Hacks – S03E05 – One Day | Transcript

As Deborah contends with writer's block and Ava with a broken heart, the pair decide to clear their heads in the woods.
Hacks - S03E05 - One Day

Season 3 – Episode 5
Episode title: One Day
Original release date: May 16, 2024

Plot: As Deborah contends with writer’s block and Ava with a broken heart, the pair decide to clear their heads in the woods.

* * *

Now I’m gonna have you step on the scale.

[mellow jazz music]

♪ ♪

[earring clatters]

♪ ♪

[object clatters]

♪ ♪

Mm, no, no. Just–Wait, wait, wait.

♪ ♪

[grunts softly, sighs]

♪ ♪


[sniffs, sighs]

[breathes deeply]

Okay, great.

Nora here is just gonna take some blood,

and then you’ll be all set.

You have to do a blood panel?

Uh, it’s standard for all physicals.

Well, next time do it before you weigh me.

I am gonna refer you to an audiologist

because I think you may have slight presbycusis,

but it’s normal to have some hearing loss at your age.

I’ll have you know I have excellent hearing.

I overheard your nurse in the waiting room violating HIPAA.


And I’m gonna recommend you get the pneumonia vaccine

since you’re over 65.

Well, it’s your word against mine.

Have a nice afternoon.

Yeah, tough room.

What’s that?



Now who’s hard of hearing?

[steady music]

♪ ♪

Ladies, are you just sick to death

of your microwave being so ugly?

Well, we found Betty here, who has cracked the code.

The House of Vance microwave skin collection

now lets you use your microwave to express yourself.

Finally! [laughs]

No longer do you have to look at an ugly metal box.

For instance, this one has a gorgeous sunset view

of the Ponte Vecchio.


A-and don’t forget these little pockets on the side.

Oh, that’s right, they have pockets.

That’s how you know it’s a boy. [laughter]

And what couldn’t you put in there?

Anything larger than 4 by 2.

Uh… [clears throat]

Uh, Betty, I just think you’re a genius.

How did you come up with this idea?

Oh, well, I-I used to be married,

and I always wanted to go to Paris…

Mr. Vaughn.



What are you doing down here?

Well, I came to see you.

House of Vance sales are fantastic.


We’re very happy about it.

With these numbers, I might have to poach you

from Deborah.

You know she owns a gun, Roy.

[laughs] She’d kneecap me in a second.

Oh, please, she would go straight for the groin.

[chuckles] Still, think about it.

[indistinct chatter]

I will.

Next up, we’re gonna change the way you store

your salad dressing forever.

Yes! [bell rings]

Have we heard back from that doctor?

Oh, I think he’ll just send the results

directly to the network.

Well, I don’t trust him.

I don’t know why I couldn’t have seen my own doctor.

He’s a pushover.

Huh. Okay.

Well, you know, this is good.

The fact that they had you do an insurance physical

means they’re serious about you.

Apparently it’s down to you, Jack Danby,

and some guy who won the X Games?

I doubt he’s funny.

Well, they better have made those guys take physicals, too,

or we’re gonna have a big lawsuit on our hands.

Yeah, you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and say

I think it’s wise to not sue the network

you’re hoping will hire you.


Look, this is all good.

And you emceeing the charity event for the affiliates

is a genius way to curry favor.

Just focus on that.


No, you’re right. No, I have to kill there.

I have some time now, so Ava and I are gonna work on it.

Ava and Deborah, my two gorgeous girls.

I think it’s okay to say that, right?

Goodbye, Jimmy.

Y-you’re hanging up because you have to go, right?

Not because I said the “gorgeous girls” thing?

[line beeps] Hello? Deborah?

Fine. Everything’s good.

Okay, what do 50-year-old men who own TV stations

who you need to charm so that they’ll give you

a late-night TV show find funny?

I don’t know.

What the hell are you doing?

This is how I sip now. Don’t start.

I don’t like it, but, you know,

I found out I’ve been doing it wrong all these years.

The traditional pedestrian sip causes lip lines.




All that crinkling leads to wrinkling.


You got to make your upper lip almost disappear.

That’s how you know you’re doing it right–look.

Yeah, wrinkles are unattractive.

Definitely keep doing it like that.

[muffled] I will.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, my God.

What’s the matter?

Apparently Ruby packed up all my stuff,

wants to know where to send it.

Have her throw it away.

My stuff? No.

I just want her to put it in boxes in the garage.

Sending it somewhere seems so final.

[sighs] Can we get back to writing jokes?


I’ll be funny now.

Hey, look, I have writer’s block,

you have manic depression.

How about we, uh, I don’t know, take a walk or something?

You know, change of scenery, move our bodies.

Yes. I love that idea.

There are so many amazing trails around here.

Uh, no, I was thinking of more like a walk

around an outlet mall with a Gucci.

No, please.

We’re in the middle of gorgeous Pennsylvania forestry.

It’s like “Twilight” out there. Kristen Stewart.

Unless you can’t handle a hike.

Let’s do it.

Yeah! I get to wear my thick socks.




So there’s a trail that we could do that’s a loop,

but it’s saying it’s about 90 minutes.

That’s fine.


Oh, no, this is a super-casual forest.

You don’t need to wear gloves.


They’re sun-protection gloves, UPF of 50-plus.

The hands never lie.

Only part of your body you can’t help surgically.

There’s no such thing as a hand job.

My eighth-grade boyfriend, Brendan Otis,

would beg to differ. [laughs]



It’s too young, in retrospect.

Happened on a trampoline.


Okay, stop.

[peaceful music]

[sighs] God, I’m already feeling so much better.

After a major life event, it is so healing

to commune with nature,

listen to what the old gal has to say.

Major life even-Oh, you mean that girl?

Yeah. She was my long-term partner.

Long-term partner.

You make it sound like you drove her

to dialysis appointments.


Wait, why do you even want to be in a relationship?

Um, probably ’cause they’re the basic building blocks

of human connection.

I’m serious. You’re 27 years old.

This is the time to focus on you.


Sure, but I can do both.

No, when you’re in a relationship,

you make decisions for the two of you.

And it’s hard enough to make it in this business.

You got to concentrate on what’s best for you.

You know, just, you know, buy a vibrator.

[chuckles] Okay.

Hilarious that you think I don’t have a vibrator.

Plus, it’s not like I just choose

not to want a relationship.

I’ve always wanted one.

I mean, have you never considered getting remarried?

I had a husband.

And he’s in hell.

Yeah, that’s why I said remarried.

Seriously, who’s, like, your dream man?


The work ethic of John Rockefeller

in the body of James Gandolfini.

[laughs] Absolutely nuts.

No, I-I’m never gonna get remarried.

I don’t want to have to make room in the fridge for tapioca

or whatever the hell old men eat.


Don’t you ever get lonely?



Maybe sometimes when I open a bottle of Krug.

You know, can’t recork champagne.


Oh. Oh.

I got to scan these mushrooms.


You’re gonna scan a mushroom?

[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.

Recently got into foraging-well, the idea of it.

Haven’t actually done it yet until now.

Maiden voyage.

It’s, uh–oh, inconclusive.

Got to get a better angle.



Were you brought up in a barn?

It’s a chanterelle.

[cell phone chimes]




[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh, sick.

Perfect walking stick.


All right, let’s see.

So one of the Florida affiliates

is originally from London.

So maybe some London-based humor, though I’ve never been.

So I don’t know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You’ve never been to London?


I’ve actually never been outside of the country–

well, besides Montreal.

And I was supposed to go to Iceland,

but that didn’t end up happening.

But you’ve been to Paris?

No, again, out of the country would include Paris.

Oh, my God.

You’ve never had real bread.

I feel like I have.

No, you haven’t.


Oh, my God, you have to go to Paris.

And Venice.

You haven’t lived till you’ve seen the canals of Venice.

Saw the Ponte Vecchio on a microwave this morning.

Sold out.


Hang on, sorry, this can’t be right.

Let me just check something.


I’m a little confused by the trail map.

Are we supposed to go down this ravine and cross the stream?

Maybe we should turn around.

Oh, you mean maybe I should turn around?

No, that is not what I mean.

But, I mean, come on, it’s so steep–we can’t.

If this is the trail, let’s follow it.

All right, at least take the walking stick.

Ah, ah. Come on, let’s go. Let’s go.



Oh! Ah!

Oh, shit. Fuck.

Oh, shit.


Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Come on. Here, I got you.


[grunts] Holy shit.

Okay, okay, okay.


Okay, come on.


Okay, let’s get you down.


Oh, shit.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I’m fine.

I heard a pop.

Yeah, so did I, which means my hearing is just fine.

We should turn around, get you help.

We’ve been walking for an hour.

If it’s a loop, it’ll be closer If we just keep going.

I guess. Let me see where we are.

I got to keep moving.


Well, take my hand at least.

I don’t need your hand!

[gasps] Oh, fuck!

Oh, shit.

Oh. Oh.

Careful. God.


Oh, my God.

[breathing heavily]

Okay, what are we gonna do? We should put it in rice.

Rice? Where are we gonna find rice?

How the hell should I know?

You’re the one who always has food on her.

Oh, fuck, it’s dead.

Okay, give me your phone. I’ll pull up the map on yours.

I don’t have my phone.


Where would I have my phone?

I don’t have a purse.

Your pockets.

I don’t put anything in my pockets.

It ruins my lines.

It ruins your lines?

Oh, my God, so we’re stranded

in the middle of the woods without phones?

And whose fault is that?

It was your idea.

[mockingly] Let’s get out, move our bodies.

That’s you.

I suggested a mall!

This wouldn’t have happened at the King of Prussia.

And if it did, there would’ve been an Apple store!

Okay! Okay.

Let’s just finish and get you to the car.

Come on.


Here, take that.

Okay, come on.


[soft music]

♪ ♪

I-I-I-I need a break.

Okay. Okay.

Well, here. Just…

All right, let’s just get you down.


You good?

I’m good. I’m good. I’m good.


I’m good. I got it. I got it.

Okay. [both sighing]

[smacks lips]

I think we should make you a splint.

You can’t tie a simple double Windsor.

How are you gonna make a splint?

No, but I did go to gymnastics camp.

And I was really bad after I got my period,

so I spent a lot of time

sitting next to the team doctor,

and, yeah, I picked up a couple things.

Maybe I should just let birds peck at my body

until I’m completely gone.

Oh, yeah, this is good.






Sorry, sorry.

Damn it.


Look, I know it hurts right now, but it’s gonna be okay.

You know, it’s maybe a sprain.

Worst case, you’ll have to wear,

like, a boot or something.

A boot?

Oh, clomp around like I lost a ski–fantastic.

[scoffs] A boot is not that bad.

Yeah, well, me wearing a boot

is different than you wearing a boot.

‘Cause of paparazzi?


Me wearing a boot, I look old and frail.

Same as wearing a hearing aid or whatever.

I’m not gonna do that.

Well, yeah, but it’s okay

if you need those things, though, right?

I mean, it’s perfectly natural

for you not to be able to do all the things you used to.

But that’s the thing–I still feel like I can do everything.

I don’t feel my age.

Then I look in the mirror, and I don’t recognize myself.

Well, you do redo your face a lot.

I don’t redo, I refresh.

The whole goal is to keep it the same

’cause I feel the same.

I feel like a 30-year-old…

who can’t read the menu without a flashlight.


You should be good to go.

You’re no Ferragamo, but it’ll do.


[exhales deeply]



Oh, God.

Okay. All right.



[soft music]

♪ ♪


♪ ♪



Crap. Shit.

You’re fine. You’re fine.

Are we almost there?

This–this can’t be right.

I think it is.

Hang on, let me just-let’s just get you stable.

Let me park you right here.


Okay, okay. Are you okay?



you know what?

I’m gonna climb this tree, see if I can get a better view

of the parking lot or the road or something.


You don’t think it’s safe?

No, it’s just you’ve never given me nimble.

You know what?

Watch this.

Okay, here we go.

[grunting] Ooh.

It’s always more firm than you think it’s gonna be.

Ooh. Okay.

Not so fast. Not so fast.







I can’t see anything. I think I got to get higher.

Be careful.

[scoffs] It’s fine.


It’s fine.

[insect buzzing]

There’s a–there’s a bee.


Get out of here.


Oh! Oh, God!

Oh, God, are you okay?

Ow. Fuck.

What happened?

Oh, I got stung by a bee.

Oh, where? Where?

Oh, let me see.

Oh, yeah. He got you.

She. Male bees don’t sting.

Oh, honey, give it a rest.


Yeah, I think we should keep moving.

Yeah, come on, let’s–let’s walk it off.

[grunts] Okay.

Okay, here we go.

♪ ♪

Does it hurt?

Ah, yeah.

But I don’t blame the bee, though.

Oh, good.

This is their world. We’re pushing them out.

I mean, they’re going extinct because of us.

Actually, I deserved it.


Bees are not going extinct.

Yes, they are.

Climate change is literally wreaking havoc

on their ecosystem.

The Earth is a billion years old.

It just self-corrects for any damage that’s done to it.

No, we’re destroying the planet.

It’s a proven fact.

Trust me, we’re fine.

Um, think I’ll trust

the thousands and thousands of scientists

over you on this one, but thanks.

Oh, sure. Trust a bunch of men over me.

Oh, my God, you are being sexist

while accusing me of being sexist.

Did you know that wildlife populations

have diminished 70% since 1970?

I don’t buy that, I’m sorry. I always see animals.

The problem is, there’s too many people.

I remember a day when you could walk down Fifth Avenue

from the Plaza to Cartier and see 10,

maybe 12 people, tops.

Now it’s a shit show.

Believe me, no one’s going extinct anytime soon.

People like having sex too much.

You got nothing to worry about.

Why–why won’t you admit that this is a problem?


Look, even if what you say is true,

what can any one person do about it?

Well, you’re right.

Your average person can’t do as much

as corporations or governments.

There you go. Case closed.

Um, I said average person.

You’re one of the biggest climate criminals I know.

Your carbon footprint is huge.

Well, not as big as your carbon handprint.

Hey, we had an agreement.

I’m handicapped now. I have more rights.

Okay, you know what? Joke all you want.

But you drive cars that are inefficient.

You take a private jet everywhere.

Not everywhere.

All the stuff that you sell on QVC,

it’s all plastic and fast fashion.

Polyester doesn’t degrade. It’s made from oil.

Okay, Forever 21 is basically Exxon.


Listen, I’m not saying you’re wrong.

It’s just that young people are just

so much more dramatic about everything.

When you live long enough, you realize things

don’t change that drastically.

Okay, think of it this way-when you play a comedy club,

you don’t do the shitty material at the end of your set

and leave the crowd cold out of respect for the comedian

following you, right?

Of course not.

Okay, so maybe think of the Earth that way.

Neither one of us is gonna have a future

if we don’t get the he–hell out of here.

[grunts] It’s gonna be dark soon.

[winces, groans]

I think I should go ahead and find help.

No. D-don’t leave me.

Okay, I won’t.

I-I can keep going.

Let’s–let’s go.

[serious music]


[bird tweets]

Oh, it’s so steep.

Yeah, well, remember in the beginning, we were going down?


Well, this must be the end

’cause we’re going up.

We got it.

Oh, shit.

[both grunting]


Shit. It’s not a loop.

We’ve just been walking deeper and deeper into the woods.

God damn it!


I think we should start thinking about making shelter.

Making shelter?

I’m not gonna sleep out here!

Besides, I have to be at QVC in three hours.

We’re rolling out new infinity scarves.

Literally nothing could sound less urgent to me.

They come with matching beanies.


[sighs] Look…

we’re gonna hear the search helicopter any second.

I’m worth way too much money

for them to not come and look for me.

How are they gonna find us?

We didn’t tell anyone where we were going.

Oh. Right.

Look, it’s gonna be, like, 30 degrees tonight.

So, if you’re really against the shelter plan,

then we need to get serious about finding some help.


both: Help!


Somebody, please help!


[gasps] Wait, I know why it’s not working.

I-I read this study.

Not now, Ava.

No, it’s relevant. I promise, okay?

It was about emergency response.

It said people are less likely to help someone

if they hear them yelling “help.”

Oh, that’s right.

You’re–you’re supposed to yell “fire,” right?

No, no, no, you’re supposed to yell,

“Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even know you.”

We’re gonna die out here.

No, it’s because if people hear a woman screaming help,

they think she’s in a domestic dispute with her husband

’cause he won’t let her have a credit card or something,

so they don’t do anything.

That’s why you got to yell, “Why are you doing this to me?

I don’t even know you.”

That’s ridiculous.

both: Why are you doing this to me?

I don’t even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even know you!

[distant animal howling]


Let’s make a fire.


♪ ♪


So ironic that you can’t make a fire.

Ah, now this would make a great late-night story.

It’s not happening.

[sighs] You know, this is the first time I’ve missed

my skin-care regimen since the Bush administration.

I’m talking H.W.

I’m so sorry I made us come out here and then got us lost.

We should have just gone to the mall.

I could’ve–could’ve gotten Auntie Anne’s.

Oh, I shouldn’t have been so hard on you.

It’s not your fault my stupid body broke down.

Come on, you’re in great shape.

Say it.

“For a woman your age.”


You know, your whole life…

you say, “One day.”

You know, “One day, I’ll do this.

One day, I’ll accomplish that.”

And the magic of “one day” is that it’s all ahead of you.

But for me, “one day” is now.

Anything I want to do,

I have to do now…

or else I’ll never do it.

That’s the worst part of getting older.

I believe you told me that the worst part

about getting older is the collagen loss.

That too.


The best part of being young

is that you don’t have to savor everything.

You don’t even have to consider it, you know.

Eat that candy bar.

Sleep in on Saturday morning.

Or have a breakup.

It’s not the end of the world.

It’s just the beginning.

That’s the ultimate luxury… not having to suck the marrow out of every day.

Just toss the bones, not even make a soup.

Sorry, I’m really hungry.



What was that?

Was that an animal?

Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even know you!

both: Why are you doing this to me?

I don’t even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even know you!

Why are you doing this to me? I don’t even know you!

[engines rumbling]

Are you guys okay?

[both laughing]

[America’s “Lonely People”]

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we are.


Thank you.




We’re alive. We’re alive.

♪ This is for all the lonely people ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Thinking that life has passed them by ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Don’t give up until you ♪

♪ Drink from the silver cup ♪

♪ Never take you down ♪

♪ Or never give you up ♪

♪ Never know until you try ♪



I got you. I got you.

Oh. Oh.

I got you. I got you.



Careful. Okay.


Okay. Okay.

Oh, wait, wait.

Boys, I-I can’t thank you enough.

And to show you my gratitude,

I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do.

I’m gonna build an in-home QVC studio so that I do not have to depend so much on my private jet.

[clears throat]

And I’m gonna transition half of my portfolio into green stocks.


And install solar panels,

even though it’s going to ruin the roofline.


Ask her.

Oh, could you also buy us Mike’s Hard?

Whatever you want. I owe you.



Come on.

Nice to meet you guys.

Take care.

Nice to meet you.

Got it?

No, you know what? I’m driving.


Let’s get you around.

Okay. Ah.

You know, it’s like when you say goodbye,

and then you’re not leaving-it’s crazy.


Okay, get in the car.


Or s-should we follow you for the Mike’s Hard stuff?



Got her?

God, there you are.

Holy shit, are you–are you okay?

I have to sell infinity scarves.

Okay, what happened?

We took a walk.

She looks rough.

I heard that!

What the fuck? Uh, can we get a medic, please?

[Ringo Starr’s “It Don’t Come Easy”]

You shouldn’t use plastic.

♪ It don’t come easy ♪

♪ You know it don’t come easy ♪

♪ It don’t come easy ♪

♪ You know it don’t come easy ♪

♪ Gotta pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues ♪

♪ And you know it don’t come easy ♪

♪ You don’t have to shout or leap about ♪

♪ You can even play them easy ♪

♪ Forget about the past ♪

♪ And hold your sorrow ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The future won’t last ♪

♪ It will soon be your tomorrow ♪

♪ I don’t ask for much, I only want trust ♪

♪ And you know it don’t come easy ♪

♪ And this love of mine keeps growing all the time ♪

♪ And you know it don’t come easy ♪

♪ ♪


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