Solar Opposites
Season 5 – Episode 4
Episode title: The Educational Sprinkler Device
Original release date: August 12, 2024
Plot: Terry and Korvo open a private school.
* * *
[TV blaring]
[Korvo] Pupa? Pupa!
Where are you, ya snuggly little shit sock?
Knock it off, Korvo. We’re trying to watch Inlander.
Yeah, it’s the prequel to Outlander, and it’s the only reason I haven’t filled my pockets with stones and walked into a river.
We’re just about to find out the canonical explanation for why they eat so much ass.
I bet it’s ’cause the Scottish countryside is freezing, so it keeps their noses toasty.
The Pupa keeps putting bite marks in all my stuff.
Look what he did to my serving spoon. This shit is teak.
Ah! Korvo, why don’t you just use the Find My Pupa app?
I made it in my AP app class specifically for this reason.
I hate that app. I refuse to pay for the premium version, and the ads are all for antidepressants you can only buy in Poland.
The free version still works if the Pupa’s within a block radius, you friggin’ dork.
Fine.
[Pupa] Found me.
He’s across the street?
Company move!
[Pupa snarfing]
Aw, poor little guy was probably teething.
Look at him suck on that muffler.
Does baby like to suck on a muffler?
Yes, he does. Ooh.
Why does he keep breaking into this creepy abandoned house, anyway?
Guys, it’s not abandoned.
This is where Glen lived, remember Glen?
The guy you blasted into space after you indirectly shot him in the foot with a collectible bullet?
Save these made-up stories for your Substack.
We’re standalone boys for life, no consequences, and all the violence is cartoonish.
We might wanna remember Glen.
He’s probably plotting a revenge on us.
Yeah, right, from space?
He’ll be lucky to survive reentry.
Yeah, he’s probably just floating around because humans are so obsessed with gravity.
Once again, your co-replicant has it right.
That Glen guy will never do anything to us,
least of all a revenge.
We never, ever have to think about him ever again!
[♪ Silvercops theme playing]
[planets whooshing]
[planets whooshing]
[jellyfish whooshing]
♪
[♪ guitar riff playing]
♪ Previously on “Silvercops” ♪
♪ Shot Glen to space, met cops ♪
♪ Had sex with cops ♪
♪ Got betrayed by cops ♪
♪ Met some friends, not cops ♪
♪ Betrayed them and joined the cops ♪
♪ This is a cautionary tale ♪
♪
I wanna see some hustle.
If you wanna be Silvercops, you gotta know how to fuck, buck, and work your vehicle.
Shit, I meant truck.
Y’all could stand to be a little more like Dodge here.
This guy embodies fuckin’ and suckin’.
Crushin’ the game, Dodge.
Who? Oh, right, that’s my name now.
Yes sir, Sergeant, sir.
Yo, Charger, new recruit shuttle’s about to land.
Remember when that was us?
You mean, three days ago?
For my species, that’s like 10 days.
Let’s go haze their asses.
Nah, I gotta buff my hover muffler, or the hovering won’t make that woo-woo-woo noise that sounds so cool when you drive it around.
Playing it cool, I see how it is.
That makes me wanna win your favor, like, 3% more. Nice!
[shuttle whirring]
Listen up, you silver scum.
Let ’em know!
Today your real training begins, but most of you slime ain’t gonna make it through boot camp.
Tell ’em!
Because Silvercops have to be tough.
Tough like my girlfriend’s titties.
And how do we measure toughness?
I actually don’t know.
It all comes down to the Final Trial, the most brutal competition of your lives.
Only the best and strongest will move on to the next phase of becoming a Silvercop.
That sounds final as hell.
The rest of you, you get sent back to your shitty little lives and your shitty little non-Silver families in Silver shame.
Kill yourselves.
Too far.
Okay, little overboard.
Uh, hi. I’m Tomblr.
Crundle Tomblr, but on Xorathios, there’s so many Crundles,
I just go by my last name.
I’m gonna shut up now. What’s your name?
Dang, why can’t I stop talkin’?
What the hell you think this is, recruit?
A frozen dairy social?
Oh, shit, he’s cookin’ with lactose now!
Uh, yes, sir. I mean no, sir?
Drop and give me 20.
I didn’t bring my wallet.
Push-ups, you piece of shit!
[recruits laughing]
Hidey-hey-hey, Solars!
What’s the meaning of this front yard gathering, neighbor Kevin?
Why do all these kids look British?
They’re rich! The wife and I got our kids into Burberry Academy.
Um, I think you mean Booberry.
Burberry’s the best preschool in the tri-state area.
Let me rub it in a bit.
[Terry] Whoa, look at those parents.
Now these are a couple of PILFs. Schwing!
Solars, meet Alex and Alex.
Their kid’s at Burberry, too.
Our little Alex has blossomed since she got into the Burb.
She can bake a tarte tatin, and she has a Letterbox account.
Her review of Frances Ha was nothing to laugh at.
[all laughing]
That sounds stupid.
Our Pupa doesn’t need any of that shit.
Last week, he brought home a possum.
This Booberry Academy sounds awesome, and the parents are so sexy.
I can’t stop schwinging.
Yes, your pelvic thrusts are very noticeable,
but does the Pupa really need more education?
He’s already a supercomputer.
Oh, my God, is your ugly son eating a car
instead of socializing with the other children?
Scandal!
Wow, Pupa’s got such a sense of humor.
That kid is a, well, he’s a regular Jay Leno
with the cars, isn’t he? [chuckles]
Okay, it’s official.
The Solar Opposites are getting Pupa into Burberry Academy.
Just ’cause you do a little aside like that doesn’t mean we can’t hear you.
[Korvo and Terry] What?
Our campus is state-of-the-art,
with amenities both modern and inspired by nature,
like our freshwater stream.
[Solars oohing]
Our 250-year-old Wisdom Tree.
[Solars ahhing]
Oh, my God, these book nooks are so adorable,
my zovaries are bursting!
Do you see this? All the kids in a line,
doing the same thing, none of them acting weird.
Pupa needs this.
Our Pupa will attend this school.
I’m afraid it’s a rigorous process
to get one’s child admitted, and unfortunately,
the deadline was yesterday.
I feel like you could have told us that before you took us on this tour
and got our mounds all juiced up, you know?
We could always put your child on our “interest list.”
Oh, we are interested.
Put us on the bloody list!
Yeah, that’s a W for La Familia Solaropposita!
Hey, uh, guess what, hot Alexes?
We’re gonna be hanging out a lot more.
Our Pupa just got on the interest list.
[both laughing]
Oh, bless your little hearts.
The interest list is a lie.
It’s what they put people on when they’re never getting in.
Well, that can’t be right. It’s a list!
We already declared this a W. We can’t undeclare a W.
You can’t just waltz in and get admitted to Burberry.
I mean, are you the son of anyone?
Not technically, but I was replicated
off a much larger Shlorpian named Rin Tin Torvo.
Well, if your last name isn’t Jolie-Pitt
or Knowles-Carter-Beckham,
you’re gonna be on that interest list indefinitely.
And if your kid doesn’t go to Burberry, what’s the point of even living?
Ah, she’s right.
Stop it, Terry.
We can solve this with sci-fi.
Burberry doesn’t want us, fine.
We’ll start our own crazy alien school.
We’ll make it better and fancier than Burberry,
and all these snooty fucks will want to get their kids in.
They’ll be so jealous.
Oh, yas, yas, yas! Get out of my head!
And Yum and I can be the teachers!
I was kinda hoping I could just sit this one out
and watch ramen-slurping ASMR videos?
No, we’re doing this together so we don’t get a note
that we split up too much.
Ugh, fine, you’re such a Karen!
Shut up, I am not.
AISHA, do we have any sci-fi way to make an elitist school?
[AISHA] Uh, yeah, I guess you could use
the emergency Shlorpian training protocols for that,
but they’re kinda intense.
Alright, I didn’t ask for your Yelp review.
Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Here we go, let me just grab the sci-fi school maker,
change some of this baseline code,
add some cool shit from that other school,
and dah-dah-dah-dah-doo, we are done.
[door whirs]
♪
Are you sure Glen will be okay with us building a school in his house?
Like I care. Run!
[energy whirring]
[lasers pulsing]
[Solars oohing]
Schwing!
[recruits grunting]
[mud splatters]
Good work, Charger, you’re crushin’ it.
I’m sorta hyped out.
Do you wanna grab lunch?
[bullies laughing]
Yo, Dodge, you gotta get in on this bullying.
This turd’s gonna have to spend a fortune on therapy.
[bullies grunting]
[recruit whimpering]
Can you believe they let a filthy Holo sign up for Silver training?
[bullies laughing]
[♪ tender music playing]
What’s your damage, Charger? You suck Holo butt?
Shut the fuck up, Zobert. Don’t make me kick your ass.
[Zobert groaning]
Dirty trick, I should kill you right now!
But I have to take a shit, and you know I need company
so we can gossip while I dump one out.
That’s why I’m leaving. And not because I’m scared.
Come on, boys.
Oh, thank you.
Those guys are assholes.
Name’s Dodge.
Wow, what a cool name.
It doesn’t sound made up at all.
I’m Tomblr.
Also a cool real name.
Hey, just stay away from those dudes and keep your head down.
You’ll be fine.
I’m just so nervous.
It gets easier, just focus on training. Final Trial’s coming up.
[♪ ominous music playing]
Check out Silver Mountain, where Final Trial happens.
It’s also got some berry bushes that grow on the south face.
They’re delicious on pancakes.
But mostly it’s for the trial.
Mr. Korvo’s Academy is the best preschool
in all four corners of David Attenborough’s planet Earth.
We have cutting-edge equine classes.
…Seabiscuit was sired by Man of War and Jizz Nugget.
STEM classes.
[portal whirring]
Watch out for those black holes, you little idiots.
Our book nooks really make storytelling come to life.
Come on, Jesus, I have to get you to the Pentagon.
I don’t think we have time, Dr. Robert Langdon.
I’m losing a lot of blood.
No, you’re not dying for a third time, not on my watch.
And this is our Giving Tree.
May I have an apple, please?
Goddammit, I said an apple! Give me an apple,
or I’ll cut your ass down and then take them myself.
[apple thuds]
[Korvo groans]
And the last stop on our tour, the Office of Admissions.
Okay, get your applications here.
One per student, please, and grammar only counts if it’s Kelsey.
Hello, Terry, Korvo.
We’re so, so thankful that you’re considering little Alex.
As trap king of admissions, you don’t have to worry.
There’s no interest list here.
KorKor, all these sexy parents are drooling over us
like we’re 3D-printed meat.
Is this the best idea we’ve ever had?
There was that one time we did needle drugs
with the Charmin Bears, but otherwise, yes!
And for the first time ever, no weird sci-fi side effects.
Suck it, consequences!
[both laughing]
[bullies laughing]
[whistle trilling]
This obstacle course will test your skill,
your strength, and your grit.
Hit ’em with the headlines!
If you don’t finish in five minutes, you wash out
and are disqualified from the Final Trial.
That’s stakes, baby.
And your time… starts now!
[Dodge grunting]
[♪ action music playing]
[Tomblr panting]
You got this, Tomblr, move it!
What are you, fucking climbing experts? Come on!
[Tomblr grunting]
Oh, no, a little beam, it’s so narrow!
[whimpering]
[flames whooshing]
[Tomblr yelps]
Steady. Steady!
I know you said I got this, but I don’t think I do.
Just one round to go.
[flames whooshing]
♪
[Dodge grunting]
This is where we catch up.
I can’t. I can’t.
[Dodge] Hurry, man, you can do this!
[water rushing]
Do you trust me?
I think so?
Then drop down!
But we’ll wash out.
Trust me!
No!
[water splashing]
It worked!
First, but how?
I realized the current was the quickest way to get to the finish line.
There tweren’t any rules against it.
[Zobert grunting]
That’s zarg shit! They cheated!
They used their heads. You might wanna try it sometime.
Go off, pimp!
Woo-hoo-hoo!
We did it!
We bent the rules to our advantage!
We did it, bro, yeah!
Woo-hoo-hoo!
[both cheering]
[♪ gentle music playing]
You know, I didn’t think I’d bond with anyone out here,
since I’m a Holo.
Had some friends who were Holos,
and the way the Silvercops treated ’em?
Not cool.
Well, growing up Holo,
Silvercops always treated me like shit.
Saw my dad get beat up for no reason so many times.
One time, I saw him cry because they made him eat
so many seeds that he shit his pants.
I hate ’em.
So why enlist? You trying to get back at them?
I want to change the force from the inside.
Revenge is worthless when you can effect real change.
Change over revenge, totally.
And you can always tell a star coming from the Milky Bone Galaxy
because it smells like crickets and Aubrey Plaza’s dry shampoo.
[kids moaning]
Um, Jesse, are human eyes supposed to glow with milky power?
Eh, it’s probably from watching too many boat show fistfight videos
on the Public Freakout subreddit.
Okay, class, which constellation smells
like Jessica Simpson’s edible body wash?
[class in unison] Trycloponz.
Correct. See, they’re fine.
[class in unison] We pledge allegiance to Shlorp’s grey god
and humbly protect our station.
We protect the Pupa, terraform,
and annihilate the population.
[Yumyulack gasps]
No!
Stop it! Shut up, shut up, kids!
No! No, no.
Did you teach them that?
No,
I’ve never heard that pledge in my whole life!
[bell chimes]
Everybody sit down now, class is still in session.
[class in unison] Kill the threats, take over now.
This is no bueno. We gotta tell Terry and Korvo.
Yeah, right after my smoke break.
[class in unison] Kill the threats, take over now.
Okay, let’s go!
[Sgt. Argent] Recruits, hut!
[Hype Man] I don’t see y’all huttin’!
This is it, the Final Trial.
Only the fastest, toughest, smartest recruits
will be victorious and move on to becoming Silvercops.
Losers go home to their mamas.
I love my mama!
If you can’t handle the heat,
your armor has a tap-out button.
But be warned, once you tap it, you’re washed out.
Good luck, future sons of silver.
[buzzer]
[recruits panting]
Hold on there, son.
But the trial!
Listen to the man.
We’ve been watchin’ you, kid.
Dominatin’ practices, crushin’ the competition.
You got what it takes to be a Silvercop.
You don’t have to do the Final Trial.
Trial’s bullshit, anyway.
Bullshit, what do you mean?
Nobody here ends up a Silvercop.
They’re too lowborn.
Nah, we get our real recruits from the Silver Academy.
That’s the truth!
But why all this, then?
We gotta get our Silver Grunts somewhere.
Grunt life!
What’s a Silver Grunt?
Food for powder, son.
That means cannon fodder.
The Silvercops keep the galaxy safe,
but some planets just don’t see it like that,
so their population’s got to be pacified.
Bloody, gruesome fights with a huge death toll.
Well, we aren’t gonna waste Silvercops on that.
So, we throw in the Grunts.
They gonna die.
Jesus, okay, my friend’s in the Final Trials right now.
He can’t be a Grunt. I have to bring him with me.
[both laugh]
There’s nothin’ you can do.
Facts!
Yes, there is.
Whoa, kid, get back here!
Don’t throw your life away!
No one turns their backs on us!
[machinery rumbling]
[recruits screaming]
[lasers whirring]
[♪ tense music playing]
[Dodge panting]
[blades whooshing]
Get me outta here!
[recruit yelling]
Tomblr?
Tomblr, where are you?
God, I love being a smug academic.
Ooh, I think I’m gonna give myself tenure.
Yeah, I was built for more of a widow of a disgraced FIFA executive,
but this is pretty cool too.
[glasses clink]
[kids snarl]
[both yelp]
What the hell are you teaching these kids?
Just the normal stuff,
and then they started attacking the parents.
Do we know what the cafeteria is serving today?
Is it nuggets?
Terry, focus.
These kids can’t be dragging away parents on campus.
People will stop respecting us.
[♪ dramatic music playing]
[gasps] Mother of Moby!
Those are Shlorpian soul harvesters.
Wait, souls exist?
What about God and the devil and all that?
They exist too, but they’re all aliens,
and I don’t have time to explain how they mind-controlled ancient humans
into being their fuck buddies.
Point is, those harvesters suck out life energy
and convert them into Shlorpian energy,
which is really just a different color energy.
[parents wailing]
[all gasping]
AISHA, we fucked up!
All the kids are turning their parents into puddles of ooze!
[AISHA] I tried to tell you dummies.
Those protocols are supposed to be for emergency use only!
But all those hot parents were an emergency.
I couldn’t stop schwinging, Terry gotta schwing!
[AISHA] It’s not for that kind of emergency.
It’s more like if you’re being attacked and you need an army to protect the Pupa.
Ah, shit, we turned all those kids into Universal Soldiers?
[AISHA] If y’all don’t stop this now, those entitled-ass children
are gonna take over the whole world.
Ah, why did we have to care so much about those sexy parents?
Terry, replicants one and three, I have to come clean.
I know I said I founded this school
because I wanted to be cool and hang with hot parents,
but that was a lie.
[all gasp]
I don’t care about the parents.
I actually wanted the Pupa to have a good education.
But usually you’re just as shallow as me. What happened, babe?
When I was a young replicant, I was a narc-y little bitch
who everyone hated, because I was stupid and lame.
It took me years of reading and educating myself to realize
what a loser, asshole, shitbag I was.
I wanted better for the Pupa.
Oh, Korvo, it wasn’t school.
Everyone’s a stupid little shitbag when they’re kids.
Really?
Uh-huh,
and if you’re not a shitbag, well, then you’re a cumstain.
Or an asswad.
That’s right.
Fuck that school. Pupa doesn’t need it.
He’ll grow out of being a piss-bubble when he’s good and ready.
That does make me feel better.
Even so, I still think we should stop those kids,
or we’ll have to go to so many funerals.
I cannot put on more Shiva weight, let’s go.
Look out for those kids!
[kids snarling]
[Solars shouting]
We have to reset the school!
Blegh, their little hands are so sticky!
[kids hissing]
[Tomblr grunting]
Tomblr!
We’re doing good, Dodge, just a little further.
We gotta tap out.
What are you talkin’ about?
All of this, it’s bullshit. Huh!
They won’t let us become Silvercops.
No way, come on, it’s right there!
They lied to us, they’re not gonna make you a Silvercop.
I see how it is. I thought we were friends,
but I guess you hate Holos just like everybody else.
I swear, I’m trying to help you.
Then you tap out!
I’m gonna fix the Silvercops from the inside,
and nobody’s gonna stop me!
Listen to me, do not cross that finish line,
it’s a death trap!
Tomblr!
[♪ dramatic music playing]
Tomblr!
I didn’t get this far listening to people
who told me not to try!
[Tomblr yelps]
[♪ dramatic music continues]
Agh! Crappity, crap, crap, crap!
[buzzer]
Congratulations, recruits.
You finished the Final Trial.
Your transport leaves now.
Get ’em, boys!
You fucked up, son.
That you did.
[♪ somber music playing]
Tomblr?
Don’t talk to me!
You were just trying to get my spot.
I came here to protect you. We have to stick together.
You can’t stop lying, huh?
When we’re Silvercops, do me a favor and forget you know me.
Attention!
Hell yes!
Silvercops, here I come!
[Commander] Your training is over.
From here on out,
your asses belong to the Silver Army,
you Silver Grunts.
[door slams]
[recruits gasping]
What?
Your first mission is clearing out the scourge on Zab 9.
They’re a terrifying force, but we will crush them!
[computer beeping]
[spaceship whooshes]
[♪ ominous music playing]
It was an honor being an edgy, offbeat,
FX-adjacent family with you all.
[door slams]
[Jesse gasps]
[Terry] The Alexes. Schwing!
[♪ intense music playing]
[kids snarling]
[Kicks thudding]
Ha, ha, an eleventh-hour Lord of the Rings pirate ghost-style save!
What the hell is going on here?
We just came to get some batteries from the Giving Tree.
Uh, too much to explain but if we activate this sci-fi school-maker, it’ll undo everything we’ve done to these kids.
Well, hold on a second.
If we do that, they’ll still get to keep their superintelligence, right?
What? No, all the sci-fi schooling effects will go with the crazies.
A small price to pay to keep them from taking over the planet.
Yeah, I mean, I love this planet,
I was born here, I get it, but their test scores are just so good.
We need to keep the smarts.
Our daughter’s been pre-pre-accepted into Harvard.
But they’ve been turned into soulless murder machines.
Yes, but isn’t that what it takes to get the best internships these days?
Yeah, it feels like a life skill to me.
Let’s put it to a vote.
All of those in favor of keeping the school, say aye.
Aye.
Aye.
[parent] Aye.
Ah, come on!
You piss flaps are gonna destroy yourselves and the planets.
We need to deprogram these kids.
Yeah, we’re gonna have to ask you to leave.
You’re no longer the right fit for our school.
This is a Shlorpian training center!
Thanks for your input, buh-bye.
You smug assholes, you have no idea what you’re doing.
Without Korvo, you’ll all be dead in a week.
[door slams]
[♪ horror music sting]
Huh, I was sure these kids would take over the world, but they seem to be doing fine.
What happened to all the child soldiers?
We realized we could keep your Shlorpian education system if we balanced out the aggression with beta hobbies, like rollerblading and urban beekeeping.
They’re too lame to be Universal Soldiers, but the superintelligence stays.
Noice.
Alright, fine.
The Pupa can attend school here again.
See, the thing is, we’re at capacity, but we can put you on the interest list.
Right, that’s it, you yuppy piece of shit. I’m blasting you to ash.
Excuse my husband. He gets heated about alien stuff.
There has to be something that knocks those Alexes down a peg.
Just forget it, you’d have to change the entire way education works on this planet.
Let’s just chug some hard seltzers and take the helicopter out for a spin.
[reporter on TV] And this just in, thanks to a record-breaking donation of gold and diamonds from an alien, the entire planet now has free universal pre-K.
No school is exclusive anymore.
This is a disgrace!
We’re good-looking rich people.
You can’t do that to us!
Korvo, holy shit, did you see the news about some alien creating free universal education for everyone?
That wasn’t you, was it?
I’ll never tell.
The fuck, is that a camera?
[♪ dramatic theme playing]
♪
[mimicking laser fire]
