Family Guy
Season 24 – Episode 2
Episode title: Pumpkin Spice Girls
Original air date: February 22, 2026
Plot: While visiting Starbucks, Lois sees that the Pumpkin spice latte is back and has Meg try one, getting her hooked. Upon realizing that it’s only a seasonal item, Meg convinces Lois to steal the ingredients and stockpile them at home, managing to avoid being identified at the crime scene. Bonnie discovers the truth after smelling the ingredients on Lois and rats her out to other local women. Lois and Meg begin to secretly sell the lattes out of their garage, but are caught by Joe, who used Quagmire’s database to identify Lois’ footprint at the crime scene. While fleeing, the two regret their actions after seeing how much things escalated, but admit that the experience allowed them to bond. They surrender after realizing that the pepppermint mocha is available after the pumpkin spice latte and are sentenced to community service.
* * *
Transcript
Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.
[TV announcer] We now return to Hung Sheldo.
I don’t think I have to say smart stuff anymore.
[towel drops]
Bazinga.
[Peter] Hello, family. Just wanted to give you guys a heads-up that I have catastrophically clogged the toilet.
Catastrophically clogged?
[Peter] Well, let’s just say your dress shoe couldn’t scoop it all out.
And the Emmy goes to…
[drumroll]
Bob’s Burgers.
[fanfare playing]
[Peter] Stupid thing’s political.
[sighs] I guess everybody will just have to make a family trip to Starbucks.
[Peter] Well, I can’t leave without my bathroom reading material. I’m gonna bring my pickup artist book. I’m learning how to neg.
[Lois] You can read that when you get home.
[Peter] You know, you’re really pretty for a broad with small boobs.
[Lois slaps Peter]
[Peter] I got to read chapter two.
[Stewie] God, this place is sad. Look at that loser working on his screenplay. Oh, that’s Brian.
[Brian] Interior, space brothel. Day.
[Stewie] You know, I think it has potential.
[Chris] Why do we always come to a coffee shop when our toilets don’t work?
[Lois] Well, coffee shop toilets are strong. They’re stress-tested daily and are guaranteed to be able to flush a homeless man’s pants.
[toilet flushes]
[sniffing]
[Peter] What you’re picking up is Pop-Tarts and a hint of mango White Claw.
[Lois] No, I… [sniffs] Is that… No. [laughs] It can’t be. [gasps]
[Peter grunts]
[Lois] Pumpkin spice latte is back? But it’s a day early. [chuckles] I have a Google alert on my phone for that and Luke Hemsworth. I want to be the first one to know when he becomes a successful actor.
I also see you had a pap smear today.
[Lois] Yeah, my pap is still a little tender. Anyway, two pumpkin spice lattes, please. You can say I like those “a-latte.” [giggles] Cool beans, huh? What “brew-ti-ful” news. Okay, you got to give me something here.
I live in my car.
[Lois] Oh, way to make it all about you.
[toilet flushes]
[Lois] Meg, it’s the start of pumpkin spice latte season.
[Meg] What’s that?
[Lois] A very special day for white women everywhere. Even bigger than Martha Stewart’s birthday.
[Stewie] August 3rd.
[Lois] Honey, there comes a day when every white girl must become a white woman. Today is that day.
[“A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton playing]
♪ Making my way downtown, walking fast ♪
♪ Faces pass and I’m home bound ♪
♪ Staring blankly ahead ♪
♪ Just making my way, making a way ♪
♪ Through the crowd ♪
♪ And I need you ♪
♪ And I miss you ♪
♪ And now I wonder ♪
♪ If I could fall ♪
♪ Into the sky ♪
♪ Do you think time ♪
♪ Would pass me by? ♪
♪ ‘Cause you know I’d walk ♪
♪ A thousand miles ♪
♪ If I could just see you. ♪
[Stewie] You don’t tell me to connect the dots. You connect your own dots. Oh, my God, it’s a giraffe! Lois, look, I thought it was going to be a palm tree, but the antlers were a dead giveaway.
[Meg] Hey, bitch, let’s get PSLs. Mama wants to nut some megs.
[Lois] Oh, honey, it’s been a month. Pumpkin spice latte season is over.
[Meg] Over? What do you mean, over?
[Lois] Well, it’s a seasonal beverage. I mean, this is why I always have withdrawals this time of year and quickly lose patience with family and friends.
[Lois] I told you no straws in the living room!
[Peter crying]
[door closes]
[Lois] Oh, let me make you something fall-adjacent that’ll help tide you over.
[Stewie] Mama?
[Lois] What the deuce, Stewie?!
[Stewie] Ah, that’s where that comes from.
[Lois] Here you go… a nice cup of green tea you can drink until it’s the same temperature as the room and then leave half-full.
♪♪
Hi, I’m Green Tea. I have an extra ticket to see Three Dog Night at the fairground this weekend. It’s none of the original members and none of the original fake members. What do you say we “Shambala” over around 6:00?
[Meg] This sucks!
[Stewie] Hey, can you guys stop going on drug trips? I haven’t had my diaper changed since October.
[Lois] I’m sorry, Meg. It’s just the way it is. You’ll get used to it.
[Meg] I’ll tell you exactly what it is: misogyny. This is them taking things away from women. Why can’t the patriarchy let us have this one thing?
♪♪
Hey, my dudes. On today’s agenda, we’re deciding what women can and can’t have. We’re in Q4, so pumpkin spice lattes are out.
And where did we land on reproductive rights?
[all] They gone!
Before we go any further, would anyone like to yell an Anchorman quote?
“Milk was a bad choice.”
“Whale’s vagina.”
Right on. Now let’s take a quick stand break to unstick our testicles from our legs.
[all moaning] Yeah.
[Meg] This arbitrary cutoff is BS. I bet they have all the ingredients just sitting there in some storage room. [gasps] You know what?
[Lois] What are you doing?
[Stewie] This table has a very strict weight limit and you’re testing it.
[Meg] We need to rise up and take back our country. I-I mean, seasonal beverage. Are you in?
[Lois] I’m in.
[Stewie whimpers]
[phone chimes]
[Stewie] Hey, Chris, can you stop using me as your recovery e-mail for Pornhub? You don’t need an account.
[Chris] You do to post comments.
[announcer] Pornhub: join the conversation.
[Lois] Guess our many pandemic hobbies are finally paying off.
[Lois] All right, since we have more time on our hands, we’re gonna get into social justice. And I got a Black Lives Matter sign to put on our lawn.
[Meg] Ooh, we should also put up a sign in support of the trans community.
[Lois] I don’t know, Meg, suddenly everything’s sounding very cluttered.
[Chris] Mom’s high school swimming records are getting shattered.
[Lois] Meg, I found it!
[Meg] Nice. Up top, bitch.
[Lois] Can you stop calling me that?
[Meg] Whoa, what’s this?
[Lois] Starbucks used to sell a lot of CDs. They propped up Michael Bublé for years.
[Meg] Joni Mitchell. Alanis Morrisette.
[Lois] The Diana Krall?
[Meg] What’s this really tall stack?
[Lois] Oh, it’s the audiobook for Kamala Harris’ The Truths We Hold. Well, now I’m just sad.
[both] Cheers.
[Tom] Coming up, my adult nephew’s band, Forged in Steel, will be playing at the Cat Club on Friday. Is that enough “uncle-ing” for you, Denise? But first, a brazen robbery occurred at a Quahog coffee shop last night, with the assailants stealing a proprietary spice blend used to make pumpkin spice lattes. An eyewitness reports seeing two people fleeing the scene: a woman he, quote, “would like to jump,” and a second woman. We now turn to local cop Joe Swanson, who is taking this very seriously.
[Joe] I’m now going to answer some questions from reporters that this microphone is not picking up.
[Joe] No, not at this time.
[Joe] We’re monitoring that.
[Joe] Yeah.
[Joe] About 45 minutes at 375 degrees.
[Lois] We have to keep a low profile.
[Meg] Ooh, good thinking. I’ll go on social media and let everyone know I’m taking a mental health break.
[Lois] Meg, no one cares. Just don’t post.
[Meg] I think they do.
Oh, right, I forgot to unfollow her.
[grunts] Good God, woman.
Hi, Lois.
[whimpers]
[Bonnie] I just wanted to say I noticed how your windows have been looking. Windex is on aisle nine.
[Stewie] Wow. That’s like the woman equivalent of getting stabbed in the face.
[Lois] Well, I appreciate that, Bonnie. You know, maybe you should focus on your hydrangeas. They’re looking a little pale.
[Bonnie] [sniffs] Hm… What interesting perfume you’ve got on. Nutmeg, clove, a little bit of ground ginger. I’d say that smells like pumpkin spice latte, but… [chuckles] that would be crazy.
[Lois] Well, Jamaican me crazy.
[Stewie] Ugh, embarrassing.
[Bonnie] Coffee without creamer. Insulator sleeves. Pregnancy test?
[Stewie] That’s for me. Veronica from baby piano is late. Again. That’s why the rosary beads are there, too.
[Bonnie] It’s you! You’re the coffee shop thief!
[Lois] Shh. Okay, what do you want? You want money?
[Bonnie] I want in. Otherwise, I can’t guarantee what I may or may not tell Joe.
[Lois] All right, fine. But you can’t tell anyone else.
[Bonnie] I’m very discreet. I take every secret to my grave. Like, for example, did you know that Tom Hanks has a passion for vintage typewriters?
[Lois] Bonnie, I read that in Parade magazine.
[Bonnie] Well, they didn’t hear it from me.
[knocking]
Give me the pumpkin spice latte.
[Lois] I-I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.
I saw the bat signal. We all did.
[Lois] Bonnie.
I know you have some. Give it to me right now. I am filming you.
And I’m filming you because this is how I deal with conflict.
And I’m filming you filming her because I have a TikTok about women who don’t support women.
[Lois] Ladies, I’m sorry, but I just don’t…
[women chanting] Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!
[chanting continuing]
I borrowed this from my white husband.
Pack the bags, Donna.
Pack the bags, Neil!
Oh, no. Pack the bags, Dennis.
Mykonos?
Well, we haven’t been in three weeks. You get the mesh bag of sandals and I’ll get all our Greece greases.
[women chanting] Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!
[Lois] Okay. Okay, we can get you all pumpkin spice lattes tomorrow. Okay, Meg, we got 24 hours to replenish our supply.
[Meg] Mom, what are you doing?
[Lois] Don’t worry, Meg. I know exactly how we can monetize this. I took the Bill Gates MasterClass.
[Bill Gates] I was never on Epstein’s plane. And if I was, it was just a routine flight for my charity. But I wasn’t. Microsoft.
[Lois] Password?
Dressing on the side.
[gasps] Ooh.
[Lois] We accept cash, Venmo or Etsy gift cards. We prefer Etsy gift cards. Actually, we only take Etsy gift cards.
[cheering]
There goes the neighborhood. Hummingbird feeders and those damn free libraries everywhere. Constant smell of banana bread. Look at ’em… eating granola like it’s cereal. It’s supposed to be sprinkled on top of something. It’s too calorically dense otherwise. Tom’s of Maine is owned by Colgate!
[women] Liar!
Look it up.
[camera shutter clicking]
[Joe] Seventh one this month. Guys, we really need to find some evidence so I can have stuff to say at the next press conference. I knocked it out of the park at the last one and people are expecting a lot.
I can’t believe someone would do something like this.
[Joe] It’s disgusting. Starbucks is more than just a coffee shop. It’s a place where people come together and post flyers advertising their bad improv shows.
By the way, can you come see my Malcolm in the Giggle show next Wednesday?
[Joe] I would, but I’m going to a Gimprov show. We’re reclaiming that word.
We’re looking for a suggestion from the audience. Does anyone have an occupation?
[Joe] Former acrobat.
Great. How about a location?
[Joe] C6, C7, between two vertebrae.
[Joe] Fellas, I think we just got a break in this case. This isn’t for the case, but I’m taking these napkins for my car. The other day, I had to drive home blind after a wet sneeze.
[Joe] There’s a three-week backlog at the lab. Thought you might be able to help.
[Quagmire] You’ve come to the right place. I have a database of every woman’s foot in Quahog. I call it The Footbook.
[Joe] Drop the “the.” It’s cleaner.
[Quagmire] Yeah. Uh-huh. [laughs] You stop it right now.
[Joe] Are you talking to the footprint?
[Quagmire] The footprint and I are having a conversation. It’s a little like Harry Potter. The admirer doesn’t choose the foot, the foot has to choose the admirer. Let me just cross-reference, and… Oh, that’s very sad.
[Joe] What?
[Quagmire] It’s a discontinued. Payless shoe from 2009. A shoe so sad can only belong to one woman.
[Joe] [gasps] Olivia Wilde? She must be pretty sad. Tabloid culture overshadowed a movie the cast and crew worked so hard on.
[Quagmire] No, Joe, it’s Lois.
[Joe] And by the way, you can read more of my movie reviews on my Letterboxd. Did you know the cast of Oppenheimer lived together while they were filming?
[Quagmire] Uh-huh.
[Joe] Cillian Murphy spent a lot of time on his own. Kind of a lone wolf.
[Quagmire] Okay.
[Joe] Of course, by then, most of the cast had seen his penis. You know, that scene with Einstein…
[door opens, closes]
[Joe] …originally, they had both their penises out.
[car engine starts]
[Joe] Actors sometimes do that to break down their emotional walls. Thank God he’s gone. I’ve been holding in a major fart. [farts] Ah. Everything’s hard for me, cat.
[Joe] Thanks, Quagmire. This is the smoking gun we needed. We’re gonna nail Lois.
[Quagmire] Really? Can… can I go first?
[Joe] No, I mean, we got to slap the cuffs on her and throw her in the back of my car.
[Quagmire] Guh…
[meows]
[Joe] Get her in a room and drill her till she breaks.
[Quagmire] Guh…
[Joe] See how she likes it in the can.
[Quagmire] Gah!
[Joe] I’d like to see one of those strong female attorneys try to get her off.
[Quagmire] Gah…!
♪♪
[chitters]
[Joe] Everyone, get in position.
Roger that.
Copy.
[Joe] Jerry, please acknowledge. He’s not acknowledging. I’m going in. Let’s get this debutante ball started.
[feedback squeals]
[loud chewing over earpiece]
[Joe] Be professional, Jerry.
[Peter gasps]
[Joe] Hello. I am a white woman named Kayhla and I spell that in a very complicated way for zero reason.
[Peter] Well, aren’t you a cool glass of water. Why don’t you come on in for a non consensual shoulder rub?
[Joe] I just want to speak to your wife.
[Peter] Wife? Oh, we’ve been drifting apart for a long time. So, is there a Mr. Kayhla?
[Joe] There was. My husband was a wrestler. His doctor told him he couldn’t wrestle anymore but he loved it so much he wrestled one last time and died. Telling him not to wrestle was like telling him not to breathe.
[Peter] That’s so sad, that’s literally exactly what happened to Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.
[Joe] No, it’s very different. Unlike Mickey Rourke, my husband’s face was completely disfigured by too much plastic surgery.
[Peter] Kayhla, you have got to watch this movie. It’s so similar to your life.
[Meg] Is Dad okay?
[Lois] It’s brain fog from having COVID 12 times.
[Meg] What do we do now?
[Lois] Look, we always knew this time would come. Grab the pumpkin spice from the garage and run.
[door opens]
[Peter] I’m sorry to be so forward, it’s just that you’re literally any woman other than the one I’m allowed to have.
[Joe] Getting your own daughter involved? You’re a sick woman, Lois Griffin.
[Peter] [gasps] Joe?
[Joe] I’m sorry, Peter. But, for what it’s worth, Kayhla found you very attractive.
[Peter] No, it’s all right. I’ll just work out this sexual confusion in my porn searches later.
[Chris] I have an account if you want to leave a comment.
[announcer] Pornhub: fun for the whole family.
♪♪
[Meg] Oh, my God, we’re like Thelma and Louise. I’ve never felt so alive.
[Lois] Meg, unpair your phone. I’m driving, so we pair my phone.
[Meg] Seriously? [scoffs] Fine.
[music stops]
[Meg] Go ahead.
[Lois] Well, I can’t connect until you disconnect your phone. You have to forget device. Go to settings, general, network, Bluetooth, find “Car”, then hit “Forget My Device.”
[Meg] Ugh! We can’t do it while you’re driving. The car has to be stopped.
[Lois] Siri, forget device.
♪♪
[Tom] Coming to you live, we are in pursuit of two fugitives identified in the gruesome pumpkin spice latte robberies. As you can see now, they’re headed down route 95. Oh, yeah, right past that exterminator with the big bug on the roof. Oh, look, there it is. They do a nice little job. It appears they’re slowing down.
[Lois] Siri! Forget… my… device!
[Tom] Yep, just what I thought. Classic Bluetooth pairing problem. Oh, okay, it appears they were able to safely pair the phone. But it looks like the police cruiser is pulling over for similar reasons.
[Joe] Listen, I don’t know what they’re teaching you at the academy, but this is day one stuff. Go to settings, general, network. Oh, you got an Android? So, you’re the green idiot on the group text.
♪♪
[Lois] Peter?
[Peter] I can’t find the remote.
[Lois] Wha… Did you check under the table?
[Peter] Yeah. No. Hold on. Okay, I found it. Thank you.
[gasps]
[grunts]
[both screaming]
[Lois] I’m sorry, Meg. I never meant for things to get so out of hand.
[Meg] Me too, Mom.
[Lois] But I got to say, I enjoyed spending time with you.
[Meg] Should we go out in a blaze of eternal glory?
[Lois] I’d like that very much.
[Stewie] Uh, can I get a vote? I’ve been here since you went to Target. Two days ago.
[Meg] I guess this all could’ve been avoided if there was another seasonal beverage that followed the pumpkin spice latte.
[Lois] Well, there is the peppermint mocha, but there’s no comparison. I… I mean, yeah, it has candy on top, a-a rich peppermint cream, and basically tastes like Christmas in a cup, but… Ooh! Actually, that doesn’t sound that bad.
[Meg] Are you [bleep] me? Turn around!
[Lois] It’s too late!
[Stewie] I’m buckled in, this should be fine.
[all screaming]
[Lois] We’ve changed our minds. Oh, we made emotional decisions. Please save us, men.
[Joe] We got ’em, boys. I guess all that’s left is for the husband to give an emotional press conference.
[Peter] It’s time we forgive Kevin Spacey. That will be my only statement at this time. Thank you.
[Meg] I already joined three prison gangs.
[Lois] We got community service.
[Meg] Yeah, I know. I was getting ready, just in case.
[Quagmire] Joe told them about The Footbook.
[Meg] Drop the “the.” It’s cleaner.
