Solar Opposites
Season 5 – Episode 5
Episode title: Ex-Boyfriend Island
Original release date: August 12, 2024
Plot: Jesse’s ex-boyfriends come back to haunt the Solars.
* * *
[♪ dramatic theme playing]
[school bell rings]
Hey, come on, we gotta hurry or we’ll miss the new Drew Barrymore Show.
Drew’s having a reunion with the bicycle from E.T.
The first time she did coke was right off the seat.
No can do, Yum.
My new boyfriend’s pro Call of Duty team
has a match against the New Brunswick Acid Lions today.
I have to be here to show support.
Ugh, you’re such a bot.
You’re only into eSports
because you’re dating a Twitch Partner.
Nah-uh. I liked Z’ash when he was just an Affiliate.
Plus, he’s played all the Horizon Zero Dawn DLC,
so he knows how to respect women.
Weren’t you just dating the debate captain?
And before that, some emo douche?
You’re really tossing out the boy toys, Jesse.
You sure this isn’t about you and not them?
[motor rumbling]
‘Sup, @Jesse?
Z’ash has entered the chat.
Ooh! I love how online you are in IRL.
People come to the Oasis for all the things they can do,
but they stay for all the things they can be.
What does that even mean?
Whisk me away on my gaming chair-iot!
Let the hunt for Halliday’s Easter Eggs begin.
Have fun going home in a chair not ergonomically designed
for extended subathons, loser!
A better reality awaits!
[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the… space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth,
stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That’s right, I’ve been talking this whole time.
I’m the one holding the Pupa.
My name is Korvo. This is my show.
Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.
It’s a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Why are there so many types of nipples?
Just settle on one size and shape of nipple
so I can pass my figure drawing class!
[♪ dramatic music playing]
Pupa.
[JK Sevens beeps, dings]
Ah.
[JK Sevens beeping]
[♪ dramatic music]
Keep it up, old guy.
Once we get all those yard bucks, I can pay off my debts
and maybe even have enough left over
to buy a little homestead by the tire swing
where Terry popped his eye out trying to do a Jackass.
[Hedgey squeaks]
[laughs] You got that right.
[sighs]
Oh, hang on, I gotta take a leak.
[unzips]
[urinating]
Awww, yeah.
[Sofia sneezes]
Shit, thought I cured that.
[Sofia sneezes]
[Sofia screams]
[grunts]
What the fuck are you doin’ here?
Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t notice I was hiding in there.
The hedgehog saw me sneaking a look a couple times.
Oh, he did, did he?
[squeaks]
Well, may as well sit upfront now.
Don’t feel like you have to fart less on my behalf.
Whoa, whoa, you’re not going anywhere.
You’re going back to Gutterville.
And for your information,
that is not farting, the cart seat makes that noise.
You don’t understand, my Uncle Oscar was murdered.
What are you talkin’ about? I just saw him.
This bounty hunter guy showed up on a lizard and killed him.
If I go back, he’ll get me too.
Crap, I think I know that guy.
Was the lizard kind of flopping around, like its bones were optional?
Yeah, [sniffs] super floppy.
Oh, shit. That’s Little Richard.
The singer?
No, people call him that because his name is Richard,
and he’s little now.
But we’re all little.
Look, I owe money all over the yard.
Someone must have hired to hunt me down.
Your uncle was collateral damage.
[Sofia sobbing]
[sighs]
I’ll deliver you to the little village that formed in the raccoon skull.
It smells like dead raccoon, but you’ll be safe, okay?
I promise I won’t slow you down.
You already have.
Luckily, I know a shortcut.
[Gavin farts]
[Sofia] Oh, it really is the seat!
[Gavin] Nah, that one was me.
[♪ gentle music playing]
Hey! Everyone pay attention to me!
I just got the greatest fuckerfudgin’ email of my life.
Don’t tell me that Italian prince needs more money.
I’m starting to think he’ll never be king.
Korvo, you are never going to believe this,
but we have finally become MeUndies Power Bottoms!
Sound the ancient horn and light the ancestral fires!
Today, we are the princes.
What’s a Power Bottom?
It means we bought so many pairs of MeUndies
that we’ve gained Ultra Diamond status!
We’re the white meat turkey of boxer brief subscribers!
Hold on to your milkers
’cause they’re sending MeUndies and YouUndies
on an all-expenses-paid trip
to their Balls Fresh Tropicool island!
This is gonna be awesome!
[Korvo spits]
[Terry and Korvo laugh]
Oh, bitch, you’re not going.
Why can’t this bitch go?
Because you buy Hanes in a 20-pack plastic sack like a freak!
They don’t even collab with Rihanna.
Imagine a Hanes boy thinking he can go
to the MeUndies Tropicool island.
Come on, guys, I really wanna go.
Yeah, that’s the point of status.
Rubbing it in is half the fun,
which is why we’ll be sending you pictures
to make you jealous the whole time.
Have fun with your FOMO, you little shit.
[Terry and Korvo laughing]
Pfft, like I care about a stupid underpants island.
[phone dings]
Aw, man, I’m hella jealous,
and they’re not even out of the driveway!
I just don’t understand
why you won’t let me come on the whole journey.
I’ve always wanted to see all of the backyard.
Yard’s a dangerous place.
You’ve spent most of your little life sheltered.
Don’t trick yourself into thinking that you know how to survive out here.
Hey, buddy! I can take care of myself!
[earring sparkles]
[gasps]
[both grunt]
Get those things off your head!
Why did you do that?
Your earrings! Get rid of ’em!
No!
[Hedgey squeaks]
Lawn hasn’t been watered in weeks.
The animals are gettin’ desperate.
So?
So a hungry squirrel’s attracted to shiny things.
Like those fuckin’ earrings.
Okay, well, I didn’t know that.
That’s what I meant by sheltered.
I’m a quick study.
I only had to watch, like, six YouTube tutorials
to master a cat eye.
Yeah, well, just try not to get us killed by a cat.
[Sofia] [grumbling] That doesn’t even make sense.
[squirrel chittering]
Vacuum. Vacuum ghosts. Vacuum ghosts.
Wow, look at Z’ash go.
He’s like the Michael Jordan of Luigi’s Mansion!
Terry and Korvo won’t stop sending me pictures
from their stupid awesome vacation.
Look at their room. It’s built into a cave,
and they have their own goth butler.
Why did I have to wear the wrong underwear?
Oh, my God, that’s my goth ex-boyfriend Allister.
His real name is Carl, but he changed it
to better reflect the dark nature of his outfits.
Huh, weird that Allister/Carl works at the MeUndies resort now.
Oh, no, that’s Harrison and Graham.
Ah, geez, okay, look, that’s Isla Chafa,
an uninhabited island
where I’ve been dumping all my ex-boyfriends
once they get too clingy.
Damn, the staff all have sick rifles.
Would you listen to me?
Terry and Korvo have been kidnapped by my ex-boyfriends,
and now I have to rescue their asses!
And possibly confront my heartbreaker past!
Ooh, that’s a great excuse to crash their vacation.
It’s not a vacation.
How FOMO blind are you?
Please let me come with you. I deserve a treat!
I haven’t ruined someone’s life in, like, 10 hours.
God, you are so stupid. Okay, fine. Let’s go.
[cart rattling]
There it is, Sandbox Town.
You know, before they built it, it was just a sandbox.
And before that, a place for cats to take a shit.
[Sofia] One of the six wonders of the backyard!
[♪ mellow Western music]
Where is everybody?
I don’t know.
Keep your guard up.
[creaking]
[all] Lift, lift, lift.
[all] Lift, lift, lift.
Lift, lift, lift.
Wow, they really want that bottle.
You got a lot of balls showing face in Sandbox Town,
you roughly one-centimeter-tall piece of human garbage.
Anthony! Look, I swear to God, I thought that paper plane could carry us.
I’m just fuckin’ with you, man!
But now I’m not kidding.
[laughs] I was just kidding again.
Comedy rule of twos, you know.
Look how awesome my sword is.
You totally thought I was gonna stab you, bro.
Your face was like, “Oh! Don’t stab me!”
[chuckles nervously] Good to see you, Anthony.
Welcome to my town.
It used to be the sandbox.
Yeah, that’s pretty clear.
Stop diggin’, start vibin’. We have guests!
[crowd cheering]
[camera clicking]
Ugh!
We need to be careful to not run into any of my ex-boyfriends.
They’ve been abandoned here for so long
they’ve probably gone a little cuckoo.
[laughing] I just sent a selfie to Terry and Korvo.
They’re gonna be so pissed that I crashed their vacation.
They’ve been kidnapped!
You’re the only one who isn’t seeing what’s happening here.
[growling softly]
[phone dings]
Oh! That little Hanes-wearing shit is on our island!
His FOMO is going to be wearing off by the second!
Quick, order us room service!
Can we get some food over here?
Look at this picture of Terry and Korvo’s resort food.
They just got free moldy bread!
I gotta figure out a way to make them as jealous as I am.
Do you see any free snacks?
Did you hear that?
[chain clinking]
Wallet chain!
[Allister groaning]
It’s Allister. Being outside of his mom’s basement
for this long must be making him crazy.
We gotta get past him.
[phone dings]
Oh, Terry’s sending smug selfies now.
[Allister growls]
Shit, pentagram necklace!
[Allister growls]
Hurry, that’ll only distract him for a moment!
Two can play at this game.
Hashtag no filter. Hashtag Hanesboy.
[phone dings]
Silence your phone, dumbass,
or you’ll alert more feral boyfriends!
Where do you think they do the vacation braids here?
If Terry sees me with vacation braids,
he’s gonna dump gooblers.
Oh, no, it’s Graham, my VSCO ex-boyfriend,
and Harrison, leader of the debate team.
They’ve learned to hunt as a pack.
We have to get out of here.
Sksksksk.
See, the affirmative starts
and they have six minutes to make their case.
Grarrrrrr
Oh, no. Run!
[Jesse and Yumyulack panting]
[Jesse grunts]
[both screaming]
[Jesse] Come on, let’s hide behind the stunningly beautiful waterfall.
I bet Terry and Korvo haven’t seen this.
Oh, my God, Z’ash! You came to save me.
You’re the best boyfriend of all time.
Game over, Jesse.
Basketballs? I don’t get it.
Are those from NBA2K?
[Jesse groans]
[Yumyulack yelps]
[♪ exotic music playing]
♪
The Pupa buried that bottle of Maker’s Mark
with Little Buddy last year.
That guy was a real bad influence.
You’ve really found a new life here, Tony.
We’re all just grains of sand,
passing through fingers, tickling toes,
a couple of grains getting stuck around the labia flaps.
When you become one with the sand,
you truly find yourself.
So what are you gonna do with the bottle once you get it out?
Nada. That’s nothing in Mexican.
[laughs] That’s a lot of work for nothin’.
We’ve already removed the plastic shovels and candy wrappers.
Once we get that bottle out,
the sand will finally be at peace.
Mm, this place is great.
Plus, this food is amazing!
Yeah, everyone seems a little too into it.
[rapturous groaning]
Hey, something weird’s going on around here, right?
Yeah, usually hippies dive into an orgy way faster than this.
They’re harmless.
So you love sand, huh?
Oh, yeah. I-I could talk about it at length.
[Gavin] Hmm, please do.
[moans] Where are we?
Look, boys, the princess is awake.
Z’ash, I can’t believe you would do this to me.
I changed your diapers during your Destiny raids.
Did Crota mean nothing to you?
The eSports boyfriend that you knew as Z’ash
was just a fiction,
a ploy to distract you into complacency.
In reality, I am, and have always been,
Splash Mondoon,
your regular sports boyfriend.
I like basketball, hockey, and et cetera!
No wonder you were so bad at Destiny 2.
I planned all of this to get back at you
for abandoning me and your dumb other exes on this cursed island.
I used my rowing techniques to escape,
then lured you here with my general sports charisma.
Now you know how it feels to be trapped by a lover.
Jesse, what the hell is happening here?
Ugh! I already explained it and so did he.
Yeah, but even half paying attention,
why are these exes so heightened and specific?
Because they aren’t normal ex-boyfriends.
At school, I was having a hard time finding my own identity.
All the other girls in my class have distinct personalities,
and I’m just a boring old space alien.
So I used a device on the ship
to 3D print flesh hunks coded with hyper-specific interests,
then I dated them so I could adopt their personalities.
[Splash] But that didn’t work, did it?
[Jesse] No. I kept getting bored
and ashamed of being such a poser with each guy,
so instead of breaking up with them,
I threw them away on this island and started from scratch.
[Yumyulack] Jesse. Oh, my God.
I know!
I love ’em, leave ’em, and never retrieve ’em.
Our cave is twice as big as Terry and Korvo’s.
That is so lit.
Yum, your ADHD has gone from cute to troubling real quick.
Well, I’m glad you can finally admit what you did, Jesse.
It was cruel of you to use us and then lose us.
I know and I’m sorry.
Just let my family go, Splash.
They don’t deserve this.
Uh, I’m gonna have to give you a red card on that one, chief.
We’re gonna leave you and your family to rot in this cave.
And after that, we’re going to move into your house
so we can take a shit in a real bathroom.
[phone beeps]
Yumyulack’s room is bigger.
That whiny little pussy must have gotten upgraded!
Okay, sure. B-b-but does he have all these bats? Huh?
Send him a picture of those.
[bats squealing]
Hey, Gavin. Wake up, man. What’s the deal?
[mumbling] Yummy Eric Bana.
I’m going to T-Bell, you want a new face?
Are you stoned?
Hmm.
♪
[gags, gasps]
A-ha! I knew it.
[Anthony] [gasps] What’re you doing here?
You’re using these mushrooms
to drug your people into zonked-out hippies.
What? No. These are shiitake.
I know magic mushrooms grow in a shit-positive environment,
that’s why this hole smells like ass.
Okay, fine, you’re right.
The backyard is a terrifying place to live
and the psilocybin, it helps us become one with the sand.
And also we have killer orgies.
Bullshit! If it was all good, then you wouldn’t be sneaking off.
I’m gonna tell the truth and let your people decide
if they like tripping balls all day.
Aah!
You like truth, huh? Fine.
I need these people stoned so they keep digging.
All this for sand?
I don’t care about the stupid sand.
What I want is the bottle.
When I get that whiskey,
I’m going to corner the market on booze in the backyard.
I’ll be so rich with yard bucks,
I can leave all these dummies behind
and move to Basketballburgh
where I can buy my way into the elite.
So you’re just gonna abandon these people?
Of course, I am. Rich people can do whatever they want.
Not if I tell them what you’re up to.
Uh, yeah, about that.
Remember my awesome sword?
I’m gonna kill you with it.
[sword swishes]
[Sofia yelps]
You got shit in my eyes!
Fuck! It’s under my contact lens!
Sorry, Yum. If I just had confidence in who I was,
I wouldn’t have had to make all those fake boyfriends
and none of this would’ve happened.
We almost have an ocean view.
I don’t need to get an identity from ship-printed boyfriends.
I just have to be myself, and then the power of my true personality
will overcome these boyfriends and they’ll release me.
Hey, Splash.
What do you want?
[Allister groans]
This is the real me.
I like my family. I love to sleep in.
Once I returned Cheetos Flaming Hot Wings from Applebee’s
and said it was ’cause they were cold,
but I just regretted ordering them.
That’s the real Jesse.
Now you know.
[laughs]
Nice try. That was just a list of boring traits.
Teenagers don’t develop real personalities until they get in their 20s.
Oh, no! So being myself didn’t work?
No, just like Wendy’s fries, you’re bland.
We’re gonna be trapped here until I’m 20?
Will Hulu even exist then?
Wait. Hey, Harrison, debate boyfriend.
Yumyulack was just saying he wanted to use an ad hominem attack.
What? No way, you-you can’t do that.
Ah! [groans]
[Jesse and Yumyulack panting]
Wait, don’t you wanna hear me establish my assertion
with evidence and logic?
Stop them!
[blowing whistle]
[Jesse screaming]
Gavin, we gotta go.
Just disco fries, please. I hide the key in my armpit.
Come on, big guy, wake up.
[Gavin groaning]
[♪ intense music]
You gotta sober up, man. Come on.
Wh-where are we?
I need you to get your head on straight.
Anthony is…
[Anthony grunts]
[Anthony and Sofia scream]
[Sofia groans]
[both grunting]
What’s going on?
This bottle belongs to all the sand people.
It could change their lives.
With that thinking, you’ll never survive in the backyard.
[sword sparkles]
[squirrel growling]
Wow, that sword really is cool.
Where did you buy it?
Buy it? [scoffs]
I made this by hand.
Unlike you, I’ve had to scratch and claw my own way
through this godforsaken yard.
Wow, tell me more.
I made it from the nail file part of some clippers,
and the handle is a piece of sticker.
I once heard that having something shiny
in the backyard is a really bad idea.
[squirrel screeching]
[gasps]
No, no. [yells]
[growling]
[♪ dramatic music]
[sword swishing]
[rumbling]
[thud]
[screeches]
[roars]
[Anthony laughing]
That’s right. I control the sand.
[wood creaking]
Get out of there.
No.
I’ve got this!
I’m the master of the sand!
[screaming]
Let’s get the fuck out of here before he springs out of the sand.
I have seen too many of those kind of movies.
[all grunting]
♪
Hashtag cardio life.
I’ll never beat these boys without a real personality.
I need life experience fast.
Maybe I can date a vegan or travel to Belize for one month
and make it my whole thing.
But that’s still so basic.
Ah, great, now it’s loading car ads first.
Why does it do that? Just post already.
Wait! Yumyulack, that’s it.
Uh, what the hell is going on?
When did we end up on a cliff? What day is it?
I’m gonna throw you off this mountain
and kill your uncharismatic ass for good.
I may be basic, but now I’m basic with this.
You bought a car?
That’s the one thing that simulates an identity in teens! Yech.
That’s right. A 2009 Saturn Vue in clinical blue.
My credit journey starts today.
You have more personality than anyone in your grade.
Why is this happening to me?
The more interesting I get, the weaker you become.
I’m gonna get a “coexist” bumper sticker
and be a designated driver, bitch.
Everyone will wanna hang out with me now.
[Splash yells]
[♪ triumphant crescendo]
[tires squeal]
[girl] Ugh.
How long is this going to take?
We’re starting to sober up.
This will just take a minute, Stacis.
And then we can go back to being popular.
Hit a whippet while I wrap up my shit.
Turn me up, queen.
Come on, it’s okay. You can do it.
[groaning]
You’ll be safe here. These are your people.
[Allister groans]
Don’t worry, I’m gonna get you all to your natural habitats.
Because I have a car.
[girls cheer]
Jesse rules!
Let’s get fucked up on hard seltzer
and disappoint our stepdads.
Whoo-hoo!
[Jesse] Wow, what a day.
We saved the boyfriends, confronted my past,
and we even rescued Terry and Korvo.
I can’t believe they thought they were on a vacation the whole time.
What a couple of dipshits.
Wait a minute, did we rescue Terry and Korvo?
Yeah, right? I thought we did.
Didn’t Terry make us those Skittles frittatas for brunch?
I made those.
Ah, geez.
Oh, man. I’ve never felt this relaxed in my life.
Best wellness retreat ever.
Damn, Korv, you’re so relaxed.
Yum’s gonna be so jealous…
How are you feeling?
Like shit.
I’m glad you trusted your gut,
or we’d be stoned and digging in sand right now.
Huh.
Maybe you do have what it takes to make it out here.
I still have a lot to learn.
Like, I can’t believe that even after we told everyone about Anthony’s plan,
they still decided to keep doing mushrooms and worshiping the sand.
[Gavin] Ah, I guess we all have to find some way to be happy.
[groaning]
[bounty hunter] Tell me where they went.
I told you I don’t know.
Just like the rest of ’em.
You’re no use to me.
[lizard growls]
[♪ thrilling music]
[♪ dramatic theme]
[mimicking laser fire]
