Family Guy
Season 24 – Episode 4
Episode title: Bringing Up Brady
Original air date: March 1, 2026
Plot: Peter and the guys use Meg’s new job as a chowder vendor at Gillette Stadium to get close to Tom Brady while he’s working as an announcer. Meg escorts them out and gets noticed by Brady, who decides to use her behind the scenes to better his commentary. Meg believes she’s formed a connection with him, but overhears that she’s only being used for her skills. At his next gig, she baits him into proposing to her, but they ultimately don’t go through with the marriage after Brady admits how much he needs Meg’s help and declares that no one is allowed to eat cheese in his house. Meanwhile, Stewie realizes how old his bedroom’s furniture is, prompting Brian to take him to Ikea. The two decide to move into the store so they can try out new interiors every day, before Stewie gets the idea to disguise the store as a mansion and throw a dinner party. Things go wrong when none of the fixtures work due to a lack of plumbing or gas, and several guests get bound and gagged in storage when they discover the ruse. Brian and Stewie ultimately call the party off due to having already taken a group photo with the guests. The next day, the tied-up guests are featured on the news and are suspected to be victims of Matt Lauer.
* * *
Transcript
Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.
[Peter] Ah! Sunday at The Clam. No family. Just football, farts and friends.
Hey, Jerome, could you turn the volume up? And nothing like a national ad with mismatched local audio at the end.
[announcer] The new Chevy Blazer. All roads, all seasons. Go explore.
[announcer 2 distorted] Shop our deals at Cerrone’s Auto Barn. Route one, Pawtucket.
[commentator] And that’ll do it. Here from Denver where the Patriots lose their fifth straight, 41 to six.
[Peter] Ugh, I hate that people in Denver get to be happy the rest of the afternoon while we have to be sad.
It’s only two o’clock there. Mountain time.
The man knows his zones.
The only good thing about the game was listening to Tom Brady.
Yeah, it’s fun having him in the booth.
[Peter] Guys, he’s doing the game next week at Foxborough. We should go!
I don’t know. The traffic on Route One is a nightmare.
I’ll tell you what isn’t a nightmare on Route One. [distorted] The savings at Cerrone’s Auto Barn in Pawtucket.
[Peter] You kind of heard the man. We’re going.
[Stewie] Brian! Treat!
[Brian] Where is it? Where is it? I’ve been a good boy.
[Stewie] Yeah, I don’t have a treat. I just need your help moving a mattress.
[Brian] Don’t do that! You have no idea!
[Stewie] Okay, whoa, jeez, whatever! Anyway, Rupert has somehow got his leg stuck between the side of the crib and the mattress.
[Brian] Looks like he’s also handcuffed to the bars.
[Stewie] Yeah, that’s something else. Let’s focus on the mattress. I need you to help me move it so we can free him. [grunting] What the deuce! Brian, is that a built-in ashtray?
[Brian] Appears to be, yeah.
[Stewie] How old is this crib?
[Brian] Well, I think a lot of the stuff in here is hand-me-downs from Meg and Chris. And Peter and Lois before them.
[Stewie] Wait! Parents would smoke while putting the baby down for a nap?
[Brian] No, the baby would smoke while the parents were at work. This was before babysitters, you gotta remember.
[Stewie] Ugh! I deserve better than this white trash furniture!
[Brian] Well, maybe the place could use some freshening up. You know what? I’ll take you to IKEA.
[Stewie] What’s that?
[Brian] It’s a furniture store where people go to eat meatballs and argue with their wives.
[Stewie] Oh, right. That place near the airport.
[Brian] Yeah, they’re always near the airport. And no other stores.
[singing] ♪ And the home of the… ♪
♪ Brave… ♪
[Joe] Uh-oh! I think she’s holding it until the flyover.
[♪ continues singing note]
[Peter] Boy, they’re really late today.
[♪ continues singing note, straining]
[gasps]
[microphone feedback]
[all cheering]
[Peter] Greatest country in the world, right? I’m gonna hold eye-contact till you respond.
Oh, absolutely.
Love it or leave it.
Mmm…
Chowder here, get your hot chowder!
[Peter] Meg? What the hell are you doing here?
Well, every three years vendor licenses expire. So, every three years there’s a re-evaluation of–
[Peter] Shorter! Shorter story, Meg.
I applied for the job and I got it.
[Peter] Yes! That is the exact length of story that men wanna hear. Please pass the word amongst your people.
So who wants a creamy clam squirt?
Uh… giggity?
Guys! Look at this! There’s Brady in the booth!
[inaudible]
[Peter] God! He’s gorgeous!
Yeah, I saw him earlier. That’s right where I refill my clam vat.
Wait, you saw him? Let me smell your eyes!
[Peter] Meg, you gotta get us in there!
I don’t know. Security’s pretty tight.
[Peter] Oh, I can smooth talk celebrities. You know, I used to be Eddie Murphy’s late night pizza and prostitute guy.
[cell phone vibrates]
Hello? Peter, I need two meat lovers.
[Peter] Again. I need to know if you’re talking about pizzas or prostitutes.
[chuckles] Okay, nevermind. I want two Hawaiians. And make sure they hot.
[Peter] I feel like our system isn’t quite working, Edward.
God! This place is so crowded. Who are all these people?
Mostly step-families furnishing the lesser house they got after the divorce. The second time around, you want stuff that’s not worth fighting over. Oh, here we are. Kids’ bedrooms.
Ooh! These are quite nice! I feel like I’m in the Olympic village of a not good country. I like this bed, the Köksavfall.
Oh, sorry. That one’s on back order. But we could get it to you in six to eight weeks.
Really?
Yeah, the one thing you want is always the one thing that’s out of stock. That’s the IKEA promise.
Sounds like more of a threat.
Uh, I think it sort of walks the line nicely between the two. Oh, and there’s some assembly required.
How much is some?
All.
Okay, give us a moment.
That’s fine. I’m quitting soon anyway.
[sighs] You know, Brian, I just had a thought. Instead of ordering all this to our house, we could just make this our house.
What do you mean? You wanna live here?
Well, think about it. We could have a different living room every night, and a different kitchen every morning.
I don’t know.
[gasps] And, Brian, look at that! A whole array of elevated dog bowls.
Wow! I won’t have to lower my face to the floor like some scumbag cat! You know what? I’m in!
Excuse me, is this bed in stock?
What? I don’t work here.
No, I know. I work here. I just don’t know anything.
[crowd cheering]
[players grunting]
And that’s the end of the third quarter. We’ll be right back after this word from your local station.
[knocking at door]
Who is it?
[Peter] Hi, yes, we’re the family of the people murdered by Aaron Hernandez, and we’re here to collect our signed football.
Oh, well, you deserve at least that!
[Peter] Hey, Tom!
Oh, God! I don’t know what’s happening! [giggling]
So, Tom, what was your favorite time zone to play in?
[Peter] That was the question you were fired up about in the elevator? Oh, who are we kidding? We can’t lie to you, Tom. We’re just drunk men who get burp-nervous when talking to our hero. So… [burps] 35 and 13 in the play-offs, huh?
Can we call security? Security!
Clear outta here, you knuckleheads!
I’m sorry. I told them not to bother you.
Wow! Your forearms are massive. Do you do resistance training?
No, but I do take a Popeye class at Equinox.
Ha! Popeye! That’s one of the six pop culture references I know. I owe you for saving my butt. You know, I’m in town for a few days. Maybe I could take you out for a cup of coffee while I have a room-temperature brown mushroom liquid.
Sounds great. Ugh! Speaking of room-temperature brown liquids… I gotta go lady-spatter the mezzanine toilet. You see, when vendors have extra clam chowder–
[Peter] Short– Shorter story, Meg.
Oh, Meg, I am so proud of you! A date with Tom Brady!
[Peter] Okay, now, I know Tom Brady is my favorite athlete, but you are still my teenage daughter. So I’ll just say, if he’s doing hand stuff on you, try and snap up a Super Bowl ring.
Dad!
Come on, Peter!
[Peter] Come on, what? I’m basing this on you, Lois! Meg, you might not notice, but your mom is basically like the Little Shop of Horrors plant down there.
Guys, it’s just coffee. It’s not like we’re getting married.
[Peter] [gasps] Married to Tom Brady? Wow! I’ll finally have a son I can be proud of!
[bell chimes]
Hi, I’d like to tattoo the word “whore” on my chest.
Getting back at your dad?
You saw the last scene, huh?
Yeah, big fan. I actually tattoo a lot of pictures of your little brother on fat people’s ankles.
Oh, you mean this guy?
[laughing] Nice!
Ugh! I ate so much breakfast fish. I’m worried I’m not going to have room for my lunch fish. I might go take a walk. See where the arrows take me. Yesterday they took me to art any orthodontist would be proud to display.
Okay, sounds good. I might go pretend write on one of the cardboard computers in one of the fake dens.
I like our life.
[Peter] All right, Meg, you have coffee with Tom. I’m gonna steal somebody’s phone order and let them worry about it.
Dozen for Rajiv!
[Peter] Yes, sir.
[all gasping]
Whoa, holy crap! Tom Brady? I, I gotta call my almost deaf brother. [shouting] Billy! Billy! Billy, Tom Brady just walked into our Dunkin’ Donuts. Tom Brady! No, no, I’m not gonna call him Benedict Arnold! Billy, I’m not gonna call him Benedict Arnold! My brother, Billy, thinks you’re Benedict Arnold.
Well, New England will always be home to me… is what I’ve been told to say.
Hey, Meg.
Hey, Mr. Brady.
Please. Mr. Brady is my surprisingly unattractive father. Call me Tom.
Okay, Tom… So, is it cool being back? You’re like a god around here.
In my playing days, maybe, but now that I’m an announcer, it’s like starting all over again. Only this time, I don’t have Coach Belichick talking in my ear.
It’s easy. All you have to do is watch the game and relay what’s happening. Like if the middle line-backer drops into deep coverage, you know that you’re facing a Tampa 2 defense.
Wow! How does a pretty girl like you know so much about football?
I’m a woman in New England. I’m required to watch football, but forbidden to speak during it.
Meg, I’d love to have you talking into my earpiece during the game. I really think you could put me on the right track.
I’d love that!
Great! Then we’ll– Ow! What the…
[laughs] Peter, I got the ring, let’s go!
Excuse me. Do you mind if we try this sofa?
Uh, we’re a shoes-off household.
Do you know if this sofa folds out?
Oh, so she wants to put your mom on a sofa bed? It’s gonna be your bed in eight months, if you’re not careful.
Ah, this must be the dick-ish baby from the Yelp review.
You have to Yelp IKEA?
Yep. It’s definitely him.
Well, this team, really needs a win tonight against the Cowboys. Tom, give us your keys to the game.
The three keys tonight are defense, defense, defense! Then compliment his tie.
The three keys tonight are defense, defense, defense. Then compliment his tie.
Oh, thank you very much, sir. My wife picked it out.
Okay, we’ll work on the compliments.
[crowd chattering]
Now, the Vikings’ D-line is gonna have their work cut out for them. But remember, as Lou Holtz said…
No one ever drowned in sweat.
Excellent point, Tom.
You’re killing it! Now, just do a lackluster promo for a new Fox show.
Stick around after the game for an all-new Animal Control on Fox. Why watch limitless free porn on your phone, when you can see Joel McHale try to catch a ferret? Animal Control.
All right. Looks like we finally got the place to ourselves.
I call top bunk!
I also call top bunk!
Wow! When the place is empty like this, it’s like we live in a mansion! And do you know what people who live in mansions do? They host dinner parties.
You wanna host a dinner party in the store?
Provided I can lose nine pounds by Saturday.
You weigh eight pounds.
I didn’t say it was going to be easy. [sighs] Finally, I don’t have to be ashamed of where I live anymore. This is my chance to ingratiate myself to the movers and shaker of Quahog.
You mean “movers and shakers”?
No, Quahog is leaded with movers, but it’s only got the one shaker. We’ll set it for 8:05, after closing. Driving is encouraged, plenty of parking. Look at us, Brian! It’s just what we always talked about.
I don’t recall ever having this conversation.
Yeah, you know… living in a store with your buddy! Eating so much fish you feel crazy!
Yeah, we definitely never talked about this, but I’m also having a nice time. Good night, Stewie.
[Stewie] I bet we’re having the best time of anyone living in any store.
Well, time is running out in this game. Which is a good thing because–
I just got my period and I have to get to the bathroom. It’s a crime scene down there.
Well, that’s all tonight from Minnesota as the Vikings hold on to beat the Cowboys, 28 to 24.
And we’re clear.
Great job tonight, Tom. Wanna come get blackout drunk with me in a second-tier American city because we’re sports announcers?
Sorry, I can’t. I’ve got this date with a Victoria’s Secret model.
Oh! Are you guys getting serious?
No, I get with a different model every night. And I’ve kind of been hanging out with this chick, Meg.
[over earpiece] But just for her football knowledge.
Is she hot?
[Tom Brady] No. On a scale of one to 10, they have to put her on a different scale because she’s like 200 pounds.
[knocking at door]
[Chris] Meg, you’re missing an all-new Animal Control on Fox! And anyone of them could be the last one ever!
[Peter] Meg, are you okay?
[Meg] No, I’m not! Tom Brady’s been using me for my football knowledge! And I thought that he liked me. But then I was listening over the headphones–
[Peter] Shorter. These really gotta be shorter, sweety.
[Meg] Tom thinks I’m ugly.
[Peter] Okay, yeah, I can see that.
[cell phone vibrates]
[sighs]
All right. Our dinner party guests should be here any minute.
[Brian] Wait. How are they gonna believe this is your house? What about the store sign?
I just covered it with a giant banner.
[Brian] Did you steal that from the children’s hospital?
People know about cancer.
[Brian] Who’s even coming to this thing?
Well, you know Orville Redenbacher? We got his grandson, Josh. Also M. Ron Hubbard, the French president’s bizarrely older wife, the gal who me-too’d Matt Lauer, and of course, the heiress, Agnes R. Thermos.
[Brian] The heiress to what fortune– Oh, yeah. I think I got it.
Oh, no. It might be all white people, Brian. I think I screwed up.
[Brian] Well, now you can’t post a group shot.
Well, it wasn’t on purpose. Those are just the people I know! Why do I feel bad for getting my friends together? Oh, thank God!
[Brian] What?
Josh Redenbacher’s girlfriend is Black. Group photo, everyone!
[scattered chatter]
You have such a lovely home, and the layout is so interesting.
[Brian] Well, every time we go on vacation, we seem to come home with another kitchen.
Brian, can I have a word? It appears the French president’s wife left a… feces abnormale in the toilet just off the third kitchen.
[Brian] So?
There’s no plumbing! These toilets are just sitting on the floor! You know what? I’ll, I’ll handle it.
[dinging]
Excuse me. Everyone, hi. As you’re enjoying you endive salad, just a quick bit of housekeeping. Feel free to use any one of the 40 commodes on the premises. But please note that we’re doing a one-and-done situation. So only use one that hasn’t been previously used.
Wow! Individual toilets? How fancy!
My grandpa made popcorn.
Yes, Josh, you mentioned that.
[whispers] Crisis averted! If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go check on our game hens. Brian, may I have a word? All right. So it seems that the game hens I put in the oven six hours ago are still solid blocks of ice. Much like the toilets, the ovens appear to be just objects on the ground.
[Brian] Well, we could order food. Uber Eats says Shake Shack could be here in an hour and 45 minutes. Should I pull the trigger?
Brian, I’m on the verge of being invited to summer at the Thermos estate on Lake George. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let them realize this isn’t actually our home.
Stewie, darling, I hope it’s not an imposition, but I invited my cousin, Ingeborg, to join us. She’s just in town for the weekend from Stockholm.
[speaking Swedish] Why are we having dinner in an IKEA?
Bri, we gotta kill this bitch.
[Peter] Look at us, Lois. Finally empty nesters. Which brings me to my next point. I feel we’ve been growing apart for years and I wanna give it a go on my own down at the marina.
Peter, we’re not empty nesters. Stewie is with Brian and Chris bent down to pick up his phone. The only one missing is Meg and I am really worried about her.
[Chris] You don’t have to worry, Mom. She’s on her way to the Super Bowl to ruin Tom Brady’s life.
[Peter] How do you know that?
It’s in her diary. Take a look.
[Peter] I don’t wanna look at Meg’s diarrhea!
No, her diary. It’s like a journal.
[Peter] I thought diary was the singular of diarrhea. So The Diary Of Anne Frank was a book? Oh, boy! I owe the Museum of Tolerance an apology.
[muffled]
[muffled speaking continues]
All right. I’d say she’s neutralized. Let’s get back to the party.
All right. So we’re just going to go straight to the dessert, which is vending machine Reese’s peanut butter cups. Just take one and pass it down.
Reese’s peanut butter cups?
From Milan.
Ooh.
Fancy!
Matt Lauer loves these!
Italy buys 16 metric tons of popcorn per year!
[sighs] I don’t have the context to know if that’s a lot or a little, Josh.
Well, I’d like to propose a toast to our two gracious hosts neither of whom I know. Wait. Why is there a price tag under this glass?
[muffled]
Too bad, Agnes. We could’ve had fun at Lake George.
I tried 40 sinks but I can’t wash my hands. What’s this room?
[Stewie sighs]
[muffled]
Should’ve just sat there and ate your Reese’s.
[Brian] You know, Stewie, I can’t talk to Josh Redenbacher about crypto again. Should we just call it and get outta here?
Yeah, I already got the group photo.
Welcome to Super Sunday on Fox! Tom, what do you think about today’s game?
Yeah, good. Should be… some football.
[whispers] Come on, Meg. Where are you?
I’m in.
All right, Peter, we’re coming up on the stadium.
[Peter] Thanks for doing this, Quagmire. I gotta stop Meg before she ruins Tom Brady’s life.
No problem. Okay, here we go! Jump in three, two… Do you have a lollipop in your mouth?
[Peter] So?
No lollipops.
[Peter] What are you, the lollipop police? Geroni– [choking] [coughs, spits] Why did you let me do that? I almost died! Hey, Quagmire, have ’em open the dome.
[Quagmire] They can’t open the dome, it’s a dome!
[Peter] Well, you’ve done all you can. [grunts] [gasps, grunts] Hey! [straining] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh!
[crowd gasps]
Oh, no, I landed on Bill Belichick’s girlfriend. [crying] She’s only a child! [sobbing]
[crowd cheering]
And after this timeout, the Chiefs are set up first and goal from the five.
While we have this break in the action…
there’s something important I wanna say.
Meg Griffin, will you marry me?
Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
This woman smells like hotdogs!
[Peter] Stop! Meg! Don’t ruin Tom Brady’s life!
No, I gave my word. And I’ve always viewed myself as an honest and truthful guy. Except for Deflategate, Spygate… and when I promised my wife I’d retire and then played for seven more years. So, yes, Meg, I will marry you.
Is this really happening?
Meg, you helped me be a better announcer. The least I can do is throw away the rest of my life for you.
Aw…
I go to bed at 7:00, and I don’t eat cheese.
Oh. But, I can eat cheese, right?
Nope. No cheese house.
[exhales] Who am I kidding? I can’t trap you into something you don’t wanna be a part of. You’ve got the rest of your weird life ahead of you!
Thank you, Meg. And I really want you to know–
Hey!
[Peter] I got the Seahawks rings, Meg, let’s go!
[on TV] Good evening, I’m Tom Tucker. Two of Quahog’s movers and its only shaker were found bound and gagged at a local furniture store earlier tonight. Police suspect Matt Lauer may be involved as one of the victims was his former accuser.
I’m honestly fine with that.
[cell phone vibrates]
Oh, boy!
[Brian] What is it?
Apparently one Black person’s not enough. Cleveland’s dragging me on Instagram.
[♪ theme music playing]
