Futurama – S11E01 – Beef – Transcript

Futurama
Season 11 – Episode 1
Episode title: Beef
Original release date: August 3, 2026

Plot: On a trip to the Coney Island fair ground Fry reminisces about his brief stint as a competitive eater. He wants to restart the Coney Island hot dog eating competition, but the wieners were beef and cows are extinct.

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Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[♪ upbeat theme music playing]

[glass shatters]

[♪ theme concludes]

[♪ carnival music playing]

[roller coaster rattling]

[riders cheering]

[ride ships crashing and exploding]

[kids exclaiming]

[landing thuds]

One, two, three, lift!

[crew grunting]

[Professor yawning]

[crew groaning and panting]

Wow, we failed faster than usual.

Let’s get drunk! I’m in!

Sorry, Professor, this gravity pump is just too heavy to lift.

Hang on, you weak dopes!

[remote clicks] [device warbling]

[crew exclaiming]

Now it’s too light to lift!

[crew shouting]

[all grunting]

♪

So, why does an amusement park need a gravity pump?

It’s not for the park.

It’s for the physics department at the college next door.

Coney Island Community College? That’s my alma mater!

Man, I have such fond memories of failing outta here.

Hey, step right up!

You pays your tuition, you takes your chances!

Good afternoon, Dr. Carny.

We’re delivering the gravity pump you ordered for your relativity seminar.

Seminar? Yeah, yeah, that’s what it’s for.

Here’s a little somethin’ for your trouble.

[♪ soft music playing] Mm.

The campus has hardly changed.

There’s the old library!

[♪ carousel music playing]

[students exclaiming quietly]

Shh!

It’s kind of hard to tell where the amusement park ends and the school begins.

Well, the college operates the midway to subsidize the endowment.

Endowment? Yeah, yeah, that’s, uh, that’s what it’s for.

Ooh! I took this freshman year!

[grunts]

[gravity pump warbling]

[ball whooshes] Hey!

[♪ “Call to the Post” fanfare playing]

[bell dings]

[gravity pump warbling]

[water splashes] Hey!

[spitting]

Try your luck, folks!

Get the ball in a bowl, take home a sick fish in a bag of cloudy water!

Those poor fish!

I’m gonna win one and bring it home, so it can die more quickly.

[gravity pump warbling]

[ball thuds] Hey!

[♪ carnival music playing]

[narrator] [on monitor] Ironically, the hot dog, or frankfurter, was invented in the city of Hamburg, whereas the hamburger was invented in Frankfurt. The birthplace of the Vienna sausage remains a mystery.

Whoa, the history of the wienermobile!

Fun fact, the wienermobile actually predates the wiener!

In 1876 came the wienercycle, and 50 years later, Henry Ford’s Model W, the world’s first mass-produced wienermobile.

Wartime led to the development of the amphibious assault wiener.

Then, with the rise of the suburbs, the four-door wiener-wagon. [horn honking]

And of course, let’s not forget, the fully electric cyber-wiener.

[seductively growls] [camera snaps]

[♪ grand music plays]

[Amy] “Hotdog Eating Hall of Fame”?

That was considered a sport?

Oh, it was huge!

Competitive eaters were every bit as respected as beer pong players.

That’s me there.

I lettered in hotdog.

You were an athlete? Wow!

I can’t believe I never noticed your broad, hotdog-lifting shoulders.

[sighs] It was the one thing in my whole life I was really good at.

I could have gone all the way.

To what?

Hey, here’s another photo of you!

Well, half of you.

[Hermes] Who’s that other guy I already don’t like based on his wraparound sunglasses?

Brocky J, the villain of this flashback.

[♪ transition music playing]

[microphone feedback] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, six-time reigning champion, the Great Neck from Great Neck, Brocky J!

[crowd cheering]

[Fry] He was the pinnacle of athleticism.

Yo! Strong Island in the house!

[grunting]

[wheezing and panting]

Two packs a day, baby!

Thanks for coming and supporting me, Mom.

What? No, I’m here for Brocky J.

We love you, Brocky!

[♪ competitive music playing] [cheering and applause]

Three… two…

[mustard gun squirting]

[Fry] I may not have had Brocky’s God-given physique, but I had a stretchy stomach and my patented no-chew technique.

[contestants chomping]

I swallowed the hotdogs whole, then mixed the buns with water to make a refreshing shake.

[gulping]

Ah.

[Brocky J munching]

Yo, we almost done?

I gotta get to another hotdog eating contest.

[♪ transition music plays]

I’m also in a pie-eating contest.

[chomping]

[Fry gulping]

What’s this?!

An unheralded newcomer has pulled within a single pack of the champ.

Boo!

[announcer] Can he do it?

[bell rings] No, he cannot!

For the seventh year in a row, Brocky J takes the Beef Belt!

[crowd cheering]

Congrats, buddy, you came in second place.

AKA you lost!

Also, your mom gave me her number.

Yeah-ya! [chuckles]

[hotdogs squishing]

[camera snaps]

[Fry] What a jerk!

I was in training to beat him the next year, but that’s when I got frozen.

FYI, that’s how I ended up here in the future.

So, now you tell us!

I never got my rematch.

And you never will. Brocky’s dead!

[♪ dramatic sting] [Amy gasps]

Oh, wait, it was 1,000 years ago.

Poor fella died from eatin’ an undercooked hotdog.

Aww. Beautiful display, though!

[♪ somber music playing]

[Fry sighs]

Sometimes I miss having a skill.

There’s a hotdog stand right here.

I bet you still got the moves.

Yeah? Maybe I do!

One hotdog, please.

Enjoy.

[♪ heroic music playing]

[slurps]

[choking and gagging]

[wheezing] Help!

[elongated] Help!

[♪ tense music playing]

[Fry choking]

Stand back! I know the Heimlich maneuver!

[punch thuds]

[chomping, chewing]

[gulps] L’Heimlich!

[Fry panting]

I don’t understand.

Hotdogs used to just slide down my gullet, like a flume ride.

Well, naturally!

The hotdogs you ate in 1999 were made from beef.

But ever since cows went extinct, they’ve been made from plants and plant byproducts.

They managed to recreate the flavor perfectly, but they never got the coefficient of friction quite right.

[hotdogs combusting]

Then my dreams of being a hotdog-eating champion are dead.

I’m hanging up my barf bag.

Do they even hold the hotdog eatin’ contest anymore?

Nah, they canceled the whole kajigger.

Once they switched to veggie, the winner could only eat maybe six or seven dogs.

No one wants to see that.

Quit wasting my time!

♪

[hangar doors close]

Stupid veggie dogs!

Wrecked my one chance to be good at something.

You’re pretty good at whining.

[Professor Farnsworth] Ooh, now, hold on.

Perhaps science holds a solution.

Science? I’ve heard of that.

[holograph zapping]

The cow may be extinct, but its DNA might still exist.

For example… [button clicks]

[buzzing] if a mosquito bit a cow and was subsequently preserved in amber, we might be able to extract DNA… [syringe slurping] from the blood cells it drank!

Scientists discovered the technique in 1993 by watching Jurassic Park.

If there’s even the slightest chance to bring back slippery beef, we’ve gotta move mountains!

Hmm. We’d need to search someplace that had tons of cattle and tons of mosquitoes.

Yee-haw!

I reckon we’re off to Texas to rustle up some amber, baby.

I’m afraid you’ve mis-reckoned, Bender.

Our best bet is Brazil.

Okay, okay, hang on.

[singing] ♪ Bossa nova, samba, samba! ♪

♪ Cha-cha-cha! Hey! ♪

[vocalizing]

[maracas rattling]

[♪ epic music playing]

[Planet Express rockets zooming]

[landing gear hisses, thuds]

[ambient rainforest noise]

[river water rushing]

This is a cattle ranch? It was.

But after cows went extinct, it was abandoned, and thousands of acres of pristine rainforest grew in its place.

What a tragedy.

[water rushing]

Amber is actually fossilized tree resin.

So, occasionally, mosquitoes and other pests become trapped in it.

[voice muffled] Friends, help! I’m being preserved!

Quiet, Zoidberg.

I found some amber. Me too!

And what’s that in the water?

[water splashing]

Ow!

♪

[scanner zapping]

[scanner beeps]

[cow moos]

Moo-reka!

We got one chunk of amber with a mosquito that bit a cow!

The rest of this precious garbage can go.

[amber chunks clattering]

Now, we just need to extract some putrefied blood from the mosquito’s withered bowels.

Ew!

Oh, don’t worry, it’s far too tiny to be disgusting.

[zooming chirps]

[blood cells trickling]

Gotcha! [gleefully giggling]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Each cloning chamber should produce a full-grown cow in precisely three to five business days!

[♪ dramatic transition music playing]

[Hermes] And… we’re back.

Release the cows!

[chamber doors opening]

[Bender] Here they come!

[mosquitoes buzzing]

[group exclaiming]

Where’s the beef?

[buzzing continues] Dammit!

I must have cloned mosquito cells instead of cow cells.

Jeff Goldblum made it look so easy in the movie.

Oh, no, I’m afraid I have malaria!

And I’m afraid I gave it to the mosquito that bit me.

I’ll try lightin’ up some Jamaican citronella.

[flames sizzling]

Does it work? No.

But if you get bitten, you don’t care as much.

I’m sorry, Fry.

Despite our craziest efforts, it seems the cow’s genetic profile is lost forever.

[sniffling] I wish I had died like Brocky J.

Wait! The citronella gave me an idea!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[crickets chirping]

[quietly] This undercooked death-dog might still contain cow DNA.

[torch whooshing] I’ll cut the glass, then swap in a half-chewed veggie dog…

[gagging]

of exactly the same mass.

[♪ suspenseful music playing] [glass cutting]

Just take it!

It’s disgusting. I hate lookin’ at that thing!

Aw, come on! You’re taking the fun out of it!

[sighs] Fine!

[half-heartedly] Stop, thief. You’ll never get away with it.

[Bender grunting]

[sneaky chuckling]

I just pray this hotdog is as undercooked as the history books say.

[liquid slurping]

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

Release the I-hope-cows!

[chamber doors opening]

[cows mooing sluggishly]

[group cheering]

We have the meats!

Aw, it’s adorable.

Look at those sweet, sad ears.

It’s like those paintings of the big-eyed kids who you wanna punch in the face.

What are you sad about, buddy?

[button beeping]

[conveyor belt whirring] [cleavers chopping]

[Fry] Don’t be scared. You can tell me.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[Fry screaming]

♪

[cows mooing]

I mean, I guess I knew in my heart that the cows had to be killed, I just didn’t know in my brain.

Now, now, no use crying over spilled blood.

You can rest easy knowing the cows are killed instantaneously!

So, they don’t suffer?

‘Cause I can’t bear the thought of a living creature suffering.

Well, whether they suffer or not is a difficult philosophical question.

Maybe they don’t experience pain like we do.

Or maybe they like having a metal bolt fired through their skull at the speed of sound.

Eh, you gotta break a few cows to make a hotdog.

I love 100% all-beef hotdogs more than anything in the world!

Well, anything except Leela.

I’m just happy to make the list.

But you know what they say: if you love something, set it free.

Unless it’s Leela.

[♪ gentle music playing] [hangar door whirring]

[hooves clopping]

[door thuds]

[truck horn blaring] [cows frantically mooing]

[horns blaring] [cows splattering]

[Randy] Someone call a cow ambulance!

I couldn’t let those poor cows suffer.

[tires screeching] [cow moos, splatters]

It’s just too bad you can’t have beef without cows.

What?! That’s easy!

Why didn’t you say that before?

Have you never heard of lab-grown meat? Never!

Neither have I!

But I’m confident I can make it in vast quantities.

[liquid slurping]

Instead of cloning the whole cow, I’ll just grow immense throbbing globules of muscle fiber!

Yum! [liquid squirts]

[cells squelching]

The hard part was making the buns.

[bell dings]

Okay, the moment of truth.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[chewing rapidly]

[gulps]

It’s perfect!

Beef-ish, slippery, and I’m getting tiny, little heartburn!

[group cheering]

We’re back in business!

By the way, we had gone out of business.

♪

[hangar door opening]

[ship rockets zooming]

[♪ cheerful jingle playing]

♪ Hot dogs ♪

♪ Lab-grown hot dogs ♪

♪ All kinds of kids like them ♪

♪ Dumb kids ♪

♪ Ugly kids ♪

♪ Kids with funny glasses ♪

♪ Old kids ♪

♪ Stinky kids ♪

♪ Kids with shiny, metal asses ♪

[announcer] FarnDogs!

The world’s first 100% meat-based veggie dogs!

♪ The dogs kids really, really eat! ♪

[kids laughing and cheering]

♪

[calculator clicking] The only thing growin’ faster than those vats of pulsatin’ muscle fiber is my bank account.

I-I mean, our bank account.

[protesters] [chanting] Free the beef! Free the beef!

We grew these in a vat.

No creature suffered. What are you protesting?

Uh… we’re not sure.

That’s why our signs are blank.

It just seems sorta like… eh-eh.

You want a lab-grown hotdog?

Thanks, I’m pretty hungry, By the way, in case you’re interested, we’re bringing back the world-famous hotdog eating contest!

[protesters cheering]

I’m going into training!

It’s time to get swole.

[waistband snaps]

Did you just change on the street?

Yes, I did, Hermes.

[♪ upbeat polka music playing]

[chomping]

[gulping]

[face puckering]

[♪ polka music continues] [grunting]

[chewing]

[gulping]

I’ve gained 15 pounds and I’m in the worst shape of my life.

I’m ready for action!

I’m proud of you.

[softly] And I’m kind of into your new dad bod.

[both smooching, moaning]

Hey, hey! No, bowm-chicka-bowm-bowm the night before the big contest!

[chuckling] Oh! Oh, right! Sorry.

I never dated an elite athlete before.

Well, goodnight, everyone.

I’m gonna go get a few hours of shut-mouth.

[lights click]

[crickets chirping]

[conveyor belt whirring] [hotdogs splatting]

[alarm blaring]

[♪ ominous music playing]

[meat squelching]

[♪ horror sting]

[♪ exciting music playing]

[landing thuds]

[Don Cunningham] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Wienerdome! [crowd cheering]

Don Cunningham here for the historic return of the Coney Island Hotdog Eating Contest.

Proudly sponsored by FarnDogs, the slippery dog that goes down fast.

[crowd cheering]

I germinated them!

I’m so nervous. Am I sweating?

You look great.

I’ve honestly never found you hotter.

[♪ game show music playing] And now, let’s meet the contestants competing for the coveted Beef Belt.

Champion of the chicken wing circuit, Joey Butternut!

[cheering and applause]

Live sea urchin specialist, Takeru Kobayashi the 43rd!

The Barbarian of the Buffet, Slim Gluttenstein!

[cheering and applause continues]

Junior league titleist, Tonya.

[crowd] Awww.

[Don] The mound of Jell-O from Monticello, H.G. Blob!

[cheering and applause]

And coming out of a thousand-year retirement, runner-up at the 1999 competition where he was brutally humiliated by the legendary Brocky J, it’s Philip “Nice Try” Fry!

I’ve met him!

[cheering and applause]

[Don] Okay, contestants, you gotta put ’em down, and you gotta keep ’em down, no reversals.

On your marks!

Off your marks. We have a late entry.

[meat squelching]

[♪ horror music playing]

[crowd gasping]

[footsteps squelching]

Yo, yo, yo, what up, home slices?

The name’s Brocky J!

[crowd murmuring]

But, this is impossible!

Not only is it not impossible, it was inevitable!

I probably should’ve mentioned it earlier.

You see… the hotdog from which we obtained our DNA sample had been bitten by Brocky J.

It must have been contaminated with a little of his saliva.

Hey, more than a little, you know what I’m sayin’? [chuckles]

Evidently, the human DNA and cow DNA combined in the growth tank to form this trash-talking abomination.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I remember you.

You’re that loser I wasted in 1999!

Hang on.

If you were just grown in a lab, how can you have Brocky J’s memories and personality?

I read my autobiography on the way over.

Well, I guess that makes sense.

No, it actually doesn’t!

When did you learn to read?!

I didn’t! It’s the audiobook.

Now, if you’re done with the interrogation, Kojak, I’m ready to kick your ass a second time!

No one’s kicking anyone’s ass.

I mean… Wait…

I am, you’re not.

Can I start over?

No! We’re behind schedule.

[cowbell clanking]

[♪ intense music playing] [contestants munching furiously]

[gulping]

[slurping]

[chomping]

[softly chewing]

Huh. I guess I don’t really like hotdogs.

I’ve never tried one before.

Not for me, thanks.

That’s one contestant down.

Thirty seconds into our competition, the leader is H.G. Blob!

[hotdogs squishing]

[♪ intense music playing]

[Tonya grunts] [H.G. groaning]

[hotdogs plopping] [buzzer blaring]

[whistle blows] Security, take her away!

[H.G. fizzling]

[contestants munching]

[Slim thuds]

[munching continues]

[broom scraping]

[Takeru chokes, explodes]

This is unbelievable, folks!

We’re down to a rematch of the historic 1999 finale, when Philip Fry was decimated…

[chomping, chewing] obliterated, dare I say, emasculated by…

[mouth full] Will you shut up?!

That’s my man up there!

[♪ intense music playing]

[both gobbling, gulping]

You’re pathetic, bro.

And by the way, I enjoyed reading about your mom in my autobiography!

[laughing obnoxiously]

[stomach gurgling]

[Brocky J groaning]

[wailing in pain]

[crowd gasping]

Oh, God!

It hurts!

What’s happening to me?!

Is there a doctor in the house?

I’m a doctor.

[chewing] Mm!

[Brocky J wailing]

Why does my stomach hurt so bad?!

I can’t be sure, but it might be because you ate 82 hotdogs in nine minutes.

I’m in freakin’ agony!

You gotta do something, Doc!

Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do.

This is a severe stomachache, and there’s no cure except to wait a little while until it goes away.

I don’t have a little while!

I can’t bear it!

[sobbing]

Fry, you and me go way back.

I need you to do me a solid.

Please.

[sobbing]

Me? What can I do?

Put me out of my misery. [sobbing]

Eat me!

[crowd gasping]

You want me to eat you alive?

I can’t do that!

The whole idea of lab-grown meat was to eliminate suffering.

I am suffering!

I’m begging you, eat me!

I know you’re not very good at it, but, please, give it a shot!

[whimpering]

[♪ somber music playing]

Okay, if it will end your suffering.

[weakly] God bless you.

I’ll put a little mustard on me for you.

♪

[Fry munching] Ladies and gentlemen, we are witnessing the most selfless act of heroism ever performed at a competitive eating event.

[Fry chewing]

[weakly] The pain… it’s gone.

Thank you…

[gasps] …loser.

[Fry gagging]

[gagging continues]

[slurping]

[bell dings] [Don] Hotdogs down!

I’m checking the scores, and…

I don’t believe it!

Philip Fry has won with a record 163 hotdogs!

And that last one was a doozy!

[fireworks booming] [crowd cheering]

This has been Don Cunningham, signing off, as I race to beat traffic on the Verrazzano Bridge.

Here’s your Beef Belt. It just goes on like a regular belt.

I gotta run.

[running footsteps]

[microphone feedback]

Friends, it’s been quite a journey.

I’d like to thank the good people at FarnDog Industries, Leela for believing in me…

[Leela] Whoo!

And most of all, Brocky J, for pushing me to reach my full potential.

He may be gone, but a part of him is still here… [patting] with me.

[gags]

[Bender] Not for long!

[♪ upbeat theme music playing]