Family Guy
Season 24 – Episode 9
Episode title: Phony Montana
Original air date: March 15, 2026
Plot: While attending a migrant support rally, Brian hits on a Cuban-American food vendor named Carmen Perez (Melissa Fumero). After her original date is deported, she agrees to go on a date at the Quahog Havana Club, where the loud horn section and cigarette smoke give Brian a migraine. After passing out, Brian wakes up with a Cuban accent (provided by Carlos Alazraqui) and is concerned that he might offend Carmen if he speaks to her like that. After failing to get his old voice back on his own, Brian borrows an AI voice modulating necklace to wear to Carmen’s cousin’s wedding. Brian only attends when Stewie claims that Jenna Ortega might be attending. Meanwhile, Peter and Lois go on a double date with Crystal and Clay Duffy, who are actually swingers according to Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland. Despite not being interested in sleeping with them but still wanting to be asked, Peter and Lois try to flirt. On the night of the wedding of Carmen’s cousin, Brian’s AI necklace malfunctions after squirrels chew on the wires according to Stewie. Brian offends everyone and sets off a bread fight led by Carmen’s parents (Alfred Molina and Alanna Ubach). He is knocked out with a baguette thrown by the DJ and falls into the fountain as Stewie asks some people near him about some dance lessons. Meanwhile, Peter and Lois take it too far after being invited to Crystal and Clay’s house. Crystal and Clay reveal that they are swingers, but aren’t into them sexually. While arguing about their approach to the situation, Peter and Lois initiate violent sex on their couch before getting kicked out with the Duffy’s pet chihuahua. In the final scene, the Griffins are on their phone as Brian states to Stewie that the baguette caused him to regain his normal voice and Carmen won’t speak to him again. Stewie decides not to show the dance footage to Brian.
* * *
Transcript
Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.
You see this crap about Ron DeSantis?
He’s sending a bus full of migrants from Florida up to Quahog.
And I don’t like it.
Immigrants are trying to take jobs away from hardworking Americans like me.
You faked Covid five times this month.
Huh. They’re having a rally tomorrow to welcome them here.
I’m gonna go down there and see what’s really going on.
Have fun with the other unemployed, bleeding hearts.
Peter, are you gonna do the dishes you said you’d do?
Ugh! Can’t we get an immigrant for that already?
Where do you think you’re going?
Boar’s Head is unveiling a new cold cut, and me and the guys won tickets.
So far, they’ve only released a silhouette of the meat.
I threw $100 on bison.
Never know. Peter, We have dinner with Crystal and Clay tonight.
We talked about this yesterday.
Lois, was yesterday a hard alcohol day?
[sighs] Yes.
And do I typically remember things you say to me when I drink hard alcohol?
No. Then why…
I forget. I had hard alcohol today.
How do we even know these people?
No idea.
I have rescheduled this so many times, I can’t remember who they are.
Lois. Hey, you guys. Ha.
You know, I just want to get this out of the way.
I am completely blanking on how we met.
Oh! Thank God.
Me, too!
But it doesn’t matter.
We’re here now.
You weren’t the one who got in a fistfight in my yoga class, were you?
[chuckles nervously] No, it wasn’t me.
I’m sure whoever it was had her reasons.
Like maybe that bitch shouldn’t have run her bitch mouth.
I don’t know. I wasn’t there.
Hey, Peter, I’m Clay.
Listen, I don’t want to sound like a fanboy, but did I hear you work at Pawtucket Pat?
Yeah. Why?
That’s maybe, like, the coolest job
I’ve ever heard of anyone having.
It… It is? Dude! Yes!
You gotta tell me what it’s like to work there.
Lois. This guy is legit like a rock star to me.
See, Lois, I told you I ain’t just some bum.
You don’t like football by any chance, do you, Peter?
[gasps] Lois, I’m gonna be over here with Clay.
Well, look who came around.
Maybe we should all hang out more often.
I’m in. We’re always in the market for some cool friends.
Oh, us, too. Remember those weirdos we hung out with last week?
You know, honey, you could at least make a guess.
I don’t make a guess until you give me credit card info.
Maybe let’s not talk about the arrangement in front of friends, okay?
What do we want? [in Spanish] No hablo ingles.
When do we want it? [in Spanish] No hablo ingles.
Hi, there. This is gonna sound like I’m just here for the food, but the Instagram post said there’d be food.
Oh, I’m sorry. We just ran out.
That’s fine. I’m Brian, dog guy.
Hello, Brian, the dog guy. I’m Carmen.
Nice to meet you.
You know, immigrants are kind of like dogs to me.
Excuse me. Oh, no, no, I wasn’t…
I mean, we’re separated from our families, put in cages, and all you can do is hope there’s a group of nice people somewhere
willing to share their home with you. I see what you mean.
So where are you from? I’m from Cuba.
Oh, nice. You guys got elephants and stuff, right?
I think you’re thinking of Africa.
No, I think, uh… Pretty sure.
Yeah, whatever.
Listen, I’m volunteering today, so I have to go help out.
Look, I don’t normally do this.
But is there any chance we could go out sometime?
I’m so sorry.
You seem great, but I just agreed to go out with that guy.
[man grunts]
Actually, never mind. I’m free.
If you want, I’m going to the Havana Club tonight at six.
You should come. Okay, I’ll be there.
Thanks.
[sighs] America at work.
Immigrants, liberals, conservatives, and the one guy with absolutely no idea what’s going on here today.
What’s going on here? Some kind of festival?
[♪ chorus singing]
I stay out of politics.
[♪ upbeat salsa music playing]
Hey, there you are.
Oh, you made it! Allowed to smoke in here, huh?
Gosh, you really look incredible.
Oh, thank you.
I got here early so we could be in the horn section.
S-Sorry, you said “in the horn section”?
[blaring]
Is it too loud for you?
I know dogs have very sensitive hearing.
No, no, this is– this is great.
Do you like for horns to be louder?
No, no, no. That’s, that’s okay.
You like for horns to be louder.
[deafening]
They played this at my mother’s funeral.
Man, you really missed out on the Boar’s Head event, Peter.
Joe even got some chick’s number.
Hospice nurse. I, uh, I gotta have a talk with you guys at some point.
Why’d you bail, Peter?
Lois had a dinner scheduled with another couple.
That’s so lame. I hate that stuff.
You know what? I just said that to sound cool.
I enjoy meeting new people.
I usually hate it, too. But these guys were fun.
Clay and Crystal something. [gasps]
Oh, boy. What?
Crystal and Clay Duffy? Yeah. So what?
Peter, those guys… How do I say this?
…engage in inter-relationship coitus on the reg.
Huh? They’re swingers, like the biggest in town.
They try with everyone. Big time!
They tried that with me and Bon.
I stayed out in the car.
Bon went in for a few hours to talk to them about it.
That never happened again, uh… except for a couple weeks later…
[sighs despondently] One other time, I guess.
Hey, how was the date?
The date was awesome, but that Cuban place was so loud and there was cigar smoke everywhere.
I feel like I’m getting a migraine or something. I just…
[Stewie] Brian!
Brian! Oh, thank God.
Are you okay? [in Cuban accent] Yeah, I’m good man.
Just, uh… Just give it a little space, okay?
What? What?
You got diaper cream in your ears?
I said back up, baby.
Why are you talking like Scarface?
I… I don’t know, man. I just opened my mouth, and this is the voice that comes out, you know?
And when I open my mouth, blood comes out.
Okay. Again, Chris, that’s not funny.
What Brian’s doing is funny.
When we pass on an idea, you really need to move on.
[stomach grumbles]
I’m starting to get a little hungry.
Do you think you could get, like, an English muffin or something?
I really like the nooks and crannies, man.
So, what do you think, doc?
How come I wake up sounding like this?
Well, it’s unusual, but this is a very real thing.
Google it. It’s called Foreign Accent Syndrome.
It’s usually brought on by some kind of trauma to the brain.
I’m guessing that migraine scrambled you all up.
So this is like an actual disorder?
Yeah, I saw it on 60 Minutes.
They had on this English lady that woke up sounding Chinese.
But everyone gets all pissed if I do it.
You know, I wonder if you sound that way because you were around all those Cuban people at the club.
Oye, Stewie! Carmen says she’s gonna come by the hospital.
She can’t hear me sound like this.
She’s gonna think I’m making fun of her.
All right, Just relax. Maybe we can–
Brian, how are you doing?
I came as soon as I heard.
[Brian grunts] Sorry. He’s not talking yet.
Aww! My poor little guy.
You don’t need to say a word.
You just relax.
Doctor. [exasperated] What?
Do you think it’s worth checking him for, like, a stroke or brain cancer?
Come on, man. It’s 4:45.
So you’ll never guess what the guys had to say about Clay and Crystal.
Apparently, they’re like major swingers.
What? [laughs] No, that’s ridiculous.
Seriously, all three of them said they tried stuff with them.
Well, now this is weird.
We’re seeing them again tomorrow night.
I mean, do we cancel?
I don’t think so.
We had fun with them.
Who cares what they do in their private lives?
But what do we do if they try something with us?
Well, obviously, we say no.
Obviously, that’s not us.
No, we’d never do anything like that.
We don’t have to. What we have is great.
The best. [chuckles]
I mean, would it be nice to be asked?
Sure. Sure. Right.
It’d be nice to know we’re at least in the pool of consideration.
It’d be great to be in the pool.
I think I’m going to get a facial tomorrow.
Not because of this, but because I need one.
Totally. And I gotta buy deodorant.
Not because of this, but because mine’s all the way down to the plastic. Thing’s like a cheese grater.
You’ve got a lot of nice things in this room.
Purple octopus.
I ain’t never had no purple octopus. Time machine.
Hey, what, you gonna impact the past or something, man?
Disrupt the space-time continuum?
All right, stop just riffing on things you see.
Now, if you’re going to continue seeing Carmen, we’ve got to try and get your speaking voice back.
Try to repeat exactly what I say.
“It’s really nice to see you again, Carmen.”
It’s nice to be here with you, baby.
You’re gonna get humped like you wouldn’t believe tonight.
Okay, not quite there.
“So, Carmen, do you have any pets?”
I seen a mouse this one time. Thing was crazy, bro.
Running all around with a little tail moving side to side.
I thought that thing was gonna bite me, man.
Can you guys keep it down in here?
Sorry. We were just trying to– I don’t need to know why.
I just need you to shut up.
Hey, that’s your flesh and blood, man.
You don’t talk to him like that. I’m sorry.
Next time I hear you talk that way, I’m gonna kick you so hard, your big ass gonna land in Saskatchewan.
Mom! Brian said I have a big ass in a Scarface voice.
Well, that was yet another fantastic evening with you two.
Totally. Always love a little time with the Griffs.
So, um, what, uh…
What now? Do we keep her going?
Yeah. What’s the, uh… What’s the old game plan-arino?
Oh! You know, I think I’m done for the night.
Oh, come on! It’s only nine o’clock.
I mean, I’m up for a little fun. Oh! [chuckles nervously]
Next time. I’m a little zonked, too.
Great to see you again, Peter.
Oh, no, I think we’ve leveled up to hugs.
Get in here, you.
[chuckles nervously] Okay.
We’ll see you guys again soon.
Swingers, my ass.
Maybe they’re just not into us.
Uh, no. If anything, it’s us that’s not into them.
Yeah, they’d be lucky to get us, but we’re not that type of people.
Ew! No!
Ew, like what even is that life?
Sad is what it is.
Doing it in weird places.
Just having sex with every couple they meet.
Well, every couple except us.
Except us.
Why not us?
Where are you going? They left their cornbread.
Hopefully they didn’t clear the table yet.
Hold that door, please.
Just try not to talk too much.
You’re gonna get us beat up with that accent you’re doing.
It’s so weird, man.
In my mind, it sounds like I’m just talking regular and outside, I end up sounding like some kind of big banana head.
Hot chocolate for Brain. You say “Brain?”
Do you know anyone named “Brain?”
It’s Brian! As in Dennehy, Cranston and Cox.
I’m sorry, sir.
That guy’s got matcha powder in his ears or something.
A lot of stuff in people’s ears today.
[cell phone ringing]
Oh, crap, man. It’s Carmen.
I keep avoiding her calls.
I don’t want her to think I’m mocking her, you know.
Brian, you have to answer. She’s going to think you’re not into her anymore.
[in high-pitched voice] Hello? Brian’s phone.
This is Miss Penny Apple, Brian’s assistant.
We dated for a little while, but we disclosed it to HR, so it was all aboveboard.
[grunts] Anyway, I ended it after he got physical.
Oh, that sounds lovely.
He’ll be there. Bye, dear.
Well? [in normal voice] Her cousin’s getting married Saturday, and she wants to bring you as her date.
What? Her whole family is going to think
I’m making fun of their accents.
There’s no way I can go.
She said Jenna Ortega is going to be there.
Buenas noches!
[announcer] We’ll be back with more…
[announcer reading]
…after this.
So what you think?
How am I gonna go to this wedding sounding like this?
Yeah, we sure don’t want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.
Hey, mailman!
No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh?
The sound wakes me up from my doggy naps.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
I’m not even the courier for your postal route.
That’s Laverne!
Those people are absolute weirdos.
They call themselves swingers.
Two whole dinners and not even an elbow brush on the boob.
Not that we would even
do anything anyway. Of course not.
I mean, not that any of this matters because we’re normal people.
That being said, it would be nice to be asked.
It would be nice to be freaking asked.
Maybe they’re waiting for a third night with us.
What do you mean? Well, in the dating world, three dates usually mean sex is on the table.
Oh, I see.
So, this is all just part of the dance, huh?
They’re trying to see
if we’re actually into them. Which we’re not.
No. It’s got to be that.
All right, I’m texting them.
Now? Won’t that look desperate?
Desperate? They’re the ones trying to swing with us.
To which we’ll promptly say no.
Moment it happens, without hesitation, we shut it down. Shut it down.
[message tone plays] We’re in.
Dinner at their house tomorrow night. Oh, at their house?
Could they be any more obvious about it?
Yeah. Be a little artful about it, guys.
So, first time I’m seeing that.
I can’t say I like it.
I can’t believe you got me in this mess, man.
I got, like, butterflies in my stomach.
I can feel ’em all flapping around, you know?
You have nothing to worry about.
I’ve developed an AI voice modulator to match your natural speaking voice. Here, put this on.
You think this thing’s gonna work, man? [modulator beeps]
[in normal voice] I don’t want to upset Carmen.
Oh, hey, wow! It’s me again.
Testing. One, two, three. [beeps]
[in Cuban accent] I will break your freaking head open, man.
[beeps] [in normal voice] Testing, 1, 2, 3.
Great. It works. And I’ll be in your ear the whole time in case anything goes wrong.
So don’t worry. [modulator beeps]
It is nice to see you again, Carmen.
I am enjoying your company tonight.
Olive Garden Summer Nights are back.
[in Cuban accent] Hey, wait! What the hell was that?
Oh, yeah, the software has ads sometimes.
Ads? What do you mean, ads?
They want 13 bucks a month now for premium. Deal with it.
[all laughing] Brian. There you are.
I’d like you to meet my mother and father.
[Stewie, over earpiece] Play it cool. You got this?
It’s nice to meet you, Brian.
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Perez.
What a beautiful night for a wedding.
Carmen tells me you are a writer.
I enjoy putting pen to paper and allowing my heart to do the rest.
If you or someone you love has been injured in a work accident, it’s time to call Feinstein and Forlizzi, PC.
Thank you, Brian. I will keep this, uh, Feinstein in mind.
Don’t forget Forlizzi. [all laugh]
[Stewie] See? I told you it would work.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Ugh! The Postmates guy forgot the ketchup.
Hey, buddy, I think you forgot the ketchup.
[man] Oh, I’m sorry, man. I gotta go pick up my kid from camp.
[Stewie] Tell him he’s gonna be there for a bit.
It’s your job. I don’t know what to tell you.
[doorbell dings]
Did you take a Harry Potter patch off that blazer before you put it on?
Yeah. Only thing is, they’re not gonna know I’m a Ravenclaw.
That should be fine. Right?
Hey, good to see you.
We felt bad about how things ended the other night, so thought we could have a do over.
I’m a Ravenclaw, by the way.
You guys look nice.
You didn’t have to get all dressed up.
This is a sweat suit from Target.
A very sexy sweat suit, I might add.
Wow, Great house.
Are these the original hardwoods?
I’m a huge hardwood guy, you know what I mean, Crystal?
Oh, this is a big comfy couch. [laughs coyly]
What do you say we I don’t know, hang out, put on some Natalie Imbrog… Imbrug…
The chick who sings “Torn.”
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Maybe.
Warm tonight, isn’t it?
Guys, what’s going on here? You’re acting really weird.
What? Aren’t you guys swingers?
We like to have fun, yeah, but we don’t do it with everyone.
Then, then what? What’s wrong with us?
Don’t take it so personally.
Every pair of swingers has one flaccid friendship.
Yeah, you know, just kind of a meat and potatoes couple you go bowling with once in a while.
We just like hanging out with you guys as friends.
I don’t even know what you’re talking about, but we don’t want to be anything more than friends with you guys.
Maybe it’s best we just call it a night.
Please. I’ll pay for it. How much to make it happen right now?
Touch it. Oh, would you stop it already?
They probably don’t want us because you come off so desperate.
Me? You’re practically draping yourself all over ’em.
Because I’m the candy here, Peter.
If there’s any chance of this happening, it’s because of me.
You’re nothing. You hear me? Nothing.
[both growling menacingly]
[both moaning]
[dog barking]
Well, we didn’t swing, but we did have violent sex in front of another couple.
There’ll be a little asterisk in the record books, but it still kind of counts.
Their dog was barking at us the whole time.
[all laughing]
Stewie, What are you doing here?
Oh, just wanted to check out the scene.
Things seem to be going so well.
I thought I’d ramp it up a notch. What do you mean?
[clinking]
Everyone. Brian would like to say a few words to the bride and the groom.
I’m sorry. What?
[scattered applause]
Um, hello. First of all, I’d like to thank you for having me here.
Back To School Season is almost here at Macy’s.
What I mean to say is you can save 15% on car insurance at Home Depot.
There’s no job too big. [Stewie] Little problem, Brian.
I left the van open and there are squirrels everywhere.
They’re climbing all over the equipment and they got my nuggets, and now they’re gnawing on the wires.
[line breaks, static] Wait, Stewie.
[in Cuban accent] Does that mean this thing don’t work no more?
Okay, enough of this, man.
Yeah, I got a few things I’d like to say.
How’s everybody doing tonight, eh?
This guy gonna hump that chick real good tonight, man.
I’ll tell you that. [all gasp]
Funny thing about immigrants, man.
You’re all like a bunch of dogs to me.
[all gasp] [growls]
Cheers to all the immigrant dogs here tonight.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Say hello to my little friend.
Hey, I’m Stewie.
What do you think you are doing?
Coming here and doing some disgusting impersonation of my family?
Hey, man, you don’t understand.
No, you don’t understand.
What you think, big man?
Do you think you got a bigger shirt collar than me?
Do you think your car’s interior has a better animal print than mine?
Do you think your crocodile boots have more lines between the crocodile parts than mine?
Do you think you’ve got more pineapples on your shirt than me?
Let’s count them. Let’s have a little contest and see who the most pineapple-y guy is tonight.
Everyone throw your dinner rolls at him.
You think you can take me?
You’re gonna need an army to take me.
Huh? I’m still standing, eh!
I take your rolls!
One of you boys gonna teach me how to samba, or do I need to figure out a new Saturday?
Well, it’s a good thing that crack on the head brought your voice back to normal.
[in normal voice] Yeah, but I’m bummed
Carmen’s never gonna speak to me again. I really liked her.
Eh! I saw you dance at the wedding.
You weren’t gonna make it in a Latin family.
What’s wrong with the way I dance?
You want to see a video of it?
Probably not, right? I wouldn’t.
