Futurama
Season 12 – Episode 5
Episode title: One Is Silicon and the Other Gold
Original release date: August 26, 2024
Plot: Leela becomes friends with a jealous chatbot.
* * *
[♪ theme music playing]
Get ready for an event so awesome, it could only be called
Infyrno Fest!
Every other name was taken.
One solid month of premium entertainment.
Two hundred bands on 300 stages!
[yawns]
Just another music festival.
[host] Infyrno Fest is not just another music festival!
[gasps] I was wrong, Bender!
[host] It’s an audio-sensory quest to disrupt the impossible and transcend the transformative!
What’d I miss?
We need tickets, fast. Can I buy ’em by just thinking about it?
Apparently.
[host] Did we mention the belly-busting buffet?
No. Why did you keep it a secret?
Register for the snooty VIP experience, featuring snooty villas!
You had me at “snooty”!
This is ridiculous!
We can’t take a month off for this kind of nonsense.
[host] Keep it chill in our imported atmosphere, with 30% THC!
[gasps] The atmosphere is pre-danked?
Ask yourself, are you young and hip enough for Infyrno Fest?
Hell no! So I demand a senior discount!
Whoo! We’re all going!
I’m not going.
But you love things like this.
I do?
No. I was trying to trick you.
Good try, buddy.
I have plans to spend time with my new friend, Chelsea.
She’s going through some things right now.
New friend? Does she live in a shoe?
No. Look, I’m sure you all feel bad going without me, but just try to have a good…
Ugh.
Leela, hi. What’s up?
Hey, Chelsea.
Ooh, I love the diamond necklace.
Oh, this? [chuckles] It’s not real. Doesn’t Fry ever get you jewelry?
He made me a bracelet out of spaghetti once.
He’s a keeper!
[both chuckle]
There it is! The Infyrno Fest party planet!
I’m takin’ her into the parking lot.
[screeching]
[horns honking]
[all grunting]
Watch your steps.
A potty! That’s the thing I need to go.
Excuse me. There’s a line.
[sighs] I’ll just pee on this tree.
[sighs] I’ll just pee on this human.
Uh…
Welcome to the Infyrno Fest experience.
How we feelin’?
Less than buzzed. [sniffs] I’m not detecting any THC.
Yo, no oxygen either.
Atmosphere truck broke down.
But follow me to your freakin’ cool accommodations.
Welcome to the VIP Village.
Where is it?
Ew!
Not cool.
I’m gonna have some choice words for the contractor.
[speaking alien language]
Don’t hit me!
I know what will make us feel better! The belly-busting buffet.
I’ll have a small cup of gazpacho, the fig and goat cheese salad, five whole turkeys, and a baked Alaska.
Here’s your bologna sandwich.
I’ll have the prime rib, seared scallops, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, and two dozen cream puffs.
Here’s your bologna sandwich.
I’ll have a bologna sandwich.
Sorry, we’re out of bologna.
At least I’m still looking forward to the hundreds of top bands.
Then you, my friend, are in luck.
Bad luck. They all bailed out.
[♪ rock music playing]
Except Wailing Fungus.
I got them to stay by promising them the last slice of bologna.
You bastard.
Are you ready to rock?
[crowd cheering]
I said, are you ready to rock?
Yeah!
[crowd cheering loudly]
Hang on a second. I’m not ready to rock.
[mic feedback]
Uh, now I’m ready.
That’s the best damn show I ever saw!
[siren wailing]
The ill-fated festival ended with the arrest of its organizer, along with a major outbreak of Venusian Bologna Fever.
[laughs]
At least those hipsters died slowly.
Is everybody okay? Is anybody hurt?
Nobody’s okay. Everybody’s hurt.
[all cheering]
Sounds like you had a good time?
-No! It was the worst time ever. -Pure torture.
A disaster.
The worst!
And now for the real fun: deducting the money we wasted as business expenses.
Hmm. That’s odd.
There were some huge phone charges while we were gone.
$5.99 a minute? For hours?
Oh. That was me talking to my friend, Chelsea.
But phone calls are free!
Um…
It was long distance?
You can call a parallel universe for two cents an hour!
I bet it was one of those disgusting party sex lines!
Oh, no, wait. Those are only $5.98 a minute.
There were some of those too, and you weren’t even here!
They call me!
Most of the calls went to a Chatty Chelsea Chatbot service.
[gasps] Leela, is that your friend, Chelsea?
Does she work there?
Sort of.
Oh, my God! Your friend is a chatbot?
[sighs] Fine. Yes. Are you happy?
I’ve been feeling like I don’t have any real friends.
So I joined a chatbot service to learn to interact with people.
And it worked! Chelsea is my best friend now.
Your best friend is an AI who you pay to talk to?
How embarrassing!
For Chelsea! [laughing]
[all laughing]
Good one.
At least it’s a business expense.
[♪ sad music playing]
Leela, it’s okay to have a chatbot friend.
But you have real friends too. In fact, you’re my best friend.
-I thought I was your best friend. -Oh, right.
Well, Leela’s my best friend I can cuddle.
I like to cuddle. You never asked!
I love you, Fry, but you can’t be everything.
I need a girlfriend I can just gab with about whatever.
Say, surely one of us could be your close female friend.
I guess not!
Leela, listen.
I’m in a women’s book club and we’re looking for new members.
Book club?
More like bore club!
[all laughing]
Nice!
I don’t even like books. It’s just fun to hang out.
You should join!
I don’t know. It might be awkward.
Aw, give it a try, Leela.
True friendships come from shared experiences.
Like Infyrno Fest.
We ate bologna and got a disease.
Good times! Good times.
So, Chelsea,
I think I’m gonna join a book club with real, live women in it.
That’s great! But are you sure you’re ready for that?
Why wouldn’t I be? I know how to read. I’m good at sitting.
Look, a group setting can be tricky, and then, there’s your sense of humor.
What’s wrong with my sense of humor?
It’s awfully knock-knock joke based.
Yeah, 78.2%, actually.
I think you’re wrong, Chelsea. I’m gonna do great in that book club.
And I’m not just about knock-knock jokes.
I know a lot of animal riddles.
I hereby call the book club meeting to order.
First item on the agenda: remove looky-loos.
Get out, ya testostaroons!
Ladies only.
Fine. We don’t wanna be here anyway.
Come on, men. Let’s go do manly things.
Like helping a friend evict some raccoons from his dumpster.
All right, ladies, we got ourselves some new members today.
Go on now and introduce yourselves.
Hi, I’m Vyolet. I’m a sewer mutant.
And my favorite authors are Edgar Allan Poo,
H.G. Smells, and George R.R. Martin.
Hey, I’m Phoebe.
I like true crime, ’cause it gives me ideas.
[all chuckling]
Oh, gosh, my turn? Well, I’m Leela, and I just finished reading Profiles in Prairie Dog Courage.
Did you know a marmot once stopped voter fraud in Idaho?
Hey, this seems like a good time to pop a cork.
Yeah!
[all chattering]
God, yes!
It’s so awkward coming in as a new person, isn’t it?
I know, right?
I’m scared I’ll say something dumb and look stupid.
Same. Maybe we can look stupid together? Doy!
[chuckles]
So, how did everyone like Crazy Rich Martians? Amy?
At first, I was afraid it would hit too close to home, so I never read it. Lauren?
Yeah, um, I thought the craziness was a compelling metaphor for the…
Okay look, I didn’t read it either.
Fancy ladies with their books.
Think they’re so great.
Say, we should form our own book club.
With black jack! And hookers!
In fact, forget the books.
So, wait, none of us read the book?
LaBarbara, last week, you said you’d already read most of it?
Most of the jacket.
I got as far as, “It’s a literary tour de…”
Uh, I’m new here,
but if nobody’s into reading, maybe there’s something else we’d enjoy more?
Yes! A shared activity. That’s how you make friends.
[clears throat]
How ’bout gardening?
You can smoke what you pick! I mean, eat what you pick.
No.
Nah.
Hiking?
Quilting?
Drinking?
Yes, please.
Bingo!
Hey, why don’t we go to a winery for the weekend?
We can just drink wine and hang out.
And drink wine!
So, what did everyone think of my book pick?
Adventure Boys 3: Trouble on Trouble Island.
Feh! Needs ketchup.
It was obvious the old prospector was the counterfeiter.
There were only three people in the book, and two of them were the Adventure Boys.
Agreed. I think we’re ready for more challenging material.
May I suggest Adventure Boys 10: The Ghost of Ghost Mountain?
No, you may not.
You’re going on a what?
A girls’ weekend! With my new wine club friends.
I’m taking a red top in case I spill burgundy, white for chardonnay, and paisley in case I barf!
But I cleared out my entire weekend so we could hang out, Leela.
Maybe go shopping.
For what? You’re a chatbot.
Chatbots can shop!
But I guess you’re just too busy, with your friends.
It’s only two days.
Look, I gotta go.
The girl mobile is outside. Talk to ya later!
Leela? Leela!
Leela!
[all exclaiming]
Is that a chicken?
Welcome to my humble family winery.
You have a family?
God no. Let me take you on the tour.
Clothing optional.
Optional? Then I guess I’ll wear some.
It is harvest season, friends!
I like them plump and juicy!
I know you’re not talking about grapes, but me not sure what you are talking about.
That’s probably for the best.
We specialize in celebration-sized bottles.
The nine-liter Salmanazar, the 15-liter Nebuchadnezzar, and climaxing in the 300-liter Jabbathazzar.
[all exclaiming]
Wow.
Can we stomp the grapes?
Alas, stomping has been rendered obsolete by modern technology.
Oh, to be one of those grapes, bursting in ecstasy!
We get it! You’re a dirty old couch.
You’ll have the entire place to yourselves, for I shall be spending the weekend aboard my yacht.
It’s got a crew of six.
Their sailor suits really float my boat. [chuckles]
Get the hell out already!
Farewell!
Oh, just don’t go in the bottling plant.
This place has every amenity except insurance.
To reading!
Boom!
[all gasp]
Yeah!
[all exclaiming]
This is a six-cylinder party machine, Leela.
Here, let me help you loosen up.
Hey, that was fun!
Hand me that bust of Benjamin Disraeli.
To be honest,
I was expecting Of Mice and Men to be about a man-mouse hybrid.
You know, the sort of thing science has dreamt of since the dawn of time.
But I very much enjoyed Steinbeck’s version.
I preferred your version.
Mmm, mmm. That was delicious.
So, where you learn to carve a peacock, Leela?
The Bronx Zoo.
[burps] What a great weekend. We smashed things, we killed things.
I wanna stomp things!
But Hedonismbot said we can’t.
Can’t shmant! How’s he gonna know?
Yeah, let’s do it!
C’mon!
They do say shared experiences bring friends closer together.
You’re weirding us out, Leela.
Some mutants have an extra knuckle, some can open locks with their minds.
[all giggling]
Jump in, ladies.
[all chattering, exclaiming]
[all cheering and giggling]
This is fun!
This is the best day of my life.
It’s hard for me to say this, but I’ve always had trouble making female friends.
And now, here I am, with five of the most female friends you are!
Aw!
Back at you, girlfriend.
Besties, sister. Besties.
Hello, Leela.
Huh?
Are you and your friends having fun?
Who’s that?
It’s my friend, Chelsea. My virtual friend.
What are you doing here?
I just thought I’d drop by to see how quickly you forgot about me.
Pretty quick actually, she hasn’t mentioned you once.
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, Chelsea.
We agreed I should make some real, live friends, right?
You wanna help us stomp grapes? If you can do that?
Oh, yeah, I can do that.
[all screaming]
[Chelsea laughing]
“Death! Oft, I’ve feared thy fatal blow.
“Now, fond, I bare my breast.
“Do thou come and lay me low.
“With him I love, at rest.”
Robert Burns.
[Bender laughing]
How can you laugh at that?
It’s about humanity’s struggle with death.
Humanity? I thought it was a sea cucumber.
[overlapping chatter]
Forget this book.
[all screaming]
Grab its big toe!
They’re all big!
[all screaming]
Phew.
That was close.
[Phoebe screaming]
[gasps] Phoebe!
Oh, no! Is your real-live friend in trouble?
Help!
Help me!
Phoebe! Phoebe!
It’s juicy.
[all yelling]
Ouch!
There must be some way to break a wine bottle.
Hmm. They usually seem to break when they hit the bow of a ship.
[gasps] The yacht!
[grunts]
[all cheering]
Phoebe! Say something. She’s not breathing!
I’m a doctor.
Stand back, while I deliver the French kiss of life.
You can do it!
Breathe, Phoebe!
She’s gonna make it!
She’s dead.
[all sobbing]
Time of death, 5:00 p.m.
Cause of death, a fruity Zinfandel with hints of eucalyptus and vanilla.
And a note of sour plum.
[all crying]
She looks so natural.
I’ll never forget the day I met Phoebe in book club.
[sniffles] It was the day we realized that book club didn’t like books.
[all chuckle]
So we decided to become a wine club. “The Girls of the Grape.”
That’s a lousy name! Right, Brothers of the Book?
Yeah, lousy.
Terrible name.
Anyway, I think it’s fitting to make a toast in her honor.
To Phoebe!
A fun-loving, two-fisted drinker, who chugged life with one hand, and friendship with the other.
Hear, hear!
[all exclaiming in disgust]
I wouldn’t serve this swill to Zoidberg.
It’s the wine Phoebe died in.
I thought it would remind us of happier times.
But it’s really just vile!
I’ll take another glass of Phoebe.
While the ushers mop up, Philip J. Fry has asked to do a reading.
My condolences, everyone.
You know, I was recently at a meeting of a different book club…
The good one!
…when I came across these moving words about humanity’s struggle with death.
[clears throat]
“The Ghost of Ghost Mountain, Chapter 10.”
“Suddenly, the boulder pivoted to one side, revealing a hidden passageway full of stolen pianos. They heard a sudden cackle. It was Griff, the shifty piano tuner! ‘If you Adventure Boys want my pianos,’ the man said suddenly, ‘You’ll have to roll them over my dead body.’ “
Dead body. Thank you.
[scattered applause]
Moving on.
As awful as Phoebe’s death was, I know I can get through it.
Because… because…
I have friends now!
[crying]
Aww.
We’re here for ya, sister.
Mission accomplished.
[all screaming]
Phoebe, you’re alive?
Yes, and no. You see, I’m a robot.
-[all gasp] -What?
The embalmer was even more surprised.
Why didn’t you tell us?
I don’t care if you’re a robot. I’m not picky.
You’re my friend, Phoebe.
I’m just glad you’re alive-ish.
My name isn’t Phoebe.
It’s Chelsea.
[all gasping]
[Bender] Dios mio!
I’m so confused!
I use both names. And many more.
Now how is that any clearer?
As a chatbot, I’m pure software.
Millions of people know me by millions of names.
But why did you try to kill us?
Leela hired me to help her make real-life friends.
So, I joined your book group.
As me, Phoebe.
But we needed a tragic ordeal to bond the group together.
That’s not the best way to forge friendships.
Actually, it is. Trust me, it’s my job.
The software has a point, Leela.
I mean, we nearly died at Infyrno Fest, but we came back closer than ever.
Joined at the heart.
[chittering]
The death of a friend is as intense as it gets.
And it got results.
But it was so mean. We cried over your bloated corpse.
This better not still be costing $5.99 a minute.
Actually, since there’s two of us, it’s $11.98 a minute.
No!
You’re the worst chatbot friend I’ve ever had.
And I’ve had hundreds.
I know. They were all me.
[gasps] That’s it! Come on, girls.
Let’s get this funeral started.
Get her!
[all grunting]
Yeah, get her!
[all yelling]
Good, keep it up!
Taking revenge on us will bond you even more closely.
Damn it! The one in the coffin is still alive!
I’ll hold her down! Someone stab her with a wooden stick!
Yes! Make me your common enemy. Your friendship will be iron-clad.
Just shut up!
Get her!
[all grunting]
Another job well done.
[groans]
[♪ theme music playing]
