Palm Royale
Created by: Abe Sylvia
Based on: Mr. & Mrs. American Pie by Juliet McDaniel
Stars: Kristen Wiig (Maxine Dellacorte-Simmons), Ricky Martin (Robert Diaz), Josh Lucas (Douglas Darby Dellacorte-Simmons), Leslie Bibb (Dinah Donohue), Amber Chardae Robinson (Virginia), Laura Dern (Linda Shaw/Penelope Rollins), Allison Janney (Evelyn Rollins), Carol Burnett (Norma Dellacorte)
Premise: Set in 1969, outsider Maxine Dellacorte-Simmons (Kristen Wiig) strives to attain a place in the high society of Palm Beach, Florida, through the town’s most exclusive country club, the Palm Royale, in the process learning what she will and won’t do to achieve this.
Season 2 – Episode 4
Episode title: Maxine Unwrecks a Home
Original air date: December 3, 2025 (Apple TV+)
Episode plot: Promoted to the FBI, Tom accuses Maxine of murdering the missing Norma, but attorney/gynecologist Dr. Dusty Magic comes to her defense. Evelyn offers Sidonius, the Palm Royale’s manager, financial rescue in exchange for her and Maxine receiving controlling interest in the club. Desperate to clear her name, Maxine realizes Norma used the tunnels to flee to Europe with Linda’s cash. Tom’s affair with Robert, who has inherited Norma’s estate, strains Maxine and Robert’s friendship. Maxine’s attempt to compromise Tom by kissing him in front of the press backfires, but she chooses not to reveal his real affair to his wife. To buy out the Palm Royale, Evelyn needs the three founding families’ agreement, but Perry and Douglas demand ownership for themselves. Instead, Evelyn secures signatures from the wives: Mary, who holds a séance to ask her late husband; Dinah, whom Evelyn blackmails with her scandalous love letters to Eddie; and Mitzi, who elopes with Douglas but demands a lavish wedding. Hiding from Pinky in the wake of their failed partnership, Douglas is kidnapped. Maxine discovers her engagement ring is engraved with Agnes’s name, and reconciles with Robert, who reveals the truth about “Norma”.
* * *
Palm Royale – S02E04 – Maxine Unwrecks a Home | Transcript
[bell tolling]
[yodeling]
Thank you, Brandoff.
It’s good to have you home, ma’am.
This is where my story began… and this is where it ends.
For the hundredth time, you have your victim and your suspect mixed up.
I am the victim. Me. Maxine.
Norma, the suspect, hath framethed me!
Norma screamed, “Maxine, don’t kill me.”
Then I heard a gunshot.
And now there’s no more Norma.
You also thought you saw Linda shoot the president.
So you need to get your organs checked, Sergeant, Detective… whatever you are.
Special Agent Trainee.
Oh.
And you seem to be in the middle of every major crime in Palm Beach.
Flattery will get you nowhere.
But I simply will not confess to a murder of a woman who is not even dead.
Then why are they reading Norma’s will across town?
Who’s the “they” reading Norma’s will across town?
To Pinky, my Cuban brother from another mother, and his beautiful wife, Raquel!
[chuckling]
So, your old lady finally knocked off the old lady, huh?
[coughs] I wouldn’t go that far, but my aunt has been missing long enough to declare her dead.
Three days.
So, as soon as we read Norma’s will leaving me everything…
Us everything. [chuckles] Mi casa es su casa.
[Pinky speaks Spanish] We casa.
[in English]
And Pinky doesn’t have to kill you.
[all laughing] [Pinky] I love that.
[Mitzi] She meant kill as a figure of speech, right?
[Douglas] She did not.
Douglas.
Pinky’s a mobster, Mitzi.
We had a deal to turn this house into a nightclub.
And it fell through.
I’ve been a marked man ever since.
Robert? What are you doing here?
[lawyer] Mr. Diaz is named in Norma’s will, and according to this most recent codicil, he is the only person named.
The mansion and everything inside is his and his alone.
What about our baby?
The generation-skipping trust?
[lawyer] It will remain skipped until Mitzi gives birth.
If you’d go ahead and sign, Mr. Diaz.
Robert. Robert, how do you feel about real estate?
Pinky can’t have the house, Douglas.
But if Pinky hears that, he’s gonna kill me.
Robert, brother, please.
[stammers] I’m about to be a father to a beautiful baby boy.
Or girl.
Hopefully a boy.
But a father, Robert. Please.
We’ll name the baby Robert.
Or Roberta.
Please?
No. [breathes shakily]
[in Spanish] Robert, look at you!
Great to see you on your feet!
What’s going on?
It seems there is a misunderstanding.
Douglas couldn’t promise you this house.
This house does not belong to Douglas.
This house is mine.
[in English] We just need to hunker down quickly.
I can’t hunker. It’s bad for the baby.
Come on.
I will end him.
Not here, mi amor.
Where is he?
I have no idea.
[Pinky] When I find him, I’m gonna fucking kill him.
[Raquel] Pinky.
Come on. Come on.
Douglas!
[Maxine] Wills and declarations be damned!
You cannot just keep holding me here without any proof that Norma is even dead!
There’s no body. No body, no death, no murder.
It’s the holy trinity of the law.
Amen to that.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
I-I was just in the middle of a sound legal self-defense…
Any man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.
And you are far too pretty to be a fool.
Oh, I’m also not a man.
[clicks tongue] Or a lawyer.
Dr. Dusty Magic.
Doctor of law and parttime gynecologist.
You have held this woman for three days without any due cause or proof.
No body. No death. No murder!
That’s what I just said.
I knew I heard it somewhere.
You’re free to go.
You walk out that door, you’re a marked woman, Maxine.
Even if I can’t prove you had anything to do with this, you’ll be ruined in this town forever.
Au contraire, Special Agent Trainee Sanka.
I will own this town.
[sighs]
Let the record reflect that I am not your client.
And even if I was, I wouldn’t be able to pay you. [sighs] Oh, please.
I’ve been following your story.
You’re definitely a woman who could use my help.
And, uh, all my services are completely pro bono.
Okay. Well, I don’t think anyone does anything for free in this town, so you can keep your bono to yourself.
[chuckles] Besides, I have a plan to unsully my name.
And it has nothing to do with a lawyercumgyno.
[reporter] How does it feel to be a murderous whore?
[reporter 2] When did you realize your marriage was over?
[reporter 3] Is that the same dress you wore when you killed Norma?
[clamoring continues]
That is one fascinating woman.
[Evelyn]
Norma’s not here to protect you anymore.
But lucky for you, Sidonius, I can offer the club a substantial infusion of funds.
More than enough to pay off your pesky illicit mortgages.
Go on.
In exchange for lifting this albatross off your weaselly little neck, my partner and I want a controlling ownership stake in the Palm Royale.
Please tell me you’re not talking about that pariah Maxine.
It’s a silent partnership.
Practically mute.
Members won’t take kindly to a killer buying their club. Maxine’s a liability.
What if they found out Norma wasn’t murdered?
That she escaped with the help of a certain club ambassador.
Would that be a liability?
Screw it.
Anything to get out of this members-only purgatory.
I always knew you were a reasonable egg, Sidonius.
Transferring the title will require signatures from each of the Palm Royale’s founding families.
[scoffs] You mean…
Yes. The three D’s.
The Davidsouls. The Donahues. And…
[sighs] The fucking Dellacortes.
[scoffs]
Eddie, I come bearing news and folders.
Good day, partner palomine.
Is this the only toilet in town or are you fully committed to finding new ways to nauseate me?
And shouldn’t you be behind bars?
I sprung myself, no thanks to you.
And I had to get out of that front page murder dress.
Thank God the porters didn’t take my luggage.
That’s because they took my bags of paper money by mistake.
I called the QE2, but the bosun said the bags had already disembarked in Liverpool.
How can bags disembark without a…
[whispers] Norma…
[normal] That’s how she escaped.
She took your cash and my ticket!
Show your work.
[screams] [gunshot]
[Maxine]
After she shot down the chandelier, she slid in the old bootlegging tunnels via the hole in the floor. Next, after she got her wits about her, she hightailed it to the Dellacorte beach where she dropped her belt, thereby implicating me, before hopping onto a waiting fan boat…
[Norma screaming]
…to catch up to the already departed QE2.
[cheers]
Whereupon she checked into my cabin…
Goodbye, Palm Beach.
…and your bags of money were delivered to her by mistake.
Bags?
I think Norma took the whole kit and caboodle…
♪ Everything’s coming up, Agnes ♪
…and disembarked in…
Liverpool!
[gasps] The steamer trunk.
That miserable clown, Sidonius, wasn’t moving a body.
He was taking her luggage to the QE2!
Oh, we have to find her. We’re gonna get your cash and clear my name!
That all makes perfect sense except for one thing.
What?
Norma refuses to stay anywhere but the Ritz.
And every yokel knows Liverpool is Ritzless.
She’s a murderess on the run.
I highly doubt the specificity of a hotelier is gonna matter to her at this point.
Have you never met a rich person?
Operator, get me the London Ritz, please.
[line ringing]
London Ritz. How may I assist you?
[in posh accent] Yes. May I have Norma Dellacorte’s room, please?
Uh. I’m sorry, ma’am. But there are no guests here by that name.
[stammers] We can’t give up now.
We gotta call every Euro Ritz there is.
No, I don’t have time for this.
If we’re gonna secure this club, I have some people to see, tout suite.
Speaking of which, how dry is the ink on your divorce papers?
Dry as a Sicilian white. Why?
[sighs] You’re on a need-to-know basis.
Look, I don’t believe you killed Norma, but I’m a minority opinion in this town.
So unless, and until, you’re found innocent, you are a silent partner in this deal.
Capisce? Capiche?
Yes. Yes.
Good girl. Now I’m off.
Good luck clearing your name.
My name.
[line rings]
London Ritz. How may I assist you?
[in posh accent]
Yes. Excuse me. I misspoke earlier.
I’m looking for a Maxine Dellacorte, please.
Apologies, ma’am. You just missed her.
She checked out this morning.
[normal voice, gasps] Seriously?
[Virginia]
So you want an APB all across Europe because somebody checked into a London Ritz under your name?
Okay. Well, what about the trophies in the trophy room at the Dellacorte?
Ann can cross-reference the trophies with The Shiny Sheet obituaries.
And we…
Start there.
And then once you have something concrete, I’ll see about that tracker.
Will you? Thank you! Thank you!
Aw, thank you. Thank you.
[grunts] Okay. Get off of me.
If my higherups saw us, it can blow up this entire unofficial, off-the-books investigation.
Oh, okay. If there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s being subtle.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay, bye.
Okay, bye.
I’ll call you later about the case.
Okay.
Unofficially.
Maxine!
Off the books.
Shut up!
[Robert] I want to rip off that space suit and blast your rockets. [chuckles] [Tom] How about this…
“Beam me up, Robby.
Klingon to my hips and tickle my G-Spock.”
All right.
So what does it mean? [stammers] It’s from a TV show.
Oh.
Let me read this one. It says, “I saw your picture in the paper and I had to write.
You might have forgotten me, but I’ll always remember you.”
Why’d you stop?
Some of these get really personal for some reason.
Hey, we all have a past.
Yeah.
And as much as I would love to keep reading your fan mail… [chuckles] Mmm.
[kisses] …I have to get to work.
[imitates lasers] Come on.
Listen, I don’t know if I should come here again.
It doesn’t look good. [chuckles] That’s not what you were saying half an hour ago.
[chuckles] Your best friend is a suspect in Norma’s disappearance.
You inherited her fortune and her house.
It could look like you two are in cahoots.
Well, first of all, Norma is not dead.
She’s just a very complicated woman.
And Maxine is another very complicated woman.
[vehicles approaching]
And this is just another complication between them.
Were you expecting someone?
Sounds like a bunch of Vespas.
[Maxine] Go away! Stop following me.
You shoo, flies. Shoo, I say!
[reporter]
Returning to the scene of the crime?
Hey, what happened to the dress you killed Norma in?
[reporters clamoring]
[Maxine] You!
That, sir, is your doing!
What, are you here to twist the knife even more?
Actually, I was taking a statement from Mr. Diaz.
More like making a statement to Mr. Diaz!
Slandering me, whispering poisonous innuendos in his ear.
Well, listen up ’cause I can whisper too.
You will never turn him against me.
He is my best friend.
Do you know what that means?
Best friend?
You listen to me and you listen good.
[shutters clicking rapidly] [Robert grunts]
[reporters clamoring]
Consider your investigation compromised, Special Agent Poopy Pants McGee.
Call me later, sweetie.
[reporter] One more kiss.
[reporters] Maxine!
Another one.
Got you.
[breathes shakily]
Maxine, what are you doing?
Proving that Norma’s a murderer.
So I can prove I’m not a murderer.
So I can still buy the Palm Royale with Evelyn.
Norma is not a… Why is everybody accusing each other of murder?
Because of Douglas’s death declaration.
It has framed me for Norma’s disappearance.
I’m surprised he’s letting you stay here anyway.
Well, he doesn’t have a choice, because Norma left this house for me in her will.
And everything else.
Wait. Well, if Norma’s leaving you everything, that means she’s leaving Douglas nothing.
And I get half of that which is… which is nothing.
[gasps]
After everything I’ve been through, I’m gonna be homeless by half?
No, come on.
You can stay here as long as you need.
But I think it’s best if you, um… if you… if you move to the pool house.
Why? There’s, like, a million bedrooms.
Yeah. I know, Maxine.
But with the investigation, Tom says it’s better if-if we’re not seen together.
Tom? Tom Sanka?
Yeah.
Who gives a flying fig what Tom Sanka thinks?
I…
Tom.
He’s your in am or a to?
It’s not what you think. It’s, uh…
I actually hope it is what I think.
‘Cause if I can compromise the investigation from the outside, you can compromise it from the inside.
I’m not gonna compromise anything, Maxine. I like the guy.
I more than like.
He’s accusing me of murder, Robert.
This is my life. He can send me to jail.
Please. You know Norma better than anyone.
She’s got to have a secret or ten.
Mmmmm, nothing I can think of.
Well, keep thinking.
Oh, gosh. I’ve got to get these trophies to Ann Holiday.
[exhales deeply]
[metal clanging]
[gasps] Ew, I think I’ve found a finger bone.
Oh, thank God. It’s just a pen.
[breathes deeply]
Palm Beach is no longer safe, Perry.
In these unprecedented times, we can’t trust the powers that be to protect us anymore.
We have to be the powers that be.
There is a void.
We must fill the void.
We must become the void.
You must become mayor.
I don’t wanna be mayor.
Too bad. [chuckles] Behind every great man is an even greater woman.
And this greater woman is going to be the next First Lady of Palm Beach.
Tada!
[chuckles]
It’s a Warhol.
[knocking]
[Perry] Oh!
Did you invite them?
[chuckling] No.
Perry!
Dougarito!
Ah, my best man, my best friend, my best brother.
[Perry] Mmm.
Norma gave our house to the pool boy.
So we were wondering, could we use your place to hide out from Pinky?
As the man of the house let me say, mi casa es tu casa. This is your big idea, Douglas?
For us to sleep on Perry’s couch?
Oh, no. They…
This is no way to treat the mother of your unborn meal ticket.
Come with me, Mitzi. We have a guest room.
Please. I’ll show you around.
Have you seen our pool?
[Evelyn] Hello, Perry.
Oh, Douglas. Good, you’re here too.
Two birds, one stone.
Gentlemen, a word in private.
Help yourself, Evelyn.
Don’t worry, Dinah.
I can be alone with other people’s husbands.
No offense, Mitzi.
Everyone has their cause.
Dinah had pediatric cancer, Mary had something about fiber.
And for me, I have decided to devote the rest of my days, solemnly, humbly, and with complete selflessness to the cause of preservation.
And, gentlemen, as you know, our very way of life is gasping on a ventilator.
Do we pull the plug?
No. We of Palm Beach hike up our slingbacks and get to work.
Now, our beloved Palm Royale is in desperate need of a facelift.
Could you not agree more?
Hmm.
Some mixed medical metaphors, but okay.
[mutters] Then it’s settled.
I will head up the preservation committee.
All I need are the John Hancocks of a Donahue and a Dellacorte.
So the Palm has financial trouble?
If so, we’ve got good heads for these real estate kinda thingies.
No, this isn’t a real estate thingy.
This is an Evelyn Rollins thingy.
[Perry] Oh.
[sighs]
Fine. I’ll create an advisory board thingy and put you two on it, just as soon as you sign. Deal?
[Dinah] You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want.
Norma told me you’d all start being nice to me.
You’ve still got that black widow stain.
And you’re hoping that by cozying up to me, some of my new-girl shininess will rub off on you.
True.
Mmm.
But what’s also true, little Mitzi Mitz, is that we women always have each other’s backs when push comes to shove.
All you seem to do is fight like rancid coozes.
You’ll see.
Do you have a plan?
There’s a trust for my baby with $82 million in it so…
Hmm… That’s good.
A lot can happen in five months.
Believe me, I know what it’s like to be engaged to a much older man who could die at any moment.
Oh, Douglas is only 50.
Listen, little girl.
It is a dark, dangerous world out there.
Presidential assassinations.
Murderous musical hippie communes.
We are all in danger. You. Me. Your baby.
Me.
To be safe, a woman has to have power.
Stick with me.
Maybe our shine can rub off on each other.
Hmm.
Counter proposal.
If the club needs cash, we could invest.
For a controlling interest of course.
Of course.
[chuckles]
I’d eat my teeth before teaming up with you two chuckle fucks.
Hey, you do not talk to my Stag Brother like that.
This man is going to be mayor.
Oh.
Yeah, and this man is gonna be a millionaire…
Uh-huh.
…as soon as his baby pops out of that lady.
Don’t count your chickens.
A lot can happen in five months.
So what do you say to our terms?
One day you two will learn that charity starts at home.
[exclaims] Except this ain’t charity and I’m not at home.
How’s this for charity?
Go fuck yourselves.
[Perry] Oh.
[Douglas laughing]
[both laughing]
Fuck you!
[Perry] Okay.
[door slams]
Once the noise and scandal of divorce quiets, there’s just silence and loneliness. If a woman falls in public and no one catches her, does anyone hear her cry?
[sighs]
[“Spanish Harlem” playing on vinyl]
Robert, can I sleep with you?
Sure.
[Maxine sighs]
I’m scared.
Me too.
[chuckles, gasps]
Yes.
[scoffs] Take that, cop.
Now who’s the persona non gra…
[gasps] “Strumpet”?
Is Robert Diaz upset about your new lover?
Robert Diaz is not my lover!
Get out of my bush!
Are you still a murderous whore?
His investigation is compromised.
He should be the one in hot water.
But it’s always easier to blame the woman, isn’t it?
It is when she’s a murdering, man-eating divorcée.
That poor slut. She keeps making things worse for herself.
And now Dinah thinks she can run her imbecile husband for mayor?
I don’t know why you made Maxine partner.
We never discussed it.
It doesn’t matter.
Until we can get Dellacorte and Donahue to stop diddling each other’s donkeys and play ball, the whole deal’s dead anyway.
Maybe not.
I haven’t been down here in a while.
Oh. Excuse me, gentlemen.
Hey, Eddie!
What are those?
Dinah’s love letters. To me.
Here.
What am I gonna do with them?
Tell her you’ll give them to the press if Perry doesn’t sign.
You don’t really wanna do that.
You want leverage?
Future First Lady of Palm Beach or not, if the papers print all the smutty stuff she wrote to me, she’ll never be able to show her face around here again.
What kind of smutty stuff?
You don’t want me to answer that.
So do yourself a favor and don’t read them.
These don’t mean anything to me anymore.
They’re a part of my past.
If they can help secure our future, what would Evelyn Rollins do?
You mean Evelyn Rollins-Martinez.
I’m scared, Doug. What’s our plan?
Well, Maxine was always in charge of the planning.
Mmhmm. [sniffles] Hey.
What is it?
Well… [sighs] …I might have a plan.
Or not a plan per se, but maybe more of a crazy notion of an idea.
Yeah?
Hit me.
[chuckles]
We’re…
Ah!
[continues playing]
[vocalizes, laughs]
We’re getting married!
Oh! That’s typically what engaged means.
Oh!
No. Today!
Right now.
We want our bundle of joyful buns in the oven to be legitimate no matter what happens.
[Mitzi chuckles] Can we take your car down to the courthouse?
Absolutetemont. Uh, no actually, Perry. Can you drive?
If Pinky’s goons see me, then I’ll be wearing a Cuban necktie to my own wedding, right?
[chuckling]
What a completely wonderful and absolutely organic plan.
You’re having an affair with that jerk?
No! It’s called a long con.
You should know that.
Ann, can’t you do something about that?
Sorry, I took a sabbatical from The Shiny Sheet to work pro bono for the FBI.
I think our best bet at rehabbing your image is for us to prove that Norma’s alive and for you to stop pulling stupid stunts like this one.
Fine.
Okay. What’s the update, Hardy Girls?
We connected Norma’s trophies to the Palm Beach obits.
[Maxine] Okay.
We have enough overlap to be suspicious.
Sounds official.
And making concierge calls, we’ve been able to track her from London, to Paris, to we think Switzerland.
[Virginia] But her trail goes cold in the Alps.
Well, that makes sense.
It’s just mountains and snow there, I think.
Not what we meant.
[Virginia] Once she entered Switzerland, we lost all sign of her.
Can’t you just send an agent over there to scour the area?
We are the only two working on this unofficial off-the-books case.
And, technically, Ann don’t even work here.
[sighs, stammers] Well, I demand justice.
Not just for me but for all the children of the world.
There is a dangerous killer on the lam!
We don’t have any actual proof of that.
All we know for sure is someone is checking into European Ritzes under your name.
I guess we just continue to divide and conquer.
All right. Keep tracking.
I am going to take my case to the press.
[Virginia sighs] Soldiers.
[scoffs]
I would like to speak with your new editor.
He’s at lunch, ma’am.
Well, when he returns, will you please tell him to focus on real journalism instead of printing stories about me sleeping with a cop who got me off last night?
No, that didn’t sound very good.
Don’t print that. Don’t write that. Um…
[stammers] There’s my star.
[Maxine] You?
I knew you’d be good for business.
You’ve been feeding The Shiny Sheet stories about me?
Selling.
[gasps] How very double dare you.
This is just the way it works.
The law and the press, old bedfellows.
Besides, I’m working pro bono.
How else am I gonna get paid?
Here. Make sure you give these pictures to your editor. Thank you.
If you know I’m not a murderer, why don’t you just tell them to print the truth?
Oh. You don’t want them to print the truth.
What? Of course I do.
You want them to print that your husband left you for a younger woman and you’re shacking up in a pool house?
Nah. I don’t think so.
They pity aging divorcées, but, uh, they find accused murderesses sexy.
Who said anything about being sexy?
I just did.
And you can put that in the paper.
[sighs] I’m a good person.
I’m not a… [stammers] …trolloping trollop.
[chuckles]
You know, every good name could use a pinch of bad. Don’t you think?
Now I want you to look into your heart and tell me that’s not true.
Now, like the card says, let’s make some magic.
[chuckles]
[whistling]
Maxine Horton?
[sighs] I’m not in the mood to do any autographs right now. Thank…
Ow! Ow! What the…
Do I know you?
You certainly know my husband.
Keep your hands off my man.
[exclaims]
[Douglas] Mrs. Dellacorte!
[cheering] Hey!
[Mitzi] So fun.
Here, honey.
[Douglas] Gosh, that was fun. I mean…
I really liked that Justice of the Peace.
There’s something about his hair that’s just fantastic.
I like small weddings too.
I’ve always liked small weddings.
My first wedding was pretty small.
Get in the car, babe.
It was gonna be big, but it ended up being really small.
[chuckling]
That was fun, right? That was fun.
Yes.
[Dinah] It was such a hoot.
Yeah. That was nice.
I’m really happy to be married, but this isn’t how I pictured my wedding day.
I was looking forward to all the gifts.
And cake. And the dress.
Everything that makes a wedding feel special and…
I don’t wanna get back in the trunk.
What?
Mitzi, that’s just the deal.
So pretzel up, okay?
Pretzel up?
Yeah, pretzel up.
Come on, Mitz. Let’s pretz.
I promise I will give you the biggest, most specialest wedding that Palm Beach has ever seen.
Oh, my God.
Just like Norma promised, okay?
I can see in your eyes you’re angry, Mitzi, but I’m still in hiding.
So that means you’re still in hiding, baby. So…
There you go. [grunts] [grunts] Doug! The baby.
That’s a good girl, Mitzi.
[Douglas] Keep your eyes on the swivel.
[Perry] Yeah.
[Douglas grunts] [grunts] Okay?
[Douglas] Thanks, man.
Yep.
[Maxine] Married?
Tom?
Yes. But now his marriage is on the rocks thanks to your kissing stunt.
Which I was forced to creatively conceive in order to ruin his dumdum investigation.
Not so dumb.
Norma disappeared right after you threatened her.
You’re just pulling a Douglas.
I’m pulling a what?
A Douglas. Where you take a morsel of malarkey, blow it up, throw it back in my face to take the heat off of you.
That’s actually not what I was doing.
Well, Tom’s wife actually slapped me.
In the face.
I’m sorry.
You don’t look like you’re sorry.
You look like you’re suppressing a giggle.
You know what you are?
Hmm?
You’re a Mitzi.
You’re a tall, handsome, marriage-ruining manicurist.
It’s different for us.
Maybe it isn’t.
Maybe you’re just a person who’s hurting another person.
Not if she never finds out.
But she did find out.
She just thinks you’re me.
You know what?
Tom and I had something really good going on.
Now, because of you, he can’t even come to this house.
[drums beating]
[Douglas, Perry imitating deer grunting]
My dear brother, allow me to offer my sincere apologies that we are not at the fraternal order of the Stag lodge with our fellow Stag brethren as per tradition.
[grunts]
But as you know, I am being hunted by a homicidal Cuban mobster.
So we must perform this most glorious of rutting rituals here on this lowly ground.
We shall bless the nuptial bed in the commensurate fashion.
[grunts]
[growls]
[shouting]
[Mitzi] What are they doing?
They’re Stag brothers.
When one Stag weds, the other Stags fight him.
He’s in ritualistic rut.
[shouting]
[grunting]
That’s stupid.
[chuckles]
You’re married into society now, Mitzi.
There are all kinds of inanities you’ll endure as you stare into the middle distance.
[Mitzi] How long will this last?
The middle distance? Oof.
Thirty or forty years.
No. The… rutting.
Oh, they’ll be out there for ages.
[howling]
[grunting]
I have an errand to run.
[straining, grunting]
[groans] I’m stuck.
You’re stuck.
I’m stuck.
Yeah, I’m stuck too.
[shouts]
[Evelyn] ♪ In the morning
In the evening ♪
♪ Whoo
Ain’t we got fun ♪
[cheers] ♪ We got no money ♪
Evelyn?
♪ But honey, whoo ♪
We are fucked. Fucked.
Evelyn… Are you in the bath?
We are fucked, Maxine.
What is going on here? I thought you were working at securing our future?
Don’t read those.
I wasn’t supposed to, but… [exclaims] They’re Dinah’s love letters.
Here. Listen to this.
[groans]
“Your throbbing man member is only dwarfed by your massive man heart.”
Ew, that’s…
Sweet. I know.
Oh.
They really loved each other.
[sighs, chuckles]
Evelyn, are you laughing?
Oh, no, you’re crying.
Oh, that’s so human of you.
Don’t be disgusting.
I didn’t get the signatures.
Now everything’s gone to shit.
[sighs]
I don’t think there’s much of a difference anyway.
[Evelyn] Mmmmm.
I’m still a murderess in the eyes of that awful officer.
And my name is unclear able now that Norma’s trail has gone cold in the Alps.
The Alps?
Yeah.
Maxine, Norma used to vacation in the Alps.
That trail might not be so cold after all.
Wait. What are you saying?
That there might be hope?
Yes.
Unfortunately, only one person ever went with Norma to the Alps.
[sighs] I’m gonna need some coffee.
Your hope lies in the hands of…
[ominous music playing]
[knocks on door]
Oh, Mary, is that your Arabian Night Benefit to Save the Songbird turban?
Indeed it is.
[Evelyn] Gorgeous.
I’m afraid you’ve come at a rather wan moment.
I haven’t seen the ghost of my bootlegger in days, and I’ve been trying to contact him on my Aunt Paige’s Ouija board.
That’s convenient.
I’ve been steeping myself in the occult, talking to ancestors.
Why, just yesterday I communed with Marie Antoinette.
An ancestor?
Oh.
No, just a close friend.
Look, I need to know where you and Norma stayed in the Alps.
Mr. Davidsoul always made the arrangements.
And when we returned I would always feel blue.
So, David would give me shock treatments to, as he put it, clear the cobwebs from my chimney.
[clicks tongue] And you, Evelyn?
Uh, what do you seek?
A signature.
We are making a play to buy the Palm Royale and we need the three D’s to sign off, so if you just oblige us with your Jane Hancock.
Oh, no, it’s David’s name. I can’t.
Well, you’ll have to ask him yourself.
Oh.
Sorry, isn’t Mr. Davidsoul rather… dead?
Before we begin, are either of you on your period?
Um… no.
Thank you, Mary.
I don’t wanna touch it.
I’m not touching it.
[stammers] No need, no need.
Which query would you like Mr. Davidsoul to address first?
Ask him where Norma stays in the Alps.
No. Ask him if it’s okay for you to sign.
No, Evelyn. It’s more impor…
This is more import a…
Shush!
Mr. Davidsoul doesn’t like it when women argue. It crosses his haywires.
Hmm.
[Mary hums]
NO…
No. No?
RM…
A… Norma.
[Maxine] Norma.
[gasps] Oh!
Oh, uh, DIED…
[Evelyn] Died?
[Maxine, Evelyn] IN… THE…
ALPS.
Norma died in the Alps?
Wh-What does that mean?
Maybe… Maybe she died in the Alps.
[door creaks]
[both gasp] FU…
Still a bitch. Even from the beyond.
Did Mr. Davidsoul come through?
What did he say?
David loves the idea.
He said you should sign immediately.
Oh.
And did you get your answer?
Well, I think the “FU” was specifically for me.
The spirits don’t prevaricate.
They also said Norma died in the Alps.
If that’s true, who’s trying to frame me for her murder?
Well, how should I know?
I’m not a detective.
[“My Ideal” playing]
[blows]
[groans]
[letter clatters on floor]
[Norma] My dearest Robert.
If all went according to plan, you’re enjoying the spoils of the Dellacorte mansion. God knows you’ve earned it. I’m sorry I had to leave under these circumstances.
But I promise all will be revealed in due time.
Meanwhile, I ask two favors.
One, please continue to exaggerate the reports of my death.
And two, send the five Entwistle portraits of me to the Swiss National Portrait Gallery to hang proudly in the Hall of Dellacortes. I want to take my rightful place among them, high above the Floogenurgen.
Floginorgeen?
Floginorgeen. Floo… [sighs] Don’t try to say it.
It’s where I spent those first lonely years.
But I want you to know I was never lonely for one second when I was in your splendid presence.
[sighs]
[Mitzi] Hello?
[sighs]
[Robert clears throat]
Mitzi.
Hi.
I came to leave a note for Maxine, but I can come back later.
I can give it to her, if you want.
Okay.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks. [chuckles] Yeah.
Mitzi…
Do you ever regret what you did?
With Douglas, I mean.
Uh…
I wasn’t married. He was.
If, um… if you’re planning on pinning your dreams on Douglas… please don’t.
Hmm.
[music continues]
What are you doing here?
What they’re saying about me, it’s not the truth.
Then what is the truth?
Your husband is…
Um… is, um…
My husband is what?
[sighs]
Your husband is… the best lover I have ever had in my life.
I mean, just mind-blowing.
His man member is the manliest member I can ‘member.
[stammering] Wait.
I’m so sorry that I hurt you.
Please don’t blame him.
I’m going through a divorce, which I’m sure you know, and it’s caused me to act like a homewrecking prostitute.
I’m sure you can understand.
And I’m sure he loves you very much.
Enjoy your dinner.
[car engine starts]
[sighs]
[Dinah] I’m so sorry you won’t be able to purchase the Palm Royale.
Perry told me all about your little plan. [sighs] But if you’re looking for some way to make your life more meaningful, we’d love to have you volunteer for Perry’s mayoral campaign.
Perry’s not gonna be mayor.
[“Yummy, Yummy, Yummy” playing]
So many of them.
What do you want?
A Donahue signature.
Or everyone will know the many, many sexual positions the would-be-mayor’s wife enjoyed with her tennis coach.
Remember how many papers Maxine sold?
Of course I’ll sign.
With Norma gone, we have to look out for each other, don’t we?
It’s a scary world out there.
Especially now that there’s a new new girl who may be smarter than we think.
It must have been hard for you to read those letters.
I didn’t read a word.
Thank you.
Now, all I need is a Dellacorte.
I spy with my little eye…
What?
…a Dellacorte.
[Maxine] I was wrong.
What I said earlier.
It is different for you. And for Tom.
And I’m sorry.
I thought you were worried about your reputation.
You mean more to me than the Palm Royale.
You should know that.
You’re a good friend.
I know.
Oh, my.
Mitzi came by earlier and she left this for you.
“It’s done. We’re married.”
Not much of a writer, is she?
[Maxine sniffs]
[fire crackles]
Thanks.
[telephone ringing]
Yellow. Dr. Dusty, what can I do you for?
It’s Maxine.
I hope I’m not calling too late.
Oh, no. I’m fine.
I’m just with a patient right now.
One minute.
Oh, wow. You’re still at work?
Oh, yeah. Good doctor’s always on-call.
Like a priest and a hooker.
[both chuckling]
Can I tell you a little secret?
Oh, sure.
I’m awful glad you called.
I just wanted to say thank you for, uh, getting me off today.
Oh, uh, legally speaking.
[chuckles] Well, it’s my pleasure.
Legally speaking, as well.
And I think you’re right. [sighs] My story has gotten a bit rotten lately.
Maybe it is time for a… a new chapter.
Well, why don’t we meet up in person?
Maybe grab a couple cocktails.
Are you asking me out on a date?
I’ll call you tomorrow.
[sighs]
It looks like it’s been through hell.
I don’t care what you give me for it.
I just want that thing out of my life.
Uh, yeah, I’m gonna have to melt it down for parts.
Nobody wants a ring with somebody’s name engraved on it.
What?
There’s no name on my ring.
[clicks tongue] Looks like it was done with a pen or something.
Underneath the stone, around the setting.
“AGNES.”
“Anges.”
[pawnbroker] Agnes.
Agnes.
[dramatic music plays]
‘Tis time.
Time?
The rutting ceremony is complete.
So, ’tis time.
[chuckles]
I’m addressing our wedding invitations.
For our real wedding.
I went with the ecru card stock.
They are beautiful.
Just like you.
I don’t think ’tis time for that.
Well, of course. ‘Tis time.
That’s what that means.
I didn’t even get a ring.
Well, I’ll get you a ring so big it’ll make your back hurt.
Good.
Because I also want 12 bridesmaids and two showers.
One for me, and one for the baby.
But until that happens…
I’m on the couch.
Pretzel up, Doug.
[Mitzi] Hmm.
There’s something different about you.
I’m Mrs. Douglas Dellacorte now.
[dramatic orchestral music plays]
[metal rattles]
[Maxine] Norma? Is that you?
[Douglas] Is somebody there?
Hello?
Hey!
Well, I guess this is who we are now.
For now.
Safe and sound.
In your house.
Robert.
Yeah?
Who’s Agnes?
[Robert sighs]
Get comfy.
There’s something else I need to tell you.
