Palm Royale
Created by: Abe Sylvia
Based on: Mr. & Mrs. American Pie by Juliet McDaniel
Stars: Kristen Wiig (Maxine Dellacorte-Simmons), Ricky Martin (Robert Diaz), Josh Lucas (Douglas Darby Dellacorte-Simmons), Leslie Bibb (Dinah Donohue), Amber Chardae Robinson (Virginia), Laura Dern (Linda Shaw/Penelope Rollins), Allison Janney (Evelyn Rollins), Carol Burnett (Norma Dellacorte)
Premise: Set in 1969, outsider Maxine Dellacorte-Simmons (Kristen Wiig) strives to attain a place in the high society of Palm Beach, Florida, through the town’s most exclusive country club, the Palm Royale, in the process learning what she will and won’t do to achieve this.
Season 2 – Episode 8
Episode title: Maxine Hits the Slopes
Original air date: December 31, 2025 (Apple TV+)
Episode plot: The Palm Beach set jets off to Switzerland, with Virginia and Ann hunting for Norma, Dinah and Perry seeking the fabergé egg, and Evelyn and Eddie taking their honeymoon. Though Maxine joins Douglas and Mitzi to sign away her claim to the Dellacorte trust, she and Douglas secretly reconcile. At Norma’s former boarding school, now her grand hotel run by Lotte, the travelers are welcomed by Robert, whom Norma has legally adopted as a Dellacorte. Discovering that it is actually Linda who must renounce her claim, Maxine enlists pilots Beullah and Ulla to fetch her. Virginia confides in Ann about the Soviet mole, and they, Maxine, and Douglas find Agnes’s grave, realizing the real Norma is buried there and that Lotte is Agnes’s mother. Norma arranges for Mitzi to annul her marriage to Douglas and marry Robert instead to unlock the trust. Deducing that Jed is the father of Mitzi’s baby, Evelyn confesses her infidelity to Eddie. A mixup results in Robert burning letters proving Norma’s true identity, while Maxine discovers letters to Robert from his estranged child, but Douglas is poisoned by Lotte.
* * *
Palm Royale – S02E08 – Maxine Hits the Slopes | Transcript
[“Jodel Echo” playing]
[nun] Here she is, Mrs. Rollins.
Freshly bathed for her journey.
[Mrs. Rollins] Thank you, Lotte.
You’ve been incredibly kind.
[Lotte] A mother at long last.
Auf Wiedersehen, Penelope.
May you have a blessed future.
[flight attendant]
General Harrison’s eggnog.
Bourbon. Neat.
Whole milk.
Grüezi, pals.
That’s “hello” in Switzerland.
Uh, Grasshopper.
Uh, danke. [sighs] Prepare to leave your Palm Beach worries at the door, and become newer, better European versions of ourselves on the continental continent.
[chuckles]
Are you ready to capture Norma and throw her in a dark hole forever and ever, amen?
What happened to leaving our troubles at the door?
This isn’t an ordinary trouble.
This is a trip art mission.
One, avenge my sister.
Two, get you out of the basement at the FBI.
And three, give you a lights out explosive headline that’s bound to win you a Pulitzer.
Three stones, one identity-thieving murderess.
It is all rather thrilling. [laughs] Maybe some time away might give me a fresh career perspective.
Nothing like some Alpine air and an international woman-hunt to clear the mind. [chuckles]
[breathes deeply]
Evelyn, listen.
I wanted… Oh, okay.
I wanted to thank you as my conservatress for coming with me on this Swiss sojourn.
[Evelyn] I’m not coming abroad with you.
I’m coming abroad with my gorgeous husband.
Right, darling?
A perfect opportunity for a late honeymoon.
Sun, ski, me.
[Eduardo] It’ll be nice to take a break from the stress of the business.
What stress of the business?
Oh, look. It’s the incubator waddling in for a landing.
Oh. Everyone, clear the path.
Make sure there’s no tripping hazards here.
VIP. Very important passenger coming through.
Shut the fuck up, Maxine.
Geez, hold the sauce, Sister.
I was just trying to help you out.
Like when you played dead and haunted me?
I could kill you, I really could.
Are we about to have an incident?
No, no incident.
‘Cause any incident you cause will be cause for ejection.
As a decorated airman, you have my solemn aircrew vow that there’ll be no cause for ejection between my exwife and my wife.
You? A pilot?
Yes, ma’am. I proudly flew the Dallas-Cleveland-Atlanta route for 20 solid years.
Ooh, big man. Ya. Big man.
Ya, big man. Big man.
[both speaking German]
[in English] Douglas. Uh, I think the air hostesses are making fun of you.
Ulla and Beullah were big men too once.
[inhales] In the war.
Ya, in the war, we were huge men.
We were fighter pilots.
Now we’re back to doing women’s work, pushing warm nuts.
[Ulla] Only good part of every Swiss layover is taking Beullah’s plane for a spin.
Ooh.
I dock it at our sister Sulla’s chalet.
We let it rip!
[Ulla chuckles] Where’s the bathroom?
In the rear.
Ooh.
Take your seats.
[both chuckle]
[Maxine] Go ahead.
Oh.
Is there anything about me in there?
What are you doing here?
For your informacione, we are on a secret mission.
[whispers] Madge Post is threatening to spread a rumor that I’m Nixon’s paramour, and my only salvation from societal ruin is the dim hope that Axel has some bejeweled egg stuffed in a safety deposit box.
The black widow and her mustachioed man on an international gambit full of intrigue, and jewels, and scandal.
[exhales] Why, you two are the Jenna and James Bond of Palm Beach.
When you put it in those Maxinian terms…
That’s the spirit. [laughs] [chuckles] Let’s take off!
[snaps fingers]
That’s not my decision. [chuckles]
[breathes heavily]
[Norma] Did you visit your portrait?
[Robert] I still don’t understand how it’s possible.
[Norma] Switzerland is how. It never takes sides in the who’s who and the what’s what of the world, and is more than happy to oblige the wealth and whims of one of its greatest families.
Of which you are now legally a member.
Yes, but a painting doesn’t make me a Dellacorte, Norma.
In Switzerland, names are given, names are taken.
And now, you have one of the most powerful, my son.
Pardon me, ma’am. Is this seat taken?
Oh. [exhales] Where’s Mitzi?
Oh, she’s in the bathroom again.
That is quite a spiffy travel coat.
Oh, yeah. This is a Dellacorte ski jacket.
I always wore it when I, uh…
Went skiing?
Yeah.
It’s kinda like old times, huh?
You and me.
Up in the clouds.
I can’t stop thinking about you.
[whispers] Douglas, stop.
[sighs] I’m not gonna do to Mitzi what she did to me.
Okay.
Here’s what I’m thinking.
Once the baby comes, and we free up the money, then I’ll divorce Mitzi.
[stutters] I’ll put her up some place really nice, and-and you and I can get remarried.
And I’ll be a father.
And as long as you’re okay with having someone else’s kid in our life, then…
We could have it all.
Yeah.
The-The money, the name, the house.
Well, maybe not the house.
Unless you wanna shack up with Robert?
Speaking of that…
There’s something I wanna tell you.
Gosh, how do I say this?
Norma isn’t Norma.
Her real name is Agnes, and she’s an imposter.
So it’s not really her house to give away in the first place.
Uh, you’re talking Swahili here, Max.
Okay, just focus on this.
The house, the money, the fortune, all of it is… it’s already yours.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.
I just didn’t…
You didn’t want me to squander away the money before you got your half.
Well…
God, you know me so well.
[Maxine] I do.
[clears throat]
[Douglas sighs]
Don’t mind me.
Oh.
Gin and tonic, please.
That’s a nice watch, man.
Evelyn got it for me.
[Maxine] Oh.
What was the occasion?
She just loves me. [chuckles] Of course. [laughs] I am sorry about the pickle the murder of my sister put the Palm Royale in.
[sighs] That is the least of our worries.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Worries, you say?
[Eduardo sighs] Do tell.
You and me are gonna tête-à -tête.
Tête-à …
It’s French for, even though you have a bun in that oven, Douglas most certainly did not do the baking.
In fact, I think a certain alligator wrangler’s spermatozoa is multiplying in that tiny uterus of yours even as we speak.
Your French stinks.
They say a picture speaks a thousand words.
I’m a very popular face in Palm Beach.
Lots of men have my picture.
I see.
And do you love lots of men in Palm Beach forever and ever?
Either I blow the lid off this joint, or you give me half that baby money when the kid is born.
I can’t give you half the baby trust because Douglas already promised it to Maxine.
Much to my chagrin.
Chagrin?
That’s French for leave me the fuck alone.
[sighs]
Oh, come here often?
Why the smug mug?
A little birdie told me you might be having some problems with the old IRS.
Ah, it seems little birdies are in season ’cause one just told me you’re about to come into scads of money once Mitzi pops out her nugget.
Yes, your little birdie tweets truth.
[Evelyn sighs] And maybe I could send some of those scads over to the IRS on your behalf.
Out with the “if” I sniff.
If your business becomes my business.
We’re partners.
At the Palm Royale.
I do believe I have you by the balls, if that’s the right saying.
Fine.
Well, it has to be different this time.
No scheming, or double-dealing, no secrets.
In that case, um…
[smacks lips] I, um…
I-I may have accidentally…
Stepped out on Eddie.
I know, I saw the apology watch.
What are you talking about?
Evelyn, everyone in Palm Beach knows when someone gives their significant other a fancy piece of jewelry when it is not a birthday or a holiday, they are indeed saying, “I’m sorry”, without saying, “I’m sorry.”
I feel horrible even after giving him the watch.
[sighs] Take it from me.
Be honest from the start and then move on.
Look at me and Douglas.
Not the best example.
Just do it today.
Please.
Promise.
Please take your seats and strap in.
Oh.
Things are about to get a little bumpy.
Ooh, okay.
Okay.
[“Judy Min Vän” playing]
[Ann] This hotel has a fascinating history.
First, it was a convent, and then it became the Fluginorgen, an all-girls boarding school, before converting to a wartime hospital…
Oh, there’s another chapter, Ann.
Don’t forget.
Where Norma Dellacorte, nay, Agnes Whosywhatsits, was boondoggled and hornswoggled.
That’s not what boondoggled means.
What’s your plan, gumshoe?
You gonna storm the lobby and throw a butterfly net over her?
[chuckles] No.
[Eduardo] It’s kinda funny, huh?
You all travel all the way to the other side of the world for a vacation, and you end up with the exact same people.
That’s just how rich people travel.
It’s a herding instinct.
Well, speak for yourself.
I’ve never been to this hotel.
This was Skeet and his first wife’s special place.
I never wanted to go ’cause I didn’t want to be haunted by her ghost.
Being haunted’s no fun. Right, Maxine?
Mitzi, you really must let that go.
Besides, it was Virginia’s idea.
Oh, hell no.
I’m not a part of this.
We all just need to move on.
Well, you know what I’m looking forward to the most?
Skiing.
[gasps] Oh, same here.
We used to play a game… [chuckles] …at boarding school called Bum Bum Rush.
We’d get silly on peppermint schnapps, we’d race down the mountain in our skivvies.
Oh, it was such a gas.
[both laugh]
[Perry laughs]
I’m right here, Dinah.
There’s no need to broadcast your skivvies.
Listen. When we get to the premises, boys, you take all the luggage.
Ladies, we’ll fan out and look for Robert.
He’s the heart and soul of Palm Beach and he’s never done anything bad to any one of us.
We need to bring our native son home.
Agreed? All right.
Put the pedal to the metal.
We got a boon to doggle.
[horn honks]
[all scream, grunt]
[Dinah] Oh, my God!
Oh!
[Dinah] Perry fell out!
What happened?
Perry fell out of the car!
Oh, he’s rolling!
Stop the car!
Stop the car!
We’ve been expecting you.
Welcome to the Fulm.
[Ann] We found him.
Robert?
Maxine thought you’d be stuffed in a dungeon.
Still on your manhunt?
What are you planning to do?
Throw a giant butterfly net over her?
No.
Of course Norma knew you’d arrive because of the verification of the baby.
She left a while ago.
[sighs] I’ll be at the bar.
Me too.
She left this for you.
“Maxine.” [exhales] “By the time you read this, I’ll be long gone.”
One step ahead of you. As always.
Please enjoy the skiing, “hot buttered beer, and our famous Gerbenhemeiflugens.”
Swiss kidney chowder.
Oh.
From my gap year in Leipzig.
Norma was always a fabulous host.
[Dinah] Mmm.
“My son, Robert, will see to your every need.”
Son?
Norma was pregnant?
Norma adopted me.
I am now a Dellacorte.
Officially.
Is this because you and I had a fight?
Maxine, not everything’s about you.
I’m just trying to find a peaceful life.
Norma’s not even Norma, you know?
So-So all of it, the life, the Dellacorte mansion, it’s not yours.
It’s… In fact, it’s Douglas’s.
Prove it.
[scoffs]
You bet your bottom dollar I’m gonna prove it.
Our bell-woman, Lotte, will assist you from here on.
Lotte.
[all exclaim] Oh, God.
[Robert] Mmm.
Auf Wiedersehen. Oh, that means goodbye.
Ow.
[Maxine] Lotte, is it?
Um, would you mind directing us to the bank?
[Lotte] Of course.
You just hop on the gondola.
Take it all the way to the tippy top of the mountain.
Just above the Hall of Dellacortes.
They have a whole hall? Wow. Jerks.
Yes, hi, hi, hi.
I was wondering if the honeymoon suite might be available?
We are at capacity due to Frampus weekend.
[chuckling] What the hell is Frampus weekend?
Frampus was Krampus’ mistress.
[Mitzi] Who’s Krampus?
Our Santa Claus.
Demonic rat bastard.
Frampus was Mr. and Mrs. Krampus’ maid when Mrs. Krampus found out that she was shtupping her husband, she threw her into the fireplace, and burned her for being a conniving…
Oh.
…lying… adulterous…
Believe that’s yours.
No, it’s yours.
[Dinah chuckles] …witch.
Give it to me.
Ladies, new plan.
We have to prove that Norma is not Norma.
What? Find Norma bones?
I don’t know.
Just start digging.
I’m not digging for some decade’s old identity theft.
This is not gonna help my career.
Excuse me.
Sorry if I don’t have a bunch of Russian moles scurrying around.
This is the best we got.
What Russian moles?
Seriously?
Sorry. Nothing.
Virginia, is this true?
Hey, Max.
Come on, it’s time to get to the bank.
Okay, just-just nose around.
See what you can sniff out.
[sniffs]
Mitzi. Tick tock.
We gotta go to the bank.
I’ll be there in a minute.
I just need to call my doctor.
Wind from south, 40 knots.
Big storm brewing tomorrow.
Let me guess.
Ringing your alligator sommelier?
No.
Get on the gondola, bitch.
[Eduardo] Evelyn!
[Evelyn] Ah, ready to hit the slopes?
Actually, I thought we could do some whore broom decorating.
I’m sorry, I’m positive I misheard you.
Whore broom decorating?
The locals celebrate Frampus weekend by decorating brooms like women and burning them.
Could be fun. [laughs] [laughs] So fun.
[Douglas] What an asshole.
Now I’m a guest at his hotel?
He has the stones to steal my house?
Our house.
We’ll get it back.
We just have to prove Norma isn’t Norma.
[Perry] That crazy old crackerjack.
Can’t believe she offed her roommate.
[exhales]
Don’t call her crazy, Perry.
That is just a label society puts on women.
[Perry] Mmm.
[Dinah] Exhibit A: Frampus.
Exhibit B: me.
Madge Post threatening me with her smear campaign.
[Perry] Mmm.
We should just cut bait.
Head for the hills, become Swiss snow people.
But what about the children?
[Dinah] Oh, right.
Their boarding school is awfully close.
[gasps] Austria then?
[gasps] Ooh.
I’m sorry. You have children?
I have four.
Oh.
I’m not the father.
[Dinah] Mmmmm.
That’s husband number one.
Yeah.
But I do like to think of them as my own.
Mmm.
For two days every other year.
[Dinah] Bliss. My babies.
Oh, look. I think I see the bank!
Where?
Look, on the top of the mountain.
[Dinah gasps]
[Lotte sighs] You would think after so many years, I would get used to the altitude, but I swear it is still a real knob gobbler.
[Ann] Were you here when this was a boarding school?
Before that, toots.
Do you happen to remember Norma Dellacorte by any chance?
Oh, yes, Norma. Of course.
A real spitfire.
It was a shame she had to leave after her father died, but as is our good fortune, she has been our benefactress ever since.
She loved her Alma mater.
What about a little girl named Agnes?
[mysterious music plays]
I don’t remember her.
You know what you really should do?
What’s that?
Ask me about me.
I have had a very interesting life, but all anybody cares about are the young patooties.
Did you know that I used to be a nun?
I know. Hard to think of a sexual muffin like me hiding all of my bushels. [chuckles] I was a hot-to-trot girl, so they stuck me in a convent.
[chuckles]
Nothing more frightening than a sexual woman.
You two understand. [chuckles] How long you been together?
Oh!
Oh! Oh, we’re just work colleagues.
I’d like us to be equal partners, but one of us won’t let the other in on her top-secret secrets.
Sure. Partners. Is that the word now?
I’m a Catholic. We love euphemisms.
Oh, look. There’s Frampus.
Fine looking woman, eh?
Her face looks like it’s falling off.
Well, what do you expect?
Her boss threw her into the fire.
[suspenseful music playing]
Something in the buttermilk ain’t clean.
[“National Anthem of Switzerland” playing]
Hello?
Uh, maybe they’re closed?
[Maxine] Hello?
[clerk] Sorry about the wait.
Only one man on deck. Me. Borg.
Everyone else took off for the Frampus weekend.
Yes, we’ve heard.
You’re going to the whore broom burning tonight?
Yours truly is master of ceremonies.
I-I’m sorry. [stammers] From down here you… you are the spitting image of…
My brother. Benny.
You’re Benny Barnhill’s twin brother?
We’re a mirror image identical.
Twins? I’m a twin.
Oh, gosh. Isn’t it wonderful?
It’s like, two hearts beating as one.
I haven’t talked to that arschloch in 40 years.
[Maxine] Oh.
[chuckles] Thank you.
[inhales sharply] Hello. Dinah Donahue.
My fiancé, Axel Rosenhips, is recently deceased and we would like to visit his safety deposit box.
Rightyo.
And let me guess.
The rest of you are here for the baby verification, right?
Looks good! She’s pregnant!
[Borg chuckles]
[Maxine] Oh!
[Douglas] That’s it?
Oh, no, of course not.
Safety deposit boxes are upstairs.
Everybody else, join me at my big desk.
[stammers] But… Um…
Big desk.
[Mitzi] Oh.
Oh.
Oh!
The… The stairs.
It must be that desk.
Oh. Okay.
[Borg] Yah, yah, yah.
Nein, nein, nein…
Okay. So, it looks like we just need the signature of the ex-wife so that she can release her claim on the funds, and then we can, as you Americans say, get this zeigen on the road.
Okay, okay. That’s me.
Hello. Ex-wife, ready to sign.
Birth certificate?
[Maxine] Oh. Yes, there you go.
No grandparents, no parents, no kids, dead twin.
[Borg] Oh! Eh…
There is no Maxine Horton on the claim.
We need the signature of a…
Penelope Rollins.
What?
Why?
We were never married, only engaged.
Well, her name was added as a beneficiary at some point.
[Dinah] Okay, moment of truth.
Huh?
Nothing.
Oh…
Nothing?
And I assume you need her signature before you can release the funds, correct?
That is correct.
Unless all parties have signed by midnight on the hundredth year of the trust’s endowment, it becomes the property of the Swiss Government.
[Dinah] Oh, God! Oh, God!
I’m going to have the worst reputation in Palm Beach for centuries! Oh, my God!
[Perry] All right. Okay.
I’m certain I’m gonna certainly regret asking this, but when is that hundredth anniversary?
Tomorrow.
Geez.
Tomorrow…
[Borg] There you go.
Oh, thank you…
[Perry] Wait, wait, wait.
What?
“Sometimes I wake in the dead of night to see Agnes staring at me.
I swear she’s planning something horrid.”
So this means none of us get any money?
[sighs] Well…
This was all for nothing!
Not nothing, but not 82 million dollars.
[stammers] Well, let me think.
So Linda is still in Poland…
[grunts] …currently on tour with the Bolshoi Ballet and…
Ladies!
Hello. I was wondering if your plane happened to be nearby?
[Ulla] Of course.
Um, would you mind if my ex-husband borrowed it to perform an act of economic heroism?
I’m not letting Mr. Big Stuff take off on my Strighund.
[both] What you need?
It’s a very, very dangerous mission.
It would require courage and… and death-defying female bravery.
Go on.
You would need to fly behind the Iron Curtain to extract a woman who was being forced to wash dance belts against her will.
Yes? Is that a yes?
[“Montegy Bay” playing]
Oh! Thank you very much, indeed. Mmm…
[sighs] There. All done.
Who does that look like?
Me?
Mamie Eisenhower.
Oh, my God.
[sighs] I’m in desperate need of another cocktail.
Would you mind?
[speaks Spanish] Ah, gracias.
[in English] For me?
Hello?
Urgent news.
I don’t have to sign the baby papers. Linda does.
Fuck a duck.
Now, now! You can keep that fowl a virgin.
I solved it.
I sent the two Swedish Stews over to Poland to fetch her, and she’ll be here by morn.
Wait a minute. You mean to tell me you knew where she was this whole time?
[sighs] I know. I’m sorry.
It was a secret that I was keeping before we made our pact.
Listen, she’s gonna get here and sign the pap…
Oh, fudge!
I just realized I had to show my birth certificate.
How are we gonna prove that Linda is who we say she is?
Well, Linda was born here.
There’s gotta be a record of it somewhere.
I’ll talk to that old Lotte coot.
Good thinking, pal.
Have you told Eddie yet?
The watch will have to suffice.
If it makes you feel any better, uh, I have been contemplating having an affair with my ex-husband.
You cannot do that, Maxine.
Well… [scoffs] Well, why?
[stammers] Because if Mitzi finds out, she’ll divorce him and then no one gets any money?
Yes, and also it’s bad.
Bad things come from bad things.
Look at Frampus.
It’s true.
Oh, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I mean, he’s about to have a child with another woman.
[sighs]
Would it change things if he wasn’t, um, having a child with a… another woman?
Of course.
I mean, I’m happy for him, I guess.
In some way.
I don’t know. It’s complicated.
Yes, it is.
Just do what I say and do not have sex, Maxine. I mean it.
Thank you.
[sighs]
Your drink, my lady.
Oh.
I’m so sorry, darling.
I’m going to have to take it on the run.
I’ve got pressing business to attend to regarding our future.
But you enjoy yourself.
What?
[sighs]
What about our whore brooms?
I don’t understand.
How did Evelyn get my picture?
She found it in my wallet.
Which fell out of my pants because I was having sex with her.
You had sex with Evelyn?
Hey! I’m just doing what I have to do.
I’m fucking playing dress-up with a fucking crazy lady who thinks I’m a ghost.
I’m doing my part. You do yours.
[gasps] I’m having a baby!
Is that not sufficient, Jed?
Kill Evelyn.
I can’t do that.
I’m pregnant.
[Mary] Oh, bootlegger!
I’m ready for my bubble bath.
Do what I said or don’t come home.
We weren’t supposed to hurt people.
[“Ne t’en vas pas” playing]
[no audible dialogue]
[Douglas speaking French]
[in English]
Grasshopper togo, my good fellow.
[Perry] Oh, stag brother!
Prepare to reclaim your birthright!
James and Jenna Bond have your proof!
The real Norma wrote my Axel all about her creepy roommate, Agnes, who, guess what, was plotting something horrid.
I knew it!
Oh, I did it! I saved the day.
Actually, we did.
Hit the slopes? Mmm.
Da. Good luck!
“Dearest Axel, Agnes is at it again.”
And she’s always lurking in the shadows, like some sort of ghost.
She’s usually quite peculiar.
In many ways, her behavior has taken a turn that is more unsettling.
I do not know what to do.”
[Robert sighs] What a beautiful day, man. Incredible.
You should take a trip down the bunny slope. Powder is sublime.
What are you wearing?
My Dellacorte ski jacket.
Every Dellacorte man has one.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
First you steal my house.
Then you steal my identity.
I will not let you steal my Dellacorte ski jacket.
This one’s mine, not yours.
[groaning]
What, do you have something in your throat?
[groaning]
Dinah, did you hear that?
Oh, God. Is that the…
Call of my mighty stag brother.
[sighs] I must go to him. I’m dutybound.
Fine. Go. I’ll wait.
‘Tis time, Brother.
Time for what?
‘Tis time.
I, hereby, challenge you to a stag duel.
Right here, right now, in the snow.
Be prepared to be charged…
You don’t want this, man.
…then rutted, then charged again.
But I went to war. I have my tactics.
Tactics?
[growls]
Easy, easy, easy.
[growling]
[exclaims, grunts]
[Perry] I heard your call, Brother!
[howls, groans]
[grunts]
[crowd gasps]
[Perry groans]
[both groaning]
You all right there, stags?
[groaning continues]
See you later.
You may have won this battle… but you sure will not win the war.
[grunting]
Don’t’ worry about me. I’m fine.
[banging on door]
[Douglas] Max, open the door! It’s me.
[Maxine] Oh, Douglas!
I can’t have you storming my castle.
I promised Evelyn I wouldn’t!
[Douglas] Well, I think you will change your mind when you see what I am carrying.
I have proof that Norma isn’t Norma.
Proof…
All right, just get in here.
What is it?
Can we have sex now?
Proof first.
Okay.
I have in my pocket a packet of letters that proves that not only does Agnes exist, but she is most likely a murderer.
What?
What?
They’re gone.
I must’ve switched jackets with Robert when I was ramming him on the mountain.
What?
Forgive me, how long have you worked here?
Oh! [chuckles] Since the convent days…
Mmhmm.
…through the war times, through the neonatal times, right up to the ski chalet times.
Oh…
So, you were here when it was a hospital?
Oh, the glory days.
You wouldn’t have any records from those times?
Birth certificates, perhaps?
Excuse me!
[gasps, chuckles]
Well, how are you finding Switzerland?
Well, it seems like wife has completely abandoned me on our honeymoon, but otherwise it’s going swimmingly.
Look, I’m sorry I gave your letters to Evelyn.
That was wrong of me, but I’d still really like to be your friend.
Ditto, pal.
And don’t sweat it.
Ooh, nice watch.
Evelyn gave it to me.
Did she?
Ride up with me.
[Lotte] Oh, you changed for dinner? Well, in Palm Beach we change for breakfast, lunch, martinis and dinner.
[sighs] How nice. I’ve been wearing the same shit for 40 years.
I go slow.
Knees aren’t what they used to be.
[Evelyn] You take your time.
I so appreciate your kindness.
[footsteps departing]
[breathes shakily]
[tense music playing]
May I tell you something… as a friend?
Yeah.
In Palm Beach, people only give a significant other fancy jewelry when it’s not a birthday or a holiday, for one reason…
What reason?
Guilt.
It’s an apology.
An apology for what?
Well, let me put it to you this way.
Perry has four.
[sad music playing]
I’m sorry.
I hope that was the right thing to do.
It was.
[Dinah] Marriage is hard, Eddie.
It’s really hard.
But if you love her, please give Evelyn a chance to explain.
I’ve been her, as you know…
[Eddie breathes shakily]
[sniffles]
Wanna ski down with me?
Can you keep up?
[both laugh]
[“Relentless Positivity” playing]
You whore…
[Evelyn] Cozy room you’ve got here.
[Lotte] Yeah, my little bird’s nest.
Rollins, you said, ya?
Penelope Rollins.
Her father’s name was Eugene, but everyone called him Skeet.
I think you loved this Skeet guy.
I can tell.
Another life. When I was just a Rollins.
Not that being a Rollins was simple.
But since then, I’ve tacked on so many names, I…
I fear I’m getting further and further from myself.
Live long enough as a woman and you will be many people along the way.
All of them will be you.
[sighs, chuckles]
That’s what I’m afraid of.
[Lotte] Racine, Roggles, Berth…
Oh, look. Here we are.
Rollins, Penelope.
[chuckles] Papa named Eugene.
Mama Linda?
[Evelyn] Yes, Penelope’s mother’s name was Linda.
Which is why she now calls herself Linda.
One life. So many names.
Yes.
Why don’t you stay up here for a little bit, ya? Be alone.
I think you might enjoy that.
I might, yes. Thank you.
[melancholic music playing]
I know you are out there, pretty thing.
You do not want to do whatever it is you are thinking of doing.
Let’s go get some grub, yeah?
[breathes shakily]
Yeah.
You know, back in the convent days, we nuns used to sneak around in the back halls, so the priests wouldn’t be tempted.
Jerks.
Yeah, jerks.
[door creaks]
[gasps]
Come. Sit by the fire.
I’ll go get the kid.
[whimsical music playing]
[water running]
He’s in the shower.
So what’s your plan?
Shoot…
What are you doing?
[Maxine grunts]
Where did you learn how to pick a lock?
Sister Immaculeti used to make me break into the priest’s candy vault…
Mmm. Of course.
…in the orphanage.
It’s all about getting the tongue in the right place.
[door unlocks]
[gasps] Got it!
[Mitzi] Oh, Norma.
I’ve become someone I don’t recognize.
Such is life.
Tell me everything.
[Mitzi] I’ve misled so many people.
People have been hurt.
[breathes shakily] And worse.
The idea of going back to Palm Beach for this big wedding of the season.
For what?
It’s a big, disgusting show.
You’re going to be a mother, Mitzi.
And a mother does what she must for her child.
You make it sound easy.
Switzerland was made for moments like this.
What is this?
A Catholic annulment.
You’ll be free of Douglas for good.
[Maxine whispering] Hurry up!
[water running]
[gasps] There they are!
What are you doing?
Taking back my Dellacorte ski jacket.
Stop being so churlish.
Just… Let’s go. Just leave it.
Come on.
[knocks on door]
[Lotte] I pressed your suit for dinner.
Go! Open the window! Go! Oh!
[door unlocks]
Woohoo!
[both grunt, exclaim]
Fancy! What’s the occasion?
This is a big, big night.
[chuckles] And what is your window doing open?
You’re going to catch your death.
Oh, please. You’re just angry because Father never loved you.
It’s because I knew his secret.
[Douglas screaming] What secret?
[scoffs]
[Maxine screams] He had a second family.
[“Flower-Power-Kleid” playing]
[both screaming]
[both grunt, scream]
[Maxine] Douglas! Oh!
[grunting]
[screaming]
[shouts indistinctly]
[music continues]
[both scream]
[grunting]
[grunts] [screams]
[both grunt]
[panting, screams]
Welcome to the Frampus whore broom burning!
[cackles]
[revelers chanting] Burn her! Burn her!
[cheering]
[both screaming]
[screaming continues] Max, Max!
You okay? [screams] Yeah. [screams] All right, it’s not funny anymore.
Come on!
All right. Fine.
Jesus.
[performer] Party poopers!
[revelers chanting] Burn her! Burn her!
“Agnes P. Moriarty.”
She’s buried here.
No.
[both] Norma’s buried here.
The real Norma!
[Maxine gasps]
Norma bones…
You said no one would find you here, Norma.
Mitzi’s my favorite, so I invited her.
You’re tempting fate.
Oh, pish.
I’ll keep her secret, Robert.
What are you up to?
[revelers chanting] Burn her!
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!
So, this is what vacation is like?
I can’t believe you won’t tell me about the Russian mole.
You need to drop it, Ann.
Sorry.
My restless inquiring mind is a curse.
[sighs]
[chuckles]
And I know you wanna tell me.
Aren’t we there yet as friends?
As partners in this adventure?
I can’t tell you. I’ll lose my job.
You hate your job.
You’re always saying how those people use you, and take you for granted.
And they don’t see you as a real person.
There’s a Russian mole in Palm Beach.
Someone with a direct line to the Kremlin.
This person is highly connected, and although their identity remains unknown, it is known they run in circles with Pinky and Raquel Kimberly-Marco.
However, the Marcos have gone missing ever since they got arrested by the IRS in a secret raid.
How do you feel?
Great. I thought I was gonna go crazy.
When you stay locked up inside yourself, it makes anyone crazy.
Like that loon Lotte.
You know why they made sexy girls go away to places like this back then, don’t you?
There’s Ann!
Ann, Virginia, come quick. Hurry.
There. Look.
[panting] Look.
“Agnes P. Moriarty. 1890 to 1905.”
She’s not alone.
[Maxine] Who’s Charlotte Moriarty?
“1865 to…”
There’s no death here.
Means she’s still alive.
And why were girls sent to this place?
If they were unmarried and pregnant.
[Maxine] Charlotte. That’s long for Lotte.
So Lotte is Norma’s…
[gasps]
Mother…
Fondue!
Sit down, Mama.
Mama?
[Norma] Yes. We’re all family here, or-or we could be.
You all need to eat your älpermagronen. It is winter here. You’re way too skinny.
Mitzi is being a very brave girl. She’s annulled her marriage to Douglas.
It takes a lot of courage, Mitzi.
However, there is the matter of the trust.
Eighty-two million smackeroos. Dinner?
You may. Yes, please. Thank you.
That is a lot of money just to leave sitting there.
[Norma] Well, I have no intention of letting it just sit. All you have to do, Mitzi, is marry a Dellacorte. You happen to know one, Robert?
Yeah, but I am not a Dellacorte.
[Norma] I adopted you. You’re my son.
But you are not a Dellacorte.
[Norma] I’ve been a Dellacorte longer than you’ve been alive. I say who I am, nobody else. I’ve earned this name, and nobody is going to take it from me, or from you. Shakespeare asked, “What’s in a name?” I think he thought a name had no inherent value, or meaning.
Bozo! He didn’t have 82 million bucks attached to his.
[Norma] The name Dellacorte saved my life, and now it’s going to save this poor unmarried girl. That money was never Douglas’. It was never Maxine’s. Hell… [chuckles] …it was never mine. [sighs] That money belongs to the child. What do you say, my boy? Do it for Mother.
I’m getting married in the morning.
Dingdong the bells are going to chime!
[Norma] Shut up, Mother.
[Eduardo] So this is where you’ve been hiding?
[Evelyn] Nope, not hiding. Ruminating.
[Eduardo] Anything you want to ruminate in my direction?
[Evelyn] In fact, um, there is. I… [clears throat] I… I don’t think that’s Douglas’ baby.
[Eduardo] I don’t believe it.
[Evelyn] I didn’t either, at first, but then I pressed Mitzi. And I’m telling you that beanpole is up to no good. She’s a clever little rat.
[Eduardo] Rat?
[Evelyn] I am working multiple lanes, baby. Meantime, Maxine has no idea, and I’m getting her to give me some of her half of the baby money to pay off the IRS. And then after Linda, yes, Linda gets here, my bet is dollars to donuts, one call to Interpol and we get our house back.
[Eduardo] [scoffs] Wow.
[Evelyn] And I did it all for us. For you.
[Eduardo] That all?
[Evelyn] Is that all? Isn’t that enough? [chuckling] Your wife is a genius…
[Eduardo] [screams] My wife is a snake!
[Evelyn] [panting]
[Eduardo] Was it Jed?
[Evelyn] Eddie. [sighs] Don’t do this. I-I love you.
[Eduardo] Happy honeymoon.
[Lotte] Krampus schnapps.
[people chattering]
[Lotte] Hot Krampus schnapps over here. Hot schnapps.
This your fountain of youth?
[Lotte] Perhaps.
Here’s mud in your eye.
[Lotte] Here’s mud in your eye.
Rough night?
That’s an understatement.
[Dinah] Perry… [chuckles]
I’ve been looking high and low for you.
I saw you being all chummy with your ex-boyfriend.
Perry, you are totally out of line.
[growls]
[Lotte] Come everyone, gather around the fireplace. I have a story to tell. Everybody come, gather around the fireplace. Quiet please.
[Virginia] Whatever you do, don’t tip her off that we know what we know. We have to keep her ignorant, and buttered up so she’ll spill.
[Lotte] Quiet. This is the history of Frampus told by me. Lotte. Frampus had a different name once, but that name has been forgotten to time. What we do know is that she was a smalltown girl with big city dreams. She found work as a scullery maid with Mr. and Mrs. Krampus. Now, I know that your Santy Claus is just a nice fat man, but our Krampus is not quite so cuddly. He’s covered in black fur. He has horns, and feet like a goat. Hard to believe that a man like this has an easy time with the ladies, but…
Women are easy, Lotte. Just ask this Frampus whore.
Well, then I curse you, Perry. I curse you like the witch whore that I am.
[Lotte] Hey! No more from the peanut gallery! So time passes. Frampus falls in love. She feels bad. She cares for Mrs. Krampus too. But her love for the horned man is fierce. It’s strong. It burns like a fire inside, getting stronger and stronger day by day. She makes a mistake, as humans are bound to do.
[door opens]
Your room service has arrived.
[Maxine] [chuckles] Perfect timing. Gosh, I really want to read this first letter.
We had fun today. Together.
Yes. Thank you. [sighs]
[Douglas] Mmm.
Okay, here we go.
[Lotte] But Mrs. Krampus finds out about their little secret. And, boy, is she mad.
“Dear Dad, I hope it’s okay that I call you that. I keep writing, but you never write me back.” Dear Dad? Oh, these can’t be from Norma. “I saw you in the papers after you were shot. I never thought I’d find you.” [whispers] Dad? [gasps] What? Well, these are all addressed to Robert!
[wheezing]
Douglas, what’s wrong?
[wheezes]
[Lotte] Her rage is so much that it threatens to destroy her. She decided to destroy poor Frampus instead. She threw lentils in front of the fire, and then she told Frampus to run and get her broom to clean it up. And then… Bam! She shoved her into the roaring flames.
[screams]
[Lotte] But what Mrs. Krampus doesn’t know is that she has infected Frampus with her rage.
[Douglas wheezes]
Douglas, what is it?
The schnapps. [groans]
[gasping] What?
Don’t drink the schnapps.
Douglas!
Norma’s mother gave me…
What? What?
[wheezing]
Douglas, what is it? What’s wrong? Douglas, talk to me.
[Lotte] The evil will be punished. The karma will come. Anyone who has done wrong will be struck down, and that is why I say beware the curse.
Max! [choking, coughs]
No, Douglas!
[Lotte] Beware the curse…
[grunting]
[Maxine screaming] No!
[Lotte] …of Frampus!
[Evelyn screaming]
[gasps]
[coughs, spits]
It’s Frampus!
[all screaming]
[coughs, gasps]
Oh, Douglas! Oh, no. Oh, no, Douglas.
[“Bim Doris De Heime” playing]
Help! Douglas! Oh, sweetie, no! What’s happening? [gasps]
[music ends]
[Robert] Goodbye again, Agnes.
[“Tut tut tut tut” playing]
