Letterkenny – S09E07 – NDN NRG [Transcript]

Tanis starts her own energy drink.
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Letterkenny - S09E07 - NDN NRG

You and your sweetie were discussing your town the other day.

Did you know there’s a township in Pennsylvania called Letterkenny?

Hot off the presses.

You didn’t know that.

Did too.

Did not.

Did too.

You did not.

That’s where Letterkenny Army Depot is.

Look at you.

Good word. Letterkenny.

Nice ring to it. Very functional.

Doesn’t get much better-kenny.

What’s say we head down to Gail’s for breakfast?

Bit brisk though. Perhaps you should grab a sweater-kenny.

Breakfast at Gail’s beats letter-Denny’s.

I’d buy that for a letter-penny.

Should pinch your letter-pennies or you’ll be in debt-erkenny.

Judging by that fancy watch you got on maybe you’re the one who should pinch your letter-pennies.

Hey, don’t be fooled by the watch that I got, I’m still letter-Jenny from the block.

Don’t need a lecture-kenny.

Cito’s got a new sweetie. An Irish setter-kenny.

Pure bred-erkenny?

As opposed to what, inbred-erkenny?

F*ck, Stormy’s gonna take a header-kenny.

Hate how much setter’s shedder-kenny.

I ever tell you, you kinda look like the daughter of letter-Lenny Kravitz?

I’ll buy that for a letter-penny!

That’s what I said-erkenny.

Have you seen my Eddie Vedder-kenny Live DVD?

What? The singer of Yellow Ledbetter-Kenny?

It was right next to Dan’s letter-Kenny Loggins CD.

I think he plays a Fender-kenny.

Oh, letter-Kenny gee whiz.

Did you know Dan also likes Simply Red-erkenny?

And letter-Benny Benassi.

Wait, I did seen it, underneath another DVD.

Judge Dredd-erkenny.

Will you take this girl to bed-erkenny?

I don’t know.

Letter-can he?

(Theme music playing)

Wayne?

Dary.

Why are you parked all the way back here?

What’s the problem?

There’s a spot right over there.

It’s really close to the door.

Rock star’s parkings what it’s called.

Well, is there something wrong with the spot we’re in currently?

Well, no. It’s just a longer walk to the door.

Well, which leg did you break?

Well, it’s… it’s cold.

Sounds like your old man shoulda kicked your ass another time or two.

Good buddies?

Good buddy.

To Dary’s point, if rock star’s parking’s available, you should always takes the rock star’s parking, and maybe gets yourselves a lottery ticket.

Well, okay, Dan. Dan, okay. What?

So, some drunk nut sack can stumble out of the bar, take a header into the truck? Put a big ding in ‘er?

Hm.

And okay, Dary. Dary, okay. What?

So, a couple of drunk nut sacks come out of there pushing and shoving, bump into it and split?

Yeah.

Yeah. You’re right, good buddy.

Well, you’re God damn right I’m right.

You gotta wake up pretty early in the morning.

To what?

What?

You said I gotta wake up pretty early in the morning.

Well, then you better wake up pretty early in the morning.

To what?

To…

To… if you wanna fool me.

I don’t.

Well, what if you did?

Well, why’d I have to wake up pretty early in the morning?

You… For if you wanna sneak one past me, Bud.

What do you mean?

I mean you gotta wake up pretty early in the morning.

To do what?

To if you want to outsmart me, bud.

Outsmart you with what?

Well, doesn’t matter. I won’t be outsmarted.

Well, I got no interest in outsmarting you.

You got interest in being smart, and I’ll tell you, you’re cruising for a bruising.

Well, why do I gotta wake up early in the morning just to outsmart you?

To… to if you want to beat me at what I was gonna do.

Well, what were you gonna do?

Doesn’t matter. If you want a head start on it you gotta wake up pretty early in the morning.

Well, I’d wake up extra early ’cause I don’t want to skip “brefekst.”

Well, guess what?

I’m serving knuckle sandwiches for brefekst.

Good buddies?

Good buddy.

You mights gets a ding in your car if you parks up front.

Sure. Sure, that’s could happen.

But, you know, back here’s where fellers comes to takes a piss.

What are you saying, Squirrely D?

Yeah, you might get piss on your truck, good buddy.

Oh.

Oh, I think you’re right, good buddy.

Well, one’s the lesser of two evils.

Yeah.

We just have to decides which ones gets the edge.

Yeah.

Well, it is a wee bit chilly.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is a wee bit chilly. Good enough.

Hey!

Learn how to f*cking drive!

(All laughing)

♪ You could get crunk in the club, what? ♪

Aly-cat.

Stewart.

Bianca-donk.

Stewart.

I’m…

Stewart.

Roald!

I’m making a comeback.

We’re making a comeback.

(Sighing) Correct.

We’re the newest DJ duo on the scene.

Got the streets bubbling.

You’re gonna be DJs?

DJs f*ck.

Mm.

Mm-hm.

Mm.

Mm-hm. So, what are you called?

I’m quite sure you recall our previous collab.

Nope.

The Hottest Sex Imaginable?

When.

Now?

No, no, no! That was the name of our band.

The Hottest Sex Imaginable?

The Hottest Sex Imaginable.

Might’ve heard of my lil’ side project Susan Serrated.

Roald.

I thought you liked that name?

I don’t.

Stewart.

I love it.

So, what are you called now?

Connor. Darien.

2cock Chakur?

Picture me rolling…

Hail Mary.

Until the end of time.

All eyes on me!

I imagine they’ll just call us 2cock.

Who’s they?

The streets.

Tanis actually hired us to play her release party today.

What’s she releasing?

♪ You can get crunk in the club ♪

KATY: Tanis?

Damn. You two look good.

Scorched Earth season, baby.

(Slap)

Yeah.

Get ’em fired up.

Great timing.

‘Skoden.

S’do dis.

Damn.

You look good.

Hey, Hemsworth sisters.

NDN NRG?

Not sure that’s PC, buddy.

Indian Energy. It’s hilarious.

You said it.

All of the kids on the rez have been obsessed with BROdude ever since the senior tournament so I thought to myself, “What can I do?”

Learn how to f*cking drive?

(All chuckling)

I hate leaving money on the table.

So, NDN NRG was born.

The kids are already hoovering it.

Looks a Timbit like the BROdude logo, Tanis.

Mm, no, it doesn’t.

Also, I want to thank you, Gail, for hosting the launch party.

Got you, girl.

Tanis, it does look a drill bit like the BROdude logo.

No, I don’t see it.

Don’t think so? Not even a mosquito bit?

Nope.

Tassie.

Cassie.

I’m Tassie.

I’m Cassie.

Wow, boys. You have really outdone yourselves.

Thanks.

We couldn’t find broads to wheel with in the 100km radius of Letterkenny that we hadn’t already wheeled, so then I thought to myself, “What should we do?”

Learn how to f*cking drive?

(Hicks chuckling)

Go outside of the 100km range. It’s so simple!

And then we remembered that Tassie and Cassie…

I’m Tassie.

I’m Cassie.

We’ll get ‘er.

Tassie and Cassie gave up their jobs for us over at BROdude.

We lost our jobs.

The best jobs we’ve ever had.

But all’s well that ends well, right, Cassie?

I’m Tassie.

I’m Cassie.

We’ll get ‘er.

(Feedback squealing)

Figure it out!

Je suis désolé!

Gail’s system is archaic.

F*ck you, skid.

Connor! Darien! Quick! The banner.

2cock Chakur?

They just call us 2cock.

Who’s they?

The streets.

Blasphemy.

Sacrilege.

We know.

And agree.

But…

So, why are you wearing the shirts?

They’re up to 10k SoundCloud followers.

And you know what that means.

No.

What?

Learn how to f*cking drive.

(Hicks chuckling)

BOTH: All aboard that train.

(Both snapping fingers) Choo-choo-choo.

(Phone buzzing)

(Sighing)

I’m sick of these dudes already.

Should we try to be NDN NRG girls?

BROdude knock off? (Scoffing)

What if we tell BROdude?

We could get our jobs back.

BOTH: Should we do it? We should do it.

Hey!

DAN: Hey!

Shut the f*ck up and listen to Tanis before I have to stick my shoes down your throat and turn you into a very fashionable gender-neutral pair of thigh-high f*cking boots.

Alright, I got some shit to say.

But first, I want to thank Gail for hosting us.

Thank you, Gail.

(Crowd cheering)

Got you, girl.

Now, with the recent success of the Eagles on the national senior hockey stage,

Auntie Tanis got a little bit of an idea.

Learn how to f*cking drive?

(Hicks chuckling)

The team needs an official sponsor.

Something that contributes to the brand of this championship team.

So, with that, I present to you.

(Clapping) Skids!

I know!

It’s 2cock Chakur.

Roald.

(Drumbeat sounding)

(Native hip hop playing)

(Applauding, cheering)

Yes, and with the early success of NDN NRG.

Tanis bought the Eagles.

(Cheering)

I did! I bought the Eagles!

WOMAN: What the f*ck is this?

Bye. Move. Basic.

Thanks for the heads up.

Tits look great, but no regrets.

Tanis?

‘Sup?

Your logo looks just a Bits & Bites

like the BROdude logo.

Mmm… no.

It looks more than a horse bit like the BROdude logo.

I… I don’t see it.

Hmm.

Mm, tastes the same too.

They all taste the same. Get your head outta your ass.

They do not all taste the same.

Okay well then what’re you gonna do about it, Erin Brockovich?

Learn how to f*cking drive?

(Hicks chuckling)

Besides sue the moccasins off you?

Don’t have to sue me to get them off. What’s your sign?

Hm, I’ll think of something.

Damn. You two look good.

Let’s go.

Il faut qu’on parle.

Anglais, s’il vous plait.

We need to talk.

About what?

We’ll be back.

Skids!

I know!

It’s 2cock.

Roald.

I’m not gonna f*cking say that.

Alright, let’s get f*cking hammered!

(Cheering)

Boys.

Boys.

Boys!

Boys.

Doing well I see.

Guess what we did.

What’s that?

Started our own beer league team.

Nice. Beer league checks all the boxes, boys.

Booze. Boys…

Yeah, I think that’s pretty much it, buddy.

Booze and the boys. Love beer league, boys.

You’re playing us this weekend.

Good. Just don’t work too hard.

Yeah, no one likes a beer league hero, boys. Relax.

Don’t worry about it. We phone it straight the f*ck in.

Good.

Relax.

But we got a guy who can’t be turned off.

No.

Not…

BOTH: Shoresy.

SHORESY: Give your balls a tug.

Wait, you know this guy?

SHORESY: F*ck yeah.

Saw ’em at a Halloween party dressed as the twins from The Shining and almost shot ‘gurt through my Dorothy skirt.

(Chuckling) You were dressed as Dorothy for Halloween?

SHORESY: You bet. The dress looked good on me, but it’ll look better on your mum’s bedroom floor, you f*cking loser.

F*ck you, Shoresy.

F*ck you, Jonesy. Your mom wanted to go with me as Toto but I said short trip, you’re already a f*cking dog.

F*ck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: F*ck you, Reilly.

Your mom got refused entry to that party for coming in blackface.

Glad I came in blackface before we left her bungalow.

F*ck you, Shoresy!

Were you really taking down their moms?

No!

SHORESY: F*ck you, Reilly.

I’d still be with her, but she ignored Lacy and Macy’s safe word.

It’s Tassie.

I’m Cassie.

So, it is true.

No!

F*ck you, Jonesy. I dumped your mom and she sent me flowers like I’m a f*cking broad.

F*ck you, Shoresy.

F*ck you, Reilly. Your mom said she’d do anything to get me back so I’ve got her running around town on my Pokémon Go.

F*ck you, Shoresy! We’re done.

F*ck you, Jonesy. How do you think I feel?

I gotta f*ck your mom one more time because she’s still got my Game Boy Colour.

BOTH: F*ck!

SHORESY: F*cking Pokémons, gotta catch ’em all, you piece of shit.

♪ She’s got sugar on the inside ♪

♪ Honey so sweet that money can’t buy ♪

♪ She’s got sugar on the inside ♪

You worried about The Devil Wears Prada?

(Scoffing) No.

Thanks for shaking it out there.

What if she tries to sue you?

Global corporation tries to take down a First Nations mom and pop shop? I’d like to see her try.

Besides, I’m Mohawk. I’m Bear Clan.

This logo is ours.

Careful, Auntie.

Listen, Shark Tank can come after us if she wants to, but you know what we’re gonna do?

DAN: Learn how to f*cking drive?

(Hicks chuckling)

Enjoy the day with our championship team and our championship drink.

♪ She’s got sugar on the inside ♪

♪ She’s got sugar on the inside ♪

(Whistling)

Good sound.

(Scoffing) Duh.

What are you called?

2cock Chakur.

That is the stupidest name I’ve ever heard.

Just 2cock.

The kids will love it.

They already do.

So do the ladies.

Let’s talk.

(Both laughing)

What? Did you come to sue the mukluks off me?

I said moccasins, and come on, global corporation takes down First Nations mom and pop shop?

How would that look?

Hm, I like the way you think.

I can’t poop your party that way.

Lovely. Later.

But guess what I can do?

Learn how to f*cking drive?

(Hicks chuckling)

Hurt you. Much worse. In other ways.

The Kerry County Eagles First Nations Senior Hockey Team.

Championship First Nations senior hockey team.

About that…

Your rez’s rules state that in order to play for the Native team, you must be Native.

You sure all your players are Native?

Listen, it chaps my ass more than anyone’s that everyone and their f*cking dog is part Native now, but read the f*ckin Canadian Indian Act, alright?

Oh, hm. Well.

How about I read some Ancestry.com results instead?

Reilly, Jones, and Shore.

Are they triplets or something?

(Chuckling) Yeah, triplets with all different last names?

F*cking idiot.

Oh, I just ask because their Ancestory.com results are identical.

What?

Huh?

How?

Because the DNA submitted for all three of them was the same.

It’s like the shotguns are c0cks.

(Both laughing)

The directions said to spit in a cup and send it in.

So we spit in the cup like the directions said.

You spit in separate cups, right?

BOTH: Yes!

It said just spit in the cup and then send it in!

So, we spit in the cup and sent it in!

You sent it in?

Who sent it in?

BOTH: Shoresy.

(Sighing)

BOTH: Shoresy!

As official sponsor of the National Senior Hockey Championship, until it is determined whose DNA was submitted for all three players, I must revoke the Kerry County Eagles championship status.

No.

ALL: No.

BOTH: No!

Good luck building your brand on the backs of disgraced former National Senior Hockey Champions, the conniving Kerry County Eagles.

JJ.

That cup belonged to the Tree River Lakers.

F*cking Tree Rivers.

(Crowd gasping)

Reilly! Jones!

Remember when I said this hat belonged on the head of a real athlete?

Not washed up never-have-been taking a victory lap through whale shit?

BOTH: Yeah.

Well, here’s what that looks like.

Je t’ai dit qu’il fallait qu’on parle.

Anglais, s’il vous plait.

I have a new boyfriend.

Oh?

I wanted you to hear it from me.

‘Kay.

Katy, I have a new boyfriend.

Oh?

I wanted you to hear it from me.

‘Kay.

(Chuckling)

(Kissing)

Excuse me. Hi, yeah.

Would that be your car that’s parked all snugged up against the back door blocking the fire exit?

Learn how to f*cking drive!

Where’s Wayne?

(The Stills’ “Lola Stars and Stripes” plays)

♪ We all need to feel secure ♪

♪ We’re so middle class ♪

♪ But I’m still waiting for next week’s ♪

♪ Chemical blast ♪

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