Family Guy
Season 24 – Episode 7
Episode title: Scent of a Woman
Original air date: March 8, 2026
Plot: At Goldman’s Pharmacy, Brian shows Stewie his ability to identify people’s diseases just by sniffing them. He later swipes what he thinks is Patty’s bra at Meg’s Toronto Raptors-themed birthday sleepover, where his nose detects breast cancer. Meg reveals that the bra is hers, and upon learning she might die, reveals her biggest bucket list item: eating trash can nachos at Chaz Inferno’s in Florida. Brian agrees to help make it happen Meanwhile, Peter gets hooked on truth or dare via the same sleepover and initaites a game with Lois, who backs out upon being asked how many men she’s slept with.. Meg later gets a call from Dr. Hartman revealing that she does not have cancer. She decides to keep it a secret, though Brian gets called the next day and learns the truth. Upset at leaving the game unfinished, Peter repeatedly tries to get an answer until Lois accepts his dare to rollerblade off the Swansons’ roof into their pool, only to miss and breaks her leg. Peter apologizes, but Lois decides to confess that she’s slept with sixty men. Peter is upset by this. When called out by Brian on her selfishness, Meg admits her true dream was to spend quality time with a family member who wasn’t mocking her. While admitting that the bra was obtained by the thrift store, Meg is advised to dispose of it as they see Peter outside of a Dairy Queen. In the final scene, Lois tells a jealous Peter he’s bigger than those other men as the announcer quotes “Marriage. Just Lie”.
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Transcript
Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.
[♪ theme music playing]
[Lois] Hey, did you think any more about how you want to celebrate your birthday? It’s coming up quick?
[Meg] Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto Raptors themed sleepover could be fun.
[Lois] Why do you always like the worst version of everything?
[Meg] That is not true. [gasps] I’ll be right back. I forgot I’m out of Toms of West Virginia toothpaste. Same stuff as Maine, but made for less teeth.
[Stewie] Ugh, look at all the Jewish candy bars Mort’s got in here. One Musketeer, Bubble Yuk, Oy Henry, Almond Content But Not Quite Joy.
[Brian] Forget that, check this out. I can tell you exactly which ailment each of these people in line has.
[Stewie] What? How can you do that?
[Brian] It’s a known fact. Dogs can smell all kinds of different medical conditions. Watch. [sniffs] She has diabetes. [sniffs] He has migraines. [sniffs] And that guy’s got… um, that… that thing… What’s the thing that Magic Johnson has…
[Stewie] AIDS?
[Brian] Yeah, that.
[Stewie] You forgot about AIDS?
[Brian] It was never a dog thing!
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[Lois] There’s always one who shows up in their pajamas ’cause they don’t wanna change in a strange house. It’s four o’clock, dear. You’re gonna ruin those slippers walking from the car.
I don’t care.
[Meg] You guys all know Patty, Ruth and Esther. And since we’re a modern teenage friend group, here’s our gender-neutral friend, Devin.
[Peter] Lois, what’s with that kid? Every piece of clothing saying something different.
[Lois] Peter, be nice. You can’t freak out like this.
[Peter] Don’t worry, I can be subtle. [shouts] What are you? Declare yourself!
[Lois] Why don’t you just go to the garage and mutter while kicking stuff?
[Peter] Stupid worlds passing me by. Everyone needs to be something. How does anything make sense if everybody’s everything?
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[all laughing]
[Meg] Ew, Dad, what are you doing?
[Peter] Sorry, Meg, all dads are required to walk shirtless through any teen party while they drink a canned beverage that was discontinued in the ’90s. Sip of Surge, anyone? Devin, sip of Surge.
[Meg] Can you please leave? We’re about to play Truth or Dare.
[Peter] “Truth or Dare?” Is that that game where you hide and go seek?
[Meg] No. You either have to answer a question with total honesty or do something crazy that people make up.
[Peter] I went with my version, but how about I play with you?
[Meg] Um, sure, Dad, I dare you to get the hell out of here.
[Peter] [laughs] On it. [panting] Check it out, Lois. I’m playing Truth or Dare with Meg.
[Lois] You’re really not, Peter. But, hey, I’ll play Truth or Dare with you. After all, we’ve never played together.
[Peter] Really? Okay, I pick “Dare.”
[Lois] All right, um… I dare you… [laughs] …to lick the Swansons’ mailbox.
[both laughing]
[Peter] Watch me.
[♪ thrilling instrumental music playing]
[Joe] Damn it, if he gets my TV guide soggy, I’m gonna be furious.
You still get TV guide?
[Joe] There’s still TV.
[both laughing]
[Peter] Okay, okay. Your turn.
[Lois] All right… truth.
[Peter] Okay, let’s see, um, how many men have you slept with in your lifetime?
[Lois] Dare.
[Peter] What? You can’t just change.
[Lois] Peter, it’s my right to choose from the two options, and I choose dare.
[Peter] It’s no big deal. I’ll tell you my number. I’ll admit, I was a bit of a Lothario back in my day, I slept with two whole women. Seven, if you count finishing during long hugs.
[Lois] Peter, I’m not answering.
[Peter] Come on, it’s fine. Just say the number. Keep it in mind that any number other than zero will send me into a 10-year spiral.
[Lois] This conversation is over. I’m going to bed.
[Peter] No, not till this is settled. I mean, now it’s a safety issue. I gotta know if I need to wear this old timey scuba helmet before I give you the Michael Douglas special.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[Meg] Somebody grab the Ouija board. I want to ask Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost if he really killed himself.
[Brian] Have any of you seen a squeaky chew toy in the shape of a rolled-up newspaper? Headline reads, “Chewie defeats Chewman?”
[Meg] No, Brian, we haven’t seen your gross toy. Please leave.
[Brian] Fine. [sighs] I’m not gonna leave completely empty handed.
You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein is coming through.
[Meg] Hey, how old… are you… ladies? [gasps] It’s him.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[sniffing and panting]
[Brian] Mmm, yeah, that’s good chewing.
[Stewie] And this, Emma, is where the magic hap–
I thought you lived alone.
[Stewie] Nice going, Brian. You know how hard it was to go from being duct taped to my seat to bringing her home? What are you even doing?
[Brian] Kind of just chewing and sniffing Patty’s bra.
[Stewie] Ugh, creepy.
[Brian] It’s not creepy. I’m a dog. If I don’t chew something every 40 minutes, I go fricking crazy. [sniffs] Oh, my God! That’s not good.
[Stewie] What?
[Brian] I’m getting a whiff of breast cancer from Patty’s bra. I think Patty may have breast cancer.
[Stewie] What? First Celine Dion gets stiff person syndrome, and now this? It’s so damn unfair.
[Brian] All right, calm down.
[Stewie] No, Brian, I’m still processing stiff person syndrome, which is definitely a real thing and not a way of getting out of Vegas shows that your agent husband roped you into.
[Brian] I think we’re getting off-track.
[Stewie] Maybe. But if Patty has breast cancer, you have to tell Meg right away.
[Brian] I can’t do that. Then she’ll know I took the bra.
[Stewie] You need to tell her, Brian, even though it’s hard to break bad news. And I should know, I used to be a department store spokesperson.
[Stewie] As of today, Macy’s is closing one hundred of its stores. So to be clear, that’s a hundred places you can no longer buy funeral shirts on a day’s notice. Everyone is going to have to start thinking about their funerals, at least two days before.
But where else can shoppers get nice watches that aren’t actually nice?
Or take a dump in the mall without having to buy something?
[Stewie] I suppose those will both have to be done at Nordstrom. After all, Nordstrom is a thriving business–
Sir, from Nordstrom Corporate.
[Stewie] [sighs] Okay, gang, this is just a body blow of a day.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[Brian] Uh… hey, Meg. How was the sleepover?
[Meg] Good. The Ouija board really came to life. Some guy named Rene said to stop making fun of his wife and that stiff person syndrome is a real thing.
[Brian] Listen, there’s something important I need to tell you. Last night, I took Patty’s bra to chew and sniff, and I think Patty may have breast cancer.
[Meg] [gasps] Oh, my God! Oh, I’ve got to call her right away. I mean, she’s… wait a minute. Patty left here fully dressed. Let me see that bra. Do you have it? Brian? That’s my bra.
[Peter] Oh, cool. We’re taking our bras off? [sighs in relief] The girls are out to play. Welp, time to go tease the boys down at the DQ. They don’t open till 11:00, and the Starbucks said I couldn’t wait inside.
[♪ jazz music playing]
[Brian] Look, I know this must be stressful. Sure you don’t wanna tell Lois about the breast cancer?
[Meg] No, I don’t want to worry her until I know for sure.
[Brian] Well, what about telling Peter?
[Meg] I actually tried, but he was super distracted, ’cause he got one of those dollies that mechanics used to slide under cars.
[Meg] Dad, there’s something important I need–
[Peter] What is it, Meg? I’m very busy de-Boogey-Manning the bed. Chris, bring my ratchet and some cinnamon. They don’t like cinnamon.
[Meg] I’m not sure that’s gonna work.
[Peter] Well, that’s a very vertical opinion. I’ve seen Monsters, Inc and Monsters University. I think I know what I’m doing.
[Dr. Hartman] Siri, what’s another word for “jugs?”
[Siri] Breasts?
[Dr. Hartman] I understand you may have breasts cancer.
[Meg] Well, that’s what we want to find out.
[Dr. Hartman] Mm. But you seem young and healthy. What brought you in?
[Meg] My dog smelled cancer on my bra.
[Dr. Hartman] Oh, a dog smelled it? They’re like never wrong. We’ve actually got three of them on staff here. This guy graduated from Muttgers. This one from UC Barkley. And she went to Bitch-igan State. I’m kidding. They all went to Texas Christian, but they’re smart. They’re good.
[Brian] “Grr-due” is another one. But what’s Meg’s prognosis?
[Dr. Hartman] We’ll wait for her test results as a formality, but if a dog smelled cancer on her, I’m not optimistic. Meg. If you have anything on your bucket list, this could be the time.
[Meg] [gasps] Are you saying I’m dying?
[Dr. Hartman] Siri, what’s a good excuse to leave the room?
[Siri] Diarrhea is always an excellent excuse to leave any room.
[Dr. Hartman] Oh, please excuse me, my phone has diarrhea.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[Peter] You guys are not gonna believe this. Lois and I played Truth or Dare the other night, but when I asked her how many guys she’s had sex with, she wouldn’t answer. I gotta know! It’s driving me crazy!
[Joe] Well, Bonnie’s only ever been with one man, and you’re looking at him.
You sure about that?
[Joe] Yeah. She got chlamydia from a toilet seat. We talked about it. Then the toilet seat sent her flowers because it felt bad. Open-and-shut case.
[♪ slow instrumental music]
[Brian] So is a cancer diagnosis. A “radio on” or a “radio off” situation?
[Meg] You can turn it on.
[♪ upbeat music]
♪ She bangs, she bangs ♪
♪ I’m wasted by the way… ♪
[turns radio off]
[Brian] We’ll just go without.
[Meg] You know, part of me is like, I should probably tell mom and dad about this, but another part of me is like, why bother? I mean, no one in this family even cares about me anyway.
[Brian] Come on. I’m here for you, Meg. We gotta come up with some way to get your mind off this. Maybe Dr. Hartman was right. Is there a bucket list item you’ve always wanted to do, but you never had the chance?
[Meg] I don’t know.
[Brian] Anything, Meg. Sky’s the limit. No dream is too big.
[Meg] Anything?
[Brian] Anything.
[Meg] Well… I’ve always wanted to pick out on Garbage Can Nachos at Chaz Inferno’s Restaurant in Orlando.
[Brian] Th… that’s it? Yeah, we… we can do that.
[Meg] Really? Would we need to contact Make-A-Wish? Like, how would we even do that?
[Brian] I think just go there and order them.
[Meg] Well, can we go right now?
[Brian] Absolutely. Let’s do it.
♪ Talk to me ♪
♪ Tell me your sign ♪
♪ You’re switchin’ sides like a gemini ♪
♪ You’re playing games and now you’re hittin’ my heart ♪
♪ Like a drum, yeah baby ♪
♪ Well, if Lady Luck gets on my side ♪
♪ We’re gonna rock this town alive ♪
♪ I’ll let her rough me up ♪
♪ ‘Til she knocks me out ♪
♪ ‘Cause she walks like she talks ♪
♪ And she talks like she walks ♪
♪ She bangs, she bangs ♪
♪ Oh, baby when… ♪
[Brian] Look at that. Atlanta, twenty miles. You know, they say Atlanta has the best strip clubs in the world.
[Meg] Okay.
[Brian] They say NBA players fly in from all over to go to these clubs. And they can go anywhere like Shaquille O’Neal goes to these clubs. It’s been documented in court filings, and if I’m not mistaken, the Raptors are in town playing the Hawks tonight.
[Meg] See, Brian, you’re the only one who ever pays attention to what I care about. Let’s do it!
[Brian] Plus, you’ve got cancer so you can eat whatever you want. We don’t have to look at the strippers. They got big trays of ziti in there.
[♪ dance music playing softly]
[cheering and whistling]
[Brian] I got a bunch of quarters from the change machine so I can support the strippers.
[stripper] Ow, what are you doing?
[Brian] Come on, I’m making it hail.
[stripper] Damn it! Knock it off! Hey, that one’s a bicentennial.
[Brian] What? I’m gonna need that back.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[Lois] Where’s Meg and Brian?
[Chris] I don’t know, but he just posted a close up photo of a big tray of strip club ziti, and he tagged Meg, so I have to assume they’re fine.
[Lois] Okay, good, they’re eating. Then we don’t have to wait.
[Peter] Chris, can you please pass the peas and ask your mother how many peas she’s had in her mouth?
[Lois] Peter, that’s enough.
[Peter] Chris, can you also ask your mother to pass the chicken and then ask her if the number of people she slept with is more or less than the number of herbs and spices in the Colonel’s secret recipe?
[Chris] Slow down, I can’t keep track of all the foods you want passed.
[Stewie] Chris, Chris, he’s just doing a bit.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[Brian] Okay, this is us. Sorry, I couldn’t get us a nicer place.
[Meg] Are you kidding? I recognized the guy who checked us in from intervention.
[Brian] Okay, there’s a salamander in our coffee pot, I’m gonna go see if I can swap that out.
[cell phone ringing]
[Meg] Hello, Dr. Hartman.
[Dr. Hartman] Hi, Meg, you’re gonna hear things in the background of this call that make you think I’m at a Dave & Buster’s. I assure you, I am not at a Dave and Buster’s.
[machine dings] [game voice] What a shot!
[Dr. Hartman] We’re doing Covid boosters.
[Meg] Are you calling with my test results?
[Dr. Hartman] Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
[dings] [game voice] Long distance.
[Dr. Hartman] Ignore that. That’s just a medical device.
[Meg] Oh, my God! Do I have cancer?
[Dr. Hartman] Yes!
[Meg] Oh, no.
[Dr. Hartman] Sorry. What?
[Meg] I have cancer?
[Dr. Hartman] Oh, no, no cancer. Your tests all came back negative.
[Meg] Oh, thank God. What a relief.
[Dr. Hartman] Do you not have any paper menus? It’s only a QR code?
[Meg] Thank you so much, Dr. Hartman.
[Dr. Hartman] Yeah. Yeah, mazel tov. I just want mozzarella sticks. Why are you making this so hard?
[phone beeps]
[Meg] Brian, I have great news to tell you.
[Brian] Perfect. Thanks again. I actually have great news too, Meg, get this. I managed to get your story to Chaz Inferno himself. And not only is he gonna personally make you Garbage Can Nachos, he’s also giving us a $35 dine-in credit, and he’s gonna cut your hair and frost your tips, table-side.
[Meg] What? That’s amazing.
[Brian] And what’s your good news?
[Meg] Oh, um… Brian, look at this plaque. It’s a historic room. Someone from Girls Gone Wild died in here.
[Brian] Oh, I remember her. She didn’t want to go wild. But then her friend told her to. So she did.
[Meg] Whoa!
[Brian] Yeah. She’s still in Rob Schneider’s phone.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
Well, well, you must be Brian and Meg. Don’t know if they told you up front, but in here, you’re not allowed to not wear Oakleys on the back of your head.
[Meg] Sweet. I just gotta say it is an honor to meet a man who’s never driven a car with a roof.
Before we make these nachos, how about we cut that hair and frost those tips? Whoa! Your hair is so hard.
[Meg] Thank you. And it’s super-hot, I can’t tell if you’re 30 or 60. Oh, good thing we’re doing this first. So tiny hairs don’t get in the nachos.
Eh, there’s tons in there already.
[Meg] Oh, right on.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[Peter] All right, Lois, we’re just gonna do this one by one. Did you sleep with Arthur Aaronson?
[Lois] Peter, come on.
[Peter] Did you sleep with Acme Pest Control?
[Lois] Look, I thought we were past this.
[Peter] You still got to finish our Truth or Dare game. I licked Joe’s mailbox, but you never took your turn.
[Lois] [sighs in exasperation] Okay, fine. I’ll finish the game. But I’m only doing a dare.
[Peter] Okay, dare, huh? Then I dare you to rollerblade off the Swanson’s roof and into their pool.
[Lois] And that’ll finally shut you up?
[Peter] Yep.
[♪ thrilling instrumental music playing]
[Lois] Ah! Oh, God, it’s higher up here than it looks.
[Peter] You chose dare. This is the dare.
[Joe] Peter, stop doing Truth or Dare stuff to my house.
[Peter] This doesn’t concern you, Joe.
[Lois] I feel very unsafe.
[Joe] That’s it. I’m calling the cops.
[buttons beeping]
[cell phone ringing]
[Joe] Hello? There’s a woman on my roof. Sir, I can’t really help you right now. I’m dealing with someone on my own roof.
[Lois] I’m going, Peter! [whimpering] [Lois yelps]
[Peter] Oh, my God!
[Lois] Aah, damn it! Ow, it hurts so much. Oh, God!
[Joe] Oh, your leg hurts? What’s that like?
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[Brian] Well, we almost polished off those Garbage Can Nachos.
Dirt?
[Meg] Mm. No, thanks.
[Brian] I’ll have a little dirt.
[stomach rumbling]
[Meg] Oh, feels like those nachos are making a run for the border. I better hit the bathroom, stat.
[Brian] Excuse me, can you wrap up the rest of our food?
Definitely. Nachos travel great.
[cell phone ringing]
[Brian] Hello, Dr. Hartman? It’s Brian. Are you calling with Meg’s test results?
[Dr. Hartman] What? No. I told Meg yesterday her results were negative. I was just calling to see why she hasn’t given me a yelp review yet?
[Brian] Yesterday?
Oh, and can you do me a favor and put my name in Meg’s phone as The Hammer? I’m trying to get that going.
[Brian] No, I’m not doing that.
Okay, Hammer out.
[line disconnects]
[Brian] Why wouldn’t Meg have told me?
[Brian] Meg, it’s Brian. Is there something you want to tell me?
[Meg] Ugh, yeah. There’s an adult changing station in here, and the weight limit is 500 pounds.
[Brian] I just talked to Dr. Hartman.
[Meg] Ugh, The Hammer.
[Brian] He’s gonna be psyched you said that, but he told me he called you yesterday with your negative test results.
[Meg] Brian, I’m about three Gatorade’s away… [straining] from being able to have this conversation.
[Brian] Meg, you lied to me. I was super worried. I thought you were gonna die and you took advantage of me. Why would you do that?
[toilet flushes]
[Meg] Uh, I guess I just saw a chance to live out one of my dreams and realized it might never happen again.
[Brian] I can’t believe how selfish that is. You know what? As far as I’m concerned, you can find your own ride home.
Are you the one in the Prius?
[Brian] Yes. Why?
Yeah, a few of the other patrons did some terrible things to your car. You’re not Jewish, are you?
[Brian] No.
Okay, then they got some of it wrong.
[♪ soft jazz music playing]
[sighs wearily]
[Peter] Oh, Lois, you’re awake. By the way, this lighting makes you look old.
[Lois] Did I break my leg?
[Peter] Yes. And it’s all my fault. I should never have hounded you so much. Lois, we’ve logged a lot of miles together. We’ve raised a family and you’re my life partner. I don’t need to know how many guys you’ve been with. The fact is, I love you more than any number.
[Lois] It’s okay, Peter, I want to tell you. I don’t want any secrets between us. The number is 60.
[Peter] Whoa! Okay, a little higher than what I thought it would be, but I guess 16 ain’t so bad.
[Lois] No, no, Peter, Sixty, six-zero.
[bleeping]
We’ve got a code orange.
What’s that?
When a husband finds out his wife has slept with way more guys than he thought, she’s a 60.
Holy crap. That’s like all the presidents for 250 years, plus a softball team and a half.
I’m sure glad they covered this At Texas Christian.
[♪ slow instrumental music playing]
[alarm beeping]
[tires screeching]
[Brian] [sighs wearily] How’d you get ahead of me?
[Meg] A trucker picked me up, he asked for ass, gas or grass, so I gave him ass gas and he got mad and tossed me.
[Brian] This is why I always say, commas matter. [sighs] Get in. I still can’t believe you lied about cancer just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant.
[Meg] What? What are you talking about? Brian, when I said one of my dreams, I wasn’t talking about eating at Chaz Infernos. I was talking about, for the first time ever, actually having real fun with a family member who wasn’t mocking me or farting in my face or telling me I’m ugly. I guess I lied to you because I just wanted this amazing trip we’ve been having to last a little longer.
[Brian] You know what? I’ve had a really good time with you, too, Meg.
[Meg] And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman said I might die, all I could think about was spending the rest of my life with someone who really loves and cares about me. And that was you.
[Brian] Of course, Meg, we’re family. But wait, then why did your bra smell like cancer?
[Meg] Yeah. You know, I was thinking about that. Maybe because I buy all my undergarments at thrift stores.
[Brian] Ew, bro, you gotta wash ’em Johns. Hey, is that… is that Peter at the Dairy Queen?
[Meg] It is! Dad, what are you doing?
[Peter] I blizzarded and boobed my way down to Florida. I’m entitled to this. Your mother’s had 60 men.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
[man on TV] We now return to 60 Minutes.
[Peter] I thought we agreed to banish the number 60 from this house!
[Lois] Are you still upset about this? I told you one of them was just so I could get cast in Shakespeare In Love.
[Peter] That doesn’t help.
[Lois] Well, what if I said you were bigger than all of them? Huh? Would that help?
[Peter] Actually, yes. [gasps] Lois, Truth or Dare? Of all the guys you’ve been with, am I the biggest?
[Lois] Definitely, Peter,
[♪ slow music playing]
[both moaning softly]
[announcer] Marriage, just lie. It’s not that big a deal.
[closing theme music playing]
