Palm Royale
Created by: Abe Sylvia
Based on: Mr. & Mrs. American Pie by Juliet McDaniel
Stars: Kristen Wiig (Maxine Dellacorte-Simmons), Ricky Martin (Robert Diaz), Josh Lucas (Douglas Darby Dellacorte-Simmons), Leslie Bibb (Dinah Donohue), Amber Chardae Robinson (Virginia), Laura Dern (Linda Shaw/Penelope Rollins), Allison Janney (Evelyn Rollins), Carol Burnett (Norma Dellacorte)
Premise: Set in 1969, outsider Maxine Dellacorte-Simmons (Kristen Wiig) strives to attain a place in the high society of Palm Beach, Florida, through the town’s most exclusive country club, the Palm Royale, in the process learning what she will and won’t do to achieve this.
Season 2 – Episode 7
Episode title: Maxine Plays Dead
Original air date: December 24, 2025 (Apple TV+)
Episode plot: Robert is torn between his best friend and his oldest friend. Dinah uncovers the source of her death threats.
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Palm Royale – S02E07 – Maxine Plays Dead | Transcript
[Ann] Though she spent just one season here, Palm Beach will never be the same after Maxine Dellacorte. The emotions felt by those who loved her must be larger than life and twice as loud.
[Virginia] Serial killers are known to attend their victims’ funerals, so your funeral is our best bet to catch Norma.
Until then, you need to sit down and sit still.
I can’t. I’m restless.
Mirabelle was my sister.
She deserves her own funeral.
I think this is… this is grotesque.
Agreed, especially the part about trapping Norma.
Disagreed, specifically on that point.
You know what’d be even more grotesque?
Your body, if Norma finds you.
[Ann] Tomorrow, we bury Maxine.
[door closes]
May she find the peace that eluded her in life.
Guide me, oh, spirit.
[sniffles] Why have you abandoned me in my hour of need?
I’m a hostage in my own home.
[Ann] Until her killer, Norma Dellacorte, is brought to justice.
[Norma] You’re out of cereal.
[gasps, sighs]
[Ann] May justice be done for the sake of Maxine’s memory and our safety.
[elevator bell dings]
Dinah, what on earth are you doing here?
Identifying the body. [sighs] Douglas can’t bring himself to do it. You?
I was Maxine’s conservator.
It’s fallen to me to sign her out.
One last time. [sighs] So selfless of you. It’s almost as selfless as throwing her funeral.
A dead socialite in a pool?
Tragedy rubberneckers from Orlando to Okahumpka will come just to say they were there.
It’s just what the Palm Royale needs to stay afloat after finding Maxine…
[stammers] …afloat.
Will you please go in there with me?
[elevator bell dings]
[sighs]
[Ann] Ladies.
[Evelyn] Ann, what are you doing here?
Maxine was my friend.
But I’m just here as a member of the press to verify the identification.
At least that’s what I’m telling myself.
[Evelyn sighs]
How’s that working for you?
No comment.
[chewing] Stop eating!
I’m “griefting.”
“Griefting”?
Grief eating. For Mirabelle and for me.
I’m “griefting” for two.
Douglas must be devastated.
Stop talking about Douglas, Maxine.
I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
You always take her side anyway.
Because Norma didn’t kill Mirabelle thinking it was you.
At least Douglas didn’t try to poison or drown me, like your sweet Norma.
The way Douglas treats you, that’s not love.
If Tom did to me what Douglas did to you, oof!
Tom is. The only difference is you can’t get pregnant, Mitzi.
[Robert sighs]
Hey, Virginia said we can’t leave!
[gasps]
[people chattering]
[Maxine] I know what that means!
[Evelyn]
We’ve all seen dead bodies before.
[Dinah] I haven’t seen a dead body.
[Evelyn] Oh, wow.
Oh!
Oh, God. It’s ghastly.
Oh, what’s that smell?
Oh, God.
Oh, they are so dramatic.
[Dinah] I don’t like that.
All right, we’ve gotta turn around.
[Ann] We must.
Okay, on-on… on the count of three.
Okay.
Okay.
One, two, three.
What does she look like?
No.
Did you look?
Didn’t do it.
No. Oh, God. I can’t do this.
I can’t.
Oh, God.
Is this necessary?
[Dinah] Do we have to?
You have to.
Okay. One, two, three… three point five… four.
That’s not Maxine.
That is not her.
What?
[both] No, that’s not her.
I’m not sure who this is, but this is not our friend, so… so…
Are you sure?
Good luck with the, um…
Come out.
Get out of the room.
[sighs] God.
I’m coming! The woman died!
[sighs]
Round them up, sequester them somewhere safe, and make sure no one else sees this body. No one.
Yes, ma’am. [sighs]
[people chattering]
Hey, mama! What are you doing sneaking around up there?
They got some good burgers here, right?
Those weren’t for me.
I-I-I’m staying with the, uh, attractive but brooding gentleman.
What are you two doing squirreled away up there?
[chuckles] No one’s supposed to see me.
I’m dead. I’m sorry, Mister…
My friends call me Bruce, and your secret’s safe with me, Miss…
Maxine, um… Just Maxine.
[gasps]
Oh, my God!
Are you the dead socialite with the funeral tomorrow?
Maxine Dellacorte?
You know who I am?
Oh, this is bad.
Oh, this is so beyond bad.
This is… This is a tragedy.
This is Carmen.
I-I really can’t have another person crying over me.
No, I’m not. A very close “friend” of mine from out of town is supposed to attend your funeral tomorrow, but if you’re alive, then…
Well, I guess he’s not coming to Palm Beach after all.
I’m not supposed to tell you this, but… [sighs] …great news.
The funeral’s actually still on.
You better get down here to this hot tub right now.
What? Oh.
Come to the tub! Come to the tub!
Come on! Come to the tub! Come to the tub!
Come to the tub! Come to the tub!
Okay.
She’s coming! She’s coming to the tub!
I’m comin’! I’m comin’!
Get on down here, mama!
Let’s go! Grand entrance!
Give it up for dead Maxine, everybody!
[Mitzi] I don’t wanna do this.
The funeral, the big wedding, the constant public humiliation.
Promise me once the baby is born…
[sighs] …I won’t have to jump through any more hoops or loops…
[sniffles] …or ex-wife funerals.
I promise.
We just have to fly to Switzerland first.
Why are we flying to Switzerland?
To s-sew up the-the baby trust with the bank.
I-I-It’s a paperwork thing. I-I’m sorry, I-I-I should have told you earlier.
[Perry] Dinah!
Norma sent another note!
[sighs]
Where’s Dinah?
She went to the morgue.
Not if I can help it.
The literal morgue, Perry.
She just went there to identify Max’s body for me.
“I’m coming for you.
I’ll see you at the funeral.”
I shouldn’t have let her go in my place.
Better find Dinah before Norma does.
I’ll come with you.
Okay.
Ah, fuck. I gotta get changed first.
Do not leave me here alone, Douglas.
You’re carrying the Dellacorte heir.
Norma would never hurt you.
[Maxine] I found out I had a twin sister and her name was Mirabelle, and this woman, Norma, who is my husband’s… ex-husband’s aunt, she tried to kill me, thinking it was me, but she ended up killing Mirabelle.
[chuckles] I love you.
[chuckles]
You’re the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met.
You’re like Doris Day if she wasn’t such a big jerk.
[gasps] Thank you.
I’ve told ex-lovers of mine they’re gonna miss me when I’m gone, but you?
You actually get to see your ex-husband missing you.
You get to hear the tears, see the rending of garments.
Shoot, I’m not gonna be able to see any of that.
Well, Maxine, I do have a car.
Oh, I really would love to see him cry.
Did we just become best friends that are about to spy on our men?
I think so.
Let’s go!
Maxine, everybody!
[phone ringing]
Excuse me, I need to speak to Agent Trainee Tom Sanka about the murder of Maxine Dellacorte.
Tom Sanka no longer works here.
What?
[Perry] Why does the FBI care nothing about the endangered wives of Palm Beach?
[Douglas] Robert?
[agent] Why would Norma Dellacorte wanna kill your wife?
[Perry] Because Norma knows that Dinah knows that Norma killed Axel Rosenhips.
[Douglas] I can’t believe that she’s gone. [cries, sniffles] This is so fucked, man.
That’s so true, brother. So true.
My wife, a potential future First Lady of Palm Beach, is receiving death threats from the same killer who put this sad sack’s exwife in the morgue across town.
And?
[Perry] And we allowed my wife to identify the dead body of his ex-wife, and now my wife is in danger.
If you don’t hear from her in 24 hours, you can come back here and report her missing.
Look at him. Look at him, this sad husk of a human.
The morgue told us that no one could see his ex-wife on the orders of the FBI.
No one else sees her until the funeral.
You’re gonna keep her on ice, when I know best what her wishes were?
Shame on you.
[Perry] It’s a doozy, Dougboat.
No doubt about it. A doozy.
Maxine wouldn’t wanna be on display like some ornamental fern.
[Douglas sighs]
She always said that if she went first, she’d want her ashes to be scattered in the wind from my biplane.
Hey, uh…
Do you need a… a hug?
[Douglas] Yeah.
[Perry] Oh.
That’s it.
[crying] Sorry. [sniffles] Ah, don’t worry about that.
God… [sniffles] I just wanna be able to honor her.
You know, honor her in a way that I couldn’t in life.
Ah, I got to get back to Mitzi. [sighs] Let me drive you.
No, thanks, man. I’ll… I’m gonna walk.
[sighs]
Gosh, I really hope I didn’t miss Douglas.
I wanna see him wail.
Listen, who is the mystery man coming to my funeral?
This is not a Japanese decorative pond.
Do not be coy.
I can’t. He’s well known. Famous.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay, well, you can tell me.
I’m dead, remember?
Oh, please just give me a hint.
Okay, just a hint.
Okay.
Okay.
A boulder, plus a body of water in New York.
No?
No.
Okay, um…
Doris Day’s best friend.
[gasps] Tony Randall?
No, but he’s around.
Okay, it rhymes with Sock Sudson.
Rock… [gasps] Rock Hudson’s coming to my funeral?
[shushes] Stop!
He’d be ruined if it got out.
Oh, my gosh.
That’s so exciting. Oh.
Yes!
Oh, my God. I swear to God, it’s like a fairy tale.
Oh, my goodness.
In that I never know if it’s real.
The other guys think I made him up.
If it’s real to you, then who cares what the world thinks.
It doesn’t matter if he’s a movie star or, well, an exhusband.
Yeah, back to you.
Why, if he’s your ex-husband, do you keep coming back?
[Maxine sighs]
Do you promise you won’t judge me, or tell me to let it go, or make me list all of his transgressions in detail?
Who do you think I am?
[Maxine] Okay.
You can’t go back to a man you never left.
And Mirabelle, the twin sister I just found out I had, I told her the big secret that Douglas was the only man that I would ever love.
And then he confessed to her his love for her, which he thought was me, and then Mirabelle died.
I know, it’s a lot to process.
Yeah.
You haven’t had time to grieve your sister or your marriage.
You are very wise.
We’re a wise people.
Yes.
[Maxine gasps]
[Maxine] Speaking of grieving.
Is that the new one?
Gosh, yes.
I hate to see a chic girl cry.
[Maxine sighs]
[Maxine] Here.
[grunts]
Stop. What are you doing?
I can’t watch someone cry, even if it’s her.
That was the whole point.
We came to watch people cry.
I have done everything you told me to… but I can’t do it anymore.
You said no one would get hurt. [sobs]
[screams]
What happened?
[Maxine] She fainted.
Is Agent Sanka here?
Tom left, Robert.
I am so sorry.
I would never do anything to hurt him, and if I’d known he’d lose his job…
He didn’t. J. Edgar Hoover himself has taken an interest.
A transfer was offered, and I insisted he take it before something bad could happen.
Again.
I don’t know what rules you live by in Palm Beach, but some things aren’t for you, including my husband.
We have children together.
Do you know what that’s like?
[sighs]
Of course you don’t.
Can you tell him I said goodbye?
Please.
Yes, I can… but I won’t.
[breathing heavily]
[groans]
[Maxine] Do you think she’s okay?
What about the baby?
You think the baby’s okay?
She’s akimbo on the wall to wall.
This is how I spent my 20s. She’s fine.
Well, let’s get her to the bed.
Yeah.
You get heads, I’ll get tails.
I’ll try to keep her hair nice.
Oh.
Okay, from the knees.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
One, two, three, alleyoop. [sighs] Step. Two…
[sighs] Protect the head.
Okay.
Okay. Gorgeous.
[mouthing] Wow.
[sighs] Really scared her, didn’t I?
You are literally haunting the woman who stole your husband.
Golly, that is sweet revenge.
[chuckles]
Should we let her stew in it a bit longer?
Yeah, let’s go back to the hot tub and do some old-fashioned gloating.
[chuckling] Sleep tight, Mitzi.
I actually used to think minestrone was boring, but I don’t think that anymore.
I used to feel that way about chowder.
Oh, my gosh. Soup sisters. [chuckles] Soup sisters. [chuckles] Where in the literal fuck have you been?
[Maxine] Oh, um…
I went to see Douglas.
Just-Just to soothe his grief over my alleged death, but don’t worry, he did not see me.
But Mitzi did, and she thinks Maxine’s a ghost.
Who are you?
Oh, sorry, manners.
This is Bruce, my new best friend.
He’s gay.
Maybe don’t tell people that.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Okay, look, one of two things are gonna happen.
Either you stay dead and we catch Norma, or the next funeral in Palm Beach will actually be yours.
Nobody else can see you.
There’s only so many women this gay motel can hold.
There’s other women here?
[sighs]
Nothing Norma could inflict on us would be worse than this room.
I do like the bedspread.
Not after you read the comments in the guest book.
Ugh.
[Ann] Hmm.
[pop music playing on radio softly]
I’ll sleep in the bathtub.
[Ann] Ugh.
[Dinah sighs] You might wanna rethink that.
What?
[sighs] Hi, pals.
[Evelyn] Maxine?
I am so glad you’re alive.
[Ann sighs] Now I can kill you myself.
I will explain everything to you a-a-and answer all of your questions.
But can we do it downstairs in the Jacuzzi?
See, my new gay best friend, Bruce, he’s invited us all to a pool party.
Jacuzzi mixer, he called it.
The guest book calls it egg drop soup.
Virginia said nobody can see us.
We can’t go cavorting in a Jacuzzi.
I am a target, Maxine.
These men are very discreet.
Why would we go to a gay party with you?
Because in the wake of tragedy, the only thing we have is community.
And there are no minibars and they have tons of booze.
[clicks tongue] Now you’re talking.
[whispers] Yay. Come.
You know, you should have led with that.
[Ann] I don’t know how I’m gonna write about this, but…
Ooh, white hanky, that means they just like to watch and stroke it together.
[pop music plays on speakers]
Oh.
Do you ever stroke it?
Uh, I have. [chuckles] Not my favorite thing to do.
Oh.
It’s more attitude that makes a bear a bear.
And their general interest in nipples.
I panic every time, and I just can’t do it, and I feel like…
[Dinah] What?
I’m broken.
You just have to relax and learn how to relax into your breathing.
Do you have access to a bidet?
Wait…
Do you and your husband…
Perry says it reminds him of boarding school.
[chuckles] Oh, hey now, we’re not all sex-crazed perverts.
That would be the pigs.
I see.
And what kind of a man would a whale be?
I’m a blower.
[gasps] I love that.
Light blue. Light blue, left pocket.
This is stunning.
Do you know that I was the inspiration for the roommate in The Bell Jar?
[gasps]
Gosh, I just love all your pals.
I mean, come on.
Thanks for including us and making us feel welcome.
Well, it’s not totally selfless.
Cops won’t raid a party with women.
Mmm.
[Virginia] What are you doing?
Out here looking folks in the eyes, telling people about your own funeral.
Bruce invited us all to a party.
Oh, everyone, this is Virginia!
She’s a federal agent.
[record scratch]
[music stops]
Ladies, do you mind joining me for a private chat?
This woman is like the plague.
Oh, God. Get rid of her. [chuckles] Feel better.
Thanks. [sighs]
[Virginia] Ladies, nothing can go wrong tomorrow.
Evelyn, you’re in charge of the funeral while Dinah will sit in the pew and wait.
For what? For Norma to kill me?
Will I at least get a security detail or a b-bullet-proof vest?
Discretion is key. Y’all can’t tell nobody about this thing, not even your husbands.
Great. And then you and I will be in the balcony together where we’ll, you know, surveil the premises.
I think it’s best for you to attend the services, Ann.
Providing credibility as press.
But this was our case.
We were working it together.
Yeah, well, it’s the FBI’s case now.
I got complete buyin for once.
Your staff is to proceed as instructed.
May I point out that, like Dinah, there is zero upside in my participation here?
Okay. And-And what about me?
[chuckles] What’s my role?
Your sister is playing your role.
I have to go to my own funeral.
I need to see Norma’s capture.
I must be there.
I’ll see you all tomorrow.
[Maxine sighs] Except Maxine.
[Maxine] Oh. Well, look who it is.
Boys. Boys, I-I have a question for you.
If your best friend was almost killed by an old lady, and that same old lady accidentally killed her twin sister instead, whose side would you be on, huh?
Your best friend’s or the mean old lady’s?
Yours!
Thank you, Bruce.
See?
[Robert] I saw Douglas.
He’s not taking your death well.
Even I feel bad for him, but don’t let it spoil your fun with your new friends.
[melancholy music playing]
[Maxine laughing]
Me? [laughs]
[people laughing]
[Bruce] Seriously.
You ever had something called…
[speaks indistinctly]
[Maxine] Yes!
[Bruce laughs] That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard…
Well, I was just… from a male friend.
[Maxine chuckling]
It doesn’t! [chuckles]
[Bruce] Oh, my God.
All right. I mean, look, a picture, a portrait, but…
[Evelyn] What in the world?
Excuse me, you’re not allowed in here.
You can’t take those.
What do… [stammers] Put those down!
[stammers] Hello?
Virginia, get your officers out of my office.
[Virginia] It’s out of my jurisdiction.
What’s that saying about death and taxes?
Not even the FBI can stop a federal audit.
Taxes? You mean, I…
[Virginia] I told you and Maxine to let me handle Pinky.
But no, you had to call the IRS.
They showed up last night.
Where were you? You never came to bed.
Well… [scoffs] [mouthing] No, no.
Late night funeral prep.
This is the biggest event of the season.
Insomnia.
I thought this might help, ma’am.
With your grief…
[sighs] …and the IRS.
Jed, thank you.
You don’t ask how to help, you just do it.
I like that.
Oh.
Why don’t you go clean the pool, Jed?
[Virginia] Actually, I’m gonna need Jed on door duty.
This is still an active murder scene, so we’re gonna need extra security.
Ma’am, we have a major problem.
It’s hard enough grieving my sister I’ve only known for as long as I’ve known you.
Hmm.
But the event of the offseason, in my honor, and I can’t even go.
You have to report back to me in full detail. Preferably written.
I’m not going.
What? We both can’t not go.
Rock sent a note.
“Too much publicity.
Rendezvous rescheduled.”
He said he’d call after, but…
[scoffs] …not getting my hopes up.
If you want to make a man hear you, you’ve got to make a man see you.
Some advice.
Don’t take her advice, especially if it’s about men.
And where are you off to with that fancy suitcase?
I’m going to your fake funeral to give a fake eulogy as a fake American hero.
I hear you. Fake. But what’s with the bag?
Well, I’m taking this to Norma just in case she gets arrested.
You know what it’s like, Maxine.
To be stripped from your dignity, tossed in a cell and stuffed into a paper gown.
Well, at least I didn’t kill my sister!
That middle finger again.
Ugh, let’s blow this joint.
[Bruce] Yeah.
[mysterious music playing]
Wow. You are very good at this, Bruce.
[laughs] You should have seen me outside the Ice Station Zebra premiere.
Oh.
By the way, look at that one.
She’s devastated.
Oh.
Yeah, her plastic surgeon, he’s a heavy drinker.
I always say if she sneezes, she might look like a basset hound.
[Bruce snorts]
Terrible. [laughs] [laughs] Oh, look who just zipped up on his Vespa.
Ugh.
Oh, my God. It’s him.
[Maxine] Who?
My Rock.
[gasps] Ugh. And he’s with Reagan.
The governor of California?
[Bruce] No, his wife.
She’s Rock’s best Judy.
I think her name’s Nancy.
You have a lot to learn.
Nancy learned a lot from me too.
She can fit a golf ball through a garden hose now thanks to me.
[Bruce sighs]
[Maxine gasps] Oh, gosh.
Mirabelle’s in there and I’m sitting here talking about movie stars and golf balls.
I need to give her a proper goodbye.
I’m going in.
Maxine, you’ll never get in through the front door.
If there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s sneak into the Palm Royale.
[Bruce sighs]
And you are still invited to my funeral.
They’ll never let me in dressed like this.
[pants] Wish me luck.
Good luck, Maxine.
Promise me you’ll make him see you.
[golf cart departs]
[dramatic music playing]
[people chattering]
[door closes]
[exhales sharply]
Oh.
Oh, Mirabelle. [sighing] I just had to see you one more time.
I’m gonna assume your head’s over here.
[breathing shakily]
You know, I’ve always wanted a family of my very own. [sighs] And I just want you to know I…
I cherished every second we had together.
[sobbing]
I’m gonna miss you, my little buttercup. [laughs]
[sniffles]
[breathes shakily]
Where in hell’s bells is Mirabelle?
[door opens, closes]
[Virginia] I understand your concerns.
And can I, um…
[Maxine gasps] Jeesy chreesy.
[comedic music playing]
I can’t believe we’re going through with this shit.
Everyone out there believes Maxine is in that casket when she’s actually in a hot tub with her new gay best friend.
If it makes you feel any better, there’s nobody in the coffin.
[Mitzi] I can’t go.
The whole town thinks I’m the one who killed Maxine.
[Douglas] No, we all know that Norma is the one who killed her.
They think I killed her spirit.
That’s why she’s haunting me.
That’s just your guilty conscience playing tricks on you. It’ll pass.
She was at our back door. I’m telling you.
[sobbing] I can’t go to the funeral and see her body.
I may never see my wife again, but here’s yours.
[Douglas] What is this?
Maxine.
[gasps, breathes heavily] As per the grieving wishes of you, my Stag brother.
Scatter away.
Apparently, Perry Donahue went down to the morgue and threw a temper tantrum until they agreed to cremate the body.
This town is so fucked up.
And you know who the most fucked up of them all is?
Maxine. I can’t believe I have to eulogize someone that I actually want to kill.
[Virginia] Just get through today.
Norma is in Palm Beach.
You know she won’t be able to stay away.
I appreciate your persistence, Mirabelle, whoever you are.
But until I find my bootlegger, I won’t be delivering any messages today.
Oh, you’ll be delivering a message, Mary.
I know. As soon as the processional starts, I make my move and then you…
Don’t worry about me.
You do your part and I’ll take care of the rest.
And once that’s done, I’ll be free?
We’ll all be free.
Come on, Norma.
Show yourself.
[classical music playing]
[Maxine] Rock Hudson.
He’s even cuter up close.
Now, as soon as the ceremony is under way, I want you to head out back and start scrubbing.
Nobody’s going to want to swim in a pool with pieces of Maxine’s decomposing body floating about.
Right away, ma’am.
Hey. Hey.
Do you want to talk?
No, I do not want to talk.
I want Jed to clean the rotting flesh out of the pool.
Oh, gosh.
Happy Rockefeller.
And as I live and breathe, Babe Paley.
Oh.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
[panting]
Dinah, I thought you were a goner.
Oh. Perry, not now. Not now.
[breathing shakily] Oh.
Norma could be anywhere.
I don’t want to draw attention to myself.
You have no idea what I’ve been through.
And now Maxine is gone.
Get your shit together, Perry.
[Maxine] Gee, Perry. I didn’t think we knew each other that well. Hmm.
Are you wearing a bulletproof vest?
Two. [sniffles] I took yours when I thought you weren’t coming.
Just give it to me right now.
Give it to me.
I can’t give it to you right now. Wait.
You don’t have the balls to protect me.
I am just gonna have to protect myself.
Wait. Where are you going?
The only place a woman can truly feel safe in this world.
The ladies’ room.
Thank you very much.
Excuse me.
See, they’re all looking at me.
And so is Maxine.
She’s following me.
And she’s right too.
I’ve been terrible to her.
I promise you, Maxine is on the counter where we left her.
No, she’s not. She’s right there!
Well, if she’s in there, then whose ashes do we have?
Someone’s in the kitchen at Dinah’s.
[Virginia] I am so sorry.
There must have been a mix-up with the cremains, but I can assure you there’s no one in that coffin.
See, Mitz? It’s all fine.
Come on.
[Mitzi sighs]
[Evelyn] Welcome, friends.
I can hardly believe this is happening.
It all feels so terribly unreal.
I can’t help but feel somehow that Maxine is just gonna turn up one day.
And yet here we are, saying our final farewell to Maxine.
Who knows what her last name is now?
Maxine came to us as an outsider…
[Douglas breathing heavily]
…but she worked and wormed her way into our hearts and burrowed in like a…
[sucks on teeth] …like a barnacle…
[gasps] A barnacle?
…that clung on to a piece of driftwood and could not be scraped off.
[suspenseful music playing]
[Evelyn] Oh, no, no, no. Mary.
Mary, stop right there.
[Evelyn sighs]
Mary.
Mary, what are you do…
[Evelyn sighs]
I have a message for Maxine from the other side.
So, if you all would just give us a moment of privacy…
No, no, no. Don’t do it, Mary. Mary!
[screaming]
No, no, no, no. I just need a minute. I need a minute.
[crying]
[funeral attendees murmuring]
What the fuck?
Someone named Mirabelle came to me.
And she says… don’t worry about her.
She’s having a lot of fun.
And she loves you.
And I’m not sure what this part means, but she said, “There’s lots of man rods in Heaven.”
[Evelyn] All right, Mary.
Oh.
That’s quite enough from the spirit world for today.
Now we’ll continue with the service.
Actually, I do have another message to deliver.
[Evelyn] No. Off stage right, Mary.
[sobbing] I know what you’re all thinking.
That I shouldn’t even be here… [sobs] …much less speak, but I’m gonna.
[Douglas sniffles]
[Perry clears throat]
[sniffles]
[sniffles] Maxine and I were married for 20 years.
And I loved her.
[sobs] And Maxine, I just want you to know that I am so sorry for everything that I have done.
I don’t know if you chose me or I chose you.
Or if love is just something that happens when two people choose each other at the same moment.
[sniffles] Like a bargain.
And that beautiful, fragile bargain, that may only happen once for a person…
Jesus. [cries] …could last a lifetime.
[sniffles]
If both people keep believing in the singularity of that magic.
[crying]
I’m so sorry.
Doug!
I’m so sorry I let you down.
[Perry] Okay. Okay.
[crying] Oh, how deeply maudlin.
[Douglas crying]
[Evelyn] If anyone else has the urge to express themselves, please have the good sense to repress it.
We will now resume the scheduled eulogy delivered by Maxine’s dearest friend, patriot, warrior, American hero, Mr. Robert Diaz.
[crying]
I don’t know about y’all, but I can’t bear to look at her.
[crying]
If Maxine were here with us today, she would want us to move on with our lives.
Yes.
She wouldn’t want us to get stuck in sentimental stories or touching anecdotes.
No, I love touching anecdotes.
Maxine, contrary to popular opinion, she was a very private person.
I was?
So, I’m gonna ask you all to make a solemn pact where we don’t talk about Maxine ever again.
Life is too fucking short.
[funeral attendees murmuring]
Thank you. [inhales deeply] And, uh, now before the Palm Royale waitstaff brings Maxine to her… eternal resting place on thethe ninth hole, won’t you join me in singing Maxine’s favorite song, honoring her hometown, Chattanooga?
[cries] Okay. All right.
The lyrics are on the backside of your prayer cards.
[“Chattanooga Choo Choo” plays]
[singer] ♪ Hello railroad ♪
♪ Is this the railroad? ♪
♪ I want a one way ticket
Down to Tennessee ♪
♪ I’m leaving immediately
Chattanooga, here I come ♪
♪ Pardon me, boys
Is that the Chattanooga Choo Choo? ♪
[toilet flushes]
[Dinah sighs]
♪ Boy, you can give me a shine ♪
[music continues softly]
[Dinah] Marjorie Merriweather Post.
[chuckles] How’s the mayoral campaign, Dinah?
I must admit it is a terrifying time to be in politics.
Ever since my speech at your square dance, someone’s been threatening to unleash the dogs on us.
[barks]
[growling]
[barks]
[door opens, creaks]
You… are the one that’s been sending the threatening letters?
But why?
Because you took my Dick.
I’m sorry?
My Dick.
Richard Milhous Nixon.
My little Ricky.
My little Dickie.
My little droopy dog cutie pie.
Oh… [stammers] …I am so sorry.
I didn’t realize that you and the president were so close.
Of course you didn’t.
[singer] ♪ Then to have your ham
And eggs in Carolina ♪
♪ When you hear the whistle blowing
Eight to the bar ♪
♪ Then you know
That Tennessee is not very far ♪
♪ Shovel all the coal in ♪
The only way for a woman to have power in this world is to obtain three things.
A butt load of money, a butt load of guns and the ear of the most powerful man in the country.
I’ve been seeing after Dick’s needs for decades.
I’m the one that always made sure that his milk was lukewarm and his saltines were cold.
Whatever he needed, I provided.
How very nurturing of you.
I know. I’m a saint.
Unfortunately, some little hippie tried to kill him.
So now he doesn’t want to come to Palm Beach anymore!
So I thought I’d sweeten the pot.
I offered to donate MaraIago to the cause of liberty.
Use it as his winter White House and then we could continue to canoodle under the cover of real estate.
But now I realize the real reason he didn’t want to come around.
It wasn’t a gun wielding assassin.
It was something far more dangerous.
What? Me?
You.
You.
With your white teeth and your tight little tush.
[singer] ♪ Hey, pardon me, boy ♪
♪ Is that the Chattanooga
Choo choo choo choo? ♪
♪ Right on track 29, my baby, I’m fine ♪
♪ Boy, you can give me a shine ♪
I can see you are upset.
How can I make this up to you?
I’ll give you one hint.
You can crack it, pour a little milk on it, add some herbs, but you’ll never get an omelet.
Axel’s Fabergé egg.
I can assure you…
I have looked high and low all over my home.
Believe me, we’ve looked too.
You’ve…
Yes. In your home. With my men.
Eating Malt-O-Meal in your kitchen whilst they tore the place apart and put it all back together again.
[chuckling] I feel so violated.
Good. And after we searched your home, I now know that Axel had a top secret safety deposit box in Switzerland.
It’s the only conceivable place that final imperial egg could possibly be.
So, if I go to Switzerland and get that egg, then we’ll be square?
We’ll be square.
And if I don’t get that egg?
I’ll kill you.
What?
Societally, I mean.
I’ll tell everyone you’re Nixon’s whore.
But won’t that hurt Nixon?
No.
People never remember what the man did.
Only the woman.
You’ll have to carry that stench for the rest of your life.
[imitates dog barking]
Egg.
[singer] ♪ Pardon me, boys ♪
Everyone now!
♪ Is that the Chattanooga choo choo? ♪
♪ Right on track 29 ♪
♪ Boy, you can give me a shine ♪
♪ Give me a very good shine ♪
[“Chattanooga Choo Choo” continues]
Hello, friend.
I have a message for you.
From Norma.
“Go home. Now.”
[singer] ♪ I used to call funny face ♪
♪ She’s gonna cry
Until I tell her that I’ll never… ♪
[Ann] Hmm.
[suspenseful music playing]
[whispers] Norma.
Virginia. Virginia.
Ann, I thought I told you to stay down there with the mourners.
She just went into the ladies’ room.
Veiled Norma.
There!
[Virginia] I got eyes on Norma.
Suspect is on the premises.
[on radio] Hold your positions.
[funeral attendees gasping, clamoring]
[gasps]
Aha!
Gotcha!
[funeral attendees murmuring]
Hey.
Bruce?
Don’t shoot! Please hold your fire!
Put your guns down.
What are you doing?
What you told me to do.
I just want to talk.
I just want to talk to him.
Rock, please.
Rock, don’t go.
[yells] Nancy, you are such an evil bitch!
You listen to me, Rock Hudson.
That woman is not your friend!
She’s a mediocre actress too!
And a superior bitch!
Nancy Reagan is a fair-weather friend!
Stand down.
Not our target.
[Bruce] Rock! Rock!
[gasps] I can explain. [chuckles] Um, you see, um… [stammers] …I was forced against my will by the…
[sighs] It’s going to sound crazy.
By the federal government.
They made me do this and…
Tell them, Virginia! Tell ’em!
Thank you so much for coming.
Uh, we have open swim tomorrow at 11:00 a.m.
[sad music playing]
[sobs] You would’ve let me believe that you were dead?
[stammers] I never wanted to…
Just let me live my life in peace.
Douglas. [sighs] Norma.
[breathes deeply]
[mysterious music playing]
[fire crackling]
[Norma] Oh, you’ve really let the place go to hell, haven’t you?
Norma, the entire town is looking for you.
The FBI is looking for you.
Ditched the turban, ditched the muumuu.
Nobody’s gonna pay a little old lady any mind.
[scoffs]
I could get away with murder dressed like this.
I should turn you in to the police.
Oh, but you won’t.
We’re family, you and I.
What are you doing here?
Darling, I can see it in your face.
This town has become cruel to you.
Which is why I’ve come back to spirit you away.
Don’t you realize I’ve always thought of you as a son?
Come on, let’s blow this popsicle stand.
[exhales deeply]
Yes, Mother.
[chuckles] Come here.
[knocks on door]
[grunts]
Mrs. Martinez, we have concluded our investigation.
Our final assessment.
Oh, my God.
Evelyn?
[Evelyn sighs] What’s going on?
Well, dead corpse floating in the pool, FBI sting foiled by Maxine rising from the dead, and now the Palm Royale owes eight million dollars in back taxes, so the IRS is shutting us down until we settle.
That’s what’s going on.
At least you didn’t lie to me.
I’m sorry I cooperated with the FBI.
My mistake.
I’m sorry I took charge of our lives while my husband sat around looking pretty!
That is so unkind.
The Palm Royale is finished.
There’s no coming back from this shit parade and it’s all on me to dig us out of another goddamn hole!
It’s all on you because you want it that way.
Because you like it that way!
And how about you stop being so fucking nasty?
How about you tell Jed to get out there and scrub the goddamn pool!
[speaks Spanish]
And clean the goddamn pool yourself.
[door opens, closes]
[“Nature Boy” playing]
[Maxine] Where are you going?
Don’t talk to me.
[Maxine] What? What did I do?
Rock left word at the front desk.
He never wants to see me again.
You did the right thing.
I know you’re right, but I still feel like shit.
So thanks for that.
See ya around, maybe.
Oh. Okay. Well, see ya.
Douglas. [chuckles] Virginia filled me in on what happened with Mirabelle.
And…
And I… I brought you her ashes.
I… I thought you might want them.
[gasps]
I know you always wanted a family, Max.
I’m just… I’m… I’m so sorry.
[exhales sharply]
This is…
This is so sweet…
[sighs]
Jed?
These are my private quarters.
You shouldn’t be here.
I was wondering if there was anything you needed.
Did you clean the pool?
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn’t.
Oh. [sighs] Shit.
[gasps] Permission to come aboard?
Permission granted.
[Evelyn moaning, panting]
Thanks for bringing me Mirabelle.
It’s very graceful of you considering the circumstances.
Maxine?
Trust me.
She’ll be happy in here.
[chuckles]
[Douglas sighs]
Maxine, I need to ask you something.
I’m going to Switzerland… [stammers] …and I want you to come with me.
Actually… [stammers] …I need you to come with me.
To-To be there in person, so that you can sign away your claim on the baby trust. [stammers] It’s just… [stammers] It’s just kind of a red tape thing.
You know, because of us having been married. [sighs] I’m sorry it’s so last minute.
It didn’t matter when you were dead, but now that you’re alive…
I heard what you said at the funeral.
Um…
That you love me.
And I want you to know that I accept your apology.
And I love you too.
[groans] This has all just gone…
It’s gone too far. I just…
I’ve had so many feelings today and I just… I…
I need to go home and stop feeling.
[Maxine] Well, did you mean what you said?
[Douglas sighs]
[romantic music playing]
I’ll take that as a yes.
I’ll go to Switzerland.
Wait, Switzerland?
That’s the scene of Norma’s first crime.
Max…
[fire crackling]
You ready for round two?
I’m ready for you to clean the pool.
That’ll be all, Jed.
Well, goddamn.
Get back inside your coffin, Maxine.
She’s mad at you.
Yeah, I can tell.
You know they almost fired me today?
And if I was a white man, they probably would have.
The only reason why they’re keeping me around is to trot me out whenever the FBI is accused of being racist.
[stammers] I’m so sorry.
She’s in a very dark place.
[footsteps approaching]
[Mary] Maxine.
Oh.
Hello, Mary.
[Mary] Virginia, now that you are in law enforcement, I would like to report a missing person.
Oh, yeah? Who?
Me!
For three days…
I was being held hostage in my very own home…
What?
…by the same murderess that you have been trying to capture, and no one cared.
No, no one sent up flares for Mary.
And meanwhile, my bootlegger is gone.
My one chance at finding true and lasting passion…
[inhales sharply] …evaporated into thin air as soon as Norma arrived and took me hostage.
[gasps] When will I find love?
When?
I… I don’t know.
But can we go back to Norma?
[stammers] I’m sorry, she’s… she’s at your house?
Was.
She left.
She had me deliver a message to Robert saying to go home and I did that.
And now I’m free, no thanks to you, to go and search for my bootlegger.
[Mary breathes shakily]
[inhales sharply] And no.
I do not need any help from “law enforcement.”
The spirit is strong and she will guide me.
[Virginia] We gotta get to the Dellacorte.
Norma’s a genius.
[sighs]
They’re gone.
They’re both gone.
[Ann] Both?
Norma and Robert. Don’t you see?
While this whole town was here trying to trap her, she slipped in… [stammers] …and she took him…
Where her trail ran cold.
Yes.
Where she vacations with Mary in the Alps.
Where she had Robert send her paintings.
[all] Switzerland!
[“Fools Rush In” playing]
[Evelyn sighs]
[sighs]
“To Jed, I’ll love you forever.
Your Mitzi.”
Well, this will do quite nicely.
[door opens, closes]
[Maxine]
I know today was a bit challenging, but I’m going to Switzerland with Douglas and Mitzi.
Strictly business.
But since you’re my conservator, I need your permission to travel.
Just a quick John Hancock.
With Mitzi? You don’t say.
Hmm.
I know.
I’ll do you one better, Maxine.
I’ll come with you.
Eddie and I could use a little time away and Switzerland could be just the thing.
[Mary] Mirabelle said…
[wind whistling]
…I would find the killer by the pool.
Yes.
The energies are strong right here.
Killer of Maxine, reveal thyself.
[gasps]
Oh. My bootlegger.
At last.
Where have you been?
I’ve missed you.
[“Someone’s In the Kitchen with Dinah” playing]
