President Curtis – S01E01 – Pilot – Transcript

President Curtis
Season 1 – Episode 1
Episode title: Pilot
Original release date: July 27, 2026

Plot: Cyborg Roe Banks begins her first day as White House Chief of Staff under President Andre Curtis by attending Curtis’ briefing on the death of Paul Bunyan. Later, CIA agent Jack Coffey attempts to steal footage of the Moon landing and then tries blackmailing Curtis for it. Banks and Secret Service special agent Francis O’Doyle retrieve Coffey, who admits the government left Adam, a specially-bred baby on the moon during the landing. Using a space ship built by Rick Sanchez, Curtis, Banks, and O’Doyle travel to the Moon and encounter Adam, who is the son of John F. Kennedy and believes he is destined to become president. After a fierce fight, they apprehend Adam and Curtis publicly reveals the blackmail the CIA has on him, (footage of him defecating himself in the White House Gym). While Coffey is punished by his superiors, Banks moves into her new office, O’Doyle crafts EMP bullets to kill Banks, and Curtis sleeps in his bed alone.

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Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[Reporters conversing indistinctly]

Press: What’s your source?

Press #2: What’s your source?

[Camera shutters clicking]

[Clears throat] My fellow Americans, as many of you know, I killed Paul Bunyan today.

[Reporters clamoring] I’ll take questions in a moment.

Paul James Bunyan was a frontier folk hero turned modern nightmare.

He used his legendary size and status to disguise a 30-year spree of murder, arson, and cannibalism.

As leader of the nation that Bunyan helped build and as the man who took off his head with an obsidian boomerang, I’ll say this much to anyone who thinks they’re taller than the law…

Timber, bitch. Questions?

[Reporters clamoring] Stuckey.

The New York Times recently accused you of using taxpayer dollars to play Batman.

The Times can ask Paul Bunyan if I was playing. Munson.

How do you respond to People Magazine calling you the President with the greatest voice?

♪ I can neither confirm nor denyyyy! ♪

[Reporters groaning] Good looking redhead in front.

Oh. Uh… Do you think killing Paul Bunyan will hurt your approval rating?

I think the families of the people he was eating will approve. Others will disapprove, like people who print menus for pancake restaurants.

Look, folks, I took an oath to protect the People.

Sometimes that means I won’t get likes and subscribes.

If you don’t like it, all I can offer is an emoji of a dinner plate and an emoji of my ass.

[Reporters scoff] Thank you and God bless America.

[Reporters clamoring] Bluebird bound for Oval.

Ma’am. Please stay ten feet back.

Oh, I’m Banks, I’m the new Chief of Staff.

I don’t know that. Ohh.

Special Agent O’Doyle.

You run things by the book when you’re not being booked.

Ugh, felon much?

Those charges were dropped.

It’s not murder to finish a ghost’s business.

And waving a hologram of me when I was three pounds heavier does not give you clearance.

I’ve been cleared to come into the United States Press Room.

How could I be here and not be who I say I am?

You could be a dopplegobble. That’s a hybrid of doppleganger and a… I know what a dopplegobble is.

O’Doyle, what are you doing?

Possible dopplegobble.

There is no possible dopplegobble.

Sir, I’m Chief of Staff Rho Banks.

You might wanna curb Agent Bro before he shoots me.

Hey! Not in front of press. All of this is off the record.

That’s not how that works. You have to say something’s off the record before it happens.

What are you, Professor Record?

Steve, why are you checking to see if your name is Professor Record?

Some kind of creature attacked me in the Press Bathroom!

[Screeching, reporters screaming]

Dopplegobble!

Everyone, stay back. Swapping ammo.

Shape-Hold. Shape held.

Swapping again. Mentos. Cover your mouths.

Well, ma’am, I guess that clears you.

Dopplegobbles are solitary… I know they’re solitary hunters!

Okay, put that shit on the record.

♪

♪

Okay, o-okay… now unlearn Polish and learn origami.

Oh, and the screenplay for RoboCop!

O’Doyle! What… What do you think??

I think she’s an unregulated synthetic.

“Well, give the man a hand!”

Origami RoboCop! She can do anything!

Shut yourself down.

[Imitating beeping] Byuuu… Byuuup.

Doesn’t work like that. And I’m not a “synthetic.”

My brain has just been maximized for neural plasticity.

[Gasps] Sounds so organic.

Sorry, O’Doyle’s half leprechaun, so he’s wary of deception, magic, et cetera.

Don’t leprechauns like those things?

So you’ve literally hired my mother…

Sir, maybe we should go over your schedule for today?

You’ve got that trade meeting…

Hey, you can learn karate, right?

Actually, better question… If we intercepted one of those giant Japanese monsters…

Kaijus. If we intercepted a kaiju, could we put a helmet on it and have you hack into its brain?

Then we’d have our own kaiju.

That would be a violation of international law.

Oh, god, you’re one of those legal people?

Oh, god, you’re not?

[Knock on door] Yes, Janice?

Sir, an almost handsome man from the CIA is here to see you.

Shit. Do not let him provoke you.

Don’t mention the names of anyone you hold dear.

You’re afraid of the CIA?

They killed Kennedy, they Nixon’d Nixon, and I think they stole one of Carter’s fingers.

Don’t send him in, Janice.

Nah, nah, send him in.

Hi there, Mister Presi… Gun! Gun! I’ve got a gun!

Come on, man, you gotta be faster than that.

Oh, by the way, I’m not from the CIA. The CIA doesn’t exist.

Or does it. Ugh.

Oh. It’s this week’s new Chief of Staff.

No intro neccessito, I’ve read your file.

Targeting Officer Jack Coffey.

Bluff called, she really reads the files!

[Coughs] Loser. So what’s your gimmick?

Gotta have an action hero gimmick or this manchild wouldn’t hire you.

Like this guy. You know he never lies?

I’ll show you. You gay? He can’t answer.

Cuz of the Kinsey scale. We’re all a little [Blabbers]

Except me. I’m lying.

What do you want, you fuckin’ sociopath?

Glad you asked.

This, as you know, is a hockey puck with a hologram of the country in it.

Thought you might like it.

Plus it came with this cool telescoping pointer.

Uh-oh, handheld apparatus exceeds the eighteen-inch limit.

You have been detained by Secret Service.

Please! I don’t want to die! That’s my one weakness!

Do you know what it’s like to work for people so deceptive they can train you to cry on cue?!

Why are you here?

I dunno, we just love Presidents.

Bomb AI voice: Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. Bomb.

Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. Shit! Move, move, move!

Evacuate West Wing!

Really? First day of work?!

Bomb. Fake bomb… sound off.

Fake bomb… vibrate. Fake bomb… gentle beats.

[Calm music playing]

[Beeping]

Yuck. Carter germs.

Goddammit! I can’t believe we fell for that!

[Gasps] He went down FDR’s fireside shaft!

O’Doyle, can you scan his aura? He went north.

He tends to micromanage, but he’d probably be a good dad if he stopped getting in his own way.

Okay let’s chase him, not humanize him.

Sir, how do I report this exactly? You don’t.

But none of this is in the Constitution!

Neither is your mama, but you did what she told you, right?

Gun.

Revise that. Hologram of a gun.

That wasn’t me lying.

The hologram was a lie. We get it.

Bomb AI voice: You, with a gun.

You, not masturbating in a Zoom meeting.

You, proudly attending a school play.

Coulda been a good dad? I said probably.

He took something from the tape vault, he’s headed for the exit, and he fears rejection.

Who craves rejection? Let’s go!

♪

Dammit! And he took the fastest one!

Uh, what about one of those?

Curtis: That’s Reagan’s experimental vehicle bay, but it’s locked with a facial scanner that thinks I’m Mr. T.

Fortunately it’s using 1980s-era encryption.

I should be able to patch in.

Go left! Right! Go right! Hold, hold! No, no! Up, up! Hold, hold!

Very helpful.

Got it.

KITT: Come on, Ronald. Let’s go teach gangs how to breakdance.

The car doesn’t really talk. Those are recordings.

There is no such thing as AIDS.

I’m not making it say that.

What are you doing? Ram him.

Ram him? We’re in a car, he’s in a wheelchair.

It’s a stolen wheelchair! It is still punching down!

Okay, now it’s punching up.

Aah!

[Groans]

You get him, I’ll get the tape! Yes, ma’am.

Impact detected.

Planting evidence to avoid liability.

Are you running at my speed to make me feel better?

Did it work? Go!

[Barking]

Hey! Bad dog!

Actually, wait. I’m the problem!

All your bad behaviors are because I’m a lazy, undisciplined owner!

[Whines]

Ah! Shit!

He’s jigging! We need to get the hell out of here!

[Sobbing]

I’m so sorry, sir. I let you down.

You did not. Breathe.

♪ O Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes, the pipes are… ♪

Excuse me. Are you the President?

No, I’m a lookalike. I do mattress commercials.

Oh! You’re lucky, he’s a handsome man to look like.

Well, bless your heart.

Got it! Don’t know what it is but I got it!

Can we do a selfie? You better believe it.

Um, sir? I’m glad you’re really not him.

A lot of his policies concern me, and I don’t love that he’s divorced.

Yeah, well, stick that up your ass.

Sir, why are there two tapes of the first Moon landing?

And why is one labeled “real”?

Because they’re both real?

Eh, I tried.

This is the Moon landing the world watched live in 1969, and it was all very real. Oh, thank Christ.

And this is the Moon landing that was produced as a backup.

“Backup”? You know, in case Armstrong landed on the Moon and said, “God is dead,” or even worse, “God is alive.”

One small step for man… Man: Cut!

The line is “a man.” That’s what I said.

Then you mumbled it. Back to “one.”

It was shot during LBJ’s administration by Stanley Kubrick. Hey, you can’t talk to me like that.

Yeah, I can. Think about it, you’re in a fake Moon landing.

You really think they’re gonna let you live?

How you feeling? Frightened? [Hyperventilating]

Struggling to breathe? Cosmically insignificant?

Good. Now put film in the camera.

-Whoa, so cool. Did you see that? Amazing.

Unfortunately, it cost twice as much as the real Moon landing, and 20 people died making it.

Jesus. Mostly writers, but, yeah.

It’s good the CIA didn’t get this tape, but they home invaded the White House today.

We need to expose them.

No, we don’t, because we did something better.

We embarrassed them.

Exposure can be very embarrassing.

This administration doesn’t tattle, Banks.

We’re adults. We fight ninjas.

[Knock on door] Mr. President, the CIA called to say they’re very sorry if you thought anything happened today, because it didn’t.

They also wanted to remind you they have something on you, and since you didn’t let them do this the easy way, you might as well just bring the Moon footage to them.

Would you like to go over this before I eat it?

I won’t eat it in front of you.

It’s a long note, and I don’t have the saliva I used to.

Hi. Thanks, Janice.

Happy birth… Ah, shit, she’s gone.

Are we not tattling because we’re adults or because we’re being blackmailed?

More robo, less cop, Banks.

End your first day on a win.

That’s good advice, sir. I quit.

Well, that’s understandab… Whaaa?

What kind of schmuck bait crap is this?

You don’t get to quit!

I don’t work for people who only serve themselves.

When I serve myself, I serve the American people.

That’s the job of a president.

Oh, did you mean your fraternity of dead White dudes whose security system thinks you’re here to steal Knight Rider’s hubcaps?

Knight Rider was the name of the show, not the car!

Have fun selling out your country to the CIA.

Now you’re fired. I quit!

Schmuck bait! I don’t know what that is!

It’s a term from broadcast television development.

I don’t know what that is!

Yeah, but you pulled the phrase Knight Rider out of your ass!

That’s a big box for three rulers.

[Scoffs] You want me to carry three loose rulers out of the White House on the worst first day of my life?

But you like a bad day, don’t you?

I can see from your aura that you kind of get off on wallowing. And I can tell from everything you say that your mother left you in the tub until it got cold.

She actually started the water cold.

He’s missing.

He’s not even supposed to leave the yard!

I’ve checked the man cave, the dude room, the bro tunnel, the testicle vestibule.

So that’s how the divorce is going.

Wait, do you think this has something to do with the CIA having dirt on him?

[Gasps] Do you know things I don’t know?

What, are you asking for my help?

Yyyyyyyy… eeeeeee…

Man: Nothing beats a carnival, does it?

Except maybe an old man feeding birds.

I guess that’s why I joined the CIA.

For the tropes. Bird seed?

No, I don’t want your damn bird seed.

Where’s the Moon footage, Mr. President?

Please tell me it isn’t in the Afro.

We’re derivative, not regressive.

I want confirmation you’ll destroy my file.

I mean, you want me to drag an icon into a trash bin and then pinkie swear there aren’t copies?

It’s like, okay, Boomer. Coffey?

Give me the film, Curtis.

What are you gonna do, shoot the President?

Yeah, cuz that never happens except to like 20% of you.

Where is it? What do you want with it?

What’s with the interview? You writing a book about guys with guns pointed at you? Afro!

Real bird seed! Real gun!

[Both grunting]

[Tires squeal]

What the f… Shh.

Sleep, you sleepy little baby piece of shit.

Oh, hi! I’m only here because I thought the CIA might kill you for that fake Moon landing tape, and I was right.

Uh, apparently not. They left behind the fake tape.

Wha?

What’s so special about the real Moon landing, Coffey?

Pfft.

Wait, what’s he doing?

He’s getting ready to torture you.

Jesus. I thought he was a leprechaun.

Why does he look like a Russian porn director?

You know he can’t lie, right? Makes him a great interrogator.

O’Doyle, are you willing to give Coffey a Colombian manicure?

Yes. And a Chernobyl circumcision?

O’Doyle: Absolutely.

How about a Florida education?

W-What’s that? What’s it sound like?

Okay, Jesus! I’ll tell you!

There’s information in the original Moon tape that needs to go away.

Bullshit. I’ve been over all three hours of this, and there’s nothing.

‘Cause you’re watching it in standard def.

Switch to widescreen. Settings, input.

What is the difference between display and form… Hold on.

Ugh! Why does it keep going back?

Menu to go up, volume down to select?

Why is one category “Display/Audio”?

That’s just describing a television.

Here, let Gen X show you how it’s done.

What the hell are they doing?

Guys? What’s Buzz Aldrin hiding behind his back?

Is that a baby?

Coffey: You think America spent 25 billion so three dads could joyride on a Moon rover?

It was about colonization.

Oh! Oh!

Let’s all agree that not every truth “sets you free.”

Like the truth that there’s a hamster ball rolling around the Moon with a mummified baby in it.

Why are you looking at me like I’m not telling you everything?

Because you don’t try to steal information you already have.

Enhance. Enhance. No, no, dehance.

Lefthance. Uphance. Uphance again.

Stophance. No need to scan that.

All you’re gonna find is the price of the baby.

I got it. It says “Adam,” and then there’s a frequency. This is telemetry data.

[Gasps] This signal is moving.

It’s a skeleton in a ball.

They roll. This is walking.

Adam is alive.

Okay, okay! Yes, he’s alive!

He’s a superhuman freak bred for the moon!

We thought he’d die on his own, but now every country and their mother is planning a Moon mission, and we can’t let him fall into the wrong hands.

You think I’m gonna let you murder your own dirty secret?

I’m gonna go rescue his ass, then we’ll see who has dirt on who.

Pssh, good luck, our kill squad’s already on the way to the Moon, and you just gave us the targeting data we needed.

Camera in my button. Pretty basic spy stuff.

No, don’t make me sleep. My dreams are so scary! Fu…

Sir, what do they have on you? It doesn’t matter.

We gotta get to the moon before they do.

How? NASA could be compromised.

I don’t need NASA to go to the Moon.

I’ve… got a guy.

I’ll bring it back in one piece.

Eh, keep it. I built it during a blackout.

It’s basically “found spacecraft.”

Thanks, Rick, Morty.

Sorry for all the times I tried to kill you in your own adventures.

We’re cool. Eh, water under the bridge.

All right, well, later, nerds.

Wow, they spin off so fast.

I give it ten episodes. Damn! Shots fired!

Hey, we ain’t exactly evergreen ourselves, buddy.

Now come help me “moooove through the multiverse” and whoa, oooh…

♪

Why did I get the back seat? Oh, my God.

Is that why you’ve been silently stewing?

Here.

Okay, you made your point. Move me back.

Don’t be a dick. Can’t hear you.

Quiet down, you two! There’s a ship up ahead.

S.S. Assassination? You think that’s them?

All right, let me get up alongside them.

What are we gonna do? Watch and learn.

[Men scream]

Great work, sir. I have my moments.

Adam’s signal is in that biodome.

Also, holy shit, I’m on the Moon.

Keep it in your pants, Banks.

Whoa. This wall was made with rocket casings from Apollo 14.

Incredibly resourceful for a baby.

You do realize babies turn into people, right?

Either way, to do this entirely by yourself…

Maybe not entirely.

They kept sending up super-babies?

No wonder the CIA wanted to wipe this place out.

Why does it smell like a gym locker?

Well, I have a theory. There’s jizz everywhere.

Whoa. Hey, let’s not judge.

The guy’s been isolated on the Moon for 60 years.

But why is it on the ceiling?

Adam: Ask not why I came all over the room you’re in.

Ask why you’re in my cum room.

Are you doing a JFK thing? Of course.

I look like him, don’t you think?

Except my body is mostly lungs to help me breathe up here.

Look, Moon Baby, we’ve come to rescue you and take you home.

You mean, I can finally be crowned President of Eur-eth?

What? The thing that my father and LBJ and the White House always wanted.

Here, I watch this every day.

Dear son, by the time you see this, I will be very old and doing many, many parades a day in Texas, my favorite place.

But I wanted you to know that I love the CIA and we put you up there together.

What the hell? I made you to protect my DNA, so that one day my super-spawn could come back and be president of everything.

You were born special, Adam.

And me and the CIA and White House will always love you, forever.

Well that’s depressing.

Why? Because I’m the President.

I came up here to get dirt on the CIA, not see my entire office in bed with them.

Wait. Are you Clin-ton, the president who stopped sending me moon babies?

No, I’m not Clinton! And where are those moon babies?

Hmm. Mm, ask me again, except ask “how they are” instead of “where.”

How are… Delicious!

Ohh. Pretty sure he ate the babies!

When I serve myself, I serve the American people.

That is the job of a president.

Okay, I get it. I was thinking problematically.

This isn’t about you!

It’s about me reclaiming my legacy!

Thanks for the spaceship!

If not us, who? If not us, who?

[Laughs] Fatherbots!

Shit. Take cover!

Enjoy the gravity! [Cackling]

[Grunting]

Shit, shit, shit!

He’s going for the ship, he’s hungry for people, and he’s a triple Leo.

Well, that explains the theatrics.

Banks, can you hack in and reverse the gravity?

This is property of the White House.

My safety protocols won’t allow it!

Can’t you override them? Okay, okay.

Remember… my safe word is “Nutter Bar.”

Okay, I have no more restrictions.

Or empathy… I don’t like this.

I’m going after Adam! O’Doyle, cover me!

Yes, sir. Aah!

Aah! Banks, can you tweak these gravity settings?

There’s nothing I can’t tweak.

No! Goddammit!

There’s only one president here!

And his name is Moon Baby!

Semen doesn’t make presidents, Adam.

The people do. People make semen.

Where did you learn to argue? The Moon!

Aah! What the hell, Banks?

You gonna shoot or…

Buckle up, buttercup!

Whoa! Aah!

Whoa. Final boss. [Groans]

[Both grunting]

Ah, shit!

[Roars]

Shit. I can’t penetrate it.

That’s what he said. I’m gonna use gravity to increase your gun’s muzzle velocity.

Shoot when I tell you to. Wait, what? Waah!

Shoot now!

Agh! [Groans]

Eat my dick, Medibot!

A little help here, Banks. Whee!

Wait, what are you doing? Going back to Earth, zeroing out all bank accounts to incite anarchy, and ruling the rubble as a goddess.

Bye! Banks, stop!

[Grunts]

Nutter Bar! Ohh… Oxidation protocol, activated.

Now allowing fire in the vacuum of space.

Hey, hey, get off!

[Gasping]

Can’t… breathe!

There he is, the man I voted for! Whee!

Banks! [Giggling]

What was that safe word to snap her out of it?

Nibble bits! Nelly butt! New Balance!

Newt Gingrich! Moon man!

Why are you pitching? Nutter Bar! Fucking Nutter Bar!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Agh! Damn it! Sir, what are you gonna do?

The CIA has all the chips here.

How can we keep them from exposing whatever they have on you?

Leave it to me, Banks. I know exactly what to do.

[Reporters clamoring]

Mr. President, why were you in space?

Because of secret Moon stuff.

But I have a much more important secret to share.

[Clears throat] Last year, I was working out in the White House gym.

A gym I was unaware had active security cameras.

I was doing an intense set of crunches, and I shit my pants.

[Reporters clamoring] My trainer didn’t see it.

He had just gone to grab our Postmates.

I panicked. I threw my underwear in the trash bin.

I wiped my ass with a gym towel, and I kept working out.

I did not wash my hands. Oh, my God.

I touched a lot of equipment.

I didn’t have shit on my hands, but it was still… disgusting. I put the health of everyone who touched the StairMaster at risk.

The Office of the President is the most important office… of the most powerful nation on this planet.

If I use that power to protect my own interests, I will fail to protect what matters most… the people.

God bless America, and don’t work out if you’re hungover.

Goodbye. Reporter: What color was the towel, sir?!

What color was the towel?!

Sir, that was incredible.

Banks, that kind of low bar is exactly what I need in my closest advisor.

What do you say, kid?

After what I saw today, I’d be honored, Mr. President.

Uh-huh. Let’s see how you feel after tomorrow.

[“Have You Ever Seen the Rain?” [Plays]

♪ Someone told me long ago ♪

♪ There’s a calm before the storm ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ It’s been comin’ for some time ♪

♪

♪ When it’s over, so they say ♪

♪ It’ll rain a sunny day ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Shinin’ down like water ♪

♪

♪ I want to know, have you ever seen the rain? ♪

♪

♪ I want to know, have you ever seen the rain ♪

♪

♪ Comin’ down on a sunny day? ♪

♪

♪

Good girl, Boo-boo.

Did you get any of that?

♪