Family Guy
Season 24 – Episode 5
Episode title: Dear Francis
Original air date: March 1, 2026
Plot: Peter calls out the name “Francis” while making love to Lois, who believes that Peter was referring to his deceased father, but after a round of therapy, Lois discovers that “Frances” is the new waitress at the Drunken Clam.
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Transcript
Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.
[Peter] Well, Lois, the Sox got destroyed. But don’t worry about me driving. The cops don’t have jurisdiction over yards. It’s like international waters. Lois?
[Lois] Peter! In here! Peter, I’ve been up here for three hours!
[Peter] Oh, this happens to me all the time. The floor isn’t lava. That’s just a show.
No, I saw a huge, disgusting spider on the floor!
You should’ve heard her before, going on and on about how she’d definitely win on Survivor. Pathetic.
Oh, God! Kill it before it goes back behind the fridge! Wait, wait, wait! Actually, don’t. Spiders are precious, for some stupid reason that I can’t remember. Just– Just put it outside!
Wow! [giggles] Who is this guy?
[Peter] I know, right? I was very brave for a boy my age.
No, Peter, I’m talking about that hat, all turned around. [growls] You look like LL Cool J when you do that.
[Peter] Captain Patrick Zevo from Toys?
Ugh, Peter, your cultural references are a mess. Just toss the spider and meet me upstairs.
[Peter] Thanks for getting me sex, spider. Now go, be free!
[squawks]
[Peter] Aw, that’s sad. But at least whenever a nature thing happens, David Attenborough has to narrate it.
The spider becomes a tragedy in nature’s cruel circle. Unmoved, the obese mammal returns to his den for procreation.
[♪ seductive music playing]
[Peter chuckles]
No. Leave it on.
[Lois giggling]
[Peter] Oh, yeah, you like this hat?
[Lois] Oh, Peter. It’s like I’m doin’ the Linkin Park guy who killed himself.
[Peter] Chester Bennington?
No, no, don’t– Don’t say the name. The name ruins it.
[Peter chuckles]
[Lois] Oh, Peter!
[laughs]
Oh, Peter! Oh!
[Peter] Francis!
Did– Did you just say “Francis”?
[Peter] I don’t know what I said, Lois. It was the ’90s!
It was ten seconds ago.
[Peter] Oh, right. I’m just so used to getting out of jams with that.
Peter, did you just yell out your dead father’s name while we were having sex?
[Peter] Holy crap, I think you’re right. I guess I must have thought about my old man, Francis, for a second while we were doing it. Wow. So, where were we?
No, Peter, I just… I need a minute. Leave the hat.
Hey, Peter. Wanna see a meme that everyone but me saw ten years ago? Look, now what color do you think this dress is?
[Peter] No thanks, Joe. Not in the mood.
There you go, boys.
Thanks, Frances!
You’re the best, Frances!
Thank you kindly, Miss Frances.
If you need me, just yell my name.
That Frances sure is something else.
[Peter] [sighs wearily]
Hey, Peter, what’s the matter?
[Peter] Well, Lois and I were havin’ drunk, backwards-hat sex last night, and right in the middle, I yelled out “Frances.” I was thinking about that new waitress.
Oh, boy.
[Peter] But Lois thinks I meant “Francis,” as in my dead dad.
Well, I suppose that was a fair assumption. Your dad was pretty hot.
[Peter] I should probably come clean, huh? Just tell her that I wasn’t thinkin’ about my dad, but rather a very attractive younger woman who I often see in an unsupervised setting, and to whom I’ve often lied and said I am unmarried. Lois’ll get it, right?
No way, Peter.
I saw gold. Some saw blue.
Yeah, you’re much better off with Lois thinking you yelled out dead-dad-Francis.
As sick as that is.
As sick as that is, than her knowing you were thinking about hot-chick-Frances.
[Peter] You guys are right. I guess I can never tell Lois the truth. But that’s okay. I’m not the first person with a dirty sex secret.
Wow! I can see why they call you Catherine the Great.
[chuckles] Thanks. And hey, do you mind not telling your friends about this? I mean, if this gets out, it’ll be the only thing I’m remembered for.
Oh, for… for sure. Totally. I got you.
[hooves clattering]
That better be the sound of normal trotting and not horse high-fives!
It’s normal trotting.
[horse 2] Normal trotting.
[horse 3] Normal trotting.
[horse 4] I was in a parade!
[announcer] We now return to Wonka, starring Timothee Chalamet.
[Peter] This Chalamet kid thinks he’s hot stuff now, but just wait. He’s gonna be one of those actors who never takes his shirt off, like Patrick Dempsey.
Yeah, I– What?
[Peter] I’m just saying, the guy never takes his shirt off.
But Chalamet has taken his shirt off.
[Peter] He takes his shirt off now, but trust me, in a few years, he’s gonna stop doing it. Just like Dempsey.
So, are… are you saying you want him to take his shirt off?
[Peter] No, I just– Chalamet’s just– I’m just saying, he’s being a total Patrick Dempsey.
What?
[Peter] I don’t know! He confuses me.
Peter, there you are. Look, I need to talk to you about what happened last night. You know, saying “Francis.” I think you should see a therapist.
[Peter] What? Why?
You might have some feelings about your father that you still need to process. After all, you did fall off a unicycle and crush him to death. It sounds far-fetched, but that’s literally what happened. Plus, he was always very distant.
[Peter] Lois, I don’t know what mental health TikTok has led you to believe, but I swear to you, it was just your run-of-the-mill, dead-dad-name-during-sex brain fart. I’m totally fine!
Well, hold on there, Peter. Therapy could do you worlds of good. For example, thanks to my therapist, I no longer need a bowl that says “Good Boy” on it to know that I’m a good boy. Would I like one of those bowls? Sure. But do I need it? I don’t know. I… I don’t know.
Fine, Peter, if you won’t do therapy, then maybe we can get to the bottom of it with my tarot cards. Okay, let’s see… A Knife, an Open Field, and Lorena Bobbitt. Ooh, I wonder if that means–
[Peter] Oh, no, no, I’ll– I’ll do the therapy, you win.
Wonderful. This is a big step, Peter.
[cell phone dings]
Brian, what are all these Petco links?
I need the “Good Boy” bowl, or I’m bad!
[Lois] So basically, I realized that there’s some big feelings inside Peter about his deceased father that he’s clearly trying to work through, and that’s why he’s here today.
All right, well, with the two minutes we have left, maybe he can speak. Peter, can you tell me a bit about yourself?
[Peter] Oh, boy. Uh, what is there to say? I met an astronaut once. Not a good one, not one of the moon ones. Now that I think of it, was he an astronaut? He may have been a firefighter. You know what? He was a firefighter. He had the day off on 9/11, that I remember. And you know what? He drove a Chevy Astro. That’s what was confusing me. But to sum up, met a firefighter, drove a Chevy Astro, didn’t help on 9/11. Uh… Oh, and I guess I wanna bang my dad.
Hmm, interesting. May I see a picture? Oh, wow. And do you have any shirtless pictures of him, or was he more of a Patrick Dempsey?
What?
[Peter] Total Dempsey. Zero shirtless pics post 40.
I see. Well, this is very serious. This kind of outburst suggests major unresolved feelings surrounding your father, as well as around your role as a father yourself.
Called it!
For starters, you’ll need to build much stronger relationships with your own children. That’ll be the first step towards finding closure.
[Peter] Ugh, just tell me the absolute least I’m allowed to do, and I promise I will almost do it.
No, Peter. You’ll need to treat this like a second full-time job, where nobody pays you, and your family members are all your boss.
Perfect. Thank you, Doctor. We’ll get right to work.
I stored my number, in case you need to reach me. I’ve also signed you up for my joke-of-the-week newsletter.
Oh, hmm, okay. I’d like to opt out of that.
[laughs] Yes, I bet you would. Oh, and Peter, before I forget, are you just… gay?
[Peter] I’m not gay.
Okay. You’d be surprised how often that happens. Twenty minutes in, we figure that out and boom, we’re done.
Kids, we have an announcement. Your dad is on a journey to deal with his father issues. So, as part of his treatment, he’ll be spending some quality time with each of you.
[Peter] And just as a goof, I think we should all do name tags.
Is this gonna be stuff you wanna do, or stuff we wanna do?
[Peter] It’s gonna be whatever’s funniest, chief.
Unsubscribe.
Chris, this isn’t the Internet, it’s our kitchen.
Downvote.
[Brian] Oh, man, I can think of so many fun things we could do. Go to the park–
[Peter] Yeah, this is gonna be real family only. Your last name is more of a courtesy thing.
www.BustyLatinaWives.org.
Chris, again, this is not a comput–
[Chris] Sorry. I mighta clicked some spyware.
[Peter] You seem busy. I’ll leave you to it. All right, I guess I’m supposed to do whatever it is you like to do. Well, what’ll it be? Dressing up dolls? Braiding hair?
[clucking]
[crowd cheering]
Get ‘im, Pecky! Peck his little eyes out!
[Peter] Meg, I can’t tell if these people are very poor, or very, very rich.
[speaking Russian] Meg, who is this fat, roosterless man?
To you, no one. You never saw him. Now laugh like I just made a joke, and walk away.
[laughs]
Laugh harder!
[laughs hysterically]
[Peter] So, uh… what’s new in your life?
Not much. I guess I’m just really upset people are paying so much for home insurance.
[Peter] What?
I’ve heard anecdotally that places like Allstate are charging $2,000-$3,000 more than State Farm.
[Peter] Is that true?
In the unreliable anecdotal world, yes, it’s very true.
[Peter] Chris, are you working for State Farm?
I’m not working for State Farm, I’m having the time of my life for State Farm.
[Peter] Yeah, listen, I’m not really looking to buy insurance.
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, Mrs. Griffin. Is Mr. Griffin available?
[Peter] Okay, I’m supposed to read you a bedtime story, but all your stories are lame, so instead, I’m readin’ the Applebee’s menu. “Chapter One: Sizzlin’ Starters.”
This is why doctors call your cholesterol level “clinically impossible.”
[Peter] [chuckles] This is a good menu. You can tell by how laminated it is. If it’s possible to wet the menu in any way, you have failed as a restaurant.
Oh, God, he’s not even reading it. He’s just riffing.
[Peter] We’re gonna skip the salad chapter, but it doesn’t affect the story at all.
[toilet flushes]
[Peter] I tell ya, if you have a Waterpik, you basically have a bidet. Anyway, it was good connecting with the kids.
Oh, that’s great, honey. Yeah, I think it meant a lot to them, too.
[Peter] Yeah, that– that fat one, the… the other one, the… the girl, I wanna say? Nobody did name tags. I think they thought I was joking. I wasn’t joking. But in any case, yeah, I think I’m cured now.
Ah, not so fast, Peter. You know, I’ve been texting with the therapist.
[Peter] You have?
Yeah. Ignore the penis pictures. He said he sent them by mistake, unless I liked them. Okay, here we go. Dr. Snelling says, “Peter needs to write a letter to his dead father to help him properly grieve and move on.”
[Peter] But won’t a letter make me sleepy?
My point is, Peter, that the hard work has only just begun. Tomorrow, I think we should take the whole family to your father’s grave so you can read the letter to him. Doesn’t that sound healing?
[Peter] It does. And it doesn’t. I mean, it does and it doesn’t. It doesn’t.
I think this is gonna be very cathartic for you, Peter.
There’s Grandpa.
“It’s all gravy, baby”?
[Peter] Oh, yeah, he never said that. He was dead, so I told the tombstone guy to go nuts. We were just laughin’ and laughin’.
We are losing sight of the purpose for today’s visit, which is for Peter to read a letter to his dead father.
[Peter] I didn’t write the letter.
Ugh, what is the point of spending $40 for mini-mall therapy if you’re not gonna do the work? Just– Just say something. And, kids, come on, let’s… let’s give your father some space.
[Peter] Okay. Apples and pears, apples and pears. Sibilance. Sibilance.
[cell phone vibrating]
[beeps]
Peter! Come to the Clam, quick! Frances lost a bet and she’s Coyote Ugly-ing on the bar!
And three-time People’s Choice Award winner Patrick Dempsey is here!
Uh-oh! Those T-shirts are clinging on something terrible. But what are they gonna do about it?
Ready, Patrick?
Ready, Frances.
[Peter] No! My phone is dead? Dead! [crying]
Wow! Would you look at that? A breakthrough! I, and to a far lesser extent, Peter, did it!
I guess nobody’s gonna mention my suit.
Well, Meg, this was a very inappropriate time to call shotgun on your father, but Peter, we are all very proud of you. You finally let yourself grieve.
[Peter] Thanks, and all good about the shotgun. I’ll just kick her seat every three seconds.
Dad, I’m just glad you’re feeling better, and we all love you.
Yeah, way to go, Dad!
[Peter] Thanks, guys. I feel like I’ve done the work.
You sure have. And as a reward, we have one last surprise for you.
[Peter] You do?
[Peter] Ah, crap.
Isn’t this great? Your whole family at your favorite place.
This is, like, undoubtedly my future, huh?
Yeah. You’ll probably go to Arizona for a year or two, but you’ll be back. It’ll be too much. So, do we order with a waitress here, or…
[Peter] No, no! Let me handle this. Jerome! I would like to make an anonymous bomb threat.
Peter, for the last time, that doesn’t work face-to-face.
[Peter] How about now?
Oh, here’s someone. Miss! Hi. A round of drinks for my wonderful, cured husband!
Oh, hey there! Peter, I didn’t know you had a family.
[Jerome] Frances! We need silverware for table four.
[♪ eerie music playing]
[growls]
[Peter] Dad?
Let me get this straight. You only hung out with us in order to not have to confess to Mom that you weren’t actually shouting out Grandpa’s name during sex, but rather, the name of a woman to whom you are not married?
[Peter] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa there, Chris. That is exactly right.
All that big work on yourself I thought you were doing. Peter, this is a new low. Yeah, I can’t even look at you. Come on, kids. We’re leaving. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the sounds you’re gonna hear as I angrily slide out are the vinyl seats, not farts.
[vinyl squeaking]
Don’t bother coming home tonight.
[farts]
She was way out of the booth for that last one.
Not gonna sugarcoat it, Peter. That was brutal.
[Peter] Well, I guess I gotta get my family back.
You know, Bon’s been making some great sea glass jewelry lately. Great way to say you’re sorry, with some sad-hobby sea glass.
[Peter] No thanks, Joe. I know just what I gotta do. I just need a boombox and some Peter Gabriel.
Tell you what, Joe, I will buy Bonnie’s sea glass in exchange for you purchasing 60 bottles of Donna’s Tahitian Noni Juice.
Let’s do it. We gotta keep ’em happy.
This is a sad little micro-economy we’ve created to stay married.
[♪ “Scarface (Push It To The Limit)” playing]
♪ Push it to the limit ♪
♪ Walk along the razor’s edge ♪
♪ But don’t look down, just keep your head ♪
♪ Or you’ll be finished ♪
♪ Open up the limit ♪
♪ Past the point of no return ♪
♪ You’ve reached the top ♪
♪ But still you gotta learn ♪
♪ How to keep it ♪
♪ Hit the wheel and double the stakes ♪
♪ Throttle wide open like a bat out of hell ♪
♪ You crash the gates ♪
♪ Crash the gates ♪
♪ Going for the back of beyond ♪
♪ Nothing gonna stop you ♪
♪ There’s nothing that strong ♪
♪ So close now, you’re nearly at the brink ♪
♪ So, push it Ooh, yeah ♪
[birds chirping]
[boinging]
[dog barking]
[♪ whistle glissando playing]
Peter, what are you doing?
[Peter] I’m doing Say Anything, but that Peter Gabriel song is too expensive, so this is “1,001 Wacky Sound Effects.”
[horn honks, spring boings]
You see Dad’s quivering delts? That’s why we don’t skip delts day.
[Peter] What do you think, Lois?
I hate it.
[Peter] That’s okay, that’s okay.
What about the butt kite? The butt kite makes it worse! It’s an egregious waste of tickets!
[Peter] [sighs]
♪ Don’t sit under the apple tree… ♪
Leave me alone.
♪ Anyone else but me ♪
[Peter] I guess we both struck out.
Yeah. Would you mind driving me to a series of appointments?
Sorry, the couch doesn’t pull out. Giggity. But seriously, you’re– You’re gonna sleep bad.
[Peter] It’s okay. Thanks for letting me stay here, Quagmire.
No problem. Just know a woman’s coming over later to hurt me, and I didn’t pay her to hurt you, too. But if you wanna pitch in, like, 15 bucks, she could probably noogie you on the way out.
[Peter] Aw, that’s nice.
Peter, Lois is only gonna forgive you if you man up, and you actually do the work.
[doorbell rings]
Oh! My escort’s here.
Ni ha– Ow! And we’re on the clock.
[knock on door]
[Peter] So, are you gonna apologize to me or what?
That’s not what we’re doing, Peter.
[Peter] Oh, right. For once, it’s on me.
I’m shutting the door now.
[Peter] Wait. I’ve got something to say. I wrote that letter to my dad, like you wanted.
You– You did?
[Peter] “Dear Dad…” This first paragraph is mostly questions about what it’s like being a ghost, so I’ll skip down a bit.
“Dad, if there’s one thing I never got to say to you, it’s this. You had a massive blackhead on your cheek for most of my childhood. I don’t know how you didn’t see it. What I’m getting at is, “you were a pretty crappy father. I could never make you proud, “even when I broke into Nancy Pelosi’s office and put my feet up on the desk, just like we always joked about doin’. I knew it wouldn’t be enough. And I realize now that I never want to be that kind of dad. I’m not perfect, “but I’ll always be proud of my idiot kids. So, turns out the one thing you did right “was showing me the kind of dad and husband I don’t want to be. So, goodbye, Dad. I hope I’m better than you. But also, please answer my ghost questions. Amen.”
Peter, you did it. You actually did the work.
[Peter] I love you, Lois.
I love you too, Peter.
[Peter] Sorry I yelled the hot lady’s name.
Oh, it’s all right. If it makes you feel better, when we’re doing it, I’m mostly thinking about Chris Hemsworth.
[Peter] Is that why you whispered “Chris” that one time? I thought you just meant our son. Aw, now I’m upset.
[Peter] Well, it’s good to be livin’ at home again. But I appreciate you letting me stay with you, Quagmire.
No problem, Peter. By the way, you left your Minions pajamas at my place.
[Peter] Keep ’em. Lois says I’m not supposed to wear them ’cause they keep me up laughing too much.
Thanks, Jerome.
Hey, what ever happened to Frances?
I don’t know. She just suddenly stopped coming in to work last week.
There you go, Frances. Jerome told us it was your dream to go to nursing school, so go!
Uh, I wanted to be a tattoo artist.
Eh, tattoo artist, nurse, it’s all gravy, baby! Gun it, Bon!
[tires screeching]
[shivering]
[♪ closing theme music playing]
