Original air date: January 10, 2021
Jesus Christ! What do you want? Man, I’ve had, like, two hours of sleep in the last six months. You want me to tell you what happened last week on Shameless? I don’t even remember my own name, for Christ’s sake. Get out of here.
[The High Strung The Luck You Got (Shameless Theme Song) playing]
♫ Think of all the luck you got ♫
♫ Know that it’s not for naught ♫
♫ You were beaming once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫
♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫
♫ Round up the friends you got ♫
♫ Know that they’re not for naught ♫
♫ You were willing once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫
♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫
[person] Hey, come on!
[death metal music blaring on stereo]
Hey, look. Our new neighbors came to welcome us, even my pansy former son and his stink-dick boyfriend.
I guess the city must’ve made good on their threat to condemn our old house. That or the meth lab caught fire again.
Well, what are they doing here, though?
Terry’s been banging the lady who owns this place for a couple of years. Calls it his plan B.
Mrs. McCurdy? She’s, like, 90.
Gotta do what you gotta do, man.
What’s that smell?
[Frank] That’s the stench of abject poverty, son. Sickening, isn’t it?
Actually, I think it might be those chickens.
[Mickey] Oh, no, those ain’t chickens.
Those are cocks. Like, for cockfighting?
They like it. If they don’t die. It’s natural for ’em. You know, it’s fun.
We have to move. I don’t wanna be the reason for the next Black Lives Matter march. I’ll get Trayvon Martin-ed for sure if we stay here.
[Ian] Why’s he shooting random shit?
[laughs] Aw… He’s playing “I Spy, You Shoot.”
“I Spy, You Shoot”?
It’s a kids’ game. Yeah, kid says, “I spy with my little eye that red stop sign,” or whatever, and then the adult… shoots the stop sign. Get off your fucking high horses. Anybody here feel like they’re the product of good parenting, raise your hand.
Okay, I don’t have time for this shit. I gotta get Franny ready. Where is Franny?
[Terry] Fuck it, just dump the used motor oil in the yard.
[Carl] So I was thinking we could go check out that street racing club at the abandoned over on Fulton. Maybe get into a high-speed car chase. Ooh, maybe we could stake out the First Federal, stop a bank robbery in progress. Or we can infiltrate the Mafia, take down the Bajio Family from the inside.
Or we down a couple of these bad boys, do all of the above. Hey. You know, I’m starting to like you, Gallagher. Most rooks can’t hang, but it’s like police work is sex and you’ve been poppin’ Viagra all day. You hard right now, aren’t you?
I’m very hard right now, ma’am. Fully erect for police work.
[dispatch] Got a 28-05 on Benson in front of the La Chiquita.
Twenty-eight-oh-five? What’s that? Assault? Human trafficking? Shots fired.
Hit it, Billie.
I did my hair.
Oh, my God! Again with the back splatter?
[scoffs] So, um… any interest in brunch?
Are we brunch people now?
An old teacher of mine invited us.
[grunts] You’re friends with an old teacher?
Uh, Mr. Hanisian. He just moved back from St. Louis.
I don’t know. Wasting the rest of the morning eating pastries with some old dude who taught you, what, pre-algebra? History? Creative writing?
Oh. Great, maybe he can teach us how to play “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder.
So is that a no?
Brunch is a scam. You know that, right? Marketers literally just made up a fourth meal, and we’re all supposed to go along with it?
Okay. Well, he really wanted to meet you, but I’ll just tell him that you’re too big of an asshole to come.
♫ Everything you wanted ♫
♫ I gave you it… ♫
Well, that must be our perp.
[Carl] The loosie lady?
[Leesie] Know her?
Yeah, she been selling squares out here forever. Is that illegal?
Gotta have a license. Look like she has a license to you?
Hey there, Officer. Something I can get you? I got menthol and regular.
Oh, we’re not buying. Uh, we just–
Gallagher. Any relation to Lip? Yeah, he’s my brother.
[laughs] He used to be my best customer. I haven’t seen that handsome face in a month of Sundays. Did he get busted again?
No, he actually had a baby.
Ugh! Them newborn babies is bad for business.
So look, unfortunately–
Y’all still live over there by the Washingtons?
You know the Washingtons?
Ooh, yeah, we used to–
[over loudspeaker] Fucking move your ass! I catch you selling out here again, I’m busting your ass, and I’m taking you in.
Okay! Miss June respects the police. Yes, she does. All lives matter. Blue lives. Them blue lives matter. Especially them blue lives.
I was doing it.
Could’ve fooled me.
[Harley Quinn on TV] It’s me, dickhead. Uh, by the way…
Hey, what you doin’ today?
[Joker on TV] “It’s me, dickhead,” or just “me, dickhead”?
I’m just trying to find the strength to get off the couch and search for another minimum-wage, dead-end, soul-crushing job to appease my parole officer.
Yeah, well… what if I offer you a job?
As what, getaway car driver?
Come on, weed money security for the Alibi. It’s your lucky day, bitch.
Yeah, thanks but no, thanks.
Fuck you. Why not?
I’m not doing anything illegal.
Weed’s legal now. Look, stop eating your weight in Froot Loops. Go get dressed. Go on.
I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to work together.
Oh. Oh, oh. Well, let’s get this shit straight, then, ’cause it’s not “workin’ together.” You’re workin’ for me, all right? I’m the boss.
[Frank] First comes crime, then drugs. Then they impregnate our women, take over our schools, drain and defraud our public safety nets, and finally, the introduction of some rare, communicable diseases which they brought from whatever exotic or savage place they originally came from.
Weren’t they living, like, five minutes from here?
That’s beside the point. Our pure immune systems can’t handle a Milkovich virus this close. It’s like living right next door to a nuclear waste dump. Sooner or later, the radiation’s gonna get ya. This only ends with death.
We’re gonna die? For real?
Odds just shot up considerably.
So we should move. That’s still my vote: move.
We don’t cut and run. That’s not the Gallagher way. We have a history to defend here. A culture. A community. No, we gotta figure out how to stop them before their slimy poverty tentacles unfurl and devour everything on this block.
[Terry] What are you starin’ at, Gallagher?
Uh, just watching the neighborhood go to shit in real time.
We’re the reason the neighborhood’s goin’ to shit? You were here first. What makes the Gallaghers so much better than the Milkoviches?
You mean other than, uh, daily showers and the lack of swastikas? It’s a long list, Terry. We’ll be here all day.
You think you’re better’n me?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I am. We’re all better than you.
The only thing you’re better than is the blacks and the Mexicans and the Jews. Otherwise, you’re a grade-F lowlife like the rest of us.
Take that back.
I said take that back.
Why don’t you come over here and make me?
You’re lucky my son’s here, Terry. ‘Cause if I wasn’t trying to set a positive example for him…
[Terry] Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Baaaawk, bawk, bawk. [chuckles]
[Drumming Bird’s “Second Best” playing]
♫ Don’t harass me if I’m here on time ♫
♫ Another day on the assembly line… ♫
Fuck you do to that kid?
She did it herself. Thought superglue was hair gel.
[laughs] Kids are idiots. No offense, Franny.
[Debbie] Her head size? Uh, small? Extra-small. She just turned five, so whatever your smallest– Okay. No problem.
Literally nobody carries wigs for kids.
How ’bout you just let her compete with her new do? This stuff ain’t comin’ out, and she actually looks kind of punk rock.
[Mickey] No way. That shit looks terrible.
Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. I mean, how am I gonna stand a chance with the judges if even Mickey can see that my kid looks like a… walking, talking dumpster fire? No offense, Franny.
You’re both conditioned to think girls have to look, like, one way. Why does Franny have to conform? You’re just piling your princess complex on her ’cause of your own childhood. Break the cycle. I am totally committed to tearing down false ideals of feminine beauty… after Franny wins Little Miss South Side.
[Mickey] You guys should check out the, uh, children’s hospital. They got all the cancer kids with the bald heads. I mean, they gotta have wigs over there so they don’t scare the other kids when they go home. If they go home.
That’s a great idea, Mickey.
I’m declaring a Gallagher war. Debbie, can I count on you?
Shh. On the phone.
[Sandy] A war on what?
A war to rid this community of the Milkovich scourge.
Uh, you realize I’m a Milkovich, right?
Yeah, me too.
Oh. Well, some Southerners fought with the North against slavery. You can join our cause if your heart is true.
Yeah, you’re not gonna win. Milkoviches are an invasive species. We don’t die. We multiply.
Come on, you’re making our family sound way worse than they actually are.
Didn’t your dad try to kill you?
Whatever. Look, the point is, I’m not just gonna sit here and let you shit-talk my family.
If you’re content to fall on the wrong side of history, suit yourself. Just know that you will be judged harshly for years to come.
Saint Brigid’s gift shop carries a whole line of kids’ wigs. If we leave right now, we can make it in time for Little Miss South Side. Eee!
[Lip] Mm, you see this? Two eggs and toast for 14 bucks?
It’s a total scam.
Oh, there he is!
Ah! There she is.
[Marcos] Oh, my gosh.
Wow. And this must be the lucky fella.
Hey, yeah, the famous Mr., uh, Hanisian, right? I’m, uh, Lip.
Jesus! “Mr. Hanisian”? Please. It’s Marcos. I haven’t been Tam-Tam’s teacher for a very long time.
Yes. It’s a long story, but it has something to do with the tragic fate of a–
The drum! Oh, my God. [laughing] The drum! I totally forgot about that, but…
My gosh. Oh, my fiancée sends her regards. She was gonna join us, but she got this call for a last-second interview.
Thank you. Oh, I made the reservation. Let me just go tell ’em we’re only three.
[Tami sighs, giggles]
Oh, what are you doin’?
Cleaning my gun.
Gotta transport cash for the Alibi.
I thought you said this job was legal.
Is the gun even registered?
[laughing] Of course not.
You’re a convicted felon. Are you allowed to have a gun at all?
That’s why it’s not registered, dumbass.
Yeah, so weed might be legal, but carrying a gun as a convicted felon is about as illegal as it gets. What happens if you get arrested, get sent back to prison?
Look, I’m doin’ security. Need a gun.
Do you have anything resembling an imagination in that fucking skull of yours?
No. I like facts. Things that are real. Shit I can hold.
[cartridge clicks, gun cocking]
Like a gun.
Kev, where’s Amy? Can’t be late!
She doesn’t wanna go.
What? She’s goin’! I’m sorry you didn’t make the cut for the contest and Gemma did. I know how bad you wanna be standing beside her, competing for the title, but it’s a cold world, baby girl, and it ain’t gettin’ much warmer, so fix your face, put your mask up, and get ready to cheer for your sister.
[Frank] We got a problem!
[Kev] Jesus, Frank!
[Veronica] Where’s your mask?
You can’t just walk into our house.
It’s an emergency!
Our community has been infiltrated by undesirables.
[Frank] We gotta ban together and figure out a way to drive them back to the vermin-infested hellhole they crawled out of.
[Veronica] I will make them a pie. It’s the best way to win over problem neighbors, the good, old-fashioned way. Kev, I gotta go.
[Kev] You know, Frank, the Milkoviches might be awful, but living next to them can’t be much worse than living next to you.
[soft rock music]
Oh, hell no. Handle this.
I’m on it.
Take it easy, Paul Bunyan. Chop you down to size real quick.
How do we get rid of these fuckers?
I-I don’t know.
Still poutin’ over that loosie lady stop?
No. I’m good.
Could’ve just shot her. You know that, right? Would’ve been way quicker.
Or you could’ve just gave the woman a break.
That ain’t no woman. Don’t you recognize big-dick energy when you see it? Look, we are cops. We stop crime, period. Fuck all this community policing shit. We bust heads. We arrest people. That is our job. Plus, all that jaw-jackin’ you were doin’ with that lady, you let your guard down. That’s exactly what some of these mopes want. Get you comfortable, get familiar, get close, then they take out a blade and they slice you. Seen it a thousand times.
I don’t think the loosie lady would try to cut me.
[laughs] Oh! You think that she’s made it out here on these streets for this long without cuttin’ somebody? Shi-i-it. I got a bridge to sell you. You’ll see.
[Debbie] Eventually, we’re gonna have to do something about your relatives living next door. I can’t even park my truck outside anymore.
Oh, yeah, that’s a smart move. My cousins will break into it for sure. I mean, there is one silver lining, though.
[Sandy chuckles] What’s that?
[Debbie] Well, you know, now you and I live right next to each other. Hmm?
Um… I mean, I don’t live with them anymore.
You don’t? Then where do you live?
Hey! [gasps] Oh, my gosh. Look at you, Gemma. Don’t you look pretty? Where you guys headed?
Little Miss South Side.
Oh! Franny’s a finalist in Little Miss South Side.
[laughs] You’re kidding.
I-I didn’t know you entered.
I didn’t know you entered either.
♫ It’s getting hot in here… ♫
The more, the merrier, right?
A little friendly competition never hurt anyone.
Exactly. This’ll be fun.
So much fun.
This’ll be so much fun.
♫ Welcome to the lion’s den ♫
You want me to replace my gun with this shit?
No, look. All you need is your reputation as a Milkovich and a little help looking the part, and no one will fuck with you.
Uh-huh. Job’s gonna be fuckin’ sweet, man. I get to transport drugs and money legally. Sky’s the limit, bitch.
Hey, thought you’d be happy, man. I can get us a new place. Gotta move out of your house now that my fuckin’ dad moved next door.
Oh, so you admit having the Milkoviches next door is a problem.
Fuck yeah. We’re loud, violent, racist homophobes with serious hygiene issues. My dad tried to fuckin’ kill us. I just didn’t wanna say that in front of your family ’cause…fuck ’em. Gallaghers are only, like, one small step above Milkoviches on, like, the shitty family ladder.
Jesus. You want me to play fuckin’ dress-up G.I. Joe?
Look the part. Everyone will think you’re some sort of special forces military badass or somethin’.
Yeah, I’m not wearin’ that shit unless you’re wearin’ it with me.
Okay, good. Take my chances with my regular clothes and my real fuckin’ gun. Easier like that anyway.
Mick. [sighs] Wait.
[Leesie] See? What’d I say? No dead cop. Freeze! Police!
White Boy Carl?
[laughs] That’s when all the altos became the “alt-nos”!
[Tami] Oh, my God! You’re still funny.
[Marcos] Aw. And you still do that thing where you crinkle your nose and snort.
Nature calls. I’ll be right back.
So…what do you think?
What do I think? I think, um… I think he definitely has a… has a thing for you, right?
I mean, yeah, I’m-I’m gettin’ this vibe that… I don’t know, it’s weird, but he’s… he’s crushin’ on you. You-you don’t see it?
Nope. I mean… not really.
♫ Don’t mean I’m not worth the heat ♫
♫ You’re passing into section ♫
♫ Cost collection of regression… ♫
[Leesie] Okay, some for you. and some more for you, and just enough to count as a felony for you.
Come on, man. This some bullshit.
[Carl] Hey, Leesie.
Can I talk to you for a second?
♫ Down low, baby ♫
What are you doing?
Not all of them were sorting pills. Some of them were just sitting there.
So what are you suggesting?
Let a few of ’em walk. Like Solo. He’s actually a good dude.
He’s a drug dealer.
There’s always gonna be a drug dealer on this block. Solo’s our best option. Come on. He sponsors a kids’ basketball team, gives out turkeys on Thanksgiving. You know who’s gonna replace his spot if he gets locked up? The cartel. They cut heads off. You wanna be back here in two weeks matching heads with bodies?
Okay, we need at least two. You pick. I’ma take these pills back to the car, log ’em in as evidence.
Wait, which two?
I don’t give a shit.
Let’s spitball. Rapid fire. What do you got? No wrong answers.
How ’bout we all just move?
Wrong answer. Not an option. Oh! How ’bout we just pay someone to burn down their house?
You know how close our houses are to theirs? Might as well just set ourselves on fire and cut out the middleman. Is there any value in letting loose a bedbug and-and lice infestation?
Bedbugs and lice will just spend a week training at the Milkoviches’, Learning, evolving, getting strong and shit. Then they’ll attack our houses with maxed-out abilities. We won’t stand a chance.
[Liam] Here’s an idea. We find a new house, pack up all our stuff, and take that stuff to the new house and live there forever, away from the racists.
Maybe we’re going about this all wrong. This is exactly the-the low-rent line of thinking we’re trying to protect this neighborhood from. We need classy solutions. What would a well-established, civilized homeowner do?
How should I know?
Start a neighborhood watch. A homeowner’s association.
[Kev] Oh, Frank, that’ll take weeks to set up. We need them out ASAP, preferably by the time V gets back. We need to go right at ’em. Match their aggression, their crazy. Scare the shit out of ’em the same way they scare us.
Fear and intimidation’s probably the only way.
Fear? Intimidation? Who’s gonna scare the Milkoviches–us?
Not us, son. But I know who will.
What’s goin’ on here?
[Debbie] Oh, this? Just wanted to freshen up Franny’s look.
And this is the look you think screams Little Miss South Side?
Yeah, sure is.
I never thought I’d live in the fancy part of town, but the older I get, the more I appreciate space, quiet. So when we decided to move back, Near North just made sense.
Uh, do you rent or own?
[Marcos] Own. It’s-it’s the only way to go.
So I hear.
[Marcos] I’m actually somewhat of a… real estate enthusiast, you know? Buy, sell, fix ’em, flip ’em. Nothing huge, but if I see the potential, I’m willing to make that investment, you know? Rolling up my sleeves and… getting to work.
Oh, Lip’s been doing all the renovations at our place. It was basically a tear-down, but now…looks pretty great.
[Marcos] Good for you, Lip. Love to check it out sometime.
Yeah, sure, yeah, come by anytime.
Oh, uh, I bet Tam-Tam remembers that first house I owned, that two-bedroom fixer-upper?
Yes. Yeah, it was cute.
Sorry, wait, so you went to his house when you were a student and he was a teacher?
[Marcos] Mm-hmm. She was over all the time. It was a different era, okay? People weren’t so uptight back then.
It was 2010.
How ’bout that, uh, little studio I built in the basement?
Oh, yes! What was that song we recorded?
♫ My heart can be ♫
♫ [both] Such a stranger to me ♫
♫ We come and we go ♫
♫ The only way we know how ♫
♫ If love’s a fortune-teller ♫
♫ We belong together ♫
♫ ‘Cause I can’t ♫
♫ Lose you now ♫
♫ No, I can’t ♫
♫ Lose you ♫
♫ You can’t help the one you love ♫
♫ The one you love is the one you love, so… ♫
So you not gonna arrest me?
No, but for this to work, you gotta tell me which two of your boys go in your place.
[Solo] Uh, word. [exhales] A’ight, let me think, uh… you can take Cam. He owe me money.
How’s he gonna pay you back if he’s in prison, though?
Good point. Leave him. You can take him. Yeah, he was supposed to borrow his mom’s AC unit, but he forgot; that’s part of the reason why we outside and not in the house in the first place.
All right, who else?
[Solo sucks teeth, sighs] Mm… [clicking tongue] …Twist. Yeah, you can take Twist. He talk too much.
Well, think he’s a snitch?
Nah, not like that. No, he just talk a lot. Mainly about, you know, the TV and shit he watches. He really into all of that British shit. You know, like Downton Abbey, The Crown.
I don’t know, man.
You want the Milkoviches gone fast, these are the guys to do it.
[Kev] I don’t think these guys are gonna help us, considering how white we are.
[Liam] I’m right here.
Frank, if you were any more white, you’d be clear.
I shared a cell with the head guy back in the ’90s. I speak the lingo. I understand their ideology. I’m practically an honorary member. Come on.
As-salaam alaikum. How are y’all? No need for pleasantries. We’ve got sort of a… neighborhood situation which might be of interest to you gents.
[Malik] Why would this interest us, the Lost Tribe of Shabazz, poor righteous teachers, the fruit of Islam?
Because they’re racist. I’m sure you don’t want racists here.
So you want us to, what, go over there, strike the fear of Allah into ’em, drive ’em out, use force if we have to?
Yeah, that. Exactly that. Go jihad if you have to. I’m glad we’re on the same page.
You know what this sounds like to me?
A perfect opportunity for us all to work together against a common enemy.
Sounds like a Yacubian devil problem, and we got no business joinin’ one devil in his fight against the other.
I’m sorry, um… I missed that first part. Yacubi what?
It means white people.
Oh, we’re the devil. Right, got it. Carry on.
If not for us… do it for him.
Little brother, is it true what this devil is saying about the more devilish devils next door? You scared?
We’ll do it but only to demonstrate the awesome power the Asiatic Black man possesses when we stand fearlessly against the wicked ways of those who would oppress us. Now, who are these devils we evictin’? What are their names?
Well, these particular devils go by the name of Milkovich.
[person clears throat]
You know, I forgot. [chuckles] I forgot we got a pray thing that we gotta do. We-we pray, like, five times a day. So we gon-we gonna do that. Good luck to you fellas. Peace and blessings.
Come on, Franny, the judges asked you what you like to do. What’d you tell me last week? You like to, uh, dress up like a princess. You–your doll house collection. Tell ’em about that.
Why don’t we just skip on to the talent portion?
Right, uh…come on, baby. Sing your song.
Sing your song, Franny.
[whispering] Don’t do this to me.
[door clicks open]
[Veronica] Scuse me. I just wanna remind the panel of esteemed judges about the strict time limit. Unfortunately, this contestant’s time has elapsed 98 seconds ago.
Oh, thank God. She’s right.
That is all!
[Ilene] Miss Gallagher, your time’s up.
Look, it’s SEAL Team Dicks.
Oh, no, they’re trying to infiltrate our breach from the rear.
[Kev] Jesus. A little overdressed, don’t you think?
Look, you want your money to be safe or not? Let’s get to it. What’s the job?
[Kev] Pretty straightforward. Just take the money to the grow house so we can get on the regular delivery list.
Grow house? I thought I was your supplier.
Supply and demand leveled out. Everyone’s got legal product again.
Well, for fuck’s sake, Kev.
[Mickey] All right. Chop-chop. Collect the money.
You collect the money.
I’m the boss, ‘member? [laughs] I just supervise and shit; you do all the work.
Uh, fuck you. I don’t work for you.
[Mickey] You’re making me look bad, asshole. All right, I got two of these in case you got too much cash to move.
All right. Turn around. Where I keep my money’s for my eyes only.
I’m serious! Turn around.
[whispering] Put your head down.
Okay. There ya go.
This is only, like, 1,500 bucks.
$1,653. Take that money, minus your cut, to the grow house. They’re waiting.
What are we gonna do about the Milkoviches?
We could go to the Nation of Islam for help. Those guys are–
We just did that, Frank, literally less than an hour ago.
I know that. Th-th-that’s-that’s not what I meant! I meant we could go back or we could get to Mrs. McCurdy, talk to her, try to convince her to evict them. Record her living conditions. It’s gotta be horrific in there now that the Milkoviches have moved in. There’s no way they’d let ’em stay there if there was proof of elder abuse.
There’s no way they’re gonna let you get near her. They got that place surrounded.
If we created a distraction, draw them to the front of the house, I could sneak in the back.
What gets white trash’s attention?
A Trans Am that needs fixin’?
A Black athlete disrespecting our flag.
A gun rally.
A Klan rally.
A monster truck rally. Well, any rally, really.
I think I know what might do the trick. Let me get my running shoes.
♫ I am just a fan of all your power and might ♫
♫ I know you can, you’re the man… ♫
♫ Well, let’s get goin’ ♫
♫ Let’s get goin’ ♫
♫ You got it ♫
♫ Let’s get goin’ ♫
♫ You got it ♫
All right, you haven’t said a word since brunch.
Well, that is because I’m pretty much speechless.
Oh, maybe ’cause you fucked your teacher in high school?
No, so-so you didn’t fuck your teacher.
It was a serious relationship. Okay, yeah, we slept together. But it was beautiful.
God, I knew it. You couldn’t have given me a heads-up before brunch?
No, because I figured you wouldn’t get it. Nobody gets it. Look, you’re already judging me.
You were a kid. That’s some pedophile shit!
I was mature for my age, and I went after him, so… You don’t know how it was between us. Okay, I wasn’t a child. He saw me for me. I saw him for him. That’s what made it beautiful.
I gotta go work on my bike.
What the hell was that in there?
Oh, just making sure the judges are abidin’ by their own rules. Nothing personal.
It sure feels personal. It feels like you’re trying to sabotage Franny.
When you’re used to privilege, equality feels like oppression.
Privilege? Me? I grew up worse off than you– with Frank!
Yeah, who ever heard of a little blonde girl getting special treatment? Scuse me. Amy has to go to the bathroom.
Maybe you should just drop it.
Fuck that. Hey, Franny, I have a great idea. Do you wanna help Gemma with her makeup? I think that you could make her look really pretty. Wanna do it?
V started it.
Oh, this lady sure does have a massive set of balls.
Well, hey there, Officer. Something I can get you?
What–ow! Are you– What is wrong with you? Get off of me! Hell is wrong with you? Oh, you crazy! Aah! Fucking get off of me! What are you do–
[Miss June] No! [grunts]
Well, fuck you, then, you raggedy old, dusty old, musty old, oink-oink, Porky Pig, Oscar Mayer bacon bitch! Fuck the police!
What did you just say to me?
You really expect me to repeat all that?
Bitch, I said strip! Lose the dress now. Wig too.
No, she gonna learn.
Wig! Come on, now! Let’s go to the car and get a Red Bull. I’m having a 2:30 in the afternoon sorta feeling, know what I’m saying?
[Miss June sobs]
[death metal music]
[Kev] Enough is enough! We won’t tolerate hate in this neighborhood.
[music blaring on stereo]
This is stupid.
You say stupid. I say necessary.
Hey, buddy. How ya doing? It’s Frank. Remember me? I’m– I mean, yeah, I live in the hood. You remember? Yeah, you know me!
Oh, yeah. [inhales] That one’s gotta hurt, huh? I got a whole stack of these. I’m thinkin’ about burning all of ’em.
I think we just spooked him. Come on.
Jesus! Okay! Okay! Ooh, ooh, easy, easy, easy, easy. Holy shit! Even their dog is racist. [laughing] How ’bout that? I think you gotta go in.
The Milkoviches have probably fantasized about finding some Black kid breaking into their house.
Every cause needs a martyr.
I-I’m the only one who can keep the dog quiet. If he keeps barking, we’re gonna get caught. I’m counting on you, son. We all are.
[Frank whispering] Easy.
[Kev] What are you gonna do? You gonna chase me, huh? Gonna try to stop me, beat me up?
Why would we do that?
I’m literally torching your entire belief system. It’s incredibly disrespectful.
I don’t know. It’s just paper, man.
[Joey] Yeah, symbols are just symbols. I mean, even that big old flag back there– it’s meaningless, really.
What are you talking about?
Real racism– it’s in our hearts, in our minds, in our souls. Can’t burn that, dude.
[muffled death metal music playing]
[cell phone dings]
Are you okay? Are you being held here against your will? [sighs] Have all these people moved into your house without your permission? Mrs. McCurdy, is there anything you can tell me about Terry Milkovich?
Terry Milkovich? I’ll tell you about Terry. He’s a beast.
[death metal music]
[Mikey] How was I supposed to know they didn’t have any money?
[Ian] Well, you should have checked how much we’d actually be transporting.
Well, it wouldn’t matter if you hadn’t made us buy this stupid-ass SWAT team shit.
Which wouldn’t fucking matter if you made half as much as you promised. “Oh, could be thousands, maybe millions. Be fucking billionaires by Tuesday.”
You know what? You’re fuckin’ fired.
You can’t fire somebody you never employed.
I was trying to help you out.
[Mickey] Holy shit!
Uh, hey, Tam, where’s my soap? You know, the grease pumice stuff.
Oh, I put it under the sink.
I want the nice shit out. We’re having company.
Yeah. Marcos and his fiancée.
Twice in one day? I mean, brunch was more than enough, don’t you think?
Well, you’re the one who invited him.
The fuck I did.
You said, “Come by anytime.” Well, he’s taking you up on your offer.
This is Kelly… my fiancée.
You okay, Eilish?
All right, well, good shift today, man. You’re really taking to this police shit. You gonna be a decent cop. Just clean out the car, go on home, get some rest… back at it again tomorrow. More heads to bust.
Before we make our final decision, we’d like to ask each of the mothers to explain what excites them most about the Little Miss South Side title.
We can start with you, Miss Gallagher.
Well…[exhales] …I think that Franny is most excited about becoming an ambassador for our community, showing the rest of the city what the South Side’s all about. Whether it’s, uh, going to a little league game or a parade or the grand opening of a new Arby’s, there’s no place that we won’t go.
[Veronica, muffled] Do you even go to those places?
I’m just saying, given your status, are you allowed to go to those events? Are you allowed to be here?
Uh…[chuckles nervously] …I got special permission.
I’m sorry, what status?
She’s a registered sex offender. Hot lesbian convict? That’s her.
Who you callin’ a bitch, bitch?
You, you drug-dealing bitch! She’s a drug dealer. She deals drugs.
[Veronica] I am a legal cannabis entrepreneur!
What, a Black woman can’t be…
Technically, I am a registered sex offender…
And look what she did to my daughter’s face.
[Debbie] I would never touch a child!
[Veronica] A broke-down little 1980s pageant little girl!
[Trisha] Okay, I guess this is enough to keep them back on our delivery schedule. Barely.
All right, thanks. I’ll let ’em know.
[Trisha] You guys new? Haven’t seen you around before. What are you guys… ex-military, Rangers, SEALs, Delta Force?
Uh, y-yeah, yeah. All that shit. I, uh…I-I just got back from, uh, mowin’ down terrorists overseas, you know? Took out a whole… village. Fuck those guys.
[Trisha laughs] Right on.
I could need another pro security firm on our roster. Business…is booming. We can’t keep up with all the pickups and deliveries.
Oh, I am your man, you know? Very professional. Extra professional.
Uh, how much are we gonna get paid? It’s gotta be worth our time.
Going rate is a grand a day.
That’s a little lower than what I’m used to, but, uh… we’ll make it work, ya know?
Uh, so, yeah, we still got a lot of work we wanna do in here. Um…maybe some under-cabinet LEDs. Uh, exhaust hood here, obviously.
Yeah, yeah, no, I like how you smoothed the grout… where you really should have used some quarter round. They didn’t have any quarter round available?
Well, shit’s expensive, so…
[Marcos] Yeah. But it’s worth it. When I was young like you,
I went for efficiency.
But eventually, I learned the value of quality. No rush. That’s the advantage of experience. You just take it nice and slow and get it all the way right.
Uh, Kelly, we weren’t sure we’d get the chance to meet you. Um, how did that job interview go?
Yeah, that’s where Marcos said you were today, right?
Admissions interview for school.
Oh! Uh, what-what schools you lookin’ at, Northwestern, Columbia, Loyola?
[giggles] Uh, Greenfield Prep. High school. I’m one semester short of graduating.
Uh, wait. So you were his student?
Uh…technically, I guess. But…he saw me for me. And I saw him for him, and… [sighs] …that’s what makes us so special.
[Ilene] Okay. After careful deliberation, we’d like to announce the winner.
[Veronica] Wait. Before you announce the winner, I never got a chance to say why my family is excited about this title. I grew up on the South Side. And I know what it would mean to the little Black girls who live here to see someone who looks like them wearing that tiara and sash. I know what it will mean to them to have someone who looks like my Gemma. The South Side doesn’t really feel like the South Side anymore, at least not in the way that I remember it. But that doesn’t mean we should stop trying to preserve what makes our community special. And it’s not just about race. It’s about pride. It’s about perseverance. It’s about working together to strive for the American dream, even though it feels a million miles away. I guess all I’m sayin’ is, Little Miss South Side should represent the South Side, not just in the way she looks but also in the way she can inspire. She should show little girls that you can still aim to be something and maybe those dreams… are just a little closer than you think they are.
If there are no more speeches.
…your new Little Miss South Side… from Aleppo, Syria, visiting Chicago for her spina bifida treatment, Amena Farah Uri Abbasi.
Terry Milkovich? I’ll tell you about Terry. He’s a beast. A beast in the sack. And I thank God every day that he came into my life. And then I ask God to avert his eyes, because what we do… it’s a sin. Have you ever heard of something called fisting, young man? That’s where Terry makes a fist and shoves it up my–
All right, all right, enough. We pissed off the Milkoviches, and we managed to make things worse.
Well, chin up, lad. We’ll be at it again tomorrow. What time should I come by so we can get started, 11?
[engine revving, rock music blaring over stereo]
[people shouting and cheering]
[scoffs] And they’re still comin’. How many more of these fuckers can they cram into that dump?
[people shouting and cheering]
Hey, neighbors! Ah. I hope you don’t mind our takin’ over the empty lot next door to ya. House was gettin’ crowded. But this works, right?
[Frank] Jesus, now we’re surrounded by Milkoviches.
Can you believe that little Syrian heifer stole our crown?
Ugh. I know. I mean, we’re from the South Side. What the hell has she been through?
I’m sorry, Debs.
Well, if you two are done kissing and making up, I sort of wanna…
Yeah, let’s get out of here.
…get the fuck out.
See ya, V.
[Veronica] Bye, girl.
Oh, I almost forgot.
[Jenkins] Miss Fisher.
I really enjoyed your speech.
Not enough to vote for my Gemma.
Look, between you, me, and the lamppost, this event is put on by the Chamber of Commerce. Their goal is to generate commerce. They see all these gentrifiers as a way of making more money. And that Syrian girl’s sob story appeals to millennials and bleeding hearts. The Chamber is a major contributor to my reelection campaign. Can’t bite the hand that feeds me, but… I could use you. Democratic Party of Chicago could use you. Someone with your passion, with your gift for persuasive speech… you’ve got talent.
[laughs lightly] I’d love to pick your brain sometime, get your opinion on local issues, see where there might be an opportunity to get you involved.
Okay, drive safe. Thanks again.
Yeah, appreciate you guys coming by. Again soon, okay?
Maybe we can get together–
What…the…fuck? I-I mean, what’s the matter with him? She’s, like, ten!
Seventeen, she said. Eighteen soon. Age ain’t nothin’ but a number, right?
It’s gotta be, what– it’s, what… daddy issues? [scoffs] I mean, I didn’t have daddy issues. I don’t have daddy issues. [scoffs] I mean, I love my dad, yeah, but in a completely normal, healthy way.
[scoffs] You think I have daddy issues.
You know what? Fuck off! I do not! Come on, you’ve been around my family. Yeah, we have our quirks, but we’re pretty normal. And sure, I guess, you know, when my mom died, we all got thrown for a loop. But that’s normal. And Cami, she took the reins and she went from being my big sister to de facto mom, and my dad, he stepped up and he put all of his attention on Cory ’cause she was the baby and she needed her dad. And that–you know, that left me… [sigh exasperatedly] [huffs] …in the middle…alone… desperate for attention. And that’s… right when I started dating Marcos. Oh, my God. I have daddy issues.
I thought I was… so smart and mature. But really, I was needy and daddy-starved and dumb. I mean, I got played by a pedophile. God, I am a fucking cliché. Ah. [sighs]
You’re not dumb.
All right? You were immature and vulnerable, and he took advantage of you. Now you’re smarter. You make great decisions, like choosing an age-appropriate, handsome stud like me.
[dog barking distantly]
[person shouts, glass shatters distantly]
I don’t want no smoke. Po-po, go away. Go away! Look, you can just leave me the hell alone, because I ain’t sellin’ shit.
[Somme’s “Goin’ On” playing]
♫ A little older, I don’t mind it ♫
♫ ‘Cause she’s got her shit together ♫
♫ Like nobody else I know ♫
♫ She’s pretty much a batter ♫
♫ But she’ll never let you call her that ♫
♫ She’s humble so I run from her, uh-huh
♫ Steady on the daily, no, she’s never acting shady… ♫
You wanna keep selling, gotta move east a little bit, over by the Five-Star Check Cashing. We don’t roll through there much.
♫ All that I need ♫
Thank you… Officer Gallagher.
♫ And everyone agrees ♫
♫ She’s got it goin’ on ♫
♫ She’s got it goin’ o-on ♫
♫ She can do no wrong ♫
♫ ‘Cause she’s got it goin’ on ♫
[REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling” playing over stereo]
[Terry] How you like it, huh? Come on! Come on! Come on! Take your teeth out!
[Mrs. McCurdy shouting and moaning]
[Mrs. McCurdy moaning wildly]
[Terry] Come on! Come on! Come on! You like that?
[Mrs. McCurdy] Terry, Terry, you’re a beast!
♫ Come crashing through your door
♫ Baby, I can’t fight this feeling ♫
♫ Anymore ♫
♫ Hoo-ooh ♫
♫ Ooh-ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo-hoo ♫