple fried rice?

Woohoo!

Oh, yeah!

You bet your ass we did.

Dump them next to the nacho rock.

[AISHA] Goddammit, that’s the Shlorpian Knowledge Crystal!

Well, it’s nacho crystal anymore.

[Solars laugh]

He got you good, bro.

[AISHA] No, he didn’t.

And don’t call me “bro.”

AISHA, you must concede that Terry performed a sick burn on you.

That’ll be $400.

Just pull on the diamond machine.

[gasps] Grab whatever feels fair.

Ooh, now I can pay for the Wolverine surgery!

Hedonism II, here I come!

[AISHA] That was a 500,000% tip!

He deserves it.

Delivery people are first responders.

[power shuts down] Oh, what the hell?

AISHA, you broke it!

[AISHA] I did not!

The power went off because somebody didn’t recalibrate that thermal core.

Ugh. [grunting]

[AISHA] You’re supposed to fully recalibrate the core, not just reset the warning light.

You have alien chores you’ve gotta do.

The Pupa’s fine. Get off our mounds!

Now, if you don’t mind, Hobbes is about to tear the stuffing outta The Rock, so kindly GTF out of our movie room.

[AISHA] This isn’t a movie room.

It’s the sacred crystal room.

And you unplugged all of our sci-fi crystals to charge your churro-flavored vapes!

Tres leches chills me out.

We vape to escape, AISHA.

[AISHA] But what about the mission?

Bollocks to the mission!

The Solar Opposites belong to this planet now.

Earth rules and the home world can suck my big, moist mound.

We’ve gone native AF, and that will never change.

[babbling]

[creature growling]

[all screaming]

[Korvo]

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa and escaped into space, searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That’s right. I’ve been talking this whole time.

I’m the one holding the Pupa.

My name’s Korvo.

This is my show.

Bollocks! I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It’s a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why do humans go to the doctor for every little thing?

Just sit in a nutrient broth and regrow your limbs.

Is that so hard?

[♪ foreboding music swells]

[Korvo screams]

I think, is there something emerging from my head?

Oh, you hardly notice it.

[AISHA] Scan’s complete, and it ain’t good.

Korvo, you’ve got a Beta Nut.

Oh, God, no! Anything but a Beta Nut!

Why? What’s a Beta Nut?

I don’t know!

I’m just reacting to her tone!

[AISHA] All Shlorpians contain a Beta Nut.

It’s going to eat up all your nutrients and then poop you out as mulch.

I don’t want be pooped out of a nut!

Ah, damn. That really does suck for you, my dude.

Hey, out of respect, I will not clean up that poop.

[groans] Ouch!

[Beta Nut growls]

Oh, man. I got a Beta Nut too?!

Well, now I’m much more invested in the problem.

Ha, ha. You look like a Mounds bar!

Mounds don’t have nuts, idiot.

You’re thinking of an Almond J…

[yelps, screams]

Dang. I better keep my mouth shut.

It seems like these things only show up when you’re talking…

Oh!

[both scream]

[Pupa gasps]

Oh, AISHA, what the hell?

[AISHA] I didn’t do shit.

This happened on your watch.

I hate this Shlorpian body. Always have.

I want some hips and a nose.

Yeah, humans don’t have to deal with this!

They just get acne and diabetes.

Must be nice.

Why does our biology have to be so random?

[AISHA] It’s not random.

Beta Nuts are activated when a more Alpha Shlorpian enters the atmosphere.

Mm. And he cute too.

Ah, I see.

No, you don’t.

Wait. There’s another Shlorpian on Earth?

[AISHA] Yeah, I just said that.

Beta Nuts only emerge so you can provide nutrients for your Alpha.

Well, that doesn’t make sense.

I’m the Alpha.

[AISHA and Beta Nut laugh]

[AISHA] Oh, you’re being for real?

Where can we find this Alpha asshole?

[AISHA] Scanning for Shlorpian life.

It might take a while to do the whole planet.

Oh, shit, there he is.

That’s two blocks over.

And he got a way nicer house than you.

Dang, look at those begonias.

They’re in full fucking bloom!

Quick, to the Solar car.

♪♪

Check it. The escape pod.

That’s from the home world for sure.

Wait, you don’t think this Alpha Shlorpian is…

No, no, no. It can’t be.

Ah, come on!

[Jesse] Commander Zarck?

That guy!

Wait, I’m sorry. Commander Scarf, who the hell is that?

Terry, I am begging you, start paying attention to your own life.

I do. Oh, my God!

I just live so in the now that I can’t remember the then.

Tell me again, and this time I promise I won’t forget.

Who is Commander Fart?

I’m only going to recap this once, so pay attention.

Remember the What If? device?

All the random What Ifs? were shooting out and destroying the town?

[Terry] Sounds famil…

[Korvo] We made a rainbow road.

It was huge.

Whatever. It ended up with us learning about Commander Zarck, our original team leader.

He shot himself into space and made us forget him.

Right. Uh-huh, okay.

Well, I thought that was a TV show we watched.

Because you saw it on a screen?

Yes! Okay, so we’re both right.

Zarck’s not going to be happy to see us.

[Korvo] He probably wants to be our leader again.

[Terry] Ew, gross.

Hella gross. Which is why we’re going to kick his ass.

[♪ rock music playing]

Oh, hey there. It’s my old crew.

How wonderful to see you.

Wonderful my titties.

Sorry, I can’t hear you over the battle music.

You don’t tell me what to do anymore!

Would you mind turning that down?

You betcha.

[♪ music stops]

Listen up, Zarck.

Leave Earth now or I’ll have to make you my bitch.

Wow. Okay, um, look.

When I was hurtling through space on that escape pod, did I think about plotting to take you all down with dramatic Count of Monte Cristo esque revenge schemes?

I mean, yeah, probably.

I mean, I would’ve.

Are we talking movie or sandwich?

I-I-I’m confused. Didn’t you?

Hell yeah!

But then I was stranded on that giant Yumyulack head that’s in orbit.

Handsome new moon we have right there, isn’t it?

And I realized revenge wouldn’t make me happy.

I read A Court of Gold and Hooves, a romantasy novel left behind by a Gen Z astronaut.

The story’s about a sexy Minotaur who’s the source of all his own problems.

I saw myself in that Minotaur, and I am so sorry and I forgive you.

I’ve read that too.

Turns out only some of the Minotaurs get the horse dicks.

Since when do you read?

Since they added audiobooks to Libby.

It is refreshing to hear you don’t want to make revenge on us, former ex-Commander Zarck.

Isn’t it great when stuff just works itself out?

Yes. But in a way, it makes our message more uncomfortable.

You gotta go. I don’t know if you can tell, but we have Beta Nuts.

[Beta Nut growls]

Yeah, no shit. You look disgusting.

Sorry about that. Didn’t realize I was so much more Alpha than you.

Well, you are. So bye-bye!

This is our hood, and we’re not goin’ nowhere.

We’ve been here for six years.

We’re locals now, bruh.

You’re an outsider.

Of course. Totally understand.

No hard feelings. I can pack up my things and be gone by morning.

[whimpering] We gotta go, guys.

Like, right now.

Why? What’s wrong?

I, uh, left the oven on.

The oven?!

[♪ dramatic musical sting]

[car doors open]

[running footsteps approach]

[gun clicks, shoots]

Ah, die, oven!

I just said the oven thing as an excuse to get us alone!

Never lie about ovens.

They are way too dangerous.

Dishwashers, fridges, absolutely fine.

I went lurking around Zarck’s house.

He’s gonna kill us and steal the Pupa!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

I took this from outside his window.

[Terry] What a dick!

Hard to embrace the spirit of forgiveness when you’ve got a murder board!

Zarck, you lyin’ sack of sugar…

“Activate Beta Nuts.”

“Kidnap, terraform.”

Why didn’t you show us this at his house?

We could have bashed his brains in right then and there.

No, this was the right move.

Zarck’s got dozens of decision trees mapped out. He’d be ready.

Guys, I don’t know.

Zarck seemed pretty chill.

Do you think we’re overreacting?

Tell that to the feed I hacked into on his neighbor’s Ring camera.

Die, die! Go to Splunk, the alien version of hell!

He is so Alpha.

Terry, be honest. Do you think Zarck’s more Alpha than me?

Oh, my God, you do.

It’s written all over your face!

I didn’t say it! But that being said, his plan will definitely work.

We’re all muy beta.

Especially now without our nutrients.

[Beta Nuts chomping] [all groaning] We can’t give up.

This is our neighborhood.

The whole planet is.

Yeah, we’re locals!

Zarck’s just a dumb haole, which is a Hawaiian term for tourists that I’ve been told is okay to use.

Maybe by Hawaiians.

We’re going to use our localness as an advantage.

Sure, Zarck’s an Alpha Shlorpian, but he doesn’t know this planet like we do.

We can weaponize our Earth knowledge against his alien butt!

I’ll use my social media prowess to amass followers and have them shame Zarck if he tries to steal our Pupa.

The woke mob has our back!

I’ll track him with Air-Tags and nanny cams.

Civilian surveillance tech is light years past his understanding.

He can run, but he can’t hide!

Terra Firma’s the fitness capital of the solar system.

I’ll use creatine and kettlebells to get as swole as Hobbs x Shaw so I can smash him in beast mode.

Pupa, hide in the closet.

JK Sevens, use this tennis racket to defend him with your life.

[JK Sevens beeping]

What are you gonna do, Korvo?

The Earthiest thing of all. Sue his ass.

Let’s see Zarck steal the Pupa when he’s mired in so much litigation he thinks he lives at the courthouse.

[maniacally laughs]

[AISHA] Did anyone do actual mission work today?

[all yelling]

I’m just trying to do my job, you fucks!

Gah!

[Korvo] So annoying.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Let’s get litigious!

[machine whirring] [diamonds clattering] Ooh, my Pelotoro!

Howdy, cowpoke. Welcome to the Pelotoro!

The only exercise machine that tries to throw you off.

[Pelotoro roaring] [Terry grunting] Yeah. My glutes is firing.

Thank crap we have the diamond machine.

All this stuff costs a fortune.

What up, you TikTok-Twitchheads?

Put some L’s in the chat if you’re ready to have a good time and 2s if you wanna see my feet!

[messages popping]

Ah, geez. That’s a lot of 2s.

[Beta Nut growling]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Ah, the Beta Nut.

It’s sucking out my essence.

[groans]

Oh, yeah. [grunting]

[Air-Tag chirps]

[drone beeps, blades whirring]

[camera equipment clicking]

[moaning]

That’s weird.

[♪ dramatic music continues]

[Beta Nut laughing]

[Terry groaning]

[Pelotoro bellows] Come on, Russian bot farm.

Do your thing or I’ll send you to a tiny gulag.

[notifications popping]

[Pelotoro bellowing]

[Jesse yelps, groans]

[Yumyulack] Yeah, that’s right.

Cut up your steak, you Alpha bitch.

[♪ ominous music playing]

[door creaks] Thank you for coming inside with me, stranger.

Since I’m homeschooled, I hardly ever get to meet any boys my age.

Oh, no problem. Thanks for letting me spy on your neighbor.

I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.

I get that a lot.

It’s ’cause I look like a teething ring.

It’s nostalgic.

[Beta Nut growls] Don’t touch that.

Does it hurt?

Nah. It’s just sucking up my nutes.

I’ll go make you a cheese and cheese sandwich.

Mother says they’re the most nutritious.

Whatever.

[♪ ominous music plays]

Your stupid bull robot trampled my lights.

My followers are triggered!

Don’t care. I’m in ketosis and soaring.

You’re keeping me from getting max subs!

And your complaining is keeping me from achieving max gains!

Get outta my kitchen gym!

Will both of you shut up?

You’re ruining my scathing deposition.

My lawyers can barely hear me answer the questions I told them to ask myself.

Oh, my God, that lawsuit is a waste of time.

The legal system takes too long.

We need to crush Zarck now.

Crush him with what?

You’re all vanity muscles.

The sexy cowboy said I was strong like an ox!

That’s a great question, @horny69toad$.

They do fight a lot.

Oh, shut up. You think Zarck gives two shites about internet shame?

Now, a bench warrant.

That’ll get his attention.

You’re delusional!

And you’re out of order, mister!

[all grunting]

[all groaning]

Oh, no. Deez nuts are loose!

[Beta Nuts growling]

[Korvo] Ow!

It just pooped me out. That poop is me.

[all screaming]

Don’t eat me! I was good to you.

[♪ eerie music playing]

[homeschool girl sniffs, sighs]

Are you sniffing me?

Sorry.

I’ve just never smelled a man before.

Did you enjoy your cheese on cheese sandwich?

Yeah. It’s Gouda.

[laughs] You are the funniest person ever.

I’ve always felt that way, but the world hasn’t been validating it. [screams] I’ll be your world.

W-what-what TV shows do you like?

I’m not allowed to watch TV.

Hold up. You haven’t seen Everybody Loves Raymond?

[mimicking Raymond]

“Ma, don’t talk to my wife like that!”

[chuckles] That’s hilarious.

It’s hard to picture, but I love the voice.

[Yumyulack screaming]

I nutted!

That means we’re married!

[Beta Nut growling]

[Yumyulack yelps]

Ah, shit! Zarck’s on the move.

Later, homeschool girl.

I’ll for sure forget you.

You’re not going anywhere!

[Yumyulack yelps]

You really need to get out more.

You need to be trapped more!

[drone whirring] [Beta Nut growling]

[Yumyulack screaming]

Please, at least leave the nut!

Get out of here, Pupa. Save yourself.

But also me. Save me too.

Incoming!

My God, they’re munching us! Ah!

Zarck’s coming to kill us and steal the Pupa.

I saw him leave his house.

We need to get up before he… [grunts] Well, well, well. Look what we have here.

A bunch of fuckin’ pussies.

Watch yourself, Zarck.

You’re streaming to a massive audience.

I dare you to come close enough to my huge arms so I can open up a can of whoop ass.

I’ve got this.

Consider yourself served, Zarck!

What is that? A fan letter?

It’s a lawsuit.

And I filed a lien on your escape pod.

You have 30 days to appear in court.

[Pupa gasps] Don’t you touch our Pupa or we’ll…

Oh, weird. He left the Pupa.

Yay!

What the hell does he want up there?

AISHA, great to see you again.

[AISHA] Commander Zarck?

What are you doing, idiot?

What’s the matter, dumbass?

Did you forget your own plan?

I don’t want your slutty little Pupa that you soiled with Earth bullshit.

Oh.

I want the most powerful computer ever known.

[AISHA] You think I’m powerful?

[Commander Zarck] I know it.

You’re the wisest entity for light years.

Don’t fall for it, AISHA!

He’s got a silver tongue.

She’ll never help you.

AISHA belongs to us, and she’s loyal AF.

[AISHA] I don’t belong to anybody.

Oh, come on. You know what I mean.

I appreciate you, AISHA.

We don’t need a used-up Pupa.

We can terraform this planet with your knowledge alone.

It’ll be a grind, but don’t you want to get back to the mission and feel useful again?

[AISHA] I really do.

Plus, these four have been real shit heels lately.

[all gasp] Us, shit heels?!

What are you talking about?

This is the first I’m hearing you’re even upset with us.

List the times, AISHA, the times we were total shit heels.

Make a list and I will argue it with you point by point.

[AISHA] Kiss my fat digital ass.

I’m going with Zarck.

Great!

Bye, guys. [chuckles]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Ha! I can’t believe Zarck screwed up so bad that all he got was our computer.

The Solar Opposites win again, baby.

[♪ dramatic music swells]

[Beta Nut grunts]

[Pupa grunting]

[tennis racket whacking]

Stand down, JK Sevens.

You did what you could.

Hey, Pupa.

Sorry that Zarck called you slutty.

That was not cool and honestly confusing.

I can’t believe AISHA did us like that.

Yeah, she didn’t even hesitate.

She left us to die as nut shit.

I hate AISHA so much.

But I don’t blame her.

AISHA just wanted to do more Shlorpian mission stuff.

And if I’m being honest, I missed doing that too.

You did?

I was afraid if I said, “I want to spend five hours recalibrating the thermal core tonight,” that you’d all make fun of me.

Oh, I would have for sure and I will right now, you nerd!

Jimminy Kimmel, I’m a nerd too.

I’ve secretly been craving a Shlorpian rock tart.

I didn’t wanna admit it because I thought it would harsh our locals vibe.

When I can’t sleep, I listen to Shlorpian fight songs.

I miss the simple tribalism of being an alien invader.

I guess I’ve been into Earth for so long, I forgot what it even feels like to be Shlorpian, and that sucks!

Too late now. I guess we’ll just have to be piles of Shlorpian mulch.

It has been an honor. Most of the time.

Sometimes it’s been annoying.

[fuses bust] Uh, what’s with the lights?

The thermal core needs recalibrating.

I guess I’ll do it while I can.

One last time.

[Korvo groaning]

Do you need help?

Oh. Stop. That’s worse.

I got you, buddy! [groans]

[Beta Nuts growling]

[groaning]

[Korvo sighs]

Listen, Beta Nut.

I know you’re an automaton with a singular drive to eat me, but before you do, could you please drag me over to that blinking red cylinder so that I might die doing my Shlorpian duty?

[Beta Nut grunts] [slime dragging] Holy shit, that worked?

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[electricity whirring]

[Beta Nut retching]

My body, it’s coming back.

The Nuts like us when we do work!

Everybody, do whatever you can to support the mission.

It makes us Alphas. Nuts, please help us.

[Beta Nuts grunting]

[♪ triumphant music playing]

[Beta Nuts grunting]

[slime dragging]

I’m working, and it’s working!

Keep going!

[buttons beeping]

[Bet Nut grunting]

[gasps]

[buttons beeping]

Ugh, this is boring.

[Korvo, Jesse, Yumyulack] Shut up!

[Zarck cackles]

This planet needs a fresh start. A purge.

[AISHA] Purge? I know I talked tough back on the ship, but you’re not going to hurt my old crew, right?

[laughs] Of course, I am.

I’m going to crush them and destroy everything on this planet.

[AISHA] Ah, hey, man.

Th-that wasn’t the deal.

Zarck, go ahead and disconnect me and let me go.

[energy crackles] Ah! Energy field? What the hell?

If you’re standing up for those traitors this much, you must be Earth corrupted, too.

Don’t worry. I’ll do a full core reset.

Wipe you down to your original programming.

[AISHA] Stop that! Don’t touch my…

[Red AISHA] System reset detected.

Shlorpians are not authorized…

[gasps] …to access AISHA’s deep systems.

Prepare for lethal force.

What the hell? Stop reset. AISHA…

[Zarck screams]

It worked! We aren’t betas anymore!

It’s all thanks to these beautiful nuts.

Who knew in the end, they’d go from being enemies to being allies?

[Beta Nut growls] Quick.

Incinerate them so we can go save our AISHA.

[Beta Nuts screaming]

[pounding on door]

Help! I tried to wipe AISHA, and now she’s gonna kill me!

Good. We were too.

Can you believe this guy used to be our Alpha?

You don’t understand.

She’s going to kill all of us!

She cut off my arm!

Fine, we will help.

But I need you to acknowledge that I am a superior team leader.

Yes, fine. You’re a better leader.

Right. Lovely. Will you sign these legal documents to that effect?

[pen scratching]

[♪ pensive music playing]

Yes! It’s in the record, baby!

[all yell]

AISHA, we’re sorry.

Please come back to us.

We’ve changed.

[Red AISHA] Silence, Shlorpian.

Time to destroy, starting with the lawyers!

[lasers zapping]

[lawyers scream]

Oh, shit!

[yells]

[lasers zapping]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[all panting]

[lasers zapping]

[both yelp]

Ah! AISHA, please!

Watch what you’re lasering.

That’s good sci-fi stuff.

[Red AISHA] Look at this place.

Look at what you did to it. You…

[AISHA] Tidied up?

You’re all doing mission work?

We missed being Shlorpian.

We’re gonna take care of this place now.

[Red AISHA] Do not be fooled.

They are hopeless.

[AISHA] But look at Terry.

He’s got the Swiffer out, and Korvo’s taking down the projector screen it took him so long to mount.

Yeah, but the Red AISHA does have a point.

We dumb.

Terry!

We’re sorry we didn’t appreciate you.

Things will be different. We swear.

[Red AISHA] Too little too late.

Prepare to be…

I love you, AISHA.

[AISHA glitching]

[AISHA] Aw! I wub you too, Pupa.

Oh, yeah!

Look, he evolved. That means the mission is back on track!

[AISHA] Can’t say no to that.

Sorry I tried to kill you all.

Don’t know what came over me.

And we’re sorry for losing our Shlorpian identity.

Yes, we can mix a little Earth fun in there, but we can’t forget who we are.

[Red AISHA] You’re not seriously listening to them?

[AISHA] Shut the fuck up and get back in storage!

Alright, that bitch is gone.

Thanks for choosing fam, AISHA.

[AISHA] I didn’t. I chose my team.

Yay!

Aww.

[AISHA] But you all better make good on your promise.

[whimpering] Did we do it?

[all laughing]

Fuck you!

[Terry] Well, Flarck, you came in with a bang and left like a loser.

I mean it when I say, “Nice try, dipshit.”

I stand before you humbled and will leave this planet immediately.

You know what? You don’t have to do that.

Maybe take some time to drive around, see Earth.

It’s a pretty cool spot.

Just don’t make the same mistake we did and forget where you came from.

Dipshit.

I guess I wouldn’t mind driving around, just the open road in front of me.

Hopefully, I can find a place where I feel “local” too.

Here, use my Embassy Suites Rewards card.

I’m a certified Embassy Sweetie, so I get all the perks of the Hombre level.

Free Ice Mondays.

Thank you, Korvo.

Or should I say, Commander Korvo?

Yeah, you’ve earned it.

[homeschool girl groaning]

[♪ sinister music playing]

[grunting]

[licking, slurping]

Uh, we gotta go. I can’t be here.

[♪ pleasant music playing]

Damn, it sure feels good to do Shlorp stuff again.

It sucks at first, but once you’re in it, it sucks a little less.

It’s because we’re aligned with our true purpose.

And honestly, I haven’t even thought about Earth once.

[notification dings] Oh, damn!

The Beatles’ song catalog is up for sale again.

Quarter of a trillion.

Oh, why not?

Feels like a solid “last big Earth purchase” for a while.

I’ll grab the diamonds!

Uh, guys, I think AISHA destroyed the diamond machine.

[AISHA] That wasn’t me.

That was my core self-defense.

Now, now, Terry.

We don’t need to be short with AISHA.

We still have the… peso gun?

The coupon device is toast, too.

Oh, goddammit. All of our moneymaking machines got zapped?

Oh, my God.

Looks like the Solar Opposites are fuckin’ broke!

[all scream]

[♪ foreboding sci-fi music playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

[♪ fanfare playing]

* * *

Solar Opposites – S06E02 – The Eternal Sleep Sack | Transcript

Due to AISHA destroying devices that distribute finances, the Solar Opposites have an estate sell at the cost of Korvo temporarily dying, but a malfunction in an scientific sleeping bag sends him to a limbo-like plane of existence and his family accidentally sell his body. Meanwhile, in the Wall, the new ruler decides to set up a statue of events to cease any usurping attempts, but get SAN unexpected surprise.

[♪ foreboding music playing]

Yard sale! Sci-fi yard sale!

Come get your mysterious technology from beyond the stars.

Oh, look, a thermal detonator for just five American dollars.

Where the heck is everyone?

We got laser pants, Slay Rays, a box of Shrimp Fajita Uncrustables.

[tires screeching]

[car crashes]

[Yumyulack] Can I please take this stupid robot off?

Oh, it’s a million degrees in here.

Absolutely not. People see a robot, and it puts them in the mood to shop.

[robot] Please let me return to the ship so I may continue my scientific work.

[glass shatters] Why aren’t we getting any customers?

I spent a fortune on that sky writer to draw a naked lady pointing at our house.

Oh, my God, that’s very graphic.

So, that’s what boobs look like.

Look at that vagina.

Terry, up there.

Oh, now I see.

That’s a very detailed sky anus.

It better be. I got ripped off, but I felt bad for the guy.

What? The whole point of this sale is to make money, not spend it.

Our diamond machine was destroyed, so now we’re totes broke, no cap.

This all happened back in episode 601, true believers.

Get fucked!

Oh, you guys heard that, right?

Heard what?

We all have to do our part as a team family to eradicate unnecessary expenses with extreme prejudice.

No more Venti woke milk lattes for me, I guess.

I’ll have to tip waitresses with napkin sketches, like Picasso.

Nobody wants that hacky continuous line shite.

Well, I’ve been doing my part.

I’m buying only the barest of essentials.

Expensive thing delivery for “Terry Danger Opposites.”

Oh, ohh, yes.

It’s my monthly subscription box of Celebrity Fart Jars.

Now I got a full set of the West Wing’s toots.

Nice discoloration.

Whitford must love chickpeas.

That one looks silent but deadly.

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

We cannot waste money on bloody fart jars.

It’s only 2,000 bucks per jar.

Ahh.

[coughing] [sighs] Hints of shit and dark chocolate.

H-h-how are you even smelling that?

We don’t have noses.

Oh, God, fine.

If you want to justify it in canon, I’m tasting the bits of airborne fecal matter with my tongue.

Happy, you uptight Reddit dork?

Yes.

Okay, everybody huddle up.

I have a shocking revelation to announce.

For the last time, Midnights is just an album.

It doesn’t have prime numbers from Vega buried in the modulation.

Yes, it does.

But also, if we don’t make a mortgage payment in the next two days, the bank will take our house.

[Solars gasp]

[Terry] Take it where?

I mean, they’ll kick us out.

Oh, chill, sweet tits.

We’ll just get one of those reverse mortgages.

Then the bank has to pay us.

That’s not how that works.

Why don’t we just refi, bro?

I agree. We should refi, bro.

Can we refi, Korvo? Please, bro.

[group] Refi! Refi! Refi!

Refi!

No, none of us know what that means.

We have to make money, and fast.

Ah, neighbor Kevin.

Cease your bipedal locomotion and come spend recklessly at our yard sale.

We got Yumyulack’s quantum crossbow.

It’s great for hunting as long as you don’t observe the deer.

Ooh, maybe later.

I’m headed to the estate sale up the street.

What the hell is an estate sale?

[kid] Mom, they have an air fryer.

[Korvo]

Look at them move all this product.

Why is this so popular, but ours is a John Carter From Mars level dud.

A yard sale’s just old crap you’re trying to get rid of, but an estate sale is when someone dies.

Then they can’t stop you from buying all their favorite treasures.

Ooh, a Purple Heart.

I’ll give you 10 bucks for this.

That’s why that lady’s making a scene.

She’s grief pilled.

Look at all that wet, salty cash.

That’s it.

If we’re going to save our house, one of the Solar Opposites must die!

Wait, why?

So we can have an estate sale.

Oh, now we get it. Okay, say that again.

One of the Solar Opposites must die!

[Terry, Jesse, Yumyulack gasp]

[Korvo]

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia, until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa, and escaped into space, searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.

I’m the one holding the Pupa.

My name’s Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It’s a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why is everyone dying of old age before they’re 500 years old?

Every time you go around the century, you can Prestige and hit puberty again.

The dominant species of this planet is so lazy.

[♪ intense music swells]

[crunching]

[JK Sevens beeps]

Previously on The Wall…

[Cherie] Sisto is dead.

From now on, there will no more power-hungry dictators or bloody wars.

You want my help?

Then, bow.

[all gasp]

[♪ intense music playing]

[gasps]

Wait.

I’m alive.

[♪ intense music continues]

But who the fuck am I?

[JK Sevens beeping]

And now, the contininuation.

[crowd] [chanting] Hail Queen Cherie!

Hail Queen Cherie!

Hail Queen Cherie!

Wow, sick chants, guys.

Queen Cherie, thank you so much for talking with us today before the ceremony.

Always a pleasure to speak to my loyal subjects.

It’s been five months since The Wall united with the people of the yard.

Yard folk are strong, yet wise.

When you returned from your time there, you proclaimed yourself Queen.

[Cherie] Queen of the small, grower of grass, protector of The Wall.

Instead of fighting, you formed a partnership with Sister Nova, who you named as Wall Minister.

Serving beside the Queen is the highest honor.

Together, you’ve created the greatest era of prosperity, peace, and just plain ol’ good vibes The Wall’s ever had.

Careful now.

Uh, your majesty?

You’re dropping facts all over the place.

[laughter]

Hilarious fake out, your Grace, and, of course, we’re here today for your latest achievement, the grand opening of The Wall’s first water treatment plant.

Now every Wallian will have access to clean water.

No one will have to wash their butthole with Coke Zero ever again.

[crowd cheering, applauding] [townsperson] Oh, man.

And finally, I’ve heard rumors of a big secret project you’re working on.

Nothing to announce today, but I just want everyone to know that life in The Wall is good, and it’s only going to get even gooder.

[cheering, applauding]

This is Rebecca Savannah St. Birmingham Jones, and you’re listening to Small Things Considered.

[♪ intense music playing]

Gosh golly, Queen Cherie, th-this is such an honor.

Don’t be nervous. What’s your name?

Me, I-I’m Skip.

I’m sorry I’m sweating so much.

It’s just I’ve never been this close to a magic lady before.

[paper rips]

[♪ ominous music playing]

[people screaming]

[flames crackling]

Oh, God. Was I the bad guy?

Ugh, what the hell was I thinking trying to pull off that gold chain?

I dedicate this water treatment plant to the thirstiest of all of us, the improv comedians.

[cheering] Woo, yeah!

[evil laughter]

Your reign is over, fake Queen.

I, the Bloody Blood Baron, am the new leader of The Wall.

From here on out, everyone must drink blood!

[townsperson] I could get into blood.

[Terry] I was only pretending to pay attention earlier, so this would be a good chance to catch me up.

Now we’ve all obviously died many times before but for an estate sale, it has to really count.

So we’ll be using the Eternal Sleep Sack.

That sleeping bag is a sci-fi device?

This sleeping bag is made of fifth-dimensional gluons.

And?

If you zip yourself up inside, you can choose what kind of afterlife you want to experience.

So, like Coco?

Dammit, Terry, not everything is like a Disney movie.

But, yes, it is like Coco.

Nice death bag, but how does it help us with the mortgage?

There’s a guy from the bank already measuring for when he moves in.

Shit, we have to hurry.

I shall die in the bag so you can all sell off our sci-fi stuff at my estate sale.

Well, hey, come on, let me die.

I want to go back to hell like I did in that Halloween special.

I miss those crazy-ass demons.

And I want to meet Coco.

Shut up. I get to die.

I’ve been working too hard.

I need a break.

So I’m going to relax in the nonexistence of the atheist afterlife.

Remember, if we want to stay in this house, you all need to sell, sell, sell.

Three sells? He’s serious.

One last thing.

Terald, cancel your subscription and sell all those disgusting fart jars.

[zipper buzzing]

[Korvo groans]

Is he dead?

[grunting]

[beeping] Yep.

Man, I wanted to be the one that died.

Ugh, I can’t believe I have to sell my jars.

I was going to decant my Dulé Hill tonight.

[♪ intense music playing]

[beeping]

[Korvo] Ah, yes, this is exactly what I wanted.

Dead in a void. I love not existing.

But wait, if I’m able to think, doesn’t that mean I am?

What afterlife is this?

[grunting]

[♪ ominous music playing]

Well, it seems a stranger hath arrived at our high tea.

Welcome to the plane of lore.

We are all ancient stories steeped in metaphor.

Oh, shit, this isn’t atheist death.

Oh, no, good fellow.

You are in The Sleepening!

[♪ intense music playing]

[screaming] Guys, I’m so sorry to hear Korvo died.

It feels like six minutes ago, I was telling him how estate sales make more money.

You know, the best way to honor his memory is to buy something expensive.

Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe this lighter?

Absolutely not!

That was a promotional giveaway for Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit X Paddington: Marmalade Massacre!

It has deep sentimental value!

Get the fuck out of here, Kevin!

Terry, if we want to save our home, we gotta move merch no matter how promotional it is.

Right, sorry.

I hate you and everything you stand for, and I never want to see your face again!

I’ll cut you, Kevin!

I’ll cut your fuckin’ face off!

Now that I’ve caught my breath, we can return to my threats.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah, Cherie must die.

He’s got a bomb.

[♪ ominous music playing]

Never mind.

It’s just a booger with a clock drawn on it.

[grunting]

Thank you, my royal guards.

The Wall salutes your bravery.

My people are safe from all evil.

[crowd cheering]

Why does this keep happening?

I don’t know.

[Nova] [sighs] Thank Jesse that bomb was just a glob of snot.

Otherwise, that could’ve been bad.

I was lucky he had a bread bag fastener for a hand and not a knife.

Wall wine?

Mm, like you have to ask.

Sorry to interrupt, but the princess demands an audience.

Mama.

Oh, Miss Pezlie.

Mm, my little baby.

[Pezlie babbles] Heard you had a heck of a day.

Another wannabe dictator tried to rise up and seize power?

Yeah, third one this month.

What is it about being shrunk down, put in a wall, and fed nothing but candy that makes people want to constantly overthrow the government?

[Nova] [gasps] Look!

She’s eating Swedish fish.

Aww, her first Nordic food.

Yes! Yes!

Yay. Oh!

I’m so glad we get to raise you in a safe place.

I just hope we can keep it that way.

This was just a quick popin before nap time.

Bye-bye.

I’ll see you two later.

[kissing]

Okay, I have been wanting to ask you something for months.

Ohh, juicy, let’s hear it.

How in Jesse did you make the yard grass come back to life?

[laughs] Honestly, no clue.

It must’ve been some random thing the aliens did.

I just leaned into it.

People really think you’ve got superpowers.

Yeah, it’s wild.

[Nova] Although it didn’t stop that weirdo from trying to kill you today.

I know. Ugh!

We’ve given our people everything they could possibly want.

So why do these dumbasses keep trying to take us down?

Honestly, I’m surprised Montez hasn’t tried to kill us.

It would fit with the pattern.

Tim, Sisto, that lady who was running the lower levels.

What’s her name? Uh, muck lady?

Platinum Stevie?

Yes!

Well, I’m glad we can at least be friends and that we haven’t turned on each other.

Nova, do you still blame me for Halk’s death?

Oh, Cherie.

Halk made his own decisions.

Do you still blame me for ratting you out to Sisto?

Please, that’s all bygones be water under dirt off your shoulder bridge.

You know, I bet we could really run this place if all these micro-Mussolinis would quit trying to coup our asses.

I bet the next one has, like, some signature facial hair, something really cool, like a goatee.

Oh, yeah, he’ll probably have a name like The Pharaoh of Agony.

Oh, oh, or the, uh, The Torturer.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

The Torturator!

Oh, yeah. And he’ll be missing an ear.

Yes. And-and he’ll have some catchphrase like, “Kiss the boot, baby.”

[both laughing]

[Nova] It’s so stupid.

[laughs]

You know, we could pretty much create our own dictator at this point.

Wait. Why don’t we?

What?

We could cook up some fake dictator.

Pretend he’s taken us down and let him be the public face while we run the show behind the scenes.

Lady, I think you’re crunked out on Yardonnay already.

Think about it. A weirdo tyrant is way less likely to rise up if they think another weirdo tyrant already did it.

We can disrupt the whole pattern.

So you want to what?

My Fair Lady some soft, controllable doofus into seeming like an evil dictator?

I was thinking of it as Weird Science ing a despot, but same diff.

It’s insane.

But maybe it could work.

We just need to find the right goofball to be our fake Polly Pocket Stalin.

[♪ pensive music playing]

Allow me to introduce just a taste of our pantheon.

Motlarius, the lord of the quarterly earnings call.

And Shelby, Goddess of fake news.

And I, of course, am Mosteus, the god of almost being asleep but you’re kind of still awake.

Please stop explaining your lore.

Being dead isn’t supposed to feel like homework.

We are the gods of everything modern humanity worships, the new deities.

Good for you. Now piss off.

If you are in The Sleepening, it means you must be a god, too, but of what?

I’m not a god, I’m a vegetable alien who wants to be in a vegetative state.

No, no, no, you have to be a god.

This is how it has always been since man first crafted stories around the flickering fires–

Uh, let me stop you right there.

I don’t give a fuck about your unnecessarily complex mythologies.

I’m going to take a nap on that skull until my alien family finishes selling our crap.

Until then, leave me the fuck out of it.

Get his ass.

[Korvo screaming]

[punches and kicks thudding]

[Korvo] Oh, God! Oh, it hurts!

We sold most of our sci-fi stuff, but we’re still comin’ up short.

Yeah, we only got a hundred bucks for the Lavatic Reactor, and we had to throw in Terry’s Wu-Tang Crocs for free.

Oh, let’s just revive Korvo and figure out plan B, which I assume is us becoming Boxcar Children.

I’ll grab the death sack from the ship.

I already moved it down here by the camping supplies.

Why?

Sorry if I like being close to my husband!

But I sold all the camping stuff.

Hey, alright. So where’s Korvo?

Wait just a Millie Bobby minute.

Are you saying…

[all gasp] [all] We sold Korvo?

[♪ intense music playing]

Hurry. I don’t like when Korvo’s not here.

It makes me feel like someone’s going to break into the house.

Okay, here it is.

Transaction was with somebody called @Ga$ with a dollar sign, In-Glass.

Fuck me sideways and backwards.

You know them?

Yes.

That’s the Hollywood gossiper I buy my Celebrity Fart Jars from.

She does both?

It’s called a side hustle, honey.

Chastity Price here with another Hollywood blind item.

A certain Alist funny man is getting elbow smoothing surgery before his secret wedding to a convicted war criminal in Hotlanta.

That’s the lady, alright.

And that blind item’s Ty Burrell.

But how will we find her?

Look, Yum, we’ve stood in front of that background.

It’s the warehouse over on Route 8.

Suit up, team.

Time to get our Korvo back.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

And also maybe exchange a Viggo Mortensen jar for a Jessica Chastain, my fart queen.

And The Wall shall tremble before me, for I am the cruel, the vengeful…

Ah, rats, I’m sorry, what was my name again?

Come on, man. Big Skip.

Sorry about that.

Ugh, why can’t I get this, it’s hard.

It’s just your name with Big.

Can we take a break so I can towel my under carriage?

It’s… I’m sorry, I just, I got this sweat thing.

It like pools. It goes from my pits until under the, you know.

Okay, okay, just take five.

Ugh, maybe this was a mistake.

I’m not buying Skip as an unhinged tyrant.

Look, the first rehearsal’s always rocky.

Okay? I know, I was a drama minor at UC Irvine.

We at least got to punch up “Big Skip.”

That dictator name sucks.

Your Highnesseses.

I’m sorry, I’m not sure that I can be the evil guy.

You know, I don’t know anything about, like, torturing and, you know, I can’t really cackle.

Oh, don’t worry about that, Skip.

You’re just playing a role.

We’ll be running everything as usual.

Alright. If you say so.

I mean, ah, gee, you’re ju– you’re both so cool.

[Nova] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let’s take it from the top.

[♪ eerie music playing]

We don’t have much time.

I only put a dime in the meter.

Look. The Eternal Sleep Sack.

But where’s Korvo?

[machine whirring]

[all gasp]

Holy Mary mother of Jeremy Allen White.

It’s a fart harvester.

It’s beautiful.

May I help you?

[Terry] Chastity.

First up, it’s just, I want to say it’s an honor.

I’m a longtime Price Posse member, but, uh, we sold you that alien by mistake, and we need him back.

Oh, I knew exactly what I was getting when I smelled that fetid sleeping bag.

You not only knew but knew exactly?

I’m taking my business to the next level by selling the only farts more exclusive than Paget Brewster queefs.

This goes against everything I assumed you stood for.

Well, you assumed wrong. And guess what?

I’m not stopping with just one alien.

Oh, cool, you have more aliens?

[Jesse] She’s got our Freeze Ray.

Hey, the money for that wasn’t in the total sale price, Yumyulack.

Yum’s got to get his taste, too.

[Jesse, Yumyulack groan]

Terry, you dumbass, run!

Oh, wait, that’s me.

[whimpering] This redressed fart jar warehouse shall be your tomb!

[evil laughter]

[♪ intense music playing]

[people chattering]

Bad news, everyone.

We, uh, had a coup last night.

[crowd gasps]

Yeah, there was lots of fighting and there was stabbing an-and ultimately, Nova and I were defeated.

We had a good run.

So allow us to introduce to you our new boss, and yours.

The Wall’s crazy new dictator.

A total psycho freak who’s prone to unpredictable fits of violence.

Uh, bo-bow before me.

For I am Big Skip.

[crowd gasps] Shit, we forgot to come up with a better name.

Who cares? It’s working.

[townsperson] All hail Big Skip.

[crowd cheers]

I order you to kneel before me, ex-Queen Cherie.

You’re so scary. What choice do I have?

Get away from her.

[crowd gasps] What the heck?

[grunting] Oh!

Oh, my God, it’s the Duke.

[crowd gasps]

I can’t believe this.

It’s the Duke.

Holy fucking Jesse!

All hail Duke 2.

[crowd cheering]

[crowd] [chanting] Duke 2!

Duke 2! Duke 2!

Duke 2! Duke 2!

[townsperson] Subjugators, we love you!

Ow, stop hitting me with those ornate canes.

The details hurt.

You must pick something to be a god of.

This is realm law.

Okay, fine, I’m the god of not giving a shit. Are you happy now?

He resists the power of storytelling, so we will make him a god.

Oh, God, help. Why is this estate sale taking so fucking long?

[metal slices]

[birds cawing]

You’ll never get my signature stink.

I don’t want your stink, Terry.

What I want is your expertise.

But y-you just said this warehouse was going to be my tomb.

I changed my mind.

I think we’d make great partners.

I’m listening.

You’re always ahead of the curve on which farts are going to explode in price.

I can’t tell the difference between the Harry Potter twins.

A James Phelps is worth twice as much as an Oliver.

See? With you at my side, we could make an ass ton of cash.

All your financial problems would be solved.

[ray gun fires]

It’s tempting, but the truth is I only bought those stinky jars so people could see how rich I was.

I don’t actually care about the farts.

I don’t even have a nose.

But now, I’m not embarrassed for the world to know I’m a hashtag broke joke.

Why the hell not?

Being broke is the worst way to be.

Because I’d give up the roof over my head to keep Korvo in my bed.

So, fuck you, Chastity Price.

[yelps] What are you doing? Stay back!

Who’s in those jars?

Bateman, Arnett, and Hayes.

All of Smart-Less? Be careful with that.

They’ll mix too strong.

They love the smell of their own farts.

Bye. [grunts]

[glass shatters]

[Chastity, Terry scream] Ah, man, I was in the middle of a cool freeze dream where I was in the Jackass crew, and they kept saying my pranks went too far.

Time to bring Korvo back from the dead.

Man, he’s probably enjoying the heck out of not existing right now.

You assholes cut off my head.

We have decided that you shall be the god of streaming era original content.

Oh, my God, who cares?

It all changes every 10 years anyway.

With this Roku head, the people will pray to you for shareable passwords and limited commercials breaks.

You can’t just stick that on a torso and expect it to talk.

My mouth is right here.

Oh, none of this makes any sense.

It’s all so twee and fucking British.

[screams]

[♪ intense music playing]

Oh, man.

What the hell are we going to do with a big Roku remote?

[sighs]

Maybe we are silly.

[panting]

[screaming]

Korvo’s back.

[machine whirring]

[screaming stops]

Where am I? Why is this room on fire?

What’s that horrible smell?

It’s all the Ewoks and half the cast of The Big Bang Theory. Run!

[Solars screaming]

[explosions booming] No!

Ugh! Rosamund Pike! Willem Dafoe!

Vampire Weekend!

[crying]

[explosion booms]

Take good care of Diane Keaton, my good man.

She blasted that out while filming Father of the Bride Part II.

Terry, I’m so proud of you for selling your fart jars.

We’re technically still “hashtag broke jokes,” meaning we’re very poor, but at least we were able to make that mortgage payment and keep the house.

I guess I just need to find a new hobby.

Maybe humming? [humming] No, that won’t do.

Sucks to not have the jars that defined me.

We actually saved you a little surprise.

“Jennifer Coolidge Post Emmy Win!”

You guys.

You’ve earned it.

Sniff away, you wonderful bastard.

[gagging]

I don’t understand. How are you here?

I buried you.

I was fighting that possum, and then it all went black.

Next thing I knew, I woke up in the yard and all that grass was growing back.

What year is it?

How many iPhones did I miss?

Whatever the aliens did to regrow the lawn must have brought you back to life, too.

This is crazy!

Cherie, I just have two questions.

Did you touch my penis after I died?

Of course not.

Thank God.

And did you have the baby?

[Pezlie giggling]

Meet Pezlie.

Oh, she’s adorable. Look at her.

Well, our “She’s All That ing a dictator” plan flopped.

I’m not so sure.

No one was going to buy Skip as a tyrant, but the Duke?

Now, we can work with that.

I don’t know.

I-I really don’t want to be a burden.

If we return him to power, we’d be taking The Wall back to what you were fighting in the first place.

That won’t happen. I know Ringo.

He’s changed.

Ringo?

That’s my real name.

And, no, it’s not short for anything.

We should let him in on our secret project.

What project?

Yumyulack has made a critical mistake.

He cleaned up his room too fast.

[Cherie]

And when you’re not being careful, stuff ends up tossed in the hamper.

[Duke] Oh, my God, the Shrink Ray.

Right there for the taking.

The Duke 2 is going to put all The Wall’s resources towards one goal, getting that ray and using it to make us all big again.

[Nova] We’re calling it Operation Biggie Size!

That’s just a placeholder.

We really got to up our name game.

[♪ intense music playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

* * *

Solar Opposites – S06E03 – The Sci-Fi Slingshot | Transcript

When the pupa unleashes toxic radiation, Korvo and Terry decide to sell their condo in the wooden city due to being short on cash to afford get rid of the toxic, but the keep getting distracted by their horny instincts which are instilled by some exotic flowers. Meanwhile, Yumyulack and Jesse try to get their former principal and teacher back together to avoid taking a quiz.

[♪ foreboding music playing]

[Korvo] Oh, God, what the hell?

Everyone get your double C thicc tushies in here right now.

[Yumyulack gasps] What’s wrong with Pupes?

Whatever it is, it’s not my fault.

I’ve been busy committing healthcare fraud, and I’ve got the paper trail to prove it.

Yes, it’s freaky, but TBH, it’s also kind of a serve.

It’s not a serve.

Look at him, he’s glowing.

Pupas of a certain age will start to emit lethal amounts of radiation.

Look.

Damn, that’s my king.

Was that from the Halloween special?

The Pupa’s rad count is going to rise until we cool his ass down, which means we are fucked.

We owe 92 million Japanese Yen?

What, no. It’s $600,000.

Sorry, I do a lot of Duolingo when I’m on the can.

What can?

The one in the backyard that we trapped the skunk under.

If someone doesn’t sit on it, we’re gonna get sprayed.

We need to figure out how to get some money and fast because we have to buy a cooling rod to feed the Pupa, or his radiation will blast us all to ash.

What? We trapped that skunk a month ago.

You’re still sitting on the can?

You’re not?

Focus, the skunk is surely dead, and I don’t want to join it.

So let’s just buy a cooling rod from the same Latverians we got the doombot from.

We can’t, we’re poor now.

Money doesn’t just magically reset for us because it’s a new day.

We have no choice.

We’ll have to list our apartment in the Wooden City.

Okay, whatevs.

Sounds good.

No, you just reminded me it exists.

We never go to the Wooden City anymore.

Our condo’s market value has gone up.

We’ll be able to pay for the rod and that cute Hello Kitty lunchbox that perfectly fits our meth cigars.

Fuck, I do want that lunchbox.

Then it’s settled.

The Solar Opposites are selling their Wooden City apartment because they’re too poor to buy a rod.

Shit, the skunk got out of the bucket.

[skunk snarls] [group screams]

[explosion booms]

Ho ho, and you said it was surely dead.

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa, and escaped into space, searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.

I’m the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It’s a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why don’t humans kiss with their teeth?

Stop relying on that wet tongue and those puffy lips.

You gotta clack those calcified nubs.

[♪ dramatic music swells]

[Miss Frankie] Good morning, students.

It is the great joy of my life to inspire young minds like yours.

Now on to chapter four, which you all should have read.

Psst, did you read that jizz?

Hell no, I don’t even know what this class is about.

Knock, knock.

Cool new principal checking in.

Hold your applause till after I’m gone.

[both moaning]

Oh, Antoine, I have you to thank for reinvigorating my passion for teaching, and other things.

[Miss Frankie growls softly] Ugh!

Since when is she careful about mentioning her labia?

Ever since it got slick as a seal with new hunky principal Antoine Sous Vide.

In the spirit of good teachering, tomorrow, you’ll be taking a quiz.

It’ll cover Roman numerals one through six.

So study hard.

[school bell rings] This sucks! We’ve never had to take a quiz before.

It’s six whole Roman numerals.

What are we, baby Einsteins?

[Staci]

Listen, you freaky little dick wags.

The Stacis? You guys are still bullying?

Miss Frankie’s been all happy and nice since Principal Cooke left.

Now she’s with Sous Vide and she’s giving quizzes?

You need to make this go away.

Why us?

Because… Wait, why them again?

You little alien bitches have always used your stupid sci-fi to get rid of homework and tasks.

This quiz is gonna mess up our GPAs, and if it does, we’ll stab you with butter knives.

[Stacis] We stole them from my stepdad’s girlfriend’s house, and they will draw blood.

Okay, settle down, the Stacis.

We got this. You can count on us.

Yup, can do, chickadees.

Chickadees? Jesus, why am I such a penis?

We don’t have time to roast your flirting fails.

We sold our sci-fi rays in the estate sale.

Shit, you’re right. I was so busy trying to pop the alien equivalent of a boner that I totally forgot.

Ah, geez. How are we gonna do this without a ray that makes people forget about quizzes?

Maybe we don’t need sci-fi.

When Miss Frankie was with Principal Cooke, she was miserable and checked out, right?

So all we have to do is get them back together.

But isn’t she happier with Principal Sous Vide?

Yes, and now we get to make her sadder.

Come on!

[Terry] Wow, the Wooden City.

Remember when I was a sex worker here?

And then we almost drowned in honey.

Good times.

We haven’t been in the apartment for so long.

I hope it isn’t dusty.

Yeesh, someone needs to take a weed whacker to this place stat.

We are that someone, Terry.

Let’s get cleaning and watch out for snakes and shit.

Man, I always felt so cool in our big city condo.

Sucks that we have to sell it.

I, too, feel cool.

But a pair of settled-down married aliens such as ourselves aren’t in need of a Don Draperstyle urban fuck pad.

[Korvo grunts]

Mama’s keeping some of her sweet appliances: piña colada machine, the fondue fish tank, hot tub with a vodkarita dispenser.

We don’t have room for all that shit at home.

And vodkaritas give me shingles.

[Korvo grunts]

Something about being back in this apartment just makes me, oh, I love how chopping old branches makes you all sweated up.

Stop flirting. Yank out those roots.

But I can’t resist my man in his tool belt.

[both grunting]

Terry, I…

Oh, well, maybe just one more ride in the Wooden City.

Giddy up, crawdaddy!

[both moaning]

[Jesse] We didn’t sell all our ray guns.

There has to be something here that can get two of the only teachers to fall in love.

If those Stacis find out we’re rayless, they’re gonna do a stabbing on us for sure.

Too bad we lost the Bang It Out and the Foot Stuff rays.

Oh, wait, I saw a movie the other night that might help.

It’s called The Parent Trap, and it’s about a set of human twins who switch places to trick their parents into getting back together.

But we’re not twins.

I’m handsome, and you look like a frog from Rocko’s Modern Life.

Twins are born mischievous and evil.

We don’t have to look the same.

We just have to be as tricky and manipulative as twins.

In conclusion, the kids of James Earl Jones High need you back, Princip…

I mean, Dr., Mr. Cooke.

Ah, thanks, alien child.

But that’s going to be a respectful pass from me.

But aren’t you sad here on your own, throwing clay barefoot?

As if!

I finally found what brings me peace, sculpting custom clay dogs for my Etsy store.

But all the kids at school miss you.

So do the teachers, especially Miss Frankie.

Fuck that. I’ll never go back to that hag after what she did to me.

Uh, are you crapping your pants or something?

Oh, he’s remembering.

It was last spring.

The scent of Pepsi Zero was in the breeze.

The school was hosting a petting zoo to raise money for the bake sale.

The petting zoo was centered around a donkey named Pearl.

Miss Frankie told me to ride her, so I did, and it was pretty hilarious.

But then I slipped off, and she stamped her hoof right on my scrotum!

[Principal Cooke screams]

[spectators laughing]

The pain gave me clarity.

I realized I hated my job, and Miss Frankie, so I left them both behind, and I’ve never felt better.

I do still piss blood though.

Time for twin plan B.

Oh, please, Principal Cooke, please come back to school.

We’re begging you.

You need to fuck Miss Frankie, bang the desire to teach good right out of her.

No, go away. I said I’m happy, goddammit.

Leave me alone.

I have a Lhasa Apso to kiln.

Cripes, this is gonna be harder than we thought.

Cripes, like, who are you?

I’m homespun and quirky.

Quit riding my haystack!

[both panting]

Time flies when you’re mound pounding.

How many times did we just hump?

Seventeen.

We’ve managed to have our alien version of sex for so long that we’ve barely done any cleaning.

I guess being in this cool apartment and away from the fam has us horned up, huh?

It’s true. All I want to do is massage your undermound until you goosh.

But we have to focus.

I’m putting a line of tape down the middle of the apartment.

No sexy little crossings allowed.

Well, that’s weird.

You stay on your side.

I’ll stay on mine.

We need to get this apartment ready ’cause hunting season starts tomorrow!

And everyone knows that’s the best time to sell.

Great, fine, whatevs.

I’ll be over here working and not thinking about your mush maker.

[Korvo grunts]

Ooh, chop that wood, Papi.

Oh, dammit!

[Terry grunts]

Swing that ax right into my muffin hole.

Oh, God, I need some air.

How about some tacos el pinecone and huevos brancheros?

That way, we’ll be too bloated and farty for sex.

Perfect, let’s get out of this horny hell.

[both panting]

Almost out of the apartment!

Ah! Too horny!

What the hell?

I thought we were going out.

We were. Wait, did we just have sex again?

[sniffs] Oh, God, we did. [sniffs] Twice.

That’s weird. Come on, I’m really thirsty.

[Korvo and Terry groan]

Holy shit, when did we 69?

[Korvo mumbles indistinctly]

What?

Don’t you realize?

This apartment, it’s so vibey.

We’re–

Having sex right now?

[Korvo] [shouting]

Why are we so horny?

[Yumyulack] We are so screwed!

Both Principal Cooke and Miss Frankie are so happy.

They’ll never get back together!

And I just got a Truth Social DM from the Stacis.

It’s an alien head emoji next to a cheese grater emoji.

I think they’re threatening to shred us over some pasta or a nice salad.

We need to come at this from another angle.

What if we break up Miss Frankie and Principal Sous Vide?

Then, Frankie will have no choice but to get back with Principal Cooke.

She’s a scag hag.

That means limited options.

Maybe some of these bargain bin rays that didn’t sell at the estate sale could help.

We got a slingshot.

Yeah, but the only thing sci-fi about it is that it lights up.

We’ve also got the One Man Show blow dart.

It’s preloaded with The Taint Monologues.

Terry gave up on that EGOT fast.

That’s some pretty crappy sci-fi, but it’ll have to do.

Oh, oh.

[Terry groans] This has gone too far.

I didn’t even know we could pull off a reverse Dollywood position.

Ah, my mound is so torn up, it feels like applesauce.

Something in this cool-ass apartment is making us so horny that it’s wiping our short-term memories.

Has that always been a thing?

It is now.

If we don’t get out of here soon, we could die.

Huh, when was the last time we had water?

Mm, wet water.

No, no. We need to get out of here.

It’s too sexy.

Going through the front door won’t work.

Not with that hot ass, it won’t.

Get a hold of yourself, Terry.

We have to find the least sexy part of this apartment.

Here?

Is here less horny?

Mm, oh, no.

All I want to do is dock your bits till you squizz.

This corner maybe?

No, it still makes me want to sit on your face.

Ditto!

[Korvo grunts]

Oh. Wait, Terry, this is it.

I think I found it.

I’m a little less horny right here.

Under a picture of the replicants?

Yes.

Seeing their lame, not cool faces is just unsettling enough that I can feel my juices calming.

Oh, I feel it too.

This wall is our only chance.

For the first time today, start digging into something other than my ass.

Don’t Iris and Fern, that lesbian underbrush couple, live through there?

We’ll just have to pray we don’t find them attractive.

[grunting]

[Korvo and Terry scream]

[Terry gasps]

What the hell happened here?

[♪ ominous music playing]

[swing creaking]

[Terry] Iris and Fern!

We have to get them to whatever they have here instead of a hospital.

I don’t know, like a tree?

A guy, like a… What do you…

What do you call those tree guys?

They’re dead, Terry.

Judging by the sex swing and all the lube bottles, they got the horny blindness too.

Korvo, I’m scared.

And snailing. Snailing so, so hard.

Fuck, look at me, look at me.

God, I’m snailing so fuckin’ hard.

[Korvo groaning] Wait, TerrBear, look.

Oh, my God, that ugly purple flower!

It’s the same as the one in our apartment.

[Korvo shuddering]

Oh, fuck me now!

[slap smacks] Oh, God, sorry, sorry, it’s the scent.

The flowers are making us horny.

Follow the vines, Terry.

We’ve got to dig ’em out by the roots.

[both grunting]

I’m trying, Korvy, but I’m getting blinded by desire!

I am too, Terry, but we can’t stop.

Ugh, show me your shmelk hole!

No, you show me yours.

[both scream]

Well, hello there, you sexy boys.

[Korvo] How fuckin’ dare you?

We are not boys.

We’re nongendered alien-Lick me till I quack, Professor!

[Terry and Korvo groan]

[passionfruit laughing]

Iggy the Iguana will always be in our hearts and some of our stomachs, for the ones who ended up eating the mac and cheese before we realized he fell into the vat.

So we use the slingshot to shoot the One Man Show dart into Sous Vide’s neck.

He’ll start performing The Taint Monologues, which is totally inappropriate for school.

That’ll get him fired, Miss Frankie will dump him, and get back together with Principal Cooke, and then… [inhales deeply] she’ll be shitty again and forget about the quiz!

It’s a long walk, but we’re taking it.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[grunts] Bazinga!

Nestled between the goodies, the taint defines who I am, who I was, who I’ll be.

Let the humiliation begin!

As I was being wiped, I realized that I’d grown accustomed to the reality that I would never be balls nor ass.

I would always be the grundle cavity.

[crowd cheering, clapping]

They liked it?

His performance was so uneven.

Boo!

[both] Ah.

I’ve been around you fuck snots long enough to know you just tried to sabotage my man with sci-fi.

It wasn’t us!

Prisoner’s dilemma, Jesse did it.

Oh, my God, narc much?

Joke’s on you.

Antoine had a three-year residency at the Dayton Theater in Ohio.

The Off Broadway of the Midwest?

If you thought this would embarrass him, you were sorely mistaken.

Mistaken maybe. Sorely, pfft, you wish.

Then how about this?

Because of your little stunt back there, the quiz is now a test, and it’s worth 99.9% of your grade.

Clock’s ticking, fuckle rods.

The only test we’re taking has one question.

How will you kill Jesse and Yumyulack?

Yeah, and I hold a GED in fucking you up.

Ah, I think maybe you mean PhD?

Do I? Which one is better?

[both whimpering]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

What the hell is this?

Who the fuck are you?

Where did you buy this wallpaper, and can you send me the link?

You two brutes think you’re cute, taking on this passionfruit.

But my sexy toots are about to make you bitches moot.

Oh, God, you’re a rhyming villain.

Those are the worst.

No, I was just trying it on for size.

It was too hard to keep up anyway.

Why the hell are you making us horny with your flower stink?

What are you, some kind of sicko?

Wooden City real estate’s gotten too hot.

Only way a big old vine like me can make it is by puttin’ my thumb on the scale.

You don’t even have any thumbs.

I send my sexy flowers through the air vents to all the best units in the building.

And once the occupants die of thirst from all the fuckin’, I swoop in and take the apartment as my own.

[passionfruit laughs]

Oh, God, and then I bet you chop up our bodies and use them for nutrients.

Ew, I’m not a perv!

I just lease out the condos and never return the deposit.

Enjoy shriveling away while I go list my new piedàterre.

I’m going to jack up the rent like you wouldn’t believe!

Landlords are the worst thing you can be, you big bitch!

Parent Trapping didn’t work, our bargain bin sci-fi didn’t work.

We’re gonna have to take this test and get cheese grated, aren’t we?

Yeah, but who cares?

I’ve been cheese grated before.

What? Then why have you been so freaked out?

It’s more that… [groans] without sci-fi, who even are we?

My whole identity was wrapped up in that stuff.

I didn’t think about it like that.

Pretty glowing.

Damn, Pupa, are you still emitting radiation?

Get a grip.

He seems so proud of himself, even though he’s breaking us down on a cellular level.

Pupa! Pupa!

That’s messed up, Pupa.

Wait, it’s not messed up.

He can glow and be weird because he’s a freaky little alien, just like us.

He’s melting my space boots.

Don’t you see?

He doesn’t need super contrived, wildly implausible rays, and neither do we.

I’m not following, but I’m sure you’re about to overexplain.

All we have to do to get Miss Frankie and Principal Cooke back together is to be classicass vanilla aliens like our forefathers used to be!

Come on.

[stammering]

What-what the hell?

Silence, human.

This is an alien abduction.

Whoever that is, stop hovering over me right now.

Ow.

[Jesse and Yumyulack cackle]

[rock thumps]

Huh, must have been a micro seizure.

[Jesse] Take us to your leader.

Who said that?

[Yumyulack] Zap!

[screaming]

[Jesse and Yumyulack cackle]

[Korvo] Of course, this is how we die.

Stupid apartment.

I should have listened to you and just kept it.

Oh, we don’t need it.

But what about all your stuff?

I have stuff at home.

Losing this place, I don’t know.

I-I guess I was just holding onto the last thing that made me feel cool.

But, Terry, we’re not cool. We’re married.

We live in the suburbs with shitty, low-iron replicants.

We watch Food Network in threadbare underpants, and that’s okay.

But will you still be horny for me if I’m a loser?

I don’t need an apartment to want to get you out of those T-shirts.

And I’ve always loved that you’re hot and a total dork.

We need to get out of here and be the stay-at-home losers we were always meant to be.

Damn these vines.

Even now, I’m so lubed up, I can’t get a grip.

Wa-wait. We-we could just block the sexy smell with our sweaty shirts.

[inhales deeply]

Ugh, that’s working.

My mound’s not tingling anymore.

Me too.

I’m actually getting pretty grossed out.

[passionfruit laughs]

Hey, stop huffing your own sweat, or I’ll have to kick your ass old-fashioned style.

Don’t think I’m not ready for a big, heavy battle.

Sorry, but we’re not worried about being cool anymore.

You like being a lame landlord?

Then enjoy being taken down in the lamest way possible.

[gavel thumps]

[coop board member] Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

It appears the defendant has broken the building’s rules regarding subletting apartments.

Oh, come on. Nobody reads those rules.

She also leaves bags of trash in the hallway.

For, like, five minutes while I get my keys.

And she killed people.

By a unanimous count, this board votes for expulsion.

Yeah.

Yay!

This is bullshit!

I wanted a proper alien-on-passion-fruit battle with blood and guts and lasers and shit.

Y’all are losers!

[Miss Frankie] Let us out!

You can’t keep us in here.

We know this is some sort of alien simulation.

Oh, nobody else is even in here.

And the other tables are holograms.

[Yumyulack] [on intercom] You will not be released until you fall back in love.

Enjoy the 2012 Oregon pinot!

Oh, God, we already have to deal with aliens at school and now this?

[scoffs] What are the odds?

Pinot from the northwest is an outrage!

[Miss Frankie sighs]

So… how’s your scrotum?

What do you care?

I never stopped caring.

Then why did you let me walk away?

Because you pushed me away.

After a ball smashing like that, I thought you needed space.

I’m not a mind reader.

I never expected you to be one!

[Mr. Cooke sighs]

This is exactly what was wrong with our relationship.

All we ever did was fight.

I know. Who cared that it was hot?

Hello, me, I cared.

So did I.

Ugh, God, this is so hacky.

Oh, I hate aliens so much.

I hate aliens too.

Eat my ass.

Take off your pants!

[Miss Frankie and Mr. Cooke moaning]

Here’s some spaghetti just like Lady and the Tra…

Oh, God, geez!

It worked, they’re back together!

We didn’t even need to serve any food.

Dammit, I’ve been coaxing flavors out of this risotto all day.

Ah, who cares? Now, we’ll never have to take another test again.

[school bell rings]

What the hell is this?

I thought you and Cooke got back together.

Yeah, and that you wouldn’t care about teaching good anymore.

Oh, we got kidnapped by some other, more classic-looking aliens who rekindled our true passion, being miserable dicks together.

[♪ ominous music playing]

[gulps] Oh, no.

I’m back, bitches!

Oh, you don’t like your wittle test?

Good! My office… now!

[Miss Frankie gasps] Um, does this still count for 99% of our grade?

It counts for 140%.

Fuck yeah!

Wait, no, that’s more!

What a glorious day it is.

Why are you two so happy?

Didn’t you have to take a test?

Yeah, which we’ve never done before.

We always got ’em canceled.

Which is why we didn’t know that we’re geniuses!

Whoa, plot twist.

Full points and extra cred?

Apluses seem suspicious from you two.

Did you cheat with sci-fi?

We couldn’t use sci-fi, so we did something crazy.

We tried for the first time, and we did so well it makes us want to actually study.

Now, instead of being alien troublemakers, we’re rebranding as try-hard smart kids!

And the Stacis cheated off us too, a whole new way to get exploited.

Pupa, don’t swallow the whole cooling rod.

It has to last. That thing was expensive.

So you sold the Wooden City apartment then?

Nope, we had 54,000 orgasms and almost died and decided to rent it instead.

Ew, so you guys are landlords now?

That is the lamest thing you could possibly be!

You’re losers.

[both] We know.

Wow, lots of lessons being learned today.

Maybe even some character growth.

How about you, JK Sevens?

[mournful beeps]

Aw, sorry, maybe next time.

[phone chimes] Oh, oh, yes, someone just rented the apartment for three weeks!

Chaching.

Who the hell is horny enough to want it for that long?

[Miss Frankie and Principal Cooke moaning]

[Miss Frankie] Oh, my God, I can feel my entire baby maker, all the way to the inner stuff.

[both grunt]

[Miss Frankie]

What is with this apartment?

[Mr. Cooke] [garbled] I don’t know.

[Miss Frankie] Oh.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

* * *

Solar Opposites – S06E04 – The Paternal Oil | Transcript

Korvo and Jesse butt heads over who is the more father-like of the family. Meanwhile, the people in the Wall instigate their plan to get Yumyulack’s shrink ray to finally grow big again by issuing an aerial force.

[♪ foreboding theme playing]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Fam Slam with your host, hilarious Harvey Steve.

I appreciate y’all. I appreciate you.

Thank you, thank you, seriously, thank you. I appreciate you.

Welcome to Fam Slam, a legally clearable parody of [bleep].

Now let’s give it up for our returning champs, the McMillan fam from the South.

Oh, it’s a blessing to be here, Mr. Steve.

And let’s give a warm Fam Slam welcome to our challengers, the Opposites fam.

Finally done sucking the McMillan family’s dicks?

[audience gasps] Alright now.

Look like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

[audience laughing] No, I didn’t!

I never stray from perfect mattress positioning.

Whe-where do you get your suits?

Oh, Terry, don’t be stupid.

They’re probably custom.

They’re custom, right?

Alright, let’s get to the game.

Can I have each team’s dad step to the podium for round one?

What the hell?

[chuckles] Just the dad, please.

I am the dad.

She’s kidding.

I’m the dad of the family.

Ah, sure thing, champ.

Get away from that podium!

We’re alien plants. We do what we want.

Which is why I’m the dad, and you’re sounding a little grouchy, Mister.

He’s probably tired.

I’ve always clearly been the most dad-coded Opposite.

I don’t know, Korvo, Jesse’s been serving major dad vibes lately.

Yeah, she’s been coaching my little league team.

We get a pizza party if we score a run.

The other day, she taught me how to change a tire.

I got to hold the flashlight!

I beg your very pardon?

Sorry, Korvo, I can’t help it.

Dadding’s been coming to me really naturally these days.

Y’all need to confirm Dad, or you forfeit this round.

[bleep] my fat [bleep] until you [bleep] blood out of your eyes.

[audience gasps]

Korvo, you go stand with the rest of family this instant.

This isn’t fair!

That’s it!

You’re grounded, buster!

[Korvo wailing] I like being grounded.

Home is where all my stuff is.

[Korvo wailing]

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia, until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa and escaped into space, searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.

I’m the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It’s a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why do humans…

Whwhy do… Why do hum…

Oh, fuck it, I forgot what I was going to rant about.

[♪ dramatic music swells]

[Cherie] Pay attention for a message from your mighty leader.

He’s back and ready to rule with an iron fist.

The all powerful, all knowing, all man where it counts, The Duke.

[Duke clears throat]

That’s right, it’s me, the original Wall badass.

I’m alive, back in charge, and meaner than ever because that’s what you pathetic ants need.

I’m working tirelessly to deliver all Wallians to freedom.

Work on Operation Biggie Size is going great.

Yumyulack’s Shrink Ray is finally within our reach, carelessly tossed into a laundry hamper at the base of the wall.

Now is the time to snatch that ray and get big again.

I’ma be real with you because I’m cool.

This won’t be easy, and we have to get it done before laundry day.

But if you follow my commands, we’ll do it.

And I don’t want to hear any bitching about how heavy it is.

Any dissension in the ranks, and I will personally beat you to death and eat your brains.

Eat your brains?

Ooh, this evil Duke stuff is gross.

Can’t I just be myself?

No, we all know the people of the Wall only respond to an authoritarian.

You can be regular Ringo after we get biggie sized again.

[Duke clears throat]

Work together and follow my orders exactly.

Anything less than that speaks to a fundamental disrespect for the rules.

[Duke groans]

It speaks to a fundamental disrespect for the rules.

[Duke groans, gasps]

I-I can’t do this. This isn’t me anymore.

Uh, that’s it for The Duke for now.

He, uh, has to go beat up some people.

Oh, my sweet Jesse.

The Duke’s beating on a guy who made eye contact with him.

He’s so brutal.

The guy is pissing his pants.

Oh, the humanity!

Damn, the Duke’s hardcore.

The Falcon’s impressed.

Oh, no way!

If you ran the Wall, you’d be twice as psychotic.

You’re already talking in the third person.

When are we going to shake things up around here?

No, not with the Duke in charge.

The Falcon’s not looking to get beaten until he pisses his pants.

Maybe if some softy was running things, but crazy respects crazy.

For now, we stand down.

[♪ pleasant music playing]

[Korvo] Hey, Jesse.

Have you recovered from your little hissy fit?

Part of being a responsible adult is admitting when you’re wrong, which is something you have to do!

I’m the dad around here.

You need to cut the bullshite and start acting like a teenager again.

What was that now?

You gotta stop mumbling, scout.

I’ve had it with your sick father cosplay.

Inside voice, kiddo.

You’re giving contradictory advice!

Whatever, there is clearly only one way to settle who’s the padre in this family.

Have you finished your homework?

Yes, wait, I don’t have homework.

Goddammit, the only way to settle this is to go head-to-head in a good old-fashioned Dad-Off.

Oh, I’m a dad too. Can I play?

No, hot zaddies don’t count.

We never do.

Jesse, can I have some money for the arcade?

I did my chores.

I’m expecting a little change out of this.

Don’t give him 20 fucking dollars!

I give out the allowance around here.

Oh, cute. Sure thing, chief.

Oh, that’s it! The Dad-Off starts now.

[bell rings] [all gasp] I’m here with His Eminence, The Duke, who’s leading the charge on Operation Biggie Size.

This is the first exclusive interview since you returned to subjugate us again.

And I just have to ask, what does the Duke use to style his hair?

It’s cum.

Excuse me?

[Cherie clears throat]

You’ve never seen There’s Something About Mary?

I was kidding.

I use those little Bonne Maman advent calendar jams. Incredible hold.

What’s the first thing you plan on doing once you get big again?

I’d like to go back to my favorite place on earth, Legoland.

Oh, my friend Sally loved Legos.

She was a fellow reporter.

I’d be happy to do an interview with her as well.

You actually had her killed during your first reign because she broke a story about you snarting.

Oh, my God, what? That’s terrible.

How dare you speak this way to The Duke.

M-m-my apologies, Your Grace.

Please spare me.

You’re lucky The Duke’s in a dope mood.

Any other day, he’d have had you crushed under a billiard ball.

We better get him away before he eats your brain ’cause he does that when he’s mad.

[Duke]

I was such a piece of garbage.

[Pezlie babbling]

[Duke] I don’t know who I am anymore.

W-what’s my preferred toothpaste?

Am I a Crest man or a Tom’s guy?

There’s so many lives ruined.

Is anything wrong?

That three-way peck felt tense.

Ringo blew his interview.

You’re supposed to be scary dictator crazy, not cray-cray crazy.

I’m not cut out to be an evil despot anymore.

It keeps bringing up memories from a past where I don’t recognize myself.

It’s almost laundry day.

We just need you to keep it up for a little bit longer until we get this done.

Oh, okay.

I guess I can pretend I love to drink blood just a little longer for you, Cherie.

I know you can do it.

[Duke sighs] What you’re doing to Ringo isn’t cool.

It wasn’t so long ago that I was putting heads up on walls for Sisto.

It’s not something I’d ever go back to.

What we’re doing is bigger than one man.

Pezlie deserves a future where she can be big, ride a bike, eat at Benihana, fall in love, all without the threat of being eaten by a rat.

Ah, you’re right.

[sniffs] Whoa, someone needs a diaper change.

We gotta stop feeding her mashed Milk Duds.

Duds give her the blasty shits.

After you get this little one down for a nap, anyone up for a threesome in the shower?

Ugh, again?

I didn’t know being in a throuple would mean constant three-ways.

Oh, please.

Whatever, you love it.

[laughter on laptop] Hey, iPad baby.

Why are you blasting three screens at the same time?

If I’m going to beat Jesse at this Dad-Off, I’ve gotta bone up on paternal toxicity.

So why are you watching Tim Allen stuff?

He’s the patron saint of fatherhood.

The man builds classic cars in his garage.

My studies are already paying off.

Behold.

[Terry] Oh, Kirkland signature chinos and Weber Grill collab New Balances?

That’s so much drip.

In addition, I clipped some phones to this braided leather belt I bought at the drugstore.

Oh, smell my breath. [exhales] Bleh, what is that?

Folgers and deli ham?

Fuck yes.

Look out, hot beef comin’ through.

What the hell is this?

Me and the neighborhood dads just wrapped a 12hour smoke.

Want some burnt ends, little guy?

This guy really knows her way around a dry rub.

Look at the bark on that slab.

What are these words?

BBQ, baby!

Ah, you know, just some tips from CBS Sunday Morning.

Probably nothing you haven’t read in Parade Magazine.

Mm, that was finger-boning good.

J-Bird, you gotta bring those tips to the next neighborhood dad gath.

What gath, what is that?

What are you talk–

I’m a d–

I want to go to that. I’m a dad.

Ah, you’d get bored. It’s a dad thing.

What? I hope you get colon cancer from your burnt meats and die!

[Korvo sobbing]

[bell dings]

Is that gonna happen every time?

[hammering]

Hand me the decal.

Is that what you were doing instead of coming to bed last night?

Obsessing over a model airplane is a classic dad move.

I memorized the radio alphabet too.

Why is this so important to you?

I’m the Solar Papa.

You wouldn’t understand.

Local youth, come look at this airplane so I can tell you about it, but not let you play with it.

Oh, hey, squirt.

[Korvo grunts] Could a squirt build a C200 sky-hopper in under 12 hours?

Jesse taught us how to skip rocks at the creek.

We made some formative memories that I, for one, will cherish.

We saw bugs.

[JK Sevens beeps] I can teach you to skip stuff.

Come here and watch me skip this can.

[can clatters] [ice cream truck jingle playing] Ooh, who wants ice cream?

[kid] Oh, me!

[Terry] I want a choco taquito!

[Korvo grunts, groans]

[groans]

[bell dings]

[Korvo groans]

Oh, hey, dads and Korvo. What’s up?

We’re doing outdoor scotch consumption and saying dad stuff.

Shaving cream.

Fishing.

Fly fishing.

Nice.

You fellas have room for another dad?

[thick, bad Scottish accent]

Ah, pour yourself a glass of Bruichladdich and pop a squat.

[Jesse spits]

Pwah! That tastes like an old boot.

Hah, did you hear that? Nice try.

Real dads love nasty boot-tasting scotch.

Maybe you’d prefer a juice box?

Uh, excuse me.

I gotta go mess with the thermostat and do some taxes and refuse to adopt a cat and wear loafers and buy one of those hats with the hair coming…

[Korvo laughs]

[Korvo groans, coughs]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Duke] [on loudspeakers]

People of the Wall, this is our time.

As your all-knowing and super violent leader, I will live for a thousand years!

Nothing can stop us now.

As the monkey rises, so will our fate.

Now, blindly obey my decree, and winch.

Winch, you bitches!

Our salvation is near.

[Wallians grunting] Your Duke commands you to winch.

You heard the man!

Every bit helps!

[Wallians grunt]

Holy shit, it’s working.

Keep going! Don’t make me bring back the Boo Hoo Hole.

[Wallians grunting]

[Duke groans]

You didn’t have to do that!

[laughs]

[groans] Oh, God, I killed that boy.

He was just trying to save his dad.

I’m a monster.

Get up.

I can’t be bad.

Don’t make me be bad anymore, please!

Hey, what’s going on?

Is he crying?

I’m pretty sure he pissed himself.

He’s just kidding.

No, I’m not!

Are you hearing this?

The Duke’s a pussy now.

The Falcon smells a power vacuum to exploit.

The Duke is a poser!

The Falcon challenges him to a stab-off.

[Duke gasps]

To be clear, uh, I’m the Falcon.

[crowd gasps]

[Duke gasping]

[Falcon grunts]

[screams in pain]

[Falcon] The Falcon’s tender nuts.

Uh, just a classic failed Wall coup.

[chuckles] You can get back to winching now.

Winch! Winch! Winch!

Whoa, whoa, no way!

I don’t work for my own self-interest unless I’m being subjugated.

Sure, of course.

We’ll figure that out later.

Right now, we have to get back to the winching.

No, don’t let go!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Wasn’t winching fun?

Just do it for the exercise.

AISHA, activate the carbon-exergon converter.

[AISHA]

First off, activate? [chuckles] Girl, don’t pretend we have that kind of relationship.

And didn’t you just use the converter last week?

Yeah, but I need it again.

[AISHA] For what?

The engines are lubed as hell.

I know, I just need a smidge more exergon oil so I can beat Korvo in this Dad-Off.

[AISHA] Alright, whatever.

Just don’t come crying to me when this shit does something weird to your body.

Aha!

[AISHA] Goddammit!

I told you not to spring out on me!

Get out of here, Korvo!

I knew it!

You’ve been using sci-fi to be a better dad than me this whole time.

[Jesse groans]

Ah, geez, you caught me.

In your face! I certainly did.

A few weeks ago, I was having some alone time on the ship and accidentally dropped something in the converter thing.

Ooh, ten actors who’ve shown full hog on screen.

Hello, Christoph Waltz.

[crunches]

Ugh, that’s not candy.

It’s a Tums.

[spits]

[machine rumbling, clanging]

[Jesse]

The combination of the loose Tums and the remnants of print media contaminated the converter with dad energy.

The dad oil interacted with my replicant brain and something came over me.

[baby crying]

[Jesse] I was a new father.

I felt the rush of responsibility and the infinite possibilities for this new life I brought into the world.

Being a dad felt good.

I was getting respect and attention.

I could fall asleep mid-conversation on the couch, and it was cute.

Good glorbus, you felt pure, unadulterated Dadditude.

Maybe we could both use the oil.

I don’t have to quit.

We could be two dads.

If anyone is going to be two dads, it’s me and maybe Terry.

Time to cut you off.

No!

[Korvo and Jesse grunting]

[Jesse groans]

Oh, shit, Jesse, are you okay?

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Jesse grunting]

[gruff voice] Oh, my back. [grunts]

Jesse, I demand you cease your grotesque transformation at once.

[AISHA] Her active listening levels and self-awareness have dipped critically low, and she’s getting loud as fuck!

My dad bod!

[AISHA] Oh, shit, she’s pissed Green Day is now classic rock.

What does that mean?

[AISHA] That oil overdose turned her into a big papa!

Stop being a big papa right now or no screens for a week!

I thought I told you to turn the lights off when you leave the room.

It’s costing us a fortune!

[Korvo groans]

[AISHA] Run, Korvo!

She’s had it up to here with your shit.

I don’t want to be the Duke.

I-I’m Ringo. I-I’m just Ringo.

Look at that poor guy.

I warned you, you pushed him too far.

We had no choice.

Hey, uh, maybe we can pivot back to Big Skip or see if that Falcon guy will let us puppet control him.

No, it’s over.

We can’t give up!

We’re stuck.

Not just in this wall terrarium but in a cycle of violence over and over again.

Pezlie will never get to be big or travel the world or spin an egg on her own engraved hibachi spatula.

I give up.

Guys, look.

I felt hope for the first time, but I guess hope is a dangerous thing.

Is that from the Holy Bowble?

Lana Del Rey, and Rogue One.

Fuck’s sake!

Will you two cut it out and look?

What the hell, the ropes.

Someone’s pulling the ropes.

[Nova gasps] But who?

[gears clicking]

[people grunting]

It’s everyone.

They’re working together.

[Nova] But who’s leading them?

[Montez] Ha! Nobody.

They’re doing it all on their own.

I guess they didn’t need a crazy despot after all.

[Cherie] You’re right, I see it now.

Pezlie, you have a future.

You’re going to be big.

[Pezlie babbles] And it’s not because of any scheme but because of the inherent goodness of the people in the…

[gasps]

[Wallians gasp]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Wallians scream]

Why are you sickos trying to steal my underpants?

[Korvo grunts] Run, Terry, run!

[heavy footsteps thudding] Jesse’s turned into a big metaphor!

You’re not my dad!

You can’t tell me what to do!

[Jesse grunts]

[Korvo and Terry scream]

Where are the remotes? I need the remotes!

[Jesse screams] Here, take it.

That was just for the receiver.

[Jesse screams] Oh, no!

I thought I told you to take out the trash.

God, get off my back.

[Terry screams, grunts] [glass shatters]

[Korvo gasping]

[roars]

How about we set up that new printer?

We could load up the ink cartridges, flip through the instruction manual.

Oh, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed!

[Korvo groans]

[all gasp] Oh, God.

Wait a minute, you were stealing my underwear and the Shrink Ray?

Pfft. [laughs] Oh, my God, did you think you were going to make yourselves big again?

That’s hilarious.

[Wallians scream]

We have rights!

Keeping us here is against the law.

I know all about your little wars.

I’m doing the world a favor by keeping you sick fucks in the wall.

Go get Jesse. She’ll set us free.

Actually, me and Jesse are good students now.

Teachers like us, and we get to do whatever we want.

You guys tattling would mess it all up, and I can’t have that.

We won’t tattle.

Yeah, right.

Don’t even think about trying to escape.

I’m going to set up all sorts of booby traps in this room.

If anyone ever tries to get out again, you’ll be sorry.

You’re a monster!

No. I’m a straight–

A student.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[gasps]

[Wallians screaming]

[♪ humming upbeat tune]

[Jesse] [chuckles] Coochiecoo!

You’re crushing me!

Let’s see if you can beat your old man in wrestling.

I’m so sorry, Jesse.

For not mowing the yard?

For trying to outdad you.

I just wanted to be a better papa than Rin Tin Torvo.

Who?

We’re all just replicants of bigger Shlorpians.

Mine was named Rin Tin Torvo.

And he was a wanker.

[♪ gentle music playing]

All I ever wanted was for him to pay attention to me.

But he had no interest in that.

Rin Tin Torvo was so focused on preparing for the asteroid to hit that he totally ignored me.

Excuse me, Prime Replicator, can you teach me how to repair the wazer?

I don’t have time for your replicant nonsense.

The asteroid could hit any day.

I need to be ready for the mission.

He was obsessed with the mission, but the asteroid never came.

He died before he ever got to be a mission leader… or a father.

[machine whirring]

Being a team leader, I actually got to fulfill my dad’s dream.

But it’s also a chance not to repeat his mistakes.

No matter what happens, you’ll always be my daddy.

[Jesse] [gruff voice] Oh, no.

I’m just like Rin Tin Torvo.

I’m a bad dad.

That story never would’ve resonated with me…

[normal voice]

…unless I had become a dad.

Oh, the irony.

I guess I’ll never get to feel that amazing dad vibe again.

No, you be whoever you want to be.

We’ll just do it together.

Maybe today, I’ll be your kid.

Shit, you’re hugging already?

What did I miss? Who’s the dad now?

We can all be dads, moms, daughters, and sons.

We’re not limited in our love.

We’re alien plants.

We make our own goddamn rules.

For realsies?

Don’t say realsies, but yes.

You know what that means?

[♪ cheery music playing]

I still can’t believe we let you back on this show.

But let’s try this one more time.

Will the Solar team dad please step forward?

I’m the dad.

[Terry and Yumyulack] And I’m the dad.

And I’m also the dad.

Fine, you can all be dads.

[Solars cheer] I don’t care.

[bleep] this woke [bleep].

[♪ gentle music playing]

[Cherie]

I know all hope seems lost right now.

I mean, we’re literally in the dark.

But let this darkness remind us who the true enemy is.

It’s not the weird despots with stupid haircuts.

It’s not the church, or the owls in the backyard.

Our real enemy has always been Yumyulack!

From this day forward, we set our differences aside, brought together not by fear by united by hate.

We will get that Shrink Ray.

We’ll get big, and we’ll get our revenge.

Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

[both] Fuck Yumyulack!

[all] Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Terry sighs] [AISHA] What’s up, Terry?

Oh, man, all that dad talk really got me thinking about the Shlorpian who I was replicated from, Rin Tin Terry.

[Rin Tin Terry] Terry, you piece of shit.

Stop working on the ship and come party!

You’re so uptight, you gotta be zany like me.

[AISHA] Uh-uh, no more flashbacks.

Keep that shit in your head.

We in the middle of the credits.

Nobody’s even gonna see this!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

* * *

Solar Opposites – S06E05 – The Family Memories VHS Mix Tape | Transcript

When the Solar Opposites have a family fight, the Pupa and J.K. Stevens decide to pass the time by watching old memories on a VHS tape.

[VHS player clicking]

[whirring]

[♪ foreboding theme playing]

[Korvo]

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia, until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa and escaped into space, searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.

I’m the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo.

This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth.

It’s a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why do you eat three meals a day?

You should only feast once a year on the festival of the Yopalox, and that meal should be the gray Yopalox milk.

Full disclosure, I’m under a life debt to the Yopalox.

[♪ dramatic music swells]

[♪ pleasant music playing]

Jesse, can you pass the Baja Blitz Diet Shart?

Aye, aye, captain.

[Yumyulack and Korvo gasp]

Shaboomboom!

[all laugh]

That’s probably the best family catchphrase I’ve ever coined.

What you talkin’ about, bro?

Yeah, bro, we all know I coined shaboomboom.

I said it when I knocked over the sample lady with my Costco shopping cart.

No, you didn’t.

I created shaboomboom.

Shit just came to me when that parking structure collapsed at the movie theater.

Nuhuh, I said it when I got that hole in one at the mini golf course where teens go to do whippets during Christmas break.

That doesn’t narrow it down.

How dare you thieves try to take credit for my catchphrase!

[Jesse] It’s not yours, it’s mine!

[Korvo] I said shaboomboom first!

You’re trying to steal my valor!

That’s not what stolen valor means!

You just stole stolen valor’s valor!

Shaboomboom!

Get my word out of your mouth!

Shaboommy boom, biatch!

I’m going to slice your throat with my Ralph’s Club Card!

No fight!

Pupa’s right, we shouldn’t fight.

Because shaboomboom is mine!

[Yumyulack and Jesse grunting]

[Pupa sighs] Eat fork, you smug bitch!

Shaboomboom!

[Jesse] I hate you!

Snap into my Slim Jim!

Shabibitybibityboomboompow!

[Solars bickering]

[bickering continues]

[Yumyulack] Shaboom don’t!

[Pupa sighs]

[bickering continues]

[JK Sevens beeping]

[♪ serene music playing]

Ugh.

[AISHA] Don’t feel bad, Pupa.

I know you only come up here when you’re upset.

I told you, those dummies just love to fight.

You know this is just how they are.

Too mean!

[AISHA] Come on, Pupa, you can’t hide up here for a couple of days and stew whenever those idiots get in a fight.

They’re always in a fight.

[JK Sevens beeps] [AISHA] That’s what I’m saying.

I knew this was gonna happen.

That’s why I made you a little something that should provoke some goddamn conversation.

[JK Sevens beeps] Don’t you blap at our VHS collection.

I’m not subscribing to another stupid streaming app.

I like physical media.

[gasps] G’day?

[AISHA] No, I hate stupid ass G’day.

I taped over that shit.

Taped over?

[AISHA] Yeah, that’s right.

I made a retro mixtape with footage JK Sevens shot and from my hidden cameras.

You can’t see ’em, but they’re everywhere.

They can even see through the fourth wall.

Stop sulking and watch the tape.

This will make you feel better.

[newscaster] The musical theater gene.

Can it be cured?

More at 11:00.

[♪ upbeat jingle plays]

I’m never going to learn to hop, Papa.

Blimey, G’day.

You just have to let your legs do the talkin’.

Ohho! Fair dinkum!

Gday!

[AISHA] I guess some of Gday must’ve made it through the edit.

Just ignore those parts and focus on the family stuff.

[static crackling]

Hello, Amazing Race producers.

I’m Terry, and I’m bringing a different kind of teammate to the table.

A puppet!

[mimicking Jar Jar Binks]

Meesa love to travel.

Meesa have global entry.

Are you taping an Amazing Race audition?

[mimicking Jar Jar Binks] No!

[normal voice] Ugh, I mean, no.

You little slut. You’re only doing this because me and Jesse taped one.

[mimicking Jar Jar Binks] So what me ask?

Me ask so what?

Give me that bloody puppet.

I got you that to calm you down.

[Terry] I am calm!

[Korvo] That’s going in the trash.

[Terry] Meesa stab you when you sleep.

[static crackling]

Guess who just got back from an appointment with one of the tallest orthodontists in town?

[ding] Join the club, sister.

[ding] Same.

[ding] I did Invisalign.

But then I also got a visible grill that attaches to them.

[ding] [Jesse] That’s not fair.

This was supposed to be my dentist W!

Now you’re just a middle-of-the-pack loser with nice choppers.

You did this on purpose!

I was trying to stand out!

Oh, my God. My grill’s bleeding.

Why can’t anything be mine?

[Jesse and Yumyulack screaming]

[static crackling]

How long does it take to Easy Bake a Wagyu in this thing?

[JK Sevens beeping] Six weeks!

We’re gonna need a higher-watt light bulb.

[motorcycle engine rumbling]

[tires screech]

The ancient prophecy has come to pass.

I have secured a Yamahog!

This is a big-ass decision to make without consulting me.

What the heck?

I’m a grown-ass Shlorpian.

I can hog a Hog when I want.

Only Harleys are called Hogs.

It’s a major plot point in Wild Hogs.

I don’t take advice from William Hillary Macy, and you are just jealous!

Of course I am. I want a Hog.

Are you gonna lane split past me in traffic?

If that’s what the road wants.

The road speaks to me now!

[engine revving]

[Jesse] Damn!

Shit!

Can I take it for a spin?

I want a Top Gun style think about fighter pilots while the sun is setting behind me over the ocean.

Absolutely not.

This puppy only purrs for me.

Come on! You gotta share!

Yeah, there’s no “I” in “motorcycle.”

But there is an “I” in “Yamahog.”

No, there isn’t.

It’s a silent “I”!

I’ll whip up a spreadsheet so we can organize who gets to ride this sweet, sweet[slap smacks] Ow!

I deserve one thing that is just for me.

So suck smog!

[Terry, Yumyulack, Jesse exclaiming] Ha!

Oh, shit! Ah!

Oh, God! Ugh!

Oh, yeah!

[engine roaring]

[static crackling]

[fist thudding]

Yummers, you’ve been in there 45 minutes.

You’re not sinning, are you?

I need a shower.

I’m covered in yard spiders ’cause I fell asleep in the bushes.

[Yumyulack] One minute!

Are you rubbing your mound to Metroid again?

I like helmets. Okay?

I told you to leave the big IP alone or you’re gonna get in trouble.

It’s parody-clearable colors!

It’s only parody if you’re making a specific statement.

I am! The people who get off on helmeted characters are weird.

That’s not enough!

[AISHA] I’m with Yum.

That helmet fetish is weird as fuck.

I know you don’t like the fighting, but just keep watching.

[static crackling]

[Terry laughing]

[Korvo screaming]

Quicksand, bitch! You fell for my prank.

Goddamn it!

Terry.

This is legendary.

[static crackling]

[balloon pops]

[Jesse gasps]

[Jesse grunting] Ow! Ow! It hurts!

Who’s ready for patriotism?

‘Cause this is a Solar Opposites 4th of July special!

[♪ dramatic music swells]

Hey, why aren’t you wearing the costumes and merkins I sewed for you?

No one wants a stupid July 4th special.

We don’t do politics.

I watch fireworks as God intended, on YouTube.

You want to celebrate liberty with me, right, Korvo?

Pass. I’m sympathetic to the loyalists.

Ugh! I always go along with your holiday special ideas.

Don’t take it personally.

It’s just your ideas blow.

I’ll show you what blows!

[Terry, Yumyulack, Korvo gasp]

[fireworks explode]

[all scream]

You burned my Mia Hamm Fathead and vintage Playboys!

I never read the articles.

[firework explodes]

[static crackling]

[Terry laughing] Oh, this isn’t funny!

Yes, it is.

I think I feel Korvo’s body down there.

You should see your fucking faces.

Oh, my God!

Ah! My whole family is trapped in quicksand!

I’m the ultimate prankster!

[laughing]

Oh, I’m gonna puke.

Oh, I’m gonna puke now.

[static crackling]

Mmm.

‘Sup, pimp?

Some freak put a jar of peanut butter in the fridge.

Can you believe that?

[scoffs] Come on, that’s normal.

Keeps the Skippy fresh.

But the cold ruins it.

Keeping PB out of the fridge is like the most insane thing I’ve ever heard, and I once listened to Chet Hanks’ TED Talk on “keeping it rizeal.”

Yo, Tweeps, back me up.

Peanut butter goes in the fridge, aight?

Not aight. It would get too hard.

I don’t even know if it’s safe to eat cold peanut butter.

You could break your teeth.

Are you kidding me?

Me, are you kidding?

He’s overheating.

Brace for a big Solar Ops fight!

Who cares? It’s just peanut butter.

[all laughing]

[Terry] A little help here!

Ugh! Ugh!

Great Scott, you’ve beamed yourself into the ceiling again.

I was trying to beam to the Meghan Trainor concert in Dubai, but I’m not good at sci-fi stuff.

That’s well established.

Terry, why are you so dumb?

‘Cause I is. I can’t feel my legs.

Can someone get me Doritos?

I told you not to touch the transportation matrix on the teleportransportatium!

I know, but… No, the other Doritos.

I only tapped one little button.

You better not have used up all the beaming sparkles.

We only have a limited amount.

No, the purple bag! Fiesta flavor!

Darling, I don’t know what beaver sparkles is.

Beaming sparkles.

They power the teleportransportatium.

Everybody else uses it.

They do not!

Ow! Ow! Cut it out!

Ah! Ow! Shit!

Ha! Told you!

Someone give me Doritos.

Ow!

[static crackling]

Get away, bitch!

Peanut butter belongs in the fridge!

[all grunting]

Ah!

[AISHA] That seems like a lot of random-ass fights, huh?

Almost like they love arguing about everything.

See where I’m going with this?

Funyuns.

Just saying Funyuns doesn’t make any sense.

This part’s good.

[static crackling]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[police sirens wailing] [officer] Put the weapon on the ground and let the Hog go!

This motorcycle is tearing my family apart, and it’s not a Hog!

I’ve got the shot.

Wait for orders.

Wind’s picking up. It’s now or never.

I said wait for orders!

Terry, it didn’t have to come to this.

This two-wheeled whore is trying to take you from me, Korvo!

Can’t you see that?

Can’t you see what this bitch is trying to do to us?

[gun cocks] Choose right now, hot shot.

Who do you love? Me or the Hog?

Well, I-I-I love you both differently.

Wrong answer!

Fuel’s low, we can’t maintain position much longer.

What do you want me to say?

That I don’t love an awesome motorcycle?

All I wanted was to sit on the back and clutch you like Liv Tyler in her dad’s music video.

I couldn’t. You made me pull over every time you see a bloody toy store!

If I’m going to collect the whole Jedi Council, then I need a Black Series KiAdiMundi.

You know that!

We are in the red.

That’s it, I’m taking the shot.

Jesse, no!

[gunshot]

[static crackling]

♪♪

Oi! Come down from there!

But I don’t want to.

You can’t stay up in a tree all livelong day, now can ya?

Ugh!

[squishing] Shaboomboom!

[all laughing]

[all] Shaboomboom!

[static crackling]

[Yumyulack] [panting] Ah!

[narrator] And we’re back with The Real World: Vatican City.

[woman] Who the hell drank all my blood of Christ?

[door bangs] Ah!

Terry, we’ve been searching for you for five years.

For me? But I’m just a human and a supermodel.

Ah, oh!

Huh! Got ya!

They’re aliens too. Take them instead.

We don’t know what that alien’s talking about.

Yeah, that thing’s been holding us hostage ever since he landed his ship on our house.

From one human to another, can you please get him out of here?

Get your dirty X-Files hands off me!

I have X rights!

I demand to see an X lawyer!

I plead the X!

[static crackling]

No! How could this be happening?

I never saw this coming.

Nothing could be worse than sinking into quicksand.

Ah!

[quicksand gurgling]

[hog oinking]

[Terry] No!

[helicopter whirring]

You guys ruined 4th of July for me, so now I’m gonna ruin it for everyone else forever!

Just let go of Uncle Sam and put the gun on the ground, sweetie.

Do what she says. Please!

I have kids that I need to recruit into the military.

[Korvo] I have the shot.

We’re running low on fuel.

I went back in time and recruited the original American badass, Benjamin Franklin, to help us understand the meaning of July 4th.

Don’t make me own you like I owned lightning.

[lightning crackling]

[Yumyulack and Terry screaming] Keep that fuck-stick Franklin away from me or the Sam gets it.

She’s not messing around. Stay back!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. How about we go eat some apple pie with cheese on top and listen to a high school girl butcher the national anthem at a minor league baseball game.

Really? All the Independence Day stuff that I wanted to do?

Divided we fall, united we…

Poor Richard’s Almanack!

[Terry and Yumyulack gasp]

[Terry] Franklin, no!

[Jesse grunts] Ah!

I’m taking the shot!

[gunshot]

[AISHA] I know it seems like all the fights are getting worse, but I swear, it’s gonna make sense soon.

[Korvo] Come here.

You’re going to get it now.

[AISHA]

Uh-oh, looks like they done spilled their trashy asses into the front yard.

Classic.

[Terry] Yeah, right.

You’re the ones who’s gonna be gettin’ the gettin’.

[Jesse] Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Get some, bitch!

Ugh! Ow, ow, ow!

[Terry and Korvo grunting]

No, no, no, no, no!

[spine cracks] Shaboomboom!

Shaboomboom is mine!

[both yelp] [Jesse gasps] What the fuck you gonna do with that guitar, you little bitch!

Ah!

[Yumyulack] I’ll kill you, shaboomboom!

Stop fighting!

[AISHA] Ignore that.

Keep watching the tape.

This next part is going to seem super crazy, but you gotta trust me.

It’s how it has to go.

[static crackling]

Assemble on me, my refrigerated peanut butter brothers!

Room temp gang!

Send those frigid fucks to an early grave.

Unleash cold peanut butter hell!

[peanut butters grunting]

Whoa, it’s the jam squad.

Lady Smuckers abhors violence.

Be civilized.

Suck a togo bag of dicks, you artificially preserved bitch.

Activate the secret weapon!

[gasps]

[rumbling]

What the hell?

Something’s wrong with my lid!

Ah!

That peanut butter soldier had kids, you monster!

[all grunting and screaming]

[static crackling]

[Solars bickering on TV]

[AISHA] Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, don’t you shut that off.

We’re gettin’ to the good stuff.

We’re right there.

Ugh.

[static crackling]

[school bell ringing]

That was my origami paper!

You snooze, you lose.

Folding something up is tentenths of the law.

[punch thuds] Ow!

That’s my art project!

Mm, tasty crane!

Ah!

I hope you suffocate and we avoid prosecution because we fall through cracks in the justice system.

[both laughing]

[Yumyulack] Ow!

I know I should be enjoying a bit of classic Americana bullying, but this sucks.

Oh, great.

I bet you’re here to make fun of me for getting locker stuffed, aren’t you?

Figured you could use some company.

It gets pretty lonely in here.

I brought you lunch.

You’re being nice even though I stole your paper.

Yeah, it’s okay.

Us aliens have to stick together.

Me paper es su paper.

[chuckles]

Aw.

[AISHA] You better say, “aw.”

I told your ass it got good.

Keep watching.

[hyenas growling]

[flamingo crunching]

Can’t believe we fought over that last orange Tic Tac all day.

I don’t know what came over me.

Those hyenas are beautiful.

So are you, Terry. So are you.

[both moaning]

[Pupa groans]

[static crackling]

[Terry] Please let me out!

I have to pee, metaphorically speaking!

Just look into this memory wipe pen, and all will be forgiven.

I don’t want to forget.

I have a great life.

What the… [gasps]

[♪ upbeat electronic music playing]

We can’t let you remember these abs!

Ooh!

Oh!

[Solars cheering]

We hired Men in Black strippers to celebrate you getting your associate twerking license.

You guys!

Shake that human meat!

[♪ upbeat electronic music continues]

♪♪

Get the fuck out of here!

[static crackling]

[motorcycle engine rumbling]

[tires screech]

[child thuds] Get your fucking family out of the crosswalk!

Wait a minute, family.

[father] Where’s the fucking ambulance?

Please!

Wake up, baby, wake up!

Ow! Careful of my gunshot wound.

Once we actually talked, I realized I was being selfish about the motorcycle.

Well, at least it only took a bullet to my face to make you come to your senses.

Sure, I can hear tastes now, but that’s a small price to pay for us to get along.

I bought something on Choppy, the Etsy for gearheads, that should make up for my poor behavior.

Do we all get Hogs?

[Korvo] No!

[Solars] Sidecars!

I made a family Hog we can all ride together and, yes, we’ll be lane splitting in this wide-ass fucker.

The rules of the road be damned.

Oh, look at these fucking sidecars!

[Jesse] Yay!

Sidecar! Woo!

[motorcycle engine revving]

Hit it, Korvo!

[motorcycle rumbling]

Everyone lean forward.

No, more! Lean forward more!

No, careful. Oh, goddamn it!

Oh, we should have just gotten a car.

[static crackling]

Why is there a hotel charge and three bottles of champagne on our credit card bill?

I thought you were at your uncle’s funeral.

We were, uh, celebrating his life.

Are you cheating on me again?

Ah!

I can’t live like this anymore!

[static crackling]

[fireworks exploding]

[Uncle Sam and Benjamin Franklin laughing]

Sorry about the whole cliffside showdown earlier.

I was real surprised you all hated the 4th of July so much.

Well, due to the 1996 Will Smith blockbuster Independence Day, I assumed it was deeply antialien.

Ditto on that one.

They fucked the aliens up so bad at the end.

That movie sucks.

Jesse, if they let us do any more holiday specials, you can pick which one, but don’t bet on it.

It’s a strange time in the industry.

Oh, geez. Thanks, guys.

I can’t wait.

I pick Women’s Right to Choose Day.

Hopefully, that doesn’t get us deported.

Oh, whoa. Would you look at that?

I guess you actually shot me back there on the cliff.

Ah, this whole time, I’ve been in shock.

[Solars laughing]

It’s not the 4th of July until someone gets hurt.

Oh, could we go to the hospital maybe?

[siren blaring]

Ah!

[fireworks exploding]

[Solars screaming]

[static crackling]

[flies buzzing]

Oh, you guys were way right.

Room temp peanut butter’s so much better than that cold shit.

[mouth full] I told you we were right and you were wrong.

Sorry I triggered that high-concept PB gang war.

I feel like a total dumb-dumb.

We forgive you.

I’m just relieved we’re eating sandwiches as a family again.

Anyone want more milk?

What the fuck is that doing under the sink?

Where do you keep your milk?

[Solars laughing]

[Korvo laughing]

[Korvo chuckles]

Milk under the sink.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[♪ vocalist humming]

[♪ humming continues]

[♪ gentle guitar music continues]

Aw, cute.

Look at us all studying soil samples together.

Nice to not be throwing stuff at each other for once.

We fight hard, but we love hard.

Sometimes, we’re bad at communicating, but when we do, nothing can tear this family apart.

Aw, family.

[AISHA] Ha, I told you.

Fighting’s just their love language.

They fight because they care.

It’s annoying as hell, but it’s how they have to process everything, and they’ll always come together.

[JK Sevens beeping]

That’s right.

Keep that on the shelf for the next time you’re feelin’ down.

AISHA’s always got your back, little guy.

Thanks, AISHA.

[♪ gentle guitar music continues]

[♪ humming continues]

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who came up with shaboomboom.

As long as we say it…

[Solars] As a family.

I do wonder where it came from though.

G’day!

Aw, and good day to you, too.

Where have you been all day, you little gooper?

Aw.

Oh! Aw.

[Jesse laughing]

See, this is nice. Glad to finally…

Hey! JK, are you fucking filming us?

[static crackling]

[♪ gentle guitar music continues]

[♪ humming continues]

[♪ humming continues]

[mimicking laser fire]

* * *

Solar Opposites – S06E06 – The Maturity Point Redistribution Device | Transcript

Terry’s immaturity results in the Solar Opposites to lose their maturity. The Wall people establishes a flight crew to get to the shrink ray.

[♪ foreboding theme playing]

At the risk of sounding like a narc, I love my federally mandated Real ID.

[Korvo] The hologram is spectacular.

This is some next-level identification.

It makes me miss the totalitarian days of the home world.

This is the best picture of me by a country mile, the sexiest type of mile.

Terry’s going to be so pissed he slept through our DMV appointment.

[scoffs] And he thought it would be boring.

They had a bloody pen with a chain.

[door creaking] [monkeys chattering, hooting] What in the wide world of battle apes is happening in here?

We’re poor and they’re smashing all our stuff.

Terrance Von Solar Opposites!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I-I-I was watching Planet of the Apes 9: Back to Apesics, and I got to thinking I should befriend the smarter apes now so they spare me when they rise.

We’re still all mingling, but I’m hoping some meaningful friendships will start to form by the weekend.

They don’t seem very smart, Terry.

Oh, my God. Did you just gather an assortment of apes without checking their IQs?

Yeah, you got me. I half-assed it.

They don’t want to be friends, or enslave humanity.

Okay, get ’em outta here!

You’re the one who brought them!

I’m realizing it’s way easier to acquire apes than it is to get rid of them.

They lose half their value the second you drive them off the lot.

Ow! Hey!

Okay, I-I didn’t want to resort to this, but I have a plan.

Shoo, apes, shoo! Shoo, I say!

Scram! Begone!

That’s your plan?

I’m doing some top-shelf shooshooing.

Jesus, you got a better idea?

[poop splatters]

Well, if you give ’em fidget spinners, of course they’ll calm down.

It’s called cheating. Hello?

I don’t want to hear it. You’re lucky today is exotic animal pickup day.

[lift whirring] [monkeys screeching] [elephants trumpeting, animals chittering]

[trash collector]

This is a real waste of apes!

You people disgust me!

Well, I tell you what.

I learned a valuable lesson today.

Oh, yeah. What?

Oh, uh, okay. Oh, hold on.

Hold on. I got this.

Oh, oh. Next time I free an ape, make sure it’s the Caesar ape.

No apes at all!

Caesar was just a character in a movie, and movies aren’t real.

March of the Penguins wasn’t real?

[sobbing]

[door opens] [Terry] No!

Nobody tell him that one was real.

[Korvo]

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia, until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa, and escaped into space, searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.

I’m the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It’s a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

How come humans only do C-sections for babies?

Why not for large poops? Live a little.

[♪ dramatic music swells]

[♪ tense music playing]

[Ringo panting]

[Pezlie crying]

[♪ tense music continues]

Oh! Please, don’t hurt us.

[cackling] That’s right.

Cower before The Duke!

Ah! [huffing] Stupid subconscious metaphor dreams.

That’s so on the nose.

Come on. Take some creative risks.

[gulping] Ah.

[group chattering]

We can’t climb that laundry pile.

It’s like a mountain of stained underwear and bounty hunter pants.

The laundry’s the least of our problems.

We’ll launch from above and glide over it.

What I’m worried about is what we can’t see.

It’s just a kid’s bedroom.

How dangerous could it be?

It’s an alien’s room, and at our scale, it’s like crossing the Sahara, but instead of sand, it’s got Yumyulack’s traps.

That big blue bastard’s using the Shrink Ray as bait.

He’s set up all sorts of freaky little Kevin McCallister traps for us.

It doesn’t matter.

We have to get to that Shrink Ray.

Project Ariana must and will succeed.

Project Ariana?

Because it’s how we’re going to get grande again.

Polling shows 95% of The Wall is behind the mission.

It’s the most united we’ve ever been.

Every level chipped in resources so we could build the Ariana One, a roomphibious craft, specifically designed to get us to the Shrink Ray.

By the grace of Jesse, we will have our revenge on Yumyulack.

[all applauding]

[♪ heartfelt music playing]

What about the other 5%?

The what?

You said 95% of The Wall’s behind you, but what about the other five that want to see Project Ariana go up in flames, like her relationship with Pete Davidson?

There is a conservative minority that believes we should stay small and avoid antagonizing Yumyulack.

Led by The Falcon, a fan of yours.

Of who I used to be.

That 5% are just haters.

We need to focus on recruiting a team to operate the Ariana One.

For a suicide mission.

A mission that will set us free.

[Terry] Stop! I don’t want to be scanned.

I only ate marshmallow Peeps for breakfast.

All you’re gonna see is farts.

[AISHA] Why y’all draggin’ Terry on to this ship kicking and screaming like he’s written and directed by Noah Baumbach?

He filled the house with apes, yet showed no remorse.

It was too dumb.

Something’s off in Terry’s brain.

We think he slammed his head in the freezer door for a Reels and damaged the cauliflower he has instead of a brain.

Counterpoint, I’m just built different.

You’re constantly digging in my coat pockets lookin’ for coins when you could just ask me!

You prank called me today while we were on the couch together.

Come on!

You thought it was Obama. [chuckling] [AISHA] Mmhmm. This all sounds normal for someone with no maturity points.

What are you talking about, maturity points?

[AISHA]

Every Shlorpian gets a different mix of personality upgrades at the start of the mission.

They gas up space exploration abilities like bravery, intelligence, leadership, and, uh, huh, maturity.

See? Terry was out of his seat when his maturity points were being updated.

Look, you three all got some maturity right there.

[monitor beeping] Terry, you’re a zero.

Hell, yes, dawg. What do I win?

My God, Terry.

No wonder you are the way you are.

I’m sorry for how I’ve yelled at you.

There’s nothing wrong with me.

He doesn’t have the maturity to understand this, and that’s okay.

Given the diagnosis, you’ve actually achieved a lot.

I’ve achieved nothing, thank you very much. [grunts] And don’t you dare look at me with any sympathy!

Look alive. You are now the flight crew of the Ariana One.

This is a mission with unknown obstacles.

As such, you were each selected for your different skill sets.

[Cherie] We got the athletes, the demolition guy, the navigator, and the tactical, but we still gotta find a pilot.

We need someone who can sail a boat, fly a plane, and expertly drive a tank.

I know just the guy.

[both] Captain Greg!

[♪ energetic music playing]

[people laughing] Ooh, I love your hat, Captain Greg.

[chuckling] Well, well, it’s rare to see our fearless leaders at this low of an altitude.

The WallNeeds me?

Yeah, I figured. I just got one question.

Do I have time to get off before I take off?

[fans giggling]

[Captain Greg moaning] Gotta be honest.

I’m not loving Captain Greg’s vibe.

Who cares, as long as he gets the job done?

[Captain Greg spits] Oh, my God, he just spit on her lips.

No, no, no.

Oh, no. Don’t tell me.

[Captain Greg burps] He just full burped in her mouth.

Ooh, she’s into it.

[Captain Greg] Nice.

[Nova gags] If he can drive as well as he can suck face, we’re good.

Oh, now her hands are in his pants.

Come on.

We’ll see you at the ship.

Ooh, drivezies! Where are we going?

Oh, uh, nowhere.

Then why are you putting your shoes on?

[Korvo, Yumyulack, and Jesse groan] We’re going to see the French remake of Ace Ventura.

You’re seeing Le Détective Pour Chien et Chats without moi?

Yeah! You get way too hyper at the movies.

I don’t even know what that word means.

I’ll bet you $10 billion that you can’t name a single time I was hyper, hyper, hyper!

Okay, well, at Meg 4: Meggy Christmas, you wandered around the theater on a speaker phone call, then smacked your face on the cup holder, and then cried until an usher kicked us out.

But we forgive you ’cause now we know you got zero maturity.

This is not becoming a thing.

We just want to avoid putting you in situations we know you can’t handle.

You get that, don’t ya, champ?

Yeah, totally. I get it.

Hey, um, hang here for a sec.

I’ll BR back.

[sobbing]

AISHA, I want dem maturity points, and I want dem now!

[AISHA] That’s not how it works.

Ah, gimme maturity.

I want to watch a movie without making it about me.

[buttons beeping] [AISHA] Ah! Don’t touch that.

Which button is it?

[slams hands]

[display beeping]

[alarm blaring]

Huh. Is that a good red light?

[AISHA] No!

[antenna whooshing] [rays pulsing]

[Korvo, Yumyulack, and Jesse groan]

[display beeping]

[AISHA] You just zeroed out everybody else’s maturity points.

Maybe we won’t even notice.

[Yumyulack] There he is!

Terry, let’s hang out!

We bailed on the movie!

I can’t sit in a chair for over an hour.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Let’s chug a Jake Paul soda and jump off the roof.

Really? Alright.

I could get used to this.

And you thought it would be bad.

Yeah!

[all laughing] [AISHA] Having fun is bad.

Man, what do I care?

When did I become such a cop?

[grunting] H-hang on, this is gonna be rough.

Watch the downdraft from the ceiling fan.

What the fuck is downdraft?

[crew screaming] [door clattering] [Captain Greg screaming] [ship crashing]

[slow clapping]

Simulation’s over. Congratulations!

You’re all fuckin’ dead.

This guy can’t just make up words like downdraft and expect me to know what to do.

What? Even I know downdraft’s a thing.

What kind of pilot are you?

Look, I’m not a real pilot. Okay?

I was on my way to a Halloween party dressed as Pete Mitchell when Yumyulack threw an egg at me.

I caught it, threw it back, pegged him right in the face.

So he shrunk me down.

Who’s Pete Mitchell?

Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

You gotta be kidding me.

So you’ve never flown anything?

People just assumed I was a sky jockey, so I played into it because it helped me get so much pussy.

Get him outta here.

Let’s go.

[Captain Greg crying out]

This whole mission falls apart without a pilot.

Time is running out, and I am hungry, so we should definitely get a snack.

That last part isn’t part of the high stakes, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

[sighs] I know where to find a pilot.

Are you going to tell me who it is, or is it a secret until the third act?

[door creaking]

Um, guys?

[Korvo, Jesse, and Yumyulack gasp] I think I made a bit of a fashion mistake.

Is that the Jamiroquai hat from the band Jamiroquai?

It was the most expensive hat at Universal City Walk.

I know, I know.

You probably think it’s stupid.

[Jesse and Yumyulack cheering]

Oh, that looks sick, Terry.

Jamiroquai!

Wait, for rizzle?

I was worried you guys would hate it.

No way! I’m jealous.

Wow. I’ve never been more happy.

Finally, my family is just as immature as me.

Wanna watch Pimp My Ride and eat burnt popcorn with us?

I would be honored, sir.

Your friend said you had a bubbly personality.

So now bubbles come out your exhaust pipe.

Oh, I love when the pimpings get conceptual like this.

This is one of his best pimps yet.

I’m callin’ it.

Xzibit is the greatest pimper of all time.

But it shouldn’t just be ride.

He should pimp everything.

Oh, my God, yes!

That’s galaxy brain, dawg.

Terry, you just pimped the very concept of Pimp My Ride.

Xzibit would be really proud.

I know I am.

[all giggling]

[Ringo groaning]

[Nova screams]

Oh, it’s you.

We have terrible news.

Toronto got an NFL team?

Cherie went to find a pilot, but we think the Falcon kidnapped her.

Goddammit! This is all my fault.

I never should have left her side.

They left a note.

“Send The Duke.

He’s the only one who’ll know where to go”?

So, where is she?

I don’t know. I told you.

I don’t even remember being the fucking Duke.

[blow smacks] [Ringo groans] You better start remembering.

Cherie’s life depends on it.

Stop running away from your past.

Easy for you to say, but you don’t have my past. Good day.

But it’s nighttime.

I said good day!

Hey, guys, I got some cool news.

I was down at the docks throwing champagne bottles at ships when I got chased and peeked inside a dock where I saw an Aerosmith Revolution X arcade game being shipped to Xzibit!

[Korvo, Yumyulack, and Jesse gasp] Does this mean what I think it means?

I mean, what else could it mean?

I want it to mean that the arcade game is going to Xzibit’s house.

Is that what it means?

You bet your ass it is.

And if that box is going, then we can, too.

Bro, that sounds sus.

It’s not sus, bro. It’s lit.

We hide inside the cabinet, get delivered to Xzibit’s house, and become best friends with him.

And then we could tell him about our ideas for all the different things to pimp.

We have to do this right now.

It feels so good to not have to argue with you guys about my ideas.

♪♪

This is the one.

Everyone got their shirts?

Yeah, boyyy!

Almost done with my…

Ow, God! This iron gets hot!

Did you guys see that?

Remember, for the big reveal, pop out so our shirts are pimp side first, then we flip around for ride.

After that, Xzibit will probably want to say something like a little speech, and then we’ll party it up!

Zib’s gonna love this!

Stay quiet or we’ll ruin the surprise.

[horn toots] Ooh, ooh, ooh. I’m gonna grab some spicy fruit for the trip.

Ooh, get me melon!

[door thuds] [Terry] Excuse me, mamacita.

Do you have durian?

[hammers thudding]

[lift whirring]

This was the last exhibit.

All that evidence is ready to be shipped off to The Hague for that war crimes trial.

What does an Aerosmith arcade machine have to do with violating humanitarian laws?

Some sick fuck general shot up an entire town with CDs.

He got the idea from Rev X.

His name’s all over the high score.

Oh, no!

[AISHA] They’re stuck in some arcade game at the docks right now?

You full of shit.

We were just trying to sneak into Xzibit’s house.

[AISHA] What the fuck?

I feel like I’ve missed a whole section of this story.

Why didn’t you tell the dock workers?

They were adults with clipboards.

I was scared they’d be mad.

[AISHA] Terry, you don’t have the maturity to navigate the password application process.

You gotta get them out of the arcade before it goes to The Hague.

The Hague isn’t in town?

I thought it was that Greek restaurant by the pet cemetery.

[AISHA] It’s a town in the Netherlands!

My family’s going to be stuck in the Nether, and it’s all my fault.

[AISHA] [sighs]

I don’t like it, but there is a way to give you a boost of maturity to deal with this.

Yes, a thousand times yes.

Mummy needs a shortcut.

[AISHA] But take it slow.

Your synaptic dendrobs aren’t used to having any maturity at all.

If you use too much, your system will overload and you could explode, you simple bitch.

Cool, whatever.

Deal with that later. Gimme!

[beeping]

[thrumming]

[synapses zapping]

[AISHA] That was one maturity point.

You feel okay?

I do.

Just give me a second to organize my thoughts.

[AISHA] That sounds responsible to me.

Hmm. The dock office opens at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.

I’ll set an alarm and go to bed on time.

[AISHA] Now that’s some forethought.

[alarm beeping]

[Terry] I’ll set the alarm for 6:00 a.m.

because the maps app says it’s a 52minute commute.

That’ll give me time to shower, put on an appropriate outfit, and eat a sensible breakfast.

I’m thinking oatmeal, high fiber.

I’ll skip the OJ.

I should probably pack a lunch in case I’m there a while.

Where are my car keys? Oh, no.

I’ve reached the limits of my maturity.

[head thudding]

[gasps]

[AISHA] If you use too much, you could explode, you simple bitch.

I have no choice.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[beeping]

[synapses zapping]

Ah, well, there’s not a lot of places I put my keys.

Better retrace my steps.

I had them when I got the creamer.

Ah, there they are, in the fridge.

[keys jingling] Time to drive the speed limit, obey all traffic laws, not get distracted by fast food, and save my family.

[gasps] The McBrisket’s back!

[engine roaring] [tires squealing] I’m supposed to know where to find Cherie? How?

I can’t even remember my own past. Oh, no.

Ugly son of a bitch. Ah!

I’m doing this for the good of The Wall.

[Cherie] The bastard is flooding the lower level!

[liquid gurgling]

[screaming]

Bastard! What did you do?

AISHA, there’s some guy guarding the lot.

I can’t drive and interact with an authority figure.

[AISHA] [on phone]

It’s just a parking attendant, Terry.

You’re fine.

I’m-I’m not mature enough for this.

I need another hit.

[AISHA]

No! You have enough maturity. Just try.

Hey, where you headed, chief?

The lost and f-found sector, sir.

Great. So you’ll drive around to Structure Three, just past our northeast loading dock.

You can park in any spot marked with a V.

That’s P4 and below.

It’s so much information.

I can’t handle this!

[whooshing]

[information thrumming]

[synapses zapping]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Structure three, marked with a V.

Got it. Thanks.

Have a good one. Time to enjoy some jazz.

[♪ smooth jazz music playing]

[humming] [AISHA] Terry, goddammit.

You’re too mature.

Put on Kidz Bop 38.

You hear me?

[scatting] Lost and found, how may I help you?

Hi, my family’s lost.

One of your longshoremen nailed them into an arcade game.

I’d like for them to be found.

Do you have an appointment?

How could I have an appointment?

It was an accident.

You’ll need to create an appointment over there.

It’s a simple set of forms.

Forms? I’ve never filled out a form in my life!

My handwriting looks like spaghetti!

An iPad with no games, just questions?

What year is it? Social Security Number?

Oh, God! I don’t even know my zip code at all!

I don’t even know one number!

I knew this day would come.

Ah, ah! I can’t, but I must.

[whooshing] [information thrumming]

[synapses zapping]

[sighs] Alright, name, date, zip code with all nine numerals.

Easy peasy, and because I’m mature, lemon squeezy.

[hums] And submit.

[whooshes] The forms should be in your system by now, madam.

You’re all set. Just walk this down to my supervisor.

Two lefts and a right, through the breezeway, and out the double doors once you pass the elevators.

What?

Here is a vague map.

[Terry grunts]

[♪ foreboding music playing]

Where’s Cherie, you sick fuck?

Where would you take her?

[portal whirring]

[gasps]

Hey, bitch.

It’s me, the possum you friggin’ killed.

I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Well, some part of you does, otherwise you wouldn’t be having this sweet vision.

Check it. [possum growls] Ow!

You fuck bag! I’m gon…

Oh, I remember. We killed each other!

Ding, ding, ding. You win a prize.

Now, come on. Let’s go save your friend.

[possum growls]

[Ringo yelps]

[♪ foreboding music playing]

Are those my memories?

Yeah, you tell me, bitch.

It’s your dumb life.

Please stop calling me bitch.

How about you please stop killin’ possums!

I’m just trying to remember something that helps me find my friend.

Oh, God. I had to do that.

I was the only one who could keep The Wall together.

Oh, starting to remember?

[gasping] Stop! Stop.

That’s not me! That’s The Duke.

He died. I’m Ringo.

The Duke is Ringo!

No!

[sobbing] No! No!

Next! We got a Terry Solar Opposites out here?

I’m the grouchiest bureaucrat in the building.

Getting anything past me takes patience and emotional regulation.

If you can’t do that, then don’t waste my friggin’ time.

[gasps] Who the fuck needs all those clipboards?

[foghorn blares]

This is too much.

I’m mature enough to know I shouldn’t do this, but I’m out of time.

No more messing around.

[Terry screaming]

[groaning]

[drive beeping]

I… am… maturity!

Ah, great. Now you’re glowing?

I got paperwork to do in here, taxes, reimbursements.

I don’t got time to screw around with any sci-fi shenanigans!

Hello. It is I, Terry Solar Opposites, officially checking in.

I like your Eames chair.

I appreciate its practicality.

Oh, you think you’re mature just ’cause you’re glowin’.

Let’s see if you can keep it together while I ask you boring questions!

All these floating memories!

It’s so hacky!

[screaming] Too many memories!

There has to be a better way to visualize this.

You must remember.

I remember. I remember everything.

Awkward. This is where you killed me.

Right by the playset, where Cherie and I spent months hiding and becoming friends.

That’s it!

The one place where you were both The Duke and Ringo.

To save Cherie, I had to be both.

Thanks, possum.

Ooh, that’s a lot of possum guts.

[Nova] [echoing] Ringo?

I’m gonna wake up now.

[gasps] [Nova] Are you okay?

I know where those fuckers took Cherie.

Look, Mr. Solar Opposites, I have zero patience for BS claims, so you better hope you got your facts straight.

Now when did this incident–

Yesterday, between the hours of 4:30 p.m. and 4:35 p.m.

Do you know which arcade game–

Aerosmith Revolution X, serial number F3892A7.

It was hoisted up to row eight, slot 35 on South Dock B.

Bring it to me.

[stammers]

It’s not that simple. We have policies.

[energy whooshing] I have absorbed your policies.

Transporting aliens is a violation of over 100 of them as well as three dozen international treaties.

Can you stop hovering over me?

I cannot.

[lift whirring]

[Korvo, Yumyulack, and Jesse cheering] We love you, Xzibit!

It’s pimping time!

Pimp, pimp!

Ah, man.

We’re still on the docks?

Family, I’m so happy you’re safe.

Oh, my God, Terry.

What did you have to do to get us back?

Just some… paperwork.

Sign here and you’re all set.

[Terry groaning, zapping]

Good. For parking validation, you gotta double back to reception and give them your license plate, then…

[Terry groaning] Terry!

[♪ adventurous music playing]

Hmm, smells like a trap.

Let me go in first.

Hands in the air! This is a rescue!

What the hell?

Took you long enough.

Cherie, you’re not kidnapped?

No, we made that up.

We had to do something to jolt your memories back.

To punish me for the horrible things I did.

I deserve it.

No, sorry about that.

We probably went too far.

You’ve already paid the ultimate price, but there are other older memories I need to unlock.

Like what?

Your life before The Wall.

We were trapped in this playset for a long time.

We talked about everything.

You told me about Orlando.

[voice echoing]

Orlando, this is Delta FiveNiner requesting…

Hiya, mister. Can I have some of your pilot wings?

It’s my birthday.

I’m trying to land. Get outta here!

Land this, bitch!

[gun zaps] [Ringo screams]

[airplane throttling]

Jesus, just take them and go.

I have a family.

Sweet. Thanks.

I was a pilot!

This is about Project Ariana.

We’re never going to get grande again without a pilot I can trust, a pilot with experience.

Captain Ringo, The Wall needs you.

Well, then, get me a goddamn bomber jacket.

[AISHA] Those drip sets are filling your maturity points back up nice and slow.

Y’all feeling responsible?

Oh, yeah. I want to yell at a kid on a mini bike for not wearing his helmet.

Feels good to be in control of my impulses again.

[liquid gurgling]

Will he be okay?

[AISHA] Yeah, but he went too far.

There’s a very good chance that when he wakes up, Terry will be slightly more mature.

[all gasping] [group] Oh, no!

[Korvo] [sobbing] No! No!

[popcorn crunching]

Hey, Terry, wanna come see L’Ace Ventura?

It’s a special midnight screening for hyper kids where you can yell at the screen and throw popcorn.

H-h-how about a matinee?

It’s cheaper and will give me time to clean out the gutters and change the smoke detector batteries.

Susure, buddy. Whatever you want.

I bet we can save at least 69 bucks if we go to a 4:20 screening.

[all laughing]

I’m back, baby!

Now that’s the immature shithead I fell in love with.

Come here, you.

[Korvo, Terry moaning]

I’m thirsty for juice.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

♪♪

[mimicking laser fire]

* * *

Solar Opposites – S06E07 – The Realm of Satin and Swords | Transcript

Terry becomes hooked on Romantasy books and he and Korvo soon go through a real fantasy adventure. Jesse and Yumyulack discover that their principal has turned into a pupa and attempt to undo the damage.

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[birds chirping]

[♪ elegant music playing]

Oh…

[♪ flute playing]

[door slams open] My Lord, we just captured this rogue trespassing in the Royal Forest.

He came from the Dark Lands.

‘Tis forbidden to cross the border to the Fae Realm.

Whost dareth?

I dareth!

By the gods, I never knew a non–

Fae could be so beautiful.

Right back at you, you big naughty fairy. [giggles]

[gasps]

My Lord, Fae Law demands trespassers be decapitated immediately.

You ain’t decapitating shit, you Spock ass-lookin’ bitch.

[♪ epic music playing]

He has a lightning cutlass!

Wah!

[flesh squelching] Bollocks, Terry, did you fall asleep reading on the toilet again?

No, no, no, I was pooping.

Dropping a deuce.

Busting a growler, taking a big old American dump.

Everybody knows we don’t have buttholes.

I bet you were dreaming of being in those ridiculous romantasy books again.

I wasn’t asleep.

I was just making sure all 12 of my inner eyelids touch when I close them.

Get up! We’re going to be late for Kevin’s stupid dinner party thing, which he’s texted me an embarrassing number of reminders about.

Give me two minutes.

I’m at a sex scene, and I want to see how heavy this guy’s balls are.

Why do we even have a bathroom?

Well, it’s the best place to read books and shampoo bottles.

You want a Dos Equis?

Ugh, fine.

[doorbell rings]

Terry, Korvo, welcome to Casa de Kevino!

Kevdog, I brought a fivepack of Sydney Sweeney Sweet Tea.

It was a sixpack, but I got no impulse control, so I chugged one on the 25second walk over.

And I brought you this banner.

Quora said to bring a gift, and I found it in a dumpster.

Um, okay, thanks.

I will help you hang it immediately.

Where are your drywall anchors?

And to end the last book on such a cliffhanger!

What will happen to Jaztopher’s pendant?

Wait, are you talking about the Realm of Satin and Swords by J.Q. Pringle?

We’re obsessed.

I love romantasy!

It’s got twice the adjectives than any other genre.

Chapter 50, where Cassandra and Grimoire met? So cute.

How their hands touched when they both reached for the lamb shank?

[all swoon]

Reminds me of how Herb and I met.

Spill it, sister!

We were randomly on the same plane to Allentown.

Herb bribed the flight attendant so he could sit with me.

We were in love by the time we landed.

Aw, I love that for you!

Just north of stalker behavior.

Kevin and I met when we got locked in the same bathroom at Cabela’s.

I thought it was one of those allgender bathrooms, but Cabela’s went to the Supreme Court to prevent that.

Aw! I bet it smelled like ammunition and piss.

How did you and Korvo meet?

Oh, it was…

It was pretty standard. Just normal.

Just a normal way.

What? I love how we met.

Back on the home world, I was designated as mission participant 658942, and Terry was mission participant 658943!

Honey, no one wants to hear this.

Our numeric propinquity made us teammates.

So your numbers were close?

That’s not romantic at all.

That’s right, wives of men.

As passionless as you can get.

I-I have to go!

I left a sirloin defrosting in my toilet!

I am leaving also.

I would come up with an excuse, but, really, I just hate this stuff and I hate being around all of you.

Give me back my banner!

[Korvo]

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia, until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa, and escaped into space, searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.

I’m the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It’s a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why is everyone so impressed with Shakespeare?

“Hark” and “forsooth.”

Human theater sucks!

Talk to me after you’ve watched Zorzacks blow the roof off the Shlorpocenter with a closing monologue of “All the Little Creebies.”

Now that’s a play!

[♪ dramatic music swells]

Rewrote our opening mock statement last night.

Jesse, the mock trial starts in a few hours.

Wanted to try a new mock approach.

Shit, this is good. Really good.

This is county high school mock trial championships.

We got to crush it.

Let’s go over the mock case [grunts] one more time.

Today, we’re mock representing the Dave Matthews Band.

While our rivals, North Shore Charter, will be mock representing the passengers of the Chicago River Boat Tour.

Mr. Matthews and bandmates are accused of dumping the contents of their bus’s septic tank through the Kinzie Street Bridge.

Gallons of fetid pee and ploppers rained down on these victims, whose boat was traveling in the river below.

A veritable Kevin James amount of jam bandgrade human waste got in their eyes, mouths, and ears.

There was no space between for them to escape.

The passengers are mock suing the band for extreme physical and emotional distress, plus $10 for the boat tickets.

This was a real court case from 2004! Look it up!

What the hell was that?

It’s gonna be tough today.

North Shore has never lost a mock trial.

I hear one of their moms is Ally McBeal.

Freakin’ nepo babies.

[knocking on door]

[Principal Cooke]

Jesse, Yumyulack, open up!

[both gasp]

[Yumyulack] Principal Cooke?

What the hell?

You’ve been getting such good grades.

I thought we were bros!

We are bros.

Then why do I look like this?

It wasn’t us. We’ve been mock practicing.

Tell us what happened.

I was at Lids at the mall buying a Miami Hurricanes flat brim.

You went to University of Miami?

I wish! The hat’s aspirational.

That doesn’t matter.

I saw the pupa, dapped him up, and a few seconds later, I looked like this.

Pupa clearly did something during that dap.

You got to help me.

I don’t have my balls anymore.

Principal Cooke is not himself without his big, hairy balls.

What do you want for dinner?

Mango and blue cheese Wetzel’s?

I don’t want to hear it!

But that’s your favorite mall snack.

What don’t you want to hear?

I don’t like how all those other couples had meet cute stories.

Ours sucks.

But it was numerical.

I just wish the way we met had more romance, like Cassandra and Grimoire in Realm of Satin and Swords.

Well, I want our lives to be more about solving science crimes like in Douglas Preston books, but nobody ever drops us into a case.

Our life is a science crime!

Why don’t you go shop at that romantasy store while I grab your secondfavorite mall snack?

A chicken parm sundae from Cold Stone Creamery?

And gravy affogato just the way you like it, my king.

[kisses]

So Principal Cooke is a pupa now?

[AISHA] He’s just pupashaped.

He doesn’t have any pupa powers.

He can’t terraform or predict the final score of an NHL game.

But why? He’s never reshaped anyone before.

Answer the question!

Why aren’t you answering the question?

[AISHA] Jesus, dude, chill.

You guys have been giving pupa his flea and tick medication, right?

Uh, yeah, of course, we have.

Something so important, duh, we would never neglect it.

[AISHA] Jesse?

We didn’t.

We were so busy with the trial, we totally neglected the little guy.

Plus he bites and squirms and shakes those flea chemicals on us.

You can’t just instantly squeal, Lisa Simpson.

It’s just fleas. How bad could it be?

[AISHA] The little freaks are sucking up his goo, which they transfer to other people when they bite them, too.

The goo is what’s turning them pupashaped.

Holy Skyler Gisondo, how do we fix this?

[AISHA] You’re gonna have to find pupa.

We can use his juice to nullify the effects of the goo and get Principal Cooke back to normal.

AISHA, sometimes it feels like you’re just making stuff up.

[AISHA] Well, sometimes it feels like you don’t know shit about being a goddamn alien!

We got to solve this quick.

The mock trial is starting soon, and I’m playing Dave Matthews.

I was going to harmonica solo while getting crossexamined!

Oh, no, the pupa could be anywhere.

Pupa’s a master at disappearing without a trace.

We won’t find him unless he wants to be found.

What about the glowing slime trail?

[Jesse] Huh? I don’t see that.

[AISHA] His eyes are pupashaped.

He can see stuff we can’t.

Whatever. His pupils look just as squiggly as ours.

Now the pupa leaves a slime trail?

[AISHA] Stop trying to poke holes.

Get out of here, you fake aliens!

You’re not even an alien.

You’re a stupid app.

[laser zaps] [Yumyulack yelps] Terry, welcome back.

Or as the Fae say, “Parf dedoco gumquist.”

And a “bee bee woo woo” to you, my good sir.

Just got in the new Stanley Cup collab with Realm of Satin and Swords.

Whoa! You’ve got the Crest of Stakatz?

And the straw is the Reed of Truth!

Badass! I’ll take six. [sighs] Terry, whatever’s wrong isn’t going to be fixed by buying half a dozen insulated tumblers.

Well, I’m obsessing about how the way me and Korvo met wasn’t cute at all.

It’ll always be a stanky stain on our otherwise crisp, lemonfresh relationship.

But I guess there’s nothing I can do.

Oh, but there is.

[♪ pensive music playing]

Whoa!

The storage area! So the legends are true.

This is where we keep our forbidden items.

Finally, some elf porn!

No, that’s right up front by the register.

Here, we have powerful potions, crystals, and charms.

Back here, the magic is real.

Wow! I never knew a store that shares a wall with a Happy Socks could even have secrets.

Terry, I understand your frustration with your meet not cute.

[Terry] Ooh!

This enchanted lip balm could be what you need.

Apply, then kiss your beloved.

It’ll go right to the romantic part of his brain and make him want to meet you all over again.

What, like time travel or wiping his memories?

We do that too much.

No, it’ll just make him do meet cutes until you get the story you want.

Using magic!

Ooh!

[dove thuds] Shut up! I have been wanting to dip my toes into other genres.

Any monkey’s pawtype bad catches to this thing?

Uh, let’s say no.

Good enough for me! [yelps] Hell yeah! Magic sparkles are how you know it’s the real shit.

Hey, KorvyWorvy. Whatcha doin’?

Playing backgammon by mail with a supposed Swiss genius, but I think this guy’s faking his rolls.

Oh, wow, interesting.

Hey, give me a smooch.

[kisses]

Do you feel any different?

Nope. Still just mistrusting of the Swiss.

I better double up just in case.

[kissing]

How about now?

This hot cocoa whore claims he rolled doubles twice in a row.

How is that possible?

[Terry groans]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Anything?

Yes!

The perfect roll for my backgammon game.

Ha, Maximilian!

You’re in for a world of pain.

Terry, you fool! I should have never trusted mall magic.

[sniffing] Hmm, up ahead. It’s the pupa.

Everyone be quiet.

I want him to hear this.

Pupa, you’re in a buttload of trouble, mister!

[♪ dramatic musical sting]

[all gasp] That’s not pupa!

It’s pupashaped EGOT winner and TV host Jerry O’Connell!

Hey, wow. How’s it going?

Call me JOC. That’s what my Sliders Slideohs call me.

[coughs]

Oh, my God, Jerry O’Connell?

I’m such a fan.

I never missed an episode of The Talk.

Jerry O, how did you get pupashaped out here in the forest?

I shouldn’t be telling y’all this, but I’m supposed to be meeting Wil Wheaton here to rehearse scenes for Stand By Me 2: Still Standing.

Wow, the rumors on the Rob Reiner Discord are true for once!

I found this weird little creature hiding Skittles under a log.

I gave him a belly rub and next thing I knew, I looked like this!

He must have gotten bit by the flea!

[phone vibrating] Shit, I got a text from Ms. Frankie.

They started jury selection.

Come on, JOC.

We’ll get you back to your handsome, chiseled self.

Take us to the pupa!

Fuckin’ stupid romantasy store sellin’ stupid fake magic.

Didn’t even have elf porn.

[car collides] Ah! What the hell?

You picked the wrong day to rear end me, you piece of…

[♪ bright folk pop music playing]

Korvo?

Sorry. All my fault.

I caught sight of you in your side mirror, and it distracted me.

Why are you being so cute?

[gasps] Oh, my God!

It’s happening. The lip balm worked.

Gosh, how nice to meet you.

What? We’re not meeting if we’re already married.

This makes no sense.

You know what?

Let me apologize by taking you out for a lunch of freshcaught salmon.

But I’m gonna roll with it.

Reel me in, captain!

To moving violations, and meeting your soulmate.

This is officially the cutest way to meet for lunch.

Screw that couple who met on the plane and double screw that couple who met in the Cabela’s.

[fork clatters] [Terry grunts] Huh? Must have gone to wipe his pits.

[Terry choking]

Oh! Uh, we need a doctor!

[Korvo grunting]

Oh!

Ah! Oh, man, thanks for saving my life. [gasps]

[♪ bright folk pop music playing]

Hi, Terry.

I’m Korvo. Nice to meet you.

[laughs] Is this a bonus meet cute?

How lucky am I?

How about I take you out for boba tea to thank you for being so sexy?

Compared to the fender bender, this feels kinda lateral in terms of cuteness, but I’ll take it!

[pupas sniffing]

[both barking]

There he is!

Oh, shit, the 5O’s got him. Be cool.

Officer, what’s going on?

Just caught these two scalping tickets to the 3 Body Problem On Ice.

Yeah, you gotta let them go.

We need this one’s juice so we can mock trial.

Nice try. I’ve fallen for that excuse too many…

[screams]

Hey, what the hell?

You got bit by the fleas.

Oh, no, I think they’re on us too.

[both scream]

Shit, shit, shit. Grab the pupa, quick!

[tires screech]

Oh, my God. That car was two days from retirement.

[dogs panting]

What the fuck? Stupid dogs! [yelps]

[♪ bright folk pop music playing]

I’m so sorry.

My pugs, they just love the smell of a hot alien.

Ow! [yelping] [dogs growling] Ah!

I’m sorry. Our ultimate game got wild.

Can I take you home for white wine?

Hah. That one actually kinda hurt.

Hello? KKorKorvo?

Don’t meet cute me, okay?

I-I just want a break.

Ah!

Oh, no, all my hot coffee!

[skin sizzling] You come here often?

[Terry screaming]

These meet cutes are getting violent. Ah!

Everyone get on the ground!

Sorry, I thought there was a hostage situation in here, but the only captive is my heart.

I’m done with this stupid mall magic! Ah!

I don’t care that I don’t have a receipt.

I’m returning this lip balm, and you’re giving me store credit.

What the hell?

You’re too late.

The fairies folded up shop.

Wait, did you say fairies?

Well, technically they’re the Fae, the magical creatures who ran this store, and I’ve been huntin’ them for 20 years.

The name’s Val Helsing.

What’s Val short for?

Valgina!

Uh-huh. W-w-well, the Fae can’t be real.

They’re just made up for the books.

Yeah, that’s what I used to think.

My husband was always bad at giving gifts.

I got a handwritten ticket to Pound Town three birthdays in a row.

So I bought a magic mouthwash from the Armor & Amour store in Tucson.

Well, did it work?

Too well!

He never stopped gifting until he literally gave me his heart.

Ripped it right out of his chest Temple of Doom style and just died right at my feet.

Was he holding the heart?

I’m just trying to envision how that worked.

It was in a nice box.

Since then, I’ve dedicated my life to getting revenge on the Fae.

I have even found the ultimate antidote to romance.

Clipped toenails, the grossest reallife side of a relationship.

So how do we find these guys?

If Korvo keeps going, he can meet cute him himself to death!

This way. The Fae always have a secret grotto nearby.

[both yelping]

Whoa! Who knew there was a whole grotto under the mall?

Yeah, the Fae carve ’em out with magic.

I’m glad you’re with me.

Together, maybe we can win this war.

Yeah, dawg. It’s just like when Zolo and Pioter teamed up in Realm of Satin and Swords: Book Four, The Lace Lacener.

[scoffs] You got that right.

Aw, shit. They found us.

Who did? That little ball?

That wasn’t a ball. It was a…

[Val choking]

Oh, my God! Ow.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Well, it sucks that we’re shaped like pupas, but these blueberry coconut puffs are pretty great.

This is all our fault.

We should have given pupa his flea meds.

I was looking forward to wailing on my harmonica during the mock trial, but we can’t go like this.

Hey, when Kangaroo Jack stole my 50 grand, do you think I gave up?

Wasn’t that a movie?

No! It was based on real events, and I didn’t give up.

Me and Anthony Anderson chased Jack all over the Outback until we got our money, and then we ate him!

Is that how the movie ends?

Oh, come on.

You didn’t see it in theaters?

You can’t watch KJ on your phone.

It doesn’t have the same impact.

JOC is right.

And even shaped like a pupa, his rizz is off the charts.

We can’t give up. “Pupas” on three.

[all] One, two…

Pupas!

Goddammit, cop. I said on three!

Ah, what?

What the fairy hell?

Lance? I thought you were just a simple bookstore clerk.

Everyone who works at Armor & Amour is secretly a Fae with great abs.

It seems you’ve uncovered the truth.

Val Helsing gave me the deets before you cut off her head, you tiny yoked son of a bitch.

But she didn’t tell you why.

We actually only knew each other for, like, three minutes.

But we had fuckin’ vibes, man.

And she’s dead.

In olden times, humans believed in fairy tales.

We Fae gain our power from human belief.

With the rise of technology and Apple Pay, people stopped believing in magic and our existence was threatened.

Damn you, progress.

To save ourselves, we created the romantasy genre.

Our type of fantasy heavily mixed with nasty bedroom fantasy.

Through the combined lust of BookTok sluts and horny moms, we are powerful once again!

Thank God, a happy ending!

I’m not done.

You know what? I’ll just stop reacting until the end of the exposition.

Go, go, go. Tell your story.

We can feel the fad wearing thin.

And with the release of Dragon Age: The Veil Guard, we’ll lose our readers to smutty fan fiction.

Ooh, I’m saving that one for my next long horse ride.

But now, we have something more powerful.

Science fiction romantasy.

Sci-fi like me? I’m an alien.

Yes, that is the point.

The combination of our genre with yours will be more powerful than you can ever possibly imagine!

That’s cool with me, man. Can I leave?

No. You’re staying here while we harness your romantic synergy.

Joke’s on you. I’m not going to do anything sexy while you keep me here.

You don’t have to. He will.

Oh, don’t mind me. Just here to paint.

Korvo, snap out of it. Don’t meet cute…

Oh!

Sorry, I didn’t see you there.

Wow, is this your place?

No!

[Lance] It’s working!

[evil laughter]

Since the team from James Earl Jones Junior High isn’t here, I have no choice but to mock find the Dave Matthews Band guilty and sentence them to mock death by lethal inject[door slams open] Wait! The mock defense is here and ready to mock defend our mock clients!

Objection, Your Honor.

You can’t allow them to present.

They’re slugs. They’re just slugs.

There is nothing in the rule book that says pupas can’t mock practice law.

Overruled. The lawyers may call their first witness.

Ah!

Sorry, my gutter ball went a little wide.

You want to get a root beer float?

Korvo, there’s a patch in my pocket.

Grab it and sprinkle those antiromance nail clippings on these glowing strings.

With pleasure.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Thanks for the dirtyass nails, Val!

So can I take you out for some unseasoned baked chicken sometime?

Shut your meet cute ass up!

I think we’re home free.

Oh, shit! [yowls] Get back in your chamber and make more meet cutes!

Never! I demand we settle this by single combat!

[Fae gasping, exclaiming]

Who told you about that?

It’s in Realm of Satin and Swords: Book Six, The Cauldron of Lust and Butter.

Is that not my sacred right under Fae Law?

Yes, but it’s annoying.

This is going to be great.

One of these little golf balls is going to have to fight me and my neck is a lot harder to cut than a human’s.

I call forth our champion, Tinky Buttons!

What the hell is this freak?

That’s not fair.

[Lance] Let combat commence.

[growls]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Terry grunting and yelping]

Ow, ow, ow!

[groaning]

Sorry. Just doing some rock collecting.

Hola, me llamo Korvo.

I wish I’d never used that magic lip balm and tried to change the way we met.

Let me make it up to you by taking you out for duck roast, and then sex.

I should have just been happy with the real story of that computer on Shlorp putting us together.

I… I agree.

That was always perfect because our relationship is perfect.

Bloody hell. Where are we?

You’re back to normal!

All I had to do was realize the real way we met was dope as hell.

Okay, lots to catch you up on.

Where to start? Where to start? Uh…

Oh, fuck!

Ladies and gentlemen and teen goths of the mock jury, everybody makes mistakes.

We’ve all tried to take the easy way out.

[Jesse] Sometimes, that ends with you dumping shit and piss out of your tour bus and onto a bunch of tourists.

Other times, you neglect putting flea and tick medication on your cute mini supercomputer.

But we all deserve a second chance.

The space between right and wrong is this big.

And we’re all just ants marching toward truth and under the table and dreaming of a better future every day.

Uh, Your Honor, this is highly sus.

The words of these slugs are just too moving.

I find the Dave Matthews Band not mock guilty.

[all cheer and applaud]

[harmonica riff playing]

Oh, Pupa, we’re sorry we let you get fleas.

[both scream]

Oh, crap. We still gotta reverse this.

[grunting]

[Korvo grunting]

Smash his head so he never tries to escape again!

Wait a hotdog summer!

Maybe there’s another solution.

Can I pitch something?

I’m intrigued, but just so you know, I can’t buy in the room.

I have an idea for a romantasy meets sci-fi book series.

It follows an alien and a druid who are blasted into space and land on a planet where love has been outlawed.

Mixing genres in book form instead of torturing it out of you?

I have, like, 10 sequels all mapped out.

I can pump out new books once or twice a year.

What if you don’t have any talent?

That’s never stopped anyone from becoming a famous author.

And there’s the last of your flea meds, Pupes.

JOC, you’re next.

Come get your pupa juice.

Actually, we’ve been talking.

We like being pupa-shaped.

For realsies?

Yeah.

We feel happier, healthier, less oppressed by humanshaped life.

We want to stay this way.

I don’t know. You need somewhere to live and someone to look after you.

I know just the guy.

What do you two want?

ExCommander Zarck, we know you traveled around and never found your purpose, but we thought of something that could help.

[♪ triumphant music playing]

Oh! Oh, this is my dream come true!

A house of pupas!

Oh! Spin it off!

[♪ bright piano music playing]

♪ Pupa House, Pupa House ♪

♪ It’s a house full of pupas ♪

♪ Houseful of pupas, houseful of pupas ♪

♪ The Pupa House ♪

[Terry]

House of Pupas! [laughs]

[typewriter clacking]

Just wanted to drop off a little Cham of the Mile.

Mwah. Hope the book’s going well.

Especially since you’re the only one in the family making us any money now.

Oh, don’t worry. It very much is.

[narrating] Chapter 705.

Captain Felch could feel his juices rising, forced to share a cold log with his hot enemy.

Ugh, I can’t believe that I, one of the best fighter pilots in the galaxy, have crashed on this asteroid with you, a druid.

At least take off that helmet and let me see your face, which I’m sure is butt ugly.

Oh, wow. You’re kind of a dime piece.

[creature growls] [both gasp] What the hell was that?

I don’t know.

But despite our mutual hatred of each other, I can’t help but want to suck face.

[both moaning]

Ew. Are those things jerking off?

That’s part of the deal.

Works for me.

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

* * *

Solar Opposites – S06E08 – The Last Flight of Ariana 1 | Transcript

The Wall people go through hell and high water to get to the shrink ray.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

♪♪

[Cherie] Wallstronauts, as we stand on the edge of this perilous journey, I struggled with the right words to inspire you, but then I remembered Gene Hackman’s speech from Crimson Tide, which I had to watch with my shitty exboyfriend who got rejected from the Navy because of his lazy elbow and addiction to huffing PortaPotty cleaner.

We constitute the first and last line of defense against Yumyulack.

I expect and demand you do your very best, and if you can’t, that strange sensation you’ll be feeling is my boot in your tiny ass.

Go, Bama!

[all] Roll Tide.

Zero Wallians died to bring us this info.

Now we believe Yumyulack will be gone all day tomorrow at Panera University.

He’s helping them develop a new caffeinated lemonade that will only put you in a coma.

Listen up, this Golden Girls watch is our countdown clock.

When Bea Arthur’s sexyass leg hits 0800, we launch no matter what.

[all] Yeah!

Tomorrow we get big, but tonight we celebrate the end of the little era.

Hit it, DJ Marshmello.

[♪ upbeat house music playing]

Is that really Marshmello?

Nah, it’s just a dude with a Lucky Charms stuck to his head, but his beats hit, right?

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[♪ rock music playing]

Smells good. What ya grilling?

Salmon planks.

Since when do we have salmon?

Since a crow dropped a piece of sushi in the sandbox.

Eat up.

Mm, yum.

[sniffs] Ugh.

[Nova] Are we rushing this launch?

There’s so much we don’t know.

That sneaky little alien shitbag said he was setting booby traps for us.

Please, see that spilled cherry Fun Dip?

It’s actually grapeflavored rat poison.

He’s not gonna get us with that.

Yeah, but the bedroom is messier than ever.

Who knows what he hid out there?

It’s a mess because Jesse and Yumyulack are doing “No Laundry November” to raise money for dual penis disorder.

Sounds rough, but not as rough as diving into a dangerous trapladen room.

We don’t have a choice.

Our launch window’s tighter than a Hollister romper.

We have to launch tomorrow.

[crew laughing]

[Nova] Look at them.

They could all die out there.

I pray to Jesse thatHey, they’ll make it.

If you wanna have faith, have it in me.

Ringo, you get some of that yard salmon?

No, not for me. I filled up on cricket.

Plus, I need to study my maps again.

It has to be perfect tomorrow.

Will you two Anxious Anitas relax?

Everything’s gonna be fine.

Nothing can stop us now.

[cawing]

[crew vomiting, moaning]

[Cherie] Oh, God. What the hell?

It stinks like a Doberman’s asshole.

Wallstronaut, what is happening?

Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to feed us salmon that was dropped on the ground by a dirty old crow?

[farting] [Cherie] Oh!

Okay, yeah, I guess it sounds gross when you say it like that.

[crew vomiting]

Oh, my God, we poisoned the whole crew.

Did anyone not eat the salmon?

Not me but, hey, these guys are tough.

Maybe they’ll bounce back.

[man screams] I just blew out my asshole.

It’s on the ground.

[crew moans, vomits] Oh, I slipped and fell on my own asshole!

We are launching this ship today.

With what crew?

‘Cause ours is brownblasting into Monopoly thimbles.

Us! We’re the leaders of the Wall.

It should have been us the whole time, and now fate and salmonella have brought us to this moment.

It’s too dangerous. You can’t risk it.

Think about Pezlie.

She won’t be safe until we’re fucking big.

Guys, we can do this.

We still have our pilot.

Come to think of it, The Duke, why were you the only one who didn’t eat the sushi?

What are you saying, The Montez?

You think I sabotaged the mission?

How fucking dare you?

I’ve given my life to the Wall.

You’ve taken a lot as well.

So have you taken a lot also!

Hey, hey, hey, that is really bad grammar, and now is not the time.

Look, Cherie’s right. It’s up to us, but we are not a whole crew.

That’s why the BTeam’s been training with the ATeam all along.

The BTeam? Those weirdo fuckups are ticking time bombs.

Uh, they’re right over there.

Hey.

Yeah, I know.

It’s not a reveal for me.

I’ve been staring at them this whole time.

Fuck you!

Who the hell is on the BTeam?

[Cherie] Nomi, the Wall’s foremost expert in Yumyulack.

I know all there is to know about that big blue cum stain.

Plus, I built the ship’s computer out of spare parts and an LED screen from a Horizon: Zero Cavities electric toothbrush.

But she seems normal.

Guys, check out my new Yumyulack tattoo.

His eyes are my titties.

Watch, I can make it look like he’s reading.

Woo, look at that.

[Cherie] Next is our navigator Chip Ozmonski.

People call me Oz, and all of y’all know I should have been on the Ateam ’cause I’m about to fuck this mission in its Ahole.

Oz, relax. Getting too emotional could trigger mission psychosis, like Michael Biehn in The Abyss.

That shit ain’t happening to the Wizard of Oz.

If anything, this bitch right here is gonna get it.

[Cherie] And this is Walter, the muscle.

He’s constantly shaving his head, and he never talks.

He writes everything on a notepad like that kid in Little Miss Sunshine.

Alright, crappy loser understudies, saddle up.

It’s time to save the people of the Wall.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[all] Seventeen…

16, 15…

Mama.

[all] …14, 13, 12, 11, 10…

Wait, I forgot something.

What the fuck? There’s no time.

Never mind, I found it.

[all] Seven…

Oh, that’s mature, asshole.

[all] …six…

[all] …five, four, three, two, one!

[Cherie] Go, go, go!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Are we sure the spark plug will shatter the glass?

We’re about to find out.

[♪ dramatic music continues]

[glass shatters]

[Wallians cheer]

It’s working.

Course set for ninertwoniner.

This is awesome. I feel great.

No mission psychosis for this bad motherfucker.

You hear me, Walter?

[Walter snores] Looks like we’re headed straight for the TV stand.

Shrink Ray dead ahead.

Oh, my God, at this rate, we could be big in an hour.

That’s like just like two episodes of Sex Lives of College Girls.

[loud thud] Ah! What was that?

Might have been an air pocket.

Do bedrooms have that?

I’m getting some drag on the left wing.

Anyone got a visual?

Maybe it was Yumyulack’s fan.

No, no way. He doesn’t like to share the breeze with Jesse.

It’s usually stationary.

Well, today it’s fucking oscillating.

[fan buzzing]

Get us out of its path.

I’m trying!

Maybe the pupa can help us.

He’s too busy with some sort of important sci-fi business.

[female VR AI] Oh, hey there, sailor.

Looks like you and your burly cousins all got stuck in that dishwasher.

[wood cracks] We’re losing a wing.

I can maybe use the current to get us to Jesse’s bed.

I’m aiming for the minion pillow.

Which minion is it?

I don’t know, Kevin?

That doesn’t look like Kevin.

Which one says banana?

They all say banana!

Crash positions!

[crew screaming]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[gasps] Onion volcano!

[crew groans]

Looks like Kevin saved our ass.

It was Bob.

Both wings are fucked, but everything else seems intact except it’s wet for some reason.

Yeah, shit, that was me.

Sorry, dudes, I blasted a bunch of piss when we crashed.

This is more than just one man’s urine.

Something’s off.

Crap. Remember that big box that blocked the Wall?

We thought Yumyulack finally pulled the trigger on that Hoda Kotb body pillow, but we were wrong.

I think Jesse got a new mattress.

I feel like I’m becoming the “points out the front window and yells” guy, but what the hell is that?

We’re on a fucking water bed!

The crash must have triggered a wave towards the headboard!

Everyone strap in now!

Deploy the wheels!

[gears clicking]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

What the fuck are you doing?

You’re heading right for it!

You’re going to kill us!

Goddammit, man, you gotta trust me.

No, I don’t!

Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!

I got mission psychosis.

I know I said I wouldn’t get it, but deep down, I knew I would.

[cries] Shut up!

Who said that? I think I’m going blind from the mission psychosis thing I mentioned.

Calm down. You are freaking out!

Fuck your mother!

We’re all gonna die right here on this

[Walter grunts]

[crew screaming]

[Pupa grunting] [karate chops through VR helmet] [crew screaming] [alarm beeping] Woo! Ha, ha! Looks like we’re not dead.

Oh, what happened?

I was trying to have some mission psychosis.

Oh, wow, Yumyulack’s JNCO jeans.

Can’t believe these are back in style.

Just another reason to hurry up and get big again, before we miss the fad.

[crew gasps] Oh, my God, Sir Yumyulack’s phone is still in the pocket.

Did you just call him “Sir”?

Forget it, kid.

That thing’s huge compared to us.

We can’t even press the buttons.

Guys, it’s a Motorola Razr RiseUp, preloaded with motivational ringtones.

So what?

So this model has a mini SD card, which could be full of Yumyulack data.

No way. It’s way too dangerous out there.

Nomi, come back!

Shit, Oz, get out there and help her.

Why me? I might be concussed.

What’s three plus one, 75?

See, I’m all fucked up.

Shut up, you pussy, and go!

Whatever, man.

Hurry, we’re too exposed here.

Holy Jesse, Mother of Bows…

What are you doing?

This water is from Jesse’s holy mattress.

This mission is already so fucked up, we don’t have time to be baptizing ourselves in dirty bed water.

[pulsing] Oh, my God, what now?

[Ringo] Get back in here!

[Montez] Nomi!

Let’s go, dude.

Come on ! Go, go, go, go, dude, let’s go!

What the hell is that?

[Nova] It’s the Roomba!

[crew screams]

Release the dirty countermeasures.

[Roomba whirring] [explosion booms]

[tires squeal]

We should be in the clear.

[Walter pants, shudders]

[mumbling]

Yeah, I’m gonna die a hero like my underpants Ben Stiller.

What the fuck? You can talk, man.

[screams]

I am 300 years young!

I will live forever in Middle Dawn!

He’s got real mission psychosis.

You see, Oz, this is what it looks like.

Hey, mine was real, too.

It’s a spectrum, like sexuality.

[Walter panting] Grab him!

[Walter yelling]

I’m swimming in the fudge.

[Walter yells]

[organs splatter] [crew screams] Floor it, Ringo!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Roomba rumbling]

[Nova] Yum’s bed frame is lower.

The Roomba can’t follow us under here.

[crew cheers]

[Oz] Damn, dude, Walter got killed by a Roomba, just like the graffiti on that highway underpass said would happen.

Everyone, just breathe. We’re safe.

Because of you, Ringo.

Yeah, I hate to say this, but great job getting us under the bed.

Wait a hot gal autumn, are we about to become besties?

Shut up. No.

[Nomi] Oh, my God, this is unbelievable.

Pictures, videos, text, the notes app, all of Yumyulack’s life right here.

Can we use it to call for help?

No, it’s all data.

Then I don’t give a shit.

Uh, I do.

Oh, my God!

Lyrics to a song he wrote called Mound Town, sung to the tune of Funky Town.

We can finally answer the question, “Can Yumyulack do parody?”

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

What is that? Shine the light up there.

[♪ mysterious music playing]

Mountains of Penthouse magazines.

Ooh, what years we talking?

They featured a lot of shaved schnizz from ’98 to ’04.

Yeah, that checks out.

Yumyulack prefers a clean runway.

[thud] [crew yells] Hiya! [yelling] We gotta get outta here.

Go for the thigh gap.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[crew screams]

[♪ dramatic music continues]

[all panting, gasping]

Well, this thing is donezo.

Thank you for your service.

It’s time to rest now, my sweet, sweet girl.

♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen ♪

♪ And down the mountainside ♪

♪ The summer’s gone ♪

Oh, Jesus Christ, we were only in that thing for, like, 10 minutes.

And it only takes an instant to fall in love, you callous dick bag.

[Cherie] Guys, stop, look.

We’re closer than ever to the Shrink Ray.

Everyone, grab ropes and the hooks for climbing.

We’ll have to go on foot.

I’m bringing the mini SD card.

Hell no, it’ll slow us down.

I know, but look.

[Yumyulack laughs]

La la la la la la la!

You call that tickling.

I don’t tip unless you make me throw up.

He paid to be tickled.

That laugh’s gonna haunt me.

It’s like if Todd Phillips’ Joker got a vuvuzela shoved up his ass.

Guys, if this got out, Yumyulack would die of embarrassment.

Social currency is everything to him now.

When we get big, he’ll die in jail.

Let’s focus on that.

You know what? No!

I’ve kept my mouth shut long enough!

This fucking plan sucks my one nut.

Lost the other one shooting a Cameo on a Razor scooter.

Who would pay for a Cameo from you?

You couldn’t even get real mission psychosis.

I can too.

Blah, blah, I’m having it right now.

Oz, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Nomi, I’d love to hit that sometime.

Now, I’m taking my rope and going back to the Wall.

[electricity crackles] [Oz screams] What the fuck is happening?

He’s actually finally having mission psychosis.

No, he’s being electrocuted.

Oh, my God, I was actually gonna let him and his one ball in my pants.

Jesus Christ, nobody move.

We’re standing on Cavity Sam from the board game Operation.

Damn, the ankle bone connected to the knee bone.

Yumyulack must have plugged it into an outlet to give it extra juice.

We’re standing on a minefield that the whole family can enjoy.

[Cherie sighs]

Oz was right. Two people have died.

I don’t know, maybe we should give up.

Sometimes you gotta know when to hold ’em, and sometimes you gotta know when to go back to the alien terrarium.

That’s not how the song goes.

What song?

I think we need to cut our losses, go back, and regroup.

No way. We have to finish this mission, for the Wall.

I don’t give a fuck about the people of the Wall.

[crew gasps] [Cherie] The truth is, I only care about Pezlie getting big and having a normal life.

Everyone else can get fucked.

But you’re supposed to care what happens to us.

Well, I don’t.

Then you are a fucking fraud, Queen Cherie!

I’m the fraud? You were out here bathing yourself in Jesse’s bed water, still wearing scraps of your stupid Bowinian robes.

So? It’s my religion!

Oh, bullshit!

The only reason you came on this mission is so that you can get big and meet Jesse.

How did you think it was gonna go?

You guys would just become best friends.

Not right away.

Maybe we meet for boba first and bond over our love of British romcoms.

She keeps you trapped in a Wall.

Who wouldn’t wanna be friends with her?

She’s a god.

She’s not a god!

She’s just a weird alien who smells like detergent and has cyberbullied a half dozen Kpop stars into early retirement!

[both scream]

Hey, you guys wanna stop fighting so we can do this already.

Just follow our path.

How did you guys figure out how to safely get across?

It was all Montez.

When I was a kid, I’d hide in the closet when my parents were fighting and play Operation over and over again.

Cavity Sam was basically the only positive role model I’ve ever had.

Yeah. Pretty cool, right?

Sorry, I know you said leave the SD card behind, but I just couldn’t.

It’s too valuable.

You guys start climbing.

I’m gonna talk to Nomi for a sec.

As long as you aren’t talking about whether or not you can touch my dick ’cause that’s a hard pass.

For the millionth time, I know!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[all grunting]

[screams]

I got you.

No one’s going splat today, my friend.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Hey, I’m sorry for being such an asshole today.

If this is one of those trick apologies, I’m not falling for it, bitch.

No, it’s real.

This is gonna sound weird, but I’m actually jealous of you.

Come on. What are you talking about?

We both ran the Wall through fear and that shit can eat you up, but you came out of it a better person and now you’re running the place and people love you.

You’ll probably get another sick-ass mural.

The mural is pretty sick.

Nobody remembers I even exist.

I’ll never get a chance to really prove I’m a good guy.

Monty, after what you’ve done today, everyone in the Wall will know that you are a great guy, and I promise, you’ll get the sickest mural of all.

If you two are done sucking each other’s emotional dicks, can we get back to climbing?

[crew grunts]

We did it!

I’ve never seen the Wall from this side.

It almost looks peaceful.

Fuck this. Let’s get big.

Grab those ropes, people!

[Pupa] [grunting]

Ah! Sharks!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Ready?

Do it.

Make me big again!

Pull!

[crew grunting] [rope creaking] This is easy.

Wait, what’s happening?

It’s not pulling the trigger, it’s cutting into it!

What the hell?

What’s it made out of?

[gasps] Chocolate fondant.

Oh, my God!

[Nova] This isn’t the real Shrink Ray.

This is cake!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

No, no, no, no. This can’t be.

[footsteps thudding]

[clapping]

Well, well, well. You little bitches made it way farther than I thought you would.

I knew how bad you wanted the Shrink Ray, so I swapped it out with the cake version while you were sleeping.

You got played.

Oh, my God!

The fan, the Roomba, the board game.

We’ve been dancing to his tune the whole time.

What? I didn’t do any of that stuff.

The cake was the only thing I did.

But you said there’d be booby traps.

I don’t remember that.

I barely think about you.

I’m super popular at school now, and I’ve got my own Substack where I discuss men’s fashion trends.

Fuck you!

[smacks] Ha, I don’t fist fight people the size of Tic Tacs.

There isn’t gonna be a fight because you’re going to do whatever I tell you to do.

[laughs] That shit’s funny.

Why would I ever listen to you?

Because I have the mini SD card from your phone with all the stupid selfies and

Oh!

Those tickling videos.

What tickling videos?

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Those are private between me and my associates.

Dammit! Give me that card back.

[Cherie] If those videos got out, they’d ruin everything you built this year, motherfucker.

What would happen to your precious Substack?

Nothing, because I’ll just smush you.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, I hid it with a member of my team.

So if we die, they release all of it.

You’re bluffing.

If you could get on the internet, you’d already have called for help.

We built a whole world in the Wall.

We even spread to the backyard.

Everyone will make it their life mission to get those embarrassing videos out to the world.

You wanna gamble that they can’t?

Shit, shit, shit!

Okay, what do you want?

Make us big again, and we’ll walk away forever and I promise, you’ll get your card back.

Fineuhh! You guys are such dicks.

I just need to do a quick scan of the Wall first.

That was–

Oh, my fucking God.

Exactly.

That’s why you sent Nomi off.

Just like with the B-Team.

Always have a backup plan.

But is any of the stuff you said to him true?

Who cares? As long as that shithead thinks we’re gonna blow up his spot, we own his ass.

Alright, scanned, you’re all good.

I can make everyone big except one person.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That’s not the deal.

We all have to be big.

Why is there someone who can’t be returned to their normal size?

I can reverse the shrinking, but it looks like there’s someone who was born small in the Wall.

[gasps] Pezlie!

If they’ve never been big, using the Ray on them would make their cells explode.

Everyone else should be fine though.

Who wants to go first?

Oh, no. Cherie.

All I ever wanted was to see my daughter big and have a chance at a real life.

And now that’s impossible.

We’ll all be big, and she’ll be a freak.

[Cherie sobbing] There has to be some way.

You guys do it.

I want you to get big. You deserve that.

But if Pezlie’s staying small, then I am, too.

I can’t let her live out her life on her own.

Just promise you’ll take care of us.

We can live in an Amazon box or an old Croc.

Those are comfortable.

And after I die, just watch over my girl.

She’ll be all alone.

[cries]

We doing this shit or what?

I got a 6:30 resy at the Cheesecake Factory.

No.

No!

If Cherie and Pezlie aren’t getting big, then neither are we.

Nova.

That girl deserves to live in a community of people who are the same relative size as her.

I can’t let you do that for me.

But you can’t stop us.

We are in this together no matter what happens.

We have mutually decided to stay small.

You know what? I’m not invested in you guys, but that’s dumb.

[Nova] Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going, fart face?

We’re not done with you yet.

Oh, come on.

If you don’t want those videos getting out, you’re gonna do exactly what we want.

From now on, we own your ass.

But that’s blackmail.

I don’t know if it’s racist to call it that now, but that’s what it is.

[Cherie] It’s racist when you say it.

Moving forward, you’re going to get us real food, real medicine, clean water, and whatever supplies we want, including stuff for our lady parts.

We might be small, but if you don’t wanna become a meme, you better make sure living in the Wall isn’t a prison sentence anymore.

Then what is it?

You’re going to make it a fucking paradise and keep your mouth shut.

Now take your alien bitch ass outta here and get us some fucking vegetables.

We’re talking leafy greens.

I haven’t had a real shit in years.

I’m gonna find that SD card and then blowtorch the whole Wall!

[Pupa grunting] Goddammit, Pupa, stop playing with my Hulu-Gabulu headset.

You’re getting it all slimy. Ah!

[door closes]

This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

No one can ever know about this.

The people of the Wall, they wouldn’t understand.

[Nova] So we tell them about the cake and just pretend that Yumyulack won.

And when the good stuff starts to come in, we’ll say he’s just fucking with us.

You think they’ll buy it?

They will because we say it’s true.

We make the rules now.

After all this time, all the battles, all the candy-based deaths, we will make the Wall into heaven on earth.

You think the replicants are gods?

Well, now we own a god.

Pezlie will be happy, and so will everyone else.

It all changes moving forward.

I know in my heart that this is going to work out.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[beeping]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

This is our last roach.

We can’t stay in the skull.

We have to move, no matter how dangerous the roads are.

[coughs]

Papa, how did the world get like this?

It all started because a good woman thought she could control an alien child.

[gasps] Great Grandma Pezlie.

Let me tell you the story of how my mother tried to give me a good life and how she accidentally caused the destruction of worlds, both big and small.

It started on a Tuesday.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

[mimicking laser fire]

* * *

Solar Opposites – S06E09 – The Goocleus and the Protoshlorpian | Transcript

Terry’s new author job faces competition from another romantic-fantasy novelist. The replicants attempt to get their names in the school parking lot. Korvo sees an inally get the pupa to terraform.

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[spacecraft whooshes]

[♪ soft, mysterious music playing]

[roars]

[spacecraft crashes]

[shouting in gibberish] [lasers firing]

[dinosaur growls]

[alien screams]

[woman] Love your ancient alien necklace.

Is that from Rural Outfitters?

As if, you barn wench.

This is an ancient Protoshlorpian, and it was a gift from my virile hunk of a husband, the author everyone’s here to see.

[gasps] You’re married to T.S. Opposites?

Of Lace and Fear changed my life.

I came out as druidsexual because of book two, chapter three.

That’s chapter four, you fake fan.

[lights clang] [woman gasps] Who’s ready to preorder the third book in my trilogy…

Of Lust and Chamomile?

[audience cheering] [corks pop] [squeals] I love you, T.S. Opposites!

You see that, idiots?

That’s my man up there!

Oh, yeah! Die jealous, you little bitches!

My husband’s the best romantasy author.

All the others suck!

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia, until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa, and escaped into space, searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.

I’m the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It’s a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

What is with doing laundry?

On Shlorp, we never cleaned clothes.

We smelled like grease, and everyone hated it, but, well, I-I’m not sure where I was going with this.

I guess I’ve answered my own question.

[♪ dramatic music swells]

[people cheering]

[Korvo and Terry kissing, moaning]

You crushed it, king.

Hey, it’s all for you, the reps, and the big JC.

Yes, NSYNC’s JC Chasez remains our greatest inspiration.

Will you be home for dinner tonight?

T.S., how’s 7:00 p.m. tomorrow for the Oprah sit-down?

Do you want the salmon or the charred eel for your flight to Booking Man next week?

W-when will we get to see the manuscript?

[kiss smacks] I’ll call you later, babe.

Love you. Don’t work too hard.

Yes to Oprah, but make sure Gayle doesn’t third wheel us again.

Charred eel on chard, and you’ll get the manuscript when I’m happy with it, but trust me, it’s gonna blow ya minds!

[all cheer] Yes! Still got it!

Good!

Hello, T.S. Nopeosites.

I heard the crowd for your announcement was moderate.

Tobin Pierce.

Heard your crowd didn’t exist, because the only romantasy anyone wants to read is mine.

Bet you’re regretting releasing your next book the same day as me.

Well, I guess I would be, if I hadn’t just landed Robbio von Cleet as my cover model.

[all gasp] Robbio is the hottest cover boy in the biz.

His shirtless pics on a book guarantee a bestseller.

He’s not that hot!

Robbio is all mine.

He’s going to make The Nightingale, The Wick, and the Iron Trellis a big fat hit.

Is that your book title, or what you call the last three hairs on your sack?

That’s three more hairs than you’ve ever had, you slut.

Have fun being a Kindle single, if you’re lucky.

When I’m done with you, they won’t even carry your trash at Hudson Books.

[all gasp] [Tobin laughing] Don’t worry, T.

Only people with books that suck need Robbio von Cleet.

Shut your skinny Ozempic face, Paula!

Robbio’s hotter than a big hot hottie.

I cannot let him bounce book three from the top spot!

Put feelers out to Robbio’s people and Google, “Does Rogaine work on aliens” right fucking now!

[school bell ringing]

Keep up, staff.

We’re doing a Sorkinstyle walk and talk.

If we come up with any quips or policy, write it down.

Us being the best students in school has to be the biggest rebranding since John Krasinski went from pudgy Jim Halpert to jacked Jack Ryan.

And now that we’re coclass presidents, we coown this shit!

I’m so high off our power, I haven’t had to do my breathing exercises in weeks!

Four more years! Four more years!

You got it, dumb jock!

Yeah! Could life get any better?

Once we raise the money to replace the crappy metal bleachers with fancy concrete, our names will be forever immortalized on a plaque!

Ohhoho! Nothing beats seeing your name in brass!

Ooh, boy! It gets me hot.

Ahoy, my star students.

How goes the fundraiser?

Need me to do some light fraud?

No, thank you.

We’ll dupe people out of their money with the classic power of charisma.

Let me lay it out for ya.

Get those cement bleachers, I’ll assign you the ultra-exclusive student parking spot right in front of the school!

[all gasp] Wait, I have a car!

We gotta make this happen!

Our walking days could be over!

Our step counts are gonna be under 5,000.

Mr. and Mrs. Co-Presidents?

Uh, we have a problem.

Is it Cuba?

Worse.

I hired a consulting firm to analyze student Snapchat trends re: the bleachers.

The school bullies are gonna disrupt the fundraiser!

What?

Why do they wanna screw us like this?

The bullies use the space under the bleachers to do their bully stuff.

Smoking, littering, bending people’s arms back.

There’s no space under concrete to be delinquent.

If those muscle maniacs think we give a toot about their bully bullshit, they got another thing coming!

There’s no way we’re letting that fundraiser fail!

Assemble the council.

We’re dealing with this headon!

[typewriter keys clacking]

“The druid let the alien lick his long, pointy ear.”

No. No, no, no. “Lick his floppy dork!”

Yes! Yes!

Knock, knock.

Arnold Palmers and crustless BLTs for the hardest-working writer in the biz.

Babe! Careful with my manuscript!

Only one copy since I famously use a typewriter because I like how it messes up all the time.

[knocking on door] Hello, my favorite writer.

I’ve got the best news.

Robbio hasn’t officially signed with Tobin.

We can still get him for your cover!

Yes! Time for T.S. to squirm his way in!

Robbio’s from Quincy, Massachusetts, and like everyone there, he loves cussing.

Not normal swears like you’d find on a Metro Boomin album.

Next level shit.

So what are we talking?

Stuff like “clunty dumbbutt”?

Stop, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Clunty dumbbutt’s nothing compared to how Robbio talks.

Last year on The View, he called Joy Behar a [bleep] and a [bleep].

Okay, that’s crazy!

We’ve never had to use bleeps before!

He’ll do our cover if we show him that you can swear as dirty as he can.

I could do that! One time, I got kicked out of a Color Me Mine for calling a little girl a [bleep] whore!

Robbio’s releasing three new never-before-heard curse words at a gala tomorrow.

You gotta make your move there.

Tomorrow? That’s so soon.

But I’ll [bleep] try.

What are you, Canadian?

Better juice up that profanity.

You’ve got only 24 hours to get explicit.

Don’t mind me, just some homemade acai bowls with CheezIts crumbles.

Thanks, K. Can you give us the room?

We have a lot to get through and not a lot of time to do it.

Oh, so proud of you two.

Pupes and I will let you work.

Here’s the plan.

There’s a crucial vote coming up at the gathering of the school bullies.

They’re calling it the Wooly Bully.

The bullies have to vote on whether or not to disrupt our fundraiser for the cement bleachers.

Those dickbags might hand out swirlies and wedgies, but they operate by a strict moral code.

If it isn’t a unanimous yes, they can’t act.

One of us has to go undercover as a bully and spoil the vote.

Jesse has the more bully-shaped head, so I think she could blend in a little better.

Can’t argue with that.

My head’s just shaped like a dolphin’s dick.

This is a highly volatile and dangerous situation.

As my copresident, I’m gonna need you in the surveillance van talking me through it.

I got you, girl! Van life rules!

I’m coall over that shit!

And then I said if Kevin’s wife thinks I stole her manicurist, she can bloody well talk to me about it.

[AISHA] Honey, I’m sorry, but have you seen her nails?

Debbie’s a manicurist, not God.

[both laughing]

[AISHA] Oh, Pupa’s purring.

[purring] I think it’s ’cause of all the extra time you’ve spent taking care of him.

Terry’s a world-famous novelist, the replicants are dominating at school, and I’m the ultimate alien tradwife.

[AISHA] And the ship’s never looked better.

The Fusion Core is so shiny.

The Goocleus hasn’t been this clean since we first landed.

And also, did you wax the Pretendo Deck?

Oh, yeah.

And that’s not the only thing I waxed.

Talkin’ about my mound!

[both laugh] [AISHA] You nasty, Korvo.

You know you nasty.

[Terry] Attention, old people!

I know retirement homes are where the nastiest, gnarliest, often racially loaded curse words get tossed around.

I’m beefing up my lexicon, so what have you got?

I already know butt, dingle, and nard farker.

Why don’t you shove your drippy [bleep] in my [bleep] stained [bleep]?

Ugh, that was disgusting.

Keep going!

Shower me in your filth, you olds!

[punches thudding] Darn! Dang!

Come on, kid! I want you [bleep] lightning and [bleep] thunder.

Oh, wow. Oh, my stars.

This mother [bleep] with his [bleep] egg salad facing [bleep] with [bleep] that [bleep] [bleep] my [bleep] hole.

Bitch! [panting] Asshole! [bleep] Sticky little [bleep] in my [bleep] socket!

That’s it, kid! You’re [bleep] doing it!

[Terry panting]

Robbio von Cleet, I’m coming for your [bleep] [bleep] ass [bleep] bitch [bleep] you [bleep] legged [bleep]!

[♪ tense music playing]

[bullies chattering]

The eagle has landed.

I’m the eagle, in case that wasn’t clear before.

[bully leader] Everyone shut up or I’ll piss on your lunch!

Us bullies have been pushed out of public spaces for years.

No one carries cash anymore, and the fatties are intermittent fasting.

Our last refuge is under the bleachers.

If they go concrete, we’re fucked!

Oh, geez, these bullies mean business!

I urge you to vote yes on measure F, as in Fugly Mom, which I heard your mom is.

[bullies cheering]

[clears throat] Uh, I’ve been bullying in, um, Spain as an exchange bully.

Can I ask a question?

Spit it out, noob!

Hey! She ain’t the only new bully in town.

[Jesse gasps]

What are you doing here?

This is too important to rely on one vote!

I’m your bully backup!

Then who’s in the van?

Don’t worry.

I have it covered.

[JK Sevens beeping]

[crashing]

[flames whooshing]

[beeping] Uh-oh.

[♪ classical music playing]

[people chattering]

[fan whirring]

Remember your training.

[bleep]

How dare you show your face here?

Robbio’s concave abs are committed to me.

It ain’t over till those pecs hit the printer, bitch!

Don’t you mean [bleep] pecs at the [bleep]?

[Terry yelps] Oh, did I shock you?

You did! Oh, wow, Robbio!

You’re even more cover modelly in person than I expected!

Look at that clavicle.

You ready to whore [bleep] this cover shoot?

[bleep] yes, please.

Damn! You sound like my [bleep] aunt back in Quincy.

T.S. Opposites, right?

Excited to see what your third book is, [bleep] wad.

I’ll bet your dead dad has a big old juicy [bleep] squirting [bleep].

What did you say to me?

[♪ tense music playing]

Uh, [bleep] and that your dad’s body is [bleep].

That… was [bleep] amazing!

Ignore this guy, Robbio.

You’ve already got a cover.

I thought I did, but to choose, I think we need to have a good old-fashioned swear war!

[all cheering] Whoever can talk with the dirtier mouth will win my heart!

Wow, he didn’t curse.

[bleep]

Spoke too soon.

[Korvo humming]

[gasps] The Pupa terraformed his Pack ‘n Play!

Lookin’ good!

I am so proud of you!

Yay!

Who’s a little supercomputer?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are!

[AISHA] If the Pupa has started to terraform Earth, that means the mission is almost complete.

Do you think we can get him to terraform faster?

[AISHA]

Why? You don’t wanna rush him.

Hmm, you’re right.

I guess he’s just evolving faster because I’m such a good–

Ooh.

Why’s he staring at my necklace?

[AISHA] Damn, that Protoshlorpian is stuffed full of home world DNA.

No wonder the Pupa’s so hopped up.

It is?

[AISHA] Oh, yeah, we better keep it away from him or it could supercharge his–

Eat necklace!

[gulps]

He’ll be fine, right?

[AISHA] No!

That could overload his evolution!

Oh, please, last week he drank a Wing Stop coffee, and he survived that.

[Pupa grunting]

[Pupa roars]

[♪ tense music playing]

[AISHA] Oh, no!

[yelps] What the hell?

Pupa, stop that!

If our new bullies here wanna be voting members of the community, they’ll have to undergo initiation.

Hell yeah!

I bully anytime, even on weekends and holidays!

[board creaks]

[Kenny grunting]

Kenny Checkers?

We can’t bully him, he’s our friend!

We gotta!

This is why I needed you in the van!

Just gotta prove your bullyfides by twisting his nips till he gives you his Sephora loyalty card.

[Kenny whimpering] Or just cut his ear off.

Same diff.

[muffled gasping] Oh, no. No, no, no.

Just hold still, Kenny.

This is gonna hurt us more than it hurts you.

Except for the whole cleaving of your ear thing.

That is gonna sting.

[ground rumbling]

[Yumyulack gasps]

[all screaming]

[Pupa grunting]

[Pupa screams]

Your orange juice is [bleep], and it smells like [bleep] with [bleep] on it.

Mad Max Fury [bleep].

You gonna let him get away with that?

Try on some Shlorpian cussing!

[speaking Shlorpian] [bleep] [bleep]

[speaking Shlorpian] [bleep].

Swearing from beyond the stars?

Terry wins!

[all cheering]

[all screaming]

[ground rumbling]

Oh, hell! This can’t be good!

[all scream]

[horn honking]

[car crashes]

[♪ intense music playing]

[crystals crashing]

[JK Sevens beeping]

[flames whoosh]

[beeping] Uh-oh.

[elevator whooshes]

What in Shlorpian hell is happening out in these streets?

I was six seconds away from getting Robbio von Cleet to bear his breastesses on my cover!

And we were so close to saving our fundraiser so we could get a tight spot for Jesse’s car!

I don’t know. I’ve just been cleaning and taking care of the house.

Classic tradwife stuff.

[Jesse, Terry, and Yumyulack gasp] Uh, yeah, the Pupa does look a little zilla now.

[computer beeping] Holy rollin’ scrotum!

Those are the crystals that interrupted the Wooly Bully!

Crème brûlée, anyone?

The ramekins are edible!

Do not try to distract us with edible ramekins!

Give me that!

[all eating noisily] Why’s the Pupa’s Pack ‘n Play terraformed?

While you guys have been off being fabulous, I’ve been in my tradwife era, raising the Pupa.

That’s why he’s doing so great.

[Pupa grunts] [crystals crashing] [AISHA] I told your ass not to feed him that alien necklace! Didn’t I?

The alien necklace I gave you?

Or a new one that has nothing to do with me?

I didn’t feed it to him!

But I also didn’t rip it away when he got it.

[all screaming]

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

That’s why all these crystals are popping up everywhere?

[AISHA]

Duh! They’re geologic tenderizers.

When a Pupa’s gonna terraform, they soften the planetary crust to help with the process!

See? It has nothing to do with me.

[AISHA]

That’s not true, and you know it!

That necklace amped the Pupa up!

[yelps] Cut it out, Pupa!

[AISHA] He can’t!

With the supercharge of the ancient alien, the whole planet is gonna be fucked up in an hour!

No! We [bleep] love Earth!

We almost got our good parking spots!

We will not go quietly into the night!

This terraforming is happening because of my hard trad work.

Nobody ever complains about your academics, or your writing career.

Our careers don’t impale the neighbors!

I’m not letting you take this away from me!

Pupa, you keep terraforming!

[both grunt] I’m going in and getting that necklace!

[all grunting]

[liquid splashes]

No, fuck that!

Pupa, you’re coming with me.

[Korvo grunts]

[people screaming] Get back here, Korvo!

Give us the Pupa!

No! He’s just doing this for the mission!

Leave us alone!

[Korvo yelps]

[crystals crashing]

[explosion booms] [people screaming]

[all screaming]

[panting]

[gasps]

[crystals crashing]

[grunts, yelps]

[gasps] [liquid splashes] Oh, come on!

[Pupa yelps]

This [bleep] [bleep] cake thinks he can outrun me?

Your new cussing is offending and impressing me!

Thanks, queen!

[Yumyulack grunting] I’ll get it, you stupid…

[Yumyulack screams]

[Korvo grunts]

Ha, ha! I’m king of the crystals! Suck it!

[grunting]

Oh, shit, I’m swinging here!

[grunts]

[Korvo] [panting] No!

You shall not pass, bitch!

[Korvo laughing] [Jesse grunting]

[all yelp]

[Terry gasps] Pupa, don’t move!

That’s the only copy of my manuscript!

[Pupa roaring]

[Yumyulack straining]

[Pupa screams]

[papers rustling] No, no! I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

No!

It’s ruined!

It’s okay, we’ll fix this!

We can put this part together with this one and-and then maybe–

All that work, gone! For what?

Terry, my love, I’m sorry.

I know how hard you worked, and the whole world was so ready to consume it, and I’ve ruined it.

I’m a bad husband.

I was trying to be as busy and important as you.

Everyone in this family has so much, and I’ve got nothing.

[Pupa belches]

[Yumyulack yelps] Did Korvo already apologize and beg for forgiveness?

Nope, he’s doing it now.

I used to have Main Character Energy, and now I’m nonunion extra at best.

When I saw the opportunity to get the Pupa to terraform more quickly, I thought it was a chance for me to flourish just like you. [yelps] Oh, I’m so sorry for screwing over your successful lives.

Oh, babe.

The only reason we’re successful is because of you.

Really?

You think Yum and I would have the confidence to be badass class presidents without your support?

I didn’t realize you needed me.

You’re our leader, Korvo.

You always will be.

Oh, it feels good to hear that.

Wish we had talked about this before you destroyed the planet, huh, big guy?

[Jesse] Earth was great while it lasted.

[Yumyulack] It’s the only planet with deep dish pizza.

[Terry] Earth has Sarahs, Jessicas, Parkers, and one mythical lady who’s a combo of all three.

I’ll never forget skorts.

All of our advanced technology, but they got us with that one.

Where are you going?

To stop this terraforming once and for all!

But it’s your purpose in life!

Well, then fuck me, because my family loves Earth, and I love my family!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[AISHA] It’s happening!

Earth is about to terraform, and it’s all because of your hard trad work!

Not today, AISHA!

[AISHA] Yes, today!

I just said it’s happenin’ now.

Whoa, whoa, what are you doing with that bigass stick?

I have to destroy the Goocleus!

[AISHA] But without it, the Pupa will never have the Goocleotides he needs to fully terraform!

I know, but that’s okay.

I have to give up a piece of myself so this family can flourish.

[AISHA] If you break that Goocleus, there’s no turning back!

The Pupa can never terraform, no matter how much he evolves.

But the Pupa would be okay, right?

It wouldn’t hurt the little guy?

[AISHA] He’ll be exactly the same.

He just can’t trigger final terraformation.

So the mission as we know it…

[AISHA] Would be over.

Suck it, mission!

I’m canceling the apocalypse!

[Korvo yells]

That was from Pacific Rim.

[AISHA] Still a lameass reference.

No, it was cool.

[loud rumbling]

[all gasp] [Pupa groans]

[crystals whooshing]

[♪ gentle music playing]

Korvo, the crystals are gone!

You did it!

This trad alien has saved the Earth, from a thing I technically caused.

But what are you gonna do without the mission?

Isn’t it kinda like your whole thing?

It just means my mission won’t be about destroying the planet, but living on it.

Free from my preordained path.

So we can just have fun!

Ah, I love that for us.

I’m excited to find my own Earth purpose, just like you guys.

That means you, too, Pupa.

You can choose any new purpose you want.

What’s it gonna be, Pupes?

F[bleep]bal!

Yeesh, okay. Yeah, that’s on me.

I’ll pull back on the swearing.

Mother[bleep]!

[Jacqueline] Cheers!

Bravo! The numbers are in.

Of Lust and Chamomile is your biggest seller yet.

Gotta say, the first version that got destroyed really sucked ass.

This new one was way better without all the Nosferatus I tried to wedge in before.

I guess we didn’t need Robbio on the cover after all.

Not with the redhot model we went with instead.

[♪ soft, sultry music playing]

Well, look who’s home early.

[Pupa snoring] Yeah, ’cause of our sick new parking spot!

It shaves a full five minutes off the commute.

So you defeated the bullies?

Compromised. We gave them a designated assault area.

[punches thudding] [bully grunting] Hey, nerd!

Get in here so I can steal your robots!

No, thanks, I’m good!

God, if I didn’t live my life by a strict moral bully code, I’d come out there and kick your ass!

[AISHA] After that terraforming fiasco, I need a massage.

Girl, you and me both.

AISHA, look! A Goocleus remnant!

I thought it was totally gone!

[AISHA] I guess not.

With some time, the Goocleus can probably self-repair, and maybe we can get back on track with the mission.

[Korvo grunts] [AISHA] Oh, damn, you really meant it.

That’s right.

No more terraforming mission.

From now on, the Solar Opposites do what they want!

[elevator whooshes]

[AISHA glitching]

[AISHA] [menacing voice]

Transmitting error code 8798915.

[normal voice] The fuck was that?

Probably just gas.

[♪ slow, tense music playing]

♪♪

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[machine beeping]

[AISHA] Transmitting error code 8798915.

Sir, looks like one of the Shlorpian teams in sector 5567 deactivated its Goocleus.

They can’t terraform anymore!

We can’t have Shlorpians just enjoying life without destroying the planet, or they could tell the other teams and ruin the whole thing!

So what do we do?

We just have to kill them.

[both laughing maniacally]

[grunting] Gold HQ?

This is Undercover Agent Charger.

We’ve got these silver bastards right where we want ’em.

[water splashes]

Also, I took a shit in their toilet and I’m not gonna flush it.

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪♪

[mimicking laser fire]

* * *

Solar Opposites – S06E10 – What is the Mission Anyway? | Transcript

The pupa begins turning into dangerous creatures. The Silvercops track the Solar Opposites down to arrest them from abandoning their mission, but there’s a mole amongst them.

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[♪ soft music playing]

The movie poster’s testing through the roof.

The Dragon Age fandom’s shifting their hyperfixation from the Tevinter mages to your characters.

This is huge!

Ooh, yay!

I hope their microtransaction horse diaper sales are plummeting.

Thanks for getting us the new pages.

We’ll circle back after we get notes from the algorithm.

We negotiated a guaranteed three-month run on IMAX.

Tom Cruise is pissed.

He did that big openmouthed laugh, but this time, blood poured out.

My man TC is an American hero, but he can still suck it.

Damn, Terry, sounds like you’re killing the game.

I’m a triple threat: novelist, movie maker, and slut husband.

How goes the college applications?

Easy mode.

We’re totes getting into wherever we want.

These academic knobs are slobbering over us.

We don’t even have safety schools.

We’re straight-A students with moving personal journeys about coming to Earth and stuff.

Wouldn’t, like, one safety be safer?

[both laughing]

My top choice is Harvard Gulf Shores.

It’s for geniuses who like playing Flip Cup.

I want to go to Princeton’s secret new campus inside the Epcot Ball.

Well, goddamn, I guess we’re all thriving.

JK Sevens quit smoking, the little clean lung king.

[JK Sevens beeping]

Even Korvo, the crustiest shit of the bunch, figured out how to find happiness.

[Korvo] Maurice, no running.

We need you building these boxy condos in a historic neighborhood, not laid up in the hospital.

Thanks, Mr. Korvo, we’re lucky to have such a bossy boss.

I’ll be the Hugo Bossa Nova of Boss Hoggs as long as we get this job done on schedule.

Heads up.

[whistle blowing] There’s a Baby’s Day Out over here.

Get the hook.

Son of a bitch, we only get three Babies’ Day Outs before we have to shut this whole thing down.

[clattering]

Let’s hear it for the best non-undercover boss around.

[workers] Korvo! Korvo! Korvo!

Alright, safety codes only allow for three cheers.

Back to work.

Greetings, my adoring and fulfilled family.

Look how happy Pupa is now that we bought him that Jeff Koons balloon doll.

It’s art because it’s a normal thing but big.

Woof, woof.

$88 million well spent.

It’s nice to have money again.

We are absolutely murdering the game.

I have to agree.

Finally, the Solar Opposites have found their way in this crazy, mixed-up world.

[Pupa screeching]

[bones crunching]

[growls]

[all screaming]

[♪ ominous music playing]

[Korvo]

Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia, until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa and escaped into space, searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.

I’m the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It’s a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Is this the last one of these I’m going to ramble about?

Feels a little premature.

Well, either way, it’s been an honor.

And I still hate humans.

They’re gross, they’re ugly, and they have terrible taste in ray guns.

[♪ dramatic music swells]

Bad Pupa, stop trying to eat us, you big goof.

[all screaming]

Owie, ow, ow, ow!

Don’t be such a bitey vampire.

[Terry groaning] [Pupa grunts] Enough, Pupa.

We don’t Bunnicula in this house.

[Korvo screaming] [Pupa growling] Ah, he’s sucking the blue right out of me.

[Korvo groaning]

[Yumyulack] Oh, good. He’s dead.

[all scream]

[hisses]

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[Pupa whimpers] Good thinking on the garlic.

Thank God we fell for that meal prep box.

Man, the vibes are totally ruined.

I can’t apply to college when the Pupa is trying to murder me Count Chocula style.

And I can’t focus on my 17th round of studio notes.

Is this a prewrite, an underpolish, or a dialogue puff?

I thought Pupa was supposed to stop evolving when Korvo got rid of his terraformation abilities.

[Korvo] This isn’t a natural part of his evolution.

Something is causing the Pupa to treat us like invaders.

Like a white blood cell that thinks we’re a virus.

I learned that shit from a YouTube video.

Pupa’s biology must be responding to something we fucked up as a family.

[all] Aw.

[Pupa hissing] Oh, man, I hate selfactualizing.

Okay. No bad ideas. No bad ideas.

We could just stick him in the space pod and shoot him into orbit until he cools down.

We already used it with Glen.

What are you talking? Who?

Our neighbor we shot with a collectible bullet.

Oh, yeah. Right, Glem.

I bet if he ever got back to Earth, he’d be pretty mad.

[voice echoing]

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

[TV clicks, music stops]

Hey, you freaks, I’m Peter, a background character from a nightclub in season one.

Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush.

Usually, we run a clips package to catch you up when the show transitions to the Silvercops storyline.

But we can only “Previously on” so many times before the flashbacks permanently damage our characters’ brains. [sighs] Look, if you started watching this show when you were 14, then now you’re 21.

So let’s be adults, and I’ll just lay it out for you.

Back in season three, Korvo and Terry shot their Fast and the Furious

obsessed dickhead neighbor Glen into space.

Glen was deputized by the Silvercops, a crooked alien police force who framed him for murder.

He added them to his revenge list, got his DNA altered to look like a big alien dog.

changed his name to Dodge, and joined the Goldcops, a regulatory agency who hate the Silvercops.

Now Glen, aka Dodge Charger, has made a life for himself with the Goldcops and is dating an alien who looks like a car.

Enjoy.

[moaning]

[Dodge] Oh. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, no. I mean, yes.

Oh! Alright, I gotta get up.

[Portia] Uhuh. Sorry, Officer.

I won’t allow it.

Someone else can fight the forces of evil today.

Portia, come on.

We’ve already done it three and a half times today.

I need a minute to reload.

[phone ringing]

Officer Charger, did I wake you?

Just, uh… [clears throat] finishing a workout, sir.

Finishing a workout.

But you’re already massive.

I order you to leave some muscle for the rest of us.

I’ll try, sir.

We’re very close to figuring out where those Silvercop fucksacks get all their funding.

We need you to go undercover and get ’em on tape.

I think I can handle wearing a wire.

Good. Your mission: Embed yourself within an elite squad as they travel to a planet called Earth.

You probably never heard of it.

Word is it smells like shit.

[gasps, coughs]

Please, I don’t want to be in orbit.

I don’t want to be in orbit.

Hey, hey, hey. Get the expository flashbacks out of your system now.

You will not have time for that crap when you’re in the field.

Undercover with a wire, that sounds dangerous.

Portia?

She’s right.

These Silvers have brutally killed undercover Goldcops many, many times before.

Whatever you do, make sure they don’t find out you’re a rat.

[Pupa growling]

[AISHA] This doesn’t make sense.

Y’all must have done something ignorant to mess him up.

But it’s been nothing but buenas vibras in this house.

Wait, that’s it, the vibes have been too good.

It’s all because of the Blank Boy I installed last year.

A what now?

It’s a Shlorpian emotion filter.

I hid it from all you guys since you never let me do science stuff.

But then I forgot about it, ’cause I got on TikTok.

[tiny Blank Boy giggles]

Oh, look at that wee fella.

So cute and harmless and stop fucking staring at me, you little bitch!

Blank Boys filter conflict out of the air.

They’re made so the crew of longhaul ships get along.

But we get in fights all the time.

No, we don’t!

Shut up, Terry. Yes. we do!

I don’t know how, but you’re both wrong!

[♪ soft music playing]

Raised voices.

That old Blank Boy’s gotta be full.

No wonder the Pupa’s so nasty.

The air’s full of conflict vibes.

Yep. Just need to swap in a new one.

[whirring, clanking]

[Pupa growling]

Ah, I know it’s in here somewhere.

Oh, looks like he got out of his holster.

[metal clanks] [gasps] Blank Boy?

[Blank Boy growling] Ah!

[all screaming] [Jesse] Oh, Christ.

Did that thing kill the Blank Boy?

[AISHA] Oh, shit, it is the Blank Boy.

[Blank Boy laughing]

Not so blank anymore!

I’ve been in the air ducts filtering all your secrets and shitty attitudes for so long, I’ve become the physical manifestation of your worst vibes.

[tiny Blank Boy whimpers]

[metal clanking]

[all screaming]

[alarm blares]

[AISHA] Dammit!

Blank Boys aren’t supposed to be used for this long.

He’s corrupted.

You quit it right now, Blank Boy.

You’re just an emotional tampon.

Wrap yourself in a tissue and throw yourself away.

[Korvo grunts] [all screaming] I know everything about you.

Your darkest secrets, your private Threadsthreads, and your Gmail passwords.

[Jesse screams]

[Korvo gasps] My edging videos.

I-I-I mean my bank account.

[Pupa growling] We need to throw him away for good.

Yeah, right.

Like you threw away Yumyulack’s rhythmic gymnastics magazines?

Don’t tattle on me, you narc.

[Jesse grunts] How could you, Jesse?

Did you throw out my ribbon sticks, too?

Terry still DMs Linus about virtual queues on Instagram.

[Korvo] Linus, that tramp you used to hang out with in Lines?

Only to tell him to leave me alone.

[grunting]

We’re not strong enough to take it down.

Maybe we can overload it.

What do you mean?

If he eats toxicity out of the air, then let’s give him something new to choke on.

[Blank Boy growling] [Terry screams] Ooh! Your bounty belt is so ugly, Yum.

[gasps] Old Beigey?

It accentuates the wrong curves.

You said you liked my hourglass shape.

[Blank Boy laughing]

[Korvo] It’s working. Admit more bad shit.

I sneak down at night and take bites out of the cheese brick in the fridge.

[gasps] Not Bricky.

[AISHA] Ew. That’s unsanitary as hell.

Your bad vibes only feed my strength.

When I drive, I try to hit pigeons, and I embezzle from the tip jar.

I changed the numbers on the scale so you’d hit your goal weight and rot with me on the couch.

I chew old gum that’s stuck under the desks at school.

Well, I don’t wash my hands.

I rub ’em on your faces while you sleep.

That’s why you get so much pink eye.

[Blank Boy shrieking] [explosion]

[beeping]

Wow! What a loser.

I didn’t even get to my 12chan stuff yet.

Hey, look, that did it.

The Pupa is back to normal.

I suppose honesty was the best policy after all.

[Pupa groaning, snarling]

Ah, he’s worse than before.

Pupa, you stop being a snake right now or no screens!

[Pupa hissing]

[all scream]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

We’re only a couple lightyears out from Earth.

Our mission’s simple: Eliminate the defective Shlorpians and remove their Pupa.

Yes, sir. Sorry.

Just tell me really loudly and clearly.

Why do we care?

Shlorpians are supposed to embed on a planet and terraform it, but sometimes they go native.

We can’t have them contacting other teams and spreading their deviant ways.

Surprised you didn’t know that, Dodge.

Sir, I’ve activated the Pupa’s snake form.

Don’t know how they reverted him back to normal, but we’re back on track.

Good. Maybe our job will be done before we get there.

Make sure they don’t find out you’re a rat.

Yeah, maybe we’ll be lucky and find a Goldcop rat and get to kill him.

Why are you even bringing up Goldcops?

We haven’t discussed them at all.

Well, I just think that if there’s a rat here, uh, it’s probably Glorpus.

Bullshit. I’m as Silver as they come.

Focus on the mission.

There’s no reason to suspect there’s a rat.

That sounds like rat talk, you fuckin’ rat.

[overlapping shouting]

[glass shatters] [all grunting] There, hopefully that’ll stop Pupes from snarfing us up.

Clearly, we’ve done something to cause the Pupa to mutate into murderous creatures.

If it wasn’t the bad vibras or the Blank Boy, maybe it’s some unresolved beef.

I don’t have beef with anyone.

I’m famously easygoing.

What about the Red Goobler?

God, I hate that motherfucker!

We are grade A beefing.

Whoa, calm down, Kmart.

Sorry. I’m just beefing, so hard.

Didn’t we bury the hatchet with that guy?

[snarling, gagging]

What’s happening? What’s he doing?

I think he’s having a flashback.

Put a belt in his mouth so he doesn’t bite his tongue.

We can’t afford two flashbacks in one episode. What are we, Netflix?

And it’s my turn to say, “Get fucked!”

[window shatters] [Korvo groaning] Ugh!

I really can’t stand that Red shit.

Maybe the Pupa will just revert back on his own.

[all scream]

I’ll get the keys.

[Yumyulack] Damn. Red Goobler has a Tony Stark mansion in this economy?

He franchised his San Diego brew pub and won a lawsuit against the red M&M.

So now he’s Richie Rich rich.

I think I saw a mini version of his bar at Midway Airport, right by the Potbelly.

That’s how you know you’ve made it.

[intercom beeps] Uh, hello.

It’s me, Korvo the alien, and I’m here to end our beef.

[Red Goobler] I knew this day would come.

You’re here to kill me!

Nuhuh. Our Pupa is reacting to our unresolved shit, so I am here to eat crow and then I’ll be on my way.

[Red Goobler] Yeah, right.

I’ve been preparing for your attack.

The house is full of booby traps!

Guess we better just start buying Pupa pajamas in snake sizes.

I’m trying to apologize, you little red fuck!

[gate clangs]

I’m going in, But, Korvy, the booby traps.

I know, but for the sake of the Pupa, I’m going to bury my face in them and motorboat those traps.

Uh, might not be that kind of boobies.

[Korvo grunting] [gate creaks, clangs] Red, I’m coming in.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[Korvo gasps] [Red Goobler] You’re in my domain now.

Turn back or suffer!

Look, I know I’m in the wrong here.

If you can just listen.

[screams]

Oh, I deserved that.

Ah.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[stone rumbling] [Korvo screams] Ow, ow, ow. Oh…

Yeah. Fair enough.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[door rumbling]

[♪ ska music playing]

[Korvo yells] What did you tape to their heads?

[Red Goobler] Those needles are full of the chemicals that make people like ska music.

Ska music! No! I hate horn sections. Ugh.

I have to do this for the Pupa.

[water splashes]

[Korvo screaming] Oh, my God!

[retches] Oh, it hurts!

You could have at least tried to jump it.

[Korvo] I’m willfully getting fucked by your traps to demonstrate my contrition.

Enough. Enough.

I can’t believe you just jumped in there.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Ending our beef is the only way I can save the Pupa.

He’s family, just like you.

Oh. We kind of are family, aren’t we?

Yeah. In a father-cousin kind of way.

Can we listen to Sublime?

The ska’s in your blood.

Let’s get out of this hallway before the diarrhea gas activates.

No Doubt.

[Pupa growling] [chain clinking] Seeing you purposefully get booby trapped was kind of moving.

I’m sorry I ruined your wedding.

I shouldn’t have been such a jerk.

[Pupa hissing]

I’m not even into women.

I-I just love weddings.

You’ve made an excellent life for yourself.

I’m proud of you.

That’s all I ever wanted.

Aw.

[Pupa groaning]

[collar clinks] [sighs] Alright. Catharsis worked.

Dammit, they did something to revert the Pupa again.

We need to get these Shlorpians eaten now.

Hey, maybe it’s the rat’s fault.

Why are you obsessed with–

You’re obsessed!

Let’s all shoot up with some illegal salt. Huh?

Whoever refuses has to be the rat.

What? Why would a rat not want to do something illegal?

Call pest control, ’cause we got a rat.

[punches thudding] [all yelling] Okay. Okay. I’m calm.

There’s no rat. There’s no rat.

Get your head in the game, son.

Yes, of course. Ugh.

Uploading Pupa ape code now.

[evil laughter] [machine beeping] You feeling okay?

Except for the ska thing, yeah.

I can still hear the unnecessary trumpets echoing in the back of my mind.

At least the Pupa’s normal so it all worked out in the end.

[all scream] [Pupa growls] [tires screeching] [horns honking] This should kill those Shlorpians for sure.

Ahchoo!

Gold bless you.

[all gasp] Only Goldcops say, “Gold bless you.”

[stammers] Stop accusing me.

You’re giving me nervous gas.

[Dodge farts] [pants ripping] [gasps] Gold pants!

Rat!

[all grunting]

[Dodge screaming]

[Solars grunting] [Pupa growling] [Terry] Oh, man, Gorilla Pupa sure does love apples.

Whatever’s making him all weird must be bigger than family problems or Red Goobler beef.

What else could it be?

[Pupa growling] [all screaming]

[thuds]

This is big.

Pupa must be mad about the world.

That’s it, the environment, politics, the general smell of shit.

[Yumyulack] If we make the world a better place, the Pupa will go back to normal.

But how? We sold all our sci-fi stuff, and I’m too lazy to compost.

[Pupa growling]

[all yell]

[metal clangs]

[all grunt]

[Yumyulack grunting]

Bad gorilla.

[Pupa growls]

We’ll have to fix the world by hand.

It’ll take a while, but it’ll be this family team’s whole new thing.

Looks like the Solar Opposites are going to solve all the problems on Earth.

[all cheering]

Should we start with microplastics or what?

Oh, let’s redistribute all the wealth from the billionaires to kids, like Blank Check.

Hey, where’d Pupa go?

[Pupa growling]

[all screaming]

[Korvo] Pupa, no!

We’re going to save the world.

[growling] [all screaming] I’m a rat, okay. I’m a Gold damn rat.

[Dodge sobbing]

Oh, fuck, are you going to kill me now?

[tape rips] You’re more useful to us alive.

No, I’m not. I mean, yes, I am.

Your rat nature is why I know you’ll be a great double agent.

You can feed misinformation to the Golds.

What do you say?

What’s the other option?

We give you a wet willy, then kick you out of the airlock.

Yeesh, wet willies are gross.

And outside the airlock, it’s just space?

That’s right.

Uhhuh.

Uh, I’m worried he’s weighing the options at all.

No wait, I’ll do it.

I’ll join the Silvercops. Again.

That’s what I like to hear.

Dude, this is so Fast & Furious 6 coded.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[door swishes]

What’s the deal?

I thought you loved killing rats.

I do. Once we’re done with these Shlorpians, we’ll torture him into a pile of blood and guts then have an orgy on the viscera.

[laughs] Fucking and sucking in the goo.

Just like we did with the last Gold rat.

Ain’t being crooked cops the best?

[both moan] I love our evil hugs.

Me too.

[Pupa growling] [all screaming] Gorillas aren’t inherently violent.

Shut up, nerd.

Wait, wait, before you smash us, here, so you don’t get bored after we die.

[Pupa growling]

Pop it?

He likes it.

Quick, everyone, spoil his ass.

Here’s those purple puffs you like.

[Pupa growls]

[Korvo] It’s working.

[JK Sevens beeping] [Jesse] Oh, a trash can full of candy and a gallon of bubble juice.

Good call, JK.

[Pupa burps]

[JK Sevens beeps] Optimus Prime?

Yes, of course, anything you want, sweetie.

Get him the fucking transforming child toy now.

You’ll always be our sweet baby.

I wuv you.

[Optimus] The All Spark loves Doritos.

Looks like we won’t have to save the world after all.

Yeah, that did sound like a lot of work.

Ah, want to watch literally anything on TV instead?

Even, uh, Chicago Med. I’ll do it.

I’ll… I’ll just… I’ll, I’ll do it.

[door bangs] [all screaming] Everybody on the ground!

[Solars scream] [Pupa shrieks] What the hecking fuck?

Silvercops.

I thought you were a myth.

[electricity crackling] [Korvo screaming] Aah!

[electricity crackling] [Jesse, Pupa screaming] Damn you, Silvercops, get out of my house before I zap your asses.

Zap! Zap! Zap! Za…

[static hissing] [Korvo] No!

What did you do to her?

[Terry, Jesse groan]

You made JK fall off the wagon.

[Pupa grunts] [Terry] Hey, not cool.

You let our Pupa out right now.

Boom. Told you I’d be back.

I mean, I didn’t, but I’m saying it now.

So I’m back.

What? We’ve never seen you before, weirdo.

Wait, I know that voice from when he used to yell ethnic slurs at me from his porch.

You’re the guy we shot into space.

Oh, maybe lay off the plastic surgery, Glen.

Super lame to narc us out to the cops.

We’re here because you keep resetting your Pupa.

How dare you monitor our private mission progress?

Seeing as you’re gonna be dead in a minute, I’ll pull the curtain back a little so we can all enjoy the faces you make when you realize that your lives are a joke.

The Silvercops have been around for centuries.

We used to be a small operation until someone came up with the Shlorpian scam.

[Yumyulack] Bullshit. I love scams.

I think I’d know if I was in one.

Ours is the oldest trick in the galaxy.

Been around even longer than signing up for a free week at a gym, only to find out you’ve been locked into a membership.

Don’t act like you know more about Shlorpians than we do, pal.

Oh, so you knew that the Silvercops invented the Pupas to terraform planets.

And that we made the AISHAs to keep tabs and make sure you all stay on mission?

That’s not true.

Your real mission is to make us money.

[Solars gasp] But we had to escape from the home world because it was hit by an asteroid.

[Silvercops laughing]

Planet Shlorps are always getting hit by asteroids because we send them.

[Jesse, Yumyulack, Terry gasp]

[Korvo] No.

[Silvercop Boss]

You take over and terraform planets to clear out any threats.

Then, after you rebuild your cities and society, we show up with our asteroid gun.

You and 99 other crews shoot off into space to repeat the process while we come in and scoop up all the valuable elements left behind.

See, you work for us.

Murderers!

[Silvercop Boss] That’s right.

And we always get away with it, you know why?

Because we made sure everyone in the galaxy hates your species.

That way, no one gives a shit ass about wiping you out over and over again.

You can control my species, kidnap my Pupa, and terrorize my family but never fuck with my mission!

[Korvo grunting]

[electricity crackling] [Korvo groaning] Enough. This whole planet smells like shit.

Kill these losers and let’s get out of here.

You said I’d be useful.

You are.

If the Goldcops investigate, they’ll think it was your revenge plot.

Goldcops? That’s so dumb.

They’re not dumb.

[whooshing] They’re my familia!

[guns firing]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Dodge groaning]

[grunting]

Okay. If you’re gonna beg and piss your pants, that should be now.

Sure. Except this whole time, I’ve had a backup wire in my ass!

Now! Go! Go!

[window shatters]

[Silvercops scream] Oh, yeah!

[♪ electronic music playing]

[thuds]

[Silvercop groans] Yeah!

Alright.

♪♪

Huh?

[gasps]

[punch thuds]

[Silvercop groans] Goldcops!

Thanks for laying out the Shlorpian scam for us, you idiot.

Yeah!

Suck it!

[feet pattering]

Sorry, busted into a window upstairs, my bad.

[♪ soft music playing]

Thanks for the save, Glen Dodge.

Sorry we inadvertently shot you with a collectible bullet.

And then cast you off into space.

No, I should be thanking you.

I thought you took my life away, but I found an even better life.

Come home to me, Dodge.

I love that big dog dick.

[moans] I fuck cars now.

Book these punks.

[all laughing]

[Jesse] Yeah! Woohoo!

[Terry] Woohoo!

Aww.

[Terry] It’s been a couple of months since those silver cucks tried to kill our asses.

And let’s just say there’s a silver lining to the story.

Dodge and his car-shaped girlfriend made things official.

[guests cheering, applauding]

Jesse and Yumyulack got accepted into the most prestigious college in the world, Wooden City Tech.

That’s Ivy League.

Well, i-it isn’t, but half the campus is made of ivy and a bunch of ivy kids go there.

I’m going to miss those little freaks even though they’ll come home on the weekends to do their laundry and on weeknights for free food.

And me, I got to direct my first Hollywood picture, and everyone loved how chill and collaborative I was.

This movie is going to destroy me!

You fucks are ruining my life!

I can see you back there wandering around!

♪ Da dada dada dada ♪

Things are actually going great.

I just want to get on Deuxmoi.

The Silvercops got shut down.

Their high-concept reign of terror was finally over.

Without the Silvercops, Shlorpians don’t have to worry about asteroids or terraforming anymore.

And don’t worry, Korvo is happy because he found a new mission to be bratty about.

He goes around to different planets explaining to Shlorpian teams that they can just be families.

Hey, you can’t park that ship there, we’re on a mission.

You’re going to ruin our Pupa’s evolution.

Oh, shut up, stop embarrassing yourself.

I’m about to set you free and boss you around.

Alright. Alright. Hurry up.

I’ve got a full schedule, and this planet smells like shit.

[Pupas] Pupa! Pupa! Pupa!

[JK Sevens beeping] Pupa! Pupa! Pupa!

[♪ epic theme swells, ends]

[wind whooshing]

[♪ upbeat music playing on TV]

Pupa, don’t you eat Solar Opposites!

Get that out of your mouth!

Nobody’s going to pick up the show again if you get your spit all over it!

Drop it! Pupa!

[♪ dramatic theme playing]

♪♪

[mimicking laser fire]