Sex Education – Series 4 – Episode 3 | Transcript

A scathing review rattles Maeve's resolve. Adam and Michael bond over life as a bachelor. Ruby helps Otis with his campaign - and his loneliness.
Sex Education - Series 4 - Episode 3

Original release date: 21 September 2023

A scathing review rattles Maeve’s resolve. Adam and Michael bond over life as a bachelor. Ruby helps Otis with his campaign – and his loneliness.

* * *

[woman] As she entered the interrogation chamber, Glenoxi felt her captor eyeing her.

His long serpentine tongue oozed out of his wet,gash-like mouth.

She eyed his pulsating purple penis, inching towards it.

She felt her abdominal sex cavity quiver.

She could almost taste one of his three mucal glands.

As she pulled his glistening phallus inside her,

she felt…

She felt…


[mimics American female voice] “What am I meant to be feeling here?”


“This is your fantasy.

What do we do next?”

[mimics American male voice] “What am I feeling?

And why have I got dick hands?”

[whispers] I don’t know.

Do you use contraception?

Yeah. Condoms.

I didn’t notice it split or anything.


Condoms aren’t always a hundred percent effective.

It certainly appears that way.

Have you considered any other forms of contraception?

Uh, implants, the pill…

I’ll think about it.

And how many sexual partners do you currently have?

Male or female?

Just one at the moment. He’s a he.

And have you considered the possibility of adoption?

I don’t think anyone would want a pregnant 17-year-old.


I don’t want to do adoption, no.


And who’s gonna be there to collect you after the procedure?

Uh, no one, just me.

Mm. Uh, unfortunately, it’s a requirement.

What if I was a serial killer?

Or a hermit? Or my whole family had died in a fire?

Would I still need to bring someone then?

Yeah. It’s our policy.


You think I have a sister?

[man] I don’t know, you could have.

We’ve lived together 17 fuckin’ years, Jeffrey.

Wouldn’t you know if I had a sister?

When’s my birthday?

[dog barking]

Fuck you, Jeffrey!

That’s domestic abuse.

Forgettin’ someone’s birthday is not domestic abuse, Cynthia.

Everything all right, love?




[dance music pounding next door]

[dog barking outside]

[ringing tone]

[automated voice] Sorry. The number you have dialed is not in service.


[musical phone ringtone]

[musical ringing continues]

[musical ringing continues]




[“This is the Day” by The The playing]

♪ Well, you didn’t wake up this mornin’ ‘Cause you didn’t go to bed ♪

♪ You were watchin’ ♪

♪ The whites of your eyes turn red ♪

Oh… Oh!

♪ The calendar on your wall ♪

No. No, no, no.

♪ Was ticking the days off ♪

[gasps, gags]

♪ You’ve been reading some old letters ♪



[Jean] Are you all right, darling?

I’m fine! I’m fine, Mum! Everything’s ordinary.


♪ All the money in the world ♪

Shit. Okay… Ugh!

♪ Couldn’t buy back those days ♪

♪ You pull back your curtains And the sun burns into your eyes ♪

What have you got on today?

[muffled] I can’t talk right now, Mum.

Well, I’m asking about your school, not your personal life.

I know. I’m late for school.

♪ This is the day ♪

Well… But it’s only 7:15.

♪ Your life will surely change ♪

Yeah, I got clinic, I got sex clinic. I got homework to do.

Okay. I love you.

I love you too. Bye.

♪ When things fall into place ♪

Don’t go in my room.


No particular reason. It’s messy.

♪ This is the day ♪

I’ll clean it.


♪ Your life will surely change ♪

♪ This is the day ♪

31:23. That’s not bad.

♪ When things fall into place ♪

We can do better.


Push him hard today, Coach.

I always do.

Where’s the only place that success comes before work?

The dictionary.


Is dream work!

Get in there and swim, swim, swim!



♪ This is the day ♪

♪ This is the day ♪

♪ Your life will surely change ♪

[starting buzzer]

[whispers] Not my business.

Not my business.

[machine starts]

[Mr. Groff] Good morning, everyone.

As you all know, we are holding a charity event next week for Ugandan schoolgirls, raising awareness for… sanitary towels.

No. Um… [clears throat] Period pads.

Hm. Lady things.

Sanitary products…

And what are you doing here so early, Maeve?

Gettin’ a head start, Mr. Groff.

Very good.

Carry on.

Go with sanitary products, sir.

It’s more professional.

Less creepy.



Thank you, Maeve.

You’re welcome.

[running footsteps]


You’re late.

[clears throat]

Drop something?


No? Why are you eyeballing the ground, then?

I’m not.

You are.

It’s unsettling.


You’ve got a 7:45, an 8:00, and an 8:15.


Better be quick.


Do you want some background of the clients, or…

No, I’m okay.



I’m totally in love with Mr. Hendricks, but he doesn’t know I exist.

How do I make him see me?

Are you sure? I mean…

My pubes are out of control.

I’ve only just cut them and they’ve grown back.

I’m like Wolverine.

And then how did that make you feel?

I fucked a warm melon, and now it stings when I pee.

Now, that is unusual. Hm.

[door slams]

Hi. Uh…

Do you have an appointment?

Uh, no. Uh…

But can I just stay in here for a bit? Um…

I… I want people to think I’ve had sex.

Listen, I hear you.

Peer pressure is hard, but living with regret is harder.

No. Uh, sorry… Uh…

I don’t need therapy. I… I just wanted Molly Bell to see me coming in here so she thinks I’ve had sex.

Uh, you don’t have to speak.

Oh. Right.



Morning, Eric.

Morning, Jean. Love the kimono.

Ooh, love the jumper. Look at that.




What do you want?

Is Otis ready?

No, he’s gone already.

He had a project or something.

Didn’t he tell you?

Oh, no, uh… He mu… He must have forgotten.

[chuckles] What a silly little man.


Mm. Okay. [chuckles]

It can be hard…

when friends find new interests.

But you mustn’t feel left behind.

It can actually be an opportunity for you to find out what’s important to you… as an individual.



Do you have any hobbies?

Uh, not really.

I used to sing in church choir, but then I realized I can’t sing.


And I stopped believing in God.

That’ll do it.

So… yeah.

[Eric laughs]


Cool. Cool.

Bye, Jean.

Bye, Eric.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Jean Milburn?

Yeah, that’s me.

[whispers] Bastard.

[singing softly]

E! My man. How’s it hangin’?

[music plays from headphones]

Yeah… [chuckles]

What, this?

Ed Sheeran. I mean, say what you want about the little fella, but… he’s a total genius, right?

Yeah. [laughs]

I’ve been meaning to speak to you. Swing Band are holding auditions today.

I think you should sign up.

I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Why would you say that?

Look, me and, uh…

Swing Band are sh…

Hip. Yes, we are.

But one can only try.

Trying’s the whole game. No one can stop you trying.

Well, they can try, I suppose. [laughs loudly]

No, no, no, but seriously, I think you should swing by.

Excuse the pun.

You could be a really great fit.

Think about it.




Told you we’d make some money.

…show you…

[Otis] Uh… Sure, okay.

[Maeve] See you later.

[Otis] See you.

Hey, Aimee, what are you doing later today?

Going to Kyle’s for a smoke. We’re a thing now.


Basically, I need someone to help me…

When you’re stoned, do you ever get a really relaxed asshole?

‘Cause the other day, I was doing a bong with Kyle and I literally thought I was gonna shit myself.

Like, I could feel it inching out my bumhole.

Has that ever happened to you?

Not really. No.

Sorry, what were you saying?

What do you want, cock biter?

Nothing. Gotta go. Cocks to bite.

Maeve. Oh!


You look hot today.


What are you doing later?


The qualifiers are today at 5:00 and I was gonna ask if you felt like watching me swim?


Right, um… I can’t.

Why not? What, you busy?

Yeah, maybe I am.

Maybe I live a whole rich life filled with adventure and intrigue.

It is possible to experience things you don’t know about, Jackson.

[laughs] Okay. Uh… Well, I might see you later, then?

If you’re not too busy adventuring or intriguing.




Uh, good luck later.

Maeve. Hold on a second.

I need to talk to you about your As You Like It essay.

Uh… Interesting use of alliteration and quite a complex understanding of Shakespeare’s ability to penetrate the male psyche.



But what?

It’s similar to Simone’s.

Very similar, Maeve.

Maybe we’re just being churned out like little robots.

Hm. You’re a funny girl. Quick.


Why don’t you put some of that into your work?

I really don’t think you need to be copying Simone’s work.

Please do not get yourself kicked out of school.

It would be a colossal waste of everyone’s time.

Aren’t you supposed to say something encouraging?

Shine brighter.

[bell rings]

So please remember to bring in your baked goods for the girls in year nine who are raising money for Ugandan…

sanitary products.

[students snickering]

As we all know… well, some of us, uh, more than others… [chuckles]

Uh, that special… time of the month for women is very normal.

Where were you this morning?

[Mr. Groff] …alter their everyday lives beyond mild inconvenience.

Something really bad happened.

You forgot to save Zelda again?


[Mr. Groff] So, imagine, if you will…

I had a… sex dream…

…that you do not have any sanitary…

…about Maeve.

[yells] That’s brilliant!

About the sanitary things, yaaas! [chuckles]

Uh, anyway, um… uh… that most uncomfortable thought…

Oh, my God. Tell me everything.

…is why the fearless year nine girls…

Was it ALS challenge or just your basic dick sneeze?

It feels wrong, okay? I don’t like it.

No, it’s fine.

It’s not fine, okay? My brain objectified her and I feel like a… like a bad person.

[yells] But it’s normal!

[“Fire” by Beth Ditto playing]

Menstruation is a very good thing.

Actually, it’s… it’s good to have a good clean out.


Um, it’s very healthy, actually, okay?

Because if…

Sit down. Sit down.

♪ Fire ♪

Dude, I am so proud of you.

♪ Bless my soul, that’s the way it is ♪

♪ Bless my soul, I can’t resist ♪

♪ Fire ♪

♪ Fire ♪

See you later.



All right, dickhead?


Maeve, nice to see you again.

‘Cause I saw you this morning.

In school, not in my dreams.

I need to ask a favor.

Oh, yeah? Uh, what is it?

I need you to meet me somewhere after school at 6:30.

Is this a clinic thing?


If you can’t, don’t worry.But…

Oh, yeah, Yeah, yeah. No, I can.



Um, whereabouts, exactly?

Cool. I’ll text you the address.

Cool beans.

See you later.

♪ Bless my soul, I can’t resist ♪

Cool beans.

She’s asking you on a date.

It’s not a date.

It’s a date!

She called me dickhead.


You don’t call someone dickhead and ask them on a date.

She probably knows I had a creepy sex dream about her.

Now she’s gonna expose me as the lech that I am.

Uh, okay, she’s not a psychic.

Also, chill out. You jizzed your pants, you’re not Hannibal Lecter.

What if I am?

Okay, what happened in this dream?

She was…

Her pants…


And… No, actually, I don’t wanna talk about this.

I… Oh, okay. Well, what’s at 439 Trently, anyway?

It’s a tower block with a load of businesses and-and a sushi restaurant.

Why would she want me to have sushi?

Raw fish is an aphrodisiac.

This is totally a date!

Oh, this is making me feel weird.

I don’t like being out of control.

You’ll be fine.

Okay? Whatever it is, just be casual.

Girls like dudes that are casual.

You know, chilled.

But maybe reconsider your outfit just in case it is a date.

It’s not a date.

It’s a date.

It’s definitely…

What do you think I should wear?

Ooh! Um…

Okay, uh, think Jon Hamm.

But chilled.

Okay? Like casual Hamm.


I’m not casual, though! And I look nothing like Jon Hamm.

Yeah, that’s true.

My God.

I need some new clothes.

Bye, Casual Hamm.

Oh, this? [chuckles]

Yeah, no, I’m auditionin’ for Swing Band, thanks for askin’.

So nice that you care about what’s happenin’ in my life.

Okay, good night.

Good night.

[playing off-key]

Good try, Eric!

Huh? Right, team?

You know,

Swing Band’s a collective.

I’m merely the guy with the baton.

So I’ll leave it to the gang to decide whether or not you’re in, but, remember that Leon has leukemia and we do desperately need a French horn.

So… [clears throat]

What do we say?

Is Eric in da posse?


Show of hands, please.

Can we get a show of hands, please?

And there it is.

You’re in, Eric.

Congrats, man! [laughs]

[Eric chuckles]

Pull up a pew, Mr. Magoo.

Sit down, girl.

Get outta here! Go on, sit down.

[clears throat]

Okay, so…

Let’s watch…

I can practice with you if you like.

Get you up to speed.


Okay, okay, okay.

Great, how about after school?

Okay, and I want more sax on bar 12.


Here we go! Good.

Yeah. Coolio.


Okay, guys, from the top.

One, two, three, four. One!

[playing upbeat tune]



Feel it!

[plays on and off-key]

[panting] That was tight as fuck.


Eat it!

At eight weeks, your baby’s heart is beating.

At 15 weeks, your baby can see light.

Did you know that at six weeks, your baby can feel?

Shut up.

Life begins at conception. Termination is murder.

God loves you.

Yeah, well, I wish he’d worn a condom.

Wait, just…

What is wrong with you? Do you hate all life?

I’m fine. Please don’t touch me.

[door buzzes]

Oh! Shittin’ hell…


That is a lot of steps.

[sighs] Are you all right, ladies?

You all right, love? Yeah?




If you could just give me the form.

I’ve… I’ve been here before.

[panting] Oh.



Bloody hell.

They treat us like toddlers, don’t they? All this hand-holdin’.

Well, you’re chatty, aren’t you?

Don’t feel like talking.

Suit yourself, princess.

[TV] ♪ I think I’m in love with you ♪

♪ I think I’m in love with you ♪

♪ As long as you… ♪

Oh, Christ on a bike.

♪ I think I’m in love with you ♪

Can… Um… ‘Scuse me. Can we, um…

Can… Can we change the channels?

I just really don’t think soft porn’s the right tone.

Fucking hell.

Do you mind not doing that, please?

Got it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[overlapping voices]

[man] …peninsula of France?

Oh! Score!

What got into the capital…

…leader in 1946…

You any good at quizzes?

…original name in ’93, which leader?


The American War of Independence took place during the reign of which British king?

Uh, Henry VIII.

George III.


Whose 1950 novel A Town Like Alice…

Fuckin’ tits!

…is set in the Far Eastern theatre of the Second World War?




[computer ringtone]


Otis, it’s your dad calling.

I’ve got a… got a thing.


Hi, Remi.

Sorry, he, uh… has a thing.

[door closes]

Oh, no, I was hoping to catch you. Did you, uh…

Did you get the books?

Uh, yes, I did.

Well, could you sign them and send them back to me?

I’ll pay for the shipping.

I just need them for this bloody book tour.

I’ve got these hardcore fans now…

Will do, okay. Bye.

No, wait. Um… Wait, uh…

How are you getting on?

Have you been writing?


Yes, in fact, I’m starting a new book.

A new book? Well, that’s… that’s great!

So… So who’s your new publisher now, then?

‘Cause I… I heard through the grapevine that your old one had to let you go.

I… You know.

I’m floating it around, as you do, just trying to find the right fit.

You know that whole… rigmarole.

Good for you.

I… I’m just surprised, I guess, that… that you’re writing again, ’cause, uh… you always found it so hard to focus, didn’t you, when we were together?

I guess being single is freeing, Remi.

Oh! So severe, Jeanie. So severe.

Go on, though, what’s it all about, eh?

Elevator pitch.


My patients?


Oh! That’s one now.

Really important one, fascinating… sexual issues.


Bye, Remi.

Oh, uh… please Skype with Otis this week.

He gets very down when you don’t.

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Fucking piece of… wanking piece of fucking shit!

Yes, I’m writing a book, you fuck. You don’t fucking own words, you…

[yells] Shit!



Bearded piece of fucking shit.



Take that, Thunderdick.

[exhales heavily]

Hello, Maeve, how are you?


It’s really nice to hang out with you outside of school.

I really admire your strength.

Excuse me. Are you picking someone up?

I’m… I’m just meeting a friend.

Is she having an abortion?

No! We’re just getting some sushi. I think.

Is sushi some kind of sick code for killing your baby?

I don’t think so.

We have some pamphlets we think you’d be very interested in.

[woman] At six weeks, your baby can feel.

[man] At eight weeks…

Please, don’t do this!

At 15 weeks, a baby can see light.

[man on TV] Which novel by the English Quaker, Anna Sewell, is subtitled The Autobiography of a Horse?

Horse? Uh… Horse.

Uh, uh, Sea… Uh, Seabiscuit!

Black Beauty.

[contestant] Black Beauty.

[man] Yeah.

Who was deputy leader of the Conservative Party from 1975 to ’91…

I knew you weren’t just a pretty face.

…Thatcher’s first Home Secretary…

Hi, um… Sorry, look, I’m looking for, uh…

Maeve, hi.


I, uh… I didn’t know whether to come in or not.

You didn’t specify where to meet you.

Uh… Why are we in an abortion clinic?


I said 6:30.

On time is late.

What the hell does that even mean?

And why are you wearing a suit?


Casual Hamm?

Ugh. Just leave, now.

Just go.

Okay. Yes, sorry.


Do you still want me to wait?

She’ll still need someone to take her home.


He looks sweet. Don’t really seem like your type, though.

He’s not.

A little bit of advice, lovey.

If you want a happy life, you keep the sweet ones around.

I don’t need a mum, thanks.

Okay, Einstein!

Which novelist and artist Illustrated his own series of novels, Titus Groan,

Gormenghast and Titus Alone?

Come on, I bet you know this one.

Yeah, it’s Mervyn Peake.

Mervyn Peake.


I think we’d all appreciate a bit of quiet right now, thanks.

…called Berlin Game and Mexico Set.

What city is in the title of the third book, Match…

She’s totally having an abortion, isn’t she?

Scumbags, I hope you get raped!

[woman yelps]

[Otis gasps]


What the hell?

You okay?

Uh… [spits] Yeah.

Did it get in your eyes or mouth?

I don’t think so.

I’ve got some wipes with me.

Your friend’s gonna burn in hell.

Okay, well, I don’t… see it that way, but thank you for the wipe.

Can I have a wipe?

Get your own wipe.

People don’t normally throw stuff.

Okay, well.

Good luck with that. I’m… I’m going away now.

That bench has got sick on it.

You can sit with us if you like.

But he’s…

We’re all God’s children. Now shut up, Charlie.

…as Ivanhoe in the 1958…

[changes channel]

Oh, my God!

Come on!


Leave the channel!

You wanna sort this out?

It isn’t fair!

It was the right channel!

[doorbell rings]

This isn’t fair!

That’s for me!

That’s for me. Sorry.

I just saw two pigeons having sex.


Great. Well, come on in, then.

[indistinct TV chatter]

Eric, who is your friend?

This is Lily. We’re practicing for Swing Band together.

Don’t stop, don’t talk, go!

Keep your door open, please.

Yeah, Pa.

Who are those girls?

My sisters.

[whispers] It’s a girl.

[all] Ooh!

Eric’s got a girlfriend!

[girls laughing]

A girlfriend.

[machines bleeping]


It’ll be all right.

I promise.

Just take my bloody hand.


[all laugh]

[“Asleep” by The Smiths playing]


♪ Sing me to sleep… ♪

[nurse] Maeve?

Hi, Maeve. I’m Dr. Atwan.

Hop up on the table.

♪ I’m tired and I ♪

♪ I want to go to bed ♪

♪ Sing me to sleep ♪

♪ Sing me to sleep… ♪

Maeve, are you rightor left-handed?


♪ Don’t try to wake me in the morning ♪

♪ ‘Cause I will be gone ♪

♪ Deep in the cell of my heart ♪

A sharp scratch…

♪ I will feel so glad to go ♪

This will make you a little bit sleepy.

[Dr. Atwan] So, do you have any hobbies, Maeve?

Oh, the usual. Water polo.


I also run illegal cock fights.

Is this supposed to be knocking me out?

‘Cause I don’t think…

You can’t still be angry with me.

You should be ashamed!

I’m not with them.

I’m just waiting for a friend.

That bench had sick on it.

You spelt “foetus” wrong again, Charlie. It’s not that hard.

Maybe I should just leave. You obviously don’t want me here.

Oh, right, so the babies aren’t that important then?

Okay. I think I am gonna go to the shops.

Stretch my legs.

I’ll come with you.

Okay, well, how about we all go to the shops together?

I’m not going with him.


[French horn being played off-key]

Okay, I think we’re about ready to start.

Would you like to have sex with me?

What… What are you doing? Why are you naked?

It’s okay. I want to.


I’d like to have sex.

I think you’re sexy, and I really want to have sex with someone.

I’m gay!

Fuck! Really?

Yeah, properly.

You could pretend I’m a boy.

Um, I don’t think…

We could wank each other off.

No. No. No, thank you.

Is that your boyfriend?


No, it’s Jesus.



I didn’t realize Jesus could be black.

Well, he was probably brown, but, you know, why not black?

God, black Jesus is much sexier than white Jesus.

How come your Jesus has muscles?

Well, he probably had to do a lot of carryin’ and stuff.

What’s in here?

Uh, no…

Do you dress up like a lady?


No, I mean, I like dressin’ up, but no, I’m not a ladyboy or anythin’.

Let’s do a makeover.



[both giggle]


[cheering and whistling]

Come on, Jackson!

Come on!

[boy] Jackson!


[man] On your marks, please.


He had sex with someone else.


It’s just so hard to get that image out of my brain, you know?


I look at him and all I see is other women with their lady bits, and he’s putting his bits in their bits.

Penetrative sex. It’s horrible.

Have you ever had someone cheat on you?



When did this happen?

It was before we got together.

I thought you just said he cheated.

He did cheat, on Jesus.

We’re supposed to wait till marriage.

But Charlie’s born again.

Before he joined our church, he had a… very different lifestyle, or so I recently discovered.

Well, yeah, I can imagine it’s hard when you’re comparing your lack of experience to someone else’s sexual history.

What? No, I have experience.

You do?


Hand jobs, fingering, oral, 69ing, a bit of anal stuff.

That’s extensive.

Yeah, but no sex.

That’s sacred, between a man and woman on their wedding night.

Or it’s supposed to be, but…

I’ll just be another girl to him.

[coach] Jackson! Keep it going, son! Keep your stroke!

You’re nearly there! Come on!

Come on, that’s right! Go on!

Go! Keep it going!




Well done!

Well done, my son!

[boy] Yes, Jackson!

[girl whooping]


Well done, my boy.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, well done, lad! Well done!

Thank you.

The school is very proud of you.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh! [grunts]

Thank you, sir. Hey, Mum.

Well done!

Listen, you’re gonna have to push yourself much harder if you’re gonna qualify for the counties.


Look, that was my best time yet.

No, I know.

But we can do better. Yeah?



Nice one.

Well done.

Well done.


All right…

I know this is none of my business, but… [clears throat]

…you’ve kind of involved me here, so I’m just gonna have to say it.

Charlie can’t change his past. And what’s important is who he is now.

I mean, we all mess up and do impure things.

Doesn’t mean we’re bad people.

All right?

Besides, didn’t Jesus say something about forgiveness?

Yeah, it’s pretty much his whole thing.

What do you get someone who’s having an abortion?


They’ll need it in Hell.

Thank you.

It’s very annoying that you don’t want to have sex with me.

Sorry. [chuckles]

I just wanna know how it feels.


Have you done it?

Not all the way, but I do watch quite a lot of porno.

Show me.

You don’t wanna see gay porn.

I definitely do.

It’s called rimmin’.

Looks fun.

Mm-hm. [chuckles]

What do you think it feels like?

What, rimming?

No, sex.

I don’t know.

I think it’ll be nice.

It feels good to wank, so it must be like that, but better.

And doing it with someone who likes you must be awesome, because they really get you.

Maybe the two of you become one, like the Spice Girls said.

Oh! [sighs]

I’m not sure.


I just wanna feel a dick in my vagina.


[moaning on computer]

Lily, it’s time for you to go home.


Thank you for having me.

See you at school, Eric.

It was me who asked to see the rimming.


Dad, it wasn’t…

We were just havin’ a bit of fun.

You know, dressin’ up for…

It’s time for you to grow up.

Get a job, take responsibility.

See what the real world is all about.

Take that stuff off your face before your mother sees.


I fixed the sign.

Your sign looks really good.


When we come out, you won’t shout at my friend, will you?


Probably will.

Yeah, I thought so.

[machines bleeping]

Try and drink.




[nurse] Hello, Sarah.

[Sarah] I remember you from last time.

[nurse] Only vanilla left, I’m afraid.

[Sarah] I don’t like vanilla.

[nurse] Sorry, it’s all we’ve got.

[Sarah] Can you see if… if there are any chocolate ones left?

[nurse] We’re all out.

[Sarah] Ju… Yeah, but I know that you’ve got them. So, can…

Can you just go and ask?

‘Cause I… I really don’t like vanilla, it’s not even a flavor.

[nurse] Like I said, we haven’t got any.

[Sarah] Yeah, and like I said, I don’t fucking like vanilla.

So I just want a chocolate one.

We’re not a restaurant, Sarah.

Maybe there’ll be a chocolate one next time you’re here.

[draws curtain]

[Sarah grunts]

[Sarah clears throat]


Hey, Einstein.

Wasn’t so bad, was it?

I don’t like chocolate.

Everyone likes chocolate.

Not me.

Thank you.

You’re not as tough as you look.

It’s been a shitty day.


Look, don’t… don’t worry, love.

I got three kids, and I feel way more guilty about the ones that I had than the ones I chose not to.

It’s better not being a mum at all than being a bad one.

I bet your kids really love you.



Oh, fuck off and let me eat my mousse.


Hey, Mum.

Let’s get you home.


You waited.

Of course.

You may have some vomiting or nausea.

If the vomiting continues for more than 24 hours,

then you should inform the clinic.

Some bleeding is typical, but if it’s very heavy, then you should call us straightaway.



[whispers] Not a word.

[Otis] Are you okay?

[Maeve] Yeah, I’m fine.

Do you want a sandwich?

You’re so weird, Otis.

You should meet my mum if you think I’m weird.

All she does is talk about sex. She has zero boundaries.

She teaches this workshop called “My Yoni, Myself.”

“Yoni” means vagina.

She hates my dad, too. He lives in America.

But yeah, she’s constantly asking me inappropriate things, and she thinks it’s totally acceptable.

She’s basically mental.

My mum’s a drug addict.

She tries not to be, but… she is.

I haven’t seen her for a while.

And I have a brother as well. He’s the funniest guy I know, but… he’s a bit all over the place.

Not the most reliable.

I didn’t…

Don’t say sorry.


Are those flowers for me?

Uh… Yeah.

Seems a bit inappropriate now.


No, I like ’em.

Nothing says “Happy Abortion” like a bouquet.

This is me.

[dog barking]

Do you want me to come in? I can just…

No, it’s OK. You can go.

I’ll see you later.

Okay, yeah.

Sorry, I… I’m walking you in.

I said I’d walk you home, so…

Otis, I’m fine!

No! You might bleed or hemorrhage.


Or you could have a reaction… [voice fading]

Do you want me to come inside with you?

Just in case…

I’m not inviting you in.

I’ll text you if I die.


I’ll keep my phone close.

If you tell anyone about this, I’ll kill you.

I have a hatchet and I know a good place to hide a body, okay?

[Jackson’s mother] I spoke to Coach.

[Jackson] Mm?

We need to focus on the county trials.


You don’t want to let an opportunity like this pass you by.

I know.

Do you?

That’s the voice you use when you’re not listening.

Mum. It’s okay, all right? I know.


You don’t wanna live with regret, trust me.

I’m gonna book you in with a dietitian first thing tomorrow morning.



[Lily] Glenoxi seized her interrogator.

“Enough talk. It’s time to fuck.”

She grabbed his giant purple penis and thrust it towards her abdominal sex cavity.

But his phallus grew limp.

“I’m gay,” said the interrogator.

Disappointed, Glenoxi left the room.


Her quest for a mate would lead heracross the galaxy, until she found an alien dick to deflower heronce and for all.


[women laughing]

[Jean] Okay, ladies, that was fantastic.


Restore the floor.

Right, okay, let’s take a break. When we come back, I’ll be…

Oh, hi.

[Otis clears throat]

Just gettin’ a glass of water. Kegel exercises are really thirsty work.

Oh! Your mum told us all about your big news.


What news?

Your ejaculation.

Well done, you!


How was it?

Tell me everything. Did you feed her sashimi?

Um… It… It was nothing.


She just wanted me to pick something up for her.


Oh, just a thing.

Hey, I, um… I auditioned for Swing Band today and I got in.

You got in?


Nice one.


Yeah, it’s pretty great.

I told you!

It’s pretty great.

Then this girl offered me sex, which was weird.

She might be crazy.

[phone alert]

I think you’d like her.

Who’s that?


No one.

You ready?


All right. You’re gonna get bombed.

Oh, please. You only won last time because you blue-shelled me.


So don’t try it.

It’s true.

Don’t try… Exactly.

[no audible dialogue]

[slow guitar song plays]

♪ I’m gonna feel every feelin’ In the book tonight ♪

[phone alert]

♪ Fuck the hurt ♪

♪ Fuck the pain ♪

♪ Fuck the panic ♪

♪ Fuck the hate ♪

♪ I wanna feel every feelin’ In the book tonight ♪

♪ And only love ♪

♪ Only love and happiness will remain ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Only love and happiness will remain ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I wanna feel every feelin’ In the book tonight ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Fuck the panic ♪

♪ Fuck the hurt ♪

♪ Fuck the sadness ♪

♪ Fuck the shame ♪

♪ I’m gonna feel every feelin’ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And only love ♪

♪ Only love will remain ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Only love will remain ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪


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